Transcript

Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 10 min · 14,662 words · 121 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published July 24, 2025 (1 h 10 min, about 14,662 words). It mentions 12 people, works and ideas, including Joe Shane, Conor O'Conor, Mortal Kombat, Ready or Not, John Malkovich.

What this episode is about

In this discussion, Joe Derosa shares his experience of immersing himself in a new intense video game, "Ready or Not," highlighting the psychological escape it provides from everyday stressors. He humorously relates his gaming experience to feelings of frustration and temporary oblivion regarding real-life challenges, all while exploring themes of competition and the darker elements of the game's narrative.

Key takeaways

  • Gaming stress relief: Forget reality, it’s all about clearing rooms and existential dread.
  • SWAT gear: Every dude's fantasy—until you realize it doesn’t come in oversized.
  • From tombs to tactical missions: Nothing like gaming to engage fully and escape life’s problems.
  • City of God vs. When We Were Kings: Great films sink; it’s their titles that often float.
  • Malkovich’s pop comeback: 30 years absent; because who doesn’t want to hear a rusty R&B return?

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: John Malkovich, Ready or Not, Joe Shane, Mortal Kombat
  2. – 20:00: Joe Shane, Viori, Grand Theft Auto V, Conor O'Conor
  3. – 30:00: Mortal Kombat
  4. – 40:00: Dude Wipes, Mortal Kombat
  5. – 50:00: Joe Shane, Conor O'Conor
  6. – 1:00:00: Mortal Kombat
  7. – 1:09:48: Conor O'Conor, Mortal Kombat

Notable quotes from "Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)"

  • The tomb is I just played there's a new game called Ready or Not, and I played it for two days.
    about Ready or Not · at
  • I think or like City of God maybe it's like that.
    about City of God · at
  • John Malovich plays a once famous R&B pop singer.
    about John Malkovich · at
  • The core short is the short that started it all for Viori.
    about Viori · at
  • But anyway, yeah, the game made $5 billion. I got paid three grand.
    about Grand Theft Auto V · at
  • He is Did you hear the way he was speaking? I've had that conversation with Okconor 10 million times.
    about Conor O'Conor · at
  • Oh, he went nuts. Anti Prince. He was Play one [ __ ] song. Play one [ __ ] song. Shane was being Appreciate your support, Chris. You got to back it off, dude. you're going crazy right now, man.
    about Joe Shane · at
  • This episode of Matt and Shane Secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.
    about Dude Wipes · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Joe Shane — Person · Co-host / main speaker · 5 mentions · first at
    One of the primary voices driving the conversation (games, movies, touring, comedy stories) and directly interacting with Conor O'Conor and other referenced figures.
  • Conor O'Conor — Person · Referenced friend / recurring off-mic character · 3 mentions · first at
    A frequently referenced friend whose temperament and drunken antics are used as comedic examples (anger, arguing, London stories), culminating in a joke that he should be in Mortal Kombat.
  • John Malkovich — Person · Referenced actor (movie discussion) · 2 mentions · first at
    Brought up as the star of a newly seen film ('Opus') that the speakers strongly criticize; used to riff on casting and premise absurdity.
  • Boba Fett — Person · Referenced fictional character (pop culture analogy) · 1 mention · first at
    Used as a visual analogy for ill-fitting tactical gear, comparing a 'fat' return of Boba Fett to someone outgrowing SWAT gear.
    That looks like when they brought back Boba Fett, but he was fat now and they didn't adjust the costume. It was like up here.

Books & papers

  • City of God — Book · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a great movie, similar in style to another discussed film.
  • When We Were Kings — Book · Referenced work · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a movie the speaker thinks another would love, based on the title.
    Yeah, that guy. He was in that movie When We Were Kings, which I feel like is I always I don't even think I've heard of that movie. As I was saying it, I was I feel like Shane, this is a movie.

Products & tech

  • Mortal Kombat — Product · Discussion topic · 10 mentions · first at
    Discussed as a video game with a new movie adaptation and its gameplay features.
    Yeah, that's a good point. It should be like in Mortal Kombat you would have put in then you have to put in a setting for like should have settings if you want to play kind of like you know reeled back GTA you can just hit a setting if you.
  • Ready or Not — Product · Discussion topic · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as a new, psychologically intense SWAT team simulation game.
  • Grand Theft Auto V — Product · Discussion topic · 2 mentions · first at
    Referenced in the context of its content and the speaker's involvement in the game.
  • Max Payne 3 — Product · Discussion topic · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in passing as a game the speaker wanted a copy of.
    I want a copy of Max Pain 3. And he goes, You [ __ ] comics, man. Always looking for free shit. I go, Your game just made a billion dollars. You paid me three grand. Send me […

Sponsors

  • Viori — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a versatile pair of shorts suitable for various sports and activities.
  • Dude Wipes — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Advertised as a superior alternative to traditional toilet paper for cleanliness.

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. Two hours. We're doing two. Whatever you want to do. Yeah. No, the page. The page. Oh, I like that, man. I like that approach. Can you guys not release this till October? Can you I'm I'm joking. I was going to say I thought the special. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I was waiting to share it for this episode. Thank you. I was in I was in a tomb on Monday. I Dude, I was Trust me when you hit me back. I was like, he just did the He's got a tomb. He's in the tomb. I Well, we can start because discussing the tomb I was just in is the tomb was sarcophagus.

I was in I've risen. I'm Lazarus right now. This is the third day. I'm actually Yeah. What's the tomb like? Are you Is the tomb the bed or the couch? The tomb is I just played there's a new game called Ready or Not, and I played it for two days. That's awesome. I played the entire I played the entire I played every mission. Meanwhile, it's so long psychologically. What's the thought? Is it thought process all mission or it's usually it's 100% on the mission which is all right. So that's one big it might be a bad way to deal with stress because I'm just focused on that and then you go oh [ __ ] I forgot about all the problems.

You know what I mean? You're not you're not trying to work out any problems going on. We got to [ __ ] clear this room fellas. Breach. Breach. But then while you respawn you have 15 seconds. Then you get killed. You get killed on some [ __ ] way and then you go yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] game. [ __ ] this game sucks. [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] I forgot my life sucked, too. [ __ ] [ __ ] The game's awesome. I suck. Is it a war game? Yeah, it's just uh You're a SWAT team. You're going to love it. And the video games are back, dude. These guys made a wild ass game.

Oh man, I want to get that. You're breaking into like child porn [ __ ] facilities. You're break Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's really a dark [ __ ] up game. I'm getting that today. Yeah. Well, get ready to enter the tomb. How good does it feel to clear the child porn sanctuary? Feels good. Yeah, that's nice. Feels really good. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. It's like So, there's Blast. I was about to say you blast everyone in there. Yep. You go. What the [ __ ] are you guys doing dude? That's totally fair. If you're in like a industrial Yeah. You clear out like a school shooting.

Can you run away? You can hide for a while. [ __ ] a. This game sounds [ __ ] awesome. It sounds like every dude's fantasy is wrapped up into one. It's like obviously stopping a school shooting. Obviously wearing SWAT gear. Just that alone. Everyone wants to wear SWAT tactical gear. Although, ever since I saw the picture of Big Chungus at the protest during BLM, I realized I could never rock the SWAT gear. What? Too big to wear SWAT gear? How so? When you're a big guy in swear, it looks [ __ ] hilarious. Have you ever seen it? Have you ever seen a big fat guy in swat?

Never thought about it. Oh, I'll show you big chungus. I feel like you would look like a juggernaut. There's also there is that. Yeah, there is that. I could wear the hurt locker [ __ ] and just be juggernaut. But juggernaut sucks. You get shot [ __ ] nine million times. True. You play games, Matt? No, I can't have it, man. I won't stop playing it. It's like a complete time suck. I can't. You got full family, too. So, it's Yeah. Yeah. I'd imagine there's not a ton of But wait, do you play with the kids, though? Not yet. It's getting there, though.

There could be some Mario Kart with a 5-year-old soon. Yeah, you can't be the jungest. That's insane. You can't be the big jungle. He didn't have the right gear. His gear's too small. Yeah, it's a tough getting too fat for your tactical gear would be tough. Yeah, cuz then it's literally life or death. You have you have Viscer exposed. That looks like when they brought back Boba Fett, but he was fat now and they didn't adjust the costume. It was like up here. Some Australian dude just been drinking for 10 years and they're like, "You want to do the roll again?" He's like, "Yeah, fuck."

