Transcript

Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 7 min · 15,566 words · 456 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published December 23, 2025 (1 h 7 min, about 15,566 words). It mentions 4 people, works and ideas, including Rocket Money, Lil Wayne, Amy's Ice Cream, Milo.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 40:00: Lil Wayne, Rocket Money
  2. – 50:00: Rocket Money
  3. – 1:00:00: Amy's Ice Cream, Lil Wayne

Notable quotes from "Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)"

  • I think Yeah. when Lil Wayne met Trump, she was probably She's probably gone. Okay.
    about Lil Wayne · at
  • Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy, on how much what do you [ __ ] do with Rocket Money? How much time were you spending each month trying to manage your finances before Rocket Money? What do you do with that extra time now?
    about Rocket Money · at
  • We also we finally have to clear the record for Amy's Ice Cream.
    about Amy's Ice Cream · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Companies & orgs

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. All right. Here we go. Yo, speaking of hot mics, got all that venom out.

Yeah, true. Speaking there was a there was a principal at uh some school in Delaware County that was leaving a voicemail for a parent and he didn't realize the thing was still going and just kind like he got in trouble because it was a Jewish parent.

And he was uh after like he thought he'd hung up. I think someone was like, "Who was that?" He goes, "This guy, he's a [ __ ] [ __ ] always like a big hothead and I think he mentioned he's like some Jewish guy. He's like he always wears [ __ ] sweatpants all the time. He comes in here and freaks out wearing sweatpants and the lady goes what does he do for a living? He goes I don't know controls all the banks or whatever.

And they put this guy's funny as [ __ ] The the comments were half split between like this man is a a scumbag needs to be removed and people being like I'm signing my kids up for this.

That is like that's like the worst nightmare. I know. Especially if somebody was like not really bashing you.

Yeah. You know what I mean? If you like overheard a voicemail where they're like, "Dude, he just wears sweatpants all day. He kind of like smells like he's like nice, but he's like just a gross."

He'd have been totally fine if he didn't do the I don't know. Probably controls the banks or whatever.

I mean, he had to hit that home run. It's a home run, dude. There's nothing he can do about it. Somebody lobbed one right across the plate.

He's the principal, bro. He's going to have to become a gym teacher now. He's Yeah.

We're going to have to demote him to gym teacher. Gym teacher will be good though.

Five year he that's that's gym teacher energy. That is gym teacher. He should be a gym teacher. Principal's crazy for that type of thing.

Yeah, true. Yeah. But yeah, he got busted. Uh but yeah, you know, whatever. That's what you always got to hang up before you talk shop about the Jews at work.

Yeah, if you decide. Yeah. And then the lady too. It's just like a total duck lady like what does he do? What it just firing away?

I don't know. He probably controls the banks or something. Just all right. So, that was a fun um that was a fun thing to see.

That's great. Yeah, I thought it was funny. It was a funny It's without a doubt funny.

I I guess he's going to get fired. He has to get fired. There's no way he's out I believe he's out on the main line. It might be Chester County boy.

Oh, if he's mainline, that's trouble. Yellow. Yeah, that's literally the home of

Yeah, that's BB. That's where BB's from. BB is chilling out there. True. He's all down, dude.

I'm surpris Yeah. You can't have a [ __ ] principal popping off like that. [ __ ] no.

You did have the gooey popping off on the voice, dude. I don't like leaving voicemails like at all.

The thought of having it run unnecessarily long. I listen to everybody. When some when people call me and it stays on, I listen to the whole thing. I go, I know this [ __ ] is talking [ __ ]

I know it's my mom. Someone like know just like I know they're saying something [ __ ] up about me.

I always spy like that. If someone calls me doesn't realize or just I I'll sit there for an hour and just wait to get some stuff. I Dude, I was

It's usually just in their pocket. You can't really hear anything. Yeah, true. You just You don't get much good stuff. I was phone screen. I'll be honest, this isn't good, but I was on the plane yesterday. Phone screen spying.

So hard not to, bro. I was catching like crazy [ __ ] on this dude screen next to me. Some It was like I don't want to say, but it was

What was he hitting? Sexual stuff. Some love stuff. Yeah, some nice SCX stuff that happens up there.

Yeah, it's kind of nice. You get up in the sky, it's Yeah. man was horned up. But uh yeah, it was pretty tight. So I was like kind of just like I like caught one thing. I went, "What the fuck?" And then I kept looking over and I was watching him go back and forth between like the some lady and then there's a guy asking about some lady. It was like

this guy's having fun. Dude was being a beast. He was an older gentleman, too. I was surprised. I was

a big font. Were you able to see it? I could see it. I could I could read everything and I was just I would stare straight ahead and just literally just go,

"Oh, he's next to you." Oh, I thought he was in front. No, I was next to you. I was going I was going next to me. I know. I thought at one point I was ready for him to at one point to be like, "Could you [ __ ] not please?" Cuz I just kept being like, [gasps]

but you're not you're not very sly either. You're not slick, dude. You were definitely like, dude, I literally

I was hitting with a Haunted Mansion painting just I couldn't stop. Once I caught one juicy detail, I went,

"You're going to need the deets," dude, [snorts] it was Yeah, it was pretty sweet, man. I was loving that. I also I had a nice flight on the way home. I got a million good boy points cuz we got on the plane

and uh I put an old lady's bag up for her. So, I'm like, "All right, cool. That's good boy points for the day."

And then I sat across from her and then a mom and daughter got on and the mom sat next to me and the daughter sat over and they were kind of like talking. I was like, "Do you guys want to swap seats?"

Sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I'm just thinking there's so cuz I get [ __ ] hammered on these flights. Mhm.

I I try to get the good boy points. I've smashed people with bags. Just you got the boo and yours. Boo and I got you. Hit some lady in the shoulder that's sitting down like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." They all watch me get 10 [ __ ] vodkas the entire flight. Sorry. All right.

No, you got to get the GBPs on the [ __ ] I try to get the GBPs, but sometimes there's too many vodka sodies.

No, but an accidental smash with the bag is totally I've done it. I'm not kidding. At least four times. Just full just let a dead weight a bag onto somebody.

Nate got negative 500 GBPs flying out. It was It was an It wasn't his fault. I had kind of set him up. But the whole Well, the long story short is the lady I just kind of switched seats and I sat next to the old lady whose bag I helped get up, dude like five minutes. You're such a nice boy. And I was like, "Thank you."

Oh man, it was the best. She's like, it was amazing. So I got I'm think I'm sorry, one more. And I'm thinking of the worst GBP I've ever seen at the airport. My uncle I've told this story before. It kills me. I love thinking about we just land. We're in uh JFK and so this lady tried to pick up her suitcase. A girl tried to pick up her suitcase, but it was stuck and my uncle thought she just couldn't lift it. So he goes and literally [ __ ] deadlifts this thing and just rips it apart at the seams and her [ __ ] laundry panties go everywhere.

And then he just walked back and stood next to me like, "Oh shit." And then you watch it come back around to the lady and her her bag just got ripped apart. Anyway, it was great. It was so fun to watch him do it. Oh [ __ ] Anyway, that was I'm I'll [snorts] stop cutting you off.

No, that's hilarious immediately in my head. Just coming back. Coming back and going, "Oh, [ __ ] Just ripped that lady's bag in half."

He did, dude. I don't know how he did it. Shout out to him. Shout out to him. That's awesome. Yeah, he's a beast.

What a [ __ ] animal, man. I don't know why he did it, though. I I know cuz every time if a woman's struggling, it's the best thing in the world to know what I'm saying. Like you feel a little like, oh, this thing's clearly stuck.

He must have thought the bag was 800 lb. I think he just I've done this before.

You got to He probably went up and was like full steam ahead. He might have just been like, "What?" Cuz I'll do that every now and again when I'm like grabbing my bag down. I'll like onehand it and pull it down. So sometimes you pull with like too much force.

That's when you hit people. Yeah. True. Yeah. Or the baggage claim when I'm there and I get a bag, I'll try to really like [snorts] just [ __ ] beast it.

