Transcript

Spoilers, Torture + New Godzilla | Greg Fitzsimmons + Mike Gibbons | Something’s Burning | S6 E21

From Bert Kreischer · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 52 min · 23,151 words · 480 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Spoilers, Torture + New Godzilla | Greg Fitzsimmons + Mike Gibbons | Something’s Burning | S6 E21", an episode of Bert Kreischer published January 14, 2026 (1 h 52 min, about 23,151 words). It mentions 10 people, works and ideas, including Frankenstein, Gandhi, DraftKings, Dollywood, Harry Potter.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Harry Potter
  2. – 30:00: Frankenstein
  3. – 40:00: Frankenstein, DraftKings, Paul Dano
  4. – 50:00: Eyes Wide Shut, The Usual Suspects
  5. – 1:00:00: Dollywood
  6. – 1:20:00: Gandhi

Notable quotes from "Spoilers, Torture + New Godzilla | Greg Fitzsimmons + Mike Gibbons | Something’s Burning | S6 E21"

  • Mayweather, I'll donate a million dollars to any charity you want if you can read one page of Harry Potter with no mess ups.
    about Harry Potter · at
  • The story. I need action. I need to tell me I'm telling you, man. I'm watching I watched Frankenstein the other night, right?
    about Frankenstein · at
  • Thanks to DraftKings Sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. Love the thrill of live betting? DraftKings has got you covered. bet live on star player props and in progress games right as they.
    about DraftKings · at
  • I swear to God my wife says this. Paul Dano. I was That's interesting.
    about Paul Dano · at
  • Like I mean it's just every movie is 2 hour and 45 minutes. Did you hear eyes wide shut had 48 minutes taken out of it and they're saying that in it the reason they took it out was because you know Cubri is a lot of conspiracy.
    about Eyes Wide Shut · at
  • Blair and Hutch are on the couch and we're walking out and it's the very end of The Usual Suspects where he goes there. The black guy and the other guy are sitting in the agent…
    about The Usual Suspects · at
  • And I don't I mean I think Dollywood was Dollycentric. Is that the reason a lot of people came? First of all, you're talking to a theme park part expert. I have no more knowledge about theme parks.
    about Dollywood · at
  • I'm admitting too much here. But I go I'm Oh, I'll go. And it was Gandhi and Gandhi had like just been out in theaters and stuff. And so I'm Oh, I'll go that. So I'm I'll see…
    about Gandhi · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Books & papers

Companies & orgs

Full transcript with timestamps

podcast listeners or or YouTube I don't know whatever this is anymore they go who is this I don't know this person yeah and I feel like I at the very beginning I should put I should we should do a freeze frame and put your names and then list everything you guys have done

you want to cut this and put it up front sure so I'll start talking then I'll freeze as if it's you really froze it and you'll put it under me so when I got my start

and then the thing that ended it for me. Just right. Palen. Palen. Get some food. Oh, what do we got today?

Oh, we're doing pork belly. It's always healthy here. We're doing pork belly. Yeah.

We got some Asian inspired rice. Isn't all rice Asian inspired. Okay. And then and then [snorts] uh Brussels sprouts.

Okay. Are we rolling already? Oh, we're rolling. Am I Am I allowed to tell the story? You can cut this out if you want.

Wait, hold on. Hang on. Let me Let me beat this first. Who are you thinking about right now?

Can I tell you a secret? I'm alone. It looks like secret time. Chef. Wait, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you a secret after cuz I can't say it now cuz there's too many people listening.

Yes. I don't know if I can tell us, but we were doing the cabin and you had to go. Maybe it was for insurance or something like that, but we were doing the cabin for Netflix and then you had a doctor's appointment. You came back and you're like, "Oh, man. They're all the same." And I'm like, "What are they all? What do you mean they're all the same?" He's like, "Well, it's like I, you know," he looks at all my stuff and he's like, "Listen, you just have to do one thing." He's like, and you're like, "Don't say it." He's like, "Just drink less." He's like, "Wrong." And that was, you're like, "Wrong. I'm here to find the workaround. What's the workaround? Cuz that's fixed."

Yeah. It was hysterical. Is can I tell you what is exhausting is they've got all these guys

that are so dialed into science. They have podcasts about science, about longevity, but none of them are telling us who live normally how to live longer. They're like, "Hey, this is what you got to do. Get up at 4 in the morning, okay? Get in the sauna. Then you're going to cold plunge. You're going to get your vitamin D. Then you're going to do a 4-hour workout. Check your VHO. It should be high. Check your EMO. That should be low. And then we're going to drink 18 gallons of water. You're going to eat a lean protein diet and that's the way to do it. We're like, "No [ __ ] [ __ ] You You do a podcast for that. This is what I need you to do, Cuberman. Go to Vegas, get some blow, and then [ __ ] get wasted. Start day drinking all day." Okay. And then I need you to tell me how to recover on Monday morning at a high end. Right.

That's the podcast I'm looking for, right? Also, where's the booze pills? Where the [ __ ] IS THE BOOZE PILLS? WHERE'S THE LIVER PILLS? WHERE ARE WE saving people? You know, I'm [ __ ]

Well, that's why P Diddy had all the baby oil. That's That's the great equalizer.

Uh, wait, what? What's that? I was just trying to bring up P. Diddy as soon as possible in this podcast.

That That documentary is 50 Cent 50 Cent might be the funniest [ __ ] guy. He's So,

wait, he never appears on screen though, right? No, he produced the entire thing and then he did an ABC interview because he found out that in Diddy's jail, ABC was the only thing they played in the rec center.

So like he could only watch ABC. So he did the AB. So everyone in Diddy's jail watched the Diddy interview with P. Diddy. He just only did an ABC interview.

That's perfect. What is is I wish all trolls Have you ever seen the one when he did with with uh with Floyd Mayweather?

Uh where he said donate. He goes, "Floyd Mayweather, I'll donate a million dollars to any charity you want if you can read one page of Harry Potter with no mess ups.

That's perfect. I couldn't do it." It's right. Right. Right. Oh, boy. Everyone's like, "Woo!"

I love when I My favorite thing to do is tell people people are illiterate like in in production.

Yeah. So I I'm really sorry I did this Russell Peters and we were doing this thing we were doing this thing in in [snorts] Amsterdam and he was doing he was hosting and he was reading prompter and prompter is tough if you don't read a prompter all the time it's kind of tough and I told someone

uh you know he's illiterate right and they're like what and I go yeah he can't read and they're like no way I go well he was born in India yeah

and when he came over it was like learn he could learn English but reading English is really tough oh that makes so much sense They're like, "But he texted me last night." I go, "Voice text." His voice does it very commonly. I go, "Don't bring it up. He's really self-care." Don't even tell anyone.

I saw that person go around with a clipboard to people to people, you know, illiterate.

I worked with a talent who will not be named, but uh the prompter was very far away and he's like, "I can't read that." And it's like, and then like 10 people then focus on getting that reader was like, "Well, we can increase the fines." Like, yeah, it's too far away. And like I then catch on to what's going on and like because it got really big. He's like, "It's still too small." And it's like, "Okay, prompter me." I'm like, "Don't have a prompter meeting. There's not going to be a prompter." I go, I see what's going on here. This is someone who's very uncomfortable trying to read.

Oh, yeah. Who is it? Yeah. Somebody we all know. Uh, yes. Well, don't tell us the name, but like mouth it.

No. Well, we did a show I show I sold a show to VH1 in 1999 that I brought Mike on to direct and it was called Time Capsule 2000 and uh it was about me as the executive at VH1 and my assistant was a bumbling idiot and I wanted Zack Alfanakis to play the part. So we brought him in and they made him audition. He was like nobody had ever heard him before

really. So they made him audition and he auditioned like what three times I think so because they were thrown by him.

He couldn't get the lines like literally could not read lines and then we finally realized like oh he is severely dyslexic. Like Zach cannot read.

Yeah. And so we forced it and he ended up doing the pilot. pilot doesn't get picked up and we fought to get him on the show and then three months later he's got his own talk show on VH1. Late World with Zack.

Late World with Zach. Okay. I I think him and Dne Cook were two not Dane Cook. I'm sorry. He was one of those guys.

I bought you that oven. Did you really? I think so. Oh, I think you did. Yeah. Are you Are you reading it?

I was going to read it. Okay. Yeah. Please. Please. Did you really? Yeah. I He Well, he's bought me a lot of nice things in my life. the uh Zach had Zach had so many chances. That sounds This sounds shitty, but like there were so many times I was like, "This is going to be Zach's thing. This is going to be Zach's thing. This and then the [ __ ] hangover showed up and I was like, "Good luck on this one."

And it just skyrocketed. But it's like it's like late World was Zach. I was like, "This is going to be Do you remember when he was playing the piano and then they cut to him singing and they go back and it's Black Figures playing the piano?" Not only that, and then they cut down and the the piano stool was Janine Goff on all fours.

And then his last show, he gave a really moving speech, but he said how important it was to thank the little people. And then he's like, and by the little people, I mean the Jews.

What was Wait, what's he doing now? Uh, well, after his show got cancelled. to the Jews comment.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh on VH1 uh when that when it got cancelled and he was really bummed out like as you're saying like it was one after another and he wasn't getting anywhere. He goes when he would be really depressed. This is

6 months maybe even longer after his show was cancelled from VH1. He's like I would drive down to Crunchon and just stare at my billboard because it was still out.

Still out. Yeah. Exactly. He uh I took Lean to the store or to the improv one night and I was like, "We got a lot there's a lot of really great talent." And I was like, "You're gonna love Daniel TSH is on it. Uh uh Zack Dalanakis, Nick Schwarz, it was such a great lineup." Uh Sarah,

and she watches the whole thing. Daniel Tosh goes on and just makes fun of me. He goes, "My name's Bert."

And he just says, "Part of my act." And it bombs and he goes, "Yeah, see I told you to the back."

She didn't laugh at TSH once. She didn't like TSH. Yeah. Zach goes on. She's like, "Gh, I don't get it." And then all of a sudden, his last joke, "Well, I got to go home and do laundry. You know it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry off with a shoe."

That I got it. Yeah. And then she went out and we sat out and we had a drink with him

and she fell in love with him. He's the sweetest guy in the world. Yeah, he is the sweetest guy in the [ __ ] world.

Yeah. No, he's great. Uh Norm had a used to have a joke. He talk about his rise. So Norm would have this in dumb joke. They had the same manager at Brillstein. And so he'd be on the phone with him. He's like, "Hey, listen, Norm. I got to go." He's like, "Oh, is Zach Alamanakias on the other line?" And and that was just his joke cuz Zach was just he knew he managed him, but it was always like, "Why are you managing this guy who's nowhere?" And literally struggles to get time at the store and stuff. And then Norm's like, "Well, that came back to [ __ ] haunt me because because every single time he left me, he was going to get on the phone with Galifanakis."

You want to hear a crazy like white privilege story about Zach and I? Yeah. My uncle.

We love white privilege stories. Yes. Well, they're they're like hood stories when you find out that that uh that uh Lamar Jackson and and and Kodak Black went to grade school together and you're like, "Oh, that's cool. These are different, but white privilege."

Yeah. Um by the way, it's barely a privilege to be white anymore. If you're a writer, Hollywood,

my other podcast. So, so uh my uncle calls me and he goes, "My uncle was one of the biggest lobbyists in Washington DC. He represented China. And my uncle calls me and he goes, "Wait, whoa."

He goes, "Hey." No, the wrestler, who we all know, who we all know her. It's good job.

