Transcript

Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 32 min · 22,329 words · 589 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published September 10, 2025 (1 h 32 min, about 22,329 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Joe Lis, Austin, World Trade Center, Travis Kelce, Chicago.

What this episode is about

The discussion revolves around the experiences of traveling with family, highlighting the dynamic of flying with children, especially when it comes to upgrades to first class and the reactions of other passengers. Participants Joe List and Nate Marshall share personal anecdotes, focusing on the challenges and lighter moments of family travel.

Key takeaways

  • Traveling with family is a test of patience and creativity; it's the real-life version of Tetris.
  • First class: where luxury meets the toddler meltdown, and you learn the art of seat negotiation.
  • Noise-canceling headphones: today's answer to crying babies and your new best friend on flights.
  • Caring for strangers' discomfort is so 2020; nowadays, kids crying just comes with the territory.
  • Fantasy scenarios on planes: from heroic seat-giving to accidental head injuries; life's unexpected comedy.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Chicago, Joe Lis, Austin, Sean Green
  2. – 20:00: Prize Picks, Travis Kelce, Chicago
  3. – 30:00: World Trade Center
  4. – 50:00: Armra Colostrum
  5. – 1:00:00: Austin, Chicago
  6. – 1:10:00: Covenant Eyes
  7. – 1:20:00: Covenant Eyes, Austin, Patrick Swayze
  8. – 1:30:00: Gary Owens

Notable quotes from "Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)"

  • Joe, Lis,, thank, you, for, coming,, man.
    about Joe Lis · at
  • We, we, do, Southwest, sometimes, too,, which we just did to Chicago this weekend.
    about Chicago · at
  • Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game. I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt and I caught it.
    about New York Islanders · at
  • The time. It was like a rain delay game so it was down to like a very small amount of people and he caught the last out and like threw it like directly to my uncle and that was the coolest.
    about Sean Green · at
  • It's, good, to, be, right., Download, the, app today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. The That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first.
    about Prize Picks · at
  • I, was, there, in, August., I, have, a, photo, of the World Trade Center from like August 2nd or something like that.
    about World Trade Center · at
  • Convinced, me, then., Back, then, I, was, this is the coolest thing I can possibly do. Wasn't at all. This episode is brought to you by Armra Colostrum. Guys I like to say we…
    about Armra Colostrum · at
  • There's, an, app, called, Covenant, Eyes where you and your son can like link your phone so that like if anything, porn related comes up, it'll trigger like your dad would get like a.
    about Covenant Eyes · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Joe Lis — Person · Main guest · 1 mention · first at
    Interview guest; conversation centers on his travel-with-family experiences and general riffing.
  • Travis Kelce — Person · Referenced athlete (ad-read example) · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned during a PrizePicks ad read as a discounted pick; used to sell the betting product.
    Yeah,, he, just, needs, one, yard, for, you, to win on prize picks this Sunday.
  • Sean Green — Person · Referenced athlete (baseball anecdote) · 1 mention · first at
    Brought up in a story about receiving a thrown baseball after the last out during a rain-delay game.
  • Nate Bargatze — Person · Referenced comedian (offhand mention) · 2 mentions
    Mentioned briefly early on (likely as a person in the room or a comedic reference), but not a main subject thereafter.
  • Patrick Swayze — Person · Referenced celebrity (comparison/bit) · 1 mention · first at
    Used as a pop-culture reference point; not central to the episode’s main discussion.
    What's the movie? dirty dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like that Patrick, which is true.
  • Gary Owens — Person · Referenced person (unclear identity in transcript) · 1 mention · first at
    Name appears as an entity but the provided transcript context does not clearly show the mention or who is being referenced.
    I didn't I was trying to think of like I don't just talk about black stuff. I don't know. I didn't know how to say that to the person. And I was Is it like that? I was Sort.

Products & tech

  • Covenant Eyes — Product · Incidental · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in passing without promotional context.

Places & events

  • Austin — Place · Setting · 4 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as the location where the podcast records and where the guest was bumped from another podcast.
    This is I'm now here an extra day just for this. I got bumped from a big podcast that also records on Monday nights in Austin.
  • World Trade Center — Place · Setting · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of a personal story related to 9/11.
  • Chicago — Place · Setting · 4 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of traveling and a food festival.
  • New York Islanders — Place · Referenced · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in a personal story about a hockey game.

Sponsors

  • Prize Picks — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a fantasy sports platform during an ad read segment.
  • Armra Colostrum — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a health supplement during an ad read segment.

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. I, should, invest, in, the, spider, league, and bring it like you, got, something, white, on, your, lip., I didn't want you to start the

Appreciate, that., Yeah,, true. I, didn't, see, it, or, else, I, would, have., I don't want to.

I, think, I, saw, it, in, the, bathroom, and, I just ignored it. That's, a, good, part, of, a, point, in, your life when you're like, "Ah, come on my lip. I'm going to let it dry."

I, think, I, literally, tried, once., It didn't come off and I was like "Whatever. I I got to do stuff now.

I'm, worried, about, my, lip, corners." Are, we, fired, up?, Nice., You, got, to, keep the lip stuff in. That's good.

True., Yeah., That, in,, man., That's, a, good That's a good uh cold open. Nate, noticed, I, had, his, come, on, my, lip right away.

Joe, Lis,, thank, you, for, coming,, man. Thanks, for, having, me., I, appreciate, it. This is I'm now here an extra day just for this. I got bumped from a a big podcast that also records on Monday nights in Austin.

I'm, glad, you, can, come, on,, man. Yeah,, me, too., I'm, thrilled. And, you're, traveling, with, family., That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time.

I, know., We, talked, about, it, a, while, ago. I I quote you all the time. And uh yeah it's fun. I don't mind the actual traveling on the plane is fun to me.

It's, not that, it's, not, that, hard. No., And, we,, you, know,, I, mean,, I, don't want to throw my success in everybody's face, but I get upgraded a lot, you know, Delta Diamond. So, my son has flown almost exclusively first class which is very nice.

Yeah. But, we're, about, to, He's, about, to, turn two, so I have to buy him a ticket.

Oh, [ __ ], You're, coming, up, on, that?, That sucks. Yeah., That'll, be, the, end, of

I, I, It's, funny, watching, cuz, some, people smile at the child in first class and then other people like almost grimace at the child.

Yeah., It, feels, like, a, thing, where, people like get the [ __ ] out of this.

So, when, they're, when, even, when, they're like two it's not you or one it's not you holding them. It's like them sitting in a seat.

Oh, yeah., You, got, to, pay, for, them., You can still hold them on takeoff when they're like twoish and then once they get a little bigger. It's kind of like a gray area.

Yeah. Sometimes, you're, like, my, kids, crying. I'm not going to strap them to a seat belt and just be like sorry buddy. So yeah, you have to like Yeah, like you they kind of give you leeway. My one daughter's five and like for landings like she needs to be in a seat belt.

Okay. Like, whatever. So, when, you, had, I, assume, there, was, a moment where you had just the one kid and there was three of you. Did you ever travel the three of you? Did you buy a row?

Oh, yeah,, we've, done, it, before. Yeah. We, we, do, Southwest, sometimes, too,, which we just did to Chicago this weekend. It's And one time Yeah. Last time uh cuz usually like my wife's really good about checking in. and we get early so we get to like be towards the front and like the one time I just wasn't paying attention. We were sitting at the gate next to the gate we were supposed to be at.

So, the, whole, plane, had, boarded, and, then I heard my name like last call and I was like oh no. So we all had to like split up.

My, wife, is, not, a, fan. Was, she, a, lap, kid, at, that, point, or, was she just sitting by herself?

We, had, this, is, when, we, had, the, two, of them so we had to like but we I ended up taking like one in one. We just had to beg strangers to switch seats

which, some, people, are, cool, about., Some people are like not cool about that at all. There's that thing you see it online where people are like, "Uh, your baby's not my problem. I pay for the seat." You ever see those?

No,, I've, never, seen, that., But, it's, also like that's the one thing. Flying with kids is nice. Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a PL, I don't care. My kid screams and cries. I'm like

I, And, I, know, people, hate, that,, but, it's like grow the [ __ ] up, dude. Well

I, don't, care, that, the, kid's, crying., It's just I'm going to I'm going to sort this out. But also, everybody has noiseancelling headphones now. That's like the standard headphone. And everyone, you got 400 channel. Like just turn a [ __ ] turn on Mission Impossible 11 and turn it up full volume. [ __ ] you.

Yeah,, exactly. And, yeah,, don't, get, me, wrong,, I'm, not like thrilled if there's a crying baby but you are like you have the ability. You don't have to just sit there listening to it.

Now,, if, y'all, were, on, a, plane, solo, and you have first class and some lady has first class and she's trying to get you out of your seat that you really wanted.

I, fantasize, about, the, opportunity to, to, be, a, gentleman. Absolutely., Yeah., I, fantasize, about, like a decrepit old man and being like "Please sir, take this. Please take my seat." Or a kid, my one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head. Yeah.

To, the, point, where, I'm, like, bleeding., I get to be like "Yeah, it's no big deal."

I, feel, like, laugh, at, all. Yeah., Just, I, deal, with, this, all, the time. So

I, I, have, like, foul, ball, fantasy. Whenever I'm at a game, I'm like picking a kid. I'm like, I'm going to [ __ ] make this kid world. You're going to give it to him. Give it to him. No, no I'm going to give it to him. which I did do one time at a New York Islanders uh hockey game. I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt and I caught it.

And, I'm, I'm, a, Bruins, guy., So,, I, just gave it to a kid and I felt like a real million bucks.

Yeah., I, want, to, catch, a, a, foul, ball, just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.

You, saw, that, lady, who, went, viral, for, the exact opposite. Yeah., One, of, yours.

Yeah. Well,, you, know, what's, funny?, My, wife, was showing me that exact clip. The lady spazz a guy now. I didn't really see the struggle. Did he like snatch it from her or he just caught it? She was being a sore loser.

I, think, he, like, landed, in, like, it, just hit the ground. He rushed over while everybody was trying to get it. Grabbed it first and then ran. Yeah. I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand.

He, was, like, I, think, maybe, touching, it, but it was it wasn't her row. It was in his row, but right in front of her. And she's, you know, a woman, so she sucks at

you, know, everything., She, was, like reaching down. So I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever

but, he, got, the, ball. Yeah,, he, had, the, ball, and, then, he, gave it to his kid. It was his birthday and then she came over. But I feel bad for the, guy, because, I, don't, I, don't know, if you watched the video. Like the woman comes up yelling and he does he goes like literally it's like it's it's it's egregious. But and people are like this guy's a [ __ ] [ __ ] this guy. But he's also literally hugging his son from behind. It's his birthday. He just like feels like a hero and this woman must have been like screeching and put her hands on him too.

So, I've, you, have, those, moments, where you're like go what, the, [ __ ], is, going, on?, Yeah.

And, people, are, like, you're, such, a, [ __ ] the way you reacted. You're like well that was like gutter. I could beat the [ __ ] out of this woman. I'm not like frightened me.

He's, also, Yeah., He's, an, old, man, too. There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades and just got he thought he was at like a game with his son. All of a sudden a lady's like what are you doing? He's like oh Jesus [ __ ] Christ. Thought you were at home. I thought you were back at the house.

Then, people, are, calling, him, a, [ __ ] too, because he gave the ball up. But, you're, also, I, I, also, get, that, of like what am I gonna do? Just fist fight this woman? Like [ __ ] it. Take your ball, you douche. And then the guy got one of the players.

No,, if, he, gave, it, away,, it, would, have been even worse. Oh,, they, gave, him, Yeah,, the, players, gave him the team gave him a bunch of [ __ ] too.

So, nice., The, team, rallied, around, just He's like "Dude, I'm starting to deal with that [ __ ] Here's a bunch of swag for the team." Well, then people were booing her and so the whole section was booing and she started yelling at them. It was like a wrestling match. She was like [ __ ] uh I don't know, Randy Savage or something. Haven't watched wrestling in a while.

Yeah,, that, sucks., That, like, that, lady, is definitely she has to go back to her job now. And everyone's like, "Oh yeah you're the like [ __ ] of the week. You're the giant [ __ ] [ __ ] of the week."

And, I, don't, know, if, she's, been, doxed yet. Do we know that? Uh there's I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then. No

I, saw, it, online,, but, I, don't, know how true that is. It was just on Twitter.

Damn,, she, shouldn't, have, lost, her, job for that, though. That's kind of I, don't, think, so., But, Oh,, they, did, dox her. I I found her first and last name in a comment section.

I, thought, you, found, her, first., Like, you were the first. Yeah,, you, never, know., That's, like, kind of I'm like bugged out about that. You can just be going about a normal thing and just like your life's ruined over just one spaz.

I, know., You, can't, even, yell, the, n, word at the subway anymore, you know? You never know with surveillance going to nab you.

