AYG BEST of 2025! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 10:00: Brier Farms, Hogandas, Oceans Casino
2. 40:00 – 50:00: Kasamigos, Frankie and Johnny's
3. 1:20:00 – 1:26:52: Burger King

Notable quotes from "AYG BEST of 2025! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley"

• But if I had to a raspberry CREAM PIE FROM BRIER FARMS, GENTLEMEN, WHICH IS GREAT. It's a top-notch piece.

  about Brier Farms · at 1:36

• Shout out to everyone at Oceans Casino.

  about Oceans Casino · at 4:13

• So her husband also owns Kasamigos.

  about Kasamigos · at 40:34

• Okay. I used to argue, and I still will argue this, that the Burger King French toast was one of the most influential things I've ever had in my life.

  about Burger King · at 1:22:23

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Companies & orgs

• Burger King — Company · 4 mentions · first at 1:22:27
• Kasamigos — Company · 3 mentions · first at 40:34
• Brier Farms — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:38
• Oceans Casino — Company · 1 mention · first at 4:13
• Frankie and Johnny's — Company · 1 mention · first at 40:16
  Where were we at Frankie and Johnny's?
• Apple Inc. — Company · 1 mention
• Cold Stone Creamery — Company · 1 mention
• ECW — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

• Hogandas — Product · 1 mention · first at 1:56
  I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Hogandas. what is it? Raspberry cheesecake or what is it?

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. I want to talk about a dinner party.

0:21 Sure. I want to talk about uh two things. One, if you're having a dinner party, one, if you're going to a dinner party.

0:26 Interesting. What do you think it's appropriate to bring to a dinner party? What does a guy like you bring?

0:32 Uh, if I'm going, I'm usually bringing nothing. Let me tell you why. Here's the [ __ ] up thing. We talked to an etiquette coach. That's the right answer.

0:42 It is the right answer. Because here's the thing. I'm going to a lot of these dinners as look a local pig.

0:49 Sure. They're They're bringing me They have clipboards and white coats. They're bringing me to the dinner party as a local curiosity. An animal. An animal YOU'D POINT OUT ON a tour bus.

1:06 Everybody gets 10 minutes sitting next to you. For example, this is a local pig who we've brought in here and everybody kind of pets them and get the kids take a photo. The yak woman cancelled. So, so really I'm just a cur it's a curiosity. I'm a curiosity.

1:24 So, no one wants to the curiosity to show up with anything because here's the deal. When you go to a dinner party, I think that you're there to they they want to do their thing.

1:34 They don't want to do a potluck. No. But if I had to a raspberry CREAM PIE FROM BRIER FARMS,

1:40 GENTLEMEN, WHICH IS GREAT. It's a top-notch piece. They won't sponsor me. You've asked. I haven't asked, but we've, you know,

1:49 you plugged them enough, I'm sure. I wear their hat a lot of times. I've seen the hat. Yeah.

1:53 I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Hogandas. Uh, what is it? Raspberry cheesecake or what is it?

1:59 White chocolate raspberry truffle. Oh, man. Yeah. If I could turn back the clock on that.

2:04 It's a great flavor. Delicious. And it allows you to feel a little festive. Yes, it does.

2:10 There's something where you feel a little festive. I think an ice, you know, here's the way I look at life now. You got to have a little treat.

2:17 You do. You do. You got to have a little treat. And it has to be. He just said that in the kitchen. He grabbed a power bar. I need a little treat. I came out. He was

2:27 I saw it says cookie dough flavor and one gram of carb. I don't even know what these things mean anymore. One gram of this.

2:33 I wasn't out of the bathroom yet. I just heard him talking to himself going, I could use a little treat.

2:38 A little treat. Little pickme up. So, I think when you have the white chocolate raspberry trophy, go. It's a little treat. I'm not being a gluttonous pig. I'm having a little treat.

2:45 Yes. treat. That's the difference. White chocolate's good for you. It's a little treat.

2:48 It's a little treat. Now, have you been on the other side of that where you throw a dinner party? You know, I'm sure you put out great

2:54 host. Great host. We We got to this this the the infamous summer party. I had a caterer. We had a caterer. So, I hired

3:01 valet parking. We had valet parking. That's how classy this dirt bag can be. We hired this guy.

3:07 Six bucks a car, but it was a little bit. Yeah. [ __ ] whack me out. You charged me extra for the SUV. I we hired this guy, this Italian chef from Instagram. This guy doesn't show up. He goes, "I got food problems." He goes, "I got a stomach problems. I have food poisoning." A chef, by the way. Great.

3:22 Okay. This scumbag. So, this [snorts] piece of [ __ ] in the morning of the thing goes, "I can't show up." So, but then other people came and they did it. They did a great job.

3:29 Wow. I wouldn't have known there was hired uh Arthur and Sons. I remember. Yeah.

3:33 In conjunction with this guy and they killed it. Killed it. And I think this year we're going to do something different. Every year we did we did traditional summer food the first year. Then we did Italian food. Last year it was like Italian. This year I'm thinking something different. I don't know what it is.

3:48 At what point does this party get to the point where all you all all the rich people that you know are chasing Kevin and I around the yard and and we're greased up in Vaseline naked

3:57 cuz I have to say I mean there was like famous people like you know like f there was like we were talking to one guy he's like I'm a huge fan. We go oh cool thanks man nice to meet you. And he goes yeah my dad owns a casino. I was like, "How the fuck?" I go, he goes, "Yeah, I just met Timmy." I go, "What the fuck?"

4:13 Shout out to everyone at Oceans Casino. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. But we were, you know, I'm talking about. We were in the back, right, as dirt bags tend to do. We're we're we find a corner away from everybody where we can go catch you. He

4:25 hit you up for a butt. Yeah, you did. And you're a good host. You float around. You're doing well. And you always come back to your roots. You find the other fat pigs in the back.

4:34 Yeah. Yeah. Fine had a Fenie brought his own cooler of white claws. Finey, you forget.

4:40 We're back there cranking heater. You forget he's white trash until you see he's got a tattoo on his leg and it's not a good tattoo and you go, "Oh, you're a garbage." Like you forget how garbage he is until you see that tattoo on a leg.

4:50 Shin tattoo is a So, I don't know what we're going to do this year. I thought maybe sushi, but then that sits out in the sun. That not too good. That ain't good. That ain't good. So, I don't know what's a good theme this year for the food.

5:02 Interesting. That's pretty good because uh you know go all Greek, huh? Do some gyros.

5:09 Interesting. Like a Mediterranean thing. I don't know about that. That gets real sloppy.

5:12 Yeah, that doesn't that doesn't age as well. Everybody's smelling like tadziki.

5:17 Nobody's making out. Smells like a yellow. That gets real sloppy and heinous. What? You guys were in a single family home?

5:24 Yes. What? Like a single family? No. No. Parents together. Oh. Uh, yes. It was detached,

5:34 dude. Yeah, we were broke. So what? Yes. No, it was it was a standalone like a h a normal house.

5:43 It wasn't like a condo or a townhouse or an apartment. It was a just your family lived in it.

5:49 Yes. And Gerby's folds under questioning. Yes, he does. Well, no. I DIDN'T KNOW. I SINGLE FAMILY HOUSEHOLD. Is that what you said?

5:57 Single. Single family home is is a regular home is what describes the the dwelling.

6:03 I understand that. But how would you describe a single family? Single parent home.

6:06 Yeah. Single parent home. Full. And brothers and sisters? Older brother. One older brother. Yep.

6:13 How far apart are you guys? Two years. Two year. That's great. Okay. So you guys were together all through elementary school, high school, all that stuff. Yes.

6:20 Fantastic. What were what were the sports growing up? Baseball. Baseball. Yeah. Very. What position?

6:26 Well, I didn't make it that far. I got I got hit by a pitch to get a position. I missed the day they were handing out jerseys.

6:36 I got hit with a fly ball coming out of the dugout. That was it. Yeah. Well, no. So, I made So, I made it to kid pitch, but

6:45 that's like the majors. It was huge. And then my dad that scared me. Kid pitch as I was I was a very nervous fat kid and I was okay with T-ball and coach pitch even but that kid pitch

6:57 we didn't have coach pitch when I was a kid. I was playing against adults. Yeah. You went from T-ball right to kid pitch.

7:02 Oh really? Yeah. This is the early 80s. No kid pitch. And then my dad uh like got me a special helmet to protect my face. So it had like it had this like big plastic guard on it. So I couldn't really see that well at all.

7:16 You look like a Mandalorian out there playing. I did. So, uh, wait, why? Why did he Why? Why?

7:24 You had been hit. No, no, no. I, that was the first time that I got hit in the head because I was like a bobblehead with that thing on.

7:32 Uh, I think it was just generally like cautious about my health and wellbeing given that cuz I the arthritis was when I was two.

7:38 Got or blouse syndrome. I'm saying like the actual thing. Gotcha. So, you had that already. So, they wanted to be careful with it, right?

7:45 Gotcha. Were the kids brutal about that helmet? in school. Yeah. No. Did they tease you about the helmet?

7:51 No. Oh, the helmet. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay. Yeah. Well, I you know the story about like when I was in school like No, my everybody was nice except for like the kid with Down syndrome who was the one that picked on me.

8:06 Really? Yeah. Cuz I was like really short. My growth my growth was stunted and then

8:11 he he didn't you know he wasn't the nicest to you, right? But anyway, is this public school or private school?

8:18 Public. Public. Where did you go? Kosoga. Kosoga. Oh, I know. Kosoga. Okay. Very nice. So, hold on. So, so did you stop playing after kid pitch? Was that the end of the baseball?

8:28 I got two seasons in. You got two seasons in. I was actually, and this is a this is an ominous thing to say ahead of like throwing out a first pitch, but I was a decent pitcher because because I I threw so slow that it was like hard to time up.

8:41 Gosh. coming in is like Mhm. You're like rookie of the year. The floater at the end. They [ __ ] let him have it.

8:47 But I was decent. I could throw a strike. Yeah. All right. Huh. Is it garbage to put ketchup on a mashed potato?

8:53 No. No. I Yes, it is. I mean, I'm not saying it's not good on a baked potato. DEFINITELY NOT.

9:02 WHAT? I SAW MY I SAW MY UNCLE. You're saying it's not garbage. It's not garbage to put it on a baked potato.

9:06 I agree with that. You guys are out of your [ __ ] mind. What are you? A baked potato is an elevated form of a potato. A mashed potato. Listen, if you're getting

9:14 anything with bacon bits on it, you're getting at a steakhouse. You know what I mean? You're [ __ ] squirting some [ __ ]

9:20 Who gets a baked potato at a steakhouse? Classic. That's a classic double stuffed or something like that.

9:26 Twice baked. By the way, twice baked is the class. You can load it. No, once it's loaded, it's not classy.

9:33 I'll give you that. It's got It's classy when they give you a little [ __ ] tray and there's a little thing a little ramkin of chives, a little ramkin of butter and sour cream. That's class. That's a classy potato.

9:44 I think that dude to me it's like putting it in soup. It's like too much of a liquid to put on mashed potatoes.

