Transcript

Tom Is A No Sabo Kid | Open Tabs #4

From Bert Kreischer · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 49 min · 9,132 words · 119 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Tom Is A No Sabo Kid | Open Tabs #4", an episode of Bert Kreischer published January 7, 2026 (49 min, about 9,132 words). It mentions 11 people, works and ideas, including The Four Seasons, Two Dope Queens, Tom Sigura, All Things Comedy, Time Suck.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: Augusta, berber.com, Huntsville, Tom Sigura
  2. – 10:00: The Four Seasons
  3. – 15:00: All Things Comedy
  4. – 30:00: Time Suck, Two Dope Queens, Gary Shanling, Tom Sigura
  5. – 35:00: Tom Sigura
  6. – 40:00: The Four Seasons
  7. – 45:00: The Four Seasons, Alan Alda
  8. – 49:17: The Four Seasons, Alan Alda

Notable quotes from "Tom Is A No Sabo Kid | Open Tabs #4"

  • Permission to party kicks up again in 2026. Huntsville, Alabama, January 15th.
    about Huntsville · at
  • We'll be talking about Dan Cummings again. Two dope queens stomach sleeping.
    about Two Dope Queens · at
  • I'm there all weekend. The Four Seasons.
    about The Four Seasons · at
  • I decide on a lark. I wonder if I can buy a gun. I've got to go to All Things Comedy to do the Tinfoil Hat podcast [clears throat] with Sam Tripolley. And I know there's a gun store on the way.
    about All Things Comedy · at
  • Let's talk about podcast. So, we'll go back to podcast names. Time suck with Dan Cummings is one of my favorite podcasts right now. I'm addicted to it.
    about Time Suck · at
  • Topics. They It's just cool. Check it out. It's on HBO Go. Two Dope Queens. I watched that because I watched the Gary Shanling documentary. That was [ __ ] awesome, dude. The…
    about Gary Shanling · at
  • And the movie came up. It's a movie we haven't seen in forever. Okay. it was in from 1981 and it was Alan Alda, Carol Bernett, and a bunch of other people. I can't remember everybody.
    about Alan Alda · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Tom Sigura — Person · 3 mentions · first at
    Tom Sigura and his soft shoeing of his Peruvian side to Dus and Miro. Have you seen this? [ __ ] Sigura is such a sellout. Such a never speaks Spanish ever until he gets around [ __ ] kid.
  • Alan Alda — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Bob Menery — Person · 2 mentions
  • Gary Shanling — Person · 1 mention · first at

Books & papers

Companies & orgs

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

Permission to party kicks up again in 2026. Huntsville, Alabama, January 15th. January 16th, Columbia, South Carolina. The 17th, Charlotte, North Carolina. And Augusta, Georgia, January 18th. Avoid scalpers and go to berber.com to get your lowest ticket price.

So he's like, it's Sigura. And I'm like, dude, it's not up. Like, it's not it's not up to you. It's a [ __ ] Spanish word.

Stop right there. How many of you ever heard Tom introduce himself to someone as I'm sagura? I never [ __ ] never [ __ ] never. It's the soontobe retitled Bert Chryser solo podcast show. I'll probably name it what I want to name it, which is something about open tabs or bar tabs. Cuz in this podcast, I basically go through all the tabs that I've opened throughout the week and I tell you about them. I saw this thing on um on Instagram. We're gonna talk a little bit about Instagram today. I fell in love with this guy, Bob Meny. I showed it a little bit to Shane uh Torres, but I'll show it to you. It is so [ __ ] funny, this guy. He's on Instagram. I don't know how I found him, but I was w listening to him.

[ __ ] Bob Meny. Let's talk about the brilliance, which is Pat McAfee. I think you can sense the the what we're getting into right now. The Menry McAfei's Bob McAfee by the notes are coming back that not a lot of people like Holston. Have you read that?

No. Oh, I'm getting a ton of them. So, I'm kidding. Um, Pat McAfee has a show called uh the Pat McAfee Show. It's on Bar Stool Sports. I'm a fan of the guy. I didn't know he was 30. I thought he was like 43 because he's retired. He's a retired kicker from the Colts. He is an interesting guy. He did stand up one time, filmed it, and shot a special. The first time he'd ever did standup, he filmed it, shot a special, and sold it and made a ton of money off of it. He is a really interesting guy, man. He can do a read better than anyone in the [ __ ] business. And so I said to him the other day, we were talking on he called me for his radio show and we were bullshitting and I told him, I love his Instagram. His Instagram is so freaking interesting. I love his Instagram.

Not 24 hours later, Pat McAfee posts this. It's Easter afternoon and Pat McAfee posts maybe the greatest video my family has ever watched together.

What's going on, Dad? How's it going? Dad, have you ever lost this game before?

No. Okay. It's only the first time I ever played it. They're playing Jenga. In case you don't if you're not from this country,

Bruce Lee up in the What's going to happen tomorrow? This is insane. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen on the internet.

Sally Mac in the background talking [ __ ] [screaming] Unreal. Are you [ __ ] kidding me?

He has risen. Are you [ __ ] kidding me? What's going on? My family. I showed that to Isa and the first thing she said is, "I got to try it." I showed it to Georgia and Georgia was eating a sandwich and she was watching it. She was like, and all of a sudden she goes, "Wait, which one's he going for?" Oh my god, everyone had an amazing reaction. And let me tell you something, that's called the Mickey Man gene. For those of you who don't know, that's called the Mickey Man gene. A man who can do that possesses the Mickey Man gene. He might not have utilized it the way I have, the way I've just kind of flexed it. I've almost like enhanced it the same way that the genetic makeup of Spider-Man changed when the spider bit him. Something must have happened to me.

