Transcript

Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma

From Handsome Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 5 min · 11,474 words · 324 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma", an episode of Handsome Podcast published February 3, 2026 (1 h 5 min, about 11,474 words). It mentions 12 people, works and ideas, including Andrea Gibson, Tom Papa, Amy Burkeman, Khloe Kardashian, Star Trek.

What this episode is about

The content discusses the importance of being proactive in everyday situations, emphasizing the benefits of planning ahead, such as saving money on car insurance with All State and ensuring a timely pizza order. It also highlights the value of sustained change through consistent routines, particularly in relation to hair growth, promoting Neutrifall as a trusted supplement for achieving natural and lasting results.

Key takeaways

  • In a world of quick fixes, nurturing change from within can outlast any flashy gimmick—just ask Neutrifold.
  • Who knew that driving Kim Kardashian could be a hilarious icebreaker? Talk about a star-studded day on set!
  • Silly makeup banter aside, confidence on camera isn't about looking pretty—it's about finding the right vibe.
  • From pizza dough panic to car insurance savings, life's best lessons often come from the mundane—so check first!
  • In a broad comedy, sometimes the only direction you need is to 'go big'—rein it in later and enjoy the ride.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Khloe Kardashian, Neutrifold, All State, Star Trek
  2. – 20:00: All State, Blissy, Andrea Gibson, Amy Burkeman
  3. – 30:00: Khloe Kardashian
  4. – 50:00: Tom Papa, SiriusXM
  5. – 1:05:02: All State, Star Trek

Notable quotes from "Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma"

  • Checking All State First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart.
    about All State · at
  • Certified for sport and clinically tested to measure improvements in growth quality and strength. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just 3 to 6…
    about Neutrifold · at
  • She's really funny. I mean I watched I've watched her many times. I've watched her in Keeping Up with the Kardashians. She's very witty. They all are pretty witty. Pretty witty.
    about Khloe Kardashian · at
  • But it's been busy as well because I had to overlap my Star Trek premiered and then I think I told you Yeah.
    about Star Trek · at
  • And then when Andrea died, I was man, I got to make this right. And so I reached out to Amy and it just was a really good vibe and.
    about Andrea Gibson · at
  • Didn't realize a pillowcase could help with anti-aging and hydration until I tried Blissy. Now it's your turn. I'm telling you, you've got to try one of Blissy's life-changing silk pillowcases.
    about Blissy · at
  • Satisfied. That includes a 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. I've been getting better sleep with my Helix. It's the single biggest upgrade I've made to…
    about Helix · at
  • Today's question asker is one of my dear friends. He's a comedian, an actor, and radio host who co-host the Sirius XM show What a Joke with Papa and Fortune.
    about Tom Papa · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Andrea Gibson — Person · Referenced subject of documentary / personal connection · 1 mention · first at
    Tig discusses ongoing projects connected to Andrea and Andrea’s wife Meg; Andrea’s death is referenced as motivation for Tig’s current touring/fundraising collaboration plans.
  • Tom Papa — Person · Question asker / referenced collaborator · 1 mention · first at
    Introduced as Fortune Feimster’s SiriusXM co-host; he provides the episode’s listener-style prompt and later reveals his own story about stealing a mug and gifting it to his grandmother.
  • Amy Burkeman — Person · Referenced touring collaborator · 1 mention · first at
    Tig Notaro describes touring with her; highlighted for her speed-painting portraits to raise significant charity funds and for her cancer-survivor advocacy angle.
    Yeah. She's an ovarian cancer survivor.
  • Khloe Kardashian — Person · Referenced celebrity / scene partner · 4 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as a co-star Fortune drove in a truck for a filmed scene; used to illustrate Fortune’s current work life and on-set interactions.

Companies & orgs

  • SiriusXM — Company · Referenced company · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in the context of Fortune's radio show
    Today's question asker is one of my dear friends. He's a comedian, an actor, and radio host who co-host the Sirius XM show What a Joke with Papa and Fortune.

Places & events

  • Omaha — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as part of Tig's tour locations
    Yeah, I'm hitting the Fort Lauderdale's and the Omahas and what have you. so I'm just hitting those kind of shows for a while and going out for long weekends.

Media & podcasts

  • Star Trek — Media · Referenced work · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of Tig's work and premieres
  • Keeping Up with the Kardashians — Media · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in conversation about Kim Kardashian's wit
    She's really funny. I mean I watched I've watched her many times. I've watched her in Keeping Up with the Kardashians. She's very witty. They all are pretty witty. Pretty witty.

Sponsors

  • Neutrifold — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a dermatologist-recommended hair growth supplement
  • All State — Company · Sponsor · 6 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in ad reads promoting car insurance savings
  • Helix — Product · Sponsor · 4 mentions
    Promoted as a mattress that improves sleep quality
  • Blissy — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Advertised as a silk pillowcase with anti-aging properties

Full transcript with timestamps

This is a Headgum podcast. Checking All State First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you bought pizza dough for pizza night. Oh no. Now we're stuck waiting 90 minutes for the delivery order to arrive. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with All State. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. All State North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. At the start of every year, women are hit with the same message. New year, new you. But what if you didn't have to reinvent anything? What if real change was already happening quietly, naturally from within? That's exactly what Neutrifold believes. That real hair growth doesn't come from quick fixes or unrealistic timelines. It comes from building a routine that nourishes your

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Promo code handsome. That's neutrfull.com promo code handsome. Handsome friends on the handsome chatting with friends on the handsome.

Cheers. Cheers. Welcome to the handsome podcast. My name is Tigotaro and I'm sitting here with

um my name is May Martin, a fortune famester. Yeah. Looking really really like a pretty little lady is what you're Yes, you are. It's because I have on some makeup. Uhhuh. Your eyes are popping.

Are they? You guys. They were like, "Do you want to take your makeup off?" And I went, "No,

no, never." Doing handsome and I want to be handsome and I want to be pretty. Mhm. So, I have my I don't have any lip taint on at the moment,

but the eyes are still popping. I thought maybe you had invisible lip paint on.

