Transcript

Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

From Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 10 min · 15,799 words · 402 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard", an episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard published February 9, 2026 (1 h 10 min, about 15,799 words). It mentions 15 people, works and ideas, including Marseille, MGM Plus, Big Bang, Ozark, Flight Attendant.

What this episode is about

Kaley Cuoco discusses her early involvement in the show, her life in Thousand Oaks, and her family's connection to the area, sharing personal anecdotes about her ranch and the unique landscape. The conversation touches on her experiences during the pandemic and the sense of community in her relocated home.

Key takeaways

  • Rescue farms are the ultimate reality show, where animals settle disputes better than humans ever could.
  • In animal dynamics, pigs are the true overlords—it's a swine supremacy we didn't know we needed.
  • People fear animal interactions, yet nature's negotiating tactics reveal that coexistence thrives on a light touch.
  • Ranch living: the perfect retreat from city chaos, unless you start considering adding a tiger to the mix.
  • Zonkeys and donkey hybrids are the cosmic joke of the animal kingdom—proof that diverse unions yield unexpected joys.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Hood River
  2. – 20:00: Dr. Death, Sword and Scale
  3. – 30:00: Flight Attendant, Ozark, HubSpot, Task
  4. – 40:00: Big Bang
  5. – 50:00: Big Bang, Alyssa Milano, Charmed, NFL Honors
  6. – 1:00:00: Big Bang, Alyssa Milano
  7. – 1:10:00: Marseille, MGM Plus, Princeton

Notable quotes from "Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"

  • And in this caliber of a show without me having seen him before. And then I learned he was in Ozark, which just preceded that. And then of course last night I had to like read…
    about Ozark · at
  • It's doesn't feel right yet. So, she goes, Noted. So, cut to four cuts to April. Cut to four months later, I'm bringing her as my plus one to New York to promote flight attendant.
    about Flight Attendant · at
  • I'm like I need to really like it just was this. Now, I will say, so I've been really curious post Big Bang, obviously you've you've have an agenda, which I dig, which is like…
    about Big Bang · at
  • You have such a charm. She also pitched herself to be the host of the NFL honors ceremony.
    about NFL Honors · at
  • Resume, the thing that feels like it could have been a very dicey situation was walking into Charmed season 8 girl.
    about Charmed · at
  • And I am so freaking nervous. It's on their lunch break. They're all in the corners eating. I walk in. Alyssa Milano sees me and I will always tell this story about her. She…
    about Alyssa Milano · at
  • Like does she just go home or does her curiosity make her want to find I mean Marseilles where we shot the background of this show is very small.
    about Marseille · at
  • Too many. But they've been amazing and they are a part of Prime. So eventually this will be on Prime, but it's going to start in MJ Plus. The amount of television now, it's incredible, but it's so widespread.
    about MGM Plus · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Alyssa Milano — Person · Referenced colleague / cast member · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in a story about joining 'Charmed' late (season 8). Used as an example of kindness and welcoming behavior toward a new cast member.

Companies & orgs

  • MGM Plus — Company · Broadcaster · 2 mentions · first at
    Platform where the show 'Vanished' is premiered.

Places & events

  • Marseille — Place · Setting · 3 mentions · first at
    Primary location where the events of the podcast's discussed show 'Vanished' take place.
  • NFL Honors — Event · Referenced event · 2 mentions · first at
    Awards ceremony mentioned in the context of the guest's aspirations to host.
  • Princeton — Place · Referenced location · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of the show 'Vanished' where the protagonist is offered a job.
    Gates, they've they've met in Paris to join up and we learn, right, that you are you're going to get a job as a professor in Princeton.
  • Hood River — Place · Referenced location · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in the context of a personal story about animals.
    Great for you to get because Okay. My mom lived in Hood River, Oregon for a while and we discovered this place. This man had a farm and he had all these crazy animals. He was a…

Media & podcasts

  • Big Bang — Media · Referenced work · 5 mentions · first at
    TV show mentioned in the context of the guest's career and personal life.
  • Ozark — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions · first at
    TV show mentioned in the context of discussing the guest's partner's acting career.
  • Flight Attendant — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions · first at
    TV show mentioned in the context of the guest's career.
  • Task — Media · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    TV show mentioned in the context of discussing the guest's partner's acting career.
    Okay. Same. The timing of this is incredible because I watch Task. Did you watch Task?
  • Charmed — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions · first at
    TV show mentioned in the context of the guest's acting career.
  • Sword and Scale — Media · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    Podcast mentioned in the context of the guest's interests.
    Okay, good. Good. Sword and Scale is my Sword and Scale.
  • Dr. Death — Media · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    Podcast mentioned in the context of the guest's interests.
    That's my favorite, I think, podcast of all time.

Sponsors

  • HubSpot — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Sponsor of the podcast episode.
    Conditions, and availability. All State North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, North Brook, Illinois. We are supported by HubSpot. Did you know that most businesses, Monica, only use 20% of their data?
  • Allstate — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at
    Sponsor of the podcast episode.
    Checking All State first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart.

Full transcript with timestamps

I heard you guys did your thousand this thousand. Is that right? Today came out.

Yeah. And you were probably I feel like when did you guys start this? I feel like I was one of the first.

You were early. 2018. So we were 2 and a half years in. Yeah. Exactly. It feels early.

Oh, not to be exact or anything. Never mind. 262. Okay, great. 7:30 ago. I hope you feel the difference.

I mean that was at the height of CO. But I was in a lockdown in Canada when I talked to

November 2020. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. November. That's right. No VMR. Glad to have you in person.

What part of town do you live in? Thousand Oaks. My parents still live in Thousand Oaks. And now we live like Right. I I made my way back.

That's sweet. We love where we live cuz it's removed. It's removed. It's not LA.

Yeah. The ranch and the ranch is Wesley. So Baitman grew up hanging out with that guy. Murdoch owned Dole. That's Yes. Do like bananas.

That's the money guy. Pineapple bananas. He bought Lai. He had originally owned Lai the island in Hawaii cuz the because of the banana plantation.

Yeah, you know a little more about him than I do. So he hung out with this kid and yeah, he he built that that that Sherwood Lake thing community. I think one of his kids drowned.

I actually think I that is true. Something happened and another kid died in a Ferrari accident on the 101.

Yes. I'm actually Has there been a movie? I feel like there should be. Yeah, that's something.

Did you know any of those families? No, we got this ranch like it I think I've probably had it for seven or eight years now. So, that's a newer space to us.

Okay. Newer. So, we live like 15 minutes from the ranch. Okay. Which is amazing.

The ranch is gorgeous. I was watching an interview there and it looked like Sana's Valley.

It's stunning. It's so cool. Well, it's 40 flat acres, which is like very rare. So, it's all usable. And like 8,000 animals.

WOW. Not really, but a lot. It's turned into a full rescue farm. Yeah. You've got um I wrote them down. You've got a donkey.

We have a donkey. Tell me about a zonkey. An incredible neighborhood. You can guess what that is, right? Zonkey and a donkey. So, we get a lot of our animals from Amish country and we end up rescuing a lot of them cuz, you know, a lot of them are worker animals. It's very It can be a little weird. Yeah. So, we have two zonies from Amish country. They were trying to sell, you know, they try and breed these things. This is not normal.

They obviously mate a donkey and a zebra. Where did Where does the zebra come from other than obviously Africa?

I have no idea. I don't even know how they attain these sorts of creatures. Yeah. We have started to attain a few. It's a little word of mouth with us. We're not They kind of know that we have the space and I can't say no to anything. So, I've taken so many animals. I mean, we have people that have to live there now because and I'll sneak some in sometimes. Like, I'm like, "Do you think they'll notice if I add this duck?"

Like, there'll be five ducks and there's six. Everyone's like, "Wait a minute." Like, I'm not like, "No, they were always here."

That guy was just hiding. I have the space now. And that's always been the dream to have the space. That's nice. That's a beautiful thing.

Are there any you regret? Like, do you have anything that's raised in hell over there? Cuz zebras are [ __ ]

No, totally. And this guy, he's not. He's there. She's actually very shy. But we've done a really good job of managing. And what's amazing about animals is people get afraid. They come in, they go, "They all live together." Like a lot of the little ones live together. How that don't they fight? And they figure it out.

We're getting in their way. Like in this day and age, everyone's like, "Oh, don't let that one play with that."

People do that with kids, too. Yes. Yeah. They just let them decide. They know how to get the pecking order going.

