Transcript

Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg

From John R. Miles · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 2 min · 9,926 words · 85 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg", an episode of John R. Miles published February 5, 2026 (1 h 2 min, about 9,926 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including John R. Miles, Dr. Daniel Ellenburg, Strength with Heart, Martin Tim, Vincent.

What this episode is about

The discussion explores the challenges men face as they navigate traditional expectations of masculinity, highlighting how the pressure to prove their strength can lead to vulnerability rather than resilience. Daniel Ellenberg emphasizes the importance of redefining masculinity to incorporate emotional honesty and connection, suggesting that true strength lies in being open about one's vulnerabilities.

Key takeaways

  • Masculinity is a fragile facade; proving it exposes deep vulnerabilities instead of solidifying worth.
  • The moment boys are told 'big boys don’t cry,' they start trading emotional depth for hollow toughness.
  • Precarious manhood theory reveals the absurdity: proving masculinity is a public performance, constantly at risk of failure.
  • Emotional authenticity is more resilient than fragile masculinity; connection beats competition in the long run.
  • Early socialization shapes men to value strength over sensitivity, often leading to a life of disconnection.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Dr. Zach Sidler, Dr. Daniel Ellenburg, John R. Miles, Strength with Heart
  2. – 20:00: Vincent
  3. – 30:00: American Psychological Association, Scott Galloway, Strength with Heart, Jonathan Haidt
  4. – 1:00:00: Rewire Leadership
  5. – 1:02:11: Young Guys Thrive

Notable quotes from "Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg"

  • This for months, so I am so glad we're finally able to do this discussion and we are going to dive deep today into the concept of strength with heart. Daniel, your work spans…
    about Dr. Daniel Ellenburg · at
  • Big problem. And I'd like to live in a world where people don't have to prove that you matter. I know that for you, John, mattering significance is just a core part of your…
    about John R. Miles · at
  • Yeah. So, a few weeks ago, I had Dr.
    about Dr. Zach Sidler · at
  • Friends who ended up taking their own lives and I had been with them both days before the act happened. And the one gentleman, Tim, was this type of person that he was the guy…
    about Martin Tim · at
  • Life. And he was telling me a little bit that he was having issues with his wife, but he didn't tell me that he was experiencing CTE and was having all kinds of ramifications.
    about Vincent · at
  • I respect him. I don't know him personally. I have a great deal of respect for him. I think he's a straight shooter and I think he's got a lot of things right and he's got a lot of.
    about Scott Galloway · at
  • Other people in a heartful and also a decisive way. you mentioned my work with strength with heart and part of the difficulty I see in general in the world is that we seem to split these things off like you're either strong or you're kind.
    about Strength with Heart · at
  • Well, you could write strengthwithheart.com and there's also for my leadership work there's rewireleership.com and my email is ddanielwireleership.com and we will be having some different workshops coming out around this for.
    about Rewire Leadership · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • John R. Miles — Person · Host · 1 mention · first at
    Hosts the Passion Struck podcast and steers the conversation toward masculinity, mattering, and connection, sharing personal stories about friends (Tim, Vincent) and parenting.
  • Dr. Daniel Ellenburg — Person · Main guest · 1 mention · first at
    Primary expert discussing men's emotional development, precarious manhood, vulnerability, connection, and his 'strength with heart' framing; provides practical guidance and resources.
  • Martin Tim — Person · Personal anecdote subject (friend of host) · 4 mentions
    Used as a poignant example of male isolation and suicide risk: a supportive friend who did not disclose his own pain before taking his life.
  • Vincent — Person · Personal anecdote subject (friend of host) · 1 mention · first at
    Second example illustrating hidden suffering: a former NFL player who died by suicide; host learned later about CTE-related issues, underscoring the need for openness and support.
  • Dr. Zach Sidler — Person · Referenced expert (prior guest) · 2 mentions · first at
    Referenced for a striking statistic about men lacking close friends; serves as supporting evidence for the episode’s theme of male isolation.
  • Scott Galloway — Person · Referenced commentator/expert · 2 mentions · first at
    Cited as a prominent voice on modern masculinity; Ellenburg agrees with much of his messaging but critiques/qualifies the 'provide, protect, procreate' framing as incomplete.
  • Naobi Way — Person · Referenced researcher/author · 1 mention · first at
    Cited as a key researcher documenting how boys become emotionally 'armored' early in life, supporting Ellenburg’s argument about early socialization and disconnection.
    The crisis of connection really beginning 3 four years old and you can see these boys Naobi Way has written about this. There's a lot of research Judy Chu there's a lot of…
  • Judy Chu — Person · Referenced researcher/author · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as another researcher whose work supports claims about boys’ early emotional lives and the social pressures that reduce vulnerability and connection.
    See these boys Naobi Way has written about this. There's a lot of research Judy Chu there's a lot of research out here about how these boys really become armored defended…
  • Jonathan Haidt — Person · Referenced expert · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned alongside Scott Galloway as a contemporary voice relevant to the discussion of youth, culture, and social dynamics affecting boys/men.
    Out there talking about this a lot, I immediately think of Scott Galloway and Jonathan hate. What do you think they're getting right? And then what parts of masculinity do you…

Companies & orgs

  • American Psychological Association — Company · Referenced organization · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of Dr. Ellenburgg's involvement and the broader discussion on psychological services for men.
    There's a lot of resistance from a good amount of women about getting services for boys and men. And I'm really tuned into this being involved with American Psychological…

Products & tech

  • Strength with Heart — Product · Business focus · 2 mentions · first at
    A concept and framework discussed by Dr. Daniel Ellenburgg, focusing on integrating strength and heart in masculinity.
  • Rewire Leadership — Product · Business focus · 1 mention · first at
    A leadership program or framework mentioned by Dr. Ellenburgg, likely related to his work on integrating psychological insights into leadership.

