Transcript

Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 4 min · 14,686 words · 497 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published August 1, 2025 (1 h 4 min, about 14,686 words). It mentions 7 people, works and ideas, including Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy, Umar, Alabama Slam, Allied, Cincinnati Beatdown.

What this episode is about

The discussion centers around a humorous and absurd hypothetical scenario where one individual contemplates getting sworn in as a deputy just to discharge a firearm, leading into a series of playful exchanges about jail life and the lengths friends would go for each other, including the outlandish idea of committing a crime to join the other in prison. The conversation highlights themes of loyalty, absurd friendship dynamics, and dark humor regarding legal repercussions.

Key takeaways

  • Sworn in deputies might have a taste for chaos, but firing a gun screams "bad idea"!
  • Starting a prison gang is easier than joining a book club—just watch who you punch.
  • Dr. Umar's school is still on the horizon; patience is a virtue, but fraud freezes accounts.
  • Online trolls wield more power than a deputy; beware the wrath of "Pass the Busussy"!
  • Mumble rap might dominate the academy, but surviving the class will require a masterclass in chaos.

Who speaks in this episode?

  • Matt (Guest) · 39 min speaking
  • Shane (Guest) · 26 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy, Alabama Slam, Cincinnati Beatdown, BetterHelp
  2. – 20:00: BetterHelp, Allied, Alabama Slam, Ocean Casino Resort
  3. – 40:00: Allied

Notable quotes from "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma"

  • But the thing that made me laugh, first of all, he's been doing a school for like 10 years, which is whatever. Everyone says it's a scam. I don't know. I don't know about the guy, but he's been doing a school for 10.
    about Umar · at
  • They're so good. But yeah, there's it's starting to take a pretty negative turn cuz he does have the Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy and people waiting apparently for 14 years for this thing to open in Wilmington, Delaware and it's.
    about Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy · at
  • The Cincinnati Beatdown sounds like it was WWF.
    about Cincinnati Beatdown · at
  • The Alabama Slam is have the anniversary is on Optimum Noctis.
    about Alabama Slam · at
  • Yeah, we're going to have to take a break. Millions have benefited from therapy through BetterHelp. It's convenient and based on the millions of glowing reviews and ratings. There's a reason people keep coming back or going.
    about BetterHelp · at
  • Oh yeah. Guys, this is very important. Please come to Ocean Casino.
    about Ocean Casino Resort · at
  • I'll tell you this, man. I saw the movie Allied recently. Has anybody ever seen this? It's Brad Pitt and the hot French lady.
    about Allied · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Umar — Person · Referenced internet personality / activist · 1 mention · first at
    Used as a comedic/current-events reference point: hosts discuss memes and controversy around his frozen accounts and the long-delayed opening of his proposed school.

Companies & orgs

Places & events

  • Alabama Slam — Event · Referenced incident · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as a notable altercation involving drunk individuals on a boat, leading to a physical confrontation.
  • Cincinnati Beatdown — Event · Referenced incident · 2 mentions · first at
    Discussed as a violent altercation that gained attention online, described as a bad look for those involved.

Media & podcasts

  • Allied — Media · Referenced film · 3 mentions · first at
    Discussed as a movie recommendation, described as a cooler version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith with a World War II setting.

Sponsors

  • BetterHelp — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a sponsor offering online therapy services, with a call to action for listeners to get a discount.
  • Ocean Casino Resort — Company · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a sponsor with a promotional call to action for an upcoming event at their venue.

Full transcript with timestamps

The wild wild west, you think I should take the sworn in as deputy for the day?

Yeah. Why wouldn't you? That's crazy. I as soon as I get sworn in, I'm going to discharge my firearm.

You have to straight into end up in jail. That'd be sick if you serve this [ __ ] sentence.

They'd have to The cops would have to defend me. They Yeah, they I mean to be picked up by their illegal.

They would go, "Don't worry, we got you." [ __ ] happens. [ __ ] happens all the [ __ ] time.

I just hope you don't get stabbed in jail. Yeah. I'd have to commit a heinous crime. I'd have to go on the inside with I can't Yeah, I can't let you in there alone.

Yeah, you wouldn't. I can't. I know you wouldn't let me in there alone. I would I'd have to I'd go I'd have to like punch a lady or something.

You have to do it. Fast track. I don't want to wait out a trial. Yeah, exactly.

You go, this is for my bro and just finally, dude, someone's yapping at you. You go, what you what the [ __ ]

It's interesting you say that. It's funny you bring that up. Just tell my wife like we're actually going to a Notre Dame game and just [ __ ] soccer. Like, I love you, babe. I'm sorry. You'll understand. One day you'll understand. Dude, what if you get into prison and I'm already running it and I just immediately trick you out, dude. I'm just instantly just like

I'd be one of your boys. No, I'd say you'd be my bottom boy. I'd say go. You thought you were doing me a favor. You came in. You got me at a bad time.

I get turned out. I'd turn you out. I go true. My trial will take Thanks for coming in here.

My wife would be like, "It's fine. Actually, I forgive him." I'm like, "Shut the [ __ ] up. I got to go to jail.

I got to join the Aaron Brotherhood machine. You got to join the Aaron Brotherhood. I love you, babe. One day you'll understand." Then I get in there. Yeah. And I just get turned out. You turn me out. Day one.

Turn you out. Matt, just let that guy plow. I'd have that [ __ ] picture of you and that dolphin hung up on my wall. Everyone would be using my room to jack off to that photo.

Uh yeah, I was uh I was Have you Have you like caught the thing with Dr. Umar and like his fact his account got frozen?

No. It's all It's on like online everywhere. But the thing that made me laugh, first of all, he's been doing a school for like 10 years, which is like, you know, whatever. Everyone says it's a scam. I don't know. I don't know about the guy, but he's been doing a school for 10 years and, you know, taking funding, all this stuff. But recently, cuz, you know, school year is coming upon us. He did a a a video from his car where he's like, "My accounts have been hacked. They're frozen right now. There's been fraud in my activity. I don't know what's going on." It's But he repeats, he says everything three times. He goes, "My accounts My accounts have been hacked, y'all. My accounts have been hacked, guys. My accounts have been hacked." And he goes to his next point.

Why do you get hacked? They're saying there's fraud on the account, which is kind of sketchy because if you have fraud on your account, they don't freeze your funds. Yeah. Typ I don't think they would. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

But the the the reason I'm bringing this up, he has there's two people, two online people, I think, who have been like trolling him and kind of like kicking this investigation off. One of the guy's names is Pass the Busussy. He says like three times he goes and I want to let you know it's like whatever the other guy's name is and pass the busussy federal charges can be brought against you. Federal charges can be brought against pass the busussy.

The people he's from Philly I think too from Philly. Yeah, that checks out. Yeah,

that checks out. But yeah, man. It's he seems like uh the man, dude. I always like him when I see

Seems like truly hilarious. When I see him on stuff, I always watch. But he's goofing.

How much do you think he's goofing? I think he's goofing a little. You see the memes about him catching people with snow bunnies? They're so good.

It's great. They're so good. But yeah, there's it's starting to take a pretty negative turn cuz he does have the Frederick Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy and people waiting apparently for 14 years for this thing to open in Wilmington, Delaware and it's

it's not opening. No, dude. Damn. 14 [ __ ] years. And you know, so but now someone [ __ ] hacked his account. So now the school's not gonna open for another year. It's [ __ ] pissing me off.

[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] pass the [ __ ] Pass the [ __ ] Knock it off. We're trying to get this school.

We need to go to FD FDM. You should We should move back and enroll. I want to go. I know.

I wonder if there's an age limit. We could Billy Madison, Frederick Douglas, Marcus Garvey Academy.

Yeah, you'd have to become a You have to face your mumble rap fears. They'd be all mumble rappers.

It's not. It' be non-stop mumble rappers. It'd be the Ian. It'd be the Marcus Garvey Mumble Rap.

I'd be Ian in there. Mumble rap academy. I mean, I hope he opens it up, man. Everyone's hating on him. Everyone's like, you know, calling him a grifter and [ __ ] saying, you know, he's he's just stealing money, but I'd like to see him open the school and shut down.

