Transcript

Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

From Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 38 min · 7,710 words · 221 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard", an episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard published December 19, 2025 (38 min, about 7,710 words). It mentions 26 people, works and ideas, including Georgia (U.S. state), Spades, Brianna, Interstate 85, Seven-year itch.

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on the humorous challenges and contradictions of holiday traditions, specifically during the holiday season, as the hosts share personal anecdotes and reflections. They touch on the quirks of parenting, beauty routines, and the universal theme of appreciating what you have while navigating the sometimes chaotic holiday atmosphere.

Key takeaways

  • Dallas: Where the hair's tall enough to rival skyscrapers, and so is the holiday chaos.
  • Pepper spray is great for self-defense—not so much for dog defense on Christmas.
  • Uncle Bob's pepper spray plan backfired: he aimed high but ended up crying.
  • Holiday chaos: family gathers, rock band plays, plus stray dogs and pepper spray frays.
  • Rock Band is ageless; pepper spray at Christmas? A timeless fail.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: Plano, Texas, Rock Band
  2. – 10:00: Uncle Bob
  3. – 15:00: Smoky Mountains, Six Flags Over Georgia, University of Tennessee
  4. – 20:00: Spades, Volkswagen Rabbit
  5. – 25:00: Spades
  6. – 30:00: Brianna
  7. – 35:00: Brianna, Homewood Suites, Pediatrician, Thermometer

Notable quotes from "Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"

  • Okay. So, tell us what year. And we're in Plano, Texas for this story. Yes, this was about 12 years ago. I had to consult my mom for some details, but basically my family is big on holidays.
    about Plano, Texas · at
  • Finished eating. The guys are all watching football. My cousins and I are upstairs playing rock band.
    about Rock Band · at
  • While people are trying to get to their car. I honestly can't explain why this next part happened, but Uncle Bob decides that he is going to pepper spray above the dog.
    about Uncle Bob · at
  • Let me ask you this. Do you like the Smoky Mountains? Do you think they're pretty? I do think they're pretty.
    about Smoky Mountains · at
  • Quickly. I partake as does he. His family also a fun detail to note is huge on spades.
    about Spades · at
  • Like almost nose touching the side of the house. Just fun detail. It was a Volkswagen rabbit. We get into the car.
    about Volkswagen Rabbit · at
  • Right lane and going and then all of a sudden big boom. Feel like I got punched in the chest. Brianna's immediately freaking out. baby I think was asleep and is now hysterically crying.
    about Brianna · at
  • Just excited. Brian's No, we need to take her temperature. So, we go, we're looking for the thermometer.
    about Thermometer · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Books & papers

Companies & orgs

  • Sprouts Farmers Market — Company · 3 mentions
  • CVS Pharmacy — Company · 2 mentions
  • Lincoln (automobile) — Company · 2 mentions
  • University of Tennessee — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Georgia in overtime and it was like barely the VS University of Tennessee.
  • Six Flags Over Georgia — Company · 1 mention · first at
  • Homewood Suites — Company · 1 mention · first at
    COVID. Surprisingly, I wasn't expecting that. So, we get in the car, we go back to our Homewood Suites room, and we call her family and we're we're going to be holding down the…
  • Pediatrician — Company · 1 mention · first at
    We called our pediatrician and we're like this isn't immoral for us to like go like hang out with family and she's like honestly it's your call. You do what's in your best interest. And so.
  • EMS — Company · 1 mention
  • Total Wine & More — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

Concepts & topics

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm George by Jaj Rajbage.

It's me. Um, today we have Holiday Nightmare Part Three. Oh, ho ho ho. See how I did both?

Yeah, that was cool. Good mesh. Um, you guys, happy holidays. Happy holidays. They're They're upon us and they're so fun.

Happy holidays. Actually, this is the last This is our last episode of the year. our last new episode of the year. So,

we hope you enjoy it and you get in the spirit. What a year. Year seven. Year seven, you're supposed to get itchy, but we didn't get itchy. Oh, then it works.

You're not supposed to give Brad Pit your seven. You're supposed to get itchy and bored.

Oh, the sevenyear scratch. The sevenyear itch. The sevenyear itch. The scratchy [clears throat] scratchy. Uh, please enjoy Holiday Nightmares part three. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life I had them both. But one thing you got to know I'mma keep on shining.

Hi. Hi guys. Can you hear us? Yes, I can. Can you hear me? Absolutely. Your hair looks so pretty. It feels like your hair is very on brand for someone named Bella.

That's really kind. Thank you. I had to blow it out for today. I went off my routine, but I was like, "Today's a big day."