They do. And the animals are the same way. And they they figure it out. They get in little arguments and things, but they know who's the boss. Oh yeah,

they know who not to mess with. Who is the boss? You know who are the real bosses? The pigs.

Oh yeah, pigs are [ __ ] walking around. They're like everyone else kind of like gay. You know, the goats kind of go, "Okay, just let them walk by

cuz they're so smart and they're huge. They're huge. They have huge ones. They have tus virtually. They have huge canines.

They can totally bite." No, it's hilarious. But they all kind of It's kind of sink or swim. I'm like, if you can't figure it out here, you can't figure it out anywhere. Do you think you're on a slippery slope to like getting a tiger?

Like the slope at this point is like I want a giraffe. I feel like we're slippery. I want things we shouldn't have like a rhino. I want things that we 100% slippery. Yes. Yes. Snow leopard.

Yes. I can tell you the thing that would be great for you to get because Okay. My mom lived in Hood River, Oregon for a while and we discovered this place. This man had a farm and he had all these crazy animals. He was a very sweet man and um you know the girls fell in love with the giraffes and but he was it was great. He had his favorite thing was these Bactrian camels and they're so beautiful. like he had this one that was like his girl and she went everywhere with him and they're crazy smart

and it was I was like of all these things that is the coolest thing this back tree and camel and they live I guess in the most extreme they're like in 20 and also 120 like they can they can hang anywhere.

Wow. Well, now I want one. Yeah. If someone's trying to unload a back camel I'll take it

because the eyes are like they're like cartoony. They have eyelashes. She was pretty.

Oh my god. I never even thought I could have a camel. No, back to the zebra. I want to not be disparaging to the Amish because I grew up around them

in southern Michigan. Totally. They're lovely and they're like woodworkers. I know. It's amazing.

I admire the close-knit family. Understood. I totally agree with you. But I cannot help but call out a little bit of a hypocrisy, which is like

for some reason God doesn't want them to drive cars. Yeah. Right. Which that makes sense. Understand the logic of it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but why God? If God wanted a zonkey, he would have made one. Why are you free to crosspollinate species?

Listen, this is happening all over. People are do crazy [ __ ] to animals, not just that. Like, it is. And it's the stuff we think cuz we have like a lot of um dwarf ponies. We have mini ponies. A lot of these animals again that are overbred in such a terrible way that it's like that's not supposed to look like that. And people have them for, you know, they're um very um performative like parties and kids like it starts to get it's all over like it's all over the country. We have a big animal problem go down that hole.

So, you know, but I do I think when we're getting them from the Amish country, you know, they really they're worker animals. They Exactly. Like you said, they use horses to get around. They There's a lot of animals that are helping that are working for them.

Yes. Wow. So, when they kind of finish that job, it's kind of where do they go? And so we've actually been able to take a few and kind of, you know, let them live with us.

I'm really hung up on the donkey. What does it look like? More like the zebra or more like the donkey?

More like the donkey. Striped legs. I'm going to send you a picture after this. So So the striped legs but then a gray body.

Okay. And the demeanor of a donkey, I guess. Yeah. Very calm, very sweet. Um, won't let us. I'm dying to nuzzle her and she will not quite let that happen yet. Hard to get. I want to get in there. I want to get in there and I want to kiss it. Have you been um mauled or attacked or any of these? Okay.

No, I had not gone. And um it could be its own reality show at that ranch. Did you watch chimp crazy?

No. It's so I can't with the monkeys. I can't. I just I'm like It makes you sad.

Yeah. I can't watch anything with animals. I'm a total I'm just really I can't Well, you've seen the cartoon Lion King.

Yes. Yes, of course. And my daughter has seen it, too. Okay. She's It's one of the least ones we watch, actually. She's in. She watches everything, but that's not the one we watched as much. But no, I I

She likes Succession. She loves She loves Game of Thrones. She loves Succession.

That's true. She told that story. Yeah, that was actually true. I handed her my iPad and it was I was watching that and I wanted to see how long she would last. The hate I got for that. Oh god. Oh my god.

How could you? I'm like, what? Calm down. Big time. Calm down, guys. What is I watched that with the most amount of tension I've ever watched someone do a talk show appearance. I'm like it's I'm quietly applauding it, right? Cuz it's like the shaming of everyone's parenting is such an epidemic. And I was like, "Oh, this [ __ ] is going hard. She's going to say exactly what's happening." And [ __ ] all y'all if you have a problem with that.

I feel bad that they're not doing what I'm doing because it's working out great for me. My kid's amazing. I can hit like go watch this sit down like yeah you can do Sunday TV now it's wild now that I have my own

I wouldn't ever tell someone or say don't do that I would never other than corporal punishment if you saw someone getting their ass kicked

that's different but it's like I could never say like oh I don't think you should show her that or I don't think you should give that kid that or feed them that it's like the [ __ ] am I saying this it blows my mind the how brave some of these people are audacious. Isn't it insane?

Yeah. Because uh you know, you get to define what is important to you as a parent and then uh you some people then decide that's how every single person should be thinking about it too.

It's wild. Well, the heat I've gotten for like one time we said we don't bathe the kids every night. I'm like we did when they're babies, but get real. They're not [ __ ] dirty. They're not. You know, that was a whole stink up. Then I said something then I would, you know, when they or 18 I'd offer to pay for them to freeze their eggs. So they never felt the pressure of that. That was some people mad at. I'm like, my goodness.

I mean, I guess we should know by now. I've been in this business for so long that like nothing phases me anymore.

It's very charming that you don't seem to care. I don't give a [ __ ] I have I have heard everything about me. I have heard great things. I've heard terrible things. I've been made fun of. I've been

I've been loved. I I don't This has been my whole life. So, you think I give a [ __ ] if someone cares that I handed my 2-year-old an iPad?

Don't care. Good for you. Was that a late adoption uh of that of that feeling disposition or did you come to it? Did you used to care?

Did I used to care? I think certain things have tweaked me, but over recent years, I do not care anymore.

I guess as a kid, were you someone who like got self-conscious easy or Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for you. No, but I also think that was because this wasn't all I did as a kid. I mean, I was a child actor.

You're a ranked tennis player. Loved tennis. I had sports. I had a million friends. I I wasn't all about this. It was a million other things. So, and I've kind of kept that as an adult. So, nothing. I kind of was like a little bit of a duck. Like kind of just like rolled off, you know, back to the ducks. Look at me. I circled all the way back to the ducks.

That was a good call. I didn't I didn't even mean to. It just naturally happened. I just go to the ducks immediately. It was elegant.

It was elegant. We called that a ding ding ding here. Yeah. Duck duck duck. Duck duck goose. Favorite game.

What was it when it doesn't work out? I don't know. I think it was a duck duck goose is when it is wrong.

When it's not a ding ding ding. That's right. So, I've never even heard that. We made up all. Okay. I was like,

we said ding ding ding a lot. Well, and then sometimes, if I can be um sometimes Monica would say ding-ding on something that I didn't think really was related, right? It would be like she was talking about brushing her teeth and then later I said, you know, I bought a washcloth and she go ding ding ding. And I go,

you can see the you can see the connective tissue. I can see I can see and I would go that's more of a duck duck goose. So then duck duck goose became

if it's not really related. Ding ding ding. Like it was Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Over these thousand episodes, we got a lot of little

I wish we had been keeping a glossery. That would have been helpful. It's pretty amazing. You guys,

do you listen to podcasts? My obsession right now is really dark true crime. Okay, good. Good. Sword and Scale is my

Sword and Scale. Sword and Scale. What's that about? It is a true crime podcast, but what I love about it is they're all individual. So, you can there's 400 episodes. So, these are the episodes they don't show on Dine. This is the [ __ ] where you're like, I don't even know if I like it's it's really dark.

It's like hardcore porn. It's hardcore. It's an addiction. There's like a kid story. I can't do that one or anything with animals, but like when I like, you know, I I I cut a lot of it out, but that's been my obsession lately. And then I'm also obsessed with my fiance got me obsessed with near-death experiences.

I can't get enough. My friend Elizabeth is very obsessed with that, too. I cannot relate.

Me either. Tell me about what the appeal is. I find it interesting. the few that I've listened to recently have a lot of um similar patterns. So, like we're talking people all over the world that are talking about these near-death experiences and you know the way that they

that they are seeing angels and demons and it's all really it's fascinating to me and a lot of their stories they're not the same but they have so many similarities

and I find it unbelievable. I don't know. And then these people that remember every moment and they truly they talk about the light and they go in and they're like, "Oh my god, am I dead?" But I'm not. And then they they come back and they tell this story. I'm like, "I'm just kind of obsessed with it."

