Transcript

Ep 590 - Wildcat

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 20 min · 18,120 words · 562 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 590 - Wildcat", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published December 18, 2025 (1 h 20 min, about 18,120 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Rocket Money, Missouri, Zip Recruiter, Better Help, Portland.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Better Help, Hershey
  2. – 20:00: Portland, Better Help
  3. – 40:00: Whistler
  4. – 50:00: Rocket Money, Zip Recruiter, Missouri
  5. – 1:00:00: Missouri, Rocket Money
  6. – 1:20:00: Steelers, Tony Soprano

Notable quotes from "Ep 590 - Wildcat"

  • It's the biggest. There's nothing I can say. I was wrong. Don't know. No, don't. No, I was wrong. There's nothing I can do. Don't get down on Hershey, dude. Hershey is It's…
    about Hershey · at
  • It was fun though. Check it out. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Oh, the help with the better. Every year my family and I do this tradition around the holidays where what are…
    about Better Help · at
  • The fact that they came and I was Oh [ __ ] my bad, brother. I'm all for it every single time. Every single time they're We rounded him up and got him out. I'm Good job. I…
    about Portland · at
  • Yeah. My wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada. I keep trying to shut it down. She's It'd be nice. It would be snowy.…
    about Whistler · at
  • That's the move. That's the move. Then just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends, kids, and show up and be What's up, my little guy? Blasted on Coke going to everyone's…
    about Missouri · at
  • That'll that'll blow her mind. She'll love that. Rated the number one hiring site based on G2. Zip Recruiter works fast to deliver results even faster than Santa delivering…
    about Rocket Money · at
  • And he was And then he was If it keeps bleeding, bro, we'll get you to a serious question. Did it jump a little? No. That's a good question. It didn't move at all. Dude, I went…
    about Tony Soprano · at
  • Nate, what were your thoughts when you got when it happened? I it was obviously funny that it was about to happen. as soon as I knew that, I was All right, this is about to…
    about Steelers · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Books & papers

  • Elf — Book · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • Rocket Money — Company · 5 mentions · first at
  • Zip Recruiter — Company · 4 mentions · first at
    Writers. Yeah, I know. I never thought about it either. writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use Ziprecruiter.…
  • Better Help — Company · 3 mentions · first at
  • Steelers — Company · 2 mentions · first at

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. Oh, no. Don't even tell me I was that king. It was not on the Kingdom coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns and small air time.

Bro, what are you talking about? Look at the size of the cat. No, the uh Look at that. Oh, is that a cat? Yeah,

the cat I think is uh Let me see. Brother, just feast your eyes. I see. That thing's [ __ ] nasty as hell.

Size of the cat. So, you know what? You know what the beast does? The beast versus the wild cat. The wild cat is

The beast is [ __ ] newer, dude. It's the longest, too. It's kind of It's kind of cap.

[ __ ] the beast, dude. The beast is longer. Wild cat hurts your part. Yeah. Wild The Wildat is like higher, I think, and has

of course it is. It's huge. It's so scary. Dang, dude. Bro, a classic figure eight design, which often focuses on the CL. Okay. My

Wildcat's just an out and back classic. So the forces the forces on the Wildcat are rougher. You want to if you ride the Beast, you want to claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world. It's like, you know what I mean?

When was the Beast constructed? I don't know. But my thing is it's not as uh rough and tumble as the Wildcat. So the Beast is like a longer ride, which gives it the biggest quote unquote wooden roller coaster in the world. But we're talking GeForces here. So

damn, it's probably built a long time ago. It was [ __ ] 1979. 79. It's the biggest. There's nothing I can say. I was wrong.

Don't know. No, don't. No, I was wrong. There's nothing I can do. Don't get down on Hershey, dude.

Hershey is It's still Hershey has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

I'm telling you, I busted my [ __ ] lip on the Wildcat. And this guy is going to wear an I survived Hershey shirts. You going to steal Valley like that?

How'd you bust your lip on the wild cat? The [ __ ] thing comes to a screeching halt. I smacked my face. It was nothing to me, dude. Spent the rest of the day bloodied up.

What would you rather do if you're at uh Dornney Park? You going to the amusement park or Wildwater Kingdom?

As a young man in the water park. As an old man, you're saying now when you're old man, I'd like to not Yeah, cuz when you're a young man, that's getting soaked at a park as a young man's game. I didn't give a [ __ ] I would walk around just drenched all day. Now I'd be so mad. You don't realize how I went to a water park recently and you don't realize how [ __ ] up you get on those slot. You get elbow burns non-stop, dude. I got off and I was like, "God damn, I [ __ ] up."

The last water ride I was on was with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude.

Right. First turn, I got flipped off the raft and just slowly landed in the pond.

It's also like on a family's The water slide isn't Yeah, it's an absolute vacuum seal on your dick. You get off that thing, you're like, "Yo, dude, the penis is fully [ __ ]

Yeah. Gym shorts. My penis could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit.

It was vacuum sealed. It was tight. It's crazy, dude. I think we had also regular gym shorts on, which is Yeah, that's the not the move.

I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels. Yeah. I was like, "Dude, I for real can't get out of this." I remember people were just coming down, landing next to me, and I was like, Matt came back with a hotel towel. So, it was like this big. I just covered my penis, hopped into the lazy river.

Had a tenis in the [ __ ] Yeah. And then I remember that we had we were the only people adults there without kids. So we were just like riding behind like a guy would be like down the bottom waiting for his child. You see shade flying down. He'd be like

hit him with a title then with a big wave. What's up dude? Is that boy up there?

I've avoided water parks since. I kind of I I went to one in indoor uh last summer and I it was pretty nice. The lines though are just ridiculous, man.

Yeah. Especially when you're like, you know, you're there with your kids. You're like, you got to bust a move. You're I'm go to my wife. I'm like, "All right, hit the kids for a second. I'm going to run up the slide. 35 minute wait." I'm just looking down, seeing her tapping her foot. I'm like, she don't be [ __ ] pissed about this. Told you I stopped a young fat boy try to do the old like, "Oh, my friends are up there kind of thing." And I hit him with the

You stop, you go to the back, bro. You can wait. I was like, "Tell your friends to go back and wait with you." And they actually he went and got his friends.

Oh, he was telling the truth. [ __ ] Nah, man. [ __ ] that. can't be doing that. There's a lot of butters going on in those water parks, bro. And I I'd like to shut it down.

Yeah. You know, I don't have a lot of authority over anybody, but I'm pretty sure I can take a couple chubby 10-year-olds.

I feel like water parks have become a minorities game. Oh, yeah. Big time. They kind of all They kind of always were.

They scouted them hard where I'm from, they weren't they weren't around. I'm saying I think they scouted them hard in the 90s cuz they were white. The whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the '90s.

But then we did control the yard, dude. But but that was because that was our generation of whites.

True. We used to control the yard pretty heavily. Saw some blackheads. You could not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park.

You could yell anything back then. True. Water is our world though. True. The guy come into the lazy river.

We all felt like Kevin Coer in the wave pool just like I am [ __ ] water world.

When we were there it was the hardworking river. Nate, did you get to some water parks with your shirt on?

Uh, no. I was I was I went I went topless. Really? I went topless. Were you shredded as a kid? Like

No, I wasn't that wasn't a fab thing. That was just black people wear shirts. Socks? I went

socks. I would do socks. I would do socks or I would do water shoes. You got to do water shoes. I would do water shoes to this day,

bro. Water shoes is so crazy. Water shoes. I would do walking around barefoot in there is crazy. No, it's not.

No, not when you're a young young man. When you're a young woman. No, dude. Black from a young age, black people get it drilled in their heads. Their bare feet can never touch the earth.

The earth. They're not to touch the earth. They're never grounded. They're never grounded.

They've never grounded, dude. Sneakers on in the house. No bare feet. They're never ground.

Slippers. Sneakers on in the house is a white person thing. No. Slippers in the house.

No. Yeah, true. Sneakers. It's some type of sanders in the house. There's house shoes. I've learned there's there's such thing as your shoes for the house.

I guess I guess sneakers in the house is pure white trash. That's just white trash. And nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house and they're like, "Take your shoes off. We have slippers next to the door. I got to wear [ __ ] slippers now with these jeans." I look like a [ __ ] [ __ ] Or just don't provide any slippers. Just let your cuz I just it it took me a while but it it is like if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them like I don't we try not to put any shoes on our second floor but every now and again I like already have my shoes on and like [ __ ] my wallet's upstairs and I walk up and I'm just like thinking of all the piss I stepped in in the [ __ ] airport in the bad in the bathroom. I'm like well whatever. I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine.

