My Biological Daughter Wants a Relationship With Me

What this episode is about

The narrative revolves around a man who, after giving up his daughter for adoption at a young age in 1995, reconnects with her in 2018 through a DNA test. He shares his emotional journey of building a relationship with her while grappling with the fear of overstepping boundaries, seeking guidance on how to foster a meaningful connection moving forward.

Key takeaways

• A 23andMe test: the modern-day equivalent of sending smoke signals to long lost family.
• Decisions made at 18 can echo for decades; explore your past while shaping your future.
• Navigating relationships requires transparency; clarity creates bonds, while ambiguity breeds insecurity.
• Honoring your past self isn’t just therapy; it's the roadmap toward healthier future connections.
• Embracing vulnerability can be daunting, but sometimes it’s the bridge to rebuilding that familial bond.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: 23 and Me
2. 3:00 – 6:00: FaceTime, Puerto Rico, Zoom
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Puerto Rico
4. 9:00 – 12:00: Puerto Rico

Notable quotes from "My Biological Daughter Wants a Relationship With Me"

• Do. so that was like I said 1995 and then turned around to 2018 and she found me through she took a 23 and me DNA test and found me. She actually found my family first and my family contacted me and said do you know anything about.

  about 23 and Me · at 0:55

• No, she well she's she lives in Puerto Rico. she they're just there I think probably temporarily.

  about Puerto Rico · at 5:27

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Products & tech

• 23 and Me — Product · Case study · 1 mention · first at 1:03
  Key tool used by the speaker's daughter to find him, leading to their reunion.
• FaceTime — Product · Tool · 2 mentions · first at 5:15
  Used for initial communication between the speaker and his daughter before meeting in person.
  Overseas. so she's not she's not in the area anymore. So, a face actually, our first interaction was actually a FaceTime before we met person to person.
• Zoom — Product · Tool · 1 mention · first at 5:44
  Suggested as a means for the speaker to communicate with his daughter who is overseas.
  Okay. So I would call fairly temporarily and ask if y'all could set up a FaceTime or a Zoom time.

Places & events

• Puerto Rico — Place · Setting · 3 mentions · first at 5:27
  Mentioned as the current residence of the speaker's daughter, who recently moved there.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 back when I was 18. Um, back in 1995, my dog or my my girlfriend at the time became pregnant with my help, of course. Uh and

0:18 thanks for that clarification. Yeah, yeah, no problem. With my help, of course.

0:24 And, uh, that's fantastic. That's the best joke I heard today. That's awesome. And we uh we were both very young.

0:30 She got this thing that I may have contributed to. Yeah. And she we were both very young and I'd actually just enlisted in the army. So I had I'd had a I had a four-year commitment at that point. So we decided to uh to give her up for adoption. Um like I said, there's combination of factors being so young and having having that obligation coming up, we decided it was the best thing to do. Um, so that was like I said 1995 and then turned around to 2018 and uh she found me through uh she took a 23 and me DNA test

1:09 and and found me. She actually found my family first and my family contacted me and said do you know anything about this? And I said yeah I absolutely do. and uh she then reached out to me and start you know thus started the the the relationship um which has been awesome. It was it's you know something I was dreaming about for 25 years. Uh and you know just I I can't even I can't even put into words what it's been like. Um, the reason I'm calling, the only downside to that is, um, I go back and forth with the situation as far as how I'm just scared to death to scare her away and contact her too much. And then I go to one side and last I think last year I I went a full year without contacting her. And she of course texted me and said, "Hey, what's up? You still alive? Everything okay?" And I said, "Yeah, absolutely." you know, I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to bomb martyr. So, um, you know, I'm just

2:14 I'm really just looking for a kind of to help build a road map um towards a a just a a freaking awesome relationship with her moving forward.

2:24 I love that. So, I got two important things for you, okay? Mhm. Um, and it's going to take some or three important things, and it's going to take some real significant honesty and integrity on your part, okay? and a lot of humility. Okay.

2:39 Okay. Here's number one. I want you to be honest with yourself about what a full-fledged relationship would look like and feel like. I want you to see it in 3D, 4D,

2:53 HD, I don't know, whatever these stupid TVs do these. I want you to see it clearly in your fantasy. What would it look like?

3:00 Yeah. You live by her. You're her dad again. You y'all go to breakfast once a week. y'all, she's over for the holidays. Like, go all the way there. And if it's not that, be honest with yourself that really I wanted to text you once a month.

3:19 Mhm. Because the lack of clarity is going to make you nuts and it's going to be very confusing for her.

3:27 Yeah. Well, I mean, I can tell you, John, what I mean, what I want. I have two other kids and I love my kids 110%. You know, I don't go half in. Um, and I want, you know, I want that full package with her, but I I've been very careful. Okay.

3:43 So far to That's going to lead me number two. Okay. Cuz I figured that's what you wanted or you wouldn't be calling.

3:49 Yeah. Number two is you have to within within this week write a letter to 18-year-old you thanking him for being courageous.

4:04 Okay? because the shame in is just dripping off of this call. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's shame at my level of maturity and and you know, discipline at that age that I there wasn't a Well, we made a great decision. I think it was perfect. She ended up with a freaking awesome family.

4:26 Okay. Um and nothing there's been so far there's been nothing bad. It's been like I said, nothing. The only bad part is or ne negative part is um just just trying not to screw it up or not to you know ambush my my uh opportunity for a long relationship with her.

4:47 Okay, so that leads me to number three and this is the simplest yet the I don't know I think it can be the easiest thing in the world. I want you to set up a phone call with her, text and say, "Hey, when you have about 20 or 30 minutes, um, I'd love to talk with you." Or are y'all in proximity where y'all could meet?

