Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)

Who speaks in this episode?

• Doug Benson (Guest)

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 10:00: Doug Benson, Playing House
2. 20:00 – 30:00: Valyrian and Laureline
3. 1:10:00 – 1:13:26: Playing House, Big Mouth

Notable quotes from "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)"

• One. She has been on the show in the past. She has talked about films like Pluto Nash. She is the star of one of the most hilariously funny shows on TV. It's called Playing House. Please welcome JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

  about Playing House · at 4:10

• Amazing comedy specials, his own podcast, Doug Loves Movies, AND FROM OUR EPISODES HERE OF TWILIGHT, DOUG BENSON.

  about Doug Benson · at 7:47

• Did she have a name? What was Oh, the name's Laurelene. And the graphic novel that it's based on, this is a classic example of Hollywood sexism or French sexism. The book it's based on is called Valyrian and.

  about Valyrian and Laureline · at 25:07

• And I would also like to plug something that I am not even remotely involved in, but it is The Marvelous Mrs. Masel.

  about The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel · at 1:11:00

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Doug Benson — Person · Special guest (panelist) · 1 mention · first at 7:53
  Brought on as an HDTGM all-star guest; he adds commentary, jokes, and a theater-viewing perspective, and plugs his podcast Doug Loves Movies.

Books & papers

• Valyrian and Laureline — Book · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at 25:09
  The comic book series that the movie Valyrian is based on, mentioned to highlight the source material's quality compared to the film adaptation.

Media & podcasts

• Playing House — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions · first at 4:20
  A TV show mentioned as one of the most hilariously funny shows on TV, associated with guest Jessica St. Clair.
• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions
  A TV show recommended by Jason Manzuk, described as fantastic and available on Amazon.
• Big Mouth — Media · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at 1:10:35
  An animated TV show mentioned by Jason Manzuk as a project he's involved in, described as a dirty puberty-based comedy.
  I am on the TV show Big Mouth on Netflix. The best.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 A stunning sci-fi spectacle that engages the viewer on every level except for character, plot, and pacing. We saw Valyan, so you know what that means. Screaming. outed swenegger grow baby in his belly rock a rhinestone vest while ripping just in the Kelly or maybe see a burles show with Nick Crow and take a boat with speech hitting cruise control J man big Paul in the beautiful June going to take you from the groove all the way to the room games a street fight to help to blow off steam just a sucker punch the odd life of Timothy Green sharp nerd demic how we staying alive they call it in the bad ass and he's on the line cranking 88 minutes cuz they cool as ice cuz the bag. Jim Barney looking kind of nice. Paul and June getting literal. Jason is getting laid.

0:56 June is making sure all the monkey shots getting paid. They judge a bunch of movies while they making the grade. Here's a real question for you. How did this get made? HELLO PEOPLE OF HELLO LOS ANGELES.

1:14 WE ARE HERE AT THE ACE Hotel Theater for the very special Pcast Blast. Uh we watched the movie Valyan. Wow. It's like Fifth Element if it didn't make sense. Uh and that movie barely made sense. So we'll get into all of that. But first, let me welcome my co-host. Please welcome Jason Manzuk.

1:50 WHAT'S UP, JERKS? HOW WE DOING, BALCONY? BIG, big balcony up there. BIG BALCONY. WHO HERE'S BEEN HERE ALL DAY?

2:04 YEAH. WHO HERE'S BEEN WEARING A DIAPER? WHO'S LIVING THAT #DIP LIFE. And look, if you're listening right now, yes, they've been here all day since 3. It's now eight. It's not that big of an accomplishment.

2:22 Who's been here? IT'S LIKE SEEING ONE HOURS OF PODCASTING. It's like seeing two Lord of the Rings movies. You You're fine.

2:30 Which I'm sure none of these people have seen. JK, you're [ __ ] nerds. Speaking of nerds, Jason, what this movie, Valyan, were you familiar with it? Did you see it before?

2:46 Yeah, I was I was familiar with it in theory from watching the trailers and being like, well, I don't know what this is. And then I watched it and felt very much the same. I it ended after I think about a 4hour run time and I was confounded.

3:08 I watched the movie in four separate viewings. This is the one with Dane Dhan and um um um Cara.

3:16 Cara Deivine, right? Yes. Tulip Fever. What? No, not that one. Tulip Fever. I'm I don't They are also the leads of the movie Tulip Fever. First of all, did not know that that was a thing.

3:29 [ __ ] you. Second of all, their chemistry so electric, it has now been the basis of two different love stories. Both of which savagely unsuccessful. They are the bogey and beall of now. They are the millennial. They are the millennial Harry Mitsali. Um Jason,

3:52 what? We have a big show. A very big show. HOW BIG IS THIS SHOW? HUGE. YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS GOT to get your energy like 10 million times more amped.

4:03 Thank you. We have a very special guest host filling in for our normal co-host, Jun Dian Rafield. We have a very special one. She has been on the show uh in the past. She has talked about films like Pluto Nash. She is the star of one of the most hilariously uh funny shows on TV. It's called Playing House. Please welcome JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

4:30 WELCOME, JESSICA. Here we go. The audience is giving you kisses. THE AUDIENCE IS ON THEIR FEET. THEY'RE RUSHING THE STAGE. IF YOU'RE LISTENING TO THIS AT HOME, THE AUDIENCE IS FREAKING OUT.

4:46 THEY'RE TEARING me limb from limb. They are rending their clothes and losing their minds. They are very excited to see you. Wamp it up is back.

4:58 Wamp it up is back. [ __ ] I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot

5:08 cuz I put it off and because you were giving hand jobs this and I was also giving $5 hand jobs just to try to make

5:16 I know your prices went up and and and the and the clients were kind of into it because you were playing a movie at the same time.

5:25 Yes. It was a bunch of bunch of podcast nerds being like, "Wait, I can get a hand job and watch a sci-fi movie?

5:33 And my dreams are coming true. Coming true indeed. Oh guys, I was talking about that jizz in your pants.

5:43 And people could argue this movie is a little masperatory. So uh Jessica, I know that we've put you through the ringer with the future movies. This is not a dystopian future.

5:53 No. Now you hasn't aired yet, right? But you've made me watch now Pluto Nash, which I found more enjoyable than this film, which says a lot,

6:02 although the costume design was very similar. To be fair, can you This picture is what's on the big screen up here, right?

6:08 Was a lot like the guys I tipped off earlier. You did over there say these were these three characters made you the most turned on you've ever felt in cinema, history.

6:17 Yeah, that's true. That's true. This is the magic mic. These three three stooges characters from the movie Valyan are, you know, they're sexy, they're fun, they're flirty,

6:28 funny. They kind of reminded me of Oh Hello, didn't they did they have an Oh hello vibe to anybody. They were like, "Oh, too much tuna." Anyway, yeah, I feel sick. I hated this movie and I hate you guys for making me watch so many [ __ ] movies about the dystopic future. I would take so many trash cans on fire. So many iced teas with with you know what was that [ __ ] ass movie?

6:56 It was it was a dolphin who was a who was addicted to or the internet or something.

6:59 Oh right. What was that? WHAT IS THE TITLE OF THAT? Johnny Mana. Thank you. Anyway, I would take a thousand of those movies for one of this space [ __ ]

7:09 Uh Jessica, all I'll say is at least it's short. Only 2 hours and 16 minutes. Uh brisk a brisk 2 hours. I watched every one of those credits

7:20 with glee. I was like, "These poor people worked so hard." I mean, who was the who was the jelly wrangler who had to just like clean that jelly off of everybody cuz everybody

7:32 a lot of people are getting slimed in this movie. The slime ratio is very high.