Wonder if it was a strain of marijuana that went around in the early 90s, late 80s that I got a hold of that we all got a hold of at the same time and it changed our genetic makeup. I I've never seen anything quite as amazing. So, I watch this. [cough] I lose my [ __ ] We'll close this tab. And then I find these are all gun control. We'll be talking about gun control pretty soon. We'll be talking about Dan Cummings again. Two dope queens stomach sleeping. Uh Tom Sigura and his uh soft shoeing of his Peruvian side to Dus and Miro. Have you seen this? [ __ ] Sigura is such a sellout. Such a never speaks Spanish ever until he gets around [ __ ] kid Miro and he's [ __ ] Bqua and he's [ __ ] talking Spanish left and right.

He opens it up like, "Hey, me and your uh see I I speak Spanish, too, Tom. I don't [ __ ] pander to people so that they'll like me." Oh, he never says that. My name's Tommy. Thomas Sagora. He never does that [ __ ] around us. He's married to the whitest woman in the world. But man, this [ __ ] We'll get to this. We'll get to Sigura. Let's Let's build San Antonio. I'm there all weekend. The Four Seasons. That's where I That's where I stayed in Hawaii when I got back from Hawaii was the Four Seasons. But hold on. Let's get to Bob Menry. Is it Bob me? Where is Bob memory?

Where did I have him up here? I had him up here somewhere. Two dub queens. Hold on. We got to get to him. Wife of the party. That's not

Hi everybody. You get to get off that right now. How to adjust audio in iMovie. I know. Let's just pull up Bob Menory. This guy is I found him at the Four Seasons where I was in bed with Leanne. If you've heard this already, I apologize, but this is for one of the those of you who didn't spend four hours listening to my podcast and you're like, "Listen, I need I need the notes, Bert. Give me the cliff notes." Maybe that's what we'll call this. Cliff notes with Bert Chryser. That's basically what I'm doing. [clears throat] Bob Menory. He is a uh he's on Instagram and he does I guess he does he he's a comedian, but he talks like this, but he's got little catchphrases. He's really interesting. This is the one I'll play I'll play you a different one. I'll play you a different one from uh what he I played the other day. This is just what he does. Okay. So, now, by the way, I'm laying in bed with Leanne. We're at

the four seasons. I say for seasons over and over again because you'll get to where why I'm saying it over and over again. It's coming up. It's it's important. Um and and Leanne doesn't know that he is not the sports cer that what he does is he takes sports clips and then he broadcasts over them. He cuts out the audio and delivers his own audio. And it I don't know why he doesn't have a show on Sports Center after hours commentating old games because it's [ __ ] hilarious. Here he is.

Well, Peter, we're going to keep our expectations to a minimum based on his skin color. Troy Aka on the 40. It begins right now. HOLY [ __ ] SUGAR TITTY [ __ ] CUTBACK. Unbelievable as Troy Aka runs a 4.35. Peter, who would have thunk IT AS THE CROWD IS ON THEIR feet going wild for Troy Aka? I just saw a pair of fake titties right after he crossed the finish line. That's how excited this crowd is right now.

I mean, oh my goodness. You know, I can understand the other three players in a 4.32. They were all black. And I'm just calling a spade a spade, okay? You know, I'm sick and tired of the world we live in. As Dion goes basically, buddy, are you kidding me? Are you [ __ ] kidding me? Let's take a look at the replay again. like a [ __ ] bolt of firecrackers went right up his [ __ ] and he finishes at a

by the way the reason that's that's really interesting the really the really reason really that's really interesting to me that race but Bob Menry is the name he does all these videos he just challenged someone I don't know who it was to a golf tournament and I thought it was going to blow up and apparently he only has like 10,000 followers on his YouTube so follow him on his YouTube page I think he posts these videos on his YouTube page but something like this a guy like this I could watch a best of oo I'm looking for a video. Let's see if it came to me. I'm looking for a video of Charles Barkley and Shaq that I It made me laugh hysterically.

Cancel. Um and I couldn't find it. Let's see if someone sent it to me. Um I couldn't find this video. There was a clip of Charles Barkley and Shaq. That was No, that's not it. I I'll find it for the next episode. It made me laugh so hard. But uh but follow this guy Bob Memory on um on YouTube. He does long vines. Let's get to the Let's get to These are me all just looking for Shaq and Oh, here's Bob Menory. We're out of that. Funniest Chuck is Shaq moments. Can't find one I'm looking for. Get out of that. All right. I got my guns today. I got my guns today. So, I want to talk about this for a second. By the way, this isn't my opinion. This is my experience.

All right. So, don't think I'm giving you opinion on gun laws or an opinion on gun safety or an opinion on gun control or an opinion on guns. This is my experience and I'm telling you about my experience. Okay? I don't want to get this twisted into a gun control bait debate and you tell people what I think. I'm not telling you what I think. I'm telling you what happened to me. I didn't know anything about guns. I knew nothing about guns. I knew so little about guns that I knew I knew nothing about guns. Yet, I would hear people on both sides argue adamantly that also knew nothing about guns. And I felt to myself, I don't want to be an idiot. I don't mind knowing nothing about guns.

