Transcript

Short Shorts, Billy Crudup, Piercing the Veil | Fact Check for Billy Crudup

From Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 50 min · 9,995 words · 345 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Short Shorts, Billy Crudup, Piercing the Veil | Fact Check for Billy Crudup", an episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard published November 17, 2025 (50 min, about 9,995 words). It mentions 35 people, works and ideas, including Santa Monica, Pumpkin spice, Charles the Great (Charlemagne), Kristen, Nashville.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: Armchair Anonymous, Brick Tops, Santa Monica
  2. – 10:00: Kristen, Lil Dom's
  3. – 15:00: Nashville
  4. – 20:00: Dale Allison, Kristen, Santa Monica
  5. – 25:00: Santa Monica, Kristen
  6. – 30:00: Pumpkin spice, Pumpkin spice latte
  7. – 35:00: Charles the Great (Charlemagne), Manhasset, Pumpkin spice, Long Island Expressway
  8. – 40:00: Charles the Great (Charlemagne), UNC Chapel Hill
  9. – 45:00: Cognitive test, IQ test, Santa Monica, University of Michigan
  10. – 50:00: Alexander Technique, AP classes, Mona Styles, Tom Stoppard

Notable quotes from "Short Shorts, Billy Crudup, Piercing the Veil | Fact Check for Billy Crudup"

  • I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.
    about Santa Monica · at
  • Now, what's so interesting is like Kristen has now taken a stab at gluten-free sourdough bread.
    about Kristen · at
  • So, I very much want Christmas lights down in Nashville.
    about Nashville · at
  • All right. Now, we start the episode off by talking about pumpkin spice.
    about Pumpkin spice · at
  • But it's a little like rest assured, there's no pumpkin in your pumpkin spice latte.
    about Pumpkin spice latte · at
  • And he's right. Manhasset is named after the Native American word Manhanset, which means island neighborhood. This name comes from a tribe of Native Americans who lived in the area before.
    about Manhasset · at
  • Probably. Okay. How many people are descendants of Charlemagne?
    about Charles the Great (Charlemagne) · at
  • Okay. now Alexander technique. He talked about teacher like a very prominent Alexander technique teacher at UC, excuse me, at NYU. not on the list because that is a private school.
    about Alexander Technique · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Santa Monica — Person · 5 mentions · first at
  • Charles the Great (Charlemagne) — Person · 4 mentions · first at
  • Kristen — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Dale Allison — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Doesn't mean he's still capable in the same way. Because listen, I just went to play Maong at Anthony and Allison's house and they have a young daughter. She was excited to show me she's been working on splits and she wanted to do a split.
  • Mona Styles — Person · 1 mention · first at
    And I think it might be Mona Styles because she taught the Alexander technique for decades before her passing in 2020 at the graduate acting program at NYU. I do think he said he. So, you.
  • Tom Stoppard — Person · 1 mention · first at
    And I guess I should read a Tom Stoppard play.
  • Uncle Baby Billy — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Not Uncle Baby Billy, but Billy Crudup.
  • Genghis Khan — Person · 1 mention
  • Jess — Person · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • Brick Tops — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah. That's why like No, I think when we were at Brick Tops, I want to say I took down a baked potato and then I did eat the skin.
  • Lil Dom's — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. now do you eat at Lil Dom's ever?
  • UNC Chapel Hill — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Out of state students make up no more than 18% of the first year undergraduate class at UNC Chapel Hill due to its UNCC system policy. M and then I thought this is interesting.
  • University of Michigan — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Then we got University of Michigan.
  • University of Pennsylvania — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Penn is private. I think University of Pennsylvania. No.
  • Lucifer's Pizza — Company · 1 mention
  • UGA — Company · 1 mention
  • Wharton School — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

Concepts & topics

  • Alexander Technique — Concept · 2 mentions · first at
  • Manhanset — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    And he's right. Manhasset is named after the Native American word Manhanset, which means island neighborhood. This name comes from a tribe of Native Americans who lived in the area before European settlement and used the nearby.
  • IQ test — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    But what I maintain is that wasn't an IQ test. That's just I'm okay.
  • Cognitive test — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    Okay. Our co on our cognitive test on our cognitive test.
  • AP classes — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    The average person had gotten all A's and did some AP classes and got A's.
  • SAT — Concept · 1 mention

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. He wears short shorts if you dare we short shorts. N wears short shorts.

I don't get that if I'm being honest because N doesn't wear short shorts. Well, in this case, N does wear short shorts in the commercial.

I know, but it doesn't make sense. I know N can't wear shorts. Yeah. Is there like a little pair of tiny shorts on the nare bottle?

Let's think about this. If you dare wear short shorts, nare maybe they're using wear like a verb or or not a verb

like never. No, like um narew wear like that's a new term that's like you nared it which is which is no hair.

Yeah, narew wear means no hair on your head. Oh, why am I wearing headphones? Oh yeah, you just wanted to safer. We were doing armchair anonymous and then I got used to it. So that's crazy.

You still can if you want. I was like, what? You sound really loud in this fact check. I was like cuz I'm no longer hearing you in my ears the way I used to.

Exactly. We have this dist between us. You're at the distal end of this conversation.

Um, [snorts] okay. Okay. First things first, I have a huge question to ask you.

Oh my god, I love huge questions. Do you eat the skin of the baked potato? You know, I did it when I was a kid and now I love it. Especially if it's a little crispy.

So, you like cut the whole baked potato. You eat bites that have skin. I usually eat the organ meat out of it.

Okay. You eat the inside. Yeah. And then I cut up the remaining uh skin. Okay. Again, if it's crispy, I I prefer that. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes it's damp.

Yep. And then it's just like you're eating like damp bark. Yeah. You're eating um brown paper bag

that was sitting in dirt. You're eating dirt. That's why it's that color. I think they're white on their own. You scrub them, they're white.