7:36 More so than on any Nickelodeon show ever. 100%. Um, we have a very special guest tonight. He is a How Did This Get Made allstar. Uh, you know him from his amazing comedy specials, his own podcast, Doug Loves Movies, AND FROM OUR EPISODES HERE OF TWILIGHT, DOUG BENSON. WOO! WELCOME, DOUG. HEY, EVERYBODY. DOUG, I believe the only one of us who saw the film in the theater. Oh yeah, I it if not opening weekend close to it cuz I am a Luke Bone completist.

8:21 I will see I'll see every crazy piece of [ __ ] movie he makes till one of us is dead.

8:29 I I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there was an element about this movie that I legitimately enjoyed.

8:35 Is it the fifth element? But there is something about this movie on a visual level that is like if I was in like an Indian restaurant and this is playing like on a monitor and I didn't hear it or wasn't invested in it. I'd be like that looks cool.

8:51 Like that's how I felt. I'd be like, "Excuse me, could you turn the subtitles off?" Yeah.

8:56 Would you be like I'd love more chicken tikka masala and what is this movie? Can I have a side of Valyan with my tikka marala? some sack paneer and some uh Dane Dhan. Uh is that her name? Dane Dhan.

9:12 Dane Dhan. Yeah, Karen Devine is not in Tulip Fever, isn't she? That's your lady.

9:18 I don't know. That's Lisa Vicander. Oh, nuts. That's why I didn't. Is she not in it as well?

9:27 She is right. Oh, okay. They're both. It doesn't matter. But I was wrong. You're right.

9:31 I don't blame any actor in this film for this movie. That's not their fault. They're just doing. They're there. They showed up to work on time.

9:40 They got into hair and makeup. How do you know that? Are you the set PA on this movie?

9:44 Yes. It's It's an interesting movie because I would argue that from out of the gate, it has all this pot. Well, it's crazy, but I I Well, I mean, the first thing that we're watching is like literally 10 solid minutes of no subtitles and no English. Right. Right. It's just aliens who wash with pearls. They mine pearls. They have pets that ship pearls.

10:08 Wait, is that Wait, it's an Avatar on the beach. It's a beautiful avatar. It really is. Is that before or after we watch aliens shaking hands with people for conservative 30 minutes?

10:20 There's the the lost art of shaking hands montage. 30 minutes. 30 minutes. Door opens. Three people walk in. Shake hands. Door opens. Shake hands.

10:30 Nope. So many actors. So many shake hands. And at the end of all of that, even still, it goes 400 years later. What?

10:40 Why did you do this then? WHY DO THIS? THIS WAS THE PASSAGE OF TIME. YOU DON'T THEN also say also 400 more years. Imagine all those hands shaking. And by the way, there was something very odd about this movie like just on the the premise level. I mean I'm hardressed to understand why you even needed to see the passage of time at all because they I mean so I guess the idea is there was a space station then it kept on growing and growing and growing and then Rucker Hower who's like top build in the movie has one scene

11:15 as he should be 100%. He's the guy with the earring. Um wow he is the guy that does not narrow it down. This is, by the way, THIS IS A CONTINUATION of a conversation we started over there where Jessica goes, "Who was the man who was the who's the club owner where Rihanna was?" And I said, "Ethan Hawk." And you went, "That's Ethan Hawk."

11:37 And then I said, "He got his teeth fixed." I think those were because in reality,

11:42 I think those were fake teeth for this movie. He had future teeth because you know who he looked like? Who's the singer? He's got real bleach blonde hair.

11:52 Who? Sugar Ray. Mark. Yeah. YES. THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS. AND I ACTUALLY THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

12:00 he's not a terrible actor, but now that I KNOW IT'S ETHAN HAWK, HE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

12:07 Oh boy. When When Ethan Hawk is the comic relief character in your movie, you're in trouble. playing playing future organ.

12:17 He's playing future organ. He's like playing he's playing a a organ, but it doesn't seem that organ is the music that is playing in the scene. Like it seems like a full orchestra is happening, but he's like over on the side. I mean, there's so there's so much here. And the good news is if you ever get lost, characters will stop the movie dead to give you three to four minutes of exposition at a time

12:46 and flashback and flashback. Oh yeah, that's the thing is you can be so dumb about movies as I am. Doug, you know this. I was on Doug Love's movie once and it's I haven't been able to meet his gays once, but you can be really dumb and still kind of understand what's happening in this movie. Oh yeah, because they tell you at the last 5 minutes they're like, "Oh, here's the entire plot of the movie." Like it's almost like it's almost like you're like like you're explaining it to your parents like, "Okay, pause it." So remember those characters from before?

13:18 So they're over here and that guy is bad. Oh, he's bad. Yeah, he was a bad guy. But then if your parents were like, "Well, that would insinuate that the middle hour in 40 minutes was irrelevant." And it was. This movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie. None of which is cumulatively important to the movie's journey at all.

13:42 You know what I found? The DVD could have like a late chapter that says recap here.

13:47 Yeah. Like go ahead, start here. If you started the movie really in the last 20 minutes, you could get everything you need.

13:55 It would be a great episode of television. Well, let me talk about to me, I mean, we can get into the the pearl eating people, but the the real issue that I have with this movie is it's like and I'm giving it the real benefit of the doubt going. It's like a James Bond in outer space kind of story, but there is nothing energetic between these two characters. They have so much witty reparte that is not said the way that you would say witty repartate. It's again it's the deadly like

14:32 it's like when Harry met Sally but they're just read it's like a staged reading and they just got the script like oh

14:39 I'm sorry that was my line. Oh right, right. No, no, that was you. Go ahead. So you

14:44 what are you doing? So a a princess was guiding you. Yeah. Then a woman's inside you.

14:51 Okay, we got it. Moving on. Okay. You guys, you guys, your chemistry is off the charts.

14:58 Every every scene in this movie was shot in uh one take or less. It's like we need to get this to the effects, guys, as quick as possible. They have a lot of work to do.

15:08 The most the most important thing on this movie is effects. They are not interested in performance at all.

15:14 But it's crazy because like the main the main actor, he is a should should be roguish. His lines are written to He's supposed to be like a Han Solo um charismatic, you know, um uh charming space rogue

15:30 and he sounds like Keanu Reeves if you close your eyes. By the way, we we did I kept waiting for him to say he's not an FBI agent.

15:37 We we literally uh Averil Hi, who puts all of our stuff together, the genius behind all of these great things uh and movie [ __ ] She put together this short comparison. Take a listen.

15:48 Federal agent on duty. I am an FBI agent. Yes, it is exactly the same. I did not know you were going to do that when I said that. That it's it's insane. But and and right from the get they I don't get these things when they like want to show like how couples are like really into each other. I've never like aggressively wrestled that. Like that was their meat. Like we're wrestling like they're wrestling a drink

16:18 with a full drink in their hands, which is a solid. It's It's solid. Whatever they're drinking, the frequency with which the the glass with the drink has to drop out of frame because it couldn't be there still cuz they would drop it or smash it or it would spill or whatever just so they can then put it back in. Bring it back. Whoop. They literally are doing UFC style fight moves with their legs like flipping each other over.

16:41 Now this is So you're telling me? Yes. And you're telling all of us you and June don't aggressively wrestle at home.

16:49 You guys don't. It was when we first met we were wrestling all the time. Now it's falling off with the kids. You don't wrestle as she wasn't sure for a while. When a girl's not sure, she'll wrestle with you.

17:01 Yeah. You know, when I talk about my playlist, my playlist, which was an odd choice, like it's not like

17:09 has a meaning currently. Yes. So to say your playlist, which is like is that his yank bank of old exes? Like

17:16 I think it's all the people that he's had sex with, right? But why would you call that your playlist,

17:21 right? I think cuz they just wrestle his playmates cuz all and they and they oddly all like when he mentions his playlist they all pop up on the wall like trading cards.