Yeah. Then waiting on this coal. [ __ ] His helmet's like a yamaka on his head. I don't know. Bo is an Australian man. Or he's or he might be from um cuz if that's the case, he lives actually on Tatooine. I think he's New Zealand. Oh okay. Yeah, that guy. He was in that movie When We Were Kings, which I feel like is I always I don't even think I've heard of that movie. As as I was saying it, I was like, I feel like Shane, this is a movie Shane would love, but I'm basing that only on the title, When We Were Kings. A movie you would love.

Drunk [ __ ] every night. We was the [ __ ] best. The movie takes place in a bus stop. It takes place in a bus stop in West Philadelphia. was I think it's about like I think it's kind of like um Slum Dog Millionaire except in New Zealand or one of those kind of movies. Okay. I think or like City of God maybe it's like that. City of God's awesome. I've never seen either movie. I heard they're both great. City of God's awesome. Yeah. I'm title on the Irish. I'm a big subtitle movie guy. I like that. Let's talk movies.

What? Let's talk song movies we've never seen. Movies. City of God. City of God rules. You'd like it. Wait, I want to look up what when we were I'm going to look it up at one point. What? What? When we were kids. Probably the best movie analysis ever. I don't know what it's about. It's like two movies I've ever seen. It's a guy from New Zealand. I just saw one of the shittiest movies I've ever [ __ ] seen. What? Uh Opus the new John Malovich movie. Never. Where? All right, let me just shoot the premise at you and you'll immediately know we're off to a bad start.

John Malovich plays a uh once famous uh R&B pop singer. What? How does How does he do that? Who disappears? He was like big in the 80s and then he disappears and comes back 30 years later for his opus. He's putting out another album after 30 years of absence. That always works. Yeah. And it's John Malkovich. Damn. It's It'd be nice if it was like late Kel like yo [ __ ] is a buffet. I love your [ __ ] I thought they were gonna make him like a you know like a [ __ ] Pink Floyd dude. When I heard the premise and I'm like oh no he's like a dance singer like a [ __ ] like like like uh it's so but and then they so all these people get invited to his big compound to listen to the record and everybody starts dying and it's it's it's get out.

It's like the 5th7th time they've remade Get Out since [ __ ] Get Out came out. It is sucks dick. It is a terrible [ __ ] movie. Who's the villain? Who's who's the He is You're describing a pretty sick [ __ ] movie. You'd think You'd think it [ __ ] sucks dude. Also sounds like an event that me and my squad should probably breach. And Yes. Yeah. Tie up the civilians, make sure everybody's taken care of. You could have stopped it. I could have stopped. You could have stopped the onslaught. There's gonna be some people. This game's a hit, dude. Yeah, there's gonna be some people breaching some houses.

You think so? I think so. Because it does gives you that that desire. Yeah. Your ex-wife's got a new boyfriend. That would be You got four of your boys. You go, "All right, stack the door." Yeah, they should be doing school drop off. The [ __ ] shotgun the lock. Frag it. 7:45. They haven't left yet. They should be doing drop off right now. We're going in. I think they f I don't think I'm making this up. Didn't they use Forza to actually train uh race drivers? Didn't they actually play [ __ ] Forza as like a simulation before they got on the actual road?

I'm not sure. Probably Gran Yeah. Oh, Gran Turismo. That's what it was. Yeah, that makes sense. That's insane though that games are getting like I actually think what you're saying is I think like these games actually could be like tactical training before you're in the field. Uh I mean, you know, yeah, Nate's all I would have failed. A [ __ ] civilian came running around the corner. I was like, "Oh, that was [ __ ] He was running right at me. Everybody saw that." Scared the [ __ ] out of me. They do scare you. How do you distinguish?

There's a Oh, the worst one. There's like a For real. There's like a Pulse nightclub shooting. What? And the thing that they did in the game that always [ __ ] me up from the actual shooting that people described it was everyone's phones going off. That was dead. Wow. Like when the cops went in to clear it out, you could just hear every phone in the building buzzing, which is so sad. Yeah, I didn't think about that. And they kept that in the game. That's in the game. Oh, it's like a [ __ ] up game. Yeah. Holy [ __ ] That that used to be they used that used to get a lot of backlash. Remember there was a Modern Warfare where you had to take down the airport shooter.

Yeah. Yeah. There was like people were like, "This is [ __ ] up. This is too far." And then other people were like, "No, this is important." Like, well, it's definitely not important, but it's [ __ ] crazy. That mission was awesome. That mission was crazy. I think it is important. If you just sit there and do that for hours and hours and hours, I do feel like if the real thing happened, you might on some level be more prepared. Well, that's exactly the problem cuz in this mission, you are the shooters. Oh no. First half, you walk around with a machine gun in a [ __ ] airport.

You're an airport shooter? Yes. And the mission. Wait, I didn't remember that part. The first part you were the shooter. Anybody? No, you're not. You're literally just going through killing every civilian. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really bad. All right. That might be too far. That's nuts. Yeah. That's not good. That's why that's why Call of Duty the old switcheroo was like I'm a I'm a purple woman sliding. Yeah. All right. I see it. They hit the pinnacle. They hit the peak. They're like, we made the top of the mountain.

Although in Grand Theft Auto, you're essentially doing that anyway. But Grand Theft Auto, there's rumors that there is a pride parade in the city. And fellas don't don't Don't let me catch you. Don't dude. I'm these videos are going to be [ __ ] chaos. Oh no. Every single person that downloads the game going straight. I feel I do feel like they go, "No way. No way." and they go, "What would happen?" To be fair, it's time the hookers in GTA get a break. Yeah true. The hookers are going to be watching be like, "Thank [ __ ] God. Finally, we can relax."

They're next. One of the uh Once you get five stars from the [ __ ] parade, you're headed straight to the [ __ ] strip club. You think I forgot? So funny. Yeah, they're doing that. That's uh I wonder if they'll make it off limits. I think they're going to reel this game back. They can't. It'll get hacked. That game gets hacked, too. I think they're going to reel this one back. One of I was friends with this guy, Llo, that was one of the top developed guys. He was the guy that put us all into the games and [ __ ] and he left.

I forgot you were in Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Five. That's [ __ ] awesome. It's wild. That is awesome. Faces in it. I did mo cap. It was insane. I would mo cap's a nightmare. It would suck. How much did you feel like? You must have looked nuts in a mo cap, by the way. It was old school moap, wasn't this [ __ ] Harrison Fortune where they put blue dots on your face like I had a helmet on with a camera in my face. It was crazy. You had to wear like a frog suit like Green Man. What did you roll? What did you play? There's um when you go into the save house or the safe house, whatever it's called, there's a TV and there's shows you can watch and there's a show with the whoever the action star is in the in that series that's like the Stallone type.

Yeah. It's a reality show about him and I play his new agent and I'm like this cokehead and it's me and him. We did like we shot like 30 minutes. We shot a full episode of this thing. Whoa. And it's in the game and then we went back and did additional content later that never got released that I just had to sign crazy NDAs about. I'm not allowed to talk about it. But that's awesome. But anyway, it was awesome. It was [ __ ] you in this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this episode is brought to you by Viori. So, there's a lot of sports out there.

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Is it a four-way performance stretch? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Definitely the fourth dimension. I can I can stretch backwards in them for sure. Also I I the the core is a little tougher. Some of their stuff is like borderline erotica. So like if you feel my shorts right here. I'm actually wearing them right now. I'm actually wearing them right now. I'll do that. Please do not. Matt, view your is an investment in happiness. And right now, you can get 20% off your first order and free shipping on any US order of $75 and free returns.

So get your core shorts now at viori.com/sec. That's voor i.com/sec. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. But that guy, this guy llo was like he he was he put Burr and and Bobby Kell, everybody in. But but um And they had standup in was it four or five? Yeah, I think Bird No, Jervase is doing stand up in Cat Williams. Yeah, Cat Williams. Go watch stand up and it actually has a comedian in it. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, but he's You can bring your gun in there and you can shoot Williams, bro. Standup special animated. That'd be awesome. A special where you're just in a mocap suit. You perform live in a mo cap suit and they recreate it in GTA 5 and people can just like shoot people dur What? What?

Really? That's what I'm saying. That's [ __ ] sick. It literally did that. That's awesome. You can walk in. There's a comedy club and it's Ricky Dves. That's awesome. Yeah, it was it was nuts when we did it cuz it was it was like early days of that. Not early, but you know, early age. Yeah, you should do that now again. Yeah. And just put it out as a game. Be like, this is my special. You could shoot me. It's live. Yeah. You guys, nobody hears it one. Nobody hears the first joke ever. They had this [ __ ] We were in this green room and they had all these plastic like structures and like they'd be like, "That's your car." So like open the door and sit in it, whatever. And you would do it and then they'd be like, "Okay, come over here and look at this."

