Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)

What this episode is about

The main topic revolves around a lively and humorous gathering featuring comedians Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, and Tim Butterly, as they engage in witty banter and playful interactions. Key points include discussions about sobriety, personal preferences, and the dynamics of their seating arrangement, all while maintaining a lighthearted, comedic atmosphere.

Key takeaways

• Coffee and cigarettes: the underrated gateway to becoming a poly-drug user in the hot seat of life.
• Feeling paranoid? Just remember, in this podcast, even coffee can play the villain—watch out, Jesse!
• Imagine a jury of your peers, but instead of a courtroom, it’s a comedy club—talk about high stakes!
• Detaining immigrants like a reality TV show—'Who Gets to Stay?' should come with a live audience!
• The online climate is turbulent, but social media detox feels like a hot sauna for the digitally burnt out.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Matt McCusker (Host) · 27 min speaking
• Shane Gillis (Host) · 23 min speaking
• Ian Fidance (Guest) · 13 min speaking
• Tim Butterly (Guest) · 3 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 10:00: Eden Finance, Tim Butterly, Breaking Bad
2. 10:00 – 20:00: Prize Picks, Drake May
3. 20:00 – 30:00: Ian Do Guy Doing Odd Jobs, Joe Rogan, Kanye West, Meta AI
4. 30:00 – 40:00: Tim Butterly
5. 40:00 – 50:00: Tim Butterly, BetterHelp
6. 50:00 – 1:00:00: Joe Rogan

Notable quotes from "Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)"

• Welcome to the podcast. We have [ __ ] Eden Finance, son of Mod Tim Butterly joining us for an absolute jamboree if I got to be honest. And that's the way the seating worked…

  about Tim Butterly · at 0:36

• Finance, how the hell you been? Son of Mod Tim Butler. What are you guys up to, man?

  about Eden Finance · at 2:41

• Can even follow prize pics partners like us and tail or fade our picks with just one click. Download the prize pics apps today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after…

  about Prize Picks · at 12:38

• And then they blasted Hy Hitler by Kanye West. -huh.

  about Kanye West · at 20:27

• Cool [ __ ] Like I wish I brought my You had the cool glasses. I have my Meta AI glasses.

  about Meta AI · at 23:36

• Oh, I just got to Spotify. I have a I have a travel show called Ian Do and Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs and we're putting it on Spotify TV show like watch on Spotify. Spotify,.

  about Ian Do Guy Doing Odd Jobs · at 26:27

• But we're I'm still waiting back and it will probably be No, but we're pitching to Rogan to have me be the chauffeur that takes the guests to a show, but I wear the outfit with the hat and I don't go in and I just wait outside.

  about Joe Rogan · at 29:01

• Works. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up to get 10% off at betterhelp.com/mssp.

  about BetterHelp · at 40:25

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Tim Butterly — Person · Co-host / recurring on-mic participant · 3 mentions · first at 0:37
  Referenced as a co-billed performer with the host and as a point of connection to the guest ("son of Mod Tim Butterly"). Also plugs his own standup special and dates.
• Joe Rogan — Person · Referenced media figure / aspirational booking target · 2 mentions · first at 29:04
  Brought up in a bit about pitching a segment idea involving chauffeuring guests—used as shorthand for the Austin comedy/podcast ecosystem and a high-profile platform.
• Kanye West — Person · Referenced musician (context: controversial song mention) · 1 mention · first at 20:27
  Mentioned as the artist of a song (“Hy Hitler”) discussed in relation to online influencers and backlash; serves as a cultural reference point in the conversation.
• Drake May — Person · Referenced athlete (ad-read example) · 1 mention · first at 12:15
  Mentioned during the PrizePicks sponsor read as a current player the host enjoys watching; used to frame betting/picks context.
  Let me think some specific players I've seen very that play very well. I'll tell you what, I've been loving watching Drake May [ __ ] sling that football around for the New England Patriots.

Companies & orgs

• Eden Finance — Company · Referenced company · 2 mentions · first at 0:30
  Mentioned in the context of the podcast's discussion, possibly related to financial services or a guest's affiliation.

Products & tech

• Meta AI — Product · Referenced product · 1 mention · first at 23:38
  Mentioned in the context of discussing AI glasses and their potential uses or concerns.
• Ian Do Guy Doing Odd Jobs — Product · Referenced product · 1 mention · first at 26:56
  Mentioned as a travel show where the host does odd jobs in different towns, showcasing unique experiences.

