Transcript

Rerelease: Nikki Glaser | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

From Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 2 h 9 min · 29,427 words · 588 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Rerelease: Nikki Glaser | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard", an episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard published December 31, 2025 (2 h 9 min, about 29,427 words). It mentions 22 people, works and ideas, including Dax Armchair, Nikki Glazer, Megan Fox, Modest Mouse, Alive and Unwell Tour.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 15:00: Golden Globes, Nikki Glazer, Modest Mouse, Alive and Unwell Tour
  2. – 30:00: Golden Globes
  3. – 45:00: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dazzling Diamond, Golden Globes
  4. – 1:00:00: Fleetwood Mac, Jennifer Aniston
  5. – 1:15:00: Megan Fox, Dancing with the Stars, Golden Globes, Machine Gun Kelly
  6. – 1:30:00: Alan Carr, Chris Harrison, Kevin Hart, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
  7. – 1:45:00: Alive and Unwell Tour, Golden Globes, Sean Penn
  8. – 2:00:00: Dax Armchair, Toronto, Haley Elizabeth, Museum of Modern Art
  9. – 2:09:06: Golden Globes

Notable quotes from "Rerelease: Nikki Glaser | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"

  • It's not Modest Mouse. I do love Modest Mouse. our guest is Nikki Glazer.
    about Nikki Glazer · at
  • And she hosts the Golden Globes, Gw.
    about Golden Globes · at
  • Yeah. To do like a whatever Dr. Diamond told me a fresh up would make me look like I hadn't done anything.
    about Dazzling Diamond · at
  • Like the best dancer in the world and it was in front of it was in front of Machine Gun Kelly and I remember Megan Fox is sitting next to him and they're all kind of watching…
    about Megan Fox · at
  • Hour. Your comedy should really never go more than like 40 minutes. And Kevin Hart's there, but Kevin Hart's there, he just has to do a fireside chat. I actually ran into one…
    about Kevin Hart · at
  • Yeah. It's like Alan Carr died of lung cancer, oddly enough, even though he had he because he smoked for like I think 30 something years, but eventually used created this method, quit. It robs you.
    about Alan Carr · at
  • Well, this was a blast. I hope you'll come back. Oh, I really want to tell people should go see the Alive and Unwell tour, which is you're it's in the height of it right now. You're guest.
    about Alive and Unwell Tour · at
  • Designed between 1948 1950. It's called Dax Armchair, which DAX isn't a [ __ ] word in 1948.
    about Dax Armchair · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Nikki Glazer — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Megan Fox — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Machine Gun Kelly — Person · 2 mentions · first at
    Like the best dancer in the world and it was in front of it was in front of Machine Gun Kelly and I remember Megan Fox is sitting next to him and they're all kind of watching…
  • Kevin Hart — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Alan Carr — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Dan Rather — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Modest Mouse.
  • Dazzling Diamond — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Just evolving. I think it for us it was all like body and strength and Schwarzenegger and lifting weights and trying to be big and strong. I'm still dealing with it obviously.
  • Jennifer Aniston — Person · 1 mention · first at
    That stuff got in. Like I wanted to be famous. So it's like I need to look like Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston, all Yeah. I want to go there. And you have to look a certain way to go there.
  • Chris Harrison — Person · 1 mention · first at
    What's his name from the host of The Bachelor was there. The one that was like cancelled. Chris Harrison was there for some reason. He didn't say hi afterwards. Like it was so…
  • Sean Penn — Person · 1 mention · first at
    And so I follow him and in the driveway while he was visiting his daughter. That would be Sean Penn.
  • Haley Elizabeth — Person · 1 mention · first at
    This is a ding-dingish because my favorite podcast, Nobody's Listening, Right, with Elizabeth and Andy.

Books & papers

  • Fboy Island — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Television host. Her credits include Nikki Glazer, Someday You'll Die, Great Stand Up, Fboy Island, Welcome Home, Nikki Glazer, Not Safe with Nikki Glazer, Banging, and her…

Companies & orgs

  • Modest Mouse — Company · 2 mentions · first at
    Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Modest Mouse.
  • Fleetwood Mac — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Over it before cuz I was I want to be someone who gets high before a Fleetwood Mac concert if I And he's When are we going to Fleetwood Mac? I'm That's just a I don't know if…
  • Museum of Modern Art — Company · 1 mention · first at

Products & tech

Concepts & topics

  • Alive and Unwell Tour — Concept · 2 mentions · first at
  • Dancing with the Stars — Concept · 2 mentions · first at
    I got like worst. I got like last on Dancing with the Stars. It's like a really deep insecurity of mine is that I can't dance and so I just don't like to be like forced to like and with Usher like the best dancer in the world and it.

Places & events

  • Toronto — Place · 2 mentions · first at
    Okay. I pray that you think this is as insane as I do. So, my friend Oliver apparently is in Toronto and he goes to a museum.
  • Rock and Roll Hall of Fame — Place · 1 mention · first at
    And then it just I hit a bottom in Cleveland after a weekend of shows. was I was supposed to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one morning, but I was hung over and I…

Sponsors

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Modest Mouse.

Hi. Do you know Modest Mouse is going on tour this summer? And I really want to see them.

Oh my god. But they're not coming to the West Coast. Oh, well, do you think they'll send us some merch? Cuz I would really love a shirt that says that.

Modest Mouse, will you send us some merch? We should just go buy some merch. And

they were just here in the fall. I saw them. Oh, they were here in the fall. Yep. They did a Good News tour.

They're in They're doing a southern tour. I saw um uh Asheville's on the list. So maybe while while I'm in Nashville I can go see them somewhere. Anyways, that's not who our guest is. It's not Modest Mouse. I do love Modest Mouse. Um our guest is Nikki Glazer. This couldn't have been more fun. I am so delighted that we decided to explore

our history. Our history. It was so fun. I really, really, really like her. She's a stand-up comedian, an actor, and a television host. Her credits include Nikki Glazer, Someday You'll Die, Great Stand Up, Fboy Island, Welcome Home, Nikki Glazer, Not Safe with Nikki Glazer, Banging, and her tour. You can go see her right now live. She is coming by you. I've looked at the list. She's going everywhere. It's a huge tour. It's called Alive and Unwell Tour. Go to nikyliglazer.com for tickets.

And she hosts the Golden Globes, Gw. Please enjoy Nikki Glazer. like in the hours and days before a podcast like this, I'm like, "Oh, people are just like having to study me right now."

Yeah. Does it make you nerv? No, it makes me feel bad because I have imposter syndrome that I'm like not good. And I'm like, he's going to know that I'm not good now.

Yeah. If he pays too much attention, he's going to figure out between the lines.

Yeah. Yes. If you just like if you just look at the things that are posted, you're like, "Oh, she's talented." But if you like get into it, you might like

Let me ask you just as baseline. How nervous do you get for things like this? Yeah. Well, obviously you're brave as [ __ ] You go on stage in front of But like when you go do Stern and I'm not comparing myself to that. Just like what's the nerves out of 10 for Stern?

Well, I kind of set things up so that I can't be because I'm so worried about the roast or I'm so worried about the Globes that it's almost like, oh, I have to do Stern, too. So, it kind of takes away from that. I don't I I set things up that way,

right? like you you don't even have an opportunity to spin out about it because it's just too much shit's in front of you.

I love when things happen like that like last minute or they kind of just are thrust upon you and I don't like to have a lot of time to think about things cuz when I do I freak out. So everything in my life is a 5 minutes before every appointment.

No space everything is stacked. You know my assistant will be like do you want like 30 minutes between that? I go for what? To think about what I've just done to think about fail. Yes, just do. So no I everything's stacked. The first time I did Stern, I laid in bed that night anticipating every single conceivable question.

Whoa. And then planning what my response would be. That's good. I think I mean, it was in some way cuz I went in knowing, okay, I've slept with some famous women.

Yeah. I know he's going to want to talk about that. Yeah. I have to have a game plan for that. I I'm obviously not going to talk about it, but I don't want to piss him off or disappoint.

You want to be a fun guest. Yes. So what worked was I was like I'm going to pivot to addiction every time cuz I know he also loves that

and I'm happy to give him that and that's just me. It's like either talk about anal or your addictions and your neurosis like which are all the same thing really

truly can be. Yeah, they really are. They're connected. Yeah, they're all connected.

Absolutely. I tend to underprepare so that when it goes poorly I have an excuse of why it didn't.

I woke up at 3. I didn't have time. I think that's also why I stack my life is so that I don't have time to prepare. So I always have an excuse for when I'm not good.

Yeah. You have some kind of plausible deniability of response. But it never goes poorly if I plan. Planning does work. It's like it I should just do that.

Do you do what I do which is and we'll go right to it. When I had heard Did you hear us talking about the Golden Globes thing? Okay. Okay. I don't like to hear people talking about me, so I did not listen. But I heard it was talked about.

But almost you have to cuz people never relay it the same. I'll hear like so and so was [ __ ] talking you and then I listen to it. I'm like that's not really what happened.

No, you always have to. You should listen back. So my experience was bumping into Jesse Eisenberg, him telling me, "Did you hear we were in the New York Times yesterday?" And I'm like, "No, I didn't know we were in the New York Times." And he said, "Yes." Apparently Nikki had written two jokes that were too too hot for TV. and and um and it was in the New York Times. So, I returned to my seat before the monologue starts and I'm thinking, "She's going to [ __ ] me up hardcore. I'm sure the version she backed off of is still going to destroy my feelings." So, I Hold on. Hold. This is not to make you feel guilty cuz I

hate that you were like bracing for impact. It was more like I have to have a response.

Oh, yeah. That doesn't make me look like an [ __ ] I've got to somehow find the humor in whatever mean thing she says about my

gracious loser face they call yeah graciously so I'm like almost practicing I mean

oh god suffice to say the whole monologue I was just every time it was about me I was like oh good good okay so nothing happened I was like oh nothing happened and then of course then reality hits you and you're like of course nothing happened you're there's so many bigger people in this room to make a joke about why on earth would she even make one about me

that's not why I didn't okay all to say you do do Stern the following day. And then I started seeing in the comments of our episode that day like, "Did you hear Nikki's joke about you?" And I wrote to several people, "No, and I hope to never hear it."

Yeah. Yeah. But you must know what I then crafted in my head that your joke was, they were all they were so [ __ ] mean

and they were they hurt so bad cuz they were my deepest insecurities. And three days goes by and Kristen finally went listen and she came in. She goes, "The joke's nothing is that you were gonna ask everyone to be on your podcast." And I was like, "Oh my god, where my mind was at for three this none of this is to make you feel bad."

The worst part of my job is that I have to feel this way. I want to hear that. Yes. None of that is to make you feel bad at all.

No. No. I'm not taking it like that. Okay, good. This is all the racket in my head.

Sure. And so when I'm about to do Stern, I'm also preparing for things he's not going to say to me cuz no one is as mean to me as me.

No one is. It's h sometimes. Okay, the internet exists. I will say that sometimes I've done a roast and they'll find something about me that I'm like, "Oh, I've I thought that was just a me thing that none of my f like I say to my friends and they go, "No one else sees that about you." And then it'll like someone else has seen it. And so it's sometimes it can hurt a lot, but generally I've bullied myself more than anyone possibly could. So, but you're right. But but that joke, the reason I didn't do it, you know, the joke was everyone from TV and movies come together for one common goal to get out of here without Dak Shepard asking them to do his asking him to do their podcast.

It's a great joke. Okay, first of all, it doesn't work because everyone does want to do your podcast. So, it didn't fit. It didn't already work like that. Like it I was testing it out around town and because you're not known as a podcast that's like I got to go do this. It's funny because your name is great.

Yes. And it's like it adds a good joke texture. Does it sound like a vape company feel?

Would you say sounds like a vape company? Sounds like a brand of fake. We were really trying to rack our brains of like who's a celebrity in that room who people are trying to like avoid a conversation with. And I don't even think we like landed on anything.

When I heard that was the joke, it didn't bother me at all because a I I don't I don't feel that way. It's actually it's a shortcoming of mine that I won't invite anyone up, right? I'm I'm so afraid they think I'm opportunistic. And then secondly, several people there had come up to me very nicely and said, I just want you to know that was one of my favorite interviews. So I was my self-esteem in that category was so filled

Yes. that it didn't bother me at all. But when it was going to be that I was too ugly to be with her and I'm riding her coattails and all these fears I have that people think about me.

Yeah. Well, I'm preparing for that. You're so off on that. In my defense, there were many many like Buzzfeedy type things of like top 10 ugly guys with hot girls and I made those list.

Why is that okay? Why is that okay? Yeah. So, I just went to Well, that's probably what's coming my way.

Yeah. No, you don't owe me an apology cuz you didn't do the things I was sorry that you got to deal with that [ __ ] You know, like

there's nothing worse than feeling ugly and I feel ugly a lot too. But I for me to hear you say you feel ugly is probably the way that people feel when I say it because I know I'm not like a a total dog.

Are monsters, but we're we're allowed to still feel like we can't help that we feel that way because to me I'm like how could he feel ugly? But it's like I don't get to tell you you don't get to feel ugly because that's your own feeling. I wouldn't make an ugly joke about someone that was actually ugly and I feel like is the thing but you don't realize that people who aren't ugly feel ugly. So when you make the joke that you go, I only said you were fat cuz you're not or whatever it is. Like but everyone feels these things that anyone else would say you you no way you are.

Well, the two things I hope that got to you were a I thought you did a brilliant job. You did such a good job and your jokes were so [ __ ]

even though you were probably blacked out during the whole thing just waiting. Well, it was like waves of relief and then and then um yeah,

I know that feeling of like they're going to say something about me and just waiting. You can't like even hear. You're just kind of like,

yeah, I'm even self-conscious that when they go to her for her category, I'm just kind of on the side. I'm like, this is such a rough look for me to just kind of be half in or out of the

Yeah. I'm like, should I bail out or should I commit fully? We're here together.

Yeah. I don't belong there. You know, all these thoughts. Feeling like you don't belong there when you're a plus one. Even it's your wife who's like you just still

I can't accomplish enough to not feel that way. 100%. I was at the Grammys last night and I felt that way.

I wanted to had a whole bit there though. You got to rip off Benson Boon's clothes. That was great.

But I almost wondered if you're relieved of it there because like I feel like I could go to the Grammys and be fine. It's like I don't belong there.

