Teaching Indian Man How To Tell a Better Story - Chris D'Elia in Amsterdam, Stand Up Comedy

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• David & Carina Frost — Person · 5 mentions

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 I don't know, man. Yeah, I do know. All right. I'm glad you're here, man. [ __ ] You give me so much confidence. You know, you know, I thought I didn't know. And then some random guy who's here obviously alone just looked at me and said, "No, you know." And that was when I realized I actually do know.

0:43 I like how you believe in me, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much. You must be very confident yourself. You know what?

0:52 What? I believe in you. Oh, wow. You believe in me? So, you you're saying you don't believe in yourself or what? I

1:01 believe in myself. You believe in yourself? More than I believe more than you believe in yourself. You believe in me, dude.

1:11 [ __ ] man. I do not want to let you down. I don't want to let you down. I can't let you down. I can't let you down.

1:25 I can't let you down. It's not possible if I just pissed and [ __ ] myself right now. You'd feel so proud. Not this not this who I know you are. That's what you'd say. Just [ __ ] piss leaking. Not this him. I know he can. I you know I can do anything I put my I can do anything I put my mind to is what you're saying. What do you do? What do you do? How do you get so confident?

1:56 I'm a skydiver. You're a scholar. I'm a skydiver. A skydiver. A professional skydiver?

2:10 Do you believe in him at all or no? No. He's saying no. So you How many planes you jumped out of?

2:18 96. 96. Uh, who pays you to [ __ ] jump out of place? Yeah. Here, [ __ ] get lost. I believe in you.

2:38 So far so good. Yeah. I mean, so far so good until you can't say that anymore and then no good anymore. We can't even say that cuz you're [ __ ] splatted. You know what I mean? Do you ever have any kind of scares?

2:53 Manny, quit. Quit, right? It's so scary. I don't know why I keep doing it. Uh, but you thought like your shoe wouldn't open or what? I've had

3:08 you've had many near-death experiences. How many? Four. Okay, hold on. I know, bro. I know. I know. I I I Look, I get it. I think it's crazy, too. Let me handle it. All right. My wife's backstage just like

3:41 All right. So, you've had four near-death experiences, all from skydiving or just all like fork in a toaster kind of [ __ ] too. I like to eat toast when I take a bath. And that was three of them. I really, really have a bad learning curve. Uh, and then one was my shoe didn't open. Yeah. Yeah, I brought my poster. So, okay. So, what? So, so all right, explain one of

4:14 you. Wow. Hold on. You ended up at a factory. Okay. Well, why why are you telling this story at the end first? Like it's a Quinton Tarantino movie or some [ __ ] Okay. So, I ended up at a factory. Rewind. I'm sitting at a diner. Okay. And The [ __ ] is he talking about?

4:39 All right. So, you you you Okay, so you ended up at a factory and then what? Many chimneys.

4:46 There were many chimneys. So, okay, just to set this up just a little better. You're you were you jumping out of a plane? Huge thing you have to say to start the story. Okay. You can't just be like, "All if you walked into a party and you were like, "Hey, gather around everyone." So, I ended up at a factory. Nobody will give a [ __ ] Okay, you got to start with, "Hey, I almost died jumping out of a plane." That will get their attention. Okay? And then you could talk about boring [ __ ] like factories and chimneys. All right.

5:37 Don't start with the factories and chimneys. Okay. So, you jumped out of a plane and you're you're you're you're going down and you're you're and you see a factory and the factory has a bunch of chimneys.

5:54 Okay. So, so there you go. So, you're flying out of a plane and you're going, "Oh my god, I'm usually I haven't been this dangerous since I've been eating toast in my bathtub." Right? And you're and you see this factory and there's and you go and you're scared, BUT YOU'RE NOT THAT SCARED, RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL counting chimneys. You know what I mean? You're not IF YOU WERE THAT SCARED, YOU WOULDN'T even notice chimneys. But you're like, "Wo, this is a little weird." Seven chimneys, though. Okay. So, and then what?

6:36 Uh, my plan was not to die. Your your plan was not to die. Then just stay on the ground, bro.

6:43 Okay. So, your plan is to not die. But in that, I found a pile of dust. You found Sorry. You found what?

6:52 Pile of dust. A pile of old dust. Gold dust. The [ __ ] is this guy saying? Cold

7:04 dust. Cold dust. Separate your [ __ ] consonants. Cold dust. JUST [ __ ] SAY COLD DUST. FOR [ __ ] SAKE. YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENT a blinking? [ __ ] godamn it, dude. Okay, so cold. So cold. But you're flying through the [ __ ] air bro. Who How Who you Robocop? How do you [ __ ] zone in? Cold dust. Chimney count. Seven. Cold dust.

8:06 All right. Put your phone down. We got it. We're going to get it on video. Put your phone down. Put your phone down. Okay. So, uh, so Okay. So, you're flying through the air. You see these chimneys. And then why now? Why did you start talking about cold cold dust?