Media & podcasts

• Breaking Bad — Media · Referenced media · 1 mention · first at 1:04
  Mentioned in passing as a cultural reference during the podcast's conversation.
  Coffee's got you like Jesse from Breaking Bad right now. You're whacked, bro.

Sponsors

• Prize Picks — Product · Sponsor · 4 mentions · first at 11:40
  Promoted during the podcast as a way to engage with sports betting, specifically mentioned in relation to the big game.
• BetterHelp — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at 40:14
  Promoted as a therapy service that can help listeners discover more about themselves and grow as a person.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wes. I should be able to I should be allowed to smoke in here if I'm in this hot seat.

0:06 No, I don't think you're I I would love for you to smoke, but I I really don't think you're we're allowed to with the building and all cuz we're on their air system.

0:13 No, he's sober. Allegedly. Excuse you. You're using coffee. I saw you. Coffee and cigarettes.

0:23 That's a drug. That's true. That's two drugs. Two drugs. You're a poly substance user. Just give me a word, Josh. My my engine's [ __ ] hot right now. Eden Finance, I know you feel like we're against you. We're not at all. Hey guys, welcome to the podcast. We have [ __ ] Eden Finance, son of Mod Tim Butterly joining us for an absolute jamboree if I got to be honest. And that's the way the seating worked out, dude. New York Comics had to sit down for once, man. It's not a You know,

0:48 that's not the way the seating worked out then. Can I get you anything? This is an elaborate plan.

0:53 Last one here. That's a good point. Do you need anything? Can I get it for you? Is that a trick, too?

0:58 We're not tricking you. It's all above board. My hackles are up. I'm so paranoid. The coffeey's got you.

1:04 Coffee's got you like Jesse from Breaking Bad right now. You're whacked, bro. Yeah. What's intimidating about this? Why do you feel

1:17 I'm in between two normals and a gremlin. I don't know what's going on. That's [ __ ] chip on your shoulder everyone's talking about down here. What a great privilege.

1:26 No, dude. I swear to God, I dude, we were just going to do a podcast and I didn't know you were in town. You told me and I said, "Yeah, come join." I went, "Fuck, I don't have a most comfortable."

1:33 My little brother did the same thing. He sat in the seat. He had a He broke his foot. He sat in the seat.

1:37 He's chilling. Everyone had a good time. My ankle has been hurting. There you go.

1:40 This is serendipitous. I'm sorry to hear that, but I mean, how what a This is very comfortable the way this works. Take a rest.

1:46 Yes. I just don't like being the center focus. You're Dude, you're not. That's crazy you'd even say that. My Look how big my [ __ ] podium is, dude. I'm obviously the center. But I feel like I'm on I I feel like I'm on trial and then there's a jury of blacks just judging me in the corner. What is it?

2:05 That does sound like your nightmare. Judge by a journey of black people. You want me to turn to black?

2:13 Please. We're a little more liberal. I guess this really is a jury of my peers.

2:21 I'm not going to turn my blacks AROUND BECAUSE SORRY. MINE'S WELL, my black employees. You're my black employees.

2:33 I got to turn my black employees around. I liked it better when it was just black.

2:41 Finance, how the hell you been? Son of Mod Tim Butler. What are you guys up to, man?

2:45 Been good. You guys all right in these turbulent online climates? Are you guys You guys all right?

2:50 I'm off everything really. I don't I don't The only thing I do is Instagram. That's it.

2:54 Okay. I don't go on Twitter. I don't go on anything else. You're not going to the protest live.

2:58 Feels good. What? Not going to the protest live? No. What? Someone asked, they were like, "Can you share this thing about taking off work on Friday?" And I was like, "Well, I I would, but I'm playing Cap City and I need

3:13 Also, what are they going to go to their boss and be like, "Ean Finance told me I COULD TAKE OFF WORK."

3:17 YEAH. YEAH. SO, I could potentially get killed immigration. Yeah. No, I'm I'm okay.