17:33 And do you think like cuz he also has the ability do you think if he like clicked on one of those things you would then see it cuz you also he also has the ability to see like the the computer can project the dream that he had to him outside of his head. Remember that? Like, so are we to assume these are files of like his like are these all sex tapes that he has? LIKE WHAT'S

17:54 THE MORE WE talk about it, it sounds like you guys are so hoping and wishing that that is a possibility either now or in the future.

18:02 Here's what I want to know. Is it on the special features? Exactly. I didn't get the special features. Maybe you can click on them and see some like super alien dirty nastiness. I did watch some special features because I did buy this on iTunes. I I spent the $19 on a more expensive iTunes purchase than normal.

18:22 And why did you buy Oh, so you could do your four viewings. Yes. You had to dip in, dip out.

18:27 Well, yeah. I I was like, I don't know where I'm going to be able to watch this. I watched half of it on an iPad. I watched half of it on the TV in my bedroom. I watched half it on

18:34 You get it. You got two screens. You're took a break. You took a break. You wrestled June. You went back to watching.

18:43 We get it. You know what? I watched it on an old Apple Newton jerk. Um, I had a a theory which was that they had almost like a focus group of all of these movies of which I've not seen all of them, but it's like for those of you who like Star Wars, we've got like that little bar they go to where everyone's like

19:07 the ship looks like the Millennium Falcon, right? And then there's it's Avatar. Yeah, I know that. I know that. Which I thought they should have updated that. That's so dumb.

19:15 Yeah. again. Like, what's your favorite character from Star Wars? What is this?

19:18 What's your favorite character from Star? Hold on. What's Like, if you had to pick one character from Star Wars,

19:23 it's Star Wars. What's your favorite character? Sure. Sure. Princess Leia. Okay, good job. RIP.

19:30 Yeah, she really knows her stuff. She really got into it. Yes, she is. Wait a second.

19:35 Oh, god. I forgot was dead and then I then I remembered and again, she's not dead.

19:42 We have terrible news. God. Princess Debbie Reynolds. Great. Um, why are you ripping on Debbie Reynolds? My god. Here in the Ace Hotel. No, but and then you've got your Avatar, right? That's all the tall people.

19:58 Yes. The Pearl the Pearl people are the Avatar people, right? And I would have seen a whole movie of those pearl people. I thought that was nice. She wakes up in like an ear canal and then like and then she's like stretching. I was like, "This seems like a good life. She's got a very sexy half shirt on.

20:14 I the the sexy half shirt was odd. They didn't seem like creatures that needed to wear clothes.

20:19 Here's the thing. And she was wearing a very blousy top like Yeah. Everything's very gossamer.

20:24 Those those those that race of beings did not have nipples. That's interesting. I didn't look at it.

20:31 So So like like then what why why wear shirts, right? Like what's what do we do? There was no reason for them to be wearing

20:39 I couldn't figure to show off your nipples. Yeah. Like the only reason I wear a shirt is to cover my nips,

20:46 right? And same with you guys cuz good god I don't want to see any of these gross nips.

20:51 So, thank God for shirts. But without nips, I I have a lot of issues about this world. While beautiful was like she wakes up, she goes to her sink to wash her face in pearls. That'd be a great like cosmetics commercial if I was just like, "Ah, get those pearls on me."

21:07 But then she goes outside and then there's water. Yeah. But then they're getting pearls pearls out of the water. Yeah.

21:14 So, but there is a world where there is water. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the pearls are not water even though they seem to turn into liquid. And they also have an en like a powerful energy more powerful than like an atom bomb or something like that, you know?

21:30 Right. That one could blow up. Well, there is a moment in this movie that I was like, I no, I could have fallen asleep at any given point. But when that that one pearl blows up and everyone's in the space station, like when they're interrogating that one Pearl person, they everyone like a big explosion happens and then they don't ever reference it again, right? Am I right in that?

21:51 That's right. I don't think he killed Doesn't she when when they're like interrogating the the person in the

21:57 Yeah, when they're interrogating the pearl man, but where is the pearl at that point? I think they take out a pearl at one point and it's like,

22:03 "Oh, really?" Oh, maybe that might be Do you remember that? People remember that.

22:07 They die is when they do that. It's a different pearl. It's not the pearl. It's not a pearl.

22:12 Oh, it's not the first. That's how they die. Oh. Oh, they die in explosion. We We normally We normally mic up our audience. They die in an explosion. Yes.

22:27 Oh, wow. FOR THE Did you guys know that John Goodman is one of the voices and they just repurposed all of Sully's lines from uh Monsters Inc.?

22:45 I'm not going in for that. Just take take old Rosanne takes and Sully lines like how they did like Grandma Tarkin in like Rogue One. Um, I I I wrote down like this movie was so kind of based on a certain level that I started to write down my notes have devolved into things like this. Uniforms are stupid.

23:08 Like I I was like like the idea of the uniforms. It's 500 years in the future and people are wearing dumb clothes from now.

23:16 They look like Nazis straight up. Right. The bad guys. Oh. Oh yeah. Those uniforms. Yeah.

23:21 Anytime you're going to be in an olive green, that's a bad choice. What is the chest piece that Clive Owen Clive Owen cannot catch a break?

23:32 This dude is a phenomenal actor. He is in trash. Yeah, except for Kier and the Nick. Okay. Otherwise, like I don't know what's up with him. He him I felt so bad him putting on that giant hat every time and that weird golden like somebody like glued a bunch of nuts and bolts onto a chest placard and he has to like clip it in and wear it around the rest of the movie. I was like give up dude it's over. But what I liked about Clive Owen was he didn't know what side he fell on. Like when you first met him like could he be good or could he be bad? I'm joking. He was playing fully bad from moment one. There was no confusion. Love the moment where the camera comes around the second time and you realize it's him that ordered the attack on the planet and you were like, "No [ __ ] door."

24:21 Cuz I haven't met any other antagonist yet. This is no reason for like Jessica thought they were all bad guys from the beginning

24:30 even immediately. And they and Valyan's with them in the beginning. Like they're all supposed to be good and then they're bad. I also hate her. I don't I don't like a movie where they keep a character's back uh like to camera and then he turns around but they're not anybody that you know like like when Valyrian goes to meet his first person I'm like uhoh who's it going to be? Oh, I don't know this person. I also didn't understand ever

24:57 Herby Hancock. I didn't really ever understand. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Ever understand who? Um, Valyan and Cara Deeline.

25:07 Did she have a name? What was Oh, the name's Laurelene. And the the graphic novel that it's based on, this is a classic example of Hollywood sexism or French sexism. The uh the uh the book it's based on is called Valyrian and Laurelene. And then the movie is called Valyrian and the City of a Thousand PL. Like, [ __ ] that girl. She's only half of the whole movie. People are either coming for the dude or the city of a thousand

25:35 because she has to be in a bikini all the time at work and when she's not she has to wear that very uncomfortable metal bra.

25:42 Yeah. She's not in the bikini enough of the time if you ask me. Well, but I'm also like because he treats her as if they are not equals. Like they she has to wait for the takeout guy or you know or she has to like always be out in the in the lobby.

25:57 Yeah. They also um wait for me in the lobby. Yeah, wait for me in the lobby. Go outside and have a smoke.

26:03 Get me some Reese's Pieces and wait for me in the lobby. Wait for me in the lobby of the big market.

26:09 I I wrote down I was like there's so much sarcasm in this movie. I don't know what's real or not. And I don't know if they're good at their job or they're terrible at their job because nothing made sense.

