Transcript

Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 4 min · 14,455 words · 456 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published October 15, 2025 (1 h 4 min, about 14,455 words). It mentions 16 people, works and ideas, including Charlie Sheen, Prize Pick, Air Force One, Oklahoma Texas game, Helium Comedy Club.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Air Force One, Oklahoma Texas game
  2. – 20:00: Prize Pick
  3. – 40:00: Bricktown Comedy Club, Comedy on State, Funny Bone Comedy Club, Helium Comedy Club
  4. – 50:00: Charlie Sheen, Nicholas Cage

Notable quotes from "Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)"

  • And there was a there was a reporter this time on Air Force One was Do you think you're gonna get into heaven now? Tony was Nah, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven, but dang,.
    about Air Force One · at
  • Does affect me is when there's no flyover at the Oklahoma Texas game.
    about Oklahoma Texas game · at
  • Basketball picks. I love hoops. They're even better than my football picks because prize picks being right can get you paid. And it's great to see you've lost none of that…
    about Prize Pick · at
  • Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York. Added a 4:30 p.m.
    about Helium Comedy Club · at
  • Oh, December 4th and 5th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona, and Phoenix, Arizona.
    about Tucson · at
  • Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing?
    about Charlie Sheen · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Charlie Sheen — Person · 3 mentions · first at
  • Nicholas Cage — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Oh, it's really great. There's a part about Nicholas Cage where he goes to the front of a commercial play and he's Hey everybody, this is your pilot speaking and we're all going to die. Nicholas Cage.
  • Outdoor Tom — Person · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • Prize Pick — Company · 2 mentions · first at
  • Helium Comedy Club — Company · 1 mention · first at
  • Bricktown Comedy Club — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Saturday show. Please come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma.
  • Off the Hook Comedy Club — Company · 1 mention · first at
    10:24 10:25 Off the Hook Comedy Club Naples Florida 117 118 Comedy on State Madison Wisconsin I'll be there 11:14 and Funny Bone Comedy Club Syracuse 1219 and it was the that one Missouri room to get.
  • Comedy on State — Company · 1 mention · first at
    10:24 10:25 Off the Hook Comedy Club Naples Florida 117 118 Comedy on State Madison Wisconsin I'll be there 11:14 and Funny Bone Comedy Club Syracuse 1219 and it was the that one Missouri room to get that was that one.
  • Funny Bone Comedy Club — Company · 1 mention · first at
    117 118 Comedy on State Madison Wisconsin I'll be there 11:14 and Funny Bone Comedy Club Syracuse 1219 and it was the that one Missouri room to get that was that one.
  • Resorts World — Company · 1 mention · first at
    It was a good room. That's a out of biz bro. October 17th and 18th. This weekend I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas. 17th and 18th Las Vegas. November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento.
  • Optimum Noctis — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Hello. I'll be at in Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet. Please come to that if you can. And Optimum Noctis is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the creek in the cave. So, please come. Tickets are at.
  • ACL — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. Maybe I'm allergic to alteraria. Alia outbreak. [ __ ] [ __ ] All right. Hey.

Whoa. [ __ ] altenaria. I hope. I don't even know what that is. Do you know dust mites? When you're allergic to dust mites, you're actually allergic to their poop.

That's what gets you their poop. Never would have even considered their poop. Not me either. I actually have a dustmite allergy and it's the [ __ ] I was breathing in their poop that was getting me. I didn't know bugs pooped.

Yeah, they [ __ ] poop. Yeah, everything. Everybody poops, bro. They do eat. Yeah.

Yeah. If you eat, you poop. Now, what were you saying about Trump? Old liberal ass [ __ ]

I'm trying to be peaceful. He brought peace to the Middle East, dude. You got to you got to give the man his props.

He's hot dogging, dude. Hot dog right now. Seen him at all? Uhuh. I've I've I've been saw the articles. I haven't seen his talks.

He's a hot dog. I saw him call that lady beautiful. That was his part of it. I mean, he's hot, dude. He's like, "Yo, what's up? We got bad [ __ ] behind me if you don't mind me saying you're a bad bitch." Anyway, suck my dick, everybody. I knew I could do it.

And every other world leader is like, "Fuck it." Yeah, he did it. He did it. I mean, I I always said before, that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires into being like, "Dude, if you like, you know who's the best? If you really truly give away like a billion bucks, you're the man." They're like, "I I'll [ __ ] do that."

Yeah. Trump being like, "You won't bring peace to the Middle East, you pussy." He's like, "Watch me, bitch."

For real. It's kind of nice. He's Yeah, he's also I mean, he's putting out great clips this week.

Is he? I mean, yeah, it's he's feeling good. Everybody's kind The media is kind of on it like

they're like, "We got to give you credit for this." And he's like, "Yeah, that's what the [ __ ] I thought." But there's one they were like, "Uh,

cuz he had mentioned before about if he can do this, he he might be able to get into heaven." Did you hear that one?

And there was a there was a reporter this time on Air Force One was like, "Do you think you're gonna get into heaven now?" Tony was like, "Nah, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven, but

dang, it's just a beast." Damn, that's so funny. He's like, I I don't think I'm ever going to get into heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can. It was like, Don, you have no idea how Christlike that actually was.

Yeah, true. That's the actual message, brother. True. You accidentally stumbled upon the real message.

Damn. How many port people have Christ deported? What? How many people has Christ deported?

Uh, a bunch of Jews at the temple. when he was mad. Yeah, that one time pered a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. You can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds. I gave him his flowers. I've been giving him his flowers all week. But it's it's all right. Bring the government back.

How do you think about how do you feel about the National Guard? Didn't the Dems didn't the Dems shut it down?

No. The Dem the Dems can't shut it down. What do you mean? They don't have enough power to shut down the government. Yeah.

It's a pub shut down. Is it a pub shut down? the public they still control all the seats.

It shuts down constantly and everyone's like the government shut down and nobody cares. It's like cuz it shut down 50 [ __ ] times and it never affect [ __ ] cuz I don't work for the government.

If I work for the government I'd be like [ __ ] my job's closed right now. I don't work for the government.

So when it shuts down I'm like what am I not going to get parking tickets? Good.

I don't care if the government shuts down. Sorry. I'll tell you when when it does affect me is uh when there's no flyover at the

Oklahoma Texas game. Okay, that's [ __ ] [ __ ] And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game.

That's [ __ ] [ __ ] And then I think F-35s. I was excited about that. They for real canceled it cuz the government shut down.

Government shutdown. No flyovers. I think somebody said that. Trump yourself. [ __ ] Middle East, dude. Give me some flyovers. Could we have flown one plane to the Middle East and over the stadium?

Can you see if I'm right about the government shut down the government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers?

Nate was so hyped for that, too. They was waiting for it. Yeah, there's nothing better.

I'm sorry for real. I'm really sorry. That's [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Yeah. Jinx. Government shutdown takes away flyovers.

It can't. We can't have this. Yes, it can affect um military flyovers at sporting events.

Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown? I looked that up, too. This says it was uh they basically blame both parties on this one, but it goes back and forth.

If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the left. You can't blame the Dems. They don't have like enough

Well, they motioned for something in Congress and then that led to a shutdown and the Republics did the same thing. So, it's kind of like,

you know, we're conveniently forgetting about the list. He brought peace to the Middle East and we forget about the damn list.

Yeah. I mean, dude, it's still bad. Although, it's good. He's brought peace to the Middle East. I'll be It's withstanding, you know.

Yeah. The scales of justice are tipping in his side. A little 67 there. That's how old the kids were.

Yeah. At what point do you say like, "Fuck, man. All right. Well, never. We'll erase you off there.

I'll let you erase yourself off there. Still need the list, but shout out shout out to peace in the Middle East for now.