He deserves a little bread. He's giving us good entertainment. Yeah. Apparently, he's booking fee from what I heard. I tried to book him on the podcast and he was asking for racks on racks. Yeah, dude. That's at least what the booker was like. Yeah, you got to you got to pay him racks on racks. I'm like, "Can I just donate to the school?"

But now the account's [ __ ] frozen, dude. [ __ ] past the busy. Pass past the busy. Federal indictment if you get caught messing with the FDMG.

Stop. Knock it off. Pass the busy. Getting getting attacked by a guy pass the busy is so funny.

It The thing that was freaking me out though, like if you have fraud in your account, they don't like like, "Hey, no more money for you."

You know what I mean? Like if if someone like [ __ ] with your credit cards or your debit card. So it

could be that like he might I don't know because it does freeze your account. That always sucks.

Yeah. Like there's something fraudulent going on. We shut down your debit card. You're like

does it free? See, I only ever had it on my credit card. Well, either one. Yeah.

Okay. What the [ __ ] Dang. That's one card. Yeah, true. He was saying both. He has account for the school and a personal account. Both are shut down right now. So, you know, thoughts tease and peace, too. Tease and peace go out to tease and peace, dude. To the good doctor. Tease and peace to the prince of panafricanism.

Yes. His words. That's what he calls himself. He calls himself. Yes, dude. He is

following Gaddafi's steps. He what? He's falling in Gaddafi's steps. Pan Africanism.

He is. He is genuinely very Everything I watch him on, I'm like, I love it. I love watching him just bate people for snow bunnies.

Yeah. And also, yeah, sometimes it's very fun when people are racist against white people. It's

It's fun to watch. You go, look at that. That's fun. I any I'm a sucker for any

unless it's the Cincinnati Beatdown. What's the Cincinnati Beatown? Oh, you're on X. Get off of X.

The Cincinnati Beatdown. It's so funny. When will it stop? The The C Don't give it a name.

I know. The Cincinnati Beatdown sounds like it was WWF. The Cincinnati Beatdown.

Was that the couple that left the Jazz Club and the lady? It's just that Cincinnati Beat Down got they got [ __ ] up.

Dang. It was really, really bad. It looked bad. I I only ever saw the one still image of the lady.

Oh, no. It was rough. Very bad. She looks dead. Yeah. She got [ __ ] cracked. Jesus Christ.

The Cincinnati Beatown. Yeah. My my I made the mistake of going on Axe during the CB and I'm like

Yeah. And it's Man, they're radicalized. They're trying to radicalize me, man. Yeah,

they really are. But they get they get everyone on that. I just saw some other videos.

What's just the reverse, you know, just like we're we're done being pushed around. This is what happens.

Yeah, true. You're going to get a Cincinnati beatd down. I mean, the that should be a national holiday. When When did the boat fight happen?

The boat fight. The Alabama boat fight. How did the boat fight not get a cool nickname? Alabama Slamama. The Alabama Slamma the Bow Foot

Alabama Slam. Yeah, that was that was a big win. That was their Boston Tea Party. They're just

They were throwing whites overboard. Oh, the the That was the Arizona Tea Party. That was the Arizona Tea Party.

The Alabama Slam is have the anniversary is on Optimum Noctis. Oh, nice. Yeah, you got to have to celebrate by throwing guard dog over

off the stage. Make me walk the plank. Get off. You got to walk the plank. All the pirates got the booty.

I got to be honest, that one that was a tough day for the whites. Oh, that was a tremendous

The Cincinnati The Cincinnati beatd down is just that's terrible. But the tremendous

the Alabama Slam Alabama Slam was crazy. That was a tough one. Just drunk white dudes.

Anyway, the white dude swam across. You remember that? [ __ ] black dude came out of the water.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, it was it was crazy. We thought we controlled the seas apparently.

We thought we controlled the sea. Yeah, that's that's safe. They're ch do's the best place to fight a black guy. You go, oh, you can't get me here.

So, it's the pit comes out of the water. You goat. [ __ ] Finish him. All you got to do is go,

no longer. No longer, dude. Oh, now you need my help. Fine, I'll save you. Yeah. What what kicked off the Alabama Slamama?

I think drunk people on a boat. Yeah, it was a powder keg down there. Yeah. Blasting scar.

Drunk white people on a boat. Black people I'm sure minding their own business.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. I'm sure they were minding their own business. Security.

Oh, they slapped a black security guard. Slapped a black security guard. I think was telling them they couldn't do what they were doing. like which was he probably was excited to do that.

Yeah, I will say as a white person is offensive when someone tells me I can't do it ever.

So that security guard's really that spans. Yeah, I know. I'll tell you who really hates it.

Cincinnati one was devastating though. That was That was a bad look. That's a bad look.

You know what's [ __ ] up is bad. There's no big fine. It's It's not good. Security guards aren't protected. Like if you beat the [ __ ] off a mailman, you get it's like a $40,000 fine.

Yeah. You can just smack a security guard. I mean, it's assault. Yeah. The worst case scenario could happen.

True. You trigger the Alabama. You're like the France Ferdinand of Alabama Slammer. I

mean, that was it. God, that would suck, dude. And they united forces. I don't even think they knew each other. The swimming guy, I don't think had anything to do with the security guy. He just he saw an injust like a Russian submarine.

He came out on the coast just waiting. This is an ad by BetterHelp. The help with the better.

There's a lot of misinformation on the internet. Oh yeah, you guys know that. Sean, you know that?

Yes. And from that talking point, my next thing is things that I've really struggled to find.

Yeah, that makes sense. There's a lot of misinformation on the internet. How much searching did I have to do before I found something that actually worked for me, if at all. Guys, I'll be honest.

I'm still searching for that. I'm still searching myself. Still searching for that something, man. You know what I mean? I'm really, really struggling.

I'm struggling. Oh, man. Instead of looking for a solution from questionable sources, sometimes it's better to just talk with a professional. Like if you're struggling with your mental health, a credentialed therapist can help you find a solution that works for you.

Yeah, that'd be nice. If you feel comfortable, talk about how you've benefited from therapy.

I'm not comfortable doing that. Yeah, I don't want to I don't I'm my anxiety spiking right now.

Yeah, I don't know why you would ask us that. That's not good for my mental health.

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The help with the better. Oh yeah. Guys, this is very very very important. Please come to Ocean Casino. Ocean Casino Resort, excuse me. I think I put Ocean Casino one time and they they want me to say Ocean Casino Resort. I will be there 8:16 2025 Atlantic City, New Jersey. It's going to be a very good time.

It's going to be a hoot. It's going to be a blast, man. Fresh off the race right to the show. It's going to be pretty nasty. So,

while you're there, August 16th. Mhm. Matt, I'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan at the Van Andal Arena. One of my bros, I think, is going to see who he's talking about.

Sick. Uh, also August 8th, I'll be in Louisville. August 9th, St. Louis. August 15th, Detroit. 16th, Grand Rapids.

Come on. And then August 23rd, Milwaukee's gone wild. Taking Midwest by storm. Might bring I might bring uh La Mer. See if he can

open up the group for him, dude. Yeah, you're right. You got some de you got some uh deets on the Alabama Slam.

Uh it says Okay, so it says some guys were holding up the boat on They're holding up the the river boat. It was a bunch of guys on the pontoon holding up the river boat and the river boat sent some guys down the there was obscene gestures sent towards the boat and then the boat

who was on the river boat I think that was the guy I think that was the slammer

I think that was the guy who got hit with the chair was the boat man oh yeah cuz wait wasn't the crew didn't the crew

I have you guys seen the Alabama slama video in a while no they push the security guard and then the security guard hits the Bobby throws his throws his head up from this guy and then squares like he's at graduation.

I saw I saw a Middle Eastern security guard get absolutely just crushed by a black guy recently. It was Tuesday. No, Monday actually. I was just like walking around on Sixth Street on Monday and a guy, it's like older black dude had a like just a tiny puppy on a leash and I came around the corner to him screaming at the security guard cuz the security guard I think attempted to pet his puppy and he goes, "How about I touch your [ __ ] daughters? You think you touch my dog? How about I touch your [ __ ] daughters? Touch your wife.