26:20 I don't know if they understand sarcasm. I also think and I and whatever I think these are both um very talented people and I have seen them be good in other things. It was like someone let two kids onto a movie set and they were like [ __ ] it let's do the movie with them.

26:37 I was like I couldn't say whatever you want kids. I couldn't crack it. I COULDN'T FIGURE

26:41 WELL, HERE'S a big problem. The stakes for them seem to be for most of the movie that they're trying to get to their vacation.

26:49 Yes. That they just got to get to the beach. No, I don't. They don't. Is she going to accept his marriage proposal? Because this is clearly the love story of the century.

26:58 Yeah. By the way, there's nothing more sad than someone being like, "Why won't you marry me?" And the first like, it's like this first thing is like, "Oh, all right. Well, you're laying it all out on the line right from the get-go." Like,

27:09 are they even a couple at the beginning OF THIS? NO, THEY'RE PARTNERS. They're just partners, right? But

27:14 but they're inseparable and they wrestle in their underwear on the beach. They like honestly they both have more chemistry with the robot that runs their ship.

27:23 Yeah, Alex. Alex. Um, oh my gosh. I want to talk about some of the tech because I believe that the movie Well, first of all, this performance was one of my favorites. Um, the uh the the Hold on here. I'm going to just

27:38 Oh, I love that. I don't like when she almost gets her brain there. This is my This is my favorite performance. Um, this guy here. Play it. Welcome everybody. Welcome. Please gather around. Gather around. Now my name is Taz for today. Okay. Now whose first time is this at big market? Okay. Lovely. Lovely. Wonderful. Wonderful. Now let me remind you that big market is in another dimension. You won't be able to see it without your helmet or touch it without your gloves. Please watch the letters at the top and verify that the U for human is Paul green. Okay. So everybody please get together right behind your guy whose name is

28:23 Come on, let's go. Through the gates, watch this right to camera system. Wonderful. Okay,

28:35 system activated. Here we go. This is my favorite little activate system. Welcome to Big Market.

28:47 Why didn't Jason get this job? Were you up for this part? There were two parts. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT ONE AND the and the jellyfish hunter.

28:56 I was I was up for both of these parts. You know, I I just, you know, I missed it by by I guess, you know, it just came down to me and him and and he had all of the wardrobe already.

29:07 You didn't Yeah. You didn't have enough beads in your beard. like one of those guys that came in character, you know,

29:12 just came with like a double bag full of old towels and then wrapped them around.

29:16 It was undeniable. Have you guys been to the uh the whole Universal Park, the Valyrian Universal Park where you market just a big empty uh piece of sand

29:27 here. So, here's my issue with the big market. So, the the premise is it's in another dimension. Cool idea. You got to put on glasses and then you can explore. But basically, even though it's in another dimension, you're still in this dimension walking around. So, it's almost like VR that you're experiencing something, but you're existing in a space. So, when all this [ __ ] happens where they're like robbing John Goodman from Monsters, Inc., uh they like he's being chased, but at any given point, couldn't he just take off the glasses?

30:01 Well, he No, cuz his hand is stuck in the thing. Oh, so his hand would always be in that dimension.

30:07 Yeah. That's why he can't just jump right out. Oh. Is because he's stuck. Oh, yeah.

30:13 Yeah. Cuz otherwise that's all he would have had to do is like go like and he could take his arm out and he could then

30:19 he needs Laurelene to go at it with a a pliers or something that who knows where she pulled that out of and uh

30:25 and just connect two fix it so it comes off and she's real calm when she's doing it. He's panicked. So fun.

30:30 The reparte is flawless. It's like old school Joel Silver writing, Lethal Weapon style. I wrote down, I was like, it's like Amy Sherman Paladino level banter.

30:42 I wrote down real slow. Said real slow, you know, like that crackling uh um patter of a screw ball comedy slowed real down like it's like like it's a like it's been uh like it's taken a bunch of uh syrup in Houston. I wrote down I wrote it's like sorcin dialogue as written by like Michael Bay like it's like it's like there's an energy to it that should be there but there's no there there either it's you know it's it's a it's conf they're every time they open their mouths I was like I don't

31:20 it all feels like it's made to be enjoyed in any language. Well, you know, like I wonder if there are people that it really would have like one of my things always when I see stuff that doesn't connect with me, but then I'm like cuz

31:35 and I don't think we've said this exactly, but there's a lot of very cool fun sci-fi ideas at play in this. A lot of the segments are really interesting, really great kind of ideas and ex execution, but it's just kind of so flat and I keep being like, who would I have liked to see in this movie? Like it would it have changed if and and again I want to go on record I like both of these actors but if Sam Rockwell was in this movie would this movie be so much better like someone who

32:05 Sam Rockwell Francis let's see Valyan great Valyan in the city with three billboards three billboards outside of a thousand planets

32:15 planets no but I I but I I almost think like visually John Luke Bassan is amazing. It's like it's like you just want somebody to come in there and be like, "Let's just um rewrite this a little bit. Let's kind of put a little flavor to this because it's like it it is I think as far as like a special effects a movie that's so special effects heavy." It is one of the most beautiful movies that doesn't feel like I don't know what's CGI. I don't like it feels great. It looks very bright and vibrant. But it's the same way I kind of feel about James Cameron movies sometimes too. I'm like [gasps] like I wish there were like Avatar. I wish there was like more.

32:52 Well, that goes back to also what Sinclair was saying about like stakes. I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody. It never really hooked me. I never I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing to catch on to. So, I just kind of end up being like, and it's very um vignetti, you know, each piece is its own little piece. And so, some worked, some didn't.

33:14 And it's all they don't I mean, they really don't go on their mission. They don't ever go on a mission. They go on one thing that leads them to the next thing. So they're they don't even they're just like along for the ride. Like they they don't take there.

33:27 They take turns saving each other. Yeah, that's Yeah. Oh my gosh. There's a lot of like I felt like there was that one scene where Car Devine's like go through that wall and it was just an excuse to run through all the worlds that they had mentioned, but they had no discernable plot for any of it. Like, yeah. Well, it would be cool if he just runs through the all of them, right? Wouldn't that be like at least we did it like

33:51 But to be honest, that was my favorite part of the movie. Really? That that suit was the only thing I thought would be cool to have.

33:59 Yeah. Then he could be like, "Oh, I'm swimming now. Now I'm running really fast. Now I can go through walls." You know? I was like, "Okay, that's something interesting." I'll tell you what I don't need is a sky jet. What is it called?

34:10 What' you say, Dad? Something about hand jobs in a parking lot. But through it all, no matter how far the worlds get, you still get some beeges with staying alive when you're walking through the cool 40 red light district.

34:27 Oh, here. We'll just be out here. He has to turn down a lot of action. People want to have sex with aliens. That's what this is telling us.

34:36 It's the truth. Hi, Sugara. They shot this at the rap party. Hey, do you want to fly?

34:51 I'm allergic to feathers. That Wait, call me. Just pause for one second. How about that? Hey, baby. Do you want to fly? I'm allergic to

35:02 That's It's This is supposed to be crackling dialogue. I'm allergic to He really He's just trying to let him down gently. He's got a real legit reason not to [ __ ] her.

35:15 He doesn't want to put these in your face while you're I would love to [ __ ] you, but it's you know you and down pillows. I can't do it.

35:23 Now if you were made out of my pillow material that you know contours bring me one of those Br me one of those tempropic cores which essentially Rihanna is. Rihanna is a morphable pillow by the way. I think Rihanna MVP of this movie.

35:41 Best scene in the movie. Yes, she is a little blue creature which but I I I'm all in on real like I thought it like

35:50 Bubble Bubble and they all sad that Bubble died so soon. I feel like Spoilers Jessica.

