Transcript

Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 3 min · 14,807 words · 433 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published November 20, 2025 (1 h 3 min, about 14,807 words). It mentions 14 people, works and ideas, including New Orleans, Skankfest, Cristiano Ronaldo, Prize Pick, Jeep Wrangler.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: New Orleans, Prize Pick, Skankfest, Barely Legal
  2. – 20:00: Skankfest
  3. – 30:00: Ariana Grande, Skankfest
  4. – 40:00: Jeep Wrangler, Texas DMV
  5. – 50:00: Jeep Wrangler
  6. – 1:00:00: Cristiano Ronaldo, Drexel, New Orleans, The Titan

Notable quotes from "Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)"

  • Drink while we were at that bar. I didn't touch one of those drink at le It's It's in New Orleans. It's just another That's like a New Orleans [ __ ] dairy type. I don't know how to describe it. Just an icy sugary liquor.
    about New Orleans · at
  • [ __ ] Skankfest day four is [ __ ] hell.
    about Skankfest · at
  • I'm not ready yet. I waited till I got to the venue to Marty Gro World.
    about Marty Gro World · at
  • I wore a thing the whole way home. Just a badge that said Barely Legal on it the whole way home.
    about Barely Legal · at
  • The last thing I want to do is miss the excitement on prize picks.
    about Prize Pick · at
  • Everybody, what did she do? What did Ariana Grande do? Like spazzed about donuts or something?
    about Ariana Grande · at
  • And then I Googled it on the Texas DMV and it was like they also do it at HBS.
    about Texas DMV · at
  • Recently. Actually, me and Sean had a nice little time in our Jeep. I rented a Jeep Wrangler Jeep thing.
    about Jeep Wrangler · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Books & papers

  • The Bible — Book · 1 mention · first at
    The Bible. Ever hear the Bible, bro? I also didn't hear about as popular as Cristiano Ronaldo.
  • The Titan — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Infrastructure in the 1920s. I'm reading a book right now called the Titan by Theodore Diser, whatever Der whatever his name is. And it's all about like the robber baron age of like 1890 to 1920, but it's a guy from Philadelphia.

Companies & orgs

  • Prize Pick — Company · 2 mentions · first at
  • Texas DMV — Company · 1 mention · first at
  • Drexel — Company · 1 mention · first at
    So, I used to go there was like bars when I went to school at Drexel in West Philly that would serve like you could be a baby. And they'd be Yeah, whatever. And I just vividly remember only ever drinking out of clear plastic.
  • HBS — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

Concepts & topics

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. Hey. Hey. Howdy. Hey. How's it going? Good, man. Just chilling. I got a nap. I'm usually I'm a little tired. I'm a nice

Got a nice little nap, but today thanks to my extension. True. Your extension was great.

Giant extension. Uh yeah, there's a little gap in the sketch. It was nice. I was all I was all uh and I was I was sleepy today, too. I I did not get good sleep last night. Yeah, I was out doing stand up, so I couldn't fall asleep.

So, I was just back to the audiobook Bible before bedtime, which is a nice bedtime read, by the way. I'm on Jacob and Esau right now.

What's the book? The Bible. Ever hear the Bible, bro? I also didn't hear about as popular as Cristiano Ronaldo.

He didn't know who Cristiano Ronaldo was. Yeah, that's why. I really did kind of I told you I feel good about not knowing that.

Why? Do you can we like like uh investigate why you feel good about that? I'm kind of curious. It just kind of feels like the way y'all explain it like it's like not knowing LeBron or something and that just kind of feels

You're saying you're saying you're different. You're saying you're different. I'm kind of different out here.

I'm just moving different. I can see that. No, I I can appreciate. You're doing well. I thought you'd be I thought you'd be less uh active on this.

It's going to be my voice is going to go halfway through. That's cuz you've been you've been going too fast, young man.

I know. I know. Slow down. You you introduced us to the purple drink while we were at that bar. I I didn't touch one of those drink

at le It's It's in New Orleans. It's just another That's like a New Orleans [ __ ] dairy type. I don't know how to describe it. Just an icy sugary liquor thing.

Ah, those things will get you. But it was called purple drink. So yeah. So I went crazy on

like flies on [ __ ] They said they even misspelled drink on the cup. It's the better made me feel better cuz I was I was like [ __ ] neon green and we thought for a second. My gosh.

And I and I was telling him about it. He was like, "I'm still [ __ ] the ingredient." I was like, "All right, so it is the purple drink. It's not

I'm not dying, dude." Well, I I ate I ate candy as a similar trap for me a long time ago, but I ate this candy from Hot Topic once

and I [ __ ] like white man's white man's drink. That's white man's drink. I was a teenager in Hot Topic and they they sold this like neon weird candy [ __ ] and I I remember ate it and I got like scared I was dying when I took the [ __ ] I had Play-Doh coming out of my butt.

Did you? No, you came with uh So, you stayed Sunday? Yeah, we stayed. You guys must have been

That must sucked so bad. I sold them Sunday. I flew in at 5:00 p.m. Sunday. I saw Nate. I was like going to the hotel. I look in the window. I see the bar. I see Nate at the bar. I'm like, "Oh, I'm going to say hi to Nate." I'm like, "What's up, Nate?" He's like, "What's up, man?"

Hey, what's going on, man? [ __ ] Skankfest day four is [ __ ] hell. That That day I had went to bed with the sun up and then when I finally came out the hotel it was dark again. Like it was an evil day.

He was on some vamp [ __ ] I saw him. You want some New Orleans vamp [ __ ] I saw him at the bar and I He was like, "What's going on, man?" I was like, "Jesus Christ. Jesus, man. Where are the others?" [clears throat] I don't know. His voice was just gone.

He was chalky, dude. I saw him. He was chalky. Yeah, I had nothing. I was I was trying to rally. I was trying to go.

He was like, "Oh, it was going Yeah. I was happy to see you. I just had nothing."

I know. You know, you bump into someone at a bar, you're like, "Oh my god, what are you doing here?" He was like, "What's going on?"

All the time. I get to a bar, Conor's, oh [ __ ] man. The Stuff Island boys will hit you with one of those.

Yeah. You see him at a bar, they're like, "I've been out for 8 hours." You go, "Jesus Christ."

It's 400 p.m. Go to bed. Yeah. Nate wasn't drunk. He was just viciously hung over.

Yeah. I was I think I think Hair of the Dog and I didn't even finish it. I couldn't. I was like, I'm not ready yet. I waited till I got to the to the venue

to Marty Gro World. Yeah. Squad was squad was [ __ ] in rough shape. I got I got there at a big standup show. It's gang festival. You guys any want to do some time? No.

I mean, jeez, guys. Friday was great. Yeah, I heard Saturday half energy. [snorts]

Sunday must have been Sunday was chill. It was definitely chill mode. Everyone was chill mode.

Yeah, it was pizza and eagles. Everyone was just order. I kind saw the Dynamos come through.

Kind of turned up by the end. I can't remember if Oh, my fault. Yeah, I kind of turned up by the end. [snorts]

I went to uh that was the only night I went to the afterparty. Uh was that one just cuz I I don't know. Want to do it once and whatever.

I wore I wore a thing the whole way home. Just a a badge that said Barely Legal on it the whole way home.

Oh man. [clears throat] Name of the strip club that the after party. It was called Barely Legal. But every

I didn't go. Every lady there was kind of old, so it was kind of nice. Like you kind of very legal.

Yeah, they were like obvious. They were clearly legal. Undeniably legal. I wonder if you could do a class action suit.

Like you guys should be perpetrating the illusion that I am committing a great a great statutory.

I didn't feel like a pedophile at our hoping to cancel. Yo, you might be able to make some bucks.

What' you say? You might be able to make some bucks. take some pictures of them and like go out to a judge and be like, "Do any of these look like they could be of questionable age?"