I, saw, my, wife, brought, the, old, lady, video to me and then I was like she was like this, lady lady's, such, a, [ __ ], Then, I saw a video

of, a, old, white, guy, and, a, let's, say middle-aged black guy snap. They were they both went for it to be fair. Yeah.

And, he, it, was, a, you, know, contest, and, the black guy emerged victorious.

Yeah. And, everyone's, like, he's, a, piece, of [ __ ] And, I, was, like, I, don't, know., It's, flip side. It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady. He's a hero.

Yeah., Yeah, but, then, the, black, guy,, it, was, like, an old man. So, do you give it up

or, do, you, just, be,, you, know,, black, as hell, and, be like,, "Not, my, problem."

I, do, think, it's, like I, don't, hit, with, the, my, problem. It's, a, known, thing, though., You, give, the ball to a child. I feel like as an adult, it just

I, would, say, an, elderly, is, like,, "You deserve this. I don't have to give this to you." He did. He like snatched it.

What, if, there's, no, kid, in, like, a, five like a six seat radius? It's like you're here. No one there. No one there. No one there. No kid. Just all adults.

Give, it, to, the, hottest, lady. Give, it to, them. Hottest, lady, gets, the, ball.

Put, it, between, her, tits. It's, hottest, lady, at, that, point., All right. I, mean, I, mean, Yeah.

Put, it, back. Put, it, back, in, play., If, it's, Especially if it's like not your team's ball like you just I don't need this [ __ ] Who start that in Chicago? I think Chicago does

Chicago., Yeah., That's, big., And, then other cities try to do it and you're like but that's not even our thing. Let me keep the ball.

I, know., So,, I, would, keep, it, for, sure, but then you probably get home and it's like, do you would you how long would you look at that ball in terms of like oh, you gave it away. Would you really have sentimental value? Would you just sit at home like a [ __ ] ball?

Ah,, it's, kind, of, fun,, I, guess., I, mean,, I have a major league. I had I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays uh batting practice on the field one time and uh they gave me a ball and I have it and I'm like, "Oh, that ball." You get to tell people that ball is a real ball whatever. And my uncle uh I was at a game with him years ago. Sean Green, I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time. It was like a rain delay game so it was down to like a very small amount of people and he caught the last out and like threw it like directly to my uncle and uh that was that was the coolest.

That's, nice. The, closest, stuff, I've, come, to, a, thing, but, I, have, no, idea, what, that, ball, I actually told the story to my uncle and he's like, I don't remember that at all. I was like, he threw it to you. And he's like, really? So I guess that's the answer.

Yeah,, it's, it's, in, his, basement somewhere. Yeah., No, memory, whatsoever, of, a professional baseball player tossing a ball. And then did you see the tennis one with the hat? That was like a big one the week before.

No. Oh,, that, one, was, crazy., That, guy, did, get doxed. I think he was European. Did you see that one?

Boy,, tennis, is, really, at, a, low, point, in the United States, I guess. Yeah.

Well,, the, it, was, um, right, after, a, match, the guy like took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid and this guy nab I think he signed it, handed it to the kid. guy nabs it and like quickly puts it in his wife's purse

and, it, went, vir, and, the, kid, was, like what the he, like, steal, it, still, though, he, didn't like take it he oh no he took it he snatched it

he, literally, like, snatched, it, I, don't know if, the, kid, got, his, hands, on, it, but the guy the player was literally handing it to him

and, uh, I, think, he, was, like, a, CEO, or, some crazy [ __ ] it was a big thing

oh, I, think, I, heard, this and, then, there, was, like, an, apology, that I think might have been fake cuz he there was like a statement being like finders keeper you snooze you lose or something but I think that was fake

did, he, No,, I, think, I, remember, the statement now. It was like he was like "This is how you become a winner. You take things like you you're not afraid to take things from people."

It, was, something, like, that,, but, I, was like "This has to be Yeah., Not, real.

There's, no, way, the, company, took, that position." Yeah., I, don't know, if, it, was, a, company that guy just being like, "This is how I got what I got."

True. Not worried about what the little man thinks of me. Sean, looks, like, he, has, something, for, the folks at home. It's hard to u sift through this People magazine article but they keep saying he's a CEO. He runs like a concrete company in Poland. So he's not like a big

He's, a, fat, Italian, guy. He's, a, Polish, He's, a, Yeah,, he's, a, Polish guy.

Polish, concrete, guy. Bring, back, Polish, jokes. Yeah, those, kind, of, faded,, didn't, they?

Polish, jokes., Yeah,, they, fell, out, of favor. Nobody fires them up. Yeah,, that's, weird.

They, were, big, when, I, was, little., They were huge. That, was, like, the, only, thing, the, Polish family that got locked inside of their car. What happened? How'd they get locked in there?

They're, just, too, dumb., They, didn't realize they could just open the lock. I, was, like, the, one,, why, did, the, Polish guy get fired from the M&M's factory? He kept throwing away all the W's.

That, was, a, big, joke, when, I, was, a, kid, cuz then they kind of became blonde jokes. Blonde and Polish were interchangeable.

Yeah., Yeah. But, I, don't, know, what, are, the, origins, of Polish people being dumb.

I, think, they, were, [ __ ], dumb., I, think every I think every I think every ethnic group came here and the Irish were like you know, they were like lazy, subhuman. Italians were, you know, just annoying. And then Polish people came here and I was like, these guys are dumb as [ __ ]

But, could, the, the, origins, be, like, the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming? Is that like could that be the origin?

They, were, probably, valiant., They, were the heroes. I'm not this is not or, they're, all, dumb, and, the, dumb, ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came here.

Right., Right., This, is, by, the, way, this, is not my theory. I'm just wondering if that's how it originated.

That's, true. I'm, not, like, those, [ __ ], idiots, didn't get out of the way of the Naz.

I, I, don't, have, any, position, on, it, at all. I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest but the fattest dicks out of all the white.

Is, that, right? Yeah., I, swear, to, God, that's, the, word, on the curb that the Pocks have fat dong. So I always throw that in there as well. Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they worked. Like thick feels like natural, but fat is like I gota I got to change my diet and turn out my dick a little.

Oh, yeah,, they, have, obese, dogs. Wow,, no, kidding. Yeah., What, was, the, I, I, remember, looking into the exact term pock and I I if I'm not mistaken it actually applied to like Hungarians. I think they actually I forget there was some weird thing where

I, thought, it, was, a, slur, for, them. Yeah,, it, is., It's, a, slur,, but, it, kind, of I think it originated with like Hungarians. When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just everyone lumped them together as pocks basically.

No, kidding. Yeah. I, I, didn't, know, it, was, a, slur., I've, been using that left and right.

It's, not, a, slur., If, a, Polish, guy, gets offended, he's he's a pock saying you're kind of boneheaded. But yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subject of fascination for me. So, I don't know anything about any of those countries.

Right. This Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti-Polish sentiment. They said he had a uh Polish son-in-law in All in the Family and he would constantly make fun of him.

Oh,, Meathead. Yeah., Yeah., So,, they, said, that, sort, of started it along with like xenophobia and stuff according to Google.

Oh,, that, makes, sense. Yeah,, they, I, know, they, have, big, fat heads. I've heard that too. square big fat square dicks and dummies.

Are, the, fan, heads, from, drinking?, I, know the dicks aren't. I, don't, know., I, You, know, what?, I, was actually I was at a uh I was at a bar with my wife. We were in Chicago this weekend and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out and there were two guys. Their wives had giant fake tits and they the guys had big fat heads and I was kind of like damn that's kind of alpha. Like there's a giant fat head. They're just like arms around their fake titted wives and I was like these guys are on to something. They're swinging.

I, got, to, pee, next, to, one, of, the, guys, and I was just kind of I didn't like look at his dick, but I was I was kind of admiring him like, "Damn, I was I wish I was with you guys. I'm with my [ __ ] wife or natural tits and I'm just You guys have giant fake titted w like dude nipples flying out of the shirt." No kidding.

They, just, sat, there, in, like, pink, polos with huge heads and I was just menacing me from across the bar.

Sounds, wonderful. It, was, awesome. I, grew, up, in, Massachusetts., There, was, no Polish people. I feel like maybe there was one Wnjak in my school. I forget her name. But we was all Irish, Italian English.

Yeah. Like, three, black, people. Yeah,, we, had, zero, black, people., Well, yeah, zero. A couple Mexican guys, but we had pretty much just Irish, Italian and then some Polish. I didn't start differentiating white people until I started comedy and then y'all kind of made it clear that y'all were different. But I I thought like I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time.

They, are., Don't, let, them, lie, to, you. That's, what, I, think., I, think, they're [ __ ] white. I think I think if you can hide it a little bit then you're not you know

I, similarly, discovered, Jewish, people late in life as well. Yeah. I, went, to, Catholic, school, for, 12, years so I for real didn't know any Jewish people.

Yeah., We, had, very, few, Jew, but, this, is how few Jews we had. I was in Great Neck Long Island where there's a lot of um I always confuse Orthodox and what's the other one?

Yeah., Yeah., And, uh, I, think, these, were acidic with the thing and and my a family member I don't want to out specifically in case she gets st but a family member was like uh I thought they couldn't be out like during the day. I swear to God we were like in our 20s. I was like during the day what are they [ __ ] vampires

during, the, day?, I, was, like, no, no, they, go out during the day. They got jobs and everything. It's uh

so, you, can't, see, their, horns. I was kind of like blown away. I was like, "What?" But maybe she thought use electricity on Saturday.

That, is, a, thing., My, Yeah., My, uh, one, of my friends lived next door to some of those guys. They weren't the

curly, guy., I, get, them, confused,, too., I think they were Orthodox, so they would have him, a gentile, come to their house and like flick the lights for him.

Yeah,, there's, a, lot, of, that. Do, they, pay, you, for, those, services? What, do, you, think,, Nate?

You, sent, me, up, there. Yeah,, I, think, it, was, just, a, general goodwill. I think the day before 9/11 they were like, "Yo, by the way, just be careful out there.

Don't, go, to, work. Jews, are, having, a, tough, time, right, now, by the way."

They, are. Yeah. I, personally, like, them,, but, a, lot, of people are [ __ ] I do. I was raised in a very pro-Jew house. My dad, he would always be like, "I love Jewish people."

I, I, love, Jewish, people,, too. Yeah., He, love, He, and, he, But, it, was, funny cuz he'd be like "Dude, I love the Jews. I just love how they operate with their money." And I'd be like "All right." I was a little kid being like "Cool."

He, would, tell, us, he, was, like, he, would say he's an Irish Jew. No, kidding., Yeah., They, never, came., Isn't that Scottish folks?

Scottish, people, are, known, for, being, very frugal. Joke. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah,, my, dad, would, for, real, like, use their he would like admire the things people hate about them. He's like, "I love the way they act with their money."

He's, like,, "More, people, got, to, do, it." I'm like "Nice, Dad." Not, trying, to, bite, your, dad,, but, that, is my favorite thing about Jewish people. People knocking for that, but I think it's cool as hell to be like, "These are my bros. I'm going to look out for my bros."

I, Yep., Well,, yeah., They're, very, When, you when you really look into the religion it gets a little spooky.

It, really, does., Like,, if, you, read, about it, it's like I love love the squad, but like you read about what they're up to and you're kind of like

but, isn't, that, if, you, look, into, any religion like Not, really,, dude., Look, at, Christianity.

Imagine, if, Christianity, was, feeding who's getting fed to tigers or lions. That's Christians.

Those, are the, [ __ ], Romans,, dude. Yeah., And, they, were, feeding, Christians to

Yeah,, they're, feeding, everybody. Okay., Okay. Romans, are, feeding, everybody.

It's, not, a, special, thing, that, happened where like Catholics was getting fed to lions. Am I remember? They did.

Not, Catholics,, but, Well,, Christians. Okay. Okay. This, episode, is, brought, to, you, by, Prize Picks.

Man, you, have, to, sound, like, Shane,, too. Football, is, back., I, can't. You, have, to, sound, like, you, have, to, sound like him.

Football, is, back,, baby., What, an, absolute What an absolute crazy weekend of football. Week one was quarterbacks throwing touchdowns, running backs running, linemen pushing each other that one wide receiver who did that one thing. That was insane, man. I'm so pumped. Sorry, dude. I know you're you're not really a football guy. You're talking about that one wide receiver who did that thing in the one game. Oh wait. So, you're about that football accent?

Yeah,, I, cooked, up, like, 20, different lineups this weekend on prize picks. It was simple, quick, and fun. Oh, so you about that real money? Feels good to be right. Football action.

That, sentence, doesn't, make, sense,, but, it felt so good, man. More on rushing yards, less on kicker field goals, more on touchdowns, less on pass attempts. Shane, I did it all.