He said he goes, "Hey, if you see I I ran into a friend of mine. His son his gr his grandson I think grandson is or his nephew or whatever. Someone can Google and find out what it is. I'll just say grandson. grandson is um into comedy. Uh tell and if you see him uh we talked about both of you, you guys should link up. I said, "What's his grandson's name?" He said, "Zack Galifanakis." I said, "Who is he?" He goes, "He's a senator." So I said, "Okay." I go, "I I know who he is." And so I see Zack one night and he comes up and he goes, "Hey, my grandfather said I should say that your uncle's a good man." And I was like, "Two kids, one of the biggest lobby and a senator struggling in comedy and we're at a bar getting drinks and he was like, "Who is that?" Was someone Google?

Oh, it was his uncle. It was his uncle ran for governor even, I think, in North Carolina maybe.

Yeah. You can't spell KISS without Galifanaki like something. He had some big saying like that

for real. Well, they were these really liberal uh Greeks. Oh, that makes it better.

And so one he had many uncles. And so one of his uncles actually ran a diner that was one of the, you know, the only sort of integrated diner.

His uncle Nick. Yeah. US Congressman from North Carolina from 70 from 67 to 73.

Yep. The um they're all really big characters, too. I bet. Yeah. The uh You ever wish you were something else like Greek or Italian? Like you look at Sebastian Z. Oh, give me the first one.

Slow down. Slow down. We all got Irish. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know. You kind of get stuck with Irish. Um especially in New York, it doesn't mean anything. And then you move out here and being Irish is like it's like you're a unicorn.

Yeah. Cuz all the Irish and Italians are on the East Coast. Well, it meant something. It meant something on the East Coast in Boston. I bet it means something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he knows. I I grew up in Eastchester, New York, which was 99% of the time. Down the hill was a place called Crestwood. Crestwood was where they got all the marble to build Washington DC monuments. So all of my friends grandfathers were like had the craziest broken hands, but were so strong. Anyway, I was probably the only kid growing up I would pray at night to be shorter. Like I literally was like everyone in my school was a little cool [ __ ] Italian kid. And let me tell you in the 70s Italians were killing it.

Rocky [ __ ] Travolta, the FS [ __ ] the Godfather. Like it was great. The Italians were destroying it in the 70s. It was on.

All I wanted to be was shorter and and able to tan. That's and I was 0 for two. It was horrible.

And his town, which was all Italian, was called Eastchester. But what do they used to call it?

Greasechester. I I had a meeting with Doug Herszog, head of Comedy Central back in the day, and he's like, "You're from Grease Chester?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I am." It was unbelievable. Like I mean, welcome back, Carter. Forget about it. I mean, then Saturday Night Fever, all of it. It was insane. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Warriors, all of that [ __ ] The uh in Cattyshack, Rocky in Catty Shack, Irish people had a second. Danny had a second. But you always wanted to be the a nunan. A nunan.

Yeah. I don't want to get married to you, Danny. Yeah. That's all I need. That's all I need.

Oh, I HAVE A THEORY. I HAVE A THEORY. I have a brilliant It's yours. I ain't been with anybody else. Danny,

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So like our funny reference was, "Hey, that's a good hat. It looks good on you. Hey, you get a free bowl of soup with that hat." All our references that we use for comedy were movies. Yeah.

They didn't have movies the way we did. And so all their references for comedies are memes like Harambe. Hey, tits out for Harambe or or Jeffrey Epstein or Clinton, Hillary Clinton. Like, so it's comedy changed on us.

Yeah. And like all of a sudden in between generations of comics like I wonder what it was before that. Like I wonder what the Shecky Greens and those guys what their Does that make is that I'm making any sense?

Yeah. And like I when I think about like I was definitely a class clown growing up as I'm sure you guys were and then I think back to what was it that I was saying that was funny and it was it was lines from movies and TV shows and even commercials like I didn't have new material.

No. Yeah. It was it was like if you dropped a where's the beef in in class, right?

Yeah. A perfectly timed well where's the beef was like Yeah. Yeah. There was a there was a shampoo for black people called Tamba. And there was a commercial and they would go, "Ooh, ooh, Tamba." And I used to go up to all the black girls and go, "Ooh, ooh." And they [ __ ] love.

You should bring that back. Where is that? That's your niche. Don't let that go.

And touch it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Touch it. But it's it is interesting like because when I watched when their sense of it's through my cousins. So my cousins are all like how Leanne, how much younger are my cousins? Like 12 years younger than me.

Okay. And so they I'm in a text thread with them and I for whatever reason they muted me so I can't reply. I can just read it and but it's all memes.

I didn't know I could do that to you. It's like it's like everything's like a meme. Like they're like, "Uh, I got two dates tomorrow." And then they throw a meme of a of a black chick double dutching.

Right. Of course. And and then that's how they communicate in comedy. And I think it's because texting got big. The second texting got big,

it changed the conversation to comedy. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. It did. It's like a shortorthhand, too. It's a different language.

Yeah. And I um What? You want to start drinking again? Countdown to that. By the way, I brought you a I made a Christmas old-fashioned. I've never cooked with cardamom or cardamom, depending on which website you go on. And it's a cardamom syrup. And you can make a killer old-fashioned with this if you wanted.

I would like to try. Can I try it now? Yeah. And do you know why there's a painters tape on here?

Uh cuz you didn't have a paint pen. Cuz I'm not gay. If I had used like a preserve label, it would have been like so fidious. And like here we go. I make batches at home. I don't. I made one batch ever.

I [snorts] gave him the oven. The Wow, this is great. Oh, this is so nice. I'll put it on top of Greg's present.

Here, by the way, here's the recipe. Wait, can someone make this real quick? Here's the recipe. It's great.

Do you want to try one? And I'll definitely have one. And you don't need uh the ginger beer. I don't really like the ginger beer float unless you want.

No, I don't. I don't. What you think? Get rid of this. No. Here. Yeah. Bring the ingredients to me. I'll make it in front of him.

Oh, yeah. Okay. And then I brought you uh Jesus, look at this. No, I know. It's kind of nice. I love the sort of old school Christmas wrapping. No, it's incense, but it smells amazing. Like pine.

Really? Yeah. If you're I I assume your tree is going to be dead within two weeks. So,

the uh I I did a podcast talking about the way things are shifting. Not complaining, but just recognizing the shift.

It's like uh Oh, thank you. Greg doesn't drink. Just get him a water, but we'll put it in there.

You could uh you could have some of that. There's no alcohol in that. That's great.

Um, can I tell you a funny story, please? Are you in the middle of some? Nope. Oh. Um, so I was talking to Louis CK the other day and

Oh, name drop. Who who love No, I bring it up because we were talking about you.

Oh, good call. Good name drop. Good name drop. But we were talking about people that just are organically who they are on stage, which is why they're successful, that there's nothing phony about them. And then he's he said that he saw you at the improv not too long ago and you were backstage and uh and you were like, "Yeah, you had like a little you had some paper out and you were like, "Yeah, I'm just like working on some new stuff." And he's like, and he seemed very kind of sheepish because usually he has that big stadium energy.

And he's like, "You got some notes." And then you walk on the stage and they introduce you and you put your notes down and then he goes and then he took his shirt off, but it was just like

and he just sadly put it on the stool. Was working on new stuff. It's like when Chris Rock downplays.

That's great. Yeah. The first time I met Norm like practice I met Norm for the first time like three times one one [clears throat] time I go I'm bringing [ __ ] spade up or someone and at the store and I come off stage and I'm shirtless and Norm is crying laughing. I was like, "Hey Norm, I'm Bert." And he was like and he's like just like this. And I go uh I go I'm such a big fan. And he goes, "There's no shirt. There's no shirt." And he goes, "You didn't even say it. You didn't even say you're taking you didn't even say it." And he's just laughing so [ __ ] hard. And I go, "Yeah, oh yeah, I work shirtless." And he's like, "No, no, no. I just saw no shirt and no shirt." Like he just kept laughing and I just didn't know if it was at me or with me,

right? Oh, yeah. There's a lot of that with him. Oh, yeah. And then and then uh and then and then I heard uh Letterman talk about it. Letterman talked about it in a documentary. He goes, "There's this guy who he he doesn't wear his shirt and who who's interviewing him?" The uh great director comic older comic from the 80s, but he's a director now. He did a documentary about comedy, the comedy store.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's his Mike? Yeah. Yeah. Mike Binder. Mike Binder. Mike Binder sent it to me and and he was like uh and he never brings it up. He never brings it up. And I was like I was He's like He's a great comic, but he never brings it up. And I was like I was like, should I start bringing up that I'm taking my shirt? Like guys, my shirt's off.

Yeah. Um, real quick. Yes. We The only thing we don't have is orange juice. Should we run out and grab

That's fine. No, no, no. You don't need it. Yeah, you don't need it. And orange zest. We don't have

Nope. You don't need everything else. Perfect. Okay, great. The lemons can do that heavy

lifting. And we actually have orange bitters if flavor of orange. That's perfect.

Okay, great. There you go. Um, so I go to a um Italian restaurant to get a coffee the other day because I was driving down the street and uh and the guy behind the counter is Italian and I go, "Can I get an Americana with room and he goes uh" and he thinks about it and then he walks off and I see him talking to like the manager and they're going back and forth and I'm going, "How complicated is this Americana with the room?" And he comes back, he goes, "Uh, no, we uh we don't have any rum."

And we [ __ ] laugh for like 10 minutes. It's a shame. There is a there is a great character that doesn't hear the right things.

Like it's my dad is losing his hearing and I don't write that write it down enough, but he was talking about to these people when we were in Hawaii and he was like, "That's fascinating. That's so fascinating." And I said, 'What's fascinating? He goes, "This whole family has amnesia." And I was like, "Huh?" He goes, "The whole family? The whole family?" I said, "Really?" The guy goes, "No, no, no. We're from Malaysia."

No, see, I think you forgot you have amnesia. So, the best is So, so he goes to see a show with uh with uh at the forum, and it's me, uh Ian Finance, and Big Jay Ore. Big my and they're in my my whole family's in a in a suite at the forum and big Jensen's on stage and Leanne. Leanne me

[ __ ] Leanne. I swear to God I'm about done with this woman. She's [ __ ] too autonomous, man.

And my mom Leanne is laughing harder at my parents than at Big Jay's act because my dad's going, "What did he say?" And my mom's going, "He said he eats her [ __ ]

He eats her [ __ ] Albert." And he goes, "Why would someone eat someone's asshole?" I don't know. He's into freaky stuff. Leanne said that was better than Here's what I was trying to say. So podcast, not just witnessing. And I want to talk about the change in Hollywood cuz Hollywood's about to change

entirely. Really? Entirely. We're Say goodbye to movie theaters. Say goodbye to movies. Movies are gone. We're never going to No one's making movies anymore. No one's going to make movies anymore. It's over. You know what movies are going to be like? Like when you watch uh Mark Mer and listen to vinyl.

Oh yeah. Like you're going to have to be one of those people who has like bespoked boots and you sit cross-legged with a cappuccino and a cigar and you go, "It's vinyl."

People are going to go, "No, that's uh Ernest goes to camp." Very elitist. Yeah. It's It's going to be elitist. They're going to be like They're going to watch movies cuz

Netflix is going to buy uh HBO. HBO and Warner Brothers. Yeah. Uh that that means we'd now lose a studio. There will be no movie theaters. They're not going to Netflix doesn't want you to go to the movie theaters. They want you to stay home. I got to be honest with you. It's I think it's a better experience. I'm not going to lie to you. And I know I tried to push people to go to a movie theater when it was my movie, but I was a little

Says the guy with the 108 in TV with surround sound and nice couches. What about the poor people, Bert? They want to watch movies on tube TVs.

No, no, they watch they they're on Tik Tok, Greg. They do Tik Tok and then they, you know, waste all their time. They uh movies are gone. Okay.

