Transcript

Best of Monday 2025 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

From Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 18 min · 16,469 words · 412 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Best of Monday 2025 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard", an episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard published December 22, 2025 (1 h 18 min, about 16,469 words). It mentions 15 people, works and ideas, including Zoolander, Kristen, Charlie Sheen, Mindy Kaling, Dak Shepard.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Kristen, Dak Shepard, Lily Padman, Mark Maron
  2. – 20:00: Saddam
  3. – 30:00: Charlie Sheen, Dominic Fe
  4. – 50:00: Zoolander, Jennifer Aniston
  5. – 1:10:00: Mindy Kaling, Kristen
  6. – 1:17:33: Charlie Sheen

Notable quotes from "Best of Monday 2025 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm with Lily Padman.
    about Dak Shepard · at
  • Remember that you need to go up to people next time. Like you going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you. Like cuz that was like the biggest…
    about Olivia Rodrigo · at
  • Because I was like gh this is going to this going to be a problem for me. So Kristen is hosting the SAG awards.
    about Kristen · at
  • Calling? I remember getting up and my mom picking up the phone was Saddam has invaded Kuwait.
    about Saddam · at
  • I'm like an jackass. And it's it's a restaurant scene and it's the main characters Charlie Sheen and DB Sweeney and then and a bunch of other actors that I wasn't necessarily aware of.
    about Charlie Sheen · at
  • Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare from episode 949 with Dominic Fe.
    about Dominic Fe · at
  • Okay. like a painful the first audition I went to Zoolander.
    about Zoolander · at
  • From episode 864 with Mindy Kaling.
    about Mindy Kaling · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Kristen — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Charlie Sheen — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Mindy Kaling — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Dak Shepard — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Lily Padman — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm with Lily Padman.
  • Nikki Glazer — Person · 1 mention · first at
    From episode 861, Nikki Glazer. Well, last night I was at the Grammys and my boyfriend I'm just trying to be very small. Like I feel like I don't belong there. I don't want people even noticing.
  • Olivia Rodrigo — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Mark Maron — Person · 1 mention · first at
    This time. So I went back to look at that original monologue. I kid you not, there is a joke that is about Mark Maron. that Monica wrote that I wrote.
  • Mo Ammer — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Saddam — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Dominic Fe — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Jennifer Aniston — Person · 1 mention · first at
    From episode 960 with Jennifer Aniston.
  • Alexander Skarsgard — Person · 1 mention
  • Heather Lee Cameron — Person · 1 mention

Books & papers

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm with Lily Padman.

Hi. Today is Best of Mondays 2025. He's an armchair expert. He's an expert. From episode 861, Nikki Glazer. Well, last night I was at the Grammys and my boyfriend I'm just trying to be very small. Like I feel like I don't belong there. I don't want people even noticing me to go like why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy, but like I didn't win. I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to like hold it to be like I belong. I just wanted to um have a reason to be there. So I was being very small and then people were come you know people were coming up to me being like oh my god I love like people I'm fans of. And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were like, you know, just kind of doing a debrief afterwards. He's like, "You have I think you have to remember that you need to go up to people next time." Like you going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia

Rodrigo coming up to you. Like cuz that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, "But you could go give that to people." And I was like, "I don't think of anyone thinking of that they would want that from me."

Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't. That's That's one, you know, like Taylor, she's just everyone wants a piece. That one I'm just like I will never be the one to be like, "Excuse me ever." It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift because I won't even look her way. She It might

She's like tapping you on the shoulder and you're just like, I it it will have it will take that because I just will never and everyone goes, "Go up and say something to her." It's like she's got there's no way that she's dying for that in a night like this where everyone's doing it. And of course, she would be so nice. I I know exactly how it would go down, but I just I don't want to take someone's energy away that I require their energy to be put into making great music. That's what I I don't want her to make a less great song cuz she had to be like, "Nice to meet you." Oh, and like hold me as I'm crying. We don't need that. Something tells me I can't bother her. I generally after award shows get pretty depressed no matter what happens because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and like the desperation and like oh this

everyone's the same. Everyone has they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in and I'm like we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not. And it just it makes me a little bit sad cuz I'm like no matter how big you get you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated. It's it I kind of go through a depression afterwards.

It's seen the magic trick a bit. You realize, oh, there isn't any pixie dust. There is pixie dust. Like there's magical moments where you're like, "Wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing. They're like, you know, you know, just even watching Chapel Ran last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Rey, who I've never had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent."

Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act perhaps,

but you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama. Yes. And they're just people.

The reason I brought up the thing is cuz I wanted to do a full circle, which is Oh yes.

And this is important to say cuz I was like a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like gh this is going to this going to be a problem for me. So Kristen is hosting the SAG awards.

Oh my god. Really? Yes. and she hosted them in 2018 and that's when I was her producing partner and creative partner and so I wrote her monologue and I did all that stuff for her then and so she asked me to do that this time. So I went back to look at that original monologue. I kid you not, there is a joke that is about Mark Maron. that Monica wrote

that I wrote. That is We didn't have our show yet. That is literally the exact same joke. I loved that show. I loved that show. My jaw dropped. I had no memory of writing that joke. And also, I was like,

"Well, this joke is fine. This joke is fine. So, that joke has to be fine." That makes me feel so good. Like, it doesn't mean anything. He killed his closeup. He was such a good sport. I I Kristen showed it to me. She's like, I mean, look at this. We did the same thing.

It's so funny. So, I was like, I wrote this exact same joke. It's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before. But even when I get mad, it's everyone's such a hypocrite. Not that you were, but it's

No, I was unintentional. I hope that got to you in our debrief as well, which is as I was listening to the monologue panicked that I was going to get made fun of. I was doing a personal inventory, you know, and I was going, you you have done this many times like I I have done this. I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of The Expendables cuz I had a movie coming out against them

and they're easy targets and I can do all their accents. You know, maybe Sly was at home bombed. I it's hard for me to imagine that, but maybe cuz again in my in that in that situation I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum. These people won't really hear me.

They Yeah. And then I'm like and I was on a show called Punked where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly. I mean like I I had no I no point was ever judgmental and at no point did I act act like I was above that. What I more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us.

That's really nice. Which is like I want to get invited to the party. And the way I got invited to the party was like, yeah, you can come to the party if you [ __ ] on these [ __ ] these people on punk.

Yes. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then you get to the party and the people you [ __ ] on are there.

I know. For years I'm bumping into Timberlake and he hates my guts and I'm like my Don't you understand, buddy? I was like dead broke and that was my only chance.

Oh my god. He said so he remember he places you totally we've had him on and we talked it all through but like yeah I would see him for years and it was like yeah that guy doesn't like me and for good reason.

You forget these people have feelings and I generally the jokes I make are about you know at roast I feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it.

We should make a distinction cuz I heard you talking about it this morning and it's great. You're like Tom Brady's getting $25 million. He has consented.

Yes. Everyone that said yes to the Diaz, they am I saying it right? Diaz. The deas. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone who says yes for saying it wrong. I go, "Is it the DS?" And you go, "Yes, that's right. Deas,

I just want to give you what you want." Right. I'll ultimately be honest with you. So, that's going to that's going to track throughout this episode.

We have the same approach. Uh yeah, but there's there there is consent. Yes. And I have been invited to so many of those roasts and I'm like I just don't have thick enough skin. I'll just tell you like I I can't handle it. I'm very sensitive.

Thank God. Like I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast. Like I I put it out of my head. But even I did the Tom Brady one because it was like Tom Brady I got to do it. But the next roast that they threw at me I was going to say no to because I was like I'm too old now. Like when I was 35 getting called old you could kind of It didn't hurt.

I was like I don't feel it. But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it. And I just don't want I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face or that I have to then go

stare talk to someone about in an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it

and fix it, which I've done and I continue to do. And but I just don't want I don't want anyone else notice. Like I just don't want people to pay too close of attention. But then the Tom Brady roast, you just and then you you go, "Oh, good. I'm not the most famous person here, so there won't be that many jokes about me." And that's how it ended up. The next one I feel like I'm a little bit more famous. Yeah. Bigger target next time. So, we'll see. It's gonna have to be someone really, really good for me to do it again. It hurts a lot. Like,

it does, right? I I'm one of the only people who didn't watch the Tom Brady roast because I'm I can't even enjoy watching it. I just think of myself hearing that and I just I I'm very sensitive.

