Transcript

KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY

From Kill Tony · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 2 h 9 min · 22,492 words · 637 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY", an episode of Kill Tony published November 4, 2025 (2 h 9 min, about 22,492 words). It mentions 27 people, works and ideas, including Kill Tony, Stevie, Tim Butterly, Danny Yang, Sam Tripoli.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 15:00: Martin Phillips, Kill Tony, Sam Tripoli, D Madness
  2. – 30:00: Stevie, Zip Recruiter, Blue Chew, Tim Butterly
  3. – 45:00: Danny Yang, Annie Titer, Tim Butterly
  4. – 1:00:00: Danny Yang, Austin Film Festival, D Madness, Kill Tony
  5. – 1:15:00: Sarah Klein, D Madness, Danny Yang, Sam Tripoli
  6. – 1:30:00: Kill Tony, Amazon, Danny Yang, JFC Entertainment
  7. – 1:45:00: Kill Tony, Spectrum, Tim Butterly, Amazon
  8. – 2:00:00: Kill Tony
  9. – 2:09:15: Sam Tripoli, Tim Butterly, Kill Tony, Martin Phillips

Notable quotes from "KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY"

  • THIS, IS, REDNECK, COMING, TO, YOU, LIVE, FROM THE COMEDY MOTHERSHIP HERE IN AUSTIN Texas for a brand NEW EPISODE OF KILL TONY. GIVE IT UP FOR TONY SQUARE.
    about Kill Tony · at
  • This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar.
    about D Madness · at
  • We love him. Make some [ __ ] noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly.
    about Tim Butterly · at
  • Time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful Martin Phillips, everybody. And here we go.
    about Martin Phillips · at
  • [ __ ] energy of this. This should be interesting. Make some noise, everyone for Stevie. Stevie. Patia, Beach,, Thailand., I'm, standing, out in the front of the girls go-go club and I can't wait to go inside. Here's what I.
    about Stevie · at
  • This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. What if you could consistently find exactly what it is that you're looking for? Well, we're talking everything from parking spots to.
    about Zip Recruiter · at
  • Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang. Everybody, we're going to meet Danny Yang right now here on Hilton.
    about Danny Yang · at
  • It's Sarah Klein, everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time.
    about Sarah Klein · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Stevie — Person · 12 mentions · first at
  • Tim Butterly — Person · 10 mentions · first at
  • Danny Yang — Person · 10 mentions · first at
  • Sam Tripoli — Person · 8 mentions · first at
    We love him. Make some [ __ ] noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly.
  • Martin Phillips — Person · 5 mentions · first at
  • Sarah Klein — Person · 5 mentions · first at
  • D Madness — Person · 4 mentions · first at
  • Annie Titer — Person · 2 mentions · first at
    All right, everybody. your next bucket pool. We're going to meet her all together. Make some noise for Annie Titer or teacher perhaps. I've I've been dating and it's been pretty bad. I'm not gay, but I'm.
  • Brian Red Band — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Brian Red Band, the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa. How we doing.
  • Fernando Castillo — Person · 1 mention · first at
    The land, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here?
  • Raul Vallejo — Person · 1 mention · first at
    The land, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here?
  • Carlos Sosa — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here?
  • Michael Gonzalez — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Attention. No, we're good. No, don't don't worry. Don't worry about a thing right? How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody? This is the great Matt Muelling on the…
  • Matt Muelling — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Right? How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody? This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar.
  • John D — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Gonzalez, everybody? This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar.
  • Ari — Person · 1 mention
  • Heidi — Person · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • Talkspace — Company · 3 mentions · first at
  • Amazon — Company · 2 mentions · first at
    YEAH., I, got, my, job, back, at, Amazon,, which I lost on my first kill. Tony you, lost, because, of, talking, about, it, on the show.
  • Spectrum — Company · 2 mentions · first at
    I, would, I'll, be, pretty, pissed, if, they were You still want Spectrum?
  • Austin Film Festival — Company · 1 mention · first at
    I'm, a, I'm, a, screenwriter., I'm, here for the Austin Film Festival.
  • JFC Entertainment — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah,, that's, where, I, started., comedy, was up in New York and then like I ran JFC Entertainment out here just running shows in Austin for two years.

Concepts & topics

Places & events

  • Patia Beach — Place · 1 mention · first at
    For Stevie. Stevie. Patia, Beach,, Thailand., I'm, standing, out in the front of the girls go-go club and I can't wait to go inside. Here's what I saw. FIRST GIRL COMES OUT completely naked. Had really great chest hair.
  • Time Square — Place · 1 mention · first at
    I'm, probably, going, to, be, in, Time Square barking for my show cuz I only sold like 12 tickets so far.

Sponsors

  • Zip Recruiter — Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
  • Blue Chew — Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Redban Tony., Bluechu, is, providing, the, best, ED treatment out there. I carry my encyclopedia brick tanica everywhere I.

Full transcript with timestamps

YEAH. THIS, IS, REDNECK, COMING, TO, YOU, LIVE, FROM THE COMEDY MOTHERSHIP HERE IN AUSTIN Texas for a brand NEW EPISODE OF KILL TONY. GIVE IT UP FOR TONY SQUARE. Who's ready FOR THE BEST [ __ ] night of their lives? Huh?

Brian Red Band, the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and uh Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here? Almost seems like something happened with the audio or something that threw everybody off or something. Did you notice that? No, you didn't. All right I guess I'm the only one paying attention. No, we're good. No, don't don't worry. Don't worry about a thing right? How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody?

This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. And now we're on our first commercial break.

What, happened, with, the, audio? The, audio, on, mic, one, wasn't, on, upon arrival. Yeah. The number one rule. Kino, do you have a spotlight for yourself so that you could light yourself up right now?

You guys ready to start tonight's [ __ ] show or what? Anything can happen. This is the greatest live show in the world. I pride myself on being an unbelievable booker of guests. And this week it is the [ __ ] boys. One is uh they're both two of the greatest stand-ups in the world. One got my [ __ ] career started at the comedy store 18 and 1/2 years ago by taking me on the road showing me how the [ __ ] it's done. One of my first ever favorite comedians in the world and he is in Austin, Texas. The other one lives in Austin. One of the most powerful comedians. Moved here.

We love him. Make some [ __ ] noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly. Everybody Sam Tripoli is back. Tim Butterly is back. Oh boy. Sam Tripoli is on tour. The Tinfoil Hat podcast, the Broken Simulations Podcast The Deep Waters Podcast. A lot of conspiracy podcasts going on with the great Sam Tripoli. Sam, how are you?

I'm, doing, great., I, love, your, sweet voice, brother. I love that sweet, sweet voice.

Thank, you., It's, good, to, be, able, to, hear. Turn, up, his, mic. That's, right., It's, good, to, hear, it., Uh, how about a hand for the great Tim Butterly, everybody. Tim Butterly has Dad Meat is his podcast and the Tim Butterly Show. He's on tour as well. Tim Butterley.com. Hi, Tim. I'm just playing. It's working. I'm just kidding. Don't Hold on. No, I'm just I just I thought it would be so funny if Tony had a second [ __ ] meltdown.

Yes. How, dare, you,, Kino? How, dare, you? I, wanted, to, steal, that, so, badly, when, he said it. I'm like, I'm going to let him do it. That's very sweet of you. Thank you Sam.

We're, going, to, have, a, blast., You, guys have been on the show numerous times. Sam was one of the first guests ever on the show 13 and a half years ago. Tonight, over 300 human beings signed up. They are crammed in together at a bar next door, hoping and praying that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If they do, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Okay, the joke, guys. I mean, you're all [ __ ] You're all literally hacks right now. By the way, it was on a [ __ ] commercial break. Nobody knows what jokes you're [ __ ] making. Nobody knows. You're playing for this stupid 250 people instead of 4 million. You [ __ ] retards.

Jesus Christ. God I'm, on, your, side,, dude. [ __ ] All right,, you, hear, the, sound, of, it, and wrap it up, then bring out the anger Hollywood., There, you, go., All right,, I'm going to let this pedophile pick the first name. The blatant pedto in the front. All right, send it. Oo, a one-word name. That's going to be fun. While we go wrangle that comedian, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the great golden ticket winners. Literally what many say, including myself, the greatest Kill Tony golden ticket winner of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful Martin Phillips, everybody. And here we go.

Good. Good. Sorry, my bad. I'm drunk. Okay. Wait., Well,, on on, Halloween,, I, like, to make my own candy to pass out cuz it's creative and it's way easier to put razor blades in. Okay. I saw this apple juice. It was called Adam and Eve apple juice. And I was like, "Not falling for that one. Don't break me down with you." Uh, okay. Anyway, uh, speak speaking of, uh removing a rib. Uh, we we all know exactly. We all know I take out a rib, I can suck my own dick. But, but what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass, you know? Why why stop at the dick? Keep keep going. Hey, I want to want to lick my back, you know, and people get frustrated with me. Like, is there like is your head up your ass? And I'm like, I'm trying.

Give me time. Okay, that's it. Okay. Martin Phillips. Hi,, Martin. What's, up? How, are, you, today?

I'm, good. That's, good., What's, been, going, on, buddy? You're making it. You're on tour. You're out everywhere wobbling around.

Yeah,, I, be, so, out, there, probably, get, the angling around. But, yeah, what's, been, going, on?, What, are, your favorite cities you've been to?

You, know,, well,, after, a, while,, they, all kind of blend together. I don't know. It was like same thing, same [ __ ] you know. But uh uh you know I know first of all half the [ __ ] already says didn't happen. He's talking about it. The other day

uh, we, our, gate, kept, being, changed., So, he had to push me in a wheelchair around the airport. And of course Ari is just like oh I want to get so much [ __ ] off of it.

Right., I, was, like,, "Save, some, for, me." What are you doing?, But, but, sometimes, I, bring, my, dog with me, so if he pushes me in a wheelchair with a dog, we're unstoppable.

Yeah, that, is, incredible., Sam, Tripoli, do, you, have, groupies,, dude?, Do, you, have groupies?

Oh,, not, too, much., But, you, interested, you interested? I, want, to, watch, you, make, love, so, badly, dude. I want to watch you [ __ ] one time.

I'm, so, happy, somebody, wants, to, watch, me [ __ ] I'll, pay, for, it,, dude., I'll, pay, for, it.

Cool. We'll, get, some, top, shelf, hooker, just watch you go to town. Poor, name., Meaty, Marty.,

Ooh,, meaty, Marty., Hello., I'm, hard. Yeah., What, would, one, expect, from watching a sex tape with the great Martin Phillips?

I, don't, know., How, would, you, describe, your, rhythm, when you make love? Is it Broken robot type. What?

Just, going, with, the, out of the ocean. I don't know. Hell, yeah. You, know, it's, got, to, be, dynamite, [ __ ]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah,, for, sure., That is, a, human, Simeon. Yeah. Good. For, sure., Sick., What's, the, longest you've evered while having sexual intercourse with a woman? I've never really like timed it, but you had to give it a ballpark.

It, felt, like, an, eternity, to, me. I don't know. Imagine, how, she, feels. I, love, it., What, else, is, going, on, Martin? Tell us.

You, know,, we're, just, chilling, and gearing, up, for, Halloween., Do, you, have big Halloween plans? That's the one day of the year where everyone walks like a zombie.

Yeah,, I, know., there, during, the apocalypse. I'll be safe, you know, no one else to worry about me. So, yeah. But, uh, I don't have any plans yet. I'm in town, though. So, you got a party.

Let's, go. My, mom, sent, me, candy., So,, I, got, my, candy already. Wow., What, kind, of, candy, did, she, send?

Oh,, man., [ __ ], I, got, my, Reese's., Okay. Oh, my, god. The, good, [ __ ], Okay., So,

they, say, there's, no, wrong, way, to, eat, a Reese's. How do you eat a Reese's?

Oh,, jeez. Whole thing in. Wow., Look, at, that., See,, I, go, edges first. I nibble on the edges and then I take the round coin, the perfectly round coin, and I shove it up my ass.

Oh., Oh,, I, shove, it, up, my, ass., I, I, knew, that, was, hell., Yes, you, ate, it., Yes,

that's, sober,, but, I, would, relapse, to, do Coke with you. I would love to see how you just

We, should, just, hang, out, there., You, can We can [ __ ] We can do Coke. We can

Hell, yeah. We, can, do, it, all,, you, know. Hell, yeah. Have, you, done, Coke, before?

Actually,, I, have, not, done, Coke, actually. No, I have not. But you got Night, is, young,, bro., Night, is, young.

Listen,, let's, let's, Great., Who, is, of, all the handicapped people, who's the best in bed? If you could just bang, is it the blind person?

Oh,, so, now, Pacific, like Yeah. Like,, well,, I, was, going, to, say, D, Madness

is, the, handicap, person. D, Madness, is, right, behind, you,, by, the way. He's, blind,, Sam.

The, guy, behind, you, is, blind., I, I, I, know when I see blind black people. Good.

They're, not, hard, to, see., They're, always making sure you see them all the time.

I'm, blind. So So they always do do that, don't they? What's up with that? So, they're, always, very, seen, people., That is, interesting., But, the the, best, type, of handy hot person that that's the question.

Yeah. Okay., Well,, uh,, first, of, all,, us, with must do [ __ ] smashing all the time. So, we had that, uh, death people. You don't even have to hear the lady. So it's probably good. Um, what about clubbed foot? Uh, you know, you don't really have to use their foot in there. So, yeah, it's they're probably kind of normal with it. Uh, I haven't done studies out there. It's not by pouring category or anything.

We, want, you, to, we, want, you, to, do, a, study and next time you come on, we expect a full report.

