Antisemitic Husband Makes Fun of My Jewish Heritage

What this episode is about

The main topic centers on a woman seeking advice about her husband's troubling shift towards making racially and anti-Semitic remarks, particularly in front of their children. Despite her desire to engage him in couples counseling to address these issues, the discussion reveals the challenges she faces, including his refusal to participate, and concerns about the impact of his behavior on their marriage and family dynamics.

Key takeaways

• In marriages, humor shouldn't bite; when jokes turn dark, it's a call for urgent dialogue.
• Counseling isn't a quick fix for toxic attitudes; sometimes individuals just need to face their own shortcomings.
• Political debates can fracture relationships; navigating issues requires consent, not coercion.
• A shift from playful banter to harmful rhetoric reveals deeper discontent; communication is key to understanding.
• Trying to soften the blow of insensitivity is like ignoring a wool jacket's itch; comfort matters.

What is discussed, and when

1. 3:00 – 6:00: Delete Me
2. 15:00 – 16:40: Law Enforcement

Notable quotes from "Antisemitic Husband Makes Fun of My Jewish Heritage"

• About getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing…

  about Delete Me · at 4:25

• I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing. He's, he works in law enforcement and so they see and hear a lot of, a lot of things and I think it's…

  about Law Enforcement · at 15:08

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Concepts & topics

• Law Enforcement — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 15:14
  Discussed in the context of the husband's profession and its potential influence on his behavior and attitudes.

Sponsors

• Delete Me — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at 4:30
  Promoted as a service to help organize digital life by removing personal information from data brokers.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 I would just um appreciate some uh maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to couples counseling with me after he made it clear he will not do it again.

0:20 Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do you want him to go to counseling again? Um I I just I just see a big um change in him and I just don't see how we can move forward uh in our marriage if if we don't talk to somebody about it.

0:44 What's going on? Um, I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe year and a half or so, um, just like he's changed a lot as far as like he'll make like racial remarks and like misogynistic remarks towards like me, other women. Um, like anti-semitic remarks towards me. Uh, it's in front of our kids. Um, and I just

1:10 Do you have Jewish heritage? I can't I I can't do it anymore. Uh, I'm sorry. Say that again. Do you have Jewish heritage?

1:15 Um, I I have um ancestry in it, but it's not I it's not like I grew up in the faith or anything. So, you're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling.

1:47 Yeah. I don't think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks. Yeah, I know. And it just like it wasn't like this. Um he's always been a colorful guy, but like it's never been like like this. And I just um

2:03 what happens when you say okay because because let's be honest there was a season when

2:09 um even whispering a funny joke or an unfunny joke or an offcolor joke would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere. Right. There was the cancellation years we call them. Um, and in some places they're still in effect, but other places are whatever. And then we've had the last few years what they're like everything's back on the table again, right? And here's here's the thing. There is a I I live in comedy clubs, right? So, I've seen a a resurgence in more what I would call off color or like oh my gosh, I can't believe you said that comedy.

2:50 But at least where I am, it's all part of [clears throat] It's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying?

3:00 Like there's there's high fives all around in the green room is what I would say, right? And any jokes are not at people, they are with people. Okay. And hope what I'm saying makes sense.

3:14 Yeah. But then there's been a rise in or it feels like an unleashing in, oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm going to tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke. It's not being silly. It's not being funny. It's not pointing out um things. It is I feel powerful again. I'm gonna hurt people with my words. Make myself feel bigger. And so you say like your husband's always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy. Yeah.

3:45 And in my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That's what I that was part of my job. That was an important part of my job and spending time with those people. We would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room right? And but there's a I would consider myself a colorful guy, but there's also a time and a place in a context, right?

4:10 Mhm. And so I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you're what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets collected, sold, and shared by data brokers. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information, and it gets it taken down. Start this year fresh with fewer distractions and more peace. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off your annual plan.

4:56 It sounds like you're what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed. Yeah, it it used to be where it was like funny and goodnatured and now it just feels like like much darker [clears throat]

5:11 and it just it it bothers me and if I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and everybody is so sensitive now and you can't say anything and it's like I just I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Okay. But this is happening not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening?

5:35 I'm not I'm really not sure and I I feel like I can't ask him. Where where else is this re where else is this surfacing? Is it surfacing in how he talks to your kids and treats your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing? Is he controlling the money now? like where is this else is this?

5:53 Oh, no. No. There's there's no like controlling of the money. It's like it's almost like like he'll try to have a conversation with me or like he's just very um I guess politically minded. He likes to talk about it and like that's just not me. And so he'll try to like draw it out of me and he gets angry if like or irritated if like I I don't kind of go along with it or or have this conversation with him. And that's where a lot of it will be. Or it'll just be kind of like random.

6:31 Let's take um joke sensitivity off the table because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin and he bought you a I don't know like a wool jacket and it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused like it made them raw. Okay. And if you said, "Hey, I love this jacket. I love it. bought this for me, but my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms like bleed, making him itch.

7:12 Would he tell you you just got to toughen up and get tougher skin? No. Or would he say, "Oh, man, I tried."

7:19 Yeah. You can't wear that jacket. I Yeah, he would say that he tried and I I don't have to wear it.

7:25 Okay. when it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what forget offense what I'm not interested in hearing if somebody has the courage to say hey I don't think that's funny or I don't think that's accurate or that's not a conversation I want to engage in and somebody's response is oh you're just two then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over And that's not marriage. Marriage is being with, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey, I've seen a shift in you, and I don't think these things are funny, and it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that.