I was fooled. I want my $15 ATM feedback. Yeah, that's funny. Well, I guess I guess that was uh that was covered.

Oh, no. The ATM just had a super high Oh, you know how they Yeah. The ATM at a strip club,

they watched they they're like sharks. Desperation from every guy in there. Yeah. There's I think they have one by those ATMs. They have that thing when you go into a gas station. It's like when you run over the thing, it's a bell that goes off.

He's back. So all the strippers go, "There he is." Yeah. They're like this. They go,

"There's [snorts] our markers." Yeah. Yeah. I didn't uh I got invited to the after party. I was like, "No way, bro.

No shot." Not going to the barely strip club on Bourbon Street with Legion of Skanks.

Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks, being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this holiday season.

Yeah, there's there's so much hustle and bustle. It's crazy. The last thing I want to do is miss the excitement on prize picks.

Exactly. Seriously, dude. Hey, Matt, make sure you download the app. All right, you got to download the app today

so you don't miss out on any special offers from this holiday season. Price fix is always offering promos like max discounts where a player would only need one yard or one point to cash your pick. Wow.

And here's a new feature. [ __ ] That's all right. And here's a new feature to get hyped on. Prize picks now has early payouts if your player gets off to a hot start. You now have the option to cash out on those winnings before the game even finishes. That's

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It's good to be right. It's good to be right. Yeah. Well, it's fun. It's a fun time.

It was It was actually I think it was probably my favorite one of those. Yeah. In a long time. It was a really good one.

I was curious how like how they're going to work it in New Orleans. And man, they truly did find the perfect the perfect place.

Yeah. So that place right on the waterfront. It was cool. Yeah. Bridge at that [ __ ] thing though.

Yeah. You hear stories. Everybody comes in and goes, "Yeah, [ __ ] I just got jacked off on a ferris wheel." You're like, "Oh man."

Yeah, it's kind of nice. It's crazy. What's going on? Oh, yeah. It is fully debaucherous.

Yeah, it's a bucket doll. I got eyes on the uh the ass slapping contest. You know, I had to get there. But not just I was there early the first night, Friday. You know, we were out. We were out till like what? How? How long were we at the casino?

What guys were having? Why you Why are you attacking me like that? We were the fellas. [cough] It was guys.

Uh, no. Just being mean. Skankfest usually toss us. Some guy did something crazy while I was on stage at the live Legion of Skanks show.

What happened? What'd he do? I don't know. I didn't look, but I heard about it.

He kissed a dick. There was two guys that like kissed a dick. And it didn't even take much convincing. Like,

no, they were brought it up. They're like, "Yeah, we'll fight. We'll fight tomorrow. The loser has to suck a dick. I'll do it."

It was like, "No one's making you do that." They're like, "We'll do it right now."

Of course, the entire crowd's like, "Do it." Just sitting there with David Tell like, "Jesus Christ."

It was just a dick. Whose dick was it? Just proposed. Oh, what? Yeah. Sim. Yeah, that's crazy.

I know a guy who just proposed in the room, right? And also got his dick kissed in the arms by a fella. the guy's butts slapping contest.

I'm sorry, Nate. Then he [ __ ] lime green. It is funny to be on the phone with your babe like, "What are you doing down there?" Like, "Oh, is that the guy's butts slapping contest?"

And then, well, I got double dog dare to kiss a man's penis and uh it's going pretty good otherwise.

She was in the crowd. The girl he proposed to, they did it live and then he kissed he got his penis kissed by

he got his kissed. Yeah, that's kind of powerful, dude. If you just proposed, you just proposed and you're

It's also off to a terrible start. She cheated on her within 3 minutes. He got his dick touched by a guy immediately

and it was just like a peck on the helmet allegedly. I didn't see it. Two pecs. You watch. Oh, you were up close.

Wait, who went for You were up close and person. Yeah, you had eyes on it. I was in a balcony. I couldn't believe it was happening.

You binoculars a bunch of bees. Yeah, that is a uh a funny like that's a big thing. like, "Oh, tell me the proposal story." It's like, "Well, we" And then then some actually kissed his penis. And then La [snorts] Mer goes, "Not once, but twice."

Twice. Two pecs. Very European. It was two different guys. He went very respectful.

Yeah. It was two different guys cuz one guy was like, "Lewis, you said for me to fight, I get to I have to suck a trans dick and I'm looking forward to that." And Lewis was like, "We're going to let that go." And then

you don't have to actually do that. And he was like, "No, man. [ __ ] that. And then the other guy was like, "That's gay. All you told me I had to do was kiss a dick."

And he was like, "Also, I'd like I'll do that right now to prove it." It was just an audience memory.

Yeah. And everyone was kind of like, "You don't really have to do that. Please don't."

Yeah. And he's like, "No, it is nice, though. It's a good uh It's a good move." Like, "Yeah, I was at SC before you do it." I don't know.

Those two fought [ __ ] uh Yeah. Skard versus uh the ukulele Hawaiian. Interesting. I I missed all that. I got there. It was just like everyone was just dragging.

Yeah. They were tired from that. True. Friday and Saturday. Saturday was wrest if I was wrestling and kissing penises all day. Talk it out.

I would. It's a full day. It's a busy day. They got to top it next year on the cruise is going to be just like

the cruise human centipede. I would turn it would cost more than the Riad comedy festival to get me on the Skankfest cruise.

Oh my god. [gasps] Yeah, true. Like you guys don't think I'll jerk off and [ __ ] in this pool right now.

It'll be the poop cruise just without perfectly working. The boat will be fine. There's going to be [ __ ] and homeless shelters on deck.

Oh my god. [ __ ] They should do a cruise and just never set sail. Just be on a docked boat the whole time.

People are going to be jumping off. The only way you don't lose a person is if you stay docked. If if they take off some They will lose someone.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude. For sure. You ever see those videos where people do that [ __ ] Just think it's going to be hilarious. jump off a cruise ship and then

there'd [clears throat] be a new like indigenous population in like the St. Peter Islands.

It's a bunch of [ __ ] chubby white guys. Like we we found here this land came to us.

Yeah. Like they need a couple skankets to repopulate, but they would. Although those guys might just hatch. I don't even think they they come out of each other's backs like neimatodes.

They just sit on a monster energy drinking hatches. Comes out like brand shop sucks.

Yeah. They'd have to hit like the uh the small convenience stores take they completely control the supply of funions. They

control the funions. Yeah. We control the funions now. Yeah, that's [ __ ] sick. It was a good time.

It was good. It was a grand old time. I was uh I I saw some of my friends there. I always see them when I'm there.

Yeah. Dan the Ratman, Linda. And I'm like sitting there talking to them. And while I'm trying to have a conversation with them, a lady just pulled her pants down was just showing uh Zach and Miko her pretty gargantuan butt. It was like there's no, you know, no disrespect towards butt. It was like full in proportions. It was just larger,

larger than life. And I was like, directly in my line of vision. I'm like, and I was like, "Oh, there's literally a giant butt behind you guys." And they were like, "Yeah, oh, okay." And I was like, "I I literally can't

Yeah, that's I can't focus. I'm supposed to putt. I thought they turn. Yeah, there's a lot of uh nude. It's It's Yeah, it's nudity you really don't want.

Yeah. Going on. This was This was I will say this was a pleasant giant butt." I think I know exactly what you're talking about. And it was a very nice gigantic butt.

Yeah, it was talking. Yep. Yeah. Beyond. It was beyond pog. Wide load. Yeah, it was a wide load.

It was beyond pog. That's There has to be something beyond a pog cuz this was like

blob. Blob. It was a blob. No, it wasn't blob. It wasn't blob like. It was fully retunned.

Yeah. It It was like shapely, but it's like she was great. It just kept expanding but kept everything

like a tree. like it grew from the inside and kind of each year was like a ring.