It was rendering in real time. Whoa. So you'd walk over and you It didn't look like it did in the game, but it was like you getting into a [ __ ] car in a video game immediately. It was crazy. It was [ __ ] crazy, dude. This is like 2009. This is a wild. But anyway, yeah, the game made $5 billion. I got paid three grand. And I remember calling Lazlo and going, "I want a copy of Max Pain 3." And he goes, "You [ __ ] comics, man. Always looking for free shit." I go, "Your game just made a billion dollars. You paid me three grand. Send me [ __ ] Max Pain 3 right now." And he's like, "All right, that that's fair, dude. Okay, I'll send you one."

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. when you put it that way. But, um, I think it's the point I'm ultimately getting at is I have a feeling with his absence, I feel like they're going to they're going to reel back in this one. I don't I just don't think it's like Eminem saying like, "Look, man. Time's changed. Nobody wants this anymore. I'm just not doing it anymore." I I feel like they're going to pull back. Ready or not, it's kind of proven everyone wants it. Well, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. It should be like like in Mortal Kombat you would have put in then you have to put in a setting for like should have settings if you want to play kind of like you know reeled back GTA you can just hit a setting if you want to go nuts should just be you get to be Hunter Biden.

Yeah, there was the blood the blood code. Hunter Biden's rocking right now. He's rocking right now. That fired me up there. He might be dude he might literally the Okconor man. He is Did you hear the way he was speaking? I've had that conversation with Okconor 10 million times. I saw the clip. He's like, "That [ __ ] wants to [ __ ] talk a shit." I'm like, "Damn, this is the Okam. I just fought him at LA's for [ __ ] 10 hours with this exact conversation." [ __ ] idiot. O' Conor is a [ __ ] psycho. I've seen him get angrier and I'm an angry dude. Oh, Connor gets hot, man.

Oh, Conor. Yeah. And I know exactly how to do it. And it's so funny, dude. You're [ __ ] You're Batman, dude. Remember Batman in the in the Justice League comics? He had a way to kill every member of the Justice League just in case it went sideways. That's Shane with every one of his friends. I know exactly how to piss you off, dude. And I'm going to do it right now. No, I'm the comment. The comment's just the I don't want to ever do that really to you guys. You do get the You get the comments fired up. It's really funny. He also He knows too though. He'll he'll feel it. You'll start hitting the buttons and he'll go, "I'm not doing this with you." And then and then eventually you can't you can't He always He's like, "Hey, we're not I'm not doing that right now." And they go, "Yeah, you are.

This is This is This is a classic Okaroo, right? Ready?" When he starts getting hot, he goes like this. Dude, what the [ __ ] are you talking about? You've You've reached his wall. You You've Yeah. You've climbed his wall at that point. I mean, you're fully You're fully inside the citadel. Dude, we were arguing. You took the Trojan horse. He fell asleep. You're cutting everybody's heads off. It's over. Shane and I were arguing about Prince. I was pro Prince. Shane was anti- Prince. It was our argument. Go. Connor jumped in. Okconor got so Connor lost his [ __ ] mind. But hold on, hold on. That was You want to talk about great great drunks? Yeah.

This was one of the alltime drunks. This was coming back from London back to back to the United States and we had uh like a private room. Mhm. We were flying We It wasn't private. It wasn't private jet, but they have this thing you they're cheap as [ __ ] Yeah. Everybody should be doing There's like a VIP thing at big airports. Mhm. For like $1,000. Yeah. Where they just that you have your own security, you have your own thing, and then they just put you in a room with free alcohol. And then they're like, "Guys, the flight got delayed by two hours." And everyone in the room was just like green light.

[ __ ] We got we drank vodka for three hours and argued about Prince for three straight hours. Okame was my staunchest ally. Okame went Oh, he went nuts. Anti Prince. He was like, "Play one [ __ ] song. Play one [ __ ] song. Shane was being like, "Appreciate your support, Chris. You got to back it off, dude. Like, you're going crazy right now, man." They should have reached out to air traffic control like, "We got to get this plane up, but this is a disaster. We have a disaster on be smoke in the [ __ ] room." Yeah, we smoke in the room. It was I didn't know this existed.

Yeah. Either did I. I did it once. This is the second time I've done it. I did it once at JFK and it was the biggest waste of money of all time. Really? Just a woman met me at Baggage. Yeah. and walked me through and then took me to an airport lounge and they were like and then she left and then they were like you can't come in here. I was like, "Oh shit." Oh, that sucks. That sucks. The closest I got to it was just a regular lounge. It was like a Yeah, someone in a wheelchair at the airport. That's That's [ __ ] VIP status.

Yeah. When my wife was super pregnant, she got the wheelchair and you just go through like a weird corridor. It's awesome. Yeah, that would be a flex, dude. If you got hit the regular airport, hit the chair. I should start hitting the chair anyway. blanket blanket over my [ __ ] head. Get it like a blackjack dealers poker player visor. Just get pushed through the airport. Just black out. Just get blacked out. Start screaming about Prince from a wheelchair. Just get the Stephen Hawking set up for when you're blacked out. Just blink.

Like, do you want another You want some more penis? Just go start blinking. Tony, get you should get just getting up occasionally be like, "All right, I'll have one more. I'll have one more beer. just just walking up. Get towed by the cart. Have the guy have the Egyptian guy screaming, "Get out of the way." You just get towed behind the chair. That would be nice. Or squat up. Just have like six or four. Get biker vest Mario Kart. You're saying You're saying turn the JFK into Toad's turn bike. Isn't that insane? Isn't that insane though that somebody could get so fat they just get VIP? a treatment. It's crazy.

It's insane. It's crazy, dude. It's like ancient times. Like, ever someone was super fat back in the day, like you must be I think I think if people found like just vague records of our civilization, they'd be like, "They worshiped fat people." Yeah. They did everything for the fat. Dude, when I was reading about the Aztecs, there was one of the guys that Cortez linked up with who was like a rival against Montazuma. He was a fat king and he had servants literally hold his belly up for him. So he would come talk and be like, "Yo, we got to [ __ ] up Monizuma." And he had two guys the whole time just Yeah.

holding his belly while he talked. I was like, that's what it used to be like doing YKWD. You'd get in there, there'd be five dudes just Yes, Bobby. Yes. Like, dude, you're a [ __ ] punk. Crazy. Yes, Bobby. Get him. Shut the [ __ ] up, dude. [ __ ] Don't [ __ ] talk to me like that, dude. I listen to the Reg. You ever listen to the regs? Yeah, it's funny. Reg is great. It's great. Yeah, it's funny. The Regs clips come up for me and it is it's so funny. It's the best. The uh Wait, wait. Speaking of dudes, it'll throw down the drama of Sod's another one. So, he'll get fired up.

Sod will get a play college football. No, I told this story a thousand times. I think I think Danny might hate it. I'm sorry. No, it's okay, Dan. I love you, dude. We all sp I've never seen a harder I'm I'm a obviously obviously I've seen you hit some hard spad video game spazz you you hit you hit more girl it's girl spazz you I'm running up the steps yeah I'm like [ __ ] this this game sucks you guys are stupid you guys are wasting all your time anyway dude [ __ ] this running up the steps to an air mattress you guys are the [ __ ] losers going upstairs.

I don't see why you waste your time. I literally played all day by myself. Like, I'm going to be chain in a video game. Got my ass handed to me. I was like, "You guys are [ __ ] losers wasting your time with this shit." And ran up the stairs. Dude, I get so mad. I get so mad at video games. Dick down on an air mattress. Like, I [ __ ] hate these guys. I get Oh, dude. I I I play by myself and scream at the TV. Dude, I I was playing Last of Us and I couldn't figure out how to get through this play. I was trying to get a ladder down to climb out of this room and it wouldn't let me take the ladder.

Nothing worse. And then you walk over to it and it's like press A. You're like, how the [ __ ] did I It wasn't letting me and I and the zombies kept attacking me and I was dying instantly and I was literally alone in my house in Pennsylvania and I was going well it's [ __ ] stupid if one [ __ ] bite kills you. What's the [ __ ] point? And dude, my neighbors must have been like, "What the [ __ ] is going on in there?" I lose my [ __ ] dude. I used to bite the [ __ ] cable on the NES controller. That's nuts. Yeah, when I was a kid, I would get so I go, I've never heard the cable bite.

