My Brother and His Wife Are Total Slobs

What this episode is about

The discussion centers around the struggles of a couple dealing with the cleanliness issues of a family member's home, highlighting concerns about the impact of the chaotic environment on the marriage and children's well-being. The narrator shares experiences of repeatedly helping the couple clean their home, setting boundaries due to lack of progress, and the indifferent response from the brother and sister-in-law regarding their living conditions.

Key takeaways

• Sometimes family messes are deep-rooted; cleaning is more than just scrubbing floors.
• Boundaries are essential; saying 'no' doesn't make you uncaring, it makes you sane.
• Emotional struggles can turn homes into disaster zones; compassion beats criticism every time.
• Protecting our kids shouldn't mean isolating from family; find a healthier path forward.
• Being annoyed at in-laws? It’s easier than confronting deeper family dynamics – pick your battles!

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Depression, OCD
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Depression
4. 9:00 – 11:26: Together, Depression, OCD

Notable quotes from "My Brother and His Wife Are Total Slobs"

• All you're doing is making yourself insane and your wife too. Or you can exhale and say, My God almighty, I can't imagine being trapped in her body where she's that depressed and that clinically OCD where she's frozen in time,.

  about Depression · at 8:06

• If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected,.

  about Together · at 11:05

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Concepts & topics

• Depression — Concept · Key argument · 3 mentions · first at 5:04
  Discussed as a significant factor affecting the sister-in-law's ability to maintain a clean home and her overall well-being.
• OCD — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 5:02
  Mentioned as a diagnosed condition contributing to the sister-in-law's challenges with cleanliness and daily functioning.
  Exhale and say, My God almighty, I can't imagine being trapped in her body where she's that depressed and that clinically OCD where she's frozen in time, right?

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at 0:03
  The app is promoted as a tool to help build better marriages, with daily action steps for a connected relationship.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. Know how to best talk to our uh sister-in-law about the the filthiness of their home and how it's it's a danger to their kids and their in their marriage.

0:18 Uh okay, there's that that raises two flags for me. One of which is I'm if you've listened to this show for any period of time, I'm hyperprotective of children. And so let's go to the marriage part first and then we'll loop back to some duties and responsibilities when it comes to hurting kids. So tell me about your brother and what he says about his home.

0:40 Well, it's actually my wife's brother, but uh my wife's brother and his wife uh they're both uh almost 40. They've been married for 10 years. Um this is technically their third place that they've lived in. Um and frankly, they can't seem to keep it clean. and uh she's a stay-at-home mom uh for lack of a a better phrase. And uh he's the sole bread winner, so he's working all day. Sometimes he has to travel for work and uh he unfortunately admitted to it to his mom uh that he dreads going home because it's filthy and chaotic. And he uh basically he he doesn't rush home after work.

1:33 And so where do y'all come in on this? Because it doesn't sound like he's asked for y'all's help.

1:39 Um he's they've asked in the past they've asked our help to help clean their home.

1:43 Okay. Um and when we would help them move, we would spend more time cleaning than actually moving.

1:50 Yeah. And especially when they're leaving apartments, they have to of course keep them they have to have them clean of all stuff and uh that takes longer. And we've actually had to put we had to set healthy boundaries saying that after the fourth time of them cleaning it seem not to do anything that we can't come over and clean their home anymore.

2:12 Okay. And so how'd they respond to the boundaries? Uh kind of indifferent. Like they said, "Oh, we'll we'll get on it." But they don't do anything. And then um and then because of the the level of fills in their home um it definitely contributes to how they get sick fairly often like more often than than my wife and my son do. And uh and then with that they will [clears throat] they have no discretion of uh coming to family gatherings when any of them are under the weather and then that gets us sick. Um and kind of uh especially last Thanksgiving we actually missed we were we were supposed to go to my family for Thanksgiving but we couldn't cuz my son had a bad flu cuz he caught it from one of my nephews.

3:07 All right. You're at you're attaching a ton of causality to a group of people you don't like. Okay. Like like I think the honest move here is you're grossed out by him.

3:23 Is that fair? Yeah, that's pretty fair to say. I mean, how old your kid? How old your son?

3:29 Uh he my son is eight. Okay. I guarantee you there's kids in his classroom licking the floor and passing donuts around, especially during college.

3:39 So, who knows where he got the flu? Okay. And it's gross when people show up and they're under the weather and they're coughing all over everything and they're not using like I I get it. Okay. But what I don't want you to do is use your kid use moving using y'all's previous lack of boundaries as an excuse for saying I don't want to go around to family I will not go to family gatherings where they're there anymore. I don't like them and they gross me out. I'd rather you take ownership of what you're going to do next because what's been made super clear in your life if behavior is a language is they don't care.

4:27 Now, if there's rodent feces all around, if there's dog crap all over the house, if there's dog pee all over the house, then I'm going to call social services because those kids are in danger. If those kids are coming to school with open sores and unwashed clothes and etc. that tells me that their mom is probably struggling mightily with some sort of challenges, emotional, psychological or otherwise. Indeed she is. I mean uh um she has been diagnosed with OCD and uh depression and uh um it seems like she has no no motivation to clean and so thankfully they don't have any pets and far as we know any kind of uh uh roses or whatnot to okay is concerned but we're talking like like moldy food and Just gross. Just gross. I get it. I get it. [clears throat] It's gross. And it's not how you and your wife do life. And it's not how you would wish anyone live or grow up. I get that.