8:19 I do not have any option. Okay. Okay. You said I do not have any other option but what are the junkyards?

8:32 There's a junkyard and you're but you're in the air. Did you land? What's that? I'm I'm here for

8:45 Yeah, I'm the [ __ ] here. I'm the one who's confused. Confusing. I know you lived, bro. I know you're here. At least I think you're here. I have no idea where you could be in your head. But I guess I guess what I'm trying to say is walk me through why why did you start talking about cold dust when you're you're flying through the air and go ahead take no story long. Yeah, I know it's long. It's long cuz I'm trying to make [ __ ] sense of it. That's why. Okay, so you're flying through there. Go ahead. worried [ __ ] off.

9:32 You were not worried [ __ ] off. I'm not worried [ __ ] off. I need a He's speaking English, but I still need a translator. I don't know what the [ __ ] [ __ ]

9:49 [ __ ] off. Oh. Oh. [ __ ] off. You're with someone with someone and then you you you say, "Ah, [ __ ] off." And then and then they go, "WHAT THE [ __ ] OH, there's too many chimneys down there.

10:13 You were not [ __ ] off. So, you had someone with you. People, it was like one of the bicycles that you guys have here. [ __ ] off.

10:31 All right. So, I started [ __ ] [ __ ] Got it. So, I started working on separating yourself from everyone.

10:43 Why Why are you calling it [ __ ] off, dude? That's so weird. Yeah, [ __ ] off. YEAH, I KNOW, MAN. If you don't [ __ ] off, you you stay with the person. You stay together and you both die in a [ __ ] inhaling cold dust in a factory hitting one of the chimneys. All right. So good at [ __ ] man. Is this a [ __ ] sexual story or what? I got so good at [ __ ] off.

11:27 Okay. Okay. So, you [ __ ] Okay. So, you [ __ ] off the person and then you went so far away. So, now you're by yourself.

11:39 You ended up at the factory. Yeah. Well, what about the landing part? You landed fine. So, so this is so this is not the the near-death experience isn't your parachute didn't open. It's you in this factory. Oh, I can't wait to hear what the [ __ ] happens in this goddamn factory. Dude, there were aliens in the factory. So, what happened in the factory? I didn't know where to land.

12:11 Just factories around Chimneys, junkyards. So, you're worried about where you're going to land. Got it.

12:23 [ __ ] So, where did you land? Did you go down the chimney like Santa and [ __ ]

12:40 You thought you could go into cold dust? Okay. Okay. The way you landed was not what

12:58 not what? Glorious. Glorious. Glorious. The [ __ ] you THINK THIS IS GLADIATOR? DUDE,

13:08 I did not learn glorious. DUDE, YOU JUST CALLED SEPARATING from someone [ __ ] off. YOU DON'T GET TO ALL OF A SUDDEN be [ __ ] you know, high and mighty with your word choice, [ __ ] You didn't land glorious

13:33 hard. Yeah. Yeah, I get it, bro. You don't have to do sign language. [ __ ] He's getting mad like this.

13:49 And Okay. And And then you almost died. I know you didn't die. YOU'RE TELLING A STORY BECAUSE YOU SAID IT'S NEAR DEATH. SO WHAT THE [ __ ] WAS SO CLOSE TO DEATH? The way you ungloriously hit the cold dust.

14:15 He's not that good, dude. That's what he said. You know what, dude? I'm not sure if you believe in yourself.

14:32 It's uh thou doth protest too much. Whatever the [ __ ] Wow. Well, I'm glad you're still I'm glad you're still with us, dude.

14:45 Your family's probably happy, right? Thank you. Your f Your family's happy you're alive.

15:01 That's very sweet. I mean, I had a whole I had a whole plan for the show, but uh this was nice. You know, it's nice because uh you you know, you never you know, I don't know. Jesus Christ.

15:19 What's your name? What? Oh, [ __ ] My name is No. No. My name is Chris. See, that would make sense. You're me in another universe. That would I'd be like, "Oh, okay. Yeah, I get it." But it that's not what it is. Your name is Frost. What is it? Frost.

15:38 A Frost. A Frost. Oh [ __ ] That was way easier than [ __ ] cold dust. You got kids.

15:51 You're the only kid you have, bro. You're a [ __ ] weird guy. You know that, right? Why do you talk like a wizard, bro? You just jump out of planes. I am the only kid I have. You [ __ ] jump. You just jump out of planes. You're not even that good at it, dude. You almost died four times out of 96. What's the percentage of [ __ ] What's the percentage?

16:18 WOW. WE GOT A [ __ ] DORK OVER HERE. 5% of the time you almost die. Dude, you got to quit. You got to quit, bro.

16:28 Nah. You got a death wish, huh? You think you think you're invincible, huh? No.