And because there's going to be no incentive to make a movie. How what what was the last movie you watched? Please say it was one battle after another

in the theater. In the theater. No. What was the last just movie? Oh no. I saw uh Train Dreams. My favorite movie this year. Hard one to recommend because when it ends a lot of people are going to be like, "What the [ __ ] was that?" It's gorgeous.

Wait, what is it? It's on Netflix to your point. Train Dreams. Put it in my my wish.

Train Dreams. No. Oh, it's going to get nominated. Remember the last Yeah. Uh, it's great. It's one of those it's like a meditation every frame. It's like a painting. It reminds me a lot of people bring up Days of Heaven, which was similar movie.

Heathers. No, Days of Heather. Days of Heathers. Uh, Days of Heaven back in the day. Terrence Malik was one of Richard Gear's first, but he like only shot between like like you know sunset and like five minutes before or something. And so anyway, it's beautiful. You know, it's one of those settling beautiful one of these. It's like so woodsy and amazing.

Say goodbye to beautiful. Say goodbye to beautiful. Say goodbye to It's There's no reason for it. You're losing me in the story. I need action. I need to tell me I'm telling you, man. I'm watching I watched Frankenstein the other night, right?

Have you seen it? I had a problem with it. Yeah. Was it that you didn't have two days to get through it?

Well, first of all, he's telling the story so long. I'm like, isn't there a [ __ ] MONSTER OUTSIDE?

THANK YOU. WHAT THE? WE'RE STUCK IN THE ICE IN RUSSIA AND YOU THE [ __ ] MONSTER CAN MOVE THE SHIP AND YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT HIS MOM. She [ __ ] had a mistake.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, maybe begin at the end. Like what's outside? I don't need the origin story here. He's going to kill all my men. Oh, you were a precocious child. Okay. And uh let's go. This is the best. This is the best. That's insane.

Break down OF FRANKENSTEIN. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, how did you create a monster? How long did it take? You can't even tell the story of creating the monster in less than a month.

Can't even tell the story. He practically broke in THEIR HOUSE LIKE, "OH MY GOD, LET ME IN." OKAY. DO YOU HAVE LIKE 16 hours? I got to tell you what's outside the door. [ __ ] insanity. Is the door locked? Good. Okay. Do you have soup? I got to I might take a nap before I start telling you what's about to kill all of us.

Thank god it wasn't a tornado. Listen, tornadoes are a vortex. Hold on. Do you have a couple hours? But there's one right outside. It's insane. That's like if they did Jaws and Richard Driver was like, "Let's get in the water. I'm going to tell you what's going on."

Listen, a few weeks from now, we're going to need a bigger boat. That is SO TRUE. I DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THAT.

CLOSE THESE BEACHES in August. Late August, but we have a few months. John, I got to tell you what I just saw.

Okay, guys. I'm going to tell you what it is. Okay. Sounds like No, totally. No,

you'll get it. Does anyone else give up Frankenstein? It's exactly the truth. Let me TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOM.

YEAH, GET TO THE MOM. TOTALLY. YEAH, I'M [ __ ] GOING TO DIE. I didn't even I'm going to have a stroke.

He goes into real lessons. His dad teaching him. He's like, "No, you didn't. I didn't get that right. I was I wasn't such a great student when it came to this." like, "Oh my god,

my men are being eaten." Or whatever that thing does. Told his story first. He just got to the point.

The monster is so much a better storyteller. Can you just jump to the end? Okay, we're probably all going to die.

Y, it's crazy. Oh my god, I'm sweating. That is the [ __ ] most accurate depiction of Frankenstein.

Did the monster you make tell stories faster than you? Did Did you fix that? Did that jump and skip a generation? Maybe.

It was impossible. [sighs] It's one of my favorite books of all time. So, I had a problem on that. You know, it's literally

one of your favorite books. You've only read three in your life. So, I read Can someone just make me make these? I'm like laughing too hard. Do you know that Frankenstein is the first AI and it's but it's it's Bladeunner is exactly Frankenstein like Bla Bladeunner is Frankenstein. It's it's fascinating when you know that. So I'm waiting for the good version of Frankenstein.

So So this I read I read Wikipedia Frankenstein last night. It is Marie Shel's uh

Mary Shel Mary Shel's version. This is the closest version I've ever seen to Frankenstein. Not only that, they were on vacation and it was uh I think some volcano went off. Anyway, it was the cloudiest summer and it was cold and they literally said, "Hey, let's have a contest. Uh let's see who can write the best horror story in our hotel rooms that and she wrote it then that weekend." Serious?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now I don't know how long. And then it took Did her husband try to take credit for it?

Right. Well, it was Shelly and all the Yeah. All these great writers were there. But um anyway, and then she wrote it. But it's it's it's big it's the bladeunner of wanting to meet your maker. Like what am I doing here? Yeah. And it's you know it's and it's it's it's fascinating and so many so many sci-fi it was the first sci-fi story.

And then there was a movie in the 80s called do you remember Franken Hooker? It was about they were taking different body parts from the hottest women and building the hottest hooker.

No. This was a real movie. Franken Hooker. Franken Weiner. Franken Weiner. Remember that?

Isn't that a story about a dog where they put all the dog parts together to recreate a dog?

Oh, really? I don't I know Frank and Weiner the name perhaps was pornography. I can't remember.

Can someone even those aren't in the theater anymore? The the Frankenstein I knew was the

Yeah. And then fire. Right. Right. Right. I didn't know the one the real story. He does hide in that shed. He does learn to read from the blind guy. He does he saves the daughter. They think it was him. They shoot him in the real one. Was did his body heal?

Well, the real one is a little more harsh cuz he killed the boy to get back at uh Dr. Frankenstein. He killed it.

He framed the nanny and then the nanny got hung and then the nanny was put to death.

Yeah. Ah, and then but he was you're so on the monster side despite that you're so on the monster side by the end of the book because he's literally like basically it's a questions about God like you're my creator. What what why am I here? What is going on? Also, I'll never be able to meet some you know all that stuff like I'll never I'll never know love. I'm only like feared and hated and it's really amazing.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. A new year does not require a new you. Maybe just a little less burdened you. Therapy can help you easily identify what holds you back, weighs you down by offering an unbiased perspective to better understand your relationships, motivations, and emotions. I I always say this, but if you're not in therapy, it makes no sense to you. You're like, "What are you talking about?" But you don't realize how your relationships, your motivations, your emotions drive every part of you and and how they interlock with say your father. It's an interesting one for me to bring up, but it's it's interesting only because that was something that I hadn't identified at all. And then when I got into therapy, I remember seeing I this is not about my dad. My therapist like what the [ __ ] are you doing? And then I realized how my motivations and my relationship with my father were

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That's betterhp.com/bert. Here's the way I think that uh media is going to change. This is I I I I wouldn't say I've used the word epiphany four times describing this exact thing.

Okay, so the first 10 minutes of Frankenstein, [ __ ] incredible. Incredible. Yeah.

The second he gets into the room and they bring him the body and he goes, "Let me tell you my story." What they should do is take that first 10 minutes and do it like they do micro dramas. Uh two minutes each and where you go, you see two minutes and then you go, do you want to watch the next one? You click to it. Two minutes, you watch the next one, two minutes, they get them on the boat. Do you want to to hear my story? And then what you're going to do is you're going to buy 50 tokens, 50 tokens for $25. And then just like they do in in video games or what what is what does your kids play? What does Isa play?

Roblox. Roblox. Roblox. Okay. Okay, you're going to buy 50 tokens and then it's going to go five tokens to see the next two minutes. And what will happen is in order to make money, they're going to shorten these stories to make them all pop to drive you to the next one. Like these micro

each one has to have a cliffhanger vertical dramas. It's going to be vertical dramas. It's going to be you're going to lose the you're going to lose film making. You're going to lose the woman standing on the step with the scarf blowing in the air or the you'll see the casket, but it's going to be so much quicker because the internet makes it so much quicker and so much faster. And Del Toro, it was 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Yeah. And it was like Yeah. But I It's so funny that I'm watching this going, if you'd given this movie to the internet, right? If you had just released it, someone on the internet, some kid would have been like, "No, I'll give you notes." And then it would have been an hour and 15 minutes and it would be a banger,

right? It's like and I watched uh one battle after another. Have you seen that?

What is it? One one battle after the other. Oh, yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah. I loved it.

Why? I mean, I felt like the I felt like the tension was high the whole time, but in a way that didn't exhaust me. Like, I feel like it logically moved through the story. I feel like it got better at the end, but I feel like it took a long time to get to the end.

Yeah. Like I watched it last night with Leanne. Do not bring it up around Leanne.

Yeah. She was [ __ ] She was furious. This movie [ __ ] sucks. Yeah. This guy I never like anything PT Anderson does. He sucks. He ain't worth [ __ ] Go. And then she goes, "You know what? Best part of There Will Be Blood. I swear to God my wife says this. Paul Dano." I was like, "That's interesting.

She should speak up now." Didn't Tarantino say that he ruined the movie? Tarantino said that killed that movie.

Does Tarantino live in Israel? Is that what I just heard? Really? I think he lives in Israel.

Wow. Right now. All I heard was someone said that the last time they did Coke was with Paul Thomas Anderson and and and Fiona Apple said the last time she had Coke was with Paul Thomas Anderson and Quinton Tarantino. And they made her never want to do Coke again.

That's what they should do for rehab. Yeah, they send you to a sober house, but it's just Tarantino and dad are doing coke with you.

I did a photo shoot for cigar and spirits and I like an idiot. The guy goes, "Let a bos stogy." And I go, "Yeah, yeah, [ __ ] yeah. I love these things." So, we light one up and they're like, "Great, great, great. All right, new setup. Lighting up another one." I smoked five cigars in an hour and I was like, "So, this is how you get someone to quit smoking cigars?"

Yeah. But yeah, go ahead. There are so many movies like that where you're like, just give me a weekend with this in an edit bay or one day. I go, this is the easiest thing to lose 25 minutes from. You won't even miss it.

Yeah. There's so many movies like that now. We should do a podcast called I have notes.

Yeah. Where we take movies the week they come out. Yeah. And we don't we don't we have we watch the movie Thursday.

Thursday the wait or Friday. Whenever they come. Whenever they come. and we don't know the weekend budget. We don't know anything. After we watch it, we go right in and we have notes and we give our notes to the movie. This is what I take out. This is what I think. And and then we predict how it's going to do

without h having any knowledge of how it's going to do and what people's thoughts are,

right? Like I mean it's just every movie is 2 hour and 45 minutes. Did you hear eyes wide shut had 48 minutes taken out of it and they're saying that in it the reason they took it out was because you know Cubri is a lot lot of conspiracy theories about Cubric like the staged the moon landing and but in Eyes Wide Shut that it was very much about a pedophilia ring and at the in the movie there's still a scene where that there's a child that's taken away from Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruz at the end and led away by these men and they say that there was actually there was a whole substory about that that was taken out of the because he was exposing uh real people. They were it was all like a symbolism of real people.

Really? Yeah. There was a scene I was talking to u Kevin Pollock and I was open for him long time ago and I was like you know I love usual suspects and he goes there's a scene they had to take out because it gave away the plot too quick. And I was like what was it? very beginning they sit verbal kit in the thing

and a dude walks by the office and goes verbal hey Kaiser Kaiser so like he recognized him went to high school with him so they took it out

but wait he literally took I [ __ ] it up I [ __ ] it up someone just walked by the office and goes Kaiser so I haven't seen you since high school man what you cut your hair what I heard your family died or something

Kaiser Kaiser Kaiser Kaiser Thursday at Utah. What the [ __ ] HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, MAN? I haven't seen you since hungry when when those guys were coming after you. You cut your hair. You look totally different. What's up with the limp? Oh. Oh, my bad. Oh, no. I got you. I got you. You're on a date. Okay. Okay.