Okay., Sure. Okay., Perfect., Ladies, and, gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips. Everybody, he got the party started. The undisputed golden ticket

tyrant, Martin, Phillips., The, Jerry, Lewis [ __ ] handicap. This, name, is, a, one-word, name., It, is written in ink over and over and over again. If we did a handwriting study on what this person is going to be like, I can tell you I've been doing this job a long time. A long time. I pull a name out and I see the handwriting, the [ __ ] energy of this. This should be interesting. Make some noise, everyone for Stevie. Stevie.

Patia, Beach,, Thailand., I'm, standing, out in the front of the girls go-go club and I can't wait to go inside. Here's what I saw. FIRST GIRL COMES OUT completely naked. Had really great chest hair though. And has one of them big fat magic markers, slips it into her woo woo, squats down, AND WIGGLES OUT. WELCOME, USS DENVER. NEXT [snorts] GIRL COMES OUT COMPLETELY NAKED, makes her way over to my table and just using her meat curtain, blows a candle out of my table. Then she takes a whistle out of her hair, puts it down on her diner box and bangs out the Marine CORPS HIM. AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, she gets a whole pack of smokes going. And you guessed it, her VJ blew the sexiest [ __ ] smoke rings I've ever seen. Next girl comes out, takes turns landing ping pong balls into each of her drinks using just her juicy cannon in the shoot reload technique. Next girl. I swear she had to have lip burns cuz she pulled like 40

yards of rainbow colored yarn out OF HER TIE PINOCHA AS HER FRIEND RAN HER AROUND ALL THE STRIPPER POLES. OH, and oh, let me Oh, I didn't even get to the banana of the darts. Thank you so much.

Wow., Somehow, exactly, one, minute. Oh my god. Stevie, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

Yes,, it, is., Yes,, it, is. Nice, to, see, you,, pal., How, long, you, been doing comedy?

Since, the, fourth, grade. Okay. Very good. My, mom, had, to, come, and, sit, behind, me, in school so I wouldn't be like, "Hey, LOOK AT ME. I'M FUNNY." SO, sorry about that.

It's, been, a, while. She, know, you, have a, coke, problem. Well,, yeah. She, got, me, a, shirt, that, says, woke, and coke. So, I love that shirt.

Did, she, really? Yeah., No,, I, just, made, that, up, on, the spot. It's okay.

You're, good., Stevie,, how, long, have, you been doing standup comedy? Standup, comedy, about, 3, years.

Three, years., All, of, it, here, in, Austin. No,, I, started, out, in, Arizona, after, some people tried to rob my place. I ended up talking them out of robbing my place and made them laugh. We ate pizza, smoked a bunch of pot. It was great.

Is, that, true? Yeah,, that, actually. Explain, to, us, exactly, what, happened.

It's, the, middle, of, the, night, day., What is it? All right,, so, here, we, go., By, the, way, Stevie is soaking wet. By the way, for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps you're getting some work done and just playing it in the background. His upper lip is drenched. His face is retaining the weight of the water. It appears as though there's so much toxicity in his sweat that it's not uh respecting gravity whatsoever. Somehow, it's accumulating in a pile as though he's laying horizontally. This is incredible. Tim Butterly, you got a closer look at that sweat. Can you describe it for the people? There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip. That is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble.

You're, completely, lacquered, in, layers, of moisture right now. It, is, the, layers.

How, do, you, spell, ensemble?, I, mean, that's a like a grownup third grade word right?

Bro,, you, look, like, both, ice, and, the illegal. Okay. I'm, here, to, GET, YOU.

HERE, WE, GO. TRIPOLI. ONE, MEXICAN,, TWO, MEXICAN,, THREE., OH, WAIT. SORRY. I did I did that wrong. Uno threat. No.

All, right., So,, Stevie,, go, ahead., And, now is the time to tell us about the uh robbery in which you made friends with the people.

All right., So,, I'm, sitting, at, home., It must be about 1:30 in the morning, and I'm watching porn because that's what I do. I love myself some porn. And all of a sudden, my porn goes out. Oh, what the hell? So, this is Arizona and I know that everything's hot outside. So, I go outside to where it's like 140° and there's a person standing on my workbench ripping off my TV and I'm like, whoa. So, I flip the light on. She turns around and looks at me and she goes, "Oh shit." So, I said, "Wait, hold on. Let me get my dog secured." And once I got them secured, I went ahead and got her down. And then her man started beating on the uh garage. And I was like, "Well, tell your man I'm not calling the cops. Just be cool. Just be cool." So

what, color, are, these, people? I believe it's uh my understanding you're not allowed to ask me about that anymore.

Okay,, Stevie,, very, funny., Answer, the [ __ ] question. Um, they, were, both, of, Latino, descent.

Okay,, very, good.,, All, right, go ahead. All, right,, so, once, uh, I, open, up, the garage, he comes in, he's mad and [ __ ] ready to beat my ass. And I look at her and I look at him and they're like "Okay, what are we going to do?" I like "I'm, not, going to, call, the, cops., are, you guys hungry? He looked at me and said "Yeah, we're hungry." I said, "I got pizza. I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza." I bring the pizza out slam it down, and he goes to town. He eats like three pieces and she eats one piece. Then they both start crying. And then I had to start, you know, telling stories about Thailand again to get them to laugh.

Why, were, they, crying? Because, they, felt, bad, they, were, in, my place ripping off my [ __ ]

And, they, had, to, hear, your, comedy,, right? Yeah. I, They're, actually, wiping, his, sweat, out of their eyes. Well, it was 120° out. Sorry. How do you describe your comedy in one word? What would you Well, two words maybe.

Actually,, 100 wet and loud. I call it fast forward. That's what your uh comedy is. Fast forward. You're doing 10 minutes in a minute. I love it.

A, you., Thank, you., Thank, you., Thank, you. Okay,, Stevie., What, do, you, What, do, you, do for a living exactly?

What, I, am, is, I'm, into, race, cars., So,, I find myself uh going to different race car crews at different race. Uh

Uh-huh. I, find, myself, going, to, different, race teams for different racing events and I help them do stuff for the car.

So,, wait,, what, what, what, the, [ __ ], do, you mean? What exactly do you do in the race world? What's your job?

Math., That's, what, he, does., He, deals math. What's, the, exact, job? I, can, see, you.

Stevie,, stick, with, me, here., What's, your job? How do you make money? All, right., So, on, the, weekends, when, there is a race, it's about two maybe three.

All right,, Red, Band,, that's, enough, of the tense game show music. Go ahead.

About, two, or, three, rake, two, or, three races a month is about what I get to pull off and is go and set up their t-shirts and [ __ ] and the canopy.

There, it, is., You, do, merch, for, race, car drivers. That's, a, great, way, to, put, it., Yes,, sir.

Yes,, it, is., It's, the, title, of, the, job. I, love, it. I, love, it., And, you're, able, to, survive off doing that?

Yes., How, do, you, survive, off, of, that? It's, just, me., There's, nobody, else, in, the family. It's just me.

So,, what, happens?, Have, you, ever, been married before? I, was., I, was., It, didn't, work, very, good because I'm bad at relationships. As

Explain, to, us, exactly, what, went, wrong, in that relationship. I, talked, way, too, fast.

Okay. She, didn't, get, half, the, stuff, I, wanted when we were having sex. I was like "No, here now. This way. Leg this way. All right., Up.", Okay., And, she, didn't like that. She wanted something slow. Did you ever once make just make love to her?

I, think, twice. Okay., [snorts] Did, you, ever, try, not, talking? That's, why, I'm, alone,, big, brother.

Wow,, you're, so, scary. Stevie,, what, do, you, do, for, fun, when you're not working in the race world? What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all?

There's, three, things, that, I, love., I, love me some uh some dogs. I love me some uh remote control crap. And I love me a 50-year-old woman who smokes and hates men.

Wow., Stevie,, ladies, and, gentlemen, absolutely incredible. Stevie. Yes,, sir., Yeah.

What's, one, more, crazy, fun, fact, about your life that would surprise us about you?

I, fought, wildfire. You, fought, wildfire?, Just, one? No., I, got, I, got, to, spend, some, time, on, a hot shot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire.

They, hung, him, from, a, helicopter and rung him out. The, great,, Tim, Butterly,, ladies and gentlemen. Stevie up here. Here it comes. It's a little joke book, buddy. Thank you. Thank you.

There, he, goes., Stevie,, everyone. There he goes. Stevie. I knew he was going to be wild. Oh, the great Heidi. Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that. If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself. I mean, that is literally he is that handwriting. You see what I was saying? [ __ ] crazy. You see that? How how manic is that?

That's, ransom, font, right, there. Yeah,, exactly., Well,, well,, well., Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chu. Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Bluechu isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger harder, faster, longerlasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Redban

Tony., Bluechu, is, providing, the, best, ED treatment out there. I carry my encyclopedia brick tanica everywhere I go.

Wow., Red, ban. Thank, God. Guys,, this, isn't, just, about, performance. This is about legacy or third legacy, if you will. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluetooth. Discover your options at blue.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluetooth's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechw.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Blue Chu for sponsoring the podcast.

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Uh I just seem to like the worst guys. Uh I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated one time I was over at his house. I fell down the stairs and he shushed me and uh and I know I know what you're thinking. Wow, you were dating someone with a two-story home. I messed up. Um, but dating is confusing. I I'll go on a date and end up texting him, "Hey we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom."

And, I, am, I, am, done, telling, these, guys, to dod. Okay, I am uh I am done telling these guys that I do comedy. Okay, I'm done. They're always like, "Oh, no way. Are you funny?" And I'm like

"Okay,, Annie,, we're, going to, cut, you, off there. Sorry, we had some audio issues there.

Redband, she's a victim of domestic violence. You shouldn't have done that." Annie, that was a fantastic set. Congratulations. How about another hand for Annie? Great stuff. I remember you. You've been on this show before and it was very, very, very much fun. You had a couple very viral moments and I remember them well cuz they pop up and I see them sometimes. You famously I I I identified you as one of the whitest white women in the history of the show. And I said "What is the blackest thing about you?" and you answered

"Uh,, I, shop, at, Ross." And, the clips, I mean, the crowd went wild. It was a whole thing. I think I asked you another one, too, right? What was it?

Most, Latina, thing. The, most, Latina, thing, about, you., And what was that answer?

Um,, I, draw, my, eyebrows, on. Wow., Just, honest, and, amazing., Absolutely perfect. Uh, how's comedy been going for you, Annie? It's been going well. I I'm enjoying it and it's uh it's Yeah, it's been great.

You, live, here, in, Austin., How, do, you, make money? I, am, a, golf, professional, at, a, country club in the suburbs.

Oh,, amazing., That's, right., Incredible. Anything crazy happened at the golf course lately? Any wildly racist moments or anything?

Um,, nothing, overtly, racist., Uh,, I, uh, I saw I saw some I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right?

Yeah., So, he, had, one, foot, out, of, the bunker, one foot in. There was a hill behind him.

He, was, trying, to, get, out, of, the, bunker. Yeah, exactly., Um, and, uh, he, uh, whiffed, the shot and he fell backwards down the hill.

Amazing. I love it. Did you tell him? Shh. Annie,, you're, so, cool., How's, dating, life in real life? If you're you're actually single, why do you think you have a problem getting a man?

Boy,, uh what's the last date you went on? How when was that? That, was, in, uh, January.

Okay., And, what, what, exactly, did, you, do in January? Where this what how did you meet this guy?

I, met, we, met, on, Hinge. Okay. And, uh And, what, did, he, do?, He, took, you, to, a restaurant or something? Uh, we got drinks and um I was uh I was pretty bored.

Okay., Why, exactly, were, you, bored?, What is that noise? Stop that. Whoever's doing that

um, I, just, it, was, um, he, it, was, just, him telling me about him and, then, I, was, I, was, kind, of, listened, to it.

Yeah., What, was, he, telling, you? Um, that, he, um, is, thinking, about, getting a dog. And uh

wait,, was, his, name, Stevie? No. Okay,, good., So,, how'd, the, date, end? I, said,, uh,, thank, you.,

Amazing., Amazing., So,, you, know,, are, you content being alone? Do you like being alone?

Yeah,, I'm, pretty, happy. Yeah. What do you do to kill the time? What? How do you you make like homemade candles or something like that?

Yes., Yes., It's, very, sad., And, uh, I, do, it. Yeah. Just me and the the wax and

No., What, do, you, re, how, do, you, really What do you really do? Okay., So,, um, Yeah., I, uh, you, know,, I, I, I work and I I just do comedy. I've been doing this as much as I can.

Nice. When, you, go, on, a, date,, do, you, have, like different eyebrows? Like sexy like like like ones up like the Verizon logo, you know? Come on, Red Ban. Why would you do that? This is an innocent woman and I don't know why you would offend her like that. Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows?

I, Yeah,, it, depends, on, who, I'm, going, out with. You, do, excited, ones, sometimes, so, that you sound interested. When the guy's telling you that he's thinking about getting a dog, you're just like, "Yeah

yeah, I, want, him." One, just, up, where, it, always, looks, like you're questioning them. Do you ever do that where you're just like

that, comes, naturally?, Yeah., Sam's Armenian, so if you went on a date with him, you could just take a Sharpie and just go one one big line across.

I, love, it., Um,, Annie,, I, found, your, set to be incredible. So incredible. Have you been on the mic here? Is Adam the Booker here seen you?

I, uh, I, went, on, the, open, mic, last, week and I got called back and I just did it before this.

Perfect., So, everything's, happening exactly as I think it should be going. This is correct. Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you. What's the longest set you've done?

Uh,, 20, minutes. Red, band. I'd, love, to, have, you, on, the, Secret, Show Thursday.