But with where we are today in the gun control uh debate, I didn't want to be one of the idiots that knew nothing of guns and had an opinion. Those are the worst people in the world. People who know nothing. I heard someone the other day say uh Dave Smith said it's almost like say you follow this is Dave Smith from Legion Gangs say you're a a big Hawks fan and then and I don't know the Hawks at all. I don't even follow basketball and I said what do you think about the trade for dot dot dot and I said let me tell you what I think but I've never watched the Hawks. That is what is happening in this country today and I believe in that. I agree with that. Dave eloquently said it. I believed this a month ago when I started the process of buying a gun. But the reason I wanted to buy a gun is I had heard people say how easy it is to get a gun in this country and we need to get stricter gun laws,

stricter gun control laws. So [clears throat] on a lark, a little depressed, a little lost, having done the special, not knowing what I'm writing about in the future, not knowing I feel like I've milked all the stuff about my family and my life experiences. I want to write from a new place. I get a little bored sometimes. I don't want to rewrite the same jokes I've done. And I really don't talk about politics, but I don't want to talk about politics. I want to talk about my experience in politics. I'm a storyteller. So, I decide, and by the way, this isn't the bit. If it ever becomes a bit, this is not the bit.

I decide on a lark. I wonder if I can buy a gun. I've got to go to All Things Comedy to do the Tinfoil Hat podcast [clears throat] with Sam Tripolley. And I know there's a gun store on the way. So, I yelp a guns. I yelp guns. By the way, this is this is the problem America, I think, is having with how easy it is. I yelp guns. I don't I don't know an arms dealer. I don't know the the Lord of War or the King of War. I just yelp guns and it's like all over the place there. there's one next door to you. Then then I'm like, well, where's one on my way to go to All Things Comedy?

And they're [clears throat] like, the one there's seven on their way to All Things Comedy. There's a lot of gun stores, by the way, with him in LA. I didn't think there would be I honestly did not know there would be a gun store, let alone a plethora of gun stores to to What was the line from Wayne's World? I don't need a I don't have a gun, let alone a plethora of guns to necessitate a rack. remember she bought him a gun rack. Uh so I'm driving there and I go to the highest rated ones. Shout out to they're the my guns dealer. They're the guys that all the guys over there were very very very very kind to me. Um, [clears throat and cough] I got 30 minutes before my meeting starts and I figure from what I've heard in the in the national dialogue, I can definitely pick up a gun in 30 minutes.

That's what that I mean, I'm just telling you that's what I've heard. So, I pull up, get out, uh, hey, what's up? I'd like a gun. And they're like, uh, what do you need a gun for? And I was like, respect. And they laughed. And then they recognized me. And then they were like, "Seriously, what do you need a gun for?" I was like, "Seriously, respect." I was like, "No, I want it for uh home fa self home and home protection."

Not not self-defense cuz I'm I'm not going to pull a gun on anybody. Hey, man. [ __ ] you. I want it for uh home safety. Uh in case someone home invades me. And they're like, "Cool. What are you thinking about?" I was like, "Well, I know I want a Mossberg." That's all I wanted when I went there was just I wanted a Mossberg. I wanted a black Mossberg. I knew the gun I wanted.

What kind of gun is a Mossberg? A Mossberg. By the way, I own one. I'm not entirely sure. It's a It's a It's a You can put a lot of bullets in it. You can put six cartridges in it. Six plus one because I think you can chamber one and then load up six. It's a 12 gauge.

Okay. A little little more gun than Leanne can control, I think. But it doesn't matter. Uh, I got two different types of ammo. I got more of like a like a a shooting clay ammo that goes a little wider and I got uh, hey, let's we have to redo the drywall ammo. So, I go, I want a Mossberg. And he's like, cool. Uh, and he's like, you want anything else? I was like, I can get more than one. That's by the way, that is my type of shopping. And he was like, yeah, you can actually get a handgun, too. You can get a a long gun and a handgun. I was like, dude, I want both. Gives me the test. You got to take a test. You got to fill out a form.

So, almost like filling out paperwork for a house. It's a lot of paperwork. It's It is a lot of paperwork. Fill it out. I'm such an idiot. I pay for them. I fill it out and I go, "Listen, I got a meeting in uh 10 minutes. I'm just going to come back on my way here." And they they were like, "Great." So, I go to my meeting. I come back and I'm like, "I'm ready for my guns." And he's like, "Oh, there's a 10-day waiting period." And I was like, "What?" I was like, "No, I don't even want them. Who the [ __ ] I want a gun now? Like I don't who wants to who has ever bought something and was like, I can't wait till it comes in 10 days. Amazon gets [ __ ] here quicker than 10. I I'm so immediate that if I want a camera, I can get it here today. And by the way, that is a long wait for me cuz sometimes I just go, "Fuck it. I'll go to the store. I want it immediately. I want my purchases immediately." And when

he said 10 days, I literally was so deflated. I was like, "So I can't even buy ammo. Like I can't buy anything." And he was like, and they were like, "Very cool. No, that's the law. I was like, all right. So, I pay for them. I go home. And then, quite honestly, I just don't remember I bought guns. I don't care about it. I'm like, whatever. I have guns waiting for me. They're there. I go to Hawaii. I go on tour. I go to Hawaii. I a month goes by and that starts to creep up on when your guns get given back because they're you never came back to go get them. So, they call and they say, "Today, right now [clears throat] is the very last day you can get them." So yesterday I go I was like I'll go a day early. You got to bring a DWP bill with your name on it to prove that you live at the house. I go in DWP bill uh car registration. He he I I email him to him. He pulls him up and he's like I can't give you your guns. I

was like what? He's like the name of your shit's not registered in your name. I was like are you [ __ ] kidding? He's like no man. The shit's not registered in your name. Uh you got to Oh Le just went in the garage. uh your car is not registered in your name. It's

under Leanne's name. It's under all under Leanne's name. And I'm like, are you [ __ ] me? He was like, I hate to say this, but what you're gonna have to do is you're gonna have to draw up a lease and lease your house from your wife. I'm like, are you [ __ ] the [ __ ] red tape? Like, are you serious?