Um, embarrassingly so. I I am I don't read any comments about myself. I am um I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like not the general public because I don't think the general public has too many like trolls in their comments, but if you're a person a celebrity or a person,

you probably know you're a troll. If you're a a civilian and you someone saying you probably work with that person,

you should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago. That's just a simple block. But yeah, I just I don't I can post things now and not wor and not like go back. How many likes does it have? cuz I just go, it's none of your business anymore and you don't get to read anything cuz I can't handle it. I It will destroy me.

From episode 893 with Mo Ammer. So, Golf War breaks out in ' 91. 90. Yeah, 90. It was like uh August of 90. The reason why I remember exactly.

Oh, the invasion is the invasion. in the Iraqi invasion was then and I remember it quite well because

I was supposed to have my tonsils removed 2 days be you know 2 days before Yeah. after they came in. Yeah.

Oh wow. So I was like damn it. So now for the rest of my I still have my tonsillitis. Might have been a happy accident.

No it's not bro. They're miserable. I have enormous tonsils. I bet they're gorgeous.

They're massive. They are gorgeous. They are mountainous. You can ski over those [ __ ] things for sure. probably get them out now.

I am so scared. They're talking about like the way I've Yeah. Adults are supposed to do it. It's a bad It's a really It's like 50/50 bleed or something. Something crazy like heavy bleeding. Wasn't someone on here.

6 weeks to 8 weeks recovery. No talking. They cauterize it, but you can't feel you can't feel if it's bleeding down into your stomach and you can basically Yeah,

that's all I needed to hear to make it even worse. Why are the kids more Why are they able to

I don't know. They're just not as mature as easier to come. I think it's not as mature enough. It's very like it's a in-n-out procedure for kids.

But someone was just tell an adult was like really battling whether or not to do it. They don't like to do it on adults cuz it's bleeding.

I went to like the top specialist UCLA and they were like 50/50. They're going to bleed, you know, but you'll be fine. It's just going to take a lot longer to heal. I was like, you know what?

I'll just take antibiotics. I'm just fine. And what if I do a lot of voices, too? Like what if it affects

you know how I do all these accents and stuff? Like what if I just end up talking like Z time now? I just like my life is ruined cuz I sound terrible.

So the invasions in August, the the US enters as I remember cuz my birthday is January 2nd

and I got my license on in ' 91 on the 2nd and it was the only thing that played in the radio when I first I feel like it was like maybe January 1st of 91. the US entered.

Yep. I had left before that, but go ahead. You left before the US response. Yeah, it was pretty in it was really really intense because that was the first time I knew that we were stateless number one. Like I didn't know I just knew this happy life. I knew that we were,

you know, had family all next. I didn't know anything was wrong. Yeah. With like we couldn't just

I was like, why don't we just go to why don't we just go back to Palace? let's go to West like why can't we

right and they're like no we can't necessarily do that either it's not the best next step let's figure it out and it was the first time seeing you know your parents are this you see them and like they're your pillars like they're they're always in control there's nothing ever wrong

seemingly know everything seemingly know everything and to see them so worried and I remember this to this day that call at 6:00 a.m. I remember the phone ringing. You know, at those days, the phone wake up the entire house. You know, I was like, who the hell's calling? I remember getting up and my mom picking up the phone was like, "Saddam has invaded Kuwait."

Hangs up and now everyone is out to try to get as many resources for the house, food, rice, water, you know, thing, whatever you can get.

Yeah. To just store it. Um, and yeah, that's when everything changed. And they got to our house at one o'clock in the morning and I was passed I was asleep. I slept through the whole breaking of the door, ransacking the home. They were threatening my mom and my dad. Who's in this bedroom? Who's in his bedroom? They were pointing at my bedroom and they were threatening they were going to throw a grenade in the bedroom. Oh my god.

Like, tell us, tell us, tell us. And uh and you know my mom and my like they were trying to figure out who works at the Equator Oil Company since the whole reason of their invasion to begin with is the supposed siphoning of you know Iraqi uh uh um oil and whatnot whatever

was that their premise they were diagonally drilling in is that I don't know what exactly is it feels like you know

yeah that's a bigger conversation to me now I have as a grown ass man I see what's everything going on living in America. Now I know like who's been putting all these people in power and doing it whatever. Let's talk about that thing. But but that was the premise is that you know Kuwait was stealing from them and he's there to take it back. That's the idea. But then since it's the Kuwaiti oil company so our neighborhood was

Yeah. First stop. Absolutely. And it was all about collecting people who are you know

who could help manage and turn over the control of it. Exactly. Your dad's like, "I just do telephones."

Well, that's the biggest [ __ ] thing, right? Communication. Okay. That was like one of their

probably on their top five list. Oh, wow. You know, of you know, transferring all communication to where

transfer it to Edok, you know. Yeah. So, my dad had one choice. Either do it or we, you know, potentially your family is at risk. You know, might take them all out. Who know the

you're not going to find out if they're bluffing bluffing or not. Exactly. You're just going to say, "Yeah, it's me. What are you going to do?" Like, "What is he going to do?" So, he was forced

to go in and redirect. Oh, wow. Some of it from what I've heard, some of it at that time. And he regrets it. He doesn't didn't feel good about any of it. You know, he had to protect himself.

He loves he loves he loved Kuwait and he loved the people of Kuwait. He loved everything there and he was just saddened to see it all happen that way, but he was also just protecting our family. So like soldiers would show up early in the morning at our house and just constantly all throughout the whole street. It was pretty regular, but I felt like our house was like a spot, you know. Yeah.

Became that. And uh play soccer with these guys. Like there was just, you know, have me like hold the machine gun. I was like, I don't hold the machine gun.

You know, it was that weird like different life just everything changed, right? And trying to evaluate are these guys mean and evil or they weren't. Right. or but when you're when they first show up with the guns.

They had moments. They had moments though. I remember this guy, he had a thick stash, huge, but I was really fast as a kid and I played tons of soccer. So, I was killing these older guys. I was killing him. And he just boom, he just socks me real hard. And I remember being laid out on the ground and I look up and I see him and this is how he felt like he was laughing. He goes, "Uh uh." And I was like like a monster evil, bro. It felt evil. I know he's not, but he was just like [ __ ] with me, but he just it really h it just it just I can't forget his face. I can I can if a sketch artist was sitting here, I can draw him.

It's that kind of you never forget from episode 911 with Brad Pitt. You know, I've never had a gay experience. I kind of missed that window, but if I did, yeah, IT WOULDN'T BE YOU.

OH MAN, YOU HAD ME. THAT was going to say I was like he Dax is going to die to that

14th or 15th. I don't want to brag, but you're going to need to build up to me.

Oh boy. I do recommend you start with some some starters. Now, is this true that you left college a week before graduation?

No, I actually went through graduation. Oh, I just didn't finish my last week of classes and actually graduate.

But my parents were already coming. Oh. Oh, you went to the ceremony, but you didn't grab

[ __ ] walk the line. Hat and all cap. You wanted to be able to throw your hat.

Well, sure. It's very That's a crazy [ __ ] decision. No, because I decided come to LA.

You only had one week left. I had one week left. But what's the Spike Jones movie adaptation? Remember when Chris um Cooper goes he talks about he's into what is the the flowers?

Yeah, the lotus. Uh yeah. Yes. Lotuses. No, it wasn't lotus. Orchids. orchids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he talked about his former Jones was about was about fish or some kind of fish breeding. She said she I think it was Maril asking him what happens and he says

done with fish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I kind It felt like that for me. It just like

wow done. I don't want to do this. I talked to a friend. They had It never occurred to me I could like I was kind of lamented that movies weren't an option. I'd always loved movies. I met this um friend whose dad had a condo in Burbank and said I could stay there for one month.

H and I went green light. I'm going to it. I'm going to it. And he moved to Beverly.

Wow. What car did you drive out for that? Datson 2006. Oh wow. With the bumper hanging off.

Okay. Wasn't in great shape. You still have it? No. Oh. Sometimes it's fun to have those old original.