Wow. Yeah,, man., And, this, weekend,, Travis Kelce is at max discount, too. Travis, Kelce.

Yeah,, he, just, needs, one, yard, for, you, to win on prize picks this Sunday.

Travis, Kelce. Travis, Kelce., Prize, picks. It's, good, to, be, right., Download, the, app today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. The That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right.

Who, do, you, think, the, funniest, group, is? Cuz Jews got to be up there. Yeah they're up there. I mean, it's it's between Jews and black people, I feel like. Don't you think?

Yeah., You, mean pound-for-pound, through, like, the, last hundred years or so?

I'd, say., Yeah., And, then, third,, I'm giving it to the Italians. What? Italians, make, me, laugh.

Black, people, love, Italians., You, kid. Black people love it. Honestly,, black, people, want, to, be Italian. They might

want, to, be, Italian. Yes,, you, do., Black, people, want, to, be Italian. Want, to, be, black, people.

Every, time, I, see, a, black, dude, eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're alapone. If you hear a black dude spaghetti

well,, very, similar., I, mean,, you, have, big dicks funny kind of loud, and uh very stylish. Clothing's a big deal.

Yeah,, that's, kind, of, what, I, don't, know. I've always liked it. My, wife, does, it., She's, like,, she'll, talk about Italians like they're cool, and I'm like, they're not [ __ ] cool. Get over this.

The, coolest., This, is, a, bug, in, your programming. They're, definitely, the, coolest, whites.

Well,, it, depends, on, if, we're, talking about like standup comedy funny or just hanging out funny. Like Italians accidentally are [ __ ] Hey, what the [ __ ] Look at you. Look at me. That's funny.

And, similarly, with, black, people,, it's just a funny way of talking. A funnier vernacular than, you know, certainly. But if you do stand up, Irish really making a great push. As a Boston guy, I feel like I have to.

Yeah,, I, would, say, Ireland, is, a, land, of the poets for sure. Yeah., Y'all, are, y'all, I, like, y'all, a lot, too. But just Italians are more they're they're they're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny.

They, are, dumb, funny. Yeah, Italians, are, good., But, black, people might be number one. I mean, you think for pound-for-pound?

I, mean,, you're, just, you're, just, hanging out with a black guy, he's going to be funnier than most of the white guys in the room.

I, I, feel, like,, you, know, what, it, is, though. But then it's like Yeah, for sure. 100%. But then it's like I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice, you know, cuz there's a lot of black dudes that were just kind of just like boring kind of. And it's I always feel bad. You can be a boring white guy you're totally fine, but being like a boring black guy sucks.

Yeah., No., Yeah., I, know, a, few, that, you're like, "Wow, really skipped a generation." Well, I always tell this story. I was on the subway one time and there was two guys yelling ac like one was at the other stop. So, it was like 50 ft away and they were just having a conversation and this guy he he said the N word, but I'll clean it up. But he's like he's like, "Yo, that [ __ ] is so sweaty." He looked like he put a water balloon in a in a headlock. And I was like, "That's like poetry. It's like I'm like, "Did you just make that up?

A, water, balloon, in, a, headlock?", I, was like, "That's like better than anything I've heard in three years."

The, funniest, thing, I've, ever, heard,, it was a long long time ago. I I was in Philly just, you know, doing stand up in the early days. And I I used to do a lot of black rooms and this one guy, there was a Muslim dude in the crowd and he was just like "Yo, how'd you get your How many turtles do you have to sell to get your red beard, man? What point they upgrade?" And it was just like I was like "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After you sell your hanth beard red why do Muslims dye their beard red, by the way?" Hannah.

Hannah. I, think, so. Like, tats? Yeah., Like like, fake, dye. Oh,, I, thought, some, just, had, red, beards. Like pirates.

It's, like, dye., It's, like, party, dye., I honestly, have, no, idea. No,, I, don't, know., I'm, finding, out, I'm not very cultured here. I didn't know the Polish thing. The fat dick Polish stuff beard.

I', I've, heard, it., I, don't, know, where, I heard that from. I heard dicks. I've, read, a, book, where, they, talked, about a Polish guy who would call he would call his dick the Polish hog.

And, did, he, write, the, book? No,, the, guy, who, wrote, it, was, not, Polish.

He, He, was, not It's, a, kids, book. Yeah., Daddy,, why, is, your, Polish, friends dick so fat?

H dying the beard red with henna is a sunnah practice. So it's a Muslim thing. But, what, the, why?

It's, just, something, about, Muhammad. Oh., Oh,, it's, like, the, blood, of, your enemies or something.

It, could, be., I, don't, know. The, blood, of, the, infidel. I'm, getting, nervous, now.

Yeah., Muhammad, apparently, encouraged, his That's, kind, of, cool, though., I, can, get behind that.

Well,, you're, talking, about, Muhammad, was a fierce warrior. I was paying respects.

Yes. Absolutely. Hell, yeah. Absolutely., What's, uh, what, else, is, going on?

Oh, boy. Now Muslims are in they're cool. They're chilling, bro. They were at Public Enemy number one for like 10 years ago.

Public, enemy, number, one. Certainly, 24, years, ago, almost, to, the day. Yeah.

You, quick, math, you, did, in, your, head. Actually was pretty good. Yeah., Coming, up, in, the, big, Annie.

True. Where, were, you, guys, for, 911? Grade, school. Yeah. I, was, great. So, happy., I, was, in

Wow., You, look No,, I, was in, high, school., I, was, in, high school. My bad. My bad. I was like

Yeah,, I, was, definitely, in, high, school. My bad. I was like a junior. Yeah. I was like a sophomore.

Hell, yeah. sophomore in high school. That's where I was. Okay. And, they, like, wheeled, a, TV, into, the class and like showed us the news and I I still was completely lost on me.

Wow. I, was, like,, "Are, we, getting, out, early, or not?" And then we did and I was like "Nice."

911, didn't, hit, me, for, how, [ __ ], up, it was until like this year. I watched that uh

like, for, real., I, watched, that, that, Osama bin Ladock where the first episode breaks down the the and that was like I was the first time I really watched it as an adult. But I'm sitting there like and I had lived in New York since then so I'm sitting there like, "Oh, that was like for real." But when I was a kid, I was just like, "Oh, yeah. Shit."

Well,, I, guess, it, feels, normalish,, like if you're young. How old are you? What?

I, was, in, sixth, grade,, so, I, was, probably like 12. 12., Yeah. Yeah., I, was, I, don't, know, what, the, hell, I was talking about. I was definitely 15 or I was like 15 years old.

I, was, 19. Okay., So,, you So,, I, was, at, home, like, I, was, I, had graduated high school. I was just doing standup and nothing else. And my sister woke me up and said, "Somebody's shooting at the World Trade Center." Cuz I think it was like knew. Yeah.

She, Nobody, knew., She, was, like,, "They're shooting at the World Trade Center." I was like "Oh, wow. That's crazy."

Yeah. I, woke, up, and, it, was, wild. You, saw, the, planes., Yeah., We, I, I, don't know. I remember being for real. I I I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school.

No,, I, think, that's, fair., I, think, that's most people that were in school.

Yeah., Just, sent, us, home, and, I, was, like, "Sweet." My parents were like kind of freaking out and I was like, "Whatever."

Maybe, not, the, New, Yorkers., They, probably were. Yeah., That, was, terrible., Yeah.

But, It's, funny, cuz, I, was, like, pretty close. I was already in Philadelphia. So, I was like not that far from it right?

But, it, could, have, been, it, was, like, might as well been on the other side of the country. I was just like, "Well, not my problem."

I, was, there, in, August., I, have, a, photo, of the World Trade Center from like August 2nd or something like that.

I, was, like, underneath, it. Whoa., You're, saying? No,, no,, no., Like, a, month, before.

The, old, one? Yeah., The, Twin, Towers., Like, I, was, there like six weeks before that.

The, new, one's, the, biggest, uh, building, in America. Yeah., In, the, Western, Hemisphere., I, live right across the street.

Do, you, really? Yeah., It's, right, out, my, window., That's awesome. Do you get

know, where, I, live? That, Muslim, talk., I, want, to, let, people know my exact address.

I, Dude,, I, mean,, I, could, be, wrong., I, was taking a wild guess. I don't know what. Can you look up the origins of the red dye? It's probably not that.

Yeah, but, yeah., I, don't, know., I, don't, know. I, love, that., I, was, like,, we're, like, let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk 911.

It, says, uh, it, says, it's, just, a, act, of devotion. Okay., And, uh, you, know, for, older, men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age.

Oh, to, hide, the, gray. Yeah,, I, guess, so. So, probably, go, bald, dyed, a, beard.

But, some, people, do, black, instead., It's just some, people, do, just, jet, black.

Yeah., Yeah. That's, pretty, tight. That's, cool. I, guess dyed jet black. So, it's, just, kind, of, like, you, know

I, think, it's, just, like, a, swag, thing. Yeah. It, feels, like, a, way, to, just, Yeah., look like you're not aging.

Yeah. Yeah., That's, kind, of, what, I'm, hearing. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah. Yeah., We, got, two, pays, for, uh, for, the religion.

Yeah., For, Muhammad. I', I've, talked, to, a, Muslim, guy,, an, Uber driver, and I was asking him like "What's the deal with like for real the multiple wives? Is it like it can't be as cool as everyone says?

What's, the, deal, with, the, multiple wives?" Dude,, I Who, are, these, wives?

How, do, they, get, along?, I, do, a, happy, to chat and Uber and most people will check it and be like, some people check it and they're like, "Fuck this guy. I'm not doing it. But a lot of them will check and be like, I now have to entertain this guy. And they'll just chat me up.

Oh,, wow. It's, so, fun. I, know, you, can, do, that. Oh,, yeah., You, can, select, preferences. You You can select shut the [ __ ] up. Basically, don't talk.

That's, when, you, select, shut, the, [ __ ], up. That's what I'm saying. Maybe, here,, but, New, York,, I've, never, had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York City.

They, can't, probably., They, probably can't. What, do, you, mean? Do, you, ever, try, Did, you, ever, see, their phones? There's [ __ ] like Space Invader [ __ ] on their phone. You can't even see. I see letters. I'm like, I don't even, know, what, that, is.

I, was, thinking, like, unable, like like, not allowed to. I you realize that you're saying they can't speak the language.

I, don't, know., I, could, be, wrong., I, feel like it's much more business in New York. Get in the Uber. It's cuz they have like half taxi hybrid stuff.

Right., Right. But, that's, what, I, hate, about, the, middle of the country is like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like "Well, so what brings you here?" And you're like, "Oh, fuck."

Yeah. No,, I, love, that., I, love, cuz, I'll, start asking them. I was, Dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers cuz you got like a 20-minute ride and I'll just start chatting them up. It's kind of fun.

I've, had, so, many Lot, of, divorced, guys., A, lot, of, divorced guys. I got I've had a lot of tales of like love lost and

that's, definitely, the, job, you, do., As soon as everything falls apart, you have your other job and you're like, I got to do something else with my time.

Got, to, get, an, apartment. Have, you, been, recognized, in, a, lift? Have, you, been, recognized, in, a, lift?

Uh,, I, don't, know., I, maybe, once,, but, not No. I've like beat around that bush here and there and then people I've had people talk to me about chain and lifts and they're like, "Dude, this guy Shane Gillis is so funny."

Oh,, that's, great. I'm, like,, "Yeah,, he's, good., He's, great. He's awesome.

I, should, start, trashing, him.", Like,, I've heard he's a [ __ ] giant [ __ ]

Yeah,, he's, a, piece, of, [ __ ], that, guy. No, kidding. They, probably, kick, you, out, though., Like, Big Labowski, get the [ __ ] out of my game. You don't say [ __ ] about him. Get one star.

It's, happened, to, me, a, lot., I've, been, in gyms and like this one guy, I swear to God cuz at first I was like almost like does this guy know of the podcast? And I don't think he did at all. But I was in a gym on the road. I was like getting guest passed. The one guy wore he was like leaning into fall fashion and the other guy at the gym was like Shane would think you're gay and I was just like whoa. His [ __ ] his net has traveled into like Lifetime Fitness.

That's, hilarious. Yeah,, it's, pretty, great. I, had, a, I, had, a, funny, one, of, those, once where a dude couldn't remember his name. He was describing he was just stopped me on the street and was like it was when I was trying to move down here. Some dude was trying to like talk to me about his comedy or whatever. He didn't know I was a comic. He just started talking to me drunk and uh

he, was, started, I, just, asked, him, like, who his favorite comic was. Just trying to small talk. I was just smoking a Jay trying to kill Tom. And he goes ah this guy he goes on Rogan. He uh he talks about, politics., So, I, was, like, all right that's not Shane. So I'm I go like Tim Dylan. And he goes he's like a handsome Tim Dylan. And I don't know why she just was so [ __ ] funny to refer to as a handsome Tim Dylan.