Maybe certain ones. Not rustle. I don't think Russet. They're brown. What made you think of this? Did you have a baked potato last night?

Not last night. Did you call it a baked potato or a baked potato? I call it a baked potato.

Well, you're you're betraying your southern roots. I know. I'm treading very carefully.

Why? is you hate when I claim southernness appropriately. Yeah. Well, you don't have southern roots.

I betray I am a southerner. I You have a house in the south. I live in the south.

I will say you have a house in the south. A house in the south. House in the south. Um listen, I was at a restaurant and a baked potato was bought by Jess.

It was a twice baked, so I don't know if that guarantees crispiness, right? Should

Okay. Yeah. So I see him cut this potato. Mhm. And eat it like a um a steak. Yeah.

And I was shook. I was like mortified. What are you doing? Right. Like he was a psychopath.

Yeah. Like you are not That's not what baked potatoes are. It's to eat the That's just the vessel for the inside.

It's the wrapper. It's the wrapper. Exactly. Yeah. It's like if you ate an orange by cutting it and taking bites. It's like, "No, no, no. You're not supposed to eat that peel."

I mean, that's a little more harsh, but cuz there's no version of an orange peel tasting good. And there certainly is a version of a potato skin.

So, this is why I wanted to ask you because he he was like, "You don't eat that?" And he was like, "You don't eat potato skins?" And then that was an interesting point because I was like, "Oh, I mean I I have eaten potato skins, but not like this." Not

I love potato skins. I haven't had them in so long. I would go like this. Slice, slice slice slice slice slice slice.

You would take that. That knife is scary. [gasps] Okay. So, like, oh my god. I thought maybe sticking really cool would have been it.

You're acting willy-nilly. Listen, so I wanted to put this out there. I was like, I got to ask Dax's opinion on this. And there's a high chance that he too,

but I don't do it like him. And I think that's cool. He does it like that. He's mixing

texture. It's like fullbodied for him. It's super nuts. It It is. He's He said he mentioned the crispiness a lot. Like you have now mentioned crispiness.

It's imperative. I just I I'm just shocked. I never I have never been exposed to anyone eating the outside of the bacon. Yeah.

Ever? Yeah. That's why like No, I think when we were at Brick Tops, I want to say I took down a a baked potato and then I did eat the skin.

You did? Yeah. I think I thought that was the way you ate it. I think it is the majority of people eat it that way, but I don't think I I think that's 7030. Rob,

uh I don't eat the skin, but it wouldn't freak me out if I saw someone eat it. And so somewhere in the middle of us, which is generally his chosen safe path, I think through these minefields,

I I just didn't even know it was an option. Well, are you trying blown open? Well, are you open to trying it?

Yeah, they're good. I mean, again, potato he had a great counter. Potato skins are fantastic.

Yeah, I guess I'm open to trying it, but I too have this idea that it's a paper bag.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, now do you eat at Lil Dom's ever? Yeah. Okay. So, we we almost never eat there because I'm always freaked out that there's a line.

Oh, sure. But we happened to be in the mood to go out to eat two nights ago. We were in a rush and it was 5:30.

So, that's a great time to hit a restaurant. Side note, there were three birthdays in a row and the whole restaurant sang for all three. It was so fun. I feel like it was in Italy.

I was there on Friday, two nights ago. Tuesday. Tuesday night. So, you've eaten there. They do a whole baby potato and they're smashed and cooked. Those are incredible. And those have the skin on them.

They do. So I said I said it's not that I'm against eating the skin on a potato. I've had the red potato. You'd always eat the skin.

I've had plenty of skins on potatoes. It's specifically the baked potato. But how about a um when you eat a eat a bread bowl,

right, the soup, do you eat the bread? So cuz I think that's the best comp. I eat the a lot of the bread inside the bowl

because I the bread. You leave the husk. I do. Every now and then I'll peel off like a little bite and stick it in. But no, I'm not

I miss a bread bowl like crazy. We can get you a gluten-free one. I don't think so. Gluten-free bread in general is pretty [ __ ]

It's tough. Now, what's so interesting is like Kristen has now taken a stab at at gluten-free sourdough bread.

God bless her. She's worked very, very hard. There's been like nine or 10 batches. They're never really comparable in any way to sourdough bread.

Okay. Yet, she makes gluten-free waffles that are kind of sourdough with the starter.

Those are [ __ ] dynamite. Yeah, those might be the best gluten-free, you know alternative

in the bread space. They've also really nailed pizza. Yeah, they have figured out pizza. Yeah, sometimes I even choose gluten-free crust at Lucifer.

Thank you for calling Lucifer. It's been a long time. Can we hear about your day yesterday? Are we allowed to hear about it?

Sure. Sure. My first filming day in I think five and a half years. Yeah. How was it?

Well, it was great in that I accomplished my goal. Okay. Which is in the morning when I meditated. I really was really thoughtful and mindful. I was like, I just want to go today and not have any power struggles. I want to be a joy to be around and I want to service the director and in this case the star.

Yeah. And the project and um and I did that good and I felt really good about it

cuz I filmed my cockals coming. It was like 6:30. I got to be on set at 6:30. I was like that feels early. And I look at the call time. It's like 8. Why am I there an hour? And I was like, "And shut the [ __ ] up and show up at 6:30." And then I went into the wardrobe fitting.

Yeah. And um the costumeumer was an armchair. A which made me so happy right away. That was lovely. And then I had a a I forget how fun it is to order breakfast on set.

That is fun. What'd you order? Um I they I said, "Do they have gluten-free bread?" Ding, ding, ding.

Waffles? No. Do you have I said, "Do you have gluten-free waffles with a sourdough starter

that my wife makes?" And uh they did. And then so I had a a fried egg sandwich with bacon and cheese and mayonnaise. It was [ __ ] outrageous.