Yeah, that No, just invisible mascara. Oh, okay. And so you started filming your uh movie today. Today was your

first day at work. First day at work. Everybody's really nice. And it's funny to go from like the golf show with Will.

It's a lot of um dudes. Yeah. Yeah. And a sporty world to like a lady a lady comedy.

A lady comedy. A lady comedy. So it's such a both great vibes but just very different.

Were you actually Pretty Little Lady? Pretty Little Lady vibes. Yeah, we today was the filming.

Oh my god, that's scary cuz you're like, are people going to like how I'm doing it?

I know. I was like, I don't know how because it's a big broad comedy and I was saying I I don't know how broad to go with my character. You like want to be funny but not like annoyingly over the top.

I say go big. Go big. Yeah. They can always reel me in, I guess. Yeah. But it was good. The I think everybody's got nice chemistry. We're feeling comfortable more comfortable around each other and getting to know each other. So

great. Yeah. I drove Kim Kardashian in a truck. I mean, what is your life? You drove Kim Kardashian in a truck.

Oh, in a scene. In a scene, right? Yes. In a scene. Okay. All right. Wow. Cuz if you're doing that in real life, then that's like what is your life? That's true. Yeah.

But were you um were you driving for real or were you was the car on the back of one of those?

Driving for real. Whoa. Yeah. Good thing it wasn't me. I'm still just impressed by driving period. I think that's

Well, I've driven uh when I did office Christmas party, I um did I it the car stood still uh sat there. I didn't drive it, but I did drive Jennifer Gardner in an ambulance. That was nerve-wracking.

They keep getting you to drive in these I know. The ambulance is big and it had all the camera people in the back of it. So, that was made me nervous. Uhhuh.

Well, fortune seems capable. That's why you throw her in, you know, to do the driving.

And then in Will's movie, you're cordally invited. I drove a speedboat. Yeah. You're always driving.

I didn't even I didn't even know how to drive a boat. I was going to say, I mean, that's my sweet spot. I know how to drive a boat.

Yeah. I had to recycle. Yeah. And they let me rip it too in the water. I remember

round around in circles like that. You're always driving ripping it. Beautiful women in cars.

Here's what did were you Did you park the boat? I'm trying to think. I I brought it up to the dock and then they they like kind of took it over from there. But yeah, I know with the throttle and stuff, you got to

push it back a little bit. Yeah, it's a it can be a little tricky. This is the butchest episode of our podcast yet. We're talking throttles and parking.

Talking throttles, baby. Um, when you were in the truck with Kim, um, did she smell good? Were you chatting between takes? What's the vibe?

Um, she's lovely. Really just been very nice, very professional, very collaborative. She's not being like, you know, us and her, you know, we're here and she's over there. Like, it's Yeah, she was. We chatted between takes and

uh she's got a good sense of humor so she was laughing about I was being silly and

she's really funny. I I mean I watched I've watched her many times. I've watched her in Keeping Up with the Kardashians. She's very witty. They all are pretty witty. Pretty witty.

Well, they have a lot of people around them. Well, she's had like a group of friends she's been friends with for since like kindergarten.

Yeah. Um, well, this is a long shoot. By the end of you're gonna be tight. You're gonna be gossiping with the gals just like you were on Will's show. Yeah.

And then because, you know, we uh had rehearsals the day after Nikki Glazer hosted the Golden Globes, so everyone just kind of went I had three weeks off between shows.

Yeah. So, uh I mean between filming the last show and this. So, it's been a shot like we're all been shot out of a cannon.

Yeah. Mhm. Busy times. Yeah. How are you, TG? What's going on? I haven't seen you in a while.

Um, I did a mini episode with Fortune, so we've been We were talking cheating on you. We were cheating on you.

I I started my um my period finally. Wow. Congrats, dude. Thank you. Oh my god.

I'm hoping to get 300 tampons delivered to my house. Yeah, because I do work in space

just for your next cycle. Yeah. Um I'm uh I started my the beginning of my um minor my my minor market tour. Um

minor market. Minor market tour. Is that what it you've called it or that's Well, yeah. I'm just I'm I'm just hitting the places that are not like Chicago, New York, that kind of stuff.

Right. You're hitting the smaller guys. Yeah, I'm hitting the Fort Lauderdale's and the Omahas and what have you. Um so I'm just hitting those kind of shows for a while and going out for long weekends. But um it's been busy as well because I had to overlap my Star Trek premiered and um and then I think I told you Yeah. that um the documentary is in contention for the Oscar nomination.

Yeah. Um, and so it's just been pure insanity. Like pure insanity like the events and um promotion and uh

smooing. Yeah. It's not really my scene. I'll be honest. Not really your vibe. No, but I, you know, I want to do everything I can for the movie, but it is it's a hard nomination to get because they typically, it's typically just like global documentaries that that that that make it to the nominations, you know,

like political situations and yeah, very political, very global um and uh but you know, we still have to had to give it all we had and um hope for the best. And even if not, we have um really friend projects that we're continuing to develop and work on around Andrea and Meg and with Meg, uh Andrea's wife. And so it's just this kind of fun creative bubble of people that really really connected

on a project and want to continue to work together because it was just it was so

it was just a yeah it was a really special experience that um we all feel very lucky that we all it all lined up the way it did. And uh on our Zoom today, I was talking about how because they announce tomorrow morning.

Oh, they do? Okay. I'm setting my I'm setting my alarm and I'm checking your You're going to get up at 5:00 a.m.

That's when it it's 5:30 in the morning where they read off the nominees. Um Oh my gosh.

Why do they do it that early? I don't know. I think it's for the East Coast Press like morning shows and stuff.

Yeah. But um just that's what I've been up to is uh I'm still filming Star Trek. It premiered, finished the promotion on um uh that dual crazy run of promotion and and doing my tour. Uh and I'm and I'm touring with

Amy uh Burkeman, who's an incredible speed artist and um our first Oh, yes, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. She's an ovarian cancer survivor. She paints a portrait within under 10 minutes and then we auction it off

at the show to raise money for charity. Wow. And yeah, we raised like $15,000 a show.