3:22 I You know what I think they should do, though? Here's the thing. Like, you know, you don't know what the guy did. He could just be working at Walmart, which that's crazy. If we're chasing guys who work at Walmart

3:30 Wait, did another thing happen? What are you talking about? Two. There's a lady in Minnesota and then there was a guy in Minnesota as well. Yeah,

3:36 but like what did the guy do? They were chasing cuz that's the big question. He could just be working at Walmart, which that's crazy.

3:43 The guy they were chasing. Who were they chasing? An immigrant. An illegal immigrant.

3:47 And that's why the guy got involved, I think. though. I think the ICE was out trying

3:52 Yeah, but they weren't trying to get one. They were trying to get a bunch. Okay. Well, look,

3:58 that's just official. Oh, so you're saying you don't know which one? He was just at the thing. I I really

4:03 know which immigrant I died for would be important. That's kind of like, you know, how you can adopt someone for pennies a day?

4:10 You should be able to like like know which immigrant you're standing up for. Which which Somali I'm I'm keeping alive so I can die.

4:19 Well, no. It's just crazy cuz like so I didn't know. How are they getting early childare certificate first?

4:23 Where are they getting a bunch of immigrants at once? They're going into towns and knocking on doors and ripping people out of homes.

4:30 Oh, I thought they're chasing them because they caught them doing an illegal activity.

4:33 No, they're not playing Benny Hill music. And there's there's no fishnetss involved at all.

4:41 No, there should be. Hey, they're catching they're playing, you know, they're doing that's big game. Yeah,

4:45 man. Do you think do you think the immigrants are just chilling in the street just sort of milling around

4:49 working or or committing heinous crimes? It's one or the other. No, the amount of immigrants

4:54 coming off the information they the amount of immigrants they've gotten that are committing heinous crimes is like very very low. But they're doing like what they're doing is they're they're capturing people, detaining them for a while and then going, "All right, you're a good one." And then letting them go. Okay,

5:10 they're like ripping them from homes and like questions. It's a great first draft idea for how to do it. I guess

5:18 I'm excited for V2. V2, I think we're really going to knock in. I think what they should do, because that's my question, like what did they do? You know,

5:25 this feels like a debate. My question is, and you know, I'm not I'm literally, this isn't even political. It's more logistical. Like, at least have what they did when you're like the ice coming. They should have like a like, you know, like they do like VIP lounges and clubs like sparkler and just be like this is the charge.

5:44 That's the charge. I can read it and be like a second was just being illegal. Like that what they did was just being illegal. It's not like they're like you stole so we're we're capturing you. It's like you are illegal. You've been here for 30 years and you didn't Yeah. We we got you.

6:03 That's like the jig is up. I didn't know. I didn't know they're going multiple. I I thought they were just like chasing a guy.

6:08 No, no. It's like a It's like a No, it's like raid a huge raid with like an invasion of mass.

6:15 They haven't got me yet. Well, that's cuz we're here. It's cuz you have an army of blacks for you.

6:23 They're the impenetrable force of blacks. I wasn't having on. They might check you out a little more. How did these ladies know that they were like going and like capturing immigrants in mass?

6:36 Cuz they're coming in like big groups and the ladies going to your house and then you go and you go, "Hey."

6:41 Yeah. And like people are talking and they're like, you know, they're trying to keep informed, but the footage is so bad. It's so grainy.

6:48 Well, now the thing is this. I'm not kidding, man. I'm trying to form an opinion, right?

6:54 And it's just I can't Everyone's like, "Oh, from this angle." I'm like, dude, I don't know who's even. Like, I can't tell anything. So, I'm just trying to get informed, honestly.

7:02 Yeah. I'm going to X to jerk off and you're showing me these [ __ ] videos of people dying. It's terrible.

7:06 Come on, man. We're talking about talking about people. It's the perfect chaser, by the way.

7:11 After you coming after watching is like either a decapitation or a guy being executed in the streets,

7:17 dude. They perfectly destroys the cl the postnut like euphoria and gets you right back to being able to work.

7:24 True. They should they should do a thing where on like porno the next video is like an informative news story so that you get your nut off but you're also informed.

7:34 Yeah, but then you're going to be way too impressionable and they're going to be able to just put whatever they want in there. I would say make me digest the news first before I get my

7:43 Oh, cuz you're saying if you'll be more susceptible to be like, oh, immigrants are people.