Yeah. It's the I almost belong there or do I don't? It's that it's trying to I could belong here, but I wasn't really

Sometimes I did belong here, but I don't think anymore. I was hosting the Golden Globes and was like, I'm a fraud. I don't belong here. I'm embarrassed these people even have to listen to me. Like these are all A-listers. Like now like I like uh you know Ray Fines has to know my name. Like he has to like now my name is taking space up in Ray Fines's brain. Angelina had to like sit there and like listen to me for 9 minutes. Like when you start thinking about things like that you're like who am I to beg for these people's attention? Even backstage like after after I perform I never really want to see the crowd because I feel like they will feel like they have to say good job if they don't want to. And then if they don't say good job I'm like what the [ __ ] actually get great at delineating the difference between a uh an obligatory good job and the real one.

Oh yeah. And now your Oh yeah. your standard of what a real one is becomes preposterous.

Yes. And it sounds like nothing good enough that anyone can say. I want to send you at some point someone sent me. It was great. It's from Garrison Keeler and he talks about his faux humility and what a what a ruse it is. Because not only does he want people to talk about him and and think about him, but he actually wants them to kneel and pray to him as a son god. That that's really what his ego desires. You just either need to be a son god or not even play the game.

Nothing. I was backstage and got bust. Please send that to me because it's so nice when you find that other people feel these exact same things that you feel so ridiculous feeling. I was backstage and you know the next presenter would be backstage as well and I would you know Nicholas Cage or Harrison Ford and I would stand at the bottom of they're like you need to go up the steps you're like you're introducing them and I go I just want to stay down here cuz I don't want them to have to go oh yeah good job like they can't say nothing they'll they're going to feel obligated to say something like even when I'm on stage I won't look people in the eye because I feel like when you do they have to go like they like you're for I don't want to like

co someone into saying good job. I want them to have to like go out of their way

or like because they want to. I'm doing all those tabulations, too. What? How exhausting.

You were going to say something. I don't want to. I wanted to add some spice. So, I of course got so many texts and they were and it was like, did you see Stern? I was like, whoa, God, I really hope he didn't see it. And I went to watch it. Also, to be Dax is obsessed with St. Like Stern is his idol.

Yes. Okay. I didn't realize that. Yes. Which of No, it wasn't. Again, I too was like I went to watch I was like, "Oh, this is fine." But then I was annoyed because I was like, "He actually doesn't do this and now he's going to do it even less and I need him to do it."

Exactly. And I DM' her and I was like, "Hey, we really want to have you on." Also, Dax isn't the one asking people, it's me. Can you come on?

Um, that's why the joke didn't work. I got the sense that that's not how you operate at all. And why don't you operate that way? Why Why wouldn't everyone want to do that? I mean, this is a this is one of the biggest things you can be on. Do you not realize that or do you just still feel like despite it like they still don't want to?

It's my foundation. So, it's like single mother, three kids, everyone needs something. She doesn't have enough time. The way you showed people you love them is to never ever ever be a drain on them in any way whatsoever.

The way you would show love is to be completely self-sufficient and never need anything from you. This is a big issue in my marriage, which is she likes acts of service. And I'm like, me wanting you to do something for me to me reads as like, I don't even love you or value you cuz I'm going to make you do my bit. So, I don't want to be a pain in the ass to anybody,

right? To a fault. Me needing things from you and favors, which there's no way you would like me. Everyone needs people, you guys. Everyone needs favors and everyone every and people like being asked for things.

I like being asked. I do too. So why do we think people are different than us? I've listen I don't want to pretend that I've made no movement on this. I have. But it's it started in a personal capacity where it's like where I'm really spinning out about something. I I've just now learning to reach out to someone who's been through this and say like, "Hey, I'm going through this. What was your experience?"

Oh, like that's just people love that. People I love it too. Yes. When I say people need me,

everyone wants to be the sun god that people are asking. They really do. Oh, last night I was at the Grammys and my boyfriend I'm just trying to be very small. Like I feel like I don't belong there. I don't want people even noticing me to go like why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy, but like I didn't win. I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to like hold it to be like I belong. I just wanted to um have a reason to be there. So I was being very small and then people were come, you know, people were coming up to me being like, "Oh my god, I love like people I'm fans of." And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were like, you know, just kind of doing a debrief afterwards.

He's like, "You have I think you have to remember that you need to go up to people next time. Like you going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you." Like cuz that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, "But you could go give that to people." And I was like, "I don't think of anyone thinking of that they would want that from me."

Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't. That's that's one, you know, like Taylor, she's just

everyone wants a piece. That one I'm just like I will never be the one to be like excuse me ever. It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift because I won't even look her way. It might

she's like tapping you on the shoulder and you're just like I it it will h it will take that because I just will never and everyone goes go up and say something to her. It's like she's got there's no way that she's dying for that on a night like this where everyone's doing it. And of course she would be so nice. And I I know exactly how it would go down, but I just I don't want to take someone's energy away that I require their energy to be put into making great music. That's what I I don't want her to make a less great song cuz she had to be like, "Nice to meet you." Oh, and like hold me as I'm crying. We don't need that. Something tells me I can't bother her. I generally after award shows get pretty depressed no matter what happens because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and like the desperation and like oh this

everyone's the same. Everyone has they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in and I'm like we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not. And it just it makes me a little bit sad because I'm like no matter how big you get you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated. It's it I I kind of go through a depression afterwards.

It's seeing the magic trick a bit. You realize, oh, there isn't any pixie dust.

There is pixie dust. Like there's magical moments where you're like, "Wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing. They're like, you know, you know, just even watching Chapel Ran last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Rey, who I've never had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent."

Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act perhaps,

but you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama. Yes. And they're just people.

The reason I brought up the thing is cuz I wanted to do a full circle, which is Oh yes.

And this is important to say cuz I was like a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like, "Gh, this is going to this is going to be a problem for me." So Kristen is hosting the SAG Awards.

Oh my god. Really? Yes. and she hosted them in 2018 and that's when I was her producing partner and creative partner and so I wrote her monologue and I did all of that stuff for her then and so she asked me to do that this time. So I went back to look at that original monologue. I kid you not. There is a joke that is about Mark Maron

that Monica wrote that I wrote that is We didn't have our show yet. That is literally the exact same joke. I loved that show. I loved that show. My jaw dropped. I had no memory of writing that joke. And also I was like, "Well, this joke is fine. This joke is fine. So that joke has to be fine." Oh, that makes me feel so good. Like, it doesn't mean anything. He killed his closeup. He was such a good sport. I I Kristen showed it to me. She's like, I mean, look at this. We did the same thing.

It's so funny. That makes so I was like, I wrote this exact same joke. It's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before. But even when I get mad, it's everyone's such a hypocrite. I don't know that you were but

no I was but unintentionally I hope that got to you in our debrief as well which is as I was listening to the monologue panic that I was going to get made fun of. I was doing a personal inventory you know and I was going you you have done this many times like I I have done this I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of the Expendables cuz I had a movie coming out against them

and they're easy targets and I can do all their accents. You know, maybe Sly was at home bombed. I It's hard for me to imagine that. But maybe because again, in my in that in that situation, I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum. These people won't really hear me.

They Yeah. And then I'm like, and I was on a show called Punked where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly. I mean, like I I had no I no point was ever judgmental and at no point did I act like I was above that. What I more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us.

That's really nice. Which is like I want to get invited to the party. And the way I got invited to the party was like, yeah, you can come to the party if you should. I'll be talking to these people on punk.

Yes. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then you get to the party and the people you [ __ ] on are there.

I know. For years, I'm bumping into Timberlake and he hates my guts. And I'm like, my Don't you understand, buddy? I was like dead broke and that was my only chance.

Oh my god. He said so he remember he places you totally we've had him on and we talked it all through but like yeah I would see him for years and it's like yeah that guy doesn't like me and for good reason.

You forget these people have feelings and I generally the jokes I make are about you know at roast I feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it.

We should make a distinction cuz I heard you talking about it this morning and it's great. You're like Tom Brady's getting $25 million. He has consented.

Yes. Everyone that said yes to the Diaz, they am I saying it right? Diaz. The deas. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone who says yes for saying it wrong. Everyone go, "Is it the DS?" And you go, "Yes, that's right. Deas."

I just want to give you what you want. Right back. I'll ultimately be honest with you. So that's going to that's going to track throughout this episode.

We have the same approach. Uh yeah, but there's there there is consent. Yes. And I have been invited to so many of those rows and I'm like I just don't have thick enough skin. I'll just tell you like I I can't handle it. I'm very sensitive.

Thank God. Like I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast. Like I I put it out of my head. But even I did the Tom Brady one because it was like Tom Brady I got to do it. But the next roast that they threw at me I was going to say no to because I was like I'm too old now. Like when I was 35 getting called old you could kind of it didn't hurt.

I was like I don't feel it. But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it. And I just don't want I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face or that I have to then go

stare talk to someone about in an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it

and fix it, which I've done and I continue to do and but I just don't want I don't want anyone else notice. Like I just don't want people to pay too close of attention. But then the Tom Brady roast you just and then you you go, "Oh, good. I'm not the most famous person here, so there won't be that many jokes about me." And that's how it ended up. But the next one, I feel like I'm a little bit more famous. Yeah. Bigger target next time. So, we'll see. It's going to have to be someone really really good for me to do it again. It hurts a lot. Like,

it does, right? I I'm one of the only people who didn't watch the Tom Brady roast because I'm I can't even enjoy watching it. I just think of myself hearing that and I just I I'm very sensitive.

Um, embarrassingly so. I I am I don't read any comments about myself. I am um I've been sober from comments which I think should be a thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like not the general public because I don't think the general public has too many like trolls in their comments. But if you're a person a celebrity or a person,

you probably know you're a troll or if you're a a civilian and you someone saying you probably work with that person.

You should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago. That's just a simple block. But yeah, I just I don't I can post things now and not wor and not like go back. How many likes does it have? because I just go, it's none of your business anymore and you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it. I It will destroy me.

You almost need to be insecure to be funny in this way in that the jock at my school never had a good burn on anybody. And the prom queen didn't not only did he not need it, he honestly couldn't empathize enough. He couldn't see other insecurities cuz he didn't have any. You have to have them to be able to spot them in other people.

Yes. That's so it I mean that's really like when I write roast I'm like what would I want not said about me and how do I say that about someone else? Like how do I find the thing about this person that they look in the mirror and hate about themselves? Like it's a horrible way to think but I'm able to go there because I go there for myself.

Yes. And you can smell it and your brain is really well tuned to it because you're constantly evaluating yourself. And even we had Vince Vaughn on. He was saying like at a certain age he he realized he had to stop burning people cuz it was like it was the kind of burns that would ruin them for 2 years.

Oh god. He's like well yeah you know he just could see it cuz he had them. I don't burn people unless I'm hired to do it. Even the Golden Globes wasn't like a burn fest like that cuz those people weren't signing up for a roast. So it was like very gentle. I think the worst thing I said was to Benny Blanco saying

that was the only if I single one I didn't I wrote to Eric Andre who I heard knows him and he put us on a text chat together. I sent him a voice memo of the joke and and he's and he said let me run it I'm cool with it. Let me run it by Selena. And so I got permission but I would never have done that joke. For people ask wondering it's I said um you know Selena Gomez is here with Benny Blanco her new fiance and Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish. That was the mean one. was probably the only one.

I love that you got permission. I did not know that. I would not have done Yeah, that one. I would have done that on a roast if he was like on the date. Yep. Like we could have gone back each other. He's just sitting there. He has no he can't like heckle me back. Like he knows the rules. So I just Yeah. I just felt like that was one. And I got uh Kimmel actually gave me uh advice saying like, "Hey, reach out to people if you have a a joke that you're a little bit worried about." Because I just wouldn't have done it otherwise. There's no way I would have like risked them making a like just making him feel uncomfortable and and I did even when I told him the joke you kind of feel like oh I'm but I I presented like by the way I think you're awesome I think you're hot like this is I'm talking about a thing that I think you are aware of that I think you've even partaken in like in convers I've

heard him in podcast talk about him being like him with Selena I think uh Santino went hard on him once and so I'm like maybe so I think he was already aware so I was a little bit nervous to even tell him it But um I did preface it. It came from if I would have not liked him and really felt that way, I don't think I would have been able to say it. But I think I think she scored with him to be honest with you. I was like that's how I felt, you know, like I felt like it was a mutual thing. So it came from a good place. But people show up at my shows like wanting to be roasted. Like I I don't really like roasting people on the fly. It doesn't just come out of me. I don't just come at people without a reason to do it. But I think that's not just because I don't want to hurt them. That's obviously a part of it. But I just don't want them to retaliate. Like I feel like I I grew up going like I was quiet in high

school. You don't want to get stabbed. Don't start a knife fight. I just Well, you were picky Nikki in sixth grade.

Thank you. Yes. Nikki was picking her nose in sixth grade. Yeah. And I got busted. Like a girl saw me and was like, "Why don't you stop picking your nose?" Like, you know, where they're just like you could tell it was bothering HER AND SHE'S LIKE,

SHE SNAPS. She screams it. And so there were a lot of moments like that in school where I would like be quietly doing something disgusting and then like some it would just annoy someone enough that they would go like like I was taking pencils from this kid every like I would always never had my school supplies not because my parents didn't provide it but because I was just ADD or whatever. So I was always borrowing pencils and paper from my friend Rey. And it got to the point where I was like he would always give it to me every single day. He never did.

And it was almost like I was annoying him. So one day I just like took it and I remember he saw me cuz I was like you're going to give it to me and he was like why don't you get your own pencil you bucktooth beaver go in the woods and knot out a tree and I was like

oh my god and I had really messed up my teeth were going out like hard and and the whole class heard everyone even my like teacher laughed and I remember saying like

oh no your teacher she validated how good I was like but I still need lead like I like I like I found some kind of in inaccuracy see in the joke. I was like, "It's a false premise because pencils are more than just wood." Anyway, it and then I just learned like just be invisible because people will call out why you're ugly. And so I was quiet. This was fifth grade and like seventh grade. And then by the time it got to high school, I just never I was invisible because I just didn't want the boys

making a joke about me. What were your other things? It was teeth that it continues. Like I still have like just see weird things with them.

You have perfect teeth. Are they veneers, man? Oh, but I do a thing and I recommend. Please, everyone listening, don't get veneers. Please, God. Like, I can't tell this enough. Like, my friends who have done it regret it. If there is an apocalypse or something, your teeth will fall out and you will have nubs and you have no one to fix them. You will have the nubs are disturbing. They fall out. A lot of people doing it and getting like approved to do it way too soon. They're not trained properly.