It's, funny, because, Tim, is, a, very handsome guy. Yeah. He's just, you know obese. Just

you, see, young, Tim, Dylan., He's, very handsome. Hey, blue eyes. He's a very attractive man.

He, is, an, attractive, male. I, blew, him. Yeah., No,, the, uh, it, is, fun, getting, in the Uber. I I will say getting guys from Pakistan in an Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, "What do you think about American women?" And they just do they go off. It's the best. It's so funny. They're no good.

And, also,, no, one, believed, me., The divorce rate in Pakistan, he was like "What is the divorce rate in Pakistan?" I, was, like, "I, don't know., What, do, you guys got like 10%." He was like, "1%."

Wow. And, nobody, believes, me., They, look, it, up. It's literally 1%. The divorce rate in Pakistan.

Is, it, a, sin?, What, What's, the Yeah,, I, think, it's, like, completely frowned upon. How often do wives die in Pakistan?

Now, you're, on, to, something. I, think, I, got 90%, of, wives, die, before, the, age, of, 40, in Pakistan.

No,, but, I, Well,, yeah., Or, maybe, in Pakistan, I don't know. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little hand you can get like

you, can, use, bouncer, rules. Kind, of, fold, their, hands, across, their chest, move them out of the room

put, them, in, timeout., But, also,, what, I was asking the guy about multiple wives he was like, it's not like everyone says, "Yeah, you can totally get another wife, but you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them."

Oh,, interesting. Yeah., And, And, you, got, to, like, It's, a whole thing. You got to like put them together, make sure they get along. But he's like, "Yeah, you're totally totally within your right

and, you, can, just, hang, out, in, the, house with both of them. It's not like separate homes."

I, think, it's, separate, homes., I, think, you need to be able to have I think I could be wrong, but the way he described it is you got to be able to like fully support another. But I feel like in Pakistan, I don't think you'd I don't know. I think you'd be able to kind of put them in like apartment A, apartment B, maybe.

All, right., I'm, just, thinking, out, loud over here. No,, it, was, kind, of, He's, like,, it's, not as cool as everyone says. Which I'm like I agree. I'm like I've I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing. I think it is not as cool as people say.

One, wife,, couple, girlfriends. Dude,, my, my, youngest, daughter, is, like really wants me to get a girlfriend.

She, keeps, saying, she's, like,, "Dad,, do you have a girlfriend?" I'm like "No I'm married." She's like "Dad, you need a girlfriend." And I'm like, "All right

a, good, kid.", You, didn't, tell, you, about that. It's, like,, "I, thought, you'd, be, furious if I had a girlfriend." It's one reason I don't have a girlfriend.

You, brought, it, up, to, your, wife. Yeah,, I, tell, her, all, the, time., I'm, like, Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend.

I, don't know., I, feel, like, if, she, got older, she would take I'd be like "Dude, you said when you were three

got, to, get, it, in, right." You, know what, weirds, me, out?, The, hall pass talk among couples. Like, who would your hall pass be? It's like, don't talk about that. Yeah, we never had that conversation. But

it's, a, it's, a, totally, fruitless conversation, right? Cuz, you, already, know., It's, like, Yeah, just be like I don't know. I think it's [ __ ] lame. I don't like it.

I, don't, I, don't, like, it, cuz, I, know you're not saying you're the real thought. Like if I asked her, she would say somebody that would be unattainable but her real hall pass she'd want to say is just like a guy she worked with.

Right., Right., Yeah., You, know,, just, like one of your close friends. The, guy, she's, always, thinking, about. Well, that's what I think. I think everyone secretly wants to [ __ ] their spouse's friends.

Really? Don't, you, think?, Or, siblings. I, could, see, where, you're, coming, from, but I don't

extra,, you, know,, you, know. Yeah. Like, if, I, could, I, could, have, sex, with any woman. It wouldn't be Anne Hathaway. It would be, you know, my wife's

friends, aunt,, we'll, say,, just, throw, her, off, the scent. But yeah, one of her buddies. you know, our childhood friend or something.

I'm, trying, to, run, through, the, list in, my, head. I, don't, know., I, think, it, might, just, be like the first person I see outside

right? Be, our, neighbor, across, the, hall. Well,, I, think, that's, the, case., I, think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman. Is that something?

I've, heard, that., Yeah. I, wonder, if, that's, true., Well, I, think, you, want, to, feel, guiltree.

Yeah. So, that, way, if, you, get, caught,, you, can be like, "She's a [ __ ] pig. She's nothing compared to you.

Yeah,, she's, gross. She's, ugly. Well,, or, she, can, be, super, high, and, be like, "What am I supposed to do? Say no to that? She's way better than you."

Yeah,, that's, a, good, one. I, always, thought, it, was, just, younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady.

Yeah. Yeah,, that, makes, sense. Kind, of, like, the, I, think, there's, always going at a pizza shop. I think every like female cashier is in the hot seat in terms of like the 50-year-old Italian guy.

Yeah, I've, heard, of, that, happening, a, lot. That's, big, in, New, Jersey., Every, high school girl gets uh lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss.

Really? Dude,, even, Burger, King,, like, a, Burger King, there's like it's all like high school

kids,, a, lot, of, girls, working, there., For every Burger King, there's like a 40-year-old manager who's like chances are he's being, you know, a FEA file let's say

right? He's, Yeah,, I've, heard, I've, heard, about I've heard tales like that.

I, used, to, work, with, this, I, ain't, going I'm trying to be vague. I used to work with this guy. He was like smash and wanted to She was like 18.

Uh like, 18, or, she, she, was, 18, or, 19, similar to 18. I, think, I, think, she, was, 18., I, got, she's 18 or 19. That's how I remembering it. I think I would have been I was like 16 then so I think I would have still known if it was real [ __ ] up. But anyway, I just remember

not, back, then., You, would, not. That's, what, I'm, trying, to, remember. That's why I'm saying like I'm trying to run it in my head like what?

Whatever., Yeah., Yeah., I, think, 18, though. I really do. Um because I know she was like a senior in high school and [ __ ] But anyway

you're, sweating., It, wasn't, me., I, don't give a [ __ ] But but the the guy I remember he would just he was just always like taking her into the just when we would clean up the story. Take her into the fitting room. They [ __ ] we I was like the only one who knew and her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards and I' and I'd see it and I just I didn't know him. Like we didn't go to school together or anything. It's just I and the one time I just saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips like as soon as they got and I just was like I Oh my god.

It's, like, she, gave, him, a, nice, greeting though. She, snowballed., You, know,

she, snowalled. Bring, your, chick, home., She's, got, fresh load from her Burger King manager. I'm into it.

Been, around, a, long, time,, you, know., It's kind of fun. It's, tough, being, a, high, school, age, male. Yeah, cuz it's tough. You never know.

Yeah., Yeah,, I, got, I, got, dominated, like that. I heard some um a chick I used to date, she used to get picked up by some old guy, just her one of her friends told me, "Yeah, some dude, he was like 25, she was like 16, just used to pick her up from her job."

We, used, to, go, to, a, when, I, was, growing, up and like in high school, uh we would go to this place called Painters Crossing and it was just like a shopping center like an AMC movie place and just like you know, random other [ __ ] restaurants like a friendlies and we would see those like cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up and they were like sharks. They were just 25-year-old dudes who would just come pray on your like cool high school girlfriends. You'd be like, "Come on, let's get out of here." You just like "No, they're here." They would just circle the park and stand outside their cars and you'd have to like get your girlfriend out of there cuz she would get molested by a older man.

Yeah., I, remember, my, girlfriend, was, a year younger than me and then I didn't go to college and then she graduated went to college and

Yeah. We, broke, up., I, like, initiated, the breakup cuz I was like "You want to break up, right?" Yeah

like, clearly, this, isn't, gonna, be, great. And I started doing comedy. So I was like hanging out with like 50-year-old men immediately. And then I'd be like "Come on, I'm doing comedy." It would just be a bunch of middle-aged guys and like me. She's like, "This is awful." And then I'd go visit her at college and it's just the hottest

football, playy, guy., And, I'm, like, I, was like "You want to break up?" She's like, "I do."

She, was, too, nice, to, do, it. Yeah., And, I, I, I, feel, like, I, could, just, I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation, a girl would just be like, "I like the comfort of having a boyfriend. that I'm going to get here and slowly leave.

They'll, definitely, cheat, a, little, too., I think I, would, imagine, I, did, the, right, thing, in high school. I broke up. I was dating someone. I was just like, "We can't when I go to high school and I felt bad, but or when I go to college."

She, was, pissed., Yeah,, she, was, in, eighth grade. She had an eighth grade volleyball championship.

But, you, can't, that, I, mean, that, destroys that destroys uh high school romances. I had a guy like sit me down a long time ago and be like, "Bro, like trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart." He's like "You guys are going to last." And I was like, "Fuck dude. Why why why you doing this to me?" He was like, "Just move on."

Wow. It's, kind, of, rough. But, I, mean,, yeah,, he, was, he, was, wise. He's, like, "This, will, never, last.", I, was like "All right, well, thanks, man."

I, only, broke, up, with, one, woman, my, whole life, and she accused me of cheating. It was kind of hot. She was like "You're cheating on me." She was Italian. She was like "You're cheating on me. I know it. You piece of shit." I was like, I'm not. I wish I was.

Yeah. I, was, like,, I, just, don't, care, for, you. Yeah., I, would, say, breaking, up, I, still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with.

Yeah., No,, I, remember, having, like, a, panic attack. It was horrible. Oh,, it's, horri., It's, It's, like, literally the most lethal lethal or like, you know, brutal conversation you can have to be like, "Hey, I don't want to

don't, want, to, see, you, ever, again." It's, essentially, what, you're, saying., Or like I would I I'm open to it, but I just want to just, you know, maybe we could be like stranger more like strangers to each other.

Yeah., No,, it, was, rough., I, had, a, thing. It, was, funny., I I, was, dating, this, woman and I just didn't like I only dated her cuz I was single for like seven years.

Mhm. And, I, thought, people, were, going, to, think I was gay. I was like, I got to get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay. And so I knew her from work. So I started dating, but I never liked her. I wasn't into her. It was just whatever. She beard basically was Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Uh, so we were dating and then it was like I wanted to break up with her but I didn't. And then Christmas was like coming upon us and I was like, "Shit, I got to get her a [ __ ] gift." Cuz I just put off

breaking, up, with, her., And, literally, I was driving to meet up with her like on December 23rd. It was like Christmas Eve Eve

and, I, was, like,, "Oh,, dude.", I, remember we were at this store one time and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Heer. I'm like "I'll stop and pick that up."

And, so, I, just, grabbed, on, the, way, there, handed it to her like, "Merry Christmas." and she opened it and just started balling. She's like "Nobody's ever loved me this much." You remembered? And I was like, "Fuck."

Oh,, you're, right., You, had cuz, I, like, wanted, to, break, up, with, her and then I just bought like some random [ __ ] I'm like, I kind of remember. She brought that. And she had dated like bad boys or whatever before. I was like the nice guy. And so I just nailed the gift and I was like, I just [ __ ] she was like literally crying like, "No one's ever loved me like this in my life." And I was like, "Oh, god damn it." But then right after Christmas, my grandfather died and then she didn't come to the funeral and I used that perfect as an excuse. She's like, "I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was." And I was like "Well, you should have looked it up. You piece of [ __ ] You [ __ ] careless bitch."

And, so, I, was, like,, "That, was, my, out." But I remember being horrifi like truly like shaking trying to

think, about, it, for, like, three, months., By the time you're getting broken up with the person's probably thought about it for anywhere from six months.

Yeah. And now she's married and I'm married. So that's good. Yeah. Worked out the best.

My, My, dad, and, Jess, when, I, was, in, grade school told me to always break up with a girl before Christmas so I didn't have to buy her anything. And I like actually did that one time like right before Christmas and it was I was like

for, real, the, meanest, thing, you, could, do to like that was like seventh we you know and you're like we're dating but you don't ever even see the person. You just like hold hands in recess for like three days.

Like, I, meant, October, you, [ __ ], idiot. Yeah, I felt bad about that. It was funny having like a girlfriend in like seventh grade and you just they like we're dating and you just see them at recess and then you'd break up two days later.

In, fifth, grade,, Jen, Jen, McCarthy, not, to, be, confused, with, Jenny, McCarthy, the antivax hut lady. But yeah, and we she was dating two guys. It was she was dating Matt Will and and me and cuz you didn't hook up. We were in fifth grade. We didn't even kiss. Yeah.

So, she's, like, "These, are, my, two boyfriends." And then the three of us would like hang out like Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty cool.

And, then, uh, Yeah., You, just, broke, up, cuz like summer happened and you didn't have any way of

seeing, her., Yeah. You're, like,, "All, right,, that, was, that." Did, she, break, up, with, both, of, you?

