"He didn't drop the baby, which is the only thing we did right..."

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on a cooking disaster that occurred shortly after the birth of a couple's first child, highlighting the challenges of new parenthood, including sleep deprivation and chaotic kitchen moments. The narrative involves a mishap while using a French press to make coffee, underscoring the struggles and humorous incidents that come with balancing family life and daily routines.

Key takeaways

• Hawaii's allure: 90% of its residents cluster on Oahu, making it a vibrant urban oasis amid paradise.
• Becoming a parent should come with a manual; sleep deprivation can turn French presses into weaponized coffee.
• A coffee disaster turned domestic chaos: lessons learned when baby care meets boiling liquids and shattered glass.
• Burnt balls aside, this couple reminded us that parenting is a mix of love, chaos, and questionable decisions.
• In parenting mishaps, we find humor; after all, laughter is the best salve for both burns and broken glass.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dax Shepard (Host) · 8 min speaking
• Emma (Guest) · 5 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Honolulu, French Press, Hawaii, Four Seasons
2. 3:00 – 6:00: French Press
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Hot Coffee, fentanyl, Hawaii, morphine
4. 9:00 – 12:00: French Press, fentanyl, morphine, Hot Coffee
5. 12:00 – 13:18: French Press

Notable quotes from ""He didn't drop the baby, which is the only thing we did right...""

• Oh, that's a city. How many people live in Honolulu?

  about Honolulu · at 0:17

• You think Oh, why' this woman sue over nothing? And this is what her thighs look like.

  about Hot Coffee · at 6:07

• They hooked him up to an IV drip of fentinyl and morphine.

  about fentanyl · at 8:14

• Days, they finally discharged him and then able to come home. Got like a $10,000 hospital bill. And that was the last time we ever used a French press.

  about French Press · at 9:43

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Companies & orgs

• Four Seasons — Company · Incidental mention · 1 mention · first at 0:31
  Mentioned as a hotel chain where the speaker had a positive experience.
  It's Italian. It's like outside at Yes, I have. I don't remember the name, but it's really good. And the Four Seasons on the Big Island in Kona is also really awesome.
• Rosewood — Company · Incidental mention · 1 mention · first at 0:54
  Mentioned as a hotel chain where the speaker had a negative experience.
  I think you're talking about the Rosewood.

Products & tech

• French Press — Product · Incidental mention · 6 mentions · first at 1:40
  Mentioned as part of a cooking disaster story involving boiling water and burns.
• fentanyl — Product · Incidental mention · 3 mentions · first at 8:14
  Mentioned as part of the medical treatment for burns, leading to addiction.
• morphine — Product · Incidental mention · 3 mentions · first at 8:14
  Mentioned as part of the medical treatment for burns, leading to addiction.
  They hooked him up to an IV drip of fentinyl and morphine.

Places & events

• Honolulu — Place · Setting · 2 mentions · first at 0:15
  Mentioned as the location where the speaker lives and where the story took place.
• Hawaii — Place · Setting · 2 mentions · first at 0:15
  Mentioned as the state where the speaker lives and where the story took place.
  I believe on our island it's like a million people and then in the whole state it's like 1.3. Last I checked.

Media & podcasts

• Hot Coffee — Media · Incidental mention · 3 mentions · first at 6:04
  Mentioned as a documentary referenced in the context of burns and lawsuits.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:01 Hi. Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Beautifully. Now, did you have fun communicating with Emma as Emma?

0:10 Yes, I did, actually. Where are you? You seem like a city girl. Just right away, I'm going to say that.

0:15 I'm in Honolulu, Hawaii. Oh, that's a city. How many people live in Honolulu? I believe on our island it's like a million people and then in the whole state it's like 1.3. Last I checked.

0:25 Wow. Okay. Like 90% of the Hawaiians are living on Aahu. I know you guys have vacationed here a couple of times.

0:31 Love it. One of the best four seasons around. Yeah, it's so good. Have you been to that little restaurant with the tiki torches that are burning? It's Italian. It's like outside at

0:41 Yes, I have. I don't remember the name, but it's really good. And the Four Seasons on the Big Island in Kona is also really awesome.