That's strong boy. GPS and strong boy points at the baggage claim is you're going to want to but

it cuz it's always you're so nervous like dude, I got to get this thing quick. It's moving. It's moving a little fast. Yep.

This thing's heavy as hell. Yeah, it's not ever. You go up and [ __ ] lift it over your head like a [ __ ]

I get a true. Well, I The problem is though, I'll fly when me and Britney fly with the kids, we'll do one combined suitcase, so both of our stuff's in there,

dude. It weighs like [ __ ] 65 lbs. So, that thing can get kind of beefy. But yeah, usually it's my Yeah, if it's just yours, it's not that heavy. But Nate got negative 500 good boy points at the airport.

It wasn't It wasn't your fault. We So, we we go in there. First of all, we [snorts] were flying out. Nate was he was running a little late and the airport was slammed. So, he almost missed the flight, which that's not that's not your fault. That's not you know, they were I think they were racist against Nate. They wouldn't let him in the priority lane. He had he had priority, but it wasn't on the boarding pass.

So, he went up. I'm like, "Just go through priority. It'll be faster." They're like, "No." And then he tried to go to clear, nothing doing. Back to priority. They're like, "No." And then he I was like, "Dude, we're going to board in like 5 minutes." He just beasted under the line, snuck in, cut. It was like a sneak in cut, which is That's

got right through. You had to do that. Why you making that face? No, that was survival. That was

Yeah. Still no choice. If I If I saw that, if I was standing in line and just saw that,

three weeks of racism, three weeks, I saw people straight of racism. People peeking out the clear line were hitting that like, "No, he's [ __ ] not." I could see them behind me like watching me get through successfully. Like, gosh, all those

You had to do it. I had no choice. It was It was survival. All those clear scumbags looking at you. I don't know why I hate clear. So I might say pre

I used to be clear. Now I've switched up on them. Yep. You had to pre-check all day.

Also the clear would set you up for failure big time. If you hit clear at JFK, you got to walk past a thousand Indians that are in line that I they don't know what clear is.

They get furious. Oh, they get in and then they get stopped. They're in the line and then you're going through clear and somebody's just going like, "Get out of the way. You got to walk through their line."

Yeah. And they're like, "No." Like they try to stop you and you're like, "Dude, [ __ ] get off. Get out of here, dude." Here we go. This episode is brought to you by Prize Pics. Everyone's favorite prize. Everyone's favorite prize picks holiday promotion is back. 7 days of Pixmiss. Prize Pick is giving out seven days of deals all the way through Christmas Day, including a Christmas Day max discount. Pixmiss starts December 20th, so download the app today and unwrap those deals. On Prize Pics, how you play is up to you. Matt, I'd love for you to riff all over me about your favorite feature.

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What about an injury reboot? That's what I like. That's what happens. What happens if What's an injury reboot?

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It's good to be right. Yes. Yeah, dude. So, he goes he gets through he, you know, he beasts his way through. I was like, "All right, good job on that." But then I had already been in there and dude, the airport was [ __ ] mobbed. So, I go in and I'm at like the very very far end of the airport. at like 36 where it's just like there's nowhere to be and I'm like [ __ ] man, you know, it was like we're about to board and I'm like I want to get on I wanted to get on first because we had a connection and I was in group one so I'm like let me like get up there. I don't like the butt but I was like peeping out [ __ ] screens and I see three four I keep kind of popping up. I just wanted to be in position

and I I had like there's nowhere to go but I finally weasel next to this guy. He's got like a [ __ ] cowboy hat on. And he's just standing there with his bag and I my plan was to stand like they have like a little market there but that was roped off so I was like [ __ ] So I just stood right next to this guy and I just heard him start going [gasps]

Yeah, of course. I'd be so mad. Well, dude, hold on. God damn. You guys are pissing me off.

He was so mad. I'd be so dude if somebody stood right next to me. There was nowhere to go.

I would I would had We were about to board. Who cares? Wait till everyone else boards. You're in

No, wait. But here's the thing. Because then people fill up the overhead slots. We were in a small plane. People fill up the overhead slots. Now I got to put my bag five rows back. But then I have to jump off and get a quick connection. Our connection was tight, I think. Yeah, it was tight, I think, on the way there. And we were delayed. So I was like, "Bro, I got to get on this thing, get my stuff, and be ready to get off this plane." But I still I wasn't bugging. I I've got like I've like started bugging about that. I was chilling, but I was like, "Let me just get in a position.

Everything's cool." Stand next to this guy, dude. Literally starts like I'm not I'm not exaggerating. Starts making that noise. I would do that. I would do that.

Well, then I stop and I like I just I would say something. I would be like, "Oh hello."

I turned Excuse me. Well, he was I think he was working that up. I didn't touch him. I didn't I just got next to him.

How close are we talking? I was [ __ ] right. Everyone was right next to each other,

dude. Get the [ __ ] out of here. You're crazy. Like this. I stop. I'm like, "Bro, are you okay?"

Oh, really? Not even like being mean. That would help. I was like, "Are you okay, dude? Like for real? Like, what's going on?" And he was just like, "EVERYBODY'S [ __ ] BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER." He's full full SP.

He's totally correct. But I was like, "Dude, he's totally correct." I was like, "There's nowhere to go." I was like, "There's nowhere to go."

Yeah, of course there is. Just [ __ ] stand in the back and tell your [ __ ] group.

Yeah, but then you got to push out. You got to get up there anyway. So I'm like, "I'm not going to stand all the way there and then have to like cuz then you try I've done that before where then they go, okay, now it's this group." I'm like, "Wait, I didn't even get on." It's just like then I have to like I just I'm like let me just get in a position and I'll like I I try not to ever like butt where I'm like in front of you but I'll try to get to the side by myself. It's a whole like system I have. So this guy's just like everyone's just bumping into each other doing a full pull spazz and I was like dude I'm like oh man everything's fine. He's literally goes I was like [snorts] what are you even talking about? Cuz I didn't touch the guy and he was like I don't want to talk about it.

I'm like all right fine. Like dude, but it's like whenever someone's about to spazz, I'm just like I have to push him cuz I was like laughing like what's the matter with you?

Yeah, that's good stuff. And then so I'm sitting there, all of a sudden here comes Nate. I go, oh boy.

Oh boy. [gasps] I got a redfaced guy in a cowboy hat who's already [ __ ] brewing.

He's ready to swap. He's going to swap that hat. He's going to be mad. Break out that BK.

I know. I was like when Nate comes up like Nate, I'm over here. I'm watching Nate come through. By the way, no one else had a [ __ ] problem. [snorts] Nate comes up and I go, "This guy is I might pop the top, dude. This guy might [ __ ] go." Nate comes up and accidentally bumped his luggage. And dude, this guy's luggage was stacked like that high. It fell and hit a lady.

Oh my god. Just watch him go. And I'm sure it bothered him a little bit that Nate was black cuz it's like like how could this get any worse than a black guy in front of you and knocks your luggage over into a the lady was like oh I couldn't have been happier.

I Yo, [ __ ] you guys. I'm I'm fully with the cowboy. I'm fully with the cowboy. Dude,

that's when you got you got to start hitting the Eminem right away. If you're the cowboy, you just go, "I'm not afraid."

We dished I dished out that was my bad. I dished out a double dose of punishment and it was like and he was already fuming. I think the security was crazy. So, he was completely fumed out and he was like prior what was it called? Uh concierge key like they're like the very very

He's a top flyer. Total top flyer. and he was, you know, surrounded by the holy ploy of group one and two. So, I don't think he was very happy.

I mean, he's still talking about he's at Christmas he's going to be like, you know what, the airlines in this country have just gone to hell.

His bag fell and hit like an older lady and she was like, "Oh, he was like couldn't even talk." He was so mad. [gasps] And then I kind of like followed him at the next airport. I was praying he'd be on our plane. Yeah.

Cuz I just wanted to I was just like, damn, this guy's going to freak out. Where was your connection?

Uh where did we go to Dallas? DC. Oh, yeah. We went to DC. He was headed to DC.

Well, we went to DC and then he was uh we were going to Syracuse. He was still in our little wing cuz we all like split off, but he came to our thing. I'm like, "Dude, is he going to be on our flight? That'd be awesome."

