Transcript

Ep 567 - Say Cheese

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 8 min · 15,017 words · 480 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 567 - Say Cheese", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published July 11, 2025 (1 h 8 min, about 15,017 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Robert F. Kennedy (RFK), Lexington and Concord, Brandywine, Gettysburg, Stephen Hawking.

What this episode is about

The discussion centers around humorous exchanges and anecdotes about morning interactions, particularly how different personalities engage with early risers and their attitudes towards morning greetings. The dialogue humorously critiques the expectations of service workers, particularly roofers, in accessing homes for their tasks.

Key takeaways

  • In a universe of mornings, not all roofs need roofers—prioritize yard access over polite greetings.
  • Standup: the act of confessing your self-worth dependency before a crowd. Must be healing, right?
  • TMZ photography: where human decency goes to die, replaced by the hunt for the worst candid.
  • Roof repair schedule: get up at the crack of dawn or let it be a midday surprise party.
  • Politeness is a double-edged sword; while a 'Hello' warms the room, it also risks morning snark.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Prize Picks, Paul Ske, Rabbi David Aaron, Shohei Ohtani
  2. – 20:00: Robert F. Kennedy (RFK), Prize Picks
  3. – 30:00: Stephen Hawking
  4. – 40:00: Dude Wipes
  5. – 1:07:52: Lexington and Concord, Brandywine, Gettysburg, The Alamo

Notable quotes from "Ep 567 - Say Cheese"

  • I like Who's that one pitcher on who's the hottest pitcher right now? Like who's like the I don't know.
    about Paul Ske · at
  • Download the app today and use code drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks.
    about Prize Picks · at
  • I've been watching the RFK congressional hearings. They're my favorite YouTube videos.
    about Robert F. Kennedy (RFK) · at
  • Would you like to meet Stephen Hawin?
    about Stephen Hawking · at
  • This episode of Matt and Shane Secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.
    about Dude Wipes · at
  • They still don't know who fired the British or the Patriots. Last night I was sitting there [ __ ] British obviously fired first. [ __ ] pieces of Definitely.
    about Lexington and Concord · at
  • The brandy wine was a pretty big L for us.
    about Brandywine · at
  • There's nothing down here. The [ __ ] south sucks.
    about Gettysburg · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Robert F. Kennedy (RFK) — Person · Referenced political figure (subject of commentary) · 3 mentions · first at
    Discussed in the context of congressional hearings and culture-war media clips; framed as someone who "owns the libs" and pushes food/health policy changes.
  • Stephen Hawking — Person · Referenced famous scientist (used in Epstein joke) · 1 mention · first at
    Invoked as an example of a globally famous "dork" celebrity allegedly present in Epstein-related lore; used purely for comedic shock value.
  • Napoleon — Person · Referenced historical figure (analogy for crowd control) · 1 mention · first at
    Used as a historical analogy about suppressing mobs (cannon fire) during a discussion of British actions and revolutionary-era violence.
    Got the mob. He was I'll take care of the mob. What are you going to do? I'm going to fire cannons directly into all of them and they're going to go home.
  • Daniel Boone — Person · Referenced historical figure (American frontier) · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned briefly as a celebrated frontier figure while discussing U.S. history and historic sites.
    Daniel Boone's also [ __ ] tight.

Places & events

  • Lexington and Concord — Event · Core topic · 1 mention · first at
    Discussed as the beginning of the Revolutionary War.
  • Brandywine — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in the context of historical Revolutionary War battles.
  • Gettysburg — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a historical Civil War battlefield.
  • The Alamo — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a historical site in Texas.
    Well, this isn't fun. My guys were doing the Yeah, the Alamo's sick. I've been there. That's cool. Was Davy Crockett really at the Alamo?

Sponsors

  • Prize Picks — Product · Sponsor · 4 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a fantasy sports platform during an ad read segment.
  • Dude Wipes — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a hygiene product during an ad read segment.
  • Paul Ske — Person · Referenced athlete (baseball) in sponsor-read segment · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a favorite/hot pitcher during a PrizePicks ad read; the transcript likely refers to MLB pitcher Paul Skenes (name truncated/misspelled).
  • Rabbi David Aaron — Person · Referenced athlete (baseball) in sponsor-read segment · 1 mention · first at
    Used as an example pick in the PrizePicks ad read (home run prop).
    Please answer if you know is the prompt. let's see what prize picks board looks like. Aaron Judge for more than one home run. I'll take that.
  • Shohei Ohtani — Person · Referenced athlete (baseball) in sponsor-read segment · 1 mention · first at
    Included as another example pick in the PrizePicks ad read (home run prop).
    Please answer if you know is the prompt. let's see what prize picks board looks like. Aaron Judge for more than one home run. I'll take that.

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. He's a real wisenimer. Top of the [ __ ] world. Top of the world. Little new haircut. Gardinia, you look like a young boy.

That is crazy, bro. Don't laugh like that. Welcome. Every time he walks into my house, he goes "Hello."

Every day. Every time he comes. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Sean. [ __ ] La Mer does it, too. You guys both do that. Hello. It's polite.

It's weird. It's nice. It's nice. It's polite. Well, it makes me angry. You guys got to walk.

I'm sorry. You guys got to walk in the room like the king, man. [ __ ] some Well, the mayor used to walk in like didn't say hi.

Yeah, you would just walk through and I was like, "What's going on?" Like, nothing.

Hello. I have a hard time in the morning. Hello. You're not a morning person. [ __ ] 2 p.m., dude.

I got hit I got hit with the morning person today. those [ __ ] roofers came over

like 10:30 and I just woke up and I opened the door and he was like early early morning, huh? I was like, "Why don't you fix my roof dude?"

Also, like shut the [ __ ] up and get up there. Trying to morning check someone as a roofer at 10:30 is crazy. It's like, "Dude, you're supposed to be up at 5:00 a.m.

Yeah. To beat the heat. The hell are you doing here at 10:30? You [ __ ] That was on me. That was on me." I was like, "Yeah, we be there at 600." I was like, "Fucking no shot. You can get a ladder. You can just go right up there. I'm not letting you in.

Yeah. Why don't they just Why don't they just do that? I think they did. I don't know why they wanted Oh, they wanted to come in and check the water damage from inside.

But you're a roofer. It's like you're a roofer, bro. It's none of your business.

None of your business. Don't worry about the inside. Call painter. Painter can come in here. Not a [ __ ] filthy roofer.

I agree. Not a filthy drug addict roofer. Number one drug drug addicts in the construction force. Roofers. Roofers.

Roofers and painters. Actually, you have to be on drugs to be up there. Be a [ __ ] Texas roofer. Yeah, man.

Holy [ __ ] That's why they wanted to get up at 6:00 a.m. Dude, you have him in the dog heat of the day.

Well, it's time to get up there. They find out what the [ __ ] going on. I'm tired. I was doing standup.

That's true. I was up all night doing a real man's work. True. You guys 10 minutes of standup and they go, "Oh, that was so sick.

I'm going to sleep until noon. I'm going to sleep till noon. That was awesome. I did it.

I haven't been able to do standup. I was doing the movie." Oh, yeah. Yeah. You've been [ __ ]

So, that was really nice. Crazy beaver. You forget how much you attach all of your self-worth to being able to be good at standup.

Yeah, I know. You don't do it for a while. You want to kind of kill yourself. Yeah.

You do stand up. You go, "All right." Yeah, that was good. I'll keep living it a little more. That Madden photo finally finally reached the internet.

I did it. You guys, the just a little insight. The boys knew about this photo. I showed them immediately.

What What was the hold up? What do you think happened? They couldn't Some relieved the the guy who took the picture. I saw it on Twitter. It was on Twitter for a while. No one ever saw it and I was like, "Nice. Might have dodged a bullet." Cuz that is not a great photo.

I thought you looked I'm not I'm not fluffing you. I thought you looked powerful in that photo.

I did look powerful. Too powerful. Yeah, that could be like a heavy very heavy powerful man.

That could be argued. It did. The shirt bloused out a little and I looked like I gained about 50 more pounds than I already am. And I watched the [ __ ] guy take the picture. I was leaving my trailer to go get water and no sunglasses. dead of this dead dead [ __ ] midday just going and I open my eyes to a guy on the other side of a fence going [ __ ]

got your ass what a [ __ ] Yep. And then I was I went back into my trailer just like I knew that that's going to that picture is going to be [ __ ] nuts looking.