And I ended up going with my gold tooth. You know, I had two different options, a grill. A grill and gold tooth. I went with the gold tooth. People liked that. That was great.

Great. And I see you're not wearing it right now. I'm not. Well, now then I've now I'm in a tricky sitch.

Oh. which is now that tooth is for that. Uhuh. So now I don't want to be all around town and on the show and stuff and you see it non-stop and then when you see that it's not like a oh that that's a thing. So I kind of I [ __ ] that up until the whole project's over.

Okay. Which is the long time from now like I think March. Okay. Interesting. So I do want to say that I did notice in a recent edit, this edit actually, you were touching it a lot. Yeah, I did not touch it at all in my scene.

No, I know that. I'm just saying I think like maybe subconsciously. Oh, yeah, of course. Because there's something weird in your mouth.

Yeah. And I was like, "All right, can it all?" Yeah. You're just like checking it.

It always feels like it could be popped in just a tiny a hair more. Right. This is what And if you watch Parenthood, it's a mess. Like you Oh, no. Not Parenthood. Little bit there and then bless this mess. Since I've never worn a wedding ring in real life, when I have a wedding ring on, I just touch it nonstop. I can't not because it's this foreign thing. It's so clear I'm not used to having a ring. That's why I'm a bad actor.

You'll see some of my bad acting when I just come out when you have rings. But in my defense, I do see some guys playing with their wedding ring a lot. It is a thing. It's a fidget spinner.

I do think when they first get it, there's a lot of that. I do think over time it becomes second skin.

You know what's great about Aaron? He's pretty clever. What? He gets 10 packs. His wedding ring has these like rubber rings.

Oh. And he like knows he's going to lose them and he plays with them and just he has a bunch of He has a ton of wedding rings on his nightstand.

That doesn't sound like a wedding ring. That just sounds like a regular ring. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. Okay, that brings us to something fun. Um, and this is maybe unethical.

Uh, oh, okay. If it goes sideways, I guess by the time this comes out, we'll know.

Okay. So, I very much want Christmas lights down in Nashville. Oh, yeah. I want it to be like a spectacle.

Yeah. And um I got a bid and it was it was insane. It was offensive. Yeah, it was I can't help but be offended. cannot imagine that was the price that non-acctors would have received.

Okay. You think it's personal? I do. I do. I do. Um I'm like, what is this place going to be like the North Pole for this price?

That's what you want. Let's just put it this way. I said, well, [ __ ] I'm sure for three grand Aaron would be happy to go down there for a week and string lights up.

So, it was three grand. Oh, no. It was 30 17,000 to put I was like, are you [ __ ] kidding? That's offensive.

Yeah, I I don't know that. In my mind, I'm going to overpay Aaron three grand to do it. Like, let's just put it this way. I said to Aaron, "Hey, you want to go decorate the house for three grand?" He's like, "Fuck yes." I'd have to drive Uber for, you know, two weeks or three weeks or whatever.

Hold on. Let's not just I'm serious. Oh, man. You keep doing this. This is what This is what happened on race to 270. You end up cost me four times what I said the prize money would be. deserve what they deserve.

Well, there's two. Okay. There's a lot of issues. You're saying five because the bid was 17.

I'm not actually. I'm not actually. Okay. I think that's actually a hard job. I think that's a

I don't think so. I've strung Christmas lights on my houses for the last I'll, you know, do it here.

I know. But you get like about it. It's a day at best. It's a day. So, anyone in America is making three grand for the day. I think that's a damn good [ __ ] way.

We are making way more than Don't talk about what I make. We're talking about that. This is a very

I'm just saying if we're gonna use that as like a daily I can't believe I'm getting shamed into five grand for a day of hanging lights. Also, he's going to be hanging in Nashville driving my [ __ ] around having a blast. Motorcycles. It's a fun time.

I need you to separate. Very excited. Okay, I'm I guess I'll pay him the extra two

now. It did. I am. So I I was like, "Hey, do you want to do you want to go down to Nashville and do this for three grand?" He was like, "Absolutely." You know, let me find a couple days and all. So, and then a flight. I had to buy plane.

Listen, that's not part of it. That's not part of it. It's his It's his work. You're going to have me up to like 18 grand all in. I should just hired the professional company there. Probably look a lot better.

Well, that's the thing. How good is it going to look? I I have very low expectations. I want to be colorful. If he overdelivers, great. But I'm not expecting him to do a great job.

He has to get on ladders and stuff like There we're at There we are. You're at the You're at the heart of the issue. Yeah. Now, let's go back in time. Aaron was a roofer for 15 years.

He lived on a 30-foot ladder. Yeah. So, if there's any guy for the job in that department, it is Aaron. He's lived on a ladder.

Um, I'll poke a hole in that in a minute. You're I'm going to get you there. I'm going to poke the same.

Okay, great. So, I'm just like He said yes. I've said great. I've bought a plane ticket and a couple days goes by and I'm just like if he falls like if he

I know we had such a laugh about this. I called him. I facetimed him. I'm like I'm starting to get a little worried that you're going to fall off a ladder and die while you're put and I I don't want Christmas lights that bad.

So please like if you got to rent a bucket or whatever. He's like I think I you know like the little machine you drive and it's got an arm on it. You sit in the bucket and it's got a remote control. He's like, "I'm way more afraid to be driving a bucket around through your yard and [ __ ] tipping the thing over on the sidewalk or some shit." And I'm like, "That's kind of a good point."

But we were saying, we had such a laugh. We were saying that at the eulogy, I I would be giving the eulogy. That's okay. This is our sense of humor.

I know, but I don't want I said at the eulogy, I would say some people have suggested that I may have saved Aaron's life by sending them to treatment. I don't know about that, but what I know for sure is that I have killed Aaron Weekly. killed my best friend cuz I wanted Christmas lights.