Shout out to peace. Yeah. Bill Clinton came out and was like, "Nice nice work."

And Trump was like, "Dude, Bill's the man." So sick. Not a good thing to say during the [ __ ] list.

I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore, dude. Yeah. the uh it I I know a lot of like the people I don't I don't even know what it's called his DOJ or the DOJ have been getting pressed cuz didn't they're like alleging that someone the Trump administration basically was like let me know if my name comes up in that thing and they'll ask them point blank and they'll be like I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys

Mattel you guys can play games all day what about the [ __ ] crime in the cities of Democrat mayors how about that

honestly it's talking to my dad. Just answer the question. Go home. He go, "Dad, Trump's a [ __ ] pervert." He goes, "Yeah, all right. Well, why don't you go hang out in Chicago? Tell me how that goes. [ __ ] Democrat bullshit." All right.

My brother's been calling my parents dams. It's been pissing them off. Yeah. Does Jose have a cleaning lady from Ecuador?

They had a cleaning lady. Oh, man. He goes, "Dude, how about you get some [ __ ] Americans in here? You guys they're like busting his balls about shit." He goes, "You guys are [ __ ] Dems, man. Classy. Oh, you think you think I'm a [ __ ] damn? My dad gets so mad.

Damn, it is insulting, dude. It kills him, dude. I've That a kid at Florida State said I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago and it's stuck with me.

Yeah, it's been four years. I was trying to parallel. Yeah, it was a killer insult. He was on a balcony, bro.

What? He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony and he yelled down at us.

I got I got demned by a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better, but I was trying to parallel park and it wasn't fast enough for him. He's like, "Drive like a [ __ ] Democrat." and zoomed off and I was like

I gota be honest to truck a working collar or blue collar man that hurts. Yeah, it hurt me man.

I had like a just a [ __ ] fracking. That's what I'm saying. That's You could take that.

Although that kind of hurts even more. Yeah, that hurts more, too. Then you're like, I'm a tow truck driver. I was like, you got me, bro.

You're lucky I don't come up there and beat your ass. Yeah, I'm not I don't I'm like terri. Do you ever like go get your car back from one of those places? Yeah.

It's all just tinted out glass junkyard by the [ __ ] Yeah, there's just guys on meth [ __ ] fighting over junk cars. I'm like, "You guys, whatever you say." Yes. Yes, sir. College kid, you would kick it around being like, "I should have [ __ ] punched him in his [ __ ]

Yeah, but he was he was at a party up on a balcony." Ah, it's like, "Dude, what do you want me like? I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys."

Throwing some You should have thrown something. Throwing something after you would have missed.

Would have been short. He would have been like classic Biden voter. Would have been short.

Forget it. That would have been brutal, dude. Way worse. Just having a beer bottle fall down back towards you like [ __ ]

20 ft in the air max like Kirk Ring from the Phillies trying to get it home. Girl throw for no reason.

It's an MLB pitcher. Why did it look like a girl throw? Damn, dude. That was a tough uh Philly week.

Yeah. Yeah, that sucked. Yeah, there that Longhorn Sooner game was very fun. Hook them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys are Longhorn fans now. Yeah, shout out. You got to pick a college team eventually.

Yeah, I think I can't go two. I can't go Bama and Longhorn. Can't go Bama. Bama was fun.

Such a [ __ ] Are they both in the SEC though? Yeah, you got to pick one. Same division.

You guys hate me, dude. Bama's a crazy pick. My real friends pick Notre Dame. How' they do this week, by the way?

They're still rolling, bro. They won. This is a big one this week though. USC the Trojans.

The Trojans are coming to town. I don't like the Irish guy. What the alltime classic logo. Everybody likes the logo.

I'll be honest. That might that makes it a little tough for me too. The fighting Irish. Go. I got to say go Irish all the time.

So you picked the two most racist schools. Notre Dame beat up the clan and marched with Dr. Dr. King. Come on, man.

Side by side, arms locked with Dr. King. Yeah, but do they have Bivo? You guys got a Bivo?

No, we did have a a little tiny dog named Clashmore Mike who used to rock. That would be awesome.

Clashmore Mike. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I bring back Clash More Mike. Bring him back.

I don't know how there's still so much to learn about Notre Dame. I thought I knew all the stuff. I didn't know they had a tiny dog named Clashmore.

It's like as old as the country. Really? I mean, 100 years later, but Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. True.

It's [ __ ] from the 1800s. Dang. Yeah, there's a lot of history. Damn. So, football there was they were pre-existed football. They were there before football.

That's crazy. Yeah. What the hell? What the hell? This episode is brought to you by prize picks. I love being right. Most of the time I am, which is great for me, especially when it comes to my basketball picks. You know, I love hoops. They're even better than my football picks because prize picks being right can get you paid. And it's great to see you've lost none of that modesty we all love you for. Huh. But it's good you're so confident in your picks because Prize Picks is the only app that offers stacks. Meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup. Want to pick more on Steph Curry's points, three-pointers, and assists?

Oh yeah. Now you can pick all of them in the same lineup only on prize pick. That's [ __ ] crazy.

Yeah, man. And now you can follow other Prize Pix players directly on the app and copy their lineups in one click. Whether it's a friend, a celebrity partner, or just someone whose picks you like, hit the follow button, and check out every lineup they create in the new feed tab. Well, it's good to know people can follow me and my picks. Next week for the regular season tip off, I'm thinking we have to take the Steph Curry max discount. Steph Curry only needs one point for this to win. Everyone needs to get on it. Steph Curry max discount.

Great shouts there, King. Oh my god. Oh man, that's crazy. Download the Prize Pix app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Price. Price fix. It's good to be right. It's good to be right. But uh Alabama, that's a crazy pick, bro.

He picked Yeah. And they were the best in the world at the time. Well, that's the the real reason why I don't want to do it. The only reason I picked them, I I don't follow college at all, but we went to two B games and they were

I mean, it was hype as hell. It was a good time. That That makes sense. But yes, uh not yesterday, Saturday was just as good though. Like I can't I can't

I was trying very hard not to pick a side, but that punt return and then they were like, "Fire the cannon." I got to fire the cannon after the Yeah.

Who let you fire the cannon? The all of them. What? Every single Yeah. Fired it for the game.

Fire it for the touchdown. And then Governor Abbott came over. Me and the governor. Like,

what was the gov up to? The gov was chilling, dude. That's what's up. I don't know any of his policies other than I said, "Give me back my porn, you little

No, he you know what he did that was kind of noble. They tried to nyx the uh like THC farm bill thing and he came up to him and he was like, "No,

dude. his security had to pull me off of him. I grabbed him by his scruff. I said, "You better give me back my [ __ ] board.

Give me my board." And they pulled me out. Just give me one site. Like six guys were pulling me. I said, "Get the [ __ ] off, man. Give me the hub. Give me back my hub. I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest [ __ ] I've ever seen. I'm so sick of it, dude.

I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse. They're making it It's made it so much worse.

What? going having to go to X videos or whatever the other. You got to find the shadyiest.

Yeah, you're in the speak easy now. Like outlong prohibition. Like outlong abortion tbh.

You have a wire hanger. Now I'm in a [ __ ] alley now. Now I'm dealing with shady customers.

You're not a hotel. I'm not lying, dude. I think they toss CP in the thumbnails sometimes.

What? I swear. Yesesh. I You fly past it. I think there's I do think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit cuz

I they skirt the edge. I don't think I saw it on the hub. Dude, they skirt the edge.

I was searching. I I remember I was off for a while and then like months ago I like it was like the I don't know but I went on the hub and it was like they were hitting me with like the youngest and I was like bro this is like so [ __ ] close.