And at this point, you're lying. I mean, technically technically now I'm I'm That's how hard it is to get a gun. So, I have to So, I can't get my guns yesterday. I go home. I I I uh Do me a favor. Bleep out the two guys names just in case what we're doing is illegal. And bleep out the name of my gun dealer. Okay.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Bleep out all the guns. What two guys' names? The I said their name. Shout out to Dot and Dot. You'll hear it.

Oh, okay. Okay. It's [clears throat] got to be like five minutes behind here. So, I we get a lease. Leanne officially draws up a lease. Uh, says I've been a renter from her since 2011, since we bought the house or for I don't know why she said 2011. I guess we bought in 2009. And then I leased the house from Leanne. I pay her a stipen. And now I lease I'm a lease in my own house that I [ __ ] own so I can buy a gun. I am so exhausted by the gun process that I can't believe anyone can go through this and get a gun in LA. It's just too much.

First of all, you you you have to own a house. Second of all, the house everything has to be in your name if you want the gun, which is does happen with a lot of men that aren't cucks. [snorts] And then I start [clears throat] going I say to my guys, I go, "How hard is it to get a gun in LA?" And they're like, "Dude, California is the strictest gun laws in the country." I was like, "Really?" Now, I will say this. This is an opinion. I am cool with everything I had to go through. I'm not angry at the state of California. I'm not angry at the gun control laws. I just noticed that we've also had shootings as well.

We had a big shooting at YouTube the other day, which is in California. Correct.

Mhm. So it's that's we have all the loopholes or not loopholes we have all the pitfalls so you can't get a gun. We have all the hoops to jump through and it's still happening in our state.

It's still happening and then I just was like just out of curiosity I was like what are the hardest states to buy guns in and what are the easiest states to buy guns in? So I thought we just share this. This is information the 10 states the strictest strictest gun laws. Number 10 surprise the living [ __ ] out of me. Pennsylvania.

Oh, interesting. Right. I tell you why it's got to be Pennsylvania. Because the Northeast has, I think, the strictest gun laws mostly because of the most metropolis. So, states like Philadelphia, um, Delaware, uh, uh, Maryland, DC, uh, New Jersey, New York, I think Boston. I wouldn't be shocked if Boston, Massachusetts, states like that are the strictest gun laws. I I'm pretty sure mostly because there's so many people living in such a small confined area in so many different places that if you did shoot a gun, if if gun shots I I'm start my theory is that gun laws are based on distance of people. The further away you are from people, the the further away you live from people, the looser guns gun laws are. The closer the people live together, the stricter the gun laws are because you can't just sell someone a shotgun in New York City because if they have a shotgun in New York City and they

decide to use it, they are definitely killing their neighbor. Like their neighbor is going to feel the repercussions of that. Pennsylvania I'm reading it. I should read out loud, but I'm bad at that. Illinois, right? That's Chicago. [sighs] Rhode Island. I think that's just cuz it's a small place and like no one is really tiny to be in Rhode Island. Correct. Maryland. Maryland's got uh District Columbia in it, right? Or is that Washington? Maryland's like But Maryland's Maryland. Hawaii surprised me. In Hawaii, no person shall acquire the ownership of a firearm one either by purchase, gift, inheritance, bequest, or any other manner, whether procured in Hawaii or imported until he is procured from the chief of police of the county of his place of business, residence, or sojourned a permit to acquire.

Whoa, dude. No one's getting guns there. [ __ ] And and Hawaii was the most recently taken over. Like, you know what? Our whole right to bear arms for fear that the state will come in and and and take over our the the government will come in and take Hawaii. That just happened in like 1950 or something, right? That's Alaska. That's Alaska. Alaska is the last state, isn't it?

I thought Hawaii is. When was Hawaii? Will you Google when Hawaii was Yeah. A well reggulated militia being necessary to secure the freedom freedom of state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. It's a state provision, but man, it is hard as [ __ ] to get a gun in Hawaii.

1959. 1959. I mean, I guess we didn't come in then. And I mean, we we mean we I mean white people. And by white people, I mean Dole. uh came in and [ __ ] took took over their monarchy in probably like the 30s or 40s or tens or twelves or anyway Connecticut makes sense. Everyone's [snorts] crammed in. These are all northeast states except for Hawaii, New York Massachusetts Jersey, and California. So, the three toughest ones are California. Let's see what California says. California is a state known for the strictest gun laws in California.

The state known for the strictest gun laws in California. The state known for the strictest gun laws in [ __ ] This is what happened when I did my audio book. The [clears throat] state known for the strictest gun laws is California. In California, all firearm sales, transfers, including private transactions, and sales at gun shows must go through a California licensed firearm dealer. California also has no provision in its state constitution that explicitly guarantees an individual the right to keep or bear arms. Keep and bear arms. So then I was like, okay, interesting. Now in my deduction, I was like, all small places, all northeast. Now, what's the places with the easiest gun laws? I'm going to let you guess. If you can guess five, you I'm going to let you guess. If you can get you got to guess seven out of the 10. Okay.