I, don't, even, remember., I, think, she, was more into him cuz he was more of a like a fatherless ah

man., So, I, think, he, was, probably fingering her and I was like we're both like it felt like they definitely had Yeah. Yeah. I was just like I don't know. Yeah, I remember being in grade school. I think I might have been sixth grade and an eighth I was just like sitting, you know, I was like on the maybe gymnasium floor at like an assembly and an eighth grade girl laid her boob on my hand.

Whoa. And, I, just, sat, there. This, eighth, grade? Yeah,, bro. Yeah,, bro., It, was, awesome., And, I, just sat I just remember just my hand just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly. Then she got up and I was so confused cuz I was like, "Is that my [ __ ] girlfriend now?

Is, that, a, bass?, I, don't, even, know.", It was it was over the shirt at second base technically, but it was back in my hand. So,

still, something. It, was, It, was, definitely, something. Yeah., It, was, so, much, so, that, I, was, like, "Can you just touch lady's boobs? Is that like a thing?" I would We had tables in my grade school and I would slowly elbow over and like hit the lady's boob next to me and they'd like "Get off me." Like, I don't know. One lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like, I, don't know., I, thought, you, guys, I thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbow.

I, wish, I, could, redo, life,, you, know? Don't we all? I feel like I could really do better. Not that I would be like a crazy [ __ ] crushing man, you know? I'm still me. But I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex.

Yeah,, for, sure. Even, in, high, school,, I, feel, like, I, could have right for myself.

No,, it, happened., I, I, was, like, not nothing really doing. And then uh little bit little bit in late grade school and then not sex obviously. That's weird when people have sex and they're in eighth grade. I'm like

you, do, it, kind, of, freaks, me, out., But, I remember I got like I like lost a bunch of weight my junior year and it just I got like shredded out of nowhere. I got I I kept getting grounded for drinking.

So, I, would, just, like, act, like, I, was, in prison and just do like pull-ups in my basement and I got like actually shredded

just, reading, spiritual, books, dyed, my, beard, red. But, yeah,, no, I, uh, and, yeah,, I, remember, I just like hit this weird spurt of like I've never gotten never like I don't know. Oh, I just hit like a I went on like a tear in high school, then like the beginning of college, just monstrous dry spell.

I, was, just, I, was, just, thinking, about, a lady that I realized I could have [ __ ] in high school cuz she she just followed me like a couple weeks ago or like last week on Instagram and I saw that and I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known it was like a green light. She was like, "Uh, I I wish I could mess with you, but I'm I'm I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend." And like, but her saying that out loud is really going like, "I'll [ __ ] you and I won't tell your girlfriend." You didn't realize this at the time?

No,, I, was, like, in, 10th, grade., I, just didn't take it. I don't know. I didn't I didn't

That's, fair., 10th, grade,, I, guess. I, might, have, been, 10th, 11th., I, think, I tried to sell myself short. It was 11th.

I, was, always, so, afraid, of, being, a, bad guy. You feel like you make a movie. She's like, "What the [ __ ] You piece of shit." That was like such a fear. But

I, grew, up, listening, to, hip-hop., I, didn't give a [ __ ] about. Oh, yeah., If, anything,, it, was, like, No. When I was young, like we didn't It was It wasn't cool to kiss ladies.

That's, crazy., Dude,, I, I, feel, like, that. I remember being like somebody being like, "Oh, you kissed her." Like cuz they suck dicks. I know that's dumb now.

Oh,, I, see. This is like the gayest thing I've ever heard. It was cuz they were homophobic. I see. Yeah. Yeah.

I, always, looked, at, it, that, was, the, chain of events. I still follow base procedure, by the way.

Yeah., Now, you, got, it. It's, kiss,, touch, boobs,, touch, vagina, then have sex. I still hold it down that way.

The, girl, I, lost, my, virginity, to,, we didn't kiss for six months. We were dating and I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult that that happened and he was and she cheated on me. She's the one who was like the McDonald the getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about and [ __ ] like that. I also heard she got cheated on by like getting a train ran or all that all that she cheated on me doing that [ __ ] Yeah. But so we're talking about that. I talked about how they kiss her for 6 months. He was like you mean you dated a chick who was just letting you [ __ ] her and not kiss her for 6 months and you didn't realize she was a hoe? Like she's not she's like, "Yeah, you're doing the right thing, not kissing me." It's kind of her energy. I don't know. I thought that

she's, like, pretty, woman., She's, Julia Roberts. Pretty woman. She's not allowed to kiss.

It, is, funny., You, You, guys, were, in, like, a serious relationship though. You guys were like

Yeah., She, was, the, first, person, I, was like, I I was I love you. I was hanging out with her dad. It was all that stuff.

Really, was, bad, for, everyone's, brain, man. Yeah. I like sold Coke for a while because I was like, "This is so cool." And you get older, you're like, that's such a bad

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Selling, coke's, pretty, cool., You, get money right? You, don't, honestly,, I, swear, to, God, dude, you don't make as much as you think because I sold weed for a while too. I made way more money selling weed. Coke is like unless you're getting like big amounts of it, you don't make as much for in terms of like the risk of going to jail. If you just get like a couple ounces of Coke and break them down into 20 bags, you like you make money off it, but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed and you would

not, the, jail, like, from, like, selling, an eightball to a pound of weed is like completely

right., Dudes, I, knew, who, sold, crack, like they never seem like heard, that's, pretty, profitable.

I, don't, I, never, knew, anybody, who, was, top guy,, you, know what, I, Everybody, I, knew, they were like fine. They were like, but they all they lived together. Like it was like three brothers that I was hanging out with. One time they sent me to sell crack for and I wait. I don't think I told you.

Now, we're, off, on, a, topic. Which, fast, food, chain, were, you operating?, Wait., So, So, their, house, was like right down the street from this park uh called I think it was Barbies Park it was called. So I had to I took the crack and I took their bike and so you have to go up this bridge that's like up a hill and then down the hill. So I go up the hill then I start going down the hill. The the park's right at the end of the hill and I realize as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work. So I go to sell crap and then I can't stop the bike and I spit out and fall.

Oh,, you, got, to, like, you, got, to, animate this. This is like [ __ ] the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And, then, and, then, a, car, just, stops, like slams on the brake. It's just two Puerto Rican dudes and they just start pointing and laughing out of like a a Civic. And then I then I go sell it.

You, have, a, vi, you, in, a, vial, of it., No,, it, wasn't., It, wasn't, I, remember being, in, a, vial, though., That's, all I always see on TV, but it was in like a little like same bag you put weed in.

Right., Right., Right. And, uh Excuse, me. Did, you, complete, the, mission? Yeah,, I, completed, the, mission., It, was for 30 bucks and then I went back and I think I just told him like I fell on the bike. You tell me the bike.

That, is, [ __ ], hilarious. You, dropped, the, Crackmobile,, didn't, you? You're, like, here's, the, crack., Do, you guys have any uh gauze?

I, want, to, start, a, nonprofit, that, repairs young kids who sell cracks bicycles. Just make sure the brakes are good cuz I didn't think about that. Yeah, there's probably a lot of like kind of janky bikes going around there.

I'm, just, man, told. Huh? I, was, going, to, say, there's, a, good, chance that it was somebody else's bike.

Oh,, come, on., Sean, I, don't, want, to, be, I, didn't, want, to, be That's, jacked, up,, man. Sean's probably right.

Ah, crap. Sorry. That's, nice, to, know, though., If, your, bike gets, stolen,, it's, like, at least,, you know,

absolutely. Someone,, you, know,, someone's, upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Well,, also,, you, know,, it's, got, [ __ ], up brakes, so you're like, watch what happens.

Yeah,, that's, crazy., They, didn't, warn you. The bike had no brakes. Did you have to like use your like sneakers to slow yourself down or like

I, just, remember, falling., I, don't remember exactly how like what like what I tried. I think I tried to like get off and hop and just

Who, bought, the, crack? Uh,, it, was, two, people., It, was, like, an older looking dude and a it was that and a younger guy, but like

I, don't, know. Father, and, son go to the baseball game. Was, that, what, are, the, two, people, in, the in the wire? The He Bugsy and he had this his guy that died. I forget. Yeah never mind.

Bad, riff. Dang., So, that, was, it., That, was, your, that was it for you? That's what weed

bicycle, was, like, I, don't, trust, these, bik I'm not cut out for this. I, also, was, I, think, I, was, always, kind, of phony tough like not like I I would be around the dumb [ __ ] but in my heart I was like no I used to like to fight a lot and then I remember we were supposed to fight after school. This was like 9th or 10th grade and one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me and I just remember being like

this, is, this, is, this, kind, of, stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And then I kind of start I changed who I was hanging with. I had like this one group I was with all the time and then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school.

You, found, La, Mer. I, found, a, version, of, La, Mer., Yeah. Different fat guy. A different funny fat guy.

Yeah., I, I, was, that, that's, what, that's what Coke was for me. It was the absolute I was out of completely out of my I was already out of element with a lot of stuff. But Coke was like these are like bad guy bad guys. And I was like And I never did it by the way. Never even tried it.

Me, either. Never, had, any, I, I, still, I, to, this, day, I detest them. I hear people that do it I go, why the [ __ ] you doing that?

Yeah,, I, was, the, snorting, something, just felt very offputting to me. I didn't care for that. And then I also all my anxiety

that, I, had, growing, up, and, still, now, is all uh like I associate with heart like I'm always afraid my heart's going to stop. My heart's racing. So the idea of doing Coke, I was like my heart will explode. I'll die here.

Yeah,, that, was, always, I, did, a, very similar thing. I actually just I like I had a couple years where I couldn't exercise cuz I'm like I'm going to have a heart attack. I was like 26. Well, it is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit of this. It never worked. But I'm like why

exercise, is, good, for, your, heart,, but like having like stress is bad for your heart? But they both cause your heart to race.

Yeah. So,, shouldn't, like, having, a, panic, attack be uh This is why the bit never worked by the way. But like, shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you?

Like, stress, is, the, worst, thing, for, you. But what does stress do? It raises your heart rate. That's what exercise does. I know. I know that there's probably a explanation. I'm not genuinely like

No., Yeah, asking., But I, don't, know., I, mean, I, thought, I'd, grind, the, podcast, to, a halt with this. I was like, why doesn't it work?

Like,, cocaine, should, be, good, for, your heart. Yeah. It, gives, you, the, same, thing, as, exercise. Like, running a marathon is good for your health. So, why isn't doing blow?

What's, going, on? You, know what?, It's, funny, because, I, I saw a uh just like two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like "You need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible, and it's like somehow good for you. So, I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning and it was like, yeah, it was definitely not the move.

I, literally, had, a, panic, attack, in, my office. So, I was like, "This is not I don't know, what, the, fuck.", But apparently, I guess there's got to be something different with like, you know what? It probably is like your lungs getting kicked into the picture, right?

Versus, just, your, nervous, system, [ __ ] frying you while you sit in a chair.

Well,, some, of, this, Hubberman, thing, Huberman, however you say his name, I I enjoy the guy, but we were at the green room at Mothership and there's all these grip strength. Yes. reading

and, someone, was, like,, "Hubberman, says like grip strength is the number one you know, teller of how long you're going to live."

Yeah. Kurt, Mezers, was, like, triple, mine., I'm like, "There's no way this [ __ ] guy is living longer than me." He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time.

I'm, like,, I, feel, like Yeah,, that, I, don't, know., There's, a, lot of stuff hitting the internet that like does freak me out cuz I've seen that one.

Yeah,, that, one, I, didn't, like, at, all., My grip strength is terrible. Yeah,, mine, was, like, I, didn't, want, to say. Yeah, I knew I was going to [ __ ] say I'm not saying

that, is, devastating. Yeah,, I, I, don't, know., I, I, heard, that too. Like if you can't hang from a bar for like 3 minutes, you're going to die.

Well,, the, other, guy,, Peter, Aia,, he's, the other guy. All these guys that are like age experts all are like 38 years old. I'm like, I want 115y old guy tell. But he said you should be able to carry your body weight

for, up, to, a, minute., So, like, I, weigh, 180 like by your side with a kettle bell. So I weigh like 180 lbs. I'm bad at math. That's 90 lbs on each arm. I should be able to walk for a minute, but I can't even like attempt it cuz I'm scared my arm will [ __ ] rip off.

Yeah., Or, your, knees., Really? Yeah., I, don't, know, about, that., There's, a lot of stuff hitting the internet like that. I saw one where it was like

if, you, want, to, be, able, to, walk, up, 10 flights of stairs when you're 70, here's they had these like lines and [ __ ] and they're like you need to be here now. And it was just like other way. And it's like basically saying if you were like sedentary like you're going to die.