Places & events

  • Young Guys Thrive — Event · Upcoming event · 1 mention · first at
    A free conference mentioned by Dr. Ellenburgg focused on helping young men thrive.
    Women together to have these meaningful conversations which I think we need to do. Now, the other thing is I'll send you information if you do contact me at the free conference…

Full transcript with timestamps

If the only way that you can matter in a way is to prove your masculinity, that's a very ineffective and vulnerable way of living. And ironically, that trying to hide vulnerabilities by proving masculinity. But it's ultimately and ironically the most exposed you can potentially be because in proving masculinity, it can always be disproved at any moment. And a lot of guys live like that.

Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host John R. Miles. And on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long- form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators scientists military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become Passion Struck.

I am absolutely thrilled today to have Dr. Daniel Ellenburgg join us on Passion Struck. Welcome, Daniel. How are you doing?

I'm good. Good to be with you, John. Well, we've been talking about doing this for months, so I am so glad we're finally able to do this discussion and we are going to dive deep today into the concept of strength with heart. Daniel, your work spans psychology, leadership, and men's emotional development. But before we get into frameworks and other things like that, what moment first made you realize that the traditional model of masculinity was failing men?

Probably when I was a teenager because I was very aware then as somebody who was fairly athletic but not a star in a way. I was always like in the mix but not on top of the pile in a way and was just aware of hierarchy and proving masculine and proving how tough you were and proving how competent and on top of things you were and that there was just this way that I I would have side conversations with guys who said yeah I feel some insecure I feel like because I was always somebody who would be curious and be willing to ask the questions that most people wouldn't ask and people would say things to me on the side, but it would never really come out in a larger format. And I could see some of the dilletterious impact of having to keep everything close to the chest that in any way involves one's doubts, one's insecurities. And one of the things I've noticed as I got older and wound up becoming a psychologist is that it's

hard being human. I knew that then, but it's very hard being human. And it's baked into the human system that there are threats. And we don't have to look that far to say people feel threatened quite often. And then what do you do with threats? Unmitigated threats will automatically trigger defensive reactions. And I actually think that's part of the biggest difficulties that people have is that tendency to get defensive or not being able to listen and being able to have to push and prove something. And so I've just seen that in terms of the male side of things, this thing about having to prove mascul I have to get my fingers in the right spring. Prove masculinity is really a big problem. And I'd like to live in a world where people don't have to prove that you matter. I know that for you, John, mattering significance is just a core part of your orientation, which to me is hugely important, which is why I'm

interested in you and your work. And if the only way that you can matter in a way is to prove your masculinity, that's a very ineffective and vulnerable way of living. And ironically that trying to hide vulnerabilities by proving masculinity, but it's ultimately and ironically the most exposed you can potentially be because in proving masculinity, it can always be disproved at any moment. And a lot of guys live like that. Just one last thing and then we'll jump into other things. There there's a very wellaccepted theory in the male gender which is called precarious manhood. actually two Florida professors who were the ones who came up with this theory and it's very simple and it was pretty obvious in a way but it's basically that guys grow up learning that they have to prove their masculinity and that proving masculinity is difficult to do and if you have done it supposedly it's easy to lose and it

must be done in public. So there's something about that these public displays of like masculinity that are a big part of the difficulty. You don't have to look that far in the world and see how much of our world is predicated on guys trying to prove how tough they are and how strong they are. It's like great. I think it is important to be resilient and strong. I'm not doubting that in the least. it have if that's the way that you wind up mattering it leads to a life of disconnection. Well, when do you think since we're talking about mattering when do you think that men or boys start internalizing this false sense of who they need to be to feel accepted by the world around them?

Yeah. As a very emotional person, John, I feel sad just even thinking about it, frankly, because it's early, right? Probably like three, four. If you look at early childhood development, little boys are at least as emotionally reactive as little girls. Meaning, they cry probably more often than little girls. They want to be held. They want to be nurtured. They want to connect. And then they start learning these messages from the culture that it's just not very male. What do you need? You don't need mommy. You know, be independent. It's going to get pushed toward premature independence. And there I get shamed for showing vulnerab like crying. Big boys don't cry. These messages are so powerful. And little kids on the playground who are just already doing this thing. I'm a big boy.

I don't need this. I don't, you know, because when they show that, if you really look at how people learn, they learn to avoid pain, that's pain, to get shunned or shamed in some way and to gain pleasure. It's more important to avoid pain than gain pleasure as it turns out. So, we're talking about super early, and that's what happens with a male relationships. They want that super connected. They hold their friends and then they're told that it's gay. hold your boy to want to love your friends and things. It's crazy. And so we see the crisis of connection really beginning 3 four years old and you can see these boys Naobi Way has written about this. There's a lot of research Judy Chu there's a lot of research out here about how these boys really become armored defended against more vulnerable feelings. And the problem is that it is through vulnerability is through our humanness that we are able to connect

with other people. And by saying I'm not like that. I don't feel fear. I don't feel sadness. It's basically like I don't feel right because you don't feel those things you don't feel. I feel anger because anger is a preferred and acceptable male emotion for men. Not all. And but it is what leads us to feel isolated. And we can go a lot into the statistics about what's happening with boys and men, but it's an ugly picture what's emerging out there. And it's very sad and it's preventable.