Touch all of your cousins." And he was going to [ __ ] try to touch that puppy.

I know. He was like looking around for support like you guys hear what I'm saying? I I kind of just like sat around just waiting like damn this is [ __ ] up. Just kind of listening.

You made neutral. I was I was Switzerland. I I was kind of like I didn't know if they're going to fight. This guy was pretty jacked, too. And I was like, [ __ ] dude. I might have

the puppy was jacked. I'm going have to take that puppy out of the battle in case the puppy gets hurt and just run away.

Yeah, he was the And then he beat the Wait, he fought. He beat him up. He didn't beat him up. He was He was nasty, barking at him, calling him a child molester after he said he would touch his kids, which I thought was kind of interesting. But

the guy cuz the guy did have funny glasses on, so he's like, "Look, a [ __ ] pedophile. What are you gonna do about it? He's trying to goat him into a fight and the guy was just going like, "Yeah yeah yeah yeah

man. Security on Sixth Street. You must get hit with that." He was like, "Oh, hotel hotel security just sitting

baking in the sun." Some guy was like, "We're my [ __ ] dog." This will be a nice moment.

Yeah, I will molest your children. I got called a pedophile. After the guy told me he'd molest my children, then he's like, "Yeah, you're a pedophile." It's like,

"Okay, yeah." He he just played it off. He kept being like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, buddy." And the guy was like, "Yeah, do something about it, pussy." And I was like, "Dude, this is a tough [ __ ] hell."

Sixth Street's so gross. Yeah, it was it was like hot. It was so hot out, man. When the air conditioning breaks in the comedy club.

Yeah. It's a recipe for a [ __ ] negative experience. He probably left. He's probably the early show.

Took his shirt off, went outside, and was like, "Fuck this, dude. Fuck." I uh I'll tell you this, man. I saw the movie Allied recently. Has anybody ever seen this? It's Brad Pitt and the hot French lady.

No. It was wonderful. What What do they do? It was so good. I'll just give you the beginning though. This is So, it's the hot French lady from uh Inception. You remember her at all?

Kind of. Yeah. She Anyway, if you saw her, you'd like it. But they they're both spies and they're in Casablanca in World War II.

What? And they have to pretend to be husband and wife. So, probably it's Dude, it's [ __ ] dream scenario.

It sounds like Mr. Mrs. Smith. Did you ever see that? Yeah. But it's like a cooler version of Mr. Smith.

It's kind of cool. I liked it a lot. That's awesome. I was surprised, dude. You should think about doing a I know you're all filmed out, but maybe do like a shock a lot. You should do like an intense romance film.

I was thinking about that. Were you really? Oh, yeah. That would be nice. I just need to make love on camera.

That's what I'm saying. So sick, dude. A bathtub sex scene. Centrally laying a woman down.

That' be so tight. Spend so much money, dude. You should spend so much money. Yeah, I can use all my money and make like

poly chocolot. Like you're just like a cool guy in tech who's poly and you just have sex with women the entire movie.

True. And in the end I should just spend a ton of money and make a Fifty Shades of Gray where I prematurely ejaculated.

Just the whole hit her with one whip and go, "Oh [ __ ] Don't [ __ ] tell anyone."

That would be so funny. the whole time you just get richer and richer and you just keep getting more and more [ __ ] Just keep rejacking faster. You start [ __ ] guys.

That would be a cool That actually would be a cool movie about like uh suburban swingers who get so deep in the scene that the husband starts doing gay stuff cuz that's kind of I think that's what happens when you swing. Everyone's like that'd be the life but I'm pretty sure you end up doing gay.

There's one more thing. Exactly. I think you're just in the mix of it. You're having sex with like a 52-y old lady from Florida. You're like, "This couldn't get any better."

And then like a six-year-old guy kisses your butthole. Yeah. Swinging is like swinging is disgusting.

Yeah, man. Go to [ __ ] swinger parties. Yeah, but he's single. Wait, how? He's just bowling. La Mer's just bulling out. He's single. Look at

the hat. He's got the knee bra. He's sending the signals out, dude. Yeah, rolling stag to a swingers party is pretty wild.

Yeah, I've never gone. Getting ripped off. You've went you've you I got ripped Yeah, I got ripped off.

You made the attempt. You've Yeah, you Milwaukee gone wild. Yeah, we were at that party years ago where you got in trouble for trying to

Oh, yeah. That was I wasn't trying to do anything, but like uh Sorry. Yeah, I forgot there was a party and uh it was How much can I say? It was funny.

It was like a I remember this. It was like a cool coke party and you try to start like bringing in like the typical swinger move being like

what are we like swingers here? No no no no. Wait, you were at a cool coke party?

Yeah. And in the backyard it was like a it was this guy and his wife. I think I was talking to the guy. I was like dude it was their house too.

Yeah cuz dude you're [ __ ] cool dude. You're like a bull. E. Cuz he was talking to other ladies like and his wife was around. I was like that's [ __ ] cool.

And what' he say? My wife [ __ ] out of my house. No, they just they didn't kick me out. Brad kicked me out.

Oh, it was in Philly. Yeah. Cool party in Philly. Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to be a hoop.

You called the guy a bull in his own house. It was at someone's house. Is it the house? Uh

it was out back. It was out back close to uh the club. No. Okay. He was in a guy's house and the guy was there with his wife and you complimented him on being like, "You probably cheat on your wife, dude. You're so [ __ ] cool.

You're so cool. That's awesome. You're probably a bull. That's [ __ ] 5:30 in the morning. 5:30 in the morning.

I'm sorry. I can cut that out if you want. All you hear are the birds chirping in the mayor being like, "How much do you [ __ ] other girls?" That's so [ __ ] cool, dude. Can I see your dick?

Damn, that's like that's such a nightmare being on the other end of that just high as [ __ ] on Coke and someone be like, "You probably cheat on your wife, dude. That's awesome. The [ __ ] Who is this guy?

What? What am I doing? Awesome. Who? Who else was with you? Us. Oh, it was you two.

Yeah. Was Nathan there? No. King Cobb. King Cobb. King Cobb was there. Damn. Yeah.

It's a good squad. Yeah. All the All the buddies were there. Nice. Damn. I also got kicked out at like 6:00 in the morning. I was ready to go home.

True. Yeah. Gardini, you guys, you're just crushing Gardini. Little play. Yeah. Yeah.

Little suffocation play. How was you and Keen just laying on guard? Gardini was just ass woripping.

Ass worshiping. Wait, how did you get kicked out though? Like was it aggressive or was it like

No, it was quite Brad came up to me and he was like, "Uh, hey man, I think you got to go. It's time for us to leave." I was like, "All right, cool." That was it. I was like, "I'm ordering an Uber right now."

And I just waited. Dang. 6 a.m. 6 a.m. You're probably ready to roll. I was ready to roll.

Yeah. There's That's breakfast sandwich. That was the perfect way to get get kicked out.

Perfect time to get kicked out of a party. 6:00 in the morning. Yeah. Might as well just let me leave on my own.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, cool coke party. Those those can go. Yeah, you're right.

I would like to see you swing, dude. I'd like to see you swing. I think I think out of all of us, you could handle the swing.

Mentally, I think you could handle it the best. No. Really? No, I don't think so.

I think it would bother me. What would get you down? Like you you love him more than me.

It's not your wife. [ __ ] dude. Still you would catch feelings. You're saying,

dude, come on, dude. Yeah, you'd catch feelings. Yeah. At the cool coke party. Swinger party.

The cool coke swinger party. Yeah. Apparently Tampa Bay is where it's at. Tampa Bay is apparently cough capital of the United States.

Yeah. Tampa and Arizona, right? Phoenix. Uh Scottdale, I think. I could see that.

Yeah. Yeah. I think New Jersey, too. New Jersey. Really? I don't know about that.