Interesting. It's interesting. Do you think because you ultimately have a great fear of death and you want to know that perhaps there's something more? Like we had this great expert. I was talking about why we like true crime, why do we like UFC, why do we like war documentaries? Because we get to model out our fears and hopefully learn like for true crime, women are obsessed with like what did they miss? What was the thing that should have triggered? Oh, this was a dangerous person. Like you hope to gather

defenses against this ever happening to you. Right. So, in that vein, do you think there's something happening with you wanting to know

or is it just a random curiosity? I think it's a random curiosity. I think I was also curious because Tom is so obsessed with it that I wanted to understand his obsession.

Yeah. Yeah. He, you know, he's so intrigued by God and all these different things and what happens when you die and so he has this real love for like learning about that. So I think I wanted to like be able to talk to him about it.

So I started listening too and I thought, am I going to be into this? And now I am. I think it's I just think it's kind of fascinating. But between that because he won't listen to any other true crime. That's not his job.

Have you ever hit him with Dr. death cuz I'm not a true crime person, but that one is the greatest.

That one is unbelievable. That's my favorite, I think, podcast of all time. Unbelievable. Un No, I I should probably tell him he'd probably like that one.

He'd dig it cuz that's like a a guy's narcissism running wild in the decapitation of a friend on the table.

It's scary. People are scary. I will take the time to pedal a a podcast of mine called Beth's Dead that is out.

Beth's Dead. Yes. It's 10 episodes and it is true crimey. Yes, it takes a lot of twists and turns.

Wait a minute. I'm listening to that on the way home. Okay. I think you'll like it.

I love that. Takes some big twists and turns and it's a podcast. It's kind of metic cuz it happened in a podcast.

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. No, I love that. I mean, that's the age we're in and we live I live so far, so I'm always listening to podcasts in the

Yeah. Have you had a near-death experience? No, you haven't. Is it weird that I kind of wish I did? I want one. No, it makes sense

cuz I want to see what these people are what are they seeing knock on wood again though.

I don't know what the definition is. Yeah. But I have had the moment which is among the most unique feelings I've ever had in my life where I went, "Oh, I'm about to die."

Um I'm like seconds away from dying. Um yeah, I was in the back seat of a car like I had folded the seats down in the back of a Ford Probe in like a hatchback and my friend was driving. We were coming back from Toledo back up to Detroit. It was like late at night and I had to work super early in the morning. So I go, "Hey, I'm going to sleep in the back. Are you good to drive?" "Yeah, I'm totally fine."

He had the cruise control on 85. And I'm like back there, I'm listening and then the road was really rhythmic. I was like and I was like just at that moment I was like, "Oh, that rhythm is nice. I'm going to fall asleep." And then I just heard gravel hitting the side of the car. And I immediately looked up and he was um completely slumped over and we had gone off the road and we're going 85 and the car started to go sideways and it's just um it's just pine trees lining uh the that interstate in Michigan. Um and I started to go over the wheel and there to grab the wheel and there was a moment where was I just knew it was too far gone.

Like we had gone completely sideways. I laid back down and then we began, we just launched in the air and we started rolling right down the highway. And as this was happening, I'm waiting to just hit a tree. I'm like, we're going to hit a tree and that's going to be that. And I definitely had this moment where I was like, oh wow, I'm going to die in a second. And the feeling was shockingly comforting like that. I remember I went from like complete fear, [ __ ] the car is out of control. Oh my god, we're going to roll. [ __ ] we're rolling. Oh, right. We're going to roll into a tree.

I'm going to die. Like all that calculus. And then I just went like and I got very calm.

Like the whatever thing they give you, the DMT or whatever the the weird chemical is did definitely start getting released. I think where I was at kind of weirdly at total peace with it. And then we just rolled like 10 times, ended up upside down. We did not hit a tree. Wow.

Um the car was fly out. We crawled out the windows the whole night. My friend was okay.

He was okay and I was okay. That is terrifying. That's really interesting. I feel a lot of the stories that I hear people have a sense of calm even if something bad is happening. Like a lot of them say these people that came back from having this death experience that the minute that you think they're in pain or something that that's gone.

Like a lot of them say I know like if we watch someone, god forbid, someone dying or an accident or something that that if that experience is about to happen that not to worry like that they're

it's gone. Yeah. Somehow the body calculates now we don't need to deal with that.

We worry and they like we're worried but they're like we want you to know like we don't we're not feel that. They're not like sitting there half alive half dead feeling this pain like it's gone. They come when they come back they do. But that moment of the in between whatever that means seems to be all the stories seem to be the same where they're not feeling whatever is happening to them which I thought was like cuz we're all obviously so worried about that person or whatever but they said that that's not the case. I'd want to talk to other folks because the the trippiest part for me was post that event for about three days because I already went, "Oh, I'm dead." And I accepted it.

For the next three days, I just be places and I felt very peculiar like am I dead? Like I I was I know I died. Am I dead? Like that that was the weirdest part of the whole thing.

Was this a long time ago? This was 12th grade in high school. Oh, you were little. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't forget [ __ ] like that. Yeah. No, it was highly memorable. This may shock you, but I've never been able to fall asleep in a car ever since. So, I can never let the other person take a turn driving. I just, you know, that's off the table. Oh, for sure. I There's no way I could sleep with someone else driving.

That's That's a wrap on that. That makes sense. I mean, that's major PTSD. I have the gift of sleeping anywhere at any time.

Let's say we were working right now and I they were like, "You've got 20 minutes." I am not joking. I could lay on this hard table and be out into dreamland. I can actually do it right here. If they were like, "We need like 20." I'd be like, "Okay, I could I have photos of this on set." I think I learned it from being on set. I can literally and go to sleep

to a place of gone to the point where someone has to physically wake me up. Any position

known to me. Like people are jealous of this. It feels like a gift. I am so jealous.

I know. It's crazy. So on an airplane, you're like immediately like you just said, the car made me think of this. the car. I mean the c any this couch is a luxury but I would do it on the floor of

needles. Yeah. Anything. Have you ever fallen asleep driving the car? Never. Never.

No. Anywhere. Um planes, any any seat, nothing is uncomfortable. I can figure it out. I mean, the amount of sleeps in a director's chair that I do is like a gift.

This is another thing about your comfort level. A lot of people too are like, "Do I look do I look insane sleeping?" Listen, I got to be at work.

Yeah, my mouth will open and it's it's a gape. Yeah. No, I get a little a gape, too. So, like I got to get a nap in.

You know, these hours are nuts. Yeah. You got to prioritize your health. I don't give a [ __ ] Kevin Hart posted something the other day.

I think he's the same. He can sleep anywhere. Did you see that? I've worked with him a few times and he used to fall asleep at different spots and I would laugh because I was like, "Oh my god, I can do the same thing." But he can sleep anywhere, too. But I think it's a gift when you work the way you do, you have to find it out, you know.

What did he post? Did he post him just sleeping? A couple different sleepings that people had taken.

I think he was on set of Jamanji. Yes. Yes. Yes. And he's just like he was like at a dinner table at one point. Just like No, I Oh my god. I totally understand that.

And do you sleep well at night or you just Okay. You're just I have the gift of sleep. I know.

I love that. I'm like very afraid that that's about to change. I just turned 40 and everyone's like you'll never sleep well again. And I'm like, so far I've been fine but

Okay. I don't know. Well, also, okay, so the gift of that, I'd imagine, is you had a newborn.

Yeah. And my issue with getting waking up to do the feedings, like we would break them up and, you know, do every other one or whatever. And I can't fall back asleep.

That's Tom. That's Tom. He cannot go back to sleep. Once he's up, it's his life is over.

Yeah. So, we were definitely spoiled and had help at night. I spent every dollar on help. We were like, if we have any money, that's where it's so I don't know what that is like.

Okay. Good for you. People will say to me when we first had Matilda, they would, oh my god, it's amazing. You look so rested. I'm like, I am

more than ever. Oh my god. And then they're like, I hate you. I hate you. My god, I get it. I said, we decided to make sure we had like I don't want anyone to think I'm magically looking awake and I didn't sleep all night. Like I always told I wanted to wear a sign that was like, I slept. You're like full 9 hours.

