Should Dating Be Off Limits for Our Daughter

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Delete Me

Notable quotes from "Should Dating Be Off Limits for Our Daughter"

• Year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets…

  about Delete Me · at 2:24

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Companies & orgs

• Delete Me — Company · 1 mention · first at 2:29

Concepts & topics

• Grokipedia — Concept · 1 mention

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 My wife and I are on separate pages when it comes to um what we allow in our daughter's life. For example, the biggest thing right now is who she's able to um who she's able to date. She's 13. Um, and

0:24 wo my wife my Yeah, my wife feels like um it's okay for a 16-year-old boy to pursue her and and want to be with her and vice versa. Um,

0:38 and want to be with her. What does that even mean? Good god. Yeah. Like uh you know, whatever boyfriend and girlfriend looks like these days. and and so she feels like it could be really good with the boundaries set allowing her to experience life and I come from I still think that she's period too young to be having a boyfriend let alone somebody that's you know 3 years older and it doesn't matter how much I try to partner with her on this it always turns into a huge fight something that we can never see eye to eye on um and then I'm always ending up to be the bad guy. And so I don't know how to approach this conversation. Our upbringings were very different. You know, I had a little longer leash and now I'm because of my experiences, I'm saying, "Hey, I I think we need to keep this closer to the chest where um she was in a much more controlled environment and wasn't allowed to do a whole lot and so she wants to let that

1:41 leash out a little bit further." So I would love your expertise in this. Um, well, I I've got some about the specifics, man. I've got some really firm thoughts. Um, but I want to back out cuz I think this is an important issue and I'm going to address it headon. Comes to 13-year-olds dating, especially dating 16 year olds. If you're watching this, you could have seen my face when you were when you were laying it out for me. But I want to back out a little bit. Okay. Mhm.

2:16 Where else are y'all at odds in your marriage? This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets collected, sold, and shared by data brokers. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information, and it gets it taken down. Start this year fresh with fewer distractions and more peace. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off your annual plan.

2:54 Where else are y'all at odds in your marriage? Uh, exactly. That's what I thought. That's what I thought.

3:03 Yeah. Tell me about that. Uh, I don't know if you have enough time. um the last the last 5 years about 5 years ago uh she had mentioned well not mentioned but she told me that you know she was done in the marriage for a lot for quite a few reasons um and so through the last 5 years just been she hasn't left um thank the Lord she's still a part of this family we're trying to work things out more recently. She's had some revelation in that area. Um, and let's just say we're both on on different thought processes on how much childhood plays into present day. And I'm I'm a firm believer that our our childhood has a huge role in who we are and how we operate. And so just knowing a lot of her childhood um I believe is playing a big role in even how she's approaching her daughter's relationship. You know, she didn't have a very great relationship with her her parents growing up. Um especially her mom. So

4:25 she's always dreamed at having this amazing like friendship parenting relationship with her daughter.

4:33 Yikes. Um, so where where are y'all two struggling everywhere? Yeah. I mean, we

4:43 Let me be concrete because I'm throwing amorphous things at you. Are you all on the same page with how y'all spend money?

4:50 No. Are y'all on the same page with your sex life? Oh, no. Are y'all on the same page with when she walks in the door, your shoulders drop cuz you're glad she's home and vice versa? Uh I am uh yeah I I think I I I do see that changing

5:11 okay somewhat. It it's like I said I don't there's not enough time on this like it it's really hard because to be to be very honest

5:23 Yeah. Just put it out there, man. Yeah. I I I get 100% that you love your wife. Nothing you say is going to change that. but also I want to own reality of the situation you're in right now. Okay.

5:32 And I and I have like and I've five years of counseling, seeing multiple therapists and you know just really lots of books, podcasts, just really that's why I'm a huge fan of the show. There's so much that I learned and continue to learn. My faith is a huge part of also how I lead my family and and how I love my wife. All that to say with boundaries, right? And so, um, you know, I what I am seeing really is this 15year-old girl

6:02 Mhm. that's trapped. Um, whatever whatever has triggered that over the last several years, and I don't think it's just been the last five. I think it's been for many more years than that because it wasn't that girl was never able to grow up or experience or whatever. I see a lot of that like just continue to come out and so

6:25 yeah she's re she's reexperiencing it because she has right a daughter in the house right

6:31 yeah and doing that with my daughter and so there's like even when it comes to dating and being with these guys those those boundaries that control that's put in place there you see a lot of her kind of living through that whether I mean she would never agree to that statement but really that's that's what's happening And even when we have those conversations about my daughter and this as an example, you see a lot of that um teenager fight with the parent, you know, it's it's it's very much there. And so I also recognize that that's also at play. I have we have other children in the home as well. And and so like I said, there there's just a lot of things that I've had to work through.

7:19 And so recently she went um on this trip conference came back with some new revelation about just where she's at and where some of this has come from. And you know some of the things have been about looking at me being too controlling or too manipulative or too emotionally abusive or or whatever. And I know a lot of that comes from that lens as well. Um but with that she's recognizing that man I have played a part in that that I'm that I'm not a victim right that I have

7:53 she has she has played a part in co-creating the house she lives in Yeah. Yeah. because and and and when you grow up like it sounds like she did and obviously I want to be respectful cuz she's not on the phone but with how you're telling her story any any instance of you stepping in to be supportive to create values in your house to make wise choices. If her lens if the glasses she is experiencing her life in and seeing her life unfold as an adult with a with a young girl in her home then you become her dad. So everything that you do is tinged with trying to control, not love, trying to emotionally abusive, not holding boundaries, right? So it can be a lens

8:39 that she experiences everything through. Yeah. And I'm not I'm not removed from fault. Like you're not perfect. I'm a very sarcastic guy. Like course of course and I've learned,

8:50 you know, God brought her into my life to teach me how to let some of that go. I totally get that. But that lens is still very much the reality. And and so like with this particular instance, um anytime I raise my hand, I've tried different approaches rather than just a hard no. Um looking at a partnership and really trying to get her to see that. And the problem is is like when I when I go to people get opinions, you know, I throw a situation out there. I feel like those conversations are being brought before, you know, mature adults that have worked through life that maybe have been parents before, therapists or whatever. Well, she says the same thing. And it it's hard for me.

