Should I Withhold Sex From My Husband?

What this episode is about

The discussion focuses on the complexities of marital dissatisfaction and the struggle with unfulfilled expectations, specifically concerning a partner's lack of action toward shared goals, as highlighted by the issue of excessive gaming. The speaker reflects on the need for self-reflection and open communication to avoid larger issues in the relationship, emphasizing the importance of aligning actions with expressed desires for a more fulfilling partnership.

Key takeaways

• In relationships, it's the small, habitual actions that often betray our true intentions and desires.
• Video games can symbolize escapism, but they also reflect deeper emotional needs and undercurrents in a partnership.
• Self-reflection is the foundation of proactive relationship repair; acknowledging issues before they become crises is key.
• Time-wasting hierarchies reveal personal values; our choices in leisure reflect not just preferences but our priorities.
• The inability to dream can paralyze; support your partner in finding their aspirations instead of judging their distractions.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together, video game, Ayatollah K, Jeremy John Mary
2. 3:00 – 6:00: video game, hunting, numbing out, comedy club
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Failure Factory, Jeremy John Mary, Fortnite, Fortnite
4. 9:00 – 12:00: video game, gratitude
5. 12:00 – 15:00: Together, gratitude, Power, modern culture
6. 15:00 – 18:00: Together, gratitude, numbing out, video game

Notable quotes from "Should I Withhold Sex From My Husband?"

• So I the big thing and something that I mentioned in my you know call or whatever submission was video game or computer games I guess it is [clears throat].

  about Jeremy John Mary · at 0:57

• And Dr. K talked to me about like I've always thought they were just a way to numb out. I was wrong. People play games the same way I go to the woods and hunt, right? So it's…

  about video game · at 2:58

• One of the things for me is you say go hunting. I'm well, you're outside. You're in nature.

  about hunting · at 3:57

• Then the message he has is, I don't need you here.

  about Failure Factory · at 8:00

• I think it feels like I don't think it's giving up control, but it's like giving up power.

  about Power · at 13:35

• You're breathing the air that our culture has given you.

  about modern culture · at 14:43

• And then say, I want to build something amazing. And we get to co-create that together. But this house we're going to rebuild because we have a new marriage now, it's going to be built on gratitude and purpose. Thank you.

  about gratitude · at 16:23

• Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

  about Together · at 18:02

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Jeremy John Mary — Person · Caller / listener (marriage advice seeker) · 2 mentions · first at 0:51
  She describes conflict around her husband's gaming and difficulty expressing gratitude, driving the episode's coaching conversation.
• Ayatollah K — Person · Referenced expert (prior interview subject) · 2 mentions · first at 2:33
  Cited to reframe video games as potentially restorative rather than purely 'numbing out,' influencing the host's coaching approach.
  And Dr. K talked to me about like I've always thought they were just a way to numb out. I was wrong. People play games the same way I go to the woods and hunt, right? So it's like u or the same way I.

Products & tech

• Fortnite — Product · Example / reference point in discussion · 2 mentions · first at 1:04
  Used as a concrete example of the husband's gaming and as a comparison for time/effort allocation in family life.
  And it's easy to say, Man, if you put the time in on learning how these kids work as you do on playing Fortnite, it's easy to do that, and I get it. But if you can be honest, and I'm throwing.

Concepts & topics

• video game — Concept · Core topic · 8 mentions · first at 1:04
  Central theme of the episode, discussing the impact of video games on relationships and personal fulfillment
• gratitude — Concept · Key argument · 5 mentions · first at 11:12
  Highlighted as a crucial element in rebuilding and strengthening relationships
• numbing out — Concept · Strategy · 3 mentions · first at 5:11
  Described as a behavior to avoid dealing with deeper issues, particularly in the context of video games
  And Dr. K talked to me about like I've always thought they were just a way to numb out. I was wrong. People play games the same way I go to the woods and hunt, right? So it's like u or the same way I.
• Failure Factory — Concept · Framework · 2 mentions · first at 7:20
  Used to describe a situation where someone feels they cannot succeed, particularly in parenting
• hunting — Concept · Key argument · 3 mentions · first at 3:02
  Compared to video games as a more acceptable form of leisure and fulfillment
• Power — Concept · Key argument · 1 mention · first at 13:44
  Discussed in the context of personal dynamics within relationships and self-perception
• modern culture — Concept · Framework · 1 mention · first at 14:43
  Critiqued for promoting independence to the point of isolation in relationships
• comedy club — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 3:11
  Mentioned as another form of leisure activity compared to video games
  Numb out. I was wrong. People play games the same way I go to the woods and hunt, right? So it's like u or the same way I go play music or whatever. So or go to the comedy club…
• Fortnite — Concept · Case study · 1 mention · first at 7:35
  Used as a specific example of a video game that can become a numbing agent
  And it's easy to say, Man, if you put the time in on learning how these kids work as you do on playing Fortnite, it's easy to do that, and I get it. But if you can be honest, and I'm throwing.