I just want you to have the truth. That's the truth. And I know that. Okay. Now, Tom,

he says, "Hi, by the way." He loves you. I love him. He loves you. He loves you from afar.

Okay. Same. The timing of this is incredible because I watch Task. Did you watch Task?

Yeah. I think I said I said that's Kayle's boyfriend. Oh, I don't remember you saying that.

How good is that? Amazing. It's so good. And Kristen and I were watching it together and both of us simultaneously were like, "Excuse me, who's this [ __ ] guy? How could he be this good?"

And in this um caliber of a show without me having seen him before. And then I learned he was in Ozark,

which just preceded that. And then of course last night I had to like read about him and I'm like, "Oh my god, it's even better than I thought." because he did the impossible. He started on soaps.

Yep. Like improminently. So 100%. And [ __ ] clawed his way up to the like peak of Cache on HBO.

I know. What a gangster. No, it's really true. He is the one of the ones that kind of that Exactly. didn't stay and he loved his I'll let him tell you one day. He loved his time on the soap. His best time was like he had the time of his life. He always talks about it in a beautiful way. I love that. It was he he's like, "I was out of my mind, out of control." Like he's like, "I was a partyier. I had the time of my life."

Every woman in America is obsessed with it was so fun. Yeah. But Yeah. And he's kind of a he's such a chameleon cuz if you look at his work, you're just like half the things people don't even know it's him. Like he's so does you know

the body is [ __ ] topnotch too. I like a guy with that frame. [ __ ] hot. I know. It's ridiculous. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking All State first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your phone's battery before heading out. That'll get you every time. Of course, your phone dies on the way to meet someone, leaving you wandering around quietly panicking about being in the wrong spot. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check All State first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

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I heard you say that you were um stalking him on Instagram. Oh, that's how you found him. No, but I did stalk him on.

Yeah. So, I want to know the progression. Okay. So, we have the same manager. Okay.

Very true Hollywood story. I was obviously going through a divorce uh however many years ago

and we do need to talk about that because we were so into Carl. You wouldn't remember our interview. You remember remember how into Carl we were Carl.

She was married to Carl at the moment. Yes. And he was an equestrian. The equestrian equestrian.

He wanted a gold medal this last year. So he did something at the Olympic. He's amazing. I not a single bad thing to say about

Well, we were so into Carl that that that Rob came in one morning. He goes, "You guys, Carl's really meant something." Do you remember all that?

I I actually did. I remember talking to you about I remember talking about it. So, I was getting a divorce and my manager maybe six months later said, "You got to meet, we just signed this new guy. You got to meet him." So, six months and I said, "I'm not ready." No. And I shut it down. And by the way, I've been with my manager and my entire team since I was 15 years old. So, those are family to me. So, she brings it up to me. I'm like, "No, I'm not going to. It's doesn't feel right yet." So, she goes, "Noted." So, cut to four cuts to April. Cut to four months later, I'm bringing her as my plus one to New York to promote flight attendant.

Yeah. And she goes, "Oh, this is great. I actually have a few different people I'll see in New York. One of them is is Tom. There was a premiere for Ozark. He was and she was gonna go." So, she goes, "We can go to that together." So, she's saying all this to me and I'm kind of she's not scheming, but I I remember she was this is the guy she mentioned before.

Now, mind you, two weeks before I left for that, I guess you called a press store, but to promote Flight Attendant season 2. Two weeks before I got there, I was it was the we hadn't had a premiere for season one because of co

so season two for flight time. It was very exciting. We got to like actually go out and do stuff. But

I'll never forget I was laying on the floor of this house that I shared with Carl. We were obviously divorced divorcing and it was the day of the premiere and I was on the floor sobbing

thinking I ruined my whole life. Yeah. Yeah. No, like I was the low that is the lowest point in my life I ever had. I couldn't get up.

I was so depressed. I thought I blew up my life. Like what am I going to [ __ ] do now? And then then you've got this weird the other side the premiere of my show tonight. This is the weirdest like juxip is that what you call

I was so I could not my hair makeup girls came over. They were literally doing my hair and makeup on the floor. I said I can't go. I can't I can't. I was so sad. Yeah. I was so sad. I think because I had had so many my path for me was so complicated and I just thought, "Oh man, this might have been it for me." Like this is it for me.

And then you're older cuz you're and then you're worried I'll never find love again.

Everything was so heartwrenching. It was horrible. So I knew 2 weeks later we're going to New York to pro the show and my manager says, "You know, we're going to you want to go to the premiere Ozark with me? We'll see. We can meet Tom." And I was like, she's still trying to set me up with this guy. like I don't think. So I decide to go on Instagram and I only look him up. So I look him up and I see he's got this I look him up and he's like kind of looks like he's living up in the woods and he's got dogs and I'm like oh there's a dog I like. So I'm like looking looking by the way I still have not met him. I know nothing.

Yeah, but I do you know when you go real deep and you get afraid you're going to like something from like 200 so I'm like do not touch this phone.

You have to scroll on the very right side of it. You cannot be anywhere near that heart button

sitting on my hand. Like if you like something from 2010 so embarrassing busted.

Oh lordy. So I scan scan scan scan and I get this feeling that I'm going to spend my life with him.

And I texted my best friend Zasha in that moment. She still has it. And I said, "This is crazy, but I have to put it in writing. I think I'm going to meet the man I'm going to spend my life with." She has it. She goes, "What do you mean?" I'm like, "Just just keep this text."

And it was Tom. Wow. And I met him two weeks later. Now, how much did the German Shepherd play a role?

Loved that. That's a big be a dog lover with me. Yeah, that was a big one. Also, he kind of lived like he looked very like

out in like the wood. A lot of people did. Well, again, it wasn't like he was like selfie guy. It was more like where is he? He was very, right?

Not actor. Yes, that's what we're really saying. He did not look actor. Yeah. And he looked and I knew he had done some, you know, I also want to be with an actor. You better be a good [ __ ] actor.

This is also a tough thing. That's right. So, I'm like, "Okay, he's done some cool. He's cool. Like, he's not trying. He's cool."

Yeah. So, you know, I was thinking about it. I go, "Oh my god, maybe things are about to get better."

So, she takes me to the premiere and I'm like still like thinking, I can't believe I'm going to meet this guy tonight. But I'm waiting. I'm we get there and I'm in line bathroom and I hear this like he has a very loud laugh. It's he has a lovely laugh. It's it's I you hear it from my way and I I heard his laugh and I like and I heard him say,

"So, where is this Kaye?" He says it to my manager and I like turn around and he and I look up at him and he gives me this big smile and I'm like, "I'm right here." Oh, this is like such a romcom. I've been here the whole time.

I'm right here. That was it. Wow. And then you guys were just in. Yeah. So, we go into the theater and he's sitting in front. Now, they're showing two episodes of Ozark. This is a long night.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now, we all want to watch Ozark, but right now, all I want to do is [ __ ] flirt my ass off with this guy who is sitting in front of me who did not look back once.

He So, I kept thinking, "Oh my god." And I'm dying cuz I'm like, "He's really not going to turn around for 2 and 1/2 hours." And we laugh about it now cuz he's like that whole time I was like, "Don't look back. Don't turn." I was sitting right behind him.

So, we go to the after party. I was so silly. We go to the after party. We're just like kind of shy. And after like 2 hours of like not much conversation, he finally like sits next to me. And by the way, my sister, who was happened to be there, too. And she, my sister's so gorgeous. She looked so hot that night. And I was like, Bri, can you please if he goes for you tonight?

Like, please put something on. She looked down. She was laughing. She's like, "Oh my god." I'm like, "Just get them out of here." So luckily he didn't go for her. So he comes and Yeah. He says, "Hey, how much longer are you here?" I said, "A few more days." is he like I'd love to take you out tomorrow night. So we did.

Was he living there or he was just in town for the premiere as well? He lives his New York. Yeah. So he drove down for the premiere and so the next night I had plans I totally like ditched my friends. We had plans to go to Harry Potter the musical. Gave Monica a seizure.

Yeah. You probably avoided a seizure, so don't worry. I I mean we went I left intermission. I said, "Guys, I got to go meet this guy." And they're like, "You're leaving us for that?" I'm like And I planned the whole night. I planned Harry Potter. the girl.

I got to go see the guy. So we did. I jumped out. We had We had tea in the lobby of the hotel.

Where was he? What hotel? I was at the Whippy. So he met me there. It's my favorite hotel. And so we had tea

and I saw This is so bad. But he had like a pack of cigarettes. This is so bad.