So listen, we had a long talk and I'm like "Look it looks dicey. I don't give a [ __ ] They don't have to be up that height." And then we were joking. What if he just put them all on bottom bottom be the first step? We just go there. They're all laying around the bottom of like they just like the pants fell down of the decorations.

But we had a long talk and we had uh we have some safety measures in in place. I don't want him to go

I want him to wear a life alert medi alert bracelet so if he does fall off the letter he can hit a button.

I don't like it. Oh my god. He can handle decorating a house. He's very competent.

He's extremely competent. But look. Do you think I could go decorate the house? Would you be worried about me?

I don't like that either. I don't I wish I would like you to farm this out to a professional because that house is big and there are a lot of houses. It's huge. I'm not doing that. It's a huge house and it has it has high areas.

One high area. Also, is it going to be on the boat area? What's that called? The dog.

The dog. Yeah. No, I'm not going to have him decorate the dog. Well, that's cute. I bet the other people would do that.

Well, another side note to this is I don't want him to have to go get all of the um lights.

Yeah. So, I have been ordering lights ahead of time that are getting delivered there.

Sure. So, I ordered a ton of lights. So, is this is the original bid that thing? Did that come with the lights?

I should hope so, right? I assume it does. I would hope so. Um, but again, I went for broke. You can't spend $1,000 on lights. Your whole place, they're they're so cheap,

right? So, anyways, I ordered like 11 strands, probably probably like 1,200 ft of this one kind,

okay, that Kristen liked cuz you can make you can change the colors. And then I was like, I want those kind that like rain down.

You like icicles. Yeah. And they're not because there are icicles that are like hard plastic. These are like little ropey, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're right. Aaron calls them that, too.

Yeah. That wasn't the name on Amazon. But anyways, I had already ordered all these ones. And then I changed my mind.

Oh. And I'm like, well, he's got to decorate trees and [ __ ] too, if he if he wants. He's like, he's going for a week. It's like a

Yes. Okay. So I then ordered like 1300 I ordered a quarter mile of the kind that I like

the icicles. Yes, the icicles. Okay. There are so many when he arrives there's going to be so I bet it'll take him one day to unwind all the lights.

You're more to my point. This this job has gotten enormous. Okay, I'll give him five grand.

Okay. Also should never brought this up. A $2,000 mistake. Listen. Yeah. Uh, just because he was a roofer,

Yeah. doesn't mean he's still capable in the same way. Because listen, I just went to play Maong at Anthony and Allison's house

and they have a young daughter. She was excited to show me she's been working on splits and she wanted to do a split contest. And

that's part of Maine. No, the daughter. No, but with splits. Splits. Oh, do the physical splits.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just like we're hanging out with the kids before we play majouncing around from topic to topic. He was like ma

was it clear Rob? No. Yes it was. God he Okay. So you know she's like yay Monica's here and then and I made that part up but like in her head she was [clears throat]

OH MY GOD MY ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE. MONICA'S HERE. They do get excited when friends are over. that wish on that falling star worked.

So Alison told her daughter, "You know, Monica is going to really love seeing your splits because she used to do splits all the time and she was a cheerleader." She was really bragging about me, you know,

of course building you up. Yes. You're a legend now. And they were all very impressed by this.

Yeah. Yeah. And I and and she was like, "Can I see?" And I was like, well, first of all, I'm not in the right attire. And second of all, I can't do them anymore. Not even close.

Right. You got to maintain that. Just because I was once a huge professional Mhm.

doesn't mean I can still perform in the same way. Okay. Counterpoint. Are you ready for it?

Yeah. When Aaron was a roofer, he had two bundles on his shoulders all the time. He was a drunk. He was smoking cigarettes while he climbed the ladder. Yeah,

he was hung over or even drunk. Yeah. And uh he was heavier. So, in many ways, you'd be more safe to assume he'll be much better on the ladder now than he's ever been.

No, but he's not in the routine of doing it. It's It's I've had him run drills. He's been climbing the ladder all week.

No, you haven't. I leave that up to him. Look, here's here's what At the end of the day, I would trust myself to put the lights up, and I have the same faith in him that I have in myself. Can he wear a helmet?

Oh my god. Please, can you wear I was thinking I wish there was a way for him to tie in.

Yeah. You know, like some climbing gear. I know. I'll give him $500 extra if he wears a helmet.

Well, text him. Tell him that. Or I'll Yeah. Well, I'll text him. I need So I need Yeah,

this is getting crazy. What if he goes, "I'm just not coming. This is You guys have now scared me." He's like, I was just going to go hang lights, which I do have my He already did his own house this year.

I'll give him $50 for football pads. Okay. Get the arm chairs involved and see if they'll sponsor. But he's like he looks like he's a goalie for a hockey team and he just falls off the ladder cuz he's got too much [ __ ] on safety glasses and [ __ ] gloves.

I mean, the numbers really getting up there. I think it's I'm happy for that. Yeah. So, that's what's um that's what's brewing.

Are you going to do this house? It's done. Isn't it under? So, you aren't doing it.

No, we Kristen did hire someone. Exactly. You didn't put lights up here. So, we don't know if you're still capable

this year. I did this year. That's what I mean. This year this year, you're both 50. Things change.

We're both in better shape though than we It's nothing to do with that. It's equilibrium.

Well, mine's great cuz I do so many, you know, I do my bicycling. But Aaron doesn't. He plays pickle ball all day long. He's as agile and and and his is his his balance is

Okay, I'm going to give you $3,000 to not have Aaron. This is getting very complex.

We're going to have to bring an accountant in. And someone's already mad at me, rightly so. Someone's already in their car going, "You're going to spend three grand on your [ __ ] Christmas lights."

I know. Like I that's what I make in a month. So already I know. And that's understandable.