Yeah. And uh and I was I was observant, but at one point we made it all observing him. Dude, that's also in my head. If that's going on with me, I'm going is somebody are they [ __ ] with me?

And you were. There was actually a malevolent force around him. Like, what's wrong with you?

Bro, I was laughing cuz I was like, dude, he was literally going I was like, "Bro, are you okay?" Just like laughing like it's like, "What's going on?

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it." It's totally fair. What time was this flight? I know you guys love

I know you guys love 5 a.m. 6:30 in the morning. This guy couldn't be more correct. You guys are the ones that are wrong.

We made it all the way to Washington DC and I had been like kind of following him being like, "Dude, I hope he's on our plane." And then we went to the Red Plum Market in the airport and I got some chicken and then at one point cuz I had been like kind of tailing him and I was like, "Damn, I lost him." We go I go to the Red Plum Market. I'm getting my chicken. He comes from the kiosum market.

It's just like a little It's like a little place in a bunch of airports. I've been growing at airports so hard lately.

Red plum market is good. They got some good chicken. But [snorts] I grabbed my tray and I was like, damn, I lost him. I turned around. Who is it but the cowboy right in front of me and I went like, oh [ __ ] I was so happy. Like there you are.

And he just was like and just kind of Yeah. [ __ ] He wasn't excited to see you.

No, not at all. I don't think so at all. I ruined his day. I didn't mean to, dude. I got plenty of space. I didn't bump I know I didn't bump this guy, but I saw Nate coming. I I did. I'll be honest. I was that evil part of me was like this.

Oh, here it comes. Here we go. Here we go. Here it comes. Uh, moving my knight to F7, please.

Dude, 5:30 in the morning, bro. It was Yeah, I could I had my red light glasses on. Just be like, "Are you okay?

Were you wearing red light glasses dude? He got hit with the whack pack first thing in the border.

Imagine if you were genuinely mad if some dude was laughing next to you going, "Dude, are you okay?"

I know. [ __ ] it. And he's wearing [ __ ] red glasses and you're in a cowboy outfit and Nate was sweaty from sneaking in.

I know you're dripping sweat. I know he's dripping sweat. Dripping sweat. Yeah, you're dripping sweat. You're so sweaty.

Oh god. And that's such a gross ass sweat. You didn't shower in the morning at 6:00 a.m.

That was the first thing Matt said when I walked up after he told me about the guy. You're all sweaty. You're sweaty yourself. [snorts]

Yeah, that was that was my uh Friday morning. I I was man I was on just cloud nine just being like this is the funniest.

Yeah, it is a treat. It was I love seeing spa dude when people spaz at the airport and again it could be me. It could be anybody. I could spaz for sure, but it was like when I see someone else spazzing, there's just a part of me it's like, "Bro, I want to see I want to see how far you can go.

You want to see a real spazz?" Yeah. Yeah. You want to see I want to see what you can fully do. Just I Dr. X him. I'm like, "You have lots of potential. Let's see."

But he kept it in. Good for him. He didn't fully spazz. Maybe. [snorts] True. Who knows?

True. Wherever the [ __ ] he went, the middle of the next flight IS LIKE [screaming] MAN, the weekend was good though. We had a good time.

Nice. Syracuse. Great start to the weekend. Great start to the weekend. Good club, too. Was not bad, dude. The mall. The mall. Dude, that is the sickest mall. It has a Dave and Busters. It has a Dick Sporting Goods. Uh, what else they have? Escape Room.

I think that's every single mall. What? That's every every single mall has a Dave Bart go-kart track.

That Now you're talking. Now you're talking next level. in the mall though, dude. I never seen it in the mall.

Wait till you go to the Capital City Mall in Harrisburg. True. Christ, what are you talking about? That's the Capital City Mall.

True. I didn't I didn't I I've never seen I only just seen like retail malls with like a food court. I didn't know they're putting the [ __ ] good stuff in there now.

Malls are fighting back. Everyone wants to [ __ ] say malls are dead. Yeah, right dude.

You got to see the what was that place called? Destiny USA Mall. Malls got hit with a bit of the same thing that happened to water parks. And they they did, dude, the Capital City Mall, not not my Capital City Mall, dude. It's changed.

Well, they they they did the they did the uh whatchamacallit parental escort thing.

What's that? If you're a If you're a teenager of any kind, nobody cares. If you're a teenager

if you're a white teen, if you're just a young teen, young teen, your teen, your parents have to be with you. So they crack down on the cheer and run around.

Well, that kind of that kind of ruins them all. I know. Kind of stinks. But I don't [snorts] think they really enforce it. I think it's there if they need to drop the hammer. They can go,

"Hey, teenagers aren't allowed in here by themselves." You know what I mean? Teenagers dressed in sports jerseys and sneakers are not allowed in here by themselves.

Old people used to go and walk the ball. Yeah. You ever see that? I've seen old people hit the [ __ ] shuffle back in the day.

Yeah. They I think they would just bring like old folks homes and be like here just walk around.

Yeah. Yeah. I there was uh Yeah. I think a lot of old people too. They would get like coffee at McDonald's in the morning and then just stretch

like for exercise. Just walk through the mall. Hit the [ __ ] ML. But that thing was that mall was nice.

Mouble hockey sticks. So yeah, it was victorious, man. But I did not eat well, man. this weekend. Nothing but [clears throat] [ __ ] fried wings and uh flatbreads from the mall. Dropped a pile, bro.

That's a pile. Pi hockey sticky, dude. Yes. Big time. I woke up this morning, dude. I first thing in the morning just

pi single hockey stick. I mean, yeah, you put together a recipe. That's I did. Yeah,

I did. That's why Yeah. I was telling you earlier, [ __ ] goddamn family has pinw worms right now. So

yeah, it's good to pile out if if you got if you got a pin pinworm epidemic going through the house.

I was telling my wife, she was like, "You got to take the [ __ ] shit." I was like, "Bro, you think these things are [ __ ] hanging in here?"

What What What is the [ __ ] you got to take? It's like It's like this. It's like banana flavored. It's like a chalky syrup. You got to just chug I had to chug like three tablespoons of it before I came here that it kills if I have anything. I mean, I could have who knows? I could have other parasites. It'll [ __ ] kill whatever's in your body.

It's good. Then you got to wait a week because pinworms lay eggs. Oh my god. So you got to wait a week and then you have to take it so in case the eggs hatch, you kill those. And then

I really hope you don't have any pinw worms cuz I really sit in that chair a lot.

We don't I don't have they I don't think they like come out of They come out of your butt at night time too.

Yeah. So during the day during the day my little wormies are sleeping. I Yeah, I've heard a lot of stories about this. You got to take a flashlight to your kid's [ __ ] at night.

Yep. Look for worms. Yeah, man. That's literally what you have to do. Yeah. You got to find the night crawlers. You got to

You do. Yeah. Got to find the creepy crawlers. Yeah. You got to hit them with a flashlight and just wait.

Yeah, they come out of your little guys are like hole. Yeah, man. Yep. That's really [ __ ] up.

My cat got worms and I was sad about it. Watch him crawl out of his butt. I was going "No Tibble."

Yeah, man. But you They say you can put uh tape over your butt when you sleep and wake up. I swear to God. And then you wake up, you check the tape.

Catch the tape off. That's pretty That's like a fun thing to do. I might start doing that anyway. [gasps] Or do it like you know people do that with a door to see if anyone's been sneaking in your room. Just put a piece of tape over your butt. Wake up. Still there. Go. Nice.

Good. Nobody's accessed me while I was sleeping. Damn. The the flashlight into a butt

and waiting. Just waiting to waiting to see if your kids got worms. Yeah, man. But I was I was at the uh Destiny Mall at the time, so I didn't have to deal with that. But yeah, shout out to Britney for holding down the fort and taking care of all the worms worm situation. And she was freaking broke.

Yeah, of course. I And I get it. It's the grossest thing possible. It's disgusting.

Yeah, it's truly disgusting. It's my nightmare. She's scared of bugs. Like, she's scared of regular bugs.