Yeah. But yeah. No, that's that's good. Yeah. I used to I like water parks, man.

Water parks rule. They they're [ __ ] sick, man. What you do? You got wet and wild.

Yeah, at the Schlitterbond. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come. The Aqua Socks were two-day prime shipping and they were going to get

Yeah, it was fun though. Schlitterbond. Check it out. That's what you got? Thank you.

Yep. No jokes. Nothing funny about it. Yeah. What the hell happened? What' you do? Did anything good happen?

Yeah. Well, the lazy river was pretty fun. Yeah, they it was actually called the uh Torrent River cuz it was like a wave pool mixed with the lazy river.

I like that. It was really fun. I feel like they probably could have named it the Crazy River instead of the tor would have been good.

It was really fun. I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your uh penis went up your butt. You're going so fast and you liked it.

Who told you that? Your girlfriend told us you popped it. You popped in your own butt.

You said you said you bind yourself up self. Well, that was a good invention. Is it a 16-year-old boy to pull you out of your

He was starting a lawn mower. He's struggling. He's ripping that thing out. Need to push down your nipples like the primer just to get you.

Is that true? Uh, well, did your penis fly into your butt while you were going down a slip and slide and you came in your own butt?

Yeah. And a 16-year-old boy had to pull it out and prime your nipples. Is that true?

That's Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but that did happen. Your girlfriend told us that.

Your girlfriend told us that. Well, I'll have to talk to her about that. You're going to have to have a talk with her.

I'm going to have to have a stern talk with her. You can't keep telling people about the time I sworn in my butt. came in my own.

When I came in my own bottom, the slippage slot just hitting the water right as you come in your butt.

It was fun though. Check it out. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Oh, the help with the better.

Every year my family and I do this tradition around the holidays where what are things you do every year during the holidays? Family traditions. Um, what me and my family, we gather around the Christmas tree and we talk about the single most traumatic event of our lives.

Yes. And then we just kind of just talk about it, you know. It's pretty nice. Then I head down to the basement

once I get the juicy deetss and I and I process it the best way I can. The only way I know how because I Well, what else is going on?

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Oh, yeah. You feel a little lonely. You've got stress built up. Oh, that's when you head down to mommy and daddy's basement.

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I splurge on my parents' couch. or book a session with a cred. Oh, you could you could book a session with a credentialed therapist from BetterHel. And then

I'm gonna book a session. Therapy. It's a great way to make sure you focus on yourself.

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Guys, this December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off betterhelp.com/mssp. That's betterp.comssp. the help with the better.

Yeah. Anyway, I stand by the Wildcat after reviewing. No, dude. I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend cuz you were right. You were right about the beast. I was wrong about the Wildcat.

I I just heard I didn't know that was Wildat the tallest or something. Why the [ __ ] Why did they [ __ ] tell me that, dude?

It's the largest wooden roller coaster. Also, no one knew any other It was like pre- internet, so

Yeah, you can just go this is the biggest [ __ ] thing ever. Yeah. No one could be like, "Well, there's actually a big one in, you know, wherever Ohio." They didn't even know. Probably know where the [ __ ] Ohio was. Why do you think this? This is a question I was thinking of recently. Why do you think they made you memorize the capitals of the states? Was that like some sort of like military knowledge? Was there some sort of practical benefit of that that comes from like the military or was that just like

I think it's a good thing to know. Why? It's important, dude. I went to the capital in Idaho this weekend.

Boise. Yeah. I just Bro, you can just walk right in. Really? I mean, I don't know if I should tell everyone, but yeah, you just walk right in. I mean, you can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's We went to the governor's office.

What? Just walked in. What's up? What's up? Just talked to the guy. He was signing a bill or some [ __ ]

What? He was pretty nice. That is nice. He's a nice fell. We got a picture together and then I was like,

I don't know. I wonder what his politics are cuz I just It's a nice endorsement photo.

Also, I heard Idaho. He's in a tracksuit going. I was like, "My bad. I didn't know I was going to meet the governor today."

Yeah. I was dressed like a fool. I was in sweatpants. I mean, how could you have known you're going to meet?

I had no idea. We were walking up the steps and these two dudes walked out and we're like, "You can just walk in." Like, "All right."

Dang. We'll do it. It's kind I guess. Yeah. Well, Philly is not the capital, but you can just like walk in city hall. Oh, no. No. You can't actually. You got to There's like a signing desk. You're right.

Yeah. I don't know, man. I I heard Idaho is kind of a wild state. I heard it's a good state. I heard it's nice, but I heard if you go to like I think it's like northern Idaho, the whites I think the whites are running the yard. They run the yard. Yeah, for sure. Northern Idaho. I heard it's very

For sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's where all the craziest whites are. Yeah. Like that and like Washington and Oregon out there.

Yeah. But I also heard Idaho is like one of the uh it was like a sneaky kind of destination. Like people started buying places up out there.

That's what the governor was telling me. Yeah. Oh, the Kardashians, dude. He was saying there's we've we've had half a million people every year. It's too many people. No, it's apparently Idaho is a sneaky I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office.

I don't know how many [ __ ] people listen in Idaho. By the way, that's on him, man. He better [ __ ] beef up his security.

There was a woman There was a secret there was a secretary desk and she was like, come in.

Yeah, that was just a lady go, "Wait, he doesn't have an appointment." You go, "Get the [ __ ] out of the way."

Excuse me, I have to meet with the governor. I'm taking a selfie with the governor right now.

Yeah, it's pretty sick. That's cool. I met a uh politician in Salt Lake City, a guy running for mayor and uh he had I was at like it was like an outdoor it was like a farmers market and he was like, "Yeah, usually, you know, this is like this park." I was like, "It's a beautiful park." And he was like, "Yeah, usually like there's a lot of homeless people here." And I'm like, "Oh, it's sick. You don't see any here right now." He's like, "Well, the police came and removed them." I was like, "Dude, [ __ ] yeah." And he was like, "No, it's actually a travesty. I'm running against that. It's very mean."

The fact that they came and I was like, "Oh [ __ ] my bad, brother." I'm all for it every single time. Every single time they're like, "We rounded him up and got him out." I'm like, "Good job."

I don't know where you put them in [ __ ] Utah. Where you going to take them? [ __ ] the mountains.

Maybe. I was just coming from let him donner party out up out there. [ __ ] grub on each other for a month.

I was just coming from the point of like, yeah, this if there were a bunch of homeless people milling around, this would have be a, you know, less elevated experience obviously.

Yeah. Just kind of a it's a [ __ ] bummer, bro. We went from Boise, where the whites are definitely holding down the yard,

to then Portland, where the whites are still holding down the yard, but they're nasty, evil whites.

True. They're rotten, crusty whites, dude. It was Portland [ __ ] crazy. Portland's a good city. It is a great city. We had We had a different experience. We had a very nice experience. I tried to go back to that same bar and got [ __ ] murdered.

It was That bar was right next to the venue. It was nice. Yeah. There were no cool motorcycle guys riding in circles.

No kids hitting cars with scooters. Yeah, they were having a good time last time we were there, but this time there was the bums. The bums have won. Labowski.

Ah, the bums won. I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground filled with like [ __ ]

Saw a right next to a giant dead rat and then just think the rat ate the [ __ ] and died.

It was uh that sucks. Yeah, they got to clean it up cuz it's such a beautiful city.

Yeah, Portland [ __ ] rules the thing. And again, it's like what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground? There's nothing you can do.

No. Except you have like how do you get him pumped? You know what I mean? Yeah. You put meth under like a box with a stick.

All right, we got another one. Doesn't even trap. It just falls on him. We got him.

Yeah. I don't know, man. We they you could do a thing where it's like you know how they gave the Nazi soldiers meth something like that but then like you know better programming obviously

you want to invade somewhere kill blitzkrieg [ __ ] blitz with job with job applications

take Vancouver true blitzkrieg we should just yeah we that'd be a nice little undercover op just like meth them up and be like yo that's the Canadian border I bet you can't get in there

I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemy's houses like like somebody I don't like. You're

talking about like ordering one up and being just going to downtown Austin, get a mega bus.

Yeah, that's cheap as [ __ ] Go. You guys are headed to the town of one of my I'm just going to lower the property value in whatever town my enemy lives in.

And this is kind of what politicians were doing. They were really doing it. But I'm saying you can do that at a personal level.

Oh, you could for sure. You can just get them on a bus. I'll give each of you a hundred bucks. Yeah, there was a guy I saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around pay homeless people 25 bucks for their social security birth date and all this stuff, take out credit cards in their name.