What's your normal routine? Do we put it in braids the night before and hope for curls in the morning?

So, my hair is naturally super curly. So, I usually blow it out on Saturdays and then wash one time a week.

Same. So, Bella, what's wrong with all of us? Cuz my children have pinstraight hair and they braid it every night when it's wet. So they'll have curls in the morning and everyone with curls is trying to straighten their hair. What is wrong with us?

I know the grass is always greener. It really is. Always greener. I've learned over time I just hair dry and I just go

and you want your hair, right? I'm happy with my hair. One of the only things I got. You got to embrace what you got.

Hold on. I bet we could make a list. We are not doing that. Bella, let's make a list.

No way. Where are you? So, I am in New York City, but I'm originally from Texas. So, that is where my story takes place.

Where in Texas? It's a suburb outside of Dallas called Plano. Oh, I know. Plano. Yeah. I went to either a Total Wine or a Sprouts on Aaron and I's bus tour in Plano.

Love Sprouts. My mom loves Sprouts. Okay. So, tell us what year. And we're in Plano, Texas for this story. Yes, this was about 12 years ago. I had to consult my mom for some details, but basically my family is big on holidays. My mom loves to host. She is a great host and she is one of seven kids. So, each of her siblings married, they have kids and then some of those kids have kids. So, it's just a full full house.

It was an explosion. And can we do some stereotypes now? I would like to play in stereotypes for one second. I think when people have a stereotype about Texas, I think what they're really thinking about is Dallas. And I think there is a fun stereotype about Dallas.

Well, higher the hair, the closer to God. That vibe in a great host. Like this is all feels very in keeping.

My sister and I are both quite tall and my mom without a doubt says to everyone, "We grow them big in Texas." Like there's just all the stereotypes. American by birth, Texan by the grace of God.

Yeah. So, they're super proud Texans, which is fun to have them visit me in New York City. Oh,

but they love it. It was Christmas [clears throat] Day afternoon. We all finished eating. The guys are all watching football. My cousins and I are upstairs playing rock band.

How old are you at 13 years ago? I would have been 16. Probably too old for rock band at that point, but family tradition. good fun.

We hear this loud bang on the front door and immediately following the bang comes the stray dog that runs right into our house. My family, we are not ones to remain calm. We are alarmists and we overreact.

Okay, great. Immediately, my mom is panicked. We have several elderly people and my three uncles decide they're going to handle it.

Sure. That's their duty. They got the whole day off to watch football. They got to be lazy. But now there's someone he's protecting. So you're finally out.

Christmas football. The Lions play every year on on Christmas. Yeah. Somehow there's always a game on on holidays. So my uncles are trying to corral this dog out. And they finally get it to the front porch. And I guess the rationale is that they're nervous about the dog not leaving the property while people are trying to get to their car. I honestly can't explain why this next part happened, but Uncle Bob decides that he is going to pepper spray above the dog.

Above it. All right. Humanely pepper spray. And Uncle Bob has pepper spray at Christmas

somehow. Yes. We're all very protected. You know, it's so we're all a little on guard. He is going to pepper spray above the dog. It'll smell it and run away.

Oh, this is an insane plan. As if he's tried this before. And I wish somebody had consulted him. I wish he had thought it through a little bit more. But he sprays the pepper spray and immediately it blows right back into his face. He's on her front porch.

He runs inside, leaving the door wide open. He's screaming, "My eyes, my eyes." My mom is at the sink washing dishes. He pushes her out of the way, starts rinsing out his eyes while immediately all of the pepper spray blew back into our house. So now everyone can feel it. It is burning your eyes. It's burning your throat.

One of our great ideas is like go upstairs and open up all the windows. Well, that created some sort of suction effect and got it everywhere. So we are shuffling people out to the backyard.

Hold on. This is the stupidest event to have happened on Christmas. There's pepper spray in the house. Now

we are all out in the backyard. Parents can't find their toddlers. Grandparents are coughing and wheezing. And then some of my cousins were pregnant. They're throwing up.

Oh god. And the dog is inside happy peacefully running around still. Inference to the pepper spray.

He's completely fine. Didn't feel a thing. Loving it. And so it was just a Christmas to remember. And eventually when everyone calmed down, they lured the dog out with some food, took it to a shelter. It was fine. But [clears throat]

in the meantime, we're like, that was a fun time to be pepper sprayed by Uncle Bob at Christmas.

Uncle Bob must have really unloaded. Like he what he promised was a little gentle spray above the head, but he must have got trigger happy with it.

It lasted for several days, too, so we could not get the smell out. Where is Uncle Bob in the birth order? Is he the oldest? He's actually my mom's oldest sister's husband.