What? That's awesome. And 100% of the proceeds went to the charity. And God and we're very aligned on She's a vegan and um so we're doing cancer charities, animal charities, and environmental charities. And um

Awesome. It just feels it feels good. And it was my fantasy when Andrea was alive to tour with Andrea and Amy.

And uh and then when Andrea died, I was like, man, I got to make this right. And so I

reached out to Amy and it it just was a really good vibe and she's really talented. So it feels good. Feels really good. it. So, who's she doing the portraits of in the

Well, like we were in um Fort Lauderdale the first night and she did one of a manatee.

Yeah. And does the audience kind of weigh in on what they want? No, she she dances to music while she's painting frantically and the and the and the and the the um

the um canvas she flips it right side up at the end. She's painted upside down the whole time.

She flips it in the end and then you're like, "Oh my god, it's a manatee." Or you're like, "Oh my god, it's Andrea Gibson's face." You know,

that must be like something must work differently in her brain to be able to paint upside down like that. That's like a really That's cool.

Yeah. She she um she had very aggressive ovarian cancer and when she lived through it, she was like, "I'm going to devote my life to doing good with my art." So, and she's love that.

She Yeah, she's really incredible. So, that's what I've been doing. Yeah. What about you, May?

I've been working on my Fraia biopic. Got to um Yeah. Dance till you die. It's a three and a half hour biopic based on no factual information.

Don't die during the research. Okay. May What do you mean? Voucher fear. Well, you're writing the movie, you said.

Um, yeah. Yeah. I just, you know, you have to research for a film and Oh, yeah.

I don't want you to dance till you die. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you not know the story?

Oh, no. I know that there I know the bullet points and that's all I got. So, taking a lot of artistic license on her life.

Uh, no. I'm not actually doing that, but I would like to. Um, I am I Well, one thing I haven't talked about on the pod is I did this I think you guys will find this funny. I did a a show with Lisa Gilroy, friend of the pod at Largo, and the premise was that we surprise each other.

So, it's like we each have to plan two surprises. It's really anxietyinducing cuz you're like, am I going to go too far with a prank? Like, is is this funny? And last time, a year ago, I got the number of her or the phone number of her husband who I've only met once. Okay. and I secretly texted him and I took him to Universal Studios and we we went on all the rides and we did like a whole I did it was so good. So on stage with Lisa I said you know I I've only met Steve once but we do have a relationship and it's it's not sexual but it is romantic. And then I had this whole slideshow of us like spending the whole day together and she was flabbergasted and she went through this like whole range of emotions of like

that is so funny. Yeah. Like at first she I think was feeling protective of him like is he you know and then was like so touched that two people she loves independently hung out and

and then she's like and what did you guys do together? Yeah. Then she's like then she's like did you kiss? Like she got really anxious.

Did you kiss? Did you touch my love? Yeah. So then um I've been I I don't know how to I didn't know how to top that and I've been really nervous and I I kind of was drawing a blank and I was nervous for how she would kind of retaliate and um so she at the beginning of the show she's like my my surprises were pretty were pretty lame. There were I was I painted a portrait of her and I had Alena Johnston pretend to be Alanis Moriceette. But at the beginning of the show, Lisa's like, "Oh, I have this new necklace. I Yeah, my my admirer got it for me." And I was like, "Oh no, what is this going to be?" And she's like, "It's okay. I'll talk about it later." And then she kept being like, "Ah, God, I love this necklace my admirer gave me."

And then she starts playing a video. She and she goes, "Oh, baby, are you there?" It's on Zoom. My father appears in the video. She She has gone on to Instagram, DM'd my dad, and unbeknownst to me, they've filmed this whole sketch where hilarious.

She's like, "Did we get on Zoom?" I want to like just play you guys a little Is that your dad's given name is Baby?

Yeah, it's Baby Baby Chad. Baby Martin. Baby Martin. I think you're going to laugh at that because he's he really went for it. Like he is really goofy in it and um yeah, I went through the same

his acting debut on your show. Yeah, he was up for it. Um okay, guys, can we do a quick check in with my eye? Is it open?

Oh, let's see. Well, right now you're squinting. Is that on purpose? Well, I have trouble seeing, so I'm always squinting these days.

You got to do this. Do this. Definitely a little closed this one. Yeah. Yeah. Have you gotten it fixed yet?

No, I can't tell till March. Fortune. You can't tell. I mean, I did. Well, I was asking in case they got it fixed up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, "Yeah, I went I went and got it fixed." Yeah. Doesn't it look great?

It's working. Yeah. All right. Sorry, May. Go on. Okay. You ready? Yeah, we're ready. I think the audio will be funny, but I'm going to show the video and maybe I can post a little clip of the video if my dad agrees, but I'm going to show you guys. Okay, ready?

Okay, baby, you're late. I'm sorry, darling. I missed you, baby. I've missed you, too. My everything.

Well, I'm wearing the necklace you got me. It looks adorable. Oh, baby. Look, I know you're taking me to Paris next weekend.

Well, my baby loves her quas. Yum, yum, yum yum yum yum yum yum yum. Don't you're so cute, Lisa.

I love you so much, James. I would literally die for you. It goes on for a long time.

Oh my god. I would love What if your mom walked in? I was like, "What are you doing?

What are you doing?" Well, I mean, I I was freaking out. I don't know. It was so weird seeing my world.

I should have done it with your mom. That would be really No, my mom was She's so shy. She wouldn't Yeah, but

Okay. Hello, darling. Hello, darling. Lisa. Yeah. Hello, my darling. And then she showed me their email thread, her and my dad, and she'd been like, "Okay, James, I'll I'll send you a Zoom link." And he wrote "Okay baby."

Oh my god. And now they're having an affair. I was just saying, "Did you see any nudes in there?"

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it's the best. It was thrilling. So that's my that's my big news. Other than that, I just been driving around the town. I bought a new body wash, you know.

I know. I saw this I saw this car going down the road just slamming into cars and

light post. Yeah. just pinballing down the street. I was like, "Look at me." Yeah.