Oh my god. And cash advances. And he would just get like tons of money from all these people. And then he would get a cell phone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well and hand that guy the cell phone. And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do like a purchase, but it went back to that cell phone. The police would track it and arrest the homeless person. It's a win-win.

Yeah, it was kind of awesome. Look, I know we're being rude to the homeless. We are.

But they've been rude to me. They have They can They yell at me. They scream at me.

They can be rude. But you know, again, it's they do yell, they scream, they taunt. Um but you know,

in Portland, I heard so many screams like just down the street, you just hear the basically the guy that scared the queen. I was the queen. I would hear someone scream and I'd be rushed away. James McCain would grab me and rush me into a building.

That That's the funniest video still to this day of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing.

I heard several of those. San Francisco had the bombs. Yeah, they had the bombs still.

We me and uh I we had to run from a bum for chasing us. The hell was he chasing you for? We went to look at the sea lines at the like wararf

and there was just a big [ __ ] bum. He was a tall boy. He landline. Yeah, he was. He was a tall boy and he his pants were both ripped straight down. So he was wearing like

I don't know. He looked like the scream guy. His clothes were all like loose, but he was on he was screaming at the top of his lungs.

[ __ ] [ __ ] yeah. And he was just We got We got to get those homeless boys some knee pads, bro. with some face sliders. Dude,

we got to turn them to sliders. Now, this is this is the type of forward thinking. We could have the [ __ ] sickest country on Earth if we had a billion sliders in every city.

I would pay them, bro. Every They could make a good living if they just started sliding.

Someone's got to hook them up with VMO, too, cuz like nobody has cash anymore. I I saw some bums with Vmos. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's like you got to slide for me, Poppy. If I'm going to be giving, if I'm going to be dulling out cash,

my words exactly. I said to him, I said, "Bro, you got a Venmo sign. You need to slide for me. Poppy need slide."

Or glove. I would take gloving, too. If they were if they were gloving, I'd be like, "All right, that's fair."

Yeah. I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a glover than a slider, if I'm

That's [ __ ] ridiculous. I'm sorry. I know sliding is obviously way more mask and tough, but

sliding's so sick. You saw the pig guy slide, dude. I know. I've seen it. There's so sliding's [ __ ] nasty as hell. I'm just saying deep down inside I might be a glover. Sliding's sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house black light or total, you know, no lights and I was [ __ ]

Okay, I hear you. Think if somebody was sliding there. Sparks. Oh, [ __ ] Sparks at night.

True. Come on. All right, that's fair. It depends though. If you if I will say if I was on psychedelics, the Glovers would [ __ ] rock.

Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place. If you're if you're on mushrooms and some dude with like ghoul pain,

but that Yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know. True. I like alcohol. If I was drunk watching sliders, I' be like, "Yeah, [ __ ] yeah, dude."

If I was drunk watching the glove guy, be like, "Damn, get the [ __ ] out of here. [ __ ] [ __ ] your [ __ ] hands out of my face."

But if you got Yeah. Psychedelics and the sliders would really [ __ ] ruin it. This guy's a [ __ ] idiot. This is crazy. Just the face paint alone.

This is somebody's son. He's doing sliding. He's sliding on the road in [ __ ] Sacramento. A [ __ ] idiot.

But yeah, we continue to search for, you know, something for the homeless to do. And I think sliding is

sliding is a very good start. It's definitely a plan. I haven't heard of any good options.

Imagine Imagine you go to apply for like a warehouse like right outside your interview. You suck.

Slide into the interview. slide through or just do the sparks on your pants or again though break out the gloves during the mid- interview. Do you have any special talents? Go. Yeah.

Hold on. Hold on. Turn up the like you turn the lights off, please. You're hired. You're the CEO now.

I'm also down with raw raw gloving. What are we talking about? What about a sliding glover? What it slide into the meeting, hit the glove, slide out.

Yeah. What is with What is the Ether War distinction all about? Why can't you be both? For real.

True. That'd be so [ __ ] tough. That'd be so nasty. I swear to God, sliders are holding down the yard, though.

They're definitely beating the [ __ ] out of the glover, guys. Sliders are nuts.

I mean, definitely. How many sliders How many undercover sliders do you think we're at Skankfest? How many undercover sliders fest? There had to be seven to eight sliders there. I mean,

dude, this next one's skankfest. Let's hire SL. Dude, let's ruin Skangfest. Let's hire bums to go to Skankfest. Let's just hide wherever they [ __ ] book it with ship a thousand bums and sliders

with with strict instructions to slide. All they have to do is chase Lewis Jay Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Lewis. Whenever you see this man, chase him.

We'd have to if they if they do uh if they do it on like an island. I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have like an amphibious operation to get We'd have to get them over. We need a duck boat.

We need We need the Hboats from D-Day. Just lower the doors and let them slide out.

Yeah. Damn. That'd be so [ __ ] funny. I mean, putting sliders in any situation is hilarious,

dude. I'm surprised no one's slidfest yet. It's coming. People are sliders. We're going to We should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to Skankfest.

True. Just You notice all the sliders? Doesn't know what sliders or glovers are.

Hey, welcome to the revolution, bro. Bro, you're going to sit around and say white people don't have culture. Sliders and Glovers. Holy [ __ ]

dude. For real. That'd be nice for Skang Fan Skangfest 10 to be like, "Dude, we got you."

Skank Skang Fan Skang. Yeah. For 10 for Skangfest X. If we just send and it's like, "Hey, hold an hour slot for us and we just have a talent show

and just have sliders and glovers." I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that.

Skankfest 10, you and me will have a live show. Yeah. Sliders versus Glovers. That'd be awesome. We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV.

Yeah, true. We don't have to go. Just zoom in. Just zoom. Oh, welcome. Thank you everybody. It's like if we died from we were like, you know, sending a message to the future.

That's uh You have made it here. Great. Excellent. Now an hour and a half of guys sliding. Oh, I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders. They were hitting my algo and I was like,

"How did you keep that to yourself for so long?" I told every single I was sharing them just me and one guy just going back and forth sharing sliders.

I'm thinking hopefully our your algo might have charged mine and hit me with the [ __ ] slider material cuz it's my I was on Glovers for a while.

Who do you guys like? Who do you like more, Nate? Do you like sliders or glovers?

The glovers are weirder to me. They freak me out actually. Yeah. Yeah. That's some type of hypnotism magic.

It was It was too much individual finger movement like together. I didn't like that was too choreographed. Sliders just come and slide.

Sliders are slid do some cool baby drag their hand across. Yeah. Hold on. But who do you

You got to show them the sparks. I show them. I saw the sparks. My question is so if if you're at like a like an all black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better? A Glover or Slider?

Glover. I think Slider. Slider might be good. Ask me. They might be. I think Slider is going to get like cuz Glover is going to be like get that [ __ ] out of here. But Sliders is going to be like oh [ __ ] every time he slides like that's a good point.

But fa no face paint though. Obviously you couldn't wear the demonish the demonic face paint.

No you couldn't. Uh they like that. It depends on the time of year. Love like the purge masks.

I love the purge. Black people love purge masks. Rock slide in a shy. I can't wait till we start sliding. Y'all don't want to see us slide.

You didn't bring that. Did you? What? That shy. Oh, I didn't bring I forgot my I know.

I forgot my shy. I should have worn it. I was right when he said it. I was like, "Damn, Matt's probably holding that trying to break that out."

I should have busted me with it when I'm not looking. I should have put that thing on. I I got to get that. My wife is threatening to throw it out. I told her I was going to throw away all her pocketbooks if she throws away my chassis. I was I'll throw all your dumb [ __ ] purses out.

She knows I'm thugging. She knows. Yeah, she knows he's a bad boy. I'm going to post up. Just going to post up and trap. She just finally got out of the trap. She was living in the trap with me.

You can't start trapping again, bro. Please. I know the streets are calling. That'd be so nice.

I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like 1,000 pounds of weed and just go dumb. It' be so sick.

Yeah, you could like really get arrested. Oh, I know. I could go really crazy. I could get like a shipping first of all, I can buy a shipping container and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight.

Could you zoom from prison? Uh, they have tablets in place. I wonder if we could uh

I I I probably could get some sort of like program. Bro, that would be the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail.

Don't you think I thought about it? I used to think about it all the time. If I go to jail, I'd be like they'll if I got out or still be sick. It'd be fun.

Yeah. But yeah. No, they have tablets now in prison. I just found that out. I'd give you some verses from the phone.