The cable bite's intense. My friend used to My friend used to cable whip his little brother with the PS2. You'd pull out PS2 controller and go cable whips are scary. Cable whip is crazy. Do you remember somebody? Oh sorry. I'll still get uh like when we those Oklahoma kids were playing me in UFC, if it's a big game, the heart rate goes up. Oh dude. Like that time you and me were playing in the That might have been the most stressful video game of all time. That was just playing UFC in front of I don't know, honks.

Honks. It was like Zack Efron. Zack Efron, Robert Patson, and Christian McCaffrey. It was literally Dream threesome. It's hilarious. It's [ __ ] For real. Matt pulled the ops. I choked under pressure. He's beat me like four times ever. That was one of them. Yeah. Wow. I I just choked. You didn't go to the ground. You could have went to the ground. Uh that was honorable. I had to I mean it was too good of a fight dude. It was such a good fight. Every every kick that landed, people in the room were like, "Oh, he didn't get me. He didn't get me."

Oh, dude. That's [ __ ] Do you ever Did you ever have somebody like I've had friends like literally punch me pro if I had ever probably there's been fights when we were younger but it's like like when we were 16 and Street Fighter 2 on Super Nintendo was huge whatever. Yeah. I remember I was play with my friend Kevin. If you and if you beat him he would literally punch you. That's so funny. And he would go I could beat the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of you. There's one uh that's a scary one. Really? He doesn't get violent, but that like it changes the day.

If you beat him in a game, it changes like he gets the rest of the day a little sad. He'll get a little Yeah, he'll get you though. He'll start getting you. Like you go, what the [ __ ] you being mean to me for? Oh yeah, I forgot I beat you in Xbox last week. I'm also I'm a sore I'm a sore winner, too. I'm better with it now. When I was younger, I was I was always bad at video. You are a sore winner. So when I win, I would do a thing where I would like just sit there. I grab what I have a drink next to me and just go and just do [ __ ] like that. You're like, "Dude, for real, stop doing that." I'm like, "This is just water. Just I'm thirsty. It feels good.

I'm just drinking." Maybe maybe you're upset. Yeah. And then start being like, "Yeah, you know, it's just what I do. I kind of go low and you kind of go high too." And it's just shut the [ __ ] up, dude. The uh I I've never I think the only time I've ever beaten you in a video game was when we played Mortal Kombat. every other game we've ever played each other against. You've beaten me. You guys are all doing activities. MK's Achilles heel for sure. I I'm working on You got better at MK. I'm working on it. Bring it, dude.

It's coming. Bring it. I'm [ __ ] swinging swords with Conan right now, dude. It's coming. Oh, yeah. You downloaded the [ __ ] game and started playing it. Yeah. [ __ ] You actually said to me this is That's [ __ ] This was an insane thing to say to me. I downloaded the game and you go, "No, I download the game and you go, don't get good at it because I'm not going to play it." And I'm like, "Oh, I'm going to have fun cuz you're not going to play." No no no. You game. This is This is game stealing. This is almost worse than friends stealing.

Coming over going, "Oh, new Mortal Kombat's good." Cuz we were playing it together and having a nice time cuz we were just as good. Yeah. Go home and download it and practice. No, I want to play. That's game stealing. That's cowardship. That game sucks. The game sucks by yourself. No, it doesn't, dude. You have not played with Conan, man. It It's [ __ ] righteous dude. It's righteous. That game when you win a match, he goes like this and they recreate the poster from Conan the Barbarian. It's How many times do you get to see that?

Seven dozen. It never gets old. No, it never gets old, dude. It never gets old. And the guy doing his voice is good. T1000's awesome. Uh uh yeah, those quest mode sucks in Mortal Kombat. One player blows. One player sucks. Yeah, one player. I've tried it. It [ __ ] sucks. But training, just being just in the dojo training and just being like, "Yeah, let's pop it on." What? Oh, what are you guys playing? 17 hit combo. You're like, "What the hell the [ __ ] did I do that?" The combos are nuts. The trailer for the new movie looks all right.

Yeah, I I like the more Really? I I disagree. I like that at the end when Scorpion flew in and they did the get over here. I didn't make it to the end. Oh really? I I turned it off with like 30 seconds or like 20 seconds. I don't think he's a good Johnny Cage. I think it's Miss Cass playing Carl Urban uh from what's he on? The Boys. The Boys. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't look like Johnny Cage. Like Johnny Cage was kind of modeled after JeanClaude Vanam. Yeah. And like Johnny Cage, he should be prettier. Like he's not Carl Urban's not pretty enough. The whole cool thing about Johnny Cage is that he's like a pretty boy, but he's a badass.

Punches you in the dick. Yeah. It literally should be like Ryan Felipe. You know what I mean? Yeah. Wait, not Ryan Felipe. Ryan Gosling. I've never heard him called Ryan Felipe. No, Ryan Felipe is a dude. No, I know, but I always thought it was Philippe. No, I think it's Felipe Felipe. I thought it was Felipe, too. Really? They should have They should have Kevin Spacy as Johnny Cage. Hold on a second. Good. By the way, shout out to Felipe. We were just chilling with him. He's a listener of the podcast. Felipe is going to hear that.

Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. I I'm a big fan of Felipe. The way the way of the gun. Yeah. Yeah. He's the [ __ ] Oh, you know what? Actually, Ryan, if you are listening, I know that I know that you were friends with uh Sean Price, and Sean Price is to me one of the greatest rappers that ever friend Steel. What else you got? There it is. Shout outs to Sean Price. Shout outs to Ryan Felipe. Yeah, but uh he Yeah, Sean Price rips. Hold on. How my first You guys never heard of this? Felipe. I've always heard Felipe. Felipe. Yeah, that's how I always pronounce it.

This is nuts. And I my actor database is horrible. I'm It's like embarrassing. Like, you know, like I'm like I've never No. It's got to be It's Will Smith, Robin Williams. I'm like A+ actors. It has to. You got to be A+. How do you pronounce it, guys? Produce the show. Jesus Christ. There's four dudes out there. Guy's just staring at us. Look at Lamar. He's cashing a check right now. Oh my god. La Mer, you can't see at home. Lamar's feet aren't touching the ground. He's on a sto. You guys got me fully charged talking about Mortal Kombat. I [ __ ] We can get some MK going.

I hate Mortal Kombat now. Why? It used to be because it sucks. The lore's bad. I knew it was Philippe. Philippines. Yes. Wait, who said No, you can't go by the way the the Google voice thing did. Yeah, he probably actually Oh really? Everybody's always It's Ryan Philippe. Whoa. I've been calling him Felipe forever. Holy [ __ ] Felipe is crazy. Philippe. I think it's got a beautiful ring to it. Felipe. I knew I wasn't wrong, dude. I knew me and Ryan were boys. Dang. Damn. Damn. You tried to friend steal and mispronounce his name.

Yeah, he's probably furious right now. Crazy, dude. I'm going to play [ __ ] Mortal Kombat Ryan. I'm going to You can I'm going to let my my I'm going let my bros ride on you, dude. You know what? I'm going to I'm going to let my Wow. Wow, Wes. I'm going to go find a dude that pronounces it Felipe and he's going to be my friend. Yeah, time stamp that one. This episode of Matt and Shane Secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah. Every time. Yeah. Every single time.

Yeah. I did it all week. [ __ ] disaster. I left a I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a paint job. Uh, do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not cuz I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] my pants constantly. I just used to work. What the [ __ ] you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people?

What do they want to know? There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I I'm a stand up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears every I don't know. I can't do it. Uh, well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your bee holes some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the flushable design makes clean up a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults. So, no uh so no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude Wipes. Best clean pants down. Available. These guys are really funny. Amazon. Uh it's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Hey guys, just a quick heads up. I will be at the Ovation Hall in the Ocean Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, Saturday, August 16th, the year 2025.

Please come. You can go to mattmcusker.com for tickets. There's also a link in the show description. Please come. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a hoot. It's gonna be a good time. And I I'm Dude, the new material is coming. New materials. The new material is coming. So, I I will have a a whole slew of new stuff. If you see me in Philadelphia, guys, check the [ __ ] out. What are you waiting for? I mean, it's going to be It's Ocean is a It's a sick venue, actually. Like, I opened there for you. It's awesome. So, uh, uh, Matt, August 8th and 9th, I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky in St. Louis, Missouri. August 8th and 9th, Louisville, Kentucky, St. Louis, Missouri.