Boom., And,, you, already, have, a, big joke right Annie? You already have one of these, right? Boom. There goes Annie Titer. Everyone that could be one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. That's how it works. They're coming here to Austin. It's all happening. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Could be the next superstar. Could be an insane person. It's Rise. James Carmen everybody. Usually it's only the [ __ ] Asians that [ __ ] my name up. My name is Reese. Anyway, um, thanks for being here, guys.

But by the way, uh, Austin, Texas. What the [ __ ] going on? I'm Australian. If you don't know, I'm not [ __ ] British. Anybody? Yep. So I I first get into America, right? I get into [ __ ] Dallas. Get into [ __ ] Austin. I get picked up by a [ __ ] Whimo. Those driverless [ __ ] cars. You seen those? I don't want to [ __ ] get picked up by a Whimo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window. Your homeless people out here are [ __ ] pretty wild. I mean, I got I'm in I'm in [ __ ] Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific. I got asked for 54 cents.

I had to do the conversion in my head. It worked out to be about $130. That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget bro. And that's I think about all I got cuz I did not think I was going to get picked tonight [ __ ] I was doing [ __ ] shorts next door in [ __ ] Shakespeare. So

all, right. Eight, cuss, words, in, 60, seconds, from, Ree. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah,, R., Spell, it, R, E, C, E, or, R, H, YS. Yeah. Well,, why, do, you, spell, it, R, H, YS?

Well,, I, don't, know, if, you, know, how, uh your names get [ __ ] made, Tony, but my mom gave it to me.

Yeah,, but, you, get, mad, every, time somebody doesn't call that Reese, even though it literally isn't spelled like the name Reese at all.

It's, Welsh., You, know, where, Wales, is? Yeah., Yeah., Why?, Why, are, you, asking, me [ __ ] Yuri? Have a little attitude huh?

I, got, [ __ ], I, got, I, got, [ __ ] attitude. Those, [ __ ], mandatory, COVID, boosters got you confident, huh? Wow, look at you coming in. Oh, my name is [ __ ] race. You normally it's an Asian call me that. I want a [ __ ] this and that. [ __ ] this and I'm [ __ ] that.

It's, the, testosterone,, bro. You're, on, testosterone. I'm, not,, but, I've, got, a, lot, of, it.

Okay., All, right., I, guess, so., Okay., So, Reese, where exactly are you from?

I'm, from, Melbourne,, Australia., Man, thank you very much for this opportunity. This is really sick. I did not think this was going to happen. My girlfriend's backstage with me. Um said, "Love you. [ __ ] This is sick."

Okay,, that's, that's, See,, that's, a, lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit. You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you.

I, had, to, I, had, to, come, out, with, a, lot, of energy cuz I was freaking out, bro.

You're, doing, good., You're, doing, good. So, tell us about your life. How long you been doing standup?

6, months. 6, months., Yeah., Okay. Yeah., I, think, seven, maybe, now., Yeah. Okay., Any, day, now., It's, going, to, be seven.

Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., What, do, you, do, for, a living, Reese? Uh I'm, in, sales., I'm, a, recruiter., I, think you guys call them head hunters here.

Hey,, recruiter., Yo., All right., What, are you recruiting exactly? I, work, in, finance,, bro., I, work, for, like pretty I work for a great company actually., I, don't, know if, I, should, plug them because they don't pay me enough for that. Um, but they're a great company. And shout out to Low Market Elevate.

Elevate., All, right., What, a, what, a, plug it was. Tim Butterly. They'll, love, it., You, can't, understand, a single word I'm [ __ ] saying, can you?

No., Not, one., But, if, we, could, get, the phonetic spelling of that company and look up the reviews, I think that might be nice.

Yeah, absolutely. Great, company. Is, it, really? Yeah., Well,, I'm, mate,, I've, just, taken, 3 weeks off to go like here. Actually, we accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix.

Yeah. And, I, wanted, to, come, specifically, to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mother ship. And this is the most expensive trip ever, but it's so good. And they gave me like I've got good time off, good people, good support. So yeah.

Okay., Okay., How, long, you, been, with, this girlfriend of yours? Uh,, we've, been, together, for, a, year.

Okay., Does, she, do, stand, up,, too? No,, she, doesn't., She, just, has, to, listen to my [ __ ] every [ __ ] day.

Right., What, does, she, do? She's, a, actually, she's, a, she, manages, a really good gym. She's a big dog. Yeah she's she's actually on the screens at BFTs in uh around the world internationally and we went to the one in the Grove maybe this morning. I don't know.

Did, you, describe, your, girlfriend, as, a big dog? Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., She's, Croatian and jacked, bro. Yeah, she's jacked.

Is, she, really, jacked? Yeah,, she's, [ __ ], got, 14%, body, fat, bro. Is, she, really, backstage, right, now?

Yeah., Can, we, get, her, right, there?, Yeah, let's get her out of here. What's her name?

Laura. Get, her, out, here., What's, her, name? Laura, Matech., Laura, Matech. Laura, Match.

Laura, Mat. Laura, Mel. Laura., Laura, Matt. All right., Send, her, out. Yes., This, is, going, to be

Have, her, sign, a, waiver., Send, her, out. These, Australians, are, propose, right, now. Propose. You just get on your knee.

You, [ __ ], it., YOU, [ __ ], IT. YEAH,, YOU, YELLED, AT, TONY., I'm, fighting back.

She, doesn't, know., She, does., Let's, do this. She doesn't know. It's going to be the

Get, on, your, knees., Just, fake, it. And, then, she'll, hate, you,, too. Hold, on., Play, cool., I, just, heard, the door close.

I, heard, the, door, closed., So,, she's, going to come. I, don't, think, we, should, do, this., I'm going to

Ladies, and, gentlemen, mom's, going, to, hate, me, for, this. What's, her, name, again?

Laura. Laura? Yeah. Where, is, she, right, now?, Australia., Where is she? I, don't, know,, bro., [ __ ], next, door.

Like, a, black, guy. We've, been, Okay. All right,, Red, Band., Jesus, Christ. I, didn't, even, hear, that., Red, Red, Band's got, no, chance, with, her there, anyway. Sorry.

All right,, ladies, and, gentlemen,, make What's her name again? My, name? No. Her, name, or, my, name?

Yeah, I'm, confused., Reys., I'm, Reese., Her name's Laura. All right,, ladies, and, gentlemen,, make some noise for Laura.

Laura. What's going on? She, doesn't, want, to, come, up. She's, next, door., Oh

okay., You, said, she's, backstage. Oh,, actually,, apparently, if, you, get, an Aussie to do a Shuy, it's like a major thing. Yeah. [sighs]

All, right,, Reys., Um, no., Don't, do, one. You, want, to, do, one? I'll, do, a, [ __ ], Chewy., I, don't, give, a [ __ ]

All, right,, let's, do, a, Chewy. You, got, a, beer? Yeah,, give, me, a, beer. All, right,, we, need, a, beer., We, got, a, beer back there, Heidi.

Has, anyone, Has, any, Aussie, done, a, Shuy on? Yeah,, like, 10, times. Let's, not, do, it., Let's, not, do, it.

No,, I, know., I, want, to, do, it, now., I, want to make you drink a beer out of your [ __ ] shoe.

Whoa. It's the big dog, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Look at this happy couple. My goodness.

I, manif, I, don't, know, how, we, manifested this. This is crazy. Oh, god., You, didn't, manifest, anything.

Yeah. My, random, curiosity., You, said, that, she was built like a brick house or whatever. And so

big, dog. Is, that, cool? You, You, were, describing, a, muscle, mommy. Yeah., You, got, called, me

40%, body, fat. What, is, he, said, about, me?, We'll, have, an idea. Can, you, Can, you, flex, for, us?,

Wait,, what, do, I, want, you, to, flex?, What do you got? Yeah. Let's, see, that, [ __ ], [ __ ], Am, I, right? All right., I, missed, it., That, was, quick.

All, right,, we, got, a, beer., Come, on, Heidi. Yeah,, I've, got, to, do, a, Chewy,, babe.

I, got, to, do, a, Shiry, now., Hey,, babe., I got myself in a bit of predicament. I got to do Shi and uh the name's Ree, not Rice. Wow. Yeah. Uh her tits real.

What? I, heard, it. Yeah,, her, tits, are, real, and, the, place, is made out of cotton candy. Do the [ __ ] Chewy, bro. Jesus Christ. I hope it's real. I've never seen anything quite like that before.

He's, running, out, of, place. Wow. Representing Australia. That's what they're famous for, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth. Drinking a beer out of a shoe.

I, That's, my, second, shoe., My, first, shoe was last night at Shakespeare's. Wow.

Yeah. Look, at, that., Wow. Now, we, need, new, shoes., Now, you, can, call your girlfriend [ __ ] and she laughs right? Is that how good?

Uh,, it, depends., Hang, on. Like,, oh,, you, [ __ ] This, is, like, an, education, about Australia. So, like you need to It's It's how you deliver it and it's your facial express.

Oh,, show, me, good, then, show, me, bad. All, right., So,, Tony,, you're, a, [ __ ] [ __ ]

That's, good. Yeah., No,, it's, bad. Okay. Yeah. And, then, you, go, And, then, you, go,, "Babe, you're [ __ ] a hot cunt." You know?

All right., I'm, kind, of, sick, of, you, guys. Uh, it's, Is, it, Is, it, cuz, you, haven't, found love yet? I'm going to throw two little joke books at the same time. Let's see if you guys can catch them. Ready? One two three.

Count, it., That, counts. All right,, there, he, goes., Reese, James Carmen congratulations to the Australian couple that really gave us no interesting content of any kind. That interview was what I call bad. Um, but we did our best. Heidi ended up having bigger muscles and tits. than his girlfriend. The muscles are real. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang. Everybody, we're going to meet Danny Yang right now here on Hilton saying, "Hey people, what's up, man? How's it going?"

All, right., Awesome,, man., You, know, people, I found out the word [ __ ] is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that I had in high school. Yeah. No, no, seriously, man. [ __ ] if you look, it, up,, man,, it, means, dent, or crack., All right., Yeah., Yeah., But,, uh, the common phrase is [ __ ] in the armor which was kind of disconcerting because like earlier this year, like when I went to like the Renaissance fair, right?

Yeah., Cuz, like, I, went, as, a, knight. Right. I went as a knight. Right. Yeah. And then somebody's trying to Yeah. Somebody's getting it. Humor apparently to this crowd is the [ __ ] in the armor. But um No,, no., So So, what, happens,, right?, They they tell me like you got to go as something a little bit more Asian appropriate, right? So you know, next year I'm not going to go as a knight right?, I'm, going to, go, as, a, king., Yeah. Obviously a short king, you know, cuz that's Asian. But um Thank you. Somebody got that. Okay.

Thank you people. All, right., Danny, Yang., It's, a, bad, word, you, were, saying.

Oh,, come. Hi,, Danny., How, are, you?, How, long, you been doing standup? Uh,, give, or, take, like, 13, years.

13, years., Wow., Where, at?, San, Francisco. Oh, my, god. You're You're telling me San Francisco. Okay. Ooh. Ooh. You're telling me San Francisco?

That's, some, kind, of, Epcene, [ __ ], you're getting at me. No not, today,, Diddy., No,

Danny. Sorry, Danny., Where, you, been, doing, stand, up, at? It's a simple question.

I'm, sorry. [ __ ], attitudes, on, these, people, today. It's unbelievable. They're all going to be working with Kino next week on the the Nowhere Nothing Burger Show. No, I I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York.

New, York., Very, good., Yeah. I, love, it., What, do, you, do, for, a, living?

I, I, work, for, a, cancer, clinic. A, cancer, clinic?, Oh, my, goodness. It's, uh, dealing, out, pills.

Okay. Yeah. You're, an, Asian, nurse? No., Oh,, do, I, look, Filipino?, No,, I'm, not.

You, look, Filipino. All right., Well, you, look, like, you've, filled, a, Filipinos before.

My, god. Do, I, [ __ ], look, Filipino? Are, you, gay?, Danny, no., I, am, not., Please, don't, spread, that rumor. Come on, dude.

Danny,, welcome, to, my, world,, buddy. Oh, this, is, incredible., Is, this, what, I'm like? Jesus Christ.

Oh, my, god. Now, I'm, starting, to, get, it. Yeah. Starting, to, get, it., So,, Danny,, do, you get you get that a lot cuz you you have some like feminine energies?

Oh, my, god., Yeah., I, love, I, love, how, you react to everything. Everything's just Oh [ __ ] Oh god. How dare you? [ __ ] San Francisco. [ __ ] shove it up my ass.

Oh,, it's, bad,, man., I'm, bad., It's Look, at, you., All right,, so, uh, Danny,, uh do you have a girlfriend?

No., No,, I'm, divorced. Okay., How, long, were, you, married, for? About, like, uh, 12, years., That's, it., Wow. She love you a long time.

Was, she, Asian, as, well? No,, she, she, was, a, Texan. She, was, a, what? Taxan.

Oh,, okay., White. Okay., A, white, Texan., Wow. Yeah., Look, at, that. Those, are, rare,, right?

Hell, yeah., Where'd, you, meet, this, at? Where'd you meet that girl at? Where, did, you, meet, that?, I, I, met, her online.

Okay. I, was, in, New, York., She, was, in, Texas. Then we kind of, you know, it was like one of those things.

Wow., Look, at, that., and, and, you, guys, were just, you know, chatting online and then you went and visited her or she came up to New York.

She, came, up, to, New, York, first, and, then like, you know, we couldn't afford to live in New York so we went back to, you know, lived in Dallas.

Okay., Look, at, that., Wow., And, then, Okay. So, why did the divorce happen? Where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan?