Young babes. Yeah, dude. But like you're talking barely legal. That's a genre. Yeah, but it was like it was the main feed and it was kind of I was like dude this looks like

maybe I'm just getting older but I'm like dang hub what the hell you doing? I don't like how white Pornhub is. Their top videos are always white ladies.

That's cuz it's a lot of white people. There finally some common ground, dude. I had the same complaint.

I'm being honest, man. I'll be honest. It is all white ladies, but a lot of black fellas are sneaking in there. True, true. A little over represented. You know,

there's every time there's a porn with one white lady, there's like four black guys. I don't understand. I don't understand. Why does she need a yard of dick?

It's not every time. That's your algo, bro. Huh? That's just your algo. She's lost. You got You got into Lost in the Hood.

Yeah. Lost in the hood. My daddy dropped me off in the wrong neighborhood. Oh yeah. Yep.

I saw a video recently of a guy talking about it. It was just like an unk in a car getting filmed just talking about like the rules for partying on a chick which is you know it's running the train. Dude, it was it was like never mention another man's hook no matter what. Don't even look at another man's hook.

Kong's hooks. Nice. It's really nice. One time my friend someone or he said he's uh he was they were partying on a babe and he said his friend grabbed her head cuz the friend was hitting from behind. He was getting head and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for it and he goes, "What the hell?" He's like, "I got to get the hell up out of there." That was the weirdest [ __ ] in the world.

So it was like kind of like he was doing it, right? It was so And he the guy was like, "What about that one time?" He goes, "I told you that in confidence. I don't want to talk about what happened. The friend pushed in the back of the head."

Yeah. There's rules for partying on a [ __ ] Yeah, but I love the term partying on a [ __ ]

Partying on a [ __ ] is crazy. As a big 36 Mafia fan, it's almost every single song.

Every single it the whole the the the chorus can be the most uplifting. Like, yeah,

you got to change your life, get your money right, you can do anything. And then goes straight into a verse of like me and my boys partied on a bench. Just two in the front, three in the back, everybody [ __ ] on a [ __ ] Like, all right.

Changes the whole song. I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things. Don't knock it until you try it. Could be the ultimate bonding experience.

That's how me and my boys all We got all of our Yeah. We always parted on [ __ ] at the beginning.

Yeah. Hand jobs, fingering, both partied on a [ __ ] It's kind of nice. Just But like third base partying.

Yeah, that's kind of nice. Third base partying is actually very true. Never sexual Never a sexual intercourse party.

You didn't You didn't bust out your hooks. No, nobody's Well, I mean, technically the hooks were out for the for the HJs, but it was dark.

The HJs dark. Did you grab a wrist and just We partied. Yeah, I helped my boy out.

Told you I didn't want to talk about this. Dude, I uh speaking of powerful black men, I saw T pay at uh ACL.

I saw uh some videos of his dancing. It looked very nice, dude. He is an absolute master of the craft. He came out. First of all, I got I I was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there and then, you know, I was like sending feelers out. Everyone's like, "Man, I'm good on that." So, I was like, "I'll take like a micro like a little bit, like a little micro dose." But then I piged on edibles. Dude, I forgot when you combine those things, they it [ __ ] warps you.

I was going through security and I was it like hit me in the Uber and I was just sitting there just like,

"Oh, no." People everyone was talking to me and they're like, "Yeah, this one." And I was I couldn't like make I could get like three words at a time and I kept being like, "Uhuh. Uhuh." And I was keeping it cool cuz I ate them before everybody else.

I've seen you high as [ __ ] You do keep it cool. I kept it cool. I kept it I was on [ __ ] hell, brother.

The worst is over. We're fine now. You've been in the Uber for 3 minutes. I I for real kept it ice, man. I was sitting there.

You have to If no one else was No one was high. I thought they were hitting the wine, though.

No, there was some wine. There was also I got back and like I was I had the edibles so I ate them first. So then I gave them out later and I also was on the micro dose from earlier so it like they hit me fast and then uh and I had like I was drinking like a weed drink and I'm in the car. I'm just kind of like oh [ __ ] this is actually this might be a problem and then we had to go through that line and my [ __ ] wristband didn't work. So I had to get like

go to another place. I was just being carted from point to point. We had to park. We had to walk get out of that line. I'm like just going to checkpoint to checkpoint all confused and like everything I It wasn't like cool either. Like I didn't have any like cool fun thoughts. I was like a dog being high. I was just like, "Ah, [ __ ] That's weird." And just looking around and then my wristband got fixed and then I forgot. I was like in line to get in. They're like, "Oh, you have the rest of the edibles for there." We had people in there

and I was like, "Do great." Like I I didn't want I was going to know I ate all the edibles.

Well, they had I did have them in my pocket, so I just smuggled them in, which isn't a big deal. Yeah. But I was so high that I was like, "All right, dude. Be cool about this." And I like go through and I get stuff out of my pockets and I have like a plastic bag in my back pocket. And the lady's like, "Is everything out of your pockets?" And I was like, "Uh, yes. I believe so." And I smacked my pockets down as like a symbol. Literally, you hear a plastic bag squish. And I was like, "Oh, shoot." And I like my I had electrolytes for some reason. They fell. And I was like, "That's what I was looking for." And I put them in just walked through like it was like I was smuggling in like a pound of heroin.

Yeah. [ __ ] three couple tiny little gummies. Then I got in there and all I had I had a mule just two chairs the whole time.

So I just it was the only thing that kept me alive just had these two chairs and just walking through just a a mass of people. Finally, dude, they were rocking chairs, folding rocking chairs,

dude. Once I hit that chair, T pay came on. I just got to watch Tay in a rocking chair just completely incapacitated.

I'd be He brought me to life. That guy brought me back to life. such a whiny [ __ ] if I had to do all that.

Oh, I would. It was I'd be fur. I'd be like, I'm never doing this again. There's 10 million people here. It's 100°.

It was nice. I saw a video of it and I saw the crowd and I was like, I I will never

never during the day. We took the kids during the day. That was [ __ ] hot. But we they have like it's called the Austin Kitty Limits and they had a giant drum circle for the kids. Dude, I got to I sat in on the drum circle. I might I might try to start those things off, dude. It was the best

drum circle. Drum circles are the best, dude. I swear to God. Oh, they are, dude. The guys like guys that are good, then you just get to do a little bit and then you start to kind of show off a little bit. When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy. It's I swear to God, it's the best. I was trying. My kids kept being like, we don't want to do this. I was like, get over here now. And I was sitting there like, come on, man. Don't make me don't leave in the kid drum circle.

It was chill drum circles. You were hitting some solos. No, no, no. I wasn't picking out. I was just trying to like just keep going. I'd give a little flare every now and again, but there was guys that were like genu like real percussion.

Give a little flare. Wink at one of the kids be like, "You like that shit?" Literally my kid.

Where's your little [ __ ] ass dad? Can't drum like this. Not a big deal. But no, T pays for real master, bro.

Yeah, he is. He dude, he put in like it's like a real production. The whole thing. There's dance, he talks, he [ __ ] he jokes, he he does

he is funny. Yeah, he's very funny. He's a kind of And I say this respectfully, he's a [ __ ] nerd. He's a giant nerd at heart. And I could tell.

Did he do War Pigs? I was hoping he did. He did [ __ ] Journey. Oh, nice. He talked for a while, too. He had some jokes in there. Yeah. He humps, dude. He humps the air like crazy,

bro. He [ __ ] He daggers up there. Yeah. And he has like It's like timed perfectly where the music's like boom boom boom. He's just air humping as hard as he can. Complains about being out of breath the whole time. It's really funny.

Yeah. He was in a leather suit. I saw that. He must have been [ __ ] dying. That was amazing. We went there and then caught that one killer song and then left.

Killers lead out with their biggest hit which is wild. Start with the manage. Yeah, that that got the place [ __ ] bumping.