You know, Monica was on the verge of getting them and it was like our biggest battle. I was like, "Monica, your teeth are [ __ ] perfect." Dude, Monica, if you want to fix anything with your teeth, the thing to do is you get um what's it called? Composite bonding. So, the thing that they put on your teeth when you have like So, I just went to the cuz I had like a chip on this tooth and I was like, "Can you just like fix that?" They filled it in with a tooth colored thing and I was like,

"Well, this tooth is kind of like too far back. Can you just like put tooth on top of it?" He's like, "Yeah." I was like, "Did I just make something up? You have to have that tooth removed and a new one in. I just put this one's really a lot further back than this one. And this one was bucking out." So, this one is still far back, but I just put tooth on top of it to make it even with the front one.

I wonder if they could build up this leaner. Build it up. Build just put composite on. It falls off every month or so, but you get back.

It's like It's like an $80 copay. It's way cheaper than veneers. This is bonding, but it Yes. It falls out and it falls out. It does.

My dentist is currently trying to talk me into like Yeah. doing some fix ups on the bottom here. And I was like And then he put the temporary one on there and he showed me the mirror. I was like, "Oh,

I don't care about the bottom." Yeah, the bottoms I'm just like, "We don't have time for that."

Yeah, that's why I don't mind that. Yeah. So, teeth an issue for sure. Um like having a a tall forehead. Like one time a guy that liked me and I didn't like him back was just like, "I just noticed like your forehead goes on like for a really long time. Like you have like a really" And so that stuck with me and then I started seeing it. Didn't notice it before. Also hair falling out. Like uh

it was falling out, dude. Well, I lost a lot. I was anorexic when I was 18. So, a lot of it fell out then and then since then like if a hair just gets like caught on something and pulls out like in a clip. I feel it all day long. I like it's an OCD thing where I'll like feel the little spot and I look at the hair and I'm like you weren't ready. And I see like I go like this hair has been with me through so much. Like this was when I did the roast like all my career moments and I just go like I can't believe now and it's going to take so long to grow that all back.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. So like everyone who does my hair knows that I if I go get they're like they just stop. Like it's it's it can be I've gotten better about it because it's in irrational fear and losing what and I often have my friends like send me like how much hair do you pull out in the shower? Will you just send me a picture? like I need verification cuz it only pops up, by the way, when I'm stressed out about something that it has nothing to do with the hair.

You're looking at a haircut that is 2 days old that I gave myself. What? Really?

Yeah. I cut my own hair, but it generally starts in periods of anxiety, which I've been having.

So, I started trimming, trimming, trimming. You saw the progression. Anyone watching would see the progression of like my anxiet Yeah. It's a total tick. until finally Sunday I'm like we're shaving the now we're shaving the sides and we're gonna do

you do my boyfriends that's a really good cut I love that cut hair I should have said it damn it I was literally going to take a picture of you later to show cuz you bring them over it's it's good yeah the hair thing crazy

I'm sending you a picture of my hair wall I do a hair wall you have such so you're allowed I would never if you were my friend I would never ask to see your hair wall cuz I can't compare it because you're allowed to lose bunches and bunches of hair

I lose so much hair. But you're right. It's not. Not to take anything from you. Like you can feel bad about losing hair, too. But you don't deserve to. I won't take it from hard to feel bad.

I won't be sending you my hair wall. That's a [ __ ] to blow dry, right? Like take forever.

Only the only time I ever blow dry it is if I'm getting it done. Like you don't have to because it's like it it air dries like glossy and so good.

Anyone that's been hired by Herbal Essence to be a mermaid in a commercial for your hair.

Yes. That's the stamp of approval for life. I didn't mean to I didn't mean to turn this into compliment to have something that is just [ __ ] perfect.

It's the only Okay, here. Speaking of insecurities, it is the only thing I am secure about.

Hold on. We're all allowed to have one one. Yes. Okay. I know you want me to say I love my boobs. I was going to I I was I looked down. I had noticed yet, but I was like, I think I given out many pieces of artwork that say I have I have perfect tits and great opinions.

Yeah. So, when you People are buying you those kinds of paintings, I think you could have

She did also say she said, "I Monica doesn't get naked very much, but one time I was with her and she was changing and she took her bra off and her boobs went up."

Oh my god, Kristen is so funny. She is. Great tits over there. But you're those aren't you're not like proud of those or are you just don't want to say

I'm proud of them when I'm naked but I don't love it in clothes. Got it. Yes. So then

I'll agree with you like when I have a bra that gives me like makes me look more stacked I feel a little bit chunkier.

Exactly. Like it does it like distorts your body. It does. It definitely does. But okay. I hear that. Um and then just you know body just you know just every my legs skin. This this week it's my leg skin. And I like saw some pictures from my tour that were like backstage and like caught like my my legs. There's a crepiness starting and just like

Yeah. What is crepey? Like just like an old like circus tent like that's been weathered. Like it's just the the top layer is kind of It's okay. It's like it has to happen. People can't lie to me and say it's not like my girl Chad is like it's not. I don't see it. And I go look and I give evidence. We would say in um in the automotive world if the paint is kind of orange peely.

Yeah. Is that what we're talking about? Like there's a tech you're getting like like picture like a wasp's nest.

Yeah. You know that's like kind of like a saggy texture to it. Yes. It's kind of a droopy paperier-mâché.

Yes. Like that kind of like crepiness skin on the the thigh and then um the knees are starting to have like the skin above the knees is starting to like fold over and there's like a deep line here that bothered me.

They I do. They do. Yeah. So, I mean, but then it's like I'm looking at my schedule. I go, "When am I getting a brow lift? When am I getting my knees done?" Like, when my knees done get my knees done, but like when am I

I hope we get submissions from knee knee surgeons, please. The reason you were able to host the Golden Globes was you had cleared your schedule in January for a month to do some operative.

Yeah. To do like a whatever Dr. Diamond told me a fresh up would make me look like I hadn't done anything.

Yeah. So, you had already kind of scheduled this little buffer in January and then got the call. I feel like that's very serendipitous.

It really was. I would have canceled anything for it, but it was nice that I didn't have to because I I never I never take a break and so the only like my vacation would have been just like healing and with like straws in my face.

Have you seen the pictures of those flights home from Turkey? There's I want to fly there just to fly back with all those guys. For anyone who's not seen it, please Google this. Interesting, too. Yeah. Flight there and back. But 90ome% of the passengers on these flights home from Turkey, the men are all bandaged up cuz that's they've gotten hair transplants and that's where I guess it's affordable there.

And now they're all starting chin surgery too. Now that's like the Yeah, chin implants. They're like it's a uh I don't know if they do it in Turkey, but that's the new male um plastic surgery like thing that's going to start. Everyone's going to be doing it. If you've seen some like leading men starting to look a little bit more leading, like that's probably what's happening cuz it's a subtle adjustment that makes you face look more masculine and that's kind of like what it's trending towards. Like there are nine-year-olds who are like mewing now to get that jawline.

I know it's sad when men start to have like the same insecurities that we've all dealt with as women for so long, but they've always been there.

We've always had them, but they they're just evolving. I think it for us it was all like body and strength and Schwarzenegger and lifting weights and trying to be big and strong. I'm still dealing with it obviously.

Well, it's like and you guys don't get makeup. Yeah. Correct. By the way, like you just have to be what you are. So, it makes sense why why we are like why do they just get to be who they are? Cuz they don't really have a lot of options so they might as well accept themselves.

It's true. It's a great take. You got you can't with it. That's really good. Did

Yeah. When you're a dude and you look in the mirror, you go, "That's that." End of story.

So many options. I was even watching this and I'm like, "God, my nose has gotten so bulbous." I think most people, most women would shade and it would not look bulbous. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that.

You You can't. Yeah, there there would be options. I mean, like, if you have a zit,

you get to you can't cover. You just have to have a gaping wound. And we get to stuff it with dirt clay and wonder why it keeps reinfecting and coming back. But like that sucks for men with acne that they don't have makeup even though we look like it's like a little antill.

Yeah, you can still see it. I used to pick at my skin like cuz when I was malnourished and just like had anxiety, it was just open sores around my face. I used to be like bulimic too. So that's why I quit throwing up. Like, thank God it was a vanity thing because I was like, I can't I was sick of cleaning toilets and I was also sick of like having mouth acne that I would pick at and I would pick at it and then it would like I would be nervous backstage before going on pick at it. It would start I could feel it bleeding cuz I do this and do the check and I'm like, "Oh my god, there's blood." I'm walking out with blood. Then I'd put something on it to like cake it up and I'm like, "Okay, I hope it stays." And then you walk out and you're like, "GOOD EVENING, MILWAUKEE." and you smile in a way it's like crack and it just goes running down your face like it it would happen so often like thank God that is that acne

is behind me in my life but it was just that was a huge struggle for a really long time and seeing my sister never have to deal with

how much younger is she she's 18 months younger but like perfect silky thick hair never had to deal get braces born with straight teeth veneer teeth um never had acne just was just

your personality she does like she doesn't even like know if she's hot. Like she could have been a model like all these actress, all these things and she's just like

Yeah, she's pretty amazing. She's I don't know if she's content. That's good. She's like a mom of three just making it work. She's

a teacher. Yeah, she's she's happy. No, she was a teacher. She actually stopped teaching and now she's helping.

That was taught for 10 years uh in Spanish in in our old high school and it was she was great at it but it was just too hard. So, um, but yeah, like who's h I think she's she just doesn't have and she still she has insecurities just like everyone else, but I really I had a rough time growing up with that.

Was she outgoing? She was popular. Yeah, she was much more popular than I was. The boys in my grade liked her and like had crushes on her. My friends like she'd be like the type of girl that like

I'd have all my girlfriends over and my sister would come in and talk to us and then my sister would leave and they'd all go, "Oh, she's so pretty. God." And it's just like a reaction that like I would never get like just that kind of thing of like wow that's that's what I want, you know, just strangers telling my mom that this child should model and then I'm just standing there like rude things that and I was just yeah sensitive. So I picked up on it like that's your value and I don't have it and so just really like resenting that I was born not as pretty as I could have been. Like my parents DNA made that. Why did it [ __ ] up this way? I used to like yell at my mom and be like, "You knew there was ugly in your in your in your family tree and you risked it with me."

And she's like, "You shut up." She would be so mad at me, but I used to get really venomous about how mad I was. And people saying, "You look nothing like your sister." Like that over and over,

just just on top of things like that's you look so much like your dad. Like always getting told I look like my dad, which no, no matter how hot your dad is, you don't want to hear it.

You never want to hear you look like your dad. But I I I get it now and I I see it now and I'm like, "Okay, I'll take it." because he is a gangly guy and like I got his I do have really like you saying like your hair is the thing. My legs I used to be really insecure about cuz they're like more muscular and like my sisters were just like model thin and but now I'm like I love my legs like I get a lot of compliments on it and people are like what

what do you do for them and I'm like it's just my dad's legs like I just got lucky and it made me realize that so much of what I resent women for having is the same as my legs of like I didn't do anything for them. I just was born with this and I just got lucky in this one. I have a dad bod uh for half of my body. Um but it it gave me some perspective of when I attribute like perfection onto people, it's like they didn't I shouldn't hate that girl for being hot. She's not she didn't mean to be.

She didn't choose it. It's not her fault. None of us chose any of it. Just got it.

Yeah. Exactly. Went to the store and picked it up. And that's what I like to remember when I'm feeling ugly is like Nikki. Okay. So, you're you like your arms look like there there's a lot of action going on when you wiggle your arm or what? Like like the other day I looked at my arm I did like a like in the mirror I just saw straight on and it looked like a scrotum hanging like a legit a ball sack and my friends are like no it doesn't and I sent them a picture and they were all quiet afterwards like they couldn't say no it does and that's okay but I was like

if I could snap my fingers and not have that I would clearly I'm not choosing this it's not my fault like why do I have to feel like I failed in some way or like it's I'm a bad person like I didn't choose this I wouldn't want this if yes there's probably exercises I could do to make it go but I don't have time for them. And that's not that doesn't make me a bad person. I think that I just get wrapped up in like all the things I should be doing. You can afford a facelift. Why aren't you getting one? You can afford this laser treatment. Why aren't you doing it? Like even the more money you make and the more opportunities you have to have avenues to look hotter. If you don't do them, you feel like you're failing in some way. And I hate that feeling.

It's wholly unfair. Which is I I think I had all the same feelings you did growing up. But I I had the freedom as a dude to go, "Yeah, that's not going to be your thing." And girls, thank God, did date guys largely because of how confident they presented and how funny they were.

And so that is the great injustice. Like I I was able to transcend it in some way. Not that I ever fell in love with how I looked. I just was like, "Oh, we're not going to think about this anymore and we're going to just do this other thing and that's going to work."

Yes. That's so that's a gift of being a dude, you know. Yeah. I I I decreasingly so I think.

Yeah. Decreasingly so. Yes. It's Thank God it's evolving. Yes. But in the 80s Yes.

I could kind of make that proclamation. Men and boys did the choosing back then. That's why I think it's changing cuz now girls, you know, women, all of us ladies, uh, we are, you know, more educated like more things than sex objects.

Exactly. And so there's more of a like, do I want to I don't have to just say yes to your proposal.

Yes. And it used to just be like, oh, this guy is asking me out. I guess I have to say yes that you're waiting to be asked.

Yeah, that's a really good point. There's a ton of stuff going on. There's like evolutionary stuff. There's how the society has run for the previous 300 years. It's like a guy that was confident and had a good personality was going to probably have achieve high status

because he would be able to do that through work if he was super smart. So he would be able to climb the status rung.

Whereas for women, the status rung wasn't fully available for anything other than being gorgeous.

Who could make the most babies for the vill? Who could um watch the pot boil? Who could take care of the kids? So it's like about it it it all leads itself to like do they have the hip to waist ratio that suggests they can carry more children. Do they have

feed a bunch of kids with those? Yeah. So it's like it's not even you want to get mad and and think it's so vapid for men to assess us that way. And yeah, I I do feel like I appreciate you saying it's cuz I was a man and was able to shift like that. Um but I do think that like what you know I definitely I never arrived I guess it is because I'm not a man. I never arrived. I was like, I just have to keep pursuing like being hot until I or or talented in some way, which I wasn't talented. That was the other thing like I didn't find cuz I wasn't able to get big and loud and funny because I didn't want people to go, "Well, you're also ugly, too." Like,

so I that wasn't an option to be big. So, I just waited till I found a talent and I didn't have one until I started standup comedy. Like, literally tried everything. Um, and that was really frustrating. Do you think you were just biochemically anxious? What led to do you think the annex? It sounds like you had pretty good parents. Your dad introduced you to Conan.

Yeah, I have like the greatest parents imaginable. I think it's like, you know, I had a mom that just never liked the way she looked and was never pretty, never thin enough, all those things. So that's like was there, but I was really tuned in with celebrity culture. So all that stuff got in. Like I wanted to be famous. So it's like I need to look like Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston, all

Yeah. I want to go there. And you have to look a certain way to go there. Yeah. There's no option.