Super [ __ ] easy. Texas. No. No. No. Florida. You nailed it. Washington. No. Oregon.

No. Nevada. No. But Nevada's close. But no. Idaho. Idaho. Wyoming. No. Alabama.

H. Alaska. Oh, Alaska. Well, for protection against the animals. Yeah. Alaska's got to be very easy. Like, hey, do you have a gun? They're like, don't even you don't have to pay for it out there.

There's danger probably around the corner. Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, and Idaho. the easiest states to buy a gun according to the USA Today, which is a little bit of a rag.

I'm kind of surprised Texas isn't there. I feel like they have a lot of uh pride with their their guns and they all wear their holsters. And I've never been to Texas, by the way.

No, I I By the way, I didn't see Texas on the list. Texas might not count because it's not it's I don't think it's part of the country.

It's its own country. It's not its own state, own province or something. I don't know. I just made that up.

I've heard something like that as well. In Alabama, license, registration, or permit to required to buy a gun? No. Permit needed to carry a handgun? Yes. Registered gun per,000 adults? 30. 30 registered guns per thousand adults. So that means that that can't mean that like one guy's got 30 guns and 999 don't have any, right?

No. Anyway, that was my that was my that was my I'm done with gun control. I don't really give a [ __ ] about it. I have two guns now. Um, both are for home protection. Both are wired and hooked up for home protection. Meaning like I went in and paid the extra money to get it all taken care of. Like I got my my shotgun set up for self-defense then killing if if you know what I mean. And then uh and then my my [ __ ] Glock is badass. It looks badass. Changed out the scope. doing a light whatever little [ __ ] sleep action. I don't know what I just made that up. Um, all right.

Let's talk about podcast. So, we'll go back to podcast names. Time suck with Dan Cummings is one of my favorite podcasts right now. I'm addicted to it. If you're not listening to it, I suggest you listen to it. It is much better than the solo podcast you're listening to right now. It is well researched and he takes subjects in his podcast. These are the s such subjects. I'll just share them with you real quick. Um, sign in. Okay, his website's not the best. Not going to lie to you. Uh, there we go. Uh, the Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez, is episode bonus episode number 19.

America's Gun Control is a fascinating one. And by the way, does such a better uh coverage than what I just did. That's number 80. That's recently. The Chernobyl disaster, number 79. Defiance, the Nazi killing Bolinsky brothers. The Nazi killing Bolinsky brothers. You don't think I'm going to listen on a [ __ ] plane? and he does a comprehensive review. He does all the research. I think he's got a team of researchers and he puts it all together. He also edits all together. It's not just one take so it sounds seamless. It is such a great [ __ ] podcast.

Alistister Cwley, the wickedest man in the world. I know that name, Alistister Cwley. I don't know how I know it. And so that's going to be one I listen to. Norris Gods. Oh, you know that's right up my alley. Tupac and Biggie. Fame, Money, and Murder. Guns and Gods. The David Kekner story, the David Caresh Waco story, that's one I'll listen to. I got really obsessed with. Um, let's get out of this. But Time Suck with Dan Cummings is something I was obsessed with. And that led me to Two Dope Queens. Two Dope Queens is on uh on HBO.

They uh have a a show on HBO. It's actually really really good. I say that actually really really good only because it's a live podcast. It's not technically a stand-up show. It's a live podcast and it's an hour long and it's really entertaining. And I know they came from the podcasting place and I've seen so many live podcasts that I was immediately like this is going to suck [ __ ] But man, they come out there. They look beautiful. They I mean I say that I know that I shouldn't say that about a comic. I should just go. They're funny.

But they do look beautiful. Their stage is gorgeous. I love And it's a soldout huge [ __ ] theater in Brooklyn. and they go in, they pack the place out and they destroy. They cover uh they cover topics. They It's just cool. Check it out. It's on HBO Go. Two Dope Queens. I watched that because I watched the Gary Shanling documentary. That was [ __ ] awesome, dude. The Gary Chandling documentary. If you're a fan of Gary Shanley and I'm more of a fan of Andre the Giant that comes out in like a month. That one's going to be [ __ ] great, bro. Andre the Giant lived life.

I would love to be that big. I know it would suck like taking shits and stuff, you know, sitting on a toilet and having the toilet go up your [ __ ] What are you looking at?

Alistister Cwley a little bit. What is he? It just says Alistister Cwley was an English occultist, ceremonial ceremonial magician poet painter novelist and mountaineer.

I wonder if that's the Mr. Crowley from Aussie Osborne song. I'm almost certain it is. It's got to be

Mr. Crowley. Um, and uh I was going to look up Andre the Giant. There's some like drinking legends of his.

Oh, that he would drink 24 beers on a flight. Yeah, but the beers look like like thimbles in his hand.

Yeah. Vicceland. Uh oh. This is Let's get to the [ __ ] soft shoeing of Tom Sigura. Let's see. Where is he? Is this it? Just I want you to hear how he starts his interview with Jesus and Miro. How do I [ __ ] did I get kicked offline? Here we go. Tom Sigura extended cut. Now listen, you know this guy, right? You're a fan of this guy, right? You ever heard him talk Spanish? I know him very well. I know him very well. I do know that he can understand Spanish. You ever heard him talk Spanish?

