Transcript

Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 12 min · 13,864 words · 176 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)", an episode of Watch What Crappens published January 14, 2026 (1 h 12 min, about 13,864 words). It mentions 7 people, works and ideas, including By the Way, Chad GBT, Big Ben, Golden Krappies, Ben Mandeler.

What this episode is about

In this episode of Southern Charm, the discussion centers on the latest developments within the series and the excitement surrounding the upcoming Golden Krappies awards event in Los Angeles, highlighting ticket sales, special guests, and community engagement opportunities for fans. Additionally, updates are shared about new ad-free content available on Patreon, enhancing the viewer experience for dedicated supporters.

Key takeaways

  • Patreon is the VIP section of podcasting; skip the ads and dive straight into community fun!
  • The Golden Krappies: where Bravo's finest meet their fans—like an Oscar with more shade and cocktails.
  • Randy's role as inept butler proves that even disasters can become beloved pop culture icons.
  • Craig sipping coffee reveals that sometimes adulting looks a lot like a toddler’s chaotic lunch hour.
  • Revisiting 'Big' hints that maybe the real villain is the man-child thriving on corporate chaos.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Ben Mandeler, Golden Krappies, Ronnie Karum
  2. – 30:00: By the Way
  3. – 40:00: By the Way
  4. – 50:00: By the Way, Chick-fil-A
  5. – 1:00:00: Big Ben
  6. – 1:10:00: By the Way
  7. – 1:11:46: By the Way, Golden Krappies

Notable quotes from "Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)"

  • And you can listen to crappins without the ads if you support over there. also the Golden Krappies tickets on sale this Friday and the tickets will be available on our website…
    about Golden Krappies · at
  • By the way, one thing we also have to note is that Whitney is wearing a trucker cap that says Arowan veteran.
    about By the Way · at
  • So, over at Austin's house, he is eating Chick-fil-A and, Audrey calls and she's What are you doing?
    about Chick-fil-A · at
  • So now Chef Ben comes out with a tray of pork and ginger dumplings and peach poison. And Craig's Wow. Yeah, he's the best chef I've ever met. And chef's Wow,.
    about Big Ben · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Big Ben — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Ben Mandeler — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Hello and welcome to Watch Crains, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandeler and joining me is the one and only Ronnie Karum. Hi Ronnie. How's it going?
  • Ronnie Karum — Person · 1 mention · first at
    That we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandeler and joining me is the one and only Ronnie Karum. Hi Ronnie. How's it going?

Companies & orgs

Products & tech

Concepts & topics

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome to Watch What Happens. To get our videos as soon as they're released instead of waiting for a week, head over to our Patreon. That's also where you'll find our bonus episodes and our Discord community. We love you guys. Hello and welcome to Watch Crains, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandeler and joining me is the one and only Ronnie Karum. Hi Ronnie. How's it going?

Good. Hello Ben. Hello. Hello. We are here today to talk Southern Charm and so many other things before we get into that are happening here with crappins. Very exciting stuff. First and foremost, crappins adfree is back and it now lives on Patreon. So go to patreon.com/watchforcens and you can listen to crappins without the ads if you support over there. Um, also the Golden Krappies tickets on sale this Friday and the the tickets will be available on our website and there'll be links on our social media. It's our the Golden Krappies are going to be on February 27th in Los Angeles at the Fonda Theater. It's going to be a great time. We always have an amazing time.

It's so great to bring the whole community together. We usually have some really wonderful special guests and we will continue that. We will continue to have special guests and wonderful guests and fun times, fellow content creators, people from who knows where and we just have the best time. So come join us for that. It's a spectacular time. There will be some streaming details for that will be sometime once that's ready. we will let you know, but it's just not ready yet. Um, but please come join us. And if you are listening to this in time, there is a Patreon pre-sale that's going from 10:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. on Thursday, January 8th. That's available on Patreon. So, uh, can't wait. We're going to be assembling a ballot. It's going to be a great time. Uh, we'll ask for your help with that and then the voting will begin. It's awards season, guys. This is the most prominent award in the world of Bravo. So, please be

part of it. Come be there in person, help out with the ballot, and do your civic duty so that way the right people are rewarded the right things. With that all being said, let's now pivot over to Charleston so we can talk about season 11, episode 6, a medium rare apology for for southern charm.

Ronnie, uh, it was a male. It was the boys dinner episode. a kind of a tame boys dinner episode. I mean,

yeah, whatever. But we did get some good Randy lore so Oh my god, the Randy lore was thick. Oh, that was you. You you watched this before me and you said there was some good Randy stuff, and I could not believe how good the Randy stuff was. It was amazing. Like we've been joking about Randy for a while about like you know how Patricia teases him and electrocutes him because he's so like inept as a butler. But like actually looks like there may be some truth to our joking a little bit. Like he is kind of a disaster. A true disaster. But um

yeah. So we start at Madison's new home. She's moving into the new home. That can go right there on the screen porch. Okay. So they're moving stuff in. And um what's his buns? The guy. The hot guy comes in. He's like, "Oh, yeah. This uh teddy bear told him to throw it away." She's like, "Oh, throw it away. I already threw him away. Let's keep the teddy bear. Let's keep the teddy bear to remember that we threw Austin in the trash." All right. Great.

So then over at Austin's house, he's um he's with the cats and he's like, "Hey, this is insane right now. It's your favorite thing is watching me scoop your poop. Oh my god, he poops so much. Human sized [ __ ] It's crazy." So he does that and then we go over to Craig and he is in a business meeting with Jerry and Amanda and they're like business business. Jerry's like, I think there's a good chaos and there's I think there's a chaos we inflict on ourselves, do multiple deals, do national stores and there's synergies and rapid really rapid growth and you know indexes and uh income and revenue blah blah blah. And Craig's just sitting there like slurping his coffee like he's lifted the the straw out of the coffee and is licking the whipped cream or whatever off the bottom of it and slurping it. And one of the partners is like, "Um, I cannot take I'm eating seriously with this idiot licking his straw." I mean, if anybody

wonders what Craig does in his business, this is it. You see it right here. And I'm surprised they even show us so much of the inner workings because it's Jerry. It is Jerry and Amanda. Okay. They're like, "We're going to do everything. You just have to add your pretty little slurping face." You know, he's like, "Okay." It's basically a scene from Big, right? like like they're trying to conduct actual work and there's a grown manchild just in the middle of it just slurping a a shake that they have to contend with.

You know, I feel like if you by the end of it, you're like, "Is Elizabeth Perkins a pedophile?"

Discuss. I feel like if you rewatch Big, you probably realize that Tom Hanks is the villain after all. He's like the one who is just literally a child who fails upwards into this toy company and you realize like why does he get any credit for anything? So anyway, I you know what I always think about with Big I always think about how when he wakes up as Tom Hanks and the mom gets like it's like who is this adult male in my house and like takes like a knife is like get out of the house. I remember after I saw that movie my mom was like I would always recognize my son. I would never hold a knife on my son. I would always recognize you this day, like 30 years later. I'm like,

if you came home 30 years older, I would still know it's you. Okay. My mom doesn't even talk like that, but like in that moment, she talked like Dolores. She's like, I would always remember you.

I would know you, honey. I would know you. I rode here with you and I'm leaving here with you. So, now we go over to Patricia's and she's like, Randy, he's like, oh, I'm coming, man. I'm coming. Well, what I'm thinking. All right, I'm setting the table here. So, I'm just going to play. I say put the place card in front, but we've got to fill up the space a little bit. So, what? Wait, the wrong spoon is here. Why is this the wrong spoon? I'm sorry. I'm I'm sorry. Please don't. Randy, take this spoon. Hold it. Hold it to your forehead. Okay. Now, ding your head with it. Ding. Ow. Good boy,

Randy. What happened to the place card I just told you to hold? Um, it's gone. What do you mean? I ate it. Why'd you eat the place card? I don't know. I got distracted. Oh, Randy. Okay, give me that spoon again. There you go.