But is it cuz you wanted to be famous so that if you were that's the world telling you you are hot. Yeah. Like not even hot like cuz I don't want to be

You're likable. You're likable when people want to have sex with me. I'm very uncomfortable when someone's like lusting for me. So I don't even know. I want the approval that comes with it outside of someone actually putting anything in me.

Yeah. You want attractive. I just want people to be like I want to be her. I guess that's what I wanted. Oh, that's so embarrassing to admit. No. Yeah, I I used to want that and so I think I wanted and I just I just my parents and we love watching TV. I wanted to be on TV. I wanted to be seen by them in that way and be like, "Wow, that's extraordinary." Like I'm a an enagram three. So like my worth is determined by if I am extraordinary and I I do things that people go, "Holy [ __ ] you know, how could she do that?" So I don't I don't think I I was always like looking for that in terms of looks. I felt like that was the only way to achieve that.

Then I wasn't really good. I was a fine actress but like didn't just didn't get cast in things in high school and was like that's the only way to be on TV is to act and so auditioned for theater school didn't get into any and was like

what am I going to [ __ ] do like I literally I mean I've said this before I was like I'm just going to have to kill myself someday because that is a failed life if my only dream in life is to be on TV and be a personality like a performer and I don't do it like and I just have to watch people do it forever I'll eventually have to kill myself and That sucks. Like, ugh, I have to do that someday. It was kind of like a thing I have to do someday. Like,

yeah. Oh, god. What am I going to do? It's not now, but soon. Is Boulder the first You did it when you were 18 for the first time. Yeah.

And you were only at Boulder for a a year. Yeah. A year. So, I was like the first thing I was really good at was not eating. Like, that was the first thing that I was like, whoa. And that man, talk about giving getting confidence from something because this just came to me a couple months ago when I was trying to like think about what led me to do that and why did I stick with it and why did I get such a rush from it? Because when you're coming up in diet culture in the '9s and early 2000s, being able to not eat is maybe the best superpower imaginable for a woman. Every person around me is trying not to eat the brownie, not to eat, like not having dressing on the salad. And I have no problem doing that if and I get high from it. Yeah, it's a self-esteem build.

Yeah, at first it was like I struggled with my weight earlier on and was trying diets and like I was never fat, but just like needed to drop some probably 10 or 15 pounds. I worked at a pizzeria and just ate too much and stopped playing field hockey and stuff. So, I got a little bigger and people were starting to notice. So, I tried stuff to lose weight. It was hard. I remember being like, I wish I could get anorexia. This the same joke that most pe women make early on like, oh, I wish I could be those things. And then it just it happened because I got nervous about a boy who liked me and I had been really scared of boys and sex and I hadn't kissed a boy. I was my like senior year of high school. I think I'd kissed one boy and it was a truth or dare thing so it didn't count. So it was a guy I really liked for so long. I won a date with him because I rigged a singled out type contest at our school where I had

my friends like tell me who to pick because I wanted to pick this guy Mike. And so I had them kind of like do a signal to me like who to eliminate so I could get so I got a date with him and then he seemed to like want to go on this date that I won for this charity school thing

and we had like a date planned and I was so nervous about it I just couldn't eat that day and then the next day and that shows up quickly on me in my face and someone said something the next day that was like you look great and it was a girl whose

you know opinion be about me meant so much and that I and I was still nervous and so I kept going as long as I could and then it was just let's just never eat again. Sure. This does like I was just too young to understand like this isn't going to work forever.

So this is um the fun kind of overlap with Monty. Monty had this very specific event in our life.

Oh yeah. Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen. Yeah. I was in sixth grade and a boy said he couldn't date me. I like He liked me it seemed. Um but he couldn't date me because my parents worked at Dairy Queen. They didn't work at Dairy Queen, but a lot of Indian people worked at Dairy Queen. So that was the, you know, he he couldn't date me because I was Indian. So then that was

obviously the moment where I was like, "Oh, so no one can date me." I get like that's a fundamental thing about me. And there's a no, that's a no for people. Hard pass.

He represents everyone because why wouldn't he? You're in sixth grade. And I liked him, you know. was like the people I like don't like this about me so this is going to be a fun life where nobody His parents worked at Culver's was it a Montigu's thing like

Fosters it was a competition like castle did you even say you don't like did you protest it at first or did you know what it meant he didn't say it to my face he said it to a friend a friend was like why don't you ask Monica out and he said well I would he oh this was this is important he said I would but So it's not like I just don't like her. It's like I would but I can't because she's Indian basically.

And not because she's Indian like I don't like the culture but just like she that would make me feel different probably you know like that's like the subtext if I'm being that stay with you to this day.

Oh god I Yes. I a mess. I am [ __ ] up for life from that one thing. her thing to paraphrase it was any boy she'd like wouldn't like her because she was Indian. So she shifted to being in love with people she knew

would never that issue would never present itself. So it was Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. It was the

Oh, you never Exactly. It's like they're so unavailable me. Yes. You know, you're I'm picking so

Yes. the quarterback of the football team when I'm in like a sophomore who so you'll never even have an interaction just unavailable men that you'll you can never get rejected by them.

Yes. Yes. Did you ever go for like people that were in like did you does this go on with for you now? Like do you still pick people that are still like long distance or like

now really I kind of just I'm just like if it falls into my lap that's great. I I do so little pursuing of dating. I just I but still it's because rejection is still

so horrific for me. It's not worth it. It's the worst. It isn't like I understand being that guarded because it can destroy you for decades.

Yeah. And I'm like good without it. I'm good. I'm thriving. Am I? I don't know.

But you know it is it is. But what about when someone does I mean obviously people have asked you out through this and and learning this about you. What do you not like when you're pursued? Do you feel like they're flawed in some way for liking you?

Then they they are problem. Yes, they they don't they yes. I get it. Totally. I need someone with good taste. So, we're in like a bad cycle.

Oh my god, you're so wrong. Like, you are such a prize. I just like my boyfriend. I've been with him for like 13 years off and on and I'm not even joking you. It was just this past May that I accepted that he actually has really like he has great taste and he likes me and I have to trust that

and he is like he chose me. I didn't trick him in any way and that I am like really spectacular. Like he is happy to like it only was this last me. It's I'm not kidding. It was it was and that's why I liked him for so long too was because I thought he didn't I was winning him over. He was better than me and now I'm like feel for the first time. So it takes forever but I think it will just one day you'll get it.

How what happened in May? Was there a Was there like did something happen? We were breaking up but it was funny cuz we were I was doing it in public so it wouldn't get too heated cuz we I just didn't want it to end in us yelling. Not that we're yell people but it I felt like it could go that way and I just didn't want it to go on too long but then the restaurant closed and so we kind of had to wrap things like we didn't have time to break up and we were supposed to go to a concert right after this. So, we go, we still go to the concert cuz we're like in this nebulous stage of like it seems like it's ending.

But at the dinner when we're breaking up, he said to me, cuz I go, "I'm bored."

Like, and he was like, "Okay, but you're like one of the most boring people I've ever met." And and that this was the week right after the roast, by the way, when I was one of the most Googled people on earth. So, it was kind of funny to me that he said that cuz I'm like, "Well, clearly I that's not my insecurity." Right. And so I like kind of laughed when he said it and I know what he meant because I don't like doing things. I'm kind of like a homebody and I don't really like socializing too much. I don't like outdoor activities and sports and and and he likes all those things. And I'm always insecure about not liking that stuff because my mom's like that and my dad is a really big go-getter and my dad always kind of like punished my mom for that un unintentionally but like made her feel bad about like you just like to sit on the couch and watch TV and nap and um why don't you ever like to do anything?

Passing you by. Exactly. And I always was like, I don't want to be like that, but I am like that. But Chris said to me, he was like, you're one of the most boring people alive. By the way, if you're bored, it's because you're boring, right? Like that old trope. And he said to me, even though you're boring, he was like, I still I accept that about you. I'm never going to I don't never going to throw that in your face. I'm never going to make you feel bad about not wanting to do things. And for whatever reason, I don't know if it relates exactly to realizing like I'm lovable, but it I for the first it does because I was like, I can't change the fact that I like to lay on the couch and watch TV and be on my phone and that's like what I like to I've always felt guilty about that and I always felt like he was going to at some point just get fed up and he should be with a girl who likes hiking and likes

jet skiing and likes to go meet people and talk to the waiter about how their weekend was. And he deserves that. And I used to say that to him. He's like, "Stop saying that." And he's like, "I don't want that." And I just trusted him for the first time like he's not going to use it against me like my dad has with my mom.

Well, what's really sad is it's all self-fulfilling prophecies. Like you're almost forcing him to leave you.

Yeah. Yes. Exactly. I was. Yeah. Cuz he loves me unconditionally and I just felt like there were some conditions that I was holding back that once he finds this thing out,

they were yours though, which is crazy. And I've since let him know those conditions and he's just like, "Yeah, okay. Yeah, I know you smoke weed sometimes and hide it from me." He's like, "You're not tricking anyone." Like, "And by the way, I know I told you I quit smoking weed, but like I do." And he's like, "I you're not hiding it." Well, like I've noticed. I just figure it's your thing. I don't need to be involved. It doesn't seem to be ruining your life. Like, if it did, I'll get And I'm like

the whole time I'm thinking, I can't believe I'm hiding this thing from him. I feel so bad. And And that's another thing for me is like I we still don't talk about it. Like that's a thing I'm trying to figure out a way to work about on stage cuz I want my pot smoking for me is like this thing I can't quite let go of in my life that I turn come back to and I feel guilty about it

and feel like oh it's not great for my life but it's not too bad but I just whatever. So, I have a lot of um guilt about it, but I also feel like and I don't tell him when I do it. And sometimes I'm around him and I'm a little high and he doesn't seem to notice. And maybe he does, but he doesn't confront me. But I'm also maybe he doesn't. He used to in the past, I think, and that's why I have it in my head. He's cuz he's broken up with me over it before cuz I was like, I want to be someone who gets high before a Fleetwood Mac concert if I And he's like, "When are we going to Fleetwood Mac?" I'm like, "That's just a I don't know if we're like at a Wilco show. I just want to be able to like smoke a joint that someone passes me." He's like, I don't know who this person is.

Like, cuz it wasn't who I am. Like, I was just trying to, you know, push him away. But anyway, I was thinking about it. I'm like, am I allowed to do this thing that I don't need to tell him I'm doing every time, even though I feel guilty about it. And it's like, well, I don't tell him every time I [ __ ] He doesn't know. He for as far as he knows, he I don't [ __ ] I close the door every time. We don't talk about any of my issues like in that area. Maybe it's that, but I'm rationalizing it then.

This may be helpful. We had this incredible sex therapist on um Alexander Hawkus.

No. Uh Katakus. Katakus. She was incredible. And my question was like, should people who have been sexually abused who now desire, for lack of a better word, like some kind of kinky sex? Should they feel guilty about shouldn't they be it's not their fault and if that's what they enjoy? And she goes, "No, it's totally fine." And there are a lot of sexual abuse survivors who will be in like subdom relationships and it's very crystal clear. If you have shame and secrecy around it, it's a problem. And if you don't, it's not a problem. So I would argue all you've got to do is be honest about it and there will be no issue.

But what if I'm honest on a podcast he doesn't listen to? That he could listen to.

Yeah. He and my wife could bump into each other and have no idea this conversation took place.

Exactly. like all the places I talk about it openly, he doesn't listen. But he could like it's there. We've talked about it in therapy and I've like cried about it because

I he just he doesn't want to know. Why is it bad? Um I think he he's never had any drug in his life. He's never drank. He's never done anything. It's not even like a Christian thing. It's just like a it's a control thing for sure of like he notices friends being drunk and he's like, I don't want to look like that. And so he just never did. So, and I think it's a little bit of the dare program, like there's a reefer madness type of like you're a loser a little bit. Like I don't He doesn't want a girlfriend like hitting a bong and like it's dirty.

But there has to also be uh a little bit of the fact that you had a problem drinking.

And that is what he would say. Nikki, why don't you say that part to them? Right. Which of course I'm going to be deeply interested in cuz I don't drink either.

Do you have a weed issue? Have you? Really? Have I? Yeah. You have? Yeah. Leading up to a big relapse.

Right. Right. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. It was a tricky one and I can relate to everything you're saying because alcohol is cut and dry for me. It's black and white. If I have a drink on Thursday night, you will see me Sunday and I will have gotten coke and all these things will happen. Very predictable. There was some period where a gummy I don't know I go to sleep I sleep better I I don't nothing there's no wreckage there's no out of controlness I don't crave it like the other stuff I crave

and then just the having been clean and sober for 16 years and going like and I also don't like that I would need anything like there's

right so I know the racket what's that you need that nicotine but I am at total peace with this there's no secrecy there's no

there's no yeah you're not like I love that you're like holding it out because the people that I could be friends with people for years and I won't and I'll see you do I go when how when did that start years ago they could they can hide it so well a few people so there's a shame around the stuff

if I'm hiding I there's something to be looked at and if if I can't do it out in public like shout it from the rooftops then that's kind of my clue that I need to get comfortable with one or the other

either going to not do it or I got to just own it and then people around me I guess I'll trust to tell me Um, I just can't have the zone where it's like I have a secret.

Yeah. Yes. Because then you can't even evaluate the thing because actually you're evaluating your feeling of having a secret, not even your feeling of using weed.

The way that I was able to stop smoking as much weed once was to like like when I did it not be like, you know, I was smoking from like pipes during like co just real dirt like just it's dirty and it felt bad. It felt like, you know, these are like crack pipes. They're the same. I one time went out before a set on Hollywood Boulevard to smoke a little pipe and I turn around and a homeless man has We have the same pipe. It's the same like green color like Yeah. It's And so it was just And we're both blocking the wind in the same like kind of

hoping no one sees you. Yeah. And it was like this is this it was a real eye opener that I uh and I kept doing it for months after that. But um if I just go I need this. You know what Nikki you need this right now. You know it's bad, but you're not a bad person and you're doing your best.

I don't think you can even evaluate what the weed is until you detach the secret from it.

Absolutely. Cuz I bet you're more ruminating. I bet that sticks to the secret. Exactly.

