Transcript

The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

From YMH Studios · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 2 min · 13,456 words · 308 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave", an episode of YMH Studios published January 12, 2026 (1 h 2 min, about 13,456 words). It mentions 17 people, works and ideas, including Michael Bert, James Leanne, Mjaro, Two Bears 5K, Jelly Roll.

What this episode is about

The conversation centers around the humorous and candid experiences of individuals exploring virtual reality (VR) and its impact on personal relationships and experiences, including a notable first threesome facilitated by VR. The discussion touches on the immersive nature of VR, the potential for addiction, and the comedic complications that arise when engaging with technology in private settings.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: James Leanne, Brink, Mojave Desert
  2. – 20:00: James Leanne, DraftKings, Michael Bert, Free Bert
  3. – 30:00: Better Help
  4. – 40:00: Cat Williams, James Leanne, Shannon Sharp, Kevin Hart
  5. – 50:00: Mjaro, Jelly Roll, Michael Bert, James Leanne
  6. – 1:00:00: Two Bears 5K, Free Bert, James Leanne, Mjaro
  7. – 1:01:49: Free Bert, James Leanne, Two Bears 5K, Teacher

Notable quotes from "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"

  • Get this thing. It's called Brink and you can travel the world and I'm like oh cool. But then I'm sitting at the Corona Arch in the Mojave Desert. I'm going I should have someone sucking my dick while I'm here.
    about Brink · at
  • This like I'm not trying to be like deep, but I really at the end of that week I understood those dudes who leave negative comments cuz I was Yeah, I get it. I get it. You…
    about Michael Bert · at
  • I was talking to Shannon Sharp the other day.
    about Shannon Sharp · at
  • Interesting take. It's But then the [ __ ] irresponsible part of me is I one time I heard a drunk agent say the only reason Kevin Hart got fool's gold is cuz Kat Williams packed a gun in his luggage to go to the trip.
    about Cat Williams · at
  • Don't, Okay., I, said, to, Lean,, How, many watches does a man need? That's how it started. I didn't want to I didn't want to say that cuz I know watches is a and, I, did, it, for, and, and, for.
    about James Leanne · at
  • We, should, do, a, Mjaro, journey.
    about Mjaro · at
  • Mention that the details are coming soon, but we are the 5K is back for Two, Bears, 5K 2026 and, and, Jelly, Roll, will, be, there.
    about Two Bears 5K · at
  • My, special, teacher, is, streaming right now on Netflix. Please watch it.
    about Teacher · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Michael Bert — Person · Co-host / primary storyteller · 2 mentions · first at
    Bert drives most narratives: Oculus binge, loneliness and online behavior, Netflix promotions, consumption/excess, GLP-1/Mounjaro weight loss, and 5K competition.
  • James Leanne — Person · Referenced spouse / grounding figure · 11 mentions · first at
    Leanne’s trip enables Bert’s Oculus binge; her reactions frame the contrast between VR and real intimacy and later she’s used as a sounding board for the 'how many items do you need' game.
  • Jelly Roll — Person · Referenced participant / motivator · 3 mentions · first at
    Jelly Roll is announced as attending the Two Bears 5K and becomes a competitive benchmark motivating training and weight-loss talk.
    Two, Bears, 5K 2026 and, and, Jelly, Roll, will, be, there.
  • Shannon Sharp — Person · Referenced interviewer / podcast host · 2 mentions · first at
    Bert describes appearing on Shannon Sharpe’s show to promote his project and recounts a discussion about money, happiness, and consumption.
  • Kevin Hart — Person · Referenced celebrity / controversy point · 2 mentions · first at
    Kevin Hart is discussed in relation to a claim Bert made on Shannon Sharpe’s show about 'luck' and a Cat Williams anecdote, prompting concern about backlash.
    I, know., He, just, looks, at, me., Shannon Sharp goes, you said Kevin Hart needs to talk about all the luck in his life. Like Cat Williams packed a gun in his suitcase and that's the only reason he got with that movie.
  • Cat Williams — Person · Referenced comedian (anecdote source) · 3 mentions · first at
    Cat Williams is referenced in a rumor about a gun in luggage affecting casting, used to illustrate 'luck' narratives in comedy careers.
  • Jim Jeffries — Person · Referenced comedian (career-luck example) · 1 mention · first at
    Jim Jefferies is cited as an example of a viral incident (punched at the Comedy Store) catalyzing attention via early internet sharing.
    I, go,, Jim, Jeff, got, punched, in, the, head at the comedy store. Yeah. He happened to have a manager, Brett Vincent, who knew how to it worked the internet. So he took the clip off the security cam.
  • Tom Sura — Person · Referenced self (misspoken name for Tom Segura) · 1 mention · first at
    Bert refers to Tommy as 'Tom Sura' while describing Netflix-era recommendation dynamics ('If you like Bill Burr...').
    Robbed us. that helped me. That's the spark. And I go, Tommy, it was Tommy got on Netflix the same time Bill Burr was on Netflix. It's the only two comics. Bill Burr is huge. I…

Products & tech

  • Brink — Product · Referenced VR app · 1 mention · first at
    Brink is cited as an Oculus experience for virtual travel, used as a comedic contrast with Bert’s porn use and as an example of VR immersion.

Concepts & topics

  • Mjaro — Concept · Core personal health intervention · 3 mentions · first at
    Bert credits 'Mjaro' (intended Mounjaro) for a 30-lb weight loss, describes side effects, and frames it as a jumpstart for lifestyle change and 5K competitiveness.

Places & events

  • Two Bears 5K — Event · Upcoming event / recurring challenge · 4 mentions · first at
    They announce the Two Bears 5K returning in 2026; it frames training, competition with Jelly Roll, and motivation.
  • Mojave Desert — Place · Referenced virtual location · 1 mention · first at
    The Mojave Desert is mentioned as a Brink/Oculus virtual travel scene (Corona Arch) used for comedic juxtaposition with VR porn.
    Do, you, have, Do, you, do, the, dual, screen where like you see the desert and then the blowjob's over here Tommy?

Sponsors

  • Free Bert — Media · Promoted series / career milestone · 3 mentions · first at
    Bert promotes 'Free Bert' (Netflix series), references its trailer comments, and mentions an Achilles issue that began while shooting it.
    Comments. And I was like What? And she screen grabbed and it was, you know it's the trailer to Free Bert.
  • Teacher — Media · Promoted comedy special · 2 mentions · first at
    Tommy’s Netflix special 'Teacher' is promoted and is part of the DC press trip context with Netflix.
  • Better Help — Company · Sponsor (ad read) · 3 mentions · first at
    BetterHelp is advertised as an online therapy platform; the ad ties into themes of patterns, self-awareness, and mental health.
    Any time. With over 30,000 therapists BetterHel is the world's with over 30,000 therapists. BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Having served…
  • DraftKings — Company · Sponsor (ad read) · 2 mentions · first at
    DraftKings appears in a mid-episode ad read promoting NFL playoff betting and early-exit protection.
    Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code bears. That's code bears B E A R S to turn five bucks into 300 in bonus bets if your bet wins. In partnership with DraftKings Casino, the.
  • Ethos — Company · Sponsor (ad read) · 1 mention · first at
    Ethos is promoted as an online life insurance platform; Bert uses it to segue into mortality and providing for family.
    To make sure their life continues. If you feel like I do, you need to get life insurance. Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to help…

Full transcript with timestamps

100%. Cheers. New, episode, of, Two, Bears, 1K., Tommy,, I had my first threesome.

One, cave. One, cave., What, did, I, say? 1K. God,, damn, it., ThreeKs., The, uh I had my first threesome.

Nice. Yes. Where, was, it? Uh, in, my, bedroom. What's, his, What, are, their, names?

I, didn't, I, didn't, get, their, names., It was on Oculus. Oh,, [ __ ], yeah. Yes., Let, me, think., Oh,, well,, I, mean,

yeah, it's, hard, to, go, back, to, one, person. I, know,, dude. I, I, I, didn't, do, enough, of, a, deep, dive.

My, son, got, a, VR, headset, and, I, was, like, "Let me show you the best site, which is awesome."