Yeah. So, a few weeks ago, I had Dr. Zach Sidler from November who I know you you know him personally on the show and one of the most startling statistics he brought up since we were talking about men's isolation is that from what he shared and you shared with me one out of seven men today have no close friends no single best friend and that to me is extremely alarming. Do you think that number is potentially understated? Yes, I do. I mean it. So when I hear one of seven, I think that's wrong. Frankly, I And again, John, we really have to clarify what exactly a close friend means. Like what someone may call a close friend is somebody who they go drinking with. So I don't have that in my definition as a close friend. I have a close friend as somebody who you can be intimate with. And I don't mean intimate in no sense like sexuality. I think of intimacy as the phonetic of like into me seek so that you actually

allow other people in this case other guys to see into you beauty warts and all. And so it is through that I have difficulties. I'm may have a divorce potentially. I may lose a job. Life is challenging and everyone has difficulties. And when we start looking underneath the surface, people suffer. People can be joyous also. I'm not I don't want to paint a picture like everyone's just suffering and in pain all the time. But pain is a part of life. And if you have to hide that all the time, that's a problem. And this is part of what leads guys into drug addiction and the fentanyl crisis, which hits men much more than women. I don't know what the statistics are very, but it's pretty significant. males commit suicide at four times the rate as females. And so I don't think one out of seven is accurate there. And again, it's definitional. What is a close friend?

Yeah, I had what I consider two close friends who ended up taking their own lives and I had been with them both days before the act happened. And the one gentleman, Tim, was this type of person that he was the guy who you could call at 2:00 in the morning, 3:00 in the morning, 8:00 in the morning. It didn't matter. He was always there for you. You could tell him anything. He wasn't judgmental. He was just a good a really good friend. And what was really hard for me in that scenario is when he was hurting the most, he didn't bring it up to me nor any of our other friends and felt that jumping off um the equivalent of the Golden Gate Bridge here in in Tampa was the way to deal with it. And then I had another really good friend, Vincent, uh, who was a former NFL player, pro pro ball wide receiver, who I met with days before he took his own life. And he was telling me a little bit that he was having issues with his wife,

but he didn't tell me that he was experiencing CTE and was having all kinds of ramifications. How do we get men to open up more? Because these are two scenarios where I think in both cases there was help that could have been given to these gentlemen had they just asked for it, but they never did.

Well, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't know that, John. So, I'm sorry to hear that because that's got to be incredibly painful for you. And what a hopeless or helpless feeling you must have had afterward to feel like it was so close. Why didn't you talk to me? like this.

Yes, exactly. And pain of that is difficult because I I've not lost any friends to suicide, but I have friends who have. So, I've had conversations about that. So, it's just to start off with, that's tough stuff in terms of how to deal with it. This is part of the early childhood conditioning. Don't tell people. Don't reveal that you're hurt. Keep it to yourself. Be stoic. By the way, stoicism is fine, by the way. Sometimes it's misunderstood these days. But but if it's only to yourself and not showing anything and withholding all that, that's a major problem. But I do think that in terms of how do we deal with this, it starts early in life and it starts with really that we give men the latitude to have an emotional life.

It's absurd to even be talking like this like you need that. But I think that's true. They're giving them it's fine to be somebody who has difficulties in life. And that a healthy approach to dealing with difficulties is compassion. And compassion is not something that has been seen as a particularly male trait. This is an area I've looked at quite a lot in self-compassion. Forget about it. Like really, you're hurting. Buck up. Grow a pair. Man up. All these lessons that guys learn teach them to not speak about when they're really hurting like that. So, you can imagine that your friends had this like your first friend who was very open to hearing from you or other people about when you were having difficulties, but not so much for him.

He had it one side of the equation which is he knew it was for him it was fine that other people could be hurting and he would be a good ear before them a good ear and a good heart but not him like somehow he's left out of that dance and why is that you know what did he learn I don't know the guy obviously I don't know his father was like but he probably got these messages in his family and his school church about being strong tough of stoic and it takes resonance. I have a term I call psychois you know how we learn how we absorb through the permeable membranes of the brain these messages the culture and once inside they take resonance and they become part of our character or characteristics and so as much as some part of them would want to reach out say John I'm hurting I need to talk I it's like oh that there's this stop gap there and this is part of the pain I part of what I did for 40 years

is I'd led weekly men's groups where guys would come in and they would really talk about their lives, beauty warts and all. And so we weren't just looking at what's wrong.

It's like for people to credit for their accomplishments and their their goodness and their decency. Yes.

Honor what's beautiful in you and also to deal with and be open and transparent with where you have difficulty which goes against some cultural messages. And so the culture and the messages are really powerful. Frankly, I'm 72 years old and I've been at this sort of looking at the men's stuff 47 years ago. A long time ago. I thought things would be very different right now than they are. It's this is a virus that seems to have a very persistent afterlife. I just want to quantify, Daniel, something that you just said because you said you have facilitated men's groups for four decades. When I think about that's well over 10,000 hours, right? I mean, that's a lot of time.

From you observing these different men that you've interacted with, when do you find men finally stop performing? Because I think a lot of us are wearing a mask and start telling the truth. Great question. We we look for others to show up in a different way. What what would happen in groups is that guys would come in and they'd be watching like what are the rules here? What can I say? Am I going to get tossed out if I'm show something and you know that some part of them is there because they want to connect there. No, no question that connecting is a core motivation for being there. And then they'll watch somebody who's been in the group say say express something that's quite vulnerable and get supported and acknowledged for that and they're watching this and go wow the rules here are different. I grew up with if you show something like that just pipe down, cut it off, keep it in. But actually

here, the principles and the rules are different. And so they feel like they're on a different planet in a certain way and observing it. And they see that when that somebody is vulnerable and has the courage to open their emotional kimona, so to speak, that they're acknowledged for that. And good on you. And that they It leads toward a deeper connection and that they have a sense of brotherhood and familiarity there that it's incentivizing to do that and it builds over time and it also leads to being people being able to call each other.