Yes. The pit of of of of of disapproval and angst is more about the secret. You're right. Because when I'm honest about what weed does for me, it's the one thing I can't I just still have guilt over in terms of all my addictive behaviors. Yeah. And I was like, what does it give me? And it, to be honest, it just gives me relief, instant relief from depression, from suicidal thoughts. And it it does it medically offers that to me in a short term. It can sometimes backfire and I say a dumb thing or I'm just not as

like I wouldn't do it before something like this, and I have in the past. I think it's a harder one to evaluate for people because it doesn't have

it doesn't have the kind of wreckage that other stuff does. You get DUIs, you [ __ ] smack your friend, you know, you you fall down in an elevator and pee your pants. Like,

none of that stuff happens. Yeah. Yeah. That's the tricky part of it is like it has an immediate like it picks me up out of a depressive state. Like almost nothing else I've ever found can. I mean, alcohol used to, but it's just it's so obviously sloppy. There's But weed I can function like no one calls me out for it. Like people don't really notice. I can see it and I'm sure people do notice, but it's um it's just something that it affects me being smart and funny, but then sometimes it makes me smarter and funnier.

What if you're the third smartest and funniest and not the second or first? Oh, I'm I'm No, see that's an unacceptable, but it's

You're Taylor Swift of comedy. That's the only thing I've ever wanted to hear in my life. Um

women love you. The amount of people who have asked us to have you on, the amount of people that had seen

Someday you'll die. Someday you'll die. I talk about you mostly off. I know that's of course

I hope you don't think that's an ugly joke because I want to be very clear about that because I say that I'm a rangy broad in terms of my looks. If I have enough makeup, I can look like Kristen Bell, but my boyfriend everyday wakes up to Dax Shepard. That's a man joke.

That's funny. That's a That's a woman looking like a man joke. But you are a hot guy, so I felt like I could say that and not hurt your But yes, of course I watched it cuz I am narcissistic enough to know if there's a joke about that has me in it, I'm certainly going to find out. Was it the thing I'm fearing? And I saw it. I didn't care at all. I was like, good because I I took it as a dude joke.

Yeah. Okay. Because I it didn't even like as you were saying the stuff before, I'm like, "Oh my god, that other joke. Would he interpret?" Because it wouldn't even occur to me that you could, but I'm glad you did it.

Yes. I watched it. I thought it was a great special, but I just want to say so many people had immediately taken to our comments and I I that's when I had the sense like, oh, Nikki's really really huge and she's got a she has something there's some connective tissue with you and Taylor in that you have worked your [ __ ] ass off. You decided I'm going to be this thing whether you think I'm going to be it or not. bad news. I'm stubborn and I'm going to be this thing,

right? There's something very um relatable and I think people can see themselves in you. And I think people girls I see how my my oldest daughter like the gift Taylor Swift has given my family when I watch the women in my life, the impact that she has on them, how she can make them feel in the confidence and the the the like jubilee. It's such a crazy gift.

It's awesome. And it's because in some way you could be her. I mean, you can't, but also you can.

Taylor had something to prove. Like, I think that's correct. Like, she even showing up on the scene, coming out as a country artist, and then kind of uh making it into pop music and winning album of the year for Fearless. And then people saying like, "Well, she other people wrote that." And she's like, "Well, the next album I'm going to write all by myself, and look how great it does." Yeah, she definitely is inspired by people doubting her. I wish someone would have told me earlier on whenever someone's like, "What would you tell your younger self?" It's like any young people listening or any people with kids listening. If your kid isn't good at something right away, like a natural, please know, and you might not even know this cuz I don't think I would have known this as an adult had I not experienced it. And I think we all hear this, but we don't let it sink in. The difference between great and good is

just hard work. Like someone can be great and some people are just naturals, but it mostly anyone can reach those levels if you just work hard enough. you can catch up to anyone who in high school is, you know, the quarterback. You just work hard, Tom Brady. Just work hard enough and you can be Tom Brady. That was all work he put in. Like I just wish someone would have told me that cuz I just always thought growing up it was like you either got it or you don't. I was just reading a book called um the the anatomy of a breakthrough cuz I've just felt stuck after the Golden Globes.

I took a month off and was just like how do I even write again? Like I don't even know. It has really been helping me. There's this one part about um the guy that does free solo climbs. Like it was really interesting. I haven't seen that movie cuz it just makes my legs feel weird. But even thinking about him, but reading about how he when he approaches a climb, everyone's like, "What if you don't do that one?" He's like, "I've done it so many times before with the, you know, with all the

the ropes, the ropes that there's no chance anything bad will happen." Like if there's there's no room for error, that nothing will happen. And if the wind is off that day or that temperature or there's the rain or or I'm feeling weird, it won't happen. I need to be I need to It's so practice that it can't go wrong. And I realized, oh my god, I totally free soloed the Globes and the Tom Brady roast, which I didn't even intend to. I was just like, "Oh, just do the set as many times as you can to try out which jokes are best." But the truth is, if you just do it, I said the Globes monologue so many goddamn times

that it was locked in and people were like, "Are you nervous?" And I was like, "No, because I just have to it's it's it's like just one other time.

It's just one other time. It's it's there's no room for error. I don't like doing things that are room for error. That's why I don't like doing improv or like that scares the [ __ ] out of me. Crowd work is a struggle for me. Like I need to know it'll go the way I want it to."

Sure. So, I'm a control freak as well and I was very OCD as a kid and lots of ticks and I have a lot of control things. But I love these zones where I surrender to no control.

It's so pleasurable because I'm [ __ ] strangle holding so much of life. Yeah. My routine and my schedule is is psychotic and sadistic. And so when I have these pockets, these things I can do where I actually surrender to it, it's so it's bliss. Do you have anything in your life

sexually? I know I know that like sexually I like baby girl style stuff. Like I am not I like to be like but you know the movie baby girl where she like likes to be talked to like a dog like like trained like good girl like that kind of stuff like I like

kind of a submissive. Yeah. I sexually I like not that I'm like a hypersexual person anymore. Things are changing hormonally but like things that I've been into and things that I watch uh you know I'm always like it's the girl's out of control and and she's not telling anyone what to do. She's being told what to do. So I I find it there. But I'm trying any other way around pot. Doesn't pot sort of do that?

Oh my god, you're so right. Because sometimes just because I want to feel adrenaline, I'll smoke before I go on stage cuz I'm like,

you got to try, [ __ ] Like, you can't go on autopilot. Like, you got to think about what you're doing. You're high. Are you going to remember even what you're talking about right now to finish the sentence? So,

yeah. You said you smoke pot to give yourself anxiety, which I found interesting.

I like anxiety. I think I like it. I think you might, too. Do you? I like being awake. Yes. And that's why I like the chaos because it brings me to a level I can't reach normally.

Okay. Right. Like improv, like you're saying, the the the um the element of failure is so present that a new zone of my brain wakes up. I get the extra dopamine and adrenaline and neuropepine and all this stuff. Yeah. And I Yeah. I can access a part of myself that will survive. The survivor in me.

Yes. And I love it. I love being like, "Oh my god, I don't know the end of this joke and I'm telling it right now. Is it going to come to me?" Yes. Like one time I the the craziest moment of my life. I don't even like to think about it cuz it you know you have those moments where it's like near-death moments you don't even like to think about when you almost walked in front of a train or something cuz you're like, "Oh."

This was it was at the um IHeart Awards or something and Usher was hosting and he like pulled me up to dance which was really awkward. It was just it was hell. I got like worst. I got like last on Dancing with the Stars. It's like a a really deep insecurity of mine is that I can't dance and so I just don't like to be like forced to like and with Usher like the best dancer in the world and it was in front of um it was in front of Machine Gun Kelly and I I remember Megan Fox is sitting next to him and they're all kind of watching this awkward thing and then and I brought as my date my Dancing with the Stars partner who had had seen me fail already and I'm dancing in front of him again. It's just like I'm trying to get some kind of control back in this narrative of dancing and I'm just thrust into this. And Usher was singing a song right before it that I like didn't know. It was a Michael Jackson song. I just didn't know the

words to and I like everyone else seemed to and he put the mic in my face. AND I was like if Usher, if you would have given me one of your songs, I would have nailed it. But I don't know this obscure. It was like to me like a prayer. So that already happened. And this is this is not live on TV, but it's like the whole audience. It was like at the Dolby or something. It's like thousands of people and it's kind of like after the show and Usher is just like dancing and so I had to do this awkward dance and then I was like Usher can I just have the mic I go I just need to do one thing I'm good at which is like talking into a mic. So I was like can I just say how embarrassing that just was like I I got last on Dancing with the Stars. I did like my Dancing with the Stars bit of like I got first.

Uh, I always say on Dancing with the Stars, I got first voted off and I' uh and I say in front of my dance partner, Gle Sevchenko, who is as hot as his name is disgusting. And so I have my like bits. I'm like just getting a little I wasn't trying to make it about me. I was just trying to get a couple jokes in. And I go, "Can you imagine the thing you're worst at in the world?" I go, "Everyone in the audience, I want you to know what I'm feeling right now. The thing you're worst at in the world that has been determined on ABC that you that are terrible at and you have to do it in front of usher." And I go, "Machine Gun Kelly." And and I forgot Megan Fox's name. As I'm saying machine gun Kelly, I'm going and and I remember it was like probably to me like 20 seconds of like, "What is her?" And at the last second, it just Megan Fox, but it was so close.

And I go, "What would have happened had I not remembered?" Like, I can't That's why I can't [ __ ] just riff. Like, I can't be trusted. But that was like that was a moment again where like you have these slow motion moments where you can think a whole like it's like your life lashes before your eyes of not remembering Megan Fox's [ __ ] name

and you remember but like it was but thankfully it came out but one of those moments like

yeah you're always putting yourself in bad situations you risky even last night. Yeah.

How about this? I did a live show for a Formula 1 podcast I had. It was a disaster. We have done many many live shows and they go great. They're so fun. We did this one in Vegas, a bunch of drunk people. No one knew who the [ __ ] we were. It was a It was terrible. And we had to do a full hour. That's what we were hired to do. And I at least at this age and having done enough stuff about 10 minutes into it bombing, I go, "Oh, this is great. This is going to be so memorable for all of us."

That's what I learned from the the the corporate gig I did in October that was the worst I've ever bombed in recent.

Okay. What? Tell us that. I don't I was like it was at a it was uh more money than I've been offered for a gig in ever, you know, like kind of can't turn it down kind of money.

You said that kind of the number that looks like a telephone number. Oh, amazing.

Yeah. And I even think that, you know, I said like this this doesn't seem ideal because it was for a kind of um vague hedge fund like not even a hedge fund, it's like a group. It was like a conference for rich people to go and like do fireside chats and just different activities to like learn how to destroy the earth and profit from it. And um and it was just a bunch of like media moguls, but I didn't read the fine print. I was just like, "Yeah." And um

and then it shows up way sooner than I thought. It was like, "Oh, well that's in October." I think I said yes to it in August. That seems forever. And and then it was like the day before. I hadn't done anything for it. I had shows all week and I just was like, "I'll just write some jokes right before it." So, I was underprepared for sure. And then I'm like trying to memorize all the jokes that I'm writing before cuz I saw it going bad because they sent me like a picture of the setup and it's like on a beach and it's in the round. People don't realize it's so important for comedy. You need a ceiling. You need dark in the room so people can laugh at inappropriate things and not feel like their co-workers or their peers or their wife is like going to be like you relate to that or you think that. So, they need to be in the dark and um and it needs comedy shouldn't be standup comedy. I think shouldn't be a surprise

big time. I don't think anyone's ever excited about a stand-up comedian coming in and like at the end of a long day. It was like 9:30 at night before the DJ like they just wanted to like get drunk and get loose at the end of the long day of all these meetings and they're like and we have a special guest and I'm doing an hour. Your comedy should really never go more than like 40 minutes. And Kevin Hart's there, but Kevin Hart's there, he just has to do a fireside chat. I actually ran into one of the guys that was at the show at the uh Golden Globes party and he was like, "I was there." Or no, he was like, "I booked you." He was the guy that booked me. He's like, "I want to have you back because we b we didn't nail it for you. The It wasn't good. I'm sorry it wasn't." He felt he said and I was like I'll do the I did the same thing you were saying like I want the redo for the story because now

I I did I told the story of this gig on Kimmel and it like made it all worth it. I was like oh that was so like I wouldn't this would have just been a a thing

be telling the story if it went well and I wouldn't have grown from it. Now I can accept those gigs and not have fear because I know what needs to go into them to do well. So Kevin Hart was there. Kevin's there and I'm like I say hi to him before it and I'm like this is going to be bad. Don't watch. He's like no I'm going to stay. And then by the end of it, he was gone cuz I was like, "Let me do some Kevin Hart roast jokes." I didn't do at the Tom Brady Rose and he was long gone. I walked Kevin I um the uh what's his name from the the host of The Bachelor was there. The one that was like cancelled. Chris Harrison was there for some reason. He didn't say hi afterwards. Like it was it was so lonely walking. You have to walk through the crowd. If it would have been nice to just go backstage and they literally couldn't even hold their appla after I said good night. couldn't hold the applause until the the stage was as big

as this table. Like I just stepped two feet and by the time I hit the sand the applause was over and then it was just crunch crunch crunch through the sand. My heels just digging in. It was so they felt so the the thing is what like I don't mind if an audience like actively doesn't like me or is like that joke's inappropriate cuz I'm like I know it's not and you're just uptight and you need some kind of identity which is to be offended and I can come at you but when they're just like embarrassed for you they're right when you can feel it and the pity. The guy at the party was like well I will say you were doing jokes about like molesting your nephew and I go wait no no no I did it about the idea of molesting and he was like what's the [ __ ] difference? And I go, "Well, there is one. It's nuanced." He was like, I go, "You're so right. The material was so inappropriate for that event, but that's like that's what my

act is right now. So, next time I I I do these gigs, I I would love to do them, but I want to be hired to like roast the people, and then I will have a plan. I won't have to go into my dumb act."

Okay. I want to go to two things before we um wrap up because you've given us a lot of time already.

Oh my god, I could stay here all day. It's You've You went to 22 Taylor Swift shows

on the tour. So, and you have this history. I don't know if we can do like a really short

I can take that. I went once. I went I took my 11-year-old to Lisbon and it was the greatest.

Oh my god. Fun. But you did 22 and you have this history one second cuz I wasn't even aware of it. But in some Buzzfeed thing, you made fun of her in some capacity and ended up in the dock. Now I saw the dock and I loved it and I don't remember that part at all.