You know, I got a thing with I know you don't like them bugs. Whatever these types of bugs are, parasites, there's something wrong with me.

It's a very Yeah, it is like a sign of like schizophrenia. I don't No, I think it's pretty normal to have like

No, it's always like there's bugs on my skin. There's bugs on you. Yeah, I thought that I I think there's bugs.

Yeah. Okay, that's not now, but now I'm going to be worried about pin worms. Yeah, I'm going to when I'm laying in my parents basement for Christmas, I'm going to go, "Mom,

I'm going to have a I'm going to have enough drinks to work up the courage to go, "Mom, when I fall asleep tonight, I need [clears throat] you to come in here with a flashlight.

Check my butthole and just check my butt for worms." Your mom would do. No, you have worms. My son has worms. You're 40. You have worms.

[snorts] It can happen to anybody. Mom, she would check for sure. I don't know if she would.

She would check your butt. If you were like, "Mom," if you came to her in earnest and was like, "Mom, I really need you to check for me." They would do it in a heartbeat.

I guess she would honestly not just like we we don't have that. What do you mean?

I don't think she's one of those ladies that like enjoys that [ __ ] Like what?

Like gross [ __ ] with their kids. Not like that. But I'm saying just like, you know, she just probably remembers you as like a little tiny baby. She's like probably

she would find out the hard way. I'm all man now. She'd be staring down the barrel of a man's ass with worms. Sarlac pit coming right at you.

Well, America does have this thing where like the rest of the world like constantly takes dewormers and all this stuff. We we think that we don't have like parasites and [ __ ] And I think we I think a lot of people have parasites.

So, I can give you some a dose, too. You can take some of the banana flavored [ __ ]

just in case. Yeah, what the [ __ ] Why not? It's not going to hurt you. I hear you.

It's not going to hurt you. Probably [ __ ] stop COVID, too, if you get CO the Christmas.

I think it does. Probably does. Yeah, my immune system's on fire right now that I've taken a dewormer.

I believe it. Yeah, that [ __ ] was nasty. But yeah, so that was that was my [ __ ] deal, dude. Just flew home to an empty house. All my worm girls were gone.

Yeah, my worm girls. The worm sisters. [snorts and gasps] All my worm girls are gone. I almost didn't take it and I like was talking to facetiming her and I'm like I forgot she had the medicine. I'm like what is this? It's like that's your dewormer. Take it right now. I was like [ __ ] Chugged it. I'm I'm paranoid about taking a new thing. If I take like a new medicine for the first 40 minutes I'm like oh dude what if it has a weird side effect with just me and I just die.

Right. So I had that was like my half an hour before I left just being like am I feeling this right now?

I'm probably feeling it. You go that didn't do [ __ ] I'm taking another one. I'm not even [ __ ] high.

Dewormer sucked. That was our [clears throat] weekend, man. We just [ __ ] It was The Spaz was a highlight and we just had two fun shows and uh I don't think anything else really fun happened. I think we just kind of had a good old time.

Cold. Yeah, just [ __ ] freezing cold. I did work out in a uh the gym. I went to the gym, you know, or not the hotel gym, and there was a basketball team full of like fourth graders with one adult. So I went in there and [ __ ] mogged him with dump.

They were like kind of playing around with all this [ __ ] while this one guy was just like, "Oh, be careful. Be careful."

And he was just like I walked in here. [clears throat] You should have You should have Oh, are you still powerless? You should have been screaming in there.

I wanted to. It only had was 50 pound 50 lb dumbbells. I couldn't even have slammed them on the ground.

I should have I didn't want to [ __ ] grab one of these kids. I did mo them with the treadmill. I put it on 14% 14

incline. [snorts] No, you became the cowboy. There's little kids running around. Little kids running around the gym. You go, I don't want to talk about it.

Especially you juiced up. You probably spazzing on them. They shouldn't be in here.

No, I didn't even care. The guy was The guy was super apologetic and I'm like, "Bro, I need my little corner." And then I hit the 15 and 15% incline on the treadmill and I was running, sprinting hills on the treadmill.

Damn. Just mogging the kids. Of course, just letting them know that you guys think shit's [ __ ] sweet, bro. I'm about to turn 40. Got worms in my butt.

I'm [ __ ] running. Yeah, life sucks. I'm in Syracuse on a treadmill with worms in my butt. [snorts]

Yeah. I'm trying to think what I don't even know what I did this weekend. I had a nice weekend off.

Yeah. You chilled. Just watched some football. It was a good time. Nice. Watch the Jake Paul fight.

Dude, did you guys get to watch that? No. I didn't even know it was going on until I woke up the next morning. I said Jake Paul got knocked out. I said, "So what?"

Yeah. Why'd he fight that guy? That guy's enormous. Probably for $100 million. Yeah. I mean, that's really what people wanted to see is him get knocked out.

Yeah. He It looked like he was It looked like Anthony Joshua was kind of letting it go a little further.

Yeah. But uh he also could have just been waiting to tire him out. True. And then but

I saw the highlights. You got to give Jake Paul some [clears throat] credit. He was fully gassed like falling on the ground constantly. Kept getting up.

Good for him. It's also People love hating on that guy and I get it. He's He Yeah,

he acts a fool. Yeah, he's like a YouTube guy, but it's also He did stand up, I think, with a [ __ ] shattered jaw. And dude, I mean, fighting that guy, that guy is that guy

[ __ ] terrifying. Nasty boxer, but he's also way bigger. He's a heavyweight champ.

Yeah, dude. That's what I'm saying. It's like, yeah, you got to give credit where it's due. Even if they were like we had an agreement to not do a lot of damage, it's like, dude, if if id blocked a body shot

started going for damage. Yeah, he [ __ ] broke his jaw. Yeah. If I were to block one of that guy's body shots with my arms, I would still quit the fight.

Yeah, it would kill. It would hurt so bad. It would [ __ ] I'd probably fall over.

Punch in the [ __ ] arm. Oh, I do like everybody that doesn't know how to fight in these fights just turns around and tries to walk away. You get a hit, you're like, "Okay, that's it."

Hooked in the back of their heads. It would seriously just be like, "Yeah, that I had to give credit where it was due." I was like, "Bro, just even fighting that guy, cuz I guess everyone was being like, you're not a real boxer, dude. Fighting that just fighting somebody at that skill level is crazy."

And that size the size the size was crazy. It's crazy. That dude mogged Paul. I think I don't know. It was interesting to me because before they signed this deal, he was supposed to fight Javvante Davis who's significantly smaller than him. So maybe that had something to do with it trying to fight someone

bigger than him after he got a bunch of backlash for trying to fight a small guy.

I mean, I was thinking about Jvante would be a problem. Yeah, he would be a big

It would be a real problem for him. But they that was an interesting they called it off that like Dvante was alluding to there being like shady business going on and stuff.

Really? I think so. I don't know. I think that's every single boxing match. Yeah. True.

Ever. True. Yeah. Every single time. Yeah. That that's that was like kind of the rumor stuff I heard online that they they believe there was like a you know a contract clause to like not do a lot of damage.

I think they at least let let it go three or four rounds before you start swinging.

Before you start. You can bet on how long the fight lasts. Like my friend bet on it to go over two and a half rounds and like that's a lock if you know that they're doing that sort of like it

it's pretty shady. Yeah. When you bring the sports book into it. True. I mean that was Yeah. Credit credit to him for even just taking the damage because that was like he was [ __ ] whailing him, bro.

But they they said he'd never throw a straight right the whole time. I think he hooked him. Was that a hook or I think it was a hook. I think I think he just [ __ ] hooked him.

Yeah, he that was crazy. All my heroes fell dude. Yeah, Paul fell. Cobra Tate fell.

Cobra Tate. I might have to step up into the manosphere. Wes Watson lost 80 pounds of muscle. I was telling you about that.

I don't know if it's 80, but he lost a lot of muscle and [ __ ] There's a guy who makes There's a dude on YouTube on Wes Watson's ass, bro.