All right, giving this spoon back to you now. How did that happen? Okay, wait a minute. This is a Why are these turned the wrong way? These forks are turned the wrong way, Randy. He's like, I just I'll I'll just turn them. I'll just turn them like this. Thank you, Randy. Hold on. Hold up that fork. Look at the times. Put it close up to your eye. Look at that. Closer. Closer. Ow. That's right. That's right. That's what we get for putting the wrong forks. God, you got to train them. Randy is a very nice person, but he was not professionally trained as a butler.

play was really a bartender and he is most interested in developing his job as a DJ. I was like, "Wow, everyone on Bravo wants to be a DJ. What's going on?" And we see a picture of him and he's It's literally like DJ Randy and he's like DJing like some sort of outdoor event. It's a wedding of some sort. It's like, are you kidding me? It's the most hilarious twist. I was not expecting that. I I feel like I guess is the backstory that Patricia could not find a butler so got like a temp butler and has been just waiting for the real thing to come around. Why?

They just don't have trained butlers anymore. They just don't have them anymore. I guess there's no such thing as a trained butler.

But this one does try to spin plates. Very frustrating. He says he's working on a Norah Jones remix, whatever that means. So he's um he looks terrified. I mean, Ramy really is like, "Okay, okay. Is it this? Is it this? Did I do it right now? like the fork goes above the plate. Randy, so I usually come in and rearrange silverware cuz it's not done properly. Cuz I don't know if you heard this part, but DJ, something I wish I'd known before I'd hired him, but now it's I'm in too deep. I get too much joy from activating his shot collar to let him go. Oh well.

Anyway, uh Randy, I think with this these forks and spoons, I think they have to be clean, though.

Of course. Of course. Clean it. It's your way of saying what, ma'am. Sorry. Clean the forks and spoons and knives, please, Randy. I'm

so sorry, ma'am. I'm so sorry, ma'am. Well, there are a lot of little nicities I know about because I had Michael, who was professionally trained. Michael was a DJ in the sense that he could do the job.

He was he called himself a DJ. Do the job. He called himself a DJ, but mainly that's cuz he called himself also a dish jockey. Was much more helpful for the job. So then we see clips of Michael with angel wings on, you know, doing perfectly doing a dining table and saying, "Here, you're here, ma'am." Thank you. Thank you. God, I just I just have this little wire sticking out from that electrical socket. Nothing to use it on cuz Michael is just so talented. Cut to Randy. Randy, hand me your hand. Well you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have. Yep.

Still got an untrained butler. DJ Butler. So she goes, "Well, I don't expect Randy to know all these things, but last night he put his phone in the oven." So, cut to last night. I smell something burning, Randy. And I know I didn't get to put the blow torch on your hair yet today. So, what is that smell?

I know. I smell something burning. And I'm familiar with the smell of Randy burning. What is that, Randy? And he's like, "Well, um, last night, uh, someone didn't clean the ovens and they put the bottom tray in correctly and I could not see what I was doing, so I turned the light on on my phone and then I got distracted. I'm sorry." And then we turn on the oven to heat up some food and my phone was in the oven. I'm I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry. Show me again how you did that. Now, put your hand in that oven there. And so, where was your hand when you turned the oven click on? Ma'am. Ma'am, the oven's on. I know, Randy. Keep your hand in there.

Ma'am, ma'am. Oh, ma'am. Ma'am, I don't want to do Hansel and Gretle again today. It's too late. The game has started.

Well, it melted and there were toxic fumes all over the house. So, I breathed in deeply and my face hasn't moved since. So, well,

thank God for small favors. Randy left. So, he got distracted. So he put his phone down and he put his phone down in the oven which is a strange choice.

But then like did you not remember that you were cleaning the oven? You still turned on the oven? Like you just didn't you like leave the oven open? Like you got to try didn't you leave the oven open to be like I'm going to come back to this and then like there's so many questions like how like you're using your flashlight on your phone. You're looking in the oven. You're like oh okay I think I see it. Then you put the phone down and you start, you know, messing with the the pilot light or whatever and you're like, "Oh my god, I got it." Okay, the oven's working. Thank god. You close the oven.

You're like, "Okay, let's test this sucker out. Anybody want a grilled cheese?" You turn it on. Boom. You hear Siri like, "Please help. Please, please help."

I'm sorry I didn't get that. I'm sorry I didn't get that. It's a bit hot in here. I'm sorry I didn't get that. Uhhuh. One more time. No.

Well, continue charging when your phone isn't overheating. OVERHEATING. [screaming]

Tell my children I love them. Just kidding. I don't have children cuz I gave my mortal coil for this phone. Goodbye, cruel world. Like, whoa, Siri. So, Randy asks if she's ready for a cocktail. Like, born ready. I'll be right out with it, ma'am. Don't put it in the oven, you [ __ ] loser. Randy, this martini is just your melted cell phone. Oh, I'm so sorry. I got distracted again.

So, hey Whitney. Um, hey honey. What do you think for the guy's dinner? He's like, "So, the pl the the place have dragons on them?" Wow. That would be a good tattoo mother. Well, you know, they say that when you're addicted to something, you're chasing the dragon. And unfortunately, I'm addicted to chasing the dragon that is torturing Randy. Get in here. I got my cattle prod. Randy. Bite your tongue about tattoos. I've always had male dinners. I get a lot more gossip with the guys. I mean, they're just much more fun than the women they bring on here to sexually harass every year. Those ladies are just full of HR complaints. Boring.

Okay, I'm going to let you do the placemat and you decide who goes next to whom. Okay, can you choose who goes where? And so Whitney's like, "Oh, not sure." Well, I just saw I just saw Austin has he. He's a little reticent about seeing Craig these days. So, we see we flashback to Austin and Whitney. And Austin's like, "Do I want to subject myself to Craig's [ __ ] assholeery?" But I am I interested to hear what Craig has to say to me because I just want to almost like prove to myself that Craig does not have an apology in his bones.

Well, maybe this is a good thing because it would kind of force them to come and be together, you know? I mean, gosh, they've just gone so far it'd be such a shame just watch them age alone. I mean, someone needs to support Craig with those eyebrows really showing their their ears. Well, Craig insisted that he's not going to come unless we provide a straw for him to slurp on something. So, I don't know what that really meant, but I'm sure we could provide that. But this will be sort of like a dant, right? Well, if not, we have fabulous food.

So, now we go to Shep going over to his cousin Marcy's house. It's the return of Marcy.

Marcy, Marcy, I'm having a baby. So, um, they say hi and she's and the dog Harper starts barking and or doesn't bark and Mar's like, "Wow, she didn't bark at you like she normally does at everyone else." And, uh,

how weird. She's just sniffing your butt, rolling over dogs. No dogs, she can sense goodness. G. Well, you remember Edie? Edie, this is your cousin. Here you go. And so, this is like her child, it seems. So apparently like Chef has not visited Marcy in like three years, which is like about the last time she was on this show. So basically he's like, "Come on my show." She comes on the show, he hangs out with her, and the moment she's off the show, it's like, "Bye, Marcy. Have fun with your kids in nowhere land." So Chef's like, "HOW'S IT GOING, LITTLE BABY? HOW old are you now?" Wow. Gosh, have you ever heard of a megalodon?