I would like a core sample to see the age of that butt. I'd be curious. Sure. Was like a mighty sequoia.

Yeah. The the naked roast. I stuck around for two of those. Nice. And I'd seen more than enough.

Saw a couple penises. So yeah, that's all you see. Yeah. And then uh Yeah, that was the extent of the nudity. I think I just saw a couple guys tiny penises.

Perfect. [snorts] I don't dude I I'm still trying to figure out the uh like the why someone would do the reason somebody would be like, "Yeah, I can't figure that out.

I'll stand up there and do stand up and show my to I have a hard enough time like just doing stand up with all my clothes on.

Remove my clothes." I'd be like, "No, absolutely [ __ ] not." I feel like I get it for ladies, especially if they're hot. Like you stand up there, you're like just hot. But dudes will do it like with their little dicks. It's just

obviously for ladies it's a great thing to say. It's kind of the coolest thing. But

yeah, but they're not even really naked. I feel like I feel like maybe there they are. But I feel like a lot of the naked roast I've seen or the naked standups I've seen is like women wear bra and underwear. Men pull out the tiny

flask. Yeah. So, which is I think that's fair. Yeah. Yeah. You can't be like you can't bar women from not being able to show their nipples in regular life and then be like, "All right."

Yeah. Yeah. Bust them out. Actually, yeah, you could now think about it. Yeah, quit the quite the opposite. Now's the time.

True. It's been sanctioned. That law will never change. You think it'll ever change? But women can just finally go I think we could be close to like all topless beaches.

They can in Austin. They can or they do. They can like legally in specifically Austin.

Like I'm I'm not I'm pretty sure in Austin you can legally Springs you could. Yeah. But I think you can just like walk down. Dude, I I told you I saw a lady one time in my neighborhood and she wasn't She didn't look crazy, but it was just

naked from the top. I'm pretty sure it's it's legal here. What? Yes. So, why aren't more exercising their right?

I feel like it's I don't Yeah, I don't know. It is aggressive. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of [ __ ] It's aggressive for a guy to walk around shirtless.

Yeah, I'm sick of that. It may cut that as hell. Although, dude, the sunlight hits your chest, it increases the tea.

Yeah, but I'm so I'm driving around with my girlfriend. 66 dudes with abs jogging around [ __ ] freak.

You were like trying to like you're driving with your lady, you're like peeking to see if she like you can see her like I [ __ ] dare you.

Yeah. Yeah. I dare you to look at that guy. [ __ ] [ __ ] That guy sucks. It is funny. Oh, you see something you like? Yeah, that's cool.

[ __ ] Why the [ __ ] would your eyes dart over there? Same way mine did. I looked like Yeah. [ __ ] guy [ __ ] making me [ __ ] insecure. [ __ ] is his problem.

I will say though, it's like when you swim naked, it is a nice feeling. Same if you have no shirt on, it does.

You don't think I'll hit the old I would hope you I'm so mad they built that house back there. I've been hitting so many dips. Solo skinny dips,

dude. It feels really nice. I just Oh, it feels amazing. It's so good. Yeah. Now they can they can kind of peek in there.

They can float naked. I take up the entire pool. That's crazy. I'm furious about that house.

Can they really see? Can they see in or Yeah, I'm sure the kids room's up there. There's going to be there's going to be [clears throat] a boy looking out the window.

Oh, even a bunk bed. Oh, no. Bunk bed. That'll be like the crow's nest. That's going to be so scary. It'd be really scary.

That's on them though. My whole thing if I'm on my property and you see me naked, look, that's your problem.

Yeah, we're they're building houses behind mine like windows straight across and it's I am naked in my house a lot. So I'm like, "Damn, they're going to catch me."

Yeah. I' I'm pretty sure because there's been a lot of building going on and I just

I love they love having just gigantic windows here. Yeah. I I think you look into every single [ __ ] house. I I go on my constitutionals. I'm just looking. I'm watching people eat dinner.

Oh yeah. I'm seeing people like me again making progress at a snail's pace. I finished. Look up. You're just still right there. still slowly just going. What are you guys having in there?

You got any extra hamburger helper? I've noticed you guys eat that on Tuesdays.

Our our house in Philly was literally like the kitchen the where we ate was right next to a window that was right next to the sidewalk. So people would literally just be walking by and be like right in on us while eating. You'd be like two feet from

every city. Every time I'm in the city, there's nothing you can do about drive me crazy.

I'm looking into your house. Yeah, you have to too. If you see people at a table, it's kind what you got going on.

What are they watching? What show is that? [ __ ] idiots. I can't believe they're watching that.

I do. I don't know why I do like when I see like a giant TV in the window and I can see what they're watching. I'm always kind of like, damn, dude. You're watching Independence Day right now. It's Tuesday at [ __ ] 9:00 p.m. I'm walking my dog. That

[ __ ] rocks. I know. But it's just like, damn, you just chucked on ID4. And I was like, what am I doing with my life?

Yeah. I didn't even think to watch ID4 right now. ID4 is [ __ ] sick. ID4 is so good.

It is. Yeah, I do love that. ID4 independence day, bro. Don't act like you don't know why you don't know why.

No, I didn't know why. I I was like, "How did you become this?" I thought you were saying it was the fourth one. I was

Purple drink changed. Purple drink. You don't remember. The green turd transform.

My brain hasn't been working right since Skankfest. I I of course I'm moving slow.

You took Monday off at least? Uh tell me you took Monday off. Yeah. No, we drove all day.

Oh, [ __ ] Yeah, we drove for like eight hours. That must be the worst hangover drive possible. It was pretty bad. I did the first four, Shawn did the last four. Uh my girl, she picked me up from Sean's and like she hugged us all. She said we all smelt like ass and we just didn't notice it just in a 8 hour car.

Yeah, you guys must have stunk. Was it just you and Sean or did you pack you packed the Mi in there too?

Butterly. And why what's wrong with you? Me? What' you do? He left. He left early, didn't he?

Where'd you go? How'd you get home? I just left it. took an airplane. Nice. Yeah. I left on Sunday night. I always leave Sunday night.

How uh how were the farts on the airplane? What were you Oh, no farts. I kept them to myself. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. I did. I did. Did you shower before the flight? No. I mean, I showered before.

Somebody right now is telling everybody at work. Somebody's going, I sat next to the [ __ ] biggest piece of [ __ ] He farted. He stunk like [ __ ] He smelled like ass and vodka. I didn't fall asleep this time, so I don't think I farted.

That's fair. That's the lame easy guarantee. Yeah, I fell asleep. I don't think I farted. Damn.

Oh, dude. You know what's [ __ ] that I'm uh I'm getting hip to right now is that apparently sports viewing is like it's impossible to watch sports now. They've like scattered all the games across different apps. So like how does it everyone talk to is like

it's [ __ ] that's wrong, dude. It's hard to get a hold of the Sixers. Yeah, it's kind of wrong.

They're just basically making you buy a season pass for whatever your favorite team is.

Everyone has to pay like a $100 a month. Yeah, that's wrong. Yeah. And then they took ESPN off YouTube [snorts] TV for like two weeks,

isn't it? That was devastating. No, it's I heard that. I heard Oh, I got [ __ ] cuz I had I

Everybody went and bought [ __ ] Disney Plus and all that [ __ ] I had like the old legacy version. It was a little cheaper.

Quiet piggy. I just remembered. I wanted to break that out. Sorry. Wait, who got hit with a quarter?

Some [ __ ] piggy on Air Force One got crushed by Donald Trump. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

You think he's getting dementia? I mean, I don't know. I don't think he seems he just seems a little slower than usual. But

Spud said Spud thinks he's getting dementia. Spud said his daddy got dementia. Uh Trump meaning Trump senior. He's there there's speculation that T Dog might be rocking Biden Brains.