Huge. Then, uh, August 15th, Detroit 16th, Grand Rapids. Nice. Come on, y'all. Come on, gang. Just come out. Get in there, M. You get in there, Maze. Oh, turn them around. Hey, everybody. August 5th is Optimum Noctis. And then also at the end of the month, like the 26th to the 30th, get the dates right before you come in here. August 26th to August 30th, I'll be in the East Coast. So, please come check out on the East Coast where I'll be in the Phil. No, I'll be in Baltimore. I'll be in uh New Jersey, the Dojo of Comedy, and then various other bars. So, please check out all that information on lamely.fun.

There you go. Nice. Oh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Dang. There. There you have it, man. That's huge. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's big, dude. I have actually I've had a huge development. So, you know, I suffer from body acne. You know, I suffer in silence. My stomach breaks out, especially with the sweat, the heat down here. I'm sorry. Yeah. Thank you, man. It's [ __ ] Dude, I found I you know, I went to a dermatologist and like, dude, those guys I I I they don't do anything. Everything I'm like, whenever I eat this, why don't you shower?

True. All right. Thanks. No, they're like, "Well, there's no, you know, like whatever you eat, whatever." I'm like, "No, dude. If I dare you, my whole stomach breaks out." They're like, "There's no real science behind that." I'm like, "Dude, it literally happens." I've lived it. It's a It happens to me. Yeah, it happens every time. I dare you to deny my truth. Give you all these creams and you read them and it's like, don't use this more than two weeks. It's like, why? What's going to happen? Why should I put this on at all?

Yeah, dude. Recently, I It's been for real like groundbreaking cuz whenever you go to the ocean, you know, your skin clears up. Yeah. So, I was like, how could I recreate that? I got a bucket of dead sea salt and I just go in the shower now. I wet myself and I just cover myself in salt head to toe and just let it sit. Let it sit on me for like five minutes. Completely cleared my skin up. Yeah, my wife hates it. I'm going to have to grub you, dude. Grub me up. You better stop. I taste I'm like wag you. I'm like grubbing yourself, dude.

Dude, it cleared it up. It's the only thing that's ever worked. And it's salt. It's [ __ ] You get a big bucket of it for 30 bucks. Yeah. Sun and saltwater are the two I I had I don't know why I forget what happened but I had like an ac like a full-on acne outbreak a year ago really and uh or a year and a half ago and it was in the winter and I think it was Yeah, it was gross. It sucks, dude. It sucks being our age and getting acne. What the [ __ ] is happening? But it was because I was I was still living in New York and it was like it was raining every day and it was dark and like it I just it was it was definitely related to weather and I went and I did the Joker's cruise and it cleared up on the cruise.

Yeah. Like it just cleared up immediately as soon as I got in the sun and there was like a saltwater pool. Bro, I had I had an insane like a rare skin disease when I was younger. That sucks. like just out of no I told you that's pitaris rosa out of nowhere I've never seen anything like it was just patches of red all over me and didn't itch didn't burn it was nothing it look like a red spot like sunburn the first one there's there's a herald patch that comes first I was just looking in the mirror and I just had a big red mark here okay and I was like all right whatever I don't give a [ __ ] and then started multip it was just all over me but it was only where sun doesn't get you. So it's from your knees to your elbows to your like it was just where you wear clothes.

Yeah. And then my family and I went to the beach. Cleared up. Cleared it up. Did it ever. But I had to lay in public with a giant red skin rash. Yeah. Did it ever get like rashy and raised or was it always just like your skin was? It was a little rashy and raised but it still didn't itch or hurt. Skin's [ __ ] weird cuz it is an organ. It's an organ on your body. You're right about dermatologist though. Like a dermatologist would be like, "Yep, that's pretty gross." you know, here's some cream, you know, like and the cream, the reason you can't do it for more than two weeks is because a lot of it's it will it thins your skin.

Yeah. And you I what I've had with the cream used a lot. I have I get a thing called sensitive ass. I get a thing called um Well, it also I've had it wash down to my balls and you know and it like my ball skin is would go crazy from whatever they were giving me. Ball skin goes the craziest. Oh, ball skin. When ball skin goes, they absolutely When that stuff goes down, you get dried out ball sack, bro. That's three years. It's Yeah, exactly. That's not going away for three [ __ ] years. It's the worst, dude. It sucks. I get I actually dealt with an armpit rash for an entire year last year.

What were you using? New deodorant with alcohol. No, it was the same old deodorant. I just uh it was almost like I got jockage. Yes, I've gotten that before. And it just lingered. I think there's nothing worse than an armpit rash because you have to put deodorant on it and it burns and it itches so bad and you you I was plowing through it. I was just putting [ __ ] uh antifungal cream on and filming tires. It was while we were filming tires. It went from the summer into when we were filming tires. It was a nightmare.

I don't wear I don't wear deodorant. I put it on like once every now and again. Do you not sweat though? I do and I'll smell a little bit but it's like dude my armpits get dry from deodorant. It's like I [ __ ] hate I used to remember Brute. Yeah. That like dude that stuff was flammable. I used to run it across the carpet and light it on fire and it would just go and make like a lion. Jesus Christ. Sick. It was the carpet. That was sick. I [ __ ] up a beach rental when I was a little kid one time cuz I would make designs in the carpet and you would light for two seconds.

Just like little f Well, I didn't do the I didn't do the Yeah, I didn't do the swap. You do the coolest design possible to set on fire. I would do little like loop toloop tracks and one time it did get out of control and I was like [ __ ] How did your parents not know you were lighting the carpet on fire? I don't know. I would just do it strip. They're probably [ __ ] shitfish. But there at one time I Yeah, they were [ __ ] It was 11:00 a.m. They were blacked out at the beach. Yeah, my parents never drank growing up, so they they knew everything I was doing. I wish I had parents that [ __ ] just got robbed. So has a joke about it, but it is it is the best.

Yeah. I mean, you have a parent come home drunk, you go, "This is a fun day." Yeah. Yeah. I miss that. Drunk dad is awesome. Your dad gets drunk when you're little. Although the first time I did get scared because I read a book in the library saying like it was all about like dad getting drunk and hitting your hitting your mom. So it's like the book was called like why does dad hit mom when he drinks? It was something like that. First time I saw my dad drunk, I was just like he's beating the [ __ ] out of my mom right now. And I was just a little coward. And I just sat in my room like I hope he doesn't go too hard on it.

Yeah. You [ __ ] He didn't at all. He was so friendly. Ryan, he sat on the steps and cried. Yeah. I should go I should go in there. He was just literally like a He would come in and be like, "Nah." And I'd be like, "Well, Dad, don't [ __ ] beat mom." Oh, that's great. Drunk, dad. Yeah, that's super friendly. Phil is still that. He gets like he comes home. He goes, "Yeah, [ __ ] it." Then you see him in the morning. He's like, "How are you? You're a [ __ ] punk." You're like, "Oh, you're hung over. You're being I'm not hung over."

He's never been hung over once. Hitting a girl with hung over is very funny. I've done it before. Like, you're just hung over and being [ __ ] I'm not even hung over at all. It's like, yeah, a little edgy. Everybody loves denying a hangover. Hey, it's crazy. Everybody's favorite thing to do is go, "I'm not You know what's crazy? I feel pretty good. There you go. I'll tell you guys right now, I'm [ __ ] hung over as [ __ ] Really? Oh, yeah. You put on That's why you asked how long this podcast was. No, no, I was just I was literally just curious. Stop riding me, dude.

That's too much lotion. That's We were We were in London in the van and you were [ __ ] with me. I was like, "Back off, dude." You just kept going, "I'm on your bumper, boy. I'm on your [ __ ] bumper. You're trapped. You got three days in the UK. You're not going anywhere. You're on his ass in the UK. I was so funny. Till we got off the flight till we landed back in the I mean, we were screaming in the [ __ ] airport. Holy [ __ ] dude. We got prime. I mean, you guys might have talked about it already, but we got prime OC Conor video over there.

Yeah, we got some classics. Him at the height of his powers. Yeah. Running through the streets of London being from London. Oh, like throwing [ __ ] Yeah. He was a He's a real problem. That's what I like about him though. He turns up that hard and then you won't see him for two weeks. He's got to He's got to mend himself. He He goes home and he lays he enters the tent. I saw him last night. I got to read. I got to [ __ ] cook. I got to become a good person. Then you go, "Why don't you come out?" Yeah. Yeah. His bouncebacks are crazy. It's pretty impressive.