Really? His name is Johnny something. I forget his name, but he dude he makes like real time documentaries. like he doesn't have any [ __ ] muscle anymore. Those little torp. Oh [ __ ] Just attacks him the whole time. But yeah, Wes Watson isn't even about muscles anymore. He doesn't even care. He's on the other [ __ ]

He's too busy. He's way too busy. Yeah. So, but yeah, the guy's on his ass right now. He's like, "You're not even jacked anymore."

All I saw was Co T getting hit with uppercuts. [clears throat] Yeah. Kind of just wild ass uppercuts.

Yeah. I mean, it happens, bro. He's stepping in the ring obviously. You know, who am I to even talk?

Of course. I don't have any dust. I'm the, you know, I'm not the man in the arena, but

no, my hero's half fallen. Now I don't have any idea what to say to girls. [ __ ] I didn't even think about that.

Exactly. I got to with that guy who beat him up. I need to hear what he thinks about girls.

What does he think about how to approach women? I don't know. I'm waiting to hear.

Probably throw a drink on him, spit on him, and call him a [ __ ] That's usually the message. [clears throat]

I'm waiting instructions for my new sensei. We'll find him. We'll find a new sensei.

Who's it going to be? Show me one guy in the manosphere who's still [ __ ] standing strong. Milo Yiannopoulos.

True. Yeah, I guess he could he could talk about what to say to girls too now. I don't know. Yeah, straight as a [ __ ] arrow.

So, talk to Yeah, we talked to Milo about girls. I don't know. [clears throat] That'd be nice. He knows about girls. What are you talking about, dude? He's a YouTube celebrity. You don't think he gets a ton of girls?

Relax, Sean. I don't know. Or maybe it could be Nicki Minaj might be my new hero.

Oo, that's a good hero. It's a good one, dude. She's I I I don't know. I I believe her. I think she's been super rightwing this whole time.

I think Yeah. I mean, when Lil Wayne met Trump, she was probably She's probably gone. Okay.

Yeah. And again, she she was a absolute, you know, she broke the story about her cousin's gigantic balls from the COVID vaccine. So,

that would probably Yeah, that would redpill her cuz everyone's like, "Shut the [ __ ] up, [ __ ] You can't you can't go against the vax badge.

I know she went against it. She was the only person. But I don't know. I don't know what that's all about, though. I'm kind of curious.

What? I don't know. I don't know if it's like a rebranding thing. I don't know if she's seeing peeping the Candace bag. Candace's bag is up right now.

I'm sure Nicki Minaj has a substantial bag. She probably still has the bag. Probably has the bag for sure, but dude, the Candace bag is crazy.

Is it? Yeah, bro. I think I think her show is like enormous. I think I could be wrong.

I think it's like one of the biggest Yeah, it's like she has like one of the biggest shows.

I think her podcast is like for real one of the biggest podcasts. Yeah, since I think since uh Charlie Kirk died, like she's been talking about it a lot and it's blown up since then.

She also has I watched a couple of those episodes. Yeah, she adds a little she's got her secret recipe. She has her secret ingredient she's been adding to her show right now just being like blaming the juice for everything. That shit's hot right now.

It is hot. I mean, bro, you give me the word. We can take this show to the top.

It is hot. It's so [ __ ] hot right now to be just go crazy, go dumb on the on the JWs.

But no, I just want to do a comedy podcast. Dude, I'm telling you, the biggest pods.

The biggest pods. Every single one of them. It's crazy. I mean, we're just [ __ ] leaving money on the goddamn table. We are.

We got to get in there. We got to do our We got to do independent research. True.

I don't know. I I'll just make stuff up, too. On what? You said it says she's number one uh like in the at the end of this year, she hit number one globally for downloads and views with 3.6 million daily streams.

People want to know. I looked up her net worth, though. Well, I guess you can't really. I don't know. True. It is

those things are wrong. Yeah, it says like 20 mil for Candace Owens and Nicki Minaj is like 150 million.

Okay. Well, I'll shut the [ __ ] up then. You're probably You're probably right, though.

Barbie, bro. Yeah, she had a lot of hits. You're probably right. No, [clears throat] you're probably right.

I don't know. And she was on Lil Wayne's music label, too. So, yeah. You know, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Probably. I mean, Young Money. Come on, bro. Yo, come on, bro. How how big?

Let's [ __ ] What are we talking about? True. I guess it's not on Yeah. Why Why is it not on Spotify?

Maybe. Peep number nine. Oh, peep number seven. Uhoh. True. And we don't have to be nasty like that.

True. That's true. We're number seven. We're just good boys. I'm goooo. We're just getting GBPs around here.

Getting GB GBPs, you know. Also telling on ourselves. I wasn't wrong at the airport. That's my bad. I knew.

You weren't wrong. You weren't wrong. I wasn't wrong initially, but the amount of glee I was taking in following this man and peep I was peeping on him, dude.

I would I would have also followed him. I'd like to see what he was doing. There's nothing else to do at the airport. If you're watching a potential spaz, it's so nice cuz I see him online all the time. I rarely get to see him in person.

He kept it to I'll be, you know, I'll give him credit where it's due. He did keep it contained pretty well.

Yeah. I saw one other good spaz. What do you you disagree? I mean, when I bumped his bag, he hit it out loud like like that. Like that was what I pulled up to. I didn't even like see all the other [ __ ]

But dude, if you're [ __ ] grumbling, bro. If you're hitting audible grumbles, sweaty dude comes and [ __ ] knocks your [ __ ] over,

bro. He had the biggest bags of all. It was his bag was crazy. It was They were like stacked up like for real for real. Almost as tall as me. It was crazy. And it just [ __ ] nailed the lady. But [snorts] oh man. Yeah. I just, you know, I didn't push the envelope any further, but I I was trying to get as close as possible to him the whole time, but you can't spazz like that. I mean, you really should.

And grumble, dude. You No, dude. This was a grumble. You can grumble, but you can't growl.

Do you have headphones on? No. Oh, so all right. No, no, I know what you're saying. He He was like He didn't realize how loud he was talking. This was a growl, dude.

This is a headphoneless grumble. the headphoneless grumble growl. Oh man, that's [ __ ] crazy.

That's so funny, dude. [gasps] I literally I'll just That's such a joy in my heart just

I become I become like a like a maskwearing liberal in there. I'm very passive aggressive. I'm like, "Oh, that's nice.

Oh, knocked over my bag. Great. Thank you. I guess I'll pick it up then." Oh, I'll pick it up. No problem. Oh,

you know what time it is. Everybody at home, it's time. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy, on how much what you know, what do you [ __ ] do with Rocket Money?

How much time were you spending each month trying to manage your finances before Rocket Money? What do you do with that extra time now?

Yeah. What do you do with that extra time? every once I got my it took me a while when I had my budget all over the place. I didn't have a lot of time, you know, to just like do the stuff I needed to do, take care of my own kind.

Yeah. Personal health, uh, reproductive health. And, uh, now that I've organized my budget with rocket money,

let's just say I've been launching some rockets of my own. And it's fun. I'll tell you this, man. When you launch when you launch a rocket, it's [clears throat] fun to go, here comes the rocket money. Your babe walks in, you go, "What [groaning] are you doing?"

Money. Uh, Rocking Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Take it away, Matt. With Rocket Money, you can see all of your transactions automatically categorized across accounts and set up customizable categories and tags to reveal your spending patterns. You can use [snorts] it to set budgets and goals. Get personalized insights and regular reports and even receive real-time alerts for large transa transitions.

Sometimes sometime Oh, I thought it was transactions. Large transactions joke. You say sometimes you got to give somebody a real personal alert for a large transaction that's headed their way. You know what I mean? You got to go get out of the way. It's a big rock of money.

What do you want me to do with this rocket money? [gasps] Upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. And Rocket Money can even automate savings to grow towards your goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Just set it up and let it do its thing. Shane, give me one more. You do the rocket money the best.

Let rocking money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.comsp. [clears throat] That's rocking money.comssp. rockingmoney.comssp. Hey guys, please catch me doing standup. I'll be in uh Houston, Texan January 16th. I'll be in Dallas. Did I What the [ __ ] did that say?