Damn, dude. But no, those chairs, man. Britney kept trying to take one from me and I'm like, don't touch them. I was like, I need equal weights. Get off me. All right.

I need that was like my one I need a job. When I get that high, I need like a task otherwise I [ __ ] freak out.

You just changed my life, though. I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs,

bro. They It was That's like good [ __ ] right there. Well, was funny. Everyone were with nobody really brought chairs. So, I was like just sit. Everyone was standing. I was just at everyone's like butt level just like

so [ __ ] good, dude. I didn't realize how good he was. That was literally all I did.

This is like a genuine performance. Yeah, this is a real He really thought this out. I like this.

And then it finally broke. I remember I saw my uh phone. It was 6 p.m. I went, "All right. Um, this is if this gets any worse, I'm [ __ ] But I have two hours. I just got to grin down. I got to bear down." I learned that Chicago's thing this weekend. Bear down.

Oh, nice. Yeah, I just learned that. It's pretty sick. But the uh you had to bear down big time in the rocking chair and it was

that losing in the fourth. Hm. Bearing down. No, they won. [ __ ] They're doing all right.

[ __ ] That was a good joke though. I heard that. That was good. Dang it. No, it was good. They got the win.

Yeah, that's uh that's a wonderful experience. It was, man. It was I was supposed to go. I was I a couple guys I know, the Benz, they were playing at 5:30 on Sunday.

Oh, I just miss I must have just missed them. Yeah, Saturday was a disaster. Yeah,

we got in the car. We had to leave at 7:30 to get out there. 9:59. Nate Marshall says, "Let's have a beer." Say, "Fellas, this is gonna be a long one."

9:59 perfect time. Yeah, it was perfect timing. It was that set us up for 14 hours of drinking.

Was there any huers involved to keep the thing going? That was on the way back. I was at the Sprinter van on the way home. We were all going, I'm a little sleepy. Can I mean there's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours. Amphetamines.

We hit the Bucks, too. The huggers. The bezers. Dude, the beaser article you sent me. Favorite thing I've ever seen.

It was great. Who is the beaser? Who is the bees? There's some like uh AI article about Kyla. They're like, "Who is Kyla Fox married?"

It's like she's rumored to be dating a man named the Beaser, whoever that is. Who is the Beaser? This mysterious man.

Oh my god. But no, the game the game was [ __ ] sick. I had a nice moment. We uh we were down on the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees, so it was like,

man, we got to get into that get into that suite. Thank god we had a suite because it was hot as [ __ ] out there. Uh get in there. I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield.

Really? Legendary Oklahoma quarterback. So I say he must be him. Even didn't even think, oh, he's got a game tomorrow.

What? I said, "He had a game Sunday. Obviously, it's not him." So, I walk over I walk over to this dude and while I'm walking, I'm like, "Obviously, that's not Baker. Maybe I can see him now." So, I just walk over to this group of people. I'm like, "Hey, how are you? Just want to say hi. We're in the suite together. Just want to have a good day." Huh? How about that? Just walked just walked away like, "Damn, that guy's nice."

Do you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize you, but they're not?

Yeah. That's happened to me before. It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something. I have headphones in. I'll be like, "Hey, how are you?" And they're like, "Hey, what the fuck?" And I'm like, "Oh [ __ ] my bad. Sorry about that."

Yeah. I thought you were my friend from the internet, but you're not. Sorry. My bad.

Eye contact with people walking on the street and you're like, "Yep." Yeah, it's me.

The [ __ ] are you? The [ __ ] are you, dude? [ __ ] [ __ ] guy that walks around my neighborhood. Yeah, dude. It's me. Get over it.

No autographs. What do you want a picture or something? Come here. It's like an old Indian couple like Yeah. Yeah. Get it in. All right.

Yeah, that happens. Have to be bad. I like got like almost startled too cuz I was like I had headphones in. I heard someone say hello like right next to me and I was like, "Hey, how are you doing?" And the guy was like, "What the fuck?" And I was like, "Oh shit."

The worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I kind of like that. It's like, "Hey, what's going on, man? How are you?" You're like, "What's going on with you, dude? I haven't seen you in forever." Like, he's just pure politeness. I'm like, "Dude, how's everything going?"

Well, I I kind of I was in line. I think this was like last year. I was getting uh just at like an outdoor like brewery place and I met someone in line. We had a long line and but the nice thing was we were able to talk like we were on the same page. Like he started asking me question. We like just jumped into immediate conversation which was kind of nice.

Yeah. Kind of killed the line time. Yeah. But it's funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast like, "Yo, how's this? How's that? How's this?" I'm like, "Oh, dude." Yeah.

I just assume it's somebody I met. Yeah. I'm just like, "This guy probably does comedy or I probably met him." She's like, "So, how is everything? What's going on, man? I haven't seen you in so long. I'm so [ __ ] sad."

Yeah. Yeah. I'm all right. Your parents are alive. Good, man. La Mer, I've been worried about that.

What? Their parents stuff? Yeah, dude. Dude, every time I go home, they're like older.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. It's tough, man. If hit exit velocity. Yeah. The speed is only increasing, dude. They're launching.

It's got to be crazy, too, for like cuz I feel like black people don't age as fast. Once they start, it's like,

dang. Yeah. Once they start, it's a race. That [ __ ] happens. Happens so fast.

Phil's not helping himself. Yeah, he's uh hopefully they don't watch this. They They're trying to surprise me. They're going to Vegas this weekend.

Ooh. The [ __ ] is he doing going to Vegas? Partying down. I know. Like he's trying to surprise me. He still thinks I don't know.

Oh, really? But my manager blew it. She was like, "And you want a extra room for Phil?"

I was like, "Sure." I don't I didn't I don't think he's coming, but Phil needs to chill.

Yeah, he's [ __ ] Vegas. Yeah, he's got to get I know how he gets down, too. That's 4 a.m. gambling.

Oh, no. I forgot he's got the bug. He's got the bug. He's got both bugs. Booze and gambling. He's got the best bugs. No offense to anybody struggling with it.

Yeah. Getting drunk. No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly. I get I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting break.

He doesn't gamble recklessly at all. Yeah. Yeah, he's good. He could ruin your life or change your life.

True. And he's good at drinking. Yeah. Like he's got it down. like&m when we went to the not the Notre Dame Texas&M game, he was the one that was he was fine.

Yeah. I was like, "Dad, it's late. We have to go home." He was like, "Come on, let me have a beer. Shut up."

What would he have said about that 9:00 a.m. twist off? He would have been right there.

Okay. He would have been But he's able to somehow pace himself. Yeah, he would have paced.

Gotcha. I have a hard I can't pace. I have a hard time pacing all day. I'm like

I just The problem with pacing all day is you start getting sleepy. Yeah. And you can either turn on the Jets or call it a day. True.

And you know me, dude. I if I do a if I do a long day drink, I lean on the weed real hard in the NS.

I just get really if I'm getting like See, does anyone have any NS? Just a little bit of NS.

I do the opposite. I think I I try to eat edibles if I'm getting drunk during the day. I end it with like cuz I get real brave with the edibles when I'm drunk and then I just end up on absolute Pluto and it's, you know,

it's a good way to leave though. Yeah. You go, I'm I can't be here anymore. Yeah. It's how you end up with a I'll kind of like rock it out when I'm that drunk. It it just becomes I feel like I'm in a video game at that point.

It's how I ended up kind of heckling a Boston cemetery tour. Just stand outside like, "Yo, let us in. [ __ ] [ __ ] bullshit."

Yeah. Me and my cousin heckled the Paul River tour in Boston. It was pretty fun. Yeah. Like we just got to stand outside. This is [ __ ] guys. And everyone's like, "What the [ __ ] are you?"