Remember they used to do that on rap albums? Guy would call in from the jail. I'

Hey, what's up, Shane? Yeah, this is what I was thinking about. Yeah, that'd be I think about trapping all the time, dude. It' be so tight. It' be so cuz I could actually get like a [ __ ] bad guy HQ now.

Yeah. Be so [ __ ] You have a layer. Mhm. You have black guys and purge masks and sliders.

I could get a van and a layer misty henchmen. That'd be sick as hell. And I could just just pulling into your own bad guy layer and like having guys just lower the [ __ ] garage door. It's all I want.

It's all I want. That's fair. That's something you should aspire to. Yeah. Bad guy Layer. Just guys pulling up a door.

Yep. I I Hey, boss. I remember there was like a warehouse. I knew someone that had like a warehouse set up and I was so jealous. I would go in there and buy weed and I'd be like, "This is so [ __ ] sick. You have a warehouse."

They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome. Anyone knocked up, they' just be like, "Fuck, who the [ __ ] is that?"

Like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right [ __ ] now. That'd be awesome. Yeah, that's I' I'd like that if you got I might turn on you though.

I don't like that. I don't like that stuff. What do you mean? I don't like you trapping, dude. I would I would report you.

That'd be nice, too. I'd start wearing a wire. You'd have You'd have to have me strip at gunpoint.

You're at a cafe. You're at like an outdoor cafe with the FBI. Like, you just brought in 1,000 pounds of Skittles. He's making Skiislers again.

Skizlers? Yeah. I didn't make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was kind of nice. Made them for my kids.

How were they received? They're they You know what, man? They They were kind of nasty about it cuz I uh

[ __ ] Yeah. Well, I didn't let them like dry enough. So, they were like, "These are yucky." And I was just like, the first batch they liked and the second ones they

said, "Well, I just can't do anything right. I try so hard. What else is going on?

[ __ ] hell. Getting that coffee cup trying to kill me. [ __ ] It's probably the [ __ ] Soloa cartel.

True. They heard about my Skittles. Yeah, Donald Trump's going to blow up your boat. You can be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drunk boat.

No, I was telling you this weekend I uh Who the hell's that? Someone just said hello.

Hold on, Nate. Let's take a look at who this is. Matt, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty, elite hoops every night, and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line. With all the picks to choose from, it's like a holiday spread every night on prize picks where it's always good to be right. You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays, but prize being right can get you paid. There's so much sports action to unwrap during the holidays. And on prize picks, whatever sports you're into, whoever you support, it always feels so good to be right.

Now, let's get into this. Who's looking good? And who are you picking against? I am picking uh more on Saquon Barkley yards. I think he's really picked up his running game.

I like that. Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh. I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny.

Kenny Gainwell. I like that. Uh yeah, that's what I would like to do. Personal story. A time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart.

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Prize picks. It's good to be right. Good to be right. Hey, we're back. Yeah. Salesman interrupted the [ __ ] flow.

Was doortodoor salesman. I saw him try to hit you with a Hold on now. Oh, bro. These guys have been hit with the algorithm of like how to be a salesman.

How to conquer objections. Yeah. The objection of just like yo get the [ __ ] out of literally like dude beat it.

Coming over. Yeah. Coming out with a dude beat it stuff. He wanted to I think remodel your entire house.

I should have let him. I'm renting. True. Yeah. [ __ ] tear down every wall. Send me the pit.

Yeah. Yeah. That's [ __ ] [ __ ] Also, like if you're doing door to door sales, there's got to be something in it for me in terms to listen to it. You know what I mean? Like for the podcast, at least we do a podcast and then there's ads. You should have to do like a solo like five minute solo cast.

True. Come up and be like, "Dude, that shit's crud. You hear about that [ __ ] uh"

Should have brought him in and been like, "All right, give us your sales pitch."

Hit us with the pitch and be like, "Hold on." Yeah, we could have done some Andy Elliot action.

Andy Elliott. I saw a clip of him. Yeah. Let me see. Let me see, bro. If you're not [ __ ] ripped, no way. He I think someone was talking [ __ ] on him in the comments and then he somehow found the guy's where he worked.

Oh no. And called the guy and gave him a chance to like overcome his objections and roleplay and the guy froze and he was just like that's what it's about, man. The guy [ __ ] froze. He blew.

I see him call people and I'm like I would have been that guy. He call and be like I saw you have a 2007 Honda on the lot. I'd be like

yeah I don't know. Yeah that's I don't Do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website. It's probably up there.

All right. See you. No. The guy started going like, "I can't hear you." He's like, "You can hear me. I know you can hear me. Don't do that." I was also I was like, "That's a good move. I would have done that, too."

I only had one guy hit me with that and it was a Chinese man. Really? Yeah. He came in. He wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey.

I didn't know one thing about it. He's like, "Take the middle seats out. I want to see how it looks without seats." And I was like, "Fuck." All right.

Couldn't I I didn't know how. Yeah. I couldn't get the one. I couldn't move any of the seats. I was like, "This is I don't know how to do it."

You should like, "Bro, this is going to be your car. I want to see you get familiar with this. You go ahead."

Now, see, Matt, that would make you an expert, sales. I just bent over and was like, "Jesus Christ. [ __ ] [ __ ]

I'm sorry. I can't do it." How did he take that? He He was very mad and he left.

What? He didn't like my He didn't like me. Just that you couldn't take the seats out.

Yeah. He wanted an honorable Yeah, true. He wanted somebody who cared. Yeah, that makes sense.

I actually got in trouble for that. For not being able to take the Yeah, cuz my manager came over and was like, "What's going on?" He was like, "Your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. Like, he can't he doesn't know anything about this car."

Jeez. I was like, "He's right." Yeah, he got me. Was the man the manager train you on how to take the doors out?

Yeah, he was like, "Sit down and read the [ __ ] pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey." I just

Oh, [ __ ] that. Sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer. Got on Sporal. did like top five Heismans from from each year. Sat down.

Yeah. Reading the manual, it's crazy. No shot. That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down. You need that. Most mechanics just read that manual to figure out everything you know. I'm like, bro, get the [ __ ] out of here.

He Dude, he claims he checks his oil every time he fills up his gas. I'm like, "Dude, you're the biggest liar. You got to check your Every time you get your gas, check your oil." I'm like, "You don't check. There's a gauge."

That's what I'm saying. I can look at it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, he holds it down. He's like go.

He's like, "Dude, that oil runs out. Your whole car." I've actually I was like terrified for everything in my car is going to stop working one day.

Oh yeah. Car dog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water pump. His old dipstick went right in the gas tank.

Dude, it was crazy cuz I heard after his dick went up his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards, which when he hit the water, it jammed it up for

Oh, no. Is that true? It was a deep pie. The deep self pie. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately,

there's a canoli in your [ __ ] butt. E little [ __ ] canoli. You nasty. Yeah, I'm sorry to happen. For real, man. I'm really It's got to be tough.

Yeah, but it's, you know, I'm all right now. How many penile injuries are at the water park every year? There's got to be a good amount.

A lot, dude. Yeah, there's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunderclapped on their balls.

Thunderclap, dude. I got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life. I was lifting weights and all and just boom, I had a massive headache out of nowhere. It was scary. It I looked it up. I was kind of pumped and I saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache. I was like, "Yeah, I was God. That's [ __ ] sick."

It was like a Norse. Yeah. Some type of Viking headache. Literally, it's kind of what happened.

Yeah. It was uh It [ __ ] sucked, man. It came out of nowhere. I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was just

Yeah. If you hold your breath, I swear to God my my face is bright red and I just got like a out of nowhere a crazy headache and it went away. But yeah, that's what happens with like [ __ ] you know if you get like brain bleed and you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache and then sad.

Sad. It is. It is sad. Scary, dude. I was [ __ ] sad. I think I saw my grandom died.

Yeah. Deadlifting. Probably she was dead. Probably dude. I'm getting closer, bro. I'm getting closer to 1,000 lb club. I'm at 820. 825. I'm going to get there. I got

You're bulking. 175 pounds left. The allegations are not going anywhere. I'm tell Dude, I'm down. Get bring in Derek for more plays. More

days, bro. You're juiced. I'll test. I'll test whenever. We talk about it. Me and the guys.

You talk about how juiced I am. Yeah, we got Dude, we got to do something. He's his outburst of anger. [ __ ] crazy. Matt called me the other day. goes, "What's up, you [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] I'm tired of carrying this whole [ __ ] thing. [ __ ] you." He's like, "What the [ __ ] Matt? This isn't like you. Ever since you went to Ways to Wells, you've been a real [ __ ] jerk."

Nah, Natty. I'm all Natty and I'm chill, too. I'm Natty and I got the chill to prove it.