I'll be reading. be inside of a Houston Texan. Hey guys, it's me. Uh, January 16th, I'll be at Houston, Texas at Performance Hall. January 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas. And then on to Hartford, Connecticut, Alb, New York, Las Vegas, Denver, Boise. Go and a bunch more places. Go to mattcuster.com for details. Also, Tuesday, the day this is out at the creek, I'll be doing the show Algonauts, where we go through people's cell phones, look at

this. debut. Yeah, the debut show. It's going to be fun. So, we're if you're still around in town, come to that at the Creek and Cave. I believe it's at 8:00.

It could be a hit new show. I think it could be fun. I think it could be a hit.

Go through people's cell phones, project their algorithm onto a screen, and then see what the algorithm says about them. And, you know, I'll show we'll show our own algorithms, too. So,

nice. Yeah. Uh, I just added Chicago, Nashville, Charlotte, and Boston. So, check those out. And then, of course, the show at the link in Philadelphia. Please go to that. Let's go. I swear it's going to be good. It's going be sick. Thank you. Hello. Sorry for the interruption. I'll also This is Sean Gardini and I'll be in Atlanta.

But sorry. Hello. Sorry for the interruption. I I just want to let you know I'll be in Atlanta on in January 22 and 24. And we have the Noctis January 6th and then the third Tuesday of January as well. Please come if you can. Thank you. I I saw a guy riding his bike wearing a mask yesterday.

Really? And it [ __ ] pissed me off and I was like I was just on my constitutional saw a guy riding a bike wearing a [ __ ] M95.

That's crazy. M5. I was I wanted to wanted to yell. Unless he was trying to get

I grumbled. I grumbled. You think he was trying to get his V2 max up? No. That's crazy to wear. No, he definitely wasn't. The K95. It's crazy, man. They're putting up some wild signs around here in my park.

What'd you get? They just keep posting these signs that say queer kids fight back.

Whoa. They're getting fired up. Queer kids fight back. Yeah. And then it's a picture of a dog like biting someone. I guess queer kids are dogs. And

I guess that's the message. Was there an event that kicked this off? I don't know. No, they keep popping up. They're getting bigger.

Queer kids fight back. I'm not I don't know about this. Yeah, man. Hold on a second now.

They're making signs for Nate. They know. I was about to say we're tired of getting called zesty. We're about to start biting people.

Start growling and biting people. Oh, okay. What is it? Um, I don't know, honestly.

Yeah, this is this is at my park. Groos fight back. Isn't that wild? Yeah, it it just includes various forms of activism from grassroots organizing and protest to legal challenges and working with supportive organizations. Well, how about say queer kids get political? You know what I mean?

Queer kids are cool. There's also uh there's a house by me that somebody spray painted adulteress on the fence. And then a little further down, you see her full name is a [ __ ] spray painted somewhere else.

What? Some drama going on. A little drama amongst the Austin housewives. Yeah. Yeah.

Adulterous. Real big. It's like get out there and paint over that. True. Been there for [ __ ] two weeks.

Maybe she likes it. True. Might get her off. I stopped by. I hit the old Wilson. Go right over the fence. I go, "Hey, heard there's an adulterous in these parts. There's a [ __ ] in here. Saw the sign out.

Saw the sign out front. I'm here for the [ __ ] Go spray paint your phone number right here. Yeah.

Call me, [ __ ] Yeah, that's pretty wild, dude. Yeah. How far is it from here? I can walk there. It's pretty close.

Just take a gander at that between the episodes. I like to see this [ __ ] Yeah.

Just knock up and be like, you know, you have a disparaging message on your uh on your thing. Dude, we were we were driving recently and someone had the uh you know like the windshield gets dusty and people write. Someone had just wrote the n-word on this person's car and uh so me and Britney were driving back from the gym and Britney pulls up and was like,

"Hey, it was funny until then." Sorry. Well, there's two Mexican ladies in the car cuz I was like, I want to see whose car this is. And then we pull up.

I didn't even know what to say. I just want to see like what are we working with here? just two Mexican ladies just sitting there and Britney like tried to tell them you have the end and then they were like no DNA and then she like uh Google translated to them they went oh just kind of just kept driving they didn't give a [ __ ] I was like that's so I just want to tell them yeah go ahead knock yourself out

I think that's a reasonable thing to tell someone yeah you have the nword on your car

yeah you should get a car wash yeah really just wipe it someone pranked them punked

it's a classic prank That happened to my parents like right after we moved here. That was like the first thing my mom told me. It was like cuz they're old. They don't be taking their car out all the time, but it was like somebody got them with it on the block too.

Oh no. In Reading. Yeah. I don't It's probably a Puerto Rican person knowing like just

Damn. Or one of you guys. Not taking you guys. No offense. I'm not trying to claim innocence without knowing anything. Seems like it wasn't us in Reading.

Yeah, y'all are in there. Y'all are there. Y'all in reading? Never even been to reading personally.

There's like 12 white people. It's It's about It's about y'all like 10%. There's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

How big? How big were you talking on the back windshield? That's [ __ ] crazy. I didn't I didn't add I didn't I didn't get My mom didn't give me the details. She waited for like a while before she even told me apparently.

Really? Yeah. She was like, "Yeah, we got It's all It was all done and said, you know, said and done when I heard about it."

Yeah. But rough start to death. Yeah. Yeah. An older couple is so bad. That That's what's nasty. That's crazy.

Hard R. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How' they How' they write it? It was the same way. Like in a dirty on a on a on a dirty car. Hit a dirty part of the car.

They're old. No, I'm not mad that they had a dirty car. I thought you made the face.

I'm more upset about the slur against your parents. Oh, no. I thought you would just be a [ __ ]

No, I wasn't like, "Oh, you got a dirty car." Yeah, something's going to happen.

My bad. My bad. What the [ __ ] dude? My bad. I like to joke around. You think I'm actually racist?

No, but come on, man. That's kind of funny. Well, dirt in the car. Oh, man. I would someone tagged you up.

Yeah, man. Cuz also that's like you really got to you can't just wipe with your hand. Your [ __ ] hands get all dirty and [ __ ] So then you got to like just drive with that on there.

You got to go get a paper towel or a towel. True, I guess. Yeah, you're right. I didn't think about a paper towel. I'd have You'd have to drive, man. You'd have to drive. But you have to go to the gas station thing and dunk that thing. going to be one second. You go

squeegee. Yeah, maybe I should just keep this on the back of my car. It's my car. I'm going to do whatever.

It's a free country. It's a free country. I do whatever I want. But yeah, I can do anything.

No, he doesn't wipe that off. Stat. I feel bad for the adulterous lady. Why? I just feel bad the whole situation.

Yeah, I mean, dude, that's Look, dude, it gets it get does get that's what happens. That's the drama in the [ __ ] BBS, dude. Get be the ladies, they do a lot of yoga, they get a little horny.

Mhm. You know, they're married to an engineer. What would it be like to have sex with an architect?

Switch it up. Oh, same thing. Oops, now you're busted. The exact same thing. Oops, now you're busted. An architect's just kind of a gay engineer.

Guy couldn't even get hard for me. Now I have slud on my fence. Sled on your fence is [clears throat] not great.

Yeah, lady entramp the soft noodle. I have slud on my slurp the nude. Slurp it.

It is funny to be like a 45year-old lady and cheat on your 45-year-old husband with a 45year-old man. It's like, bro, just use a vibrator. Like, what do you think this What do you think this other 45-year-old man's about to do to you? Not a lot.

It's probably so swab, though. At the bar, he was probably like, "Oh, man. You and me could do something special,

dude." The guy's phone I was peeping. He was a bit of an elder statesman. I said, "Man, I know you guys are getting all freaky like that." Mhm.

You don't freaky diggy. I'm over here getting GBPs. I should have told on him to the lady next to me texting about [ __ ] people. I think he was might have been texting a stewartist. Not going to say anything more. But you know,

is it true that Nate was taking a nap and then the mail stores came over and woke him up and he tried to kiss him when he woke up and straight out of his sleep.

It's every time. Yeah. He tapped him on the shoulder. I put my jacket over his head on the shoulder and Nate went Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy.

