My Sister-in-Law Has Blacklisted Me

What this episode is about

The content explores a conflict between a person and their sister-in-law stemming from immature text messages sent years ago, which criticized the sister-in-law's influence on the brother and their relationship. The narrator reflects on the situation, acknowledging how their brother's behavior changed after marriage, while also grappling with the consequences of their words and the lack of communication within the family dynamic.

Key takeaways

• When siblings marry outsiders, expect family drama: not every new bride comes with a welcoming smile.
• Text messages can be a double-edged sword; once sent, you can't unsend assumptions or accusations.
• Beloved siblings can become estranged; distance often reveals more about loyalty than love.
• The thrill of newfound relationships can sour if expectations collide with reality—who needs fairytales?
• Sometimes, what looks like control is simply a desire for boundaries; family ties can strangle, too.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Together
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Together
4. 9:00 – 12:00: Together
5. 18:00 – 18:39: Together

Notable quotes from "My Sister-in-Law Has Blacklisted Me"

• If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected,.

  about Together · at 18:17

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 6 mentions · first at 0:03
  The app is promoted as a tool to help build better marriages, mentioned at the beginning and end of the podcast.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. I sent um some text messages. This was like seven years ago. Um I sent some text messages that although not very

0:16 what were they? Mature. Um, basically when my brother um married his, you know, now wife, I think they've been together, I don't remember, seven or eight years. Um, we started, we I just say like me, my mom, other people that knew him, started noticing some changes in him. Like he wasn't really allowed to come to our church anymore. His wife is very closed off, doesn't hardly talk to anybody, literally has never asked me a question in seven years. like, "How are you? How is your son?" And like ever. Um and so the the messages that I sent were addressing that, but it was in a really immature way. I mean, I

1:03 I don't It's But here, okay, so here's the thing. It's been so many years that I can't I honestly can't tell you specifically. I think I said things like um I may or may not have said that he drank the Kool-Aid, things like that that were not very nice. and just calling her calling out the behavior that she's had towards him and towards the family. Um, so obviously in retrospect I handled it poorly. Me and my brother have always been the type that you know how some siblings are. You can say things to each other, you can yell and scream and then you're fine five minutes later. So I sent those things in anger. Um, and then what happened was she went in his phone and read them. but wouldn't let him tell me. So, for a couple of years, I had no idea she had read these text messages.

1:54 Um, you you take away your brother's agency a lot. Okay. What do what do you mean exactly?

2:03 Has it ever occurred to you that he showed her that he doesn't want to come to church?

2:08 No. How do you know that? No. No. No. I guarantee you that's not the case. He would never. No. No. No. No. No. He would not do that.

2:18 You think that You think that he would be married to somebody and somebody would rip on his wife to him

2:26 and he would choose that person over his spouse? Um, no. I don't think that, nor do I think he should.

2:36 Yeah, but I don't think he would purposely show her. You're saying two different things. Well, I I don't know what good it would have done to have shown her. Like even if he was like telling me like, "Hey, you're wrong. Don't ever talk to about my wife again." That's one thing. But to show her, I don't see what good that would have done.

3:05 Well, to be a person of integrity and not keep secrets in his own marriage. Yeah, I guess so. Or maybe he has said, "Hey, my" and I'm making stuff up here, right, to be provocative, but I'm just trying to give a a different side of the narrative because you've got a story that's so entrrenched in your head.

3:22 Yeah. That somehow you're trying to rescue your brother from this evil person. Yeah.

3:28 And what I've found over the years is it's never that cut and dry. Or that you don't know that he might have told her, "Hey, dude, don't tell my family anything. it will end up in text threads. They just run their mouths about people just keep low. And she was like, "Cool. Got it."

3:48 Yeah. Or I want to go to whatever church we want to go to or not go to church if we don't want to do that. And she's like, "Oh, thank God. I can't stand that place." Cool.

3:57 Yeah. I've been having to go to these Sunday lunches with my family for the last 15 years. If you don't want to like cool like you don't I guess what I'm saying is you don't know. And so you have one side of a story that you've made up and this thing's gone on for seven years.

4:15 Mhm. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I I think there's some fairness to that because I do think in the beginning so me and my mom and my brother have always been very close um you know forever. And so I think in the beginning there probably was a learning curve for everyone because my brother probably did consult us. And let me just say this. I would like to say this though. I can guarantee you I have never once overstepped. I've never gone to their home unannounced. I think I've only been to their home three times in the past seven years. So I just don't want it to be paint the picture that when I say that yes, there was a learning curve.

4:52 This wasn't like a situation where he calls us every step he makes, we're giving him advice on everything to do because I know some families are very imshed like that. It was not that.

5:01 Totally. But nonetheless, I could see where he probably did go, "Oh, let me, you know, let me see what my sister's doing or whatever." And that probably was something that needed to change.

5:12 Well, and I guess I'm also wondering, is it hard for you and or your mom that your beloved brother, this ride or die brother you had and your mom's, is it her only son?

5:25 Yes. Her only son chose another woman who became number one in his life. Yeah, that's a tough pill to swallow.