Oh [ __ ] So he's not even by blood. So the rest of the dudes are like, "Oh, [ __ ] Why'd she marry Bob? We've been saying this since they met."

I mean, he thought he was taking control. Yeah, he's trying to help. This family's going to be so grateful I joined it once I deal with this dog situation.

They're always thinking I'm also the notion that we need to get out of the yard now. And then what? You get it out of the neighborhood? Where does it stop? get it out of the house and shut the door. Maybe throw the deadbolt, go back to the game, have a couple of lone stars, and call it a Christmas.

Eventually, that dog's gonna leave. Yeah. He's going to go to someone else's house and try to get some of that holiday ham.

Yeah. There were a lot of different options. Pepper Spray should not have been on the roster.

Your tradition is I'm going to ask everyone here. Ours was always Christmas Eve is when you'd get together with your family and then like Christmas Day was just for your immediate family. Interesting. You did Christmas day. Mom would host.

We did my dad's family on Christmas Eve and then my mom's family on Christmas Day, but I also have a couple sets of steparents. So, I've got lots of fun. I get to run around.

Hence the movie for Christmases. Yes. Easter egg. Easter egg. Although, by this it will be out.

Okay. Spoiled egg. Cracked egg. Rotten egg. Bella, your family sounds fun. and I kind of want to attend.

You would fit right in. Both of you guys. They would be obsessed. Well, Bella, delightful meeting you.

Thank you guys so much for having me. My roommate is right by me. Can she say hi?

Of course. Absolutely. She's lurking behind you like a killer. Hi. Hi. It's so nice to meet you guys.

And what is your name? My name is Emma. Emma. We have an Emma in New York. That's right.

And did you all meet in Texas or in New York? We actually met studying abroad together.

Where were you studying? We were in Italy. So, we were both teaching English over there. And then we were both teachers and now we both work in finance, which is hilarious.

I know. Just attached to the hip. You're so lucky. Yeah. How I'm so jealous. I'm jealous, too. And it makes me mad. Aaron never had any of the same career aspirations as me. Like, if I could have done all that stuff with Aaron.

Yeah. But now you're doing Ted Seekers with Now we're retired together. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, lovely meeting you girls.

Thank you guys so much. Have a good rest of your day. Okay. Take care. Doing these episodes makes me very excited for the holidays.

Me, too. What happens at the Padman's on Christmas? Christmas [snorts] day. Eve and day.

We don't have Eve traditions. Lame. Okay. But we're Indian, so the fact that we even do Christmas at all is a big deal.

Yeah, that's true. They've they've gone out of their way, you know. And have they come to love it? Love it. Well, your mother grew up with it probably.

Well, I don't know when they started, but I think they half did it. But then when

when you arrived, of course, they had to go full boore. But did it infect them? And it can't be a hard holiday to start loving.

No, no. I think my mom likes it. I like it the most and the whole family more than Neil.

Yeah. What's wrong with Neil? Actually, we conversation. No, but he was saying last year, the year before, he was like, [sighs]

I just like don't like Christmas as much as I used to. He was like sad by That's cuz he's not a little boy.

I know. And I think he was sad about that. Well, once [snorts] he has kids, it'll come back. Well, how's he feel about Halloween? Must hate Halloween cuz there's like there's really nothing there for adults. Yeah.

Halloween's actually great for adults cuz you go to parties and you like everyone dresses sexy and drink stuff.

Hello. What fake name would you like? Whatever you feel so inclined. Sasha. Wow.

Okay, great. Is this real? No, it is not. It is not. Someone's going to shake you awake and they're going to go, "Sasha, you've peed your pants."

That feels a lot more likely and realistic than if you wake up and you've peed your pants, you might have had a seizure. So, I would go to the doctor. This is a cautionary tale. Okay. Go to the doctor and have it checked out.

Go to the doctor. Even go maybe go before go before you go. Should I go right now?

Yeah. You say, "My friend Monica is pretty concerned I have epilepsy based on the fact that I thought that this conversation we had might be a dream."

That's right. Where are you? I knew you were going to ask that question and so to answer it, I wore this for Monica. I don't know if she can see, but I just want to say go VSS. And I've been dying to say that.

Oh, we got one of the Tennessee. So, Dax, I am also deeply spiritually offended every time you say roll tide. At least we can agree on that.

Well, let's all agree that I'm making very few friends because that's only like I don't know what percentage of all colleges that exist. So, I'm like alienating everyone. But the reason I think no one should be offended is I didn't even go there and I actually don't care if they win or lose.