Yeah. Good for And I was like, it's hot. And I think he thought I would be like, ew.

And I was like, I'll have one of those. He was like, you will? Do you think it shocked you? There was something about it. It's so bad. But I was like, and he's got so excited that I'd like have a smoke with him.

And we did. We had a smoke. And it was like he was like trying to hide them. It was like that's like his one little vibe.

Sure. So, how do you then work out the fact that he's up in the woods in New York and you're in

It was tough. Our biggest Yeah. Well, we got pregnant like an hour later. This is the congress. We knew, which is wild cuz I never thought I would like have kids. So,

Oh, you didn't think so? I always loved him, but I felt like I missed the mark. And then with my ex, I was like I I I realized I I kept thinking I didn't want kids with him or I don't know what it was or I don't know.

Something was missing. I knew it wasn't right for that. Yeah. I thought that's that's okay. I love my work. I was really okay with your animal.

I was fine. I I think deep down I wasn't fine. But I met Tom. We both wanted it so bad. And then we got pregnant easily and we were so excited. And I said, "What are we going to do?" Like,

"You live there, I live here." Yeah. And he said he would move to LA. And luckily, like I was telling you guys, I live so far outside of LA that he was attracted to that area.

Now, I will tell you the hardest thing that it's been is his move out here. He He hates LA.

Oh, really? He's not an LA guy. He's a New Yorker. But you have the funds to split this up a bit.

And we do. No, we totally do. and he's been, you know, look, one of us was going to have to give up. I'm not I love New York, but my family's all here. His family's there. That's a tough I've never dealt with that before.

And so that's been I know that's been hard. And he's also not um he's the most brilliant actor, but he's not a Hollywood guy. Thank God. I'm not a Hollywood girl, but I'm in it,

right? Whether I am or not. Yeah, you're very not a Hollywood. But it's also you get splashed around. And it's been my life for so long that I am so used to what this life brings.

And he's he's the actor's actor. He wants to do the acting thing without all the other stuff. He doesn't want it,

which is what I love about him. So, and because I'm so used to all the stuff that comes with this,

nothing phases me. And he's always amazed by that. He's like, I don't understand how you just I just roll through. I don't care.

Yeah. And it for him, he's like I it's not his scene. Yeah. Well, I would argue that you have worked so much that you you had to develop that like I just [ __ ] keep moving, roll forward because you just have been doing it for so long.

And I don't think there was ever a choice in that. Like I've always had that attitude.

There's never been like a minute where I'm like I need to really like it just was this. Now, I will say, so I've been really curious uh post Big Bang, obviously you've you've have an agenda, which I dig, which is like you've been really doing like action mystery. This thing is a thriller vanished. As much as you're like, "Yeah, show up and do the thing." Are you like, "Well, now I want to do a bunch of stuff I didn't get to do." It feels like there's an agenda.

It's kind of looks like that. It's not necessarily. It's just what you were interested in or landed in front of you or

Look, this is this business has gotten so [ __ ] weird and difficult and hard and like there's not a lot of great stuff. Like it's like

if there was just a million great like it's harder now. It's harder to make things. It's harder to

you know there's so much television yet at the same time it's so complicated. And now here's a really nosy, gross question, but what is it like to go from making an insane amount of money back down to making like a good amount of money?

Is it an adjustment? I don't think about that. I should think about it more, but I don't. I live the same as I did 20 years ago. Now it's different, too, like with

a child. Like it's there's different elements now, but like but I like the way that I live. I don't want to change

that way that I live. Yes. It's the same way though where I'm and Tom and I have talked about this a lot cuz I'm so um what's I was going to say brave. That's not the right word. I'll like I'm I don't remember. I'm I'm I don't remember who that I am anyone. So I do things like what I am

I am so oblivious and yet I've listened to so much true crime. I'm also very aware. So like I'm diligent going to be behind me that I know.

Hyper vigilant but oblivious. Vigilant but oblivious. You just forget you're famous. I 1,000. So, I do things that are that he will be like, "What are you doing?"

Yeah. Like people know you. We take Matilda a lot to Chuck-E-Cheese and Tom always goes, "You don't have to come tonight." I go, "No, no, of course I want to come." And he and I'll be like, "Why? Do you not want me to come?" He's like, "No, every time you come," he's like, "Do you understand what what happens at Chuck-E-Cheese?" Like, and I laugh and I go,

"Oh, like I swear to God." And I really mean this. I don't even think about it.

And you don't remember the last trip to Chuck? Zero in memory. I just remember having so much fun at Chuck-E-Cheese. Like I'm not even thinking, are people coming up to you or are they just everyone just looking at you? I get a little weird.

They're definitely filming. They're filming, you know. And again, I don't care.

Yeah. You're just not paying attention. Good for you. It's so healthy. I don't care.

I wish I could let that go. I know. I know. It's It's um I don't care. Does it [ __ ] up, Tom? I get this weird protective like, "Hey y'all, my kids are around. Don't [ __ ] point a camera." Like that kind of irks me.

Yes. Me, I'm fine. You could you could film me taking a [ __ ] if you find me at the airport. But but if I'm with my kids,

he's protective for sure. And again, he doesn't like that side of it. Yes, it's a gross.

It is gross. And I just don't I don't notice it. Like he doesn't like it's award show. He's like, "This is what are we doing?" And I'm there. I'm like, "Oh my god, I get to wear like the cutest dress." Like I'm thinking

you're seeing friends you've known over the years. Yes. But I get it. I'm looking at it through his eyes. I'm like, "No, this is really [ __ ] up. We're going to like these weird popularity contests."

It's not even really how good you are. Like, and I could really have a coffee. No, he was. You would go to town. We were podcast was

I know podcast was a thing. I did it. I just felt so small. Oh, you know, like I mean, of course, that gave me that made me like

No, we're so not. I get what you're saying. We all feel small at those things. I was just talking to uh Oh, Kurtwood. I went out to eat with Kerwood Smith, my favorite actor. If you worked with Kurtwood, he was the dad on 70 show and he was in the Patriot.

No, but he's amazing. He's amazing. And I did a thing with him years ago, but I just fell in love with him and we had lunch the other day. It was so sweet. And I was saying, you know, it's so funny. You're like, oh yeah, I got invited to the big party, but then the second you get there, you're like, it's physically strata. It's like, okay, so movie people are down here on the main stage close to the stage and then the TV people are in this ring and then they dump the podcasters like in a corner of that far ring and I'm like you come and then you just feel like

maybe there's also a part of me that's like I'm not going to let that feeling be the reason I don't go,

right? Because yeah, I I'm you know, there's so many there's so many people who who are taking it's just blinding photos of someone in front of you and then and then you walk you just walk right on by.

It's terrible. And they do not care. And even just between me and him like I know for like they don't want to talk do an interview with me solo but they want if we go together they'll do that. There's just so many things and and it is not lost on me that that is

to get invited there is a is a big honor. Yes, it's a huge honor. It is. You are objectively like this is why people sound ungrateful, right? Cuz they're going to hear it and be like h like she's at the Golden Gloated for a gold and you didn't you weren't as popular as Leonardo DiCaprio so you don't want to go. Sounds crazy.

And I just go like, but I'll go to your point. You know how you don't care about [ __ ]

I go like, "Yeah, guess what? You caught me. I'm sensitive." Yeah. I guess what? I'm guilty of being sensitive.

My goal, I guess, in life is to not have the feelings of being small. Of course. Of course.

Just not going is not going to fix that. That's very true. And that and I and I admire that. You're right. You shouldn't let an insecurity uh prevent you from being at the places you do want to be at.

Yeah. Oh my god. Tom would love you. He would get so deep with you on this [ __ ]

Well, we'll go out to the we'll bring our kids to this [ __ ] farm and let them get attacked by a donkey. Yeah. Balls by a pig.

He's friendly. Okay. So, interesting. So, you're you have a healthy thing about the money cuz when I think about retiring, it's like um Yeah. I get really afraid of like am I going to go like oh wait. Um I liked seeing more. I liked my savings increasing not diminishing. That scares me.

Yeah. Well, also that time, you know, that big bang time, I guess that's more was like

what an appropriate title for the I know the big bank time was I never said that before. That was good. I just like came out.

The big bank. Um that was a really once in like I can't even think to be like, "Oh, I wish I had that again." Like that never crosses my mind.

I have the same thing. It's like when this is over, I'll never this will never happen again. This is a moment in time that you're right and it's and I feel that way about Big Bang. I'm like that was like its own life. Like

I will never go back to that. I talk about it with so much love but like this is life is different now. It just doesn't look that way. It will never look that way again.