Yes, that's understandable. Absolutely. That made me excited for Christmas. I love that. Now, I have another question for you real quick.

Okay. You know how I had two twice I've had these pierced ear infections that had turned rancid?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Both times. Yeah. Do you think I could try it on the other ear? cuz they were both on this ear and maybe this ear just has the sensitivity.

You're going to hate this answer. But if you do it and your ear falls off, I'm simply not going to feel bad for you because you have been taught this lesson twice painfully and if you have to learn it a third time.

How many rock bottoms did you have? Okay, but no one was in support of it. No one was like encouraging me to hit another bottom.

But we're compassionate. Okay, so you you uh if you have one ear. Yeah, you better.

Thank god it'll be the right side that you're not getting shot on. No, this one it would be it falling off,

right? And you're the camera's here. Oh. Oh. Oh, sure. If you're picking an ear to lose, that is the correct ear to lose.

And you can shave that side of your head too. Oh, and then it's just smooth. The whole thing's so smooth. There's

a whole ear hole. Shave sides in an ear hole. Okay. So, you think no. I think no. I think I think you learned your I think your ears said to you, "Hey, Monica, we don't want these up there."

I know. But you're So you think it's going to change the whole day. I do. Can't you do like clampy ones?

Yeah. So, this is the problem. So, I have a cuff. [clears throat] Cuff we call it.

We call it a cuff. But all the cuff I keep buying cuffs. If you dare wear ear cuffs, cuffs wear ear hairs.

So, I I keep buying cuffs. Okay. And they're all my ears small. Yeah. So they're always a little too big and so they're fall. They're not sitting where they need to sit on my ear.

You pinch them. I try. It's they're nice cuffs. Like you can't You use pliers. Pliers.

Monica. Here's what you do. You get pliers. But before you get to pinching Yeah.

Put some duct tape on the inside of both the pliers so that they don't leave creases or marks on your earrings. So, just put tape around the pliers and then just give him a pinch.

I don't know how to You don't know how to operate pliers. They're just like scissors.

Activity. Pay Aaron three grand. He'll come and I will. I will. I'll trust him to do that.

Um, Aaron's going to be so rich at the end of this. I know. So, no, I have tried and like some of them do squeeze, but then it still opens up and then it slides and I'm pissed and

yeah, you know, I'm I'm meant to have some in there permanently for my look. You know, my look is meant for it.

Okay. But my ears are saying no. What if you put a little little piece of two-sided tape on the inside of the cuff

so that it sticks? Yeah. Sounds cumbersome. It sounds uncomf. couldn't get irritated as well.

Yeah. And I do think like, okay, so I have two I have, you know, two piercings here and I have two ears currently.

Um, and I have had two piercings for a long time and then I have a third piercing

and the other day I put three earrings on one side and I could not get the uh earring into the third hole on my right side. It would. You didn't try hard enough?

No, I did. Cuz Lincoln puts the earring in my ear and that hole was closed for 25 years.

Yeah, but I don't know what to tell you. You want her to put it in? Sure. I only for her cuz she's a minor.

You can try it. Um, no. I can tell like on this side I was basically re I was reiercing it

and it whatever. That was fine. And then I was trying so hard to reierce on this side, but I think because the hole's a little close to the edge, it was not working.

And that's fine, you know, whatever. And then that night I took out all the piercings and and other than just my original piercing. Everything was so inflamed.

Money. You can't you can't it's not an option for you. You have a lot of gifts and of course you're going to have some not gifts. And in this case it's that you don't have that freedom to

I'm not willing to live a life where I can't have two. Well, then you're just going to be impusted and inflamed and in and

I know. Okay. I'm just telling you like you're just warning me. Yeah. That if you see some goo like I'm choosing that.

Yeah. Okay. But you're saying no to the piercings. Okay. Yeah. That's just my vote. I mean, watching the middle.

You better not. You should do it. Okay. Natalie has ear issues with her piercings, too. So,

and you you enjoy dealing with those? I know not to talk about it. Talk about it.

Farmer is wiser than me. He's more like a 70-year-old grandpa. He learned to shut the [ __ ] up better than me.

But you also, to be fair, have had to cut the earrings out. Yeah. Which I like.

Yeah. You enjoy that. So, I'm kind of surprised. I'm actually working against my own self-interest here because it denies me the chance to be a hero.

You love performing surgery. I mean, a hero. Hero. Yeah. Do you need me to nare anything? Oh, I'm good.

Your arms or anything? Oh, I do. Okay. Do you want me to narrow your naring? But I am gonna do a laser hair.

Okay. On that hair. I hair on my bum. All right. Well, I guess let's do some facts. I have other things to say, but we'll be back.

We'll be back. All right. Now, we start the episode off by talking about pumpkin spice.

Oh, sure. And I'm here to tell you what's in pumpkin spice. Okay. Perfume. Nope.

Okay. typically includes cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, allspice, and cloves. Delicious.

Okay, but Monty, don't you think that's the taste that you're tasting? I don't think pumpkin is real. I don't think it's in the mix. I think what you're tasting is like that combination of those very unique flavors we've labeled pumpkin flavor. I don't think that's real.

The name can be misleading as it does not contain pumpkin itself. Oh wow. I didn't even That was the last

commonly used to flavor pumpkin based desserts and drinks. I think that's what everyone thinks pumpkin tastes like.

If you just take the inside of a pumpkin, you add that those spices in. What you're tasting and what you come back for.

Yeah. is that the the the pumpkin is just like a a vehicle and I'd argue a poor one for delivering this incredible alchemy of tastes.

Wow. And perfumes. But you know, it's a little like rest assured, there's no pumpkin in your pumpkin spice latte.

There's pumpkin spice. But that's not There's no pumpkin in it. You're right. Yeah, that was a cute mashup.