9:49 Hold on. Let me explain some weird [ __ ] up Yeah. It's like change it changes the consistency of the food.

9:54 True. True. Let me explain myself. Garbage. Not garbage. I don't know about any of that.

9:59 It's garbage for I mean, first of all, you should. If you take a baked potato and you slice it into like almost like home fry pieces with the butter on it and hit it with a little ketchup, it's delicious.

10:09 Well, what we're talking about now though is you've transformed the form of the potato, right? Cuz what you've made it more of a a western fry. You've kind of put it in quarters and that you have met

10:23 That's fine. You have met the final potato boss. Fully listen fully. Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you to both leave the room.

10:30 Leave me and Mr. Hallel I slap him with a glove. Um, yeah. This I think we've said before, but it's like the Lincoln Douglas debates for fat guys. But a a baked potato when you slice it up and then especially if you slice it and then pop it back in to get a toast. You've essentially re uh categorized it as a fry, as a western fry.

10:54 Who said they were putting it back in? I'm just saying if you serve I like where you don't don't tell me you didn't shove up a little bit when you said that.

11:01 But if it is served as a baked potato we have baked potatoes.net gang. We have to have some kind of we have to have some kind of respect for each different form of potato.

11:10 I'll give you that. You know like are you putting [ __ ] ketchup on scalloped potatoes?

11:15 I would. No, I would. You can't do [ __ ] like that on match though. Okay, we'll stick with STICK WITH THE

11:21 HOLD ON. HOLD ON. LET LET ME PUT a Where are you where there's ketchup available and mashed potatoes at the same time? When is that on the table?

11:29 Or a diner. You're getting mashed potatoes at a diner. I love mashed potatoes at a diner.

11:34 See, this is really This is the reason it's absolutely garbage because mashed potatoes on their own are almost always garbage. You like teetering on the garbage.

11:43 Not good or trashy? No. No. You get like a whip mash at like a I love I sometimes at a diner I'll get a burger and get mashed instead of fries. That's too many cars.

11:52 That's so [ __ ] up. That's a lot. What's the difference? They're not fried. They're boiled.

11:56 You're What are you lubricating the burger down your throat? You want it to travel down your gullet?

12:01 Do you dip the burger in the mashed potatoes a little bit? I don't know who you've been talking to.

12:06 Cuz I use mashed potatoes as a as a co as a adhesive for the rest of my food on the plate.

12:12 Mhm. You get that on this fork and then you can you you dip around, collect everything.

12:16 But what Okay. A mashed potato, if it's ever going to be not trash, is an is a is a, you know, a side to something with a protein and a vegetable. And it should come with maybe a little See, that's the thing. If it's not going to be trash, it does come with some kind of sauce. Maybe an au, some other kind of dipping sauce. Sure.

12:36 But agreed. Once you take once you take the mashed potato and you take it to its lower forms,

12:42 boxed, for example, boxed mash, never not trash. doesn't exist even at a [ __ ] diner. Mashed potatoes

12:51 that the I would even say ketchup might be the dividing line to when mashed potatoes become trash or not.

12:58 Wow. Because if it's if it's [ __ ] up to even conceive of asking for ketchup at a place where they have mashed potatoes,

13:05 that's a classy mashed potato. But if if someone would bring you ketchup without a second thought,

13:11 it's trash 100%. Yeah. Now waiter is not going to go sir, please. The chef does not recommend it.

13:17 Yeah, exactly. He's going to be like, "Here you go. You need You want some mustard, too?

13:21 You want me to [ __ ] pour mayo down your throat, too? Who [ __ ] cares? I brought you some barbecue sauce."

13:25 Hey, Louis in the back wants to know if you want a job. Yeah, we're out of dumpsters.

13:34 So, you know, this is good. I'm glad we went through this thought again. Of course. All right. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. There was this one club that uh my brother would go to and he would get a bottle of vodka and if they didn't finish it, they would cork it for you and keep it. And I found out I would go

13:51 like store credit. Yeah. Just go, "Ah, you didn't finish it. We'll like put it in the back.

13:55 You mind if I come by at 12:00 a.m. 12:00 p.m. If I'm having a tough day at work,

13:59 you just come by with an orange juice. You top this all for me. Come back with all my coffee.

14:03 Come back the next week. There's a bunch of fruit flies in there." Yeah. Sorry. You know what? We had a real infestation. Uh, your bottle of Grey Goose looks just like a science experiment.

14:11 I got a half a bottle of Rumpleman's back there. Yeah, you guys see monkeys. You guys got that Bartons they put back there? Are you guys detailing silverware?

14:18 I've never heard of that. What? They cork it? Yeah, they cork it. Oh, the girl must hate you. I don't know.

14:24 Oh, the size that she lets out where you go, you know what? We're going to get out of here.

14:28 Dude, it's it's worse. It's worse than you think. So, my brother would go on Friday and I know I'd be like, "Oh, what' you do last night?" He's a guy we went over to wherever it was. Denim red, you know, whatever.

14:39 Whatever their name fusion. Yeah. We would he'd go, "Ah, yeah, we got a bottle or what?" I get word that he cked a bottle.

14:46 Oh, no. So, I would show up the next day. You would eat his leftovers. And he put on a lot of weight since last night.

14:52 Did they write your initials on? I knew I was I was like, "Hey, what's up?" And I knew them. I knew, "Hey, it's your brother left.

14:58 He's coming. He's coming back by and then you just kill it." They're just doing shots. You're just drinking in like a a menacing way. Your coat's still on. You're just sitting there. You go, no thanks. I brought a can of Coke myself. And they're like,

15:12 I got a can of vanilla. You go, I don't I don't have the tip on this, do I? And they go,

15:17 can I eat here? Yeah. You go, oh, thank God. Goes a hogy. You guys mind if I just pull up here at the bar?

15:24 What's the address? I'm getting some delivered. So funny. Hey, you guys mind? Uh Uber Eats is outside,

15:30 man. Holy [ __ ] Who's coming out in those sexy situations was always a bad look.

15:35 Dude, you just you pulling up to the bar full winter coat with just the Arizona with an Arizona.

15:45 You go. The green tea goes real good with cold vodka. Can you It's got Jins Singh in it.

15:49 I'm fighting off some. My doctor said I need more vitamins. This is like a This is like a cold hot totty. It's a cold totty.

15:59 Ah. Oh man, you stay. That's correct. Well, that was the end. I did not know clubs did that.

16:04 I think that place might have just cuz he was in there spending money. Yeah. Some places you can watch two men fight to the death.

16:09 Exactly. Same basement of that place. It was the basement of Pearl. You could see

16:14 there's a lot of a lot of things you could see uh behind closed doors. Uh no, that was that was the end of my early 20s was the end of that where you would get you would dress up business casual and go to the club.

16:25 Yeah, that's what I meant. That's when it was like we were in college and that's what you would do. I always felt better at a dive bar, but I had to my you know that's what the that's what the cool that's where the broads are going.

16:37 But it really is you see your personality when you go to one of those places. I

16:40 I would just sit there on the corner and like it's I hate I I genuinely hated how I felt there.

16:46 Me and my friends went to uh the friends all my friends I grew up with, we went to a trip all together for my friend's 30th birthday. So I was still like 29. Everyone's 29 or 30. And we go to Miami and we went to like the fountain blue and

16:59 I I did the same thing and they were like for my brother's bad. That's where they went

17:03 and they like waited in line and there were I think eight of us. You going to the pool or the club?

17:08 Well, the there everyone was trying to go to the club which Yeah, that's what it is.

17:12 It's the best. Uh they say it's the best. Uh man, my clubbing days are really coming up.

17:15 You really do know you were a promoter. What? He's like, "Do you got two girls you can bring with I can get you in?" Um, but we all waited in line like chumps. And then they were like, "We can have six of you go in." And there was eight of us. And I turned I just turned to my friend Zach, who also is now sober, you know, he works the steps. Uh, I turned to him and I was like, "Let's just go to the hotel bar. We'll just be right. We'll wait for you guys. We'll go to the hotel bar and drink." And we just went and got blackout drunk while they went to the club. We just sat there drinking. Like that's all I want to do.

17:45 Offduty cops. That's what you That's That's what I would rather do. My boys are over at the club. We're hanging here.

17:50 I go, it's uh it's [ __ ] dance time for the ladies when they want to come find in here showing off.

17:56 They want to shake their tail feather. We're going to be sitting here getting down to business.

18:00 I almost I I I got so drunk I almost threw up taking a shot. That's how drunk I got.

18:05 Oh, I've done that where you take it and you go I used to have a I used to have a move. I go, "Get me a piece of gum." Cuz the the it starts coming up. A gum cancels it out right away. And I would look at I would look at one of my friends and go, "Get me a piece of gum." And they knew they knew the pin was pulled and it was get out of the way. There's been multiple times I bet Finnegan's wake the one that really jumps out. I took a shot and was like nope. And I just threw up on the floor, walked out the door and just got in a cab and went home.

18:31 Good job, gentlemen. I did I did a similar thing at Playrights across the street from Carolines. Was drinking with Chay. I uh was already drunk. Showed up. Chay bought me I bought a Guinness and a shot of Jameson. Double shot. Took it. Felt it coming back up. Just casually walked away. walked downstairs like almost threw it in threw the throw up in the toilet where I was like like that came right back upstairs and drank my beer.

18:54 It's like you flushed the toilet. What was I talking about? Yeah, it really was where I go.

18:58 Anyways, I think the dollar is okay. You always had those bad. It just didn't sit well. Just it didn't go down.

19:04 I don't know what's going on with me. I know what's going on with you. You've had 18 drinks tonight. Yeah,

19:08 dude. I've ordered down the wrong down the wrong pipe. Gang, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yep.

19:12 As you know, the holiday season can be tough mentally. a lot of stuff going on, you get tired, you don't get a lot of sleep, things could start popping up. And listen, whether you got big or small things going on, take your mental health journey seriously and start with Better Help. Kevin and I are both in talk therapy [snorts] and we started with Better Help and they're absolutely fantastic.

19:31 Yes, this is a time of year, listen, everybody knows the traditional ones, screw balls,

19:35 it's dark out, it's tough, this, that, the other thing. Money, stresses, the whole nine yards. Also,

19:41 you're spend a lot of time with your family. Maybe that ain't great. Also, maybe you're not spending a lot of time with your family, and that ain't great. Either way, talk uh talk therapy is a fantastic tool to help you through the hard times. It's not you don't got to sign up and do it forever. Just get it get involved. Use it as a crutch, as a tool to get through. Share your family traditions for the holiday or one that you like to create. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Forget the other people. Take care of you. Our listeners,

20:09 put your mask on first. Our listeners, yes, our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com/garbage. That's betterhel.h hellp.com/garbage. Do it.

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21:56 Do it. Were you stealing? I feel like you were stealing. I did start stealing. Yeah, I could tell.

22:01 Were you setting things on fire a lot, huh? Did you like to burn frogs, Christina?

22:06 I loved fire and my dad would go to sleep and I would just play with the fire. Flames dance.