Just the way else the business has gone and yeah there's just no way. How is O Norman going?

It's going great. It is. Do you enjoying that? So you you launched a pet food company with really cute names. Just chill the [ __ ] out or chill the [ __ ] out.

Yeah. A lot of F. Yeah. Yeah. Like calm the f down. Stop fing nitching. Um W what the [ __ ] treats. WTF treats. Full tasty fresh. Um they're really cute. The packaging is amazing. And it's all like super healthy ingredients. All naturally made, sustainable. It's been an awesome adventure. We're 2 years old. I'm fully involved. Like every name, every product, everything. Like I am obsessed because also for years obviously because of my animal obsession, people have come to me to do something like this and I've always said no. So this was now the moment to do it. And so now that I'm doing it and I I want people to know that I mean it and like it's like so authentic to me. It's like if someone was a influencer and they're doing makeup, it makes sense for them. Like this makes sense for me.

So I want them to know that I everything I'm telling you I'm doing. I'm using. I'm this and that. And I want it to feel very girl next door. So, we've kind of created in a way where it's I mean half the videos I'm doing like on my phone like it's all just everyday stuff. Great.

You have such a charm. She uh she also pitched herself to be the host of the NFL honors ceremony.

Let me tell you something. This is so funny you're bringing this up. I am pissed.

I Yes. Last year I thought I was getting that gig. Yeah. How could you not Snoop Dog?

Well, that was amazing. By the way, you can stomach that. This year John Ham now is hosting. Get a get a chick up there about waiting my turn. I know all about football.

I know a lot and I love it. So I feel like I'm such a good candidate for this. Yes. But now I feel like I'm getting lower on the list. And it's just funny you say this because literally 2 days ago in our house I was like

John Ham's hosting us. Yeah. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MY SHOT? PUT A check up there. up there and it should be you because you've been trying. You've been putting yourself out there, put in the effort. I'm have I feel I've earned it. I can be funny. I am not mean. I I am like fun. I understand the game.

Have you ever hosted anything? Yes. What have you hosted? I have hosted early in my Big Bang days. I hosted People's Choice twice.

Okay. That's a big affair. People's Choice Awards once or twice. I don't like this for you. I don't like what's happened to you.

I appreciate that. It's changing me knowing that I'm not able to be this host of this NFL honors. It drives me crazy. Then they're like, "Well, we'd love you to come present." I'm like, "No,

I don't even know what the honors is. What is that? Is that their Academy Awards?"

Yes. It's basically after the whole year. I mean, you got you're doing MVP. You're handing out all these MVP gets.

It's for a football lover. It's awesome. For a sports lover, it's awesome. Right.

So, I'm just It's just funny you say that because this has been hot on my mind.

She starts a video in a jersey. Thank you. You remember this? Yes, you had a great premise which is like I I know a lot about football, but I have zero loyalty. Whoever is winning, it started with like so and so was in first. I loved him,

but then so and so [ __ ] the bed. Golf. I'm all about golf. I'm like, I'm a Rams fan. I'm from LA. Then then the Lions crushed him. Now I'm a Lions fan.

Lions fan. I'm now Oh, Kelsey, I'll go right to the Kansas City. Like I just went through the whole thing. We had this Yeah, I like audition. What if they ask you next year? What are you going to

100%? Yes. Well, I'm not Listen, I'm not a B. I don't get mad. I get like I will wait year. No, there was a job recently. I won't say the name of it cuz I feel like it's going to come out and it's going to be like, "Oh my god, that was the one." There was a job recently and this is just shows you this business. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done. I wanted this job so bad. And they kept saying, "Oh, you know, we're going to go with so and so. We're and okay, well, if we don't go in so and so, we let's talk." And then these people kept turning it down. These different actresseshu

I mean, I must have at this point I was fifth in line. And I remember my team was like, "We at this point, like, [ __ ] them." I'm like, "Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I still want this." And by the way, I did not get this job. I did not get this job. And it went to someone else. And I laughed cuz I'm like,

"Oh my god, I couldn't believe." And again, I wasn't like the team was like, "We if they actually say yes to you now, now we're saying no to them because this is getting offensive." I'm like, "I don't care. I want the job." And I didn't get it. And now I'm like, I couldn't believe I didn't get it. I didn't get it. It'll come out by next time I see you. We'll talk about it cuz it'll come out. Curious.

I know. But it just shows you like it doesn't matter. Yeah. They didn't want me. I wasn't right for it. But by the way, I know I'm good.

So if they didn't see me for that, it's okay. It doesn't mean all of a sudden I'm not good.

Talent. It's like those insecurities. I don't feel that way. Like I'm like I know I could if they're not that's not the look they're going for. It's obvious it's not. So, okay, that's fine. But like, it doesn't mean I go home like, "Oh, I guess I'm not." They didn't want me. It's like they know I'm good.

Was it to play a historical black woman? Yeah. Isn't that weird? They wouldn't hire me to I know you really tried, but

they just didn't see. We don't need to see the audition tape for that. No, please God, no.

You just, you know, you just, you can't get every I don't know. Well, then I guess this kind of learning all this about you, how chill you are about all of it. The one question I didn't ask you last time that I was curious about is when I look at your resume, the thing that feels like it could have been a very dicey situation was walking into Charmed season 8

girl. Was it a dicey? Um, that was funny. You know, when you do so many things and you just like forget about terrible moments like Yeah. compartmental. I have to say though, I was I was 21 when I cuz I remember I turned 21 on that and I had to go. Can you imagine? I if I knew what I knew now, I don't think I would have ever let this happen. I had I started out that job in their gallery shoot. Imagine this.

Okay. I've never met anyone. Mhm. It's their gallery shoot. Okay. For those a gallery shoot, you're starting season 8. You're going to go do new photos with the cast. It's an all day thing. Everyone's together and you're all wearing black and then you're all wearing red, you know. So I'm the new girl. You got Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, and Holly Marie Combmes.

And so I I'm They're like, I'm going to the gallery. I've never met them. Do you think about that? I'm joining their family photo and I'm 21. I'm the hottest I've ever been, by the way. So let's I'm feeling my like this is a good like I'm thinking I'm like the coolest thing ever, but also terrified. I'm going to tell you the loveliest story about Alyssa Milano. I walk on in that gallery and I am so freaking nervous. It's on their lunch break. They're all in the corners eating. I walk in. Alyssa Milano sees me and I will always tell this story about her. She got up, ran over to me, welcome to the show. Give me the biggest hug in the world. We're so happy. You're so kind. So kind. I will never forget that. In fact, ever since then, and I was like this before that moment, but I make sure I do that to anybody. That was the nicest thing she could have ever done to me.

It just made me feel Oh my god. Huge hug. So glad you're here. Rose maybe not as happy. I don't know. I don't know.

I still don't know if she liked me. I don't know. But Alyssa was amazing. I was terrified.

It's a weird thing coming into a show with how many years a year. I was year eight.

Yeah. And I only did the one season. I mean, I think about that with Big Bang because obviously I started Big Bang after that. I never for we were on that show for 12 years. It's a weird you're you're in you know each other so well.

12 years. So anyone that came in I I was very aware of like this must be so weird for you.

So I always remembered that from Melissa and to this day and I was like that before that but still you you got to go the extra mile in a situation like that. Well cuz it's weird. It's walking into someone's family dinner. It's so weird.

Yes. and you're everyone's close and then you can come, you know, it's like you gota that's tough.

Well, in the hotness is not great either. Then I was super hot. Yeah, it's not it's not helpful.

I can 20 years ago, you know. It didn't I don't think that helped. Was hot then she's hot now.

She's also a horse lover. She must have smelled animals. She had a chihuahua there. It was she was amazing.

How many dogs do you have in your house? We have four. Okay, that's totally reasonable. It's a low number for us.

I thought it was going to be much scarier. We're usually at the six mark. We get a lot of We I love rescuing seniors, so they don't last as long.

And and and how's the barking in the house? Insane. Okay. They're horrible. Okay.

You want to get anything done in our house? Don't even So, I help me understand how you guys are fine with that cuz I live with a tremendous amount of barking.

I have nothing to say to you. It's terrible. It's all the time. They see a leaf. Yeah.

There's a squirrel. There's a visitor. The door bird rings. At this point, I think I do want to um black out our front door cuz I think anything now.