35:56 Sorry. She dies so anticlimactic like they kill everybody like where's Bubbles and she's like I'm here.

36:03 I love that she raises one finger almost like over here. one tentacle, but she is dying.

36:09 I'm the best performer. He's like, you were a great performer. You're one of the best actresses I've ever seen.

36:16 Like, that was like that was like his final sendoff to Bubbles. Of course, you're a great actress if you can be anything.

36:24 Well, by the way, whatever she wants to. They he like she needs to practice. Yeah. He comes up with this plan to like they're going to be like crazy like weirdo creature. They jump in and like 2 minutes before a massive Matrix style fight scene, they can't even walk straight. They're like, and then like a literally a minute later, he's running and jumping and chopping people's heads off. She's good. She's real good is what I'm saying.

36:52 That segment where Lauraai Lurelene rather is trapped in with those beasts that are like you can't get the fat ass beast

37:01 and it's just the fashion show. Nope. Nope. Nope. I I was like, "Now, what are they up to here?"

37:08 Nope. No. Why did this get through? Like, what's what what are we doing here? Because she doesn't even There's like eight beats where she doesn't the the the creature doesn't change its reaction at all to

37:27 and then Smith and then it finally just blows snot in her face. Yeah. She gets snot. People get slimed. Like again in this movie there's a lot of slime. There's jizz guns. There are there like And then that little that scene with the baby like when he like when Valyan run into a toy storeless baby.

37:48 Yeah. And he's like playing with a kid but there's like also snot on that kid's face and then the mom comes in. A lot of [ __ ] slime. Uh this movie was originally supposed to be in French. Um

38:00 what John? Yes. John Luke Bassan decided to get a wider audience. His name is Jean Luke.

38:05 His name's Luke Bassan. Sorry, John Luke Pequard and John Luke Bassan. Sorry, Luke Bassan. I'm so excited that maybe John Luke Bquard might come back for the Quent Tarantina Star Trek. It's been on my mind. Um,

38:23 oh my god. Sorry, Luke Passan. Luke Bassan. But yeah, he thought he thought it would be great to uh put in English because it would be a broader film, but um it did not work. The budget of this movie was $210 million.

38:42 The opening weekend was 17. Oh no. Well, it probably did better internationally though.

38:48 Uh yes. Now, this is the thing. The worldwide gross of this movie was $225 million. So, it made Yeah, they they just just kind of broke even. And by the way, John John Luke Bassan uh

39:03 also took no money for this movie. Oh no. Cuz he was wanted to make this vision. So he did not

39:09 Maybe is there something French about this movie we're not getting. I recently saw a movie that was like an Italian comedy. It was like the most depressing thing I'd ever seen. But I'm like maybe if I'm Italian I'd be like haha. So like maybe there's something. That's your impression of you as an Italian person.

39:27 That's how you laugh when you're Italian. Cappuccino. But like baby and then you just say cappuccino.

39:35 You and as an Italian lady. Haha. Cappuccino. Cappuccino. Really phenomenal acting. By the way, just to put a a a button on this, when the movie did come out, even though it made $225 million, uh the company that made the film, their stock dropped by 40%. And the CEO immediately stepped down.

39:57 Ken killed himself. Oh. And all Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. Oh god. Doug, it surprised me.

40:04 Doug, are you okay? Doug, Doug, have you gone into another dimension? His arm's in the box. Get his arm out of that box.

40:12 Uh This movie is going to make me sick tonight. I feel it. I feel that it's gotten into my my Did you feel like as you were watching it, you understood what was happening?

40:21 Yes. And I That was unfortunate. I was really hoping to have like kind of a blackout experience like I've had with some of these films, but I could follow it enough that it really made me so much.

40:33 You said they are traumatic experiences. Exactly. This one just makes me feel like vaguely nauseous

40:39 and Italian. Yeah. And Italian. Um, there's a real tonton feeling too when she slices him out of that way.

40:49 A ton? What a specific reference from you. I feel like you just learned what a ton.

40:53 That's what she slices open. I have like a very big game five in the movie theater. Who slices? Somebody slices open.

41:00 That's what she slices open, right? When Princess Leah does it or no? No, no, no. Does it Luke who slices it open? Makes a home in it.

41:08 Han Solo. But yeah, it was Han Solo who did that. So he put Luke inside it. But by the way, you're very close. You're very close. Did you just call him Hans?

41:17 IS HIS NAME REALLY HANS LOLO? OH, I thought they smelled bad on the outside. John Luke Solo.

41:31 Oh my gosh. Well, I feel like we should talk to our audience cuz they're here and I'm sure they have a lot to say cuz we got to talk about Bob the Pirate. We got to talk about the jellyfish head. We got to talk. We There's a lot to get into it here. So, let's go out into our crowd right now and uh and let's see what they have to say. I'm going to come down here. Okay. Who has something?

41:52 Really think about it. Is your question good? All right. I want, you know, there are over 200 alien races in this film. So, I'd like you to say your name and come up with an alien race name uh that could be in this movie in your question.

42:07 Uh my name is Brian. Uh, the googles. Great. Love it. That was great. If you said it with more confidence, it would have been better. Okay.

42:14 Remember guys, be confident and have your questions on paper. Please have your glasses ready. Uh, I I want to know your opinions or thoughts on the Laurelines and Valyan's indifference to their teammates. Remember at the beginning they're getting off the desert planet and like 10 people die and then they escape leaving them behind and then Lurelene just says, "Shoot, he ruined my dress."

42:41 Yeah, that was pretty cold bloodooded of them right? Yeah. They have no regard for human life?

42:47 No. But were those guys supposed to be dicks? Those guys on the bus? Well, they were wearing silly hats.

42:53 That's true. And at one point she does go, "Nice hat." Yeah, nice hat. And that hat never seems to have any reason at all.

43:00 No. Nope. Couldn't figure it out. Like it doesn't do anything. All right. Here we go, sir. Your name.

43:04 Like a Jolly Rancher on his head. A green Jolly Rancher. That would be amazing.

43:08 Mike, alien name. Alien name. Charismoids. Great. That was a good one. Clowan wipes out all life on this planet. Covers up all record of it. And uh Laurelene says she knows how the mule converter works cuz she learned about it in school.

43:24 Oh wow. Wow. You really We're peeling back the layers now. Well, are are mule converters only on that planet?

43:32 Yes. Yes. So, how did she learn about that? Or maybe they like were more maybe she went to like a progressive school.

43:40 No, we found a loophole. She went to like a Waldorf school, so they're very like alternative stuff.

43:47 I I runs through a lot of holes in the plot. If that doesn't make sense, it's the only thing in the movie that doesn't.

43:54 I know. Oh, and I'm surprised they didn't cross that tea. You really found that uh

43:58 found that flaw. I really would have liked to see more of that little creature. I liked him.

44:02 Yeah, I liked watching him like his face struggle as he pooped out whatever he ate.

44:07 Yeah, by the way, he eats the pearl willingly and then looks surprised WHEN HE STARTS [ __ ] out all that stuff.

44:14 It really is like the animal seems to be in distress. Yes, it is cruel to do what they're doing.

44:22 The animal seems to then have like violent diarrhea. Sarah Mclofflin could watch those scenes.

44:28 In another world, these are porks. Like I mean, imagine if in and if we go see The Last Jedi, all the porks do is just [ __ ] out like lightsaber crystals.

44:38 I WOULD JUST LIKE JUST [ __ ] out Kyber crystals. All right, these people are from the balcony. They've come down with their questions. Oh,

44:47 your name, your alien race. That's some ambition. Uh, my name's Christina. My alien race is what is consentid?