0:46 I keep hearing that maybe now that we're talking about it, they'll invite us. I think that might be the one that like charged me.

0:54 I think you're talking about the Rosewood. Oh, you're right. You're absolutely right. Good job. You're right. Thank you for saving the for this merch. You know how I feel. And are you from there or did you move there?

1:03 Born and raised in Honolulu. Yes. I've lived other places, but my whole family's here. My husband's here. My husband's family's here. So, just makes sense to be here right now.

1:11 Okay. Great. Okay. So, you have a cooking disaster story. So, this story took place back in 2021 when my husband and I had just had our first baby girl. She was about 6 weeks old.

1:24 Okay. teeny. She was one of those babies though that didn't like to sleep. So, we were really sleepd deprived and my husband was drinking coffee like a madman. So, the cooking disaster takes place in the kitchen. I decided to make him coffee and at the time we were using a French press. Are you familiar with like how a French press would work?

1:45 We are, but I think we should say for the listener how it works. Okay, so a French press is like a glass beaker of sorts and it has a little handle and you put ground coffee and you put boiling hot water into the French press and then it has a cover that you put on top of that boiling water with like a plunger on top. The beaker is probably about maybe 8 in and then the plunger goes up maybe another 6 to 8 in and you leave it unplunged while the coffee steeps and you plunge it when you're ready to drink that coffee.

2:16 Yeah. It's got a screen filter on the top. So, as it goes down, it gets rid of all the grounds and leaves of the yummy coffee.

2:22 Exactly. So, I poured from the kettle the boiling hot water into the coffee and then that coffee made its way over to we had at the time in the house we were living in this little breakfast nook and it was sitting on top of the table.

2:34 I'm scared. You're about to hear some questionable parenting decisions, but I just want to tell you we were so deprived. Of course,

2:43 we've learned our lesson. So that's just a little disclaimer. You had been a parent for all of 42 days. This baby was 6 weeks old.

2:50 Yeah. Why do they let people just be parents with no training? Pretty great. I don't know. It was too soon for us.

2:58 My daughter used to sit on this little baby lounger. I won't say the brand, but it was like this little baby lounger pillow. And I went to go hand the baby on the baby lounger pillow, which you're not supposed to do. And then I handed her to my husband who was gonna put her down next to him on this nice thick breakfast nook bench that we had. Okay. As I was doing that, the bottom of the pillow hit the top of the French press plunger.

3:26 You know, over a foot tall and the entire thing knocked over toward my husband. Glass shattered with water, coffee grounds everywhere. Because my husband's like six feet tall, it landed right onto his

3:42 thigh. Oh, thigh. Penis. And Wait, wait. I missed the third thing. Was it balls?

3:49 Balls. Great. Great. Great. Great. Oh my god. Oh my god. Listen, we have photos and if we have a picture of your husband's burnt balls, I'm going to be thrilled.

3:56 Okay, so I didn't know the legality of sending that back. I did send a picture to Emma, who I think forwarded to Rob. It's hiding his penis and balls, but you can see the entire thing. Can we look?

4:09 But before we look, so this big ruckus happens. What I'm immediately afraid of is like we don't drop the baby cuz we've knocked something over.

4:17 Okay, he didn't drop the baby, which I think is the only thing we didn't write in the story.

4:22 He's a good dad. But the baby unfortunately also got splashed with water. Okay.

4:28 Uhoh. Boiling water. And the baby is screaming louder than I've ever heard a baby scream in my life. My husband put her down. He ran to the shower. Luckily, he knew that you're not really supposed to put like ice water on a burn. You're supposed to put lukewarm water. So, he went into the shower. He put the shower on lukewarm. And he was just standing there. The baby is screaming and I'm obviously freaking out.

4:52 And there's broken glass everywhere. Broken glass everywhere. As Monica would say, it was scatty wampus.

4:58 You have catchphrases, Monica. That's so funny. I love that that's become mine cuz I got that from you.

5:03 Yeah. And I got it from a gal at the grounds. Because really the word is cattywampus.