Look at May go. Are you getting more comfortable? Yeah. I love it. I'm way better now, guys. And I'm glad you didn't get in my car when I first got it

cuz So are we. I have no plans to ever get in a car with you. I will at some point, but I need to practice.

Look, Kim Kardashian around. I got to drive you guys. I've been driving since I was 12. Oh my god. Why'd you wait so late? I was like smoking and driving

since I was born. I had my first make out in my car. Yeah, cuz I've always been the passenger princess.

I think I know who you married. Who am I going to? Who was it? Nobody. Was it you?

Yeah, it was me. Yeah, it was. Wait, why would you know who? What is happening? Two against one. I don't like it. Well, when when we filmed our minode off mic offic I was updating Fortune on my various

Okay, we'll bleep it out. Who was it? Well, I'm scared. I know. May I scared? Was it your dad?

May's scared it would somehow get in here. Yeah, we'll tell you at the end of the pod.

Oh my god. I Cuz we can't accidentally let it slip through. Yeah. But you let us more set. Yeah, imagine.

Oh, that would be amazing. But it felt good cuz usually I'm the passenger and someone's dropping me off and then

I'm not listening to anything now. All right. Okay. Okay. I don't I don't care about anything unless I have this information.

Okay. Well, should we for Thomas? You're We're bleeping this. Okay. And you're definitely bleeping it.

I promise to bleep it. I mean, not even bleeping it. Like take the whole chunk.

Who the hell is this? Well, and all of this is staying in until this. Okay. Oh my god.

Who the hell is that? Yeah. Who the hell is this? Well, it it wasn't who you think it is, actually. Fortunate, but I it was

Oh, that's not exciting to you. That's not thrilling. No, you're not into her. Yeah.

No, I'm not. No, it's nothing against I'm like great, whatever. I thought you were giving me like scandalous information.

Oh, no, it's not scandal. It's just like though. Yeah. Okay, cut that whole chunk out.

Well, some of it keep in some of the teasing. Okay. Yeah, but you can listen you can listen to the edit

all the teasing and then also keep in my disappointment. No. Okay, we'll come back. It was like, who was your first kiss that cannot go anywhere?

Oh my god, that was a bit of a bust. Tig's not Tig's not impressed. No, there was Well, there was more to the story, but anyway. Oh my god.

We thought it was juicy gossip. Me and Fortuny I Yeah, I thought it was some hot gossip. But

yeah, Tig is unimpressed. Well, takes like Yeah, of course that that person would make out with you.

Uh, yeah. And but like I thought if this was someone your first kiss and like who they must be now that you're so protective.

Wait, my first you with this person. Oh, for Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, who would have

I think T misinterpreted it thinking that it was something scandalous. It was not scandalous. It was just

Okay. So who who would have got like the biggest reaction for you that you would have been like what?

I guess someone like married and famous. Is that Justin Trudeau famous? Tig wanted a scandal. Okay. No scandal.

You know me girl, I always want a scandal. Oh, you love a scandal. I love a scandal.

Yeah, you do. Yeah. I don't know who would be exciting for you to make out with. Well, an Angelina Jelly would you have such a crush on her that

that's always the answer, right? That would be pretty exciting. I mean, it would be crazy.

Anyone that kisses her, it's like that's that's like a big deal. It's a big deal in in their life forever. And I don't And if they're if they say it's not, they're lying. Like anyone who just like at a party

kiss her, but I want you to kiss her. Why don't you want to kiss her? Yeah, I'm more I'm more of a Jen Anist gal. I think you have to be on one team or the other, right? Still or No.

Well, like removing any teams, it's like you're at a party. Angelina's coming in for the smooch. And are you like are you like I'm a Jen.

I have cheese in my pocket. My pocket. I have cheese in my mouth. I'm pointing at my mouth. Same pocket. Cheese in my pocket.

Oh, that's how nervous you would be if Angelina was coming in. I have cheese in my pocket.

I have check. I have cheese in my pocket. I have cheese in my pocket. Oh my god. That is now

the the let down line. That is what you say when you turn someone down and you give them no information.

Point your mouth and say, "I have cheese in my pocket. Cheese in my pocket." And then walk away. I got cheese in my pocket.

Oh my gosh. I'm sorry to I hope I let her down easy. Well, you did. You told her you had cheese in your pocket.

She's walking away in my pocket. Oh my god. She's walking away confused. And she's like, I don't want to kiss her now anyway.

Yeah. What she would say. Don't ever let me forget. I have cheese in my pocket. But we will forget from Els.

We forget everything we say on this podcast. I know. People come up like, "Hey, speedboat through the desert." And we're like, "Wait, what happened?"

We only remember if it becomes a merch. I don't know. If someone else tell Okay, I just wrote it down. I have cheese in my pocket. It's the

Thomas, will you put that on the list just so we remember? Do not turn down Angelina with that line.

Turn down anybody with that line. Cheese in my pocket. You have to point to your mouth though.

I have cheese in my pocket. In my pocket. Oh my god, I love it so much. And please sneak that in when it makes sense in any possible moment when you have to like if I say, "Do you want to go get coffee?" and say, "I have cheese."

Now, are you making out with her if she comes up to you at the cheese table? I have cheese in my pocket.

You're eating vegan cheese? Yeah. I'm Well, yeah. And I'm I'm married. So, yeah, but in a scenario where you're not and you're at the party.

Yeah. No, I'm not I'm not a party kisser. Yeah, I know what you mean. What? That's the other excuse. I'm not a party. I can't believe both of you were saying you were rejecting Angelina Jolie. This is such garbage.

Here's the thing is I'm pretty sure she would reject us. Rejecting us. I know. 000%.

She's got way more cheese in her pocket, by the way, in these scenarios. We're just letting her down before she lets us down. That's how it works psychologically.

Okay. What if you're out and um you're introduced to her and you're chatting and getting along and then uh and you're like, "Oh my god, Angelina is so nice." And then at the end of the conversation as she walks away, she goes, "By the way, I have cheese in my pocket." And you realize that she listened to the pie. Listen, I feel like fools

be more. And would you kiss her a fortune for listening to the podcast? I would kiss her hand.