That's why we're offended. We care so much. Yeah. It's like you don't even know and you're just throwing out these horrible horrible remarks.

Okay. the overtime. Did you watch is a few weeks ago? I didn't watch, but I did hear.

It was insane. Who won? Who won? Georgia in overtime and it was like barely the VS University of Tennessee.

Yes. Okay. I watched a couple games. I guess I didn't realize they were the VSS, but now that I'm a um Nashville native, I did watch a couple

volunteers because that's the state motto. That's right. the volunteer state. Second to that, my last sort of regional reference was I was just listening earlier this week and I could not believe I heard you say that Dollywood is your new favorite theme park.

Absolutely. Have you been? A,68 billion times. What could possibly [snorts] be your issue with Dollywood?

I mean, banjos, southern tourists that are upset. I just I don't You don't like the vibe?

No. Let me ask you this. Do you like the Smoky Mountains? Do you think they're pretty? I do think they're pretty.

The food's the best food I've ever had in amusement park. In an amusement park. So, we know

amusement park. Yeah. Were you just upset that he was so quick to give up on his lifelong

Yes. This comes up a lot. I will not prioritize loyalty over the truth. I'm loyal to a fault.

Even at the expense of the truth. You are that for some things like if your kids are doing something, if they're going to kill someone, you're loyal to them.

My kids. Yeah. And that you should treat amusement parks the same. I should treat amusement parks the same

with the same respect. Okay, I'll have to think on that one. Okay, but anyways, bottomless pot roast and bottomless fried chicken. That's actually delicious fried chicken.

What about the cinnamon bread? That's the Dollywood claim to fame. Have you had or your gluten?

I can't [ __ ] with it. Right. I didn't even have that and I still loved it. But here's my question to you is like if you don't hate the Smoky Mountains and you don't hate beautiful wooden roller coasters that are world class and some of the biggest on the planet, you know,

what's your favorite amusement park? Yeah. How about that? Let's start there. Six Flags Over Georgia.

I [snorts] do love that one. You know what? Okay, Sasha, hook them. Okay, hook them.

Oh, no. No. That's the real UT. Hook them. Ew. You're not allowed to say that. I'm just making enemies everywhere I can. Okay. So you have a holiday nightmare.

Let's get into your story. This takes place 2013 14. So I am 19 20 21 new boyfriend. Timeline is a little iffy on some of these details, but we might have even been engaged. We went from dating to engaged in like 3 months

at 19. I mean, I'm from Tennessee, D. Yeah. Yeah. But I will say it does call into question your overall judgment when it comes to Dollywood. No, I'm just saying that has nothing to do with that. That has nothing to do with your Dollywood opinion. No, not relevant at all.

Disagree. Okay, so you're 19 and you're engaged. That's the reason I'm also using a fake name is because as this story develops, these details would not farewell with the southern crowd. But either way, at new partner's family's house, it was Christmas. They are just a fun crowd. Very opposite of how I grew up. Conservative. No one drank. No one cursed.

Your family or his? Mine. I could not say fart growing up. I see why you don't like Dollywood. That's very southern. I get it.

Did you have to say toot? Flatulence? No toot. Did someone flatulence? And if we did, even on accident or a burp, my dad was, "Did you just do that?" I mean, he was so upset.

Oh my god. So, his family is a good time. They are the best time. Everything is alcohol. Everything is big party. Doesn't matter the occasion. I was a little nervous trying to be cool and fit into this new family and hope they like me and all those sort of things. But we get inside, drinks start flowing pretty quickly. I partake as does he. His family also a fun detail to note is huge on spades.

Oh, I like them already. I like that. Yes, they're teaching me how to play spades.

It's a hard game to learn, too. And getting in and learning while drinking. Yes. At 19.

I don't know about y'all, but there are sort of two modes I go into in drinking. Number one is everyone is my best friend. I love you so much. Here's my whole life story. What's your aces score? You know, here we go. And then number two is are we [ __ ]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's wonderful. Those are adjacent. Really friendly.

Let's connect. Yeah. So, we're both drinking. We kind of give each other, you know, like a look. And so, I don't know why, but we say, "Okay, we'll go to the car." We go outside.

Is it light or dark out? Dark. His car is the first one parked in the driveway to the side of the house. like almost nose touching the side of the house. Just fun detail. It was a Volkswagen rabbit. We get into the car. He gets in the driver's seat. Uh, you know,

you mount him. Correct. Are you wearing a dress or do you got to remove pants? I knew you were going to ask me and I was going to give you a disclaimer that I'm not going to have all the answers to all the details and combination of time that has passed and intoxication level. I don't remember. I couldn't tell you to save my life. If you get caught, pulling a skirt down is a lot easier than where are my pants? They were inside out cuz I was in a hurry.