5:06 Uh, no. She actually just recently moved overseas. Um, so she's not she's not in the area anymore. So, a face I mean, actually, our first interaction was actually a FaceTime before we met person to person.

5:20 Okay. Um, is she overseas for good? Is she on a deployment or she will she be back? What's the status there?

5:27 No, she well she's she lives in Puerto Rico. Um she they're just there I think probably temporarily.

5:33 Okay. Um living the island life and doing you know it's something that they always wanted her and her boyfriend always wanted to do. I think so.

5:41 Okay. So I would call fairly temporarily and ask if y'all could set up a FaceTime or a Zoom time.

5:47 Yeah. And then I want you to tell her since you found me like a missing piece in my heart has been filled and I have to be honest with you. I have this vision of a pretty amazing relationship with you, but I want to honor you. And so I want you to give me a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term. and in the long term.

6:20 Yeah. And let her drive, which is kind of what I've done so far. I've kind of let her dictate things, you know, like green light, red light, green light, red light, uh, kind of thing.

6:33 Have you got any red lights yet? No. Okay. No. No. No. Really? Like, like I said, in fact, you know, I I kind of put up the red light and then contact her for a while and she'd me

6:44 Why' you do that? Um, I actually I for the first time I missed her birthday. And when I say missed, I I just I'd always remembered it in my mind. Even if I didn't talk to anybody about it, I just knew that that was her birthday. Um, and I actually missed it. And I, you know, I was just ticked off at myself and

7:07 that's shame. Yeah. And so as a dad, we go do the next right thing. we call the next day and be like, "Dude, I suck. I completely missed your birthday and I'm the worst.

7:18 Check your mailbox." Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like, I I I want you to And that's what a lot of that shame comes is all the way back to 18-year-old you. As much as you think you've processed it, write that kid a letter and tell them thank you.

7:35 Okay? And then dads mess up, man. We mess up. And we compound it by silence and we compound it by weight. Don't do don't compound it. You're gonna mess up. You're gonna say the wrong thing or whatever.

7:51 But it's just yeah making the next phone call. And I kind of knew that too in the back of my mind. It's like dude, what are you doing? Why are you not calling her? Why? Why are you doing this? And it was, you know, it's like the de devil and the angel on one side of shoulder and the other. It's like what, you know?

8:07 Yeah. But I'll call her and let her give you a road map and then follow that road map to a T. Okay.

8:16 And if she says, "I'll take it all." Be like, "Cool. I'm booking a plane ticket and me and my wife are coming down to

8:22 coming down to Puerto Rico." Yeah. I'm serious. Yeah, I'd love to do that. That'd be awesome. Yeah.

8:30 Yeah. I mean, that's that that's I'm totally I can totally do that. I can. And what you what you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken. Mhm.

8:39 In pursuit of her, right? Yeah. And I just kind of have to remind myself that I, you know, I I signed her my my rights away 25, well, 30 years ago now, you know, and and I can't expect I can't expect anything. And I've always kind of had that in the back of my mind like, dude, you can't have any expectations.

9:02 Yeah. But she she she blew up that story. Yeah. She called you and said, hey, I miss I want to talk to you. I miss you.

9:10 Yeah. She has it every turn. She really has. Okay. So, stop telling yourself that same old story.

9:16 Yeah. You gave up parental rights from from 0 to 18. You did. Mhm. And you gave her you gave your child to an amazing family and they did a great job.

9:29 Yeah. Period. Now there's two adults that don't have much of a relationship, but they've got some deep ties and she has said, "I'd love to get to know you." And you're like, "Wow, man. I missed the birthday. Crap. I'm just going to take a year off." Like, right? Nah, I'm going to go all in. And if you have a dream about I would talk to your biological I mean your the two kids that you consider quote unquote my kids now and let them know hey I've got this dream

10:05 of all three of us getting together. I know it's going to be weird for you guys cuz this is a 25-year-old you've never met but um

10:12 in my head that would make my heart feel complete. All right, Dad. Whatever, Dad. Okay. Like whatever.

10:22 That's pretty much what I've gotten to. Yeah. Yeah. And then you be declarative about saying out loud, hey, y'all don't know each other. This is my heart feels full right now and complete right now. And let that be that. And there comes a day when she says, "Hey, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm going to risk being heartbroken on that day. I'm going to risk a bunch of amazing moments and getting to know somebody and making a brand new relationship with somebody. I'm going to risk all of the beauty of that for a potential red light down the road that is a forever red light. I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't like you anymore. Blah blah blah whatever.

11:10 But let her give you the road map and then follow that sucker to a tea. And if she says it's all green lights, then dude, me and your you and your wife are going to Puerto Rico this Christmas. That'd be awesome. Or you're going to Puerto Rico for spring break. That'd be rad. But if she says, "Let's let's I want to build this thing from the floor up then, man. Get on your get on your builder's hat and let's start let's start cranking it." That'd be amazing. But thank you for being courageous and brave when you were 18. And thank you for being honorable and not trying to mess stuff up over the pre the next 18, 20 years. And thank you for having the courage to call and say, "Man, there's just been that hole in my heart for a long time. And that courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out and I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I'm going to be a true father, a true man. And I'm going to

12:04 head right into that discomfort because that that that's where the tension is where the connection's going to be.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Biological Daughter Wants a Relationship With Me" about?

The narrative revolves around a man who, after giving up his daughter for adoption at a young age in 1995, reconnects with her in 2018 through a DNA test. He shares his emotional journey of building a relationship with her while grappling with the fear of overstepping boundaries, seeking guidance on how to foster a meaningful connection moving forward.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

4 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including 23 and Me, Puerto Rico, FaceTime, Zoom. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Biological Daughter Wants a Relationship With Me"?

The episode runs 12 min; the transcript is about 2,154 words in 44 timestamped sections.

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