8:19 But I don't want these jokes in my house. I don't want these jokes around me. and I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids.

8:29 I guess I haven't um been super clear about it. I just like like it just uh it feels like when I try to tell him I don't like it like it just like spirals into an argument.

8:42 Okay. And I just I was hoping like if we went back to therapy there'd be like a third person there that would maybe prevent that. No, it it's it's he he's already said, "I'm not doing that again."

8:55 And so it's less about this thing. Most of the time, here's what happens. He drops some inappropriate or rude or mean-spirited thing out on the table. And in some level, it's to get a rise out of the room, right? He gets the rise. And the rise he gets is your push back. Well, he thinks he's right. And so now we're in a fight. So, the best time to have this conversation is not after he just said something super offensive. The best time is to say, "Hey, I want to go have breakfast on Saturday morning. We need to talk about something that's kind of heavy."

9:33 And you lay it out. I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren't jokes with the community. These are jokes against people. And I just don't want to have that. And I especially don't want it around my kids. Call me sensitive, fine. I You can call me whatever you want. But if you are choosing to be in relationship with me, what I'm asking you for is to stop doing this. But I actually think for you the conversation is deeper. It is you looking at your husband and saying, "I'm watching your spirit change."

10:10 Yeah. I used [clears throat] to really like him and I used to like being around him and now I just can't.

10:15 That's the conversation. That's the conversation. And can I uh She'd be okay with me saying this. Can I tell you um I became a in 2010ish I became a nutritional religion zealot. I became a lunatic about nutrition stuff. By the way, I have no training in nutrition. I've got no degrees in nutrition. This cool new thing called a podcast came out and I thought I was the smartest guy who ever lived. And I took over parties. I lectured friends. I turned every conversation in every room I was in into a nutritional conversation.

11:01 I'm sure you were the wife of the party. Yeah. I ruined every interaction. I destroyed it man. And it was my wife taking me and saying, "I don't want to hear about this anymore. A, I think you're wrong." And B, um, you listen to a bunch of things on the internet. And this is early early podcast when I was really crushing it and killing. And here's the thing. I got to choose. Do I want to be in relationship with my wife? Do I want to continue to go to parties and events? Do I want people to be want to be around me? or do I want to be right?

11:38 And because she had the courage to have that conversation with me, it was a big dose of cold water to my face. And over time, it really changed to now this many years later. Um, I don't answer any question unless somebody asked me.

11:52 Mhm. And then I usually say, "This is what I would do in my house or this is what I do." Right? All that to say is that courage changed. I mean that courage, courageous conversation my wife had changed me or at least it planted the seeds of dramatic change and also he could look at you and say, "Oh my gosh, screw you. I'm out of here. You're just like every other like whatever fill in the blank with misogynist comment and he can walk out."

12:20 Mhm. Do you think he loves you? I do. Yeah. Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth, too. I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean. And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy I married. And I miss you.

12:50 Yeah, I know. I miss him a lot. Okay, tell him that. And if your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you're getting off the internet, if if your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy married.

13:20 Okay. Yeah. How come you're crying? I don't know. I'm just a crier. I No, it's okay. Are you scared that he's going to walk away?

13:31 No, I I don't have a fear of that. Um it's almost like I feel that or I fear that um the person that I fell in love with either is gone or never existed. I just don't know. Okay.

13:49 I think it's fair to put that on the table. My guess is he's consuming media 24/7 365 through a pair of headphones and the ecosystem that the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense and it's either a stripped out of context, right? or it's just fueled hatred and that's just becoming the ecosystem and he gets to choose. It's kind of like in the old days our wives would say like, "Hey, I don't want you around those guys." It's kind of like, "Hey, I don't want you around that garbage cuz it's making you a different person."

14:36 And he might say, "That's always been me. You just like fine. We got to deal with that then cuz I don't want that guy around my kids.

14:48 Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Do you believe the stuff he says or do you believe he's just trying to echo he's just echoing the trash and garbage that he hears? I don't I don't think he I don't think he really believe I think maybe somewhere he feels like he does, but I I I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing. He's, you know, he works in law enforcement and so they see and and hear a lot of, you know, a lot of things and I think it's maybe a combination of those two things. He's been in law enforcement for a long time.

15:27 [snorts] Yeah. Somebody who loves him needs to have a hard conversation. Yeah, I know.

15:42 Well, I wish you the best. I I hate that it's turned and I hate this is happening. And I also know I spent my career with law enforcement officers and I know that I've sat with guys whose whole beat is particular swaths of a city and they have a very lived experience of quote unquote these people. This is what I experience every day. This is what I do. This is what the data says. And I get that. I get that. I've sat with those guys. And that doesn't give anybody permission to make huge blanket statements, especially that denigrate broad swaths of people. And even beneath that, when your wife says, "Hey, that's not funny. I don't want that in the house."

16:26 To then beat up on your wife about it, it's just just sucks. Sorry you're going through it. I think it's time to have a hard conversation that begins with, "I miss you.

Questions about this episode

What is "Antisemitic Husband Makes Fun of My Jewish Heritage" about?

The main topic centers on a woman seeking advice about her husband's troubling shift towards making racially and anti-Semitic remarks, particularly in front of their children. Despite her desire to engage him in couples counseling to address these issues, the discussion reveals the challenges she faces, including his refusal to participate, and concerns about the impact of his behavior on their…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

2 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Law Enforcement. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Antisemitic Husband Makes Fun of My Jewish Heritage"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 2,653 words in 41 timestamped sections.

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