Oh, yeah. Pumpkin. There was a pumpkin. A little baby. A CC little baby. She looks so cute.

She had a radical mohawk. Yeah, cuz her dad's a hair stylist, so he did her hair perfect. And it Oh my god, was she cute.

It's outrageous. Um Okay. Okay. But so when you buy pumpkin spice, the little container that says pumpkin spice, this is what you're getting.

You're Yeah. You're not getting any pumpkin. And you could have called it carboncle spice.

No. You know what they should call it? And actually, this is appropriation. I'm gonna say it. Ow. Head.

Oh. Oh. What's in there? Some sort of scab. Oh, scabby. Um, from your hair top,

maybe. Let's hope. Too damp. Too much moisture. Um, I just pictured your room at night like tropical when you're wearing your hair.

Oh my towel. Cuz like it just keeps all that moisture in your hair and it somehow makes the whole room tropical.

I don't sleep in it. Oh, you don't? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. I just What do you do? You just dry your hair with it?

No. After the shower, I tie it up, put it in its towel, and I like, you know, bop around for a while.

Uh, hours. Like an hour. Okay. Okay. And then sometimes only 15 minutes. Okay. And then I take it out and then I sleep on a silk pillowcase that night.

Oh, only that night. Yeah. Cuz why? If I if it's wet hair, I sleep with a silk pillowcase because I cuz silk pillowcases are notoriously better for your hair. I don't really necessarily think that.

Might be a pumpkin spice latte thing. Yeah, it might be misleading. Mhm. Um but I buy in when I'm trying to have that hair the next day.

Yeah. Yeah. You might as well do it. It's not going to make it worse. Exactly. Yeah.

Okay. Appropriation because these are all the things in chai. Ahu. Uhhuh. So I feel a little like

just different doses. Yeah. Dosages of those things. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's a grievance. I I'll tell you, I guess if you're if you're talking about appropriation to chai, then yes, I think you have a

an argument. If you're saying appropriating the pumpkin, because there's really no pumpkin, but they're coasting on people's

I'm saying pumpkin spice is appropriating. I got you. I got you. Cuz I was going to say then, well, they're kind of lifting the image of the pumpkin.

Sure. The pumpkin is winning. Yeah, the pumpkin's a big dumb ugly No, it's I love them. But you got to acknowledge they're I love them.

They're not uniform. They're always dented. They always look like they have a tumor somewhere on them.

Yeah. That not the ones I pick. They're an ugly offering. And they're enormous. They have elephantitis.

O yuck. Yuck. Okay. How many tributaries flow into the Amazon? Oh god, there's got to be thousands. 1,100 tributaries with 17 of them being longer than 1,500 km 930 m.

Whoa. Okay. Is Manasset the name of a Native American tribe? That was his guess,

right? Or that [clears throat] it was a Native American word. Yeah. And he's right. Manhasset is named after the Native American word Manhanset, which means island neighborhood. This name comes from a tribe of Native Americans who lived in the area before European settlement and used the nearby bay for fishing and shell fishing.

So then he was right in that Manhattan is also I think you added Manhattan in there maybe and it all sounds right.

He's smarter than me. He was smart. He was very smart. Is Manhasset exit 36 off Long Island? No, he's not smart.

Thank God. Exit 36 on the Long Island Expressway is for Singerton Road. Manhasset is served by nearby exits such as exit 32 for Little Neck Parkway, which is west of Manhasset and further east exits that lead into the area.

The Lie, isn't that what people say? Probably. Okay. How many people are descendants of Charlemagne?

Okay. Okay. It's estimated that nearly everyone in Europe is descended from Charlemagne.

What? And therefore related to him and each other. This is because Charlemagne had at least 20 children who established royal lines. And due to the large number of people in Europe, genealogies fold in on themselves, making it statistically certain that nearly all Europeans share common ancestors like Charlemagne.

Whoa. Whoa. It's not that he [ __ ] as much as Gangaskhan. Doesn't seem like that because now I looked up Genghask Khan.

He had thousands of children. An estimated 16 million people are direct mail male line descendants of Genghask Khan.

Direct, which is about.5% of the world's males population. [snorts] Wow. This figure is based on studies of the Y chromosome, which is passed from father to son. Millions of other people are likely descended from him through female ancestors, but this cannot be traced genetically using the same method.

So, it's double. It's not like he had only had male offspring. I'm sure he had fitty fitty.

It's insane. Yeah. Do you think I am a descendant of him? No, I don't. Do you think I'm a descendant of Charlemagne?

Nope. I think you're a descendant of Sid Arthur. I'm more likely a descendant of Genghask Khan than Charlemagne. If we had to pick

on its what do they say? Premmaia. What is it? Yeah. Uh perma. Primmaacia. Dubner said that multiple times.

Primmaaccia. Yeah. On the surface that makes sense. But uh they both had empires and I don't know which one spread closer to India or not. Even though I did read the Genghaskhan book which was great.

Maybe I'm a descendant of both Charlemagne and Genghaskhan. Oh, double whammy. Um, secondhand smoke rates. I looked that up for fun. Nothing related to the episode.

Oh, I'm just kidding. Okay, I'm kidding. It came up. According to the CDC, secondhand smoke is responsible for an estimated 41,000 deaths per year in the United States. This includes 7,300 deaths from lung cancer, 33,900 deaths from heart disease, and 400 deaths from sudden infant death syndrome. Yeah, no one likes that last one. That's from living people who live with a smoker, I guess.

Yeah. You shouldn't have to do the time if you don't do the crime. I know. It's sad.

I was uh inundated with secondhand smoke in my childhood. I know. Cuz my father smoked in the car with the windows up. Then my grandparents smoked and I was with them a ton. They both smoked.

How long did your dad smoke? Till the end of his life. He quit smoking I want to say 10 years before he died.