Look at its pretty little freckled lips. So, she's very shy. She's three and a half. Chef, just come on in here. So, chef, listen. I'm married now. I've got babies. Oh, look. There's my husband. He's got another one of the babies. And my husband's like, "Hey, it's me. I got another one of the babies." Wow. Both of you. Look at that. Yeah. Chef, so you know what people with babies like to talk about. When are you going to have a baby? You're nothing unless you're married with a baby. When are you going to do it, Chef? You're useless without a marriage AND A BABY, CHEF. Oh gosh, look. Okay, I would love to be struck by lightning. The proverbial lightning, of course. Not the real lightning. That would be terrible. Gosh. But I'm just not going to pick the next person that walks by and say, "Let's go." We're I'm not going to just find some beautiful woman in the Caribbean and say, "I'm in love with you and I'm going to send you

incessant texts for the rest of your life." No, I won't do that. So, here we are at the unconventional age of 45 trying to still figure things out. And John's like, "Eveie, come with me. Mama's trying to talk. We're not ready for you to hang out with other children yet." See, [snorts] we do this a lot. Divide and conquer. Now, let's get true. Let's get honest about this. You're buying a new house. What is it like? If you build it, then you'll have a family. Is that how you're going to do? Oh my god. People with kids, just stop. Congratulations on having your kids. Seriously. I mean, the world needs to go on somehow. And I'm certainly not going to help it. But shut the [ __ ] up. Just cuz you did it doesn't mean the rest of us have to. I mean, Jesus, every friend with a kid is like, "When is your turn? Aren't you gonna have a kid?" Gays adopt kids all the time. You'd be a great father. You

should do it right now. You're not too old. Do it right now. Do it right now. I have a number. Would you like one of my eggs? Inseminate one of my eggs. I'll put it inside of me and carry it myself. God damn it. You have to have a baby. Are you people that lonely? Get a hobby. Jesus.

It's cuz they need to drag us all into the hell that they're in right now. Yes. It's like drug addicts. Drug addicts aren't just happy doing drugs alone. You know, they all need friends to do the drugs with. You want to do my drugs with me? No. Keep your [ __ ] baby on your side of the fence. I respect your decision, but I'm staying clean. Thank you. You know what? If I went up to someone like Marcy and I was like, you know what you got to do? You've just got to go to brunch. You just have to come to brunch. You know what? Just come to brunch. It's the most fun thing. And she's like, but I've got kids. Like, well, you got to come to brunch. Like, it's just like, when are you going to come to brunch? I know that's a nice story that you've got kids, but it's about time you finally came to brunch. Because that's essentially what they do when they're telling us to have kids. They're saying like, "Stop with the lifestyle that you

have and the needs and the things that you're doing and come do my lifestyle instead." It's like, "No, I want to go to brunch. You can have fun with your kids."

Yeah. It's just there's just something desperate about it, you know? It's like, "No, I don't want kids. What do you mean? Why not? Why? Of course you want kids. Everyone don't want kids. What's the point of living if you don't have kids? I mean, humans are here to reproduce. Oh my god. Humans are also here to eat each other's ice cream, you know? Like, who's gonna enjoy the ice cream? Me. I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm giving enjoyment. Like, who's gonna play my PlayStation? Me. I'm gonna play that. That's what adults are here to do, too.

Okay. Your wild horses. Jeez, so annoying. And he's like, "Well, settling down is not something I aspire to, you know. But I do I am looking for a woman who is willing to settle, but my heroes are all ill-behaved guys. Like Warren Batty was a famous playboy and he got married when he lost his looks and then he had four kids so it can be done. Uh well I mean I'm not a famous playboy unfortunately. Oh gosh. Gosh. But I do hope to someday give an award to La La Land and then rescend it. So then we go to Venita walking down the sidewalk to a bar called Tempest and uh she's going to meet up with meet up with Sally. And then there's this awkward moment where she comes into the into she sits at the bar and she's like tending to her face and the bartender is like, "Wow, yeah, it's really hot out there. I get it."

She's like, "I'm not sweating. I'm just oily. I'm fine. I just This is my skin." So then, um, she orders some champagne and oysters and here comes Sally. And Sally's saying, "It's weird coming and meeting you on these weird circumstances. Just how are you first of all?" like, "Well, it's awkward right now." Like, "Yeah, it's never been awkward between us." Well, look, you start. I'm a great listener, so I'll let you go first. Well, first of all, I'm going to be completely honest with you right now. I don't want to stop hanging out with Craig. And Venita's like, "Okay, well, good luck with that." She gets

She's like, "Well, what's the end goal with that?" "Well, I don't think there needs to be an end goal. I mean, right now I'm just having fun. Why can't I just have fun?" And she goes, "But Sally, Sally would like to be married, right? Sally would like to have kids, right?" Well, I mean, if that's my end goal. Yeah, sure. Of course. But why are you giving him the time of day? Because you are wasting it with him. You are wasting it. Oh, Jesus Christ, Venita. Like, I get that you like hanging out with Sierra and CRA. Sierra and Paige Cridge.

I like that. I get that you like hanging out with Sierra and Paige, but you don't have to do their bidding on every little thing. You're on this show and that's it. like you can't stop people from dating people that you don't like on this show. Stop. This is just such a a non-winning battle for you. And also, she spent um Venita did a interview this week on a podcast on God, why why don't I remember what it was? Anyway, I didn't watch it. I read little clips from it and Sally responded uh to some of the things she was saying by saying, you know, look, Sally JT was horrible to me. JT was so mean to me and so many of the women on that show. and Venita had no problem being with him even though I didn't like him, you know.

And I think that's a pretty good point. Venita's bringing up this, oh, girl code, girl code when she did worse last year with JT because JT was just downright mean to a lot of these people,

which I think is different. Yeah, I I agree. That's a good point by Sally. Also, I just feel like I don't I don't know if I think it's I do think it's actually still shitty of Sally to um actively pursue a friendship in this case with Craig. you know, like she's I guess the the subtle difference is if I'm gonna try to talk this through here, the difference is that like JT and Venita were sort of already had some sort of like friendship or situation before things went arai, but here it's like it's kind of starting with it's it's already bad and Sally is interested in actually grow and actively growing it and pursuing it. So, there's like a subtle difference there. But that being said, ultimately I think that Vonita has made her point. She's like, "I don't like Craig and you're supposed to be my friend and you're supposed to support me because I've told you I really don't like Craig. He was really mean to me."

And Sally's basically been like, "Yeah, that's nice, but I want to hook up with him." And at this point, like, you can't really tell her not to do that. Just move on and just stop hanging out with Sally. Personally, I think Sally's shown you what her like who she is and what she's loyal to or what she's interested in. And it's fine for Sally, but you can just move on and find make new friends. Well, Sally was on the show last year and friends with Craig, and so was Venita. Venita was friends with Craig. So, Sally started stuff with Craig before all of this went down. So, Sally had a pre-existing relationship with Craig,

but Sally's trying to actually be romantic with Craig. Like, she's actually trying to,

right? But she had a pre-existing I'm just saying she had a pre-existing like she already knew Craig. It's not like he's some new guy that she's like, "Oh, now now I'll date Craig." Like, she knew Craig. You know, Venita can't

Right. I still I think Sally's point is is strong. I think it's strong about the JT thing and but I just think at this point I guess I think we're actually kind of just agreeing like Venita

like I mean Venita I'm on your side. I think that Sally I think that Sally is still like it was shitty of Venita to do it to Sally but it also is shitty of Sally to do it to Venita and Venita should just be like okay bye. Go hang out with Molly.

Oh yeah. I mean I can't believe it but I'm team Sally on this one. And I like Venita. just think she's like the storyline wise it's like oh god you're on this show you're on this show like be on this show you're not on Paige's show like it just seems I don't mean I don't mean that she has to get along with Craig and everything but it seems like she's fighting a battle for somebody else who's not even there and it's just weird it's like is that girl even your friend?

I don't know seems weird to me it seems awkward for Venita. [snorts] So, um, Venita's like, "Well, there, you know, there's something to be said about a friend who can see the mistakes before you make them." And she's like, "Well, I want to find out for myself." Well, then, so God help me for saying this out loud, but I'll give you enough rope to hang yourself then. I'm trying to protect you because he will literally hold you and walk you like a dog on a leash until he's done with you, and then he will let that leash go.