I'm so glad. Yeah, it was just a dumb like I did some interview ages ago, but it was during a time I was just like when I get jealous I like think mean things like all day. Yeah. I was really into her at the time and I just saw myself like the friends she kept I was like oh I don't fit in there. So I I just said something about how she just has model friends and commented about

um about her size too and and um and then in the documentary comes out she was struggling with you know eating issues and so it was which I had already been through in my life. So it was just

and it was but at the time I was also not in like recovery for eating stuff. So I was didn't have I I got myself to a good place weight-wise that no one would know I had food issues but I was still like

chasing that and I couldn't I couldn't have it anymore. I wasn't good at it anymore being looking like that. I couldn't do it. And so I resented it. I mouththed off on a thing that I thought no one would hear, you know, which doesn't excuse it because it now I know it gets out and it ends up in her documentary and I felt just so bad. Not because I was like I'm busted. People know I'm mean or something. It was just like it would that she saw that. She maybe she wouldn't have seen it had it not ended up in the dock, but she definitely saw her own documentary. Like she's seen me and that's

the person I like the most in this world that brings me the most joy like I made them maybe feel sad is like

Yeah. I heard you say that like you you were unable to listen to her music because so guilty.

Yeah. Like you know like if you have a bad runin with someone or like I don't know about you but like just you just you make someone uncomfortable or they make you like you just

they remind you of your embarrass and you haven't made any amends so you're going to

deserve it. Like I was like, "You don't deserve her music. Like you hurt her. Like you contributed to like her wanting to go away.

You wrote her an apology and tried to get it to her through agents." And their response when I first was like, "Hey, I think I'm in this documentary cuz I just heard my voice in the trailer. I didn't know what was going to be." And my friends were like, "That's not you. You would never say that." And I go, "You say what? I say it about you, bitch." They're like, "You love her." I'm like, "I know, but you should hear what I say about you. Like anyone I'm jealous of I will be that." This is the old me. Like I really have done so much to not be a gossip. You learn lessons through hurting people, feeling really bad about it, and then deciding, you know,

you're allowed to make mistakes. I allowed that for myself. Now, at the time, I don't think I even allowed it as much, but I learned from that because as soon as I So, I I knew that it wasn't a letter wasn't going to get to her or if it I wouldn't be able to know it. So, I was just like, I'll just put out a public thing and that's the only way. And I didn't even know if she would see it or not. But, as soon as I did, I was like, I put out an apology that that wasn't just trying to let the public think I'm okay again. It was really I knew it was about me letting go of that because I could listen to her music afterwards. I was like, "Okay, I repented. I really do feel bad. I owned it. I said everything that I needed to to not excuse myself, but to explain myself and actually say why this won't happen again and

and be honest." And I just felt like, okay, now I'm I'm I'm finally You're liberated from that. Words of Taylor Swift clean.

Oh, I love that. Finally clean. Yeah. And then she commented on it. Oh. I was on a date later that night and I I put my phone away just to pretend like I was a girl that doesn't check her phone and like like oh I don't need it. He went down to go do a set. He was a comedian went down to go do a set and I instantly check my phone when he goes down and I have like you know dozens of text messages being like did you see? And she wrote something back. I only read it once cuz I can't handle it. And then it was very nice and it I think it you know from my memory of it it was just something of like this means so much to me and um it's a great example of like being able to explain your vulnerability of like why we all make mistake. It was something she just got it. She fully got what I was doing and like

and I learned the importance of like I love apologizing now when I can really like

get down to why it happened and like and own it and be like I was just insecure. Yeah,

I was jealous that you're thin. I want to be your friend. I didn't see myself fitting in. And I lashed out. And that's what it is. And it's nothing more. It's nothing to do with you. Sometimes I find myself when I slip up of like if I am really close to someone who maybe works with me and I like like I they're working with me because I want to be I want them to be have to be friends with me or whatever. And and I obviously want them to their expertise with me. And but then they kind of grow up and they're ready to spread their wings and fly.

I'll I've in the past in years past like said things that would maybe make them feel insecure and I and they called me out and I go, "What is this?" And I go, "Because I don't want them to leave."

Yeah. It's because I know they're so confident for realizing that. It's just it's a thing I have to check because it I've had it done to me.

Again, but back to the boys, a confident version of them wouldn't want to be friends with you.

Yes. Or Yeah. They won't. Unless they I pay them, they're not me. And and it's just not true. like I've been able to keep those friendships, but it's just the more I can admit my flaws like like you said like um if I'm not ashamed of it, if I can say like yeah, I was jealous of Taylor Swift for being skinny and I was I'm like even um I went on this podcast and I talked about JLo like I watch JLo's documentaries and I used to be like not a hater but kind of like just the over like we all are not we all but a lot of society or culturally is like

the things about she can't sing or can't act or can't whatever like a lot of hate because everyone's so [ __ ] [ __ ] jealous of her. Look at her. She's so beautiful. She actually can sing really well. She's a passionate like like uh fearless creator and performer. Like she made a documentary with her own money to tell the story of her rekindling romance that ended up not going well. Like and and she knew it could have maybe not like put this out there for people to consume and judge and and people did and like that's ballsy and I'm actually kind of jealous of of that kind of risk takingaking. And so what do I do? I have to [ __ ] on it. And then I watched her like documentaries and I was like, "Man, she's [ __ ] cool and I'm lame." Like the any kind of hate I have for her is pure jealousy. And I talked about on podcast, she reached out to me and now we're friends.

It was so like and now I couldn't love her more. I see totally through every kind of um you know, preconceived notion I had about her. And it was freeing to admit that. It's freeing to admit when you're insecure.

Well, also like yes, for me it's two-sided. It's either like I'm jealous or they're displaying a side of myself I hate so much.

It's also a huge part of it. Oh, all the time. So like my issues with JLo maybe in the past are like why do you at the Super Bowl game in the front of the road? Like I've been like why do you need so much attention?

Yes. Because you secretly want it but you're not willing to do the what she's doing to get

endless attention. And I hate that about myself. Well, I think it's even like and by the way, I don't even know if she needs attention. I have assumed she does. Yeah, let's just

let's say it's the same motivation. Well, she went and got it. You are scared people are going to go, he needs attention. So, what do you do? You [ __ ] on her for she needs attention. So, that you sell yourself the story that people are going to say that about you if you do it, which which causes you to not do it. So, like I always make fun of people who do cringe things online, you know, like not always, I used to, like if someone's doing something comedically and taking a chance or showing their stomach fat or doing something that's really vulnerable

that you told yourself you wouldn't be lovable if you did. I'll make fun of that person to my friends behind their back because then when I want to do something like that, I'll go Nikki, don't because people will make fun of you. I have to I have to create a narrative so that I don't take those chances. So, it's usually everything that I hate on is jealousy and it's kind of fun to unpack it. Yeah.

And kind of go, "Oh, it all whittleles down to that." The more exhausting it gets to be anyone but myself, the better for me. I love that. Like, that is the best thing about aging is that it just becomes too tiring to try and then people end up liking you so much more when you don't. You know, I could have just been doing this whole time. But you really can't because you can't get there any

like go tell my younger self something. I don't even play that game. I wouldn't I didn't listen to anybody. That was part of my charm.

You're so You're so right. Even if it was me who came back, I wouldn't listen to

like you tried to tell your kids. No. No. Pretty much I don't. Yeah. Yeah. I try to avoid that. I'm living. I'm modeling. They'll pick some things up. They'll see other things don't work. They're very bright,

you know. I think it'll work. That's good. Okay. So, have you though ever had one-on-one with Taylor?

Yeah. I actually met her before. I was a huge Swifty. Um during her Red Tour, I got invited cuz a show on MTV and they invited us backstage and I got like a moment with her.

But nothing post apology imposed. Nothing post. Okay. And you probably don't want that. Not even like I I want to just be a fan. I just I really like being a Swifty and I want to keep her that way. I just like I like putting her on this pedestal that she probably doesn't even want to be on. I like her looking like like I like feeling like a little girl when I'm at the shows. Like that's why I go to 22 shows. It's

you know 4 hours of like the best dopamine release I've ever had in my life and

time traveling to when you're little. I Yeah. I feel like the happiest person I've ever felt. I don't I can't risk losing that. So right now it's just the what we have is so perfect of her being this pop star that I admire and like

as you get more successful it's harder to be a fan and you still have it's still fun to be a fan and I think that's worth preserving.

I love being a fan. It's my one of my favorite things. Okay. And I I so I'm going to preface this by saying truly you must know I don't care how anyone gets sober. I really don't. I have zero judgment about how anyone does it.

Yeah. I am intrigued and fascinated that you read a book. Yeah. 12 years ago. Yeah.

And quit drinking. Yeah. Alan Carr. Alan Carr. The Easy Way. Everyone loves that.

So, what happens? Cuz I'm just curious. Well, I Yeah, I did the smoking book. Like I had heard I think I heard Ellen on Jay Leno's Tonight Show talk about quitting that way, quitting smoking. I heard maybe Ashton Kutcher. It was a couple celebrities had talked about it and I was like, "Oh, I'll just get the book to see what happens." And then I I was ready to quit smoking and I just was like, "I'll I'll read it because you get to smoke while you read it." That's the thing that made me go, "Okay, great." And then by the end of it, you're just like, he goes, "Have your last cigarette, but I bet you don't want one." And he's right.

You just don't want one. And I could not have explained that to my smoking self, but I promise you, like, it just worked on me. And so

drinking I wasn't ready to let go of anytime soon at that point when I I quit smoking I think 2009. So I need needed two more years with drinking. And um

and then it just I hit a bottom in Cleveland after a weekend of shows. was I was supposed to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one morning, but I was hung over and I couldn't go. And I'm like, "Oh, this is like affecting me

seeing Britney Spears sequined outfit from the 2000s VMAs. Like, I can't this is this is becoming unmanageable. Like, if I can't see like John Lennon's sunglasses or whatever."

And so, I was like puking all day and I had already bought the book because I just knew that I was reaching that I was circling the drain and I just needed that one moment to go, I'm going to read it. So, as soon as I flew back to New York, I grabbed the book and I started reading it for the drinking one. If you're interested in this, just people go, "Which one?" Because there's lots of them. Just whichever one. The one for women, the one for controlling drinking, the one whatever you want to do. Like I don't think you can really control drinking, but give it a whirl.

They're all by Alen Carr. Yeah. It's like Alan Carr died of lung cancer, oddly enough, even though he had he because he smoked for like I think 30 something years, but eventually used created this method, quit. It robs you of any reason you have to do it. So, it like any excuse you have of like it makes me more social, let's let's

piece that apart and and say actually, we're going to prove to you without a question of a doubt that it doesn't make you more social. It actually it um it makes me more brave. Okay. Well, then firefighters would be getting loaded before they ran into burning buildings. They're not. Right. Because it's it's not bravery. It makes you dumb. That's the bravery. You're saying things that you wouldn't normally say because you're it's

your frontal loes offline. Exactly. You're becoming dumb. It's dumb. it's dominating you. And so all the excuses that it relaxes you. It's like then it proves that it doesn't. It actually causes way more anxiety. So you're kind of like left with no reason to do it. And when they found that like for a lot of people's addictions, I guess when they're they have no reason to do it, they don't need to do it and cuz you're always making excuses of why you need it. And that's why I haven't read the pot book yet because I'm not ready to give it up cuz I know it'll work. You probably know enough about AA, which is like you come in, you quit drinking and then you're left with the reason you drank and then the meetings and the steps are about addressing not the symptom. You've quit the symptom right?

So, did you find that you needed you were now someone without their medicine? It went to pot. It went to sex. Yeah. like just you know um things that weren't as detrimental as uh or you know it was really the hangover that I was avoiding more than anything. So it was like food mostly because of my history with anorexia like after I got gained enough weight to like kind of not be at death's door. I just like went to like binge eating and bulimia and like kind of just like was always in some kind of eating disorder state. Yeah. And then that like got to a really then it was like 10 years before I think it was it was co where my life got small and then the food just like filled up. So my life was so busy because it kept me from eating all the time. And then I was just uncontrollable around food, unmanageable. And that's when I kind of like

was like, I need help for this and kind of got back into a a thing and realized, oh, this is I didn't look at the spiritual element of it until

So would it be fair to say like the drinking for whatever reason on the continuum that book was sufficient, but that the eating did require weight? like you you couldn't have read a book to get

well he has a book for emotional eating and it did kind of work it kind of work

but it it's it is a spiritual problem that I have of like the eating and um it did help me like I don't think people know that if you're starving yourself or if you're blemic or if you're overeating or whatever it is there's a place for you there's a 12step for you that might not sound like the place you should go because you might be an undereater but there's a blank anonymous that has a place for you that I didn't know about and didn't consider because I was like I that's not for me. But it um it helped so much and I've been like sober from starving myself for, you know, 4 years.

I've been off gum for 4 years. Gum was a big thing for me that was like I'm not eating. I'm chewing gum and I would get sores in my mouth.

It was like I was I was like cigarettes like two packs a day of of this trident. So it's like you just it's this trickier thing cuz you have to find your own sobriety. Well, I was going to say is it like SLA and that you you define your bottom line.

Yeah. You define your own thing. So mine for a while was like don't eat in bed and then I was like staying in hotel rooms where I was like well there's no table. So I got to like let's amend this one. And it was like now mine is like you don't get to if you're hungry you don't get to keep going like you have to eat. So the first second that I'm like I'm hungry I don't get to be like yeah let's ride this out. That's not

you don't get horny because I used to get like oh my body is eating itself like I'm doing something productive like let's ride this and it's like you don't get to do that anymore and that's my thing that like other girls get to do that. That's a very common thing I hear about all the time of like I skipped breakfast or it's like

I don't I don't get to I don't get you don't have that luxury no I just I can't be I can't be trusted with starving. I don't have any opinion on whether people should go or not to a 12step program, but for me, um, I could have maybe white knuckled it over the last 20 years, but I would have missed out on like so much [ __ ] learning how to be honest with myself, learning how my fears were, learning how to say sorry to people, learning how to

have a daily im, you know, like I think that's a big part of it, too, is like just hearing people you would never ever hear their stories and just learning how to be just vulnerable around strangers and feeling like in a safe space. I think it's just

it's good for everyone. I'm always like I wish there was one for everyone like just a normal person and there is. It's called Alanon cuz everyone can call everyone someone in their life. So there is a room for you.

Well, yeah. The early one of the early premises of this show was me going, "Can you have an AA meeting in public?"

Yes. Cuz I feel bad that people can't experience this. This is wild. You come in going, I'm not like anyone. I hate all these people. I'm not like them. I'm different. And then they start talking. You're like, I do that. Oh yes, I've done that exact same thing. Yes.

It's weirdly like there's a human quality to it that since I'm not religious, I don't get it there. I don't know where else I would have experienced that. And it's what a thing to experience.

Teaches you empathy. It just teaches you. It's just it's amazing. I feel like Yeah. It's it's it's a lost part of our culture to to share and to be a part of a community and um yeah, it gives you that, but it's it's a lot of work.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the problem I have. I'm like, God, it's But man, when you're doing it, it feels good. It's like meditating. It's like always like I have time to work out or meditate and they say you should just meditate instead of work out and it doesn't sometimes it just it's just so hard to sit and meditate even though I always feel better after it. Do you guys meditate?