I saw him last night. We were in the green room. We had two drinks and I was like, "What are you doing, dude?" He's like, "I don't know. I might go see Sadie." Whatever. And he [ __ ] snuck out. I was like, "He's dodging it for it." Yeah. He's trying to be good. You got to respect the dodge. Yeah, I get it. I get it, man. I get it. I'm [ __ ] terrible at it. I let everybody talk me into [ __ ] hanging out. I'm the worst. Yeah, but you do it. You do it just as much. You're one of the worst perpetrators of it. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, dude. Take a shot.

My birthday's next week. I've taken a thousand shots with you. And every time you go, you never take shots. It's It's been literally years. Literally. We've We've taken shots together. We took shots together last week at Mitsy's. I did not take any shots with you at Mitsy's. Yeah, we did. We did? Yeah. At the corner. Yeah. [ __ ] Well, you got me there. And you said it. I remember it. You go. You never take shots, boy. Bro, we took shots from the last week. My dude every week. It's so funny. It is usually late if I'm taking a shot.

I was talking to Carrie at Mothership last night about she's like, "What are you doing tomorrow, baby?" I was like, "I'm doing Matt and Shane." And uh I was just telling her about when you start pressuring to drink and I was like, "I'm going to be sitting on that couch. He's going to be like, "Come on, come on, dude. Let's get on. Come on. Let's go." I was like, she's like, "Wow." And I was like, "I can't say no to the man." No, we got to I'm No, I can't today. I can't today. Stop, dude. No. Stop, dude. No, I got spots tonight.

No, I can't. Yeah. All right. I can't I' I've got to remain in the tomb, dude. I just put together a run. I got to True. But I was just like Friday. True. I'll I'll make it to Friday. I don't fly out till Saturday. Where you at? uh back up to PA because I got to do some pods in New York and then Rhode Island gigs and and then some other stuff. We haven't even talked about your special. Yeah, dude. I'd love to talk about it. Yeah, it was great. Thank you, man. I like the intro. I like how spooky it was. Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. Thank you. I appreciate it.

And at first, I didn't like the blurry shots. And then I I came around. All right. Thank you. I I was a little on the fence about him too at first, but then the the closer we got to because I was I directed it too, so I was very involved from start to finish with everything. And um I was a little on the fence about it, too. But then ultimately I was like, "Oh, no. It works. It's it's I don't know. It's a it was, you know, it was a nice device, I thought, or whatever." But but yeah, man. I I appreciate you. I missed the actual taping.

I was at the after party. I You showed up right as the party was starting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was bummed I missed that. It was It was a good It was a good I was I was thrilled you you came down. You rolled in what? Six, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's I was thrilled you came down, dude. It was definitely got bullied into taking a shot. It's always a special night. Yeah. Yeah. It's always a special night. Yes. That was um but uh yeah, it's called I Never Promise You a Rose Garden. It's on my YouTube jarosa. So YouTube.comjosa comedy. Uh but anyway, I hope people enjoy it. It's good. But uh I was that's the hardest ever. It's a really good special.

Thank you, dude. It means a lot to me to hear you say that because and Matt feel free to jump in with the compliment. I I haven't seen it yet, so I always feel bad. I don't see And I usually And I usually go like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] I watch I watched yours a lot. I haven't finished it yet, but I've watched a lot of it. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I did the same thing with you. Like I was like, you're one of No, no, no, no. I'm saying though, like I don't I hear you. It's like it's it's kind of hard sometimes when you do comedy and you're around it all the time to jump into a special, but you're one of the guys where it's like I'm like I was like excited. I was like and we've done enough shows where I know the material.

Yeah. You know. Yeah. It was I was stoked. Askardini told me special. I'm like that's going to be a good can't wait to see that. Thanks guys. They were actually singing your praises before you got in. Thanks guys. I really appreciate how much they liked the I heard the way it started out and I was like awesome. the starting the starting bit of material. I was like, that's let's not let's not get any spoilers, but fantastic. I can't wait for the start of your special. Can't wait. No spoilers. No spoilers. But yeah, I heard I I was here and I was like that's Thanks, brother. Perfect. Thanks, dude.

It's the It's It's literally the hardest I ever worked on anything in my whole life. Like, it was three years of uh of touring and I was going to shoot it at one point and Ari Shafir was like, "It's not ready. It's not ready yet. It's not ready." you know, and then like when I finally did do it, like him being like [ __ ] did it, dude. I was like, "All right, that's awesome." Good for him for because that's hard to tell someone, but boy, if somebody told me it's not ready when I thought it was ready, we argued. I mean, me and Ari already Ari did argue. I wasn't just like, "Okay."

Yeah. I was like, "It's ready, dude. I don't need to do it for three years." And he goes, he goes, "Oh, yeah, cuz you're the one." And I was like, "God damn." All right. But uh but yeah, like but I don't know. It's like it's nice having friends. Like again, I'm not blowing smoke, but it's nice having friends who also do comedy that when they put something out, like when you put out your last one, you're excited to watch it cuz it's like, yeah, it's easy to get to have a friend who sucked. True. Like, check out this special.

Yeah. I'm excited for yours, dude. Thank you, man. I'm Yeah, you were talking a little bit about it last night. I'm pumped. I was getting uh dude Britney's been getting a lot of like people see her like oh four time MBA star WMA star and last night I was doing stand up and people brought it up they're like talk about your four time WNBA star wife and I I was just I thought it was great and now she's getting so much attention I'd just been like [ __ ] was [ __ ] hacked [ __ ] was a [ __ ] hack I mean [ __ ] turn on her I just got Yeah I just got to take her down just be like any look like an athlete. I don't know. I don't know what the [ __ ] the joke is.

I kept saying last night I was like, "He should have dressed me up, man. He should have dressed me up. I could have done that." I was like, "I could have done that." I know. The joke easily so easily could have been NHL. I know. No. No. Black W. Oh, you mean [ __ ] Let me put that [ __ ] on, dude. Well, then we wouldn't be talking right now, but we wouldn't be considered the greatest of all time. We wouldn't still be talking, but I just showed up fully prepared for the role. What the [ __ ] are you doing? We can save it. So funny.

Oh. Oh, I thought she was Oh, the joke's about Oh, [ __ ] Oh, I got to take this off. [ __ ] It's not coming off. It was It was fun for me to watch it again. [ __ ] I'm sitting next to Jaylen Carter. [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm dressed like a black lady. Dude, I saw uh the re-watching it and seeing the people behind us like clapping in earnest and then it's revealed and they go that was very fun to see. Yeah, the uh you [ __ ] [ __ ] We can save that one though, huh? Maybe I'll get another hosting job sometime. No, I'm not going to dress up as Yeah, just funny. Save it for the Oscars.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be Ryan Felipe. Felipe. Yeah. You got that in the You got that bullet in the chamber. We got that one locked and loaded. When it's time, it's time. It's time to hang it up. You go, you know what? I got one more. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. You're in the tomb on the comedown of setting the internet ablaze. Yes. Yeah. It's all types of And also what drank for a week? Yeah. That's enough to Yeah. Yeah. So, like after the SBS, I had to go do Kansas City and Oklahoma City. Yeah. And those, you know, you're doing a show like that. That's that that's a lot of [ __ ] stress.

I don't know how you also I flew home on Friday and I for real thought I was sucked. I thought I was going to fall down. Friday sucked ass. Oh [ __ ] Yeah, I had a later flight. Yeah, but like not that much later. I texted these guys like, "We're already there." I was walking through the airport like I felt like I was like not getting enough oxygen. That's how it feels because you were just so hung over. You mean I I didn't have like the headache or anything, but I was just I had like three hours. You drank a lot of liquor fast.

Yes. I had like two hours of sleep and just was walking through the airport with like my bag just like I for real might go down. I was like laded, bro. So bad. So that day I woke up in the hotel going, "Yes, I have nothing to do today. Perfect." And then I was like, "Oh [ __ ] I got to fly to Oklahoma and do a show." Then the next morning I woke up like, "Finally, I can [ __ ] go home. [ __ ] I got to go to Kansas [ __ ] city. God damn it." Yeah. I I don't know what's going on. I guess this is what being burnt out is.

But yeah, anxious like dreams. Yeah. And then wake up going, I don't have anything to do. Nice. [ __ ] Dude, you just did a thing that six people on planet Earth have done. It was the movie. Yeah, the movie. Filming a movie for a month and a half was Yeah. I've never done anything like that. And then shows and then the Yeah. You're running through a very unique time. It's time to It's time to lay down. Yeah. Yeah. And Oh, yeah. We filmed commercials that I'm seeing the edits to those and I don't [ __ ] Yeah. love them.