Okay. Well, okay. Well, Sally's like, "Well, never in my life have I ever had a grown adult where I tell me what I can and can't do, not even my parents. Who the [ __ ] are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" And first of all, I'm sure there are a lot of people who have said that, but Venita's like, meaning that I'm sure there's been a lot of people that have said, "Sally, you shouldn't do that." So, Venita goes, "Well, don't come crying to me when he [ __ ] hurts you and breaks your heart." So that makes me wonder is like some of the relationship that Sally is constantly like calling Bonita and being like this guy did this to me and now I'm so mad and she just has to listen to it over and over and over again and she's just like I'm sick of it and I don't want to hear about it anymore. Cuz if that is an element of their relationship then I definitely understand why Venita's like please

don't go down this path cuz it's just going to mean I'm going have to sit there on the phone for endless hours when we already know what the outcome's going to be.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. She hasn't said. We don't know. I mean, all we really know is that she, you know, she stuck up for Paige. Craig got mad and then now she's mad at Craig. Now they're mad at they're mad at each other for Paige standing up, which just seems so silly. And Venita tells us, you know, you either pick a man that I will make that you either pick a man that's going to make your life a living hell or you pick me who's going to make your life sunshine and rainbows, heaven or hell. Pick one.

Sally's like toxic male. Thank you very much for that option. You can really clarify. I'm going to pick this toxic mail every single time. Okay. I live in Charleston. I want

I'll let you get back to scrolling on JT's email while I go catch a cat or his Instagram. Scrolling his email. Scrolling his Instagram while I go catch a cat.

Scrolling that email doing a blog. Go on scrolling. She's like hacking. He does hacking.

So Venita is like, I'm trying to protect you for someone who doesn't give two shits about you. She goes, "Let me find out for myself." Which I think is also funny. Like that's a stupid thing to say. let me find out that he doesn't give me t shits. You want me to let your heart get broken? But that's also like Venita like you will see just you do have to let people just make these stupid decisions because you have better things to do with your time than to steward her heart. Yeah. So then we go to uh Molly coming to Whitney's. Okay. So how many how many of the new young cast members is Whitney gonna [ __ ] Just everybody. Again, I request HR to show up at this show. Does Bravo still not have an HR? It is 2026.

How is this still happening? That man has [ __ ] every young person that's come on this show.

It's gross. They need to stop this. This is bad. So, they go into the lair, which is it's literally called the lair. And um he's like, "Hello, beautiful. What a beautiful dress. Welcome in. Please take a seat." And she's like, "Oh, well, happy belated birthday. I bought you a treat." It's a cupcake. Get it? Remember? So, we see a flashback to when he was like, "Don't put a cupcake in your mouth."

So, then um he's like, "It's the gift that just keeps on giving." She's like, "Whatever." You know, I love you. You know, Whitney Whitney and I hooked up 10 years ago and I was like, "Okay, maybe we'll date." And then I realized that's not going to happen. And also, I Why did I lower my standards so so low right now? We're like brother and sister. I mean, she's too good for me. She's like, "Yeah." And I just keep torturing him for the rest of his life about the cupcake ordeal. Yeah, you should. Cuz I was [ __ ] rude. And he's like, "So, uh, what's on your back there? You got a tattoo? What is that?"

Like, "Yeah, I got it in Thailand. It was supposed to be euphonium, but it just turned out to be, um, an elephant. Things got left. That's the worst tattoo I've ever seen seen in my life. This is a bad tattoo. I was bad." She goes, "You're the worst tattoo I've seen in my life." Which I felt like it was a fair comeback. And then um he's like, "No." And he shows his tattoo, which is actually the Jaggermeister logo. So I'm like, "Sir, I think we need to revisit the worst tattoo you've seen in your life commentary. [gasps and laughter]

Elephant wins for the I mean, elephant is definitely better than a [ __ ] Jagger. Grow the [ __ ] up. Oh my god. God."

So he's like, "Yeah, Jerger Meister." She goes, "Yeah, that's pretty bad." So she's like, "Yeah, you know, I've been okay. I've been started singing." And he's like, "You're singing now?" Okay. Yeah. Okay. By the way, uh, one thing we also have to note is that Whitney is wearing a trucker cap that says Arowan veteran. Did you see that? [gasps] So, it looks like a veteran's cap, but it says Arowan. Um, so she's like "Yeah

my butthole cringes. I can't even tell you the amount of cringe. It's like top to bottom and then it like right in my my butthole. It's just like cringe cringe with this guy. I mean, I kind of thought the hat was funny, but not funny enough. But I also felt like if I didn't mention it, I would get like a million messages being like, "Did you see Whitney's hat?" So, I'm acknowledging that I saw the hat. Um, but Whitney, she's saying that she got a full ride college, a full ride to college because of of because she sang in a band and uh I love to see how close they are that they've been friends for 10 years and he had no idea that she even sang when this was like a big part of like Yeah. She goes, "Yeah, uh, you don't even listen to me." And he goes, "Okay, well uh let's hear it. Let's hear it then." So she whips out her phone and plays it and she goes, "Oh my god, it's so bad. I hate it." Okay, listen.

So, you know, he's like a beautiful voice, you know, and uh the producer asks if it's his taste and he's like, "Oh, yeah, but I have horrible taste in music." I mean, you've heard of Reub, right? Okay. And we get an extended montage of Whitney playing guitar. There's actually this one amazing shot where Whitney's like in his bedroom like at home and he's like and then Patricia comes in does like a mom dance like yeah that's good music. Make me a grandchild. Head banging is where it's at. Um, so we get lots of clips of him uh playing and singing and one of them is him singing, "I asked you for a table dance. You came over and put your hand in my pants.

Mother." So Whitney is like my whole life. Mother, that's not a true story, Whitney. I know. I just like to think about you when I sing.

Generally, my style of music does not really uh commensurate with uh people at large. So then he's like, "Oh, wow. Molly, your voice is uh it's amazing. It's beautiful. It sounds like um 2025 version of Jan Arden. I love it." She's like, "Yeah, well, I mean, I don't suck at singing, but it's like it's fine. Like, whatever." It's like, you know, like you've missed so much, by the way. Sally started talking [ __ ] about me and being weird, gross, stupid. Talking [ __ ] about what? She's like, "Because she's bringing up a surgery. I had a laboplasty." So then we see a flashback to this whole thing. Now she goes, "Yeah, you know, like the skin removal on my vagina lips." And he's like, "Oh, I I have no issues with that. I mean, anything to shave the curtains for a nice clean appearance. I mean, I fully embrace." Okay, you know what? End this scene. Just stop this scene. Why would Why is this scene even in here? Are you

trying to make me jump out the window? I'll do it. Oh, so you kind of had like an Audi and made an innie.

Call the police. When you take that cupcake, it's like when you took that cupcake and put the bottom on the top, turn into a sandwich. Is that what you do with your labia?

Okay. So, now we go to Charlie um going to a restaurant for her, you know. Oh my god, you don't have kids yet. What the [ __ ] is wrong with you scene? This one is with her sister or uh and we meet her kids, Annie and Davis.

So, they come up and um you know, they're annoying and Charlie's like, "Wow, I wish you could have a margarita with me, but I guess you can't." She goes, "Um, yeah, I guess I can't either." So, have you talked to Scarlet lately? Okay. Have you talked to any man? Anything going on or we just going to waste our womanhood? Okay. Eggs don't last forever. Okay. Don't put all your eggs in one basket and then leave the basket basket on the porch and just let your eggs rot. You know what we say in the south. Unless that basket is the doctor's office and you're getting inseaminated.

Um, of course, these two have someone named Scarlet in their lives first and foremost. Then Charlie spends 10 to 20 minutes discussing her family which is basically like I've got an older sister and a younger sister and like we have different dads but it's like well I have an older sister and she was with a different dad but then I have a younger sister and she was a different dad and then I was with another dad but then I like the third dad the most and thank god I got a third dad because the second dad I was not that into and my sister and I don't talk to the second dad but the first one was not an issue because she was with a different dad. I'm like you got two sisters it's fine. We don't need to know the whole genealogy here.