I do every now same situation I'm like I should and then sometimes I do and you're right I always feel better after but forcing it and same with working out. It's like you you know you will always feel better.

You've never left the gym being like why did I do that? I have a friend that's Yeah. It's

never happened in the history of the world. So I do TM cuz Howard did it and talked about it. So I too take up things that I hear people I admire.

Yeah, Howard sold me on that big time and that really helped with my depression for a while until I stopped doing it. Weird.

I can't figure out why it wasn't a permanent solution. Working cuz I wasn't doing it. Oh god.

Daily reprieves. It's annoying. You like take the medicine and you're like I feel great and you're like I don't need to take this anymore. Why do we all do that with everything? It's a big deficiency for human brains.

I mean, I'm prescribed uh ADD meds and I feel so amazing on them. I feel like it's cheating and so I won't take them because I feel like I can't Lance Armstrong life like this. I'll feel guilty that then I think everyone like I can't be proud of my accomplishments cuz it's a pill. I tell my doctor like I just I can't take it cuz I feel like it makes me feel too good and it feel and he's like but that's isn't that good? And I'm like but I just feel like I'm tricking you. He's like you aren't tricking me. You like didn't want this.

I am a doctor. Don't insult me like that. Like, but you just feel I don't know. I just I kind of like feeling bad, I guess. Or I feel like I deserve it.

You might have a story. That's what it is. You might have a story that if you're not working

so hard Yeah. that you're just not worthy of anything. I saw Jesse Eisenberg talking on CBS Sunday morning about volunteering during co he moved back to Bloomington and worked at like a shelter. He was the happiest he ever was.

Yeah. We had him on Tuesday. So, why did he go back to this then? Cuz I was like, I want I want to go just do an animal sanctuary. Like, I have enough money that I'd be fine the rest of my life. Like, why don't I just go like rehabilitate goats and

maybe this will help pigs how to walk again. When we had Jeff Bridges on, I'll miss this. We talked about like getting crazy religious about exercise and then crazy religious about lethargy and slo and of you would expect this from him but the way that the the peace he had when he goes yeah man that's what life is just ride these waves. Yes. Sometimes you're going to volunteer and sometimes you're going to go make a movie. Sometimes you're going to smoke pot. Sometimes you're not.

Yes. And uh it's that's okay. That's okay. You're not a bad person. No. I think you have a lot of bad persons. There's a lot of bad person driving you

because you say a shitty thing about someone you love and then people point out like like even that Taylor Swift thing I'm like that's who I am a bad person. Like if I would have just seen that as a Swifty someone else that I'd be like [ __ ] that girl. She's a mean girl and it's like am I secretly a mean girl? And I'm like I don't think so. Like part of my brain thinking I might be a sociopath but so I've learned that sociopaths don't question it and they don't want to face it. So I can't be. Instead of you thinking you're a bad person, you could channel it to whoever else is probably not a bad person, the other Swifty, the other person who's writing something shitty about her.

Instead of saying like, "I'm a bad person cuz I did that." Instead, it's like, "I'm not a bad person and I did that."

So, they're probably not a bad person either. It's like a bad day and is insecure. Absolutely. Yeah, that does help me. I do. I think I do that a lot. We we also had an OCD expert on who was explaining like the majority of OCD isn't what you see in the movies. It's not washing your hands repetitively and it's not checking the lock. It's people who are convinced they're a pedophile,

but they are not. They have never done anything, but they're so worried they are. They won't watch TV shows with children. So, in some way, I think there's a little bit of compulsive like you're so afraid you're a bad person.

Yes. That even though there's no proof that you are other than a couple of fuckups that everyone

Yeah. That's why I like to explore on stages like my darkest thoughts and then hearing people laugh. I'm like, "Oh, you've thought this, too."

All right. So, I guess that wraps it up. That's that was that's interesting about the book. And uh Yeah. Yeah. And I dig it and

and it really has been easy to not Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's the number one advantage I feel like I have over people sometimes. Like

that's huge. Not having a kid and is another one I have to admit like has freed me up to do a lot of stuff in my late 30s and now into my 40s that I wouldn't be able to do.

Although ironically the time you're most grateful you don't drink is when you have kids and you're around other parents early in the morning with your [ __ ] kid cuz they wake up early. And I'm looking at these people, [ __ ] dude. If I had to be doing this, which is already hard, hung over, I don't know how they're doing it.

No, that's the times I've felt the very most grateful. Yeah. Yeah. Is my mom 5:00 a.m. waking up if you went to bed at 3.

Now I know why my mom was cranky and chugging diet coke. Like she was hung over and she was like, I'm going to cut her some slack. That is rough, dude.

Well, um, Nikki, I had high hopes for this. Um, I was quite confident this would be great and it was way better than I even anticipated.

Oh my god, that's so nice. are like so delightful. It really felt like a hang. Like I was in the middle of it just like oh my why am I so comfortable? Like

it doesn't usually go like this. Well, this was a blast. I hope you'll come back. Oh, I really want to tell people should go see the Alive and Unwell tour, which is you're it's in the height of it right now. You're guest.

Yeah, we we just started really like kicking off these dates rooms that I've never performed in front of this many people in my life.

The theaters are all so beautiful, right? The historic It's crazy. It's it's it's a special honor to be able to play at those places.

It really is. And it's um yeah, this is new to me. Like I was doing theater tours for the past like 5 years. And you know, you sell 70% sometimes you sell out. It's a big deal. And now it's like all like

you're adding dates. Adding dates. And there's a little bit of like I'm the same person I was before. Like maybe these people are wrong that are coming out. But it's actually really exciting because I feel like

I'm trying to embrace like no more people should see me. This is the right thing. I'm having imposter syndrome problems. But I it's I'm working for the first time in my life. I am working so much harder on my stand up than I ever have. It was always just something that like kind of came naturally. I didn't have to like really focus that hard. And now I'm kind of doing the same thing I did with the Golden Globes and the roast. And I'm like looking at my material that way of like let's like punch it up and make it as hard-hitting as those cuz I can do it. It's just more work. Yes.

And so I'm I'm taking this very seriously. This isn't just like any standup tour. And I'm roasting every city I go to. You're doing like six Boston dates, which is [ __ ] nuts. And they're almost all sold out. Yeah. Um, so go to uh www.nikylazer.com with an s.

Yes. And go quick because I was just there. And so many of the shows are already sold out. Congratulations. You so deserve it. And I'm really happy for you. And you're going to make so much money this year. And I hope you buy something obnoxious in St. Louis.

Yeah. And you don't have to spend it on your kids. Yeah. But Taylor's not on tour anymore. Oh, you're going to save so much money. That's a good point. Wow.

Thank you guys. All right, Nikki, this was a blast. Come back. Thank you. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong.

The current confusion, and I get it, but I feel like we've said it, which is like I'm conf why are Mondays now on video, right?

Oh. And then I say, "Oh, we offer to the guest. If they if they're up for video, then that's fun."

And then they go, "Well, you said it. You wouldn't never do that because uh it wouldn't be vulnerable." To which I reply, "I did think that." And then we had Adam Scott on and it was like one of the most beautiful connected vulnerable episodes. And I said, "That's not true. I found that out."

Yeah. I mean, also, you can listen. You can keep listening. No one has to watch this. If you if you prefer to listen, you should listen. listening,

but some people really enjoy seeing a visual and we've enjoyed it more than we thought. We've enjoyed doing it more than we thought. So, we figured, you know, why not offer that up when we can.

Also, we do have guests coming up that aren't on video because of that exact thing where it just

they don't want to be on camera. They don't want to be on camera. Slash even we've made some decisions like this specific person is probably better to not.

That's right. Cuz it's more intimate for them. You're right. Should we get right into the Sim stuff?

Yeah. Me and you have both have Sim stories and we've been dying to tell each other.

Yeah, cuz it came up yesterday when we were doing um intros. Yeah. And we were mad we weren't recording the fact check because I had the ultimate sim experience.

Yeah. Boy, I kind of want you to go first. You do? Okay. Cuz mine is Yeah. Well, just mine has a visual component.

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine to go first. Mine isn't. Your stories are also better.

No, they're not. They are. They they're so twisty and turny. Like I never know.

As we've said, you're like the mightite Shyamalan of just normal pedestrian life.

I Oh, is that what we were saying? You said Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Yeah, it's way more Seinfeld. I don't know where I

But Shaman, I get it. It's like you don't you really don't know until the last frame.

That's right. Yeah. Okay. So, my Sim story is our last fact check. We were talking about dating

and Oh, the matchmaker. the matchmaking in the ghosting. The ghosting. You saying I I I wish you would just go talk to people.

Yeah. And you know, be in the calling business, not the Exactly. Not the call business.

Okay. So, we had that whole conversation. The next day, I was on Instagram, the Instagram app. Yeah. And there was someone whose story I saw that I um thought was fantastic. Yeah.

I followed this person and really really like this person um from afar. I don't know I don't know him. Uh but our paths have crossed many moons ago.

Interesting. And so I I I follow him and in the driveway while he was visiting his daughter. That would be Sean Penn. Oh no. No. Um, he is so funny. I just find him to be the funniest person.

Yeah. And, um, so anyway, I'm watching these videos and I'm laughing and and I I text a friend who I know sort of knows him.

Yeah. Great. Great. And I said, wow. Hey, blank. Hey, this person's name Yeah. Is he straight and single? Do you know? Uh-huh.

She said, "I'm pretty certain he's straight. I don't know if he's single." Pretty certain.

We don't always know. We don't always She said, "I'm I'm almost certain he's straight. I don't know if he's single."

Yeah. Hurdle number two. Yes. And she said, "The last time I saw him, I was walking around the reservoir. So, we should start walking around the reservoir."

Oh, wow. And I was like, "Oh, yeah. That's great. That's fun. We made some jokes." Okay.

Yeah. Was she he or she joking or is she sincere? I mean I guess like it's sort of half joking like we're not really let's anyways.

Sure. Because it'll be funny anyways because we're doing this thing. Sure. The next day the next day I was walking down the street and I walked past him.

No, I like had such a visceral reaction for so many reasons. One, it was this is a big challenge that the universe put I

I know. Oh, [ __ ] I know you're not going to like where this goes, but it was it was it was like the you what's the universe doing? Is it is it telling me like

go say hi is what it's telling. There's nothing to interpret here. This is this is as linear as it gets.

And I walked past him and I went to the store. And in person, did you get a PQ or you like, "Oh, wow." Yeah. In person.

Well, I didn't want to stare. Okay. Um, I got a I got a shock to my system because of the overwhelm of the coincidence.

Yes. And I did not want to make a a thing, but I And so I went into this store and just like jumped into this

to hide store to hide yourself and text my friend, of course. Oh, right. And she said she said, "Did you say hi?"

And I said, "No, I don't I didn't. I don't know how to say hi." I said I said, "I don't know how." And then she said, and then this is why things get kind of confusing, right? Cuz then she was like,

"Okay, yeah, maybe that is best. Maybe I know. I know you wouldn't like that part. Give me her number."

No, she said, "Do I have her number?" I think so. She said, "Maybe you should like an introduction is better."

And so then I was like, "Yeah, I don't know." Anyway, I I shopped at the store. I probably bought something

and nervously. Yeah. And then I walked back out and back past. Oh, great. This is like the girl with the cowboy hat. I was trying to take pane over.

Exactly. I walked back past and I like I like shook my head a little bit so my pherommones could spread.

I want to play like a dog tail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that was it. It was just wild.

Yeah. And I Okay. And then I told Jess about this. Mhm. And he was like, "You told yourself if this happened again, you would say something." And I forgot I did do that. Like remember the guy I saw in New York who I thought was so hot and I and I thought, "Oh, I should just say, "Hey, you're so Hey, just so you know, you're so attractive.

I love looking at you. Have a great day." Remember after him, I was like, "I should have said it." Yeah.

And then at the guy at Farmers Market at the at Brentwood Country Mart, what's the bracelets

at the tower? You couldn't get your bracelets on. Oh, that's separate. Should have had the guy had a guy put them on.

There was no guy there. Okay, we can't count that one. Yeah, that doesn't count. But the other guy at Brentwood Country that was so attractive.

Yeah. How many street cars are you going to watch go by? I know. I am starting to think

you got to get mad at yourself. That's a good motivator. Like that's when you like you're [ __ ] I've had enough of this. who I'm I'm going to live my whole life like this. [ __ ] this.

I'm like 4% there. Whoa. Jeez. I thought this would take you into the 40s. Was it was Well, I I didn't know how. I could take it as I'm mad at myself. I should have said something or

wow, the universe loves me. Like gave me something. I'm not I didn't do anything about it.

But it's only going to give it's only going to try to help you so many times. Yes. If you don't want its help, it's going to stop.

Universe, I You need to be way the [ __ ] above 4%. I just, as your friend, I need to yell at you a little bit.

40. You need to be in the 48. I'm going 82%. He knows you. You're a comedy girl. You got this popular podcast. We're on a very popular podcast. That's why we're staying at this hotel. Mr. Customs Man in India.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. Still haunts me. I'll think about that. That's like the Nef Campbell thing for me.

Oh yeah. I'll be thinking about that. Oh yeah. Wait. Okay. What happened again? Yeah. You told

the Indian customs man. Oh yeah. When he didn't believe I was staying at the nice hotel and he wanted the first the phone number, then he wanted the address, then he wanted like I don't know what he wanted. He did not believe that we were staying

here. And I said, so well um I'm one of the hosts of a very popular podcast and we're in town to interview Bill Gates. And I'm like, he didn't know what podcast was. He didn't know what popular was. And I don't think he knew what Bill Gates was.

He didn't give a [ __ ] about it was a three strikes and you're out. We're so lucky I got led into that country.

I know. That was so funny. Okay. Anyway, so that was just that was so s The next day.

Yes. The next day. The next Yeah, you got to listen, girl. I know. He said Maru a lot, too.

Oh my. He's probably a pervert. Probably wants you to [ __ ] on [ __ ] on a glass. Ask him if he likes girls to [ __ ] on a glass coffee table. People are trying to guess

and tell her your friend's open to it as long as there's not been like 10 other people who have done it.

As long as she's the first. Exactly. And you Well, you could be up to up to the second.

No, I want to be the first. Okay. You have standards. Okay. Okay. Now, you have a sim moment, too. Now, let's hear it.

Okay. I I pray that you think this is as insane as I do. So, my friend Oliver apparently is in Toronto and he goes to a museum.

Okay. And then he sends me these two photos from a museum. Okay? And I will explain to the listener.