Charlie K. We have I haven't seen you since So, we went sledding with Rose Bud way back in when we were little kids.

Good to see you, man. Rosebud. Rose. And then some guy just sticks his head in. YOU WANT YOUR SLED?

WAIT, THAT OKAY. OKAY. SO, OKAY. Hold on. Stop. Yeah. That is a [ __ ] That is a That's a That's a That's a web series.

How to ruin them. It's called Spoilers. It is just All we do is we take those things from movies and then we shoot a reenactment shot of Kaiser.

Kaiser. So, you dog. Right. Right. Rose bud. Are you looking for your sled, Bruce? Well, let's get this dead weight out of here. When does this

still want this? Do you? Oh, the Olivia. So, my my youngest daughter, uh, Six Sense was spoiled for her, right? So, because I was like, "Oh, you really got to watch it. That's the easiest movie to spoil." And that's the whole movie, right? So, but she goes, she comes back, she's like, "Oh my god, I finally saw Six Sense." I'm like, "Well, how was it since you knew it was spoiled?" She's like, "Get this." She's like, "I was told the wrong information." She was told like the kid was a ghost.

So, she was totally on. It was even more of a shock for her. Shut the [ __ ] up.

She had a better experience than any of us did because every Bruce Willis looking at the kid and then they like it was like so she's like this is crazy.

Yeah. Okay, two stories. I'll start with Six Sense and then I'm going to go to the best uh Usual Suspects ending I've ever heard in my life. So, 6 cents. I go on a date with this girl. Phenomenal girl. I wish I I wish I'd stayed in touch with this one chick just so I knew her husband. That's how cool this girl was. She whoever she married is going to be the coolest dude.

We go to see women always marry killer dudes. Leanne and women always. So, so we go and it's packed and I'm sitting next to a black dude with dreadlocks in New York. Uh right above I you know exactly where this is uh you know where the like above uh Union Union Square but it's where the streets go like this a little bit. It's a movie theater right there.

Totally. Yeah. Absolutely. So it's that movie theater. Yeah. So why thank you Ka?

All right. Greg, did you want anything? No, this is great. Oh, that's fine. That's fine.

No worries. Little holiday in a glass. Happy holidays. I don't know when this airs, but uh happy uh

Right. When is it? Happy M I'm okay day. Happy Easter. Oh, this is [ __ ] phenomenal.

Oh, this is really great. Bunch of these. So, we are watching the movie and he's a black dude, so he's kind of like talking through it a little bit and but not like crazy, but he is talking. He's next to me and we don't know each other. My chick's here, his chick's on this side of him. And uh at the end when he stumbles back against the thing

Yeah. I go, "Wait, what the?" And he goes, "Oh shit." I go, "What?" And he goes, "Dude." I go, "Dude." He goes, "Dude." I go, "Dude." He goes, [gasps] "Is he?" I go, "Is he dead?" And he goes, "He's dead." And we realize it at the exact same moment. At the exact same moment, right? So the movie ends and me and this guy walk outside on that corner and we start breaking down the movie like, "Wait, hold on. So wait, so when he was So he never knew the mom. The mom was and and we break it down. were having such a connection, me and this guy. Our girls are off to the side and I was like, "That's [ __ ] great." I'm like, "I'm Burton." And he's like, "I'm Darnell or whatever." And I was like, I was like, "Dude, that's great." I go, "What are you doing?" He was like, "I don't know. You want to get a drink?" I was like, "Yeah, let's get a [ __ ] drink. I could talk about this movie forever." He goes, "Have you seen Usual

Suspects?" I go, "I have." And then his girl goes, "Hey, Darnell. WE'RE ON A [ __ ] DATE."

AND HE GOES, "OH, my bad, dog. I got to go." And he walks off. Hilarious. I [ __ ] But uh, now this is the best usual suspect. So,

okay. In college, we had one of those chips in the in the cable box where it played it played every station but at every pay-per-view, but it played them on repeat. So, we watched uh we watched the Alicia Silverstone Clueless. We watched it a million times. We could quote that a million times. It just played over and over and over.

Cool fat. Got it. Yeah. So, so my buddy Hutch is my buddy Hutch is the guy that uh my favorite story of him is how I what I why I love him. Uh one time I was trying to throw a stick at a Frisbee to get out of the tree and he says to me, "Hey man, if I if I were you, I'd be real careful." I go, "What?" And he goes, "Well, [sighs] when you know when you look up, your mouth automatically opens." And I was like, "No." And he goes, "Yeah, look up." And I just go like, "Oh, yeah." And he goes, "Sticks happen to go right down your throat." I was like, "What?" And he goes, "It happened to me twice."

And then he said, and I I'll call him. I'll call him. And then he said, "Yeah, I had a problem with that appeared in my life." He goes, "Do you know those? Do you know those bike flags that were on the back of a bike?" I go, "Yeah." He goes, "I got one of those stuck in my He was throwing in his front yard and watching it stick in the ground." And he goes, "I threw it and someone yelled, "Hey, Hutch." And he looked and he goes, "Yeah." and he looks over right his throat. And then he said it happened with a hammer one time on his head. So that's Hutch.

Okay. Everything you need to know about Hutch. Jesus. So one day Blair elegant.

Blair and Hutch are on the couch and we're walking out and it's the very end of The Usual Suspects where he goes there. The black guy and the other guy are sitting in the in the agent Koulians are sitting and they're like and Verbal's left and he's like I don't know what you going to do. He's I don't know. It's like and they're about to figure it out and he drops the cup and I go oh [ __ ] And Blair goes Hutch hasn't seen this. Do not spoil it. And I go oh. I go I got to go to class. This [ __ ] awesome. And I leave class. I come back from class and they're at the same point in the movie and Hutch goes hold on. I still don't get it.

He goes and player goes give him give it a second. So Herbal Kid starts walking normal and Hutch goes how did he get cured so easily? He watched it twice. He watched it twice.

Well well one time he had a a fire poker straight down his throat and he really couldn't look at it.

I couldn't He would Hutch was like I don't have those friends anymore. Oh the true characters.

Yeah. Like I mean I got you guys like you guys are the probably two of the funniest people I I have the funniest people I know but I don't have like the lunatics that you

the Joey Diaz's. Yeah. Like when you're a kid when you're a kid you get all the army men. Right.

Yeah. And then as you go through life and pick a job you start losing ones to like oh he's in prison or you know

oh he he's gotten divorced twice. He's an alcoholic or they start losing them off. But when you're a kid you get the kid that eats ants. Yeah, the kid the kid that can fight the the gay kid that doesn't know he's gay yet. Like it's just this like wide swath of people.

Yeah, I know. And it used to be fun teaching that kid that he was gay. He also turned out to be quite a fighter also.

Yeah. So, you don't know you're gay? I'm telling you, you're gay. He was like this. No, I hear my uncle grew up in the Bronx and everything and he had just this group of characters. He's like, uh, he's like, and anytime he told the story, you'd be like, I want to know about all these people would be like, uh, oh no, that time we broke into the Yankee game with Time Bomb. I'm like, with what? He's like, their friend's name was Time Bomb cuz you just never knew when he was going to go off.

I know. It was perfect. The uh we we used to have good nicknames for all our friends. Like I had a buddy named Cannonball. Cannonball lived. I'm gonna I'm gonna He knows who I'm talking about.

Take this out and scrape the alt salt off into the into the sink. I'm guessing you can go into the sink.

Oh, wow. Cannonball lived in LA for a second in Venice and I go Cannonball used to love Coke obviously.

Yeah. And he brings me in and he's like uh he's like he's like Bert you you're into comedy, right? And I was like that's a comedian. He goes this guy does comedy or something, right? What do you do? It's his roommate. He goes, "My name's Tom. I'm not I'm a programmer." And he goes, "Tom, tell them about the comedy stuff you do." And he goes, "I have a website I'm making and we're doing a comedy section." He said, "Do you know Dane Cook?" And I went, "Yeah." He goes, "Well, it's called MySpace." This guy, he lived with the guy that started [ __ ] MySpace. Yeah.

Oh, wow. No [ __ ] Yeah, everybody had a nickname. I haven't given a new friend a nickname, but when you when we were kids, it was like Mike the Bug,

the Twitch, Strange Dave. No, no. Who did you get arrested with in the woods, Sneaky Pete?

Sneaky. We had some good nicknames. We have one guy, his nickname was Waffle for white ass [ __ ] legs.

Oh, that's great. Great [ __ ] nickname. He had the whitest legs. Oh, my friend had his friend's nickname was clam bake because he just ate anything. Giant guy clam bake with such a good name.

I missed I miss good nicknames. I I've [clears throat] given myself all my nicknames. What were the good nicknames? We had Mark Trabani uh his nick from Creed. His nickname was the other guy

cuz I used to give nicknames and so I gave this guy uh a nickname. They were both transfers from different schools. I think Mark went to Clemson or something or Auburn.

And we bring him in and they're like, you know, welcome to R Epsilon Alpha Alpha Epsilon or whatever we were.

And I forgot he was there, too. And I gave this guy a great nickname. And they're like, hey, Bert, what about the other guy? And I was like, "Oh, that's a great nickname for you. You're the other guy." And he was like, "That's it?" And I was like, "Yeah, the other guy. Yeah, we're the other guy."

That's great. Yeah. Well, I call Dennis plus one because uh our friend is like good friends with Galif best friends with Galifanakis and also the South Park guys. He's at every event, but he's the plus one.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's the guy that takes the swag bag home because the celebrity doesn't want it.

He's like, "You want to go to the suite?" Cuz he it's like Matt and Trey suite, you know? So, we go to all these things at SoFi, but it's like that's where we're plus one's plus ones actually. No, but then he'll plus one even even little events I go oh you going with somebody like he actively seeks to be a plus one

he's very social it's good yeah but you know that the forsome that we play in with him I'm not making this up every Friday we have a we have a tea time at 9:00 at Penmark

and it is we call people's golf course yes we call it the they call us the Irish mafia it's Fitz Simmons Fitz Gibbons Gibbons and Gubbins

and we make the guys say it out loud like to the tea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another corner. That's [ __ ]

It's almost racist that that's who we choose to hang out with. Yeah. And then it's like and Wong who's cuz they let five go off at Penar. So we always get we get some random guy

joined with us. Yeah. Who who will never play with us again. Nobody wants to play with us again because all we bets on Greenie, Sandy, uh, Barky. If you hit a tree,

all made up bets. It's great. If you hit a tree and you make a par, everybody owes you a dollar.

Wait, I want to play with you guys. Oh, yeah. We a million bets. It's great. I play so much better when two things are happening. Gambling or if a camera's on me.

Okay. Camera's on me. I played with Baratsi and Chad Daniels and I was hung over, 280 pounds probably and I was not I couldn't even get around on the ball. I was just like all over the place and Nate's like, "I thought you were good, Bert." And I was like, "I get better." As I drink. So, we start drinking. So, Nate goes to drive and I FaceTime Brooks Kepka and I was like, "Hey, Brooks, do do me a favor. Uh, rate his swing." And Nate swing. Nate's a great golfer.