I would kiss everyone who listens to the podcast. Well, speak for yourself. I would do the TIG kiss. Kiss my own hand.

What if we were at a party? Mhm. Totally eating chips and cackling. I like this. Yeah. You turn and

totally see me in a corner just making out with some girl. I Wait, this is a scenario where you're not married, right?

Oh, whatever scen whatever you're and you're suddenly a party kisser. I'm I was suddenly a That's March right there. Party kisser.

I would be screaming. Party kisser. And you walk in the door. That is a fun shirt. Oh my god, we have more shirts. We need a party.

So many shirts. We need to open a store. Yeah, party kisser is good. That's really good. I feel like a lot of people would wear that for sure.

If you were making out of a party, that would be wild. Fortunately, I would. You don't even like to touch people. I've had so many people come through my meet and greet lines going, "May's coming here in, you know, whatever month I'm going there." And then whenever Tig comes. But we know she she's not going to do meet and greets cuz she doesn't like to touch anybody.

She won't touch us. We don't want to meet anyone we can't touch. Now is it merch for also I got cheese in my pocket.

I don't know. We'll have to see how our listeners take to it. Okay. You have one shirt like on the front party kisser. And then on the back it says I got cheese in my pocket.

Cheese in my pocket. I like that. or a little like um like a stick and you can do either either one. So if you're at a party and someone's propositioning you, you can either hold up I have cheese in my pocket or a party kiss.

Yeah, we're just spitballing here. We should probably um spitball our merch another time.

I one time had a party and uh afterwards my I said to my friend, "Uh, did you have fun tonight?" And he goes, "Yeah, I uh I made out with and then he said this person,

Angelina Jolene." Yeah, I I made out with so and so in the bathroom and I went, "Me, too." And this woman had had made out with both.

She's a party kisser. Did she have on the shirt? She She was such a party kisser. Yeah. And I really I really respected it.

I do enjoy hearing about a party kisser who is just kissing kissing everybody. Oh my god. Ma, male and female, and they pretty little ladies and everything. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you not Are you a party kisser, Fortune? I know May is. No. Yeah. Yeah.

And yeah, May's definitely a That's how why May used to throw parties was to be a party kisser.

Yeah. No. Thomas, are you a party kisser? Back in the day, I was, but not anymore.

Yeah. No one was kissing me at parties because I was by the cheese table. So I didn't even Yeah. I wasn't be being very open to that. Uhhuh.

Yeah. You were send you were sending off too into the cheese. I have a really lavish cuderie board.

Yeah, we know. Yeah. You know why? Cuz it has the word cter in it. That is exactly why.

That's so funny. Guys, how is it that we do it every single week? We deliver the goods every time on time. You and Stephanie never made out at a party.

Um, in the early days it would be like I mean our first kiss was in public at La Pubel in Hollywood.

Wow. bell. That sounds sexy. That was when our photo was cap, you know, our first kiss was captured in a picture.

No, I don't think I really I don't think I realized that wasn't a picture. Yeah.

Wait, so like a paparazzi picture? No. The PS getting you? Yeah. They're like, "Oh my god, here's two unknowns. Let's grab this." Um,

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Mhm. And then um she it was the first time it was like 6 months into texting that she was like um oh, I'm out with my friends. Do you want to come join us? And I was like, "Oh, sure." And then I was like, "Oh my god, I've been writing my book all day. I haven't showered." And then I was like, "Oh, she doesn't date women. It doesn't matter what I look like." So I just went down there all filthy. And I had this big Canadian wool sweater on with an eagle on the back. And I walk into La Pubell and she's sitting at this huge table with friends. They had just done improv next door at UCB.

And she was wearing a huge Canadian sweater with an eagle and hers was dark blue. Mine was mine was off-white and we were like this is insane. And so we switch sweaters and do you know Armen Whitesman?

No. Oh. Anyway, he's part of that whole UCB world of long ago. And he was like, "Oh my gosh, you two get together. I'll take your picture." And as soon as we touched each other, we started making out.

Oh my god. As in like as a joke. No. No. Like we were we Yeah. and we immediately started kissing and our first kiss is captured. And then we went to my car and made out all night. And then the next day is when she wrote me the 50,000 page email saying, "I'm not gay. I can't date you." And then I wrote, "Okay, Dyke." And then the rest is

Oh my gosh. Wait, but wait. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, so you started kissing in front of your friends, in front of the person,

in front of her friends. Oh my god. And I wonder if before you arrived that night if Stephanie had said to them like, "I don't know if I have a crush on this person."

No. No. She's not that kind of person. Did one go in for the kiss first or we both? Wow.

And we are not those types of people. And we were just immediately They're called party kissers.

Uh we did not have any cheese in our pockets. So that's that's pretty sexy. That's hot.

Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't like you were doing a bit for the photo and then it got

Oh my god. There was no bit. I was like full-blown crush on this person. Here, let me show you the Can I show you the

the picture of our very first kiss? It's so insane. I can't even believe that um we have this.

That is pretty That is pretty crazy. It's so crazy. Okay, prepare yourselves. And here it comes. Oh my go you had that is for a minute I wasn't sure which one you were and I that you've never looked more

crane you've never looked more Tom Cruz there's something very Tom Cruz about the hair

that is very romantic okay are you ready this is the final thing to blow your mind

okay blow your cooters and pooters off I actually don't want to say that at all.

Okay. And you and you both Wait. Yeah. Is that a saying? It is now. Put on the merch list.

Throw it on the list. Oh my. We need to start Yeah. We need to start a new list of We're going to blow your pters and cooters. Oh my god. What is this episode?

I don't know. What are we doing with our time? My family is at basketball practice and they have dinner and this is what I'm doing to uh make a living. But um so when I tell you this final part, you're going to go, "Oh, come on. You knew." She knew. No.

Okay. I was just back in town. I had been in New York. I'd been touring. I was back in town. And because I was in town, she said, "Come meet me. Come." Not, she didn't say, "Come meet me." She was like, "Hey, I'm out with friends at La Pubel and we're hanging out. Come meet us. It was Valentine's Day.