7:49 Yeah. Yeah. Don't try to flip me. Sexual brainwashing. You're right. Yeah. Here's my thing, though. If I was going to, you know, if I It's like, if that's the case, you're like, "They're my neighbors." I'm like, "No, these are hardworking guys, so I'm coming and take them all out." If I was a 40-y old white lady,

8:03 do you think me showing up as that is going to really help? Or should I me and my friends get together and work up some sort of like deception, you know, obstucation,

8:12 like a home alone obstacle course? No, I'm saying like we all wear the gear. It's [ __ ] bro, poncho, mountain bike.

8:20 There's 40 of us. They [ __ ] the ice sergeant goes, "Okay, did it cool again?"

8:27 I like that Scooby-Doo. Yeah. We would GOT THESE IMMIGRANTS IF IT WASN'T FOR THESE DAMN KIDS and 40-year-old mom.

8:35 I haven't picked a side yet officially. I'm just thinking like, you know, how do you maximize? And right now I'm like that would actually work rather than like

8:41 cuz you're just a [ __ ] old white light lady. You haven't [ __ ] picked a side yet?

8:45 I haven't I can't tell from the footage. I'm looking at the footage. I'm I need all the angles.

8:49 You need the footage. They're not just I want to look at the general information of what's going on.

8:58 Oh, okay. I need to see all the angles. I've I've seen 270° so FAR until I reach 360. I'm out.

9:12 No, it's generally bad to shoot American citizens, I would say. Yeah. I don't want to start it up here.

9:18 Probably a bad idea. I'm glad we finally got you. Unless, yes, you know, they committed. I need to see the crime.

9:27 If they truly are, it depends on your news sources. I especially I I explicitly read the judge report.

9:32 But isn't that like they're all I read judge report, too. I don't read I don't read any news.

9:39 Damn it. WE GOT the [ __ ] is happening. I don't know what's going on over there.

9:52 We're going to have an open-minded conversation. It's not going to work for the numbers.

9:56 You pick a side, I pick a side, and then we argue. All right. And my side is drudge no matter what.

10:03 I love that little guy. Numbers are down. How you been otherwise? I know you want to get into politics. That was my fault. I'm scared as [ __ ]

10:18 Can we dim all the lights and get a spotlight on him? I think that would be great to make him feel more comfortable.

10:25 I serious right into an iceberg. I won't It won't happen. That's my fault. I'm just waiting for you to pull out and my next point.

10:34 No, it's a treat to have you, man. You look great. I'm great. Thanks, man. Thank you.

10:38 Lutterly. How you doing, man? I'll take the chilling. I can tell, man. You got the class.

10:42 Is it working or is it too much? No, you're chilling. No, it's It makes me wish I brought my sunglasses.

10:48 Why? So you could be the second sunglasses guy. Crazy. So we could be in solidarity.

10:54 So we could be Blues Brothers together cuz you said you weren't sure if it's working and I'm saying it's working so well. You make me want to do it.

11:00 Yeah. But then you completely redirected all the focus back to yourself, which makes me think that you're not uncomfortable in the hot seat and that you're actually kind of getting a sexual thrill from it. You put a lot of weird sex stuff on me and I think it's subconscious in your brain.

11:13 Well, I think he's he's been put a lot of weird sex stuff in the air this whole episode so far.

11:17 Whoa. Thank you. I've never been a weird sex stuff guy. Mhm. I think I have trashed the vibe. I'll take full responsibility.

11:26 Can I be honest? Sure. I love the vibe. All right, man. You heard it. Don't change a single thing about this.

11:34 Appreciate it. I was just fishing for a compliment on you. No, you're doing great. You're nailing it.

11:39 Yeah, man. So, I don't know what else is going on. Um, this episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. The big game is almost here, and there's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than Prize Picks, where it always feels good to be right. And since the big game is right around the corner, that also means that it's your last chance to get into the football action before next season. So, close the season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $ five dollar.

12:09 Let me think some specific players I've seen very that play very well. I'll tell you what, I've been loving watching Drake May [ __ ] sling that football around for the New England Patriots. Will he win the big game? I don't know. And hey, it's good to share with the new social feeds feature. You can share prize picks with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. Copy lineups you like or use them as inspiration for your own picks. You can even follow prize pics partners like us and tail or fade our picks with just one click. Download the prize pics apps today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right. I don't know. You know what? I I you know what I want to talk to you about actually and everybody got off coffee. I can't I'm more of a I'm the

13:03 biggest advocate of no caffeine. I know it's not a popular opinion. Now, how long have you been off coffee?