Yeah., Yeah., I, think, we, all, look, pretty good. Yeah., I, think, we're, moving, around., I think we look but I feel like the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like am I doing am I doing all this stuff right? That probably [ __ ] you up in 20 years. Like if you actually think about this [ __ ] you're going to die.

Yeah., Absolutely., Well, then, Hooverman's also like you got to look at the sun at 5:15 for 8 minutes or your kid will be [ __ ] I can't I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm. I have a child and it's like giving your kid sugar within the first 3 years increases their odds of I'm like so I'm just [ __ ] Like I I gave him ice cream already. He's going to die.

And, the, TV, like, the, TV, [ __ ], them. Yeah. I, don't, know., I, feel, like, they'll, be fine. It'll be like they'll be definitely more autistic kids and I don't know.

But, I, mean, I, feel, like, everybody, I, know has sugar as a kid and watched TV as a kid and most people are fine. You know what I mean? Like it's it'll be Why is it, a, problem, all, of a, sudden, right, now?

What, is, it?, It's, so, bad., They, didn't realize how bad it was. But yeah they'll be they're not going to like die, you know.

Yeah,, I, think, they'll, be, okay. They'll, be, fine. He, seems, fine. I, don't, wor, I, don't, Yeah,, I, I, I, can, get hyper obsessed with that [ __ ] though. I have an Aura ring. I'll track my sleep. I'll do all this stuff. Apparently, I don't get any deep sleep.

Really? I, don't, know, what, it, is., I, check, and, I Everything else is great and then my deep sleep is like 30 minutes a night.

Maybe, it's, [ __ ], up. That's, what, I, say., I, told, my, I, told, my wife it's her. I'm like "You just move around probably and [ __ ] my deep sleep up." But

you, ever, try, You, ever, try, all, of, them, at the same time? Apple Watch, Whoop, or Ring and just

see, if, they, all, say, the, same, thing. I, should, do, that. That's, I, feel, like, a, great, test.

I, like, picturing, you, go, to, bed., You, have like Back to Futures on your head. You got like suction cups on your title sleep at your mask for no reason.

But, yeah,, you, got, I, I, just, I, don't, know. You get to a certain point, you're like "No, I'm definitely dying." So, it's like there's I'm going to try to like just maintain the ship as much as I can.

Yeah., Well,, yeah., I, feel, like, an, older dad. I'm like, I got to live as long as I can for this guy and stay healthy. I want to be able to have a pass with him you know? So

I'm, going, to, the, gym, after, this., Don't worry. Yeah, that's, the, big, thing., Once, you, have kids, you really like you guys [ __ ] around a lot. You guys are out drinking carrying on.

Why, you, guys, have, kids?, Why', you, guys have kids, man? You go, man. I got to keep this thing afloat.

Yeah. Well,, just, the, case, for, I've, been, in Austin for 4 days. I've eaten queso like 100% of the meals, including breakfast. Yeah.

I'm, a, fat, [ __ ], I'm, like,, I, can't, [ __ ] my eyes. What, are, you, eating, that, has, breakfast queso?

I, went, to, Magnolia, Cafe,, my, favorite spot. They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day. So, I'm like, I'm here. So, I was eating chips and queso and pancakes.

So, good. Yeah,, I, I, got, I, I, eat, a, lot, of, I, was just in Chicago and I went to the Taste of Chicago. It's like a big food festival. It was all [ __ ] tacos. I'm like, dude, that's all I eat. I'm not It's kind of [ __ ]

Somebody, said, it, last, night, in, Austin, tacos are like pizza in New York. It's like the quick, cheap, just grab it and go. Not a lot of There's not a lot of great pizza here

but, pizza, stays, enjoyable, longer., I'm tired of tacos. There was never I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza.

Yeah,, that's, a, good, point. Pizza., So,, here's, the, thing,, though. Like, if you go on the West Coast, I was telling people about Friday, you have Friday pizza night growing up. Every Friday pizza.

Absolutely. My, friends, out, on, the, West, Coast, now, and he was like telling people out there about that, and they were like, "That's crazy."

They're, like,, "That's, so, bad, for, you, to eat pizza every Friday." Oh,, I, ate, pizza., I, mean,, my, diet, is [ __ ] wild.

Really?, I, eat, McDonald's, like, a, couple times a week. Chicken parm three, four times a week.

How's, the, Mickey, De's, sit, with, you? I, miss, chicken, parm. Is, it, like, diarrhea, right, away, or, do, you pass a healthy movement after Mickey De's?

No,, I'm, okay., I, think, I'm, used, to, I, used to do a joke in my act about this. People were like, "If you don't Someone said this to me like if you stop eating McDonald's for like six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it." So, I did it and I'm like, "No, my body was like, "You're back. God, I took a perfect [ __ ] double tapered [ __ ] It was beautiful. I love it." But again, like I hate to be like dad guy, but it's like sometimes the baby goes, "Dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like just give me some [ __ ]

give, me, something." And, I, live, in, a, luxury, building., I, mean, again, I don't want to be be that guy but I'm doing okay. And I get like I'm embarrassed. There's like a door guy with a suit like handing me my McDonald's bag and I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, "Who is this [ __ ] idiot?" And I do it a lot. It's embarrassing.

That's, kind, of, It's, kind, of, alpha,, dude. I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca-Cola. That's his big thing. Trump smashes McDonald's.

He, loves, McDonald's., Yeah., I, think, Jay Leno, too, is a big fast food. Really?

I, think, he, might, still, be., Yeah. I, haven't, I, swear, to, God,, I, haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades.

Get, yourself, some, McDonald's., It's, fine. I, would, throw, up., I, would, for, real, throw up. I can't eat it.

Terrible, McDonald's., Was, it, the, last time we went to Last time we went to McDonald's? I got a double quarter pounder, a Mc Chicken, and a McDouble. It just and and fries. Like I just I I How'd it sit with you?

Uh, I, took, a, I, took, a, uh, a, probiotic right after you're, like, he's, like, I, looked, at, the sun for a half hour and uh it went down perfect.

You, took, a, probiotic., I, was, like, this might balance the gut the gut [ __ ] and uh no I just [ __ ] a lot in the morning. I took a I drink I drink a smoothie all the time. So like I woke up crush a smoothie. Yeah. I I I call them health potions. I do either green juices or smoothies.

You, do, yin, and, yang. Yeah., Yeah. Exactly, the, same. And, I, I, feel, like, it, kind, of, works.

I, think, so., I, went, to, Juiceland, this morning. I was like, I had queso four times yesterday. I got to have Juice Land. And I took a massive shot. I call it my morning python. Just every morning just a big [ __ ] anaconda.

Just, a, long, log. Yeah., So,, I, think, we're, all, right. Yeah., How, what, how, heavy, will, you, get, if can you go? Will you get fat? This is the heaviest I've been. But I'm also I'm working out more than I've ever worked out. And I'm also eating more than I've worked out. Nice. So I'm like 183 or something. I got, you know, dad stomach. But I look I look okay.

Yeah. And, you, get, the, muscles, from, carrying the kid all the time. He's, wants, to, be, carried, all, the, time and he won't go to this side. Maybe he's autistic. He hates this side. So it's all right arm.

But, uh, yeah,, this, is, the, biggest, I've ever been. But I'm very long. I'm a [ __ ]

Yeah., Yeah., You, know, I, just, I, just, read, a, stat., They, said, 90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed.

That, makes, sense., They, weren't, checking for it. Like they, weren't, checking, for, it., So, there's apparently there's like a, you know it's like endemic in adults. There's like a lot of people who should have been that that now would have been like screened for like on the autism spectrum. But I I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much cuz I I have a a close friend whose brother is like severely aut

you, know, he, has, like, an, iPod, or, AirPods in all the time cuz he needs m and if you say what day you were born he could tell you the day like your date of your birthday. he knows what day

and, also, he, has, to, be, like, attended, like he's got severe autis and then people are like

will, say, to, me, like, I'm, like, ah, that music is driving me crazy like I don't even hear music you might be autistic and I'm like I don't

well, I, don't, identify, as, autistic, like yeah, they, spread, the, net, pretty, pretty far now ADHD is like autism they say if you have that you're also autistic now

really sweet, my, wife's, autistic, Yeah,, that's what I've been trying to say.

I, guess, me, too., Well,, OCD, also, is, so similar. Like I have OCD, but so like there's a lot of similarities. If you read autism thing, I'm like, "Oh, I have that, that, and that." But

yeah, I'm, not, autistic. What's, the, OCD?, How's, that, flare, up? Like, I, I, mean,, I, have, like, weird, First of all, I'm like I blink all the time. Like I do like these blinks and my arm is be flexing all the time, my left arm. and I'll see like um something that I feel like I need to step on or I'll do a weird foot things I need to step on stuff and then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day. I don't get it every and I sleep very quickly turn it off. Okay. Use straws. Straws are going to stab me in the eye. There's a whole bunch of handful of

It's, kind, of, under, the, radar, though., I, I wouldn't know. Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., I, My, wife, does, a, joke about it. She's like he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans. I'm like people think I'm like hand washing. I'm like I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich.

But, you're, just, stepping, not, stepping, on the cracks and Yeah., Yeah., Exactly.

I, can, get, in, I, can, get, in, and, not stepping on the cracks. I'll still do that every now and again. Just It's just fun to be like, "Let me time my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks."

Yeah,, it's, fun. But, I, give, up, after, a, while, but, Yeah., So,, you, got, I, got, problem., But then people now people are like they use it. It's like a virtue to have I'm like embarrassed.

Yeah., I'm, like, trying, my, hardest, not, to blink weird because the YouTube comments like I can't keep my eyes open. It's crazy. I'm like humiliated by it.

Yeah,, it, did, become, cool, to, have, like autism now. It's, either, like, you, got, to, have something if you're if you're like 24 and you're like no I'm I'm good. They're like that sucks.

Yeah., Yeah., No, be, like Yeah., You, got, to, be, kind, of, like, gay, or something.

Cutting, is, big. Cutting, gay. Gay, cutting. Gay, cutting. No,, no., what, I'm, saying., Or, a, minority.

Yeah. A, double, minority. Gay, black, man. Maybe, I'll, become You're, not, gay., You're, the, least, gay person I know.

I, know., But, it's, too, late. I'll, just, be, gay. I, was, laughing, today, about, like especially with the podcast and like ads and all that stuff. There's definitely I I would I would like to think that there are some sort of like boardroom in these like startups or like Spotify where they're like checking almost like a like a stock trading floor. They're reading comments like a lot of people saying the co-host of this podcast is gay. We got to call the magnesium powder people dude to see [ __ ] They're calling him gay. They're calling him a gay schizophrenic loser.

So,, how, did, you, end, up, gay? Uh, they, they, they, said, I, was, being, gay. We went to LA for a week uh when Shay was doing ass. They said Yeah, they said LA. I was just gay in LA. I wasn't. But

what, is, what, was, the, accusion, of, being gay in LA for? I, did., I, mean,, I, said, I, was

You, were, wor, Well,, I, wore, I, wore, one shirt that's not even that cool, but I uh what it really was is

I, I've, been, for, real, for, kind, of homophobic my whole life. Seems like I kid not kissing girls and stuff. And then I, you know, grew out of it, but I still had that thing where I couldn't joke gay that much. and, you know hanging out with y'all. Eventually y'all broke it down and then I got I started trying to have fun gay jokes with y'all. And then the second I did it, it was like, "Yo, what the hell?" And and and then I couldn't say anything without being sus. And then La Mer's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast. He knew what he was doing.

Yeah,, he, did. He, he, got, mad, at, me, all, when, we, were doing panties once cuz he was like, "Uh that's the name of our podcast." So, but he uh he not boxer briefs. But true also sus because cuz when we were talking and I brought up him having sex with those with the with the trans he was like for real mad at that. He was like you tried that. I was like what?

Oh, well, he, he Yeah., And, to, be, fair, I'm, still, Ryan, for La Mer on this dude.

Oh, I'm, on, his, side, too. It's, hilarious., He, lost, his, virginity, to a woman who then became a guy right after. Oh, okay.

And, she, was, like, one, week, in, the, tea. She was I saw a picture of her. She was hot.

He, I, guess, now, was, hot, as, hell. On, paper., It, sounds, funny., And, you, say, I lost her virginity to technically a guy. He lost now.

Yeah. He, lost, virginity, to, a, guy, right?, But, he, sp, that's, kind, of, the wrinkle.

He, spazzed, on, me, on, panties., He, was like, "You were trying to be nasty to me cuz you brought that up and I was like I was being nasty after what you did to me." It was It was It was awful.

Yeah., You'll, now, be, your, descendants, are going to be like, "Oh [ __ ] he was gay. He used to be gay.

He, used, to, be, zesty. All, they'll, know, is, they'll, they'll, do an AI summary and be like, "Your grandfather never kissed girls." And personal policy, you never kissed girls. Ever since he was a child and then was known to be gay. Yeah. The internet legacy will be crazy.