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 5 mentions · first at 0:03
  Framed as the host's 'daily marriage app' and promoted at the end with pricing and download CTAs.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. Like you talk all the time about like the or what statements and I feel like I don't have any or I feel like the or what statements are always in like these huge situations like somebody's blown up their whole marriage and it's like either you change or like I'm out like it's divorce and I don't I don't that's not the point that I'm at. But there are things that I feel like I need to be different or that will be where I get to. And

0:37 can I applaud you for that? Thanks. Like that's awesome. That's a level of self-reflection. Like I see this now, but I also see where we're heading

0:47 and I want to stop this now before we are just sitting around in a burned down house sifting through ash. Good on you, Mary.

0:54 Yeah. All right. So, what's going on? What's going on in your house? So I the the big thing and something that I mentioned in my you know call or whatever submission was video game or computer games I guess it is [clears throat]

1:10 um and there are that's like a thing for sure but there are definitely other things not big just like death by a thousand cuts type of situation where It's just like I the way that we both say we want our lives to look is not the way that we're doing things. So there's like a dissonance between like what we say we want and I'm saying we

1:43 it's I I see this in him that he says he wants things but then the way he lives his life I'm like you're not showing that you want those things but your behavior is the language me that those are not the things I mean maybe you want them like in a I want to want them kind of way but like I don't see the effort into like changing and doing the things that we've talked about are important for our family or whatever. So that's the games are a big one cuz what I want to say is like that's not attractive to me when I know you've been like sitting around all night playing games.

2:20 It's like I I Like I don't know what to say like or what then like if you don't [clears throat] like get it together.

2:31 What what do the games like what do the games symbolize? Because I I I I recently had an interview with Dr. K and I I've always thought video games were a certain thing, right? A lot of the guys that work on my show are gamers. Like I've always thought games were

2:47 I fill in the blank for all kinds of derogatory statements I can make. Right. Yeah. And

2:53 I've got some amazing, hardworking, awesome guys on my show that play games. And Dr. K talked to me about like I've always thought they were just a way to numb out. I was wrong. People play games the same way I go to the woods and hunt, right? So it's like u or the same way I go play music or whatever. So or go to the comedy club like

3:13 it. So I don't want to demonize that, but it sounds like the games represent something to you.

3:21 Yeah. And I think to me, so I've examined this a lot cuz I feel like this could be a situation where I'm like putting myself above other people cuz I try and tell myself like in my mind like what's the difference between him playing a game and me like watching a movie or something, right? Cuz that's kind of like my listening listening to podcast or like watching a I don't watch a lot of TV, but like movies were kind of my thing.

3:47 Sure. So like what's the difference between that? What's the difference between the way that I quote unquote waste time and the way that he chooses to waste time? The thing, one of the things for me is like, you know, you say go hunting. I'm like, well, you're outside. You're in nature. Like, you're moving your body. Like there are to me there's like a hierarchy of like time wasting or like hobbies or whatever you want to call it.

4:11 Hobbies I would say maybe. And I see in myself and I've known this and I've expressed this, but like to me playing games is like it's it's like the perfect setup to feel good and like you're accomplishing something without actually

4:31 accomplishing anything, bettering yourself, bettering the world around you. Like it's just like a total on the bottom of the totem pole for me. And I don't know,

4:42 you you're allowed to be attracted to whatever you're attracted to. Yeah. And so if your husband's playing video games cuz he works his butt off for your family and it's his way he connects with his buddies from college and yada yada. Great.

4:54 And in the same way you don't watch movies every single night of the week because there's a life going on and y'all are adults. I don't hunt every day of the week, right?