No. And then your wife called me and was like, "Shane, I'm scared." And I was like, I could believe that.

I was like, just hang in there a few more. He's going to be all right soon. I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to get him off the juice.

I could believe that. I came to his house to get him off the juice. He was shirtless in the garage. I was like, oh, it was dark in there, too. What the [ __ ] are you doing in here?

He was gloving, jacked. He was like, "Get the [ __ ] out of here, [ __ ] I'm gloing. Go hang out with your [ __ ] Wow." Wow. Slider friends.

Now, that's not a word we would use, but not I was on the juice. My was juiced up. That was We're making fun of somebody. You don't have to [ __ ] time save, but it [ __ ]

Yeah. I do want to get some mass bells. Do you ever see those things? They're like kettle bells mixed with dumbbells, but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball and it's just like but you can hold it from the inside. It's [ __ ] sick. You feel like Mega Man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them.

Yeah. Yeah. That's all I've been doing for that. Pretty chill. Yeah. I'm trying to think what else is going on. Are you excited for Christmas? What are you going to do for the holidays?

My house. We're staying right in my house in Austin. Yeah. My wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada. I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, "It'd be nice. It would be snowy." I'm like,

"It'll suck ass." [ __ ] actually would be [ __ ] cool. It would be cool. My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have to kids.

You can be like, "You want to go somewhere it snows?" And I'm like, "Yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are going to appear in Canada." I'm like, I'm not [ __ ] shipping that and shipping it back. It's like,

yeah, no [ __ ] shot. Bleak Christmas. I got to go. I'm going to go to my parents and be

That'll be sick. a single man in in my parents' basement for a few days. True. Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off.

Yeah. I'm going to do it again. I'm leaving for Christmas. I'm going to go get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off.

That would be That's bleak. Not bad. Not bad. I hear you. There is some peace and quiet.

There's peace and quiet. But I do hear what you're saying. I remember it's bleak.

I remember when all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out and I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would like go to places and I'd be like, "Man, I just wish I wasn't here."

Yeah. I'm not going to my friend's house. You just feel weird. I go, "Guys, ditch your family. Come to the bar."

True. Come. Come f and then I'm going to jack off in my parents' basement. Shane, what are you doing down there?

Nothing. Mom, I'm watching YouTube videos. Okay, let's get to bed. Mom, it's [ __ ] 11:00. I'm not even tired. You think I go to sleep at 11 p.m., right?

I'm old as [ __ ] Yeah, that'll be dark. What What do you think? Like, cuz you don't have a curfew, obviously. You can come and go as you please. Your parents house. Where do you think the like Where do you think that ends in terms of like your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, "All right Shane that's

if I was up if if they if it was like 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. Yeah. and I was still in the kitchen like drinking by myself. They would be really sad. They would be like, "We need to talk."

What if you pulled a sober all nighter? I think they would support it. If you just did a sober all nighter, just stayed up all night playing video games.

Ah, they would believe. They would think they were narcotics. I could do that. What?

That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a [ __ ] eight-ball and dude, no alcohol, just coke for an entire just a coke binge for Christmas at my parents house.

You should get like a $10,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents house.

I should go just full McGregor. Just full McGregor. The Christmas tree. Just he going to stand your base.

Just draped in finery, too. Yeah, just pocket watch. That'd be so [ __ ] funny. You're just Especially if you only did a gentlemanly just like a gentlemanly amount.

Yeah. And like you could do like Coke like when they did in like the 1800s. That's what I'm saying.

Like just fully right in front of everyone just like self. That's the move. That's the move. Then just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends, kids, and show up and be like, "What's up, my little guy?"

Blasted on Coke going to everyone's house. Business ideas out the wazoo. Massive gifts. Hey, I got you a car. Figured you guys could use a Honda Odyssey. I don't know how to [ __ ] dig the seats out, but it's all yours.

Let me show you how this thing works. [ __ ] I forgot. Oh, that's actually That'd be

Yeah, that would be nice. No alcohol, just Coke. Mhm. Be all nighter for three straight days.

Just $40,000 of chains. It be so tight. Oh [ __ ] I forgot to get you guys stuff here.

Take that. just go to people's houses and talk about like the terms of their mortgage. Like, did you guys refi on this? What was the interest rate when you

Yep. I ran into some party monsters, dude, at the uh at the show in Missouri. Violent Bob Ross, dude.

Bros. Yeah. They were having a good time and uh yeah, I I that was the stickiest situation ever cuz it was like I was learning in real time and he was a UFC guy and then I was, you know, the classic thing. obviously you're going to go [ __ ] beat your ass.

And after a couple of those I was like telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye like is this guy gonna [ __ ] tackle me and beat my ass because it came became increasingly clear like oh I think this guy's kind of legit

and uh and then like during the show it got you know he was he was just having too much fun. Kept just you know blurting stuff out in support of me which is a tough one when you're like dude I know you're on my side but just please please chill.

Yeah. And at one point I I kind of bratted out and I'm like, "Man, security is tight as hell in here, man. Jesus Christ. Good thing you guys are all over the case and finally a security after like this [ __ ] seventh time a security guard comes up and I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, "Dude,

yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were." What? Guy kept yelling. He was probably in the back like, "Please, please, please, please, [ __ ] no, dude. Please."

I think he was. Dude, the guy's name is Violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name. It is. And the guy comes to like start the negotiations and I just went, "Ah, give him one more chance." I didn't worry about it, bro. I went like, "We're not at the mother ship, dude." I was like, "I don't this. We're just in the middle of Missouri. This guy's a

Yeah, he's going to beat the [ __ ] out of him." He could have I was like, "This guy could have [ __ ] killed he could have killed me and him." And I was just like, "You know what, man? Give him one more shot, you know? Let's uh like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now." And then uh but he did. He chilled. And then towards the end, he started just like chirping a little. I'm like, "Bro, you have we have 10 minutes."

And it was funny, too, cuz I was genuinely worried the security was going to come back and try to kick him out, which, you know,

you can't kick him out. You literally can't remove the guys. It was just funny. I I remember it really felt like I was like, "When my kids wake up early and I'm like, "Sh, dude, dude, dude, come on. I don't have Come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible melee breakout." But yeah, so we we chatted after the show. He was the man. He was a good bro. He was just He was too excited.

He was fired Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas or do you think I should go to uh LSD?

LSD would be chill. Just take acid for three days at my parents. Yeah, that would be super chill.

The kids come over and just Yeah, that'd be nice. You just munch. I have a little dropper. You could just do like half a hit in the morning.

You know me. You're That one didn't hit. Those did true. Uh I mean even just once on Christmas day go to mass little midnight mass and stay up all night just watch slider videos.

Dad come down. You got to see this. What the hell is this? God damn it. Please show Bill Sliders.

He's going to be mad. He's going to be genuinely mad about it. My mom will be like, "Well, that's nice. Is this Are these your friends?

Yes. Oh my god. That's Nate. That's Nate Marshall. Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park, too.

I will. It was in the paper. Mom saw it. It was in the paper. His beers went up his butt, then he flipped around on his stomach and smacked his ass on the water.

Oh, man. Yeah. I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be. [ __ ] I'm kind of bummed out.

It'll be all right. I'll be all right. Yeah. You want to rent a car? You can go to like a parking lot and like peel out someone. You just peel out in the park.

True. The local police department will probably let you do it. They would. They pulled up like, "Guys, I got a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out."

Guys, I just turned 38. I'm living in my parents house. I should probably have a family by now.

I should be sliding right now. You're the [ __ ] uh Down syndrome guy, right? Yeah, it's me. The drunk guy.

Excuse me. I've rented this Mustang for a reason. And just just be like, "Yeah, you'll never get me."

That'd be so You [ __ ] [ __ ] could never catch me. Slide slide to the whip. They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the

I'm going to do a slide then suicide my cop. Slide to their gun. Slide straight to the gun. All right, this episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy.

What do you like to watch around the holiday? You know what I'm watching right now? Elf.

That's great. Elf is I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever. I've been laughing out loud the entire time. It just holds up.

But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create.

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I'm going to bring that up to my wife tonight when we're watching elf. I'm going to go, you know, it took a team of people to make this a team of extraordinarily

probably turn her on. Yeah. See, we're seeing right now that went through a camera.

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Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Awesome. Rocket money. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money.

You can call me anything you want, but don't call me Rocket Money. Most of us should take care of our finances, but it's hard to know where to start. Rocket Money gives you the clarity and confidence to take that first step, helping you cut wasteful spending and meaningful action towards your financial goals. Rocket Money helps you rein it in by showing you where your money is going and helping you make better decisions so you can keep more money in your pocket. Matt, take it from there. I know you're going to have fun. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and it helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Guys, we have to talk. Uh, you guys said Rocket Money kind of weird. We got some folks on from Rocket Money that want to talk. What's up, Rocket Money boys?