You could have told me it was 2 minutes or it was 25. I have no recollection of how long we're going about this good time. Next thing I know, motion light comes on and he just yeets me off of him. I mean, like pushes me off and gets out of the car in like 02 seconds flat.

Chucks you into the passenger seat and he's exiting the vehicle. Yes, he's exited the vehicle.

He is erect. He either had to pull his pants up with an erection, which is rough, or he's just out there with an erection.

Two things probably were in his favor. The shock, being scared, and then also it was so cold outside. Maybe that was helpful.

All right. My left foot, like my ankle, had somehow gotten stuck under the emergency brake that was down.

Yeah. Mh. So when he pushes me off the top half, like torso up, tries to follow the momentum and twists over into the seat, but the ankle and the foot is not going. It's 100% stuck. So the next thing I know that I do also remember pretty clearly is just like screaming out in pain. That hurts. So I mean, it twisted my ankle all the way around.

Oh, he is 62 250. I'm 5'1. And just like screaming. And then his uncle is like, "Is that you?" and like is coming over. That's who set the motion light off. His uncle had come outside and his uncle carries me like this inside.

Okay. You have your arms out as if you're a baby. Yeah. Cradle. Are you It's like you carry a 50 lb bag of dog food.

Yes. He carries me inside cuz I cannot walk on that ankle on that foot at all. I mean, it is so down for the count. And I remember him carrying me into the house, sitting me down on the couch. I'm still crying. Everyone has now come to the living room. Luckily, his mom and his aunt are nurses, so they come and they help and put some ice.

And does anyone ask you how you've hurt your ankle? Yes. And uncle sells me out in two seconds to the whole crowd.

She was riding Billy in the front seat of the foreign car. Yes, he does. That to me, my 19-year-old southern I mean, I'm mortified,

but they love it. This is exactly what 19-year-olds should be doing at Christmas, and they know it.

Yeah. They're the one giving me drinks and making me lemon drops, teaching you spades. I mean, they're getting you ready for a life of good times.

I wonder if they're like, I just hope they use protection. They're not even worried.

That kind of calms down, settles down. They laugh. They think it's awesome. I decide at some point to rejoin the spades table. I'm very, very drunk. And I remember clear as day. I have my cards. They've dealt me my hand. And I turn to his aunt and I say, "Am I the red team or the black team?"

[ __ ] All right. For the listener, that's not how you play. It has nothing to do has absolutely nothing to do with the game.

Not at all. Not at all. And so, yes. again. His mom, who was a nurse, had [clears throat] crutches already at the house. She wrapped it, gave me crutches. I was grateful to avoid an embarrassing doctor urgent care trip. And the funniest part, too, is that I think that was a Saturday. The next day, my dad had invited us, myself, boyfriend, I think his mom and sister to like the Christmas play at our church.

Oh, boy. I get to hobble into church with my sex injury. And they're all hung over and they're like, "Oh, [ __ ] this." And I don't remember what I told dad, but it definitely wasn't I was banging in the driveway at the Christmas party.

Good thing the uncle wasn't invited. Oh, cuz he would have blasted you. Yeah. Oh, you should have seen her.

I saw everything. They were in a rabbit, but there was only one rabbit in that vehicle. It was your daughter.

Um, what happened? Did you confront the boyfriend? Like, where did you go? Did he ever resurface? Did we ever see him again? When did he resurface?

Inside is when I remember him coming back into the memory in the picture. He's playing spades. He's in the party.

Yeah, that's the only thing that doesn't track about this story is that Billy's from this family, why is he like if that scenario happened at my house, I wouldn't have cared at all cuz my mom didn't care. I'm from that family, so I wouldn't have ran.

He got spooked. He has another uncle who honestly like if he would have come out, they probably would have like fistbumped or something. This was not that uncle. He was still very cool about it and funny and wonderful, but not as close. So honestly, I don't even fault him. It was probably so fight or flight.

He thought, "I'm going to disappear. My uncle's going to think she's in the car by herself. I'm going to re-enter the back of the house and pretend that she was just out there in the car."

Just checking tiff her wallet. That's what happened. Yeah. But I just wish he hadn't chucked her across the car, you know.

Yeah. Desperate times, desperate measures. He wasn't abusive, though, right? No.

Oh, no. No one thinks it's big boy. Yes. Yes. You still got to be careful. I think fight or flight, your amydala is firing. I don't know.

A lot of the blood is not even in the brain at that point. That's exactly right.