I don't like calling out but I like the term of calling in. like saying, "Guy, dude, you're like being really reactive and defensive. What's really going on here?" And to me, that's part of the deal because on some level, we get back to mattering that when somebody is willing to in a heartful way be able to call someone out and say, "I'm doing this because I care, not because I'm trying to shame you." That's very powerful. And it's saying to the other person, you matter and I'm doing this because you matter. For some reason, I I was thinking about John Wooden of the famous UCLA basketball coach who's teams won 10 national championships in 12 years. And one of the things he said about a really good coach is a coach is someone who can give criticism without causing resentment.

You know, which I like. We need feedback. I know that the defended and reactive person I was, not that I don't have any defenses of reactivity and certainly still do, but who I was, I wouldn't be who I am without my brothers. And literally over the years, I've had people call me in and say, "Do you better than that?" I'm feeling very emotional right now, I think, because in in some way I'm suffering from just observing what's going on in our country and the world. And it's just it's not the love fest that I dream of. And I I want men to be better. And it scares me really when I see some of the young men who are going into the dark reaches of the internet and the manosphere and learning these that somehow you have to control women and be in charge and be dominant. This is not a world of relationship at all like that. And I'm really concerned about it, frankly. So, this is part of my own journey right now is not

leading men's groups anymore, but actually being more involved with trying to make a larger world difference.

On that front, you've written a lot about transcending limited aspects of traditional male roles. And when I think of some of your contemporaries who are out there talking about this a lot, I immediately think of Scott Galloway and Jonathan hate. What do you think they're getting right? And then what parts of masculinity do you think are misunderstood beyond what they're talking about? Or do you think they have it all covered?

Well, let's take Scott Galloway for starters. I respect him. I don't know him personally. I have a great deal of respect for him. I think he's a straight shooter and I think he's got a lot of things right and he's got a lot of important messages. I'm not convinced about the what guys need to do is provide, protect, and procreate, which is a core message of his. I do believe in providing and protecting and I certainly procreate because we're not going to have a species if we don't do that. But I I think that there are other things that have to that are I would accent more the courage to be vulnerable. I think he is quite vulnerable himself and willing to be courageous. I don't think there's anything that I would say that he would necessarily disagree with, but I think I might accent something more than others in in terms of Richard Reeves who's wrote become a household name for a lot of people these days and writing a book

and I think that what he's doing is great. He's not a clinician, a therapist, a coach. He's a researcher, which is great. But he's actually made the case that is really important to make about how guys are suffering and we can walk and chew bubble gum at the same time. By helping boys and men, we're not hurting girls and women. And this is the area that drives me frankly the craziest. This binary thinking and I'm very frustrated by it. And why is it there's all this push back about having services for boys and men these days? It's bizarre to me. And I think part of it has to do with a kind of binary thinking that if you're doing this for this, you're hurting this. It's like really if we're going to rise, we're going to rise together. And I think part of the problem is as I I think about this little cartoon I saw years ago, these two guys who are on a little little dingy and there's two holes in the back

of the boat and they're on the front of the boat. They're on a body of water and one of them says to the other, "Thank God we're in the front of the boat." Well, hello. That ain't going to help you. You may get a couple more minutes out of this, but that's not going to help. And that's part of my concern. And I'm part of what I'm become increasingly interested in is really how do we bring men and women together? I'm excited about all the work that's going on with men and boys and work that's going with girls and women. I'm not seeing men and women coming together and having the important conversations. There's still this kind of adversarial relationship. And there are a lot of women who they don't trust men and for many good reasons. I'm not saying that men have been lovely toward women quite the contrary. And again, I'm not trying to put all men into one category. But there's a lot of resistance from a good

amount of women about getting services for boys and men. And I'm really tuned into this being involved with American Psychological Association and

some of the things that are going on politically like why is there this resistance because I do think that there's a suspicion that when men get together they're plotting against women. Now that may be true for some men. I'm not doubting that. men. Some of these guys who are just hate women haters and they just want to dominate women and like what Nick Fuentes is your body my choice. That's sick completely. But we really, I think, pay too much attention to these extreme voices on the left or right and not enough to all the people who want more colleiality and cooperation and compassion and because they don't the algorithms don't follow them. They're not as outrageous. That's good. Most of us want goodness in the world. We want positive relationships.

We want love. We want safety. We want security. We don't want to hurt other people, but there are these extremes that get too much of the attention and then everyone tends to think or a lot of people think, "Well, that must be the way it is." But it's really not the way it is.

Back during Mother's Day, we have recently moved to a new area in Tampa Bay. So, I was out shopping for new churches, trying to feel for one that best fit me. And I happened to go to this service on Mother's Day and it was a really interesting talk that the pastor did. He welcomed all the families with kids one to three up on stage and they did a great ceremony. But then his message was completely directed at men in the room and the room was overflowing this day. And he basically gave this message that we are outsourcing the role that we are supposed to be playing not only from a spiritual sense but from a parenting sense from a partner sense and he said it's like we think we're properly doing parental involvement when we drop our kids off to Sunday school but then don't reinforce it any other day of the week. We do the same thing in our relationships where we think we're being a good husband or a

good partner, but we're not showing up and playing our role and we're creating a vacuum. Do you agree at all with what he has to say?