Yeah, he's really good. He hits one pretty good and he goes gh and Nate's like, "What?" And and then Nate's like, "Well, you got to watch this guy." Oh, hold on. You ain't seen [ __ ] bro. Take my shirt off. And for whatever reason, I get full rotation and stripe 300 yards down the center. AND NATE GOES, "BULLSHIT [ __ ] HE'S BEEN HITTING GARBAGE all [ __ ] day." Nate Parati is one of the

So Nate didn't say [ __ ] He is. HE'S A HE'S LIKE, "BULL DOGGY. BULLDOG. BULLDOG. I miss the old Nate or I miss the Nate. I know. Now, hold on. Let me rephrase all that. Take that out.

That sounds weird. But I miss drunk Nate. Right. I've only heard about it. It was so great. It was so great. And now listen, I don't want Nate to start drinking again. He is very happy. I hear he's doing well. I don't know. I hear he sets record. He's opening a theme park.

Yes. He wants He wants to be the male uh Dolly Parton in Tennessee. Yeah. That's his which is big. She's the queen there. It's crazy.

Well, sidebar, she's closing her theme park. All right. And I I don't I mean I think Dollywood was Dollycentric. Is that the reason a lot of people came? First of all, you're talking to a a theme park part expert. I have no more knowledge about theme parks than the majority of Americans in this country. I've been to more theme parks than the majority of acers out there because that's all I did for for travel for three years. [snorts]

The the highlight of Dollywood and I would say Dollywood was one of the best theme parks I've ever been to. that in Busushch Gardens, Virginia.

Busushch Gardens, Virginia is in my in my experience almost equivalent of taking your family to Europe. It's that beautiful. Really?

Wow. It is gorgeous. It is thematically set where you can really feel like you're in you're in a pub in England and you just go like and then you walk out and your kids are playing. It's it's [ __ ] incredible. The rides are amazing. Characters are a tad bit racist, but [clears throat] characters always have

Bush Gardens in Tampa's kind of a dump, isn't it? a little well there are two different themes of Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens Tampa is more African safari. Okay.

Busch Spartans George if I'm or Virginia if I'm not mistaken is a little more like European.

It's got like more more European hints. I just dump these in. And then I know is there water in them? I'm guessing

this is exciting podcast. So, we have a thing. Alan's going to kill me when I say this, and I'm not supposed to say this. We have this thing called sneak attacks. And sneak attacks are just moments where the person's not expecting it, but it signals that you want to have sex later. And that when I get a sneak attack, I know it's time to take a rose sparks. This episode is sponsored by Row. Rose Sparks are twoin- one prescription treatment for guys who need a secret weapon. They hit the bloodstream faster because they dissolve under your tongue and getting harder faster means less waiting to perform.

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I tested it. I knew the Midnight Lux medium feel for side sleepers is my my mattress. Leanne's a back sleeper. She's got the moonlight lux. Now we have our own mattresses in our own rooms and we sleep like dreams. Do you know what that means? In the morning, first person who wakes up comes into the other person's room and we lay in that bed and we listen to music together and we talk and we Today I said, "How many shoes for the should the regular man have?" It's a great system. I love not sleeping with my wife. Go to helixleep.com/bird for 20% off sitewide. You're going to love this deal. That's helixleep.com/bird for 20% off sitewide. Make sure you enter our show's name in the post-purchase survey so they know that we sent you. I want you to sleep like I sleep. So go to helixleep.com/bert.

Do you think most people that get tortured say to themselves as they're about to get tortured? I never thought this was going to happen to me.

I don't know. Like like like you ever see videos of guys that are stuck in the middle of the ocean or like like hear stories of a guy stuck in the middle of the ocean?

I hear those stories but I think that'll never happen to me. And then if it happens to me, I'm going to go, can't believe this happened to me.

I'll waste a lot of time on that. Have you ever had the thing where you're like certain tortures you're like, I'd [ __ ] muscle that out. Like, you know, they're going to hook me up to like a box spring and electrocute me. I'm like, I'd [ __ ] take that. And then I'm like, what do you honestly cuz then I hear about other tortures. Like for instance, if my hot water is not working, I'm like, not a [ __ ] chance. And if there was a room that they're like, "We're taking you to the torture room." I'm like, "All right, what do you got? A box spring that's [ __ ] hooked up to a car battery. Bring it on." And they go in, they're like, "No, it's just an ottoman. Stub your toe." I'm like, "No, no, no." I go, "This doesn't look like a torch room. It's a beautiful hotel room.

Stub your toe again." Not I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you everything. Yeah.

So like stub the little toe as you walk by it. What do you want to know? I'll I'll tell you any

They JUST GOT YOU TIED TO A chair and they're holding an ottoman. just ram it against your toe.

First thing in the morning, you're all cozy. Get in a cold shower. All right. What do you need to know?

This and this, right? Yeah. Once they're done. And then don't forget to blend the sauce so that you can heat it up.

Oh, yeah. I got to put that on that, right? I um Oh, I got to heat it up. Okay.

I did a podcast with Ari one time and we were at the the comedy seller has a studio upstairs where Bobby Kelly does his podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, we're up there and it's attached to it's an apartment with a bathroom attached to it. So, me and Ari were talking about torture and we're like, "Do you think you could handle being waterboarded?" And I said, "Yeah, I can handle that." I go, "Do you think you can handle it?" And he's like, "Uh, yeah, I think I could." I go, "Come on." And this is an audio podcast. Unfortunately, it was not on video. So, we went into the bathroom. We got a towel. He laid on his back. I got the shower nozzle and I sprayed him down on his face.

No. And he [ __ ] freaked out. Like he jumped up. Water was coming out of his nose. He was like gagging. It went on for like a minute and then he just started laughing and we both started laughing for like 5 minutes and then I go, "My turn." And then I laid on my back and I put the towel on and you think, "What's the big deal? How bad could this be?"

Especially knowing it's going to stop. You even know that the sensation that you are drowning and dying is so intense.

Are you serious? Yeah. It's You want to do it? No. No. But wait, Kyle, you're ex-military.

No. Apparently, it's the feeling. It's It's like you're never going to get that next breath.

Yeah. And it's nasal. It's It's everything just stops. It's crazy. One of the best water.

Plus, imagine with Ari's nose like how much worse that was for him. Oh, yeah. It's like It's like Niagara Falls just going into his throat. The best water boarding video I ever saw was on Tosh Point 2.0. Yeah.

Todd Glass said he could stand being waterboarded. And Tosh said, "Okay." And he goes, "But I need a safe word to let you know when I stop." And he goes, "Toss goes, okay, I'll tell you the safe word." Were Were you there?

No. No. I was not there at this point. And he leaned in and whispered the N word TO HIM. HE JUST SHOUT that out and I'll stop.

Do you know that joke Nor McDonald guy? He goes, "You know, I tried SNM for a little while." He's like, "I picked the wrong safe word. My safe word was boring."

The other the other great uh Norm story. And I I love Norm. I [clears throat] I miss him. I I I love that I love that interaction of him. He was just a breath of fresh air in that green room. I miss those green rooms. Those green rooms were so good back then.

Yeah. Norm walked [clears throat] in one time. I don't know if you might have been there. And Rogan was back there and Rogan had his vape pen.

And Nor goes, "Oh, I was there. This was the This was the Best Buddies benefit show."

Yes. And And Norm goes, "Hey, uh, Joe, what do you got there?" And Joe goes, "It's a vape pen." He goes, "Hey, can I have a little hit?" And he goes, "Well, yeah, but it's marijuana, Norm. I think I thought you were sober." He goes, "Ah, it's just little marijuana. How could that hurt?" And he goes starts to hit it. And Joe goes, "It's really strong marijuana." And no one goes, [sighs] "Bill Clinton raped a woman." And that is it. He threw her down and said, "Clean yourself up, bitch."

Dude, he went out that night and made no s Which, by the way, is the best time to see Norm. Like, made no sense. He was so high. He was just starting premises and then trailing off and then noticing things and all the comedians were sitting on the side dying and afterwards the crowd was like, "What the [ __ ] was that?"

Oo, I got a brilliant question. Can you guys explain I was talking to someone about this the other day. Can you explain the phenomenon of a comedian's comic like sometimes a norm or a

Brody where only we get it? sometime like the audience doesn't get it but we get it at such a different frequency like what is that? Break that down for me if you could.

I think it's sort of um negating the like meeting the audience's expectation and instead like honoring what you want to say. Like when Norm did the dad jokes at the roast, like he just you enjoy watching somebody not panic when the audience isn't accepting them or giving them acceptance because that's I think what we all aspire to as comedians is how pure can I be? It's kind of like we were talking about with with Louis about you like how much can I just be me and not give a [ __ ] what the audience thinks and I think that those guys are extreme examples of that. It's like crazy. It's like to the professionals it's crazy.

Yeah. And self-sabotaging and there's some meta enjoyment out of that's unbelievable. Or they are y like I mean when Brody we took Brody to do Conan as part of the documentary, but he also really did Conan and and they let us film it which was very cool of them. They didn't have to. But when his joke didn't go well and this is going to air on TV. I mean, they might have cut this one out, but he did a joke that of course didn't go well. And then Brody screams at the audience. He's like, "Come on, people. I've done table reads on this lot." Like, like, like, you're in Illinois watching this on TV that night. You're like, "What?"

And then, and then he'd almost be his own warm-up. Another joke. Same set. Another joke didn't go well. He's like, "If you hear them laughing over there, laugh over here."

It was crazy. He might have been the best of that example. I watched him audition for Montreal one time and he told us for a joke and it didn't go over well and he goes, "All right, let's be honest. I'm not getting Montreal. This is now a workout set." I mean, he was just

one of his greatest openers I ever saw was he came out and he goes, "I didn't like you first." That's his opening sentence.

I didn't like you first. I got, you know what I got to do sometimes? Cuz I feel like podcast listeners or or YouTube, I don't know whatever this is anymore, YouTube listeners or what I I really don't know what this is. uh they go, "Who is this? I don't know this person." Yeah.

And I I feel like at the very beginning I should put I should we should do a freeze frame and put your names and then list everything you guys have done because the [ __ ] you guys have done and the careers you guys have had is I mean staggering in my opinion. The work that you guys have done is insane to me in in my opinion.

Do you want to cut this and put it up front? Sure. Uh, so I'll start talking then I'll freeze as if it's you really froze it and you'll put it under me. So when I got my start

and then the thing that ended it for me just write Ellen. Allen. We both worked on Ellen at the same time and he came on and he and he and he goes uh he was up for the job and he goes uh he goes oh he goes you know I'm up I'm up for a job working at Ellen. And I said oh cool. He goes, "I'm going to mention your name." I go, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not going to help you. I'd been there for 2 years and I was almost out."

No, I was told it was the happiest place on earth. So about about literally that's what that's what the EP who brought me over, we had worked together and she's like dying to get me over there. So then I go in her office, not making any of this up, and I was there about a week. I'm like, "Uh, since when on the h at the happiest place on earth do people cry every single day?" cuz that was happening. I go, Melissa, who I don't think I will give her away. She was a segment producer. She was cried every single day across the hall from me. And I'm like, what is happening here?

Can I get another cocktail, Rachel? It was like, remember broadcast news? Was that the one where Holly Hunter would cry every day? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But women crying on sets kind of [ __ ] isn't it? No. Guys were How many times have I made you cry?

A lot. Like ballpark it over the years. Over the years. I've known you for how long? 12 years.

How many times have I made you so much? I mean, you're going to cry right now, I feel like.

Yeah. Jesus. Second. She cries. She cries second time today. Really? Yeah. Oh, really easy. And there's a at a certain point I would go, "God damn it, Stacy. Don't [ __ ] do it." And she'd be like, "I can't help it." You know, I can't help it. It

Wait, because you're mean to her? No. No. You don't want this on camera, do you?