No. Cute. So cute. Our uh anniversary is Valentine's Day. She was looking for the smooch.

No, she wasn't. She was She didn't realize it, but deep down she was looking for a smooch.

She's not a bar kisser. But on Valentine's that night, after months of texting you, she wanted a smooch.

Yeah, she got it. And she sure did. I have a really specific question, but and now I lie down next to her with a

CPAT machine CPAT machine on. But anyway, go ahead. So, in your friendship before then, had you ever had any um prolonged eye contact with a little twinkle in your eye because that's my favorite thing. No, I think more than anything, anytime we went out to eat, we would um just have so much fun, talk forever, laugh, stay at the restaurant till for like three or four hours, then we'd go out into the parking lot, the sun would come up, that kind of we and I would leave going, "Oh my god, I think I have a crush on her."

Oh yeah. Um that's a lot. But I did I didn't think she did. So, I just went about my life

and party kissed other people. Yeah. Until she married me. Well, you got to party kiss until she's ready to only party kiss you.

Yeah. Yep. That's where we are. She did. Yeah. And look at you now. And now you're rejecting Angelina

cuz you got cheese. Full of yourself. I got a pocket full of cheese. That was a fun treat. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for listening. I'm happy to always tell the story. And yes, May, we should get to our question.

Yeah, let's do it. Today's question asker is uh one of my dear friends. He's a comedian, an actor, and radio host who co-host the Sirius XM show What a Joke with Papa and Fortune. That's right. He's my radio co-host. His latest standup special, Home Free, is available to watch on Netflix. Tom Papa is asking today's question.

Hey, handsome. Handsome. It's me, Tom Papa, your friend. Friend to all of you. Wish I could see your faces right now, but all I see is my face. I have a question for you. Uh, have you ever at any point in your life, at any age, stolen something and then given that as a gift to someone else and you never told them that you stole it?

Oo. Have you ever stolen something? I don't know what your motivation is. I don't know what what the situation is, but you needed a gift and you stole something and then you gave it to them and then you never you never told them that it was stolen and they just enjoyed it and have it and hold it and you never said

that's the end. I love Tom. What a nice energy he has as a person. Yeah. How did you guys start working together at Fortune?

Um, I had met him through Aaron Foley, very funny comic here uh in LA who was been dear friends with Tom forever and um and then he Netflix wanted us uh wanted him to do a radio show and he was like, "You want to do this with me?" And I didn't really know him, but I was like, "Yeah, let's do it." And so we're in our sixth year together.

Wow. Doing this radio show. So, it's every Monday through Thursday, 2 hours a day.

Good lord. I know. It's a lot of chatting. A lot of chatting. Wow. On channel 93 on SiriusXM if anybody wants to check it out. Um,

and does Ginger still listen? Yeah, she still listens. That's so nice. Yeah, she loves Tom. And he um is a bread baker as well. I didn't mention that in his bio, but he's a fantastic bread maker.

Really? Yeah. He even just came out with his own line of bread baking products that have been doing really well for Nambbe.

Wow. I'm trying to think of a pun on Papa somehow. Papa, breaking bread with Papa says podcast.

Oh, nice. Um, okay. Stealing. Stolen anything? Well, I can tell you I I never stole again after my mom caught me when I was five stealing a piece of gum

and she made me go back in and be like, "I'm so sorry I stole that gum. I never do it again."

Um, and were they nice about it in the store or they said, "Yeah, you Yeah, they were nice about it, but you know, she wanted me to learn my lesson and I did." Uh, so that I didn't steal this, but I definitely was um uh trying to take credit for something. I was riding my bike around the neighborhood um when I was in elementary school and somebody had thrown out a bunch of stuff on the side of the road and um one of the things they threw out was like um crocheted like you know bless his home or whatever kind of thing and I was like oh my mom's birthday's coming up. No way.

And it even had like a little like, you know, it had gotten some dings being in the trash. And I was just like,

"Bless this heart. Bless this home. Is this is going to be a pretty sweet birthday present." So, I took it from out of the trash and gave it to my mom. And I'm sure she was like, "Thanks." Cuz you could tell that was used

little like and abused. Did you give it a wash or no? Just no. I Excellent question, May. Excellent question.

I did not give it a wash. I was just like this is Here you go. Enjoy this. Yeah. I never and I never asked her about that. I should ask her if she ever, you know, knew.

Well, did you see it around the house or did it go back in the trash? I think it went right back in the trash.

Yeah. But I got credit for giving her a present. I wonder if some other kid found it in your trash and was like, "Bless his home. My mom's gonna love this."

The traveling knitted or crocheted bless his home. Yeah. Things have Oh, I have a similar one to that that someone made me. Hold on one second.

Oh, off she goes. Yeah, there she goes. Put that. Huh? Oh, it's right there. What does that say?

A handsome listener crochet. Is this crochet fortune? Nice. It's backwards, but it looked just like this. It was a circle.

No, that's not backwards for us. It's not backwards. Oh, for me it is. But a handsome listener made me this. And but this is what the bless this home looked like. It was one of these circle things.

Oh, Thomas said it's cross stitch. Whatever. What do we say? What are we calling a

nerd? Unfortunately said crochet. I said crochet. I don't know. Cross stitch. Are you calling Thomas a nerd?

Not Thomas just knowing anything about anything. Is crossstitch like you put it on your wall? It's It's just It's not like a tea cozy or like a coaster or something.

Yeah, this is just like a So, wait, where do you have it hanging on your wall? I have it on my shelf. Um when I decorate my home.

Yeah, this office. I hope to eventually have a bunch of like a shelf or something in here

where I can put fun trinkets on it. Someone also gave me an elf um a stuffed elf thing. Someone gave me a cro This was crocheted an owl a crocheted Hooters's owl.

How do you know it was crocheted? I don't. Yeah, I knew that. I don't know. And also dream big. Look at you hoping one day you'll have a shelf.