Okay. So, mostly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and really voluous levels of he would go through these phases like I remember my mom telling me this time when they were newly married and he had started this company selling doortodoor mini bikes and he was like he was all in.

Yeah. And then the company collapsed and they couldn't deliver orders and like he was done. He didn't know what he was going to do. And she said that he sat

in a lazy boy for like two months straight all day long every day and just chain smoked cigarettes. smoked like five packs a day

and then one day woke up and took a shower and put a suit on and went and got a job somewhere else.

Uh but he'd have these Yeah. even when he was uh healthy and sober, he still smoked like

two and a half packs or more a day. That's a lot. As you know, my dad stopped smoking for me.

How How long did he smoke? Smoked a long time cuz in India they smoke a lot. Four years old you started. He started as a baby boy and then

they do in Papa New Guinea. Probably not anymore, but as recently as like 15 years ago,

kids, they wean children from breastfeeding with cigarettes. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

And no lung cancer. Wow. Really? Yeah. Well, on the ethnographies where they did chest x-rays,

there was no lung cancer. That's strange. That's what all these people build their theory on that like it's really the chemicals that are in the American cigarettes, but I I don't agree with that. But that's

where it comes from. Huh. But yeah. Yeah, he smoked a lot and then he he had to quit for his little girl. No pit stops.

Yeah, no pit stops. But uh it took him a couple a couple tries. Yeah. Does he desire it ever? Does he like see it in a movie ever? I kind of want to bang a dart with a joke.

No. Come on. When he's 80 and he's not going to He doesn't want to anymore. No pit stop.

Him and I sitting out on the porch of either his southern home or my southern home banging some camel lights just reminiscing. I think he has like what you have with drinking. Like there's nothing about it that

he doesn't even think about it. Yeah. He switched to to to get off of it. He switched to a pipe.

That's silly. And then he had to get back on he missed it. He had to get back on it. Yeah. No, but I think he got back on the pipe or something and then

then he was done. And you know when we say on the pipe generally in the 80s we're talking about the crack cocaine party.

No, this wasn't like that. Okay. It's just weird for you to say my dad got back on the pipe.

He talks he sometimes talks about his pipe. Okay. Now, UNC, speaking of Southern Homes, um UNC is an incredibly hard school to get in out of state.

Is it? Yes. And I my one of my best friends went there and it was like a big deal.

Sure. Out of state students make up no more than 18% of the first year undergraduate class at UNC Chapel Hill due to its UNCC system policy. M

and then I thought this is interesting. I wanted to look up hardest. Okay. United States public colleges ranked by lowest acceptance rate. But I wanted public colleges.

Okay. I like this. I like this a lot. Fingers crossed. What do you Well, I feel like Berkeley is going to be very high on that list.

And that's what you want? Yeah. I want all the UC's to be high on the list. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, congratulations. UCLA is number one. OH, WOW. I DID NOT see this coming. This

This is a big I'm proud of you for read. If I were you, I would have saw that and be like, I didn't even see that. I'm going to keep going.

I I am a woman of integrity. Number one in the whole country. 9%. Whoa. And but we're out of

Oh, so they've passed Berkeley cuz when I went there it was Berkeley then UCLA.

Yeah. Uh out of state it's not really [ __ ] hard. Yeah. Um, number two is the Naval Academy.

Okay. I'm kind of surprised they count that, but sure. All right. Um, let's throw that out. That's bad.

I don't count that. Berkeley. Number two. Next. Okay. Number two. Then we got Air Force Academy. I also don't

No. Okay. So, what's number three? Then we got Military Academy. No. Okay. Although, we want to say to our uh men and women in the service, obviously, this is very important and we're and we're grateful that so hard.

This is not what we're meaning. state colleges in the civilian world. So, we got we got UCLA.

So far, all we got is UCLA and Berkeley. And Berkeley. And guess what number three is?

Well, you're smiling so big as if it's UG, but I can't possibly be I I would say it's U of M.

No, it's not. No, it's Georgia Tech. Georgia Tech. Okay. So, you're feeling some pride.

Yeah, cuz my dad went to Georgia Tech. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, then just to remind people, you did you went to UG, right? You

Oh my god. This weekend I got the cutest vintage Georgia Bulldog shirt. Oh, you did.

It's so cute. I love it. I can't wait to wear it. Okay. Then we got UVA, University of Virginia.

Okay. Then we got University of Michigan. Oh boy. So number five or six once we dump all those [ __ ] militarymies.

Okay. If we're not counting military, we have we have UCLA. Let's just remember the list. UCLA, Berkeley, Georgia Tech, UVA, U of M,

Michigan, number five. Okay. Uh and then UNCC Chapel Hill. Okay. Well, this is a this is a good day for me.

I also don't necessarily trust this because I am absolutely not on board with the next few.

Well, really quick, what's the percentage at U of M and number five? If UCLA was 9% 18, so D twice as hard.

We got some more UC's a little further. You know, this would this would guide my decision on what college I wanted to work at in the admissions department. I would not want to work at UCLA. So, it means you have to sift through

oh, tens of thousands of applications to get down to your 9%. That's too much work. I want to go to a place with like a 78% acceptance rate.

Okay. So that I'm only reading an extra 30ome%. How did you even get into that school if this is the way you think?

I know. A a corner cutter. A short cutter. Yeah. Yeah. UG is on this list. It's on the second page.

Okay. What number is it? It's not It's not Oh, we didn't get a number. We also threw out some other numbers.

Did they just list all the state? No. Okay. a lot more. Okay. Okay. Okay. There's five pages.

Is is is Penn not a public? Penn is private. I think University of Pennsylvania. No.

Private. It's private. That's why it's so expensive. And like Wharton. Okay. H Wharton.

Anyway, that was interesting. Wow. Okay. I feel really good now. That was that felt really good.