Dude, this this takes a part of your soul. It's, crazy. It's, in, It's, It It's, this, [ __ ], too,, right?, When, you're like,

"Dude,, I, was, in, a, Fisome.", So,, Leanne went out of town. Mhm. And, so,, and, I've, I've, never, been, able, to use the Oculus. I'm afraid someone's going to walk into me like a blind person jacking off just in the room and someone's like he gets done and everyone just claps.

Mhm. And, so, Lean, goes, out, of, town, for, two days. So I run over the bus, I grab the Oculus, I I race home. I mean I'm I'm like charging them in the car.

Yeah., [ __ ], throw, them, on. Yeah. One, girl,, just, me, and, this, chick. Yeah.

And, I, was, quick., I'm, not, I, was, I, was, It was It was good. Uhhuh. And, then, I, was, like,, I'm, going to, I'm going to probably [ __ ] her again tonight.

Yeah., Yeah., Yeah. And, so, I, I, get, later, that, night., I'm like in bed and I'm like might as well. No, no, no. I started watching it was I think it was Saturday and there was some football going on Sunday and it's raining. It's beautiful. And then I go I should explore these Oculus. So I go and get this thing. It's called Brink and you can travel the world and I'm like oh cool. But then I'm sitting at the Corona Arch in in in the Mojave Desert. I'm going I should have someone sucking my dick while I'm here.

Yeah,, for, sure. Like, what, am, I, Why, isn't, someone, sucking my dick? If it's there, I want my dick sucked.

Do, you, have, Do, you, do, the, dual, screen where like you see the desert and then the blowjob's over here

Tommy? Yeah. I, was, I, This, is, how, bad, I, got., I, got, the screen where you can see reality. I can see the screen. I'm watching football and there's a chick [ __ ] another chick in the corner of my house on the dog bed and I'm just sitting here going "This is [ __ ]

I, know, that, this, is, the, end, of, humanity. It is the end of humanity. We're, definitely, about, to, just, It's, all about to end." Um I And so then and then the [ __ ] the devil's tongue was I get my first it was a tusome

and, you, and, another, person. No, threesome., Threesome., Okay., Oh,, I, got to seven people.

Wow. I, got, to, I, was, a, DJ., It, was, an, Airbnb and they didn't want to lose their deposit and they were like we have an extra day. You should hang out with us.

Yeah., Yeah., Yeah. Oh, my, good, dude., It, got those girls should be getting stuck in the company because they're giving away a part of their soul forever.

Yeah. They're, they, are, different, than, porn stars. They're losing their humanity. They

This, is, really, going, to, help, them. This, No,, I'm, being, serious., If, you, are, a VR girl, there I have some tips. There's one girl.

Yeah. She, gets, on, top, of, me., She's, got [clears throat], her, two, friends, are working my nipples.

That's, nice. Right., She's, on, top, of, me., A, friend's making out with her. Another girl's playing with her tits. And she she's got red hair. And she looks at me and she goes, "Look me in the eyes when you [ __ ] me." And I look up and I'm staring in her eyes, Tom. And I'm and I and I said out loud, "Is this real?"

Yeah. So,, I, had, like, I, had, like, [ __ ], about nine org. I was texting you the whole time. I just got done an orgy.

Yeah. This, is, crazy., I, mean,, by, the, last, day, Leanne's got a flight home and I know I'm not going to race to get one more org.

You, got, to, get, one, more, in. Dude,, I'm, in, my, room, murdered, out, blacked out curtains. It's And they're whispering in your ear. This last one I get.

Yeah, it's, a, fivesome., Oh,, no., It's, a, three foursome. I'm a mental patient who's lost his memory and they're trying to jog my memory back.

Oh,, that, always, helps, when, you, get, your dick sucked. Yeah. Yeah, dude., I, the, last, the, la, I, haven't, done it in over a year and a half. The LA I had it in the VR headset in my office and the last time I did it I I I came as I walked into my desk and it hurts so bad that it traumatized me. I haven't I haven't used it again. this one girl, this one girl said to me, she goes, "I'm I'm this I'm [ __ ] this one chick and this other chick's uh playing whispering in my ear." And then I hear this girl go, "Look at me." And I look at me. She goes, "Look at me, little pervert." And I was like, and I came right away. I was like, "God, I'm a pervert." Oh, God.

Nice. And, then, uh, and, then, Leanne, came., Leanne came home. She got the PR. Great to see you.

Yes., So, good, to, see, you., Can't, wait, to, go, back, to, you., Hey,, let's do it in the dark. I was just gonna put my my uh sleep apnea mask on.

Yeah., Yeah. And, I, had, to, tell, her, I, had, to, tell, her. I go, "Just so you know, I've been like nine orgies this weekend."

Yeah. She, was, like, "What?", I, go,, "Ocgles." She goes, "Why would you even do that?" And I was like "No, I don't know. The best.

It's, the, be., They, do, this, one., They, do this one move. This is just for us Oculus insiders

where, where, they, make, you, eat, their, uh, I [ __ ] I don't know how to say it. I know. There's everyone says unal alived now. So I don't know what to say to get flagged.

Yeah., They, make, you, do, it. They, get, it, right, here, where, you're almost going like this and it's right in your [ __ ]

and, it's, like, 8K., You, could, be, like, you got you got to see a dermatologist. This is not

I, was, like, where's, Leanne's, labia, been? And then I did research. Do you know that women in menopause lose their labia?

What?, Really? I, [ __ ], found, that, out., They How, do, they, lose, it? And, it, falls, off., I, guess

just, kind, of, drops they, put, under, a, pillow, and, then, they get a wish. That's, pretty, cool.

No,, it's, and, so, but, these, young, girls have crazy [ __ ] labias like and I'm just like well that's a lot of labia man. I'm 53. I need something a little more discreet.

Mhm. Th, it, was, but, I, kept, thinking, so, this, is my thought. You know, I've never understood, and I I don't mean this uh to attack anyone or anything, but I've never never understood guys who leave shitty comments on like women's accounts that like, you're a [ __ ] You you hope hope your hope your dad's proud, [ __ ] [ __ ], Wear a, bra, next, time, you skateboard.

And, you're, like, what's, going, on? I, never, understood, that, guy., And, then he's got a family.

He's, got, a, family. And, then, his, bio, is, like, Christ, first believer. Yeah., Like, Yeah., I, love, the, girls, that, I love when women post the guy, the picture of the guy and his hateful comment.

Yeah. Um, I, never, understood, those, guys., I never I never leave negative comments. I do leave comments, but they're always funny. I I know I I left one on um Anthony Jesselix the other day and I know I'm I didn't even look at cuz I know, I'm, going to, get, trashed.

Anthony, Jesselik,, it's, like, all, the smart comics are doing book clubs. That's like the big thing these days.

Really? Oh, yeah., Yeah. But, there's, a, bunch, doing, it. Two., Oh,, John, Melany, and, Anthony, Jesselnik.

Yeah. And, so, they, do, and, Melany like 600 page books and you're like okay. Yeah., He, could, really, read.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah., Imagine, how, much, he, could, read, on Coke. I, bet, flew, through, those, book., I, bet those are all Coke books. JUST [clears throat] I JUST LEARNED ABOUT AUSTRALIA.

AND, so, Jesselick's, book, is, called, The Getaway. Mhm. And, he's, like,, "Jessle, Mick's, new, thing is like in my book club, I'm only doing a I'm doing a dress." Yeah.

In, my, book, club,, I'm, only, doing, books with great [ __ ] endings. So,, you, gota, It's, going, to, be, a, great ending. And the best ending I know, The Getaway. And I go to the comments and it's like every smart [ __ ] nerdy comic like Pat Oswald. This was one of the best books. I reread this three times over the summer. Who read? And the ending is crazy. And then it's another smart comic. Uh, this is the best ending I've ever seen. I can't I can't wait to hear people sing. And so I just wrote a comment. Hey, can somebody tell tell me how this book ends?

Yeah. And, I'm, know, I'm, getting, destroyed, by kid people that don't. Dude, that's the whole point of the book club. Bird, you read the [ __ ] book.

Of, course. By, the, way,, I, did, buy, the, book., Uh, are, you, reading, it? No,, no,, no,, no., I, got, uh, I, got, uh, what was it? Uh, Rugrats. Uh,

Diary, of, a, Wimpy, Kid, you're, reading, Diary, of, a, Wimpy, Kid. I, bought, Diary, of, a, Wimpy, Kids, the Getaway on accident and it showed up and I was like "This is not the one I ordered." And I [ __ ] posted it to I sent it to Jesselik. I wasn't going to post it. I I sent it to Jesselik. Jesselik's reply was, "I'm amazed that you use uh Instagram to communicate with people. I'm laughing hysterically. You're communicating with me through Instagram

versus, like, a, text., I, don't know., Yeah, I don't have his number, so I just I just DM'd him. I a video. I don't know.