I know. When I have a shelf day, I put my fortune on a shelf. On a shelf. So yeah, not stolen, but I feel like that's adjacent.

Oh my god. Then during Christmas, you can have Alf on a shelf. Oh god, that's good.

I love that. That's strong. I still got it. On a shelf. Still got it. Alf on a shelf.

That's pretty funny. It's good. It's really good. I got to be honest. We might have to at our next Holly Bobs. We might have to do that.

Yeah. Elf on a shelf. And it also might be merch where we can get an elf. We can get an elf put in a Santa suit or an elf suit.

Tig, have you ever regifted something or like Yeah. or picked it out of the trash? I was I mean um I was at a some sort of industry like um entertainment party long ago. Uh and I was there with a comedian that has since gotten into trouble and um not discussed much anymore. Anyway, we were we were at this party having a ridiculous time and then he He dared me to go up to the bar and just like not hide, just walk up because they had all of the alcohol out.

And he he wanted like a bottle of scotch or something. And he was like, "Will you just casually walk up and just grab that bottle and then bring it over to me?" And I was like, "Sure."

Oh my god. I went over and uh nobody saw me and I just picked it up, walked over and handed it to him. And we had a good laugh. Um,

this you love a dare. I want to You want to You want to see what you can make Tig do.

I want to see what we can Yeah. what we can get. Well, there has to be, you know, it's like a certain thing where like if I got caught, I wouldn't be scared to get caught because

it's so ridicul. like the jug of whiskey or whatever I took was like it it and and the fact that I didn't run off like that I the dare was go up and just casually pick that up and like just bring it over to me and so I guess that's stealing and giving something as a present.

Yeah, that's exactly what that is. Exactly it. Yes. Yeah. He gifted it to himself.

That's right. And probably drank it all. Uh-huh. Yeah. He probably did that night.

Yeah. Right. Then that was a good one. What about you, May? I can't think of I can't think of a time I've stolen and gifted, but I have had a gift given to me that I later found out was stolen

by in in grade seven. Ian Peach, he infamous. I was so excited because he came after school and it was snowing and he gave me this necklace and he said specifically that it was from Tiffany's grade seven 13-year-old right but I'm like he's his you know he's his family's loaded like he lived in this nice area so I'm like maybe he went to Tiffany's and got me a I told everyone

I never have known what Tiffany's was in seventh grade I told everyone in my class

I I was so like I was just so deeply moved by it And then the next time I was with him and all of his friends were there, I was like, "Ian got me this." And like, and I was bragging about it and they all started laughing

and they said he stole it from the mall from a little stand like one of those crappy little carts. Yeah.

No, it wasn't from Tiffany's. No. And he stole it. Yeah. That God. And I mean, if you could have seen the necklace, it was clearly not Tiffany. Yeah. It was

there was like a diamond missing. Yeah. One time I was at the Grove here in Los Angeles and I it was right when the Grove opened and some friends and it was like oh my gosh the Grove and these friends of mine were eating. But I mean it was like oh my gosh the Grove is finally open and and um this group of friends of mine were eating at a restaurant there and uh and they just told me the name of the restaurant. And I had never been at the Grove. Like I said, it just opened. So I was running around in a panic. I was a little late for dinner. And um and I there's this woman working at like a sunglasses cart or something at the Grove. And I and I just said, "Excuse me, do you know where whatever restaurant is?" And she was so rude to me. And she goes, "No, I don't hang out at the Grove."

And I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. But you work at a cart at the Grove. Like, I don't understand where the snobbery is. But it was it made me laugh so hard because I did. I felt like a loser.

I don't hang out at the Grove. Sorry. I don't hang out at the Grove. I don't know where that is.

Uh I hang out at the Grove sometimes. I go to the Cheesecake Factory. We know you do, girl.

You know it. Adam's Peanut Butter Fudge Cheesecake. Yeah. Anyway, I just uh I always really I think about that woman every time I see one of those carts. Like she just made me feel like the biggest loser that I had lunch plans. Oh crap.

It's so funny how like one interaction with the stranger and one sentence they said you'll it'll stay with you your whole life. Like you you'll think about her Yeah. once a month or something.

But I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. It's like when I when I saw that woman running for the subway and she she just about made it on and she sort of bumped into this other woman and then and then the woman goes

Jesus. I've thought about it every day. Jesus Jesus. Yeah. I feel like that to have asked this question. Yeah. That Tom must have had something on the top of his dome.

I know what he thief. Tom's a thief. That's what we're going to find out. Mhm. Oh, I did find a a ring once that um

Do you put quotes around find? Yeah, I found it. And uh it clearly was like costume jewelry.

Uhhuh. But I was like, my mom's ne never going to know that this is not real. These trash gifts.

And I gave my mom another trash gift. I was like, man, I'm a great daughter. Look at all these gifts I'm giving my mom.

Doesn't Lapu Bell mean the garbage? Does it? Yes. Thomas, did I have a garbage make out? Lubell means garbage.

I thought it meant the cooter. No. Gosh. And we're at L. Pooell sounds like a vagina.

Yeah. Poo bell fortune. Are you talking to me? I'm going to blow your cooters and poo bells off. Are you talking to me?

How on earth is that what you've come up with? I wouldn't have even come up with garbage.

Pooh bell doesn't sound like a vagina. No. No. Okay. How does that sound like one?

Like a poose poose. Fridge. It's fridge. Jesus. Clearly, you guys don't speak the language of love.

Clearly, I would like to touch Lapu. I'm glad I was right about that. But we've had a we've had a garbage theme then. Trash gifts. Lapu Bell.

Garbage vagina. But imagine if someone um jeez in your pocket. If someone um found your dumpster tits and tried to regift them.

Oh yeah. Do you think someone to repurpose your dumpster tit? Yeah. A couple of rodents. Drag them o over to the house. Do these look familiar? There's those little nips.

Or you see a rat with massive tits. Oh, good times. Everything about this episode made complete sense.