5:35 You know, it is. I agree. And and I've had unfortunately plenty of years now to reflect on this, but the truth is when he first met her, we were very excited because we it's a it's too long to go into today, but there were some things that had us separated in our earlier years. And so, we were very much like, okay, this is we're going to make up for lost time together and blah blah blah. So when she came on the scene and was just cold, indifferent, had, you know, didn't want to interact with anyone, it was very disappointing.

6:10 It still is very disappointing. Okay. And I know that's his decision. Yeah, exactly. That could be disappointing. And when he met somebody and he's like, "Dude, I think I met the girl."

6:19 Mhm. You instantly had a picture in your head of what this was going to be like. You were going to get a new sister. Y'all were going to have all these fun adventures together. It was going to be one big happy family. And she was like, "I want our family to be us."

6:32 And instead of grieving that picture that you concocted out of thin air, like I want this to be like this. And she's like, "No, the home that we were going to co-create is going to be different than the one your sister imagined and your mom imagined." And he was like, "Cool great."

6:46 Yeah. Instead of grieving that and saying, "Okay, I still love my brother. He clearly sees something in this woman he wants to create a life with. And so I have to grieve the the fantasy I made up and then I got to find where I can be a part of this new thing or just decide I don't want to be a part of it at all. But instead you've kept your picture up on the wall and you keep pointing back to it saying this is the way it should be and she's the problem. And I guess I guess what I'm saying is after seven years you've still don't have a relationship with your brother which seems to be the thing you miss the most.

7:20 Well, of course, and I've I've and I again, I guess I should have done this in person in retrospect, although I can almost guarantee you it would have turned out really poorly, but I have tried three times. I've emailed her three times and basically said, "I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry I said the things I said. I was angry. I was really more angry with my brother. I'm sorry. You have every right to be mad. What can I do about this? Um, do you want to meet in person?" blah blah blah. and she will not respond to any of my messages.

7:53 Um, my brother can't come to holiday meals now. He looks like he's aged 20 years. My I mean it's it's turned into a horrible big thing and and I don't know. I don't I realize what I I realize the texts were wrong. I take a 100% accountability for that.

8:14 Yeah. But I know but Holly, but listen, this isn't about those text messages. cuz that was 7 years ago.

8:19 Yeah. It's not about You got to let those go, you know. Well, I can't because I'm getting beat over the head with them constantly because that's what she says is her reasoning.

8:29 She won't talk to you. How do you know? She I'll walk by her and talk to her and she literally won't will not look at me or speak to me. And she does the same thing to my mom who never sent any text messages. And

8:40 then let it be her butt all the time. Then let it be known that it's not about the text messages.

8:45 Yeah. She is going through whatever she's going through. Or let me put it this way. This is kind of a crass way to say it, but you're not the star of her story.

8:56 And I I do realize that. I I think there's something much deeper. There might there might be. There might be. But here's what I'll tell you. You've done the right thing. You reached out to her directly on multiple occasions. You've taken the high road and said, "I screwed up." And behavior is a language. She has communicated loud and clear through her silence, I don't want anything to do with you.

9:18 Yeah. And so the next thing to for you to do with this is to be real sad that you lost your brother and to grieve the fact that you have a living brother who doesn't want anything to do with you. And he says he's completely torn. He says he hates he knows that, you know, he thinks she's wrong for not being more forgiving, but he can't make her do anything that she Exactly right. You know,

9:53 which is true. Yeah, I agree. There's You can't make anybody do anything and he can have a grown-up choice of um uh this is no way even close to the same thing, but um as a family, we chose not to travel this year. But I my son and I ended up going on like almost a week long trip over the over the holiday break.

10:18 Mhm. It wasn't as a rejection of my wife or my wife wasn't rejecting her family or my family. It was nothing like what y'all are experiencing, but I had a grown-up choice to make saying, "Hey, I still want to go do these few things."

10:28 Yeah. Um and we it was it was awesome for everybody and we missed each other. And so your brother does have a grown-up choice to make, which is I can't make you come to these lunches. I still miss my family. I'm going to go to the lunch. He can do that.

10:44 He did that for a while. Well, it it kind of progressed for like them coming to the holidays together with her sitting on the couch on her phone, literally not making eye contact or speaking.

10:55 Okay. Just stop. Leave her alone. Yeah. Just leave her alone. It's just so It's just like I don't know how she can respect him or love him and know seeing what this is doing to him. This isn't he that my brother very much wants us to be okay whatever that that looks like. I do not expect any to be holding hands and skipping through the tulips or anything at this point, believe me. But it's really breaking him down. And it's hard for me to watch. And it's hard for me to watch my mom be completely dissed at every turn. And but I I guess what you're saying is, yeah, that's all good and fine and true, but it is what it is. And I have to

11:39 It's not good and fine, but it is what it is. Yeah. And so the choice y'all have is do we really cherish the time when we get our when our brother comes and we don't sit there in the corner if she shows up on the couch on her phone and side eyeing her be like oh my gosh I can't believe she we are just delighting in our brother.