Yes. But when you say at all, I'd say yes. I think it's also important, and this may be rather controversial from what I'm going to say, but screw it. I think that there are a lot of women who don't want men to play more of a role that a lot of women do want men to play more of a role. But I think it's important to also recognize that there is a certain level of dominion that a lot of women have held in the hearth in the home being with the children that they relish and they may not trust their husband or other men around the children on some level but they're not necessarily supportive of that. There are a lot of women who are again I'm not a big broad brushstroke person. I don't put all women in one category all men.

People are different ways. I do think a lot of men do grow up in general not learning about how to nurture, how to be there with their children in a way and they're just not steeped in the land of relationship. And that's part of I think what this pastor was speaking about and I agree with that. I think that is a it's a problem and that a lot of guys just need to on some level get some basic education around how do you be a good father? How do you be a good man and how do you actually show up for other people in a heartful and also a decisive way. you mentioned my work with strength with heart and part of the difficulty I see in general in the world is that we seem to split these things off like you're either strong or you're kind insane somehow if you're strong but you show care that makes you weaker really

I don't think so at all but this is part of the difficulties that we're seeing in general eneral that and I I see that some of it's changing and some of it has to do with when athletes will come out and will show a tender side of themselves and I do think that there's a lot of ways that guys in general can be and are compassionate that isn't recognized as that. I was remembering like in the Olympics when the the gymnast team one of the guys I think there were five of them. One of them who was considered like the best on the horse I think it was and he fell off of it and he was devastated. He prover between the legs and one of his teammates came up to him. They showed this and he put his arm around him. You know I just thought that was a beautiful moment of showing compassion. that all the time. Even football player, somebody goes down, everyone's there, a kicker misses a field goal when the placeholder

put arm around them. Well, even recently when John Harbaugh was let go by the Ravens, there have been a lot of reports that so many of the superstars on the team came into his office crying.

Oh, I hadn't heard that. Yes. Showing the support that they had for him. So, it's really powerful for me to see the symbolism of those types of acts because you you don't see it very often these days.

I don't know if you've ever seen it that often, but I think you're seeing it more these days. And that's where I get heartened when I see guys being able to show that side of themselves, which is really important. And I think that again, I don't know everything that this pastor said to go back to that for a moment, but I think it's I think it's a powerful message he was given. Really, I just wouldn't want it to be a shaming message. And I don't know how he did it in a way because you can call guys out in a way that's shaming. Call them in a way that's supportive. I think what he was trying to say, and a little bit of it was shaming the way he preached, but I think what he was trying to say is you can't yourself ever feel like you're going to matter if you're absentee in making any of the loved ones around you feel like they matter. And if you're absent being a husband, if you're absent being

the parent that your kids need, if you're absent being the spiritual head of the household, then what example are you setting by being an absentee person? And I know for me personally th this was a difficult element when I became a parent because my father had a very difficult upbringing. My grandfather who I never met was physically abusive to my father. He was a very bad drunk and I think never showed my father how to parent. And so when I was growing up and it was much better for my younger brother, but for me many of the years he was an absent parent and he used to travel 230 240 days a year during most of my upbringing. And I realized as my son was 1, two, three years old, I was starting to follow into some of his patterns. And it was very difficult for me to not only realize it, but to correct it because we tend to gravitate towards the examples we're given. And I didn't want to be that type of parent.

But it was very difficult to change that path. I'm so happy I have because both my kids are so much better as a result of it. But I think that's what that pastor was trying to say.

Okay, that's totally fair. How curious, how did you notice that you were starting to follow in the footsteps of your father, you know, in a way that didn't feel right. I think part of it was just in the emotions and and the way that my my son would show disappointment toward me. And you could see it in subtle ways where he was pulling more and more away. I think if anyone isn't a parent and they have dogs, you probably see it in in your pets when they come up to you and they want to be loved upon and you don't give them the attention that they want and they put their head between their tail and walk away because you're not giving them the attention. I think I think kids give you the same type of subtle or not so subtle signals. I just re remember it it hitting me and I had to be really mindful about what it became a completely different paradigm shift for me. If I want my son to grow up to be

the man that I hope he becomes, then the person he's looking at to learn that from is me. So I need to be the example of what he sees and what I want him to become somewhere down the line. And then it also becomes a conversation with their mother about the roles that we're going to be we're going to be playing. Meaning it can't always be the father who's the disciplinarian. Both of them have to play those roles or the child will never come to the person who's always doing the punishing and be vulnerable with them. So it took some give and take on all sides. Well, I think it it says something about you as a person and as a man that you were in touch enough with your emotions to be able to recognize that because I can imagine I'm pretty sure you can of how many guys they're so conditioned to be hard and harsh and like just buck up kid and just close their hearts to their children in this case to their son that

it wouldn't penetrate them in a way that would lead toward a an attitudal and behavioral change, right? And so for you that wasn't the case. So there was something either in your nature or something that allowed you to see that and to respond to that.

Yeah. And I'm not ever going to say I was a perfect parent. And I had a very demanding career. And there were times where that took too much precedence, especially as I got more senior. And I look back and there are definitely regrets I have, especially as my kids were getting older and I was getting more senior, that I'd like to have some doovers. But I think that's why we're best positioned to try to help the people we once were. So that's a big part of my message that I try to give out is I just did a solo episode that we stop building an architecture of success and start building an architecture of significance and that really starts with the connections that are closest to your heart. I don't know if you've ever come across the work of Dr. Steven Post, but he has this book called Pure Unlimited Love. And I happened to talk to him and then I talked to Mark Nepo and we both were talking about this topic of love.