All right, guys. You're here for my podcast. Sorry about that. Yeah, you guys probably know me. Sold out last laugh laugh Boston last year. I don't know if you guys recognize me.

You guys might recognize me from Laugh Boston. Yeah, I featured for Soda here about four years ago. You guys probably remember that. [ __ ] killed.

I missed the bus. Oh yeah, the bus. You may miss I knew I knew somebody in the group wasn't going to make it. The odds on favorite did miss the bus at the

7:30 a.m. What bus did you have to take? We took a Sprinter van. Oh, to and from the game,

dude. Well, cuz the night before he was just chasing it down with his lunch boxes.

Wait, the night before I I I went to the creek and I had a I had a hoot, you know.

It's a huge mistake. 7:30 a.m. It was 2:00 in the morning and I was like, I'm going to stay up. And then an hour later, I was like, I'm going to sleep. And then

I had a bunch of no sleep. I I was going to go no sleep. Have you ever done that?

No, I I was trying to make up the ultimate 72-hour buzz, you know. I was trying to figure it out, but it didn't work.

No, you're missing crack cocaine. This is what you need. You can't just not sleep.

What are you talking about? Never mind. Usually the idea for the allnighter comes from the NAS.

True. I wasn't on the N. I can make this draw. Mayor's going to light his hair on fire on stage, dude. At the great

prior. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? You know when he did that, he was doing it with rum and like cotton cuz he didn't want butane in his crack.

Wait, what? He would dip like cotton in some really high proof rum and then he would light that and then he would light the crack pipe.

Whoa. And then he was like high and he was like what the hell? Like why am I even doing this? And he started pouring the rum on himself. He lit one more pipe and then

he went up in flames. Damn. He like kind of self emilated. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, Richard Prior is crazy as [ __ ]

Yeah. I think it was I think it was kind of an attempt. Whoa. Yeah. Dang. Yeah. I don't think you accidentally

catch full body on fire. Michael Yeah. Oh, he got his full bod. Yeah, he was like running down the Wasn't he sprinting down the street?

Yeah, he was running down the street. Luckily, that rum burns off fast. Yeah. I mean, I don't know about skin though.

I mean, it's hot. Yeah. Well, they do like a cool drink at a bar. It's like, you know, does have the staying power, but that still must have sucked.

Yeah. That's the dumbest [ __ ] ever. You trying to burn yourself? No. Well, of course that. But the drinks, the fire drinks,

I can't stand them every time. Who's doing it? When I see them from afar, they do look cool. When I was in I was in Brazil,

so many videos of people just going flamethrowing the guy next to them. Dude, when I was in Brazil, they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass. It was kind of sick.

Did it work? I don't really I was [ __ ] [ __ ] face, but I remember I remember just being like, "What the fuck?"

So, I'll have to try that again and report back. I'd imagine it I think it tastes pretty bad.

Yeah. Do you know what I just uh speaking of [ __ ] smoking, you know what I came across recently?

What? Vapes for cigarettes. Huh? You stick a cigarette in a vape and then you smoke the sig through a vape. It's [ __ ] crazy.

No, I think you can just rip anything through there. I I probably know cuz I guess so you don't get like the nicotine juice. So it like it really tastes like a sig. It's just burning at a lower temperature so you're not getting all the impurities. So they do they do it with weed. They burn they find out what temperature nicotine burns off. So that way you burn it off at just that temperature. So

wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually if you finish the cigarette? I don't think so.

Where would it all go? Cuz like if you like they do it for weed. So like you like THC burns off at whatever it is like 250° or 300°. So the THC burns but the plant material doesn't burn and a lot of the impurities are in the plant material itself, not the nicotine. So you burn off of the I don't know whatever. I got you.

[ __ ] was crazy. I smoked I smoked on it. Really? Yeah. I tried it. Tried. I was like, I'm kind of curious, but it's it's [ __ ] weird man.

Is it Is it at ACL? Yeah. So, somebody passed that gun just a healthy cigarette.

I hope you're enjoying your Michelob Ultra. I didn't want anything. I didn't want anything to do with it.

We're 45 watching T pay. They're like, just try. We're going to smoke one cigarette as a group.

Well, dude, I was like, I don't really want this. And then they were like, just try it. And I was like, man, true. I should try it and I took it one drag of it and I'm like that is like a slightly less you know harsh cigarette. Still is a sig. It doesn't taste great at all.

So Sean, if you want to get healthy, a cigarette vape is sick. No thank you. You know you get a ton of [ __ ] vaping a cigarette.

You know one of the cooler things you can do? What if you made it gay as [ __ ] slide it out of your leather jacket. Have you seen them?

They're They're really big in Europe. In Italy, I saw a bunch of them, but they're like tiny little nubs and you put them in a machine and you like kind of hit it like that. I wonder if it's the same.

That's exactly what it was. You slide the sig right in. So, those are like different sigs though because I tried to smoke one of those sigs without just like lighting it and it was really, really, really bad.

Really? Yeah. I don't know. There were some Brits. There were some Brits who put me onto it. So,

it's like a Europe thing. But maybe what do you got to do? Like a slim or like a straight up vape sig? Oh, maybe you got to roll your own.

No, it's like special like a like a jewel pod almost, but they're like little They look like cigarette butts.

Gotcha. That have a little tobacco in them. I could have sworn this was a full cigarette bro.

Could be. I could be wrong. I don't know. Yeah, maybe the technology has increased.

That innovation. So, yeah, just look out for that. It's something to look forward to.

Yeah, on the lookout for that. I'll be You're going to Everyone's going to cross a vape cigarette. It's coming for you. Certainly.

You're going to go, "I'm good." Try it. You go, "Fuck, what the hell?" Yeah. Try it out and go, "Yeah, okay. Well, that's great."

Just go straight back to sigs. Yeah. I should probably start smoking sigs. Yeah. My brother Tom's fighting the sig demon right now.

I smoke sigs. Gay. That's my problem. What do you mean? My hand. I don't know how to

It's very like I'm not good at it. You smoke them like an old barfly? Yeah. I just Let me tell you something, honey. I just smoke a sig in the that movie I just did and the guy was like, "Don't hold it like that. Hold it like this." Like, "It's a lot cooler." You

Yeah. Yeah. This is you if you hold it like this. I go, "This is how I do it." Yeah. Like a [ __ ] diplomat. You smoke cigarettes like a diplomat.

You're mad making decisions. I think you're right about this. Is for sigs. This is for joints.

Only a tryhard smokes a How do you smoke cigardini? Yeah, that's a real cigarette smoker. You're right. You should have told that director to shut the [ __ ] up.

He would have sent it back though. I'll smoking whatever the [ __ ] I want. Yeah. No, that's kind of how it was on set. People were going nuts.

Crazy. Hey, you [ __ ] Shut the [ __ ] up. I'd be That would make me so nervous. I'm already so nervous

on any film thing. If screaming, I'd be like, I'm going home. I'm not doing this.

I can't deal with people screaming right now. Supposed to be a really cool scene.

You're not my dad. It was very It was very hot out. Oh, it was it was a It was going to be really I hope it comes out nice. It

was too hot. So, we were just standing outside. How many times you have to film me in

the cage, man? Real together. Yeah, it was pretty sick. That's huge. But I was supposed to be smoking sigs and I was

Yeah. Cooler. He's like, "Cooler. Do it again. Cooler this time. Cooler, cooler." And then you just keep having to smoke a new one cuz it was, you know, every take.

Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York. Added a 4:30 p.m. Saturday show. Please come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma. 10:24 10:25 Off the Hook Comedy Club Naples Florida 117 118 Comedy on State Madison Wisconsin uh I'll be there 11:14 and Funny Bone Comedy Club Syracuse 1219 and it was the that one Missouri room to get that was that one.