5:03 And um so some of that would be you just getting over it, right? Like I don't get it but he's into it. fun. It sounds like though he's using video games as a way to opt out of participating in the life of your family.

5:18 That's Yeah, that's exactly right. And it's and he he knows that if we can get down to like not fighting about it and for me to ask like is is this like I just want you to be honest like is this like does it make you happier? Does it like fulfill you? and he's if he's honest about it, he's like, "No, like I I know that this is not like the ideal life that I could be living." And so for me, it's just so hard cuz I'm I'm like then just change like then just don't do it. [clears throat] Like I kind of I don't know or like choose something else to do. But like I there are there's a lot that goes into this, but I feel like from his childhood like he just like I'll ask him like what do you want? Like put away put aside like any of the like work it would take or the money it would cost. Like put anything aside like if you could just like dream like what would you be doing? What do you want? and he like can't even

6:37 can't even answer that question cuz I feel like he doesn't feel like he could do it. So, he like doesn't even allow himself to

6:47 Okay, that's that's my next question to you as his wife. Like look out and dream.

6:51 Okay, but this is a hard question I'm going to ask you. Okay. And he's not on the phone with me. So, I'm going to ask you this.

6:57 Yeah. Where do you celebrate him? Or let me ask you a different question. Where can he win in your house? [clears throat]

7:09 Do y'all have kids? We do. Yeah. How old are they? Um, we have a 9-month-old and a three-year-old.

7:18 Okay. So, number one, I can almost guarantee you he is living in a failure factory cuz he doesn't know how little kids work. And it's easy to say, "Man, if you put the time in on learning how these kids work as you do on playing Fortnite, it's easy to do that, and I get it. But if you can be honest, and I'm throwing stuff up against a wall, I may not be accurate." Okay?

7:45 But if he has gotten the message either implicitly or explicitly, I don't do the bottles right. I don't put the diapers on right. I don't do bedtime in the right order, in the right way. I don't even know how to wash these bottles. I tried to wash them once and you came in. And we're like, "That's not how you do." Then the message he has is, "I don't need you here."

8:08 Yeah. I I I don't think we fit. I I know I'm not like that. Okay. In this area, like with kids and our home, if he does anything, it's like, "Thanks for doing that. I don't give a crap how the towels are folded." Sure.

8:26 I don't care how you like he's he's he works from home and I kind of I'm have a job that allows me to be home more than like full time, you know? So, we're So, like he takes on a decent amount of the child care things like we switch off nights with bedtime and those things. I'm like that I don't care if you do two books and three songs and I do three songs and you know like I don't care.

8:55 Okay, perfect. So for those things I am not like the you know maybe trope of like the you don't do anything right.

9:03 Sure. It's more in [clears throat] like the bigger scheme of just like I would love to cheer him on in anything that he tried to do.

9:13 Yeah. But like he he doesn't like I don't know how to like pump him up for like having a job cuz like that's a normal adult thing to like have a job. And it's not that I'm like trying to make him feel stupid that that's all he's doing. But I just like I don't know how to like make somebody feel like the coolest person alive for like having a job cuz like we all have a job. I don't know. It's like I guess.

9:44 Yeah. But I I've got I've got a whole team here that works on this show with me.

9:48 Yeah. And they all get paid. Yeah. And they all do their job really well. Yeah.

9:56 And it still feels good for someone to be like, "Hey, you did a great job on that. Thank you."

10:01 Yeah. And I'm not saying that he's nine and you need to pat him on the head. That's not what I'm saying.

10:08 Yeah. I'm just saying this. If you're not his biggest cheerleader, somebody else or something else will be.

10:15 Yeah. And if he has a scoreboard on a video game that tells him whether he's doing a good job or not, that's where he's going to gravitate towards.

10:24 If he's got buddies in a bar that will be happy to see him, hey, Norm, when he walks in the door, that's where he'll go.

10:31 Yeah. And part of it is he's got to be a grown man. And this is going to sound crazy and you might think you're nuts, dude. But just try it. And if this doesn't work, I want you to write back into the show and I will read your response and I will say Jaloney, you I did what you said and you failed. And I'll read it. I'll I'll eat crow in front of everybody who listens to the show.