Oh, my, god., It's, It's Oh, my, god., I, don't, even, I, can't, even [ __ ] get started. Tony Jesus [ __ ] Christ. The list goes on and on and on. Tony there's all Texan women in here. I'm not going to say [ __ ]

No,, you, go, right, ahead., You, go, right ahead. You You say this [ __ ] Be honest.

She, was, good., She, was, a, great, person. It's just like I had to do something with my life

you, know,, besides, like,, you, know,, just hanging out at like, you know, freaking Waterburger,

right?, You, can't, just, hang, out, at, What, a Burger. No doubt about it. That's what she wanted to do. Did she get a little chubby as the years went on?

Yeah., Yeah,, she, did., Danny, Yang's, like, "No [ __ ] way." Oh my god. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Get it together. Oh my god. Too much [ __ ] water burger, [ __ ] [snorts] I love it. Yeah. There's all the sound effects of their relationship. But you didn't make any kids huh?

No,, no,, no, no., You, didn't, [ __ ], uh, throw, some cream cheese in her wanton.

No., Come, on., Nobody, wants, those, half breeds in Texas. No., Nobody, wants, what?

Those, half, breeds, in Oh, my, goodness, gracious., I, think, there's a lot of

Asian, racism, right, there. Yeah., Come, on. We, need, half, Asian,, half, whites, with, our booming tech industry. Well, it's like how indecisive are you going to be? Either make like a round eye or you know Sandy, you know, just let's not mix it like

Asian, and, whites, make, hot, hot, kits. Well,, it's, always, like, somebody's winking, right? One

I, love, it., Are, you, 100%, Chinese,, Danny Yang? I'm, from, Taiwan. Oh,, perfect., Well,

so, yes., Yeah. Yeah,, basically., Yeah., Soon, to, be, China. Yeah. Soon, to, be., Yeah., You, got, it, though, man. I'm not going back there for a while.

Wow. That, work. Wow., Amazing., Danny,, when's, the, last time you were there?

Oh,, god., I, was, a, kid,, man. Oh,, Jesus. Yeah,, they, were., Yeah,, they're, they're throwing me on a boat getting me out of there.

All, right., That's, an, odd, way, to, travel to China, but okay. I like it. What do you do for fun, Danny? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies.

Well,, yeah., I, mean, oh, my, god., Red, B. Red B. Why, would, you, do, that, to, him?

This, is, an, innocent, man, who's, just trying his best. I don't know why you would embarrass him like that. Do you Do you sucky?

Uh,, depends, on, how, much, you, have, on. Yep. Okay., So, it's, gotten, that, bad.

Oh, my, god., All right., So,, what, where, are we at with the hobbies there, Danny?

Uh,, I'm, a, I'm, a, screenwriter., I'm, here for the Austin Film Festival. Oh,, nice.

Yeah,, I'm, here, as, a, writer. Oh,, wow., Okay., Did, you, wrote, a, movie? Um,, what?

You, wrote, a, you, wrote, a, screenplay that's in the festival or Yeah,, I, wrote, a, screenplay.

What's, it, about? Uh,, oh, god., Oh,, [ __ ], Tony,, why, do, you, ask, these questions? I'm [ __ ] straight. I'm Danny Yang. [ __ ] [ __ ] All right, go ahead. What's the screenplay about?

Uh,, I, got, two, in., Um,, that's, what, she said, right? Um your, wife, probably, did.

Hey. Oh, he, doesn't, have, strap, on, energy. Everybody, you, actually, have, a, dick., I, don't, need, a strap on, man.

I, mean,, in, your, butt. All, right., They're, called, cucumbers,, you know. Oh,, yeah.

My, god., What, the, hell?, What, the, hell? I, love, you,, Danny., You're, a, funny, guy, dude.

I, have, to, go, to, San, Francisco, now,, man. Oh, my, god., Let's, go. You, know,,

let's, go. Called, it, love., Loving, and, lost. That's, it. Yeah. I, love, it,, Danny., So,, other, than, screen plays, you seem like a guy. You have a fish tank.

I'm, getting, fish, tank, energies, from, you. Do you have a fish tank? Empty. No,, I, I, don't, have, a, fish, tank.

You, don't, have, a, fish, tank., Have, you ever? No, no. My dad had one. Your, dad, had, one., That's, That's, what, I'm feeling. I go feeling fish tank. It's clearly coming from your father.

Oh,, yeah., Yeah. What's, your, favorite, karaoke, song? I, like, that, Elvis., A, little, bit., A little more conversation. A little less.

A, little, less, conversation., A, little more action. Whoa. Satisfaction in me.

Wow., I, got, one. Look, at, that. Oh boy. And, Gagnum, style, obviously. God,, you're, funny,, Danny, Yang.

I, like, you. Well,, flattery, will, get, you, everywhere with being San Francisco, I guess.

I, love, it., I, love, it., So,, tell, us, more. How long How long ago was the divorce?

It, was, It's, going, on, like, five, years now. And, have, you, been, dating, women, since then? Not with the gay rumors, man.

Now,, have, you, been, dating, women, since the divorce? No., No., I, I, been, on, a, few, dates, and they've been hor horrible. It's New York.

Really?, Can, you, tell, us, about, a, bad date? Can you give us an example of like something that one that just went that you hated?

Well,, I, I, kind, of, went, on, one, where, it was like another comedian, but like she would not like engage with jokes and it was like having like an outer body experience.

Uhhuh., You, know,, it, was, just, like,, "Do they not have humor like where you're from?" And you know, and she didn't think that was funny. I was like "Obviously not." You know

right?, She, wasn't, having, any, fun., Was this another white girl? Yeah. Have, you, ever, been, with, a, black, woman?

No., No., Not, yet. Oh,, not, yet., Have, you, been, with, a, Latina before? No,, I, don't., No.

Have, you, ever, been, with, anything, other than a white? Actually,, no. Really?

Yeah. Have, you, ever, been, with, an, Asian, woman? No,, I, have, only, been, with, white, women now that I think about it. Look at you. Look at this guy. This is like a

They're, betraying, your, race., That's, me. I, love, it. It's, got, to, be, hard, for, you, to, make, love to Asian women. It's like looking at yourself right?

Yeah. Two, Wongs, don't, make, a, right. Oh, my, god, Danny., I, feel, like, I, could, talk, to, you forever. How long you in Austin for? Uh probably till like Halloween, November 1st.

I'd, love, to, have, you, on, Secret, Show Thursday. Oh,, yeah., Thank, you., Thank, you, so, much., You're getting a big joke, too. Danny

make, some, noise, for, Danny, Yang. Everybody Danny Yank. Danny Yank. All right, we're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast, Love on the Line, with the great Valerie Vaughn.

We, love, Heidi. Look at Heidi fixing Kino's problems for him. It's some duct tape. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by duct tape. This episode's actually brought to you by Talkspace. As you could tell, some people really need the help. Go to talkspace.com. Use the promo. Go kill Kill Tony. Save your own mental health. All right,, your, next, bucket, pool, everybody. We're flying through them tonight. You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for David Wayne. Everybody, it's David Wayne.

Uh, I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports and sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer will write the narrative. My bodywn camera was active during the arrest. They never wrote out that whole phrase. They would abbreviate it. So it would read, "My BWC was active during the arrest." Yeah, if you're laughing at that, you're my people. If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people. We just haven't been corrupted by the internet yet. Cuz if you're unaware in porn, BWC stands for big white [ __ ] Yeah. So now Davey reads a police report as my big white [ __ ] was active during the arrest.

And every one of those there was always an additional charge for resisting officer. AGAIN. NO [ __ ] DUDE. This guy's coming to me holding his nightstick and his baton. He was yelling out wild [ __ ] like blue shoes matter. It's crazy. Hell yeah, dude. So, obviously, if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that uh I really enjoy titty [ __ ] I do. I uh I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest hair. You guys have been great. Thank you

David, Wayne., Welcome,, David., Is, this, your, first, time on the show? Yes., Yes,, it, is.

I, love, it., Welcome., How, long, you, been doing standup? Uh,, like, 10, total,, but, six, serious., Six years.

Okay., Where, at? Uh,, Tampa. Tampa,, Florida., Wow. Shout, out, Sid, spplitters.

Yeah,, we, love filthy, Tampa. We, love, it., Is, that, where, you're, born and raised?

No,, I'm, from, Virginia, originally., Yeah. Okay., What, made, you, pick, Tampa?

Uh,, I, can't, af, uh, Well,, sorry. Wow., All, right., You, can't, afford, what?

I, thought, you, asked, me, why, did, you, pick Austin and that's what [ __ ] me up. So Tampa was a girl. My ex-girlfriend.

Oh,, okay., Everyone's, exed, up., What happened with this relation? How long were you with her for?

14, years. Oh, my, god., A, lot, of, long, relationships coming to an end. What went wrong? You rolled over on top of her.

No,, she, was, a, big, girl,, too. Oh,, okay., Look, at, you., Couple, of, How does it work?

You, got, to, do, the, lift,, you, know,, get in. Oh, my. A, lot, of, folds, and, fl, It's, like, origami, you know? You just get in there.

You're, bending, a, lot., There's Do, you, each, pick, a, side, to, push, all, your meat to?

I, wish., Dude, you, wish, that, you, did, pick, a, side. Yeah. Amazing., Um,, so, what, went, wrong, with this?

Uh,, I, started, doing, standup, comedy. That's, it., That'll, do, it basically., Yeah., I, mean,, cuz, this, is, you know, this is like a relationship and she she was a nurse and or is a nurse and she has a daughter. So, like I had to babysit, but also like go out and do [ __ ] That's why I was only six years. Like the first three and a half years I only got up like once a week and you're not going to get good doing that you know?

Okay., What, do, you, do, for, a, living? Uh,, I, work, in, a, mail, room, um, town, here.

Okay. Tell, more. Yeah. Like, postal, Tony. A, room., Not, a, room, filled, with, mail.

What, do, you, do, in, the, mail, room, exactly? We just checking all the packages.

Steal, coupons, from, TGI, Fridays. Check, all, the, packages. Tell, me, about, it., Oh, god., Get, Danny, Yang up here again. It's all I dare is check packages. Oh, it got too gay. D Madness is leaving. There he goes. Famous homophobe. The resident homophobe of the show. D Madness. He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode. There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia.

What, do, you, think, about, the, gays,, David Wayne? I, love, them. There, you, go., Good, answer., Okay., What else do you do, David? What are your hobbies? What do you have? Any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to probably uh win an oyster eating competition.

Um,, I, go, to, the, gym. Shut, the, [ __ ], up. I, do, what?, I, do, what? I, swear., I, swear, to, God,, I, go, to, the gym. Just for the smoothies. What do you get? What do you What do you do at the gym exactly?

I, got, out, of, a, 14., I'm, trying, to, slim this down. I've actually lost 65 lbs. So

Wow. Amazing. Amazing., What, exactly?, Take, us, through your routine at the gym. You go in with a gym bag.

Yeah,, it's, actually, at, my, office., So it's I get off work at 5. I go up to the gym.

Just, a, completely, inappropriate, sound effect. Go ahead. No,, I, just, go, to, the, gym,, work, out, for about an hour and a half. I do the stairmaster treadmill, and then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff you know, when I can. So, it's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on big man season. It's about to get cold, so

Yeah. Yeah., It's, It's, hot, here. Amazing., So,, now, you, live, by, yourself?

No,, I, have a, roommate. Oh,, okay., They, do, comedy,, too? Yeah. All, right., And, it's, a, two-bedroom?

Uh,, yeah., Two, bedroom, and, two, bath. Two, bath., Look, at, that., Look, at, you thriving. Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me

right?, Exactly. You have any weird eating habits? Um, what's, your, poison?, What's, your, just your go-to when you're when you're feeling sad? What do you cry and eat at the same time?

[ __ ] Yeah,, dude. [ __ ], yeah. Did, you, chip, your, tooth, eating, [ __ ] I'm, from, Florida., Yeah,, that, is, that's some [ __ ] Tampa dentistry right there. Real [ __ ] Picasso of teeth. That's amazing, David. Um, well, my goodness. When's the last time you were on a date David?

Um, Friday. This past Friday. Oh,, wow., Look, at, you,, Playboy. Yeah. Where'd, you, go, on, Friday?

We, went, out, to, a, place, off, Congress, South Congress, and came back to my house and, you know.

Wow., Look, at, you., You, closed, it, with her., You, you you, lifted, it, up, and

Oh,, yeah., Oh,, yeah., I, got, in, there. I, got, in, there,, baby. First, date, slam,, dog.

Well,, we've, been, dating,, but, yeah. Wow. No,, it's, uh, cuz, the, 14, relationship, I've only slept with like three people. So,

now, four,, I, guess., So, yeah,, they, slept, with, three, people,, too, at the same time. That's you. You're three people. You're three people. David, you're leaving here with a mediumsized joke book. Congratulations David. Thank you. There he goes.

All, right,, we're, just, going, to, keep going through it. We don't have another regular till the end of the show, so we're going to get some extra bucket pulls up here today. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's KJ, everybody. We're going to meet KJ together. Just two, letters., KJ.

MAKE, SOME, NOISE,, AUSTIN., LET'S, GO. [screaming] LISTEN, GUYS. I love my girlfriend. I'm going to marry my girlfriend, but she is a [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm serious. Like, I'm going to write a book and call it I'm in love with a [ __ ] Basically, she goes around complaining, always fighting, arguing with me. This is chapter one. Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story less long. She got a ingrown hair and then she's telling me it was herpes. And I was like, "What the fuck?" And then she's like "When was the last time you ever got tested?" And I was like "Baby, I've been tested before. I never had herpes.

I had chlamyia." Those are two different things. And I remember when the doctor called me and told me, I was crying. Like I was I was happy. Those were tears of joy. I wasn't sad. I was just happy that I didn't have herpes. That's my time. Thank you guys. Wow. All right. Sam Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end. Giving it up. Giving it up for another uh another dark hairy animal just like you, Sam. Just like your brother. Hi KJ. How are you? What ethnicity are you exactly? I identify as Italian.

