Crowdwork in Omaha (ridiculous) - Chris D'Elia Standup

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 CHRIS MAKE SOME NOISE. NICE. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, what's up Omaha? How you guys doing? You can cut it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the music. That's That's enough of the music. What is this? A musical drip. Just play the whole [ __ ] song. Sorry, my iPod shuffle is on. I don't know how to I don't know how to turn it off. Just keep going. What's up, dude? Daddy gave me the mic and he was like, "Dude, they're good, but they're ghetto, so chill the [ __ ] out. We'll be good." Uh, what do you guys This is it. Omaha.

0:57 Dude, you know what? This is one of those places I have no idea if I performed here before or not. Have I?

1:02 I have. Was it at a comedy club? Okay, I remember. I remember. I think. I'm just saying that, dude. Um Omaha, dude. Omaha, Nebraska. [ __ ] yeah, dude. We're here. It is Sunday. Nobody is out, dude. I was walking the street and it was like [ __ ] Where do you guys go? You guys are just like not on Sunday. There's so much construction out there and just nobody doing it. Just leaving it, you know, Friday at 5:00 p.m. [ __ ] it. We're going. We're going. And then you guys are like, "Well, it's fine. We're not going out there anyway.

1:52 Why is there so much construction? Stop building this place. It's done. It's done, dude. You don't even go to the places that are [ __ ] out there now. I walked into every store I walked into, it was [ __ ] me. I was 100% of the people in it. I go, "HELLO." This is a weird [ __ ] place, Omaha, though. For real. I walked into a coffee shop and there was a straightup book club. Like there were five white ladies that were just like, "So, let's start by I put on my headphones and it just it didn't even help, dude. I was still Let's start by white ladies will [ __ ] read books and then group, dude.

2:45 Form of all form the head [ __ ] What's up? Welcome." Uh oh. Were you late for your book club? So that's the uh dude. Hell yeah, man. [ __ ] yeah, dude. A lot of whites in Omaha. We're taking over. Remember when the guy played the song for so long? Dude, I know. It was only 5 minutes ago. How much time do I have left, dude? Um Omaha, man. We got Hawaiian. Is that a Hawaiian shirt, guys? Killing it, dude. A Hawaiian shirt and a [ __ ] carpel tunnel. What is that?

3:23 Yeah. Yeah. A carpel tunnel. Do you have a carpal tunnel? Yeah. For what? Musician.

3:28 Musician. What do you play? Guitar. Guitar. Okay. This is pretty straightforward.

3:34 Yeah. Yeah. Musician. Guitar. Okay. Cool. Good. It's like speed dating. What the [ __ ] Did you you choose me?

3:51 [ __ ] yeah. Carpool tunnel and a Hawaiian shirt. It's a crazy get up. You know what I mean? Just wear a long sleeve black shirt like this or something. This guy's like, "Nah, I still want to be on vacation. I don't give a [ __ ] This is Omaha. I'm out on a Sunday. You have to understand. I've never done this before." Yeah, my wrist hurts, but Crystal Leia is in town. Let's go, sweetie. Sweetie, unplug the guitar. Get my Hawaiian shirt. Let's go. Be careful because of the construction. Let's go. White people and all. How many times do I say that until this feels like a rally? You know what I mean?

4:45 Why? Cuz if I keep saying white people in that's not racist, you know, it's not. But if I keep doing it, people will be like, "Yeah, you know, and then then it kind of becomes a little racist, right, bro?" [ __ ] Hawaiian shirt with a [ __ ] on the virgin Omaha music scene. What kind of music you play? See, if you have that shirt, it looks like you play like your like children's music or something. What do you play?

5:18 Horror stuff. It's got horror stuff on it. Oh, okay. That's cool. What is it? Like uh like Oh. Oh, yeah. Freddy Krueger. And then the Saw guy. And then what's that one on there? Oh, Jason. Where the [ __ ] did you get this shirt, dude? It's like horror if it went on vacation, dude. Horror. Jason versus Freddy. Oh. He He's surf. He's still surfing slow. Jason,

5:49 how does he catch him? How does he catch those dolphins? The Saw guys drowning with his tricycle.