Yo, Sean's from New Jersey. Oh, yeah. True. I don't know. You think Italians would like that?

Yeah, dude. Of course. What? Italians are very territorial in nature. They would not like that.

They probably just like get together and like beat other guys wives instead. Swap.

Little wife swap. Yeah. What the [ __ ] This man of cut tastes like [ __ ] cement.

Yeah. I don't know you. You don't think your parents were swingers in New Jersey? My parents were definitely not swingers in New Jersey. That's great.

Empty nesters now. Not really. They got a lot of people coming through that nest.

The upside down. I really wish you would change. Sean, my parents aren't empty nesters yet, but yours are. And I'm just saying you should, you know, you should be like, "Guys, if you want to experiment, now's the time."

That would be nice. You should just give them a Yeah. Like maybe a handwritten letter.

Yeah. Just be like, "Guys, it's Send home and go, guys. I love you. No one's home now. Maybe you guys should start experimenting and doing things you've never, you know, you always wanted to.

Yeah. Open the relationship up a little bit. That's all. Yeah. You should suggest they open the relationship.

And then you can do covenant eyes with your dad and then you and your dad can share porn.

I'd rather not think about this. He's going to edit this out. We'll never know. We'll never know. Edit this out. I mean, your parents would think this is funny.

Can we be respectful about it? They love this stuff. Hello. Hello. All right. Obviously, we'll unfortunately edit this out.

We don't have to edit out. They like your parents. I don't want them upset. No, I look I'm just saying they have to give them the option. They don't have to do it. Just give them the option.

Yeah. I don't want to make them angry and I really don't want to make them horny.

Yeah. I I don't want them to get any ideas. But you have talked about it. That's also that's like you've brought this up where you're like, wouldn't it be cool if like my parents experimented?

Oh [ __ ] I was like, what? You were hammered. I don't think you remember. Yeah, you were so drunk.

You called You called You're like, "I'm going to call my sister and see what she thinks." I was like, "Shon, John,"

Yeah, we said no. Y'all nasty as hell. Just Josh and just Josh. Just Josh and just Josh.

All right. What else do you guys want? What else is going on besides our parents being Polly?

We have proof of uh Nate's Zest. What? That's a mean thing to bring up on What? What's the proof? It's all been funny games of deer, but that was a little too far.

What's the What's the proof of the zest? Yeah. The photo evidence that we got from the pub the other day.

When you when you took your penis out in Los Angeles and laid on the ground with your penis out.

What evidence? No, no, no. From from the the rickshaws. I don't know if that's Oh, the rickshaw evidence. Oh, Jesus.

What was the rickshaw evidence? He's just sitting on guy's laps on a rickshaw screaming with his arms.

No, with his arms in the air. I'm not sitting on God's laps, but it's 100% on God's laps.

Matt, it looks like I'm sitting on, dude. Nate, you that you had no recollection of the evening. And then we have photo video evidence from a trusted source.

Not sitting on a guy's lap. We were all having fun without a doubt on the lap. Not on the lap.

That was the biggest regret of the night. You woke up in the morning went, "God, I could have sat on that guy's."

He sat on two guys laps. He split the cheeks on. Who were these guys? This guy got a cheek.

Oh no. Redmond. It was Redmond. Redmond and our buddy Chris and Nate. It was a perfect timing.

We can get the footage. We can let the viewers decide. The thing that hurt The thing that hurt was the arms on the bar.

The footage looks The footage looks But that's cuz I'm sitting forward. I'm sitting forward.

I'm sitting edge. Sitting forward. Everybody banished me. Everybody banished me. These guys hopped in one with Tommy. Uh, you and Tony had your own private one. Hey, you

guys are good reverse. A good counter. It's a good counter. Oh man, you sent me with red band and another unit and I just had to squeeze in between them. But the footage looks bad.

They love taking those [ __ ] rick shaws. I despise it. It's fun while you're on it, but then dude, people see you.

Yeah, you're getting carted through town. It's [ __ ] embarrassing. It was devastating. I knew the red bin.

Damn. You got me with the private rick. That was nice. I'll give you that. You [ __ ] gay ass.

I don't want to do it, but you got to do it over. You had to do it. Nobody. All right. Yeah. Enough joking around about that.

It's over. It's done. That's so [ __ ] [ __ ] up, dude. That's crazy. You throw me under the bus like that.

That's crazy. Give me those shirts back. You don't get [ __ ] you [ __ ] snake, dude. Just just when you think, dude.

I know. I know. [ __ ] hits me with the reverse zest. I'm getting the video right now.

Yeah, I got to see the video. I got to see the video. I don't know if I have his number.

I want to have his number. Red man. I want to do a They should do them where you can stand up like a chariot tier.

I like that. That'd be nice where you could stand. That would be the straightest Rick Shaw. You can do

stand up like a charioteer. You get the You have like rains. You can kind of Yeah. Rain him back a little.

Smack the guy in the ass while he's doing We're going to get some footage in there.

Yeah. Now we got to review the tape. Who filmed it, by the way? Red B. Oh, hit you with the meta glasses. There's

Yeah, you should you should claim AI. You should claim AI. Oh, dude. That's got to be D fake.

He was literally filming cuz there was like four Rick Shaws. Yeah. He was filming me and I was like, "Dude, stop film. Like, don't film this."

Yeah, you got to redact. When he turned the camera around, Nate was just It looked POV. It was

It's not pertinent. That's not pertinent information. It looks POV. You got to redact your tape.

The worst part is I know Red B didn't remember how bad it looked. Like he pulled the foot he pulled the footage up like

I thought he was lying. No, he he was lying. But no, he wasn't lying. You're clearly on their lap.

I I'm not trying to And he tried to deny it and he was like I wasn't sitting on their [ __ ] lap and Red B just happens to walk over and be like I have footage of it.

He He did say that, but then he pulls up he pulls up the footage and he's trying to scroll through, but when he hits the the angle that looks bad, like I see him go like, "Holy [ __ ] I got him. This looks This looks

You'll see. There's no other angle. There's no other possible place for your ass to have been.

So obvious that was like Rein was like, "Oh, I feel bad. Maybe I shouldn't show all the guys that video." I

He literally devastated. He came up to me. He's like, "I told Nate, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw him under the bus like that."

He came over to me and was like, cuz cuz he knows I wasn't sitting on his lap, but it's devastating footage.

Why do you keep saying that? We saw the video. Are you elevated at all? No, we're kind of we're on an even playing field. I'm sitting forward though, so I don't know. That's also not if if I'm being it's a bad defense. Here's what I'll say. If I'm sitting forward, I should be a little higher. I think

their shoulders There's two guys sitting. Their shoulders are touching. There's nowhere else for him to sit.

Shoulders behind you. So, he had to have room to He had to hit this. Damn. He's selfie sticking while I was giving him a lap dance on a on a petty cat.

And that was a bumpy [ __ ] ride. Damn. No wonder you were all tuckered out when we got to the bar.

I wasn't tuckered up. I was tuckered out. You [ __ ] fell asleep. I was [ __ ] Did I fall asleep at the

Yeah, you did fall asleep. I I do remember. You were asleep at the bar. Wait, me sleeping at the You guys drugged me. You guys did. You gave me the two.

They put you to bed. He was well he was a minute before he was asleep he was standing on a stool screaming and I look over and he was like all right we Nate's gunk's got to go right there when he uh he almost danced out the bar he was on his dance he hit the door into the alley

that was a good night that was a good night so [ __ ] funny oh my god Yeah. Yeah. For real though, they they put you to sleep.

[ __ ] tuckered you out. That's fine. That's devastating. It looks so bad. Well, wait. We'll wait for the footage.

I'm working on the footage right now. Thank you. In the meantime, you'll see the footage.

Yeah, that's In the meantime, go watch the movie Allied. True. I'm not going to give you any spoilers. It's a great film. You're going to love it.

Don't look into Don't read the description. Just watch the movie. Yeah, I won't. I'll just

That's what I did and I was I was That's the best. I did one of yours. You got pleasantly surprised.

Is there twists and turns? Plenty. Yes. Plenty twist and turns. Need some good twist and turn.