I, bet, you, do. Wouldn't, that, be, nice?, But, what, are, you? Which, be? You're, what?

Sick. Okay. Yeah. Sick,, dude. Yeah. [ __ ], yeah., And, uh, are, do, your, parents know you do standup?

Uh, yeah., I, remember, when, I, told, my, dad, he was like, "You're not going to be [ __ ] Russell Peters."

Yeah. And, he, was, like,, "Be, like, a, truck, driver or something." Right. So,

how, long, you, been, doing, it?, To, be honest, I've been doing it for a while but I've only gone on like maybe 10, 15 shows, like open mics and stuff. I treated this like an open mic. That was the first time I ever performed that set. Probably the last time

right?, Yeah. Um, all, right. I, thought, it, would, crush., I'm, not, going to lie.

I, was, so, excited. What, What, What, was, the, punchline, you thought was going to get the big boom?

Uh,, you, go,, "My, girlfriend's, a, retard." A I I didn't I thought that was the setup but I was actually the the part where I was like getting herpes and then getting chlamydia. I thought that was funny.

And, that's, all, made, up,, too., I, don't really have herpes or Wow., Yeah. Is, your, girlfriend, cool, with, you, bombing and telling everybody she has herpes? Is that cool?

Yeah,, she's, happy. I just came here for fun. It's all fun at the end of the day.

You're, doing, a, good, job., You're, doing, a good job, KJ. What do you do for a living?

I'm, a, baggage, handler. A, baggage, handler?, Wow., They, let, you, put bags on airplanes.

Jesus, [ __ ], Christ., My, god., So,, you really do specialize in bombing and all jobs? This is incredible. That is not right. That is not right. Wow. A brown baggage handler. It's like it's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you. Am I right? For a living a black guy or having an Asian guy watch over your softboiled thing. Okay. Uh uh. Wow. Look at the serious look on CJ pandered to everybody instead. I thought that would have been funnier.

Uh, how, would, you, have, done, that?, What would you have done? Just, did, some, typical, Indian, jokes., I smell like curry. All that kind of [ __ ]

Do, you, have, jokes, like, that?, Can, you, do one for us? Uh, not off the top of my head. No.

Okay. I, don't, like, I, don't, like, to, pander, to white people. Normally,, you, do, have, a, lot, of, material on the top of your head, your people.

Normally, come, on,, baby., Come, on,, baby., We're doing it tonight. KJ,, what, does, your, mom, do, for, a, living?

Uh,, she, does, like, customer, service, at like a via Makes sense. Call, center., Does, she, work, at, a, call center? Uh, not like a call center, like more like front desk people, but she does take calls, obviously.

And, the, dad,, what, exactly, does, the, dad do? What kind of My, dad, works, at, like, a, lumber, like, mill. Lumber mill.

Oh,, lumber, mill., All right,, that's different. I wouldn't have expected that., All right,, KJ,, what's, your, love life like? You have a girlfriend that's real?

Yeah,, she's, real. Okay. She, doesn't, have, herpes. Sure. And, how, long, you, been, with, her?

Uh,, since, January,, February., Okay., All right. Where'd you guys meet? Uh, Agraba.

That, was, a, Princess, Jasmine, joke., I'm sorry. Is, she, Is, she, brown, as, well?

Yeah. She's, Indian. Yeah. Same, thing., All, All, the, way. All, the, way. [ __ ], Yeah.,

That's, how, they, do, it. Yep., Are, you, find, yourself, only attracted to those type of people?

No., I, Anybody, is, fine., I'm, not, racist, or anything like that. Okay,, perfect., Yeah., But, do, you, have, a preference? Like we just had Danny Yang up here. He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before. Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind?

Um,, not, really., It, doesn't, matter., I think all women doesn't matter. Like doesn't matter to me.

Yeah., You, have, herpes,, by, the, way. What, do, you, do, for, fun,, KJ?, You, have, any hobbies or anything like that? You uh

snowboarding., Like, to, ride, bikes., like to chill, play video games, like that.

Wow., Snowboarding., I, didn't, That's another I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that.

I, can, picture, maybe, sandboarding, or something like that or even water boarding I think your people are very good at. But but snowboarding is incredible. It's absolutely amazing.

Uh, KJ,, fun, times,, man., Come, sign, up again sometime next, week., It's, a, little, one., There, you go. KJ, everybody.

Thank, you, guys., I'm, going, to, keep, it, moving, along, here. Your next comedian. This name is familiar. We're going to see her again. It's Sarah Klein, everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time. Recently took home a dude who's an optometrist. Brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like "Okay, here's one finger and now here's two. Do we like the one?" I like the two a little bit better. Back to the one. Let's throw it over to a three. That one is for a stigmatism. Turns out I do have a stigmatism.

That is uh not the only form of tism that I have. Yeah, my ancestors came down the tism trail. It's a history joke. Uh I have what used to be called Asberers. They don't call it that anymore cuz it turns out the dude that it's named after is a Nazi. But also that's been coming back on Vogue. I don't know. But the rebranding is it's now called level one autism which for me as a gamer is mildly infuriating because I'm like, what do I got to do to get to the next level?

Wow,, Sarah,, Klein. Amazing, set., Thank, you. Fantastic., How, long, you, been, on, standup?

How, about, six, years? Six, years., Where, at,, Sarah?, Uh,, mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in like 2019.

Then, you, moved, to, Dallas. Yeah., And, then, Seattle, and, then, back, to Dallas.

Wow., What, made, you, move, to, Dallas? Uh,, the, pandemic, and, my, place, of, living closing down. I moved back with my parents.

Ah,, the, parents, are, in, Dallas., That makes sense. What in the world would make you move to Seattle?

Grad, school. Okay., Yeah,, that, makes, sense., What, did you get a degree in?

I, got, a, master, of, fine, arts, in, creative writing. Damn,, look, at, you., Unbelievable. Sarah, what do you do for a living?

Uhoh. Uh, I do catsitting. Oh, my, god,, I, think, you, hit, level, two. That is amazing. You're a professional cats sitter, one of the few animals that famously can be left alone and yet that is your specialty. One I mean that is just an incredible job. How did you start becoming a professional catsitter?

Um I uh you go to grad school and then you don't get paid over the summer so you find odd jobs.

Here's, a, cool, cat, right, here., It's, D Madness, everybody. Look at that. He's a cat that does a lot of sitting. And yet, we are here with a true cats sitter., Is, that a, cat, sitting, ever, gone wrong for you? Anything crazy ever happened?

I, mean,, I've, had, cats, that, like, want, to kill me? Yeah. Yeah., Okay. Occasionally,, like, a, couple.

What, have, they, done, to, try, to, kill, you? Take, us, through, it., I, mean,, like, they they like stalk me whenever I'm in like the premises and then they're like hissing and they're like following me and trying to like attack me and I have to like grab like a vacuum or something and be like

these, kittens., Wow., Maybe, they're, just playing with you. Our, senior, cat, correspondent,, Brian Redband, owns many cats. It's part of his identity. He loves his cats very much. She tells everybody that he should have cats. He's always covered in cat hair. Um, are they kittens?

Huh? Nothing., Uh,, what, do, you, do, for, fun, Sarah? Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot. Let's Let's [ __ ] really figure out how autistic you are.

Um,, well,, I'm, a, pole, dancer. Really?, Oh, my, goodness. For, fun,, not, for, money.

I, love, that. Uh,, I, like, to, go, birding. Okay,, tell, us, what, birding, is, exactly. It's bird watching. It's just like a little more active cuz you actually try to identify the species and you keep like a list.

Do, you, ever, find, yourself, like, trying, to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats?

No. No., All, right., Yeah., Okay. Do, you, do, anything, not, autistic? I, mean,, pole, dancing, is, pretty, not autistic. I mean, that's

by, yourself, is, still, autistic. And when you count exactly how many times you went around the pole. 75. Odd number. We're done.

Nobody, touched, those, ones, in, the, floor. I already counted them. Pole dancing. Birding. What do we got in the three spot? Sarah Klein.

Um,, I'm, a, poet. Oo, la. That's, what, I, went, to, grad, school, for. Wow., All right., What, do, you, specialize in? Haikus or? That's the only kind I know. So

and, just, like, contemporary,, freevere, confessional. Okay., So,, you're, like, Lil, Wayne, or something like that. Lil Weezy.

Sure., I, am. Yeah., All, right., What's, your, love, life like, Sarah? Have you ever

Have, I, Yes., Uh, I, didn't. Yes., Is there, any, chance, you're, a, gay, Chinese guy?

Oh, my, god., I, don't, know, why, this, keeps happening. Tony, I'm back. What's your love life like, Sarah Klein? You seem to have cool swagger to you. I like your style. That that little skeleton hands cool.

Okay. Uh, I, I, mean, I, was, in, a, long-term relationship like a year ago. Did, it, last, like, about, 12, years?

Oh,, okay. It, was, like, two, and, a, half. Oh,, that's, not, that, long. Yeah.

Tell, us, about, it., Was, he, autistic,, too? No,, I, don't, believe, so., We, met, in, grad school. He was also a poet. Wow, look at that. Just two poets cats sitting together.

Was, it, Was, it, clear, which, one, of, you, was a more gifted poet? Uh,, yeah., Me.

Wow., Look, at, that, drop. Who, paid, the, rent?, Who, paid, rent? You, shared, it.,

I, love, it., I, love, it., Do, you, make, good money cats sitting? What are we talking about here?

Uh, no. I don't know. I mean how, do, you, survive,, Sarah? My, my, parents, right, now.

Wow., And, how, much, are, you, in, debt, in college? None. None., It, was, all, paid, for., You, got

to, fully, funded., Yeah. Amazing. Look, at, that., Okay., So,, what, are, your plans for the future, Sarah? What are some shortterm goals that you have?

I, want, to, date, a, woman. Have, you, ever, tried, dating, a, woman? tried. Yes. Not six. I don't I haven't been on a date with a woman. No.

Okay., So,, when, you, say, try,, what, did, you do? I, babysat, her, cat, for, free.

Yeah. I, mean,, like,, I've, talked, to, women online on like dating apps. It just never

Okay. gotten, to, the, actual Have, you, ever, kissed, a, woman? Yes. Okay., Have, you, kissed, a, woman, in, Texas?

Yes., Have, you, kissed, a, woman, in, Austin, Texas? No. Whoa. My god. Do, you, want, to?, Is, there, a, beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss, everybody? Wow. There's a beautiful brunetta right there. Come on up, you [ __ ] Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Wow. She's actually quite beautiful. This is a what a special fan base we have. Give yourselves a hand. This is a little segment on the show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years. When the time is right, oh my god. Wow. Oh we are the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Talkspace.

That's Sarah already, moving, in, with, each, other. Are, you, damp, right, now?

Red, band., You, can't, say, that, to, people. Well, this is a professional show. We have sponsors. That's out of control. Are you all right? Uh, how do you feel right now, Sarah?

Good. Yeah,, that, was, a, that, was, a, pretty pretty girl. I, can't, complain.

Yeah., What, a Did, you, feel, something?, Was, there, a little fire? A, little, bit., Yeah.

A, little, scissors. I, felt, something., Yeah. Amazing., Amazing., Uh,, how, about, one, more time for the for the lady that did that? The hero. She's gone. Oh, she's signing a waiver.

I, love, it., We, have, to, make, sure, we, don't get sued by [ __ ] You know what I'm saying?

I, love, it., Sarah,, anything, else, crazy about your life? She's, already, getting, clingy,, dude.

Yeah,,, exactly. These, [ __ ], lesbians, are, wild,, dude. Now's, your, chance., Propose.

Yes., I, actually, I, talked, about, it, the last time I was on. I have two vaginas.

Oh, my, god. Do, you, like, Asian, girls? Okay,, hold, on, a, second. Sure. Yes., Then, there, could, be, three, vaginas you can't please at once. Redban be amazing. Hey, wait a second. Why would you say that about me? Oh, I immediately came and fell asleep. Oh, okay. Tell us more about these two vaginas. Somehow I don't remember that. I don't remember talking about this.

No, kidding,, Tony. Yeah,, exactly., Sounds, like, double trouble to me. Ew, double disgust. You were saying you have zero pieces or something like that. Somehow slipped my mind. Oh yes. Tell us about your two vaginas.

Yeah., Yeah., There's, like, there's, a septum dividing into like two canals. I have two services. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right.

Oh, my, god., So, it, literally, looks, like wow. I, mean, from, the, outside, it, looks, normal. Like it's just one set of labia. It's like when you actually go inside and

Oh, my, god. It's, like, a, trap, door. this. No,, it's, like, two, smaller, vaginas, on each other's shoulders under one trench coat. Tim [ __ ] Butterly. Oh my god.

Not, evenly, divided, though., One, is actually like infant size. They had to use like a pediatric spect.

Redband, just, came, in, his, pants everybody. Wow. An infantsized vagina. He's literally googling you right now. This is incredible. In real time.

Wow. Do, you, have, a, regular, hole, and, a premium? Oh, my, god. Incredible. I, don't, mean, to, I I, hate, to, hit, you, guys with all this jargon. This is amazing. Double vaginas is absolutely incredible. So, do you ever do anything with the infant size one? Do you ever put like a Zen pouch in there or anything?

No. Okay., What, have, you, done, with, it?, Have you ever like the the tip of a pinky? Anything?

Yeah,, I'm, sure, there's, been, like, a finger or two in there at times. Pick, you, up, like, a, six-pack,, right?

Sure. Jesus, [ __ ], Christ. Did, you, consider, saving, one, of, them, for marriage?