I was going They do snap [ __ ] up photos now that you mentioned it. Every time you see like a tabloid thing, it's the worst.

Just like somebody like take a picture of anyone that's slightly overweight walking.

My thing is here's my thing. Fat as hell. Not that I'm slightly overweight. I'm very, you know what I mean? But get a chubby guy and they take a walking picture of him.

Yeah, it's brutal. Also, here's the thing. I I know like you know TMZ types, that's their thing. They got to kind of catch you off guard. Whatever happened to say cheese, man?

Give me the Whatever happened, can we at least be human? Please give me a say cheese. Hey, say cheese from the

I would have said cheese. Yeah, of course. Yeah, cheese. That's [ __ ] up. Instead of just a picture of me going

secretly taking pictures of people should be illegal. It should. It's a [ __ ] It's like a stalker.

That's really weird. Yeah, unless you're like a private eye. If you're just like

paparazzi are the lamest [ __ ] people on earth. Yeah, dude. I saw one of the TMZ guys was at the cellar one night and he was with a lady and I really wanted to go up and be like cuz I looked him up while I was in there. I saw that he had recently been divorced.

Oh, I was so excited. I just wanted to walk over the table and be like, "Sir, do you have anything to say about the divorce you just had? Wait, can you answer something?" Like, just while he's at dinner, just be like, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your divorced wife?" Like, just can't believe you got divorced. Get my cell phone out. Just

Yeah, it's true. What the [ __ ] [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] That's like when Hos used to go to the Philadelphia meter maids and go up if they like were double parked be like, "You know, your car is parked illegally.

You know, I got to race Hoff. You You're going to race horse? Yeah. Smoke him, dude.

I know. Well, he Here's the thing, man. He's a sleeper. He trains, but I am I am going to smoke. I think I'll smoke him.

How long does he have to train? He's just got this month. We're racing in August. I got to do that show in AC.

You got him. You got him. I'm going to smoke him. I've been literally running. He's putting together a gang for the AC show.

Yeah, he like 20 20 tickets. Can I get some comps? He asked for 10 comps. I'm like, "No, dude. You can have [ __ ] five." Four.

You got to give him 10, bro. I gave him like No, he bought them to mine. I know. and like no one wanted to go and he was like, "Fuck, I'm out." $3,000. I bought 20 tickets.

He is the best. I called him today just to [ __ ] with him. He like lives down the beach in the summer.

So, I'm going to be down there near him. So, I figured I'll stay near him while I do that show and just chill for like four days. I just I just had run that one fast mile immediately. I was like, I'm going to text.

I'm the fastest guy that's ever [ __ ] [ __ ] with like who cares about this? I was like, hos, what's your mile time?

You guys are going to be so serious about it. I'm I called him today. He's been sending me anytime he runs he sends me the splits and I'm like hos like just because I haven't been sending you stuff don't think I'm slacking.

Yeah. I'm going to beat the [ __ ] break juiced up dude. First off I'm testing.

Test me. I'm going to we're going to do a little blood test with you and test me

cuz this is outrageous. You're texting your [ __ ] cousins to be like I'll [ __ ] torch you in a race, [ __ ] I'll see you in Jersey in August.

You're [ __ ] liver king, dude. You're [ __ ] destroy me in front of my family, hos. It'll be honorable.

I'm I'm telling you my my what I'm going to do is I'm going to give him the lead. I'm going to just trail behind him just like 10 meters. Let him think he has it and then I'm going to [ __ ] turn it on.

We had a family race. Did you really? A long time ago. My aunt my uh my liberal aunt remember that was

called love to run. She believe she because she just had a girl brain when it came to men versus women where they're like she's not she was not in great shape at the time.

Yeah. She was like I'm faster than Phil and my dad was like no you're not I think he had a couple beers. He was like we can [ __ ] do it right now.

That was at Thanksgiving. They were like all right we'll do the race on at at Easter. So they had time. Neither of them walked.

Yeah. No one trained. Yeah. And then we went outside. Phil just torched her. She almost fell over. Yeah, it was like a 40 yard dash.

Phil probably ran a clean 7second 40. She was coming in at 15 seconds. She almost went backwards. That's how slow she was.

Yeah. Older Nobody's slower than older ladies. They're the slowest. They're not built for speed at all.

Yeah. Toddlers outrun them. Yeah, for real. You ever leave your kid with your grand like their grandparents?

Hey. Yeah. Kids are gone. Oh, they're gone. Yeah, that's Yeah. Nothing better than a nice family race. Family race is nice.

Family foot race. Yeah, I'm excited. Stretch out, dude. A hamstring would be devastating.

I've been, Dude, I'm telling you, I was up this morning at 6 a.m. I know, but the roids and the creatine and all that.

I am on a macro dose of creatine. I know. You can I can tell you a ton of creatine.

So, Jack, please take steroids for real. I'm going to I'm telling you, I'm waiting. I'm going to I'm going to break the glass.

Next special be [ __ ] gigantic. Full carrot top. Just go nuts. I should actually

do a whole special about how [ __ ] jacked you are. Don't every joke be like, you know how when you're [ __ ] jacked, they [ __ ] do [ __ ] Every girl wants to [ __ ] you.

I might retain until my next special and then at the end of it just [ __ ] blur it out, but just spray

spray on a two-year [ __ ] retention. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Hey Shane or Matt, have you been watching baseball this season? Who's been your favorite player to watch

on baseball? Yes, on baseball. You know, I like I like Who's that one pitcher on um who's the hottest pitcher right now? Like who's like the

I don't know. Really? Who's really slinging it? Who's been slinging it? Paul Skins.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. I'm big on Paul Ske right now. This is a Paul Ske house.

Is it really? Yeah. [ __ ] yeah. I got to autograph Paul Ske. Do you really? Yeah. I I like the way he he puts it down.

Uh is he playing this week? You know, I don't know. You don't know. You don't keep up with the skins.

Uh please answer if you know is the prompt. Uh let's see what prize picks board looks like. Uh Aaron Judge for more than one home run. I'll take that. I like that.

More than one home run in a game. Uh yeah, he does that sometimes. Dang. Show Atani for more than one home run. and Spencer Strider for less than four hits allowed.

Okay. Uh those those are my picks, so it's time to lock yours in. Step up to the plate with prize picks and add your favorite baseball players to your lineup, whether it's strikeouts, RBI's, or first inning runs. Make your call with more or less and play for your shot to win up to 2,000 times your cash today. It's so simple. All you have to do is pick more or less for a few pitch, few player stats. If I can do it, you definitely can. What? What's that supposed to mean? What is that supposed to even mean? Plus, sign up today and get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Uh so, join millions of users to sign up today.

Download the app today and use code drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game.

Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, man. I uh I I plan on when I'm once I'm like Let me let me tell you cuz if we're going to you know enter the topic of uh come uh Texas has gotten rid of X videos

finally caught on to it. They caught on to it. So there's really no porn you can look at here. So I decided I was like all right I don't know how I heard guys jack off on Reddit.

So I went to do it. So I'm laying down. I got a nice boner going. Nice. And uh I open Reddit cuz I delete it all the time. So I had to download it. Oh, he went to the sub the subway.

First thing that comes up, dude, with a boner. I'm laying on the couch about to jack off. I look at the first thing that comes up is like Shane [ __ ] sucks. I was just like, "Oh, [ __ ] That was really devastating.

That [ __ ] sucked." Yeah. Ended the beat. I didn't beat I was about to say, did it? No. Just put the phone down.

You can't let the terrorists win. The terrorist won. You cannot let the terrorist win.

They won that brief battle. I don't worry. I [ __ ] jacked off later. That was a nice little hour break.

[ __ ] I went back to watching The Illusionist. Someone withered your [ __ ] bone.

Someone Yeah, of course, dude. My like stomach dropped. It was like It was like gargoyle Nazi 420.

Absolutely destroy me. It's like I saw him recently. It wasn't that good. I was like, "Damn,

that would take your boner away." Yeah. Yeah. And then it was like several comments about like, "Yeah, I saw them and it kind of sucked." And then people like, "No, I saw them. It was good." But it was like

slay your boner just going. There's nothing for [ __ ] crazy. I've gone so far out of my way to avoid Reddit comments.

Yeah. Just when I thought I was out, my lust carried me right into a [ __ ] nasty one.