Spade's, the, same, way., Spade, does., That's how Spade communicates. Spade, leaves, um, only, sends, voice, notes.

Yeah,, voice, notes. He, only, sends, voice, notes. But, uh, so, I've, got, this, I, got, Luke's book. I'm going to read it. I always like those guys that are smart and read. But here's the point. Here's the point. Here's the point. I never leave comments, Tommy. I never leave comments.

Okay. Negative, comments., I, just, don't, do, it. There's things I don't like.

But, you, don't, comment, on, that. I, would, never, comment., just, like, I'm, not a big fan of uh the WNBA, but I'm not in their [ __ ] comment section like this is what is [ __ ] wrong with America.

Yeah., [clears throat], Yeah. One, week, alone, with, Oculus, and, I, thought I'm going to light some [ __ ] up online.

Light, them, up. It's it's loneliness. It's loneliness not being attached to a real world.

Yeah., And, you, know, what, else, it, is, dude? It's it's that you have a place to put it now. See, like before all this [ __ ] existed

you, didn't, have, the, out, like, this, is, the outlet. The outlet is you can go to someone's page and be like, "Fuck you."

Yeah. That, didn't, exist, before., You, had, to write a letter and put a stamp on it. Like that's not a thing anymore. If you're if you're a dude and probably not in great shape, right?

Dandruff,, black, shirt, shows [clears throat], up, everywhere. Not, thriving. Not, thriving., Uh,, not, not, I,, you, know, and I I I'm I'm I really kind of I one weekend alone, I was by myself the whole weekend. No one even no one even called me, Tom. You're the only person I texted. No one called me. I didn't get any texts. On Sunday night, Leanne had uh Sandy and Tom, our friends, reach out going, "Hey, you haven't talked to anyone all weekend. Would you like to come over for dinner?" And I was like "I got Oculus here. I got [ __ ] seven [ __ ] waiting in my room. The [ __ ] am I going to hang out with you guys for?"

But, you, got, a, little, taste, of, it., But, I got a taste of what it's like to be I guess what they'd say is like an I don't want to say incel but you know like a lonely dude loneliness

a, lonely, dude, who's, just, like, living, in living in online and and having that be your expression and not and not especially if you don't drink and maybe you smoke weed there's no reason to go out.

Yeah., And, I, really, like, I, I, don't, mean this like I'm not trying to be like deep, but I really at the end of that week I understood those dudes who leave negative comments cuz I was like, "Yeah, I get it. I get it. You didn't have something. You don't

you're, not, going, to, get, noticed, if, you say something nice that, you're, right., You're, right.

You're, not, going, to, get, noticed, if you're like, "Dude, your special was great."

Or, or, Bert,, your, uh, new, series, is awesome. But if you're like, "Bert uh, that, was, the, best., I, don't, read comments, but I got the little girl that plays Isla in my show. Her mom texted me.

She, goes,, "I, hope, you're, okay, with, this, but Leelu is lighting people up in your comments." And I was like "What?" And she screen grabbed and it was, you know it's the trailer to Free Bert.

Uhhuh., Yeah., Yeah. And, some, dude's, like,, "This, dude, fell off." Yeah., Yeah.

And, then, Leelu,, who's, [ __ ], 10,, wrote off your mom. And she's just lighting these dudes up. And then these dudes are coming after her not knowing she's 10. And you're like, I go I go, "Hey, just do I don't care, but I don't want her I don't want her to.

She, This, isn't, It's, not, good., She, has, to stand up for me." Yeah., That's, really, It's, really adorable though.

But, I, understand, that, guy, that, goes, he gets more attention and now he's in a fight and now he's got a communication and now he's got something to do that day. I'm not defending the guys who leave negative comments, but I'm understanding it after that weekend alone is like you're sitting there with with with little to nothing to do and you throw a hateful thing out and then someone's like, "Fuck you." And now you're talking.

Yeah., You, got, you, got, it, to, work. No, one, in, the, world, wanted, to, talk, to you and now someone wants to talk to you and it's a fight.

And, it, reinforces, that, like, if, I, say, the hateful thing, that's how I get someone to talk to me.

And, if, you, reply, or, I, reply, Yeah., That's, I, mean, that's, a, [ __ ] home run. That's like shut up. I got into a [ __ ] celebrity's head.

Yeah., Yeah. And, the, reason, I, don't, read, comments, is is one day one guy got in my head and and I and this guy who I don't know kind of [ __ ] my day up. And I was like, why would I let that happen? Why would I ever allow my day to get [ __ ] up? But then I understood that guy's not he doesn't hate me. He's not He just needs someone to talk to.

Yeah., He's, lonely,, dude. Yeah. Yeah., It, was, a, really, I'll, tell, you what, Oculus changed my life. Now they're,, they're they're, so greasy.

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Yeah, cuz, I, didn't, give, a, [ __ ], These, are, my Oculus. I'm I got lube in both hands. I'm dropping [ __ ] Oh, yeah. You don't know the panic when you drop your [ __ ] handles in a dark room and the screen goes to black with a pause button and you're like "How the [ __ ] do I get back in this orgy?" And you're rubbing everything and trying to find like Helen Keller trying to find the two [ __ ] handles.

Yeah., Get, back, in, the, goddamn, orgy. I, think, I'm, done, with, Oculus. So,, that, was, it.

Well,, I've, had, sex, with, Leanne. Yeah. And, when, she, got, home, was, it, better?

It, feels, better. Oh,, yeah., Yeah. Feels, It, definitely, feels, better., And

with, a, human. Yeah., But, she, doesn't, talk, like, I, want her to watch a couple of them

and, just, be, like and, say, stuff, like,, "Look, me, in, the eyes, you pervert."

Yeah. It's, pretty, cool., We, got, to, get, them, away, for, your, boys. You can't. Your boys should

No., No., They, they your, boys, should, not, have, them. No,, they're, not., They're, just, they're they they're just lobbying for more violent games. They're like, "Listen

okay, I, know, we're, kids,, but, these, are, games. Like, why can't we just do GTA 5?" And I'm like, "Just no."

And, they're, like, "No,, you, can't.", You know why? There's this room I went to. I went to this room. I was on Oculus the whole [ __ ] weekend.

Yeah. I, went, to, this, room., I, I, was, like, "What's this?" And it's like a spaceship and you're in space and you're like this and I see this dude run across this like going jogging and I go, "Who the [ __ ] is this, guy?", And, then, all, of a, sudden, this guy comes up and goes, "Hi, what's your name?" And I look over and it's a dude right in my ear. I went, "What?" And then it goes, "Enable microphone." And I was like "No, no." I was like "You could get these [ __ ] rooms."

Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., Yeah. We, got, to, get, them, away, for, your, boys. Your boys we So just for everyone

they're, doing, the, They, have, a, They, don't have like the Oculus. They have um the PlayStation one for the Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Um but, they're, just, like,, "I, just, want, to go shoot stuff." And I'm like, "Yeah, I know dude.

We, we, uh It's funny. I I've been I've been talking a lot about uh our friendship to like people like uh cuz our friendship's really interesting. Like we are business partners."

Yeah. And, and, we, are, friends., When, we, when, you get money, your friendship you you turn into different wealthy people in a weird way, but your friendship's still there. Yeah. But just things like I was telling someone yesterday like the first time I made good money, you're like, "You should treat yourself." That's what you do when you get good money. Treat yourself. You sent me a picture of his Gucci bag and I was like, "Nice." So, I went to Gucci in Vegas. I didn't know him. Bought this $3,000 bag and I sent a picture of it to you and you go, "Oh, how did Lean like it?" And I go, "Huh?" And you go, "I got that for Christina." And I went, "I bought it for myself." You're like, "That's a woman's BAG." AND I WENT, "AH, FUCK."

BUT those but that's the interesting thing is like and and so but we got like this is going to sound weird, but I forget sometimes only cuz we work so much together how good of friends we are and I realized that Christmas Eve.