5:07 Well, but Jack says scatty. Now I do and now it's mine. My life mission has been to replace cattywampus with scatty.

5:14 It's working. It's slowly working. And you're not wearing shoes, right? It's in the morning.

5:19 Not wearing shoes. Luckily, I'm the only one who somehow came unscathed, but emotionally not because this baby was so sad. But luckily, she was fine ultimately. Her burns were super super minor and she was back in action one day. But my husband was not. So I went into the shower to take a look at him and it was like his skin was gone.

5:41 No. The top layers of the skin had just shriveled up and disappeared and it was just red.

5:48 Ew. Burger. Oh beefy burger. Yeah, you can look at the picture whenever you want.

5:55 Okay, let's do it. God, I'm bummed that there is one of the penis that I'm missing.

5:59 Holy [ __ ] Okay. I know I bring this up way too often, but that great documentary, Hot Coffee.

6:06 Yeah. You You think like, "Oh, why' this woman sue over nothing?" And this is what her thighs look like.

6:12 This is horrific, gang. It's his entire thigh. It's like knee to well, cocking balls.

6:19 Oh my god. So, his penis looked like that. Luckily, well, I don't know if it's luckily, the majority of the burn, the worst part of the burn was on his thigh, but it was also the other areas, which I can imagine felt terrible.

6:33 Oh my god. It's also his whole thigh. It's not just like a small part. It's the whole thing.

6:39 No, if I saw this without you telling me what had happened, my guess would be that you had made a bucket of hot coffee,

6:46 you know, like a couple gallery just threw it on him. Yeah. It didn't miss him at all. It was so bad.

6:53 Okay, now this is inappropriate, but it's crossing my mind because it just happened to me. I had this catheter in and I was like so nervous I would get an erection over the 3 days that I had the catheter. Like I didn't know what was going to happen if that happened. Was he so paranoid he would get an erection with all that burnt skin?

7:08 I didn't ask that, but I think he was so traumatized. I don't think that happened.

7:13 He wasn't. Not obviously that evening, but then but if you're in so much pain, you'd hope

7:20 maybe he blamed her and so Oh, resentful enough. Yeah, that he's mad at her long enough for it to heal.

7:27 Yeah. Oh my gosh. So, the story's not over. Well, since the baby was still crying, I called my mother-in-law who lives really close. She zoomed over and she took him to the burn unit, the only burn unit on our island, which was smart of her to do. And he went into the emergency room. I very naively thought that he'd be back the same day. I thought that they would put some baset tracing on it, wrap it up in gauze, and that he would come home. But that quickly became clear that that was not going to happen. They admitted him to the hospital for two reasons. He had secondderee burns, which are the most painful because, you know, in the case of thirdderee burns, it actually burns the nerve cells and kills the nerve cells and you don't feel it as much. secondderee burns is like the burn is so bad, but you can still feel it.

8:14 They hooked him up to an IV drip of fentinyl and morphine. No boners now. I was like, "This guy's not going to be trying to come home anytime soon."

8:26 No, no, no. He's got he's got a six week old baby and he's like, "Fucking take your time, y'all." Secondly, they were scared of infection because it was so large that if not cleaned properly every single day, that could be a really bad infection.

8:39 Go visit him at the hospital after one day, 2 days, 3 days. We've been together for like 15 years. There's no jealousy left in our relationship. But when you go and you're 6 weeks postpartum, your hormones are not balanced. You'd be being sponge bathed by like two nurses who look they had just graduated from nursing school. So, an erection is in danger. You thought it was going to be an easy peasy.

9:05 You're right. I didn't see one. It was like day five, day six, and he was finally healing enough where we thought that he could come home, but unfortunately, he got addicted to the fentinyl and morphine drip.

9:23 What? He needed to slowly wean him off in order for them to feel like he could come home and not have

9:29 withdrawals. Holy [ __ ] This is a disaster. It was such a disaster. They would wean him off slowly and he was having full withdrawal syndromes. He was waking up in puddles of sweat. After about 8 days, they finally discharged him and then able to come home. Got like a $10,000 hospital bill. And that was the last time we ever used a French press.