Okay. I I'm like I just really res I want to be I You're making it so hard. You're making it so hard cuz you are you were a California resident.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just want to Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I just want to [clears throat] say that. Yeah. Yeah. And you were a Georgia resident.

I regret, you know, only because of this. I deeply regret not applying to some other schools.

Yeah. I only did the one. Yeah. the joy you'd feel right now if you go like, "Well, I turned down you, CLA,

out of state." Yeah. Yeah. I don't know though if that would have How [screaming] dare you.

Well, Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica, we have the exact same IQ to the point. No. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm going to let that one just go away.

Um, you want to get into that one? I don't know that I have a higher or lower IQ than you. Mhm.

But what I maintain is that that wasn't an IQ test. That that's just I'm okay. Okay. Our co on our cognitive test on our cognitive test.

Yes. To the point. Yes. Tenth of a point. You can you can be smarter than me. I

I'm not saying I am. I'm just saying it was an IQ test. Okay. Then what was the other thing I was upset about? You made a lot of inflammatory statements. Really

BCLA. Oh, I do know. Okay. Let's hear it. It only and it only got worse. Okay. We would I can answer if you would got in or not because I know what the starting GPA was for freshman

at UCLA. You mean entering freshman? Yes. Okay. I recall that you did have a 4.0, right?

I graduated from Georgia with a not your high school. High school. I didn't have a 40.

You didn't have a 40? No. Okay, great. And so and nor did I. Yeah. But the starting average grade point for a freshman was 4.08.

Yeah. The average person had gotten all A's and did some AP classes and got A's.

Actually, I would I need to go back. I I need to know what my GPA was because I did get I was in a lot of AP classes, so I got a lot of bonus.

Sure. So, I don't really remember, but let's just say let's That's a big thing to assume. That's That means you never ever got a B.

No, I got I got B. Yeah. Yeah. I did not do well in um physics. Okay. Or chemistry.

Okay. I mean, and when I say did not do well, that means B. I never got below a B in anything.

Right. And Jim, how'd you do in gym? I did great. I am a great athlete. Okay. Okay.

I did like 45 pull-ups. Oh, wow. I was so light back then. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I think those were the B's. Physics and chemistry.

Okay. Which is incredible, but I do think it would have ruled you out for admission.

I don't know about that because um you're not ready to admit that. Yeah, I it was probably the average entrance. So, some people got in under that.

And conversely, many people had 4.2s. Yeah. But some people had 3.8s. Yeah. if they had a 2,000 on their SAT or whatever the hell

such thing see 1,800 1600 1,600 okay which I also did not have right okay okay so

but you know what I think my essay would have really been compelling I tell myself that my essay is what got me in

and and I would have got a diversity bump okay now we're talking you got a little little

diversity bump both as an Indian person. Anna's a southern girl. No, you don't get that.

Yeah, you get that. They're not trying to Yeah, they want that. Make sure the people from the south.

I [snorts] think they want that. Okay. Um maybe southern Indian like Carol, but not southern.

I'm working on with two. You think you have? Okay. Um now Alexander technique. He talked about teacher like a very prominent Alexander technique teacher at UC, excuse me, at NYU. Uh, not on the list because that is a private school.

Mhm. And you can get in with like a 2.3, I think. And the 400 on your SAT. And I I I think it might be Mona Styles because she taught the Alexander technique for decades before her passing in 2020 at the graduate acting program at NYU. I do think he said he. So, you know I'm

I feel like he said he as well. He did. It might be. It might be. We don't need to know. It might be. We don't need to do that.

We don't deal in hypotheticals here. Yeah. Tom Stopppard is Czecha Slovakian. He got that right.

Great. And I guess I should read a Tom Stoppard play. Great plays. I wonder when you when you come over to my new house. Yeah. if you'll be impressed by how smart I am because um I have like so many plays.

Oh wow. Yeah. That I read and studied and you can flip through them and you can see my notes and

they'll be on display in your new house. Yeah. Right now they're like behind the couch. They're hard to see,

but in my house you're going to be able to see them better and I think you're going to have a whole new opinion on whether or not I could get into UCLA.

Okay. All right. TVD. Okay. Um Oh, I can't believe you was number one. That really went my way. That's like a real blessing.

You went to that school. Yeah. As an instate resident. I mean, even worse, you want to keep piling on as a transfer student, which is also

I decided not to say that. Okay. You felt like that was picking punching down. I feel like that was a little too much.

Yeah, that's punching down. Well, that's it. All right, Billy. Well, that was lovely.

Uncle baby Billy. Not Uncle Baby Billy, but you know, Billy Crudup. Billy. Uncle baby Billy Crude. All right. Love you.

Love you.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Short Shorts, Billy Crudup, Piercing the Veil | Fact Check for Billy Crudup"?

In order: 0:00 Armchair Anonymous, Brick Tops, Santa Monica; 5:00 Kristen, Lil Dom's; 10:00 Nashville; 15:00 Dale Allison, Kristen, Santa Monica; 20:00 Santa Monica, Kristen; 25:00 Pumpkin spice, Pumpkin spice latte; 30:00 Charles the Great (Charlemagne), Manhasset, Pumpkin spice, Long Island Expressway; 35:00 Charles the Great (Charlemagne), UNC Chapel Hill; 40:00 Cognitive test, IQ test, Santa Monica, University of Michigan; 45:00 Alexander Technique, AP classes, Mona Styles, Tom Stoppard.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

35 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Santa Monica, Pumpkin spice, Charles the Great (Charlemagne), Kristen, Nashville, Pumpkin spice latte. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Short Shorts, Billy Crudup, Piercing the Veil | Fact Check for Billy Crudup"?

The episode runs 50 min; the transcript is about 9,995 words in 345 timestamped sections.

More from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated November 21, 2025.