So, another baby's on the way and they discuss the baby. The kid wants to name the baby Flower Ball. Um, which is why children are not allowed to hold office. [ __ ] idiots. And then, um, one of the other kids like, I'm having a taco. And Charlie's like, me, too. It's probably

Davis Renee. It has a name. Davis Renee. Davis Renee. Um, so I guess that's the sister. So the the husband takes the kids outside because that's what happens on this show. They're like, "Okay, we've uh Hey, can you get your husband to get the little rug rats out of the way so we can have a real scene? Thank you very much."

The ladies are talking. The ladies are talking and boys do not understand what come out of women's mouths. Okay. Still haven't been able to decode that myth. I'll be outside until you guys can shut up. So asking about prospects and Charlie's like saying that she likes Craig. Uh, but she's like, "But you know, Char Sally likes him, you know." And Davis Renee is like, "But he's single, right?" Okay, you're a woman and it's your right to get If there is a man with semen, that means that there is a uterus that is empty and you better get it in. Okay, I'm not

He's an alcoholic. He's unstable and um, you know, probably going to ruin his life any minute now. Who cares? He's got a penis. You need one of those in your lives. Okay, you're embarrassing this family. Do you know what my daughter renamed me? She called me non- ant ball. She used to call me flower ball. That's why the the new kids called flower ball. But I'm not an ant. And until I'm an ant, she's going to keep on calling that for the rest of my life. And I will not be called non- antball for the rest of my life. Do you hear what I'm saying?

Put that man seaman in your vagina right now. [clears throat] So Charlie tells us that she was her mom's consoler growing up and that that has a lot to do with her wanting to make sure that she was okay. So now she has to make sure all of her friends are okay. So she puts everyone's feelings before her own. And Davis Renee is like, "Well, maybe you can put your feelings my feelings before yours and get amen." Okay. Until somebody else understands what it is like to sleep next to Fred Flintstone every night. I don't want to hear about it. Okay.

[gasps and laughter] I told I told Orcin, "Don't come by this house because I want there to be ants. Lots and lots of ants. Let me be an ant."

Well, you know, the older you get, the quicker Well, not quicker, but you know, you just know what you want, don't you? You know, and I'm just trying to give you the best older sister advice that I can. I just want you to be happy like me. Like me with my daughter who wants to name people flower ball. My son who's picking his nose and my fat hairy husband who's outside sneaking drinks out of the flask he carries around and smoking marijuana. Okay, we are happy and I [clears throat] want you to be happy, too. Like, oh my god, this show is stressing me out.

I know. [gasps] Console me, [ __ ] Console me. I just want to be an ant. So Craig uh now goes to a place that's so Craig he goes to a bar called By the Way.

That's his bar. Oh, is that his bar? Yeah, that's his place. That's his and uh Austin's joint venture, which is weird that they haven't talked about it on the show yet because that's their like we hate each other. Well, here's our our restaurant bar that we opened together.

Well, in that case, my assessment was totally on the money. I was like, that's such a correct name for a bar. And turns out it's his bar,

by the way. By the way, so Craig is like, um, I think we're going to go up to the Snug today. Which I I don't know what that is place to sit. So Whitner joins and uh Craig is like by the way I saw that was actually not me trying to make a joke. I literally just said by the way naturally as like a Craig impersonation. So it really is a well-named bar. He's like I saw you worked out at my gym today. As if it's like he built the gym himself. Winner's like yeah that place doesn't have a fan. It's burning. He's like yeah it's raw. It's like a raw workout. It's like raw. I was cracking up. Winner's like, "Yeah, the way a gym should be. I didn't realize you and Austin go there, you know." Uh, yeah. I go there at night. Austin walks on a treadmill and does cardio. It's not really a cardio gym. Craig's like, "Yeah, it's not even a cardio gym."

Yeah. So then Whitner's like, "Hey, since Yeah, it's like a raw It's a gym for raw." like um the other day I brought in like some cooked chicken and they're like you can't bring that in here. It's a raw gym. I was like but by the way I think I can. And they said no. It's the way it goes.

Well, I've tried to talk to Austin but like he's doing this victim thing and it's like really unhealthy. It's like really an unhealthy perspective to have.

He is the victim. You were the monster and he was the victim. So that means you have to apologize. Do you understand? You spent a whole year crying about how you didn't go to a dinner with Patricia at a restaurant. Okay. And now you're going to complain about being their victim. [clears throat]

But they're going to see each other tomorrow at the guy's dinner. Yeah. But like I had a good therapy session with chat GPT. The

This is what's happening everyone. By the way, I figured out why I snapped on Austin. So I felt so wronged by the fallout from my breakup. And so And so he says, "Awesome, keeping Audrey in a relationship when he knows they're not going to get married isn't fair. And I was on the other side of this with Paige, and I think you got to let the person go live their life, you know." Oh, so suddenly you have perspective on this.

Oh, yeah. And I love that you let Paige go live her life. She dumped you, Craig. Okay. Did chat GPT skip that part? Where are you going? Who goes to chat GP? Stop. Come Craig is also Craig is also by the way pulling the Venita right now saying who he should or should not be like making assessments but also like yeah chat GPD AI is like so complimentary and flattering. It's like that's a great question. I mean it's crazy. It's crazy. So it's insane right now. So to go over to therapy for it like why am I why am I so hurt by Austin's betrayal? It's because you're a great person Craig and of course you'd be upset cuz you have wonderful ideas and you have great perspective and you care only about your friends. That for someone to reject that would mean that they are rejecting you and they are bad people. Like that's what GPT is going to say to you.

Yeah. Exactly. So exact accent. So Whitner's like, "Okay, so you're saying you were triggered?" Yeah. So, okay, just apologize for being triggered, but it doesn't mean he can [ __ ] not show up to your house and not talk to you. Yeah. Why would I go to someone's house who treated me like like the last time he was with this guy in public, he got completely chewed out and dragged. Why would I go to that person's house? That's crazy.

It was insane right now. And the thing is on top of that, Craig is like like why is Austin even spending time with this girl he doesn't want to have any sort of commitment with? But then at the same time, he's like, I can't believe he decided to go hang out with his girlfriend instead of come to my pool party.

Exactly. While in the same scene being like, "Oh god, I want to [ __ ] these other two girls, but I don't want anything to do with them beyond that." Like, okay. Yeah. So, um, he's like, "Well, I'm really like sympathetic with him because like me and him have gone through the same thing." Oh, no. Whitner is saying this. He's saying, "Yeah, you know, we've been through the same thing. Like, cuz I got dumped, too. And emotionally since the breakup, like I'd be a liar if I said I didn't carry anger, but like, you know, I was going to have a family. Like, that's where I was going. That was the plan." So, yeah, I'm still angry. I still want to know what happened in this relationship because the whole I will never forget him saying Yeah. You know, so then I did a bunch of stuff and then she got mad and left. Okay. I need the a bunch of stuff.

Yeah. Cuz he's getting a really good edit. Like right now Whitner is is like the best guy on the show at the moment. But like also because we know very little about him and that's just like working in his favor because we know too much about everyone else.

Greg is like anyway. This is definitely his grace season. But if he comes back next year, oh, they'll let him have it. especially Shep.

They really will. So Craig goes, "Anyway, here's a report about my therapy." Chad GPT was like, "You just have to be patient with yourself." Wow, that's some really deep therapy. It was Chad GPT uh pulling some information from like a calendar at Hallmark store. So he's like, "And I cried, dude. I cried talking to my phone because my phone told me to be patient with myself. And then I waited for myself to stop crying. And I thought, "Wow, look at how I'm waiting for myself to stop crying. I am being patient with myself. It's working. The process is working."