22:12 Where? In his house. Like a fireplace. Yeah, we had a fireplace and he'd go to sleep and I would just stay up and like throw [ __ ] in the fire. I know.

22:20 I would have set you away if I came down in the middle of the night. You were sitting there worshiping fire. No, thank you.

22:27 Any vacations? Would you guys go anywhere? Yes. So that's a cool part of my parents is I would say because they were Europeans that we traveled very extensively and I got a really nice education like like now that I think about it. Okay. So my dad would take me to club med with him.

22:45 Wait, that's not educational. That's an education in swinging. That's what that is.

22:51 That's one step below hedenism. It's crazy. I know. And I didn't realize it until later. NEVER do shot before dinner. Okay.

23:02 That's what he would tell me. Yeah. He's like, "Always eat before you drink. This way you can drink without throwing up." And I was like, "Okay, Dad.

23:08 These broads will never know what hit them." Wait, hold on. Would you Yeah. Did you ever go back to Europe as a vacation

23:17 later? I like how you're like, "Yeah, as well travel. We did Key West. So, a couple carnival cruises."

23:23 Uh, Martineique. No. So, so we did go to Club Meds in like Mexico every I go to Mexico a lot every summer with my dad.

23:29 He probably loved that. For some reason, I love that he was living like that going through all that [ __ ] Think of how much he appreciated that tight little bathing suit, bunch of hot frogs down at Club Med, man. Hairy ass chest, I assume.

23:42 I mean, while she's like fending for You're like, "This dude's crushing ass. He's traveling." Meanwhile, she's like at a hotel. She has a pyromania problem developing.

23:54 She's stealing. She's clearly acting out. He's living his life. The Indian guy who knows where he is.

24:00 Your dad took you to club which So I did research it. [clears throat] It did start off as a French

24:07 uh sex resort essentially. I didn't realize that. I just thought it was like this fun.

24:11 Wasn't a Dave and Busters. I can tell you that. Like French. It was all in French. And I got to hang out with other like like European

24:18 Yeah. other [ __ ] up kids. [ __ ] up kids. And we'd run around the village. So they call them the village. And I I don't know how by the grace of God like I did not get kidnapped or

24:28 abducted, molested. So like I don't I think I was like my mother was so vigilant about like you don't talk to anybody. Everybody's out to get you. So I was very like

24:38 I don't know sturdy, you know. Well that's I mean when you have to learn to fend for yourself it's like you grow up you have your heads on a swivel of like

24:46 hyper vigilance is what my therapist Did you guys have that too? Are you guys as traumatized as me?

24:52 Yeah, he But for I wasn't at club med with my dad but it was more psychological.

24:58 Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, it gets worse. So then he would take me to bars and nightclubs with him in the States when I'm in third grade. Like on

25:03 third grade. School nights. Yeah. Holy [ __ ] School? Wait. School nights? Yeah.

25:08 This guy cares about American education system. Are you nuts? How were your grades? Were you a good student?

25:14 No. How can you be when you're There's no home. There's no stat, you know. He's not like, "Did you do your homework, Christina?" You know what I mean?

25:20 He doesn't even know what that is. Are you crazy? We uh we would go to this bar in the valley called the Beef and Barrel.

25:28 That's a good name. I would like to spend some time at the be were you like the bar kid where everybody's, "Oh, Christina, there she and they go over, they go, "Here, put the give you like $2. I save this for you. Go buy yourself candy." Yes. Meanwhile, you're stealing their wallet. They don't

25:43 What would a typical dinner be at a bar like that? Some mozzarella sticks, some chicken fingers. Oh, and and gosh, yes. And I think that those years really set me up to be a great like to be a stand-up comedian, like to enjoy that that dinginess of that night.

25:56 I I it's like I walk into a dive bar and it's like I can tell right away if the if if the Coke's good. Not the not the drugs.

26:04 Did you grow up in bars? Grew up in hanging out in bars, eating chicken fingers at the bar, playing the photo hunt. My dad Well, I mean, my whole family's alcoholic.

26:10 So am I. I'm not I'm not I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just who we are.

26:14 Yeah. Yeah, just Irish construction drunk construction workers. Yeah, I just I stopped drinking alcohol after I I like 60 days ago. I It's horrible. But anyway, the point is uh Okay, Beef and Barrel. I have the best memories of it though because it was the 80s and the music was amazing. So, everybody's like, "The '8s were the best." I'm like, "Yes, they were. It was Duran Duran. It was Lionel Richie. It was Frankie Goes to Hollywood. It was, you know, and I'm and I have this great memory of dancing with sailors. There were sailors in their outfits. What?

26:44 Wait, wait, wait. In third grade. Third grade. They had just come off whatever break and they were on the dance floor with me and they were like, I'm this novelty on this little girl.

26:54 Yeah. Go, it's fun. We're dancing. You know, we're having a good time. Yeah. So fun. And at one point it's like a wedding.

26:59 It was so Yeah, exactly. It was Mooney Mooney. You know that song by Billy Idol [snorts] and sailors. Yeah. They there's a a thing where they go, "Hey, [ __ ] get laid. Get fucked." Like you sing it in between. I remember being like, "What's this new poem?" And I And I remember chanting it with them. Hey [ __ ] get laid. Get [ __ ] And I was like, my life couldn't get any better. Like this is the height of cool.

27:23 Amazing, dude. And then I'd go to school the next day. I went to a nice Lutheran school. And like, how do you explain to other kids that you chanted with sailors?

27:32 Yeah. They were home watching the A team last night. Yeah. [ __ ] dorks. So you weren't good in school. What was the sports situation? Did you Did you play?

27:41 I played Yeah, I played sports growing up. Uh base, you know, baseball was probably the most consistent. Uh played till I was 13 and then uh after like after about that, I played basketball, but I got cut every year from my high school basketball team.

27:56 Okay. So, it's got tenacity though. It keeps going back. Keep going back. I played for my church.

28:01 Okay. Church had a basketball team. Yeah, church had a basketball team. Uh yeah, there's church basketball was like kind of a thing.

28:08 Oh, I know what you mean. like CIO League or that that's what we have called Catholic Youth League. Okay.

28:14 Oh yeah. Yeah. Ours was Nashville Baptist Association. There you go. The NBA and Pretty good.

28:21 We Yeah. I I played church. I was graded in church. You were good on that team?

28:26 Yeah. Okay. I should have made the team at some point in my high school. I think at least one year I should have got thrown a bone bone. First year uh my dad was the assistant coach. Still did not make cut me. That's a cutthroat clown right there.

28:39 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't mess around. Cut your dad. Cut you. That's crazy.

28:45 And then after So then after that, the coaches kept the tradition and then cut me the rest of the

28:49 So you would go home after school and then he would come home a couple hours later from basketball practice.

28:53 Got a big trophy. Got a big trophy in his hand. Yeah. Yeah. Here. Here's what you know, fun little thing though. I'll tell you. Uh I gave my high because my high school is my only alumni. So, I gave my high school money and my name is on the court now. So, are you kidding me?

29:11 That's a bowler move. So, we're we're in there. Is it Wait, is it is it the Nate Bargeti basketball courts? So, over at uh Baretti Courts.

29:21 Wait, we've had a lot of We've had a lot of people coming in and do a lot of cool things. That might be the coolest thing I've heard.

29:27 And how big how small of a town are we talking? What did you graduate with? How many kids?

29:31 So, I went I graduated 56. What? And it's a very small. You didn't make the basketball team. That's crazy. That's nuts. Half of them are girls.

29:44 More than half statistically. Yeah, but they were good. They were good. That makes it sound worse.

29:53 Sky hooks all day. I never thought about how bad it was, man. Yeah, you guys tough, man.

30:01 I'm going to say a couple hundred. 56. Man, that is vicious. Are you double teeing?

30:10 That's one. That's one te which is very trashy. You have a dicky tea on. That might be the trashiest thing you do. What the hell?

30:17 That's for kids, dude. It is. Is that reversible, too? It can be. Yeah. Listen, I saw I clocked that to second and I was like, "No way am I bringing that up. You got some balls, Chubby. That's the goddamn balls." What time are school pictures? Huh?

30:34 I I apologize for super trashy, right? It's probably an expensive shirt, though.

30:39 It's so expensive. These rich guys don't KNOW WHAT THE [ __ ] THEY'RE HOW MUCH WAS that shirt?

30:45 I don't remember. I REALLY DON'T. COUPLE HUNDRED. YEAH, probably a few hundred bucks.

30:49 Yeah. Yeah. Now, what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out? Are you Do you have a stylist?

30:54 You're who I want to be. I look at you and I go, you are not. I know. Trust me, I know. But I got you you you went bald white quite well. You got the good facial hair. You trimmed up. I That's what I'm trying to do. But I'm I'm leaning more towards this way.

31:07 I have been farting so much. What? Here? Well, no. I went in there just to fart. Gentlemen, it was likeful. It was like a 15-second fart, though.

31:14 Okay. I think it's all the the protein bars I'm eating. They really let you rip ass. These goddamn barb bills will get you.

31:21 I'm just I'm [ __ ] turning down things I want to eat. That's it, dude. That's the only way I

31:26 That's how you do it, dude. That's And here's the thing. And it's not great. It's just like I'm I think I still live with hope. Do you do that where like you'll be like, "Oh, I'll look like this one day." And I

31:37 Yeah. No, you're Dude, you're my goal. Yeah, YOU'RE IN THERE. WHAT do you mean?

31:41 It's not a great goal. Are you not where you want to be? From my side of the fence. What? What? You want to disappear?

31:48 No, I think I But I mean, you kind of want to like tighten up. Yeah. A tight guy. How old are you?

31:53 I just turned 46. 46? No kidding. Yeah. Most people, by the way, I did I remember this from just like a couple weeks ago, I did I did MSG.

32:02 Yeah, I know. Yeah. And and and uh Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager, of course,

32:08 comes over. We have a dinner afterwards. And this is so funny to me, but he's like he goes, I was, you know, he's like, "Congrat, it's a big night. You're MSG. It's a huge deal." He goes, "Guess when the um Beasty Boys first did MSG." I was like, "Oh, that's good trivia." I was like, "Uh, I don't know him." He's like, "We'll take a guess." I was like, "90?"

32:28 Probably 2006 or something. No, 84. Whoa. 84. And then he goes, then the next thing he goes, and so he goes, "So you're 52?" And I go, "What?" He goes, "You're 52." Like that. Like you're 52. And I go, "I'm 45."

32:43 Uhhuh. He goes, "Oh." Oh, okay. Well, forget I brought it up. He's like, "Just so you were like 5 years old." I go, "Wait a minute. How why did you think I was 52?" I just looked at you. I was like, everybody always has it. Since I was 17 has been like, when I was 17, I didn't even have to get a fake. I had a fake ID, but I would walk in and they'd be like, "What do you want?"

33:04 Just like this. I look like this. People were like 27. I'm like, "I'm 17 years old." And it's never changed.

33:10 Well, you carry yourself of the vibe sometimes. I'm a guy who's over it. Like you like you're s like you're 55.