And they both gave the same definition of what unlimited love really is. And that is when you are about to close your eyes for the last time, who are the people that you want to look at that one last moment that you have? And that's really a moment of unlimited love. But I don't think we we approach love in our lives with that intentionality so to speak.

No. But what one thing if I may note here which I'm going to is that when I acknowledged you about that you saw that and you responded to that you were very quick to say well I could have been better and I was I wasn't perfect. I wasn't like that. I don't know how much you actually took and that you did do a lot. And I'm saying that because I just see it all the time with people. It's just a kind of much more of a focus on what you didn't do than what you did in a way. And I think that it's important to take in the good, right, in this case. And no one's perfect. People screw up. I have no belief in the word perfect at all. I think it's a terrible word and I think people hold themselves to absurd standards, you know, in a way and we all mess up. The thing that really is most important in terms of parenting is when you mess up as a parent, acknowledge it.

That working as a psychologist for as many decades as I did, I can tell you that the thing that drives people really up the wall is when the parent never admitted they were wrong. never apologized, never said, "I yelled at you because actually I felt threatened at work and I was just totally stressed out and I took it out on you. I'm really sorry about that." But that's the kind of stuff that people feel like that wasn't fair. But they also think like it's because of me that you are suffering and they take it on the children take it on in a way that it's all their fault. And I'm a believer in just taking responsibility for, okay, you screwed up. I know you do that. So, I'm sure you're not in that camp that I'm talking about at all. But it's it's also the importance of just acknowledging that yes, there's goodness. I was a much better father

than my father was. Right. And take that in. Yes. because I I do think this whole topic we're talking about masculinity is a generational thing and the gap is widening because as I I guess masculinity starts to to fade generationally, the gap keeps getting bigger and bigger. And so that's why I think in a lot of ways it's becoming harder to close. And it's so interesting to me to see the disconnection that men are also having from pursuing education, purpose, and community. And

what happens psychologically when men lose viable pathways to meaning? Great question. Nothing good for sure.

That's for sure. If you think about some of the prime drivers of life, purpose, meaning is way up there in there. And that's part of the problem with a lot of young guys is that they don't have a sense of purpose or meaning. What's the point? They look out in the world and this is really the first time in American history for sure, where the next generation has less prospects than the one before and maybe the one before that. So, it's always been, oh, well, my child and my children are going to have it easier than I had it. Well, now it's actually quite not like that. It's to have a college degree, but there's no guarantee of anything. And if you don't have a college degree as a guy, boy, it the prospects are awful. I have a colleague who is who's researching men who don't have college degrees and it's a pretty bleak situation and reality is that women most people are heterosexual.

Women are looking for guys who are upwardly mobile on some level who who have who actually can create resources and it's not going to fall on them or they want support and understandably and if the possibilities are not out there to be successful, it's a bad thing. This is part of what's leading to this malaise and this the manosphere type stuff and the fentanyl overdoses and this death deaths of despair and suicide and all that kind of stuff. It's it is a crisis of meaning, a crisis of purpose there. And so I don't know really what the way out is.

Certainly, there's got to be more kind of social support and I'm not thrilled with some of the attitudes in the United States around everyone's got to pull themselves up by the bootstrap and like we shouldn't have social support for No, not at all. But I do think that it's all and when we speak about education, there's just not a lot of enough focus on how do you create a life of meaning. Do you remember John and when you were in in elementary school, middle school or high school when they're saying let's they let's have a course on how to create a sense of purpose and meaning in life.

Yeah. A a children's version of start with why. Right. Exactly. And so what it's if I were to like be able to pick do throw all the cards down the ground and pick up the deck in a way that's quite different than it is. I'd make a lot of changes. Education is one of those major areas where we're not educating people well enough. Because if you think about education as preparation for living a full and and good and decent life, we're not doing a good job. And certainly that's the case with guys who are just not oriented towards school. We're not getting we could go off. I know we don't have time for this today, but this there are so many problems with how with schools and education.

I I think about it in terms of the etmology there there's a one one part of education educare which is to put in from without imparting knowledge to and that's generally what we see in our educational systems. We're going to put this into you and sometimes it's going to take resonance and you're going to be fine with that. But the other part is educ which is to draw out from within. We don't do that at all. that's like completely absent from education. And how do you help people bring out what is within them? There's a Paul the Apostle was quoted and who knows if this is true or not, but it was like if you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

And I think that's really part of powerful words. Yes. Aren't they powerful words?

They are. They are. And I think about even the sense of mattering or purpose like people have within them this creative impulse boys, girl just it's it wants to create and we can look in the world and a lot of things incredible things have been created by human beings. There's no question about that. But I think each individual has something that wants to come out and wants to flourish, wants to thrive and needs the proper environment to nurture and help vitalize that which wants to come forth. And I don't think we're doing a very good job at creating those types of containers and context for that. And I think that we need to really have more groups, more education around how do you actually nurture and support your own creative impulses.

Yeah, I Yeah, I think that's a good line of thinking, Daniel, because what I think about all the time is when men don't feel that they're needed and they don't know that they matter, they don't get that reciprocity felt back to them. Then they replace it with all kinds of things that are causing them to to feel numb and apathetic and unseen. And I think that's one of the biggest contagions that we're dealing with in the world right now.