6:06 I want to play a game. Are you a horror fan and also beach living or what the [ __ ]

6:16 That's you. You got it for him. So you got him the [ __ ] you like? That's hilarious. Are you a horror person? He's like, "No, it's [ __ ] her." I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I just wear whatever. That's what That's the dream though, dude. To just have your chick dress you, you know what I mean? Just wake up and be like, "What am I wearing today?" Cuz you cuz you can pretend it's cuz you're the boss, you know? Even though it's cuz she's the boss and and she's like, "Yeah, I'm going to [ __ ] you're going to wear what I say." You can still wake up and in your head go like, "What am I wearing today, bitch?" You know what I mean? You could do that. I hope it's the hard vacation shirt.

6:53 [ __ ] get my carpal tunnel. What do you call that? I don't even know. You don't even know. You get that [ __ ] at CVS or what?

7:03 With the shirt. You got that winter shirt at [ __ ] what? Oh, you got OH, YOU HAVE CARPAL TUNNEL, TOO. OH, DUDE. WELL, you're in luck. You get a free horror Hawaii horror shirt. I hope you're like Jason and Chucky and [ __ ] the [ __ ] saw guy just building his contraptions out of sand.

7:30 I want to play a game. He's stuck. He's like, I can just get out of it. It's just sand in my butt. Really? Oh, there's sand in your butt. You choose sand in your butt or die. Oh, it's not really that. It's an easy choice. Choose play music or carpal tunnel syndrome or die. All right, I'm getting What the [ __ ] dude? I don't know. Who knew? You know what I mean? When I got to Omaha that this was going to be what I talked about when I first got here. Construction, horror movies, and [ __ ] Hawaiian [ __ ] dude. You got a whole ballroom over there. What the [ __ ] is that? That's Oh, you get drinks over there. All right. Well, that looks like a place in The Shining. You know what I mean? Where he sees himself in the picture and he's like, "I've been here before. That's [ __ ] that place, dude.

8:25 Put that on your shirt, man. Get Jack Nicholson on the shirt coming through the [ __ ] thing.

8:32 Yeah. Give a glow up to the last surfing. I don't know. That's not funny. But uh you know, you win some, you lose some. You know what I mean? I'm [ __ ] I mean, I'm all dude. Uh what's the matter? This is what you get, dude. No, I have a good set. It'll be good. It'll be fine. You guys see this is a good crowd, dude. I love that you're all white, dude. I love that you're all white. I love that you're all white. I love white people, man. God, man. So pure. No, I'm kidding. No, it's shitty. To say that is bad, right? To do that is totally racist.

9:07 I could be like, "It's great you're white." But if I say pure, then [ __ ] do it. No, we can't do that. I'll put it on TikTok. I'm sure it'll do well. Um, you know, it's not good to joke about it after the Sydney Sweeney thing, the big American Eagle Outfitters thing or whatever the [ __ ] the good jeans. Dude, I love how Sydney Sunni was like, "Yeah, cool. I'll do the commercial." And now everyone's like, "You're a [ __ ] Nazi." And she's just like, "What? It's hilarious." Like, she has no idea. There's no way, dude. There's no way. She's just like, "Wait, what's going on?" after the big She was just massaging her titties and then [ __ ] checked Twitter and was like, "Wait a minute. Everyone's against me. What the [ __ ] Better do a movie where I'm a boxer and I have a different haircut.

10:05 That's how you revamp your career. You just get a haircut, diet, and do a new [ __ ] movie." You know what I mean? You should get Sydney Sweeney in that movie on your shirt.

10:18 I want to play a game.

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The episode runs 10 min; the transcript is about 1,586 words in 22 timestamped sections.

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