It was a good room. That's a out of biz bro. Uh October 17th and 18th. This weekend I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas. 17th and 18th Las Vegas. November 7th, uh, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento. What do you think of that, Lamar? I'll be where the Kings play, I think. Oh, December 4th and 5th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona, and Phoenix, Arizona.

Hello. Get in front of the camera. You got You got to hit the camera. You got to get directly in front. Got to make sure the wires are Oh, shoot.

Jesus Christ. Oh, shoot. There you go. Come on, man. I'm coming. I'm sorry. This is big.

No one's going to come if you don't get it right. Hello. I'll be at in Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet. Please come to that if you can. And Optimum Noctis is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the creek in the cave. So, please come. Tickets are at

shongardini.com. Last thing we need is his nerd dogs. Oh yeah. Fogging us, dude. It'll be it'll be close to the camera.

Please go. All right. Thank you. Did um Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing?

I haven't. I heard it's great. Oh, it's really great. There's a part about Nicholas Cage where he uh he goes to the front of a commercial play and he's like, "Hey everybody, this is your pilot speaking and we're all going to die." Nicholas Cage.

Oh, he's apparently he's apparently he's a bigger party monster than Sheen himself.

Cage is an animal. I didn't know he was such a beast party man. Yeah. Yeah. I think

like Sheen I think from what I heard about the doc Sheen tips his hat to Cage. He's like, "Bro,

he does. You think I'm a [ __ ] Cage is the Cage is that guy. They had to wean Charlie Sheen off of cocaine like

Yeah. I heard I heard how they did it. It was pretty great. Oh yeah. They gave him the the dealer kept giving him less and less.

Yeah. And he's like, "This shit's not as good. I think I don't even like this anymore."

What did he call himself? He was a not a No, an Adonis or something. Doesn't he call himself? He's like some sort of mythological. He was like saying he was like um one of the Knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something.

The Charlie Sheen. Yeah. He was like smoking crack and being like, I'm basically one of like the papal assassins. Pure. He's like dragon blood. He's like dragon blood. Adonis.

Tiger blood. Tiger blood. That's it. Yeah. Tiger blood. Winning. Tiger blood. Wasn't that from a pitcher?

Yeah. He said he heard a pitcher. He was on the phone with a pitcher and the pitcher was telling him, "You got tiger blood and nobody can stop you cuz we're winning."

Yeah. And then he did an interview like the next day and that was just replaying in his head.

Yeah. I mean, whatever drug makes you think Whatever drug makes you think you're a Knight's Templar.

Toss me some of that. Assemble the army. That would be so funny, dude. Saladine is marching on Carrick.

Assemble the army. Dude, my my brother was telling me he uh he's he's been like getting into just researching the world religions. And he now he's now he's on Islam and he has he's like, "Dude, my wife is cool. I had the Gita. I had the Bible on my nightstand. Soon as I slap down the Quran, all I'm getting is questions." She's like, "What are you what is that? What are you doing? What are you doing?"

Yeah. As a babe, you got to be a little saucy. Yeah. Now, hold on a second. He's shook, bro.

Yeah. I'm telling my friend is basically how to be a boss man. Yeah, for real. It's how to boss up. It's literally is frame. It's like how to get frame. I was like, dude, you should go full Muslim and just dominate

full white Muslim. Yeah. I was like, dude, you should marry. I was like, obviously don't marry one of your cousins, but get as close as you can for the sister wife. That is such a boss move.

Yeah. To just like have a wife and then be like, yo, check it out. It's my other wife and she's my cousin. Yeah,

I'm not trying to be Islamophobic. I'm not. But that's not what I'm saying. For all the like how to be a boss man type [ __ ]

you'd think their countries would be doing a little better. Shame they just got pieced.

I'm just saying for all the all the [ __ ] talk I see them do, you think they'd be doing a little better. No, they would as they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like, "Brother,

what the hell?" You got you you've totally conquered the babes. You got to give them that.

You guys have conquered the babes. But that's the problem. When you're conquering the babes that hard, it takes up so much of your energy.

Yeah, dude. Imagine that. Being like, you know how long it would take me to [ __ ] put a tablecloth on my wife?

It would be a [ __ ] 4hour discussion. Yeah. You wouldn't get anything else done.

That's your whole day. forever. That's your whole week. That's 40 fights. More power to them.

More power, too. True. Not the most respect for a Muslim brothers for real. Well, that's like, dude, it'd be, you know, she'd be like, "I don't know. It doesn't It's not form fit." I mean, Jesus, put the [ __ ] on, man.

Get that goddamn [ __ ] kid on. [ __ ] You're going to be all right. There's peace now. We can make fun of him. There's peace. We can make fun of him again. There's peace.

I thought the variety these Yeah. These are the powerful Saudis. They love jokes. Yeah,

powerful sound. They do love. We also have to get off the Jews ass now too. Uh, no, they still get made fun of for a while for what happened.

Yeah, maybe not all the Not the American Jews, but the Yeah. Yeah. The Israeli ones.

You don't just go, "All right, peace. We're done." Everybody forget about that.

Yeah. Then in 10 years, we'll be back. And Yeah. We'll see. Man, I think it is. It is sick that America gets to celebrate that peace.

Yeah. It's nice. It's like, yeah, even though we sold a lot of those weapons, peace. We got it done, baby. Peace.

They get the credit. It is nice. Yeah. To sell all the munitions and be like, "Guys, let's be nice to each other." All right.

Yeah. This is over. I I feel like America could just be just We should just slide into pure diplomacy and arms obviously and arm selling.

Sell arms and do, you know, diplomatic stuff. Just trying to, you know, I'm trying to keep the American exceptionalism dream alive, man. A lot of people are doubting in the country. It's like, knock it off, man.

I don't know. Not this country, dude. You don't want to doubt us. Hell yeah, mayor. You're a patriot again.

I love this country. I thought you were Whoopy Goldberg. No, I [ __ ] love this country, dude.

China got some cool stuff, but I [ __ ] love this country. I'm not buying the China hype, dude. It's You're going to piss me off with that [ __ ]

Yeah. I don't know, man. They got to spray that. They what? They got to spray that men's broken bones.

Yeah, this is all made up. This is all made up. [ __ ] glue, La Mer. We had glue a long time ago.

Glue forever. This is all made up. Jesus Christ. Every You're getting all your China. I see the China facts. They're on Instagram. It's a meme on ch on Instagram and it goes, "Dude,

yeah, it's a fox with slanty eyes." China. China is Dude, they're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them. That's how smart they are.

Dude, they're making gravity batteries. Yeah. Nothing's true. They're making gravity batteries.

Yeah. So they can store all their energy and then just like move it to the batteries to a different thing.

Please. What does that mean? What do you you saw one meme and you think you can explain it? That's a video.

It was at least 10 minutes and it's just a building. It's a big building. What do they do? Put them in like a 3 L soda bottle and then like push them into water.

We already had that technology. La Mer out of a Ghookah. Like it's a way to move batteries around and like store energy in a efficient.

Put them in a [ __ ] freezer, dude. We already know this. Keeps batteries long as hell. My a my uncle did this. I brought a pair back. I brought a pair of double A's back that way myself. Yeah, I think you're right.

Toss. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, I'm not buying the China hype. Do they have the [ __ ] minerals? Yeah, whatever. But we'll get them. Trust me, we'll get our hands on our hands on those minerals.

That's what I've seen my country do the whole time I've been alive is be like, "Guys, they're doing some bad stuff over there." And they go take their minerals.

It was crazy that China was like, "Hey, Israel, stop that." You know, like did you guys kill a bunch of Muslims?

Maybe. Yeah, I think they I think they camped them up right? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, they they had a weaker camp.