No one show late now. You know what it is? Nothing but illustrious guests. That's right, YOU PIECES OF TRASH. TODAY WE GOT STANDUP comedian and [ __ ] superstar Tom Sagura whose Netflix hold on. Did you just hear that? Did you hear?

Did you hear the way he said it? Tom Sagura. Tom Sagura from Tampa. Tom Sagura. [ __ ] you know why that is? You think he said that? No. No. No. No. No. Tom introduced himself that way. Yo, I tell you. That's a joke in Spanish. Look at this fat f

right now on the podcast is your mom's house. Yep. That sounds like not to mama's casita.

A podcast for your mom's house. To mama's casita. Tommy, come to the table. Tommy,

my guy, welcome. Also, shout out to Miro pronouncing your name correctly. My man is Dominican.

You speak fluent Spanish. I do. I do. I do. OH, [ __ ] SHUT UP. HOW MANY PEOPLE?

OH, SHUT UP, TOM. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LIKE, you see, I'll say it. Sigura. Hey, you know who says it the most [ __ ] up? My dad, whose last name it is? How does he say it? He's a white guy who has a Spanish last name and my mom is Peruvian, right? So, we learned Spanish because of her, but oddly we have a Spanish like m, you know paternal

in Cincinnati name. So, he's like, it's Sigura. And I'm like, dude, it's not up

like it's not it's not up to you. It's a [ __ ] Spanish word. Stop right there. How many of you ever heard Tom introduce himself to someone as I'm sagura? Never. [ __ ] never. [ __ ] never. [ __ ] nonka. Nonka never.

You don't get to go say it the way I feel like saying it. It's like in LA, the neighborhood of like they call it all the [ __ ] people, white people call it Los Felas. It's like it's Los Felis.

It's Los Felis. Is it Los Felis? Are you serious? Los Phelis. Shut up, Siri. Mine went off too.

It's Is that really how you say Los Felis? I don't know. My last name isn't Seura.

That's so interesting. I usually drive up there using I I don't go. You kind of know a decent amount of Spanish.

I I am [ __ ] fluent in Spanish. As fluent as Tom Sigura, but I don't use it to make friends.

Are you really? Yes. Glattis, but it's like Taco Bell. You know what I mean? It's like, you take Y stuff or just ruin it.

That's real true. See, what they what they did for white guys like me and Tom is they taught us Spanish in high school and then you went to college and you're like, "Shit, I can learn a new language or I can just get an A in Spanish. You took Spanish again in college. So, you took eight years of Spanish 1 through 4." And so, you can just basically say, "Hey, can I borrow your pencil? Where's what's the capital of Peru?" And, uh, "Excuse me. Uh, I only have a pen

boulevard or whatever. Yeah, that's a scissor in Spanish for the uninitiated. And everybody was like, "Hey, I'm going over to Tajara."

Yeah. And [ __ ] I got a real [ __ ] problem. Speak to the camera. Let her know. Let her be known.

I got a problem. Come on, Caesar Chavez. Laqua water. Okay. Like that. Wow. Lacroy. That shit's not Lacroy.

It's Lacro. That's Laqua. LACROY. PEOPLE THINK LIKE, "YO, let me all the Lacroy in here." And so your problems with the pronunciation? Can I tell you what my real problem is? Is they like him more than they liked me.

A little jealous. A little jealous. [ __ ] I'm the one that's been a fan of theirs for [ __ ] [ __ ] years. I call Tom AFTER DOING THEIR SHOW AND I go, "You have to do this show. Jesus and Miro. It's so much fun." I text Mero Tom's number. I text Mero Tom's number. Mero, this is Tom. Tom, this is Miro. You guys have to do a show together. You guys would be You guys would be awesome. By the way, I was right. I was totally right. They are [ __ ] awesome. This is a great interview once they get past this. But uh it's a great interview.

He's it. They But they love him. They [ __ ] love him. I've texted Mirror like five times since. Never [ __ ] replied once. It's such a great interview and it did it did really well online. I'm going to get out of this interview because I can't. It just [ __ ] kills me. Stomach sleeping is something I was looking into. The Four Seasons. Let's just run quick real through through what we got here. Um, this was a Joe Rogan episode. I don't know what this was.

Vegas Magician. He's a wizard, dude. Legion of Skanks with Joe Rogan is such a great [ __ ] episode. It's one of the It's one of the best JRE I've seen in a really long time. The three of them, Lewis J. Gomez, Big Jay, and uh, and Dave Smith literally are on their P's and Q's. No one's talking over each other. They're being funny as [ __ ] They talk It was such a great interview that halfway through I wanted to say like I would use any of these topics you're talking about and making me die laughing in the car. I'd use them as a bit. They It was such a good interview. They talk about robot people and would you [ __ ] one if you could buy one? And then at one point Rogan's like, "No, but I was thinking about getting one to wrestle with." And all of them are like, "Sure."

And Joe's like, "No, they sealed up the [ __ ] in the mouth. Seal it." Dude, it was so it was such a funny [ __ ] interview that the whole time I'm dying laughing. And it was all I could think of is when when I first heard about robot people, I was with my buddy Obie. And I was like, "Whoa." We were watching it on like on Real Sex. They used to have a show called Real Sex or something. I think it was called Real Sex

on HBO. On HBO. And they showed one and me and Obie were watching it and I was like, "That's [ __ ] insane." and he was looking at it but looking past it and he just very quietly as if he was saying it to himself said, "Do you realize how weird you get with one of those?" And I laughed so [ __ ] hard. I was like, "Yeah, I have an idea." Here's another clip at Sagura. Um, Savannah Guthrie cursed live on TV. I think you should be able to curse on TV. I think that's [ __ ] horit. Um, Roseanne Bar had 18.6 million viewers.