13:08 Uh about a month maybe. How do you How did you feel initially? Awful. Awful. So bad.

13:15 I've looked I've looked into the But here's the thing though. Coffee apparently and again everyone's different. I'm real sensitive to caffeine. Caffeine, there's it's all anecdotal. Destroys or severely inhibits um what's it called? Divergent thinking. So like creative thinking,

13:30 convergent thinking, it's great. If you want to focus on a task and get it done, it'll get you from A to B. But if you want to like subconsciously kind of like pull from like a bunch of weird stuff in your brain and just create a brand new idea,

13:41 I swear to God, dude, I think cat and I I felt this personally. I was like, dude, I'm not coming up with any ideas. Got off the juice. I feel so much better. Looked it up. A ton of people said that. crushes your creativity. Slave juice.

13:54 Who said this? It's online like online forums. It's It's anecdotal. And then they did a coffee coffee whatever. Some company did a study.

14:01 I need to see all the angles. No, you want the met analysis. What What is What does the drugs report say about caffeine? That's I think that's the most important thing that No,

14:12 it's got to be Patriot coffee. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I I dude I I swear to God though, like I was like I just felt like dead and then I like went off it. I have way more energy. It's I swear to God, I think coffee up. Coffee is a total sign up.

14:24 Were you like super irritable when you got off? Yeah, I was [ __ ] so mad. Super mean for like a couple days. It was all good.

14:30 But I was like [ __ ] up the first day. But then I looked up the study and they were like cuz apparently there's enough anecdotal evidence where they did a study to prove that it doesn't mess with like, you know, whatever, however your brain does creative stuff. And they were like, "Nope, we gave people a single dose of caffeine. They were fine." It's like, dude, that's the biggest [ __ ] Like you coffee like I don't dream when I'm when I have caffeine.

14:50 I do. Do you do you have vivid dreams? Well, you might be not as sensitive. That's the thing. Um I desensitize myself with how much coffee I drink,

15:00 right? You know, maybe I I don't know. I mean, could be. I I could drink this and be able to go to bed. Really? That's crazy.

15:07 Have you always been like that? I've always been like a night owl and I've always like stayed up super late and then I'll I sleep in shifts and then I'll take like a nap during the day and the coffee just helps me to like jog everything loose. I was on so many more cups, but now I'm maybe on like two cups a day, but at one point I was on like five or six

15:29 and I've like cut back to where I'll have one in the morning then one like in the evening. No, it's fine.

15:34 That's crazy. Yeah, it does. But I carry I carry a coffee with me all day. I've noticed that.

15:39 And I do like sips. I was worried. So I don't drink an entire thing. The entire thing lasts me like throughout the day. You know what I mean?

15:46 So it's like a security blanket almost kind of. It's a binky. It's a I should do the same thing. I would keep one ready at all times and just cuz it's again everyone's the whole thing I would say is that like it depends how sensitive you are to caffeine because if I have caffeine at like noon, I'm up till midnight.

16:01 Well, I'm not slugging one. I'm I'm like sipping throughout the day. You know what I mean?

16:05 Gotcha. So, I don't know what the effects of that are. I don't really find any like uh crazy like um

16:12 You think your divergent thinking is totally fine? I think I am divergent thinking good.

16:16 I was going to say ironically like when I every day I wake up, go to a coffee shop and write and I get a lot done.

16:22 Telling you, imagine if you were disconnected though from the slave juice. Imagine that.

16:28 Maybe the slave juice is what I need. I'm excited for Matt to find the perfect thing to deprive yourself of and then as soon as the results are in, I'm going to eliminate that from my life.

16:37 What do you mean? Uh I don't know. I thought about doing the semen retention thing for a while.

16:42 That's a dead end. I thanks for running. Thanks for running. All right, back back on porn, baby.

16:50 You can't not come. Turns out well it's you have to that's how you shoot up a place

16:56 physiologically like for your body because if you if you get too backed up it can you can get epidommititis.

17:03 So I've had chronic epidmmitisitis. Sean were you not coming when you had epiditis?