[clears throat] Yeah. You know, like um it was about shelving the book of my three years, you know, cuz that chapter with Paige is closed. And I do feel like moving into this chapter that's passed like, "Oh, like I want to fix my heart and like other parts of my body are now like, bro, [ __ ] your heart." Like what are the rules with like making out? Like, do you have to date right after? Because like, I know you don't, but I don't want to lead anyone on, but I also want to make out with someone. The merged DNA of his chat GPT therapy with his own assessments of life is hilarious. Like, the chapter is closed and the book is on the shelf, but the chapter was actually in a different volume, so I have to take that book and put on the shelf. And then make sure they're in alphabetical order, but make sure also that I don't get horny cuz my brain wants something, my penis wants something else, and my penis

wants to have sex with the book. That's what I'm trying to say. But then if I open my heart, then what is my what page is my foot reading? You know what I mean? Cuz like my foot doesn't hear what my heart saying and my elbow only hears what my foot saying. It's like a real mind [ __ ]

Chat GPT said that I have to turn the page on this, but I thought, wait, she doesn't like when I spin her around, so that's not going to work. What else should I do? So Whitner says, "But that does beg the question, you've got two very young women who spent time in your hot tub. Are either of them a candidate or have you considered it? I mean, why not ask one of them to make out?" And he's like, "Uh, so you've got like no fear to just ask someone out? Like what happens at the end of the day when there's nothing for nothing?"

Dude, after that after what happened? I got a [ __ ] 9,000 lb armor system on me. You can't get to the surface. I got stood up by a girl on Valentine's Day last year and I was like, "Fuck it. I don't even care anymore." Which, you know, now like all the girls are going to flock to and be like, "Wait a second. His walls are up. He's damaged. I can help him."

Oh my god, you got stood up on Valentine's Day. Oh god, let's make a Wait a minute. Austin got kittens. Oh my god, what am I going to do? Well, I don't have any armor. I cried to a [ __ ] robot yesterday. Yeah, I cried. I cried into my phone. My best friend chat GBT. So, now we go to Patricia's house and it's 1 hour before Patricia's gentleman dinner, which means that it's time to prepare. And there's a chef there who's cutting up a carrot nicely.

And cutting up my heart and mincing it. Who is this chef? Where has he been all my life? And where do I find him? What an adorable man. The chef. I loved this chef. Didn't you like this chef? I was like, who is that man? It's a man.

Well, I have to say he cooked the steak perfectly. So, for that alone, I was very impressed. But, you know,

hottie. I thought he was a hottie. So, Patricia comes down and um she's like, "Wait, in the dining room, mother, with all your shiny shiny shiner."

Well, you did the plus one, right? I did the plus one. Okay. So, you put me in the midst of it all here. You know, put me close to the taser so I can have easy access for Randy later.

You know me. He just put me in the middle cuz I don't like to pry. He's like, "God forbid, mother." Yeah, I don't think about the dragon in Eastern lore. I don't think it represents love and friendship. So maybe tonight everyone will resolve their issues and it'll be harmonious and civilized. Bunch of losers. We shall see. So, uh, over at Austin's house, he is eating Chick-fil-A and, uh, Audrey calls and she's like, "What are you doing?" She's like, "He's like watching my cats. They're like playing with my jacket now.

It's insane." You know, look, there's martini. So, he shows off the cats and everything. And he basically is saying he's having a dinner before the dinner. He's like, because every year he never gets to eat because someone yells at him and he loses his appetite. That's pretty funny. He's eating before he goes. [clears throat] And she's like, "Okay, so does that mean Craig's going to be there? Cuz I just don't like the way he's treating you and talking to you because at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. That's all you can say for the life of the poor. And he doesn't know one single thing about our relationship. All he knows is that my eyebrows are funny."

And you can't comment on that. And that's what pisses me off the most cuz y'all take one step forward and then it's 10 steps back every single time. Why does it have to be like that? Why do Hold on. Let me pluck my eyebrows again. They're growing in. They're growing in. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Are they gone? Are they gone? Okay, you can answer now.

I'm afraid to. Normally, I love the guy's dinner, but like now I've got to deal with his halfway fake [ __ ] friend Craig, who I don't even want to know how to deal with right now, and I don't want to deal with him at all. Okay. She's like, "Well, you guys have obviously got like a lot to work to work stuff to work on." But like, just don't be like so forgiving to the point where tomorrow everything is perfectly fine. You forget like the things he was saying. So, like I guess what I'm trying to say is TLDDR, please don't forgive him. And if you're going to forgive him, don't like let him off the hook by saying something like like I don't know like I care about you or some easy fil [ __ ] like that. Right. Got it. I'm gonna sit him down and say, "Craig, no matter what, I care about you. I can't help but I care about you. I take you back. I love you, Craig." She's like, "My eyebrows just grew back in." Okay,

so now we go over to Patricia's and she's like, "I'll sit in a little chair you always complain about cuz it's not a manly man chair. you with your manly tattoos and your airwan hat. I get it. [clears throat] So, there's like incessant knocking at the door and you know Whitney and Patricia are both like, "Randy, is he here? Someone check the oven." The butler doesn't hear the door. He might be trapped in there. Can someone get him? I don't know which one we go to first, the front door or the oven door.

Randy might still be stuck to the giant piece of rat catching paper that I put on his bed sheets.

Someone unpeel Randy so he can get in the door. He comes out. He's like, "Oh, I got it. I got it, ma'am. Got it, ma'am." So, uh, Chef comes in. He's like, "Hey, Randolph." He's like, "Oh, sorry. I didn't get to open the door for you. Could you just please tell Could you please tell ma'am that uh that I I did open the door, otherwise I'm going to get five lashings tonight." He's like, "Yes, no problem. Well, you know, I've been here enough times to let myself in." Oh gosh. So, uh, you know, hell's and hell's and all that. And Jack, uh, Whitney's like, "The the jacket's great. The shirt's terrible but I still love you, bro. You already got stain.

That's rain. It's raining outside. Life is good. Thanks for having me. It's a rain stain. Stop looking at my rain stain." So, they all sit down and then Whitner shows up and this is his first time meeting Miss Patricia. So, he says hello to her and everything. And um there and he just like sits down and there's some small talk about where he's going to sit and he gets a drink and he thanks them and everything and um then Craig arrives and he's like could I have a beer please? But what was so interesting is that Patricia was like very warm to him cuz all the whole thing last season was Craig was never around and so she's like I'm not even going to have my birthday with I'm not inviting him because he's never around and he just forgets about us. But now she was like she's like hey darling. So, I guess they I guess they settled their beef, huh?

Well, he got rid of the the thing that was really bothering her, the woman. You're right.

You're right. Now he's all back to the Southern Charm cast. His his dreams of happiness are dashed so we can be friends again. So, he's like, "Wow, thank you for having me." Look at Craig. He brought a hostess gift. Wow. So, um, then we go to now Whitney is now Whitney says hi to Craig and he's like, "Wow, someone's making an effort." Chef looks like he took his shirt out of the dryer and threw it on. Hey, Gershch. Do you guys see my forehead? I was moving and some metal glass fell out of the top of my shelf and hit me between the eyes and now I've got this mark between my eyes. Gosh. And she's like, "Okay, that was an uninteresting story. Next time, just come up with something funny. Like, I don't know, you fell into an electric fence. Like the time I pushed Randy into an electric fence. God, so fun.

It's funny how the cows can figure out how to get past that thing, but Randy can't.

So, Shep is going to Cuba tomorrow, and then there's another uh knock. Chef loves Cuba. He's always in Cuba. He really loves some communism. That guy,

he's all about it. Hey, loves a cigar and a mojito. So, um, now we meet Steven, who's Whitney's friend, and Steven is hilarious because he's kind of like a huge [ __ ] but like he's kind of mocking these guys like the entire time he's [ __ ] [ __ ] It's like he's amazing. Yeah.