That's a game changer. Shout out to Tony Hernandez or Antonio Hernandez. Fronta highlight and Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings.

What is What about episode two of Roseanne? How did that one? [clears throat] Not not must not be huge because no one reported on it. But

I haven't heard anything about it, but it's probably still bigger than any show on television. And uh Judge is sending DMX to prison. [ __ ] that sucks. At this point, DMX is like, I think that might be good for him. He doesn't look healthy. I got to change my lifestyle before Lena Dunham bit Beyonce in the face. Allegedly. That's what they say. Lena Dunham bit Al Beal Beyonce in the face. Tiffany Hattish said someone bit Beyonce in the face. And everyone thinks it's Lena Dunham. And Lena Dunham came out and was like, "I did not bite her in the face." But what are you going to say? What are you going to say? Yeah, I bit her. I [ __ ] bit her. And by the way, I would bite people like not She didn't attack her and bite her. She just went, "Oh, I love you." Like that, you know? Yeah. It wasn't like a I'm so [ __ ] up, you know? But like they think it's Lena Dunham. Might have been

Amy Schumer. Think about that. Amy would bite someone in the face. All right. Uh, she bites someone in the face if like someone another comic did it before her.

She's not like a baby though. Like why would you do that? Uh, I don't know. I bite L in the face all the time. Um, I bite I bite a lot of people. I bite I'm a biteer. I'm a biteer actually. I bite a fair amount of people. Shout out to Lena Dunham. She gets too much [ __ ] Lena, I'm on your page. If you did bite Beyonce, dude, come on my podcast and talk about it. I bite people. If I ever see Lena Dunham, I'll bite her on the face. I just go give her a hug and go, I love you and just bite her on the face. I' I've been a lot of people, now that I think about it, I bite the [ __ ] out of people. I sometimes I will grab Isla and I'll give her a bear hug and I'll just bite onto her shoulder. I love biting people.

Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. All right. Chrissy Tegan explains that Snapchat's dead. Snapchat's apparently dead. So, if you're still using it, get off that train and get on to Instagram. Snapchat has died. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a moment of silence for Snapchat. We should actually do like 30 seconds of silence for Snapchat. Uh, Snapchat. Make take a moment of silence for Handsome Man Boy. He was a big Snapchat starter. Did you ever follow that guy

on Snapchat? Handsome Man Boy. Let's see if I can pull him up real quick. Um, handsome man is what comes up. Boy, handsome man boy. He was best Snapchat in the world. Handsome man boy. Let's pull it up. You ready? By the way, the reason I followed him Oh, this is on his Facebook. Look, he's already off Snapchat. He's on Facebook. Handsome man boy.

Hey yo, the [ __ ] in the room. Yeah, you know it's me. [singing] So, handsome man boy. Uh, not a lot of not a lot of uh material inside the content. It's a lot of selfies. He's a DJ and uh I think he's I don't even think he's a DJ. He's a promoter and he just is uh pretty confident and he's got like rainbow colored hair and uh he gets girls naked a lot on his show and he smokes blunts. That's him was ri with riff raff and uh he had a beef with Mike Buucy. I know that apparently he boxes now, which is seems to be everyone [ __ ] boxes that everyone's getting into fighting.

[ __ ] follow your passion, [ __ ] This is all handsome man boy. I I really could care less. I stopped following I stopped using Snapchat when he got big. So, I was like I kind of didn't get it entirely. And so, I was like,

you do way better on Instagram. Well, I just didn't enjoy Snapchat. I didn't like the people I was following and no one grown up was using it. And now I'm on Instagram. I really like Instagram. Like I I have fun in Instagram. R. Kelly claims he trained teen girls in alleged sex dungeon.

I heard about that. Well, yeah, but you got to train them. Like you can't just send them in untrained. Just kidding. So, uh, Untitled. I wonder what this YouTube page was. I wonder what this YouTube page was. I wonder what this YouTube page was. European road trips. I don't know why I would have Googled that. That I must have been drunk googling that. We're wrapping it up, everyone. Charlemagne versus Mon'nique. Of course. Of course. It's just hip-hop pages. Jesus and Miro. I [ __ ] watch them daily. Shout out to Jesus and Miro.

Just all I'm asking is that you say you like me better than you like Tom. Um, it's not a competition, bird. Oh, shut the [ __ ] up. I'm joking everybody. Jesus Christ. I don't really I hope I I I

I've had some of my friends actually text me and ask me like what's what's going on between bird and Tom? Like are they okay? And I'm like oh Jesus come on

f I talk to him every other day on the phone for like an hour and we fight. We fight non-stop for an hour. We fight about whose dick dick is bigger.

Mhm. I'm drinking Kool-Aid. How much time have we done? 50 minutes. All right, let's wrap this [ __ ] up. I watch this Charlemagne versus Mo'Nique on Joe Buddton's podcast. Shout out to [clears throat] the white guy on Joe Buddton's podcast. Shout out to Damiro for me saying shout out. I never used that before I met them.