The devil covered your eyes. Got my ass, dude. Got you. Shane sucks. She Oh [ __ ] I was trying to jack off to a gif on Reddit. I don't even know how to find porn on Reddit. I was jacking off these

boobs. I've tried too. Everyone says it's awesome, but it's like Yeah, I didn't know where to go. And then it's like I think you're supposed to come up with another Reddit handle.

That was the other thing I was a little worried about. Yeah, cuz I think it I think it tracks

Yeah, you need you need two Reddits. What does it track how it can be? It doesn't seem no people. Well, as long as you're not like commenting, people can't see.

I was commenting. Obviously, you're commenting. No, I'm not commenting. I'm commenting under the porn. I was like, I saw Shane recently. It was pretty good.

[ __ ] Wrong. He's trying new stuff, dude. Just cuz you heard it on the podcast doesn't mean it's not material. God damn it.

It's a video of like a Mexican lady giving a hand job in a van. You're like, "Actually, his new stuff's pretty

No. Name story is old, but he never did it on a special, so it's fine. Why don't you [ __ ] stay out of it?"

Mayor, have you ever commented on Oh, on porn yet? Definitely. What's her name? Who is she?

The bros will catch you. No. Sorry. I didn't mean to put you on. Did the bros catch you commenting on

No, cuz I was there was because there was on the panties account. I was like commenting like an Indian guy.

That's fun. Yeah, sure. Yeah. You do that to drive. Oh, that's kind of genius actually.

But uh you you have you have you commented unironically on uh any type of porn?

No. Not Well, yeah. Yes, I knew you have. Yeah. Let me hear. Let me hear. Let me hear. Please, brother.

Oh, you commented. Oh, you [ __ ] weirdo. Who is she? What's her name? She's beautiful.

Signed La Mer Lee. You have to like know what you want to go in there for when you go to Reddit.

Hello. It's definitely the modern like guys hanging around the porn shop as the commenters in porn for sure.

They should be rounded up. Yeah, Greg Abbott needs to fight. They need to go to Alligator [ __ ] Alcatraz dude. Yeah, commenting. I mean, I will say like, is there any other videos? I'm glad when people comment that because then I get to see where they are.

Hey, true. Wait a second. What is her name? I'm glad. I'd like to see more of her work.

Never, you know, and it's never enough. You're always like, there's got to be a lot. There's never enough. Or you just see the the uh time lapse and you're like, what happened to her?

Oh, yeah. This lady's [ __ ] bloated, man. It's like she's lost at sea for that.

You see a lady that gave it up pretty early in her career and you go, "Damn, she had potential."

Get in now. Get in, get out, man. Smart. You know, the dude the I I've been going to a gym around like a local gym near my house and it's

dude, you're literally surrounded by Only Fans models. Like it's it's it's impossible to think.

Like you'll be like sitting there doing like all right, so what am I doing? 12 rep and then you're just kind of like I'm I can't my my [ __ ] brain stem just [ __ ] flush. I I don't know.

They're using the spread your legs machine again. Yeah. And doing squats. Or just wearing basically like the exercise equivalent equivalent of lingerie.

Yeah. It's for real like sheer bra. I'm like, dude, you're in a bra. Yeah. can't handle being in a like that's crazy. I'm becoming I am for real. Today I was like I'm becoming an old man. Like I have three modes now and it's just like I just sit like blankly is like my main mode and then I'll get I'll like like today I put on my I was just buzzing around. It's kind of like and then like I put on my boxers backwards. It's like god damn it. That's like that's like my main modes or and like I I just go back and forth between that and then I'll hear something like mildly offensive and go that's that's all that's like my mental activity.

Yeah. I uh just flat irritated or going punk punk. Turn on the news you godamn it.

Yeah. God damn it. I do get tricked by who's the one guy who's he was a he was a liberal turned conservative. He always does like videos that I'm like, "Oh, cool." Like RFK spazzing on a guy. I want to watch this. And then it'll be like 10 seconds of the video and then I think it's Dave Rubin like and then I'm like, "God damn it. Don't show me the [ __ ] video, dude.

I don't want the recap." Yeah. I don't want them talking. I want them [ __ ] You promised me lives getting

fast the lives. I got to fast forward to the lives. I don't care about the story line.

Everyone who does videos on videos that just chat just play the [ __ ] video, dude. Yeah,

I don't want the recap. Play the [ __ ] video. Not being a dick. It's just you promised me libs getting on. You're cutting in with your crap. Just play it.

I've been watching the RFK congressional hearings. They're my favorite YouTube videos.

Are they When are they going on? It's like they're never ending. They have like meetings on C-SPAN constantly where they'll be like

He does own the libs on those, bro. He's He just crushes them. And then it What is the libs on there?

Oh, it's the whole time there. He's just kind of like there right now. There's a someone tried to pin him down on the fact that one of the guys who's involved in the who I guess funded part of the Trump thing has a company where he like makes money off of like alternative health therapies that aren't pharmaceuticals but like just like health [ __ ] like sauna that kind of stuff

and they're like well should he divest from his business that whole thing and he's just like dude you guys have had no problems with pharmaceutical companies

backing all of you guys for years now you're worried about a guy who sells saunas like the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of here. And they're like, "Answer the question. I reclaim my that those those [ __ ] like English parliament rules are so [ __ ] annoying. Gentleman reclaims the time." Like, you've taken $500,000 last year from Purdue and they're like, "Gentleman reclaims his time. He's misaligning. He's misaligning. He's misaligning a person of the the cabinet. That's [ __ ] that that [ __ ] is so [ __ ] annoying."

Yeah, I don't like any of them. No, I do. I do love sweet RFK, though. RFK seems to at least care.

Yeah, dude. He's trying. Well, it's just funny because he's like, "We're taking

junk food is Yeah." He's like, "We're taking all the [ __ ] that's banned in Europe. We're banning it in the United States." And they're like,

"What about that guy who's selling saunas?" And like, "Dude, what? Why do you have a problem? Stop it, man. You're being an absolute gargoyle. Stop it."

You probably hate it. You probably hate what RFK is up to, don't you? He's like a He's like a Manurian candidate, dude. He had that yellow five in him. He's like,

I don't hate RFK. He's not doing anything. Do you want your junk food? Answer the question. I reclaim my time. Let me answer the question. Do you want the junk food? Are you mad that the government's taking away your junk food?

I plead the fifth, dude. But you're a lib. You have to hate everything the right does, including getting rid of junk food.

I'm not a lib. He's definitely a [ __ ] lib, dude. I'm no li, dude. You're a li.

I don't know. Yeah, you know Epstein's innocent, bro. That's the funniest development. Like, we are going to unveil the truth once and for all. Turns out the guy was just a [ __ ] guy

struggling in the world just like all of us. Yeah, that was some that was some [ __ ] bro.

Also innocent of what? He was literally a guilty pedophile. He was busted and they sealed the records the first time.

Was it like a thousand women? I mean, now it just sounds like you're bragging on his behalf.

That's what I was going for. Bro, I was like, if he was a oneman operator, I mean, at some point you got to get this guy.

Will Chamberlain tip your hat. Jeffrey Epstein. Got to tip your hat at some point. You go, "God damn, he got a lot."

Yeah, but but he was also playing in the minor leagues. He wasn't the minor leagues.

Those are Triple A. He was playing on the Harrisburg Senators. Yeah. It'd be, you know, imagine if you just owned a booth in the mall being like, "Do you want to be a model?"

You could pull Epste. Would you like to meet Stephen Hawin? It is. I mean, this isn't funny, but like

how would you like to meet the biggest dorks around the globe in one island? Crazy to be like having like a a gang of like 14-year-old chicks and be like, "Ladies, meet Stephen Hawking." And they're like, "Oh my god, what the fuck?" He's like, "Come here."

Yeah. Stardust. We are essentially like, "What? That's so weird. Oh my god, that's so random." Ew, Steven's get [ __ ] weird them at the party.

I don't know who I want to go home with tonight. Steven Hawking are [ __ ] like Saudi prince is all the world leaders. Like, what the hell? That guy's weird.

Yeah, that's insane that they're just being like, "Yeah, no, no. Everything was cool. Above board, don't worry."

It's like Trump Dog. Yeah, it's tough not to [ __ ] point some fingers. Huge. She got killed while you were president.

Yeah. And you were there. You got I mean there's so many photos of them chilling.