9:55 Yeah. Peace out, French press. Oh no. Wow. This was a full-blown disaster. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You know what's great is I'm glad you told the end of the story cuz it's like when you tell me he got hooked up to the fentanyl and morphine. I'm like that sounds nice. But then I'm reminded like oh right that detox it ain't worth it. He still had quite a bit of recovery even when he moved or when he moved home

10:19 when he returned from vacation. Oh my god. But he didn't have to have a skin graph or anything. That's a blessing.

10:24 And honestly, it looks perfect now. He made a full recovery. That was 5 years ago. Now we're about to have our third baby.

10:32 Oh my gosh. You won't stop. That's great. Well, after this we'll stop. Okay. Okay. It's time for him to return to that hospital and get a little snip snip.

10:41 Well, no. We're going to do a prompt about accidental vasectomies. So like just see what happened. This could have been an accidental vasectomy if it had gone up a little higher.

10:50 Yeah. Whatever they cut in my testicles. Yeah. Which is simple. They cut one thing and then you're good.

10:55 Your vaserin. [clears throat] No. Uh that's like your whole or whatever. In theory, you could burn through that.

11:03 Yeah. You could cauterize it. Is he a handsome man? He's so gorgeous. Yes, he is.

11:08 I had a hunch. You guys are such a pretty hot couple. Oh yeah, you're a hot Well, they're a hot couple.

11:13 And a pretty couple. Yes. And a pretty couple. And a hot couple. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're a hot coffee [clears throat] couple.

11:19 Hot coffee. Well, this was fun. Thank you. For us and not him. Oh, of course. We survived. And don't ever make the mistakes we made.

11:27 Cautionary tale. Oh, if only we could sue McDonald's. I know. Get a couple mill.

11:32 Sure. That would have helped things out. Especially that $10,000 bill. I'm still an advocate for the French press. I generally only get it when I'm at a hotel, but if they offer it, I like it. Wait, when we were in India, remember you ordered a French press like eight times a day

11:48 because the coffee there's different types of coffee there. I guess like you just wanted a French press. So you would always call to the front and say, "Can I get a French press?" Literally every 14 [clears throat] minutes.

12:00 I did because I'm going to be honest, the regular drip brew coffee was not choice. I don't know what the method the methodology was different somehow. It didn't taste the same for me. And you know what else happened? To defend myself, the first hotel we were at had a French press.

12:14 I know. And I was like, "Oh, this is probably the Indian way." Makes sense. I think the French press is English. I don't know. They probably got stuck with that.

12:21 It sounds French. Of course, it's not English. It'd be called an English press.

12:31 Exactly. Anyhoo, Brit Press. Boy, I really enjoyed talking to you, Emma. This was fun.

12:35 This was fun. Oh, this was so fun. Thank you so much for talking to me today. My due date is in a few days, so I'm glad I didn't go into labor and then I couldn't tell you the story.

12:43 Wait, is it inappropriate for me to ask you to stand up cuz you do not look pregnant. Do you have a big belly?

12:48 Let me see here. Okay, there it is. Well, wishing you a very easy labor. I just want to thank you for doing what you guys do. I think you're changing lives with your vulnerability and how much you share and how much you just keep it real.

13:04 Thank you, Emma. Have a good rest of your day. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in ""He didn't drop the baby, which is the only thing we did right...""?

Dax Shepard (Host), Emma (Guest).

What is ""He didn't drop the baby, which is the only thing we did right..."" about?

The discussion centers on a cooking disaster that occurred shortly after the birth of a couple's first child, highlighting the challenges of new parenthood, including sleep deprivation and chaotic kitchen moments. The narrative involves a mishap while using a French press to make coffee, underscoring the struggles and humorous incidents that come with balancing family life and daily routines.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

8 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including French Press, Honolulu, fentanyl, morphine, Hawaii, Four Seasons. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is ""He didn't drop the baby, which is the only thing we did right...""?

The episode runs 13 min; the transcript is about 2,734 words in 75 timestamped sections.

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