He's definitely not He's not at Bing Brains yet. No, no, no, not yet. But he's he's circling the drain.

Yeah, Piggy was [ __ ] crazy. It's pretty wild. I just can't think of how like embarrassed that lady must have been. That must have been so funny to be on.

Think if you were next to her and you hated her. Why did you talk to Bill Clinton's dick?

Quiet piggy. Go that [ __ ] Yes. I've been waiting for someone to kill her. Oh,

yeah. On the plane, too, would it stink cuz like you can't get up. You're just stuck on the flight being like, I'm going to write about this.

I'm going to write about this. Quiet piggy. Do they know? Did they identify the journalist that was

I don't know. They got to keep her name quiet. Do you think it was definitely a babe?

Cuz you can't Yeah, he wouldn't call Yeah, it was a lady. Quiet piggy. Can you hear?

Although calling a guy quiet piggy is hilarious. Piggy. He called a guy piggy. Quiet piggy.

Especially if it's a fat guy. Quiet piggy. I got Yeah. Can we see who this person was? Is that that definitely uh

Can I see Can I see I I kind of want to get the visual more so than the name would be kind of meaningless to me

because that's [ __ ] that's a wild move man. Captain Lucy from Bloomberg. I'd like to take a look at her. Um,

yeah, I would like that. She doesn't really look too big. I wasn't say she was. I was just curious.

She might have had a piggy's demeanor. Yeah, could have been. Damn, bro. That's a piggy's demeanor.

Quiet piggy. Quiet piggy. Pointed at her, leaning over. Although, you know, if if the allegations are false, I'd be furious, too.

What was she asking him? I think it was about Epstein. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a quagmire right now. The one guy who got busted, the guy who was the who was the Harvard president and that sat on the board of OpenAI. Did you know ex like what his emails what he was saying?

I was reading a lot of them. Yeah. Did you about like kind of using uh Epste as like a dating coach?

I didn't see that one. Yeah. He was apparently being like, "I need a girlfriend. I'm married, but I need a girlfriend. Like, how do I talk?" It was like kind of PUA [ __ ] Like, how do I talk?

How do I talk to these kids? Like, what are some tips? How do I reach these kids?

He had to neg them. He had to be like, "Bro, your geometry is trash, bro. You're [ __ ] What's your SAT score?

Itch." Yeah, that's uh it's tough stuff. That's the worst to not only be associating with a pedophile, but also to be seeking romantic guidance.

I almost screamed I almost [clears throat] screamed to quiet piggy yesterday when

I was I was ready to [ __ ] explode, dude. I went to I went to Starbucks and a woman in front of me, it's a pretty crowded Starbucks. So, it was early in the morning. There's a woman up front. She's trying samples.

There's a line of people. There's a woman going, "Oh, that's a new flavor." And the maniac girl behind the register was like, "Would you like to try a sample?" And she's like, "Yeah, I would."

Took 5 minutes to get the [ __ ] sample. What was the sample of? Like one of those foam foamy [ __ ] holiday drink.

Bro, that's crazy. And then she was like, "Uh, yeah, I'll take it." Oh my god. I mean, it was like

that would [ __ ] cuz I was close. The Starbucks lines always I was close to go what what the [ __ ] are you thinking?

Oh my god. Especially to be like even a sample of coffee. It's like oh that's a new varietal. It's like piping hot. You can't even just order it.

Order the [ __ ] drink. It's It's sugar whipped cream. You're going to like it.

Yeah. Drink it. Drink it. Yeah. I almost I almost broke [ __ ] Get it. Get the buy it. Get out of the way. I'm getting a [ __ ] black coffee. It's going to take one second. You're up here ordering. It's 10 minutes.

You do feel like a absolute mastermind at Starbucks when you just get black coffee. You see everyone waiting for other drinks. You go, "I have a black coffee." Gets you instantly. Dumb asses.

[ __ ] idiots. [ __ ] idiots. Piggies. And then as soon as she got out of the way and I ordered, I was very relieved. I didn't have a

Oh, yeah. I almost had a like an airport breakdown. I'm not afraid. to take a stand.

Y was Ariana Grande. Everybody, what did she do? What did Ariana Grande do? Like spazzed about donuts or something?

I don't I don't know that one. I think I believe I I believe I should say I like it. I could have bagel bossed.

I could have bagel boss. Yeah, I think I think allegedly uh Ariana Gr one of them one of some pop divas spazz about donuts like very aggressively.

So, you deserve one. Come on. Give yourself one diva moment. What are you talking I'll get a good diva moment.

Move. I've had enough. Take the sample, you [ __ ] [ __ ] You stupid [ __ ] [ __ ] I mean, what are you thinking?

That'd be a nice uh remake of The Purge where people just said whatever they wanted to each other.

Just Just Twitter. I can tell you exactly where that goes. Just the N word and Nazi [ __ ] right away.

True. Immediately. It's Twitter. That's Twitter right away. Holy [ __ ] I never even thought about that. Twitter is just a verbal purge.

That's crazy, dude. Yeah. [snorts] Well, god damn. [ __ ] Yeah, that's uh that was the closest I've come in a while. Have you had Have you had any

spazzes? Yeah. Yeah. When was the last time? No, you're not afraid to spaz. I've seen you.

I'll spaz. Yeah. When did I sp When we went to Barton Springs and those two girls were like, "We need cash." You were a little like, "What the [ __ ] What the [ __ ] are you talking about?" I was with you kind of like, "All right, I mean, I'm going to I'm going to be on your side, but man, you're really laying into this."

I did it with a [ __ ] teenager. I did it with a WTF. I went, bro, when they went once I was like, "We don't have cash. Can I do Venmo? They you don't VM?" I went, "Oh my god, are you serious?" And they were like, "No, like you got to get an app." I'm like, "I got to download a [ __ ] app." Maybe I didn't hit him with a little Trust me, I remember it was pissed me off. I was getting chirpy for sure.

Yeah. But on within one cent. Yes. Because it's like you didn't give them time to be rude. They was they don't get me wrong. They were

they were [ __ ] rude. They were young girls working like the end of their summer job.

They weren't that young. That one lady one lady was like 50. They were both One was young.

One was definitely young. Old enough to not Dude. And it's like there's a beautiful lake. Let me just go.

Was old enough to get it. Yeah. I was like I got to go download a [ __ ] app. I'm trying to swim in a lake.

It's a God created lake. sight, dude. I see why it was. It was a purple-haired lady reading a book

in a tent going, "No, we don't do that." I I can't stand with bureaucrat energy when it was just kind of like, "You need to download an app." And I was like, "I got to download an app to go in the thing." It was like, "Come on, man. Let me in this [ __ ] lake."

Who are you to stop me from going to this lake? All the way back to our car to get some cash. Yeah.

And I was pissed cuz I didn't have my goddamn wallet on me. I forgot. I was like "Fuck."

Yeah. Pissed me off. That That was nothing. I almost like for real. Well, where was I recently?

You almost flipped the tables at at Barton Springs. That was Christ. You're like, "This is a natural lake. God gave us this. Be gone with your jewelry." I was like, "Matt, they're not Jewish. They're lesbians."

Yeah, that was a Yeah, that's that got me that got me fired up. But yeah, luckily you were there to cool me out a little.

I was I was I was along for the ride. I was I didn't step in. I I was like, "Okay, no cash or no no no anymore if I can't just tap with my phone." And I'm like, "Cash only is nuts.

What are you [ __ ] doing? Why are you making it so hard? It's not 1985. Like, let me get in here. I have my phone. I can do Apple Pay.

Come on." And they were like, "You need to When she said download the app, I don't know what it is. When I have to [ __ ] download apps, I'm like,

"Fuck." Yeah. I sent you [clears throat] a thing. We have to download an app. I'm like, dude, [ __ ] you.