Do you fantasize about getting any of the stupid cars you have? cuz I had a 91 Honda Civic DX for a decade here and I want to get one and make it [ __ ] fast. I was just looking My dad had a 74 Monte Carlo though and I was just looking that up.

You got to get it. I was just looking it up. You got to get it just for fun. Just a little tribute.

How often are you scrolling those cars? Be honest. Yeah, just bring a trailer. As often as I'm scrolling Zillow.

Yeah, I know. Zillow will really I love I love house porn. House porn. car porn, bike porn.

Well, you've been in this situation for a long time, but it's for so long it was just I dreamt about it and then I could do it and then I did it. I bought too much stuff and

I saw the toys out there. It's fun. This is fun. This is me now like constrained. So, I have these like rules I have to have in place like I have to look at the car like 10 times and I got to want it still in four months, you know, like I

Ah, so you make sure that you put the time in to make it worth its while. That's right. I I I cuz I'm dangerous. I get on bring a trailer and I'm like, "Oh my [ __ ] god, I need that thing so bad."

Okay, so you drove out in a Dodson. I did hear a funny story about you um wanting to get your SAG card and and interjecting. I got shut down so hard.

You told I got shut down. I was doing extra work for about a year and a half before I even got into,

you know, got to do something real. I was do I was an extra and I was thrilled. I loved it. I couldn't believe I you'd be on set.

Yeah. And I started out and I mean when I landed in Burbank, I got the paper. I went to McDonald's. I had $275 left in my name. There were three extra agencies. You could pay him 25 bucks and you were in. I found it in the paper and I got in. The next day I'm going I'm rolling. I'm doing an industrial industrial like video by the end of the week.

Yeah. And and I get this um I get this gig. I'm I know that you're already inflating what what happened.

I'm an extra in this movie. I land this role. I land this job as extra. The funny that when I started I put them on like a resume like they were real and it still haunts me.

Oh, sure. It's still like on my Anyways, that's great. I'm like an jackass. And um it's it's a restaurant scene and it's the main characters Charlie Sheen and DB Sweeney and then and a bunch of other actors that I wasn't necessarily aware of. And I am the waiter. I supposed to bring up champagne and pour champagne. They show me how to do it. You got to pour. You spin. You wipe the thing. I said, "Great."

More than an extra. I come in. Well, it was a chosen extra. I got ch I was chosen. I got put forward.

Oh my gosh. And the whole game was how do you get your SAG card because you can't get a job if you don't have your SAG card.

But you can't get your SAG card unless you've had a job. So it was this catch 22.

And specifically, you need to speak. Yeah. You got to speak. That was the that was the

the barrier to entry. Yes. And like a jackass, they're having the scene. They're doing the scene. I get to the last the last um actor and she seemed lower on the totem pole like like I thought maybe and literally the scene is going on.

I pour her champagne and I go, "Would you like anything else?" I want the dailies from that.

Listen to this. Listen to this. It was It was first AD runs over. You do that again, you're out of here.

Oh my god. It was just shame for the rest of the night. That's so took a shot. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare from episode 949 with Dominic Fe. Okay. But you didn't get to cocaine or breaking house arrest.

Oh, yeah. So, you're in there focusing. It's doing wonders for your songwriting. But,

but I'm in a room all day and I'm trapped all day. And even now that that's my job, it's like I still know that I have to step away sometimes. Even if I want to, I know that it's healthy to step away.

Yeah. Isolation is it's a [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I start using everything I can. That has a short span in your stream. Coke is like three days. Yeah. Is that what it is?

I don't know. I was when I was looking it up. Work out. Do this. I wasn't taking a lot of piss tests when I was smoking crack. This may surprise you. I didn't hold any employment that

You know what's funny? Me neither, but I think it's like something in middle school that you do with friends when it comes to weed is like you guys discuss like the shelf life of drugs in your system.

I do know weed lasts for like a month. I I know that one. Yeah, everyone knows that. Every guy knows that.

Yeah. And meth lasts a while in your system, but I don't know the coke thing. I should have

Coke's one of the quicker ones. So, I'm doing Coke. Yeah, right. Yeah, because you might take a piss test. I guess you are on house arrest. That's true.

Yeah, on board. On board. And like the girls are always at work and and their mom lived there too, but she's always at work. She's trying to get me to go to school. She's like, "Dom, you need to do something with your life." I'm telling her I'm making a mixtape. Kid with a face tag smoking dope, doing coke in her [ __ ] apartment talking about a mixtape. You know,

I'm not necessarily investing on that. No one gave a damn. No one gave a damn. And then I get called in

for I think and it's right as I finish the last song on the mixtape. I'm up doing Coke that night and the dude calls me at 700 a.m. like Dominic, another drug test. And I'm thinking like oh I just did it

so it's probably not even in there yet. Oh [ __ ] Like what's up Pete? Give me the cup [ __ ]

He gives me the cup and I just failed and he put cuffs on me right there. I'd never been so in disbelief.

I was like we thought you had it all. People do that, won't it? That's the great thing about Coke. It makes you optimistic. That's why it's a relief.

And then I went to jail for for a while and and during that time in jail, I released the mixtape.

Yeah. So, how was the time in jail? You were in county. It's awesome. It was great. Highly recommend.

I had a good time in jail. Again, this is a stereotype, but I'm worried how cute you are.

I'm a little worried about how cute you are. Scary. I know. I hate to perpetuate. So, it's not really like that. Nervous. Okay. Tell us this thing called like PE pa pa rea something like that. It's some fourletter

acronym. Yeah. That is against prison rape. Okay. So we got some action in there now. It's huge. It's like it's a dare but if it's like they kept doing dare and it was a huge niche and it worked

cuz I was in Yeah. I had full long hair. This is before I you know I was like 20 20 year in there. I was a piece of

ass. There we go. You're a piece of I was call what it is. I was so Yeah. And I was in a um violent block because of my charge. So my my bunky was just a murdered his family.

Okay. Hilarious though. The funniest guy. Like the funniest guy. Well, if you can't laugh about murdering your family,

you know what? You can't laugh with him cuz you killed them all. Oh my god. Wait, how old are you at this point then?

I'm like 20. You're 20. Okay. And how long were you in jail? Like a year. Okay.

Yeah. So, you know, wait murdering. I did have one question. We blew past. Did you watch Florida Project?

No, I never watched Florida Project. I was never into people like making their projects about their like movies about my town because they always did it wrong and I just didn't want to be let down pissed off with

I don't think you will be with that. I I hadn't seen it when everyone else saw it, but then I loved Anora.

Yeah. And then so I went back great and watched Florida Project. Florida Project's better than Anora. And I love Anora. Florida Project is

That's a crazy tape. It's awesome. Sean Baker's amazing. Did he do Oh, he did Florida Project. He

did Florida Project. Okay. We love Sean Baker, though. Yes. And it has this impossible thing that like kids have once every 30 years someone captures little kids being little kids and it like you're like, how did they get this to happen? And it's like it's magic.

The first time you saw Dakota Fanning, what the [ __ ] going on? Yeah. I am Sammore ET.

Drew ET. Yeah. Yeah. So, you piss hot. You go to county. You release the music.

Now, this is so improbable. By the time you get out, Yeah. by the time they he gets out, there is a a bidding war.

Yeah. To sign you. Mhm. And you sign at Columbia for $4 million. Mhm. What I've heard a lot of This is up there with um

Kihi Kuan. Yeah. Kihi Kuan. Yes. He's on a a refugee ship. Oh, wow. within a year he's flying first class to [ __ ] uh

the Steven Spielberg to be an Indiana Jones. Wow. So yeah, this getting out of prison to a $4 million contract, how do you compute that?

Yeah. So I I don't know. It was the It was kind of like the first of its kind in that span of time to happen, too. This bidding war thing. I'd never been a part of anything

because it was big on Soundcloud, right? You had put it all on. I put on Soundcloud and then

um my manager Reed, who's still my manager to this day, takes it off real quick cuz he sees it starting to garner like attention.

Yeah. And um we had a couple like suits reach out. We never been in contact with anybody like that. I've been releasing music for 5 years at this point, you know, all over. Any way I can get it, I'm releasing it.

So then people start reaching out and these dudes start flying from California to visit me in the jail. Like

like I'm not even kidding you. I'm at the like this type of [ __ ] like with this dude that's like, "Hey, Dominic, you ready to be a millionaire?"