Yeah. Wow. No. My, goodness., Your, lesbian, friend, seems, very, excited to perhaps have the old entree and side dish. This is like when you get to pick two at a PF Changs. Two entre. I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the uh steak with broccoli.

Do, they, share, the, period?, Like, is, there like a like or do you Yeah, it's, a, double, period, or, an, exclamation point. What's it like?

Yeah., Uh is, it, a, tsunami? I You, say, tsunami, three, times., Danny, Yang comes out of nowhere. Be careful. Oh my god. I'm back. Double vaginas. A white girl from Texas with two vaginas. I have two slits, too. They're called my eyes.

Oh,, yes. What, did, I, ask, you?, What, was, the, last question? Uh,, I, mean,, I, guess, it, might, be, like heavier than a normal. My uterus is also like an anomaly. It's shaped weird. It's kind of like doublehornedish.

Wow,, this, is, amazing., Yeah,, red, band somehow came in his pants on infant vagina and I can clearly see he's hard yet again immediately.

And, and, and, you're, not, calling, your butthole a vagina like most girls right? No. Okay.

No,, that, that's, it's, the, old, Red, B., You are really something else. You, are, really, something, else., Red, B.

And, have, we, covered, Have, you, ever considered using both at the same time?

I, mean,, if, it's, a, hand,, yes., No,, I, mean, you know what I mean? Actually, don't [ __ ]

They, have, to, use, a, pediatric, speculum, to look in there, so it's real small.

Wow., Pediatric, speculum, is, actually This, boy, is, so, fired, up, right, now., It's crazy.

I, didn't, know., I've, never, heard, anybody say my Wi-Fi password out loud, but pediatric speculum is my Wi-Fi password. Stay away from my house. Do not log onto my Wi-Fi. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't leak information like this but pediatric speculum.

Pediatric, speculum, 420., Redban, keeps having me say 420 because pediatric speculum is too easy to guess. So, I had to throw a few numbers there at the end.

You, can, actually, go, in, the, uh, merch store right now and buy a kill pediatric speculum as this episode airs.

Heidi,, the, new, flight, swatter., We, do have a brand new Kil Tony fly swatter that is for sale. You may remember a last couple episodes ago there was a lot of flies. So, our merch guy, actually how about a hand for Brandon? He's actually here tonight. Our merch guy, uh, along with the great McVader decided to make fly swatters. We might have to do a kill Tony pediatric speculum. Wow. Is there any other times I just find this to be such a compelling interview. Are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV has uh has um has affected your life in any way?

Um, let, me, ask, you, this., This, might, be, this is getting crazy. This is like old school stern interview [ __ ]

Oh,, no. But, have, you, noticed, when, a, guy's, gone down on you, right? Have you noticed that he slips into Is there a way to slip into both with a tongue?

Probably, not., It's, It's, like It's, in, there. Yeah., That, you, have, to, go, in, a, little bit to get to where

is, it, like, is, it, down?, Is, there, like, a map that you can draw? Exactly.

Tell, us, where it's, like, a, choose, your, own, adventure, right? That's how it goes.

Kind, of., Yeah. Is, it, by, the, cauliflower?, Like, is, it next to it like on the

clock?, Red. That's, crazy. Red, band., You're, being, bad, tonight., Red, band.

It's, not, good., Stop, it. Is, it, by, the, cauliflower? No, I'm kidding. We're familiar with We don't have I know he doesn't know what call He doesn't

He's, never, seen, real, cauliflower. But, seriously,, have, you, ever, considered calling at a bonus level?

No,, I, haven't. That's, a, free, one,, [ __ ], Take, it. Unbelievable. Sarah, we love you.

I'd, love, to, have, you, on, the, secret, show. Very bad red band. She's getting two sets. Oh my god. Abs Madness is in heaven right now. He's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is the least gay thing ever. So, he is so happy right now. Wow. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give you one big joke book and one smaller joke book. And I'm going to hide the smaller joke book. You're going to have to find it. It's going to be quite the adventure for you. The great Sarah Klein everybody. Amazing.

Wow. Wow. 17-minute long interview. What's the What's the lesson here, people? Have two vaginas. Oh, look at this one vagina [ __ ] Boring. Oh my god. That is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum. Can you imagine though? She had two vaginas, dude. If if Heidi had two vaginas we'd retire. Just, kidding., I'm, gay., All right,, make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Fy.

[ __ ], yeah,, mother, [ __ ] Damn. I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist. So now whenever he says some [ __ ] up racist stuff, he goes, "No homo." Afterwards, bro., It's, kind, of like, a, flashbang., The black guy don't even remember the n word he just said. He's like, "You call me gay?" No. Yeah. Know grandpa's [ __ ] even like Ultima will go by with no bumper. He's like "Black lady, no cap." I love that you know these terms, dude. I remember in high school I was dating this Puerto Rican chick and he compared her to a pitbull.

He's like, "You feel safe in your house and you look cool in public, but at some point he's going to try to bite your sister-in-law." Damn. I was really hoping for a meow so the pitbull could bite it right there. All right. No., Yeah., I, don't know., Gramp, is, cool. Like, cuz, like like, I, said,, it's, like, a flashbang when he goes no homo. The black guy thinks he's calling him gay and he's like, "Listen, I have no problem with it's just blacks."

All, right,, that's, my, time., Thank, y'all. Joe, Vy,, what, a, great, set., Best, set, that you've ever had on the show, I do believe.

For, sure. Hell, yeah., That's, fantastic., There's nothing I love more than when people seem to be getting better. And you seem to be getting better. How long you been on Stand Up now?

Uh, three, and, a, half,, four, years, probably. Three, and, a, half, years., And, how, long have you been hiding underneath everybody's beds? Where do you do it? Are you you live in Austin Texas?

Uh,, yeah., Until, the, night., I'm, moving, to New York tomorrow. You're, moving, to, New, York?, Yeah.

OH, MY, GOD., WOW. YEAH., I, got, my, job, back, at, Amazon,, which I lost on my first kill. Tony

you, lost, because, of, talking, about, it, on the show. Oh,, not, they they, they, had, more, problem with the [ __ ] and the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon.

It, was, the, It, was, the, follow-up questions that Maybe, you, shouldn't, talk, about, it, right now, though. Huh?

Yeah. Are they going to be cool with Are they going to be cool with that? Actually,, I, They, didn't, have, a, problem with They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys them people trying to be proactive.

I'm, going, to, lose, this, [ __ ], job. Oh,, wow., Amazing., So,, Joe,, what, else, is going on? Are you excited about New York? Have you been there?

Yeah,, that's, where, I, started., comedy, was up in New York and then like I ran JFC Entertainment out here just running shows in Austin for two years.

JFC, that's jokes, for, comics., I, don't know., I, always do like really runchy jokes. I always like

I, thought, that, was, John, Dez's, meal, plan. JFC just fried chicken. That's what

But, no. Okay. Red, man. Austin, was, super, nice, to, me., Like, I, ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills and now I just Broadway comedy and a couple clubs up there. nice enough let me come run some shows up there. So I'll go try New York.

I, love, it., Joe,, what, are, you, doing, for Halloween exactly? Because it looks like you celebrate.

Uh,, I'm, probably, going, to, be, in, Time Square barking for my show cuz I only sold like 12 tickets so far.

All right., Okay., 12, tickets., Okay., Test out the bark. Let's see. What are you going to be yelling out there?

All, right., Very, good., Very, good. It, works, with, this, face., It's, like, a make a wish.

Okay., Uh,, all, right. I love it. What's your love life like Joe? Yeah., What, is, it, like?

Last, time, we, talked, about, this,, I, had, a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me. So, I rather not mess with a single mom owned business.

What's, the, dollhouse? [ __ ], All right., Well,, they, changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet. They have like the same food but a different name now.

Is, this, the, guy, that, came, inside, the girl? Oh,, okay. Oh,, no., No., That, was, like, a, yay, tall like Guatemalan.

Oh,, wow., Okay., You, specialize, in, uh, race recognition. Someone let you nut in them. Someone let you nut in them

for, like, 200, extra, on, the, $75, manager special. Wait,, that, really, happened?

I, can't, I, They, actually, like, They, tried to take me to court. Dollhouse like tried to have me like I legit cannot talk about this.

Wait,, hold, on., Because, of, what, you, said on Kill Tony. Yes,, they, got, 20,000, follows, that, night and and every single mother from the dollhouse was telling me how I was running a single motherowned business. And then the little fat [ __ ] uh,

oh, my, god, we're, already, here., But, yeah,, the, little fat [ __ ] who runs the place was like "Did Heidi put you up to it?" I'm like "If Heidi DMs me, you're not going to see me signing up for Kill Tony anymore." Like, I made it. All right then.

Wow., This, is, absolutely, incredible., You are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show. You just lost your job, got a new lawsuit and didn't sell a ticket to your New York show at the same time.

Listen,, sales, in, two, weeks, are, going, to be, all, right, up, there., All right., If, I sell 20 tickets at Broadway, he's got me a free slice of pizza. That's

Wow., Look, at, that. And, seven, minutes. Look, at, that., Unbelievable. Tim Butterly, what do you think about this guy? I see you're in awe right now staring right down the barrel of what appears, to, be, one, of the, villains, from Superman 4. a huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set. I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes.

I, mean,, I'm, not, that not, even, sure, which, questions, to, ask., I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life?

I, mean,, my, mom's, not, vaccinated,, but, she took Tylenol, so I'm meeting John Cena at some point.

Yeah,, for, sure., What, else?, What, do, you think? Do you have brothers and sisters?

Yeah,, but, they, all, have, a, different, mom and they look to be all right. Like I think my mom was It definitely It's definitely not from my dad's side. That's a

Do, you, think, perhaps, when, you, were, born you came out of your the wrong uh hole? Perhaps, some, some, women, I, don't, know if you know this, some women have a double vagina. You would need a pediatric speculum.

I, know., I, was, a, C-section, for, sure., I was a big No way. You were complete my friend.

I've, had, this, head, since, birth., Like, I, I was born with this brow ridge. Like the the kid photos look the same.

Yeah., It, is, amazing., You, look, inbred. Yeah. On, the, evolution, of, man., You're, about three in for sure. I

I, hate, that., This, is, the, second, time I've been called inbred in this room. Holman called me that like 6 months ago when I was sitting right there.

He, Yeah,, that's, what, you, look, like. That, is I, don't, pick, what, I, look, like., I, just got to go with it.

You're, damn, right,, buddy. I'm, like, a, Ford, Pinto., All right., At some point you're going to look cool with me around you.

I, love, it., I, love, it., I, I, love, it. A, real, heartfelt, moment, about, his monster head.

Uh,, what's, your, dick, like,, Joe? Uh,, it's, like, a, party, size, Nyquil bottle.

Okay., Partysiz Nyquil bottle. Party. Big, or, small? I, can't, tell. They, don't, make, it,, so, you, have, to imagine it. It's only a family size. There's no party size in Nightquil. That'd be crazy.

Wow., You, are, crushing, Joe, Fy., You're killing it. Amazing stuff. You already have a big joke bug.

Wow., If, you, only, had, a, few, more If you only had You're, leaving, tomorrow, to, fight, James Bond or something like that, right?

That, is, true., Has, anyone, ever, told, you you look like every version of Jaws?

I'll, take, it., Yeah,, I, got, some, pretty [ __ ] up teeth, too. Is that what you're going for? I was about to say I Listen, health insurance is not good with Amazon. If I'm already fired, [ __ ] it. Yeah, their health insurance is We're already there.

Wait,, you, can, get, me, a, job, at, the, Dojo, right? I make a hell of a door guy. Like, I'll headbutt some people. Mike's up there. Go talk to him.

The, owner, of, the, dojo, just, in, Jersey. What part of Jersey? It's, in, Morris, Plains., He's, the, dojo, of micro Melli.

I'll, be, living, on, Staten, Island., That's like a ferry ride or train ride whatever it is.

You're, hired,, bro. [ __ ], yeah., I'll, take, it. Wow., There, you, go., Dreams, are, coming true. There goes Joe Fy, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank, you. Thank you. One more time for Joe Fy, everybody. Hell yeah. We're having a good old time tonight. Bucket pool number nine, everybody. How amazing. We're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend and we ain't seen the sunshine since.

I, just, want, to, say, you're, crushing tonight, dog. You're so [ __ ] funny dude.

Well,, you, guys, are, the, best., Tim, samripolley.com timbutterley.com. Six podcasts between the two of them. Tinfoil hat. Deep dish. Dad meat.

Deep, water. Broken simulations. Broken, simulations., Deep, waters., All right. He's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo. So if you guys would like, how many of you think he should release the group chat?

Tripoli,, Rogan,, Alex, Jones,, and, Eddie Bravo,, ladies, and, gentlemen., All right. Make noise for your next bucket pool. It's Jay Maguire, everyone. Jay Maguire. All right, here we go. Uh, yeah. Shut up, [ __ ] Jesus Christ. This [ __ ] douchebag is already go [ __ ] talking [ __ ] I can't. Sam, we're going to talk ancient occult later.

Yeah,, for, sure., For, sure., Tony's, looking at me. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I get it. Shut the, [ __ ], up., Here, we, go., All right., So, uh, Tony, um, you look and sound like if uh uh, what is this? I drank way too MUCH TONIGHT. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. FOR SURE. FOR SURE. Tony looks and sounds like if, uh Woody Allen [ __ ] Woody Harlson and shot out Woody from Toy Story. Yeah I'll take that. Yeah. Sam likes it. There you go.