17:07 When you come it like cleans out your pipes. Hold on. How did you get epidmmitis?

17:10 I jumped a lot. He was coming all the time. Really? Were you edged? Uh no. I I got I I've had a lot of ball problems my entire life. Yeah. Yeah. I had a testicular torsion when I was twisted.

17:26 Yeah. The tissue went around it and I almost lost it. So I had to have surgery and ever since then I've had like chronic

17:31 nuts. It's like I have to get shots in my spine every once in a while because of my epidomitis.

17:37 You have to get back shots for your balls. So [ __ ] up. I'M HERE DOCTOR. I'M NOT A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL. I don't care.

17:50 Ian, it says you're in here for a head. How's your spine related to your balls?

17:54 Oh, dude. Everything is related to your spine. So, everything is So, everything like if you get a lower back injury, your nut can hurt because of the certain like wires that go from your spine into different parts of your body. And

18:07 what's the shot they're giving you? Um, a uh like a steroid shot in like a certain part of my spine

18:13 in like the ball wire in your spine goes you you have bonds. I had sick I had epidmmititis so bad that it it was so inflamed that like sometimes I couldn't walk and they were like look like if this doesn't work we're going to have to remove your epidomite your your epidmus and I was like well that would suck

18:30 that's like basically irreversible uh vasectomy that's like the carburetor for the [ __ ] Yeah. Oh yeah, it's important. Very important.

18:38 That is a funny medical condition to have to be like, "Yeah, my balls are so big I can't walk. My balls are huge." Man,

18:45 I left my wheelbarrow at home, brother. I didn't read the article, but my friend sent me an article about guys, I believe in Michigan, who were injecting their balls with something to make them gigantic. And there were just these gay guys that inject their balls, I maybe, and they would just do deadlifts in like tight pants and just like a football. Like, it was insane. I think they died from that

19:08 because you can you can dick max with I think Botox. If you shoot Botox in your dick, you can dick max. I'm all I'm looks max all the way right now.

19:16 What's Looks Max, dude. It's you got to watch Clavicle or whatever. What's Clav? I don't know how to say his name.

19:22 Are you not familiar with the [ __ ] Miami Avengers? All I know about you. I'm so in the loop on so many online things.

19:29 All I know about him is that he this is the first time I heard about him is he went to the club and they were playing Hy Hitler. Yes.

19:33 In my That's So that's that's what I know. I thought you were talking about me because you were pointing down.

19:38 No, I know. Good song. When I'm alone, dude. Dude, the Miami Avengers are under fire right now. It's been a tough time.

19:45 Who are these guys? You don't You know Andrew Tate? Yes. Andrew Tate. Tristan, his brother.

19:50 Mhm. Dude, you don't know Andrew's brother? Come on, dude. Tristan. Him and Jay Waller are [ __ ] boys.

19:55 Who's Jay Waller? Who are these people? Jer weird internet. Neo Manosphere. Yeah, they're like manosphere guys, but it's Tristan Tristan Andrew Clvicular who's a looks maxer guy who like hits his jawline with a hammer to make it more pronounced.

20:13 And uh he's doing like weighted mewing. Oh god. Yeah. And uh [ __ ] Fuentes, Nick Fuentes all went out together. It's a cool night out. A couple of the influencers sick [ __ ] bros went to a Miami nightclub.

20:27 Perfect. And then they blasted Hy Hitler by um Kanye West. Uh-huh. And they got the whole everyone got in trouble

20:34 and then they started throwing each other under the bus. Yeah. It's a bad look to be in a nightclub in Miami and singing Hy Hitler.

20:40 Yeah. Fair. Fair. All right. All right. So, they got in trouble. Then they started throwing each other under the bus as to like who really put it on, who didn't like it. It was

20:54 Oh, you mean guys that smash their jaws and and uh talk the way they do wouldn't be loyal to each other. Crazy. I don't believe it.

21:02 I think the one guy was the clavicular was left sterile from uh the uh chemical usage like the whatever [ __ ] peptides or steroids.