Yeah. And you're like, "I'm homeless." You're like, "I'm not doing this for a penny under 4 million. You can take 3 million, shove it in your

But what had happened?" What had happened was my mom is in jail and my dad's in jail at this point for 20 years. Both are facing 20 years because um my family this whole time, my family, they're huge heroin dealers,

huge heroin traffickers. My dad Sean, my stepdad Sean's a heroin trafficker. like we're all chilling at one point and we'd been doing this for years living in hotels selling coke and whatever the it worked out. It put me through school, you know, at the time and then they the doors all the doors get kicked down at our hotels and at our other houses and everyone's taken to jail. Marshalls, you know, it's it's in the news. I'm seeing them both. I'm like, "Oh, man. They're [ __ ] like 20 years each." So, I'm in jail, too. And my sister's up for adoption because of this. And my brother's in jail. And I need to get my sister out of adoption. I need to get my mom out of jail. and I need to get my stepdad out of jail. So, you know, each lawyer for them is 200 grand. 200 grand a piece. And then to get my sister out, I'm still paying for that to this day.

Wow. So, I'm like thinking about my position and and I'm homeless at the time, you know, and I need

yourself. This is my work that y'all are buying. So I'm all this is in my head, you know, at the time. And and it wasn't that I came up with like four million. It was just more like these dudes I could I had never seen money over $1,000.

So [ __ ] are like 200,000. I'm like that sounds like a not real number, I guess. Cool. I I'm not pushing it up. Another dude flies from another label, comes to the jail, says a bigger number. I And then I didn't even know this was a thing. I tell that dude that the guy said a bigger number. This [ __ ] goes with a bigger number. I'm like, "Wow, this I feel like I'm a like a you know athlete."

Yeah. You're in Jerry Maguire. Jerry McGuire. Yeah, dude. That movie is so funny. Um, we get to the point where we're in LA and on top of the Columbia building or the Sony building cuz at this point Rob Stringer's involved like the dude who owns Sony. He's like, "All right, who's this motherfucker?" Like everyone's throwing this money around. Who's this guy? He comes to meet me. We're in a meeting and at this point I got my like I got the I know how to do this money thing.

So I'm in the room and I'm like playing them songs and they're like, "Oh, these are so good." And then I'm like, "Yeah, well, you never know." And I and I'm about to walk out and Rob Stringer's like, "So what? Are we doing this or not?" Cuz he's a businessman. He's like a real I respect him so much.

He's like, "Are we doing this or not?" I'm like, "Well, I don't know." And Ron's like, "Maybe we could." And he's like, "No, no more millions. Are we doing this right now?" I'm like, "Yeah, I'll do it right now." And we just sign it and and and we pop a bottle of champagne on this rooftop. It's me, Rob, and a couple of my friends. And then I go into the bathroom and I'm like, "Yeah, I got to piss cuz all the champagne." And I'm looking at my phone, the bank account. Should I see the number jump at the urinal? And then from then on, I just don't remember. It's been like seven years of

from episode 879 with Dove Cameron. Were you having any guilt about being in Burbank?

Yeah. I I mean I it was a weird thing because to be completely honest, I tried to mend my relationship with my dad a lot. Mhm.

And I think there's this thing that happens with depression, a lot of people who are depressed, um, where they are perpetually pushing people away.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And for the entirety of like 13 and 14 and 15, I was really trying to connect with my dad. I think, you know, he was always a depressive person. Like my mom and him met and he was like,

"I'm super suicidal." And she was like, "Okay, I'm 20. We're going to try to get you out of this." You know, like

Yeah. So, so it was always sort of um there, but I really at 13 and 14 and 15, I was really just like, I miss my dad. I know something's weird.

He doesn't answer when I call. Well, the most heartbreaking part for it would seem to me is that you at least had the fantasy at all times, this will get repaired one day. Yeah,

I keep trying, but one day he's going to be feeling better and I can get it repaired.

Yeah, sorry. You know, and then to go like, uh, oh god, yeah, I'm not going to be able to repair that. Is [ __ ]

Yeah. really sad. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. It's um it's it's also like I think about this a lot because I was so young and I like I have a memory of him like coming to stay with us once in Burbank. Um and I just remember like thinking all the color had left his face and I didn't know like he was drinking so heavily and all of that. Mhm.

Um, and I remember being like young enough, like 14, he was staying on like a little blowup mattress or something in our living room and I just came out to like like he wasn't looking at me in the eye. Like it was all this stuff that I like didn't really I thought he was mad at me, right?

Yeah. And I like came to like say good night or like lay down next to him or something. And cuz I was still like a very young 14. Like I wasn't like a like mentally I was mature but I was still like I wasn't dating. I was I was very like my parents kid and I was very insulated

and like I don't know maybe like very protected and I remember like laying down next to him just for a second to be like cuddle time like routine and he like didn't really move and I remember him being like I think you should you should go to bed and I was like and I remember receiving that as just like such a rejection that like he didn't want to And I and I didn't know what it was. Like I truly thought he was angry with me for something. And you know when you're a kid like you blame yourself, you know, you really blame yourself. And so I was like maybe I'm behaving badly or something. I didn't really get it.

Or I would just feel guilty that I'm pursuing my own life. Yeah. Like was he mad that I'm pursuing my own life and I'm

I mean he was always like kind of vaguely supportive, I guess. Like he was worried about me more than anything. Like he was worried that I wasn't going to be able to survive in Hollywood. Um, and I knew that, but he was never like I the thing was I had gone back to see him after I had lived in LA for a year and I stayed like at our home for the summer at our at our family home and I I went cuz I wanted to spend the summer with my dad and I wanted to see him and we hadn't seen each other for so long and I remember him doing everything he could to get me to not stay with him. like he would send me to stay with my friends and I I actually

he probably didn't want you to see him while he was existing. Yeah. And I remember like he was like a famously um like tight walleted man. Like he was always like you get $100 for clothes every year before school and if you grow out of them that's your problem. Yeah. You go secondhand shopping six outfits out of this box.

Yeah. He's like if you grow that's your [ __ ] problem and then the rest like you have a sewing machine figure it out. And I was like all right. that he the the year the the summer that I stayed with him, I remember he was like just giving me money, like just cash money to get out of the house. And I was like,

that's so bizarre. And I I didn't really realize that he had already sort of put a plan in place where it was like

he didn't need it anymore. No, he got rid of all of the animals. He was getting rid of all of his money.

God, isn't it what weird to think of someone planning for that long? Something like that. Yeah, it

kind of goes against my stereotype of it like overwhelming you in a moment as opposed to

Right. Well, it might not have been as consciously planned as just like I I don't want anything like you're

you've lost even the desire. Yes. You've lost the desire to even care for anything or have anything. I I still go back and forth on that because I found out later that he was paying like my friend's mom to like get me groceries and all like basically was just like pawning me off on another family. And I was so

I honestly just thought he was mad at me. Like I internalized it like for 2 years that he was just mad at me

and I was constantly trying to fix our relationship and reach out and he just wasn't having it. Um, and so I I don't I don't think at the time I felt guilty for being in LA so much as like even when I was on the island still, he was not really wanting to see me. And so I was kind of like, I'm always here. I'm always wanting to get your side of the street clean. And I found out also that like he had attempted um something really publicly and my mom kept that from me and that was like a big

sort of turning point in like my mental health was just being like what do I not know is going on you know right

um and my mom was probably right to keep that from me but of course when I was like 14 or something I was like what the [ __ ] So, I I really didn't know what to think of it. Like, he the last thing he texted me was like, "I love you, Chlo." And then it was like, "We got a call the next day." And it was like

Yeah, it's really crazy. I I honestly don't like talk about it too much. Yeah, understandably.

Not because it's hard, honestly, because I I I do talk about it, but I talk about it with this kind of like here are the facts.

Yeah. You can disassoc Yeah. So, I went into therapy for the very first time like two three years ago or two, whatever it was. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Weirdly, since I was in recovery for so long, and I was like, well, I'm getting everything I need from there, but whatever. I did.

And yeah, I I can tell you my story. I can tell anyone my story. Yeah. And it is it's a list. It's a timeline.

Yeah. It's like then this happened, then this happened. And then in that therapy session as I was talking to him for the very first time, the emotions were attached to the timeline.