Any weird porn this week? Uh, no. Yeah, I've been watching this uh I don't know why this turns me on, but it it's porn where the uh the title is um guy blows blows a load in girl and she's not on the pill. But there's no way to really prove that. But it still turns me on. Like there's no way to be like verify like she doesn't go, "Are you [ __ ] kidding me? I'm not on the pill." She just goes, "Oh yeah, daddy." Or whatever the [ __ ] I don't I can't I can't say hear that word daddy after uh after uh the puff ditty blowing out the candles [ __ ] thing.

Uh four seasons here was the four seasons. This is why see if I can find the video. So we stayed at the four seat here. Let's bring you with closure, people. You want closure, I got closure for you. The Four Seasons, the movie. God damn it. Lean and I were staying at the Four Seasons. We typed in The Four Seasons and the movie came up. It's a movie we haven't seen in forever. Okay. Um, it was in from 1981 and it was Alan Alda, uh, Carol Bernett, and a bunch of other people. I can't remember everybody. But here's a trailer to it just so you can enjoy a trailer to it. Okay.

Is this the fun part? Are we having fun yet? Through winter. Spring. Summer. Oh my god, the boat's moving.

You go ahead, folks. I'll catch up. And fall. I wonder what other people do on their vacations.

Somehow they survive it all. Alan Alda, Carol Bernett, Len Cario, Sandy Dennis, Rita Moreno, Bess Armstrong, and Jack Weston. Friendship is like the seasons. The Four Seasons written and directed by Alan Alder.

That's when trailers didn't matter cuz you only they only put out a hundred movies a year and you had to see every movie that came out. Yeah.

What's beautiful about this movie and you got to get it on DVD. You can't get it anywhere else. Leanne and I, what Leanne and I should do is we should rent our copy of The Four Seasons for you and your wife to watch. We where we send it to you with a bottle of wine. You got to watch it with a bottle of wine. We watched it with a watch with two bottles of wine. [snorts] And uh and it's if you're older, meaning like Lean Lean's much older than me. She's like 57. How old is Leanne?

You're like 62 or something. 62. 103. Lean's older than me and but I'm 45. And so many of the themes in this are so relevant. They don't make movies like this anymore. They make movies, which is really cool. They make movies like um like uh like Pitch Perfect, where my daughters watch it and they hope for life. They go, "Oh, I can't wait to go to college. Maybe I'll join an ac capella band. Maybe I'll have a group of friends and we'll all live in the same house and we'll be this tight and we'll have a fat girl that we call fat Amy.

Maybe maybe I'll fall in love. Maybe my boyfriend will paddle out in a boat and serenade me from a boat. That's the beauty of a movie is it it allows you to dream about a life you don't have, but you might be able to have. Even Star Wars, I remember watching Star Wars and go going, I wonder if one day I'll find out that I got superpowers and that I'm like Luke Skywalker. I'm a Jedi. Like I It allows you to dream. But they don't make movies for 40-year-old couples anymore cuz it just doesn't sell. But back when Hollywood was Hollywood, when it was Hollywood, you could be Alan Nalda, write a script and go, I'd like to make this. And someone will give you probably what the B tell see if you can find out the budget for the Four Seasons. Um, but I can tell you what it is in a hotel room. It's pretty [ __ ] expensive. But they they give you the budget to make a movie like this and you'd make what would be a shoestring

budget movie and you'd release it out and people would find it. And this movie came out in 1981. Just to be fair, 1981 is right around when DVRs VCRs came out.

6.5 million it was made for. Good god. It made uh 50.4 in the box office. Really?

Yeah. How much did it make altogether though? It's got to be a lot cuz this cuz this came out when VCRs came out. VHS. So we saw this on VHS. My I remember my parents watching it with their friends in the living room and I must have seen this movie. I must have seen this movie 30 times. That's how often my parents watched it. 30 times. They don't make movies like that. So, that's what Leanne and I are going to try to do. We're going to try to write a movie for 40-year-old people who want to live life. I mean, all I'm doing right now is [ __ ] fantasy fulfillment. Just all the [ __ ] that's cool when you're your our age to do. That's what I'm focusing on. That's what I'm [ __ ] doing.

I [ __ ] love this movie. It's such a good movie. The characters are so strong and the writing is so [ __ ] strong. Shout out to Dus Amiro first for telling me how to do shout outs. Shout out to [ __ ] Allen and Carabonette who are both still alive and in their 80s I think. Uh the guy that was giving the speech about afraid of underwear, he has passed. Uh the original wife, she has passed, but Rita Moreno is still alive. If any of you guys want to do my podcast, any of the cast of the Four Seasons, open invite. What a great [ __ ] movie. Have a great weekend. I love you guys with all my heart.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Tom Is A No Sabo Kid | Open Tabs #4"?

In order: 0:00 Augusta, berber.com, Huntsville, Tom Sigura; 5:00 The Four Seasons; 10:00 All Things Comedy; 25:00 Time Suck, Two Dope Queens, Gary Shanling, Tom Sigura; 30:00 Tom Sigura; 35:00 The Four Seasons; 40:00 The Four Seasons, Alan Alda; 45:00 The Four Seasons, Alan Alda.

What is mentioned in this Bert Kreischer episode?

11 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including The Four Seasons, Two Dope Queens, Tom Sigura, All Things Comedy, Time Suck, Alan Alda. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Tom Is A No Sabo Kid | Open Tabs #4"?

The episode runs 49 min; the transcript is about 9,132 words in 119 timestamped sections.

More from Bert Kreischer

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.