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I just added shows today, April 4th, Chicago. April 17th, Nashville, April 18th, Charlotte, May 9th, Boston Garden. And uh those are on sale right now with pro pre-sale code SG live. Also, the link, please come to the link, buy tickets now. Uh that's not till July, but get those tickets now. That thing's going to sell out and we're going to have cool stuff. We're going to have sliders.

I swear to God, I'll get sliders. Please do. It's going to be more of an event than a comedy show. There's going to be cool stuff.

It's going to be awesome. If I can get a fly over, have a commercial pilot reroute and just [ __ ]

True. That'd be tight. Worst comes the worst. Worst comes worse. We got a national tragedy on our hands.

Wrong money. All right. You want to get yours, Gard? Yeah. You got to get yours before I get mine.

Hello everybody. Yeah, I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th. No, show your shirt.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. I'll be at the Atlanta Mhm. Helium on January 22nd and 24th. Now, I'll be with my friend

Aiden McCluskey. There'll be good shows, please. Oh, the slide. Yo, Atlanta Helium Alpharetta January 22 and 24. Please. Thank you. Thank you.

Damn. Thank you guys. Did you ever have a money clip before? No. I I think people have tried to give me them and I just can't.

I had one. I loved it. Well, that was probably when you were trapping. That was It was like a teenager.

Oh, really? I used to have a money clip that it would said fat Matt was engraved in it and I would keep like 80 bucks in it and I thought it was the coolest [ __ ] in the world.

That is sick. My fat Matt money clip. He was He was chubby. He was chubby and his brother's in with the fat mat and he owned it, dude. Made it a screen name. I know about it.

Fat Matt. They used to call me Thunder for Thunder Thighs. Thunder killed me. Thunder.

Thunder. I would I still have the [ __ ] I got thick thighs. Dude, some company sent me jeans, man. And I I put them on. I was just like, I can't wear these. I look insane, dude. I look like Conan. That is my goal to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out.

Yeah. I got to lean into it. If I have big I was like dude when I was a kid I was like for real very insecure about my big fat thighs I would walk all

fat thighs on a dude sucks. It was crazy dude I had Flynn O'Hara pants and they all they weren't like none of them they're all one size so if you had jacked [ __ ] quads and they were fat too that

yeah we rocked flairs. Yeah you just I would walk down the hallway and I was constantly go I remember grade school being like I just never felt comfortable

sweating through those [ __ ] things. I it was crazy. I had just anxious armpit sweat and it was [ __ ] crazy.

Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grade school. No, we didn't have it in high school.

Yeah, we had no AC. Everyone was dying, dude. You had to wear a sweater vest and a [ __ ] button down or a full sweater.

I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school. I'd have been bitching if not.

No, we didn't. Then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off. That was

try to do a class. Everyone just fall asleep. Yeah, that was the the best in Catholic grade school is the end of the year when they put all the desks the side of the wall and you have to like just make up snow days and you just sit on the ground and play seven up. Dude, it's the best.

Yeah, that's uh that's true. That is very nice. That was my favorite. It was nothing better. Worst the first week of school when you went back in, you just smelled the smell of school and you're like, "Fuck me, man."

Chloe's just realizing I didn't mind that. Huh? Now that you're bringing it up, that used to fire me. I The beginning of the school year was great.

I hated it. I was [ __ ] furious. I would go in there and go, "Fuck this." Yeah. You were with all boys, though.

No. Well, high school. I had fun in high school. Was grade school. Yeah. Grade school. I would go in. I just hated it. I was like, "Fuck this."

Yeah. I guess as a kid, I probably wasn't too excited cuz summer [ __ ] rocked.

Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to summer. Summer rock. You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. Go on the Wildcat all summer.

I remember though, I did get excited. My cousin came to school in second grade and I remember we just sitting in the [ __ ] like gymnasium just like this in line waiting to go in and my cousin walked in and was like

and I was just like, "Oh fuck." You're in second grade. I didn't know he was coming. I was just like one day I was like, "Dude, my cousin's in school."

That was tight. That's nice. That was [ __ ] sick. But other than that, I used to [ __ ] I hated school. My daughter Khloe is just realizing now that like she has to go to school. Sucks.

Yeah. She hates it. It did feel like forever. Like I'll be in school the rest of my life.

Yeah. I mean, it kind of is. I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, "I can't believe I'm finally done. I [ __ ] hated school every day." And she like every day begs. She's like wakes up. She goes, "Where am I going?" I go, "Going to school today." She goes, "I'm like, dude, it's never going to end. It's never going to end."

You're a girl, too. You're going to you're going to be in school till you're 30.

Oh, yeah. You're going to get 15 degrees. Yeah, true. You're going to get everything. You're going to be a doctor. You're going to get a PhD. And then you're going to get pregnant and that's it. Wow.

Yeah, girls love school. Girls love school, man. They crush it. They're good at school.

True. They do love good handwriting. Yeah, I'm getting like a first like a firsthand account of girl world right now.

You might be pregnant. You might be butt pregnant. Yo, I think he's a buttson. I think you have a butt son right now.

My twins. Do you think your butt's pregnant? You know, it might be. Yeah. I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids. No, cuz you have to deliver too as a guy. You got to deliver on all fours.

You're going to be like a They put your face down. Be like a seahorse. They're just going to come flying out of your butt.

I got to take a test or something. So, they got to poop on a strip or whatever.

Yeah, you better poop on a stick. Oh man. What else is going on? What else do we got?

Just that just [ __ ] V just Gardini getting his butt pregnant. Butt pregnant. I uh I got the link with VBR. He was the man at the show. It was really fun.

We got a Missouri's rough though, dude. It is Missouri's a rough rough state. Crazy, man. I didn't realize how uh goddamn rough that place was. I kept I was talking about the white ladies down there. They're just like

got some weather. Missouri State's right there, right? The university. Yeah. Yeah. Missouri State's right there. Missou is up near Chicago. I Missouri also so close to Texas.

Yeah, dude. It would have been a six hour drive. I could have drove there. No, I swear to God, dude.

No chance. Going to Springfield, Missouri from Austin. 6 hours from Dallas. Zero chance.

Maybe from Dallas. Even then? Look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you that Dallas. I'm certain.

I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you. I'm Yeah, I was shocked. I was like, "Wait, this is six hours away from [ __ ] Dallas." It's

15 hours. It's 10 from Austin. Yeah. Six from Dallas. Yeah. Yeah. Dallas is closer. Sorry, [ __ ]

I'm not I'm just Well, wait. How far is Dallas from here? Three. Oh, okay. About Yeah. Three and a half.

Yeah. All right. I got a little I'm going to do a little Texas road dog trip. Me and Gardini, we're going to go Houston, Dallas, back.

Nice. That'd be tight. I'm excited to hit the road. What kind of playlist you uh you want me to play for you?

Something chill. Whatever you got, I'm I'm down for. What are you going to hit him with? [ __ ] audio book.

Very aggressive tech. I can go audio book or very very aggressive like dystopian tech.

We were doing skept wherever we I was Yeah, I was sitting with Skepta earlier. That's Dude, that might be the best music ever.

I like Skept. Just like British rap. British. It is good. Oh, it's Dude, do you ever see the Top Boy show?

No, it's really good. It's nothing but Yeah, it's so good. It's just like British.

It's good. It's like British belly. I think Drake brought us that. I believe so.

Drake. I think Drake helped with that a lot. I think he did it came back. The OG one I think was just like the guy the rappers from the show put out like they did their own Rockefeller like here's our money here's our show thing

boy like Croies and Mandem or is it like the Toronto people? No, no, it's it's British but I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang.

It's kind of Caribbean influenced. Yes. Yeah, it's important. Yeah, it's important to

hold spaceology. You know what I did all weekend? I watched uh interviews in the green room. The uh actor actor with actor, whatever it's called. It's I think it's actor on actor

with uh just every actor they do like just like two actors talk to each other. Oh, okay.

I'm trying to get I'm trying to learn how to do that kind of talk. You're talking inside the actor studio.

It's not inside the actor studio. There's another one. I think uh [ __ ] I forget what magazine does it or whatever.

I've seen a couple of those. Actor and actor. So one with Robert Patson and Jennifer Lawrence.

Did you? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how new they are. I saw The Rock and uh Brennan Frasier.