Wait, has Tom told us? No. Okay. Okay. Hit us, Tom. Well, my answer is no. Of course, I never steal. I'm not a monster. You

set us up. Yeah, I stole uh and now I'm lying. So now I'm not only a lying monster, I'm a a stealing monster and a lying mon. Uh I was little. I was small and I was uh I needed a gift for my grandmother

and my friend and I went down to town on our bikes and we went into a gift shop and I was looking around and I was like,

"Ooh, that little that little cup looks looks quaint and that looks grandmothery."

And the guy the shopkeeper was kind of following us around. We were probably 10 and maybe 11. And we were looking around and then uh I saw this cup and the the owner was like he knew we were up to no good cuz kids don't have money. Why are you in a gift shop? And uh I found I I my friend distracted him and I stuck it in my shirt and I stole it.

Wow. Yeah. And uh got on my bike and went home and then I gave it to my grandmother. I gave it to my grandmother and it's she liked it. It was just a little thing. She liked it and uh put it up on her shelf on her little grandma, you know, like little one of those little corner shelf grandma looking things

with things and that little mug sat on that shelf and I would come over and visit even like later like in college and stuff and it was always there and she would always point it out and I would just sit there and think I stole that. I just stole goods. But it made her happy.

Yeah. So, was I wrong? I don't know. That's a whole another question. Oh my gosh.

And guess what? This is it. That's the mug. Oh my god. Did uh It was worth it. He stole it from his grandma.

But I still have it. Wow. How much could it even have cost? I'm a monster. Mhm. He is. He's a terrible person.

Yeah. But it actually reminded me of another I I did I l in a similar story like I did I stole something. I'm just remembering and gave it to my friend. There was a pet store that I used to go into to look at animals just to like, you know, just to see the cute little things.

Oh, when you said that, I could just smell it. I could smell the sawdust and the aquariums and the

poop and Yeah. I see this little kitten in a cage. Oh no, guys. Oh, wait. You stole a kitten.

I opened the cage, put the kitten in my shirt, got on my bike, and rode over to my friend's house.

Oh, and gave her the kitten. Yeah. And it was the same color as her bedspread. And she named her kitten bedspread.

And she kept it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. Bedspread lucked out. Wow. You stole a whole ass kitten. Well, it was just it was in a cage and it was just a little poof ball. Like imagine if you saw I didn't, you know, I couldn't I I knew I couldn't bring this kitten home. I don't know why I decided Kristen's mother would let her have it, but I was right. And then uh Bedspread's name became shortened to BS.

Yeah. You stole an entire creature. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in my my shirt and just Kitty City. Yeah. Well, look at you. Everybody's

I'm a monster, too. I'm a monster. I've called the police on all of you. All right. Well,

I just took stuff out of the trash. That's true. I'm just trash. I called Oscar the grouch.

But you took something at a store. Gum. I did when I was five. Well, let me just to clarify to clarify. I have stolen things. I just haven't gifted them.

Your what? My boob was itching. Sorry, Fortune Marie. Okay, go to YouTube. I don't mean to rub that in your face.

Your boob. Please don't go to YouTube. Fortune just is I'm not scratching it now.

Okay, but you can rewind it. Okay. Or whatever you do. You go back for you. Go to YouTube. You can see Fortune scratching her

my dumpster hit. Her dumpster. Oh, you guys. Look at us. Look at us doing it again.

Look at us. Yes. Yes. I have a snow globe here. We're trying to wrap up the episode. Fortunately,

showing you what I got. All right. Well, um I'll tell you what I got. What do you got?

I am going to be in um Tucson on February 26th. Santa Fe, uh, February 27th. Ventura, California, February 28th. Um, it just goes on and on and on. Largo, March 6. Go to tignotaro.com and, uh, all show information will be on there. And sometimes dates do change. So, apologies. And that's usually due to Star Trek shifting shooting dates. So, my deep apologies if that does happen.

That just happened with me. I had to reschedu. Yeah. And I deeply apologize for that as well.

Yes. Yes. I would love people to spend Valentine's Day with me if they live in New York City.

If you're a bar kisser kisser, come to the show February 14th at the Beacon Theater. Um that's my big show coming up.

And then I'll have San Diego in early March. All the rescheduled dates are on my website. They have new dates in the spring and into early summer. Um, I'm coming to a lot of fun places, so check it out.

I am. My Well, it's it's coming. My tour is happening so soon. I'm starting is in Oklahoma City February 26th and then Houston on February 27th and Dallas on February 28th, then New Orleans March 1st, and go to mayartin.net for all the rest of the shows. There's I'm going to 37 cities. A lot of them are selling out, which I'm so grateful. Um, but some of them are not. So, come to those ones, please. And I love everyone. Thank you.

A subscribe to YouTube, share your favorite episodes like this one with a friend, and uh help build the handsome community. And get your merch. Uh you can get your own peanut butter [ __ ] shirt, your own fra

shirt, Fortune Marie shirt, and uh if you keep getting them, we'll keep making all these crazy ass shirts.

Ain't it fra? I don't know. You don't know. Whatever. Dance till you die. Dance till you die. Fouch or frowny.

Until next time. Keep it handsome. Checking All State first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that your chess board has all 32 pieces. Girl, you'll never get checkmate without coming prepared. Checkers just isn't scratching my board game itch. Yeah, check in first is smart. So check All State first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with All State. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. All State North American Insurance Company and affiliates Northbrook Illinois.

That was a Headgum podcast.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma"?

Tig Notaro (Guest), Fortune Feimster (Host), May Martin (Host), Tom Papa (Guest).

What is "Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma" about?

The content discusses the importance of being proactive in everyday situations, emphasizing the benefits of planning ahead, such as saving money on car insurance with All State and ensuring a timely pizza order. It also highlights the value of sustained change through consistent routines, particularly in relation to hair growth, promoting Neutrifall as a trusted supplement for achieving natural…

What is mentioned in this Handsome Podcast episode?

12 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Andrea Gibson, Tom Papa, Amy Burkeman, Khloe Kardashian, Star Trek, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Tom Papa stole a gift for his Grandma"?

The episode runs 1 h 5 min; the transcript is about 11,474 words in 324 timestamped sections.

More from Handsome Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 3, 2026.