Yeah, but and they [ __ ] have uh child slaves making shoes. They're like, "You're you're uh you guys are to Israel." They're like, "You guys have atrocious humanitarian uh you know, like I can't remember backgrounds.

China was like, "Those kids should be working." Stop killing all those kids. You got to put them to [ __ ] work.

China was probably so confused. We could have We would have taken those [ __ ] kids. God.

Hey, are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories? I think so. at Fox Con. They were the one that the place I was making the iPhones, but that's also videos I saw.

Yeah. Yeah. Suicide is crazy, bro. So crazy. That'd be nice. I feel like every job should have those.

Suicide. We put them on our bridges, do we? Yeah. That's kind of chill. That'd be a thrill to just jump in.

We put them on bridges and Topgolf. Those are the only places you're not allowed to do it.

You cannot commit at Top Golf. Yo, that's such a party fail. Committing at Top Golf.

Trying to commit at Top Golf. That'd be crazy. after a bad shot. Your girl your girlfriend just beat you in the third straight game. You You can't even hit the ball. It's just landing in the [ __ ] point zone.

Yeah, exact. It's [ __ ] bull. Like I hit it further than her. Like I got in the red blinking thing. It's like this is life is meaningless.

It's time to leap from the third floor of the Top Golf and break your legs. Be fine.

Caught in the net's worse than a death though. Caught in the Top Golf net. Oh god.

I'd just go kill me. [ __ ] kill me. I get fished out by like seven of the like teenage employees. It would take So it'd be like

how did the Egyptians build the beer thing? Be a hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing.

Yeah. Remember uh you yourself from White Claws kill me. Run me over with the ball collecting machine, dude. Just [ __ ] chop me up into that thing.

That's a tough way to go. Hey man, after you fall in the Top Golf net, I I would [ __ ] light myself on fire. That'd be so [ __ ] I feel like if you fall in the Top Golf net,

by some law of physics, your ass has to come out of your pants. Your ass is hanging.

Your ass definitely comes out. Your crack's getting split by a rope for sure. It's just cheeks sticking out. And there's a family underneath you. God forbid it's a hot chick party going, "Ew, look at that guy."

They probably set up where your teenis pokes through one of the holes. your penis in a little square dude.

Your ass is out to your family. Just full Timberlake. JT got JT got crushed with the penis trap.

I was I was thinking about JT when I was watching T pay. I was like cuz you see the videos of him with the hood up just like phoning in his concerts.

That's cuz he got the I think that the team is fly trap, dude. After after the team is fly trap, you go I'm done with this. [ __ ] my whole production. [ __ ] whoever did this.

Yeah. Yeah, if my producers [ __ ] me up like that, I would be I'd have the [ __ ] rain jacket hood on just being like

Yeah, that would piss me the [ __ ] off, dude. They set me up on a Tenis fly trap. I'd be [ __ ] furious.

Just dude, just a Are you checking out the Tenis fly trap? The uh the net, the Golden Gate Bridge net would be a tough one.

This would be so scary. Yeah, dude. Cuz they always say like the the few people that have survived, they're like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like "Oh fuck."

Oh, yeah. This was a huge mistake. Yeah, for sure. But then you're stuck in the net. You're like, "Get me out. No, I'm sorry, everybody." You

want to live? I want to live. You got to roll. You're going to roll under the bridge just looking at the roof like, "Holy [ __ ] I can't believe I did that."

How far down is the net? So, they give they give you a little taste of like the

They should give you a taste gravity battery. They should give you Yeah, they should give you at least like a 20 foot drop so you can be like or maybe 10 20 foots a little bit.

Yeah. So, you can just right before you experience freef fall, you go hit a net.

Yeah. Because it should get It shouldn't be I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it cuz you see it.

Yeah. Yeah. So, what do you do? People still successfully kill themselves on that bridge like by jumping

cuz that'd be tough to [ __ ] leap on that wall 20 ft the net. Oh, they give you

damn. Oh, I'm going right through that net. It's not the same thing, but I I have a ChemX coffee thing. You know, like the glass vase looking things. No, I bought I had to buy non

I had to buy non ChemX coffee filter. Speaking of going through the net, I bought a non- ChemX filter being like, I don't need those [ __ ]

dude. I poured my hot water through, bursted right through. I was [ __ ] livid this morning.

Pissed me right off. Yeah. Kind of. You just reminded me of that when you Yeah, that'd be me.

I was like I was when you said that I'm like it is possible. You think things can hold sometimes they [ __ ] burst.

Well, those nets are built for people who commit. And if you commit, you're probably about 120 pounds.

Yeah, true. Typically, not a lot of big dogs. That's true. Not a lot of big dogs commit.

Don't commit. No, bro. They have too many. Yeah, true. Dogs are grubbing. Interesting.

You got to be a skinny one to commit. Yeah, I guess you're right. It's a skinny sad boy.

Yeah, it's a skinny man's game. That is. And ladies, ladies rare that it's Yeah, they don't really

Mostly Asians. Yeah, Asians are not afraid to commit, especially in San Francisco.

Oh, really? Yeah, there's a lot of Asians there. Yeah, they definitely are. I've seen them.

Yeah. You remember uh one of I don't know if this is I don't know. One of my friends got stuck in a ball pit. That would be a That's like a tough golf net. Jake the Snake.

I know. I didn't want to say it. He does a whole [ __ ] joke about it. Yeah. Jake Mata. He [ __ ] got stuck, man. Yeah.

Yeah. That's Yeah. Fun of the fam. That's rough, dude. That's rough. I will say it's the foam pit. I'm not going to slam him in the ball pit. He got stuck in a foam pit, which dude those things are a little

tougher. You think like I'm going to do a [ __ ] back flip into this thing on the trampoline. It's like

I always like I'd watch the X Games and they do the uh like or not the X Games, there's a skate park Woodward around us that you could do they had a half fight. You go into a foam pit. It's like I would do 10 back flips into that thing. You see the foam pit, you're like I'm just going to jump in.

Also, dudes miss the [ __ ] out of that. Dudes miss that foam pit all the time.

Yeah. It's It's like kind of tough to get out of those things. Yeah. It's not the oasis you thought it would be.

Yeah. I Dude, it's still a brutal [ __ ] like having everybody come to help you. That's like a brutal one.

Getting stuck, dude. I I was in the ocean a couple months ago and I like just laid on my back and just kind of was like, I'm just going to float and chill. And I got like it was pretty rough season. I got pulled out far enough to where I was like, "Fuck, some of these kids are going to have to pull me in." [ __ ] sure. I was I was swimming. I wasn't going anywhere. And I was like, "Dude, one of these [ __ ] hot tan kids are going to have to rip me into shore. I'm going to be humiliated." And I just

I swam like literally my life depended on it to get back cuz I was, you know, when you're like not going anywhere in the ocean.

Yeah. I hit that then I had to like float and I let the water push me forward and you know, thank god I'm kind of chill like that but But it it crossed my mind. I was like, "Fuck, I might have to get carded in."

What would you say? H say, "Thanks, fell." I put I put the hand up. I would just go, "Come get me."

Yeah. Come get me. Yeah. Come on. Help. Help. Hey, you got to yell loud, too. Oh, yeah.

Over the waves that far away, you got scream so loud. Or just give the classic put your head under, come up, and go. Yeah,

that would have [ __ ] sucked, dude. That would have really sucked. I was I was on the edge. I was like, this if I don't get if I don't make any tra I don't get any traction towards, you know, where I can stand, I'm I'm going to throw up the flare. That would have [ __ ] sucked, dude.

Trying to think about how fat people suicide. I mean, every day. I'm just trying to think about it, though.

Fat suicide. Yeah, it's slow. Yeah. I think it's just more Leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think they really like blow their heads off. I don't know. I could be wrong.