10:54 Okay? But I [snorts] want you all to do like a twohour let's like here's our money situation. Here's our life situation. We have two young kids. Here's all the things we need to do. Diapers, bedtime, all that stuff. And I here's the stuff I want us to do this year. And I want you to look at him and say this. I have not done a good job telling you how glad I am that I'm married to you. I see the work you put in from home to support this family. And thank you. I'm grateful for you. I love you. And you might be cringing right now as I'm saying that, but somebody has to go first.

11:37 And if he takes that gift you gave him, which is I see you and I know you and I'm grateful for you. If he takes that and then plays more video games, then your marriage has deeper issues.

11:48 Yeah. Right. Yeah. If you say, "Here, I'm seeing you and I'm knowing you and I'm celebrating you and here's how I want to be seen and known and celebrated." And he's like, "Oh, sweet. Now I have a road map. That'd be awesome."

12:10 Why is that so hard? I don't know. You tell me. Why is that so hard? That's like like just imagining myself trying to sit down and say that is like terrifying. Even though I know if I did, he would be like so grateful to hear that.

12:39 Why is it hard for you? Why is it hard for you to put down your scorecard? I don't know. I I feel like I but it's it's been hard for me. With the exception of like a few friendships and my children, that's like so hard for me to say to like to imagine saying to anybody.

13:15 Why? What do you feel like you're scared of losing something? What are you afraid of losing by looking at somebody and saying, "My god, you I lean on you. Thank you." What are you afraid of losing? I think it feels like I don't think it's giving up control, but it's like giving up

13:45 power. Some of Yeah. like my power to be okay cuz like I have done a lot of hard things and I've like and I'm okay and I feel like I like myself you're not okay cool things

14:01 you're not okay that's that's the mask you've created and it's an awesome suit it fits great like Spider-Man like the suit fits great

14:12 but you're not okay I'm just curious as to why you can create humans with this man and why y'all can share a checking account together, but you can't tell him I'm grateful for you.

14:32 That's terrible, huh? It's not terrible. Your body's trying to protect you from something, so I want to honor it. I

14:42 I'll cut to the chase here. You're breathing the air that our culture has given you. And that is as a modern sophisticated intelligent hardworking woman, you should not need anybody. You should not need anything. And everybody else should feel as twisted up inside as you do because that's just what this is. And I want to tell you, it's an insane, insidious lie.

15:25 You do need that guy. You need him to step up. You need him to do things that will be attractive to you. You need him to stop numbing out inside your own home. and he needs you to say, "I'm grateful for you. This house doesn't work without you." And so, here's my my my call, my challenge to you is go for it. You don't have anything to lose, but tell him, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Write him some. Write him a letter and read it to him about how grateful you are for him. How he is helping provide you with a dream you've had since you were a little girl, which is to be a mom. It's to be a wife.

16:23 And then say, "I want to build something amazing." And we get to co-create that together. But this this house we're going to rebuild because we have a new marriage now, it's going to be built on gratitude and purpose. Thank you. I don't say it enough. And that ends this year. And then instead of saying, "Quit using your numbing agent in this house where I can't even say the words, I'm I'm grateful for you." Um, I'm not going to kick your crutch out from under you. I'm going to join you. And also, I've put some stuff on the calendar for us. We're going to start getting out of the house because I want us to get out of the house. I don't want us to become a house that where we work from home, we live at home, we stay at home, we sleep at home, and we never go anywhere. That's a recipe for insanity.

17:10 But before you start going tactical, you need to keep growing. We got to keep doing this. You have to look at him and put both of your hands on either side of his face and say, "My god, I'm so glad I got you. I don't understand your comedy club or your need for more guitars or your need for dressing up in your hunting outfits to go out in the woods. or your video games, but I'm not going to understand every hobby, but my god, I'm glad I got you. And if it's restorative a couple nights a week, great. And if it's a numbing agent, then we love each other enough to call each other out.

17:47 If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "Should I Withhold Sex From My Husband?" about?

The discussion focuses on the complexities of marital dissatisfaction and the struggle with unfulfilled expectations, specifically concerning a partner's lack of action toward shared goals, as highlighted by the issue of excessive gaming. The speaker reflects on the need for self-reflection and open communication to avoid larger issues in the relationship, emphasizing the importance of aligning…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including video game, gratitude, Jeremy John Mary, numbing out, Ayatollah K, Failure Factory. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Should I Withhold Sex From My Husband?"?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 2,988 words in 54 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

• All analyzed episodes
• Books mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• People mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Sponsors mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Topics mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show