33:17 Yeah. Yeah. That's what I get a lot. I'm 49 and I always thought you were older than me. you. And I would 100% guess that you're younger than me. Like I would

33:24 really I would never assume that you're older than me. Huh. You carry yourself in a fatherly man's man type of way.

33:32 It's a double T kind of way. Minus the double T. It's the double T. You have a nice jacket out there covering the double T.

33:39 I did have a jacket on. That's right. You look sharp in your jackets and stuff.

33:42 Thanks, man. Thank you. Not that you don't look sharp now. No, I appreciate that.

33:45 I don't know why you think you're offended. You look sharp. Not that you know I would like to disrespect you after I made fun of your little boy t-shirt.

33:57 You got your whole pants on you. I should I should I should have a whole pass. I hear the sex is better than ever.

34:05 Well, the sex is better than ever because Yanni, my wife, lost the weight. Yanni's weighing in at 196 now. It's the first time I see my lady. First time I see my lady under two hundo parents.

34:15 Yanni, you did come in really first day of school in it. You got the new boots on.

34:19 That's a That's a guy whose wife dressed him. He put on your boots. He's got his brand new car boots on. Ain't never seen me outside.

34:26 You know what I You know what I really um I really don't like now about this era is every person asks me, "Are you doing something?"

34:34 Oh, it's just everyone. What are you on it naturally? It's like Yeah. And then you say, "No, I'm just on repressed childhood memories. That's what I'm eating."

34:44 I just It's all It's called depression. It's called depression. They don't know the value of an old weight bench in the garage. Cranking it out to some blue oyster cult.

34:53 Now, you know, the problem is my the ceiling in my garage is too low. So, I can't get a treadmill or else I I'd go through the

34:59 I think that's a garage. I was going to say, what is it for? It's only for convertibles.

35:04 Yeah. Unfortunately, my garage is a little bit of a problem. It's got low ceilings.

35:08 Why don't you get a lift for the garage? Why don't we raise the ceiling? Raise the roof.

35:12 That doesn't make any sense. How do you get the car in there? the car when I pop the hood, I have to control the pop so it doesn't hit the I got to open it by hand. What? SO IF YOU HAD BUT so if you had like an SUV, you can't get one in there.

35:25 You can't get one in there. Is it a drop ceiling? It's a No, it's not even a drop ceiling. It's just when they built it, it was just I guess it was built for Chinese,

35:32 right? Previous. Is it connected to the house or a detached garage? Stand alone.

35:36 It's underneath. It's underneath. Okay. On a hill. I'm not on a hill. He's on a hill. That's what he's suburb. Yeah. Yeah.

35:43 That's a kid who should have been in construction. Yeah. Wait, hold on. It's underneath It's underneath the house. It's

35:48 underneath the house. Underneath the floor of the house. Yeah. So, you go down his driveway.

35:52 Yeah. You have one of those. We got a nice clean coat of white that's covering up the all the imperfections. So, it looks like a finished

36:00 Wait, you have a driveway that goes down? The driveway goes down the hill. Whoa.

36:04 Down the hill. So, old school Queens Brooklyn. Yeah. That's where they killed Joe Peshy in Good

36:09 right there. Throw him down. Yeah. I just I'm not interested in a house for me the garage.

36:14 You're renting again. I'm renting again. This kid's all I He calls me. I buy a house. We start talking. How's the house going? I go, great. He goes, "Best decision you can ever make." Next text right away goes, "I sold my house. I'M I'M GOING BACK."

36:25 HE'S GOT TWO roommates again. I said, "Listen, the the mortgage rates are the lowest there ever been in history. I bought during that time." I said, "Let me wait till they triple, then I'm going to sell." And that's what I did. And that's what I did because I like a little bit of the chaos. And it's a and it's a regrettable decision. But I will tell you this is I've looked I've been trying to look at a couple of houses again and I'm just listen anyone on Zillow, anyone listening to me, any real estate agents that I may or may not hire cuz I'm always firing them and hiring them. I'm not looking for houses with detached garages. I need the garage attached to the house cuz that's where I put the gym.

36:56 I don't pull my car into the garage. I put my gym equipment in the garage and I leave the car outside the garage and I just wipe the [ __ ] snow off like an American.

37:05 Yeah, that's actually that's an American way to do it. Did you Did you you made a few bucks on the house? The Staten Island House.

37:11 I made a few bucks on the house. But if you consider breaking even, making a few Yes. Well, I was going to say if you if you consider a few if you if you consider making a FEW BUCKS,

37:19 WHICH I DO, RIGHT? If you consider making a few bucks, meaning $4, then yes, that's because I I I completely renovated the entire kitchen and bathrooms and then you baby I sold it a month later.

37:30 You never got into when you were going to uh make the pool all one level. No, I did do that as well. Yes. And then now he turned he turned his pool into a coin pond.

37:39 He spent a couple coins on renovating it for the nice family who bought it. Yeah. And then and then the beautiful Palestinian family that bought it, they are enjoying a a nice new home.

37:48 That's good. You're a good guy now. Well, that's what I said. I said, you know, and that's the one way I'm helping with the war here. It, you know, is I gave the Palestinians a home on Staten Island and then but I also, you know, I got

37:58 with a twoft pool. Yeah. I gave the Palestinians my house and I gave the my Jewish accountant the money transaction. So I helped both sides. That's why we've been on the horn with Netanyahu trying to figure out how to get it back. Yes.

38:10 Yes. Netanyahu. Netanyahu. You said that like AI. He made sound like he's an Apache.

38:15 Yeah. And I don't know why his face isn't on chocolate drink bottles and and they're calling him Net and Yoooo. I don't know why they're not doing that cuz every time I hear that guy's name, it makes me think of a [ __ ] Yohoo. And I think they should combine the marketing.

38:25 Yeah. Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying. I just [ __ ] my pants. What happened at the garage?

38:36 Hey, how are you? Do you guys have a bathroom? You saw that, huh? I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of these things?

38:42 These are dangerous places. Are those the shorts you were wearing? Unfortunately, they are.

38:50 Dude, that's [ __ ] disgusting. Hang on. Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you were.

38:58 It didn't go through. No, dude. That's insane. I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer, what you may know as the upper atmosphere. It stayed within the molten core of the butt cheeks. The underwear, on the other hand,

39:14 didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality. Of course.

39:23 I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. There's an old street joke of uh a guy's trapped down on uh Desert Island with Cindy Crawford and they have sex for like two years. It's awesome. And then finally at like the end of two years, she's like, "You know, we've done everything. What do you want me to do now?" And he goes, "Hey, put this mustache on." She puts the mustache on. He goes, "Guess who I'm fucking."

39:50 I never heard that one. That's pretty good. We saw Cindy Crawford. Go ahead. You guys use that. Oh, yeah. We saw

39:55 We ruined her dinner. We ruined her dinner. We ruined her dinner in LA. What? FULLY EAT IT. SKINNY BROAD. You're not going to finish that. That's that bread stick's got my name on it.

40:06 What happened? I mean, she was the one. And you know what's so funny? I'm such an idiot. And we had been drinking. We were like day drinking and we went out to dinner. Luke's Luke's a cool young guy. He picked a cool young spot.

40:16 Where were we at Frankie and Johnny's? Marvin. Marvin's out there. And uh La La Land. Hollywood. Goddamn Hollywood.

40:22 Hollywood. We got you got to show face a little bit. You know what I mean? Town.

40:25 And uh I was pretty [ __ ] up. And they were sitting right behind. We were like bumping and it was just a bad scene. Like we were like, you know,

40:31 was her, her daughter, her husband AND AUSTIN BUTLER. WOO. So her husband also owns Kasamigos.

40:37 Uh I did not know that. Yeah. Her son her daughter is also a famous supermodel Gerber.

40:43 Pete Davidson. Yeah. Really? They were they had a little fling, man. I love him.

40:48 Oh yeah. I want to smell that hog. I love him. That's all right. Yeah. I got a I got a thing with Gerber, too.

40:56 He's hot. HE DOESN'T LIKE HIM. OH [ __ ] THIS IS THIS MY THIS IS my room. We might not be able to get a table at Morvin's ever again. You start talking [ __ ] What's wrong you? You prefer burger.

41:07 Randy Burger. Wait, what's up with you and Gerber? Nothing. I don't even know the guy.

41:13 He just doesn't like the advertisements and he doesn't like that he's that close to George Clooney. Yeah,

41:18 he wants to be friends with Clooney. We all do. Cuz the Kasamigos got started. They they were so rich and so cool that

41:26 it turns they they bought vacation homes in Mexico and they kept saying they couldn't find a smooth TEQUILA IN MEXICO. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

41:36 That's hilarious. That's like not being able to find [ __ ] Coke in Colombia. What are you lying?

41:40 What you got? You got a bad hookup. Is he the guy on the other guy? I always wonder who the [ __ ] THAT WAS.

41:48 HE'S A HUGE RESTAURANT TOUR. YEAH, he's a hunk, dude. Hunk. Yeah, he kicked the [ __ ] out of me, too.

41:53 But they they came up with Kasamigos just for their friends. Wow. For friends house. Yeah.

42:01 The story is that they made a big order and the order was so big that they had to like get a license if they were making that big of an order in bottles. Like they ordered like a thousand bottles. So they were like, "Oh, let's just sell it to the public. It's [ __ ] billion dollars." They sold it for

42:15 a billion. I heard he gave 14 friends a million each. Yeah. Uh, that's not too shabby.

42:21 Not too shabby. I don't get any ideas. What? Giving out a million. Poor Osos, man. Uh, just poor

42:28 gentleman. We uh, but I I saw Cindy. I walked back from the bathroom pretty [ __ ] up and like I see her and I literally in my head I went that's a good looking older broad. That's all she read. At one point I was like in love with her. She was the hottest girl in the world and that's how stupid I was. That's a pretty good looking older broad. That's what she registered as. She's gorgeous.

42:44 Still looking good. Hanging in there real good. Yeah, we ruined their dinner. [ __ ] LAUGHING TALKING. YEAH. One other bottle of water just like you know it was

42:55 I will say Cosmo is not the best tequila. It's like a weird taste to it. Weird. It's got that vanilla taste and the hangover is brutal and everybody uses it. That's the [ __ ] that's the go-to now.

43:06 They got in as the tequila somehow. Crazy. Yeah. I like a Don Julio [ __ ] uh 1942.

43:14 I'm a vga cat man myself. Just saying. Just saying. Hey, WE GOT IT ON THE SHELF back there.

43:18 Hey. Oh, you got the old bottle. That's a vintage. Well, give me a new one. Got it, Fatty. I'll send it right over.

43:25 Charge me for it. Oh [ __ ] Yeah, I thought that was understood. Shipping and handling. How you going to start? How you going to start the car?

43:34 Well, wholesale prices? This is good garbage. Uh I went to uh Becky's wedding. Mhm.

43:41 And uh down in Florida, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I've lost weight and I Great. Thank you, man. And I know I know that. So, I told uh Christine was meet me down there and I go, "Hey, can you just bring like one of my black pairs of dress pants and black shirt and black shirt?"