44:56 Nice. And um, so at the very end, Valyrian's like, I'm a soldier. I play by the rules. When they're debating giving back the converter, but when in the entire movie has he actually played by the rules?

45:13 Yeah. He and when he never really seemed to m much to me to be a soldier like he seems to be like a like a a you know like a a play a a a a play by his own rules kind of guy.

45:27 Like at least Luke, right? He wants to to figure out who his dad is, right? Go on.

45:36 But he like he's like are you talking about Jean Luke? Yeah, Jeanluke. But there's like a dark force. He's like, "We got to defeat this."

45:44 There's a dark force. Yeah. Yeah. Right. What is the dark? Who are they fighting?

45:49 Who's who fighting? Th this guy. They're fighting their own fighting. Yeah. They're fighting Clive Owen.

45:56 He turns out to be the bad guy. Halfway through. Yeah. But who is Valyrian's dad? Is that what you're asking? You really

46:02 Well, also, here's what I want to know, too. Like when they are doing the mission where the school bus people are bringing them to the big market. Who are the school bus people?

46:14 Like who are they are rebels but in service of what? [ __ ] EXACTLY. I THOUGHT we were at that point these are like the good guys that are trying to overthrow some bad guys. But no, that's not true. And those guys got eaten by a dog. So who cares?

46:28 Yeah. A space dog. Space dog. What about space dog slowfall? I love that. I'm going I'm going back to my theory about why

46:43 why couldn't take off. Sarah Mlan hates this movie. Her ads on Alpha Planet are amazing. Um I'm going back to like why his hand was in that box. If he took off the glasses though, what I mean couldn't they just they would shoot the box and the bo but he wouldn't get shot, right? Yes, he would. The glasses just the glasses don't um

47:07 just so he could see where he's going. Oh, okay. So, there is like so someone could kick you with the glasses off.

47:14 Remember, he's like saying she's not wearing glasses and he is. And he's saying, "Hurry up. Hurry up." Cuz he can see.

47:20 Space dog. Space dog. Right. But she would get hurt. She would not. But he would die.

47:25 Correct. If you have your hand in that box, but but if but it was just a hand in the box.

47:29 Wouldn't you just your hand die? No. Yeah, but cuz isn't he still He I believe is still in the big market dimension.

47:37 No, but if you take off the glasses. No, the glasses aren't you. The glasses just allow you Oh, boy.

47:42 Oh, can I No, I GET EXPLAIN THIS. NO, I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING cuz once they walk past that little thing that that ENTRANCE GATE,

47:51 WE NEED A NERD TO EXPLAIN THIS. PAUL, YOU ARE NOT FIT for this. All right. Sorry. I'm learning. All right, sir. Yes. your name, your alien race, and your question.

48:01 Uh, my name is Tim. I would say based on the number of women in his playlist, maybe a race called the Venerials.

48:07 Oh, and then here's my question. So, Rihanna is a specialized and arguably a one-of-a-kind exotic dancer. Jolly the pimp is a pimp, but also the club promoter, musical accompan accompaniment, and possibly the owner and proprietor of this club. Bubble performs her act for exactly one person who doesn't pay.

48:33 How is this business profitable, dude? Maybe that's why the economy. No more SAT questions, Tim.

48:43 We're not doing math for you. If this movie leaves a train station at 2:00. Okay. The rent on the club is 74,000 cubits per month.

48:55 I need scratch paper. How many dancing a sir? At least one organ was getting touched in there.

49:05 Hey. All right, sir. Your name, your alien race, and your question. Hi, my name is Steve. My alien race would be something like Snoozle or something weird. You got to sell it. Steve just go Steve snoozle.

49:20 Okay. Hi, I'm Steve. I'm a snoozle. You don't have to be it. You have to live it.

49:31 # living that snoozle life. Snooze it up, y'all. All right. Um, so like you said, there's over 200 aliens in this movie. And apparently the director, John Luke Bassan.

49:43 Yes. Uh he wrote make it so he wrote a 600page book detailing each one of these aliens.

49:52 What? Yes. According to IMDb and he made each one of the actors read this book so they could alter their acting when interacting with a specific alien for free.

50:04 Did that pay off? Do you think it helped? Wait, did that pay off? How much? How much money do I have to pay? Is this another math question?

50:12 No. No. No. Was it worth writing that book and making these actors read it? Do you

50:16 What do you think, Steve Snoozel? I THINK YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, Dum Dum. WE'RE DOING IT ON THE PODCAST. SIT DOWN. Jesus Christ. Don't ask questions you think we all know the answers to. Guys,

50:36 sir, your name. I want you to forcibly say your alien race and then your question. Uh Tim and uh Swamp Whailin. Love it.

50:45 Yeah, I like that. Um did they after they attacked the space UN, did they make any effort to to save any of the other people's lives that got like

50:55 I thought that too. Yeah. No, they're coldblooded [ __ ] Yeah. Are we to assume everybody else is just still in those jelly cocoons?

51:06 And do those jellies you die in that thing or you just stay asleep? I think it just it just puts you to sleep. I'd love to get a nice nap in a jelly cocoon.

51:13 I just like I just like the idea that your husband comes home and you've covered yourself in jelly and you're just like trying to sleep on the bed and he's like, "Fuck yeah, my dreams have come true."

51:25 By the way, cuz he's covered in peanut butter. Yeah. Yeah. Then we wrestle a bunch.

51:31 You guys wrestle on a bread bed. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, # jelly bread just living that diap life. He puts in a like a a breathing device. That that was one thing, but then the breathing device opens and then like a little robot spider comes out. Nope.

51:49 I love that. See, that's the stuff I liked in the movie. I agree. I love There was cool stuff at play that I was like, "Oh, too bad. This is some This movie I was like, too bad there's cool components. I like elements of this. I just fifth elements. I just wish that that's Doug's joke. Uh, that's just I I was Ah, boy. This was a bummer.

52:11 Your name, your alien race, and your collection. I'm Sophia. Uh, the the Jizars. I got real stuck on the Jiz Gun.

52:18 The Jizars. I got stuck on the Jiz gun. The Jiz like a guitar. They would have like

52:23 No, like an avatar that's a jizz. You're talking about shooting jizz out of guns. I don't know.

52:28 Do we You said it and we take it. Yeah. Okay. I'm just I'm honestly curious. How long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot? Because for me it was an hour and 40 minutes. Like I like stopped it before I put together

52:44 of the plot. What the through line and then there was still 40 minutes left of the movie

52:48 at the when the movie ended. I was like h well okay thank god. And then I looked 20 more minutes

52:54 right. So so how long how long I was shocked. Do do you DO YOU KNOW TALK ABOUT THE ENDING? What

53:02 that last scene that last scene's amazing. They're just standing around talking and then they kiss pan out from the spaceship at the end.

53:08 Yeah. But so those katrons kill everybody. Yes. And then where do the ear wax people go? Where do the pearl people go?

53:18 Why do why does nobody's gun but Valyrians work against the krons? The the ARMY GUYS ARE LIKE and the krons are like nothing affects us. And he's just like boo and hit and each one explodes every time.

53:34 Well, it's in the season of page novel. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Welcome Paul Sheer back to the stage, everybody.

53:41 Thank you guys. It's real great. I like the uh I like the scene where uh Valyrian is hanging on by a fishing pole that an alien he's dangling him and his solution is to shoot the alien in the face who will then let go of that pole and then he will fall to his death. INSTEAD, THEY JUST CUT TO the next thing that happens.

54:04 This movie has the harshest cuts of all time. It literally goes from an alien princess dying in like the a collapse of her world to a hard cut of like that funny like on the beach sex scene. It's like oh like I don't know how to feel. They they just are like ah [ __ ] it. We don't need to bridge it. It just

54:23 the whole thing is when she dies she like like projects her soul into Valyrian.