You're completely correct. [ __ ] you. Downloading an app's crazy. I hate that [ __ ]

I've seen another another person who's not afraid to go is Ari Shafir with TSA.

I've never seen anything like it, dude. So, a guy took his lighter out of his bag, of course.

Yeah. And he was like, "Oh, oh, cool, dude. You [ __ ] feel good." And I was like, "Dude, you're [clears throat] TSA. Like, you're gonna get [ __ ] beat up. We're going to get arrested right now."

I'm scared of the no-fly on TSA for sure. I'm just kind of like, "All right." Shafir went right away.

That's really funny. Over nothing. It was like a $2 [ __ ] lighter. It was crazy.

Yeah. And then we once we got through, he walked over to the guy was like, "Yeah." I was like, "Easil.

You're going to jail for like 10 years." Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames.

Mhm. The part the best part of the holidays, aside from the great fooding, the gifts because be honest, we all love a good gift.

Love a good gift. Is getting to spend time with everyone. With everyone. Getting to spend time with everyone.

I love I love spending time with you. And I want this our time together to be so special.

True, dude. Holiday season. The holiday season I make you feel special, dude. Around the holidays.

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Dang. So, as you keep making memories, you can add to the frame. You know what I'd add?

What's that? This memory right now. A picture of this. Yeah. Of us doing an ad read. Take a picture and put it up there.

Go. It'll just be just a drop in the sea of many memories that we have. Yes. The high resolution photos. You know what makes me the most hard is the high resolution photos look like real prints and they really help you relive the moment. And you can try interacting with the photo right there. So, you know, you can get any photos you want on there.

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Terms and conditions apply. I don't think you got out of that. Yeah, I should do that, huh?

Oh, yeah. The big big tour. The big tour. The big tour. Uh when's this? Oh, never mind. Uh, December 4th I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. December 5th I'll be in Phoenix. December 12th I'll be in Boise, Idaho. December 13th, Portland, Oregon.

Um, guys, please come to the So, um, the Springfield Comedy Club in Springfield, Missouri now. We got it. We got it fired back up. New ownership. Everything's good. Everything's smooth. I think the tickets I know they are actually will all be honored if you bought your tickets and didn't get refunded at the other place. Wonderful. Yeah. Really nice stuff. I'll be there 12:12. That's December. Uh, Funny Bone Comedy Club, uh, Syracuse, New York, that's 1219. And then a, uh, the big theater tour starts 116 in Houston, Texas. Go to Dallas, Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, and many more cities. And if your city's not on there, don't worry. I'll do another stretch of cities after these. So,

thank you. Go to mattusker.com, please. Yes. Hello everybody. This is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be playing uh I'll be doing standup at the Comedy Vault in Betavia, Illinois on Sunday, December se December 7th. Uh tickets are at shardini.com or at the Comedy Vault website. Please on December 7th, please. Dang. Yeah, I forgot all about that. There was I don't know where I was recently though, but there was one where someone was doing that [ __ ] where they were like trying a million things or oh you know uh [ __ ] I think it was at the grocery store

and someone was doing something like that where they kept just like asking a million questions. I'm like dude they're [ __ ] eggs man. Yeah, that's where it is. Farmer farmers market. So the [ __ ] farmers market, dude. And everyone goes there. I was getting just I just wanted a chicken. And I was going to put it in the crockpot and there's like a, you know, chicken farmer guy who has like, you know, a tent and this guy's like, "So, how do you think I should cook this chicken?" I'm like, "Jesus [ __ ] Christ, dude. Put in the [ __ ] oven or Google it." I'm sitting there. He's like two people in front of me. The next guy's like, "I don't know, man. I uh these chicken went and I'm like, "Shut the [ __ ] up. Just buy this shit." It would took me 10 minutes to buy a chicken and there's two people in front of me and I was just like I I was so close to being like, "Dude, just buy the [ __ ] chicken and move, please."

Yeah. Yeah. You put your head up a little. You go. Yes. Farmers people at farmers markets think they can like have a half an hour discussion with the vendor.

That's that makes sense to me. It it it's [ __ ] annoying. Yeah. You got to go get my raw milk. And raw milk I get it cuz there's there are questions to have.

There's people that one is like understandable, but good god. It's just a story.

Farmers market is is happy and willing to chat. That's every single person. Every single person.

I always have my kids there. I'm in and out. Every second is agony. I'm trying to get my stuff. They're running. They're like, "Can we please get a balloon?" Like there's like a balloon twister lady. I'm like, "No, they're broken." I see her right there. I'm like, "Yeah, you can't get one."

That's the last one. And my kids are just yelling as I'm like, "Shut the [ __ ] up about chicken, dude. Please let me buy this.

Please, they're like, "We're actually out of eggs." I'm like, [screaming] I'm here 15 minutes into the [ __ ] farmers market.

I had a nice spaz yesterday. You You would You would have liked it. I told you briefly about it, but I I didn't get the stickers for my registration

for my car and [clears throat] uh yeah, I figured they did that at the dealership when they did your emissions and inspection.

Uh and they don't. So then I'm just I was like, "Where the [ __ ] is it?" And uh I called the dealership and they were like, "Yeah, you can go to a uh tax assessors. You go to your local tax place." And I was like, "Yeah,

that's [ __ ] crazy." And then I Googled it on the Texas DMV and it was like they also do it at HBS. Here's a list of HBS in Austin you can go to. And there's one right by me. I I'm in the parking lot and I'm like I can't go in there and go up to a register and be like do you guys do inspections for cars cuz there's no way they do. Like what the [ __ ] is going drove and I sat in the spot for like 5 minutes of like this is how this is going to go.

I'm also wearing these [ __ ] like slippers and I'm wearing this wearing slippers and socks. It's like, dude, if I go in and go, "Do you guys I have my car registered. Here's the paperwork."

Like, get the [ __ ] out. No, dude. What the [ __ ] are you thinking? Don't be like, "You guys make my car street legal, please."

Get the [ __ ] out. And I drove home and I looked it up. I I had to download the app.

I had to join a [ __ ] thing. Oh. And uh sure enough, they were like, "We mailed it." and it was in my mailbox.

That's nice. So, that was it was a big one. That's huge. The day I went and searched for it, that's when it arrived.

Dang. That's cool. Yeah, it was nice. That's really nice. Yeah, that's that [ __ ] pisses me off. I That's

Shout out to Wives for that cuz I Dude, I [ __ ] can't, man. Can't do that [ __ ] If it's like you have to renew any piece of paperwork, well, you need your social security card. It's like, yeah, I don't have one. I don't know where it is. I don't know where any of that [ __ ] is.

Went to the post office to ship some [ __ ] Yeah, that sucks. chaos. I have no idea what I'm in public. I'm

I have no idea what I'm ever doing. I don't I stand there. I wait in line. I waited in like a [ __ ] 30 minute line and got to the front and I was like, "How do I ship this?" And he was like, "Do you have the address written on it?" I was like, "No." "Do you have any tape for the boxes?" I was like, "No." He was like, "Here's tape. Here's a Sharpie. Write the address." I did. Huge box. And then [ __ ] go to the end of the line and hold a 35 lb box. It was [ __ ] crazy.

You had to go back to the end. Yeah. I didn't want to butt. Yeah, that's fair to get to the front, do your work,

has taken so long up there. Oh, dude. I used to I used to when I used to do all the merch stuff, I used to be in the post office all the time. And it [ __ ] sucked. Although, once you get like when you're a regular at the post office, you kind of start feeling a star.

So, I had a PO box. So, if you had a PO box, they let you skip the line and go straight to the counter. Like, yeah, guys, excuse me. You guys don't

I was feeling a little different with the PO box. like, "Yeah, you guys, you guys are doing awesome."

Tape it loudly in front of in front of the line. The whole line's watching me from 5 minutes easy of just taping [ __ ]

It's completely crushed. Trying to Sharpie an address, misspelling [ __ ] It sucks.