Where did they get this guy? And why is he not a main cast member? This guy's [ __ ] amazing.

He's from like a patrician class that's above all these other people. And so he's just like, "Oh, look at them. Look at them stupid. Look at the stupid face saying things right now. Are you serious? That's hilarious. Stupid.

I've heard so many wonderful things about you. He's like, "Oh, and I have heard the same about you. Now, thank you. This is for you, L Grandam." And he presents her L grandam.

Why? He definitely has some dandy energy, but I just don't know if that's just because he's British. But, um, Chap is like, "Well, Dr. Steven's background is fascinating and I'm probably going to get it a little bit wrong, but his father was a British man who went to Nigeria to be in the physician for the ruling party at the time. And then he ended up marrying and having children with the daughter of the ruling class people down there and then he moved to London and now he's a doctor. WOW. JUST LIKE HIS DAD. I WAS LIKE, great story, chef. Thanks.

Yeah, good one. One day I'll have a baby. So, um, Lrand Dom Champagne typically costs between $2 and $300 for a standard bottle and, um, it can go for 300 and older rare vintages are around $1,000. So,

how many W does it have? Like Rond Domain. So, um, now Stephen sits down in an armchair and he's like, "Oh, I've got a plush seat as well. Hurrah for me. E,

be careful. It's an antique. Oh, right. An antique in America where things are 13 years old and they're considered an antique. That's adorable. It's adorable.

Everything in this house is an antique. Stephen, to indoctrinate you with the guy's dinners, usually um something disastrous happens. As you can see, Craig, well, he was born and um there's been chairs being broken, red wine spilled on a white sofa. Craig. And it is actually, every time they do do this montage, which is now like an annual thing, it is pretty hilarious cuz first we see like Craig breaking that chair. Oh my god, Craig, you broke the chair. And then we see Craig spilling the wand. Craig, Craig. And then we see I forgot about Whitney falling over last year. It's a good montage.

Well, I'm hoping that having all you elegant gentlemen here, um, we can all be civilized. E, so, but I'm sorry. We're supposed to be civilized, but they're Americans. I don't think that's possible.

Um, so now they're talking about Austin. How's this going to go? And Craig goes, "My relationship with Austin depends on his current issues with himself cuz everything is everyone is everything is everyone else's fault in his life." Craig, it was literally your fault. Like for him to skip my pool party was so insane.

So poor Austin. Let me look up some more information about that. It's like Craig, you don't have to read every single thing from Chad GPT.

Right. So Austin's coming down the sidewalk to come into this house and poor Austin just looks like a mess. his jackets all not fold like the what do you call this part of the jacket the breast did you notice it was like folded out and he poor guy he just comes in looking like a mess. Yeah. So he comes in and he also the the funny thing is like everyone has a gift except for Chef or Miss Patricia and so Chef just keeps getting shown up by everyone with these these bottles of wine. So Austin comes in. He's like, "Well, don't you look handsome?" He's like, "Thanks. I brought you a bottle of wine." Well, first of all, I'd like you to acknowledge my sarcasm with my first point there. And thank you for the bottle.

It's so interesting how you're wearing a dinner jacket both inside out and right side out at the same time. Wow. Uh so now Chef Ben comes out with a tray of pork and ginger dumplings and peach poison. And Craig's like, "Wow." Yeah, he's the best chef I've ever met. And uh chef's like, "Wow, peach poison. Hope this is as good as the peach ho I make at home. I hope I don't get any peach hoison right between my eyes before I go to Cuba tomorrow." Gosh. Winner's like, "Please don't drip hoison in my drink. Thank you very much." So Randy is like, "Well, everyone, uh, the chef is ready when you are. Please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. He comes up right behind Pat and she's like, "What?" And he goes, "I'm on this side of you, ma'am." She's like, "Oh, Jesus, Randy. God." He does. Pats are on the left, but he's actually on the right. Dinner is served. So, uh, they go to the table and find their seats and Patricia's like, "Guess the theme." Winter says, "Uh, Asian." Very good. Other otherwise known as horrible tattoos that Whitney didn't get. These were just prospects. Um, I'm going to guess the the theme. I need a little bit more to go on. Can you share what I'm guessing the theme of?

For example, a list of word or images, a party or event, a song playlist, a puzzle or a riddle, a class project. Craig, you you don't have to do everything from chat GPT. Sorry. At this point, I think an exorcism needs to take place between Austin and Craig with a priest AND SPINNING HEADS AND BARFING. So then Austin's like showing the cats to Patricia. This is he's now getting to reap the rewards of pulling this move of getting cats, which is that he gets to show pictures of them off to everyone and endear himself and make himself seem soft and nice. So, Patricia's like, "Oh, I just love cats. They are so cute. I love cats for other people. That's why I have none of them in this household. Get them away from me. I've seen enough."

And he tells him that they're named Piper. He tells her that they're named Piper Martini, but doesn't ask for a Piper. No. Which

she's supposedly who that's based on, right? So, I'm surprised they missed that. Come on, man.

Yeah. So, then, um, Chef Ben comes out, Ronnie gets a boner, and some more food.

So, Austin, are we going to have some wedding bells anytime soon? That was a joke for the audience because of course not. Haha. Um, well, I did like I do like having you here. Listen, single with somebody. However it is, one thing is guaranteed. Austin's going to eat with his mouth wide open. So, everyone put the plastic bags over your head. Trust me, it'll be worth it in the end. So, Austin's like when she when Patricia asks if he's getting married, he's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." And then Stephen goes, "I mean, I've heard of many nos in my lifetime, but that was a really nice extended one. That was the biggest no I've ever heard. Not even full American.

That was a big N. Am I wrong, everyone? Oh my god. I'm trying to be honest. You all right? All right. Well, what is it with you guys? I just don't understand it. Yeah. And so, uh, next comes some beef. It's like a beef and broccoli play. And, um, Chef Ben offers to give Austin a stick knife. And he's like, "If I didn't if you need that knife, I didn't do my job." And I Well, there you go. That answer the question. No, take that from me. That's insane. Wow. I've never had rice like this before. So good. Delicious. Gosh.

Thank god. They need more more white men running Chinese restaurants. We need someone figured out how to fix it. Um, so then Wner's saying how he um they ask Whitner like who he thinks is hottest and or who he likes the most. And Whitner says Charlie. He goes, "But I got a polite, slightly awkward no." So we see a flashback. Um, and Whitner is in the kitchen and he asks Charlie if she wants to um go get a drink next week and Charlie's like, "Um, maybe like a small group situation." I'm like, "Oh, Charlie."

I mean, Wner's got to be better than Craig, right? Why think Wner at least a chance?

Whitner seems like a really good catch. And she But she's going for Craig. I mean, Craig is like the star, right? Like he's hot and he's got this successful company and he's famous, but like he's also dumb as bricks and it's not going to end well.

Yeah. Well, at least you took a swing, right, man? Well, speaking of taking swings, bring Randy in here. I want to have a little pinñata action. I fed him some butterscotch candies just to make this more fun. Um, by the way, I had a long chat with Madison and she was saying uh you Oh, right. that restaurant. So, has the

has the uh has the health department just gone out of commission or what? How did that happen? Anyway,

Craig, just so you know, anytime we say by the way, you don't have to say by the way. Also, by the way,

we're trying to stick with edible things here, Craig. Now, I spoke with Madison and she was saying that you've been Mr. Hot Tub with girls every night. Is that true?

And we see uh Madison is saying that he's got a love triangle with a whole bunch of beta girls. You know, Sally, Sally, and Sally, and the other one, Charlie. It's crazy.

Miss Patricia's like, "Interesting." Well, it's been fun for me. I'm just, you know, there the storyteller hosting people telling stories in my hot tub.

If only I could upload one of their consciences to their to my Alexa and make them my therapist. God, I want a robot Charlie therapist.