16:37 I don't think you're invincible. You just like Yeah. Live without You can't live without it. It makes you feel alive.

16:46 You just have to go for it. Yeah. Exactly. Does How, by the way, does what does this make you feel alive, too?

16:53 Yeah. In this infraction, bro. I think you mean interaction, right? Infraction. Jesus Christ. That's like [ __ ] you get What is that? Like a cop gives you a ticket or some [ __ ] It's an infraction. That was an infraction. Yeah, that's like you did something wrong. This infraction, you son of a [ __ ] Yeah, this infraction. What the [ __ ] Does this make you feel alive?

17:23 NO, I would rather die. Guys, there's more. It makes up for what? Is that right math?

17:50 50% of you jumping off the plane. Would you jump out a plane to get here? Does that happen?

17:55 Late for the show. What? Last week. Cool. All right. Cool. Uh, well, give a a fro a frost a round of applause for for being with us here, man. If he if he what?

18:17 Give me a round of app. No, it's okay. I'll get at the end. But you It's the thing. If he died, this show would have gone much different. You know, if a week ago he hit one of those chimneys, I'd be getting off stage right now. You know what I mean? I'd be like, "Hey, everybody, that was my closer. Good night." But I [ __ ] talked to this guy, the frogs. I feel like you're not even licensed to jump out a plane. He's talking about [ __ ] Boeing and [ __ ] He's just like taking a trip. Open the [ __ ] door. This is my 96th time.

19:05 I love you. Thank you, bro. Thank you. I'm trying to make it so you don't, but it's not working. This is like an abusive relationship. I keep dunking on you and you're just like, I love you. I'm [ __ ]

19:33 All right, bro. Well, he's a professional skydiver. It [ __ ] does. You doing on love, dude. You just [ __ ] jump out. Give me peanuts. Go. [ __ ] you. Uh, all right. Uh, let's get back into my my job. You know what I mean? Kind of was like I was free falling there for a little bit.

20:12 You're the only kid you have. Remember that. You're the I've got two kids. Um, you know,

20:27 I have more or have more. I should have more. Everything is weirdly sexual with you. You know what I mean? Do more [ __ ] that. You could say that. I [ __ ] off with the It makes me think you're [ __ ] flying through the air jacking off or some [ __ ] You You tried?

20:51 No, I don't believe you were jacking off in the [ __ ] air, dude. You did. Why?

21:01 Because you're sick of it. For the sake of it, I guess there's no law in the air, huh? [ __ ] it. What are the air cops going to get me? [ __ ] air cops. [ __ ] WE GOT ANOTHER ONE. FREEZE. PUT YOUR PENIS AWAY. A FROST. YES, IT'S AROST AGAIN. THIS IS THE 96TH TIME. [ __ ] PUT YOUR PENIS AWAY. AND YOU BETTER HURRY. I'M COUNTING SEVEN CHIMNEYS DOWN THERE. [ __ ] DICK. Just

21:56 don't pull the wrong cord. Air. Police freeze. It's like a new new [ __ ] Tom Cruz movie or some [ __ ] Air police starring Tom Cruz and Aro this June. [ __ ] off. That's the That's the tagline. Prepare to get [ __ ] off again. You thought the first time you were [ __ ] Air cops 2. THIS THIS DECEMBER. OH, [ __ ] ho ho ho. Down the chimney like Santa.

22:55 I love you. I know. [ __ ] off. I love you. No, not everybody wants me to know that's not true, dude. I'm trying to uh Yeah. All right. Well, okay. Did you plan on doing this when before you got here? No. You just

23:18 you what? Why would I? Why would you, bro? I I don't know, man. That's why I'm asking you.

23:28 I don't know why you do anything you've done. You are a vibe. I'm a vibe. I'm a vibe.

23:38 Is that what he's saying? Don't say that kind of [ __ ] I don't want to be a vibe, bro. Nah, don't use that [ __ ] kind of language with me. I'm not a vibe. What? I'm lit. I'm so nice. That's much better, dude. Don't [ __ ] call me a vibe, dude.

23:59 I'm kidding. It's fine. I'm just [ __ ] with you, dude. Did you call me a vibe,

24:08 bro? I have to go. It's your night. It's what? It's my night. How is your [ __ ] night now? You're going to go home and tell your no kids about this. You look in the mirror. Since I am the only kid I have, let me tell you about tonight. It says the end first. I went home.

24:40 I got to go. Thank you. Thank you very much. Appreciate you. Thank you.

Questions about this episode

What is mentioned in this Chris D'Elia episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including David & Carina Frost. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Teaching Indian Man How To Tell a Better Story - Chris D'Elia in Amsterdam, Stand Up Comedy"?

The episode runs 25 min; the transcript is about 2,969 words in 70 timestamped sections.

More from Chris D'Elia

• All analyzed episodes