54:31 Yeah. Seems kind of random. What the what? That's so dumb. There literally is there literally is a sixinute explanation of the entire plot with the last 10 minutes of the movie. It's like

54:46 all right stop. We'll explain it. So so this end will have some meaning to you. Like and and when he gets in Rihanna's body, he just really lets loose with his feelings for Laurelene. He's like, "Yeah, I really like her. She doesn't like me, but I don't know if I can commit to her. I think that's my issue. Like he he has a full therapy session that was all done in ADR.

55:09 Why why also why also is it important for him to delete his playlist? Like why does that matter?

55:18 I think it must be sex videos, right? No, because she says I should be the only woman. Yes.

55:23 Right. Right. I I get it. But what I'm saying is like why is that such a demonstrable show of like uh I only care about you? Like he's done all this stuff. Like

55:33 that's right. It's like saying you would need to go and get rid of kill all of your exes to be with me,

55:40 which I don't think is crazy. Like wipe this. Wait, what? I don't think that's crazy to HAVE SOMEONE.

55:47 I DON'T WANT THEM I don't want them to be living in this realm. So like that they can't contact you.

55:53 That's That's a movie right there, you know? Yeah. If you want to commit to me, you just kill all your exes.

55:58 Yeah. So there's no way you can get back together with anybody. Exactly. It's called Scott Pilgrim Versus the World.

56:04 We had an opinion about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. Is now time for second opinions.

56:10 Valyan in the Sky. What girl would [ __ ] this guy? He's full of smirks. He's just a jerk. Second opinions. His gadgets do everything. Break through walls of interdimensional malls. Second opinion. Yeah. Second opinions. [screaming] Give it up for Tim. Great work, Tim. Great work. All right. These are fivestar reviews called from Amazon.com. They are great. Um 42% of the reviews are five stars. Um there are 536 total reviews for the movie. Um let's get right into it. This is from James Rasmusen. Uh, and the title of the review is Miss Deavine is quite the flower.

57:09 Not only now, I will say this. In all my time in reading these, this is the first review that included a picture

57:20 of Car Devine. Um, all right. So, this is how it goes. And it's not as creepy as all of that implies, but it goes, "A lovely film. This Dan kid is cool. I dig his voice. The movie is imaginative. Um, it reminds me of a ' 70s black exploitation dram. Yeah, nothing about that. Um, great characters and casting visually. It's stunning. It's grandiose. Great story. Aliens are super cool and believable. All right. Um, the space ranger tech suit that Valyrian wears is really cool.

58:04 I agree. There's a great sequence to showcase it that would appeal to all the gamers. And uh, I was really impress impressed with this flick. And Cara Deivine is one fine woman. Five stars. Um, this is uh let's see here. Um, okay. This is from Phoenix. Phoenix Angel. I love the movie. I've always or for as long as I can remember believed in the possibility of us not being alone. That there's life among us and beyond the stars.

58:42 Oh, so this is a documentary. Yes. This movie I believe is uh possibility of tomorrow. Masked as fiction. to help expose what could be. Five stars. Conspiracy theory. And the title is phenomenal movie. Must see for open minds. If you're a gaia.com person, you will like this.

59:05 I don't know what Gaia is. A yoga website. A yoga website. So, so, so that review is like,

59:12 you like yoga, YOU LIKE THIS other movie. Can you imagine so many pissed-off yoga people being like, "Why are we watching us?"

59:21 This [ __ ] sucks. Um, stretch Mark Chavez came in and and really uh took took the haters to task. Don't believe the negative reviews. They're from people who still have a Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk figurine in their office. Or better yet, wear pajamas and underwear with Darth Vader on their crotch. Trust me, this movie's great. Five stars.

59:50 I love that those people have those toys in their office on their cro Darth Vader on their crotch.

1:00:02 At least it's breathable. AND HAPPY BACK ON, DOUG. HAPPY BACK. THIS IS MAC. BROUGHT TO YOU BY MAC WELDON. BREATHABLE DARTH VADER UNDERWEAR.

1:00:15 For all you Valyan haters out there, push the front, it makes the sound. This is been This is one of my favorite uh reviews I've read in a while cuz it's very It goes deep. This is by Wallace Guy. Says, "Big reward for forgiving the flaws and going deeper."

1:00:34 This is one of my You can say that about any piece of [ __ ] This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I watched it for the first time a few days ago and I've already seen it thrice.

1:00:48 Not enough going on in Wallace's life. To trash Valyan is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay. Introduction, content, conclusion, proper grammar, proper spelling, logical flow. A poem might have none of those but be a great poem. A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That's Valyrian. Um, there are two aspects of Valyrian that stand out for me. Creativity and metaphors. I love the world that was created and I see layer upon layer of really insightful metaphors and allegorories. Whether or not those layers are there or I'm just making stuff up doesn't matter.

1:01:34 Um, but here's an example. The movie centers around an animal, a mute converter, which replicates whatever it eats. It's ambiguous exactly how it does this. But what I saw was an animal that poops out whatever it eats. I found the contrast between the high value nature of what it was eating and the excrement nature of the replication absolutely hysterical. The metaphor of we poop what we eat being made cinematically explicit is profound.

1:02:08 If you read junk, this guy takes some amazing shits every day. You know what? Thank God somebody is willing to put on film that which we know to be true. We poop what we eat. Finally, a filmmaker brave enough to document it on film. watch it on the toilet and wake up.

1:02:29 Because if you like the movie but are having trouble, uh, I suggest that this movie is a good candidate for some herbal assistance. It might free you from the prison of mores. Five stars for Valyrian. Wow, a really in-depth review. Um, so just to give you a little bit of background and we'll go to our final thoughts here. The movie got a 49% on Rotten Tomatoes.

1:02:59 49. 49%. It uh I would like to reiterate The House got 17. Oh, which reminds me just very quick if everybody can be quiet. Alexa, please buy The House on Blu-ray DVD.

1:03:14 Yes. Thank you. Um, the top three movies of the last year, because this movie came out this year, are Rogue One, Beauty and the Beast, and Wonder Woman. And this movie came in 66 66 of all the movies that came out in the last year. And it was beaten by Fast and Furious and uh or yeah, and Return of Xander Cage. And it beat nothing that we talked about on the show. Um, final thoughts everybody. Would you recommend this movie in the sense of why we do the show to to watch something that's interesting, good, bad, whatever you want to say about it, would you recommend this movie, Jason?

1:03:50 Um, I you know, here's what I'll say. If it's on TV, watch it until you're like, I don't care for this anymore. And then and then watch something else. I wouldn't say like we we exist in a world right now where you would have to buy it.

1:04:06 Watch it if you're enjoying it. Yeah. But I and I WOULDN'T SAY LIKE I WOULDN'T SAY RUSH out and buy it, but if IT WAS ON LIKE

1:04:12 ON like the USA Network, it came on. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, because there'd be commercials. Then there'd be commercials that it would be like 7 hours long.

1:04:21 Okay. But like if it's on HBO or something or on an airplane, sure, watch it. Like there is some really cool like sci-fi stuff, you know? Like there's elements of this that are so interesting and so well executed that I think it's worth watching on a visual level, but it is so not satisfying as a cumulative watch that I feel like check in and out on it and who cares is kind of my

1:04:44 like clean your house and keep it on in the background movie. I I agree. I think that the movie is like it I can't go on enough to say how great it looks for a movie that is. You can tell it's completely CGI. Like they were never in any real location and it just looks great. Um I just wish there was a different actors and plot. But uh yeah, Jessica, what do you think?

1:05:09 I meanh, does this movie make me as sick as the other movies you've made me watch? I guess not.