43:59 That's real bad if you don't know the wardrobe. Well, they're all the same size. It doesn't matter. I was like I was like and they're going to be a little big on me. So, I was like, you know, make sure you bring a belt. I got a belt.

44:07 That's even sweeter. People are complimenting you. It's baggy, huh? Sure. Yeah. Uh, except I was even thinking to myself, I'm like, I go, maybe this is a tuck the shirt in situation.

44:17 That's what you're thinking. Maybe has that's been a while for you. When was the last time you tucked the shirt in?

44:21 Quite some time. It's been quite some time. 15, 20 years. It's been a long time. I mean, where I've Yeah. My wedding.

44:28 Uh, that's pretty good, though. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's it's a long time ago, but uh so I was like, maybe I'll tuck my shirt in. And then when I'm putting the clothes on, first thing I put the uh I go to pull the pants up or the shirt already looks hilarious on me. It's so wide is what looks so funny on it. So it's like

44:46 it looks like I'm wearing my dad's shirt. Sure. And then uh I go to put the pants on. When I I mean when I pull them up, they're not touching my body at all.

44:54 Yeah. Whoa. And I was like, "Shit." I was like, "Well, thank god I have a belt." When I go to put the belt on, it's suspender pants. There's no belt.

45:02 There's no loops. There's no loops. I'm finding this out 30 minutes before we're supposed to be a wedding.

45:07 Did you have suspenders on you? Nope. Why would you? What I had was a carrot top.

45:12 Robin Williams. Are you doing your Gallagher bits anymore? What I had was that belt that then became I wore it. I left the shirt untucked.

45:23 Okay. And I put the belt around the pants like a like a hillbilly with a rope keeping up his jeans.

45:28 And then flipped them over. Yeah. Whoa. and then had to go like and everyone's going, "Hey man, why aren't you dancing?" Like, "I can't dance."

45:36 Jay, we know you love to dance. Why are you not out there on the dance floor? I have a song in my heart. I'd love to move my body, but I can't tonight.

45:42 They would have fell. I'm only doing every time I moved around, I felt like it was starting to like come through like the You have to like pull it back up.

45:49 You got your heart-shaped boxers on. Why aren't you dancing? I don't want to dance.

45:53 It's stupid. Just sitting there with your jacket still on. That's what So that's a lot of weight loss. Have you I mean those fit, right?

46:01 Yeah. Yeah, those are new. Yeah. 36. Get the [ __ ] out of here. What size shirt you doing? XL 2X. What do you

46:08 Yeah. Yeah. XL. 36. Goddamn [ __ ] supermodel. It's under the belly still gentleman.

46:17 That's okay. Who do you think I am? Matt Damon or something? It's not even a great example. Matt,

46:24 I wish I could get down to Matt Damon size. We bought a zoo. Matt Damon. I ever tell you that I had surgery.

46:31 I'm no Vincent Denafhrio. You'll appreciate this. I had surgery. Middle like middle range bodies. He goes, "What am I [ __ ] Michael Rapaort over here?" Thinking I'm going to [ __ ] buy an extra-L large shirt.

46:46 I had surgery on my arm and my and my hand and I couldn't button my my They were jean shorts. I vividly remember it was September. I wore jean shorts to the hospital.

46:55 Nice. And so I had to wear I should have worn like go in the way you want to go out slide you right into the casket if it don't work out.

47:01 We have we have Saboo from ECW coming on Skanks tonight. And I was I watch so I watched the documentary about ECW again. I've watched a long time ago and I was like oh that's what it was. That's was why it was my time. The late 90s dude jean shorts ruled the world. Everybody cool was wearing jean shorts. And I even let go of that.

47:19 Yeah. It's funny cuz even dads were wearing them and it's still they they lived in separate, you know, lanes.

47:25 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's about a 3 inch 4 inch inseam between father and ghost face killer.

47:31 It really is. It's interesting. Yeah. But I had to have my mom cuz you know, you're a bigger guy. Jeans are typically tighter on you. You know what I mean? And uh

47:40 I had to have her button them. And I remember she was like didn't had never buttoned pants with on somebody with a gut, let let alone her 12-year-old little sweet boy. And she was like, "Do you go above it or under it?" I'm like, "Just [ __ ] DO IT."

47:56 SHE SHUT UP. YOU KNOW, MY MOM GOT the job at Casual Male Big and Tall so she could afford fat clothes for her son. She was regional manager. She worked her way up the ranks at Casual Male Big and Tall. She brought that up the other day again. I was like, "Keep you in Tommy Kept you in Tommy Bahamas all through high school." Well, my mom called me the other day and goes, "Uh, this is such a funny thing." She goes, "I remember when I was younger, um, when I worked at, uh, she was, me and my friend Janine went out to a club and at like 4:15 in the morning, we uh, we got the idea when we left the after hours and we got the idea drunkenly like, let's drive to the corporate offices of our job in Boston." And she goes, "So, we started driving right then to Boston." She we only got as far as New York though and then we just kind of like bad idea. And we just we just and we just slept in a

48:42 we slept in a parking lot and went home. And I was like, "Corporate offices for what company?" And she goes, "Uh, Big and Tall, Cash Mail, Big and Tall." Like, this is when I was alive. Like, yeah, you were nine. You were home.

48:54 I was like, "Where was I?" She goes, "With your mom." I'm like, "That makes sense."

48:56 You were at Bubba's house. I was at my mom's. Oh, man. That's a But my mom It's like, "Damn, is that what you were doing in your downtime?"

49:02 What were they gonna do? Trash till 4:15. I don't know. Like storm the [ __ ] place.

49:07 Fight Club. Janines are always hot. My mom was a manager of a retail place, so it was just hot. Young girls were our friends. It was great. It is funny now watching them all age though.

49:17 I saw Janine not long ago. They came to my show in Philly. My mom brought her and I was like, you see, you're like, "Holy [ __ ] you feel terrible." Cuz I'm I'm She's like She goes, "Oh my god, look at you. You look great." And you're like, "Bam, you are look so much not as great as when I remember you. You were so young and hot when I remember you."

49:34 What happened? That's funny. My mom's friends watching him get like obese through the years.

49:39 Then when I was younger, I was like, damn, she's got the best tit smoking. Yeah. And now you're like, she walks with a [ __ ] uh something that has like a [ __ ] tennis ball in the bottom of it.

49:48 She's she's got the four thing the the fourpoint cane. Four cane. She has an elbow pad and like that carpal tunnel hand wrap,

49:56 buddy. That is the sign. The girl any lady who's always got a [ __ ] bowling wristard. Yeah, dude.

50:03 It's like, what have you done in your life? Woo! Throwing turkeys. That's a lot of hand jobs.

50:07 If you meet a girl at a bar at this point and [ __ ] her that night, you're definitely going to hear the sound of that velcro.

50:14 You got to slide it off. It's got that sweat on it. Little clammy. It's gy inside.

50:21 It's warm. It's It's like 10° warmer. You see her forearm hairs matted down. Were you a good student growing up? And how was the household growing up? you, your mom, your dad, and your brother.

50:34 Quiet sub uh what you would mean by suburban neighborhood, right? I think I was I was a I was not a good student until I got put in the they put me in the school that my dad was a teacher and then he was [snorts] so

50:47 Sometimes your dad's a teacher and kids get away with everything because their their parents can pull some levers and

50:53 man, I got spat on by one boy whose mother was not even a teacher. She was like an assistant teacher and I we couldn't I couldn't do anything. I got in trouble for what he spit on you for

51:04 probably heard your dad's a There was some of that. There was some of that. I was I was giving him a bit of the chat. I was I was

51:10 sipping it with that. I got into too many fights. I got into too many fights. Well, I started out with some fist fights and wasn't very good. And uh I'm ashamed I'm No, I'm ashamed to say I

51:21 I kicked the boy in the testicles. First time was an accident, but people were afraid of me after that. And so I became your move.

51:27 I did it twice. I did it three times. I was like stone cold. Literally in 6 months I kicked three boys in it ain't broke don't fix it.

51:35 And then people were afraid of me. Not in a good way. Not like he's so tough. It's like stay away. You can't. He's got a problem.

51:42 I kicked the boy in the That's the I kicked the boy in the Yes. He's a good friend now. Hey Nick,

51:47 sorry you can't have kids. No, Nicki Sopranos. I believe I believe he's he's brought children into this world with one child.

51:55 There you go. But I do remember he vomited up the stairs as he was walking away. some trail. I feel very bad about it now.

52:01 Why did you kick him? I wasn't that always the way. Who can remember? That's the move.

52:07 No, I shouldn't have done it. Take us away. I had a late puke. I was the smallest boy by a lot.

52:12 How late? I was the oldest soprano the boys choir ever had. It was late. It was like what you would say I was I would have been 16 when my voice broke.

52:23 Okay. Yes. Were you in the choir for real or no? Yeah. What were the what were the extracurricular activities?

52:30 I did them all. Did you play nut? No, I squeezed in the nut dumping between I did debating. I did chess. I did

52:39 I tried all the normal sports and was [ __ ] at them. So, I started doing the ones that

52:42 the obscure things. Did squash? Squash and bait. What is squash? Exactly. It's tennis but really dull and the Saudis love it.

52:51 Okay. What' you do in Philly? Any of the old haunts? Did you go around? You get any good food? What's a guy like you? You, you know, you're headlining a nice weekend down there.

52:59 That shout out. Go hand out flyers or something. What' you do? It was It was awesome.

53:03 He's barking. Packed it out. Hey, we're big fans of packing it out. Packing it out. It's not sold out, but it's packed out.

53:12 Not so close to sold out. Punch line. Close post feature and headliner. Oh, me save a little money.

53:19 You got more money. Uh, I commuted. I'll bring myself. I commuted from my mother's house in Delaware. I kept the travel by office.

53:26 Did you really? No. I stayed at the hotel. The only guy to ask to pick up a waiting table station while he's working.

53:32 Hey guys, my features up. I can do some food running. I just want 15% all gratuitity.

53:39 You know I can park cars until about 30 minutes into the show, right? Just light them and I'll

53:44 uh What' I do? Oh, I ate way too many cheese steaks. Where'd you go? Oh, I went to Campos. I got Jyms at two in the morning. The late show was rough. Had to eat it away. And then I got Campos again and then Goss uh last night in.

54:00 I wanted to go to Steve Princess Stakes, but I didn't have enough time. They me do M WMR Friday morning at like 8 a.m. which was awesome. And then I did some black show where it's for Fox Soul and uh they got a little feisty. I threw in some honey chow in there.

54:20 What are you talking about? There's on Fox Philly 29. There's a Fox Philly soul station.

54:26 Yeah, it's it's Fox 29. They're line dancing. Shoo. It's Spinderella, y'all. And

54:38 now Ian fire dance with the weather. Man, it's hot [ __ ] in this [ __ ] Going to be some wind. You going to have to keep your hats on. about to bust out my short pants.

54:51 I apologize. They go They go, "Ian, what do you think about this Drake and Kendrick beef?" And I go, "Fellas, I think that beef is expired."

55:03 Man, you're the weirdest white [ __ ] I ever met. Damn. We get this. You was a comedian.