Yeah. and they just are not generally for me. Uh yeah. So I can relate to like these moments where like okay the emotions are here now with the story.

Yeah. Yeah. I think also like I think also some it's it's really hard to a lot of the time like trauma is very sensationalized. I'm sure you know

I've become very protective of that over the years because I used to be much more open about speaking about it. Um I had a friend who died very publicly um in the last few years and that was when I sort of tried to reorient a little bit my autonomy over like where what spaces I share that much.

Well, my therapist said to me, he's like, you know, some stuff you you can keep for yourself. Not because you're you're hiding it out of shame, but just it's yours to keep and you should keep it for yourself. also having it for you in a weird way, which was a new

concept. It's sort of the opposite of what we were talking about earlier, which I was actually going to say that like it I think it's actually okay, not out of shame, but when we were saying like sharing is important, and of course it is, but it's okay to have things that are just yours.

Yeah. And it doesn't mean like it's your secret. It's just like it's yours and you can protect.

Well, that's your life is just like sliding that line back and forth. And it's like, yeah, I felt comfortable with it here, and now I feel more comfortable with it here, and it'll probably change again, and it's fine. There's not a right or wrong. It's just like,

yeah. Am I betraying myself? Do I regret it later? Right. Right. You did make me cry today, though, cuz I was seeing the um tattoo that you got. And I have little girls and I say that

same thing to them all the time. Oh my god. Hi. That's so And I was like, "Oh my god, I can't." Uh, yeah. If they had to tattoo that on them at some point

cuz something went sideways, you know, it's just heartbreaking. What is it? What is the tattoo if you don't mind sharing? It says, "We'll be friends forever."

Which is just like the sweetest. Oh my god. I say to him like almost every day in the school. Like, you know, we're going to be best friends for your rest of your rest of my life.

Yeah. Yeah. Unless I get a procedure, hopefully 180. Yeah. You work maybe with them the whole time.

Yeah. I'm like, we're [ __ ] best friends from this day till the end. Well, and that's what it should be, right? Like I was I I'm so like moved to hear you say that about your girls cuz like

Oh, yeah. cuz I I truly was best friends with my dad like and he he really like he tried his best, you know? There's probably equally sweet relationships, but I find it hard to believe there are.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare from episode 923 with Alexander Scarsgard.

I was out here forever before I started working. Okay. like a a painful the first audition I I went to

Zoolander. Yeah, that's fine because then nothing happened for a long time American film wise.

We don't need to talk about that. Let's just talk focus on the fact that I booked my first audition.

That's very Ashton of you. So, it's one for one. You should have been back to Well, I did.

Oh, you did? I was working as a hot barista in Stockholm and then I I dad was shooting a movie out here in LA and we all came out

just to visit and my my dad's manager just like I'll send you out to an audition if you want and it was for Zoolander.

Yeah. Um and I booked that baby. Wow. Yeah. I remember thinking cuz again I didn't have representation out here. I'd never been on an audition. Yeah,

I'd never auditioned in Sweden for anything. I was just like, "Oh, I guess this is how Hollywood works." You walk into a room and Ben Stiller is sitting there and then you're like, "All right,

let's go to New York." And then, you know, listen to a little wham and drive down and have a gasoline fight.

Um, wow. So, then I went back to Stockholm and my dad's manager was like, "All right, that went all right. Um, if you want to,

we could build on that." Yeah. If you should come back when you know you're done with your whatever you're doing out there and we'll we'll send you out some all those coffees.

Yeah. Then I came out in I think 2003 maybe. Okay. Incredibly naive thinking like, "All right,

all right, Hollywood. I finally decided, you're welcome, Hollywood. I'm here. I'll take it."

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll find me at Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard. Come get me, Spielberg. And he didn't. And no one else did either.

Yeah. Cuz Zoolander's 2001. Yeah. And Generation Kills 2008. We shot it in 2007. Okay. Yeah. It came out in 2008. So, were you here the majority of those six years?

Yes, sir. Yes. Okay. This is what I want to live in because again, I did that. It's the most relatable part of your story.

Yeah. I like to be relatable. Yeah. We all do. But I I didn't have on top of that, well, my dad's great at it and he's really successful and I should be able to do this. Was that a compounding or was it fine or was it grueling? the dad relationship wasn't really grueling or that that wasn't something that I felt that I I didn't feel like an external pressure to like live up to or or or or um reach his level of success or it was

uh it was hard because I couldn't get a job. That was hard, you know, and and the fact that I came out of being very naive thinking like, "Oh, it's super easy."

Yeah. And Zoolander was a great experience and it was like also like a super fun movie.

And then I found myself like auditioning for things that I didn't really like, but I was also in a position where I had I was at another agency then.

Um and I was constantly worried that they would drop me because I wasn't booking anything.

Yeah. You're like paying to get new head shots all the time. You're just kind of

Yeah. And and and they, you know, pilot season you would I would audition a lot, not book anything. And then it would be like weeks without an audition. So when they finally called and they like we have this job audition. Um even if I felt like I this is terrible and I'm so not right for it.

You had to have to do it cuz then like I was constantly worried they would be like well you know what I think it's time for us to part ways.

Yeah. And that's I don't know if you have to do that but like auditioning for stuff that you don't believe in.

Oh and where you feel like you're completely wrong for it. It you feel dirty in your soul like it was horrible.

Yeah. you're already worried you're not good enough to do this job and then when you go in and try to put your square peg in that round hole it just is like oh my god

you mix with no you think sometimes you think you're too good to do it you're like I'm better than this horrible piece of [ __ ] and then you don't book it and you're like oh my god what is this like

yeah and then you get from there to being like well I'm clearly not better than this horrible piece of [ __ ] but I'm so wrong for it and I know I'm not going to book it but I still have to go into that room and be get humiliated.

Yeah. Um so I Yeah. Well, the first couple years I went out with a bunch of friends from Sweden

and we kind of had a little we first we rented like a little pool house in Santa Monica. So four of us lived in a small pool house of this Swedish lady.

Yeah. And then we rented a a small apartment but so we had each other. I didn't know anyone else out here.

Right. So and we were definitely not plugged into the city or like the night life or like

Okay. We would Yeah. on on Saturdays, we would like play pingpong in our pool house in Santa Monica and drink beer and then take a cab into Hollywood to try to get into a nightclub knowing that we wouldn't get in.

Four dudes, um, get turned around and then happily get back in the cab and go back to Santa Monica, keep drinking beer, play more ping pong. So that was like our weekend routine.

Having done that, do you ever now like this happened to me? went to Craig's and I you know there's so do you ever go to Craigs? Have you ever been to Craigslist and West Hollywoodish? It's a restaurant and there's always paparazzi there and it's always like

it's a hot spot. It's a hot spot and I just imagine you going to Craig's now or coming out like it'd be a frenzy. it'd be like a whole to-do. And I wonder how you can can sort of reconcile that as someone who would just like stand in the line at the club and never be able to get in and now they're like they would die for you to comment. Is that Can you like integrate that?

No, I just remember after a couple years we met a a Swedish girl out here who like and and she was plugged into the city and she was so nice. Yeah. She moved out of here when she was like 20, but she was very plugged into the city.

Okay. and she would take pity on us. So, she would like I remember like we would try to get into a nightclub, couldn't get in, and my buddy called her and like, "Helena, do you know anyone here at the club? Can we get and she's like, "I'll be right down, boys." And then she would come down in her sweatpants

to just like you, sell the pointer to be like the bouncer was like, "Hey, can you let these guys in?" Yeah.

And it's like, "All right, Helena." And then she would go back home. So, she wouldn't even go out. Like was so sweet of her. She like she knew that we spent years going like into clubs, not getting in back to Santa Monica to play ping pong. So a couple of times we did like have the luxury of getting in somewhere.

I can tell you how I integrated. I wanted that. Yeah. And I have it and I love that.

I love that when I drive by all these places that for years kind of haunted me like I'd be afraid to even try to get in.

Yeah. Just knowing as I drive by, oh, they would let me in. Yeah. I love that. But I can't, and again, this is the yantog, the Swedish thing. I can't walk up to a bouncer. Like, if there's a line, I can't walk up and be like, "What's up?