I go, "Oh, great." Yeah, there's nothing worse than watching yourself in a way. You're like, I don't like that. While you're anxious and hung over and you see a video of yourself, you go, that sucks. It was funny. I was trying to upload all of the stuff from our drunk podcast that next day in the airport. I would just watch it and be like, the anxiety of that podcast thing with the second half second half's in the tomb forever NFT until until one day. Yeah. sell it to Martin Skrey for $6 million. The uh Yeah. No, that that airport hangover like I like honestly I I like almost have a panic attack. I carry Xanax for it cuz cuz you're it's so like your gut is related to your anxiety and and all that [ __ ] And when you're in that state, you're walking, you're like you might have to take a [ __ ] you don't know.

Yeah. And then you could [ __ ] at any moment. Yeah. It's hard. You could No, I mean physically I could walk into a bathroom and take a [ __ ] while hung over at any If someone said take a [ __ ] right now, I go no problem. Oh, you mean like on command? Yes. Oh, that's great. One's chambered at all times. Yeah. Yes sir. When I'm hung over. Yes, daddy. I'm like a clear gay joke. I'm 103°. My face is I have like 103°ree fever and then I just woke up and I did the opposite. And I pounded coffee to like power through. So I'm having like heart palpitations. It was terrible.

Yeah, heart palpitations for sure. It was terrible. [ __ ] nuts. Then you know the B-Dubz at the airport's just right there going. You're nothing without me, coward. When I did uh when I did uh I did I did Kill Tony when they did the HB Center down here. I did the panel and I was only supposed to do a set and then I showed up and he was like, "I need you to panel, buddy." And I was like, "All right." And I was so hung over and I started the same thing, dude. Dehydrated. I felt like sick. I felt like I had a cold. I started [ __ ] pounding coffee to wake up. And then I was meeting it with booze to get like tuned up. Dude, I got on stage, my gut started turning. I my hand to God, dude. I had a two-minute panic attack on stage. I was sitting there. I was so I was hitting from all angles. And I was sitting there, the first bucket pull came out, the kid was talking to us and my brain was like,

"There's a lot of [ __ ] people out there, dude. It was all lit up." If you watch the video, you see me do this. You see this is the desk. And I just go like this. I just put the mic down. I just stare. I'm like, I'm going to freak out right now. I was like I was literally looking like where could I run off this [ __ ] stage? Yeah, that's tough. And then it just it just stopped and I was like, "Oh, that's hangover. That's like bad anxiety, man." I I get that doing standup where like I'll like forget the next thing I'm going to talk about. And it's like a 30-se secondond thing in my head where it's like, "This is it, dude. You're going to have to look at all these people and go, I can't do this. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know why, you know, and just walk off and you just power through and you're like, all right, thank God."

Yeah. No, I've been there, dude. Maria Bamford said she used to like she said she would like take comfort in knowing that at any second she she had the option of running out of the club and never returning to it. And she was like that's the only way I can get through it. Like sometimes Yeah. It's like [ __ ] It is nice when you get on stage and you go oh yeah I can do standup. Yeah. After the first like minute you go oh [ __ ] you. Yeah. Nice. Cuz for the last hour and a half I've been back there going what the [ __ ] I can't do this [ __ ] What the [ __ ] Yeah, I've done the coffee pre-show coffee to where I'm on stage and my heart's like and I'm like, "All right, I'm going to [ __ ] this this might be it." And then I've done it where I'm like, "Maybe I have a heart attack." And I really leaned into it and powered through and I was like, "I powered through a heart attack on that." I was

so proud of myself. I had this horrible pain in my chest at the I was headlining it was like two years ago. It might have been two or three years ago. Had a heart attack, bro. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I I was like, I have to get off stage. Yeah. And then I was like, well, this is my last joke. Just [ __ ] And I just did my last joke, got off stage. I was like, I'm pretty sure I just had a heart attack up there. Yeah. Did you And you never got it checked or anything? Nah, people have little ones. That That's something.

I don't I don't think it was an actual heart attack. I think people go in the doctor like, "Dude, you've had like three heart attacks." You're like, "What?" Uh, I was 34, dude. Dude, I know someone who got one at like 24 years old. I mean, they were they were taking heavy subs and then other recreationals, but yeah, I was I was on zero recreationals. Yeah, if you can have them without knowing, I've definitely had them, man. If that's an option, there's no way I haven't had heart attacks. There's no way. Well, if I ever had one, that was it.

Yeah. I mean that sounds like hard that hurt my [ __ ] mom up there like I'll tell you I'll tell you [ __ ] I'll tell you perfect formula for I'm going to have a heart attack on stage this has happened to me several times you'll be at mothership you'll be in the green room you look up and realize the guy on stage in the main room only has 30 seconds left and you go oh [ __ ] and you run all the way dude you get on stage I've done that I can't catch my breath on stage I Dude I'll do this on the stool. I'll lean like this. And I swear to God, the whole time I'm like, I think I might have a heart attack right now.

That is a [ __ ] labyrinth back there. Yeah. You got to go up and down five flights of steps. I I felt bad last night cuz we were all backstage and I like it when people are backstage like you were backstage and you had you probably had like four minutes. I'll say so. It was I was like I always go, bro. But I feel like a dick cuz I'm like, "Hey, D. Rosa, you're up next, right?" And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm going down." I'm like I feel like an [ __ ] Like I'm be like, "Dude, you better get down there." No, I get nervous. I do it I do it on shows I'm not even on. Be like, "Yo, that guy's [ __ ] Yeah, dude. I get nervous on other people's behalf."

You never know when someone's going to [ __ ] just go, "That's it." I know. It was Gi up. Gini Doug is he obviously luckily he's a big stage hug. Dug his heels in. Yeah. Yeah. You actually probably were like, "Oh, G's on. He's going to go long." I was No, I was real. I get nervous when it's like 8 minutes in. I see the clock and I'm going like, "Dude, it's a while to get down there." Do you ever go on stage there and you realize you forget the dude you're bringing on his last name? For sure. Yeah. And you're like, I forgot the headliners.

I feel like Joe Rogan [ __ ] Joe. His podcast is an experience. He's got an experience. The Heather McDonald clip [ __ ] me up. Do you ever see her go down? Yeah, I think about that. Yeah, I watch it. I go cuz I you know I've obviously laughed about it publicly. So it's like I'm like that's going to happen to me now. It's going to happen. Dude, there's there's a there's a trilogy. There's a perfect trilogy. Heather McDonald, Wendy Williams, and Gallagher. Oh, and you're forgetting the goat. Uh Pablo Francisco. He went down.

Did he collapse on stage? I just has that. That's a wild meltdown. Yeah. Yeah. That's a wild meltdown. That's the That's the number one for me. There's Well, well, we've had You've heard me say it a million times. You don't think I can get out of this? Oh okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, Oh no. You're in good You're in safe hands with all Get down. Get to the chopper. You don't think I can get out of this, folks. And he just broke. He just There's some of the videos it cuts and then it cuts them being cuts him being wheeled out of a stretcher. That's one. That's Dude, that's the one that made him easier.

Yeah, just in a stretcher gun. You don't think I can get out of this? Oh no. Oh no. He got locked in the bit. He got locked in the bit, dude. He's in like a K-hole with a bit. No. Yeah. Like he can't get out of this bit and he's going I can I I can fix but like wait hold on. Uh this is this is fun. He's at the hospital like it's not funny. Let it go. He's like no. It's funny. I can get to the end of the bit. Just let me finish the [ __ ] bit. Just keep interrupting. Top three. So that's that's meltdowns. That's a different category though. But that's right. That's the number one of meltdowns. Tube Tube might go to Schwarzen. Did you ever was awesome.

He's just like uh so uh All right. He's so he can't even like make sense and the lady just comes out and pulls him off stage. That's Dude, I that's in the background of my head the entire time. Like you're about to Here it comes. Dude, you're about to start rambling incoherently. Oh my god, that's so funny. I thought the Okame was going to have one. He when we did the Chicago theater. He went out with Santino during the day and they day drank. I went out I met him. I had like one beer and I was like we got Yeah. Chicago theater tonight.

Yeah. Yeah. I left. I They show up to They didn't They didn't leave. He never went back to the hotel. They went from the bar straight to the show. Okan man walks in the green room like I was like holy [ __ ] dude you're blacked out. And I was like fine dude get the [ __ ] out there. Go out there. Yeah, he killed. That's awesome. God damn. That's pretty impressive. That's awesome. Oh, dude. He's from a [ __ ] another dimension, man. He is. Conor Okconor should be in the next Mortal Kombat. He really does. He might be the drunken master.