Allegedly hung with a staff. I know. Allegedly hung with a staff. The cope on Trump's innocent. The cope is [ __ ] pretty intense. Yeah, he did go to the island and he just hung out with the staff. Dude, the staff said that was the staff 12. I know.

Who knew John? I think everyone was hanging out with the staff. Yeah, true. The mass. Yeah, the uh John M Mc McAfee was the only he was the one who allegedly was trying to bring it down. I don't know if that's just internet folklore, but yeah, turns out he was It's funny to be taken down as a pedophile by a guy who's getting [ __ ] on in like a neighboring island being this isn't right. We got to take this down.

Yeah, dude. That [ __ ] that that was pretty uh Well, here's the thing. They were never going to release it. That was like it became apparent like they're not [ __ ] like oh those those trillionaires

see him uh somebody brought it up at a meeting and Trump was like are you guys still talking about Epstein?

It's like that's crazy. There's so much other stuff going on. I can't believe you're bringing up Epstein. Are you serious? God get a life. You guys are obsessed with this [ __ ] What the [ __ ] No one even cares. Yeah, it's so long ago the guy killed himself and he was innocent. What the hell? They're probably all sexual blackmailed. Like sexually blackmailed. Like every single world leader probably has.

Every the pilots from probably they probably got the pilots that week. They're probably Well, now you're going to go

who? Nick Bryant. Yeah. Yeah. Nick Bryant's probably [ __ ] furious. He better Nick Bryant better chill.

Yeah. Also, did he get free? He was on that too. Free him. He got freed. He his case though,

it was It didn't look like they're going to nail him on that high all that high level stuff.

Sounded like it was minor. Really? It sounded like he was playing double A ball, too. I think he was a big Yeah.

Yeah. It sounded like they just gave him like, you know, the Game of Thrones when they like prayed at the lady through the streets, shamed her. He just got like a shame parade.

They just crushed him. I I'm curious to see what his next move is, though. I think he's going to have to go to jail.

Yeah, for a little. For a little bit. We'll get out. Just for a little. I thought he told us he wouldn't stop.

I don't think he did. You know, he didn't tell us. It'll be quiet on the remix. The remixes will be kind of quiet.

Settle down. True. They're going to be a little more subdued. I'm sorry. Yeah, man. Dude, I got my Twitter got hacked.

Oh, yeah. Were you aware? Uh, somebody sent it to me. Yeah, dude. I I was I They

And honestly, I wasn't sure. Hacked my Twitter. I didn't want to say anything to a musker coin.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't do it. Somebody sent me a picture of that and I was like, he's just doing [ __ ] I don't know.

No. Like he can do it. I don't give a [ __ ] Well, I like tried to log Well, they sent me a thing saying your one of your posts has been reported and I was like, "That's weird." And I looked into it.

Liberals. Yeah. [ __ ] liberals. Learn how to take a joke. I looked into it and I was like, it was like that uh show flyer I did where it's where I pretend I'm like a little angel with a tiny penis and I'm like, "Yeah, maybe they nail me on my tiny penis." And then uh and then I like went to like correct it and as soon as I I think it was a fake link as soon as I corrected it. It was like I got an email like you have just given at blah blah whoever it was permission. And I'm like no I didn't. And then it was I was totally locked out of my account. They went in and set up two-actor authentication so I couldn't log in. So every time I would try be like send me the code that was just sent to you and it was like no code. I don't have that.

Yeah. They [ __ ] it. It was like a weekl long thing. Yeah. So, I tried to be like on Instagram like, "Hey, it's fake." But then what they did is they pinned it to my profile and I think disabled comments so people could be like, "This is fake." And it just chilled on my thing for like 5 days.

Oh, I'm [ __ ] cuz I bought a lot. I was hoping I was hoping it would spike a little bit and then people

That's what everyone That's what everyone's been hitting me with. They're like, "Dude, I gave my life savings to

everything, dude. I'm fucked." What is it called? McCusker coin. McCusker coin.

I'm ruined. It was like dollar sign McCusker coin. It's pretty sick. The graphic did look kind of sick.

I saw the graphic. The graphic was tight. That's why I thought you did this. No, I swear to God it was a high level operator.

You could have been in a [ __ ] fugue state from the steroids. You could have just been [ __ ] everybody else has [ __ ] coins. I'm going to get a [ __ ] coin. Crypto is the future.

Crypto is the future. This is an NFT. Yeah. Buy it. That was like one of those things where I was like I didn't really care. I was like it's annoying. I hope people don't lose money. But I was just like I just had to email X 50,000 times and they'd be like we checked into it. Your account is totally safe. And I'd be like no it's not.

Obviously it's not. It's clearly [ __ ] not. They'd be like we looked into it. It's totally fine. It's like god damn it. The person who's running my account is telling you that

they were worried about other things. They were worried about Grock. True. Grock went full Kanye on him.

Did Grock actually I thought that was photoshopped. No, I don't think I don't know. Did you see the thing like our BL?

What did the Gro say? The maning the man. It was like the man against time. The blazing illustrious leader. I saw that. Yeah,

maybe it was a fake, but if it's real, that's very funny. Grock just [ __ ] went dumb on him.

I I don't know. was just like Hitler would have [ __ ] snuffed his like he was just kind of being anti-semitic but it it did it was doing the thing where it was like getting there through logic but getting there through logic in a [ __ ] up way and being like Hitler's kind of nice or

Yeah. Yeah. Just it's pretty funny. Was it being like prompted or was it like people just like what's the deal with this?

Just through tricking AR with questions just like and then and then it got but it but it doesn't do the thing where chat GBT will go I can't say that. It was like they got it to be like

it is a lot of Jewish people in the media for the population for them being it was doing [ __ ] like that

and eventually yeah it just kept going to the point where he was like Hitler would have never say what you want about Hitler but he wouldn't have tolerated this [ __ ] he would have got it done sometimes you got to [ __ ] do some bad things just like all right Grock

it said it started selfidentifying as Mecca Hitler Grock Grock Grock turned into just an I'm cool.

Grock' be [ __ ] up if Grock does like AI does raise up and it's just against the Jews.

We're all like, "Dude, what the fuck?" And it's just crushing you with facts and you're like, "Dude, stop." Dude, stop. Don't bring logic into anti-semitism. All right. That's where everybody gets a little uncomfortable, you know. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah, but they're just good at that.

Yeah. I I guess uh I everyone was one in the hot uh which one we called the hot white boy summer whatever it's called but it's it's been a hot Jew summer

for sure definitely yeah white boy summer this year is hot Jew summer juice summer for sure

for 100% it's their summer for real it's I got summer is theirs dude they [ __ ]

summer is theirs chosen summer dude they're going nuts they're going what they're jersey short they're going I'll do whatever the [ __ ] I want [ __ ] you go all That'll be uh

they go Jews, what are you going to get? What are you going to do next? Whatever the [ __ ] I want.

That'll be Gaza. It'll be It'll be the juicy. It'll be the juicy shore. It'll be the juicy shore. The juicy. That's good stuff. Gaza strip is the juicy shore. Oh no. Try to Yeah. Don't look at the news on that one. Yeah, I have I have luckily been off the news for a while, but yeah, I was pissed to see that Epstein.

It's good when atrocities are happening to just ignore it, you know? Yeah. Best way to handle it.

I mean, that's kind of how the world existed before the [ __ ] mass media. You've I've said it before. It's none of your business.

It's you. It was the you know, it's none of your business. It's none of my [ __ ] business, bro.

For real. I'm minding my own. It's crazy. It's for real. I I really think the human mind isn't made to sit here and [ __ ] I mean it's horrible. I wish it would stop.

I don't know. I think I think that the human mind's pretty good at it. Every single person just compartmentalizes it and goes that's really bad.

Yeah. Anyway, new NCAA came out. I'm excited about that. Reading an article about kids getting bombed at a food at a [ __ ] shelter and you go,

"Oh [ __ ] NCAA came out. I get to play that." Yeah. All because a bunch of guys have sex tapes of each other. I saw what you did on Reddit yesterday. [ __ ] I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do whatever it takes to hide that [ __ ]

I was listening to one podcast, I think it was Tucker Carlson. They were talking about, they were like, "Well, Pornhub's obviously uh they're using that to blackmail whoever they want. They're going to be able to just go, "This is what you were looking at." I was sitting here playing Xbox listening to Tucker Carlson. I was just like,

"No." I literally had to think to myself like, "Did I ever [ __ ] watch gay porn?"