I love this story. It's as messy as it gets. I miss it. I'm having like a little bit of sadness as I hear. Yes, those were fun times. That reminds me of like holidays at Aaron's aunt's house. It was just a mess. It was so fun. Cards and drinking and smoking.

Always. There was one Christmas party. Same family, same host. We made matching outfits and I made his shirt and it said, "Do you want to ride my sleigh tonight?" And we put antlers and a red nose where the belt would go of his outfit.

Uhhuh. You know, we're fun. Yeah. It's the kind of family where there's a fire about every third Christmas party, there's a fire at some point in the house.

An injury, a fire. Yeah, 100%. That is fun. Well, Sasha, this was a party. Thank you. Yeah, it was a really good time. Shout out to Olivia. We saw you twice in Chicago together.

You did said boyfriend husband was in the military. So we were stationed in Chicago when you all were there.

The Christmas show, right? And my parents were there. Yes. The Padman's were in attendance.

Yeah, they were there for that one. This is how you know that we are next level obsessed. She's the only person I told about this because I was convinced when I got the email from Emma. I'm like, "This is spam. This is a scam. This is

someone's going to ask you for $11 or something." Yes. And so I only told her. I said it was today. She texted me this morning and she said, "This is the day our lives change forever."

A, that's so sweet. Well, enjoy your new lives, ladies. I hope they find their way back to a late model rabbit in the parking lot on Christmas Day, cuz don't let go of those times too quickly.

Yeah, they're fun. Thank you all so much. This was the time of my life. Lovely meeting you. You, too. Bye. Bye. Remember in a couple episodes ago when we thought that girl was telling us that her grandma died? I laughed last night thinking about it. So I like pop your grandmother didn't make it. Hi. Hi.

Now, listen. You're big a little a r o n. No. Okay. So, a aon is running incredibly late from work. I'm his wife Bri.

Yeah. So, he's really sad, but he's in the car right now. Okay. Tell not to crash on the way home.

He's on 85 coming in from Atlanta. Oh, good luck. And it's Friday. You understand? We were not going to talk to him until 7:00 p.m.

Seriously, last time I got home Friday. I know it made you not for hours. I was like, I'm not going home ever again.

It's what stopped you from calling Atlanta home and started calling LA. That was the exact moment where you said LA. And you know how [ __ ] shitty your traffic is if LA's traffic is preferable.

Exactly. I know. It's shameful. All right, so Rob will do some magic and we'll communicate.

I'm going to put you back in the waiting room. Sounds good. Oh my god, he'll be so happy. Thank you guys so much.

Oh, and I got to meet you guys. Bye. How fun. An errand and a breathe. Unreal. That was the last episode of Mom's Car. Aaron and Bri.

Exactly. [ __ ] Sim is lazy. You didn't really have those Christmas parties, did you?

Yeah. Messy. Not at my parents, but not at people's parents' house. Yeah. Not Christmas, I guess.

Yeah. It's a sacred holiday, even for the Indians. Looks like Aaron's back if you want to take.

Okay, now I get to say it. What's your stress level, Aaron? What's your heart rate right now?

I went through probably all the stages of grief within the last uh probably like hour and a half. I don't know. I was like, "Oh, it's probably not going to happen." But you got to meet my better half.

Bri, I know we did. She was lovely. I don't bump into many guys who had a Bri in their lives.

I know. A Bri and an Aaron. Briar. It's so weird. Aaron's never heard the show. Bree made him submit.

I just figured that out just right now. That's fine. No. No. Like he didn't know who Aaron Or was.

Were you working downtown in a hospital? I was not downtown. Not far from downtown, but I'm a dentist. So I work for a a nonprofit dental clinic in Shambbley Georgia.

Oh. Oh. Do you know Shambli? Yeah. I drive past Duth. Do you wave to my parents?

I wave at the exit. You know, we do all the ceremonial. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so you can answer a question and this came up on a previous interview today. What percentage of your current clients are the result of Bird or Lime scooters?

Personally, not very many. Mostly because of their income status. They're walking. They're taking public transportation most of the time. But I do have a friend that works in private practice and I don't know percentage, but I would say it's getting up there. Ah,

my theory was that pickle ball and electric scooters have probably been the backbone of medicine over the last 6 years financially.

Oh, thousand%. And if you work in a college town like in Athens, I used to work for a dentist there. Always seeing 19 to 22 year olds coming in with chipped front teeth, typically because you're in a bar, maybe someone bumps into you while you're having a beverage. A glass bottle typically beats out enamel most days of the week.

I think I've had a couple people break some teeth in Athens. Yeah, so many ways you can get hurt drinking.

I know. It's not just a cerosis. There's a lot on the menu. Ways to go. Take your pick.