12:01 Yeah. Our in and your mom's son. Yeah. Um I'm very much trying to I really don't get that opportunity hardly anymore but he does go by and check on my mom. So she gets she at least

12:14 That's amazing. Good. That's amazing. Yeah. I would not be interested in spending time with people who hate my wife.

12:24 Yeah. And so I wonder if there's a season in the same way you asked her to forgive you for sending text messages seven years ago.

12:38 Mhm. What if you wrote her a letter that you will good God never send where you just say, "I forgive you. I'm setting you down." Because you're carrying the cinder block that is your imagination of her with you everywhere and it's killing you.

12:52 Yeah. It's not affecting her at all. I know. I know. You're right. You're You're right.

13:02 Set it down. Stop carrying her around with you. Your brother chose her and he's continuing to wake up every day and choose her over and over again. And no amount of hate, no amount of side eye, no amount of mad, no amount of picking apart every action she takes or doesn't take is changing anything other than it's killing you.

13:23 Yeah. Set it down. Decide to write your brother a letter once a week. Send it OG in the mail with a stamp and only tell him some cool stuff that's going on in your life.

13:38 Yeah. Cuz what's the alternative? I mean I Yeah. Apparently there's not. I've been banging my head against the wall for seven years now.

13:48 Yes. And all you have is a concussion. It's not getting better. It's getting worse.

13:50 Yes. You just have a concussion from it. Stop hitting your head on the wall. And and I know you can't fully give advice from his point of view because you know you don't know all all of their lives and all that, but I guess there's always this point of me where I hear not only on your show but just in general and and I believe I truly do believe that obviously your spouse is supposed to be number one. I understand that. I've always understood that. But I also feel like sometimes people use it to their advantage. Like I feel like it's like even if they're having horrible behavior or whatever and they come in and they kind of wreck people people's families and I just wondered from my brother's perspective like if he can say hey I'm going to go have lunch with them every once in a blue moon or something to that effect but he goes home and there's hell to pay what does he I mean I I that that's my

14:41 main concern is I don't he has hell to pay if he doesn't go he can't win he can't win and so if he doesn't come if you'll invite him and he says I can't make it say we love you we're really going to miss you have an awesome weekend.

15:03 Yeah. And then if you put your phone down and turn it off and so your eyes out cuz you miss your brother. That's the next right move cuz the turmoil in that exchange is inside of you. And you can choose to we're just not going to invite him anymore. Okay. or we're gonna keep inviting him and we're gonna risk getting told no over and over again.

15:25 And she's welcome, too. That's the thing. Like, she if she walked in today and never said she was sorry, but just started being halfway civil, I'd be great. Good. Let's move forward.

15:35 Okay. That's not going to happen. I mean, I know that's not going to happen. Yeah, I know.

15:39 Set her down. Yeah. And I'm confident that your brother knows that if you ever if he ever knocked on your door in the middle of the night saying, "I need a place to stay." You'd be he'd be welcome. He knows that. Yeah,

15:52 but you're taking your I guess it is just grieving because it's just, you know, my son doesn't have an uncle. I don't get to see my niece. My It's just

15:59 Yes. All of those things are true. Send pictures of your son in the mail. No, what you want to establish is not a decade of I told you so and I can't believe you and she's the worst cuz nobody wants to engage with that.

16:20 Yeah. No behavior has ever changed long term through complaining and nagging your way to something.

16:26 Yeah, that's true. What you want is 10 years from today on of I always kept showing up for you. I sent you a letter every week. I sent you a picture of our of your nephew every other week. And then when your nephew when your son is 18 and he says, "Where's Uncle so and so?" You can then say, "Man, he's struggling. I tried."

16:56 And I'm going to I'm going to be a person of character. I'm not going to get down in the mud and then get mad at everybody that I'm dirty. Yeah.

17:08 Yeah. Here's the thing. I think I think you're I think all of your anger and frustration, it's not even anger, it's rage. You're mad at this woman. I think all of that is protecting you from how sad you feel that you had this amazing relationship with your brother and he chose some to go a different direction. It's heartbreak.

17:25 Yeah. Let yourself be sad and then go do the next right thing, which might be, you know what, this is what you're you've been asking for for the better part of a decade. I'm going to stop annoying you. I'm going to stop reaching out. Or I'm not going to lose you. I want my I want you to know my nephew. My nephew's going to write you letters, too. I'm gonna send you a letter every other week forever. You can do that too. But this is not about the text messages. Stop with that story. The next move is yours. But I think the next right move for you is a season of just being sad.

18:17 If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Sister-in-Law Has Blacklisted Me" about?

The content explores a conflict between a person and their sister-in-law stemming from immature text messages sent years ago, which criticized the sister-in-law's influence on the brother and their relationship. The narrator reflects on the situation, acknowledging how their brother's behavior changed after marriage, while also grappling with the consequences of their words and the lack of…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Sister-in-Law Has Blacklisted Me"?

The episode runs 19 min; the transcript is about 3,425 words in 62 timestamped sections.

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