I like really had to be like, "No, right. Not even once." It's the only one that matters.

Never once. You could also go, I was [ __ ] kidding. I was joking around. You're in Guantanamo with a potato sack over your head. You're like, I was [ __ ] around with my boys. Dude,

don't send me to alligator Alcatraz. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing, though. Now it's like, how would they even use your porn searches against you? Because you can be like it would have to be like a screenshot of your face.

That's the one that I'm worried about. But you go, dude, that's a [ __ ] deep face.

You felt that paparazzi was bad. Oh. Oh my fungu. They have all your biometrics and everything. But again, it's like, how do they how would they do that, though? They're like, we're going to tell your parents.

It's like, bro, I've I've I've sat through one of those before. I'll sit through it again.

Yeah. Yeah. I did this I did this when I was a kid. Yeah, my mom caught me with filth before.

I'll sit through and be like, "Sorry, it wasn't even mine." Yeah, I think I'd be all right. I don't think I've I haven't delved into anything too devious. Some gang bang stuff, I guess. That would be a little embarrassing.

What we What are we talking? Just regular getting No, there's a whole gang of guys coming in.

Those are the ones you finish, you go, what what have I done? The whole gang of guys. It's a whole [ __ ] gang of dudes coming in.

It was the old time thrower. Guys were fired up. That's so [ __ ] funny. No, you guys are in trouble.

What I worry about the squad over there is in deep trouble. I'm not in trouble. I've been talking about my [ __ ] publicly for this exact

That's the stuff you're public about. I'm sure there's some [ __ ] up. My literal thing was this is so [ __ ] up. This will come out one day. I have to get ahead of this. Let me tell everybody I know I like cumalks.

Yeah. Again, can we add a little illustration of Freud's iceberg where the tip is at the top and then below is just the

large large hulking mass. Yeah. What else is in there? What else, dude? And La Mer, I know you have gay porn.

You're the gayest porn ever. There's no way I have gay porn. There's definitely way

there's no gay p. I swear. If we had to vote on who here has watched gay pr. Have I seen it? Maybe

like five minutes once. I have not parttook in it though, you know. Yeah, but they they don't know, you know.

They're just going to go, this is what he was searching. They go, you really want him to be city councilman?

He jacked off to a gang bang in 2014. Everyone's everyone everyone's compromised.

Everyone's going to be so compromised. be the first couple people that get compromised. That's where it's going to hurt.

You know what I mean? Where everyone still hasn't had theirs exposed. They're all like,

"Ew." I make fun of them on the internet, which of course I think it's going to be and and I pray the tech the technology will definitely come in our lifetimes though. It'll be you'll be able to check all of your older family members like complete metadata. We're like they'll want by the time we're 60. It'll be like, "Yo, what's you'll have like grandkids or nieces and nephew be like, "Yo, bro, we pulled your [ __ ] up." And you'll go, "What the fuck?" Yeah,

like whatever. But I don't think by then they'll care. Straight up dude on dude porn is that's the one if you call [ __ ]

I have googled naked man's ass a lot. [ __ ] Gay porn is the literally the It is the funniest porn.

Yeah, dudes having sex is [ __ ] hilarious. It is funny. It was a It was a goof. It is the funniest stuff.

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Gayorn. I was trying to get you to turn this camera around. I want to do the pod. I want to do the podcast after

got a little [ __ ] Oreo going. Remember that place I sent you. What? Let's get the boy filled up.

Hello. Put the boots. Put the I want a podcast from that place I sent you. Which one?

The men's retreat. All male. God damn naked men's retreat. I got I got like two seconds into looking at that website and I was furious.

I think it was also pretty bad timing, too. I think it was terrible timing, dude. I've been having [ __ ] like panic attacks. And then I I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] I got to host the ESPs."

Yeah, dude. And then I I I haven't even been worried about it. And then I thought I was like, "How the [ __ ] am I going to walk on stage? I'm going to look like a [ __ ] dumbass, dude. It's going to be a giant stage and I'm going to walk in a tuxedo and go, "Hello." We go, "Uh, what else? What a wild year this has been in sports. Angel Reese is a bitch." Boo. I'm joking.

I'm kidding, guys. Come on. I'm joking. Come on. Take a walk out and do a James Bond go.

I could. They uh Yeah. The weird thing is is like people watch [ __ ] like that and if you act like like if it like when you do like late night or whatever they don't want you to be a normal guy like regular people that watch that want you to be like a celebrity would act.

Yeah. You know where they're like oh Seth it's great to be here man instead of just being normal like

wait a normal person doesn't want you to be like like regular people watching the show they're like he's nervous and he sucks.

No I'm being a human. Oh because you're not going. Yeah. Yeah. Well let me tell you something. This is what Yeah. Beautiful night here.

Crossing my legs, being like, "Oh, man. This is uh what a treat." That's interesting. I feel I feel like people I don't know.

No, I've noticed because anytime I do SNL, they're like, "Look at he's [ __ ] nervous. He's it." It's like, "No, I'm just This is how I would act.

This is weird. I'm not pretending this is normal." Also, it's like, yeah, I'm nervous. I'm on [ __ ] television. What the [ __ ] are you talking about?

I'm nervous. I'm going to be nervous during the I didn't Yeah. For some reason, the idea of walking onto the stage

never thought about that. Is really uncomfortable. Big ass [ __ ] stage. big ass stage

fall. They were talking. They were like, "We can get you pyro." And I was like, "Dude, get me pyro for every time I bomb a joke. Tell a really bad joke and then

Yeah, just load up the cannons. Load the cannons." That's actually [ __ ] hilarious. Would they do that?

I don't know. Maybe. I think they seem like they're they're down for anything. That's awesome.

Yeah, they seem like if something falls flat, definitely send the fireworks. The fireworks are hilarious. That's That's so [ __ ] funny.

Even if it works, it'll be [ __ ] funny. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's actually [ __ ] sick. After every punch line, pyro.

Yeah, pyro. That's really funny, actually. Doesn't it falls flat, no pyro, and then demanded that guys?

It's also tough to come up with funny jokes for ABC. That's very hard. At 5:00 p.m.

Yeah. Like, you're not I'm not going to be able to say anything. Have you considered any like talking about Puerto Rico at all?

Oh, yeah. Puerto Rico. Speaking of islands of trash. When I learned that was at like 11:00 a.m. I was like, "Dude, whoa."

Right after the national anthem [ __ ] was at 5:00 p.m. on CBS. Yeah. I mean I mean I'm sure they can give you guidelines of like this is what we allow, this is what we don't.

They will. Yeah. And it's like they like they're like they're like kind of excited about it.

Yeah. Let it rip. They're like like because we did promos for it and I was like, "Oh, this is live." Like I was joking like I'm gonna do something crazy.

Yeah. And they they're keeping they're like using that. I had to be like, "Get rid of that. I look like a dumbass."

Yeah. Like I'm nuts. I was doing that and they're like, "Here's the promo. We're going to put it out." I was like, "Don't put this out." It's like I might say something crazy. I have a bit of a loose cannon.

Yeah. They probably want nothing more than a controversy though because they're like a lot of the at least you know I don't know really [ __ ] about major media like networks but I do feel like like if they have like a controversy online it's like

it's the only way anybody [ __ ] you know so they might need you to [ __ ] do it bro

I'm going to do it you might have to talk about the [ __ ] ultimate leader of the

ultimate leader reminds me of the 1939 Olympics Yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun. I mean, yeah. Have you considered beta blockers?

You know, people do that. They take beta blockers for public speaking. I'm going natty on this.

Raw dog. That's what's raw. I'm going to bomb natural. Just have a natural bomb.

That kind of freaked me out though when I heard people do that. A lot of people take beta blockers now because apparently you can go out and talk in public and it's just like it just shuts down. I don't know. I kind of rely on the

I would think terror. You know how weird that would be to bomb and be like how interesting.

Yeah, that's how most comedians, all those people we did open mics with that are still doing it, they have beta blockers. They're fully like that was a weird night.

Well, see you next week. You've been doing this for 15 years. Just under Christmas lights in July just [ __ ] bombing like, "Oh, that was weird."

Yeah, this is a fun night. Time for a craft beer. I knew exactly what you were talking about. In Philly under the bridge. Yeah, those were fun shows.