Yeah., Oh,, cuz, we, got, to, hang, out., Yeah, dude. We, were, in, DC., We, should, set, the, stage. We were in DC cuz we were both doing uh press with Netflix for uh my special came out. It's called Teacher Congratulations on Netflix. Thank you.

[ __ ], awesome. And, then, your, series, is, coming, out., Free bird comes out

January, 22nd, only, on, Netflix. Only, on, Netflix., So,, because, Netflix, had the broadcast, which was Commanders Cowboys, um, and there, you know, they they did, I think they had 40 promos on this broadcast because they knew so many people would be watching, um, of all their stuff. We were there, we were both there. I was there with Christine and the boys and then you were there alone.

I, was, there, with, Kyle. Oh,, with, Kyle., And, then, you're, like, "Hey, let's um you know, let's hang."

Well,, it's, it's, this, is, now, this, is, what I talk about with the friendship is that I go I hit you up old school like the regular Tom and Bert. I was like, "Yo Christmas Eve, can I hang out with you and your family?" And you're like "Of course." And then as I got closer, I was like, you know, I'm a lot and I, you know, and I am and and sometimes you just want to hang out with your family in the in the room and not and not go do something or go to dinner. And maybe like everyone wants to sit in their pajamas and watch a movie. What am I sitting doing? Just drinking vodka in the corner. Yeah.

And, so, I, hit, you, up, the, next, day., I, was like, "Hey, just so you know, don't you don't have to invite me to Christmas Eve. I I can do my own thing." And then you're like "I definitely want you at Christmas Eve."

Yeah. So, we, pull, up, to, the, hotel, and, I, see your boys getting out of the car. And Push is talking to the driver or someone in the back and I go up to your boys. I go, "State police. I need CDs right now." And they go, "Fat Sticks." They're like "We knew you were coming. We knew you were coming." And I go, "I got [ __ ] awesome presents for you guys." And they're like, "When do we get them?" I go, "You get them tonight."

And, they're, like,, "Oh,, what, are, you doing, right, now?, Do, you, want to, come, to our room?" And I was like, I was like "I, don't know.", And, then, Push, saw, me. She was like "Hey." And it was so

Yeah. fun. It's, like, old, school. It, was, old, school., It, was, so, [ __ ] We, hung, out., You, and, I, hung, out, with, the kids and everything, Christmas Eve dinner, and they were they [clears throat], were, just, themselves.

They're, Do, you, want, to, see, me, choke, my brother out? You're like "Yeah, I'm I bet I could I bet I could tap you out." Your oldest has so much energy.

It's, wild. And, your, youngest, is, a, one, of, one. I, know, he, is. That, [ __ ], child, is, every, day, now. He's like "Can I wear my suit today?" And I'm like, I mean, we're going downstairs to the lobby of the hotel. He's like, "Is that a no?" [cough] I'm like, "No, you can wear your suit." And then he wears a suit and then people go "You're dressed up." He goes, "I love fashion." And they're like "How old are you?" He's like "I'm seven." He's like, and they're like, "And [clears throat], you, love, fashion?", He's like "Yeah, so did David Bowie." And then he just tells them like

that's, what, he, said, to, me., He, goes,, "I swear to God." He goes, "Do you like David Bowie?" And I I I see Christina go "Okay."

Yeah. I, go,, "Yeah,, I, love, David, Bowie.", He goes, "Did you know David Bow's been dead nine years now?" And I was like, "I didn't know that." He goes "He died of liver cancer." And I was like, "Okay." Yeah.

And, he, was, like, "Do, you, know, I, know every David Bowie song." And I said "You do?" And he goes, "Yeah, yeah yeah. Quiz me." And I was like "What?"

Yeah., He, loves, David, Bowie., And, then randomly I get home and my favorite podcast is an hour documentary on David [ __ ] Bowie.

I, started, playing, it, for, him. Oh, my, god. He, was, He, was, like, lit, up., Just, totally.

It's, so, funny., They're, very, different boys but perfect brothers. Yeah., They're, great., And, they, dude, they fight, you know? They [ __ ] fight. Like I have to physically separate. And then two seconds later they're just like hanging out laughing and Yeah.

Ellis, gets, on, a, subject., He, goes,, he goes, "Uh, do you think I tap you out?" I was like "What?" And you're like "Elis takes jiu-jitsu." He goes, "I'm really good. Do you think I could tap you out?" And I said "My daughter takes jiu-jitsu." And immediately his shift focus. And he goes, "What belt is she?"

Yeah. I, go, "I, don't, know.", She, used, to, take lessons. He goes, "What belt is she? Can you find out what belt she is? Do you think I could fight your daughter? Do you think I could take your daughter down? I bet I could tap her out. I'm really good. I'm quick, too. I fight the bigger kids." And you guys are like, you guys are like, "He does fight with the bigger kids." And then, and then and then Julian's like, "I didn't like jiu-jitsu." Yeah, I know. We were on the We were on vacation and like other people would be like, you know, people see kids and they're like "How you doing?" Like, "Where are you from?" He would introduce himself as a champion cross country runner

and, a, jiu-jitsu, guy., And, I, was, like,, and they were like "Oh,, okay.", He's, like,, "Yeah,, I, [ __ ] I'm I'm really fast." They're like "That's nice to meet you."

I, leaned, into, I, leaned, into, the, boys, and I said, "Hey, do you think it would be cool if I went on your vacation?" I don't tell your parents. I just show up and like almost like a spy, I show up and prank them the whole time. And Ellis is like his he goes, "Is this can this be real?" And I went, "Yeah, it can be real. I'll I'll show up and they won't know and you guys will help me." And we'll prank them the whole time. And Ellis is like, "Oh, oh, [groaning] oh oh, this is going to be great. This is going to, be, great.", At, the, end, of the night, he goes, "Are you coming on our vacation?" I go, "I don't know. I'll check." And he goes, "No, you need to let, me, know.", [clears throat], And, I, was like "Okay

dude.", [snorts] Christmas day, we went to the game which was so fun. I, didn't, I, didn't, see, any, of, it., I showed up, did my part, and got on a plane and left.

It, was, so, fun., And, they, were, they, were um you, know,, my, big, disappointment, in, life so far

I, know, has, been, that, they, don't, like, football. Yeah. And, I, was, like,, it's, the, only, reason, I had you guys. I tell them all the time. I'm like, that was the only reason you were born was to watch football together. And every time I've been watching football over the years, they're like they'll walk in the room and they'll be like, "Ah, [ __ ] Let me watch something else." And I'm like, "You you're you're out of the will. You're not you're not even part of this family, right?" Like just

Anyway,, as, as, the, years, have, gone, by, little more interest. And then when I was like, "We're going to a game." I could see that they were exc I was like "Oh, this might be like the thing." So we get there and they're like, you know they're looking at the stadium and Netflix put us in a a suite that they had and they were like, "This is [ __ ] awesome."

Who else, was, in, the, suite? Um, I don't think anybody like, Seth, Rollins. No,, no,, no., It, wasn't, anybody, like, that. It was mostly people you wouldn't know really,

but, it, wasn't, like, packed, in, there either. But they were like taking it in and they were like they had so much interest. I was like, "Oh, this is great." I started to like it's like what you dream about. I was like explaining the game and what's happening because they had zero interest before and so I'm like laying it out and then they're like so like I'm like it's it's Dallas versus Washington. And they're like who do we cheer for? And I'm like well I don't know. I go I mean we live in Austin so Dallas is pretty close. And they're like we're definitely Dallas. And I was like all right, cool., And, they, were, like, come on. They would yell come on Texas. And I was like no it doesn't that's not that doesn't, [clears throat], work, like, that.

And come on, Cowboys. And, they're, like, "What?", I, go,, "It's Dallas. You gota you got to be specific. It's Dallas." And they're like "Oh okay." And they would scream out the open window. They're like, "Cowboys? Yeah, Washington sucks." And and like everybody in the suite was Red or Commanders fans. Yeah. And they would be like turning their heads to these two little psychos, Julian in his suit, of course, and like screaming about it. And they got really into it. So, the main thing is I, you know, the season's ending, but I'm like, I got to get these guys to games more. That's that's what I learned is like you got to get them to a game.