That's good stuff. It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other. They're very much like it was m they'll just use words. It's not like epic, but it's always very much like

Yeah. It's just the funniest way. I don't know. I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other. Like I mean it just might it might be the most iconic I would say it's the most iconic charged a very charged scene like Thank you. Thank you for saying God.

But it's every I watched a bunch of different ones and it's just nothing but that.

Yeah, I know exactly. I can't can't replicate it. But I I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I keep forget I I did learn the word reportage. Reportage is a word apparently about like reporting, I think. So I watched the media round table with Schultz and uh

Oh, how was that? I saw a clip. It was cool. It was I The clip was funny that I saw you watch the whole thing and it's just the whole thing was like, you know,

why don't people trust the media? And then it was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone and be like we are good reporters and you should trust us. And you're like

all righty. I did hear the word reportage. I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like there. I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like bro that's the craziest word.

Yeah. I think it's just reporting but you can say reportage but it that was crazy. It was like very much like

the coverage on uh Gardini's uh pie. There was good reportage. The reportage was nice. It was in the Herald. It

was in the Austin Herald. I caught wind of it over my morning coffee. I went He's have butt babies.

Dude, there there was there was one line from that round table that cracked me up where they were like talking about like how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones and blah blah blah. At one point someone was like, "Maybe things going viral is making us sick." I was like, "Fuck, man. It sucks.

That [ __ ] blows, dude. It was It was a big I was just jumping across from like Smarty Pants YouTube. I forget which one.

They need a belly slap. It was just a They need a big belly slap. A hard belly slap for that.

It was just intellectual YouTube and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people cuz eventually it's like some of that stuff sounds good but then like you lose the thread after a while and then all of a sudden like nobody knows what anyone's talking about. like hold let's let's let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular in this and it's just it's really funny and I don't think they really resolved much at all. That was the one thing that

they never [ __ ] do. No, but I watch all these I I listen to it. The thing that kills me is like the Kimmel thing is like well you know we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking Kimmel's job away for free speech like yeah obviously don't take Kimmel's job away. But if just one of those like New York Times journalists can be like,

"Well, that kind of does remind us of when we were being gigantic [ __ ] for seven [ __ ] years." Yeah.

Taking jobs from people because of things they said. You never hear them once. Yeah.

Be like, "Yeah, we were kind of on that [ __ ] for a while." That's all you got to do. And be like, "Okay, cool. We're back to normal."

Yeah. It would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Dude, [ __ ] T Dog needs to chill.

Do a chill. What a [ __ ] idiot. Why, dude? Why would you do that? That was one that like he's done stuff before that where I'm like, "Ah, you can't really That one sucks." That This one was like, "Dude, this sucks so bad."

Especially in the year 1 AK. Especially AK. You can't do the You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing.

For real. I was just thinking it'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died. Be like, "Yeah, well, [ __ ] good riddance, you [ __ ] sack of shit." to be like

I know people what we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs. People need to let go of their beefs, man.

Yeah. Can't be out here. The only long-term beef that I hold down is 50 Second can continue beefing with whoever he wants because it's pretty it is pretty fun watching his documentaries. Although, here's the thing, though. If this is a massive commercial success, who's next? Because he's want he's going to want to strike twice because the Shannon Sharp documentary, obviously, we've seen the tea might be the new oil. We don't have to drill for oil. We just need the tea right now.

You're exactly right. I think the tea, the Shannon Sharp documentary, I mean that his stock flew up tea. Well, no, he brought Cat on. Cats build the tea.

That was a That was like a $24 million ordeal. Yeah, there's so many people going 50. You have any more tea?

There's going to be some There's going to be some prospects. You're going to need the tea.

Some prospectors going around Harlem Way going some tea in here. There is tea. There's some tea around

heading. Yeah, you're right. Harlem Way. There is a lot of tea up there. That's That's tea country.

That is. Or BK. Even in BK. Yeah. Some good tea. Get some tea going. The boogie down.

Boogie down. There could be some tea that way. But that's a major dude. That's like, you know, that thing's going to be number one.

So yeah, we got to go ahead get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea. Would any hear any rumblings?

Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any [ __ ] tea. We're trying to [ __ ] survive out here, dude. Our podcast is we're falling. We're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea.

I haven't I haven't heard. We need to openly gossip about our peers. Sorry. Yeah.

You have no tea. No tea over here. Nothing scandalous. Nothing's scandalous at all in in the Austin comedy scene.

You broke the story about my butt babies. That's kind of Well, that's a big one. That That's Yeah, that's going to hit the web.

Yeah, true. That could rocket us back up. TMZ could be covering that. Yeah, we need P. Do you have any pictures?

No. No. No. You get a sonogram? With the B babies? I haven't been to the TMZ people are going to be gossiping around the cubicle.

The guy with his big ass copies going be like, "Oh, did you see what came out of Austin this week?"

Yeah. I think he's going to have some butt babies. [ __ ] them. [ __ ] them, dude. How dare they talk about our butt babies live on TMZ,

dude. Just reaching out. I'm reaching out from TMZ to follow up on this butt baby story.

I heard some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas. Your flaccid penis went up your ass and you flipped over on your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true?

You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair. You got a nice a butt net.

Yeah, I do have I've heard this is a tea on Sean. I heard his head gets hard first.

Oh, he goes the I heard his head gets rich. He gets the bowling pin. It works its way down.

He's got jelly on the bottom. And I [ __ ] finally the old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park trying to show off for the kids and go, "Hey everyone, watch this slide." OH,

it took a bowling pin. Bowling pin right to the kester. Nate, what do you think about that?

Uh, no comment. I got no comment. I got no comment. You ever hurt yourself on a

good This is good podcasting. No comment. Thank you. Butt, baby. I can't. We're doing all the heavy lifting. This is all because it's [ __ ] cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man.

Talk butt stuff. It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie. Yeah.

Why can't you talk butt stuff? What are you even talking about? I can't talk butt stuff.

Why? Why not? Jurassic butt stuff. People are going to think you're aligned with Diddy, bro. If you go We can talk butt stuff.

No, I can't talk butt stuff. Yes, we can. God damn it. Yes. Yes. Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy.

Hold up. Yeah, he had a [ __ ] probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out. Went to the urgent care and just got fingered and they sent him home. So much blood.

He's [ __ ] blood. Oh yeah. Who fanggered you? Uh, this guy. You know his name.

I don't remember his name. At least what he look like. I didn't want to. Huh? What do he look like?

He's a guy. Just a guy. Just a man. Did you get fingered at urgent care? Yeah. 200 bucks.

Paid 200. Paid 200. Got fingers. He He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, "Honey, you can't see this." Excuse me, fianc. I would had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch a girl. If someone's going up your butt, you got to touch a girl to keep the gayness. It's like a lightning rod for gayness. I couldn't

That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me. Like that was the first time we're like, "All right, here."

That's what they're for, dude. They're for [ __ ] stand there while you get your butt fingered by

see me like that. You're never going to beat the allegations, dude. You paid 200 bucks to get fingered

care, dude. Why would you ever get fingered in an urgent care? What did they even determine by fingering your butt?

Nothing. He said, "All right." He said my butt. He said I was like I didn't check the oil.

He was like he's like let's He's like we got it just cuz you you bled a lot out of your butt. You seem fine but you know just your period. He went to the doctor and he finger [ __ ]

It was my first period. I didn't know what to do. I panicked. They gave him a vibrator.

He went to an old doctor. He came from his butt finger. I had my period for like four days and I was like this is too long. This is a problem.

How did he Did he I guess he lubed himself up. Yeah. He gloved up. up. He lubed up. I heard the gloves.

Oh, and then he came and met me at a bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration. And then he came to the bar with

I did not lube fresh in his butt. I did not have lube. You were wearing the same outfit you were wearing. The same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower.

I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up. I didn't have I washed up. I hit the I hit the hot spots. I hit my balls. I hit my ass. I hit my hit my underarm. You didn't put your clothes.

How did you not get in the shower for that? cuz we were going to meet you and celebrate

use a shower, Stinky. We were We were celebrating your birthday and then we had to leave early to go do spots.

I was I was maximizing my time with my friend. I'm sorry. So, you just got the lube out of your butt. That's

out my butt. So, you hit it cleaned up. It standard drill. The doctor said, "Yeah,

standard." Standard drill. The doctor threw a towel on you. Clean yourself up. You bathed like a hooker in like a gas station bathroom.

Just washed your ass in the sink. Oh man, then you came and threw darts with us.