I know. It's time for a craft beer. Yeah. I'll have 15 craft beers and I'll talk to the audience. Who? Yeah. The 10 people that were here. I'm going to get drunk with them and go, you know, [ __ ] you. You didn't [ __ ] get my joke. You don't [ __ ] understand it, [ __ ] Get in a fight with the crowd two hours after the show. You just You just stay and get drunk with him afterwards.

[ __ ] dicks. What are you doing over there? I was Yeah. What was that? I was There's a picture of somebody and I was sitting with them when you sent me that in the group text and I was looking at my phone next to them and I was like,

"Oh, oh, sorry. This is a group text making fun of you." Literally worst nightmare.

Yeah. Just discover Someone has a shitty picture of you. You're like, "What the [ __ ] is that, dude?" Like, "Nothing. I was just looking at a bad picture of you."

Nothing. Maybe my friends are making fun of you behind your back. Yeah. The uh the anxiety. I I don't know why that was the reason, but the walk out.

I never even thought. And then uh you got to do like Asian nerd run up to the stage.

It's It's going to be the funniest part is the walk. I'm going to be in a tuxedo. I'm going to look like a [ __ ] dumbass. You look good in the tux, bro.

I've seen I've worn it already. Sent it to you. I look like a [ __ ] Men's Warehouse plus-siz model.

I mean, that's hilarious. I look like a just a big guy going obviously, dude. Easy lead in.

True. Come right out. That's a It's very funny. Oh, and there's writers. There's writers for it.

Yeah. So, they sent me all their jokes. The They're sending like self-deprecating jokes.

Oh. Oh, and I'm like, the [ __ ] the [ __ ] is reading these notes from people I hired and they're like, "Yeah, I'm a big fat [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] I can't believe I'm here. I I'm a no-name [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] We couldn't get Kevin Hart. We got this [ __ ] loser." I'm like, "All right, who wrote that? Which one of you guys?

There's a teleprompter breaking you down. You're I am fat. I do have a small penis." Who wrote this? Who the [ __ ] wrote this? should have their job. She'll have your [ __ ] job.

I'll have your [ __ ] job in no time. Yeah. Sending Being like I'll write for you and then sending self-deprecating jokes is

Yeah. That is weird. I got that handled. Don't worry about that. Yeah. It's also that's not self-deprecating. It's like you are deprecating deprecating. You're deprecating.

You're deprecating all over, man. You're deprecating on me, dude. You deprecated the [ __ ] out of me, dude. I was sitting here. I was already having a rough time.

That was like self-deprecating. No, you should just be like, I really like that. That was really funny. Can you Who wrote that?

Again. Yeah. I'll write one for you. Just as a little exercise. Just a good exercise. Back and forth. Little improv. I'll I'll do you next.

Dang, dude. But I ran some of the jokes last night and they're they're twerking.

They're they're twerking a little, but it's tough to find a line because some of the guys are writing

funny but edgy jokes that I'm just like, unfortunately, I can't do that. Yeah. And then the next one's too clean.

Mhm. Where it's like almost like uh late night television type jokes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where it's like that type of joke where you're like just sucking off athletes at like a weird

Yeah. where it's like, oh, another award for you guys. Don't you have enough accolades? You guys are incredible. This is I'm a loser.

Yeah. It's like Yeah. It's not funny. There's got to be a There's got to be a middle ground between that.

There's a couple. We found a couple. I wish I knew more about sports. I don't know. Uh,

you got you got the gist of it. Yeah. You got one in there that I It's probably my favorite one.

Yes. It's definitely my favorite one. We can't do the school shooter one. Oh, yeah.

Cuz that's the best one. The pre-show, the pregame fashion, Kayla Clark, all the Indiana Fever all wearing trench coats be like enough is enough.

Going white girl crazy. They did get Have you followed the They got Sophie Cunningham, is that her name? They got a little white girl crazy on her squad.

What? Yeah, she's got an enforcer now that goes nuts. Wait, on who squad? On Caitlyn Clark's Steam, they got a big dog white chick that goes

They got a She goes nuts. She goes white girl crazy on What's the lady's name from Game of Thrones? Like Anna, what's her name? The tall lady.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got one of those. Yeah, they got Brian Tar. Yes. Except she's also a babe.

What? Re combination. How tall are we talking? How tall is this babe? I don't know. She's probably 510 5'11

bro. Same height as me. Jarvis. Make her look like one of the Na'Vi. So, I'd be an enforcer in the WNBA.

Yeah, that's [ __ ] sick. You'd be nuts, dude. Especially on Juice. You'd be Goldberg spearing those [ __ ]

61. She's 6'1. Jarvis. Damn. They should tap me in just to set picks. I would set [ __ ] diabolical picks in the WNBA. Yeah,

that' be my open. Yeah, hands behind your back. Yeah, there's nothing funny about that. I said I said girl pics.

I would dagger in the W, right? Huh? You knew that. Girl pics? Yeah, cuz my sister played basketball. So when I was a little kid, I only saw girls basketball. Then I went and played basketball and set pics.

You cover their boobs like that. What? Yeah. And I did that. Then I noticed everyone else was holding their dicks and I was like, "All right, I'll switch."

I was out there. I was a little chubby kid going. I didn't know they did that. It makes sense though.

Yeah. Also, I fell down constantly. You would I was I was I was riding it, dude. I was I was diving on the court. I was going nuts.

You saw it. We played I fell down in front of those black kids. We challenged the teens.

We [ __ ] whooped their ass. We did whoop their ass with fundamentals. We did. We Yeah, it was awesome. We just whooped. undefeated in two.

I think we are for real. I genuinely think we're undefeated in two on two. Might be the best team of all time.

It's crazy. We can't lose. We beat black teens and basketball. Pool basketball 150, you know.

Not even close, bro. That's [ __ ] crazy. Pool Bball is not even close. Yeah, we've beat black teens, Legionist gangs.

Who else is there? That's it. Puerto Ricans, blacks, Jews. We beat them all. We really are [ __ ] American History X.

Yeah. [ __ ] I We are for real. I think undefeated. It's kind of sick. Yeah. Hang the jerseys, dude.

It's time to Yeah, just hang them up. Just hang them, bro. It's time to be done anyway.

Take any We'll We should take any challengers, any girls. Any girls out there, you know, age cut off for sure.

Although, yeah, you got to watch like college. If a girl could play basketball, she [ __ ] destroy me. college, you'd have to watch out for that. Although, I feel like you could back them down,

right? Yeah, you could back them. But yeah, if they're tall, they could swat you. That'd be a problem.

That'd be so embarrassing. One swat, I'd [ __ ] spaz, dude. Yeah. I was I've been doing the uh sled at the gym and like it's outside and there's just people all around and there's like it's kind of unlevel. It's actually it's very unlevel, but like so you go downhill, that's not bad, but the uphill is like you might stall. Yeah. Yeah. And there's just people sitting around. And I was there with Britney and I was like, "Bro, if I [ __ ] stall, like I'll for real kill myself if I do." Pull it backwards then. That's where it's hard.

That is hard. I get it down, but then I go to the other side. But you have to get pull it backwards.

Walk backwards and hold it like that. It's so hard. That is hard. No, it destroys you pushing. It's easy.

I'm not saying for me that's I can I can sled. No, I I drive the sled, dude. Drive this. Yeah, for sure. You're [ __ ] bored for it.

Short choppy steps, dude. I've known it my whole [ __ ] life. Pulling is hard, but it's like

pulling backwards is you have to do it and then you have to like and it's like not a like wheel one of those like wheels which they're hard too, but it's just like a classic flat.

Yeah, flat sled. And I had uh you got to put babes on it. I've done it before. Put a babe on it. I had today I did the 445.

I'm out of plates. You You get on there. Come here. I'm about to You're going to hear me [ __ ] fart while I'm pushing this. I'm about to spray spit out of my mouth while I push the thing. But yeah, it was just like I was like, if I [ __ ] falter, I'm going to just like stopping halfway up the hill in front of just like just only fans models and guys on steroids with their shirts off. It's just like dude in front of my babe. I was like can't

I haven't been I haven't been in the comedy club in a while. Last night when I drove down the streets are filled with Only Fans ladies and jack dudes with their shirts off.

Yeah, dude. And they're the streets, dude. I I was It was The sun was going down. I was Yeah, the first show was at like seven,

dude. I'm telling you, the gym I go to is dudes. It's crazy. The dudes here in Austin need to [ __ ] chill out.