But, anyway,, at, the, end, of, the, day,, it was Christmas day. We go back to the hotel and we're sitting there and it's like finally winding down. The energy of the day is winding down

and, then, Ellis, sits, there, and, I, see, him kind of like head down. I go, "What's up?" He goes, "I miss I miss Bert." I go, "Really?" He goes, "Yeah, he's my fat uncle." A

I, go, I, go,, "Well,, we, can, see, him, again." He goes, "Today." I go, "No, he left." He goes, "Oh

all, right." I, wished, I, wanted, so, bad, to, go, sit, in the suite with you guys. I knew I I knew

they, were, asking., They're, like, "Is, Bird coming? Is he coming up?" I was like "I don't know. I think he's he's got to catch a flight." And every like 20 minutes they'd be like "Is Bird coming up now?" I was like, "Well, he's working right now."

That, would, have, been, so, [ __ ], good. I, told, them, I, told, them, I, said, "We, got to do a family trip. I'll take my girls and you guys come with you guys." And they're like, "What are we doing?" I go "Safari." And they're like "What?"

Yeah. I, was, like, "Let's, go, to, Africa.", And then I told my girls and my girls were like "Well, we have to babysit them." And I said, "Absolutely not." And they're like "We're in." This episode is sponsored by Better Help. The new year doesn't require a new you. Maybe just a little less burden. You therapy can help more easily identify what holds you back by offering an unbiased perspective to for better understanding your relationships, motivations, and emotions. You know, if you haven't done therapy that makes no sense to you. It really does. You go, "How I? They're my relationships. They're my emotions. What am I talking about?" Dude, when you're in therapy and you have another person going, you know, I'm noticing a pattern.

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Um, the, uh, I, want, to, ask, you, a, question. Okay. And and this is based off of need. I was talking to Shannon Sharp the other day.

Shay. Shay., I, did, call, Shay, to, promote, the, new show. Amazing. Yeah., I, think, I'm, going, to, get, a, lot, of [ __ ] for it.

Immediately, you're, doing, a, podcast, and the second you get in the car, you're like, I definitely shouldn't have said that.

I, have, I'm, getting, a, phone, call, from Kevin Hart. Oh,, Jesus. I, know., He, just, looks, at, me., Shannon Sharp goes, uh, you said Kevin Hart needs to talk about all the luck in his life. Like Cat Williams packed a gun in his suitcase and that's the only reason he got with that movie. And I was like, "Damn it." I was like "Who does your research?" [ __ ] the internet. God, that is a deep cut. I said that once to a [ __ ] girl [ __ ] 10 years ago.

Yeah. And, I, was, like,, "Yes, I, can't, wait, [snorts], for, this., These are going to be some viral clips."

I, That, was, always, the, folklore., And, then And then I then I I broke it down. I said, you know, every comedian needs like that one stroke of luck. I go, we all got it. And for me, it's the machine story going viral. That one girl posts the clip that says, "This story is 100% true. I was in my his class. He [ __ ] robbed us." Um, that helped me. That's the spark. And I go, "Tommy, it was Tommy got on Netflix the same time Bill Burr was on Netflix. It's the only two comics. Bill Burr is huge." I don't know if I actually said this. I think I just said Netflix. But you get on Netflix with Bill Burr and they go, "Did you like, Bill, Burr?, Then, you're, going to love, Tom, Sura.", And, all, of a, sudden you're f I remember you saying, "I don't need to do press. It's too much." My my stroke of luck honestly was really that

um, Comedy, Central, said, no. Yeah, that, was, my, stroke, of, luck, that, like they said no and then

Netflix, was, just, in, licensing, stuff. They, were like, we, just, want, to, license, a bunch of [ __ ] It's like 2013.

That, was, my, You're, right., And, they, were like, "Yeah, this is like these are specials." And they just were like "Yeah, we'll take it." That was my luck. And uh I go, "Bill Bersluck is that Philly rant."

That, that, goes, viral, and, everyone's like, "This guy's a [ __ ] genius." I, go,, "Jim, Jeff, got, punched, in, the, head at the comedy store." Yeah. He happened to have a manager, Brett Vincent, who knew how to it worked the internet. So he took the clip off the security cam posted to MySpace, goes viral. I go "Rogan calls out Mensia." I go, "Listen I mean, listen, this is and this is my take and I'm allowed to have my opinion." Yeah. But without that Mensia video and Rogan getting kicked out of the comedy store, losing his agent.

Yeah. And, and, all, of, that,, the, punishment, he he got from this team. Maybe he doesn't reset and start his podcast

right? Maybe, he's, not, sitting, there, going, "What what are we going to do today?"

Yeah. You, know,, and, then, you, get, an interesting take. It's But then the [ __ ] irresponsible part of me is I one time I heard a drunk agent say the only reason Kevin Hart got fool's gold is cuz Kat Williams packed a gun in his luggage to go to the trip.

Yeah. And, they, and, they, said, cat, they, were shooting the movie. They're ready to shoot it and they're like they're like yo

we, need, someone, who, will, sit, fit, into, a [ __ ] medium. I, don't, know, that, that's, offensive, to because I think the thing is that like everybody gets a thing right. Yeah. And like to Kevin's credit, like what he's done is taken whatever opportunity he was given and knocked it out of the park. Like

Right., He's, not, there., He's, not, here, by accident. No. But, but, everyone, has, that, one, spark, of luck. Yeah.

That, really, catapults., I, mean, I, think, that's, crazy, to, say. Okay,, good., Well,, that

I, mean,, someone's, going, to, act, like, it's real crazy to say, but of, course.

And, then, all, those, guys, on, Oculus goggles that are going to light me up. I just give you my number and you call me and we'll talk.

Yeah. And, then, I, said, some, stuff, about, Tracy Morgan. I just it was it's a good interview. I think people are gonna love it.

But, but, but, I, said, to, Club, I, said, to Shannon Sharp, who's by the way so much bigger in person.

Yeah. He, I, said, uh he's, jacked., He's, like, 60, or, something, dude. He's, jacked., Yeah.

And, he's, And, he, drank, We, drank, I, drank half a bottle of Kosier. Yeah. Which, by, the, end, I'm, just, drunk., Yeah.

And, and, then, I, started, interviewing, him and I asked him a question that's kind of [ __ ] me up now. Okay. I said, "What's the difference between when you had a million dollars when you first signing?" He was a seventh round draft pick. Wasn't much. Didn't expect much. His first resigning bonus was for $450,000 with a $700,000 bonus, right? So, it's over a million.

Yeah. I, said, "What's, the, difference, between now then and now when you have this money?" And he thought about it and he goes, "Back then I had to wait to buy a watch." And I said, "Yeah." And he goes "Now I just buy watches." I said ' Which was better? And he goes, "Then I said," So what are we doing? Like if it was better then, what are we doing? He was like "I don't know." He goes, "I guess you want security to put your family, you know, take care of your family and stuff." And I thought about it now. I I want to whittle it down so it's fun for everyone to do this game if you're listening. And and maybe we put it in the comments.

I did it to Leanne today. And I'm curious to what your answers are. We'll start with uh with shoes. How many pair of shoes does a man need in his life?

You're, talking, to, the, wrong, guy. You're, looking, at, the, other, wrong, guy., I have I had a shoe addiction for a period and I have a room full of shoes that I don't use. And now I'm looking at them going, "This is wasteful."

Do, you, know, that?, Do, you, know, that, I've gone you I don't know if I told you that what you're talking about is something that I've been feeling and dealing with and it's not like a a big thing but it's like

which, was, like, the, the, idea, of, excess and wastefulness. Yeah., So,, in, the, last, few, months,, it really occurred to me what you're saying. And so, uh, I got rid of this is grotesque. I got rid of 80 pairs of shoes right? Cuz I was like I was looking at them and I was like, "What is this?"

Yeah. Then, I, I, did, it, for, cars. I was like, "This is so stupid." I I really did. I was like "What am I doing?" The same thing you're saying.

Really? Yeah., I, was, like, "What?, Why, do, I, I don't It's like I go this these are they're just become like I I never wanted to be like a museum piece person. We're like let's just look at this like you know for anything.

And, then, I, also, did, it, I've, done, it, for watches. No,, don't, do, that.

Yeah., Yeah. Don't, Okay., I, said, to, Lean,, "How, many watches does a man need?" That's how it started. I didn't want to I didn't want to say that cuz I know watches is a

and, I, did, it, for, and, and, for a, trigger, warning, on, this, podcast for, just, clothes., I, just, I, just, felt like it's um

it, actually, is, more, anxietyinducing to have this overwhelming abundance of like stuff.