Also, the hottest possible scenario. Just like you're paired with a lady you have to pretend to be husband and wife. You live together.

The neighbors are watching. We have to kiss right now. Maybe we should have sex.

What? He hit him. BP hit her with a He was the one saying, "Play it cool, babe."

She was like, "We got to do this." Yeah, dude. You got the footage. Can I review the footage?

We have the video. It's loading right now. Loading. What the [ __ ] How many footage? It's damning footage.

Oh, it's going to be like This is bad. This is I can't believe you're denying it.

6K. It's going to be 6K footage. 6K red bin tape. The red bin tapes. The red band tapes.

Look, the footage is undeniably bad. I can't I can't That's fair. I have no argument. Dang.

I know. But I know I was up to no zesty activities. You might have to 2.0 right now.

What's Liver King got caught with steroids. You might have to Nate 2.0. Yeah, you're a different guy.

Just rebrand. You might have totally rebrand, dude. Especially fresh off the zesty allegations in LA.

That's why he said it cuz he knows. And then just straight lap sitting on a rick shaw bouncing around

arms on the bars screaming woo. [ __ ] dude. And then dancing around dancing on table dancing.

Dang. You guys ugly out on the bar. Did I stand on the stood on the stool? Which was a real risk.

I was crushing. You did that twice. You did crush the stool. You jumped down. That was scary.

You jumped off the I was like, "Oh man, yeah, they can kick out from under you."

Three Freeird three times in a row. Freeird on repeat. You guys took over the touchdown.

Free bird on repeat. He's so [ __ ] sick. Such a nice move. Yeah, there were some complaints

about Triple Freeird. Who the about the music on repeat? Who would complain about Triple Freeird?

There was nothing they could do. No. Yeah, it's Yeah, boosting your touch tunes is honestly might be one of my favorite things in the world. Just completely commandeering a touch tune and ruining ruining everybody's night. It's awesome.

A good song for I think I said it before with Donovan Atlantis. Just an English guy from the 60s being like in there in the former world there was Atlantis and he just it's like a 13-minute song where he just like talks about the legend of Atlantis. It's so [ __ ] funny.

That's nice. I told you that time we took over the there was just a guy eating spaghetti at a really shitty dive bar and we started playing when the moon hits your eye. We just kept playing Italian songs. He was by himself eating spaghetti at the bar in Mechanicsburg. It was terrible. It was so depressing.

I'd be pumped if someone hit me with a spaghetti soundtrack. You never even noticed it, but yeah, we're hitting loud spaghetti soundtrack.

This episode of Matt and Shane Secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time.

Yeah, every single time. Yeah, I did it all week. [ __ ] disaster. I left a I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning.

Yeah, it was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a paint job. Uh, do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra do you ever need it?

Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Not cuz I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] my pants constantly. Yeah. I used to work. What the [ __ ] you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people?

What do they want to know? There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a standup wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears every I don't I can't do it.

Uh, well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your bee holes some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss. And the flushable design makes clean up a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults. So, no uh so no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude wipes. Best clean pants down. Available. These guys are really funny. Amazon. Uh, it's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. You got the video

tonight. Might be tonight at my house, actually. That's exciting. Yeah, I'm actually kind of pumped on that.

Didn't go through, dude. How big is this [ __ ] video? The only thing I see here is the brawl. The Alabama River. The Alabama Riverfront.

Oh man. Shirtless whites defeated on the riverfront. Yeah, the shirtless whites.

Dang, dude. Imagine going home from getting the Alabama brawl. You got to put on your life is good t-shirt.

It's all over the news. People are celebrating. Damn. My goodness gracious. Wait, if it's on your phone, just show it to Matt.

Yeah. Yeah. Let me and let everybody get a good look at this knee brace. And here we go.

Never got sound before. Oh no. Oh, you listening to Thought Rap, too. Okay, it's all right. Let's see. Fast forward the tape. Okay, this is just

worst part. Yo, where else could he be sitting? I'm sitt I'm sitt Their shoulders are touching. There's one bench.

I'm sitting so far. Actually, it looks better like a little bit now to me than it did. I'm saying

you're saying their knees are veed out and you're on the tip of Yeah, their knees are ve out and I'm in the tip of the thing, but the video's damn

You're on the tip. Oh [ __ ] Yeah. I mean, it's He's dancing. Oh, bro. I'm not dancing. I'm

Look at the fellas behind him. They go, dude. They love that you're having fun. That's nice.

You kind of gave him a Wall-ally a little bit. I get a what? A Wall-E. What is that? when you someone leans against the wall and you just twerk on them.

Work work. Dang. Yeah, that was bad. I will say I will say it's still up for debate, but it doesn't you know

I like to believe you guys trust me that I wasn't sitting on two men's laps. I do believe through Sixth Street.

I think as as tanalyzing of a possibility as that is, I do think their knees were veed out and you were on the very edge of the seat leaning forward. The video is damning. It was a I started sweating last night on Monday when the footage came out.

I was like, "Holy [ __ ] footage." Yeah. The what? Petty cab was the opposite. Straight as hell.

We could all fit. Nobody had to sit on any laps and we just screamed really loud the whole time.

My friends abandoned me. You guys abandoned me for timing. We were supposed to be together.

Sorry. You lapped up. Yeah. Could have ubered. Yeah, we could have Ubered. That was my suggestion.

What? That was what I was saying. I was like, let's [ __ ] Uber this rickshaw through the cities.

Yeah, those things are kind of And they drive so [ __ ] They ride so fast, too. It's like

It's fun when you're on there. Yeah, I guess I did let go. I did one with my kids and I was like, "Yo, can you please slow the [ __ ] down? I I don't need you to get me there two minutes faster. Please slow down, dude. You're driving like a [ __ ] maniac."

But yeah, it would be cool if if your kids aren't on that'd be fun. I had like two little kids and he was just like jamming his brakes in front of bikes. I'm like, "Bro, slow the [ __ ] down.

You're not winning. I'm not going to be like, "This is so cool. This guy's flying."

We almost hit like m Dude, the pedestrians go right next to cars, too. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's like right at pedestrians. Yeah. It's just like, bro, what are you? I mean, I guess you're trying to make that money. Those dudes get paid during like ACL. Those dudes will make like [ __ ] thousand bucks a night.

It's kind of tight. We got to get you out there, M. Yeah. Get a Lime scooter and just attach a little chariot.

Yeah, you can jailbreak those things, too. You can jailbreak lime scooters and they [ __ ] rip.

Dude, I want to jailbreak one. Hit like 40 on it. Oh, man. Do it. You are nice on those things.

I have I have a good time, dude. I can't believe you haven't really tumbled yet.

I've I'm always tumbling. You have like a devastating tumble. There's going to be a devastating tumble one of these days.

There's there I had one in Indianapolis. I scooted I was drunk. I scooted around the corner and I just [ __ ] fell and I went head over ass. I just went like sideways roll.

Damn. God, that must have been so nice to see. Oh, yeah. And I got a scar from here when I tried to I was I was again scooting from Frasier's to my house and I tried to jump a curb and I just I fell over.

What the [ __ ] made you think you could jump a curb? Jump off or up? I was close up. I was trying to jump up a curb.

Oh, so you Oh, you just lifted the front, scraped the bottom just a little bit. I just missed it.

Bunch of guys were laughing at me after that. Yeah, definitely. You got to try to jump a curb on a [ __ ] scooter.

Yeah, dude. I needed to. You're getting really hurt. You should have plant You could if you plant one foot, you could probably pop it up.

Yeah, but that's risky, dude. I I didn't see this. Did you do full speed on it?

Yeah. Oh, dude, that's crazy. That was going fast. Squealing the brakes on them is nice. I'll do I'll like pull up to my house on them every now and again. My wife will be outside and I'll just get to our block and go eat. Oh my god. Will you stop? Yeah, they're nice. Lime scooters are the [ __ ] man. I love those things. A lot of people are like genuinely like I don't touch those things.