100%. Exactly as you put it. Why do you think these simp I want to talk about social media and the types of people that men are gravitating towards for these people who've lost that gap? Why do these simplistic online identities that focus on like hyperdominance, grievance, contempt feel so appealing to these men who are struggling?

It's certain. It's it's it's certainty. This is what you do. this is how you do it. See, these guys come across as hyperconfident, never in doubt, never wrong. They know what's going on and they're going to tell you exactly what you need to do and just put on your big boy pants and just go out and do it and you'll be a confident, secure, and successful man. On the one hand, that guys want to be confident, secure, and successful. That's appealing. But certainty is absurd and we always have to deal with ambiguity and complexity. And the challenge is that we're not really sure what to do at a certain point to acknowledge you're not sure, right? That doesn't mean you're insecure or that you're weak. It means that you're actually seeing that there are so many circumstances that are you're just not sure about. So if you can actually start to learn and listen to yourself more and go inward and feel

what feels right, a kind of intuition there that is something that is only generated from within. Now obviously you're going to be taking in outer resources and you want to talk to other people and listen be open to feedback, right? Because that's part of how we populate our inner world is through the outer world. And we're dealing with that ongoing dynamic between inner and outer. These guys on the internet are just telling you just do this and you got have it done. And that's appealing. And wouldn't that be nice if it were that simple? Just do A, B, and C and everything will be fine. But it turns out that it's not. What is it? They said, "For every complex problem, there's a solution that's simple, neat, and wrong."

And that's part of the difficulty is that we're living in an increasingly complex world, and people don't know what to do. It's freaking scary. It's destabilizing. And we're living in an increasingly destabilized and destabilizing world. And simple solutions, they're lovely ideas. and just be tough, be strong, we're going to go back to that. There's something that's appealing about that. And women want much more from men now than they used to. And we're going to be provid protector procreator many times in history. And that worked it. That's the way it work. It it was fine because that's where we were from our evolutionary history. But that's not where we are right now.

Yeah. It's a very different world and it's a very confusing world and I think that we need to really be much more focused on how to develop self-nowledge or selves knowledge as it were because we have different aspects of ourselves and be able to draw on that inner world and to be able to have groups of people who you can actually talk with and explore with and what do you think about that? I see the world so differently now than I used to. And not because I've come up with any great insights myself. Some perhaps, but most of it's been through the learning from other people and being open, you know, to that. And I know like for you in your podcast and in your work, you're teaching people, you're giving people opportunities to learn more about themselves and to really find a way to create a life of mattering because you've come to to realize and I totally agree with you on this that if people don't believe that

they matter, nothing else matters. Right. Well, I started to look at so many of what I'm now calling the symptoms that we're naming in society. The loneliness epidemic, people feeling burned out, people feeling hopeless, whatever it is, all of those when I started to look at it, they all connect back to the feeling of antimatter.

Yeah. And that's why these things are happening. Exactly. So, so that's why this is so important to me because you've got to fix the human operating system to get this back in place because it's we're systematically from the time our kids enter school to how social media operates today to how the workforce operates, we're systematically taking bits of mattering away from people o over the course of years. And it's like dmia. You don't realize that you're depressed because it's happening so gradually that over time you reach a hockey stick where before you know it, you're experiencing severe depression, but it's happened over such a long period of time. Same thing with burnout that when it finally hits you, you don't realize all the micro moments that have occurred that lead up to it. And that's exactly what I think is happening.

The frog doesn't realize it's being boiled, right? Yes, exactly. And so I agree with you completely. And if you think about mattering, you and I have talked a little bit about this and I know you spoke with my wife about it. It's really the territory of significance. Significance and mattering are basically the same. And when you think about early childhood development, that little being comes into the world, tabulasa, nothing's what you ever been around little be I don't they're just can't like really orient. And so and they have to learn somehow that they matter. They matter enough that people care about them. They're giving them.

They're resources. They're attending to them. they when your kid comes up and grabs you by the don't bother me now I'm doing work right that's a statement that you don't matter what I'm doing is more important you're not important because underneath mattering significance and sense like you're important like you you deserve to exist and so many people they go through their entire lives and they feel like they I don't even deserve to be here and that's part of what And it's like how do you show people that they matter? And part of my always concern is we just ignore other people. Just don't walk past him. Don't acknowledge. Don't like it's like it's a sad state of affairs. But again, it really has to do with you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution. And to be someone who gets out there and says, you know what, I'm going to show other people that they matter, right? I'm going to be the kind of

person who acknowledges other people and holds them to certain standards and tries to acknowledge that they at a minimum deserve to exist. That they're not someone just to ignore or disregard or just shun or push off to the side. But it's about how do we expand to include other people rather than how do we contract to exclude them.

Couldn't agree more. Daniel, I have two last questions for you. For a man who's stayed with us this far in the conversation listening, who recognizes himself and the strength at all costs model, what's one small non-threatening shift that can begin real change for him?

Find someone and talk about your how you feel strong in yourself and how you doubt yourself. Be more open. take more risks. We tend to see courage. Courage is actually one of the strength with hard guideposts. Tend to see courage as the willingness to run into a burning building, which it is courage. I'm not doubting that. But there's a courage that I don't think people tend to think about which I call interpersonal courage which is the willingness to be to share beauty warts and all about yourself as openly as possible with at least one other person ideally in groups but certainly one other person. It's part of why people go to therapy go into counseling or coaching in some way that they can disclose to others. And it turns out that willingness to disclose to others is actually part of what leads people to develop more self-awareness.