Yeah. And, then, you, go,, "What, do, I, even, really love or like?" And I know it's like a boohoo comment and they're like people will be like, "Oh, I got too much stuff." It's true. I got too much stuff

and, it, doesn't, feel, good., It, doesn't feel good to have too much stuff. And so I've donated stuff. I've gotten rid of stuff. I've sold stuff.

So,, wait., So,, wait., Okay., So,, the, first question I asked her is, "Well, how many shoes does a man need?" And she said "You need a pair of uh a pair of nice shoes."

Mhm. You, need, a, pair, of, running, shoes, and, you need a pair of kickound shoes and a pair of flip-flops. And I

Is, that, four four, pairs, of, shoes? That's, That's, a, little, low. That's, a, little, low., And, I, I, said, just ballparking it. I want to know what your answers are. I wish I wish I could read comments. I'd love to know what people think. I said a total no more than nine pairs of shoes.

Yeah., I, mean, I, think, if, you, are, you're working person, you have a job, you like having shoes.

Yeah. That you, kind, of, probably, got, work, boots. Yeah., Like, let's, say, you, have, your, work boots, your dress shoes, let's say a black and brown pair.

Black, and, brown, pair. Then, you, have, your, trainers, for, the, gym. Let's say you're if you're a runner, you like weightlifting, you have separate shoes for that. And then for like your everyday life, you know, there's most people want some variety, right? So if you have like black ones and blue ones and gray, like

I, do, think, capping, it,, you, don't, have, to put a cap on it obviously, but to me it's like once you have 20 pairs of shoes,

you're, on, your, own. Yeah., You're, like, And, then, what, what, I really the reason I was thinking about this was like I was walking and looking at like what am I going to wear today? And I realized that I was always pulling like the same like eight pairs of shoes. Yeah.

And, that, the, other, ones, were, just decorations and the same thing for like driving. I was like, "What am I doing?" Like I have like

And, it's, f, I, understand, there's, people there are car collectors and I know [clears throat], people, personally, who have 60 cars and they're thrilled with it and I've been to their garage. I'm like, "This, is, insane.", And, and and, I'm think it's it's awesome if it works for you. I don't think it works for me.

Christian,, how, many, pairs, of, shoes, do you have? Let me guess. Three. Four.

How, How, many? Uh,, seven. Seven,, eight. Yeah,, that's in, college., [clears throat], In, college,

I, had, two, pairs, of, shoes. Yeah, I, had, running, shoes, and, flip-flops., I only wore flip flops everywhere.

Yeah, I, wore, flip-flops, everywhere. Yeah,, I, wore, yours,, by, the, way,, over vacation.

Oh,, thank, you. Yeah, those, are, great. They're, great. They're, great., I, wish, we, were, still, in We were still We were still making them.

Those, are, great. Yeah,, he, changed, the, design, and, the design. I like the new design, so I stopped wearing them. I used to wear all the old ones. I have nine pairs of old ones. My flip-flops are bad. Okay. How about shirts? How many shirts should a man have?

I, mean,, I just Let's Let's just do t-shirts. T-shirts. How, many, t-shirts, should, a, man, have?

I, think, you, want, to, have you want you probably want doubles at least of like

two, black. Yeah., Two, white. Two, blue., Two, white. Yeah., Yeah., And, then if you have like let's say a variety of six or seven others, you kind of like that's what you end up wearing.

T-shirts., How, many, t-shirts, do, you, have? Don't, Don't ballpark, it now or because I I just did the purge

before, the, before, the, clean. Before, the, purge. Before, the, purge. Uh few hundred.

Oh,, okay. Yeah,, a, few, hundred. I, have, my, sister, Annie., Uh, she, does, I don't

jackets,, bro. Oh,, you, I, remember, you, went, through, a jacket phase. It's, not, over.,

How, many, jackets, do, you, have? Hundreds. Are, you, serious? Yeah., But, I, also, have, been, like Yeah. It's a it's a I realized dude that it is it is like a form of self soothing and like it's an impulse thing and all and like the thing I had to like try to work on is is to not act on the impulse to stop for a second and go do I really want this? Do I really need this? Will will I use this? And sometimes when I just ask myself that for anything just the act of asking myself that gets me to not do the impulse buy and then leave. And then I think the thing you do is you go if this is something that sits with you and you keep going like, "Oh man, I really want these shoes or whatever."

Yeah. Then, you, go,, "Okay,, it's, been, like, in your head." But I've been acting off of impulse for too long.

I've, been, acting, off, impulse., I, look, at my shirts. I looked at my t-shirts today. I only wear the same shirt. I wear, the, [clears throat], same, shirt every day. And I and I looked at my shirts. I realized my problem is nostalgia.

Like, I, I, looked, at, my, shirts, this morning as I was I had this thought last, last, night, this, morning, when, I, woke up cuz you know Leanne and I have separate bedrooms now.

Yeah. And, so, [clears throat and snorts], I'm, in my bedroom. Feels, good. Well,, I, brought, only, what, I, needed, to, my bedroom.

Yeah., And, so, her, closet, is, full, of, all the collector stuff I have. Oh, like, all, the, stuff, I, don't, touch., I brought all my [ __ ] there and then I left all my other [ __ ] in her room.

And, so, then, I, was, like,, Jesus,, like, I guess I guess I only wear, you know, one pair of pants.

I, think, that's, really, what, it, is,, dude. Yeah. And, I Yeah. What? It's, just, It's, I I'm like upset. not upset, but I was like I realized how silly I I feel about the consumption like about about just

uh, obtaining, acquiring, all, this, [ __ ] And then I realize that it doesn't bring me joy. It's not fulfilling. It it's causing me to feel like what the [ __ ] I feel like a goddamn like I'm on PCP like [ __ ] lunatic and I'm like this is it doesn't feel good. So that's why I was just like I got to get rid of [ __ ] man. I almost enjoy when I stain a tracksuit.

Uhhuh. Cuz, I, go,, "What?, We're, getting, rid, of this." Like I spilled a meatball. I dropped a meatball down my

down, my, I, had, I, had, a, nice, polo, I, went through a tracksuit phase. So all

I, do, remember, this. I, went, through, a, tracksuit, phase, and, I, I got I polo tracksuits in every color. Gray, navy blue, black, and light blue. And when I flew to

You, eyeballed, me., I, didn't, tell, you this. You eyeballed me so hard when I went to your room Christmas Eve. I was in a tracksuit and the and you sat there. We were talking. Remember we sat in your room and you kept going

and, I, don't know, if, it, was, for, my, track I didn't say your tracksuit. No, I was like this guy's like really eyeball.

I, was, It, was, your, tracksuit., It, was, your tracksuit. But, uh, I, I, got, on, I, dropped, a, meatball down my my my sweat my tracksuit and I was like there's no way this is coming out. I'm throwing this [snorts] away. Good for you.

And, I, was, like, nice., I, got, rid, of, a tracksuit. Great., And, then, I, brought, it, up, and then I put shout on it and you can still see the stains. I go, "Okay, I'll work out in the pants."

Yeah., Yeah. Like, I, have, a, hard, time., I, have, a, shirt. I have uh I have shirts from 2001.

And, you're, going,, "By, the, way,, how, much are you down? You look good." Uh, we, should, do, a, Mjaro, journey.

How, much, are, you, down? 30, lb. 30, lb. 30, lbs. Which, means,, and, this, is, the, You, have, to [ __ ] do this. You need new clothes. You have to get rid of bigger clothes. You have to get rid of it.

I, have, all, my, pants,, none, of, my, pants fit. like I'm at the very beginning of my belts. The um I'll tell you man, and I only say this not like I I I follow a lot of fat people.

I, follow, I, follow, almost, exclusively, fat fat people. Yeah. Like, you, know, those, fatty, baddies, that go, I'm a fatty batty and this is what I eat in a day. I start. I'll tell you right now. If you're a woman and you're in good shape, okay, and you're thinking to yourself, I'll never get fat. But when you wake up, you make a coffee and put four pumps of caramel and coffee creamer and whipped cream and sprinkles on it, you're going to be fat. That's the That is the key. That is the every fatty batty I watch.