I'm, uncomfortable. Yeah., Yeah,, I'm, uncomfortable,, too., Cuz fact, this cunt's got [ __ ] seven thrones and a golden Rolex on. So, we'll go for that. Yeah. Don't look at me like that. You got a ponytail and a part. We're not doing this right now. All right. Jesus [ __ ] Christ. YEAH. SO UH YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. OH, YEAH. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Shouldn't have drank this much. Yeah. Awesome.

All, right., I'm, going, to, stop, you, there. Jay Maguire. My goodness gracious. Did you prepare anything for today?

I, I, did., I, I, got, hammered, and, got, a, rib broken yesterday. So, yeah. Oh, my, god., Okay., How, did, you, break, your rib yesterday?

Uh, some, [ __ ], [ __ ], punch, me., That's what happens. Okay., So,, well,, exactly, what, made, the, uh [ __ ] punch you?

Well,, HE, OWED, THE, OTHER, [ __ ], money, and he was a smaller [ __ ] so I stepped in for, you know, the smaller [ __ ]

Okay. Yeah., Red, Band,, smoke, a, [ __ ] cigarette. You need it. [sighs] All right., I, love, it., You're, like, a, bad roaster. Tim Butterly, first of all excellent set. Uh

YEAH., YEAH., FIRST, TIME, IN, a, year, and, a half and a [ __ ] For sure. Could, you, get, the, breathalyzer

for, really, quickly?, Really, quickly, would you mind looking at that brick wall to over there really quickly? Just It's going to take a second. Look at that brick wall over there.

I'm, used, to, doing, that, with, a, blondeyed, blue-eyed [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. Turn to the right.

Yeah., Yeah., Gotcha., I, have, a, specific question and this would really help me.

Okay. So,, look, now., Is, there, Yeah,, just, look at that wall. And is is this Mark from a a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself?

No. Look, over, Please, look, over, there, cuz they dude this is the only thing that might be funny about this.

Sam,, can, you, get, into, this?, Cuz, he's bombing at this point. Oh, my, god.

Jay,, you, are, the, worst. Yeah. How, much, do, you, think, you, drank,, Jay? I, drank, way, too, much,, Tony., If, I, knew Sam was here, we'd be talking about ancient tax and a cult [ __ ]

Wow., Look, at, your, fan, base,, Sam. I, remember, 18, and, 12, years, ago, when, I started and you took me to La Hoya to open for you and you were the first guy I ever saw do an hour. I thought to myself, I want to be like him when I grow up. I want to be like Sam Tripoli. And now I'm here to tell you

I, am, so, glad, I, didn't, end, up., Okay,, here we go. Let's do the breathalyzer, ladies and gentlemen.

Good, enough. God,, this, guy, looks, like, a, [ __ ], coked up gremlin. Look, at, this, piece, of, [ __ ], What, do, we got?

I, blew, better, than, HER, FAKE, TIT., SO, let's keep it moving. We, got, nothing, there,, HEIDI. [screaming]

YEAH. What, happened? Yeah., Yeah., Shut, up. That, can't, that, can't, be, right., Okay., Or it can be right and he's not drunk and just sucks.

Yeah. Keep, blowing., We, have, to, teach, Heidi, how to use this thing before the next episode does. What do we got?

Okay., Well,, let, let's, just, skip, it. Zero. Mothership, should, afford, a, better [ __ ] breathalyzer, right?

Wow., You, are, the, worst, of, all, time. You're just horrible., All, right,, go, ahead., There, he goes.

I, love, it. All, right,, you, get, nothing., Jay Magguire. There you go. Put the mic in the mic, stand.

Yeah., Yeah., Thanks,, Tony. All, right,, PAL. GLAD, I, GOT, [ __ ], FACE, for, this.

You're, okay., You're, all, right., Thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy. All right. Fist bump from Sam. Sam

my, people. God, that guy. Man, I just wish I could talk to Sam. Good. Bro, that guy would kill somebody for me, so I'm fine with that. It would that would be the only way he could kill is, a, human., All right,, your, next, bucket pull goes by the name of Ram B. Everybody, let's see what happens with Ram B. Hell yeah. One more time for Ram B everyone.

Thank, you., Thank, you. It's getting a good Yeah, it's getting a good look at all the people who going to try to [ __ ] on my dreams tonight. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. So, I was in a Walgreens recently uh getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me [ __ ] on my dreams, you know. And uh it said, "Vaccinate. Get vaccinated. Get rewarded." I was like "Whoa, rewarded [ __ ] I got to go check this out, right?" And I said "Well, rewarded with what?" AIDS. You, know what, I, mean?, Like,, yeah., Let, me get a two scoops of AIDS.

Uh, let's see. Let me get some autism sprinkles on there. Baby girl, what you want? Two. Okay. My daughter, she want two scoops of autism. Throw some measles on there. Yeah, measel syrup. Thank you. Yeah, that'd be great. Um, I was thinking, uh, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? It'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them but I CAN'T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION CUZ THAT would make me a snitch.

Thank, you. God damn. Yo,, what's, up,, Randy?, This, is, your second time on the show, am I right?

Third., Yeah., Yeah,, I, was, on, the, bags, and boxes one and then the uh Oh,, the, bags, and, boxes

and, then, got, a, little, and, uh, then, uh after that. Hey,, so, was, I., We're, reunited.

Look, at, that. Shane., Yeah. You, remember, him? Yes,, sir., Yeah, absolutely., Welcome, back., What, did, we learn about you in your interviews before Rambi?

Uh, yeah,, I, uh, lived, in, Wisconsin, for, a long time. Lived in Arizona for a long time. I think I talked about uh the uh ecstasy ring thing. Uh

you, have, a, fantastic, voice. Oh,, thank, you., Yeah,, I, sang, one, time, on here.

You, did., What', you, say? Yeah., Um, original, song, that, was, just, it was on the Bags and Boxes episode right after Bags and Boxes. I was I was right after Jay Legend and sang that. Yeah. I sucked or Jay sucked.

That's, cool. You're, good. Can't, let, that, audience, affect, you. Yo,, I, don't, care., Um, but, yeah,, so, that was a fun episode though. I'll tell you that. That was uh hilarious to me at least.

Has, anything, happened, since, then?, Since those episodes came out? Has Kill Tony changed your life in any way?

I've, had, some, cool, people, come, up, to, me and, you know, and people, you know congratulated me and stuff. Uh there was a cat, uh I was walking down the street actually about a week ago, and a dude just stopped. He's like, "Hey." And you know, I'm it's Sixth Street, so I'm a little like, "Hey, mother," you know [ __ ] You know, and uh he was like, "I saw you on Kill Tony, man. Keep it going. You I think you're funny as fuck." You know, so that felt good. That was, cool., You, know what, I'm, saying?

Okay., So,, no,, not, really, anything, as affected. It appears as though other than vagrants yelling at you on the street

pretty, much., Yeah., Yeah., Yeah., Uh, but yeah, you know comedy, is, going, good., What, do, you, do, for work?

Yeah., I'm, actually, uh, don't, have, a, job right now, but uh I was working at a uh rhymes with rectum.

Uh, you, know what, I'm, saying?, So,, uh, what call call center call center that rhymes with rectum

rectum spectrum. Ah,, you, said, it., pediatric, suit, or nothing. So,, uh,, how, long, ago, did, you, lose, this job?

Uh,, well,, I, quit, it, about, three, weeks ago,, to, be honest. What, made, you, quit?

Um,, they, wanted, me, to, sell, This, is, going to come sound crazy, but they wanted

I, couldn't, show, up, unless, they, said Candyman in the mirror three times. You, You, wouldn't, do, it., You, wouldn't, do it. Candyman is what the clerk at 7-Eleven calls Redban. Oh, there he is. The Candyman is back again. Oh, look who's back in. The Candyman Red B. Oh, with the funny sound effects on Kil Tony and the inappropriate questions to the ladies.

Oh,, God, now. The, Candyman, can, too, much., The, Candyman, can. Yeah. All right. What the [ __ ] were we just talking about? Oh, yeah. The job.

I, got, how, I, quit., Well,, the, reason, I quit the job was cuz they wanted me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people and and just the stress of the job. It was something I didn't want to do. And I'm like, yo, I'm not doing that.

Look, at, you,, a, man,, a, princess. You, know what, I, mean?, I, mean,, I'm, just being real, you know.

So,, they, wanted, you, to, sell, explain, to me what what do you mean by like,, okay,, so,, you, know,, you, supposed if somebody calls, you know, you're supposed to

uh,, you, know,, try, to, retain, them, as, a customer right? Yeah., And, so, basically, I, was, like, nah, you, know,, I'm, not,, you, [clears throat] know, or you know, I'm not doing that because they're calling it for somebody who's dead, you know, like this, this isn't even a relative. I felt like, nah I'm not getting into all that. You know I'd be mad if somebody called me like you know, my daddy died or something you know?

I, would, I'll, be, pretty, pissed, if, they were like, "You still want Spectrum?" I'd be like "Hey, [ __ ] you, buddy." You know, what, I, mean?, You, know what, I, mean?

So, they, wanted, to, have, deceased, people continue to pay for pretty, much, Democratic, voters., That's exactly what I was just going to say.

That, is, incredible., I, mean,, I, didn't realize. No, it's great. I didn't realize

I, didn't, realize, [ __ ], Nancy, Pelosi was running Spectrum. That's, incredible.

Every, vote, they, can, get. Yeah., You, know,, I, actually, like sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like that was that DMX. I actually wanted to get like that on the phone like, "Fuck you. I DON'T CARE IF IT KEEPS fetching cuz the customers, you know,, you, know what, I, mean?, It, was, it was it was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out." You know what, I, mean?, You, have, that, little recording thing on your thing. You can get a moment if I had him say something.

You, don't, have, it?, Oh,, okay. I, mean,, it's, uh, You, could, take, the audio., What, do, you, want, me to, say?

Just, say,, "What's, up,, [ __ ], This, is Kill Tony." WHAT'S, UP,, [ __ ] NO,, NO,, NO,, NO,, NO,, NO,, NO,, NO., I, don't want you to try to do anything or anything. I I like your style, the exact way that you talk. Just do it normal.

Say, it, say, the, exact, words, again, actually, cuz I've done voice over. I'm trying to make sure.

Go., Ladies, and, gentlemen, and [ __ ] this is Kill Tony. Yo,, ladies, and, gentlemen, and [ __ ] this [snorts] is Kill Tony.

Perfect. Absolutely, perfect. Your set was terrible, but your voice is so amazing. I'm giving you a big joke book. Ram B. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my second one. I appreciate you brother.

You, got, it., You, can, sell, one, when, you run out of money next week. All right, we're going to keep it moving along real quick here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Freriedman. Your final bucket pull of the night. One more time, Alex Freriedman. Everybody clap your hands for Alex.

Man,, I, got, to, tell, you,, I've, been, trying to get myself out more often, and I met a girl who told me, "Oh my god, it's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy. There's only one problem. I Filipino." But I didn't tell her that. I WAS LIKE "YEAH, I LOVE BAMBOO. IT'S ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S MY FAVORITE fruit and Manny Pacquiao. He's my cousin father." So I suck at dating, especially because I have social anxiety. So I go to orgies. Yeah. You know, people often ask me "Aren't you afraid of getting drugged?"

I'm like, "What are you kidding me? THAT'S WHAT I'M THERE FOR. I'M HOLDING OUT MY CUP LIKE I'M ASKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE. PLEASE, I NEED TO BE DRUGGED IF I'M GOING TO BE HERE. AND IF YOU'RE TRYING TO [ __ ] ME, SO DO YOU. AH, it's true though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past, and the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even Diddy was there. But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it. It was like seeing Betty White getting pile dragged by Joe Biden.

You're welcome for that image, by the way. But then this other guy, he walks in and he's like, "Oh god, WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BROKEN DREAMS and disappointment? It basically SMELLS LIKE THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION." THE OLD GUY, HE WAS LIKE

"All, right., All right,, Alex., That's, good enough. Good stuff. How are you, Alex?"

Hey,, I'm, good. Is, this, your, first, time, on, the, show? This, is, my, first, time, on, the, show.

You're, adorable., Look, at, you., How, old are you? I'm, 33. 33., Wow., Look, at, you.

What, do, you, do, for, work,, Alex?, Well,, I'm a software engineer and I got to tell you, I've seen some weird [ __ ] on people's computers. They got incest beastiality, open mic schedules. Truly terrifying stuff.

Look, at, you., You're, ready, for, this, Alex. How long you been doing standup?

Uh,, about, 10, months. 10, months., Unbelievable. Amazing. Tell us more about you, Alex. Look at your big goofy eyes.

Alex, looks, like, uh, if, the, police, hired, a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar. Hey, you know what? I take it as a compliment.

Tell, us, about, your, life,, Alex Freriedman. All right., Okay., So, all, right., Here, we, go.

I, was, adopted, from, Peru., My, mom, is, from uh Queens. My dad is from Cuba. And well, I was raised in New York City.

Okay. Yeah. All, right., How, long, have, you, been, here for? I've, been, in, Austin, for, about, uh, less than a day now. I just flew in today.

Wow. Yeah., From, a, wedding, in, Chicago,, but, I came here. I left early cuz you guys are my family.

Wow., Look, at, you., Oh, my god. Well,, we, kind, of, just, met., Let's, kind, of feel this out first. This is incredible.

He, has, the, Verizon, eyebrows, I, was talking about earlier. Look at Look, at, those, things., Oh, my, goodness. Alex, what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old?

Well,, Mama, Coco, passed, away. Hey, don't you talk [ __ ] about with Coco. No, but so I was I was working remote as a game developer for like the longest time and you don't get to meet anybody.

Speaking, of, games,, you, look, like, Super Mario. It's, true. Hey,, tell, me, about, it., You, know,, the worst part is every time I come, it sounds like Okay.