Yeah, that [ __ ] sucks so bad. I [snorts] got crushed. I was getting renting a car recently. Actually, me and Sean had a nice little time in our Jeep. I rented a Jeep Wrangler

Jeep thing. Showing Sean the Jeep life. It was awesome. They have ducks. Did it come with some ducks?

I We could have We stopped one time at a gas station. There were some ducks. I'm like, "Dude, I should line this thing up."

Yeah, my brother has a Jeep, but he got like get, you know, they put the ducks on the front of your car. He had like six of them up there. And then one day he was having a bad day and just was like getting in the car. I was like, "Why do I got these [ __ ] ducks in here and knocked them all off? They're still like on the bottom of

just a bad day." Ducks. I had to rent that Jeep and I like got there. Dude, car rental places, by the way, too. You'll show up. And I'm like, oh, I just need a car. And they're like, did you do a reservation? And they're I was like, "No, I just wanted to see if you guys have anything.

We don't have anything. We don't have anything." And then I I'm like, but then I was I had talked to Britney before. She was like, "Oh, I already like let me know." Cuz I put it in the shopping cart. And I'm like, "Well, my wife was says, "Do you guys have like a Jeep Wrangler?" And like, "Yeah, we can do that for $69.99 a day." I'm like, "Why did you just you just lied to my [ __ ] face?" But I I let that was I just went, "You know what? I'm not even going to argue with this lady." I was like, "Yeah, I'll have that one then since that is available." There was [ __ ] 40 Jeeps in line. And I'm like, why did you tell me you don't have them?

Yeah, it was pretty nuts. They were trying to figure out the how shitty renting a car is at an airport and

oh my god. Yeah, but it was the one usually it's all like, you know, Britney will take care of all that stuff. She didn't. That one time I was like, she's like, you should rent a car. I'm like, I'll be fine. I'll just Uber. And then I got there. I was like, I want to rent a car. She's like, all right. Just, she's like, I'll do. I was like, I can [ __ ] do it. It's like a child. I know how to do that. I get there and I'm like, I'm like, she just doesn't have any [ __ ] cars. She's like, she's lying. There's one in my cart. I was like, yeah, you have a Jeep.

She's lying. That's great. And then uh and then I she was like I'm like doing all the paperwork stuff and she's like what's your what kind of car insurance you have? And I was like I have no idea. I was like just just skip all

I every single time I have to email my insurance company and be like can you send me another card? We did this a week ago. They're in your emails. Just send it right now. I can't I don't even know I don't know your name. I don't know anyone's name. I don't know how to find it in there. [clears throat]

Yeah. Yeah, it almost makes it like you hear about all this facial recognition [ __ ] and part of me is kind of like whatever, man. If you can just scan my dumb face and get all my papers, that'd be great. I [ __ ] I can't stand that stuff.

Yeah, cuz I told you when I went to get my license, it was uh or transfer my tags to Texas here, the guy was just like I was like thought I was going to be in and out. I'm like, "Here we go." And uh the guy was like, "Yeah, your license got suspended in Connecticut." I'm like, "That was like [ __ ] 10 years ago." He's like, "Yeah, you missed the last payment, so now like I can't do anything." And I was just like I had to call Connecticut and I was just like

just full spazz. I didn't know what to do. Had to get Connecticut on the phone.

Impossible. Getting getting impossible. Texas driver's license here. [clears throat]

Dude, I called the Connecticut State Police. It was like, hello. I was like, dude. And they were just like, I don't know what to do for you. I was like,

well, that's your guys fault. You're telling me it's it's [ __ ] I did it. I know I didn't pay it. I I know I paid it. And then, dude, then I spelled they gave me my ID and it was MC space C U S K R. I get home. I'm like, bang, got my ID. Britney's like, why is there a gap between your letters? I'm like, who gives a [ __ ] And then she's like, no, it actually will affect stuff. I'm like, dude, will you shut up about this? And we went to apply for like some sort of thing and they're like, yeah, they rejected you, right? I was like, no.

Yeah, that's uh when the the trying to get a Texas license took [ __ ] forever. Took me took me a year of going I would go to the DMV sometimes. I'd be like, "It's time for me to get this done today."

Yeah. Drive 30 minutes outside the city to try to find a shitty one that no one's at.

Yeah. Yeah. Chalk full of Mexicans in there. Me and them are just getting IDs together. We're new Texas residents. They're like, "The wait list is uh can you come back in 6 months?" I'm like, "All right, I'll be there." Sleep right through that. I have no idea. Like, I should have put that on my calendar. April 6th, I got to go there.

Dude, every every doctor's a type appointment I go to, they go, "Okay, swim be good for you. Uh, how about six months from now?" I go, "Perfect." And I just leave.

Great. I'll definitely remember. Yeah, dude. I I saw I was at the gym recently and there was a chiropractor who like set up and I'm like, "Oh, I could that'd be nice. It's like close to my house. I'll get it." And like I paid for an initial appointment. Never. The lady went to hand me her business card and I was like, "I don't need your [ __ ] business card." So I was telling Britney like, "Yo, I found this new chiropractor. It's going to be awesome." And she was like, "What's the name of the place?" And I was like, "I don't know." She's like, "How you going to go to your appointment if you don't know the name of it?" I was like, "Oh, fuck."

And I just I just missed I just I just paid for an appointment. never going. And she like, "That's you got to stop doing that." I'm like, "Don't tell me. I don't give a [ __ ] if I miss it or not." She's like, "Well, that's crazy that you pay for an appointment. You don't know where to go." And I was like, "I don't Well, that's for me to worry about, not for you. Shut up."

People with business [clears throat] cards can get [ __ ] That's what I said. I'm like, "I don't need your business card, but I don't

I'm tired of people handing me a [ __ ] business card. It just is trash. I'm never going to sit down and go

give me your number. Give me your [ __ ] number. Type it in." Yeah, that was that was my bad though, not to verify the name of the business before cuz I was like I'll get an email like an onboard email being like, "Hey, you have an appointment." That's what I banked on. But [snorts]

no such luck. I got I got uh Yeah. down 65 bucks. Whatever. I'll crack your back.

It's all good. Yeah, we'll do it for you. Yeah, we'll make it back. Oh, Lair Nuru.

Did I True. Nothing. You got to fix my back. Did I tell y'all about my uh my bar spazz?

Oh, I heard you almost got I uh the we were I don't remember the name of the bar, but

Sorry, I was looking at your cup. Does it say Wonder Chosen? Yeah. Who wrote that?

That's just what the name of the drink is. Wondershosen. Yeah, that's it. Mhm. Oh, [ __ ] you. That's a great Do you Do you remember that show?

That's a Purple Dragon. [clears throat] Wondershosen was wild. I can't. What is Wondersh? I didn't know

there's a old like MTV like fake kids show that was like there's a lot of really good stuff on there.

Nice. Yeah, that's awesome. Check it out. A lot of really good stuff in here. No, that was stupid.

That's more like it. That's what I wanted. I wanted you to sit here and bomb. That is nice.

I want the comments to go nuts on you. Yeah, Nate's Nate's on his Dr. CB [ __ ] right now. I'm trying to recover. I'm trying to get my poop back to like normal green. Just normal green will be better than my bright neon.

Yeah, it was the drag, bro. Damn. I'm all right. [snorts] So, what happened to the bar splash? What happened?

Uh, this [clears throat] was like 4:00 a.m. I probably I I might overreacted a little bit, but I was saying something. I was

Why you laughing at me like that? You definitely overreacted. I overreacted, but dude was

So, we we went to a bar on Saturday that was about to close. Yeah, I heard. And the guy kept it open for us.

Yeah. And then when I left and there was just a group of people there that were with me,

he was ready to He was, you know what I mean? He was like, "All right, it's Yeah, let's go.