Me? Really? Yeah. I [ __ ] I love them, man. They're so fun. I ride them in the mother ship. Ride them there, grab one, ride it back. It's awesome.

Yeah, that's crazy. It's such a long drive. It's like 3.4 miles. It's a lot. Headphones, dude. Headphones in blasting. It's [ __ ] It's the best. There's There's like a couple on the route from my house there. There's like three spots I can get air.

Just like weird [ __ ] you know, like the air on the way to the show for sure. If there's like, you know, like the tree roots like [ __ ] sidewalks up. There's There's one really good one. Oh, dude. Near the cemetery. There's one. Like, it's so [ __ ] good.

Damn. Getting air in front of the cemetery. Bombing and showing up and not doing good.

Getting air for all the people who are dead. They can't get air anymore. Yeah, disrespect. It is out of respect

for sure. Hitting air in front of a cemetery is [ __ ] And a lot of like the there's like driveways there's a curb where it's like it kind of goes up. You can [ __ ] nail the It's Yeah. Getting air on those things. I haven't skateboarded in a while. I've been [ __ ] I've been fiending for air.

We Yeah, there's got to be a way for you to get air. I'm going to skateboard again. My knee My knees are like better now. So,

I wouldn't risk it with the big race. True. Yeah. I guess I got to stay focused.

Yeah. I can't [ __ ] get air. I can't get two inches. If you get hurt and you're not allowed to participate, that's a

bigger than losing. It's a nail. Yeah. That's a loss. Yeah. Having to be like, "Oh, actually, I can't do it, guys."

Is your family excited for the race? I don't think they care that much. I mean they'll

I think the closer it gets, they'll The closer they get, I'd be so excited. Yeah. To watch it, it'll be so fun.

I'd be so happy. I might get I might GoPro the whole thing. Either way, Either way, it's a victory.

True. Whoever wins, it's the other person's going to be Yeah. It's going to be crazy.

It's going to be awesome. If he beats you, it's that'd be the funniest. I'll go all out. I'll I'll completely spring.

Yeah, you'll die for it. Yeah, exactly. I I think one of us might die from the race.

I'm the best case scenario would you take an early enough lead that you can just

It's over. True. If it's close, you guys are going to run. You guys might run a 4-minute mile.

People are going to be You guys are going to be sprinting. Just beat the Kenyon. I think the record for a mile is like sub four minutes. Yeah,

it's pretty [ __ ] up, dude. Did you know the tour to France is 2100 miles? Yeah.

I didn't know that. I didn't know it was exactly that. I knew it was like It's insane.

I just learned that it starts in where it starts in Italy and goes into France. I I thought it was like

80 miles, which I'm like, that's an impressive bike, right? It's multiple days,

dude. Yeah. It's like It took a [ __ ] month and they ride 2100 miles crossing from

I don't I don't give a [ __ ] about the tour to France. Neither. I don't like it at all.

I didn't care until I rode my bike yesterday. Three miles. I haven't ridden a bike in forever. It's so tight, dude.

Especially when like all I'm all about tracking times on everything now. So, I was like tracking my time and I was like, "Let me see what to France is up to." And I was like, "What the fuck?"

They're going fast, dude. They They go fast as [ __ ] up hills and it's Dude, 2100 miles.

They were all ju bro. Why wouldn't you? That's why you're getting into it. That's why you're getting into it, dude.

The juice is taking over my brain. Finding out what Floyd Landis was on the Pride of Lancaster, Pennsylvania. How long did it take you to get back from the gym? You should check your times.

Check your times. I checked them. It was three miles about like 20. It was like 15 minutes. It wasn't great. My time was all uphill. My time was [ __ ] trash. Three mile times 27 minutes. I can do on running 27 minutes. Three mile.

That's incredible. It's all right. It's not bad. That's really good. 9minute mile.

Yeah, that's three 9minute miles. Yeah, you should run a marathon. I don't dude. I can't do like super like super long miles. My knees just get shattered.

I'd have And also running crushes your tea. So only Yeah, it does, dude. It makes a lot of sense. It's a girl. Running is for girls.

It is. But unless you lift and sprint. I sprint. You got to sprint. That's high tea. Sprinting is the most tea you can have.

Sprinting is high tea. Sprinting is crazy. Sprinting and mile miles. Trying to like I want to be able to like not sprinting is so [ __ ] funny.

Sprinting is hilarious, dude. And it's nice, too, cuz there's people there who run like seriously. Yeah. When you're doing sprints, you blow past them and I think it kind of pisses them off cuz there was a running club. I was there one Saturday and there's a running club and there was like the dude was like the he seemed to be like the captain

running club is just a full sex club. It's completely the Austin running clubs are literally just to [ __ ] each other.

Yeah. I mean, yes, for sure. It was literally just jack dudes and babes, but we were doing sprints.

The jack dudes and babes non-stop here. Well, I know. But it was it was funny cuz there was

And then you're just blown by them because there the one guy was just like they're like doing warm-ups and then it's like you blow past them and like, "Guys, we're going to do sprints after this. You want to do it?" It's like, "Bro, we're done. Like, chill, dude. Sorry I [ __ ] passed you. I blew you out of the [ __ ]

We're not going to race, dude. I already won. You're not. But it's It was funny because that day it was the running club.

I already won the race. All right, dude. I mean, obviously you want a rematch, dude. I just humiliated you in front of all the babes. But he was just like warming up, man. I think he was just being nice. Honestly, I was I was with my friend just being like, "Dude, he's so pissed. We blew past him. That guy's so [ __ ] mad at us right now." But then there was three heats pretty much cuz there was the running club was shredded and then the dude I was with were both just like kind of dadbod and then there was like super fat dudes and we were vibing with the super fats cuz we would spray

super fats were in the running club. Super No, no, they were just there just walking.

Just a super fat club. I shouldn't call them super fast. Fat club was grazing on the infield.

They were pretty chunky but we were cheering each other on cuz then we would sprint and they started doing sprints.

That's low too. I was hyping cheering each other on at a track. Nah. When you see the fats, I I see the fats a lot of the track and I always I saw a father with two fat sons.

That's good. And I was running three miles and I was [ __ ] hitting them with the [ __ ] hang loose cuz they were

What are you guys doing on the telephone over there? Really? Okay. Well, that's

now I can't think about anything else. Yeah. Tell us and edit this out. We're going to edit right now.

Wow. Wow. And we're back. Hey. Hey, how's it going? But yeah, cheering on the fats at the track is nice cuz we had a unite. We were two we were just two rebel blocks.

How old were these fats? Uh they were they were like I would say out of college age. Not they were like

What do you mean by cheering on the fat? Like what were you saying? Well, we were like we would run. They were kind of hyping us and then they would run. We'd hype.

What do you mean by hyping? Just as they were like cuz you're sprinting and like you know you get that you need that final push when you're like 40 meters out you want to start giving up.

They hit you like let's go. Yeah. And then they'd pass they'd pass us and be like come on let's go let's go. Just hyping them up.

Yeah. Lapping the fats. We were united against the Austin Running Club. The Poly

The Poly Clubs are The Austin Running Clubs. It's filth. Yeah, it was the fat. Slightly less fat than the

super chlamydia running through that thing. Just drug resistance STDs. Oh, big time.

Coursing through all of their [ __ ] and [ __ ] Big time, dude. Dripping. I think I caught some of the drip.

The drip was probably probably like alien blood. It probably burned through the ground. It was acid. Yeah. No one hornier.

No one hornier. Just like having like a mid20s existential crisis. You're just running like a

I do understand the meeting friends thing. It's nice getting along. But yeah, it's clearly

It was like It was pretty The invite to it was aggro. It was like multiple invites. I was like, "Guys, I'm married. I don't want to do gay stuff with the captain of the [ __ ] thing.

I don't want to kiss all the girls here." They're at the uh the uh what's the the domain a lot?

Really? Yeah. I always see them there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They they squat up. I think I don't get the invite. It's

[ __ ] up. I think they know I'm not a runner. Did you just blow past them? No, I just walk.

You got to blow past them and they're like, "Dude, we're doing sprints after this." It's like, dude, you had your chance on the track, man. I [ __ ] smoked.