Yeah., It's, kind, of, fun, to Ancestry.com, would, be, so, cool., Seeing all your embarrassing [ __ ] Facebook posts.

It's, going, to, be, digital., That's, for sure. It's going to also have your digital history.

Yeah,, it'll, be, like, a, Yeah,, you, you'd sit down and get like a full download probably like a curated thing of like this is what your father was up to.

Oh,, it's, insane, to, think, about, all, the podcasts. Web, history,, don't, forget, about, web, web history.

Web, history, is, the, one that'll, be, out, there. Like, it's, just, everything, you've, ever jerked off to is going to your kids, not your kids, your kids kids will be

it'll, be, in, your, kids, like, Neurolink thing and they can get like a super fast flash like the speed of their synapses where it can just be like Wow. Yeah, we [ __ ] up.

But, by, then, they'll, be, in, the, weirder [ __ ] probably. I, don't, know, cuz, they, cuz, we, cuz, we, keep getting weirder and weirder.

I, think, porn's, about, to, grind, to, a, halt. I'm not just saying that because I've personally gone through my demons.

I, think, it's, going, I, don't, know,, man., I think, it's, going to, be, on, like, all, kids are going to be it'll be like your kid will now it'll be like you'll see if your kids's looking at smut because you'll have your phones linked kind of.

I, plan, on, Well,, I, have, daughters., I'm not worried about it, but like Yeah., Uh,, I, still, might, put, the, smart checker on there.

The, that, app, you, were, talking, about where it's like the dad. You, ever, hear, Covenant, Eyes?

There's, an, app, called, Covenant, Eyes where you and your son can like link your phone so that like if anything, you know, porn related comes up, it'll trigger like your dad would get like a notification.

Oh,, wow. Yeah. Does, he, get, the, same, notification, when you look at porn? I, think, so., I, think, that's, the, covenant. I think you enter there. There's a

I, think, there's, a, politician, who's, used covenant eyes with his son. Wow., It, sounds, It, does, sound, like, the opposite of like father-son duos who get hookers together.

Wow. Kind, of, land, in, between, the, two somewhere right in the middle. I'm going to do neither of those things.

I, don't, know., But, I, feel, like, you'll have it like like before you we were like I don't think kids will have free range

open, porn., I, think, it's, going, to, be parents going to put a kibash in that.

I, for, real, hope, not., That, [ __ ], was, kind of for real terrible for us. Yeah,, it's, not, good., I, started, I, looked at like Red Tube when I was had to be 12 or 13 for the first time.

I, never, had, any, porn., I, was, all, Sears catalog and stuff. We, had, magazines, later.

I, did, Sears, Catalog, and, then, I, came, in in college was like when I could start downloading it and then it was just open on the internet my whole adult life, but not as a child. That would [ __ ] you up. Or uh Sean, what did you what did you discover?

You, were, right., Mike, Johnson,, the Speaker of the House of Representatives publicly talks about his use of co and eyes with his 17-year-old son.

Nice. Yes. Now,, will, they, continue, it, once, he's, 18? Will he keep the tradition alive or will he legally as a adult be like, "Father I'm recommending we shut down our covenant."

I'm, not, sure. I, I, think, it's, a, good, idea., I, think, I I'm I'm anti- porn for a while.

I, would, get, a, burner, phone, if, I, had Covenant eyes with my dad. I, would, just, have, a, second, cell, phone., I couldn't I couldn't live like that.

I, thought, you, said, burger, phone, like those old phones that look like a cheeseburger

and, I, was, like, yeah, those, things, are awesome. This, calls, one, 1900, numbers., I, mean, it is weird cuz I I like it's hard to not look at porn for it's like almost unthinkable to like cuz I've tried to stop it and it took me three years to finally be like I don't need to look at it.

Yeah., The, Instagram, don't, make, it everything makes it hard. Yeah., I, don't, really, look, at, Yeah., I, try not to look. My Instagram for real is just like steroid guys screaming at me. I don't get a lot of babes. It's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other.

No,, mine's, like, movies,, photography,, and baseball. Like people go to their search thing and it's I'm like actually embarrassed by mine. It's just like

Robin, Y, hit, 3,000, hits, on, the, whatever. I'm like some, there's, times, where, mines, is, 100% women and it's the most embarrassing thing.

What's, that's, for, the, nature, of, your guys? You guys do research for your podcast.

True., that, has, been, making, it, worse. I, still, don't, know, how, you, pull., They, do a babe of the week every week and they have to like explain why she's the babe of the week and fight.

Sometimes, it's, funny, and, then, other times we take it too seriously. You just pick hot ladies and go she's the hottest.

Yeah,, but, how, what, does, your, babe, say about the babe of the week? You tell her like obviously you're a babe. You're a babe.

You're, the, babe, of, my, lifetime. Babe, of, the, lifetime., Has, she, ever, even like brought it up begrudgingly? Cuz I feel like I would get I would get pressed in my house for that. Uh if that if you have you know I don't want to sew disord no she she doesn't like she really doesn't and she's I give she never anything that's kind of comedy related she never unless I was like start talking about like her too personal like [ __ ] that her privacy she don't

she, I, mean, she, knows, she, knows, me we'll, be, watching, some, she, watches, real housewives and I go like whose titties are those like that's kind of how we exist and

nice in, our, thing my, wife, has, a, rule, like, you, don't, listen to your partners podcast commit. She's like, "It's like reading a diary."

Yeah, that, feels, like, the, right, thing. Yeah. Yeah., I've, I've, swayed, my, wife, away, from it. I was like, "Just please don't watch it." And my mom, my wife and my mom, I say "Please don't watch my podcast ever."

I, would, bet, my, girl, listens, every, time she knows I'm on something. I, think, about, that,, too., You're, talking about like your son getting older and like or your daughters, whatever listening, seeing your history. I think that must be hard to date cuz you meet someone, they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said. That would be scary to me being single and meeting a girl and I'm like my charming self and then she can put on a podcast of like, "Would you eat your own dad's cub for [ __ ] 100 bucks and she's like, "Oh, this guy's a piece of shit."

Yeah., But, I, what, I, I, what, I, think, though is if your podcast is doing well they'll be like, "Great."

Right. You, know, what, I, mean?, Once, once, you, get, you know, once you sell one boner pill they're like, "Yep, it's good. I don't care. I don't care what the [ __ ] this guy talks about." And there's really is something out there for everyone because there's like, you know, there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild and it's like like Holocaust Denial has become a big thing.

That's, a, big, podcast. Yeah,, it, was, like, it, was, a, move,, man. There was like the last year I've seen uh who Dan Bazarian [ __ ] hit the gas pedal on that. He just out of nowhere was just like I'm I I think I'm correct. I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he uh pushed the pedal on that. That's like a light speeded podcasting technique., You, just, like,, you, know what, man?, I'm, just, going to, go, into Holocaust. just make a million dollar.

I'm, sure, there's, like, girls, out, there that are like, "Yeah, I'll just date this guy and you know, whatever.

Wish, him, peace, and,, you, know,, whatever." But live, laugh, love. But the uh Yeah. No I I feel like there's there's someone out there for everything. So

yeah,, I, guess, so. Also,, there's, no, way, I, don't, know, cuz, I feel like I've talked about stuff before that's, just, like, I, don't know., It's, just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table, but if it works, I think people are like, "Oh, this is great." Right.

Well,, I, have, this, too, like, my, wife, one time I was performing in Austin like her brothers live here and her sister invited her mother to the show and I had to step in and be like you cannot have your mother come to my show

and, her, mother's, like, a, British intellectual elderly woman. And, I'm, like, talking, about, eating, her [ __ ] and stuff. I'm like this is outrage. Like I I've never I wouldn't say [ __ ] in front of her. Yeah.

Like, literally, the, word, [ __ ] Did, she, come? No., No., I, was, like, I'm, sorry, you, can't. And it was awkward cuz she's like I guess I can't see your comment. And I want to be like, you can watch it on YouTube by yourself, which is still horrifying. But

dude,, I've I, don't, even, know, you're, there., Like that's a big Yeah. I've, had, to, just, completely, be, like,

yeah,, just, I'm, going, to, do, it, if, you, cuz my wife will invite like her she invited her grandfather one time and I just I was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off among other things. And he just he sat through the whole thing cuz I remember being like, "Well [ __ ] I'm just going to do my thing and we'll see how he feels."

And, uh, he, was, pretty, supportive., He, was like "That was hilarious." Oh,, that's, good., That's, I, what, I, found is people are surprised surprisingly kind of like my like parents came a couple times and I thought they'd be kind of like what the [ __ ] But my mom just laughed. She's just like you're gross.

Yeah., My, parents, come, but, my mother-in-law also went and saw Nate Bargatsi and she was like that was terrible. He was misogynistic. You should not talk about your wife like that. And I was like oh my god.

She, saw, Nate, was, like, this, guy, hates women. I was like oh Jesus Christ. That's, interesting., If, I, heard, that, I'd be like oh wow. Yeah.

Yeah., Although, it's, I, don't know,, man., I think you just got to let her taste the power.

You, should, just, [ __ ] That's, a, good, name, for, a, special. Taste, the, power.

I, feel, like, Yeah,, cuz, I, cuz, I, Yeah,, cuz I remember when I recorded uh my first special, my wife is like, "Your parents are going to be there, but I won't tell you which show." So then I was like "Oh, cool." But then every show I was like "Are they here at this one?" And I was like, so then I had to be like "Just tell me when they're coming. I'm just, going to, let, it, rip."

See,, my, parents, are, very, It's, a, very like liberal language. I was like I don't feel

self-conscious, around, them, cuz, we, swear and all that. I, was, talking, about, specifically, like, my dad like getting [ __ ] and stuff.

So, yeah., So, that, was, kind, of, tough., But I was talking about his lack. I was like imagined like a huge lack

right? But, then, I, was, actually, in, the, first encouraging my mom to maybe, pony, up, a, little, bit,, help, the, old man out. So, you know, but they they just were like whatever. They kind of laughed through it.

Yeah., I, had, a, joke, about, how, my, mother wanted to [ __ ] Patrick Sway. I I watched um what's the movie? you know, dirty dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like that Patrick, which is true. And so I had a whole bit about it and then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit. But then they eventually watched my special and it's in there.

Um, did, they, say, something, about, it? No,, she, never, mentioned, anything., But

that's, true., I, mean,, she's, a, she's, she's a [ __ ] she wants Patrick sees. She can't I hold it back. She'll still do it. She's like, Patrick sees? My god. Oh. And it's like so insane. I'm like why you want to get like plowed by Patrick?

He's, dead., So, now, it's, even, more. Women, are, so, much, hornier, for, dead, guys than they are living guys.

He's, a, good-look, man. He, was, He, could, dance, his, [ __ ], ass off. And, I, always, felt, bad, cuz, I'm, like,, "My dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Su. He must just be like, "This sucks this [ __ ] movie up."

Yeah., Yeah., That's, that's, one, of, the moves they'll do to you. They'll be he's handsome. You're like, "That guy looks nothing like me. Why would you do that?"

I, had, a, girlfriend,, my, previous girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, whatever you say. And uh someone we were like at a hang with some buddies and she was like someone was like what's your type and she was like I like a rugged outdoor guy long hair be like she just described

just, completely, not, me, and, I, was, like this is crazy. How, did, you, bring, it, up, or, you, just, let it go and just

I, joked, about, it, after, and, like, she laughed and everything cuz I was like she liked because I was like the funny self-deprecating guy so I was like that was great and she would laugh but you're also at the same time you're like that sucks.

Yeah., What, the, [ __ ], Like, I, guess, I'm just not I'm, so, cur, I, kind, of, want, you, to, hold frame on your mother-in-law. Are you familiar with it? Like frame and all that stuff.

No, dude., There's, a, whole, This, is, why, my algorithms are steroid guys yelling, but there's a bunch of guys on the internet who are obsessed with there's an idea called frame. It always makes me laugh but it's like you dictate the pace of everything. So when you go to the house you like basically, you know, it's just like everything's up to you. Always drive. If your wife drives, she's definitely probably going to cheat on you according to these guys. My wife drives all the time and I found that out. I was like, "Fuck."

But yeah, frame you have to like you can't let someone influence if someone's influencing your actions at all, you've lost frame according to these guys.

Well,, these, guys, don't, sound, great. The, world, wouldn't, sustain, it., Dude,, it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line. So, there's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all, she's dominating you, which is I think that's hilarious.

Oh,, wow., Oh,, so, it, goes, that, deep., But like, yeah, if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame.

Oh,, I, got, to, check, out, this, frame business. Yeah,, you, got, to, get, your, frame., Your your mother-in-law holds frame right now. You got to snatch the frame.

So,, next, time, but, don't, you, think, I, hold, the, frame? I'm like, you can't come to the show.