55:09 This boy comes straight out to school. Tattoos and turquoise jewelry. [ __ ] [ __ ]

55:15 Cherokee. Uhhuh. He ain't on my block. [ __ ] coming here like a seminal. We have to cut this. What do we do? Sorry, Mr. Ian. You a wild one. I said, old child, you don't even know. You bring the spice, I'll bring the flavor. Now I heard you like to get a little freaky deacon instead of going. I heard you like to swing both ways.

55:50 Now I have here that you swing both ways. Someone say you need the Lord. We would call that the DL.

56:00 Just just a regular black guy trying to figure you out. Guess is going straight to hell. What are you funny mother?

56:09 We had Miss Pat on the podcast and she was like, "I ain't never been around someone like this before."

56:16 Oh my god. I was like, "But you have a gay daughter." She's like, "BUT SHE AIN'T LIKE YOU."

56:20 NO. Tattoos ain't the only thing that's colorful. Oh jeez. Come on now. So the weekend was good.

56:33 That was terrible. Weekend was good. Weekend was good. Went to the old laugh house. Did you

56:37 boarded up? Yeah. We, me, Shainer, and Drew Montana ended up getting coffee right across the street.

56:43 So, we were just telling old Philly stories and uh it was really fun. And then uh went to rep [ __ ] the whole weekend. So, I was like,

56:52 what do YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I A BUNCH OF CHEESE STEAKS BOMBED on local TV. I didn't I crushed on local TV. Let me tell you, they made a clip. They liked it a lot. Got caught in a rainstorm. WHAT MORE DO YOU want from me?

57:06 Whoa. Got broken up WITH IN BETWEEN SHOWS. A Now we get to it. Yep. Yep. Was this the

57:14 Let the mania begin. DIDN'T SLEEP MUCH. Going off the rails. I need a train. Call me back. I know where you live.

57:31 Trying to kill yourself with cheese whiz. Walter. It was funny. She broke broke up with me via text in between shows and we thought it'd be funny to take a picture of me and a knife up to my neck and be like, "You need to talk to me right now. Rethink this."

57:45 Who's the Wii? You and the other voices in your head? I thought I was at the comedy club. Turns out I was just on 12th at Orange.

57:52 I'm sorry to hear that, man. Yeah. Sorry, dude. Was this a new thing? Was it fresh? Had it been a while?

57:57 We met like two months ago at a whirlwind week in LA. This was the you you had just met the last one when we did your podcast. You had just met.

58:06 Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We were razing you at the time for that. Yes. Yes. So it was a long distance thing.

58:12 Yeah. But she came to visit New York. Really fun. And then when she went back to LA, she was like, "Look, like I

58:18 you are weird. That apartment is groy. I got it cleaned. Uh I saw your Fox Soul segment and

58:28 and I've never been more in love." Uh, so yeah, she broke was like, "Look, I I want to be like in a very committed relationship. I don't think we're going to be compatible." And I was like, "All right." It like threw me off.

58:42 You even mean compatible. Two weeks later, I see her. It was great. We got back together. I asked her if she wanted to go steady. She said yes. And then uh

58:52 live at my mom's. Broke up with me two days later. Hope you like cats. But there were like a lot of red flags. So when she was like, "Hey, this isn't I was no with her. I'm a green flag."

59:05 What? I'm a fun time guy. What didn't name a red flag about me? Can't see your tongue.

59:14 It starts and ends with the rings. These are good. That's too much silver. No, it's not.

59:20 Oh, you hunting vampires. The rings are good cuz when they come off it means business. My eyes go black like wing of crow.

59:28 You get only fingers. Yeah. Maybe that was something. Ah. Do you have anything in her place that you have to go back and get?

59:36 Just a bunch of Minion stuff I gave her. Red flag number two. She told me she really loved the Minion rides at Universal.

59:44 I told you I've never seen the movie. Okay. I said they're kind of cute. I stole her a bunch of minion stuff and gave her one. And then the more I gave her, the more I had to be like a

59:54 Are you going to ask her for them back? Yeah. Can I please have my minion bucket hat back, please?

59:59 You and the minions all in the car driving across country. He's in the back seat. He's not even driving.

1:00:09 I SAID LEFT. WE'LL find her soon. can't think of why she decided to do think about it.

1:00:25 He asked her to go steady. She said okay cuz she didn't she was afraid in the moment and then he sent her a bunch of minions

1:00:31 and then a picture with a knife up that was broke. No, no, that was a joke. I didn't send it.

1:00:36 We were It was a gun. We were bouncing bits. Yeah, this was a bit My dad jacked me up one time and I was in a I think I was in like second grade and I think I hit this girl.

1:00:46 He jacked you up? A girl? I hit a girl. I hit a girl. Every time he did kind of have it coming. I got

1:00:51 I'm telling YOU LIKE EVERY TIME I SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME, I I needed it, yo. And so I remember it was uh he picked me up from school. They called and picked me up from school and he just was we was we was riding back

1:01:02 and he just was like he took me to get food like, "Hey, listen. What you did was [ __ ] up, but I'm going to get you, but I'm not going to tell you when."

1:01:08 And he took me to get food. We were talking having a good time. We got in the house. I was chilling and he just came room. DON'T YOU EVER DO [ __ ] LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.

1:01:14 The sneak attack. That's mental warfare. Got me. I was like, I never ever never ever would do nothing like that. Yeah. Why would they do that [ __ ] Why would they play it cool for a little while? You think you're getting away with it, then all of a sudden

1:01:25 I can't wait to be a parent. I'm I'm going to be the best mental abuser ever, [ __ ] What? I'm on their ass, [ __ ]

1:01:31 Wait like two weeks. DON'T SAY NOTHING. I FORGOT. [ __ ] [ __ ] WAIT till Damn. All right. Any sports in high school?

1:01:39 Play basketball. Play basketball. Good basketball player. I was all right. I was decent. I had uh so my I didn't I never really had the grades to play a full season until my senior year.

1:01:48 Full season. So I always played like half a season. My freshman year I got in a fight uh with my teammate about who played more. We both didn't play.

1:01:56 Sure. I uh I got in a fight in a uh we fought in away team bathroom. Damn. We away game. We fought in the bathroom. I almost died. him. I was cuz like I was a small kid. My freshman year, but I could fight a little bit. I had some hands a little bit. So we was in fight and I was [ __ ] him up. I was beating the [ __ ] out of him.

1:02:13 And then my brain just went. My dad came in and started kicking my ass. Come here, dude. But my brain just went hit him with the razledazzle. So I tried to pick him up cuz everybody was reporting the fight

1:02:23 and then when I went to go pick him up, he grabbed my like lower body and all I remember is somebody going, "Don't kill Cam." And they caught me like right before I was going to hit the ground.

1:02:32 They crack your head open or something. He was he was going to [ __ ] me up. That's a pretty good fight though in the dude a fight in the away team's uh locker room. That's pretty respectable.

1:02:41 No, it was it was dope. And so I got killed off team for that. And then my sophomore year I got back on the team. We had a new coach cuz that the old coach we hate was like you'll never play basketball at this school ever again. He went to a different school.

1:02:52 He got fired. So we got a new coach and then uh I got back on the team didn't had the grades to play and play to the second half of the season. When I got back on the team I cussed out my Spanish teacher.

1:03:01 Sure. cuz she was a [ __ ] So she had it come. Yeah, she definitely had a come. I wasn't trying to learn Spanish. I was going to college. So I didn't give a [ __ ] about it at all. And then she and she was a black lady, too, which was okay, whatever. So she uh this I was never going to learn Spanish cuz my first year was a Russian lady teach me Spanish. I know the [ __ ] she was saying. Second year was black lady. She was cool, but she was a [ __ ] So

1:03:22 I was sleep one day and then she was like, "You got to wake up." And I said, "Hey bro, you going to let me sleep or you going to shut the [ __ ] up and leave me the [ __ ] alone?" And my I didn't realize that the JV coach was next door. Uh-huh.

1:03:31 She just told him immediately and they keep out team for that. Well, just for the record, she kind of was right. You're sleeping in class. You yell at her.

1:03:38 Yeah. I mean, listen, every time I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I will get you. I've admitted every time.

1:03:43 Every time I'm wrong, I'd be wrong as [ __ ] man. Wrong as [ __ ] What was the vacations like when you were a kid, would you? Would you guys We always think everybody living in Orlando, you went to Disney World like every 3 days.

1:03:51 [ __ ] no. No. Hell no. Disney World that could see me. I don't know. Um, vacation.

1:03:59 Nothing really. Nothing. No, not that I could. Oh [ __ ] that's a first. No vacations at all. I like it.

1:04:05 Maybe we did. A bad kid. I wouldn't take him anywhere either. She [ __ ] causing a problem everywhere he went.

1:04:10 I went with my mom when I WAS A KID. That's a huge vacation. Vacation. But she would fly to Tennessee.

1:04:15 She got the buddy pass or whatever. Really like it was dope. That was cool. My parent got married. We got friends. I went my mom was like 10 years old.

1:04:22 There you go. That's it. That's one I can really remember. Oh, in Tennessee. Yeah, that's vacation

1:04:27 with my Yeah. family reunion and [ __ ] Nice. My dad and [ __ ] got mustard in my eyes.

1:04:34 Wow. How how I was uh my it was it was on my it was on my my stepmom's side of the family

1:04:40 and my uh So your dad got remarried. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. And so cuz she had she had been married my whole life. She obtained my diapers and [ __ ] So uh I went over to uh we went to Tennessee. They got a cabin and my sister's cousins was playing this game called don't go to sleep or you going to get musted in your eyes. That was

1:04:55 pretty descriptive game. And I was tired. I was the youngest. I went to sleep and they put mustard in my eyes.

1:05:01 Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's how the game. They kind of lost the game. Some [ __ ] up game.

1:05:06 Was a family reunion every year? Did you guys do one every year? Yeah. In Gainesville, Florida in my mama's side. Yeah.

1:05:11 Man, that's all right. That was probably a good time. It was dope. Yeah. Yep. I I put pee in a water bottle one time and chased my cousins around with it cuz I couldn't catch them in tag,

1:05:21 man. This guy chemical warfare. [ __ ] He's got piss bombs. Jesus Christ. You're the I mean, you are the weirdest guy I've ever met. Tell you not expecting that.

1:05:29 I got some childhood stories, [ __ ] Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. I remember my granddad. My granddad was so mad at me about that [ __ ] cuz I couldn't catch nobody. I was mad as [ __ ] And then like we were playing tag and I remember I went to the bathroom and I came back out with a water bottle and it was yellow and they didn't realize at first, but then my cousin was like he got pissed in the water bottle and they just started hitting. I was squirting that like this.

1:05:51 Yeah, it was crazy. I was I was in time about two hours for that one. [ __ ] problem child.

1:05:55 Say you're in timeout for about two hours. That's not bad. Two hours for a piss bot.

1:05:59 Come over now. That's easy time, dude. I standing on your head. How was your mom in the kitchen? Good cook?