Let me in. Google me." Succession, [ __ ] Dude, Google me. Yeah, Google me. I dare you.

But you wouldn't have to. As soon as you get out of the car, they're going to be like, "Oh, oh, Alex is here. We got to get him in." Like,

yeah, but the sweet of me would be like, "I'm going to wait. Look down. Back of the line. Shut up. Wait for your time. your turn to to get in.

It's all wasted on you. Really? It is. It really is. Cuz I don't do it. But I do I do know what it was like to be so on the outside. And when I drive by I'm not even going to the places, but I just go like, "Oh, you could you moved here and you were looking at it and you couldn't have it and you can't you have it now."

I what that was I remember it being a conversation that we often had as we were like waiting for the cab to take us back to Santa Monica. We would be like in 10 years.

Yep. If we stand here on Santa Monica Boulevard, you think we could get into any of these clubs?

One day. Will one of us be able to get the others in? Like, can we leave Elena alone?

Can we let Elena sleep? Can we take her off the clock? Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing to get to get to that place here.

Yeah. From episode 960 with Jennifer Aniston. We're talking about kids and this might be a no no, but I I'm I'm curious.

Hit it. You can ask me anything. Okay. I froze my eggs. Mhm. Twice. It went very badly. I did a podcast about it. It was, you know, following the journey. It was a whole thing. and I'm 38 and I am single and I'm, you know, feeling like time to start making some big decisions. It kind of feels like now or neverish to even try with some of those eggs. And I'm starting to just feel like I think it's I think it's never.

And why? Because now like Can I ask you a bigger question? Yes, please. Are you doing that? The freezing. Yeah.

Have you always wanted children? I've always not known if you wanted them. Yes. So, it's never It's not like We had Chelsea on that podcast, Chelsea Handler, who I know we both love, and she, you know, she's kind of always been like, "No, I don't."

It's very cut and dry. Nope. Not my thing. Not her thing. And I like I I respect it and I wish I had that because it's not that. It's very much like, oh,

but I do like I I'm very close with their kids and it's like, oh my god, to have one of these that's mine, you know, you get you get kind of wrapped up in it. But also, my life is also very full. What you just said about all your friends and and your life, I have the same thing. So, it kind of feels like

I may maybe it's okay that I don't. And I I wonder you've said like, you know, yeah,

you're on the other side of that. And I wonder if there's peace there. Oh, it's so peaceful.

You have you're like it's I'm good. It's so peaceful. But I will say well there's a point where it's like it's out of my control. There's literally nothing I can do about it.

Yeah. And when people say but you can adopt. I don't want to adopt. Yeah. I would I want my own DNA in a little person. Yes.

And that's the only selfish or not whatever that is. I wanted it to come. But is there the moments of

m Um, well, this goes around into probably a topic I don't really want to talk discuss, but when you meet someone and you go, "God, I would have we would have made some good kids."

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. So, that might come up and then that'll pass within 3 seconds.

Right. And then you're like, but but guess what? You'll plan a trip to Mexico. Yeah.

You'll be on that trip. Just take a look at that vacation for 5 minutes. And you're like, oh, good night. Bye. See you later. What are we going to watch?

Yes. Okay. That's like that. So, it's it's the it's because it's a it's like a it's it's a romanticizing, but once you are on the other side of it, there is definitely a um Yeah. Cuz it's out of your out of your control. Just wasn't in the plan.

Whatever the plan was. Exactly. I do think some people though like can't let it go.

Let it go. And I I worry I guess that would be me but may but hope but come over and I'll help you let it go.

Okay, I'll take that invite. Yes. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. It is a lot. And by the way, it's very emotional especially in the moment when you are get when they say, "Oh, it's that's it."

Yeah. It's there because there is a weird moment when that happens. This is getting too dark for this podcast. But it's like it's there's a moment when you are It's actually Oh, yeah. This is not even viable.

Exactly. So, oh, that's probably a blessing and a curse. It probably hurts really bad and then probably you move into acceptance mode and it probably is liberating on the other side. I would I would guess.

Yeah. I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside and I knew Sandler

from forever. Uhhuh. You knew him pre? Yes. Oh, wow. Cuz he was very good friends with Charlie Schlaughter who played Ferris Beller in the television version of Ferris Buer's Day Off. Wow, you guys go. So,

so we met at Jerry's Deli in like 1912. Wow. Um 1912. And then um just before the Spanish flu,

just before right before. So, yeah. So, and I I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show. It's a very maledominated. And I mean, I would love to be here if it was like in the Gilda Rner day. I I mean this is what I my my semi the brain that semi- remembers things that are back that far. Yes.

Something like that. Okay. I got Okay, that makes sense. And then and then it was like well I don't remember what happened in there and then I I can't remember but I just remember friends then happened and then that's where I went.

You really [ __ ] up. You chose wrong. You think so? Oh my god. Yes. Well [ __ ] people say regrets. We I could be interviewing you and I could be going, "So, you turned down friends for us and and people would be like "Oh

that would be the saddest story." Yeah. Yeah. It all works out ultimately. I don't think there's ever everything is sort of

planned meant to be. From episode 846 with Adam Scott. So obviously since then you have done a ton of stuff but um severance is like the most spectacular thing and as you know cuz Chris and I sent you voicemails.

Yes. Almost after every episode. Yes. I'd like to play a couple of these. Oh. Hey. So we're in bed and we just had a quick question.

Hi. We just had a quick question. Are you guys [ __ ] drawing this new season? Is that what's taking so long? What in the godamn hell is taking so long?

These are the kind of messages you would receive after every You son of a [ __ ] You wanted the compliments. Well, here comes the [ __ ] complaints. Belle and I just sat here on the edge of our seat waiting to find out what happens when you guys come to

You [ __ ] prick. You piece of [ __ ] prick. And that goes for Ben, too. Losers.

Oh, buddy. Are we [ __ ] pissed that this episode just ended when the switches were thrown? So, you wanted the [ __ ] cake and now you got to take the rat poison, too. You piece of [ __ ]

Okay, so that's kind of an hour. Was that for the finale? It was I think one before.

Oh, the one right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just got to This ended up being three.

Oh, another thing. It's going to be a long [ __ ] week for us and for you. Yeah, cuz we're waiting. So, either block my number or get used to this [ __ ]

[ __ ] you. You piece of [ __ ] Okay. And then the last one. Quick update you'd probably find funny. My wife just ran through a plate glass window off the second story of our home and was rushed to the hospital. You probably want to know if she's still alive. I will tell you next week.

I have all those on my phone as well. Um, I want to play your response. Just uh one of your responses which is is so good.

You can't imagine how much pleasure it gives me to have the both of you over a barrel like this. I may as well tell you now that the entire season was created just to frustrate and destroy the both of you. Eat [ __ ]

You're so [ __ ] Oh yeah, that's cute. Yeah, there's a scene in the show actually where we were on the side of the road at the site of my wife's car accident in like the seventh episode and just by sheer coincidence because we shot the whole season at once. It was on the oneyear anniversary of my mom dying.

Oh wow. Which was completely and I didn't realize it till that day. And so there were things like that where I could pretty directly just

let out how you were feeling. Yeah. And process. When you shut the door to the apartment and you go,

"Yeah, we got some dealing to do." Are you overcome with fear for that process or what's your reaction to knowing

that? Like, oh, we're going to go through some stuff now and we're going to be by ourselves.

Yeah. And we're going to get into this. I think that I'm a person who tries to compartmentalize and push things to a later date.

Yeah. And so I think I busied myself with the getting ready for the show and the election was about to happen and so I was preoccupied with that and and so I closed that door and was like, "Oh shit." and really felt the the loss right there like, "Oh, there is a giant elephant in in this room with me, but it'll be there. I'm here for 8 months or whatever. I'll be fine." And eventually after a few weeks and just hours of alone time because no one was socializing really

and restaurants, you know, it was so weird that I uh that I really did have to uh figure it out there. And I didn't talk to a therapist while I was there and I really should have. I did kind of in a way sort of come to terms with it and come to terms with the fact that grief is something that is a flat circle in one way or the other. It it stays with you and sometimes it feels like it happened 10 minutes ago and sometimes it feels like it happened 50 years ago.