Well, what do you do when it gets really hot and steamy there in the hot tub? And he's like, uh, jump in the pool. Like, it's like a fun circuit. Like some people would make fun because like no one's kissed yet.

Oh, get out of here, you [ __ ] liar. I don't believe you. Sh is like that's the most PG hot tub ever. Stephen's like, "Okay, just indulge me on this, but out of everyone, Craig, you strike me as the person most likely to be in a serious relationship right now, right?" And Craig makes a face like sad. I'm dying inside.

Did I just [ __ ] up? Sorry. I'm so sorry. It just looks like it. You're the one. It looks like you're right there at the end about to fall in love right before his milk's expiration date hits and you're ugly forever.

Oh, sorry. Oh, God. You know when you see an American, you know, when you see an American running to a McDonald's and they get there and it says closed for the night and they just cry and cry and cry, that's your face right now. It was the last day the milk is sold. I mean, God bless Paul Shep over here is already sitting cheese. Look at him just sitting spitting cheese. But you you had a chance. So, how's that going for you? It's like, oh,

well, I was in a three-year relationship and I bought a ring and I thought we were going to get married because said we're going to get married one day and she just looked in the other direction. I took that to be a I agree. Yes. We were in the pool one time and I said, "Yeah, we should get married." And then she called an Uber and I was like, "Nailed it." She left. But I wish we could go back. I can't lie to you and not say I wouldn't take her back. And they're like, "Oh gosh, what? Crazy gar."

She left you. She left you. Okay. You're not the one who takes somebody back. Okay. She ran like hell. So Shep's like, "WOW, I'M SO SURPRISED." He said he would get back with her. You're surprised talking about Craig's like, "Well, it takes a while for your heart to catch up to your brain and it takes a while for your brain to catch up to well everything, I guess." I don't know where that sentence was going. And Whitney's like, "Oh yeah, [ __ ] that girl. She's too old anyway. Is she still is she in her 30s now? Get rid of her. Unless unless she has a logo of some sort of alcoholic brand on her on her arm, I don't care about her. Hold her.

So, um so Miss Patricia's like, "Well, you were very good at being single, Craig. Just as how Ry's very good at destroying his phones and kitchen appliances.

Just like Ry's good at being the single worst butler I've ever had in my entire life.

So Ben is out. He comes back out. Sweet rice cake with a bit of caramelized mango with some sesame candy just sprinkled over the top there. Boys,

this is incredible. It's the best one yet. You know, there isn't one right answer. Consider what aligns best with your priorities. Craig, stop reading your therapy right now during dessert. Sorry, Whitney. Patricia, thank you very much. As always, another successful guy's dinner. This is amazing. WE CAN ALL RAISE THE TOAST TO THAT, RIGHT?

YEP. And so they raise their glasses to toast and they go, "Cheers, cheers, cheers." And then Steven almost knocks his chair over. They're like, "There it is." Oh gosh. The broken chair of the year. Broke another chair. Luckily, I'm one of the few. I could afford it. That was an amazing response. He's like, "You cannot shame me. When we break chairs, we do it for fun." I could buy and sell every chair in this house. Um, y'all need to get new chairs over there. It's time. Just It's okay that you know this wasn't Revolutionary War era. I like this. Like, okay, I'm having fun. You all have a good time in front of this mural of the Revolutionary War where you're having dessert.

I know. I just loved how unbothered Steven was about this chair. He's like, you know, in Britain we have chairs from 1700s at the Target. This is nothing.

What is this? Five pounds. So she's like, I've had enough. I'm going upstairs. Yeah. So she goes and Austin's like, "Oh, hey, Craig. Maybe you and I should talk." Yes. Let's go outside and talk. So they go out and um let's see. So uh here's her big talk. So Austin's like, "Well, I can't lie." And say that like sitting inside tonight like laughing wasn't really nice, you know? And [snorts] I'm like that that hasn't been my settlement for the past week. And this gone from obviously anger at Wit's house, you know, show the clip of that.

Okay. I just felt so utterly betrayed, Craig. Utterly betrayed. I was like, what am I even doing here?

Well, of course, that was a singular out of anger action, but you triggered the [ __ ] out of me and then I hit you back. So, none of it was Craig's fault.

No, he was triggered. He was triggered, guys. Someone did this to him. He's like, "Well, I don't know when you're going to laugh and when you're going to do that. Like, I don't know when you're going to go nuclear. Like, but you hurt me before, too. It doesn't make it right. Craig, the gentle the gentle husk that is Craig, be careful with him. He's fragile, guys. Dude, I don't want to feel like I'm playing chess with my friends. It's mostly because I don't know how to play chess.

It's a hard game. It's very hard game. There is no game of chess. We don't I I don't even know what that is. I was like, well, I don't want to be the one. It's like, but you're not. And I I do want to apologize if you're open to it cuz I was pissed at you and that you [ __ ] jerked at me. And then we see them like more flashback of them fighting again. And he's like, "Cuz you know I like feeling safe around people." And when you said that, which is funny because Austin's whole thing is like, "I don't feel safe around you because I never know if you're going to laugh or you're going to scream at But now Craig is like, I like being safe around people. And when you said that, it was just triggering all like my lifelong [ __ ] of having friends turn their back on me and I'm like working on it. I went last night, I went right to my therapist, right to my [ __ ] therapist after our fight. And my therapist was

like, there's no internet connection. And I was like, I get it. And she's like, no, I I don't know what you're saying. Give me a moment. And I was like, I get it. And I'm just like bummed. I'm bummed.

I went to my [ __ ] therapist to talk about it. I was so upset. And then she started playing all about that bass again.

She said, "If it were easy, you wouldn't be asking. Give yourself some grace." And then she said, "I think it really comes down to what feels right for you in the long run." And then she said, "Whatever you choose, make sure it's something you can stand by." Craig, you're just reading generic lines off of Chat TPT. But I'm [clears throat] bummed that you missed the party, you know? Like I'm bummed that it had such a fallout even though I never called and apologized to you or tried to work it out or actually get you to my party. So I don't know what the path forward is, but I would feel fine. And you know, like just like let's give each other grace cuz like mine wasn't malicious. It's like h seemed pretty malicious, Greg. It was pretty malicious.

When I when I yelled at you in front of everyone and like belittled your relationship, it wasn't malicious. Well, that's a decision you're going to have to make. I mean, I can't convince you of that. We either accept each other for who we are and move forward and I continue to give you space, but I I miss hanging out with you. Well, all right. Well, I heard you and you heard me and I cannot help but [ __ ] care about you, Craig. You know, Audreyy's somewhere being like, "Oh, gez." Audrey's like, "Can I ever win? Can I ever [ __ ] win?"

So Austin doesn't know what's next for them, but you know, uh, when you have your expectations low, you set low, you can't be disappointed. That's where he is with Greg. I hope we can still be friends. [snorts] By the way, by the way, how cute. So saga continues. Thanks everyone for being here. Uh, fun episode. We are back with the Valley and Beverly Hills and Traders for a very busy Friday. Don't forget to get your tickets for the Golden Krappies and we will catch you on the next episode. Bye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)"?

Ben Mandeler (Host), Ronnie Karum (Host), Randy (Guest), Patricia (Guest), Austin (Guest), Craig (Guest), Whitney (Guest), Sally (Guest).

What is "Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)" about?

In this episode of Southern Charm, the discussion centers on the latest developments within the series and the excitement surrounding the upcoming Golden Krappies awards event in Los Angeles, highlighting ticket sales, special guests, and community engagement opportunities for fans. Additionally, updates are shared about new ad-free content available on Patreon, enhancing the viewer experience…

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

7 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including By the Way, Chad GBT, Big Ben, Golden Krappies, Ben Mandeler, Ronnie Karum. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Southern Charm S11E06: Phoning It In (the oven)"?

The episode runs 1 h 12 min; the transcript is about 13,864 words in 176 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.