You got torched. I smoked your ass. You didn't know we were racing. Not my problem.

You got torched by the best. Sorry you didn't know we were racing, bro. I'm always ready to run.

Yeah, the track is intense, man. There's like some people who are all It does make me laugh when people are like just buy a ton of [ __ ] for running. It's like, bro, people spend bokeh bucks on running stuff.

It's like, you don't need it. All you got to do is just run, dude. You don't need to buy like 14 [ __ ] accessories.

There's one in Was it in Philly? There's like a that shoe store. Yes. It's a running store.

The Philadelphia I've gone in there. I've gone in there to just buy sneakers. It's so embarrassing. Clearly, I don't run.

Yeah. And there's just everyone's in there is there. There's a guy who works in there who's an ally of the podcast. He's an ultramarathoner.

Absolutely. The bro, but yeah. No, it's people are all about it and you're like, "Dude, I'm really just walking in these things."

Yeah. I'm just I just want something comfy. I'm here to get something comfy. He's inspired He has inspired me to ride.

More of a slippers man. True. Hocus Hoka does make slippers. That would be kind of nice. What?

Yeah. I saw I spied him when I was in uh California. I said that'd be nice. That would be a nice treat.

Still so goddamn cheap. I saw them there. I said not yet. I can't get I can't get the Hookah slippers just yet.

But yeah, that uh one day I'll treat myself. But yeah, dude. Come Saturday, we'll dude. You could totally love to hit the track Saturday. We're going to sprint after you totally come.

Sign me up. I will say sprinting is put out a flyer. Sprinting feels good. Sprinting. Sprinting.

I'll be there now. Sprinting feels great. It's been a while. That's what I'm saying. I didn't do the first when I first started doing it, my fingertips would be numb for like when I was running, I'd feel the blood just leave my hands like whoa,

let's get, you know, because when you run, you form new veins and capillaries and [ __ ] That's why I really like it.

Yeah, it's kind of cool. That is cool cuz otherwise your veins are getting clogged and dying every day and if you run your body you're like you have instead of like I mean obviously I guess it helps your muscles but like your vein you know you know I I learned that from by the way

I don't think I had when you were gone I had a penis guy. I did a zoom with the penis guy.

Janice Janice Janice Biffs. His name is Janice. That's like his like pseudonym for his penis company. That's like his YouTube name. But he was the one explaining to me like if you want to grow your dick, you have to do a lot of cardio because that releases a growth hormone. A lot of people push that.

That explains a lot. I don't know. But I'm thinking about it, bro. I've been shrimp lately. Tripped. Well, you're working so hard. Once you're done work, once you're back in recovery, you'll get your dong.

I think it's the dong you deserve from working hard. Dude, I honestly think it's from not I don't like I don't touch my dick.

That's really [ __ ] up, man. Yeah. I don't even touch it. I sometimes in bed I'll start too and go, "No,

just like hands on my pants." Real [ __ ] up. Just my hands. I like my hands on my pants like normal and I'll go, "This is nice." And I go, "Bro, hands off.

Hands off, mister." Pulled on it. Oh, I like that. No, I got I got I got one in the chamber. Enough times passed where I got the bulletin. I got the bulletin this morning going. It's on. I said, "Yo,

nice." But I'll tell you, man, when it just just from like, you know, experimental point of view, just to know the data, when you don't touch it for a while, you think it'd be a raging bull, it just starts to like deflate and die. So, like my penis is just dying on my body. It's which one day hopefully it'll just completely go which would be nice. Then I can totally then I can totally lock in. Then I'll get a fiveinut.

Then you're really going to be running and listening to Aztec books smoking a cigar without a dick.

Then I can really focus. But yeah, I uh I appreciate that. That's what you're going for.

Yeah. I mean Yeah. I don't know. I'm done it. Dude, it would be so nice to be done with it completely, but I don't think I am cuz I had very erotic dreams last night that were incredibly troubling. I I can't even talk about it. They were They were so bad. Yeah,

they were so bad. Who was it? I was just like having sex with my wife so much, dude. It was [ __ ] crazy. Crazy.

Yeah, true. You I was just like making my wife come all night in my dreams. It was [ __ ] crazy.

That's awesome. Yeah, it was tight. We're actually making a movie, actually. It's pretty tight.

What's that? It was I was being I was I had to film myself having sex for a movie last night.

Oh, yeah. Like my wife obviously was like blowing me non-stop in preparation of the role.

Good lord, dude. You got to jack off. You got to jack off, dude. It was troubling. The dream of this. The dream came to my head a couple times during the podcast and I got kind of wobbled. Like I would just remember new things from him like, "Man, that was so [ __ ] up. That dream is so [ __ ]

That's the worst when you get a [ __ ] nasty one." And not even a not even a wet dream either.

If you you better not have a [ __ ] wet dream. I haven't. I thought last night should have been the night. Not a dribble.

Not a dribble. Not a drop. Time. Not a dribble. Not enough. It's time. We'll see.

It's time, man. I've been on the fence a couple times, dude. But I'm in the brother chat. I can't be the first to fall.

You going to chat about it? Yeah, me and my brothers. Dude, were [ __ ] me. Talk about not jerking off in the chat.

Oh, is this where you found out about the Covenant app? My other friend sent me the Covenant app, which I was like, that's good information. Thank you.

So, brothers, and it's not it's not Gay Bill. It's It's me, Gay Bill, and Tom. Gay Bill. Gay Bill hasn't fapped in the longest out of all of us. My brother Kevin is still holding down fapping rules.

Shout out Kev. Yeah, I brought him in. He's like, "You guys are [ __ ] weird. Get me out of this group chat."

That's disgusting. Talking to your brothers about it. Let me Dude, it's the chat might be the funniest.

The chat. That's got to be so funny. The chat. You Tom and Bill. Yeah. And Kevin reluctantly and Kevin.

Let me see. I'm trying to see what the last thing. Everything I see in there, I'm always like, damn, this is the weirdest. Get in that chat.

I'll send all I'm going to start tossing you guys some porn and seeing everybody spazz.

Dude, you'll get kicked out of the chat. Kick me out. I just want to get in there and post a hot babe.

Send the brothers into a spiral. This is the chat. I won't say who from. Wasn't me. Came. I swear to God this wasn't me because it was Sunday. Came super close to a wet dream last night. Subject matter. Never mind. I can't even read that. Thank you for the update from Kevin. Please let me know when you come in your pants. Your brothers. The other person goes, "Haha, I sleep naked. I worry my non-gooting ways are going to lead to an unplanned pregnancy. My unvaxed sperm can swim across bed sheets."

I know who that was. I told I my response actually was wet dream. Totally fine. Even ones of a homosexual nature. Don't worry about it.

That would suck. That would [ __ ] blow. homosexual wet dream would be homosexual wet dream would suck.

You're gay at that point. You You have to come out to your dad. No, dude. It's just a dream. There's nothing. There's nothing you can do.

If you bust, you have to come out to your family and say, "Guys, last night last night I had

just include your mom and dad in the group chat. Just go just go I had a wet dream to gay sex and

which I've had a thousand of them, but I've never came last night. I fully [ __ ] came and uh I just want to tell you guys about that now that I'm starting my new lifestyle.

Or just be gay in your dreams. Be like, "Look, I'm straight as hell." It's like the what's that show?

Severance. Severance. Severance. Yes. In my dreams, I'm just gay as hell. There's got to be someone that every night, I mean, there's going to be a lot of guys every night have [ __ ] gay dreams. Nuts.

That's why he was sleeping in the bar. They knew it was coming. That rickshaw got him excited. He was like the only place I can be gay. Stuck on a rickshaw again.

He's fully and he passed out of the bar. He's trying to get free use. He's trying to be free.

He tried to His mouth was wide open almost like he It wasn't regular. Yeah, he was awakening.