Yeah. And sometimes it's surreal that that person is no longer in your life. It's just like unbelievable. It's really hard to imagine someone exists and they don't. As dumb and simple as that is to say, it is so weird that you can exist and then not exist.

Yeah. and someone that is so instrumental in who you are. You know, I one thing I did kind of realize is that as you know, this thing that that I'm doing for a living, um, one thing I realized is that when she was gone, I I realized that part of the reason I was doing this in the first place was for her to see it.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, of course. Yeah. And so when that was gone, I was sort of like, well, who am I who am I going to impress?

Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, I had to straighten that out and and and sort of come to terms with the fact that these feelings and this love that you have for a person and their love for you is, you know, doesn't go anywhere. It's it's still it's still here.

Yeah. It's kind of what you're made of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the structure of you is that.

That's right. And a parent dying is sort of a big it's like part of the sky going away or something. It's sort of a big thing.

Well, it's the thing you're most tethered to. Yeah. So, when my dad died, I had these conflicting feelings of like a he had become a dependent of mine

and so we were in this relationship supporting him. So unfortunately a lot of our conversations over those last few years were like I need this or can it's just not a great dynamic

and then you know I lived with my mom primarily my whole life. Yeah. And he when he was dying it was a lot of work for me. So I had this conflicting I felt a sense of relief when he died.

Yeah. And I was like okay this battle's over. We got him through it without too much carnage. That's that's a win. And so I think I had like I had a misleading sense of relief for a few months

and then opened up the door to like, oh, I'm never going to chat with him again or I'm never going he's not going to see anything I do, you know? But

through all of that, I was like, also, thank God it's not my mom. Yeah. Cuz my mom for me is the thing you're talking about. Like Dax wants to live in the woods and [ __ ] be annihilated drunk all day. anything I've ever done positive was cuz my mom believed in enough

that I was a good boy and I needed to make her happy. And so I've often thought like if she's not around for me to even think, what would she think? That feels like a very scary place for me to be in.

Yeah. I really rely on her to almost be my super ego. Yeah. just like in the back of your head. Your mom is uh this very unique station that

it's so [ __ ] thankless. Like do you watch Naomi and I watch Chris and my god what Jesus Christ?

And meanwhile I'm walking around like you know I know they're like dad. Yeah. I know. You know that Mick Crawl special where he's just like

yes moms are annoying and they are. Why? It's so unfair. because they know you so intimately well

in a way that no one else does. Not your dad, no one. They just know they were in your body.

Well, who you were able to be scared in front of, vulnerable. Yeah. I mean, even as an adult, you know, something would happen.

Yeah. I would call her and no matter how embarrassing, you know, that that call is there.

Yes. You know, to your point, guaranteed I'm feeling better when I Yeah. get off the phone with my mom.

100%. She'd somehow find the silver lining in this horrific and give you the kernel of advice, whatever it is.

Yeah. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. from episode 864 with Mindy Kaling.

So interesting. I worked in The Office for eight years. Love the experience. Largely male cast. What I want to write about is about women who are ambitious and lust after people that they're not interested in because then every subsequent show, The Sex Lives of College Girls, this new Kate Hudson show, it's all just about women who are trying to make the most of what they have and have sex and be successful. The correlation from how I was in high school and what I didn't have is just expressed in those shows that I was able to do after The Office. But it's really interesting to me. My shows have a lot of horny women. My friend BJ Novak makes this joke that every trailer for any Mindy Kaling show has a hot man's torso in slow motion. And I was like, "How dare you? That's incredibly reductive.

That's not true." And then it is true. Yeah. Every trailer. It's great. It's your turn. It's like Pauline Shalamé, Kate Hudson, Mike Rama Christian, their head is turning and it's just like those 80s movies that they can't make anymore. The National movies where it's like a guy is following a bouncing girl on the volleyball team.

And Running Point, she enters the coach's domain and he happens to be shirtless doing pull-ups. I do a lot of pull-ups. Almost never shirtless.

I mean, that's a good point. You can give it a try. It's a solid point. Might be better.

It was Jay Ellis. So Jay Ellis on your show and he's like, "Could I wear my sweatshirt for my pull-ups?" You'd be like, "Whatever makes you comfortable, Jay." But if it's all the same to you for the story,

it's like having Jordan there and there's two sports on the table. You could either film him playing ice hockey or play basketball. We should have him probably play basketball.

We should have him play basketball. Yeah, we should get that top off and see how many pull-ups we can.

And for the record, J is a very funny part in this. He's more than just his hot body. But for the trailer, yeah, you got it. You got to hook him. I'm still thinking about when dads call me hot at the beginning.

Yeah, you're very hot. I follow you on Instagram and I often look at pictures of you and I go, "She's so hot."

That's like really nice. I've told Monica that I'm not doing this for new information.

Well, that's the outcome you hope for when you post those photos. And you think, oh, in the best some anonymous pervert in the middle of the country thinks that, but to think a celebrity is thinking you're hot, that's pretty good.

I would guess many, in fact, most people think that about you. That's new and that feels nice. Thank you.

Okay. So, you liked boys, but did you not have a boyfriend through high school?

No, not even through college. Now, this is really personable, but we just talked about mine, and I got to bring you into it, Monica. Sure.

There becomes a point when I met Monica, she was 27,8. And as she was approaching 30, I just started getting the sense maybe Monica hadn't.

I probably told you. Well, I asked you ultimately. I said to Kristen, "I don't think Monica's been with a dude." And she's like, "Yeah, I think she has." I'm like, "I don't think so." And then I needed resolution to that kind of argument.

Professionally, you needed to. Well, luckily she didn't work for me. That's true. At the time,

we were just friends. We argued about podcasts all the time. She hadn't. And then my first thought was, is it a religious thing?

Right. Waiting for marriage. Yeah. I was like, do you want to be married? Is it a religious thing?

You kind of want to say yes. There was a part of me that wanted to say, "Yeah, there's a real reason that I haven't and there's a reason nobody wants to have sex with me. It's because I'm waiting for marriage." But no, I was just like, "No, it's just hasn't happened."

But then it becomes a thing, as Monica explained to me, where it's like now you pass some point where you're like, "Oh my god, people are going to think this is weird about me." Were you starting to have any of those fears? Yeah, you were describing the premise of The 40-year-old Virgin, my first movie, which is good to hear that besides being just a funny comedy. You're like a speaking to a truth. In my mind, I said, "This has to happen before I'm 24." And I don't know whether I heard this afterwards or not, but I remember one of the great gifts that Tina Fey I think has given to us besides just being really funny and I love 30 Rock and just being such an amazing joke writer is I think at some point and she's not someone who is super open, but she said in a book or something that she lost her virginity at age 24 and I remember thinking that's like a very nice thing to do.

It's a gift to give some guideposts to nerdy women. She's beautiful, smart, happy marriage, beautiful daughters. And I thought that was great because we can't all be Dax.

We can't all be 12 and [ __ ] Well, hold on, guys. Don't make me the enemy. No, no, no.

I was in a hick town and I was super large and we were bored. No, no, no. And I feel like I keep making you feel selfconscious about it, but so I remember thinking that and it happened before then.

Good for you. You're way ahead of me. Did you? Many had this too. There is an ambition. So, if you do decide you're going to do something, anything in the world, you will figure out how to do it.

That's true. And I think you pretty much were like, I'm doing this. It was like a ticking clock. At one point, I was like, it really is time. I wasn't like, I don't care who doesn't have to be the love of your life. That was similar to how I felt.

I didn't need that, but I didn't want to have a random hookup. And then I was never in a relationship. So, I was like, how am I going to do it? So, one thing I think that's tricky about Indian culture is this idea that in my house, dating or any of that was pretty much forbidden. In high school, no one is dating, by the way. Not that anyone was coming after me or anything, but I also knew that it was not an option. And then you're expected to sort of like go to college and then meet someone and know how to date and then fall in love and get married, but with what skills?

And everyone's already had five girlfriends that you're going to meet. I've not yet kissed somebody or even know how to be normal in romantic intimate situations. Forget even about sexual situations. Situations when someone wants to go to the movies with you and you're like, I only know how to do this with my female friend.

Yeah. Like I know how to go to the movie with my cousin. Yeah. What do I eat when I'm with you? Am I getting the popcorn and the milk duds?