That's, frame., Okay,, that's Get, out, of, here., You're, not, coming., She had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go.

[ __ ], out, of, that. And, you, got, the, money, from, her., That actually is kind of framed. My bad. That's framed.

I, framed, the, hell, out, of, her. Fair point. I didn't think about that. You, should, invite, her, another, one, then cancel the last minute. If you did that I definitely frame. You got framed for sure.

I, think, my, wife, does, the, leaning., She always does like a thing. She, leans, in.

Yeah., Yeah., I'm, upright. Sucks, for, her. I, remember, watching, the, thing, about handshakes in politics. Like you always want to be the person on the outside and then like turning the hand over like this.

Oh,, really? Yeah., That's, why, people, will, do, that. They'll turn the upper hand is like big. You're like a [ __ ] if you get [ __ ] I know that. And then I've heard that politicians will like argue on who's on what side of the photo because when you're like that, you're kind of like

turning, your, arm, like Yeah. or, whatever., Oh, yeah,, this, guy, you, want to be this guy, you want to be this guy.

Yeah. Well,, that's, where, forearm, grab, brother shake comes from. Just I would just do those

cuz, that, would, suck., I, didn't, think about that. You got to take the lesser.

Yeah., It's, very, emasculating, to, be, like Yeah. Okay. It, is., I, I, will, say, I'd, imagine, it, is kind of a bleak existence though to be constantly mapping out these moves and you know

or, it, becomes, just, how, you, like, just, how you move through the world like nope

then, you, have, to, like, you'd, be, I, can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm like taking a first of all a handshake picture is crazy to be like all right, hold, on, yeah, that's, why, we're shaking but then like being in that situation and somehow gracefully like whipping the other human to the side that I want them I I just lack

flipping, your, hand and, then, I, just, lack, that., Yeah,, I, was they're, just, like, doing, this,, spinning around trying to figure out

I, was, just, at, a, family, party, this weekend and my mother-in-law I like took my coat off and I was just holding it and standing there by myself and I genuinely didn't know where to put it and I just stood there like that until my mother-in-law was like, "Matt, come here." I walked over. She's like, "Here give me the coat. I saw you over there struggling." I was like "Fuck."

I, just, stood, I, just, completely, just freed out and just stood there with the coach going

until, she, was, like, "I, saw, that.", And, I was like "Oh, it doesn't make me feel any better, but here you go. Thank you."

That, seems, like, acting, like, a, good, house guest, though. Like you're just not throwing it on the couch. That'll feel like no.

I, would, have, came, Yeah., I, would, have figured out a place, but I was taking a little long as you noticed. I guess I was kind of awkward. Also, I I was And I'm getting better at I was at the only white guy at the party.

Yeah. I'm, getting, better, at, this,, man., I, swear to God. It's a skill. You It's like a weird thing to be like I don't know.

Wow., It's, my, worst, nightmare. It, is., Just, kidding., Well,, to, be, fair, I'm I'm not great in any social setting but yeah, once you throw once you're like a complete radical minority

around, a, great, special,, by, the, way, you're, just, throwing, them, out, there.

If, I, And, again,, if, I, was, like, only, if, I was last samurai action, I'd be fine with I'd be cool with that. But like black people are like notoriously kind of cool. So, it's like I've learned what I here's my approach. What I've learned you got to

as, like, I'm, pretty, schlubby, in, terms, of dress code. Yeah. But you do out of respect got to get a little a tiny bit fly. Just a little bit fly like just match something somewhat just out of respect for the house.

That's, hilarious. You, do, I, get, I've, been, getting, just, a You don't want to go full black cuz that's almost like now you're a contender. If I get too fly now it's like

but, if, you, get, a, little, fly, I, feel, like you're right away everybody's like I like Matt.

You, have, to, get, a, tiny, bit, of, fly., Do you still wear the hookas or do you switch out to like a

I, had, the, hookas, but, I, had, they, were brightly colored hookas and that that morning my wife bought me a fleece which isn't the flyest but the blue did match a blue in my shoe and I was like I'm ready for the party.

But, in, my, experience, being, around, black people being the most genuine self you can be. I feel like

true., Yeah. This, is, true. I, feel, like, if, you, try, I, I, posted, a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks and uh that's a no no evidently. I didn't I didn't know that. But I think it's like charming that I'm like whoops.

I, agree. Cuz, if, you, try, to, be, like, "What's, up,, homie?", Like starting, off, that, especially, starting off standup, you go to like a black room and a white guy just talks different out of like I've known you for two years.

I, to, my, credit, I, used, I, would, go, to black rooms and talk Pokemon. I had no idea a lot of black people watch anime and I'm like, "Man, this Pokemon shit's [ __ ] crushing. This is awesome." But yeah, that is funny watching people be like, "Ah man, I don't even [ __ ] know." And you're like, "Dude, why are you doing that?"

No,, I, felt, when, I, first, moved, to, New York, I got in with this guy, Imagine. I don't, know if, you, ever, met, that, comic., I think he's Puerto Rican, but he had all these like urban Imagine.

Imagine., Yeah, that's, great. And, uh, he, had, all, these, urban, rooms., So, I was doing all these urban shows and I would like crush cuz I was like, I don't have sex. It's crazy. Like, oh my god.

And, then, I, would, see, white, guys, be, like, what? What's up, [ __ ] Whatever. Yeah., What are, you, doing?

I, just, got, out, of, jail. I, do, feel, bad, for, the, white, guys, though who like grew up around black people and didn't want to do comedy. If you're not It's only one. You can only be one Gary Owens. True. And then

I, do, Gary, Owens, just, brought, up, to, me. He's like like is your comedy like Gary Owens? And I I didn't know how to navigate it. I was like not particularly no. Like so what do you do? I was like it's different. Like how's it different? I didn't I was trying to think of like I don't just talk about black stuff. I don't know. I didn't know how to say that to the person. And I was like, "Is it is it like that?" I was like, "Sort of." I was like "I heard he's actually a really cool." I actually did hear he's a really nice guy. But I had to be like "Yeah, not really." But they're like "How's it different?" I'm like, "I can't really say." I was like "I'd have to think about it for a while."

Tell, your, wife's, whole, family., It's, not that black. It's, not, that, black., That's, what, I, was trying to say. It's not as black as he's way blacker than I am.

I'm, about, as, tenth, as, black, as, Gary. That's what I should have said. Less it's less black more white boy crazy but yeah I'm getting better dude I'm telling you man I think that was like my best one yet my best black party I've been to killing it I did botch they asked me if I had a player face and I I was just like I don't know I don't even remember what I said I was like uh I don't know I actually was married previously you know I've been divorced before but maybe between the Oh man, dude.

Imagine, saying, that, to, a, guy, in, an, all red sweatuit. Well,, I, got, married, when, I, was, 25., Let's see. And that Yeah, that that didn't go well. I could have been like, I didn't want to talk. There could have been so many other things, but of course I had a plan of faith.

Yeah,, it's, true., I, know., I, know., I, know, dude. That's why again, you're going to think, you know, you think about the balls you drop obviously all night, but

Oh,, man., I, should, have, been, like, I [ __ ] cheat on my wife all the time. No, it was great. It was It was a great party for real. I had a blast. But yeah it is, man. That is something, man. I always, you know, that's that's a wild thing. It's crazy. I always say it to black people. It's crazy to be like physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you.

Yes. When, they, flip, the, script, on, you,, you go, "This does kind of change your thinking a little bit. You go, this isn't the best. Let's

Let's, reverse, this, back., I, This, Freaky Friday is over, dude. Let's get me back in the dominant position here." Now, I had that one time years ago, I opened for uh I don't want to say his name. I get nervous, but a black comic who's was famous. And we were hanging out. I we like I thought we were friends and this person has some sort of disorder. And we were hanging out and it was like all of his crew and I was like, "This is great. Look at me." You know, and we were watching the basketball game and it came down to like the last play and I was like "Any predictions? What do you think is going to happen here?" And this person snapped and was like "I don't predict. I let what be be you." And then he like got up and started ranting about like slavery and stuff. He was drunk

and, I, was, like, "Well,, this, is, a, bad, situation.", It, was like, it was me and like 14 guys and I was the only white guy and he was like

"This, is, what, the, white, people, have, been doing." And then there was a guy I was like "Should I like get out of here?" He's like "Oh no, he does this."

Yeah., Yeah. And, it, was, quite, terrifying,, I, have, to say. Did, you, tell, him, that, England, ended slavery? I would have went into that.

Yeah., Yeah., Pardon, me., Uh,, actually, here's the thing. But, it, was, Yeah., I, remember, I, was, kind of looking around like, "Oh, this is if if he gets these other folks on

on, board." I don't have any, you know. Yeah. But, it, was, fine. That, is, uncomfortable, though., I, Yeah, I've been in that situation where like

you, know,, horrors, of, the, past, kind, of rear their ugly head conversation that, becomes, the, dialogue, and, you're like,

"Yeah,, it's, crazy.", Yeah,, crazy., Was, a global institution, but it's [ __ ] crazy. That's practice all throughout the beginning, of the, time., But, yes,

what, I, think, happens, with, white, people that happens way more black people is y'all will end up in a situation like that around like regular like black people that would feel that like act like that, but black people are never around white people that if they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable. Like I'm not around a bunch of rednecks. Like if they all started going like see that's the problem. Like but I'm never I'm just around like y'all.

Right., Right. That's, a, great, point., But, uh, cuz, I, I, was sitting there like in my head I'm like nobody's going to do nothing to you. But I can see it being like oh [ __ ] I might have [ __ ] up.

Yeah., I, mean, and, in, that, situation, I wasn't like I'm going to die but it felt like oh am I like bum you got like should I like

trust, me, and, and, I, could, see, myself getting into that if I was hanging with rednecks just like straight up country just

just, cuz, I, don't, know, I, don't, know, that that's, what, it, felt, more, like, why, I'll let you guys go. You guys have your thing. Just talking.

I, felt, like, that, at, Black, Church, before. I'm like, am I like Hopefully I'm not like dampening this. I want this guy to be able to do his thing and not, you know, worry about me. I'm cool.

Can't, do, the, back, flips, cuz, you're, over there. He, wants, to, do, the, worm,, but, he's, like, "Ah, we got a white guy here."

Yeah,, you, do, feel, kind, of, like, a, wet blanket on the situation. Well,, damn, it,, dude., I, think, we, uh, I think we got it, man.

I, think, we, covered, a, lot. I, think, we, did., We, covered, a, lot, of ground. I appreciate it. Well, I had a breakfast was green tea and a smoothie. So, I'm about to piss my pants.

I'm, I'll, let, Please., You, first., I'm, I'm about to explode. How, about, you,, Nate?

Uh,, no., I'm, actually, kind, of, cool., I didn't have my coffee. It bummed me out.

I'm, I'm, really, having, a, tough, time. Coffee. Yeah. Well,, is, there, uh, you, anything, you, want to

plug, my, special?, Yeah,, I, got, I, got, a special called Small I have four specials on YouTube. The latest one's called Small Ball.

I, meant, to, ask, you, about, that,, by, the way, dude. Maybe the most prolific dude ever.

Oh,, thanks., I, appreciate, that., Spread the word for God's sake. You, what? I, said, spread, the, word, for, God's, sake. Tell somebody. My god. Yeah. So, they're a bunch on there. I hate myself. Enough for everybody. This year's material and uh small ball. They're all up there.

And, they, each, go, down, in, order, of, views. Like, 10, million,, 2, million., No,, it's bad. 1,800,000.

No,, but, dude,, the, the, prolificness, I every time I opened up the other day, I went, "What the fuck?" Oh, thanks, man. Son of a [ __ ] I'm trying.

So, do, I. I, got, to, stomp, him. No,, that's, amazing,, dude., Thanks,, man., I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. This is

Of, course,, dude., Of, course. A, quick, plug, please. Uh, Octum, Noctis,, uh, La, Mer, might, be, back for that one. Me, Sean, La Mer, all back again. Uh September 16th, so next Tuesday. Please, please come. Oh, and uh October uh 23rd, Helium, Helium Atlanta. Please. Thank you. Please come.

Nice., Please., Yeah., You, go., Please, pee. I'm going to [ __ ] My head's about to explode. My head's about to explode.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)"?

Matt McCusker (Host), Shane Gillis (Host), Joe List (Guest), Nate Marshall (Guest).

What is "Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)" about?

The discussion revolves around the experiences of traveling with family, highlighting the dynamic of flying with children, especially when it comes to upgrades to first class and the reactions of other passengers. Participants Joe List and Nate Marshall share personal anecdotes, focusing on the challenges and lighter moments of family travel.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Joe Lis, Austin, World Trade Center, Travis Kelce, Chicago, Sean Green. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)"?

The episode runs 1 h 32 min; the transcript is about 22,329 words in 589 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.