This is in a museum and it is an Ames chair that was made between 1948 and 1950. Designed between 1948 1950. It's called Dax Armchair, which DAX isn't a [ __ ] word in 1948. Not only is it a Dax armchair, it was designed at UCLA and manufactured in Michigan.

Oh, are you [ __ ] Dax armchair? God, does that not zap your brain in it? That's not possible in a museum. Dax armchair. Am I They should write [ __ ] expert after it.

Well, I thought when this first popped up, I thought it was something for the show. I thought something in the museum. This is in a museum of an EMS chair, by the way. Affordable. It was 20 bucks. It was meant to be a cheap

and we're cheap. Yes, I'm a cheap I'm a cheapy. Dax armchair. Why did they use that word? That wasn't a word.

That's not a name. It is. It was made at UCLA. It manufactured in Michigan. The DAX listed at about $20 each modern term. Dax armchair designed 1948 to 1950 by Charles Emmes and Ray Emmes with staff of the engineering department University of California Los Angeles. This model made from 1955 to about 1972 by Herman Miller Furniture Co. Zealand Michigan

molded polyester fiberglass composite steel rubber. I used to wear rubbers when I was single. That's a stretch. Um, the chair design shared a second prize. Of course, I never win either. I never win. My birthday's the second.

The chair design shared a second prize loser in the 1948 international competition for lowcost furniture design. Sponsored by the Museum of Modern Art, New York City, one of my favorite cities. The DAX listed at about $20 each or $100 in modern terms. You have $100.

And the French name for it is fatulax. Fatul fatier. Fatulier Dax. Wow. Monica, would you agree? This is [ __ ] insane.

That's insane. Dax armchair. We got to get one obviously. For sure. 20 bucks. Who wouldn't?

100 in modern. Oh, 100. Oh, never mind. I want to contact this museum and just sit next to it so people can crack up.

Where is it? Toronto. Oh, we're not going there. That was the first place I ever went in a hot tub.

The Harbor Castle family vacation. I read that in bed yesterday morning and I like I couldn't I'm like when is it too much?

I'll cry. Maybe I'll I'll cry a bit tonight about everything. You didn't cry about this.

I was just stunned. How how crazy could it get before you have to go like I don't understand

I know that's how I am feeling like yeah how explicit do they have to be the sim engineers

they're begging do I think they want to I'm getting nervous though because Eric says the more we're on to it they'll unplug they'll start unplugging

right they'll get suspicious of us and start like uh hampering our speech I'm shook by that chair And I must own it. It doesn't look terribly comfortable.

No, but we still need it in What if I just like couldn't ever no matter what. It's round. I'm round. It has four legs. I do, too.

Yeah, we need that in here 100%. So, this is a ding-dingish because my favorite podcast, Nobody's Listening, Right, with Elizabeth and Andy. Elizabeth loves signs like this. She lost both of her parents when she was quite young, so she

often sees them in the universe in ways. They're winking at her. Yeah, she loves that. And I and and I like it, too.

And that is a sign from the universe. I know. It was a sign. It was a sign to like keep going like it's all going to be fine.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it is all fine. Exactly. Yeah. I told you this about um Lar Hamilton. Gabrielle said that he looks at her, she's like, I love his presence in my life cuz he's just unflapable. Right. And she said that once in a while when she's frail, he looks at her and he goes, it's going to be fine. It is fine.

Yeah. Yeah. You did say this. You said or it's going to be okay. It is okay. Yeah.

Right now it's okay. I love that. I really love that. It's a very steadying. Also, you know, we have a friend who did hypnosis, and I think I've said this before, but I think about it all the time. Um,

are you the friend in the story? Remember, you did hypnosis. No, it wasn't me in the attic.

Yeah, I do. Okay. Listen to that episode. That was an interesting episode. I got hypnotized real time on this show.

That's right. Yeah. Now, this friend got hypnosis to stop vaping. Part of it is you say, "I used to do that. I don't do that anymore. Never again.

Well, we used to do that. I don't do that. Never again. Yeah. I hate that sentence.

I love it. I think it's so I think the I don't do that anymore. Yeah. Is so strong. It's actually It's like the past, the present, the future all in one thing,

right? Yes. But the present is the one that is the most impactful. And it's similar to it is okay.

Yes. I don't do that anymore. Yeah. My thing is to go like what has been helpful to me is to go like whatever when I quit dip or I quit any of the stuff I quit which is all the time I go like oh my god I want it I want this so bad

and in 10 minutes I won't yeah like it doesn't help me it doesn't for me like knowing it yes this is an urge it'll be passing and then believe it or not in 10 minutes this you're not you won't be fighting this

is very comforting to me cuz generally when I get that strong compulsion to do something I don't want to do. I my brain tells me I'm going to feel that way forever until I do the thing I want to do.

Yeah. But it's tricky cuz some things some things never change. Some things I guess depending on your addiction, some things don't go away. There's something to me about the mantra if you're really trying to quit something of just like

not like I won't want this cuz I think that's a lie for certain things for certain people and

certain addictions like I I think it's it's not like don't worry you won't want this soon because

that's not a reality. It might not be a reality. It's just like yeah I used to do that I don't do that anymore.

I will say doing that again. I don't I don't want to drink. Yeah. Really? That that is a miracle in my life.

You That's That's a miracle. Yeah. That I was, as I say in the program, like relieved of the obsession. That was kind of unimaginable the first year.

Yeah. Oh, I'm just going to [ __ ] every time I walk by a bar for the rest of my life, I'm going to want to go inside and I got to talk myself out of not going inside for the rest of my life.

Yeah. But I don't think about it ever. Yeah, I could be like surrounded by Jack Daniels bottles and it doesn't even I'm just like, "Oh, yeah."

I don't know if that's for everyone though. Yeah. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

This is a ding ding ding cuz this is for Nikki and we do talk about addiction. I love this episode. I got to say, I told her it was like we have these episodes every now and again, but they really fill my tank up and they make me really really excited for our job. Not that I ever don't like our job. I always like our job, but sometimes I'm really turbocharged and I really hits me like no, I love our job

to get to like have some thing in your head and then conf like work through it with the actual human being that we have access to that and then they're so incredible

and fun. Yeah. I just I I this put a real spring in my step this episode. Not to brag.

Go ahead and brag. Not to brag. That's a sign of really good friends. You can brag.

I think it is. Yeah, but not I mean I I guess the armchairs are my good friends.

Yeah. Um I got two numbers that week. Yeah. Was one of them and that was pretty cool. I played it really cool

and um too cool. Well, no, because you exchanged numbers. Uhhuh. And you know I didn't. I sat back.

We had a Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Like as she was leaving, you you got her number

and then I you know I I went in the corner during that part peed in on a on her tree.

Yeah. Yeah. And then um a little animal you want. She was like, "Oh god, what's she?" Okay.

That's a thing she does. It's a good luck thing for us. She She does that at every single one. And then she reached out to me.

That's wonderful cuz it it it quiets any voice in your head that she didn't want to give you your number.

Yeah. I don't cuz once in a while we exchange numbers with the guests. You do? Yeah.

I don't like I will you've done like five times if they I will never instigate it ever.

Most of the time I want their number. Like I like them and I'd love to at some point in my life if I want to say hi to them, I want to be able to do that.

God, this is this is back to me and you at the bar. Yeah. You get the You always You were just like, "Give me your number."

Yeah, cuz I might want to say hi. I might see you in something and I want to be able to tell you I loved it or whatever it is, but it's perfect for you because you didn't

you didn't ask for it and then she reached out to you. Yeah, we love her. We love her.

We're the number one fans. Yeah, she's she's so great. She's so great. Okay, a couple little fakies. Gracious loser face.

Gracious loser face. That's from Friends. Oh, why did they have to confront that? because Joey um

oh he's an n for a daytime drama soap opera soapie soapy sudsy audsy and and um Rachel is teaching him about gracious loser

and did he have a I'm guessing he probably had a really preposterous look on his face

he got actually mad oh he did when he lost when he lost oh that's great yeah god it's a good

I wish someone would do that they're on their face and it's not their name and they go [ __ ] this [ __ ] they stand up and walk out. That would be awesome. I feel like some of those people

and some of those people deserve to like some of these people have been nominated 15 [ __ ] times in the same category and not one.

I know. So, stop inviting me. Exactly. Okay. Do they do knee tucks? Yes. A knee tuck, also known as a knee lift, cosmetic procedure that improves the appearance of the knees. They can address loose skin, excess fat, and other signs of aging. Speaking of skin, I did the thing. I haven't done it in so long, but I did the thing you're never supposed to do where I I like felt something sort of under the skin just a tiny bit and a hint of a pimple.

Yeah. But I don't know if it's a pimple because it's been there for a long time. It's under It's like under but it's not a cyst. It feels like I can like I can like feel it. More like a pin prick, like a splinter.

Yeah. Um, and so yesterday I started [ __ ] with it and now I created a whole issue on my face and we're about to Kristen's hosting the SAG Awards. By the time this comes out it will already happen. Also, ding ding ding Nikki Golden Globes.

Um, and I'm there to help her write her stuff and so I'll be there and now I have a whole is whole. It's right here. You can't you can see it. That's okay.

No money. It's okay. I just I I was just like, why don't we learn these lessons?

I know the face stuff is impossible. I I can't tell you how often I'm pushing on something going, don't do this. Don't do this. This is a mistake.

Oh my god. I think I'm almost there. I am going to get it. I'm going to stop doing this. Okay, you're going to finish this and you are not allowed to look in the mirror and start touching this again. Like I go through this madness all the time.

I know. Yeah. All right. Now, we talked about baby girl. Oh, yeah. Talk about baby girl. Baby girl has two meanings.

Okay, baby girl is a slang term used to describe an attractive man, often a celebrity or fictional character. It's a term of endearment that's become popular with Gen Z. Like a lot of people are like Austin Butler is baby girl. Timothy Shalom Shalamé is baby girl.

Yeah. Yeah. Um we would have said in my era a pretty boy. Yes, probably correct. Attractive, cute, or vulnerable.

Oh, vulnerable. Also, it's this sexual dynamic. Oh, based on the Well, not B I don't know if it happened first, but the movie Nicole Kidman, baby girl, there's milk. She drinks milk

like a kitty or something. Well, she does drink like a cat. And I don't know if it's different from when she also drinks milk cuz they've made that joke a lot on all these shows.

And I fell asleep during like 10 minutes of the movie. So, that might have been when she drank the milk. Yeah, this is like when you fell asleep during or you shut without a paddle off or you fell

took a shower in the middle of took a shower. Yeah, we had a recording. Yeah, I understand. I had to get to

you timed it perfectly. You missed my racist I missed your racist thing. That was sim. That was probably my dad saying go to shower now.

Take a quick one. Yeah. So anyway, baby girl is like a dominant woman being treated as a subsexually like dominant in life.

Yeah. being kind of subordinate sexually. Um I think often to a man who might be subordinate to her in life.

You know what I mean? Like kinky. Well, yeah. And baby girl, she's the boss and he's the intern.

Oh, see I want to be hotter and I didn't find it hot. What if she was coughed up a hairball like she got too into the role that she was hacking and stuff? I wonder if you'll think it's sexy because I I in theory could see it being sexy, but then when I was watching it, I was like, it's not really for me.

I wouldn't like tie me up, no thank you. Handcuffs, no thank you. What about Okay. At one time, you dated this kind of older model.

Oh. Uhhuh. Were you kind of subordinate there? No. No, but it was that was I would say more like two equals wrestling match.

Interesting. Uh you mean physically or? Yeah, like she was aggressive. Okay. I was equally aggressive back.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it was like uh but it was there was no gray. No, she had a m she had a wrestling mask on.

Okay. Uh h have you ever been a sub? Yeah. No, I don't even think so. Are you bringing up my molesting?

Oh my god. No, I was never. The darker the better. Okay. So, you've never subbed?

No. You never been a substitute teacher? No. Truly no shade to anyone. I've explored everything in my mind.

I'm like up for anything and everything. So, I would try it. Yeah. I I don't care. I would try that.

Would you if Kristen's like, "I want to handcuff you and hit you with a [ __ ] horse whip or whatever." I'd be like "Yeah okay great.

What if she asked you to drink milk out like a cat?" Yeah, great. I would do anything. There's nothing I want to do.

That's fun. But when I imagine whether I'd be enjoying it or not, it's kind of hard for me to lock in.

Yeah. Okay. Well, all right. Baby girl. Baby girl. Okay. What did Taylor Swift, good old Taylor Swift say uh to Nikki in response to her apology? Her apology said, "I love Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, I am featured in her documentary as part of a montage of ass hats saying mean things about her, which is used to explain why she felt the need to escape from the spotlight for a year. It's insanely ironic because anyone who knows me knows I'm obnoxiously obsessed with her and her music. The soundbite was from an interview I did 5 years ago and I say in such a shitty tone, "She's too skinny. It bothers me, all of her model friends, and it's just like, come on." This quote should be used as an example of projection in Psych 101 textbooks. If you're familiar with my quote work at all, you know I talk openly about battling some kind of eating disorder for the past 17 years. I was probably feeling fat. Again, that's

in quotes. Feeling fat that day and was jealous and I was only bothered by her model friends because I'd like to be her friend and I'm not a model.

That's a strong apology. That is very Then Taylor said, "Wow, I appreciate this so much. One of the major themes of the doc is that we have the ability to change our opinions over time, to grow, to learn about ourselves. I'm so sorry to hear that you've struggled with some of the same things I've struggled with. Sending a massive hug." Oh, that's very sweet. That's as nice and repairing as a [ __ ] thing can be.

Yeah. Aspirational. It is. Um. All right. All right. Love you. Love you.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Rerelease: Nikki Glaser | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

In order: 0:00 Golden Globes, Nikki Glazer, Modest Mouse, Alive and Unwell Tour; 15:00 Golden Globes; 30:00 Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dazzling Diamond, Golden Globes; 45:00 Fleetwood Mac, Jennifer Aniston; 1:00:00 Megan Fox, Dancing with the Stars, Golden Globes, Machine Gun Kelly; 1:15:00 Alan Carr, Chris Harrison, Kevin Hart, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; 1:30:00 Alive and Unwell Tour, Golden Globes, Sean Penn; 1:45:00 Dax Armchair, Toronto, Haley Elizabeth, Museum of Modern Art; 2:00:00 Golden Globes.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

22 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Dax Armchair, Nikki Glazer, Megan Fox, Modest Mouse, Alive and Unwell Tour, Dancing with the Stars. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Rerelease: Nikki Glaser | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

The episode runs 2 h 9 min; the transcript is about 29,427 words in 588 timestamped sections.

More from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.