STDs. I mean, those are very related. Sure. You cannot get them in a lazy river.

No. Or a hot tub. We don't know about the hot tub. I didn't look into Did you go to Georgia?

I did. Yeah, that's Bri and I actually met there. So, go dogs. What years were you guys there the same? How old are you?

I'm 32. So Monica already had mothballs by the time you graduate. Texas UGG is coming up in a couple weeks. So you never know who you're going to.

Wow. Go to hell. Roll hook them. Maybe you can be Monica's guest in the box. Right.

I'd do that. I'd show up in a bunch of UT gear. Have to fight nine guys. Well, you showed up in UG gear.

UG. Well, you got the drift. God. Oh, wow. Okay, so you have a holiday nightmare story Aaron.

Yeah. So, Brandon's from Maryland. We just had a baby in August of 2023. Congrats.

That December, we were headed up driving to Maryland to do baby's first holiday season with her family. The only people at that time that had met the baby were her mom flew down. Everyone else was waiting for us to come up there to meet her. So, we get up to Maryland. We drive there. No issues. It's Christmas Eve. We're on our way from our hotel to my in-laws house and going probably 775 miles an hour on the highway about a/4 mile from our exit. I get over into the right lane and going and then all of a sudden big boom. Feel like I got punched in the chest. Brianna's immediately freaking out. baby I think was asleep and is now hysterically crying.

For whatever reason, I was pretty calm. I think it's when they say like one emotion can only be handled whatever percentage by each person. So, I think she had 110% of the panic.

I'm learning now. This is a Georgia theory. This is Monica's theory. It's not my theory. We learned it here and I just thought it was correct.

You should have been in my house. There's 600% rage happening from 10 people sometimes at once.

Yeah. You should have seen me in the car earlier. I pull over into the emergency lane. I look behind us and this old red Lincoln is slowly pulling up behind us. I tell Brand, "Make sure the baby's okay. I'm okay. Get out. Go." And I walk up to the driver's side window and it's an older guy, probably late 60s, early 70s, super apologetic. He's like, "I'm so sorry. I think I fell asleep."

Okay. So, he rearended you. He rearended us. I look at the damage. Not as bad as you would think, but I think that's because we were moving together. Yeah. If we were at a standstill, I'd probably be in a neck brace still, but our trunk was kind of pushed in. Trunk wouldn't open. So, some latch was bent there.

Your car or a rental? Our car. So, front end of his car, you know, it's a Lincoln. Not too bad. We exchange information. Police and EMS end up coming just to check everyone out. We all end up being fine. And so we end up going on our way. We get to the house, do dinner, and that was the end of the night. So luckily everyone was was okay. Car was still drivable. The next day, Christmas morning, we wake up, we pull the baby into bed, and Brianna pretty immediately is like, "Something's not right."

She feels hot to me. I feel her. I'm like, I mean, she's warm, but who isn't a little warm after they wake up, you know? She's all swaddled up.

Santa came. Yeah, exactly. Maybe she's just excited. Brian's like, "No, we need to take her temperature." So, we go, we're looking for the thermometer. [snorts] One thing we didn't bring with us. I'm like, "Okay, what's open on Christmas morning?" Thankfully, CVS is. So, I go to CVS, get a thermometer, come back, we go to take her temperature, and it's slowly it starts climbing. It's gone, you know, 100, 101, 102, hits 104. And at that point, it's still it's still going up. We pull it out. Every baby manual tells you like 10:04. It's go time.

Yeah. So, we're like, "Okay, emergency room." So, on Christmas morning, we head over to the emergency room. There's maybe two or three other people there. So, we're just kind of waiting to be seen. Nurse brings us back. They take her temperature. They're like, "Yeah, she's got a fever." Then, they do a flu and COVID test on her. She comes back negative for flu, but she is positive for CO.

WOW. WOW. UNCONVENTIONAL. TINY. And if you're wondering, they test babies for COVID the same way that they test big adults.

12 foot nasal swab. Yeah, I felt bad for everyone in the situation. I felt bad for the nurse having to do it. I felt bad for our daughter.

How old was she at this point? She was almost 4 months. The nurse says, "Really? I mean, there's nothing we can do. You take Tylenol to control her fever." And they're like, "Actually, infants tend to do really well with COVID." Surprisingly, I wasn't expecting that. So, we get in the car, we go back to our Homewood Suites room, and we call her family and we're like, we're going to be holding down the fort here this Christmas. So, they ended up coming doing like one of those drivebys kind of like in a retro co fashion where everyone was kind of waving for graduations and things like that and

put put some gifts on the sidewalk. The next day we get a call from Brianna's mom and she's like, "Hey, so yesterday I wasn't really feeling that great. This morning I was feeling even worse. So I took a COVID test and I'm positive for CO." So at this point we've been exposed and I have been exposed to CO. Our daughter has CO. My mother-in-law has CO. Everyone that lives in that house has been exposed to CO.