You've seen this probably people go into I think I just need to have sex right now. Right. And so I didn't go through that but I now that I have three children definitely want to destigmatize this. You know I do feel pretty Indian and Hindu in a lot of ways and I really want to instill that in my kids culturally. But I do think what I want for them is to be like yeah you can go on a date or you can like somebody and talk to me about it. Because I didn't love going into college being like does a kiss with someone then mean we have to then take this all the way to its completion?

Yeah. I didn't love that. It's also a source of a lot of my comedic storytelling. Never have I ever is literally about a nerd who asks the hottest guy at school, would you have sex with me? Growing up in the 80s and the '9s, and I think Dex were about the same age,

four years older than you, but then you Yes. Yes. Yes. 75. Uh, sorry. You go ahead and say sorry.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you 50? I just turned 50. Congratulations. That's a good one.

I made it. So, in the 80s and 90s, it felt like there was so many coming of age for this like very specific kind of guy, a geeky guy, Can't Buy Me Love. And then later, Jud did it with Superbad. And this is why I've always feel like it's crazy when people can't watch things with subtitles because I'm like, my entire life was being able to relate to characters who look nothing like me. I can do it easily. I'm very invested in Ross and Rachel and we were on a break and like I can relate to them. And so, it's crazy when people are like, I can't watch Parasite. What if they're dyslexic? First of all, I loved Parasite, but what if reading takes so much of your concentration, you're totally missing all the visuals?

That's a separate situation. And sometimes I find subtitles annoying, too, when I just want to relax. So, I felt like that felt really untapped and fun. This thing that I could relate to and wanting to do shows and TV about that kind of stuff.

From episode 954 with Charlie Sheen. Will you tell her about the time that you're visibly falling asleep on camera?

Yeah. No, that was um I don't know where that came from. I don't know. I I think I do. I think it came probably from you know some sexual behavior of that I'd heard about, right?

Okay. But I'd never done it. Okay. She's like, "What the hell are we on the doorstep over here?" I was filming a movie in Canada called Free Money and um I'd been I've been going way too hard and I it was it was like midday and I had this scene in a cafe or a diner, right?

Yeah. And I was trying to get through it and I kept I ke the dialogue just you know some days it's just it's in a different language, right? Mhm.

But it wasn't it wasn't so much about the dialogue, it was about the level of fatigue. And I thought I was keeping it together, you know, and the director between takes he walks up and he says, "Hey, man. Um, I I I I see you falling asleep on camera in the

Yeah. And I've never done heroin, right? And that's like a heroin thing, right? Boom. Whoa." Or even Suboxone, right?

Um, which is like, you know, contemporary methadone. Yes. I'm telling her. and she's your co-host. She knows she doesn't know much about you know I've seen all these drug documentaries I know about them.

Okay. So um and overprescribed everywhere on planet Earth and needs to right needs needs a closer look at that [ __ ] Right.

And so I said, "Okay, oh [ __ ] All right. U my bad. Um I need a I need a cup of ice. Bring me a cup of ice." He's like, "Okay, what what do you what do you what do you want to what do you want to drink?" I'm like, "Just the ice."

And he's like, "Okay." I said, "Give me a minute." So I go into the bathroom. I'm like, "Okay, I heard about this somewhere else, but for, you know, sexual reasons. I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna stick an ice cube up my butt."

No. Yeah. And And I'm pretty sure And it was a good size one. Um I didn't want it to melt. And

you got one of those like big round ones they make for whiskey. If I see it in the cup, I'm like, "No, no, no. I need a rocket ballized piece of ice."

Can you imagine? Yeah. And I And I keed it like I was sneaking drugs into prison, right? and and and freaking um and was suddenly wide awake cuz it was so uncomfortable. It was so [ __ ] It was so cold. Not to mention the cleansing you were probably doing to keep it in.

Yeah. Also, the leaking. Yeah. You're just leaking. You're not peeing, right? But I think I was in a um I was in like a conductor's jumpsuit.

You know that the overall thing tells you the quality of the movie, right? Um and I came back to set and I'm like, "Let's do this."

You're so hilarious, man. Monica, there's footage of these takes in the movie, which is incredible.

Yeah. And then I've got sort of the melty clock going, right? Like, how many takes is he going to need, right? And and we we got through it. And I think after that, I wasn't like, "Oh, I better go get the ice cube out."

Because we've all, you know, thought about like the perfect crime, you know, you shoot somebody with an ice cube bullet and then there's no no ballistics, right? So, I'm like, "Okay, it's just going to vanish. there there will be no ballistics in this crime scene, right? And so and so we made the day. But when I when I when I saw that scene in the dock, I'm like, why didn't they just send me home,

right? That exactly that's a that guy's not well. That guy's not well. You know, dad and I go down to take part in a TV show that's pitch

Oh, this is going to blow your [ __ ] mind. Actors against athletes, and the card we drew was Michael Jordan.

So, we're It's a twoon one. It's a twoon-one versus Jordan. It's a three-part competition. It's a It's free throws, a game of horse, and then a twoon one. Yeah.

Oh, no. Wait till you hear how it plays out. Monica, I mean, do you want to know or you just want to watch it?

I want to know. Okay. She loves Jordan. We We beat him. Not only did No, no, no, no. Not Not only did he He He

How is this possible? Not only did he beat him, this is where he has these these absolute like

mythical strokes of magic. Yeah. He hit eight. Charlie hit eight free throws in a row.

Did you even Did you play basketball? No, I played baseball. But I shot with dad in the backyard like my whole life growing up. Yeah.

Hit an 18 foot jumper in the two on two to to steal it to win the game. This is better than normal life. Nuts. He gets out of treatment. He is dead. He's dead. One of his times getting out of treatment. Dad picks him up.

He wants to just watch baseball. He loves baseball. They stop by this place and there's grown men playing a game of baseball in a league and because they're them, they all of a sudden they let Charlie take an app back.

First swing, out of treatment, life's over. Home run. Of course you're confused. You got like superpowers and then you're super human on. I mean, you're extra human and you have superpowers.

This is too much to like be holding all at once. But on the drive back from the Jordan thing, um, I've got the scene with me.

Uhhuh. Because I know that like on Tuesday or maybe even Monday, I have to report back and do this thing. Yes.

And so I read it with dad in the limo just having done the Jordan thing working on Beller, right?

And he he we read it once. I didn't do anything with it. And he stopped me and said, "That's that's it. You've nailed it."

And I was confused. I was like, "I I didn't I didn't I did nothing." Yeah. Yeah.

And he said, "It took me 30 years to learn how not to do that." Yeah. As a trip.

So that's kind of what I walked in with. And and I was really hoping that Hughes was going to be okay with this giant, you know, very specific piece of advice.

Yeah. You know, and and he was. Yeah. And he was. But of course on the day I overslept and I was two hours late and it was like,

"Really?" Oh, yeah. It was awful. He gets a he gets a job. This is this is this is again this is an easy theory to make and I want you to tell me if you think there's anything realistic to this which is these things come incredibly easy to you and something about the subconscious goes this isn't right.

Yeah. And and we're going to fix it and the way we fix it is we're going to destroy it.

Right. Sure. Some self- sabotage. Sure. But this was I think before Oh yeah. Yeah.

But there's an inkling of it. It's like how are you on time to get the job? You get the job too easy. You go win a game with Jordan. Somehow you can't [ __ ] wake up on time.

That's a good point. Why can't you wake up on time? You weren't late for the thing.

You weren't late for that. Yeah. You know, you got that too easy and now we're like, you have a reason, but it's suspicious.

Yeah, it is suspicious. Even sitting here today, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. Uh, and a lot of your stuff doesn't make sense.

You can't you can't draw it up, right? You can't plan it, you know?

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Best of Monday 2025 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

In order: 0:00 Kristen, Dak Shepard, Lily Padman, Mark Maron; 10:00 Saddam; 20:00 Charlie Sheen, Dominic Fe; 40:00 Zoolander, Jennifer Aniston; 1:00:00 Mindy Kaling, Kristen; 1:10:00 Charlie Sheen.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

15 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Zoolander, Kristen, Charlie Sheen, Mindy Kaling, Dak Shepard, Lily Padman. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Best of Monday 2025 | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

The episode runs 1 h 18 min; the transcript is about 16,469 words in 412 timestamped sections.

More from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.