He's just doing Keeles just [ __ ] tightening that thing. You got a jack. Well, I thought we're having fun. We're talking about

It's time to jack off. No, man. I'm telling you. I came close last couple nights. I've been like, "Fuck it, dude. I can't go." Especially since I'm like

my I've just been so shrimped out. I'm like, "Dude, this is getting crazy." That's where you you got to draw a line. Shrimp out. Let me see how shrimp I can get. I want to go. Going all the way micro. Going totally micro.

We'll see if I Dude, if I'm like completely microed again, I I might have sex tonight. So, we'll see. I hope you do.

If I get like a At first it's just [ __ ] log jamming. You have wicked hard raers and that's nice.

Loging wicked hot raers. There was a couple times where I was going, I'm not log jamming right now. What the hell? I should be

should be jamming. I should be jamming right now. I'm [ __ ] gone. Yeah, I should be g I should be jamming right now. It's just spaghetti night right now. It's [ __ ] [ __ ] again. In the moon every night.

Yeah, go I'm definitely turning 40 this year. I can tell. My body is sending me messages saying, "Hey, you're turning 40 this year, buddy.

Now you have a penis. I have a [ __ ] Now you have giant balls." We'll see. I'll give you the full update.

I smashed my nuts getting out of the car today on Yeah. I went and got coffee and when I got out of the car,

would you would you sit on them or It's got one of those seats that kind of Yeah.

rips you. Gripped to the bottom of my sack. Sorry. Just getting out of the car. I was like, "God, just holding a gun [ __ ] in my hands." I was like, "Oh shit."

Oh, I've caught a couple of full rockers in the nuts like not too long to like I scream.

Yeah, my Chloe's three so they're at the age. We hate rapping. Our balls are getting big.

Yeah, it's true. We're gazed up, dude. I've I got like an off the ropes elbow full like off her coffee table. Yeah,

it's insane, dude. fully through. Also, dude like I was taking a [ __ ] this morning and I was like, it smelled so it was smelled awful.

It was a new smell. It really was. It was That's always alarming when you unlock a [ __ ] You're like, "Wait a second." Like, this is pond mixed with Yeah. It's It was bad.

It was It was very very like Yeah. Aqua Aqua Bay smell. And the uh Dude, and like my [ __ ] My kids think it's funny to like bust in on me when I'm taking a [ __ ] which it is.

They got it from the dead. But they got hit. True. True. They got hit with the wall of smell. So I watched my one kid walk in like

Oh, and just like ran out of the room and I was like, "Yeah, get the [ __ ] out of here."

The swamp thing was in there. [ __ ] monster. Feels so powerful, dude. That is nice.

People trying to play a prank on you. Go, well, how about this? How about bang powers

hit the invisible wall and was just like, you used the force field. Confused. I used the force on her. felt so cuz you know when you come in on your dad smells and you go oh my god being on the other end of that is [ __ ] nice.

Yeah, it's nice. Just full doors. I think I was wiping my ass and I was like get out of here. She going

I did we talk about it in LA. I hit I hit my babe with one of those. Did you? She came back I just took a dump and she came back in the hotel room and it was crazy. It was a new smell dump. It was like what is happening? She came in it was like holy [ __ ] this whole the whole hotel stunk. She had to open the door the doors on the balcony. I was laying in bed like, "Shut the [ __ ] up. I just [ __ ] you."

They love it, dude. Yeah, she was. Everybody loves it. They love shaming someone for his stinky dump is so funny. No,

I'm saying they love the stinky dump. They [ __ ] love it, dude. They every second of it, they're going, "Oh my god, this stinks so bad." And they're going, "They [ __ ] love it."

They're like soussayers. They can only see your future when they're smelling your dump. They smell the dump and they go and they have visions like the [ __ ] three-eyed raven.

What's What's the consensus in the brother's chat about? It's kind of quiet right now.

No, I mean just like I'm sure you guys are all bragging about benefits. No, man. It's It's actually [ __ ] my brother sent me this [ __ ] He sent me uh

he sent me this. It's just a babe. Yeah. And then I was like on my phone my went over my shoulder. She goes, "Dad, are you talking to your girlfriend?" I was like, "Yo, what the [ __ ]

God damn. said, "I have a [ __ ] girlfriend." I said, "Where the hell are you getting that from?" She's like, "I don't know." And I I was like, "Wouldn't you be mad if daddy had a girlfriend?"

Would you be cool with that? You know, like, who cares, right? Are you chill? I guess your generation it wouldn't even matter by then.

You guys should understand. Yeah. Let me uh let me say I'll say almost. I'd imagine there's some bragging going on.

I mean, yeah, dude. It's typically in the beginning. It's been pretty quiet. That's why I'm kind of think you guys are hitting that. Yeah.

At first it was nothing but like Yeah. At first, dude, look. At first it was this just a guy, cool guy, long hair. Now my brother sending me slightly goon material. I'm like, yo, bro, chill, man.

Who's going to break first, you think? I don't know, man. Me, probably. That's why I'm trying not to be the weak link.

People could also be fibbing. Dude, fibbing about not doing it is where I've said it before. It's where you end up with like boys in a motel room. If you fib about fibbing, then you just

Yeah. Yeah. You end up [ __ ] doing something bad. Yeah. Yeah. Because you go, "What else can I What other secrets can

I can get away with anything." True. I'm going to text him now like, "I hope every day is a beautiful mystery for you."

Those letters were crazy, bro. Yeah. Do you think Trump had swag like that back in the day?

I think he did. Up his boy. I sound I don't know, man. That's like one of those ones that's so spot-on that you're like somebody that'd be a genius to come up with that.

Yeah. You're a beautiful enigma. May every day be a beautiful mystery for you, my friend. Stay mysterious.

That's If he wrote that, I'm done with him. It's kind of I mean it is hyper swag.

Write a pedophile letter be like you're a beautiful little miss. Little secret. You're my secret. Although those dudes.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's never mind. I like that everyone's running with the Epste thing now.

What do you mean? They're just like Trump's on the list. It's like, yeah, we we all knew that.

Yeah. The whole time. We knew it. Although, everyone was holding out hope that he was with the staff.

You could still be on the list and hang out with the staff, dude. Yeah. If you go if you went and hung out with the staff, you were on the list.

Yeah. I I I'll be honest, I turned I heard he was on the list and I turned kind of a blind eye where I was just kind of like,

I knew it. And I was like, "We'll see what comes out." But yeah, I was more focused on Gates cuz I was like, "At least they didn't hang out after he was

You want Gates?" I want Yeah. You'll bring him down. I do. Well, also apparently it's like on the record they were hanging out after he was busted as a pedo.

Yeah. So I in my head I was going and you know I don't whatever. I'm not like the biggest Trump supporter, but it's like maybe he hung out with him before he was a convicted pedo.

Yeah. But I Is there any info on that? Like did they bro down after the conviction? That's That's the real

When was the the first one in Florida? Was it late 90s? Oh. Oh, okay. It was like 07. It was under Obama. Oh, never mind.

Didn't Didn't Trump spazz after like the Epstein stuff didn't go his way? Didn't he like all arrest Obama as like a recovery?

Such a funny thing. Like, dude, you're a pedophile. Like, dude, I'll arrest Obama.

I'll arrest Barack Obama. If you guys keep calling me a pedophile, I'm gonna arrest Barack Obama.

2008. Okay. So that was uh Yeah, that was during Obama. So okay, so Epstein got busted during Obama.

Yeah, but all the Trump stuff is from pre the the bust, you know. That's what I'm saying. Did he chill with a man after the bus? That's the That's the million. That's the million-dollar question.

Was he his beautiful mystery then? That's the question. We'll find out next week.

True. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Goodbye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma"?

Matt (Guest), Shane (Guest).

What is "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma" about?

The discussion centers around a humorous and absurd hypothetical scenario where one individual contemplates getting sworn in as a deputy just to discharge a firearm, leading into a series of playful exchanges about jail life and the lengths friends would go for each other, including the outlandish idea of committing a crime to join the other in prison. The conversation highlights themes of…

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

7 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Academy, Umar, Alabama Slam, Allied, Cincinnati Beatdown. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma"?

The episode runs 1 h 4 min; the transcript is about 14,686 words in 497 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.