1:06:05 She going to cook for [ __ ] Nah, man. Okay. My mom can't cook for [ __ ] Hell no. But she tried. She make a red velvet cake.

1:06:12 Would that work? That work? She make a cake for you. Damn. She can make a cake.

1:06:17 Damn. I've never had someone flex a red velvet cake. That's That's a high-end cake, dude. That's a [ __ ] Give me

1:06:24 cook for [ __ ] Real velvet cake though on your ass. Specific. My friend Ron Barry's brother Randy Barry was on the real world and he would party with us all the time.

1:06:33 Who was he on the real world? He was Randy from the real world San Diego and girls [snorts] used they used their [ __ ] [ __ ] would melt off when they saw him.

1:06:39 Oh, I remember this guy was hot, dude. Didn't he? I I've never seen people flip out more than a real We'd be at like a PC bar, Providence College, which is like hot Irish hockey girls that are kind of like where the You know, everybody's favorite.

1:06:54 There's such a specific girl. Freckles kind of beat 72 to 84. Every one of my cousins.

1:07:01 Shout out Bridget. Shout out. Oh yeah. Stop it. Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. Like field hockey girl. That's the one.

1:07:09 Uhhuh. You know, like kind of funny. Really good sense of humor. Does like physical humor. They drink a lot.

1:07:14 Yeah. They run through doors and [ __ ] Chug beer in your face. They're like Chris Farley the girl. Yeah. Yeah. But they're kind of pretty. That's That's my type. So I and we would go to PC with this guy. It was like it was literally like bringing like [ __ ] Spanish fly. Like it was it was like kicking a bottle of Spanish fly on the ground in the bar

1:07:29 and girls would be like, "Oh my god, Brad from the real world." Like now my father Brad came in. I remember him clapping out a girl in the back of my dad's My dad flipped out of a midlife crisis. Bought a Hummer a Red Hummer H2 during this time.

1:07:40 I feel like your dad's probably had nine midlife crisis. Oh yeah. Yeah. He had a really good one. Uh it was like one red Hummer. I mean you might as well told everybody he wanted to [ __ ] give head. I was like, "Why don't you wear a prom dress?" Do that. Jesus Christ.

1:07:53 What's up? I'm here to party and I might blow you. Yeah. Yeah. What? It's cool. No, it's not.

1:07:57 Damn. Brad, you met Brad? Yeah. He was I remember like he's like, "Hey, can you ride back to this girl's dorm room?" And I just like, "Yeah, dude. No problem. Are you kidding me?" I'm like a [ __ ] you know the little like the low rung in the totem pole. I'm like, "No problem, dude." And I just like looked back like I just like looked back. He's just clapping an openlegged [ __ ] freshman like and I was like, "WOW, THIS IS AWESOME."

1:08:17 HOLLYWOOD, DUDE. YEAH. YEAH. made it. I'M GOING TO THE Oscars next year. Yeah, that was super fun.

1:08:24 So that that all stuff's going on. And h and then I think it was like I had a summer of partying and I was like, man, I got to stop spending like 500 bucks on a week and go hammer. Um, you know, it was it was a great time where and then I bought the condo and I I gave him he wanted five grand and Wayne Grow and he's I was like, "Look, man, I don't got five grand. I got 1,700 bucks." And he's like, "Are you [ __ ] kidding me, dude? Vinnie told me you're giving me [ __ ] five grand." I was like, "I don't have it. I don't have it and you got to get out either way. So, do you want it? And I remember like my move was always hold the money out in front and make sure it was in loose bills. If you're ever buying anything at a flea market, hold the money out front and say, "Do you want it?" And make sure the last number is a nine.

1:09:01 Wait, what? I'll give you an example. Say someone wants $350. You offer them instead of offering them $150, offer them $189. Make sure the last digit is high. It's a stupid thing, but they'll be like, because if it was one

1:09:17 70, they would be like, "No, no, nine." I thought you meant the serial number on the bill.

1:09:21 No, no, no. Just like now, I have $109. Then hold it in front of them. Do you want it? And nobody says no.

1:09:28 It's like a It's like a 9.7 out of 10 times. You'll close that. Oh, you close. This guy's constantly closing.

1:09:34 Well, I have to buy it. I'll get into it later. But yeah, you always have If you're always doing those deals, you you'll see that people Whatever. It's an old lady who gives a [ __ ] She [ __ ] watch She watch you melt in a barrel fire. Who gives a [ __ ]

1:09:44 All right, so you buy the you buy the option to buy that you I buy that. I move 1,700 bucks. Then you get you get this condo.

1:09:50 I get a no doc loan from who? My cokehead friend Matt. He gave you 120 cash. No, no, no. This is when remember when loans you didn't have to you it was called stated income. I made like

1:10:01 You just had to say this is what I made. That's right. So it was like I made like

1:10:05 This is essentially what brought down the world economy. It's 100. It's happening right now. DSCR loans doing right now in Baltimore. It's happening right now. But um it was no doc loans.

1:10:13 Oh [ __ ] The guy in Baltimore is doing his crush. It just came out this morning. Anyway, so like I was like, "Yeah, I make read the trades.

1:10:19 I make 90 that was in the paper this morning." Yeah. Uh I got a loan for I said I made 90 grand. It was a lie. I didn't make 90 grand.

1:10:26 I did that with Apple to get a MacBook. Nice. How'd you How'd you slide out of there?

1:10:30 They said, "How much do you I did it on the computer." Said, "How much you make?" I said, " $300,000." This was when the podcast It was like the first week of the podcast.

1:10:37 Criminal. They should lock you up. Like, hey, good job, Hannibal Lectar over here.

1:10:44 You're going to be doing life after this. You guys stealing retirement homes. You're talking about your Venmo credit card. Shut up. I was thinking pickaxes and little old lady's heads.

1:10:53 I'm shooting them like John Joe Peshy in the movie. You're going to embarrass us in front of Brad. If you ever show

1:10:59 Brad from the real world, do you guys poop in your pants? What do you mean? Like say the answer. Uh him more so.

1:11:10 I just You boys be pooping in your pants a lot. Like I have a lot of I've never pooped. One time I pooped in my pants and I was in preschool. Totally fine.

1:11:18 You're telling me. But you guys I know. No, it's true. I was on the road with Sigura and he [ __ ] in his pants just on tour.

1:11:26 Like a little bit. I'm not like I've only ever I've only ever fully pooped in my pants once. But that's crazy to once in your life poop in your P. It's like the one bodily function.

1:11:37 I got jammed up. I got stuck in traffic. I didn't make it. And you just [ __ ] I couldn't I couldn't take another step.

1:11:43 Oh, you were walking. Yes, I was walk. I almost to the house. It's almost there.

1:11:47 Brutal. I literally got him. Do you throw it away or do you wash it? Huh? You throw away or you wash it?

1:11:54 Everything got th It was It was like in the Pulp Fiction. It was a whole thing.

1:11:57 Incinerate. Yeah. Yes. Everything was cleaned up, thrown out. Yeah. It's crazy how much you guys poop your pants and gets skid marks.

1:12:04 Yeah. Every one of my friends the other day I reach into a back of a friend's car to grab a towel and that's my poop towel. It is all the seed oil and the servers. It's the servers.

1:12:12 I didn't say this. The male digestive system gets all wonky as it gets older. I was changing my son's diaper the other day and I [ __ ] at the same time this moment of like, dude,

1:12:23 I shouldn't have this job. You are your daddy's boy. You [ __ ] in your pants while you're

1:12:27 not [ __ ] like you're saying like [ __ ] in your pants like I'm like I got it like I got the paper open. It's

1:12:33 You were changing the boy's diaper and you farted and [ __ ] came out. That's [ __ ] in your pants.

1:12:38 No, I got to push back. As someone who shits I got to push back on this. You have no experience doing it.

1:12:43 Grease between THE CHEEKS. YES. OH, THAT'S WHAT OH, IS THERE A SPURT? YEAH, there's a spurt.

1:12:50 No, that's [ __ ] your pants. There's propulsion. Yeah. Yeah, propulsion is [ __ ] your pants. This is insane.

1:12:56 But it's No, it's not a log. Yeah. No, but there's no air. It's not like It's not like fart. And this I dissected this with Sigora cuz he was like, I sharted and I was like, bro, you're describing [ __ ] your pants because you went to fart and a stream of poop came out. That's [ __ ] your pants.

1:13:11 The thing is, you don't know whether it's air or the other thing. You can't tell.

1:13:17 Yeah. You're not like It's not a conscious decision. Oh, you think it's So it literally

1:13:21 you go, "Oh, this is a fart." And then you go, "That's not a problem." But you know, after it's poop.

1:13:26 Yeah. Yeah. That's pooping your pants. That is poop. Are you You're not doing it on purpose, man.

1:13:31 I know you're not doing it on purpose, but if I fart and a little bit of poop particle is there and I get a skid mark, that could be a shark.

1:13:38 But if you fart, go to fart, and it's accidentally a poop, that's pooping your pants.

1:13:43 All right. Okay. [ __ ] you want from me? You accidentally poop your pants a lot.

1:13:47 Yeah. Yeah. That's all I want from you. I don't want you to say I accidentally fart and some poop comes out. I'm so sick of that. You [ __ ] your pants.

1:13:55 Well, I hate to break a day that's what happens. No. Yeah, I'll admit it. I'm disgusting.

1:14:00 I hate that you guys have made up this term short as if it's acceptable. It needs to be back. We all got together and we're like, how can we fool Jordan at the meeting?

1:14:08 Yeah, but everything at the hot guy meeting. At the hot guys who fart and a little bit of poop comes out meeting.

1:14:16 Okay. At the guys who everybody loves and wants to be around meeting. at everybody's favorite boys

1:14:21 at the Higher Regency Hotel this Saturday 2:00. That's crazy. Yeah. No, you're not wrong. It's not uh you're not wrong. It's not a it's not ideal situation. Um but it you know, if I was having sex with you and I bled all over your penis and I go, "Oops, I queefed." You'd be like, "No, you [ __ ] bled all over my penis."

1:14:43 It's a pretty extreme analogy. No, it's not. No, it's not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Blood and poop are just as bad.

1:14:50 No, they are not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Would you rather have poop? I never got shot and [ __ ] all over the place.

1:14:56 Well, I guess you could. What? I don't know. Hey, world's worst analogy. That didn't even make sense.

1:15:04 Well, you you get cut. Never [ __ ] my pants and fingered myself on my period. I've never gotten hard on my own [ __ ] Wait, wait. If you order Coke out, will you order no ice or reorder ice or extra ice? Do you have any?

1:15:21 No, I order a light ice because I know they gonna cheat me. I knew that was coming.

1:15:27 All those documentaries about Canada did a documentary how uh the United States cheats you. When you've been to Canada, they don't put ice in their drink.

1:15:34 Yeah. Europe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They just they just give you the drink. But America cheat you out of half of the drink. If you pour that drink out that ice, you probably got that much. And [clears throat] you pay for a whole

1:15:45 Well, a lot of time it's free refills. You know where they love to do that? On the airplane. I say, "I want the can."