That's all right. You don't have to We don't have to keep the bit going. You can defend yourself if

you did try to kiss a guy on the plane, but that's it. Can't believe you bumped into the cowboy,

dude. It was I mean, it was just so early in the morning. It was just, man, amazing.

Oh, I had a good night last night. What'd you do? Me and the Okcon man got on Hell Let Loose for a while.

Oh, it's awesome. Got a little tank crew and uh Okconor was the driver. I was the gunner. We [snorts] had a good time. We were We were We were doing well and then I realized his driving was a little erratic.

I was just waiting. I'm like, "There's no way this lasted." I realized his driving was erratic and then I was like, "Dude, are you [ __ ] drunk?" Oh, he was drunk, dude. He was hammered. I was like, "You're getting us killed, dude. You were getting fucked."

How do you respond to that? Like, no. No. He was like, "Yeah, no." He go I go, "Dude, are you [ __ ] drunk?" He goes, "No." I go, "Did you drink today?" He goes, "Yeah." I was on a flight. I had I had a couple drinks. I was like, "You're [ __ ] wasted, dude. We're getting killed out here."

It's so funny to be on a tank just like, "Whoa, what the hell?" Yeah. The driving was a little erratic. And then I'd be like, "Oh, stop. Stop." Cuz I'm trying to aim the [ __ ] thing. Yeah. There'd be another tank. I'd be like, "Dude, [ __ ] stop the tank." He'd be couldn't get a shot. I was like, "I can't get a [ __ ] shot, Chris." I had the headset on. I was sitting right here. It was [ __ ] great.

That's so funny. We probably played for like three or four hours. It was awesome.

That is amazing. Yeah. Tank crew is nice, too. Tank crew is very tough. How' you guys do overall?

We We had some really good games and then some towards the end, the last game was [ __ ] terrible. The pizza probably came for Okconor. [ __ ]

I will say Chipotle came for me at one point. There was a couple time I had the mic off. I was [ __ ] gruck tank. I'd be like, "Oh [ __ ]

It's a good time." True. That is That sounds [ __ ] really fun though. Yeah, it was wholesome.

Oh, that's awesome. It [clears throat] was very nice. We also we finally have to clear the record for Amy's Ice Cream.

Oh, yeah. Amy's ice cream does rule. Sorry we made fun of the ice cream cake. It was just a simple mistake. They sent us a tiny

Told you I took some bites of that. It was [ __ ] delicious. Yep. Yeah, that was funny to get the report. I got the report a day later. He was like, Shane actually liked the cake. He thought

cake was so good. So, it was uh delicious cake. It was I was on the telephone and I was trying to throw it out and I was like, I'm not just going to waste it. I'll take a bite. So, while I'm talking to somebody, I was like, [snorts] oh yeah, man, for sure. I got another bite here. Just ate like half that [ __ ] thing in 20 seconds. standing eating ice cream cake on the phone with Tony Yo. It was with Gunit. I was on the phone with him.

Hey, it was your birthday too. And it was my bday. It was your [ __ ] bday. Tony called me on my bday. It was nice.

That's so nice. Yeah. Hello, Mr. Yo. Yeah, that's I want to go. I felt bad. We just smacked an Amy's ice cream cake.

That was all you. I can't believe I followed through with your nasty plan. I should have I feel I feel so guilty about slapping. Oh, that was such a funny thing to just smack your birthday cake out of Sean's hand.

It is funny, but you know, it was hilarious. That's what That's what keeps me up at night. What the [ __ ] man? Just not being an [ __ ] for [ __ ] 10 seconds. Your friends hate you. And then I get a text that says, "It's Tony Yo Jun." I go, "This is how he texts you." Yes. This is [ __ ] awful. That's so tight.

Yeah, I was pretty excited about that. I need to see Gun come back. 50 star has re-ris.

Another great black. Oh yeah, true. That's true. Nicki Minaj 50. Lil Wayne. [snorts]

Yeah. What the [ __ ] Think Kodak Black. Kodak Black for sure. He loves Trump. That's his dude. That's his Gemini twin.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He loves it. We got There's a good group. Black Republicans might rule.

Obviously, the only way we got to get Jay-Z. He's the ultimate dam though. He is, bro.

He's such a dam. Morphed into a dam. Yeah, he's like an Anderson Cooper Dem. Yeah, but he's like become a damn.

He's Yeah, he has damn hair. Yeah, he got the Bosat. Isn't that [clears throat] the hair? Yeah.

I'll be Yeah, I don't want to trash his art, but I just I don't like that crap.

Bosat. Not a fan. I don't really know much about it. Just like cool. I don't It's like pop art. I don't like pop art, I should say. I shouldn't fairly attack Buscat. I don't like pop art or whatever the [ __ ] I don't even know what I'm talking about. But that like very modern looking art

like Warhol. Mhm. Like Andy Warhol [ __ ] Yeah. I'm not a hu it's it's like Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I dude I like a beautiful I have heard though that those guys that do that stuff can usually technically like are like perfect technical painters. They just get bored and do that stuff.

They're like old comics. Yeah. Like we could do comedy but I'm just kind of kind of trash the form. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know. I'm just here to trash the whole thing. I don't know if those guys could technically.

Of course they can't. But I I've heard cuz I was like talking to someone. I was talking to my friend Ray about that and I was like, dude, like how do people not recognize like there's a beautiful landscape painting and you have this and you're like, oh, they can do that. They just

Yeah. choose to do something else. I like that. But it's like why don't you That's what I'm saying, man.

Give me some [clears throat] Goya, bro. I love that. But I don't know. I'm not going to sit here and just be a [ __ ] Debbie Downer about anything. tried to watch a documentary on the Spanish Civil War.

I still don't understand it. I've read so many books about it. I've done it. I've done the research. I can't figure it out.

Was it north and south still or east and west? A little north and south. It was kind of the whole country.

Like just random parts. But everyone just beefing. Yeah. What year was this? Late 20s, early 30s.

Oh [ __ ] This is like It was like they were testing out World War II in there. Like the Germans were giving the fascists some weapons and [ __ ]

Okay. They were like trying everybody was kind of trying to [clears throat] Russia was helping the commies.

Yeah. Fascists versus commies a little bit. Yeah. But then that's where it gets [ __ ] up because then there's like a bunch of different factions.

Like anarchists, communists were kind of on the same team. Fascist. All the political parties just attacked each other basically.

[ __ ] that sucks. Well, and occasionally they'd turn on each other. What? I don't know what the [ __ ] happened. I

think they It was a spaz. I still don't know what happened. It was a Spanish spaz.

It was a nationwide spaz. It was a full spaz for I don't know. I still don't know what happened.

That's crazy. I I like have vague I'm like vaguely familiar with it. I like didn't even really know that in a big uh civil war.

But they were just massacring each other all the time. Yeah. It was pretty vicious.

In the village, you'd be like, "Yo, that guy's a [ __ ] fascist." What? Let's go [ __ ] rip his head off.

Damn. Yeah. What the hell you think that was about? Do when was TV invented? After the 20s. Uh,

I don't know. You think they saw a couple John Wayne flicks and were like, "Fuck."

No. John Wayne it was later, but it was close. H. Yeah. 20s is way early. 20s is TV. They might have had like real early TVs, but not in Spain, bro.

No. Yeah. Right. That was also like they had radio though. So that was big band was a soundtrack. It was a swing.

Yeah. The roaring 20s in Spain. Oh man, that stinks. Yeah. I don't It's weird to This is a jump, but did I talk about that Ukraine video? The dock I watched?

No, bro. It's [ __ ] terrible. What it like? Just what about It's called 2,000 meters to I forget the name of the town. It's a PBS PBS dock, dude.

Yeah. Uh they just follow these Ukrainian fighters and it's all like body cam [ __ ] Like you see them all fighting.

But then it was last year. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was like, so it's just war footage.

So, you're watching it and you're like, damn, I was at a Notre Dame game during this.

What are these? What the [ __ ] Like, it's I don't know. Is it pretty brutal? Yeah, it's really brutal.

Early, very early on in the documentary, a guy gets shot. You hear him screaming. His boys just drag him into a [ __ ] trench. Oh.