That's insane. Wait, third, but wait, I got a number three best meltdown. Uh, the Lampanelli one is wild. Do you remember that one? No, it happened. where people are walking out and then people are helping her. People are going like she's yelling at somebody and then people are being like, "It's okay, Lace." And she's like, "Shut the [ __ ] up. I don't need any [ __ ] help from you." And she's like turning on the people supporting her and [ __ ] like it's a I'm not throwing any shade at any of these people. This could happen to any of us.

Yeah. Yeah. We're just It's just funny. Like I've I've I have I've been banned from clubs. I've freaked stage. Yeah. You're a psycho. Yeah. Yeah. You're a wild dog. Yeah. I got banned from the Laugh Factory in New York. Did you really? Yeah. Cuz I told the audience I said, "I hope you all get [ __ ] AIDS and die in a car accident on your way home tonight. You're a bunch of [ __ ] animals." I got banned. It's probably during like a decent set. Spazz at the end. They were It was so rowdy, dude. It was crazy how rowdy it was.

Yeah. And then I went back to the club like and I was like, "I don't understand why you won't book me anymore." And the booker was like, "Because you told the audience, I hope you get AIDS and die in a [ __ ] car." Do you think that's okay? Choking around. I was like, "Well, they weren't they were shitty. I don't know. What was I supposed to do?" Yeah. I've freak Have you guys ever freaked? I've I've lost my I've spazzed. I've never spaz. The only one Fort Wayne was I was just like, "All right, that's good. It's the end of the show."

I haven't done it in 15 years. Like, I learned my lesson. I did it. Bakersfield. That was a tough one. Spaz. They were They were wild. I spazz guy in Phoenix, Arizona. I like kind of just started traveling headlining and the weekend wasn't going well. Ticket sales weren't great. And then there was like in this the one of the rooms was a Copper Blues, but it was a they have like multiple ones, I think. There's one of those rooms where there was like, you know, like seating, but then they have booths to like the right of the stage.

Yeah. So, it was just a guy in a [ __ ] like leather jacket talking so [ __ ] loud. Wasn't the Tempe the What was it called? It's it's not the it's around there. It's copper blues. It's copper blues and they have something motable. But this guy was talking and it was just like, you know, I was like whatever. Like shut up. But then at one point Britney went up to him cuz she was there and was like he'd be quiet and he said something to her and I like just stopped mid joke and was like shut the [ __ ] up [ __ ] and like spazz. It was like a fight.

[ __ ] yeah. It was bad. And I was like anyway I was just [ __ ] around guy. Yeah. Pure pure redfaced spaz. had him come I was like eventually I think I had him come up on stage and he just called me gay without a microphone. I'm like it just backfired on me and I was like I was like get up here and he's like you're just a [ __ ] gay [ __ ] And I'm like damn nice jacket [ __ ] Get off the stage. This isn't working. Just go straight gay guy. Well your jacket is disgusting. [ __ ] you [ __ ] Told me he had an Uber. You have an Uber driver jacket, dude. Get the [ __ ] out of here. It was just They're always right.

He was getting louder though. He was winning the debate. I'm like get the [ __ ] out of here. He's like you're [ __ ] gay. That was I That was It wasn't really a spaz, but in that Tempe Improv, uh that was where that gremlin from high school got me. Oh, you remember that? This kid from high school showed up and he was like after the first show, he's sitting in the green room. He's like, I would give that like a C C minus. And I was just like, and then he spent an hour in between shows talking about how I sucked at football and his class was better and then stayed. It was crazy. I mean, other people were looking like, "Yeah what what the what the [ __ ] going on?

And then he uh stayed for the second show and I killed." And every time I had a good joke, I just looked directly at him just going, "Yeah." Yeah. See, you [ __ ] Every single joke for an hour. I was just every time I was going, "What do you think of that? What do you think of that, you [ __ ] cock?" He was like, "That nothing to him." He was like, "That was good." Oh, that was Now that was good. I love how people like that flip it. Now, that was good. See, go [ __ ] yourself. I'm like your coach. Yeah that's No, Spaz is always right around the corner. I've I've without question in recent years what I I I'm speaking way too uh uh liberally when I say I learned my lesson because I I'll still yell at an audience, but I figured out somehow to sometimes make it kind of funny to like beat them into get but like I I could easily see having a full having a full freak at any you know it's it's it's it won't take much dude. It

doesn't take much. It takes a couple annoying people. Let's start getting to your shows you know. Yeah. What's that? I'm going start hanging around the back of your shows. I mean, I just want to This guy [ __ ] sucks. The old the old Just want to be clear that I stand with Pablo Lisa. For sure. For sure. Yeah. I'm not I'm not I'm not making fun of you. Just funny to see though. I'm con I'm convinced it will happen. I'm like, it's I'm going to join the pantheon of dudes who freak out one day and just completely break and be like, I don't know why I do this.

I'm sorry, guys. Please refund everything. It's I'm fighting it the entire time I do anything. the uh But wait, you never saw Gallagher having the heart attack on stage? He had It's during the [ __ ] watermelon he walks over and picks up. This is so [ __ ] up to laugh at it, but it's [ __ ] hilarious. Yeah. No, he goes over to the water. He picks up the hammer and he goes, "Fuck." He goes down. Oh, he goes down. He goes down, he has a [ __ ] heart. A real one. Yeah dude. Oh, that's what I was saying. There was two categories. There's collapse on stage versus meltdown.

I mean, a prop. Yeah, cuz Heather McDonald's was pretty [ __ ] elite. Hers was crazy cuz she was like, I got all the vaccines just went down. What? Prop guy. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Prop guy going down. Oh, it's crazy. With a hammer, a mallet in her hand over his head. What the [ __ ] like the watermelon finally won. Dude, the watermelon is like like he's literally doing a thing that would give any human a heart attack again. He's doing it on stage and it's closer. Yeah, dude. Exactly. Time was finally like that's enough, dude.

Yeah, take it easy. But wait, did Heather McDonald ever explain what happened to her? I haven't seen the explanation. No, I'm sure she talked about it somewhere, but I never I've never saw it addressed at all. She just fainted. Yeah, but it was like she just happened to be talking about how boosted she was. That was the worst part. That just jinxed it. Yeah true. Wait, what was she talking about? She was She was bragging. Her last lines were like how many boosters and how many times she's gotten the vaccine. Then her last line's like, "So, yeah, Jesus loves me."

Yeah. And the worst part was the crowd thought it was a bit like timed perfectly. Yeah, it was [ __ ] up. Yeah, that's a great bit. That's true. But yeah, I think she really got hurt. She [ __ ] I think she hit her head, dude. She got [ __ ] up. Yeah, she had a skull fracture. God. Yeah, she got [ __ ] up. And it was just like these idiots who didn't get the vaccine. Haha. I've gotten all of them. Haha. God loves me. I've never even gotten. And just [ __ ] literally got killed. God was just like, "Yeah, yeah, enough of that." Holy [ __ ] Jesus Christ. Yeah, the Wendy Williams one happened on TV.

Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, by the way, which was sick. Wendy Williams rules. She does. I didn't know Wendy Williams ruled. I don't know. I don't know much about her. Watch clips. She's [ __ ] hilarious. She is funny. She used to do She used to do a show uh at Comics in in New York. Were you Were you around when Comics was there? Oh my god. PE my [ __ ] pants. Yeah, I'm going to pee my pants, too. We take a break. I can't move, dude. We'll see you later. Are we in an hour? Yeah. Oh, dude. Let's slide to the page. Cool.

I've been fighting it for like 10 minutes. I could have been pitch right there. We'll see. Yeah, true. There's a lot of standup talk. Okay, we'll see. All right.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)"?

Matt McCusker (Host), Shane Gillis (Host), Joe Derosa (Guest).

What is "Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)" about?

In this discussion, Joe Derosa shares his experience of immersing himself in a new intense video game, "Ready or Not," highlighting the psychological escape it provides from everyday stressors. He humorously relates his gaming experience to feelings of frustration and temporary oblivion regarding real-life challenges, all while exploring themes of competition and the darker elements of the…

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

12 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Joe Shane, Conor O'Conor, Mortal Kombat, Ready or Not, John Malkovich, Grand Theft Auto V. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)"?

The episode runs 1 h 10 min; the transcript is about 14,662 words in 121 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.