3 hours ago. He never [clears throat] It was like I can't believe you guys stayed that late."

Well, he he kept drinking. He was giving out Well, they didn't happen to me, but he was giving other people there like free drinks. was like in his own little I think he got hammered while like while we were there and uh at some point he I forget I'm talking to Chris Fe and he says something to me and like I I wish I could remember what I said back cuz like not knowing what I said back makes it sound like I'm definitely the [ __ ] but he he he takes my beer and he goes all right you're done and just like pours it out like may look me in the eyes like I'm like I'm a [ __ ]

but you said something to him that you don't remember. I don't think I said anything crazy. I think I was like talking to Chris and he just kind of came in like hopping into what we were talking about is how I remember.

You hit him with a quiet piggy probably. Could have been a quiet piggy. I would if I had to guess it was homophobic or transphobic.

Ah, it might have been. I don't know. But [clears throat] he just came into the topic and you were just kind of like

that's how I remember. Who do you think it was La Mer? Uh well I I was just waiting for the after the incident like Yeah.

Yeah. So after he poured the poured the beer it did that did make me mad as hell. I was like, "What the [ __ ] was that about?" And then I like knocked the empty off, which I'm saying is a spaz. It is a spaz. It's a total spaz.

Uh, but then then I I wasn't Glass shattered. Glass definitely shattered. Um, dang.

But still, you look somebody in the eyes and poured her beer out like that's Yeah.

And also huge chance he had gone, "Hey guys, wrap it up." And got ignored seven times.

Did he do that? I don't. I don't think he did that. cuz cuz he cuz he had he cuz also what was happening at that time is the regulars were there. He was like a lot of the regulars cuz their bar was still open. They were like, "Oh [ __ ] my bar's open." So they were I think literally one of them said was like, "We don't know who all these white people are, but we're happy that

regulars [clears throat] were." Yeah, we're talking like third ward Nola. Yeah, got

Nate. Those guys didn't show up until after you were like, "Me and Fake, we're not leaving. We're not going."

No, they were there cuz I saw them. I definitely saw him cuz like I just I think you were outside but they were there but yeah after that happened the it was definitely like the the locals at their bar were like

you got your black lady on. Huh? I didn't get my black lady on. You got your black lady on. You shout you took something off the counter, threw it behind the counter.

I didn't get my started screaming. I'm not going anywhere. I seen I've seen every Denny's video but they weren't

things go wrong. You start throwing plates and [ __ ] No no I did I just did a little bit.

Nobody pours out my drink. No, but they had you [ __ ] No, they had you [ __ ] up, man.

They They had me They did have me [ __ ] up. They did have me [ __ ] up. Leave was trying to get out. That was It was because of how you were trying to get like scados. Scadano and I didn't like the way that felt. And that's what it was.

I was like, it's they're about to fight you. You keep you keep sluring at the bartender to his face.

I was I didn't I Yes. you were dropping a lot and I was like, "Bro, we got to leave."

Beer out. Looking in the eye and pouring your beer out is it's crazy. But but then I I did kind of peep dudes and start to like position themselves in ways to like

your dreams, huh? It's all part of a plan. You go. What are you fellas going to do? Take me in the alley and rough me up?

Yeah, right. None of you could wrestle me in the alley. You wish you got a wrestling match.

I mean, I knew there's more to it. I knew he was I knew he was obviously unruly. You break a glass.

I was I was a little honestly I didn't There was I was there I would have joined their side.

Let's get him, fellas. Wait, let me let me let me tell it come up behind you going.

So, after you smash the glass, what was what was the [clears throat] next move? So, so I start people that there's like like people starting to eye me in the ball like like staring at me and like getting a little closer and [ __ ] and I saw one of them and I he was looking at me. I just went over to talk to him. I was like I'm going to just [ __ ] figure it out. I was and I I said what happened. I tal about to like you know stare me in the eyes pouring the beer out blah blah blah. And he was like he kind of just was like ah yeah that's [ __ ] up. And he probably knew that like this guy was hammered. He they know you know it's their bar. They also know that he probably like they know he can be a [ __ ] and just

smoothed it over. He dabbed me up. He was like all good in like follow me on Instagram.

He follow you on Instagram. Follow me on Instagram. I like for real. I knew you guys. Yeah,

it was probably it was probably that Who's that guy on Instagram right now? The um the guy with no front teeth. He's always talking about juicy booties.

It's probably Fleece Johnson. Don't Don't worry about it, young blood. What's up with the guy who

He probably heard you fart at the bar. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's a juicy booty.

That's a wet mussy. That's nice. So you shut the bar down. You left You left on your terms. You We're [ __ ] good, right?

No. No. No. No. It got It gets worse. No. So I did try to squ I squashed with everybody like around me that I that was You know,

man, I would love to have seen that. He was like, "Ah, we're good, right?" Yeah, we're good. Look, we're all friend. What's your Instagram? He

they were probably like, "Man, get this weird [ __ ] guy out of here." What? Really? What happened? What happened was I forget who else was there, but somebody else was like, "No, he's I think other people who there was like, no, he's he's not like this. He's this was, you know, this is a little out of character for him. He's not a dickhead." Blah blah. And that's what the guy said to me. He was like, "Everybody here's saying you're cool. You, you know, you know, that type of shit." And then I went to the bartender to apologize cuz I was like, I you know, I did knock the thing down like, you know, glass sh I went to was like, "Yo, my bad. Maybe we had a misunderstanding with that beer pouring out thing, blah.

I didn't mean to do all that. He was like, "No, you saw my boys and then you coming around you and then you got scared

and like and then I was like, "No, I I didn't get scared. I'm just trying to do the right thing now and apologize to you. I'll die in this bar." I started I started I like and then that's when Laamis tried to get me out. He was like, "Come on, you got to go."

Then eventually I was like, you had the 50 boys on you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's is a bad place to do that.

Yeah, I know. And I like I wasn't saying to like kill me in this bar. I was saying they're like, "No, I'm not scared."

Literally said, "Kill me in this bar." No, I didn't. I don't even talk like that,

bro. You definitely said I'll die in here. But I said here, they're going to have to kill me to get me out of here.

I don't think I said that. Don't I think La Mer is lying on me right now. La Mer was

You were close to saying exactly that until he But I But I do think I said What were you saying this whole time? I was saying, "Nate, we need to [ __ ] go. It's time to go."

He was trying to get out. Why are you spending money at a bar where the guy doesn't like you?

I I That's actually a good appeal to a drunk brain. Yeah. [ __ ] him. I'll show it, [ __ ]

What was What was the takeaway? That's the That's the most important. What's the take?

Yeah. What did you learn? I'm not a goddamn Not a goddamn fan. Funny. That whole night you had been talking about Christian Ronaldo the entire night and oh this guy sounds amazing.

I You didn't learn anything. I that I don't like your behavior. I'm not I would be annoyed.

I was if I was the bartender I mean I was doing I made some mistakes but then I still tried to make it right in all the right ways.

Yeah. But after you saw his boys show up and he was right again. He that was Sean Sean told me at one point you got up you went you know who the [ __ ] I do a podcast with?

Yeah. Do you have any idea who my podcast partner is? I heard they they poured out the drink cuz you tried to coyote ugly.

He got up and said, "Let's go, girls." Nice. You tried to twerk on the bar and they said, "Get him the [ __ ] out of here."

Smashing the glass is sick. It It's too much. It is too much. It's not I really didn't I don't think I was expecting it to like fall and shatter. I wasn't thinking ahead. I just was like, "Come on." Oh. Ah, [ __ ]

Yeah. Now he done done it. Cleared the counter. Yeah. But pulling out I'm pulling off like not getting my ass whooped. I am pretty h like I'm kind of proud of that cuz it

survived. That would have been a rough one. It [clears throat] would have been a it would have been a I'd have been hospitalized.