Showed up to Sh birthday like what's up hon you still have lube in your butt. I I told you I was like talk talk tell my friend in confidence and I second I did it I was like

yeah why did you ever tell me that that's what Sean said he was like you messed up. I was like

got there sh was like got finger walked away. It was a nice birthday gift. That's what I That's appreciate it. I had a good laugh for your birthday.

Yeah. Oh, I was The whole time y'all were coming to Sean about his butt, baby. I was sitting here quiet.

You were quiet. I didn't think I forgot entirely about I knew you forgot about it. I was like, "Thank God.

Thank god I remembered." Y'all went for me and I was like, "I I can't." You could have jumped in. I would have never known why you were being so bashful.

Ah, but then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me. He would have had that Yeah true.

You think I got a butt, baby? You would never. I would never. You lie, dude. You're a nasty little [ __ ]

If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd [ __ ] spill the beans immediately.

At the Noctis yesterday. Oh, you told the crowd at the Noctis, you got fingered.

Nobody liked it. Yeah, nobody likes that. You gave me no choice. Yeah, I tried to do a set about it that night. It was probably the worst set I've ever been a while. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give you

Keep going. That's so funny. Got to talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time.

You should rebrand around it. After after after after we were all up at the doctors talking about it and I went up to do my set, I was like, I just need to know that y'all aren't thinking about me with a finger in my ass. So then somebody went, "Well, I wasn't like,

how many seconds were you talking?" It had to be like three, but it felt like 20.

3 seconds. No way. I think it was like five points later. Just going I think it was like five.

No, you got in there. You checked. checked your butt walls. Yeah. What was it? You just checking for a hemorrhoid. Clearly you have a [ __ ] hemorrhoid. Your butt

I think like a any kind of mass. He was like, "We just got to check for what he said. We said we got check mass."

And he was And then he was like, "If it keeps bleeding, bro, we'll get you to a

serious question. Did it jump a little?" No. That's a good question. It didn't move at all.

Dude, I I went and got a massage recently and when I had my thunderclap headache, Britney was like, "Just go get a massage cuz it's like up here was real tense." So I went, first of all, she's trying to talk me into like you should really try a male therapist. I was like, "No,

she's not doing it." And she was like, "Therapist or like a massage." Oh. Oh. Oh. I was like, "Wow, headaches."

No, no, no. That'd be sick, actually. Yeah. You'd be like Tony Soprano. I was [ __ ] doing deadlifts and I [ __ ] was doing simo squats.

No, I got a uh So I went I was like, "No, I'm not." She's like, "I'm telling you like you should just try. Why are you so worried about And I was like, Britney, if I get a male like massage person and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm going to come home and be like, "Guys, I'm gay now."

Yeah. I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay and I'm leaving this family. You got to move up Harlem Way.

You got to spill the tea. You got to go up there and spill the tea immediately.

True. Nate, you're going to have to join Bad Boy. Dr. Diddy got your ass. I got Diddy. I got Diddi. I got Diddied on your birthday. I think you did.

You did get Didd diddy on my birthday. Maybe maybe I set that up. Start going Nate. Nate dog Marshall.

Yeah, I know. We got to think of a good nickname for him. He might just be butter now.

You are the butter man. The man got that buttery little biscuit. He does have butter. I think the doctor used butter as a lube.

Buttered it. He got the peanut butter lube. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered it. He ain't go He go. flexing your penis while you're talking to him.

I got flex. God, you see that? That was crazy. I mean, but it's better than not buttered. Flexing his dong,

dude. Nate, I wish I died. We don't have too many topics right now. We're just going to call you guys for an episode.

We're done. We got an hour. It's a good hour. That was a great hour. That was one of our better ones.

That was That was really That was a rainy day masterpiece. It was a rainy I mean, it's just a rainy day. True. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book. True.

Or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys. Nate, what were your thoughts when you got when it happened?

I I mean, it was obviously funny that it was about to happen. Like, as soon as I knew that, I was like, "All right, this is about to happen to me." It was hilarious. Especially like I've been zesty online for a good couple months now and it's like I can't

I think I got I again I've talked about it before. I got my balls sonogrammed. Yeah.

And that's by a guy. Yeah. And I'll never forget he was wearing a Steelers cap.

Steelers cap. So nurse with a Steelers cap putting jelly on my nuts. Warm too, wasn't it?

It wasn't very warm. Oh, it was chilly. It was kind of chilly. That's good on him. Give you

Yeah, you want to shrink everything. And it worked. Yeah. Doctor, this isn't what it usually looks like.

Yeah. You can't be giving him the warm jelly. That'd be But I was laughing during that.

You said he was No, he wasn't laughing. He did not think it was funny. Yeah, but if I got buttfingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh.

Did you hold your breath? Uh, I I don't remember. No, he went He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him.

Did your So your babe really left the room? I made her leave. I didn't. She would have had to be looking like she I can't have her have that staring down the barrel

like Yeah. She would have literally when she left and it was just you and the doctor and then his finger was in your butt. You should have went she hits me.

You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that. I did. He He did ask He did ask if I like beforehand he was like could the bleeding be from you know like he was like he was like butt stuff and then I just looked at her and went

it's an urgent care. They're not using the best terminology but stuff. She like butt stuff. He's had butt stuff.

He's head butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care. We're going to drive past. He's going to be in a trench coat and blind guy glasses walking out

like a massage parlor. Yeah. Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain. Go broke at urgent care.

So he asked you what you what did you response? You looked at your wife and said, "Ask her."

I'd said I said yes. I just said yes cuz I thought it'd be funny to just come out like it's like I'm gay in front of my lady in the dark. Then I was like, "Obviously, no, I haven't." But

what did he say? Was he like, "Hey." He laughed. How did he uh bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table?

Did you hold it up on the floor? I stood up straight, flexed. No. Really? No. Yeah.

No, not on all fours on the table. No. No. You don't get on all fours. I don't know what you do.

Yeah. Does he drop down on it? I'm just I'm just early. Y'all Y'all are going to get there to get a colonoscopy. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. Uh, I had to if I

just say it. Elbows on the I had to put my elbows chin on your fist. But he he instructed you, right? He said, "Put your elbows on the table and bend over."

That is 100% what happened. He was like, "You got to put your elbows on the table." And and he didn't say bend over, but he's like, "You got to put your elbows on the

And then I was, you know, damn. That's all right. I found that I wasn't dying. That's good.

Thank you. I could be dying. I could be I could be probably never felt more alive, honestly.

It's kind of liberating. Yeah. Straight to the bar. First words first words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me.

No, I I Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, "Oh my god, I got to tell you what happened to me today."

It took about I had the wildest experience. I held on to it for like 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about. Like I couldn't

You knew the beans were getting spilled. That's also That is a great birthday gift though, to be honest. That's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah, I'm turning 40 January. I'm Well, I'm It's a matter of time. I'm getting fingered.

Yeah, whole squad is getting fingered. Yeah, I might have to go early on that. Yeah,

cuz this this has been out of control. It's going the uh I wonder why they just took spill the beans and made it spill the tea.

And why why is that acceptable? It's beans dude. It is the beans, I guess. But I think there was all that like

drinking tea when like something Yeah. still eating beans. True. That's why they spill the beans. You go, "What?" And the beans the beans fall off your spoon and you spilled the beans.

I think you're completely right. Yeah, you spill the beans. You go. Hold on now.

[ __ ] I spilled my beans. But tell me about your fingering. I got to get some beans.

I peeped your pantry the other day. You got your I got some beans. I got I'm going to make those beans when you leave.

That'd be nice. Yeah. You keep that. Keeps the butt doctor away. By the way, a whole [ __ ] bunch of beans for lunch. I might [ __ ] scare [ __ ] on the doctor. Just eat a ton of beans. As soon as he touch me, go just let like a one foot around. He's going to clock it though. He's going to go, "No, no, no." He's like, "Cut it." He's going to hit the sawmill. Hit the buzz saw. All right. This is maybe one of our worst podcasts. was talking about poop and bots. Oh no.

Oh [ __ ] Well, join us for the Patreon. Patreon. We're We're going to get serious.

Yeah, true. It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal. Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world. We'll give you our takes.

Damn, you got fangered. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane Secret podcast on Spotify.

Do it.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Ep 590 - Wildcat"?

In order: 0:00 Better Help, Hershey; 10:00 Portland, Better Help; 30:00 Whistler; 40:00 Rocket Money, Zip Recruiter, Missouri; 50:00 Missouri, Rocket Money; 1:10:00 Steelers, Tony Soprano.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Rocket Money, Missouri, Zip Recruiter, Better Help, Portland, Steelers. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 590 - Wildcat"?

The episode runs 1 h 20 min; the transcript is about 18,120 words in 562 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.