5:40 Mhm. But it sounds like if you want to help her, if she's been diagnosed, that means she's been under the care of a professional. So, the big question is, how can we get her the support services we need? [clears throat]

5:55 And how can we either get invited to be at the table and help with support there or look at her at your wife's brother and say until you invite us in to be a part of what how we can be supportive, we're going to choose to back out because because here's the deal. What's the alternative? You're now finding yourself angry in October about two months away family stuff.

6:36 Yeah. Like uh it's to the point where we second guess going to family gathering because we'll know that they'll be there. Okay.

6:42 I mean they're the sweetest people, but they Yeah. living situation that they have is we would never want to go over to their place. It's always gathering at grandma's. Okay. And so if that is if what y'all need to grieve is, man, we wish we could go to each other's houses and we just can't or we're just not going to, then let's be sad about that and let's get on with our lives. Or if the story is, I wish my brother had never married her. I wish he would just leave her. I wish she would take the Here's the deal. He's not going to, at least not now. And he's not asked for that input. And so just sitting there and basting in that story over and over is a choice to be miserable. It's like it's like screaming at somebody who just cut you off in the car in front of you.

7:29 All that does is raise your blood pressure. That person can't even hear you. Yeah. Exactly.

7:34 So it's a choice for you to die younger in your car. Or you can exhale and open your hands on the wheel just a little bit to relieve some of the pressure. And you can just say a quick prayer. Dear God, I hope that dude gets to the hospital before his wife dies. I get to make up whatever story I want so I can sit at home and be like, "That's disgusting. That's gross. That's sick. I can't believe she's like that. She's lazy. She's a so-called stay at home mom. She doesn't do crap." You can do that. I wish my brother would leave her. I wish my brother-in-law would leave her. And the You can do that. And all you're doing is making yourself insane and your wife too. Or you can exhale and say, "My God almighty, I can't imagine being trapped in her body where she's that depressed and that clinically OCD where she's frozen in time,

8:24 right? I'm going to compassionately reach out to my brother and say, "Hey, if there's everything we can do to help with her depression, if you help with with medication, with doctor bills, with psychiatrics, like we'll help any way we can. We're not going to come over and clean your house anymore because that's just a symptom of a bigger issue.

8:40 Yeah. But you get what I'm saying either. And because she's not well, because the whole family ecosystem, because we're just oogged out and grossed or whatever, we are going to choose to not do X, Y, or Z,

8:53 right? It's our choice minus the story. Because the story just makes you all miserable. It doesn't solve any problems. And it's probably partially true. You're

9:03 right. We could we could theoretically talk to her all the live long day, but it's their choice and it's also our choice on what we ch what we do going forward.

9:11 That's right. It's you getting out of the backseat of your own car and getting back into the driver's seat.

9:19 I'm definitely off of that. I prefer driving. Yeah, exactly. I do too. I do too. I'm kind of a control freak, so I do too. My wife says I'm a terrible terrible driver, but I like to drive. But but and and it might be y'all bring invite your brother-in-law over and say, "Hey, you've asked us for this before. We just want to put this out there. We know your wife struggles with depression. We know she struggles with OCD. Um we're worried about y'all and um anything we can do to help with the funding, the f I don't know what kind of resources y'all have, but when it comes to like help, this is y'all putting this on the table and saying, "Here's where we're willing to help moving forward."

9:59 and y'all choosing to say, "Hey, us being angry all the time or frustrated all the time or mad all the it solves nothing other than to create an anxious chaotic home environment for our kids. And as for our house, we're going to solve for peace, which means we got to be sad because we're going to go do Christmas somewhere else. We're going to go get a log cabin during Thanksgiving, and we're going to have a our a small family Thanksgiving. We're gonna have a rando Thanksgiving where I'm gonna invite a bunch of random people from my office and my wife's gonna invite people from her office and we're just gonna get together and do Thanksgiving. Whatever y'all want to do, but y'all get to choose what happens next. I'm just telling you, choosing misery and anger and rage all the time about a problem that nobody's asking you to solve is a recipe for burnout, for just and it's not being uncompassionate at

10:48 all. Because it sounds like y'all are super compassionate. It's It's the futility of trying to help somebody who's not asking for or does not want your help, which is heartbreaking, but that's the reality that you live in. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Brother and His Wife Are Total Slobs" about?

The discussion centers around the struggles of a couple dealing with the cleanliness issues of a family member's home, highlighting concerns about the impact of the chaotic environment on the marriage and children's well-being. The narrator shares experiences of repeatedly helping the couple clean their home, setting boundaries due to lack of progress, and the indifferent response from the…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

3 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Depression, OCD. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Brother and His Wife Are Total Slobs"?

The episode runs 11 min; the transcript is about 1,941 words in 27 timestamped sections.

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