You're getting CO. Yeah. It's time. It's time to reconvene. We called our pediatrician and we're like this isn't immoral for us to like go like hang out with family and she's like honestly it's your call. You do what's in your best interest. And so we're like okay [ __ ] it. It's our last day here in Maryland. We're going to go spend time with family. We went. That was the end of the trip. We get back to Atlanta. No one else ended up getting CO. Just my daughter. Just my mother-in-law.

Christmas miracle. Yeah. Exactly. So a little bonus there. So I wish the story ended there. But there was one more cherry on top. I had given my car to the collision center to get fixed. I was given a rental car. This was probably about a month after the incident and I'm coming home from work in the rental car. And I'm pulling in our turn neighborhood. It's dark. In front of me, I see a deer run across the road. And so I slow down cuz typically if one deer comes across, you know, someone else is coming right behind it.

No deer. So I slowly start going and boom, loud thud in the passenger side. Oh no. I stop and I still think I have like PTSD from when the guy hit us from behind cuz I was like really kind of shook.

Yeah. You know, why does this keep happening? I was like, there's no way. Leave me alone.

So, I get out. The deer's gone, but has left a nice dent and some fur and a little bit of blood on the door. I sent Emma some pictures.

Oh, sure. Oh, wow. And what's interesting is the blood is quite a distance from the dent.

It must have hit and slid. Yeah. hour squirted to get a spatter analysis in here.

That's a substantial dent. Yeah, I don't I'd be pissed. I thought I was going to get out of this car accident scot-free without having to pay any money. I end up having to pay 500 bucks to get the rental fixed.

That's so annoying. Were you just like, I need this Christmas to be over. Yeah. Well, you know what's funny is I'm Jewish. I'm like,

I'm never celebrating Christmas again. This is why we don't celebrate Christmas.

Exactly. Why Hanukkah is eight nights. We spread out the the good juju. Real modest each night. Very subtle, small gift.

We don't want to blow it all in the first night. Well, Aaron is delightful to meet you.

Yeah. Thank you for Thanks for waiting for me. Of course. I'm glad you you didn't get too stressed out. And I'm gladly no one rear ended you.

No way. I know. So, I was like, I'm going to drive as safely as possible so I don't have another story.

To be honest, cuz you know, I live for stories at at any any cost. I'd be like, God, I hope I get rear ended cuz what a nice button for this story is that I even got rear ended on the way to tell the story about getting rear ended.

Well, some of the traffic was caused. I looked there was a brush fire on the side of the road and it's like Georgia's not typically known for brush fires.

God, I hope it doesn't take out the whole city like it did here. Yeah, it was nice to meet you.

Yeah, go dogs. I was afraid you were going to use that other phrase that, you know, that irritates us.

I've proposed to Monica cuz I think I just like saying roll so much. What if I said roll dogs and she's nothing will satisfy her other than go dogs?

Crescent rolls. Okay. What about um what rhymes with tide? No, I don't. Okay. Okay. Okay. We won't insnare you in this. Thank you for keeping me company on my drives up and down I 85. So you're a big part of my life. So I appreciate it.

Our pleasure. So nice having you. You're our kind of armchair. That's right. Yeah. We like

I'm one of the few husbands that pulled their wives into the folds. Look at that.

Love that. All right. Well, be well, brother. Awesome. I appreciate it. Thanks y'all.

All right. Take care. Well, that was great. Yeah. Makes you want to not have holiday.

No, I always want to have a holiday. I want to have a holiday, too. We hope you enjoy your holidays. armcheries

and keep your pepper spray stowed on this close on the holiday 2025. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song. Oh, okay. Great.

We don't have a song for this new show. So, here I go. Go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our juries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy.

Questions about this episode

What is "Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard" about?

The discussion centers on the humorous challenges and contradictions of holiday traditions, specifically during the holiday season, as the hosts share personal anecdotes and reflections. They touch on the quirks of parenting, beauty routines, and the universal theme of appreciating what you have while navigating the sometimes chaotic holiday atmosphere.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

26 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Georgia (U.S. state), Spades, Brianna, Interstate 85, Seven-year itch, Sprouts Farmers Market. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

The episode runs 38 min; the transcript is about 7,710 words in 221 timestamped sections.

More from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated December 19, 2025.