1:05:17 Um, I think if you're a fan of aliens, if you want to like if you're like the kind of guy or girl, whoever wrote that thinks maybe there's other worlds out there, you want to see a variety of aliens. If you have dreams of having sex with an alien, I feel like this would be a good watch, you know, give you some ideas for your playlist, for your alien playlist. If you like

1:05:41 Why are you looking at me when you I'm not trying to have sex with aliens. If you have like a fetish for getting covered in jelly or or slime, this would be something that would be good for you. Um, otherwise, I think it's a pass.

1:05:57 Do you like perfect eyebrows? Yeah, sure. Hers are pretty amazing. Hers are great. Oh, yes. Good-looking people. I would have liked a different bang on him on that actor. I don't like a boyish bang on him.

1:06:10 A bush a boyish bangs on somebody I don't like. Um but again you can see him in the chair. Give me bangs.

1:06:17 Yeah, give me bangs. Like anyway, so yeah. Well, uh the good news for all of you is that John Luke John Luke Bassan has said that he is going to finance another movie.

1:06:26 REALLY? WHY DOESN'T IT SAY VALYRIAN will return at the end? It was supposed to be one of the trilogy and I think it's doubling down on it.

1:06:38 There's no way they're going to Can I ask like an audience question very quickly just by applause? Do is this like a beloved property this comic book? Do people do

1:06:46 the comic book started in 1967 in France and and ended in 2010? So it's been a very longunning successful French got it

1:06:56 uh comic that is known for being uh smart and funny and uh and and on every level like what sci-fi should be. It comments on society. It's like very highly regarded.

1:07:09 Sure. So just like this movie. Yes, Doug. Uh, would you recommend this movie? You saw it in the theater. Was it?

1:07:15 Well, yeah. Now that it's not in theaters anymore. I agree with everybody here that it's a great coffee table movie. Uh, that it, you know, it looks great all the way through. The visuals are are really good. But, uh, you know, the monsters also feel a lot like we've seen them before. A lot of them.

1:07:33 Yeah. I like What was your favorite monster? Rihanna. Yeah, Rihanna's uh like her scene like seek out her scene. Maybe it's available on YouTube.

1:07:45 Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. By itself. The scene where she performs cuz she keeps changing outfits and different sexy outfits and uh it's pretty entertaining.

1:07:52 I I was I was all in for that. Uh just because like again I think that she had some life to her as a perform. It was like and even Ethan Hawk or Mark McGrath, whoever it is, uh like I loved when the energy just came in like

1:08:06 that's right. It's just like, oh yeah, right. That's uh that's how these things work, these movies.

1:08:10 Yeah. And I love how he gets murdered right in front of Bubble and she's like, I don't want him to be mean to me anymore and he's like, he's not gonna I think you're going to be all right now. He's [ __ ] laying there dead. Yeah. They really kill people with reckless abandon. Um so I guess it's this movie is a is a solid eh maybe uh to watch across the board. Um I give it a thousand stars. Um, let's just go and talk. Doug, what do you uh what do you have that you want to you have obviously your your amazing podcast Doug Loves Movies.

1:08:42 Doug Loves Movies is uh still going strong after 11 years. Wow. Wow. And it's really fun to see a live show. The show's out and about a bunch.

1:08:52 It's always live all across the country and uh got some some shows coming up in LA, too. And uh uh Jessica is going to be back on soon.

1:09:00 I'm available. And Jason and Paul and June are always welcome. Tim could come on and sing a song.

1:09:07 Tim is the best. Tim, come on. Be careful. Tim will show up. He lives here in LA.

1:09:13 I'm into it. I would love that. Like just come up and sing a song. All right. Tim, you're you're the gauntlet has been thrown.

1:09:19 Yeah. Let's see how many how many podcasts Tim can sing poorly on. Oh, I'm not being mean to Tim. Everybody,

1:09:30 you're being nice to music. Um, everybody's so sensitive. Don't be such a snooz. [clears throat]

1:09:39 But, uh, douglosmov.com for, uh, all the future uh dates. Perfect. Uh, Jessica.

1:09:47 Well, we've got a new wamp it up, uh, coming every week, hot and fresh, much like a DeJouro pizza that's not delivered to your door. Um, I don't know when this is airing, but Jason's is the next one. Gutter Balls comes back

1:10:03 uh for his own episode. We really get into it. Don't you worry. And just to give you uh, you know, to toot your horn here, like and the end year and the end year of the best shows on TV, Playing House I've seen written up in so many great publications, the New York Times, everything. Very exciting.

1:10:21 Thank you so much. Yes. And please go watch uh, season three. All all the seasons are on uh iTunes and Amazon

1:10:28 and you can go Alexa by playing house. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Uh Jason, what do you want to talk about?

1:10:35 Um um I am on the TV show Big Mouth on Netflix. The best. It is an animated pubertybased comedy that is very dirty.

1:10:49 It's super dirty. Yeah. If you're wondering if I get a pillow pregnant after I have sex with it, I do. If you're also wondering if that pillow has the voice of Kristen Bell, it does. Um Um And I would also like to plug something that I am not even remotely involved in, but it is The Marvelous Mrs. Masel.

1:11:08 It is on Amazon and it is You just It's fantastic. So, if you haven't watched it yet, go watch that.

1:11:15 Very excited for that. Uh, I will plug the disaster artist which um which uh we Jason June and I all have the uh ability to be in and uh and it's I think it's really really good. We did a special episode about it here, but um if you see it, make sure you stay until the very end of the credits, not just the beginning end credits, like until the credits are over because there's a scene that you don't want to miss out on.

1:11:41 I messed up. I didn't wait for it. It's really good. I didn't think there'd be a [ __ ] MCU scene at the end.

1:11:47 I know. I was shocked that Loki was there. Loki comes to Tommy and goes, "You gave birth to Ry that you have to save her. She's the last Jedi." Um, so, uh, definitely.

1:12:00 Now, you got to [ __ ] this pork. And the pork will [ __ ] out Kyber crystals. Oh, actually, I want to plug one more thing. Yeah.

1:12:08 Paul and I did another EPISODE OF THE CHRIS GARD SHOW. Um um it's I I I honest to God I don't even know where to tell people to go watch it.

1:12:18 I I think you can find it on uh the True TV app or you can find it you can buy it on Apple. Uh but you you can find it. Just find the episode.

1:12:26 It's it's Chris Gthard's talk show. Paul and I just did an episode. We did an episode last year called Another Man's Trash. Um

1:12:32 I don't know what this one is called, but here's the setup. Show us your pets. Show us your pets. Actually, it is what it's called. Chris Gard leaves the show within the first 10 seconds and gives Paul and I one full hour of live television to control.

1:12:45 And we we had no prep time. We had no rehearsal. We did not know what was happening until he walked off and they revealed it to us live. We were live on television. And

1:12:57 if you think we didn't [ __ ] destroy that show, check it out if you can. It really is.

1:13:02 You can definitely watch the 5minute clip reel of it which is on YouTube right now. But it's uh really good. and Chris Gard from the Jazz Singer episode. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. THANK YOU LOS ANGELES. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING BLARIAN. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. BYE-BYE.

1:13:17 HE CAN'T GET IT.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)"?

Doug Benson (Guest).

What is discussed in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)"?

In order: 0:00 Doug Benson, Playing House; 20:00 Valyrian and Laureline; 1:10:00 Playing House, Big Mouth.

What is mentioned in this How Did This Get Made? episode?

5 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Doug Benson, Valyrian and Laureline, Playing House, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Big Mouth. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)"?

The episode runs 1 h 13 min; the transcript is about 13,363 words in 348 timestamped sections.

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