Yeah., I, mean,, the, plus-siz, park, hoppers, they all get crazy coffee orders. Ladies, ladies, ladies, your coffee should be coffee with a splash of cream. That's it. No [ __ ] sugar. That That is I'm telling you.

I, don't, think, it's, just, ladies,, dude., It was a bunch of dudes. All, I, follow, is, ladies.

Oh, I, follow, with, the, You, don't, Do, you follow the uh the hottie? I remember I texted you.

You, follow, You're, You, follow, a, lot, of bizarre [ __ ] dude. Dude, I follow these rappers from like Michigan. They're like five dudes and they're always in the woods and like one dude wears a Jason mask and it always starts with uh the guy jumping off the thing and he's like it's so good.

It's, good. It's, but, yeah,, but, it's, like, I I, don't, know, why, I, you, know, there's, this thing there's this thing I recognize in people that I I identify with and it's the need

to, be, seen., And, mine's, shallow., I, like, I I get on stage to do it. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I do podcasts because I want to be seen. My goal in this year is to be less seen. Is is I think I think I same thing with overabundance. I think I wanted to be seen so much that I got kind of annoying to people.

It's, like, I, was, everywhere and, like, people, would, go, like,, "You're the Tik Tok guy." And I'm like "No." Like, "You're all over my TikTok." And I was like "I don't think I am." And they're like, "Yeah, you are."

And, so you're, the, Tik, Tok, guy., But, like, um, so, I that's what I identify with the people online who like like these rappers where they're like yeah the guy always jumps off something in the woods and they're all intimidating and it but they're

honestly, they're, not, this, is, the, best it's going to get for them. They're, not, getting, signed, by, Dr., Dre,

right? They're, not, their, raps, aren't, awesome but they're they're making me happy.

Yeah. And, so, but, I, understand, that., Do, you have Do you know who I'm talking about?

This, is, them., Yeah,, that's, them., That's them. Okay. Is, that, a, real, hand,

[ __ ], You, know, who, it, is? Dude,, this, is, them., Look, at, them., Oh, LOOK AT THEM.

RAT, KICKING, IN, YOUR, BACK, DOOR. HE'S, READING, HIS, RAP., He, reads, his, rap. And look, there's a guy with a [ __ ] snap jaws with a hacksaw. Fast when I scrap. By the way, this is what people have been doing for generations. It's just that you can watch them now.

Yeah,, but, I, would, argue, guys, doing, this everywhere. I, would, argue, no., Like, there's, this, girl There's this girl I'm following. She's uh rowing across the Atlantic Ocean.

Uh-huh. And, I, thought I could do that. No,, no,, no,, no,, no., I'm, following, her and she's

sharing, her, journey., Hey, guys,, today's the first day that I'm going to jump in the water. I've been scared to do this but I'm jumping in the water. And you know, she jumps in the water and she goes, "Hey guys, it rained today. There was a storm and I needed it cuz I really needed to take a bath and you know and then I thought just as a little little thought experiment I thought what if what if someone texted her and like yo uh Instagram no longer exists.

Yeah. She'd, be, in, the, she, would, go,, "Why, the [ __ ] am I doing this?" Maybe

how, do, I, get, the, [ __ ], [clears throat] back? Get me the [ __ ] out of here. I don't want to be here. I'm only here so people see that I'm here.

Yeah. And, and, I, literally, thought, that., Would she Is there anyone rowing across the [ __ ] ocean that's not posting it? Is there anyone getting a sailboat and not posting their adventures on YouTube?

You're, right. Are, is, there, any, rapper that's, just, rapping, by, himself, in, his [ __ ] closet?

Probably., Yeah,, that, one., Yes. Yeah,, probably. But, I, think, for, the, a, lot, of, that

holy, [ __ ], endurance, crazy, thing,, it's very few that are just doing it for the love of it. For sure.

Very, few., And, then, by, the, way,, if, we, shouldn't, forget, to, to mention that the details are coming soon, but we are the 5K is back for

Two, Bears, 5K 2026 and, and, Jelly, Roll, will, be, there. Yep., Which,, by, the, way,, now, I'm, like, remember how we used to be like, we got to take a knee out with this [ __ ] guy.

Yeah. What?, Dude,, he, weighs, if, I, hadn't started Mjaro, he'd be skinnier than me.

It's, [ __ ], crazy. Is, that, not, crazy?, 265., I, was, 270, when, I started losing weight. And dude, I can't I can't let him beat me this year. That's crazy.

He's, going, to, beat, you. No,, he's, not. If, he, if, when, he, gets, his, skin, removed, he's going to be 200 lb.

He's, not, beating, me,, dude. Dude,, he, runs, every, [ __ ], day. I'm, running., I'm, running., I, run.

He, runs, every, [ __ ], day. Does, he, really? Every, day., And, he, runs, uphill., He's addicted. He's a He's cuz you know like Jelly, you know I love you, but Jelly does, have, a, little bit, of, an, addictive personality.

A, little, okay,, with, the, food, and, the, drugs. Yeah., No, [ __ ] He's, just, applied, that, in, a, positive way.

A, lot, of, people, do, that, get, sober. And, he's, he's, still, parties. I, know., I, um

he's, [ __ ], like I, ran four miles a day over on the break. Yeah. And, um, now, I, have, to, like, up, it, cuz, I cannot let him beat me.

Oh,, he, beat, me, last, year., Did, he, beat you? Yeah., Well,, I, ran, it., There, was, the second time I ran it. He's I I heard he's running our 5K twice this year.

He, just, did, a, 10K, with, [ __ ], Cam Haynes. [ __ ], All right, I got to step it up. It's fine.

He, looks, incredible. He, does, look, incredible., He's unrecognizable. Yeah,, I, love, when, I, love, I, was, with Bunny recently and she we were talking about Marjaro and Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I should say I should wrap up. I want to I only want to say this for people that are like me cuz I follow a lot of fat people.

Mhm. If, you, are, having, if, you, ever, an, issue with your weight and you want to lose weight, I found mangaro worked for me. Now it g it made me feel like I had the flu. I still am on it for 4 days. For four days I feel like I I have a flu like a low-grade flu. Uh very beginning I was throwing up violently at airports but [snorts] and then the last three days I feel normal and then when I take it again I get like a welt on my stomach.

Mhm. By, the, way,, Jack, Osborne, was, like, just put up ice pack on that mate. Goes away.

Oh, nice. Oh, yeah., We, were, talking, peptides, and, uh and um but it it can jumpstart a healthy lifestyle because I was honest about it and not not everyone you know a lot of people like I've heard a lot of people that are like oh yes I've just done hard work and you're like but um because I was honest with it people have come up to me and go you know I'm on a GLP1 I'm on a tereptide but I'm on a GLP1 and dude there are so many people that come up to me that are regular looking people and they're like "I lost 70 lbs." And you're like "What?"

Wow. And, they're, like, "Oh,, yeah., Yeah,, I, was diabetic. I'm not diabetic anymore."

That's, amazing. And, so,, if, you're, thinking, about, it,, uh I don't know. I wish I could tell you. I don't I knew how much it cost, but I I think insurance covers some of it.

But, you've, dropped, 30, lbs. 30, lbs., My, my, weightlifting, is, dropped as well. Um I'm not I'm definitely couldn't do three [ __ ] 25 right now but I'm still lifting weights. Uh, right now I can't use my leg so I'm lifting. What happened? What happened? Parallelgic. What?

What, happened, with, your, leg? Um, I, saw, you, limping. So, I, I, don't, know, what, happened., I, I, I meaning

one, day, I, w, I, woke, up, and, my, and, my, So I've had this Achilles problem. I posted a picture of it yesterday. You pull up that picture. It's pretty aggressive. I've had an Achilles problem since I was shooting Free Bert. And so I stopped running because of it cuz I was like, I don't want to rupture my Achilles.

That, would, suck., And, then, and, then, one morning I woke up over the over Thanksgiving and I slept wrong and my hip was out and I couldn't use my leg. My like my I pinched a nerve or something. So we worked that out and as I slowly got better and better all of a sudden like my calf would hurt and then my foot it would it would move. I thought it was a blood clot for real. Like and then the top of my right foot hurt then it was planner fasciitis. Then I had a masseuse come in and he [ __ ] me up. And then ever since that day it was inside calf, outside calf, outside here, over here, under here. I have no idea what it is, but you see this picture of my [ __ ] Achilles from yesterday. And it I think it may be Achilles related, but dude, I had to wrap my leg in a hot blanket.