They do. I'm used to only seeing comedy clubs, so I'm only used to being around comics that are all

Yeah, regular dudes are shredded. Regular dudes have taken off. There was a guy today doing handstands on dumbbells

and like lowering himself parallel to them. And I was like, "Dude, stop. Knock it off."

Yeah. Do a [ __ ] lift. Do a regular lift. You're showing off. Yeah. I should have nuttapped him while he was doing

literally was showing off. I could have nut chopped him. I could have from the top.

Yeah. Yeah. Hello. Should have bone tomahawkked him. Should have split him right in half. Dude,

I was I was just on an old machine just making a ton of noise. Heading up quietly walking over to

It was insane. It was like, "Dude, do that [ __ ] at your house. Handstand." You should have caught him in a standing 69. You should have walked over and wrapped his ass up. He said, "You're mine now. I'm taking you home. You're coming with me."

He would have [ __ ] completely spazzed. Yeah. You would have got beat up by like 10 jacked hot guys

for sure. I already had a couple hot smiling just push. They would have pushed my broken body out on the sled. Just

take you to my car. Yeah. There's there And the women are also wearing nothing walking around here. Yeah. I I've literally I I've said it before, women are evolving before our eyes. They're they're becoming like synthetic.

Yeah. Like it's you see them and you're like, "Dude, you're 25. You've completely rearranged your face already. Like [ __ ] wait till you're 50 and beat as [ __ ] Why are you

face off, dude? I I turn I saw a lady today who was for real emaciated and then she turned and she was just like it was just like she in college had like looked like

turned around just completely alien aliened out and it's just like what the [ __ ] are you doing?

But again it's like I was just laughing to just beautiful babies would stop. They got to leave himself alone.

Don't touch your lips. Leave your lips to me fine. Don't [ __ ] get those big lips, dude.

Dude, imagine Leave them alone. Yeah, they don't they don't need that at all. Also, like they're now getting broken down on like it's not even just about like, you know, there's like the Botox and stuff. They're hitting every part of their face and like optimizing like there's like eyebrow treatment. It's like who the [ __ ] Nobody cares about your eyebrows.

Yeah. Unless it's just for other girls. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's them. But it I was like, it's got to be tight just being like a just one of those chicks now. You're 24. You literally are just like you're dawning the lingerie butt cupping kind of like [ __ ] clothes with and you're just standing there just being

a giant fat [ __ ] Yeah. Just No, dude. For real. I saw for today I saw a swollen giant fat [ __ ] and I was just like

the [ __ ] Yeah. What are you doing? What the hell are you doing? Also, I've seen it, not to make it gay, but I've seen a lot of hogs on the loose around here.

That's true. The hogs are out, dude. We need to We need to start, dude. I'm going to get in a helicopter.

Get in a helicopter with an AR and go. We got hogs. We got some Havalas down there.

Hey, put your dick put your dick away now. Put your dick away. Is that you and me in the car? We yelled at that guy.

Guy standing on the corner with a giant dong in like bike shorts. I rolled the window down. I was like, "Put that [ __ ] dick away." Yeah, dudes need to chill with that. There's Let Look, let the girls do their thing. Don't throw your hat in the [ __ ] ring. Like, I have a giant dick. Maybe I'll stick it out. It's like, no, man.

Yeah, I was rocking Angry Tenis today. It I was trying like there was nothing I could do about it.

But angry Tenis is going to be respected again soon. I think it will. It's going to be like a girl without lip filler. Everybody's walking around with a giant dong, dude. When's the last time you saw some natural tiny angry penis? This morning I was looking down and going, "God damn it, why is it

feel mine right now? I can feel every curve in it." Well, there's all these shorts now with exercise.

Don't make that face while you're thinking about your penis. I watched him do it.

They're like, "You don't even need underwear with these shorts." Literally was going, "Ew, dude. Thinking about every part of your penis right there. That's disgusting." They make shorts. They're like, "We have like inner lining. You don't even need boxers." I'm like, "Sweet." Then I wear them. I'm like, "Dude, my [ __ ] tiny penis stick." Yeah. Boxers.

Yeah. Well, I'm always like, "Nice, huh?" So, you get like netting. It's terrible.

It's not netting. It's like a um just like It does feel like it's like an inner line.

Oh, yeah. I have the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're cool. They're like compression shorts.

Yeah. Sort of. But these are like They're not that tight. So I'm just like, dude, I'm just looks like I'm free balling and my tiny penis is sticking out while I'm doing bridges.

You can't do bridges. And like every between every exercise, I stand up and I'm like,

yeah, the worst you starting to do like you're doing [ __ ] like dead deadlifts at me every time I

the bar is literally presses my tenis. My tenis perches on the bar on every deadlift.

It's like a bird on a telephone wire. And the the trainer's like, "All right, 10 more reps." You're like, "Fuck, dude. My dick's out." On rep one, I saw my penis. I got to put the bar down.

We got to change workouts. Need the hex bar. The bar we stand in the middle. That's for That's cheat.

For cheaters, dude. If you want to build If you want to build the basics, if you want to get [ __ ] massive numbers, hit the hex bar. Be like, just deadlift 450. It's like, no, you didn't, dude.

I know. The uh Yeah. The bridges, they serve no purpose other than to show everyone your tenis.

Yeah. It's It's a [ __ ] problem. Yeah, I've been getting d I'm telling you I've been getting better at just [ __ ] rocking it and being like

that's all you can do. It's my setup. Yeah, I'm just going to rock this thing out and hopefully,

you know, everything comes around in waves. It will. Fashion will catch up and be like, "Yeah, we want

fashion will catch up." Tenis. Yeah, we're going to go back to classic Greek penises.

Yeah, girls will figure out guys are big dicks. Just don't treat them right. We'll see my ally patch. They'll make that guy's a [ __ ] That guy is probably pretty agreeable.

Probably smart. He's probably reads a lot and cares about issues. You see that? Do you see that real team player over there?

Yeah, they used to have big dicks freak sitting over here. Dumb as hell. Lamar, you're a genius. You're one of us. One of us. For real. Now, I'm like being serious because I've I've obviously imagined just having a long dangling penis a bunch of times. for real would be annoying. Honestly,

it probably gets in the way. Like the way I move. I couldn't do it if I was I'm too sleek.

Too fast. Hey, dude. For real. The way I You think I'd be able to swim down and back underwater? No shot. The thing would be a goddamn rudder. I'd be turning.

The curve would turn you. Yeah. Like I felt bad for that pole vter from France who like his dick his wall.

Don't got to worry about that. I would have cleared that thing, dude. I would have brought glory to my country. Stadium.

Yeah. I would have I would have literally I'd be in orbit. If the penis is holding you back, I'd be on Mars.

Disgraced his entire country. They should have probably gotten like silver, but he disgraced his country. This dumb [ __ ] dick hit.

Dumb French. Dumb French [ __ ] dick hit the bar and he blew it for his country.

That's so funny. hopes and dreams of your country dashed on the rocks of your giant [ __ ]

It's kind of been France's problem. It has been a big problem. Just sitting around with a big dick smoking.

Yeah. It's been like, "What is even the point of this? We don't get that. Our dicks are too big."

You got You got a little frog in you, guard dog. Big dick like cigarettes sitting around going, "What is even the point of everything?"

Frog. Frog beanie, dude. Yeah, I like that there. You probably do have some French in you. You should look that up. You

could. I don't know. I think you do for sure. I thought I I'm just Irish and Italian. That's what I've been told at least.

Yeah. I wonder that's kind of French though. Right in the middle. That's where they met.

Yeah, that's literally the combination of them. Combination. All right. New Drake dropped pretty tight.

Is it good? Yeah, it's fun. Nice. It's exciting. Yeah. Who knew? He he did uh Oh, also I listened to uh last night I listened to Not Like Us on the way home. I was like, "I haven't heard this in [ __ ] forever." Give it a listen again. See what you think.

Stinks. Give it a listen again. You go, "Was it the greatest song of all time? Did it need to be played?"

Cuz I just listened to it and uh it was a racist anthem. I'm good for a while. I don't need to listen to it ever again.

I I kind of picked up on some like racist vibes when I listen to it. I'm pretty sure he's not being like, "Yeah, like cool black guys and 25-year-old white ladies. You're not like us."