1:15:50 Oh. When I'm on the airplane cuz they'll just give me that little tiny place to come.

1:15:53 Yeah. I actually, you know what? I go to the uh I go to the Delta Lounge and I I just throw uh ginger beer in my purse. You know, the ginger beer.

1:16:02 It is so good. But you can only get it inside of the Delta Lounge. Yeah. You ever been in I know y'all been in a Delta Lounge?

1:16:08 Yeah. I'm diamond. Oh. Oh, I'm I'm platinum. I'm platinum. I mean, I'm pl You're 360. Yeah,

1:16:14 she's killing it. I've never seen one. She's killing it. I'm wood. You know the thing about being 360? When you have a problem, they take care of you.

1:16:25 Platinum do they do, too. But 360, you get on the plane before the [ __ ] pilot.

1:16:30 Well, I I do uh I you can, but I do VIP. Is that where they drive you to the thing?

1:16:36 Yes, I do that every week. You wait. So, you get driven to the to the plane? Mhm. Every week.

1:16:41 And then you walk I walk on the side. Yeah. Only because I don't like going through Atlanta airport. That's where I live at. And it's just too much to get your bag. And it's just it's easy for me cuz I have a driver that pick me up and take me over to the airport. And it's just easy for me to get VIP to get me, run me through, drop me on a plane, take me to Delta Loun, and I'm done. I don't got time. Then you know

1:17:03 people black people are different from white fans. Black people don't give a [ __ ] what's your day IS LIKE. GIVE ME A PICTURE. GIVE ME A PICTURE. AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY, "LOOK, [ __ ] leave me alone." So, I just go up the side of the plane and pull my hat down and I hide because they don't, you know, white people like, "Hey, how you doing?" Black people don't care. THEY'LL SNATCH ON YOU. I love you, [ __ ] Get your hand off me, man. I'm I'm on a viral video fighting somebody cuz I want to take a picture cuz my wig going crooked.

1:17:31 So, you know, I just say to keep everything down, I'm just going to go VIP. Smart. Very smart. That's great. Good for you. Speaking of the plane, um, obviously you're up front

1:17:42 all the time. Of course. Do you take your shoes off on the plane? Nick, I mean,

1:17:49 you're allowed to say it. We're not. I had to catch myself. That dirty ass carpet. Is you crazy?

1:17:56 I'm guessing that's enough. Yeah. Do you see how many white people have their toes on that floor?

1:17:59 Crazy. I I just I just flew back from from Europe last week and I saw a guy barefoot go to the bathroom.

1:18:06 Oh my god. I'll do that in my socks. White. White Asian guy. Well, yeah. White.

1:18:13 Same thing. He wasn't black. I'll give you that. The skin was white. Ain't no way in the hell. Ain't no way in the not even a homeless person. Black would have done that.

1:18:23 Put the slippers on. If I take my shoes off on, say it's like a six-h hour flight or something like that. It's a long flight. And I'm getting comfortable. I got my movie going, some snacks, stuff like that. I've had my meal.

1:18:33 All right. I That is horrible. Well, at first they give you the slippers. You put the slippers, they'll give you a pair of slippers.

1:18:38 I can't fit in those things. Let me tell you who I just flew. I just flew Emirates for the first time. You ever flew Emirates?

1:18:44 No. What were you just on? I was on Singapore was very nice. It was? Yeah, Singapore is very nice.

1:18:48 I almost got on Singapore. I went to Saudi Arabia, then I went to Dubai. And when I tell you Emiry's first class

1:18:56 Yeah. It's like an apartment. Oh my god. When I tell you they wake you up to take a bath, ma'am. It's time for your shower.

1:19:03 Yes. Did you take a shower on the plane? No, I was I had a panty line. I told you I can't take my [ __ ] shoes. What?

1:19:08 I had a panty line on. It was going to make it. Now, if I was just browsing it, it would I would have had to take a bath.

1:19:15 Wait, hold on. A panty liner? What do you mean? A panty liner catches the secretions that fall out of me.

1:19:22 I can't believe you needed that to [ __ ] explain vagina leaks. So everything You ever see one, huh? No. I've seen it in some videos.

1:19:32 You a big guy. It's easy to have sex with you. Just kick in your stomach, your dick pop out like a cash ration. That's easy. I And y'all are so warm. You know the hardest thing about giving a fat person head is when you lift their stomach up, they dick is hot like 99°.

1:19:49 That's like an air fryer. Yes. And your makeup and eyelashes will fall off. It is It is work sucking a fat man penis because it's so warm down there. YOU EVER DID IT? GIRL, LET ME tell you.

1:20:07 Holy [ __ ] This ain't Yeah, man. This match just obliterated us. One shot. Look over. I got fake eyelashes on.

1:20:15 Oh, that you got to take your makeup off before you give a fat man head. I'm telling you that is some work down there. And they they balls are like it's it's like it's been in a little

1:20:24 Hey, I'm not on trial here. I'm just tell Phill is nuts. I guarantee you. I've seen them. They're not great. They're bad. Don't touch them. They hot.

1:20:32 Yeah, they're hot cuz I'm tell he's thick between the legs. So everything is just right there heating up at all time. And as he walked, they're boiling.

1:20:41 Yeah. As he walked there boiling. Oh, she's not wrong. She's talking like if he pull his nut pull his nuts out right now. I bet I bet you I bet her they're 102 degrees.

1:20:52 If he teabag a [ __ ] it it'll burn her skin. How do you feel as a whole about its rise? about its popularity, about its existence really of the birthday cake flavor.

1:21:05 Well, let me go into this actually because I'm happy you asked this. My thoughts on this are evolving.

1:21:13 Really? Yes. Early on when birthday cake flavor was introduced [snorts] somewhere, let's be honest, before 2010, no one had heard of it.

1:21:22 We're talking about the early here. The birthday cake flavor is introduced. The earliest and most mainstream application of this flavor was something called Birthday Cake Remix from Cold Stone Creary.

1:21:33 Cold Stone. That was the big one. Cold Stone Crearyy introduces this flavor in 2010. There's a mortgage crisis. People are suffering. They're losing their homes.

1:21:42 They're lining up. The Cold Stone employees are singing. They're making ice cream. Many of them are on pills and they can't see their children unless there's a police officer present. [snorts]

1:21:51 The birthday cake flavor comes in to make everything a party. Mhm. Nothing's a party. Nothing's a party. Okay.

1:21:59 Oh, you thought you going to retire with the equity in this house? Now you're living in an apartment again. Nothing's a party. Here comes the birthday cake flavor. Oh, there's sprinkles in it. Is it your birthday? No, I'm actually living in hell. So, this flavor comes in, then everybody gets it. It gets cheap. I don't like it anymore. It feels very chemical. I don't like the birthday cake flavor. I've turned on it completely.

1:22:23 Okay. I used to argue, and I still will argue this, that the Burger King French toast was one of the most influential things I've ever had in my life.

1:22:34 It changed my life. The Burger King French Toast Stick, it's like you're in here. You know that? It's like you're right

1:22:40 because the McGriddle does not run, but the Burger King French toast doesn't walk.

1:22:46 And here's the thing. Burger King has fallen far, but there was a time when it was a nice time cuz you had a crinkle cut pickle. McDonald's had a regular pickle.

1:22:56 They were contending. They had a crinkle cut pickle at Burger King. You had a flame broiled Whopper at Burger King. There was a time when Burger King was in the game. It is not in the game right now. And it is a [ __ ] tragedy.

1:23:06 It's like a FEMA camp when you walk in there. I have a theory. Yes. Okay. That I have expressed to Kevin in private.

1:23:11 Yes. That our culture Yes. as Americans, correct? We are the coolest at times in history where Burger King and Pepsi are the driving force. When Burger King and Pepsi are in

1:23:28 It's actually beautiful to hear someone articulate that with words. We are at our coolest when Burger King's popping and Pepsi's popping

1:23:35 because we need the underdog to thrive. We need the underdog to thrive in this country.

1:23:43 Was Burger King my favorite? Absolutely not. Like did are Was there a time when it was hot? Amen.

1:23:48 Was there a time when you had a Who was mad at a croissant witch, buddy? Was someone mad at that?

1:23:53 Dude, when the chicken WAS SOMEONE MAD AT THAT? WHEN THE chicken fry hit, it was all right. It was all right.

1:24:00 There were time and I actually think they were the times of the most racial harmony as well.

1:24:03 Of course, we were. You know what? I agree. We were united. United. So, that to me is a sad pizza. It's a sad story. These are sad stories. These are sad stories.

1:24:13 But we could get it back. Screen name was Burger King lover. No, for life. Get it back. For life. But guess what? Not for life. Now

1:24:20 yeah, we could get it back. We could be cool again. That's right. Just one crispy chicken sandwich away.

1:24:28 What is the biggest disappointment fast food-wise? I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. What' you say?

1:24:34 No, please. The Because I was going to agree with you. I thought you said the thing I was going to say. the the biggest fall that has ever happened in this country

1:24:43 from a restaurant that was one of the greats to something that is now nothing and that is Wendy's.

1:24:49 Wendy's in the '9s was the premiere. You would go there and have a burger that was amazing.

1:24:55 It was a square patty. You'd get a gold wrapper, Monterey Ranch, chicken sandwich, ranch in uh bacon in the ranch, fresh, never frozen, a salad bar that included chocolate pudding and slices of pineapple. How about you go [ __ ] yourself? Uh, and this was you would leave your job maybe at a debt collection agency or at the rec center.

1:25:13 You'd go in there and you'd put a feed bag on. Oh, a baked chili baked potato. Maybe I will stay married.

1:25:20 And now, now it is hell. You would get a salad there with bacon, cheddar cheese, ranch dressing, croutons. You'd pile it high. I mean, the steakhouse bacon cheeseburger at Wendy's, the Monterey ranch chicken sandwich at Wendy's. Wendy's was amazing. And it has fallen far shame. The thickness of that shredded yellow cheddar cheese at the salad bar covered in ranch with a slab of chocolate pudding on the side. We've discussed this. It still holds true to this moment. You couldn't be more right.

1:25:51 Talk about [clears throat] a maverick, a big potato at a fast food restaurant. And it did things. They did things. Dave Thomas.

1:25:59 Now you go into Wendy's and everyone's confused. It's Everyone's confused. It's some Norwegian who just got off a plane and they don't know what's happening. No one is excited at a Wendy. It's just kids go in there to film fights.

1:26:14 They go in there to curb stomp a [ __ ] and film it. That is all Wendy's are used for now. They're used for inner city fights and they know it. They go that's the only reason we exist is for inner city Tik Tok brawls. dive in.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "AYG BEST of 2025! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley"?

In order: 0:00 Brier Farms, Hogandas, Oceans Casino; 40:00 Kasamigos, Frankie and Johnny's; 1:20:00 Burger King.

What is mentioned in this AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast episode?

9 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Burger King, Kasamigos, Brier Farms, Hogandas, Oceans Casino, Frankie and Johnny's. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "AYG BEST of 2025! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley"?

The episode runs 1 h 27 min; the transcript is about 20,050 words in 598 timestamped sections.

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