Yeah. Um maybe put eye patches over them for at least a couple hours of the day so we can [ __ ]

listen there's annoying. There's no way to tell you it's How does Tom feel about it?

He hates it. Yeah. He's like, I can't do a Zoom. I go, I know. Don't even try to get work done in this house.

Yeah. So, if you want to have a phone call, if you want to do anything, you want to make a nap. You got to get the kid out of the house to get the dogs. It's totally insane.

Here's another thing. Um, while I'm marrying my grievances. Yeah, we got one dog that'll just eat anything that's in the trash, right? Tampon. We've had that. My poor sister had to pull a tampon one of their butts mid dump. You know,

that's a we call that garbage gut. And we have a dog like that, too. Yeah. So, so my life is my I have to have a rack in my bathroom for my [ __ ] trash can cuz the dog will just make a [ __ ] sty of everything. He goes through everything. And so it's like I pull I have to pull my trash can out of this little [ __ ] cart I have. And I'm like what? This is madness.

It's it's a lifestyle. There's nothing Everything you're saying has happened to us.

It's sweet that they're seniors though. That's nice. seniors. Then we have a when we decided to adopt a cane corso. Do you know this breed?

No. We have a cane corso. They're big, right? Yes. Yes. Yes. She's two. She's awful.

We love her. But she's I mean Tom's like if we're going to have a we got to have a big He wanted a big dog. I understand. I like both. I like the big. So we had we rescued a

puppy King Corso and she she she's she's eating our house. Like, and when I say that, so like walls. Oh my god.

Of walls. It's ruining your home. The yard. I'm like, we have no yard anymore. They're just

And God bless you guys. I don't under I I know what you're going to do. Not have them. That's what a lot I I We have to have them. I have to have them.

I know. I think it's It's a sickness. It's a problem. It would make the most sense that you guys lived in a tent in the backyard and just gave them the house.

Oh. Oh, we live in their house. I love when people come to our house and they're so they go, "Oh, should we take our shoes off?" I'm like,

"Leave your shoes on. I don't know what you're going to step in for your health. This is not our home. We live in a dog park. Please wear your shoes in our house." Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

Okay, the only I must I I will acknowledge the only upside is there's no way your house is ever getting robbed, right? If someone comes up, there's got to be a coffony of [ __ ] chaos

with our corso is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Do the dogs sleep with you? This is the This is the big

We've had all kinds of waves. We've had all kinds of waves. I did have to create um a little boundary. I'm like, I need at least one area of this house that is is not is dog freak.

Yeah. And so that became our bedroom, but that quickly eroded. So basically now one of the dogs is allowed to be on the bed. The other one's not.

Okay. Which is insanely mean to both, but I don't give a [ __ ] Yeah. The one's just looking at the one. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm sorry. You're not. You're a piece of shit." And this one's slightly less piece of [ __ ]

Yeah, 100%. That was going to be I'm like just is there one room we can dedicate? Is that

on the table? Even if you guys agree to it, that quickly goes out the window. It's like, oh, he's so lonely. I'm like, this [ __ ] is supposed to be living in the woods.

No, I know the the bed thing with the dogs definitely. And Tom loves dogs, but the problem is because ours are we have three two that are so old. They do that thing where they're up a lot. You know, when you're older, it's the roaming, the crawling across the dementia.

The dementia. No, it is. Oh, it's the little Why are we're barking at 3:00 a.m. at the wall?

He was like, I can't do this anymore. And I'm like, I understand. So, he started sleeping in the guest room.

Yeah, that's what happened. Which, by the way, game changer. Yeah. I feel like people need to embrace that more.

Tell you why. Yeah. Yeah. Tom is a night owl. Yeah. Goes to bed very late. I go to bed earlier because I'm up. I'm the one who gets up until in the morning and then we have we have help during the day, but I'm up with her in the morning. Yeah. If he's not working, he will tell you. He is a night owl. He writes at night. He reads. It's his quiet time.

So, he's up late and wakes up late on a non-working day. Yeah. We establish this from day one, which I go to bed early and I wake up early. We're totally on different sleeping schedules.

Yes. So, I get up with Matilda. I'm tiptoeing around the bedroom. Matilda, daddy. You know,

I'm like, why are we Yeah. He's like, "I can't sleep." Then he wakes up. He can't go back to sleep. It's terrible. The dogs are like, "Now it's 5 a.m. It's time to go." Like, it's just so He's like, "Do how do you feel if I sleep in that other room?"

We do couples therapy. And we love it. Right. It's amazing. So he brings this up and at first I'm like,

"What will people think?" I had this and he's like, "Why do you He's like, "I never see you at night.

I don't see him. It's not our sexy time. It's not. We don't cuddle. We don't see each other at night.

He goes, "Why do you care?" And I sat there and I went, "Got it." Right. And he goes, "Let's try it."

Game changer. He's happy. You're happy. 100%. Nothing happens but sleep in those beds. He doesn't He didn't move into the bathroom. All his stuff, but he sleeps down there. He sleeps great. No dogs in his way.

Yeah. I'm up with Matilda at 7:00 a.m. She comes in bed with me. I can turn things on. I don't have to worry about waking him up. It has been. And it it just works for us. Yeah. We don't go

like walking to the bedroom holding hand in hand to watch a TV show together. That's why

you were never doing that. Never doing that. And he kind of explained it, but he's like, "What? What are you losing by this?" Because I thought, "This is not good."

Appearance is all you're losing. I really thought that. And my brain didn't realize it was that, but I thought, "This doesn't look good." And he's like, "Do you even have you do you see me at night?" Yeah. And I'm like, I don't because I'm always asleep when he comes to bed.

But I had to realize that because it it hit me in a way that I thought it didn't look good.

Best decision we ever made. It's hysterical. And he sleeps better. There's no dogs in his bed. I can handle the dogs in better to me. So beautiful.

We had this like realization, but I didn't know why I thought it was like so looked down upon. There are so many idea. I mean, same with what you were saying about kids. It's like there's so many ideas of like what is a good marriage or what is a good partnership and it's all so stupid arbitrary.

I think we just saw it on TV, right? A. So you're like, "Well, that's not what I saw on TV."

B, when I grew up, like when there was a stepdad around, we didn't have the extra room for that even been an option. So I don't know if that they would have preferred that. It's just like it was never modeled.

Exactly. It was never modeled and it was never talked about. This is kind of a new thing. People are talking a lot about this now, too. It's kind of interesting. And you're right, though. I think there wasn't a lot of um it definitely was like like a no about that. Yeah. Sleep now is getting so much more conversation. Like everyone's like, "You need it. You have to get it or you'll die. It takes like 30 years off your life if you don't get this." It's like, "Oh my god." No, we're such happier people now after deciding. And it's so funny cuz I as I've been preaching this like I don't care. I don't care what people say about my parenting, whatever. And then I got so worried about what this looks like.

Yes. And I realized what why would I ever who cares? Like it works great for us. We're like so much happier.

You're going to suffer to make other people happy. And be like what did it look like? It was just funny cuz we had to talk about it in our session cuz he really was so funny. He's like what what are you losing by this happening? I was like

literally nothing, right? It's just a big win. We love to we we love our TV time together but we never do that in bed. You're not rolling over and [ __ ] in the middle of the night. You're not TRYING THOSE PEOPLE.

I need to sleep. And we need to sleep. So, do you think maybe though that has to do with some trauma around divorce?

Me? Yeah. The sleeping the Well, just like, oh no, if we're not sleeping together, like is next step this?

Yes. Or what does it look like? Cuz everyone knows I've had this these divorces and like what does that look like? I think all that went through my brain really quickly. Yeah.

And then I realized I'm actually doing something really good in my relationship.

Okay, let's talk about Vanished. How did Vanish come your way? There were a lot of boxes that were checked for me with this. Although I was terrified to go across the country away from my daughter was only like two at the time. So I was like, am I doing this? Like am I doing this? Am I doing this?

In the show. I watched the pilot last night. You're in Paris. The whole show is about this this trip that happens in France. So like when they said we were going to shoot there, I was like, "Oh my god, like how am I going to do this?" And

I had just spent basically 6 months prior to that in Philadelphia with Tom while he was shooting task. I went there and he did that and I was like miss his mom and it was amazing. Then when this came up I was like this is different than going like 6 months Philadelphia feels different than going two months in France. Like there's no how do we make do this? Am I going alone? Are you coming with me? Am I making my kid go? Like I don't want to make her go, but like do I leave her? It was a very

It definitely messed with me. And I actually there were so many years where I would have fellow mom friends who kind of would be tormented over these decisions. And I have to admit I would kind of be like [ __ ] fine.