And they're like, "We got to get out of here." And he's like, "Dude, just leave me." They're like, "Don't [ __ ] blow yourself up, dude. You promise?" He's like, "Yeah." They're like, "We're coming back." He's like, "Don't come back." And then you see his body cam footage from the trench. She's laying in. Dang.

Just like looking up at the shitty sky. Yeah, it's really terrible. Just blows himself up.

I don't know if he did, but Oh, he just chills. He was kind of talking [ __ ] like he was about to.

Which he did get shot through the arms and legs, so he was Yeah, it's either that or you wait for a [ __ ] drone or they come over and stab you or some [ __ ]

Oh god. It's a really terrible uh obviously. Yeah, you don't like it kind of died down. The Israel Palestine stuff took over on that front. You don't hear now like you're still hearing about I guess they're, you know, going to be

talking about peace. This be nice little piece for Christmas. That'd be nice. That'd be nice. A little piece for Christmas.

Yeah. Give it a watch. 2000 What's it called? And Drifka. It's a tough one, dude. I Yeah. I don't know.

2000. Yeah. It's rugged stuff. [snorts] It's crazy. Like the battlefield's [ __ ] crazy. It's like two sides of it are fields that are covered in mines, so you can't go through it. And then there's this little stretch of forest that's just a straight line to the town that's 2,000 m. So they're on one side, they're on the other side.

Yeah. You just got to keep sending guys through this forest. But they always do like five on five.

It's very weird. You never see like a major battle there. It's always like 10 guys and it looks like paintball.

Yeah, that's crazy. It's weird. Yeah, because I know that was a big worry from Russia. There's those like open planes that you can easily go from Ukraine right to like one of their capital cities. That's like their weak point as a country. So they got that just loaded with mines now. So it's like kind of takes care of that problem.

Yeah. And it's all cratered out. It looks like World War I. It's [ __ ] It's weird.

It's weird that it's just going on right now. That's what I I've said it before. It's like

I know that's a [ __ ] eighth grader's brain being like it's crazy wars are happening.

There is. As technology increases, it does become kind of embarrassing where it's like, well, you could just all blow ourselves up. Like we could just, you know, it's like this is kind of crazy. We were still murdering each other to be like these five miles are ours. It's like split it or something. I don't know.

[ __ ] split it in half. Don't [ __ ] shoot each other, you psychos. It's just just seems like an insane way. It's it's the way we handle it. It's literally is the highest court in the land.

Yeah. So, like, you know, you go through everything and nothing works. It's like, I'll [ __ ] shoot this guy.

They're talking about some [ __ ] with Venezuela right now. And I think they're supposed to make an announcement today.

I don't know why they're beefing with Venezuela right now. Oil. She's talking about oil cooking [ __ ]

True. It's [snorts] going be to Earl's. They better they better not better not. What?

They better not [ __ ] go to war with [ __ ] Venezuela. Is that even like Yeah.

What's that called? Gunboat democracy or gunboat uh [ __ ] We just park a bunch of [ __ ] outside of a country's

we pull up on the coast. Oh. And go let's let's talk. Yeah. Yeah. Let's negotiate. Oh, those. [ __ ] it. Don't worry about those.

Yeah, those are our Yeah. Hopefully this goes well. I mean, is that even a like remotely fair fight? US verse Venezuela?

Uh, it would be shitty for us. Yeah, it'd be like Vietnam. It's in the jungle and there's all these [ __ ]

Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, yeah, Vietnam was bad. We could get bogged down there very easily.

That's also crazy, dude. Be like, let's uh let's repeat Vietnam. I'd like for somebody to give me like a case why we should start aggressing Venezuela.

Is it is it the [ __ ] oil or they saying they're like a communist country? They're saying they're communists and

bro, they're Who gives a [ __ ] about the drugs? They're That's That's kind of an excuse, I think.

Yeah, bro. Get out of here. I think they're Maduro. That's his name, right? Maduro. I think he's starting to deal a little with Russia and China instead of us. We're trying to maintain our sphere of influence over.

He's on that bricks. He's on that bricks thing. He's talking some [ __ ] dude. I told you before we should join Bricks as America. Like, we're in Bricks, too. Now you guys are with us.

Yeah. Just collapsing, dumbass. Yeah. Really? Well, dumbass. Now you're part of my coalition. Tricked you.

Yeah, we're now we're bricks. And then they leave bricks. What do you think of that?

They leave bricks and you go, "Go back to the dollar." I knew you'd get out of bricks.

Yeah, I knew bricks sucked. You guys knew bricks sucked. Yeah, that's uh I mean I don't know. I just wish this. It's just it is it does become embarrassing at a point to be like you have a bunch of guys just shooting each other in the face. It's like dude, you're just not allowed to do that. Like don't don't make an exception to be like well you can settle that. But then someone shoots you in the face. You [ __ ] shoot him in the [ __ ] face.

[ __ ] shoot him. What the [ __ ] I know. [ __ ] Well, whatever. We're We're We are We're like commandeering oil tankers.

Why pulling them over? We're going these are ours. We're just stealing their [ __ ] oil tackers, bro.

We're going that you don't have to do that. Maybe they're like, "Yeah, I guess they're going to say they're probably like maybe using them to smuggle stuff."

No, it's funny. Be like, "No, they're just smuggling with oil tankers." Nothing.

It's fully just us stealing their oil. What the hell? Is there like a Trump and the Secretary of War speech tonight?

Oh, it's happening right now. Yeah, I guess oil too is like so hopefully that's nothing.

Yeah, that'd be that'd be nice if it stops it. But because it's like if you can because oil is like the one commodity you really can just start like blowing people up over. You don't really usually don't fight people over like bananas and [ __ ] So I think there is that one I know there was that used to

Yeah. I knew there was that one uh [ __ ] what was that called? It was like a it was a horrible thing the government did that had to just it was like the banana company or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. The Dulles were helping the Yeah. [ __ ] what is it called? The fruit the fruit company. It was like

But there's Banana Republics. That's what that's about. Yeah. Like uh they would try to like

nationalize their own Yeah. That's what United Fruit Co. They would try to nationalize their own [ __ ] and we'd be like no that's ours.

Yeah. We your We need a regime change. Your bananas are bananas. Go. All right. Put in this uh [ __ ] insane guy

who promised us to give us the bananas. That's so crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. Just be the like the boss big banana boss.

There were some big banana bosses. Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong. Yeah, we installed Donkey Kong as their dictator. He went, "Yeah, get him, Donkey. Get him, DK."

Uh, yeah. They'd be the president of a banana company just like Kill that guy. Think of the dumbest product you can think of. That's what was like sugar.

That's crazy. You're like, "Bro, we need to kill a million people for this [ __ ] sugar."

Bro, imagine we need tea. Imagine getting a tanker of already freckled bananas and you're the banana boss. You go, "Someone's got to pay for this. Someone's got to pay." Two days to sell these nanners.

You call the papers like, "Do some articles about banana bread." All right, we're going to use ripe bananas for banana bread. Get that going. We're gonna kill this guy.

Yeah, that was like the foundation of the CIA. Yeah, I remember those brothers. They were lawyers in New York. They were corporate lawyers who worked for the United Fruit Company.

And then they were like, I guess still boys with them. So they're like, we're going to found the CIA. And then like, bro, you got problems?

Oh yeah. Now we can [ __ ] do [ __ ] about it. Get some bananas flying. We'll get the bananas going.

Well, heck freaking Yeah. Whatever. I I could be wrong about all that. No, I think you're right. It was I remember as I said that I was like, "Oh, yeah. I remember hearing something like a United Fruitco thing.

Well, that's a good episode. Yes. 1 hour. Merry Christmas everybody. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)"?

In order: 30:00 Lil Wayne, Rocket Money; 40:00 Rocket Money; 50:00 Amy's Ice Cream, Lil Wayne.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

4 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Rocket Money, Lil Wayne, Amy's Ice Cream, Milo. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 591 - M-A DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS (Mall)"?

The episode runs 1 h 7 min; the transcript is about 15,566 words in 456 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.