No. She's She still works with me. This is your future P. Diddy documentary right here.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Oh man. No. Uh when we first started working together, there's Look, we were both young in te in the in the kind of television we were doing where we didn't really know what we were doing. We were sent out and we were like, "Yo, can you make a TV show?" And you're like, "Sure, I guess." And then it would be like she'd get seasick and then she'd be like, "All right, segment's over." And we're like we're like, "Hold on, Stacy. It's just cuz you Why don't you take a boat in?" She's like, "No, we got it. We got it. We got it." I go, "We haven't even we haven't caught anything." She goes, "Don't matter. Doesn't matter." I can put it together. And then I get upset. I GO, "WHOA, GET THE [ __ ] GO GET in the other boat." She's like, "Don't do that." And I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] Stacy."

And then there's a couple times where it's my fault. A lot of times, but uh I've been I've uh Wait, did you have a miscarriage when we worked together?

Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Jesus. Okay. I had two miscarriage. Are you trying to get her to cry now? That's the goal.

No. I had two miscarriages with women I worked with that on the second one I go maybe it's me

like it's just not that big of a deal like the first one the first one I hope she's cool with me this we we were in Vegas and I was terrified to do this ride I didn't want to do this [ __ ] jump off the stratosphere so I go over to the next that morning and I knock on her door we were next door to each other and I was like I go hey I need to [ __ ] talk to you and she goes it's not a good time and I was like it is a good time I'm going through some [ __ ] she goes Me, too. And I was like, I don't want to do this [ __ ] ride. She goes, I had a miscarriage last night. I was like, I guess I'll jump off the stratosphere.

I worked with a host who was known for not being sensitive. I mean, that does not narrow it down at all, but like not very sensitive and all that and very not in tune with other people. So, anyway, I

guess I know. No, there's no guessing. And so, uh, it's everybody I've ever worked with. So, I go in because we were trying to get pregnant forever, my wife and I. And all of a sudden I get a hysterical call at work.

Everybody was trying to get that she miscarried. And so I had never missed a day and it was like a whole factory. It was like a you know it was a it was a an hour every night. Anyway, I go in I go listen I go I've never done this and even being sick. I go I've never missed a day. I go I have to go home now but I've set up like everything's taken care of. I have captains taking care of everything. You're totally take care of it. He's like and what is it? I'm like oh my wife miss her. He's like oh oh my god. He's like that's that's the worst. And he's like, "Uh, I'm so sorry." And I, it was un very surprising. Like, it really distracted me even. And so, I got in the car and I even mentioned it to my wife.

I'm like, he was actually very, very understanding and supportive of all this. Daniel was not his typical Daniel.

I get to work the next day and the assistant goes, "What did you say in there uh yesterday before you left?" I'm like, "Why?" He's like, "Well, because he came out of his office and he goes, "What's a miscarriage?" No. Oh my god.

But I think he just read on my face that Wow. Gibbons is going home. I've never seen that.

So much. Well, I'll tell you the day I Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me get this Let me break this up real quick.

Yeah. I could do a podcast with you guys every [ __ ] day. Oh, this is great. I I honestly I And I'm glad we got this audio covering this up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are my two favorite. You make me giggle harder than anyone.

So much fun. I don't know if there are people like you still out there. We'll ask Bert. Yeah. Who like

do you still have the uh don't spoil it? Like basically the DVR mentality. So he's in a lot of our like group chats

and everyone's like, "Oh my god." And this is like after a game a while. And he's like, "No spoilers." And it's like, "What?

Wait, wait, how long?" like it's Wednesday and we're talking about Monday Night Football. No, no, it's not that bad. But it's hours later and he's like, you just can't talk about anything. How many things do you watch on delay? And how do you It's everywhere. It pops up on New York Times alerts.

The greatest joy in this world is to spoil it. Yeah. There was there was uh there was a book that my roommate in college, Mike Osborne, was reading and I go, "Cool book." I go, "What's that?" And he's like, "Oh, it's u it's a thriller. It's like a who done it." And I went, "Oh, nice." And my buddy Charlie goes, "Oh, I read that." I said, "Is it good?" He goes, "It's [ __ ] amazing. The end's great." And then Mike goes, "Don't don't spoil it for me." And he got out of the room and I said to Charlie, I said, "What happens at the end?" And he goes, "Oh, it turns out it was the wife the whole time." So I went to our house phone in our fraternity house and I called my room and Mike answered it and I go, "It was his wife."

And I hung up. Such a good friend. Such It's such a great It's such like a like I don't know if I It's like I'm so glad I was born a man.

Yeah. Because I don't know if that I don't know if that translates like that like it's like the punch. It's like tapping someone in the neck.

Oh, totally. Yeah. Uh it's Baretti then did a routine about this about how little he knows about history and then so like so I think it was Pearl Harbor he but it really did happen to me when I went so from Greece I went to boarding school and with all these preppy kids like from Connecticut from all over and I was so intimidated and it's the first week and I didn't know a soul there and then they're like oh we're having a movie night Saturday night and they're trying to like help morale and a lot of kids are homesick and so I'm in 10th grade this is really I'm admitting too much here. But I go I'm like, "Oh, I'll go." And it was Gandhi and Gandhi had like just been out in theaters and stuff. And so I'm like, "Oh, I'll go that." So I'm like, "I'll see that. That's apparently going to win you won all the awards." So I get lost on my way there because I don't know where the [ __ ] I am. I'm alone. So I

then go in alone and people are like, "Oh, hey Mike." You know, they might recognize me from orientation. I sit down. I missed the beginning of Gandhi. And now I'm watching Gandhi and I'm like this is is the most [ __ ] I am so illiterate from the public school system in Greechester and I'm around all these I'm so intimidated and it comes to the end where the guy walks up to him and shoots him and I'm LIKE WHAT THE [ __ ] like he dies like I literally it was the most embar idiot like me all everyone had already seen him being shot. He gets shot and then it goes, "Oh, 30 years earlier."

And then it builds up to the shooting again. But I also did not know how Gandhi ended the person. I did not know that ending. And it was just so for the basically for three years I was still like I'm the idiot that doesn't belong here at all. They all know I didn't know how Gandhi ended. That's incredible.

Um Oh, this is looking good. Yeah. And then don't forget we need How's this? Oh yeah, that looks good. I don't know. There we go.

Oh, that's crispy. It might be. I I'll give you a second more. Good oven, my man.

Pork belly. You know what? [snorts] Don't forget you need to get the oven back.

No, I gave you a different oven. The one I gave you was green. Really? Yeah. That might be at our house.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's at our house. So, this mixed up. All right. Oh, so Bert, I started telling you a story a while ago, and you said, "Save it for the podcast."

What was Yeah. What was it? All right. So, I go to Alaska. Oh, wait. Hold on. Is this the one that you It's out.

Oh, sorry. Edit it out. I MEAN, LITERALLY, WE'RE SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT spoilers and then he tells the end of my story.

Just edit it out. Just edit it out. Wait, do you have any good stories to tell, Greg? Do you have any good stories to tell?

Have you done this before? Have you host a podcast before? So, uh, so I was in Alaska and, um, and I go up and I' I've got a day off when I get there. And so I say to the guy that runs the theater, I want to do something fun. You know, it's like October. He goes, "Yeah, there's this guy. He's got an outdoor company in town. Big fan of yours. Wants to take you out and do something." I say, "Great." And now I'm kind of nervous cuz I grew up in New York and I live in LA. I'm a [ __ ] I'm not like an outdoorsy guy.

But you are adventurous. I'm adventurous. But you're one of the reasons I wanted to surf.

But this guy's a real aggro. This guy's like uh, you know, snowmobile hunting, like all this [ __ ] dries his own elk meat, all that stuff.

Right. So, he pulls up and he's got this monster truck and he's got a trailer behind it with like a dune buggy covered in mud. And I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna I'm getting I'm going to get wet today. I'm going to end up cold, probably injured." So, I get in the car and we start driving and he's the most normal mellow. He's about to retire. Very cool guy. And I go, "All right, I'm good." And then the siren goes off and we get pulled over by a cop. And he goes, "Oh, this is bad." And I was like, "What do you mean this is bad?" He's like, "This is bad."

I go, "You didn't do anything wrong." I go, "You weren't even speeding." He goes, "This is bad." So I was like, "What the?" So this state cop walks up. He's about 6'4. As he walks up to the car, I swear to God, every word of this is true. The guy hands me a baggie with white powder in it and he goes, "Hide this." And some of it spills on my pants. So, I shove it under the seat and the cop walks over and he goes, "License and registration." So, the guy goes, "Uh, grab my uh registration out of the glove box." So, I open it up and a baggie with pills and $100 bills pops out. So, I shove it back in with my hand and I cover it with some paper. And the cop goes, "What are you hiding?" I said, "Nothing." He goes, "What are you hiding?" So, now I'm an accomplice to whatever's going on. I don't even know that I don't know 20.

So, I take out the bag of drugs. I hand it to the cop. And then the cop says, "Both of you, put your hands on the dashboard."

Are you? He takes the guy's license. He goes back to the car. He runs it. He comes back up

and he says to the guy, "You know, you have two felony warrants out for you right now." And the guy goes, "Yeah." I was like, "Yeah." And then he goes, "Are there any uh firearms in the car?" And I'm thinking, "Definitely. and the fire there are. And so the guy goes, "No, I don't have any firearms." And so he uh takes my guy out of the car and he cuffs him and and all I'm thinking is I got a [ __ ] show tonight. He takes him back to the car. I take my hands off the dashboard and he screams, "Put your [ __ ] hands back on the dashboard." So put him back.

HE GOES, "YEAH, HE'S JUST you're just you're JUST IN THE CAR. I'm hiding drugs in the car." And so now he walks back up and he goes, "Uh" he goes I go, "Can I just tell you?" I go I go, "I just met this guy 20 minutes ago. I'm a comedian. I'm up here doing a show." He goes, "Where are you from?" He said, "Calor." He goes, "I'm not buying your story." I said, "What do you mean?" He goes, "Well, California for Oh, for He also said, "Where'd you get those drugs?" I said, "From the glove compartment." He goes, "No, he said they're yours."

Wow. What a [ __ ] dick. So, he goes, "Uh, he goes, I don't believe your story because California is a drug feeder state, whatever that is." and you say you're a comedian, but you're not funny. And I was like, I'm supposed to be funny? And so he tells me to step out of the car. We walk back to the other car. He opens the back door. My guy gets out. They both start laughing and they go, "We'll see you at your show tonight." It was a [ __ ] Alaskan prank. The last place in the world I would have guessed a prank of that caliber would be perpetrated.

How [ __ ] brilliant. How I fell down on the ground. I'm on all fours. I got tears coming down. I'm laugh. I don't know if I'm laughing or crying. I was so [ __ ] nervous. And uh and then they So these guys take me out and they go to uh we go to this bar

and it's an ice. You ever heard of these places? They're made out of ice. It's like a building made out of ice and the bar is made out of ice.

Igloo. Yeah. Yeah. These new things and they sat there and structures. They drank like five Appleinis and then they drove and then I had to get behind the wheel because he was too drunk to drive. And then they came to my show that night and the cop and him sat there drunk and heckled me throughout my whole show.

That is the greatest. Yeah. I don't know. You haven't said anything funny. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

I know. The movie version of that would be like, "All right, get my license registration out of the glove box. You open the glove box. There's a gun. You take it. Shoot the cop."

That would have been [ __ ] Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Dude, it's a prank, man. It's a [ __ ] prank.

That's my friend. Not anymore. Well, what I said to the I what I said to the cop was, "If you wanted to really pull a prank when you were coming up at the end, you should have told me what was really happening and I would have sprinted off into the woods pretending I was running."

Oh my god. Yeah. Prank. Prank the other guy. Yeah. God damn. That's a good [ __ ] prank.