Leave her. Who cares? Like they're they don't care. I regret ever saying that because it did mess with me on how I'm going to do that. So I fully take that back. So it was kind of a big decision to go. But I the script was so fun and it was a it was tech two months isn't eternal,

right? And Tom was so like encouraging me to go do this. He's like, I think you're going to have I think you should do this. I was He's like, we'll take care of everything here. And he was so great about it. And I don't if there was even 2% less of what he gave, I don't think I would have gone because I it's a lot, you know, and he was kind of Mr. Mom. We have tons of help. But he did a lot while I was gone those few months. And he had the time of his life with her and she was like having so much fun.

Special. It was special. Yeah. It was sweet. And she could care less that I was gone. I was just talking about this the other day. The amount of times I would call and she was doing something. I can't make it to the phone.

Literally like in a class on a play date. I mean she it wasn't like she was like where's mommy? Which is what you want. You don't want her asking where I am.

And it was great. I went in this adventure and it was like so fun. And you know, the show was it's was only four episodes, like so quick and I don't know, it was kind of a fun blip in time and

came home and everything was it's a it's an awesome thriller. It's fun. So, we meet you and you are an archaeologist.

Yes. And you are coming back from Albania where you went on a dig and you're meeting up with your English

boyfriend. Boyfriend. Okay. He's like a Doctors Without Borders type of guy. Yes. Okay. And we learn right out of the gates, they've they've met in Paris to join up and we learn, right, that you are you're going to get a job as a professor in Princeton.

Yes. By the way, this is kind of mirroring you and Tom. Also, you're really you watched

I watched the [ __ ] out. You got a lot of detail. Thank you. You're not even reading it. You're literally saying it.

I just watched it. Don't give me too much credit. Um, so, okay, we've got a real we've got a interpersonal challenge on our hands. Will uh these two vagabons settle down in New Jersey and you teach at Princeton?

And uh what's interesting is I'm watching that scene and I'm like, does he want to go? That's what you're trying to figure out. Like, what are you going to say? No, I'm not going to join you. They've been together for four years

and so it's looking pretty promising. Uh he's he's in. He says he's in. And then we find out he he's got this magical trip. He's going to take you to this hotel they couldn't afford, but he called in a favor and now we're going to go. And now we're on a train and this is romantic. And we think they're going to maybe get engaged.

I fall asleep on the train, which I'm good at, which you real caught me for real. They said, "Get this cuz it's so real." They got and I was like, "Okay, I'm ready to go now." And yeah, I'm going off on tangents. I'm very claustrophobic to the point of like detrimental. It's like ruining my life. What are you doing on an airplane? You're in a tube. It's tough. It's tough.

That's why you sleep everywhere. You're kind of like disassociating from life. Like I'm very um I I can't even sit in a Tesla. Like that front thing.

So the train really messed with me. Okay. So I wake up on the train. You're on the train and he takes a phone call.

Yes. I wake up on a moving train and he's gone. He hence the vanishing. And I'm running up down the train. I'm trying to find him and no idea what happened to him. I think did did the train stop? Was I napping when it stopped? Did he get off? Like all these different

Yeah. And she gets off at the next stop and she's lost in this country and she's in Marseilles, France and she is like I don't know what the hell to do. Goes to the authorities. They seem a little off. Now she's like she meets a reporter. It's kind of a, you know, where did he go and did he leave on purpose and it's kind of this strange mystery and it's like does she just go home or does her curiosity make her want to find find I mean Marseilles where we shot the background of this show is very small.

So once I learned that cuz I swear I saw that entire city over two months. I'm like you could find someone here. It's not like you like it's small. It's a port town.

Unless they got on a boat and you know what? But you you really could I'm like, "Oh, she could look for him for a minute. She could try."

She could believe she could find him. You could believe that she could if she tried really hard maybe actually figured this out.

But the French inspector is a prick. Yeah. He's very condescending. Little misogyny happening.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of maybe he isn't who I thought he would, you know. That's a TV I love.

I love it. I love who done it. I love like you're not who we thought you were. Okay.

Well, the very last frame of the pilot, which I will not give away, but she does discover something here. You really go, "Oh my goodness."

He's definitely not who we think he is. What he's presented as. I didn't trust him to begin with. He's too cute. He's doing too many good things. Mr. Help.

Is it Bingy or do you have to wait week to week? Bingy. Okay. Thank God. I think you know what?

We don't know. I actually don't know the answer yet. because I've never worked with MGM Plus before.

Is that not part of They've been lovely. Nothing's part of anything. This is all 97 different things. Let's all This is where we're at. I There's too many. But they've been amazing and they are a part of Prime. So eventually this will be on Prime, but it's going to start in MJ Plus. The amount of television now,

it's incredible, but it's so widespread. It is. What do you see? What do you watch? What do you do? It's fragmented. And

you would also think that would mean so many jobs. I know. That's what I'm confused about. I agree. It's like we can't we're not working.

I know. It blows my mind. I think there's a lot of reality. There's a lot of dogs.

The strike in the new contract really [ __ ] things up. That's just that's a fact.

That was It started with co I think ruined everything and then that was the wor and then it never survived and then that pushed over the edge.

This is four episodes. It's uh I don't know Kristen's show I think is 10. Uh shows are eight. It's not like 24. So you're going to you're going to get paychecks for 24, you know.

Who's doing 24 now? Pit. Is that who still is doing full season? No, I think it's like 14 or 15. It's still it's it's like it feels like a ton cuz we're not used to that anymore, but it's it's not

it's not 22 or anything. I feel like they're one of the ones that do more than than normal.

I thought it was 24 hours. 15. Oh, it's 15. Okay. I made that up. I was thinking of a day. because it is one day, but I think it's a shift when [ __ ] seems so much so detailed and so intense that I'm like, how do you do that? It's so

You love that show. I think it's fantastic. I have never been happier for an actor in my life. The Noah

the Noah Renaissance is making so happy. The Noance him winning. You know, when you see someone really deserve it,

that is just a good feel. And the nicest guy. Has he been on this show? He hasn't, but I actually went up to him

at the Emmys last year cuz I was a plus one and um I just wanted to introduce myself to him and tell him how much Monica loves him. And um he said, "Um, oh, I've been on your hay ride. I do a hay ride in my neighborhood for Halloween." And I'm like, "What do you what do you mean you're on my hay ride?" He's like, "Yeah, I was on your hay ride." I'm like, "Well, why wouldn't you have said hi?" He's like, "Well, I didn't want to bother you. You were driving the thing

like with his kids." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the nicest dude ever. I love seeing people that like have been doing this a long time and then they have like this another moment

and I'm like hell yeah and he's nice and like I don't know it's cool. Also the the lift of that show like when I'm watching it I'm enjoy I'm I'm panicked because of the stakes but then I'm panicked as an actor.

Oh my god. I'm like how in the [ __ ] do you memorize all that medical jar and let it rip? Is like is like it's your second language. Like you really know.

Not a chance. You couldn't pay me enough money. I just FYI, I ain't doing any medical shows. I don't want to be a lawyer.

Like, I've got limits now. Sure. I just won't. Yeah, boundaries. I won't. I am amazed by people that can do that.

Oh, well, Kaylee, I I adore you. You're such a fun gaz. And it's a [ __ ] who done it. It's a mystery. It's a thriller. You're an investigator. You walk up steep hills.

Oh, that's hard. Can you find pieces of gum? I walk up a lot of stairs and I run a lot.

I run a lot. I run all over Marseilles. Wow. Okay. Out on MGM Plus now. Just another streamer for you guys to to, you know, invest in.

Stream the [ __ ] out of this. Thank you. I'm bringing Tom next time. Oh, please.

Thank you guys.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

Dax Shepard (Host), Kaley Cuoco (Guest).

What is "Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard" about?

Kaley Cuoco discusses her early involvement in the show, her life in Thousand Oaks, and her family's connection to the area, sharing personal anecdotes about her ranch and the unique landscape. The conversation touches on her experiences during the pandemic and the sense of community in her relocated home.

What is mentioned in this Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard episode?

15 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Marseille, MGM Plus, Big Bang, Ozark, Flight Attendant, Task. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Kaley Cuoco Returns | Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard"?

The episode runs 1 h 10 min; the transcript is about 15,799 words in 402 timestamped sections.

More from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 9, 2026.