9:41 I know I know that that's not true. And even if it is true, the people she's talking to obviously, you know, have not walked through that or they are not of the same mindset.

9:54 Sure. Well, I So my my my 30,000 foot concern here is that your teenage daughter is going to be the proxy war that your marriage is that's she's going to become the battlefield that you fight for your marriage upon.

10:09 Yeah. And she can't carry that weight. Yeah. And so the deeper, harder conversation, which sounds like you've been wrestling with for half a decade or more is how do we co-create a world where we're both seen and we're both known and we're both celebrated on a regular basis and those things provide an opportunity for us to challenge each other.

10:36 Yeah. And that has to be the focus here. And I get obviously like I mean I take calls from all over the planet. I was just on the phone with business leaders doing marriage coaching behind closed door. Like I get that also that's not how it works right?

10:51 Yeah. There's one spouse that's in a different path, right? In a different part of their their their life, reexperiencing things, trying to recorrect things through their their kids or through their work or through their sex life, whatever it is, and it becomes just a mess. Um, so I I get the pickle you're in and I also have some compassion for your wife saying I I think the way to stop I can imagine her feeling in her nervous system. The way for me to change change my family tree is to simply bulldo every boundary that I felt hemmed in by as a child.

11:29 The problem is y'all's daughter is going to be a casualty of that. And so with with no hesitation, like with no quiver or doubt in my mind, after spending my entire career working with teenagers and their parents and having my a 15-year-old and a nine-year-old in my house, there's no chance, no way in any shape, form, or fashion would I let my 13-year-old son date a 16-year-old girl or let my 13-year-old daughter date a 16-year-old boy. No chance, no how, no way. It's not fair to the 16-year-old. It's super super not fair to the 13-year-old.

12:14 Like, period. End of story. Point blank. Yeah. And so, and I I would even back out and say, I mean, the question I would ask her if she was on the phone is like, what do you think you missed out on as a 13-year-old that you're going to solve by putting her in the arms of a 16-year-old boy? Or what experiences do you think you're quote unquote robbing her from or or holding her back from instead of protecting her from? And again, I'd have this exact same conversation if your 13-year-old, your eighth grade boy was being pursued by a sophomore, junior in high school.

12:58 Yeah. Right. Um, and I I can just tell you the rules in my house, which are nobody goes on a date, a one-on-one date until they're 16. Period. End of story. That's the baseline. Now, my son is in high school. He's gone to dances with groups of people. He goes to the movies with groups of people. I want to with like you said with boundaries teach socialization, but there's no way I would put a 13-year-old in that situation like like under like under zero circumstances.

13:38 Yeah. And I and I guess the hard part for you is you know that, right? Yeah. And this is becoming the proxy war by with the which the disconnection in your marriage is being fought.

13:53 Yeah. Because she'll even she'll even say like I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you know my my daughter and then I'm walking on eggshells with you and I can't win. And they said well we can win if we come at this together.

14:06 Correct. We're not we're not we're not competing with our 13-year-old ever. Right. She's she's a child and so we we make those rules. We make the guidelines. We come together. It's not like, well, if me and her do this thing, is it going to upset dad? It should never be about that.

14:22 Absolutely not. And and more importantly, 13-year-olds are supposed to be mad at their parents.

14:29 Yeah. 18-year-olds are supposed to be mad at their parents. That's part of the gig.

14:35 Yeah. And so if parenting is trying to avoid a teenager not being mad at you or not liking you, what a what a scary place for that teenager to find themsself that they are responsible for the emotional response of the adults in their home. And more importantly, how terrifying for a 13-year-old or a 16-year-old to realize I can control the adults in my life. Yeah,

15:04 that is a terrifying weapon that a teenager, a child would find themsself in. And so I I without digging into I mean it sounds like you've been on a path, man. And it sounds like your wife is on a path. I would have to talk to both of you to sit down and give you some guidance on what I you know, here's what I think y'all's next steps are together. But man, somebody's got to step up and protect that 13-year-old girl. Somebody's got to step up and protect that 16-year-old boy from himself. And yeah, that I mean, I think you knew what I was going to say, but um that's that's where I stand on this whole thing. But brother, thank you for the call, man.

15:57 I'm I'm fully team George on this one, man. And my hope is you'll continue to treat your wife with dignity and respect as she tries to wrestle with this. And at the same time, lovingly and firmly saying, "Dude, I remember being a 16-year-old boy. This is a this is bad news all around.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Should Dating Be Off Limits for Our Daughter"?

In order: 0:00 Delete Me.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

2 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Delete Me, Grokipedia. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Should Dating Be Off Limits for Our Daughter"?

The episode runs 16 min; the transcript is about 2,577 words in 37 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

• All analyzed episodes
• Books mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• People mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Sponsors mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Topics mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show