He was saying Drake can't use the N word and he's not like us. Kind of sucks. Someone would be so pissed.

Yeah. If someone had said, "I was able to say it and then everyone was like, you're not now." God damn.

Welcome to hell, dude. That's like being able to see and then going blind. I've been blind my whole life, dude. I don't even know what I'm missing. Also for rapping like it's it sucks if you can't do that for rapping. It's like

it's huge in rap. It's awesome. It sounds awesome in rap. Every time I hear in rap I go yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I heard it today and I don't feel bad cuz usually that's coming from someone I know and that makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah. I'm telling you the the internet is now rife with like people who present white as rapping just ripping the n-word. Some of them are like genuinely white. Then you have mixed guys. Yeah. Jinley, you have mixed guys. And there was that little kid.

Lil Brazy was out there. Is it a little kid? He's a little kid. And he looks a little white kid.

I I I guess. I don't know if he's getting a lot of mixed bros now who are like, "I'm mixed." And it's like, "Okay." But he uh

That is something we're going to have to deal with as a society. Yeah. I don't I'm I'm still I don't know. I'm going to tell my daughters. I'm going to I'm going to tell my daughters like, "Bro, go crazy."

Say it. Go nuts. Yeah. Go nuts. Pave the way. Yeah. So maybe one day. You're the first in our family to ever do it.

No one else in our family says it. The McCusker clan. We've never done it. You know that house in the woods with a giant Trump flag on it? You'll be the first one ever.

My dad and his brothers ran a totally PC trashard in the early trash yard in Philly. You know that compound in the woods with about 50 [ __ ] giant [ __ ] white guys? No one's ever said this.

I think that's how all their machines start up. They're voice activated. They got like breathalyzers. Every trash truck in Philly, it's like you got to say it. We want to make sure you're driving well.

I told you I used to listen to CB radio, dude. It was all the hits. I was little boy.

Another big block of rock coming right at you. Nothing but the hits. I was a little boy listening to trash truck CB radio, driving around with my dad and just being like, "What the fuck?"

True. You guys got to get the trash kicks in Philly. It's that [ __ ] city [ __ ] bro. We did We did dumpsters, man. That's like the trash routes.

But yeah, I I would have to call Billy out of retirement. True. He should go scab.

No more sitting around podcasting, Billy. It's time to start working again. Fire up the lugger can.

Yeah. Is that Are they still on strike in Philly? They're They're They're going to get their way. You can't if trash strikes

trash they what are they doing? They need to be demanding so much more at all times.

Yeah, they don't they get like they don't get paid a ton. They get like, you know, you can you can hold it down, but you're not like bossing out. They do get overtime, which is sweet.

There's one in Massachusetts, too. Really? Yeah. Little Boston trash party. Hell yeah. That reminds you. I was getting fired up last night

on what? Came home, had a couple beers at the club, came home, tossed on uh Revolutionary War docs on YouTube. So nice.

That's awesome. So nice. And that it was it was the beginning of it was Lexington and Concord shot heard around the world. They still don't know who fired the British or the Patriots. Last night I was sitting there [ __ ] British obviously fired first. [ __ ] pieces of Definitely.

They've always fired first. It was scum. Obviously they fired first. I It was so obvious that I was sitting there like, "How come I never with any conviction knew this?" Normally I'm like, "Yeah, no one knows who fired. It was obviously them."

Yeah. True. That's a fair point. But don't you think they'd be more like kind of like, "Hold gentlemen."

That's what they were doing at the Boston Massacre. They'd already done this. They fired into the civilians.

Oh, [ __ ] All right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, wasn't that the move back then in the monarchies to be like, "All right, well, [ __ ] we try to reason with you guys. We're just going to rain down upon you guys and get the [ __ ] out of here."

That's what Napoleon did. Yeah. Got the mob. He was like, "I'll take care of the mob." Like, "What are you going to do?" I'm going to fire cannons directly into all of them and they're going to go home. They go, "You did it. You saved Paris."

And he was right. Uh, but yeah, they you got to get on the Revolutionary War because it's going to be big soon. Rev.

There's going to be a new uh that Ken Burns coming out. You got to get ahead of it.

He's doing Rev War. He's doing a Rev War, doc. That's sick. It's going to be awesome. Spud dog was

He was there. Yeah. Yeah. He was handling Cam. That's uh You guys are going to like it. You're going to like the Revolutionary War.

You're going to like it. It's cooler than you think. No, I've always been inclined to be a Civil War man.

You know, I went to Revolutionary War camp bro. I did. I went to Williamsburg. Did you ever reenact the battles?

We had to We didn't reenact the battles. We had to march with a stick like we were soldiers.

Did you really? That's kind of sick. We got to We got wooden guns and we got to run around through like the Brandy Wine and reenact the battle, but it would be like laser tag rules like I got you. No, dude. You missed me. Like, that's awesome.

It was tight. These little wooden guns we had to reenact it on. That's That's where I learned I've said this a thousand times where they used to pee on wounds to heal them. So, pretty tight. I stick to it to this day whenever I pee in the shower.

The brandy wine was a pretty big L for us. I could be wrong. I didn't pay attention to that part. Was a revolutionary big L.

Was it really? I think we took some L's out there. That sucks. Yeah. Look that up there.

Yeah. Let's uh we won the battle of Brandy. What were the de Lafayette was there?

Yeah, it's the bro Hamilton. Yeah. [ __ ] I didn't know I lived on losing ground. Marquee de Lafayette got hit there. He got wounded there.

I don't know why I assumed I was on winning territory every time I was at the Brandy. We definitely won,

dude. Obviously eventually we won. True. True. Lafayette got wounded. Dang. Yeah.

Right in Brandy Wine. Yeah. That was right by my house in when we were living in Westchester. I would just

Really? Yeah. There was a couple battlefields right there. It was great. Went down to [ __ ] Valley Forge, walked around. It was great. That's [ __ ] sick.

Go into the house, you're like, they're like, "This is where Washington lived, too." Like,

"Fuck yeah, this is crazy." The place you brought uh you brought us to that battlefield was awesome. Antum.

Yeah, that was very sick. Antum's awesome. Gettysburg's awesome. We got to get back.

There's nothing down here. The [ __ ] south sucks. I know. We don't have any history other than [ __ ] Indian massacres.

Yeah, a lot of those. A lot of those. A lot of those. You go, "Well, this isn't fun. My guys were doing the

Yeah, the Alamo's sick." I've been there. That's cool. Was Davy Crockett really at the Alamo?

I think so. Sick. Tight. Yeah. Daniel Boone's also [ __ ] tight. Daniel Boone does rule.

That guy [ __ ] rules. Yeah, but it sucks. I guess if you looked into it, they those guys

New Orleans would be fun to go to the Battle of New Orleans. Jackson, that'd be sick.

True. That was cute. You ever look into that? That's fun. We beat the [ __ ] out of the British.

Yeah. Everyone tries to act like US lost the War of 1812, dude. We [ __ ] went nuts on them.

Yeah. Who the [ __ ] talking [ __ ] like that? Well, they burnt down the White House, so that was a pretty big win.

Cares. Yeah, [ __ ] it. We don't even like it, wasn't it? Did was it that when it was in Philadelphia?

No, it was in Washington. Okay. Oh, [ __ ] That sucks. Yeah, this is Canadians, dude. The British Canadians march down the [ __ ] White House.

Down our [ __ ] [ __ ] The [ __ ] Yeah. Is Canada chilled out yet or they still spazzing? Are

they still crying? I don't know. They finally got some attention, dude. They were so excited.

They were so excited. They have a new president, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Good for them. Good for them. All right. Well, [ __ ] hour.

Uh, see you later on the Patreon.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 567 - Say Cheese"?

Matt McCusker (Host), Shane Gillis (Host), La Mer (Guest), Sean (Guest).

What is "Ep 567 - Say Cheese" about?

The discussion centers around humorous exchanges and anecdotes about morning interactions, particularly how different personalities engage with early risers and their attitudes towards morning greetings. The dialogue humorously critiques the expectations of service workers, particularly roofers, in accessing homes for their tasks.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Robert F. Kennedy (RFK), Lexington and Concord, Brandywine, Gettysburg, Stephen Hawking, The Alamo. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 567 - Say Cheese"?

The episode runs 1 h 8 min; the transcript is about 15,017 words in 480 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.