4 a.m. New Orleans. Especially after I'm ready to die and as soon as soon as like a someone crashing [ __ ] kid was a misunderstanding. I don't really want to die when you say that.

That would have sucked. I mean, when we got out of the Uber to go into the bar, I was like,

"Yeah, this is a real place." Yeah. This is the real This is a real deal. This is the Wild West. We're going to have to act right.

Damn. Yeah. You're going to have to be polite. Yeah. It was nice. Yeah. It was a good time. I'm just saying

when we pulled up it was I don't remember. It was black as hell. You couldn't You couldn't be acting a fool.

Yeah. Across the street. They're what? They played a lot of Usher across the street. That's how black it was.

Yeah, it was very black. Across. What was going on across the street? It was like a It's like clerb.

Okay. Dance clerb. It's ripping user. Yeah. Yeah. True. Those are the only places you can hear like Usher and Chris Brown. It's like a black dance club.

Yeah, certainly. Although, yeah. I feel like if you're at a true bar in the hood, it'd be plastic cups everywhere. There would be no glass to smash. A lot of plastic cups going on.

Yeah. Yeah, we did have bottles. I didn't even think about that. There's a lot of PL. When I used to go to the bars in West there, there there was like bars.

No, it definitely wasn't like that. It wasn't like that, hood. No. Okay. I used to get

the patrons. Yeah. Visibly guys you don't want to bother grown. Was it grown grown? Were they grown and sexy?

No, they were not grown and sexy, but [clears throat] they were. No, they look like 17 bits.

It was So, you're like a little nether realm basically. Yeah. You didn't just I would I can't even imagine doing that.

Wasn't for messing around. Yeah. It wasn't for messing around. Yeah. So, I used to go there was like bars when I went to school at Drexel in West Philly that would serve like you could be a baby. And they'd be like, "Yeah, whatever." And I I just vividly remember only ever drinking out of clear plastic cups.

Like, "Fuck, this place is the best bar I've ever been to. I've been to two bars. This is my favorite one ever.

Two for one shot." That's exactly how I am. I'm still That's still my favorite bar. I go to the bar I worked at when I was 21. every Yeah, this is the best. There is I I will say there is something so fun about walking into a bar pretty much stone sober and then just kind of really digging in for like hours at a bar stool.

Yeah. It's so nice. Talk about clocking in. Yes. Putting in a real shift. Put in a real shift in a bar.

We put in this one of the strongest shifts at uh in Chicago the day after Oasis. Me, Billy. Oh, you guys.

Billy Spud and Egot put in a monster shift. Yeah, it was really nice. That's fun.

Egan had to scadaddle cuz the beers were looking Yeah, they were calling him. That's That is That would absolutely kill me.

Spud's willing to put in a shift. I was surprised how willing Billy was to put in a shift.

Put in the shift. It was a great shift. Yeah, you people love to change bars. No, it's nice to dig in for a while.

You dig in. You go. We sit at this table. We talk. Then it got a little guys at the next table like, "You guys want some blow?" It was like shift's over.

That's how that's where you get those overtime hours. That's the night crew coming in. All right,

fellas. You got it. Yeah, it was that was my favorite thing when I used to [clears throat] get work for an electrician. We would get paid in a bar in cash every Friday. That was a big thing. Like, we're digging in. We're going to dig in. The whole

basically like most of the company would just sit at Even talking about a shift is fire me. I love it, dude. I'm going to Westchester this weekend. I'll be putting in a shift. Saturday, college football, Notre Dame at 3:30. That's shift time.

Oh yeah, true. 3:30. The whistle's going. Oh yeah, I got my lunch pill. My lunch pail

of wings. That'd be a sick bar if you could just sit on iron beams. True. Of like 4 feet up, have a little lunch pail, and they give you your drinks and you can pretend you're an iron worker in the 1920s. So yeah,

I'm reading a speaking of uh infrastructure in the 1920s. I'm reading a book right now

called uh the Titan by Theodore Diser, whatever Der whatever his name is. And it's all about like the robber baron age of like 1890 to 1920, but it's a guy from Philadelphia

who does some white collar financial crime, goes to jail, but still has like, you know, cool million bucks. And then he goes out to Chicago to like really ramp up his it's just him and his mistress. He just abandons his family with his mistress, goes to Chicago and just starts monopolizing like gas works and railroads and [ __ ] So [ __ ] nice.

It's all about like 19 I anything like turn of the 20th century high society. The the vernacular is so [ __ ] funny.

They all just attack each other and it's it's the best. Yeah. Like uh Great Gatsby.

Yeah. It's very similar. Like oh yeah he's they go quite so quite so. That's also the sun also rises is very like that. Yeah,

like uh Yeah, I just love that. They just hate each other. They all went to Ivy League. They're all like He thinks he's a good fighter. He's a Jew.

It's exactly that. I'll tell you what, that Jew can fight. I wouldn't want to try him.

That man's rotten from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. How about you try this on for size? And he sucked him right in the jaw. They made up.

And like, dude, they're uh his wife like bucks. He's just completely he has n he's like non-stop mistresses. He's constantly like he'll like meet a guy, he'll be like, "I noticed I knew his child when she was in younger years and she turned into a beautiful woman, so I decided to bed her in the car. It was my business associate, but whatever. That's not none of his business anyway." And dude, the uh at one point his wife obviously gets wise to one of his or is he marries his uh mistress his wife now and she gets wise to it and she just attacks the lady and he just comes and like start he's like talking about how he's just obviously like he's like hold still. He's like, "You've lost your mind. You've lost your mind. What are you doing?" And they it's like that back then he's like, "You could have just committed. He could have fully been like send her to the institution, commit her." But at one

point, the guy was just like thinking about it. He goes, he had to like hold her down. And he was just like,

"In an elder day, I could have choked her to death and sewn her up in a burlap sack and thrown her in the river."

Jesus, it's so funny to be like a three-piece suit. Like, in elder times, I could choke this woman and kill her. I on the on the way on the ride back uh I had ever had fell asleep when I was driving. So I put on post uh post office by uh Bakowski

and it was like out of nowhere he's just like talking about you know going on his route and then this lady he just like

it's a good scene. It was it was real uncomfortable cuz Shaw's ladies in the car so I don't know why that made it worse but it's like a woman in the car listening to that scene. It was like I didn't see that coming because

he got sucked by a nasty old woman. No. Wait, which one? When he jacks off. No, he took a lady.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, he was like, I finished her off and then I left. I was like, damn.

Yeah. Yeah. I had this guy's posters on my wall. Vicowski is not great. Yeah. I just That one caught me off guard. Usually he's just drinking and fighting.

Oh, it's the post office. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Those guys they really let it air out. Yeah. Now it's like uh you don't have any strong women of color in your book. And now back then it' be like I [ __ ] killed that lady.

Like this is based on my life. Yeah. One time on my post office route I saw a lady that kind of insinuated to have sex. I went inside and raped her and uh anyway then I got hammered and fist fought another guy.

Yeah, those dudes are wowing out for sure. Yeah. How are we doing on this? I think we're good. I

think it's time for the Patreon. Yeah, true. So many salacious stories. Yeah. I mean this nothing but headlines right now.

True. All right, dirty gossip. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane Secret podcast on Spotify.

Do it.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)"?

In order: 0:00 New Orleans, Prize Pick, Skankfest, Barely Legal; 10:00 Skankfest; 20:00 Ariana Grande, Skankfest; 30:00 Jeep Wrangler, Texas DMV; 40:00 Jeep Wrangler; 50:00 Cristiano Ronaldo, Drexel, New Orleans, The Titan.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

14 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including New Orleans, Skankfest, Cristiano Ronaldo, Prize Pick, Jeep Wrangler, Positive Sean. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)"?

The episode runs 1 h 3 min; the transcript is about 14,807 words in 433 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.