Do, you, think, you, should, maybe, get, this checked out by someone or No it, Okay,, just, so, we're, clear., Yeah,

I'm, marking, it, day, by, day, how, much, it's getting better. And, every, day, since, it, was, really, bad, it's getting 20% better every day. So like today, the bottom of my foot hurts a lot less.

I, [snorts], bet, you, don't, know, what caused this. I, have, zero, idea. You, were, running?

No,, I, got, Well,, the, last, time, I, used, my leg Good Mhm. I, was, drunk, on, stage, with, uh, Snow, the Product.

Okay. And, we, were, singing, and, I, was, dancing and I was jumping up and down.

Mhm., And, so, just, go, to, my, my, just, go, to my stories. It's Bert T. Look at this. Look at that. Go back one. It's me and Michael Chandler. Look. Can you see that Achilles?

Yeah. Yeah. Looks, aggressive. And, your, foot, was, hurting, a, lot. Yeah., My, my, my, planter, fasciitis, is hurting less. Right now it's my calf. God damn.

But, the, more, I, use, it, throughout, the, day and if I work out, it feels a lot better.

Oh,, that's, good. So,, I, don't, know., I'm, going, to, give, it through the weekend and and and if it still hurts, I'm going to go Monday to to a doctor. But, you know, but podiatrists are like dentists. They're not real doctors

right?, Uh so, we we have to not we we got to beat Jelly. That's got to be the goal, right?

Yeah., I, mean,, [clears throat], it's, got to it's got to be like a war. Yeah.

It's, like, I, [snorts], was, rooting, for, him until he got skinnier than me. Exactly., Now, it's, like,, "Hey, man,, chill the, [ __ ], out., [clears throat]

Bro, you, know,, you, think,, hang, on,, I, wanna, I want to do a thought. I want to do a I did this drunk and I got and Leanne almost got mad at me." Okay get ready to clip this out, everyone. You're, going to, love, this, take. Jake Paul.

Mhm. Is should go down in history as a god. Jake Paul. I went to the Jake Paul fight.

Yeah. And, I'm, sitting, I'm, sitting, there., I, was sitting with Matt Refe, by the way. Probably the funnest guy to sit with. Yeah.

Cuz, you, forget you, forget, how, quick, comics, catch, each other, you know? Like you forget how the our our shortorthhand with each other happens so quickly. So, I'm sitting there and I'm sitting in this arena. It's sold out. Michael Irvin's sitting right next to Matt Refe. Uh, uh, Ricky Fowler's down there. I mean, the the place is packed with celebrities. Uh, I saw Cam, I saw Timberland. I mean, it's it's

packed, with, celebrities. And I'm looking in there and I go, this is, and I mean this respectfully, this is just Jake Paul. I'm looking at Michael Irvin who was given every gift by the Lord to be a physical specimen and uncompetable. I mean, you cannot compete with Michael Iran to this day. He is still in amazing shape at 60 years old.

Yeah. But, he, didn't, make, $90, million, in, a ring. That, was, incredible. And, and, I'm, looking, at, Joshua, Anthony. Joshua Anthony.

Anthony, Joshua. Same., Same. Yeah., He, doesn't, have, the, ability, he, does, not have the ability to make $90 million. He had to get Jake to get him to win, make $90 million. Before this, he wasn't making $90 million. And they both made $90 million. And Jake Paul, and I apologize if this is crash, is not an athlete. He's not

He, is, an, athlete. Okay., He's, But, no,, I'm, saying, I'm, saying when if if

coach, he, is, now, an, athlete, right?, But, never, in, life, did, anyone, pick him out like they did Michael Irving like they did Michael Vic and go, "This is what

he, created, something.", You're, right. He, created Yeah. He, created, that, is, willpower, and, that's what makes him a god is he created out of sheer willpower. If you are a guy thinking, "What the [ __ ] am I doing with my life?" look at Jake Paul and take a page out of his book because that kid created

something, out, of, absolutely, [ __ ] nothing. And then I look at Logan Paul who by the way is an amazing professional wrestler.

Yeah. And, I, look, at, Logan, Paul, and, I, go, "By, the, way,, good-looking, kid., Not, the best looking kid in this room

but, the, [ __ ], most, famous, person, in this goddamn arena. Holy [ __ ] They made something happen.

These, two, kids, are, the, American, dream. They are the American [ __ ] dream. And I will always

there's, going to, be, a, great, documentary about them. I, will, take, a, knee, to, them, for, the, rest of my life because they they are they are gods. The boys the Gen Z boys that [ __ ] rule the internet. My cousins. My cousins have me in a chat thread right now, but they muted me cuz I don't want to hear from boomers. So I can't respond. I can just read all their [ __ ] texts. [ __ ] [ __ ] And they and they are they are the red pill incelss, my cousins. And um and they were making fun of Jake Paul. And I want I want to [ __ ] talk to them and go, "Hey, listen, [ __ ] faces.

Jake and Logan Paul are better than any gene in our family. We [ __ ] should take a knee. You all need to [ __ ] take a knee to these two men."

They, did, something, really, impressive. You do have to give. Yes., For, I, agree., I, agree,, dude., Like, he made himself The kid can listen, Jake can box. He's not

an, elite, boxer,, but, he, is, he, is, a, like he has skills. But, what, he, did, do, brilliantly, was create the persona and and he understands something that all the the old school promoters understand, which is like you have to create drama, you have to create villains. Like people are more excited to watch somebody that they hate lose than they are to watch somebody that they love win. They want to see the loss. And he embraced that and he got it and then he was able to build this thing out out of nothing.

Out, of, nothing. Out, of, a, joke., They, thought, [ __ ], two YouTubers all fought.

It's, crazy., It's, crazy, what, he, did. It's, insane., I'm, sitting, in, this, arena going, "He created this." That's That's the thing that blows me away. He created this.

Um, he, created, this, and, and, I, and, I, thought to myself, I don't think I've performed in that arena. I don't think so. It's in Miami. I don't think I've ever done Miami. But like I thought to myself

was, it, the, arena, or, the, stadium? It, was, arena. So,, uh,, American, Airlines, arena., I, mean, no, that's Dallas. I don't know.

Whatever. But, I, thought, [clears throat], to, myself, and I don't mean this. No slide on Jake. Whatever. But I do the same size venues as this

but, I've, I've, it, took, me, 20, years, to work, 25 years to work to get there to bust my ass at an art form I'm pretty [ __ ] high level at. And and I and I think I I knew at a very young age that I was really talented at this. And that's what gave me f. He just did it out of nothing.

It's, pretty, crazy,, man. It's, insane., I, I, honestly, There, will, be a documentary. There will be there should be a class taught about the Paul brothers in college. In college freshman year. And you and I I I'm I'm telling you, I really believe it. They are as important to our country as Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, my, gosh., This, is, where, I, lost, Lean,, too., This, is where I lost Leanne, too. John F. Kennedy. They And Leanne goes, "You're talking about Jake Paul." And I was like, I know

but, he's, as, important, as, [ __ ], George Washington. Well,, they, will, use, this, in, the documentary, so good. Good for you on that. Um, don't forget, watch Free Bert which comes out

January, 22nd., Free, Bert., January, 22nd., I hope you like it. Uh,, uh,, my, special, teacher, is, streaming right now on Netflix. Please watch it. And um

Two, Bears, 5K, coming, your, way., Can't, tell you when, but you know when we created it. 5K by May.

There, you, go., All right., See, you, guys. Love, you., Love, you. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Berts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"?

Bert Kreischer (Host), Tom Segura (Host).

What is "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave" about?

The conversation centers around the humorous and candid experiences of individuals exploring virtual reality (VR) and its impact on personal relationships and experiences, including a notable first threesome facilitated by VR. The discussion touches on the immersive nature of VR, the potential for addiction, and the comedic complications that arise when engaging with technology in private…

What is mentioned in this YMH Studios episode?

17 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Michael Bert, James Leanne, Mjaro, Two Bears 5K, Jelly Roll, Shannon Sharp. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"?

The episode runs 1 h 2 min; the transcript is about 13,456 words in 308 timestamped sections.

More from YMH Studios

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.