Yeah. I think I think Suicide is a thin man's game. Yeah. How many fat people blow their fat heads off every year?

Well, cuz like if you're fat, all you got to do is get skinny and then you're like, "Oh, I'm not that sad anymore." But if you're skinny,

well, then you become a child molester once you get skinny. That's happened to Jared.

You got to watch your stuff. Yeah. It's like the bends. Like when you come up when you're scuba diving, you come up too fast, you get like that those crippling pains. If you lose too much weight too fast, you're like

I can't have those tasty treats anymore. I can finally catch one of those little guys.

What is it, Gardian? What' you find? Was I right about thin suicides? It's hard to find like a good figure, but it says a lot of obese well around 15% of obese children think about committing suicide, I guess, from being bullied and stuff.

Yes, obviously, dude. But then it's more common in uh it's uh 20% obese females report suicidal ideiation and then 8% obese males.

So, it's pretty low. 80%. No, eight. Oh, you said 80. pretty low. It's hard to find like death.

I will say the uh the schizophrenic community can bulk and they and they're not afraid to,

you know. Yeah. Yeah, they'll do it. They'll go into the abyss. Schizophrenic people are getting crushed by AI, dude.

Yeah, I can I can see that. Yeah, it's tough, dude. Yeah, those Sora videos came out of nowhere and they're [ __ ] good.

Yeah, I've heard about that. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of although you know now we have all the deep fakes be like [ __ ] deep. Another deep fake clip of our podcast talking about tablecloth [ __ ] [ __ ]

[ __ ] soro [ __ ] Yeah, it is kind of nice. We'll be in like complete fake reality. So you don't you won't know what's what.

Yeah. Yeah. We're kind of already there because there was like, you know, there was the Trump alleged letter to Jeffrey Epstein, the beautiful mystery,

and he's just like, "That's not real." You're like, "Fuck it, might that be fake."

He sent him a new bio letter. Yeah. Draw. I will say that's pretty tough to draw to write like a weird cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure.

Yeah. I mean I mean, dude, taking that out of context, that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys. If it wasn't about, you know, Child Sex Island,

for sure. Without a doubt. Without a doubt. That is a boss move. Yeah. If you get rid of the child sex trafficking,

get that out. A lot of what Epstein was up to was fly. Yeah, it's true. That's pretty cool.

But that then that that big one, you know. Yeah, I know. And you can do that for a lot of historical figures.

True. True. Yeah, man. He just piged. pig. Have you had if he had like mature busty mature natural island?

Yeah. Big St. James. Big St. James, bro. Having Yeah. Having mature naturals. Just like those ladies at the strip club where you look at and you go, "All right, man. This is your last season."

Yeah. There's always a no ass blondhaired lady that's like, "Put on [ __ ] White Snake pussy." And gets up there and everyone's like "Yeah."

Those are called flaccos. God damn. Are you still in the league? Holy [ __ ] You're starting this week.

Yeah. An old stripper's called a flack. I'll tell you what, I still got it. You still got it. True.

Yeah. They get on. It's I mean, it's so hard cuz they're following like a 22-year-old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole. Then you have a lady bust out like [ __ ] flying to the ceiling, crawling on the ceiling. like god damn the exorcist just

an old bony white-haired lady with giant bangs. You're kind of like where the where the [ __ ] did you crawl out of?

Here I go again on my own. Come and get it, boys. I'll wait. I swear to God every time.

Let's get a dance. Let's get a dance. You know, I'm like, what are you [ __ ] gay? God damn lady and you're mean. You know who I've got my eye on? The the mean ugly one. That's who I want to dance with.

Nah, sometimes I've rode the dragon of the [ __ ] flock of the shrimp club. It's not all It's kind of a nice move.

You can still play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They know all the tricks. They know the tricks.

An old dog. The old dogs, man. They know the playbook. Yeah, they know the playbook. Front back.

Yep. They're aware of the Kelly Blue Book and they go, "Look, we throw in some bells and whistles. There's a secret compartment in here every day. We bust it out.

The KBB. [ __ ] the KBB. It's [ __ ] Yeah, I know. Dealership propag. You know,

I did nothing but battle with the KBB. Dude, some [ __ ] old guy would come in and go, "Well, Blue Buck says my car is worth this much." And I go, "Dude, the whole thing is bullshit."

It is. Yeah. You want to know how much the car I'm selling you is worth on KBB? You want to do that? Yep.

Or we can just disregard KBB. Yep. Up to you. Yeah. Ed, I like Edmonds. I'm an Edmonds guy.

Oh, the Edmonds is great. I still check Edmonds just to see what's going on. Yeah, it's like that's

in the market. I just want to see what's going on. You just want to know what's going on. That's a live market value.

Looking at the trades. I love checking out the trades. Have you ever like just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and try to pretend you like give a [ __ ] I've done it before. I've like just scanned an auto trader like getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics.

I think I have I think I have it at work like when I was selling cars to pretend I was remotely interested in this career. I like the house magazines at the Waw Wa. Those are pretty cool.

Good house. You read mags at Wawwa? The house ones. They have all the houses in it. Like, you never seen that one?

I kind of know what you're talking about. Yeah, I love those. Like, oo, I'm going to get this one.

Yeah. It's like, look at this. Oh, I hope Shane gets this one. This has got a nice pool house. I thought you were talking about like the home decor. You're talking about the ones straight up for sale.

Yeah. Yeah. That's tight. I just like looking at them. The yards. That's nice. I need a I need a yard. I got to get a yard. I got to get a

tend to this. You got you got to clean up that still [ __ ] everywhere. Maybe that's how we can solve the uh that whole like homeowner crisis. You know, if like people they're saying like people, you know, if the millennial and whatever Gen Z won't own houses, we could like VR them in a [ __ ] apartment.

We could just like walk outside and there's like a white picket fence. I was like, "Hey neighbor, place looks great." You get to go, "Thanks, buddy.

You can customize it to make them all you can chair naturals." You every single neighbor is like, "Oh, my jugs are out again, aren't they?" No, that's okay.

Damn, we could get a little mature natural island going. Yo, man. No, everyone would be everyone like this is a major improvement.

Peace in the Middle East, not a child sex island. Big daddies would be crazy, bro.

Big Korean natties. Are we Korean natties? [ __ ] greedy. We were dying. That would have gone too far.

That was a search. That was a search. Uh I forget one of my brothers is all the big

Korean people mad. Big Korean. That might people might be as up in arms about that as Little St. James. Big Greenatties.

Yeah, the jealousy. True. We'd be guillotines. They'd bring it back. This is the French Revolution.

They have an island of Korean naturals. That'd be tough. That would be tough. And you could just test them like cocaine. You would just touch a pinky and go,

"Oh yeah." Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You swirl them and like you like rub them in a liquid. It turns purple. You're like, "Oh yeah, that's the stuff."

I'm giving a killer soundtrack to this episode. We're doing good. You saw You saw T pay, bro.

The music's coursing through your veins. I was in the drum circle, bro. I mean, this is a music town.

This is music city. It's live Austin, the live uh music capital of the world, dude.

True. Yeah. Well, hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Good episode. Goddamn did it. See you on the Patreon.

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane Secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)"?

In order: 0:00 Air Force One, Oklahoma Texas game; 10:00 Prize Pick; 30:00 Bricktown Comedy Club, Comedy on State, Funny Bone Comedy Club, Helium Comedy Club; 40:00 Charlie Sheen, Nicholas Cage.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

16 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Charlie Sheen, Prize Pick, Air Force One, Oklahoma Texas game, Helium Comedy Club, Bricktown Comedy Club. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)"?

The episode runs 1 h 4 min; the transcript is about 14,455 words in 456 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.