I'm not good with pranks. Oh, in what way? I'm not I I I I make me uncomfortable.

No. sometimes, especially when you're taking the piss, like when it's dealing with the public. A lot of people don't have the nerve for that.

I don't have the nerve for it. I can't do it to people. Like Borat, like I I just can't even believe what he does.

Yeah. We met him, me and Patrice met him outside a show and he was this guy, you know, like what's that [clears throat] guy's name?

Yeah. Oi G. Ali, he was Olly G. And he was like saw Patrice and he was like whatever he did, you know, and Patrice was not having it. He's like, "Who the [ __ ] are you?" And and he's like trying to talk slang, like hip-hop slang to Patrice. And Patrice is like, and then I think if it was Russell Peters came up and was like, "Oh, it's he's Sasha Baron Cohen. It's a it's a character." I think, you know, it's so funny. I met Russell Peters like 27 years ago or some [ __ ] with Patrice. And when Russell was like just hustling and he was the hardest hustler I've ever seen, but he I think he knew who he was and was like, "Oh, no. It's a character. It's an act.

It's not a real person." And Patrice was like, "Okay, what is Sashi Baron Cohen doing now?

He's divorced. He He did a serious acting. He did a serious acting role. And uh uh I think comedy might be

a stronger suit for him." For real. Yeah. Oh, right. He did one of those. It was like rich porn shows that everyone loves watching and it was with uh Kate Blanchett was his wife.

Yes. And it was in London. Like in other words, there are these shows where it's like the most unbelievable New York City apartment. And they call it kind of like there's another word for it, but it's like rich porn. It's like people are just watching it because it's the sexiest in terms of the best car

in terms of the wealth and the style and like all of that stuff. So they had the most unbelievable flat in London and uh but Ket

Yeah. Their son dies, he drowns. Is it comedy? No. She's so [ __ ] amazing. That's the only reason she is not amazing. But he was pretty good. I thought he was okay.

No. Okay, Kate Blanchhat's pretty [ __ ] awesome. She's the best. She's unbelievable.

She's the best. I had uh Well, never mind. That's not as good. I was about I had a dream that uh that someone had told me Leanne I could have sex with him and I was like, "What?" They're like, "Lean Green lit it." And I thought it was Kplay and Ch, but it was Chelsea Handler.

Not as great. Worst ending to a story ever. No, but I love Chelsea, but it's I I I it's I just was I was like, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah. Inc. I'm in there. Was it Norm's joke about when he was married, they had their hall, what's it called? The hall pass. Drop these up.

And the hall pass was like, he's like, my hall pass was like, you know, uh like the hottest,

Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie. And then um her my wife's hall pass was the gardener and his brother. Do you think that do you think that with internet comedy being so big and so many people like like influencers being considered comedians for the most part? Uh do you think that we're going to lose the great comedy stories? Remember when you started comedy and everyone you had a great comedy story about everyone? Do you remember like the Red Grant going on Red Fox going on stage?

Oh yeah. Wait, what's that one? Do you think you've never heard that one story?

I don't know. I've heard of a great Red Fox about his writers, but wait, what's this one?

Hold on. So, Red Fox is doing a show in Vegas. You You had [clears throat] to have heard this.

All right, maybe. And uh and um and Billy Crystal's hosting for him and they're like, "Yo, just you know, Red's still at the table. He's gambling. He'll be here in a second. You might need to go long." Billy Crystal's young. And he's like, "Don't worry about it." So they bring Billy Crystal out. He does like 10 minutes. And they're like, and they look at him from the side. They're like, "Stretch." So he's like, "20 minutes." And they're looking at they're like, "Stretch." And then they look at him. He's now at like 354 minutes. And they're like, "Stretch." At an hour 15, people start leaving. They're like, "Well, this is bullshit." And it gets down to the place where there's only like out of a room of 500 people, now there's only like 130 people left. And then Billy gets the light from the side.

He looks over and they're like, "So he, okay, ladies and gentlemen, the man we all came here to see, the man we've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen, put your head hands together for the great red fox." And the band goes

Red Fox gets to the microphone, looks around, he goes, "Fuck this. I ain't performing for 130 people." And starts to walk away. And the band goes, Oh, that's perfect.

I'm not sure these are going to be edible. They're really dope. Uh, do you know, and I don't even know if it's true, but I've heard it a million times, the story where he fired all his writers on a sitcom on on Sanford and Sun.

No. So, he the one of the first times they obviously the pilot was picked up. They're doing it. Maybe they're at some point in season one, he um he sees he has all the writers. He's like, "Oh, I want to meet all the writers." So all the writers come down to the stage or whatever and he sees them and they're all these white Jewish guys. I've heard this

and he's like, "What the fuck?" He's like, "We're doing Sanford and son. Like, are you kidding me?" And all he's like, "You got to we got to be more real than this. You got to get some like black writers in here and all that stuff." He's like, "You got to fire them." He's like, "I'm sorry, but this is just wrong and I feel like a bit of a like a Charlotte in here." So anyway, so they hire they try to find as much at that time like as many ethnic and diverse writers as they can. They do it. They get the first draft of the next week's script and uh Red Fox reads it and he comes in and he puts the script down. He's like, "Give me my Jews back.

Give me my juice back. Will we ever have comedians like that? Like dangerous comedians that are like [ __ ] trying to get cancelled and you know,

I mean it things are getting Listen, we've been we've been saying it for years that no matter what your racket is, even if you're like in advertising, right? Like if you're like like our plus one like Gubbins, like if you're a commercial actor, you used to get a national ad that could if you lived modestly, that could be a year then of auditions and you could focus on becoming an actor and focus on your craft because you had a national ad. Well, those no longer exist. And in every business, the suits have figured out how to keep all the money. Like whether it's music,

dude, music, television, anything like that, the suits always figure out how to keep all the money.

No podcasting. Now it's like you got Ted Dansen has a [ __ ] podcast. Like all these agencies and management companies go like, "Wait a minute. How is it that Bird Chryser is not paying us 10% of this monster show? Why isn't Joe Rogan paying William Morris?" And they go, "How did this slip past us? What the fuck?" So now they are controlling podcasting because they come to people like Ted Dansen and Will Arnett and they're like, "All right, we got you a deal."

Yeah. And now they own a now they own the podcast and now they and then and then you know Ted Danson's an employee of CA all of a sudden.

Dude, podcasting. I was explaining to someone the sexiness of podcasting and that I don't know. I'm also a little shortsighted. I think a little bit, but I was explaining.

I think the opposite actually, especially when it comes to podcasting. What do you mean that he's fast-sighted?

No, I I saw podcasting as like I thought as like I went into the radio stations and I was like, there's so much overhead here. I'm going to cut out all these mini these people and just make my money, right? My money. $800 investment, $1,500 a read. I just need one woman I may cry once a week.

Yeah. I need one moment I may cry. That's it. And then and today I walked into radio and I went I never saw it that it that podcasting could be this big. I should have looked at it the flip side. I I walked in radio and I went they're still open. I never realized podcasting could be this. I thought podcasting was a way to just make better money than the DJs.

Yeah. I didn't realize there was a business associated with it that I wasn't. you own the business other it's independent though you did see that

I did see that now now here's the thing I I love what you're saying because certain companies I won't name them but certain companies are now

serve yourself first certain companies are are doing crazy business as and and you named them is doing crazy business just bleeping the name And I've done some of their shows and you don't realize that that's just a corporation that came in and started something. It was a paycheck and they're like, "Yeah, they don't run it. There's a company that runs it here. Wait, wait, hold on. I got to give you a little bit of this on here."

There's a company that runs it and runs it very well and they get a paycheck just like a TV show. That's all they needed. They didn't need Oh,

and then um do you want to drizzle this on or just I'll drizzle it. I'll drizzle it.

Okay. And so I'll shoot one. Oh, I'm in the middle of a rant here. Don't cry. Keep it together. Keep it. Just 15 more minutes.

So, but I didn't realize like like it's not like it's not like Rogan, you know, like Rogan is that's his

Yeah. Those that's his entirely like that is it's crazy that the Golden Globes ignored that.

Oh, you know like where you go the Golden Do you need to drizzle one? I'll just No, I'll just take this one while you drizzle the others.

So, I'm working on the go. So, I'm headwriting the Golden Globes. Yes. And uh I don't want to date this podcast. But anyway, uh nominations were just announced. Golden Globes are coming up and the joke is now like and there's a new category best podcast that voted for Kamla. Like that's really what it is.

It really is. Wait, there's a podcast in the Golden Globes now. A podcast category?

No. Oh. Oh god. And it's it's it's some really good ones. Yeah, it is. But then but ultimately it's not the ones that are the most popular. It's not like the ones that are like

like crazy crazy popular. They've kind of been ignored. So I don't know. Oh, it's kind of fascinating here.

Thank you. Look at this. Um, hopefully it's good. Hopefully I would go for the smaller pieces of pork belly first.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Pork belly is pretty good, man. Where did you get Where do you have a go-to place?

Asian market. They know me by name. Hey, go to that white guy. Sandra, how do you say white guy in Vietnamese? It sounded very offensive.

Oh, that's good. Oh my god, it's so good. I told you once uh I was on a late night show and um Robert Duval comes in, right? And during a commercial break, we're talking and it was Kilborn and Kilborn's like, "Hey, do you want to go? There's a steakhouse." He's like, "Mastro, he's" like, "Oh man, Mastros is so [ __ ] bullshit." And it was the greatest thing hearing Robert Dval say that. And he's like, "There's no there's no more." He's and he named a couple of steakouses that closed in LA that he loved and he literally took out of his wallet. In his wallet, he had like six of them. He had and I wish I kept it. He had a place in Kansas. He goes, "This is where you need to get your meat." He's like, "This is the" He goes, "I've tried them all." And it was a Kansas City steakhouse. I or or like ranch, I mean.

Yeah. and you could get them delivered and uh so I bet we could work backwards and find what that is. But I would take Dval's recommendation on that.

Um is it Omaha Stakes? What's that? Was it Omaha Stakes? No, that's Nebraska, man.

Wait, go back to [clears throat] So if we're losing movies and movie theaters, we're going to lose Golden Globes. Golden Globes is just like they just sign it like people buy it and then they sign a deal for it.

Pensky, right? So someone goes like I could buy the Golden Globes and then I could do the Golden Globes.

Is this after they got cancelled? They got taken off the air because there was no white voters or there was no

Well, Dick Clark production was still involved and I believe it's a co-production or maybe Dick Clark production still does the physical production

and maybe you're right. Pensky owns it. I'm not sure. But yeah, I mean it's a whole now. God, I hope I'm not talking out of school here.

Don't worry, we can edit anything out, but keep going. No, you don't have to edit it out, but I don't know. Well, I should just leave this part in. I don't know if what I'm saying is true.

I heard that the pod when the podcast nominations came out, I was so confused. And it's like, well, they didn't pay like Theo didn't pay a hundred grand to the Globes.

That's what it is. So, so they have you can buy in ads to their to Deadline. So, they own Deadline 2.

Wow. Okay. Also, I don't know what I'm talking about. I read an article today. We should put that You should put that on top of every podcast.

Should be the name of my podcast. I don't know what I'm [clears throat] talking about

and mostly I talk about myself. The But Ben Shapiro bought a bunch of those ads hoping he'd get a Golden Globe.

Oh, still didn't get a Golden Globe. They're so dumb for not including him. They didn't him. What's the beautiful chick that [ __ ] told her kids she's

handler? No, she is beautiful. No. Uh Megan Kelly. Oh yeah, bro. I could sit through her politics.

But can you want to talk about Jared Kushner? Whatever. I don't even know who that is. Cool.