And self-awareness is deeply connected to leadership and positive relationships. It's actually one of our guideposts also is awareness or noticing. And so I would say go out, take some interpersonal risks and have the belief in yourself that even if it doesn't go well, you're going to survive. this it's not a survival issue for you but you need to do this in order to bring your insights into the world and the way you bring your insights into the world is through relationships with other people. So that's one thing I would say and I think another is that the willingness to look into yourself and to recognize that you have strengths also. I think part of the reason why I was saying when I said to you earlier about hey that's cool that you essentially were to be a good father in that regard and when you saying well it wasn't perfect that kind of thing. I wanted you and this isn't like a this is

common so I'm not trying to call you out at all on this is to say yes I do have strengths and I have done good things. I think a lot of times people are just so miserly with themselves around just acknowledging what is what's cool about them and what's good you know. So this is not about taking some self-inventory about all the horrible things and everything like that. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about being measured about this and being judicious and being able to say this is these are positive things about me. These are not so positive things about me. What can I do to make a difference? And it turns out that one of the best things you can do is to be in relationships with other people in a very in an open and transparent way, but finding the right people to do that with. And sometimes you trust someone and you're wrong.

But that's the courage part. Yeah. Then you go like, how do I learn from this? And how do I course correct? And that didn't work.

But don't give up. I've seen so many people I show I talked to somebody once and he chained me and I'm never going to do it again. Come on. Seriously, you're going to give up that easily? No. Don't do that. Don't do that. stand up for yourself and stand in yourself and just go, I'm going to keep pushing forward no matter what and not don't give up. Thank you for that, Daniel. And I had this last question. If you had the opportunity to redefine masculinity in a single sentence for the next generation of boys, what would you want them what would you want them to know about strength, heart, and who they're allowed to be?

I would want them to be more interested in being a whole and integrated person than to be seen as masculine. I don't I it's like this word masculine is something I've John you can't imagine how much time I've spent thinking about this about toxic masculinity or healthy masculinity masculinity m and I hear it all the time and there's a part of me that goes I wish we didn't even have the word like I wish that weren't even that didn't even exist like guys didn't have to prove something about masculinity or that they're your mass, whatever that means, it's fine. See, part of the difficulty is that there are words that are considered to be or traits are considered masculine, independent, tough, strong, take not these are masculine traits. Feminine traits are nurturing and kind and compassionate and being able to listen. And so that's part of the problem is that we call these traits masculine or feminine. And I

don't think that's healthy. I think that really what I want to see is a world where women can have the same all those traits. They can be aggressive. They can be confident. They can be things that are seen as masculine. Men can be nurturing and kind and compassionate and do things and be in a way that ways are seen as feminine. And so I wouldn't want to really deconstruct it from the beginning and question is it you're trying to be masculine. I know from I feel male whatever that means. I don't feel I'm a guy. I've always been very guyish whatever that means in a certain way. I like sports. I think women like sports too, right? So I I don't I think that we limit ourselves by trying to fit ourselves into these little boxes that are called masculine or feminine or this or that. And so I want to I want to kind of world where people can be more expansive. So I may not have answered your question in a

way that you were looking for, but that's how how I see it. Well, Daniel, I loved having you here today. For people who want to learn more about what we've been talking about, where are the best places for them to learn more about you and your work?

Well, you could write strengthwithheart.com and there's also for my leadership work there's rewireleership.com and my email is ddanielwireleership.com and we will be having some different workshops coming out around this for guys. But I will tell you, John, part of what my newer inspiration is to really bring men and women together and to have more meaningful conversations because I am heartened by all the work that's going on with boys and men these days. And I'm starting to feel like it's a crowded field in a way, which is great, but I'm what is a very uncrowded field is is really bringing men and women together. And I think we really need to be doing that more. part of my kind of newer thinking and I have a partner who is actually one of the founders of men living which is a great organization for men. It's really about bringing men and women together to have these meaningful conversations which I think we we need

to do. Now, the other thing is I'll send you information if you do contact me at the free conference we have coming up June 12th, which is called Young Guys Thrive, which is going to be focused on how do we help young guys thrive and not just get by and really look at the challenges and the opportunities for young guys these days because they're the future, right? And if we're going to have a paradigm shift, they got to be part of it big time. So, I'm hoping that in my old age, I can help inspire them to aspire to be better and to be strong and heartful men as you are, John. And I want to just acknowledge you for the work you're doing and the heart and the strength that you show in doing this because I know it's not easy all the time to keep doing this and doing this work and to be putting out your good work in the world.

Good for you. So, thank you for being you and doing the work you're doing in the world.

Thank you so much, Daniel. It was such an honor to have you today and I hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead of you.

Thank you.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg"?

John R. Miles (Host), Dr. Daniel Ellenburg (Guest), Martin Tim (Host), Vincent (Host), Dr. Zach Sidler (Guest), Scott Galloway (Referenced commentator/expert).

What is "Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg" about?

The discussion explores the challenges men face as they navigate traditional expectations of masculinity, highlighting how the pressure to prove their strength can lead to vulnerability rather than resilience. Daniel Ellenberg emphasizes the importance of redefining masculinity to incorporate emotional honesty and connection, suggesting that true strength lies in being open about one's…

What is mentioned in this John R. Miles episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including John R. Miles, Dr. Daniel Ellenburg, Strength with Heart, Martin Tim, Vincent, Rewire Leadership. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Why Men Are Quietly Breaking And No One Noticed THIS? | Daniel Ellenberg"?

The episode runs 1 h 2 min; the transcript is about 9,926 words in 85 timestamped sections.

More from John R. Miles

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 5, 2026.