My, god,, you, have, the, delivery, of, someone that's so much funnier than you. You have this crisp, confident delivery. Like the the the the the substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing. I love it.

Oh,, thank, you., I, appreciate, it. Yeah.,, Jump, for, jump, for, us, a couple times. Jump up.

Wow., Red, Red, Band's, comedic, timing, is incredible. Do the small jump. Jump again. You have to wait till he does it. You have the benefit of looking at him. Hey you're giving me a workout over there.

There, you, go., Heidi,, bring, out, the turtle. I, love, it., Switch,, switch,, switch, switch hands with the microphone. [sighs]

Alex,, what's, your, love, life, like?, You seem like the kind of guy that'll [ __ ] absolutely anything.

Oh, man., Love, life?, I, haven't, found, love yet. Yeah,, I've, dated, around, quite, a, while. Yeah.

And, uh, it, it, hasn't, worked, out,, so, I'm taking a break. You're, a, sweet, guy., Have, you, ever, Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?

No,, not, yet. You, want, to? Is there a girl out there that'll give Alex Freriedman a kiss? Anybody? No. There's one. Look at this. Come on up, sweetheart.

Okay. Look, at, this., She, thought, about, it, and everything. Oh my god. Some hot chicks coming up here tonight. This is incredible.

Can, we, tap, out? Very, good. You're really putting me on the spot here. Why?, What's, wrong?, You're, gay?

No., Absolutely, not. What, do, you, mean, I'm, putting, you, on, the spot? You're not excited right now?

No., No., No., No. Dude,, I've, just, never, done, this, before. It's, really, easy., You, just, slow, and, then you just shoot your tongue right in

real, quick, before, she, gets, Wow., He'll fly his lady. Ladies, and, gentlemen,, how, about, a, hand for this beautiful lady? Two in one night. This is the boy's first Texas kiss. The adorable big eyed Alex Freriedman. And what's your name sweetheart?

Tail. What, is, it? Tail. Tail. Well,, she, might, have, a, dick,, dude. Just, call, me, Ty.

Wow., Ladies, nice, to, meet, you. Oh, my, god,, he, is, so, adorable., It's, very nice to meet you, he said. And now give that Will you give this sweet boy a real kiss? Show them how it's done in Texas. Wow. Unbelievable. What a [ __ ] What an evening we've had here tonight.

You, can just got some Bollywood [ __ ] bro. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Look at you.

And, who, knows?, Maybe, may, maybe What, can, I, say? Look, at, that. I, mean, how do you feel right now?

You, know, what?, I, feel, good., I, feel excited. This is awesome TO BE AROUND HERE WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE. YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CROWD AND we got some really awesome host. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. You did it all tonight, Alex. Congratulations.

Freriedman, ladies and gentlemen, a wild, adorable boy. Alex, here's a big joke book. Oh, Jesus. You didn't catch that, but you probably have HPV now after that kiss. Congratulations.

How, do, you, feel,, Alex?, You, good? He's, hard,, dude., Come, on. Oh,, yeah., Look, at, that, dick,, dude.

WOW. ALEX, you're the one of the first comedians we've ever HAVE, YOU, BEEN, JERKED, OFF, IN, AUSTIN, YET? You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT, DANNY? GET BACK OUT HERE.

I, bet, you, can't, wait, to, slide, down, this flag pole. Hey, see me after the show. I got some special gold coins just for you.

Alex,, nothing, you, say, makes, any, sense, but you say it with such conviction. It's incredible. You are amazing, Alex.

Thank, you. Tell, us, one, more, before, I, let, you, go., I just find you to be so compelling. Tell us one more fun fact about your life. like you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that?

Yeah., Yeah,, I've, been, playing, guitar, for the past 20 years. Okay., What, else?, Other, than, playing guitar.

All, right., Uh, aside, from, playing, guitar, uh I also like earned a black belt in uh Kempo.

You, have, what? A, black, belt, on, Kempo., I've, also, been doing Can, you, show, us, Can, you, put, the, mic, in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket and the erection away and and can you show us a little bit? Can you give us a little air karate? Let's do a little [ __ ] nice and easy. Michael come on. No. Show us. No. Show us your fighting for real. Put the jokebook in your [ __ ] pocket. Jesus Christ. Whoa. Oh my god. All right., Whoa., That, you're, a, black belt. Come on. Seriously, pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you.

Show, us, some, [ __ ], moves,, dude. Some, kata. Jesus Christ. Whoa., Okay. All right. He's really Whoa. Oh. Oh my goodness. Wow. Turns out I can beat the [ __ ] out of a black belt. It's incredible. What an amazing night tonight, is., All right,, there, he, goes. Alex Freriedman. All right, go. Get out of here, you little cutie pie. You sweet little [ __ ] Baked butterbean. You what a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen. And I got to tell you, there's only one way to end a show like this. But there's going to have to be two ways to end a show like this because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick. everyone.

So, the big red machine, the American hero is nowhere to be found. However, we went to Eastern Europe. And we found an undeniable force that without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin Ari.

What's up? So, I just found out that uh [ __ ] is a slur. I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time. Like if there's an active shooter behind you, I'm not going TO BE LIKE, "OH, THEY THEM." , NO,, I'm, going TO, BE, LIKE, "THEN GET DOWN TO THE GUN. [ __ ] GUN

and I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been, sir? Man, they're good. They trick you. You can't tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell. But you can tell when it's too late. You can tell when you eat their [ __ ] and it tastes like dick. But so what? [ __ ] happened to me. So what? [ __ ] you. They got me. They got me. It is what it is. I'm a straight man. I take it on the chin. I move on. Like if you [ __ ] a [ __ ] and you have to go through an existential [ __ ] crisis, you gay. If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude. You know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say touch.

GG. You got me. That's how straight I am. I can [ __ ] a dude and feel nothing, dude. The mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. What a [ __ ] star. Holy [ __ ] You've done it again.

His, work, ethic,, his, writing,, his execution. And this guy works harder than everybody in the city, by the way. I'm out almost every [ __ ] night of the week doing a few spots and this [ __ ] is doing five, six, seven eight nine. Nonstop new material. Nonstop [ __ ] I mean, you are just out of this world.

I, didn't, know, how, far, to, go, with, that joke. Like,, should, I, just, keep, going?

Keep, going., Just, like, No,, not, now., But, I mean, not, now,, but, I, mean, like, I, don't, know. Oh yeah. I didn't know what the end of that joke is. I was just feeling it out like

there's, no, end. There's, the, random, audience, member, is correct in, your, ass., That's, what, you're, feeling out.

There, is, no, end., Unbelievable, [ __ ] stuff. Absolutely incredible. The shortening of the word to get to [ __ ] is just so funny. It's right there. Immediately when you said that, I'm like, "Wow, just such a perfect execution of a [ __ ] joke." Um, amazing. How what what is your writing process like? Like what what do you do? You sit down and try to think of it. You start with a thing and take it on stage. How does it

It, is, hard., Like, it's, not, a, sit, down art, you know? Cuz always the stuff that you write down, you think you're like George Garland, you know

and, then, you, try, it, on, stage,, it, always bombs because you try to be too clever with it, you know? Sometimes you just got to let it go.

Just, got, to, riff,, dude., Yell, [ __ ] dude. Yeah. Have, you, been, watching, any, of, tonight's show? Did you?

Sadly, not., What, What, has, happened? It's, been, a, lot, of, a, lot, of, crazy, [ __ ]

Damn., Okay., Okay. Yeah,, there's, been, a, a, lot., We, had, an Australian with a bad attitude.

I, don't, like, Australians., It's, It's, an island that was never supposed to be found.

It's, true. It, was, an, Atlantis, that, should, have, been on the undiscovered, dude.

Horrible, people,, horrible, accent. It's, absolutely, true. It, was, supposed, to, be, a, prison,, you know, Australia by the British. Yeah. R is literally easier to understand the the Australian guy.

I, know., Yeah. Shut the [ __ ] up. Oh, my, god., Yeah. Get, off, your, [ __ ], quad, bike,, you racist piece of [ __ ]

Yes. They're, always, so, like,, "Oh, everything's so [ __ ] cool, dude." Is, it? We had a couple couple wild characters. There was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina. Yes. Yes. Have you ever heard of something quite this magical?

Two, vag, Is, it, like, two, holes,, too?, Like Well,, that's, what, we, were, wondering., It turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole. Almost like a almost like a like a backpack has a

So,, two, dicks, go, in, and, one, is, like, I'll go this way next, to, the, cauliflower.

Yeah. Yeah. All, right. Like, two, uteruses,, too,, that, you, can, get like double pregnant.

One, uterus., One, is, black,, one, is, white. Two, cerves,, one, uterus. That's, actually, a, great, question., I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps is increased.

I'm, just, kidding., That, doesn't, make, any sense. That, doesn't, make, any, sense.

Maybe, one, tiny, twin,, an NBA player and a [ __ ] Arnold, Schwarzenegger, and, Danny, DeVito.

Wow,, that's, a, topical, reference., Good job, Red Band referencing the 1989 movie Twins, everyone. Wow. Redban, you know what?, I'm, going, to, book, you, on, the Secret Show this Thursday. You get to do a spot on the Secret Show. Amazing. And take this and shove it up your ass. All right, Ari. What else is going on in life before we get you out of here?

Uh, oh., Yeah,, we, were, delay., Well,, the flight was, you know, you know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines. Uh it's it's insane. It's insane what's happening out there. Flights are cancelled all the time. So, me and Martin Phillips.

Yes., He, was, on, he, was, on, earlier,, by, the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went through.

Oh,, [ __ ], I, should, have, listened., Like, how did he tell that story? Let's, just, hear, your, version., And, it's great because it'll book end the episode. We started with Martin. We're finishing with you.

Okay., Okay., So,, yeah,, they, changed, the Well, okay. First of all we get to the main gate. It's one of these,, I, don't know,, Vegas, airport,, you know? It's like that small center and then these [ __ ] spider islands, you know?

So, Martin's, behind, me., He's, always behind me. He's I, wait, up., I, wait, up., But, he's, behind me. So he's there's a train that takes you to different gates, right? So on the train I see a TSA employee just before the doors close. I go to her. I go, "Oh, we need to go to B26 or whatever the [ __ ] How far is is that?" And she sees Martin behind me, the two of us. Martin is, you know, how much he sweats and he moves. He's a [ __ ] machine.

Yeah., So, he's, sweaty, as, [ __ ], And, the lady looks at us both and goes, "Oh, you don't need to take the train. It's just a 15minute walk."

And, then, the, doors, close., And, I, look, at Martin like, "Fuck." Yeah. So then what we do is you know you know Martin can always at any airport he can just call assistance and then a black guy will help him. It's always a black guy. We have the wheelchair but no black right and the flight you know boarding is starting soon. So Martin just looks at the wheelchair. He goes I'll just hop on the wheelchair. you push me. I'm like, [ __ ] yeah. So we're going through the airport and I've never pushed a wheelchair before and the way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude. Woo!

We had the wheelchair. Martin had the dog. Triple threat, dude. [ __ ] Nation. [ __ ] Nation. Wow. Boom. We get to the gate and then my favorite part was when Martin gets to the gate and everyone's, you know, we have to go past everyone. I'm like, get the [ __ ] So, I push Martin up and then to see all these other people. Well, I mean, of course, it's Vegas, so there's [ __ ] seven people with wheelchairs. I go, we go past them, dude. They don't need it. And then you see the people's hook when just Martin stands up and just goes on the plane.

Priceless dude. A miracle. I love it. Ari, you are a freak of nature. One of the best in the history of the show. You could do better than that. That's the Estonian assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing a shooting star. What a [ __ ] episode. Sam Tripoli everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road. Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents to Austin, Texas. They are two of the best comedians in the world. Samripolley.com. Timbutterley.com for tickets. If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live. They are unbelievable. Sam Tripoli has a new special. It's Sam Tripoli Comedy on YouTube. He's always dropping specials.

Always amazing stuff happening. And their podcasts are incredible. Tinfoil hat, deep waters, [ __ ] broken uh

simulations. Simulations. And Tim Butterly has dad meat and the Tim Butterly show. The drawing from Ryan J. E belt is in and it is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Oh, it's Elaine, everyone. The legendary Elaine.

How, about, one, more, time, for, the, best stam band in the land? , There's, a, few tickets still available for the uh New Year's Eve festivities. Kill Tony live from the Moody Center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas. Little little uh you know, 6 7 8,000 seat upgrade from the legendary HB Center. And it's right here downtown. So, if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve, I would say, without a doubt. Did you guys have fun tonight? Huh? Red Band

check, out, the, Secret, Show, every, Thursday at the Sunset Stripatx.com. We love you. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Good night everybody.

The, Sunset, Strip, Comedy,, Club, in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Redban Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY"?

In order: 0:00 Martin Phillips, Kill Tony, Sam Tripoli, D Madness; 15:00 Stevie, Zip Recruiter, Blue Chew, Tim Butterly; 30:00 Danny Yang, Annie Titer, Tim Butterly; 45:00 Danny Yang, Austin Film Festival, D Madness, Kill Tony; 1:00:00 Sarah Klein, D Madness, Danny Yang, Sam Tripoli; 1:15:00 Kill Tony, Amazon, Danny Yang, JFC Entertainment; 1:30:00 Kill Tony, Spectrum, Tim Butterly, Amazon; 1:45:00 Kill Tony; 2:00:00 Sam Tripoli, Tim Butterly, Kill Tony, Martin Phillips.

What is mentioned in this Kill Tony episode?

27 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Kill Tony, Stevie, Tim Butterly, Danny Yang, Sam Tripoli, Martin Phillips. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY"?

The episode runs 2 h 9 min; the transcript is about 22,492 words in 637 timestamped sections.

More from Kill Tony

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.