But as a headwriter on the Globes, do you know how badly is Leand still in a meeting? What's that? What's that? The Riad comedy. Yeah, I'll never Whatever. I don't give a [ __ ] Hey, someone tag that out. Clip that out and send it to me and Kelly.

I almost spit. I need another drink. So, wait. Keep going. By the way, the the the the pork turned out pretty good. I'm shocked.

It's delicious, by the way. This is a delicious meal. So, no. As headwriter or the gloves, you know how badly I want Ben Shapiro in that room? Are you kidding me? The whole room wants that guy in there. Or even Rogan, you know what I mean? Like Rogan lends itself to so many great jokes.

But Shapiro, get this. One of the writers told me, they're like, "You want to know who breaks down and is a huge fan of Wicked?" Which I haven't seen either one. They're like, "Ben Shapiro?" I'm like, "What are you talking about?" He was a musical theater Ben Shapiro was a musical theater kid. And then he breaks down in a like 20 or 30 minute. You can go check it out now. It's on YouTube. Like a 20 or 30 minute video breaks it down and it's like it's the most confusing thing.

It's like when you find out Hitler really liked dogs and was kind of vegetarian. You're like that does not compute at all. That does not work for me at all. And Ben Shapiro is very into musicals.

You hang on. Is there still stuff in that and Wizard of Oz? Okay. Um Mike, do you want another?

So wait, can I tell you? I'm okay actually. Thank you. Can I tell you uh appreciate it

like a not secret but a secret. I secret I would never share this with people but I will share it with you guys and the world.

Oh so Variety came out with their predictions for Golden Globes and out of all the specials mine was predicted to be nominated and and I' I've never cared about a Golden Globe. I've never cared about any of that [ __ ] Means nothing to me because it doesn't mean ticket sales on the road. That's all that matters to me is are people coming to my shows. That's all that [ __ ] matters to me. I woke up at 6:00 in the morning to see if I got nominated for it.

I [ __ ] woke up and when it didn't happen, my heart dropped and I went, I don't care about this [ __ ] But it's so funny how like how everyone and I just I've always said this like I always mean to say this where people hear this and remember it's inclusive. But like

ultimately we're all Karens. Everyone's a Karen. Don't ever underestimate your Karen ability of going like I'll call the [ __ ] cops. I I called the cops on a [ __ ] moving truck one time cuz I had ice cream in my truck. I mean, like I like everyone's a Karen. Every And everyone wants acceptance and and as much as I swore up and down I wasn't going to get it the second that I got mentioned as a prediction, I was like and then and then and then I mean I think Janine or not Janine, I think Sarah should win. Sarah had the best special.

Sarah Silverman did. Oh, I didn't even see it. really so good. Oh, so good. It's all about her both her parents dying.

Wow. I It's so good. And it's it's like it's everything you want a special to be. And and by the way, I just to someone trying to figure out my next hour is such a departure from her regular standup. It's such a growth.

I said this to her, but it's such a growth of like storytelling and and but still holding on to the thing you love about Sarah, the like playful coinish and such a great special. She should win.

Wow. All right. But um is Jarvis is nominated which is interesting. Maybe he'll be in the room. Former host of the Globes.

Wow. And Nikki's hosting. Nikki's hosting. It's going to be [ __ ] huge. She was nominated last year but lost. What?

She have a new special this year. And that's the line we gave her when she after that category. Uh we had the VO go. And now your host again, uh one time Golden Globe loser Nikki Glazer. Um, what' you say?

Did she have a special this year? No, that was last year. They um, it's just coming out like now. I think you know what TV you know where the internet is so far ahead. This will this is a this will sound like a little bit of a stretch and I haven't thought it through but it's like TV doesn't understand like like so many I've been in a bazillion meetings where I'm like uh they're like that would be the worst thing ever. I'm like, "You mean the best publicity ever where people will hear of this show that no one's really going to hear about otherwise?" Like, I've said that my whole life and things and it's a little Have you seen the trick where on social media they'll intentionally mispronounce a name or get something wrong because it's a feast in the comments which generate there's probably a word for it that I'm unaware of.

Better does that. I've been doing that my whole [ __ ] career. I've been doing that my whole career. Tattoos benofleck.

Mhm. I started with nightmare. So, right. Well, you and I. Yeah. I said nightmare. And Immare. That's how I pronounce it. And I didn't know that it's nightmare.

And so, all of a sudden, the comments went crazy. And the second I saw that I was like, "All right, I can get the I can get the I can get the target off me by just mispronouncing a couple words." And then all of a sudden, everyone focuses on that [ __ ] word. Benofleck. I've been bench for [ __ ] 12 years.

Well, the Golden Globes little misprononunciation. It would be uh Ben Shapiro in the [ __ ] audience. Like, what don't you get about that?

I don't think I don't think traditional I think I think it all starts with BMW payments.

I'm listening. Everyone, there's a lot of BMW payments in a room. That's a funny line. I'm not listening.

I'm not listening. And when you and you think about people just got to cover their BMW payment,

right? They don't want to [ __ ] they don't want to lose that payment. And it's and it's and it's really like

I'm afraid to [ __ ] up. Like it's it's when you [ __ ] up and everyone looks at you, you're like, "Oh, so that's it for me." Can I tell you who uh I I I got to say this cuz I meant to I started this at one point and then I got to tell you the story I wanted to tell you at the beginning.

All right. So, we were I was talking to you guys. I started this and I stopped it, but about how comedy podcasts have changed. They're not as much comedy podcasts anymore as much as they are more um informational uh life-changing, you know, like more political, more like uh there it's it's and I'm

biohacking, life hacking. Yeah, life hacking. I'm not I'm not there's no slight. It's like but like uh I I haven't done like straight I haven't done I've been I think I forgot the purpose of me in media and I started doing some of that where I'd ask life advice and I'd ask you tell me how you got it I don't know whatever

and then I did a podcast with Todd Glass and it's no one's seen it no one's seen it is the greatest podcast I've ever done in my life because Todd Glass brings in a lantern like an oilbased lantern and then pulls up the wick and he goes you know if you turn this on in your house It feels like you have a campfire. And then he lights a pine cone. And he goes, "And if you burn this a little bit, it smell I was what I was talking about when you gave me that."

And then he goes, "Lower the lights down low and then put something on the on the TV that looks like it's out like it's snowing outside." And he goes, "Now," and he just does

it's imaginary time with Todd Glass for [ __ ] two hours. And I I got done that and I was like,

I think I've [ __ ] up. I think I've really [ __ ] up by trying to keep up with the Joneses and be intelligent and be this guy that I'm really not. like I'm just a regular [ __ ] guy. It changed everything the way I saw about podcasting and and the creativity that we have. And that's what I [ __ ] love about you guys is that you guys are just two friends who make each other laugh. There's and that is the best remedy in podcasting. Saman and and and Mark Norman do it. So many [ __ ] like the guy Le and the Skanks guys are just there to make each other laugh.

Santino and Bobby. Santino and Bobby are [ __ ] incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's I love I love that about podcasting.

Totally. Yeah. No, you get that there that you don't get anywhere else. No buddy podcast. It's just solo podcasts. Oh, no. I guess the I'm sure Jason Baitman and them got nominated.

They are nominated. Yeah. Which makes and also uh Polar so they're they're exes. So uh ex-husband and wife

are in the podcast category against each other. Polar Polar's podcast is actually really really good. She's She's the greatest.

Her podcast is really good. Like genuinely like Sebastian murdered on it. Oh, really?

Sebastian makes me giggle so [ __ ] hard. Like he is one guy that I think I came to late in life. I always liked him. I always thought he was a nice guy and stuff, but I don't think I got I need you to tell one story, too. Uh and then I'll tell my story.

All right. Uh I do want to ask you about Sebastian and the SNL because you have the same management.

Yeah. And I'm wondering how that's played because that could that like he was made fun like he was parodyied on SNL and there could be a bunch of different reactions and I think he was true to himself and all that but it like part of me was like that could really help him in a way.

It did. It massively did and his special came out I think the week before. Yeah.

And if I'm not mistaken Marcelo Hernandez reached out to him and Green asked him for his permission.

Oh interesting. The week before that, I said to Sebastian, "Does it bother you when people parody you?" And he was I think it's in a podcast. And he goes, "Kind of because it's not complimentary." Like, and I also I also have to say this, and I'm not whatever. I don't give a [ __ ] I do give a [ __ ] That's why I said I don't give a [ __ ] We're crazy. Yeah. But I don't like when people parody comics because they like uh someone did someone did a good friend of mine edit his name out. Mark Norman. You can't got to keep his name in so I'm going to do him right now and you're going to know who the [ __ ] it is. But someone did an impression of Mark Norman on stage and it was almost funnier than Mark Norman.

But they forget like cuz cuz you know Mark Norman. So when you hear Mark Norman you go that's a great Mark Norman. You forget that Mark Norman did the work to figure out Mark Norman. Like you forget all the

No, it's like a band playing a cover song and getting huge getting a reaction they would never get on their own.

Guns and Roses did Knocking on Heaven's Door and everyone's like, "This is a good song." They're like, "Hold on." They didn't [ __ ] write it. And so like with Sebastian, if you do an impression of Sebastian, it sounds brilliant, but you forget Sebastian did all the work to get there. Yeah.

And so I've always been rubbed wrong by impressions cuz I'm always like, "Yeah, but you forget of the guy that did all the [ __ ] shit."

Yeah. You're hijacking the the energy. Yeah. You're taking the essence. Yes. No. And I don't look I' there's certainly exceptions to this, but in general, I' I've always felt like that about impressionists.

You put it online, it goes viral, and then that that's the barometer. That's the barometer these days, which hey, whatever. But it's like,

how would how would the where would Brody land in all of this? Yeah. It's like the people we enjoy to watch, how would they [ __ ] fair? Broie did a joke. I remember him saying a new movie, 10 Things I Hate About You. I did a wrote a movie called 10 Things I Hate About Me. And it starts with I have hair on my penis. Not on the shaft. Not on the base of the shaft. Half way up. That's a great I miss Brody a ton. And that's a great way to end this. I miss Brody a ton. I I'm glad he didn't live through the pandemic. That would have been rough on him.

It was a little rough. But uh any more isolation now with the way the internet is and with Kill Tony, Brody would have been a star.

I know. I know. He would have been a star on Kill Tony. He would have been perfect.

He would have been perfect for Kill Tony. Yeah. God damn it. All right. Well, don't kill yourself everybody.

Uh thank you. Look at this. I mean, come on, guys. By the way, look at the [ __ ] vultures ready to [ __ ] p pound pounce.

So great, guys. Thank you so much. I love you guys so much. Thank you for having us on. my favorite guest without a doubt.

Every [ __ ] quarter you come over and we'll get TV will be changing. We'll keep talking about it.

I know. Let's be part of the new TV. [ __ ] yeah. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Spoilers, Torture + New Godzilla | Greg Fitzsimmons + Mike Gibbons | Something’s Burning | S6 E21"?

In order: 0:00 Harry Potter; 20:00 Frankenstein; 30:00 Frankenstein, DraftKings, Paul Dano; 40:00 Eyes Wide Shut, The Usual Suspects; 50:00 Dollywood; 1:10:00 Gandhi.

What is mentioned in this Bert Kreischer episode?

10 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Frankenstein, Gandhi, DraftKings, Dollywood, Harry Potter, Paul Dano. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Spoilers, Torture + New Godzilla | Greg Fitzsimmons + Mike Gibbons | Something’s Burning | S6 E21"?

The episode runs 1 h 52 min; the transcript is about 23,151 words in 480 timestamped sections.

More from Bert Kreischer

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.