21:10 TRT will do it. If you're on TRT too long, you can your balls, your sperm. Yeah, but don't if if you start taking TRT, don't you have to be on it for the rest of your life or else you like hair products and stuff like don't you

21:21 I'm actually getting off testosterone. You're on it. You're stepping down. No, I'm even naturally I'm I'm just [ __ ] blocking all it gets in your way. Yeah, it starts like sending signals to your brain that you need to [ __ ] nut and it's just like nah, I'm not about that [ __ ]

21:34 really. Well, you're a medical orders. You So, how much do you have to nut to keep your epidmus?

21:39 It's it's the the shots have helped so much. So, it's like not a issue. I have to be careful about if I like tie it off.

21:48 Like if I'm having sex and I'm like, "Oh god, I'm going to come." Don't. Like that can inflame it.

21:53 No. Yeah. You're never allowed to think about baseball. Yeah, bro. Don't tell me that I'm thinking about baseball. I love the 93 Phillies.

22:04 You got to let it fly. You just got to let it fly. Doctor's orders got to fly. Yeah.

22:08 But I haven't been, dude. New year, new me, no porn. I have only jerked off maybe like three times only to memories.

22:17 Uh, and I am not uh doing that. So, I guess maybe I'm unintentionally seaman retention. Like, do you ever do you ever unintentionally um uh what's that called when you don't eat till certain hours?

22:31 No. Intermittent fasting. Do you ever unintentionally do that? Right. Yeah, I've done it.

22:36 Yeah. I actually wake up and eat every morning early as hell, but I know. I can't I feel like I'll get sick if I like eat right away. Yeah.

22:42 No, I eat for I eat like 6:30 in the morning. What? Yeah. I crush like a lot of food right away.

22:46 You have kids? That's some like dad stuff. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get the day started and all that. Yeah. I crush eggs first thing in the morning.

22:52 Really? Yeah. You look uh dude everyone, you know, thanks. Appreciate it. The eggs aren't hot. Shouldn't you take that shirt off? Oh, sorry.

23:04 Retention over. Someone's looking for a new memory to turn off. Real quick memories.

23:20 What prompted the [ __ ] SR? What are your guys' New Year's resolutions? Oh, mine is just mine is very simple. Mine's just to take more pictures.

23:28 Take pics. Yeah. Yeah. I never I never people or selfies. Just just of my life. I realize I never take any pictures and I've done a lot of cool [ __ ]

23:36 Like I I wish I brought my You had the cool glasses. I have my Meta AI glasses. I hate those.

23:40 I wish I got one just to take a picture of this moment from this angle, but I think those are evil. Just take your phone out and do it.

23:45 D. You know what? I I like the Meta though. Meta is sick. I think it's evil. I think it's terrible. What if you want to make content for Rainb?

23:54 How else are you going to make [ __ ] content for Rain? I'm trying to get that Ky sponsorship.

23:58 [ __ ] are you talking about, dude? I'm about to [ __ ] an entire industry. I think it's terrible.

24:04 I can film myself pretending to swing on an old man. Yeah, the AI is bad though. I like asking questions. It's not good. It's AI.

24:17 I've never used AI or chat GPT rules. I used it for my whole last special. Did you also use it to inform your opinions on ICE at the time?

24:30 I literally do ask Croc. I'm like, "What's up with the news? What's the most advantageous financial position like I can take financially? What will make you the most money?"

24:39 And that that helps. Crock was like, "Use the angle." I was like, "For sure. I want the straight source. What do the billionaires think of the news without the advertisers getting in the way?

24:49 There you go. Give me the straight prop. Yeah. So, you've never used [ __ ] GBT or none of that stuff.

24:55 It's crazy, bro. And when I'm talking to friends, I'm like, I don't know. Ask chat GPT. I'm like, no, I'm asking you. Like, that's what this is. We're supposed to talk.

25:03 You don't talk to anybody who knows anything though. I know one of us do. I get what he's saying. It's It's nice to be in a conversation and you're arguing and you're both wrong and you don't know it.

25:11 No, I wouldn't. Yeah. I was arguing with a friend and he just sent me a bunch of chat GBT and I'm like no use your own thoughts. He's like these are my thoughts but chat GPT makes it more organized.

25:20 No, you're an idiot. Yeah. I mean I I don't I don't see the big deal about it. It's like Google. It's like being like I'm not going to use Google. It's just super Google.

25:28 Yeah, but you use Google and you can discern and like read different things and form your own opinions.

25:34 Dude, how many chat you actually click? You should click two maybe. No, I screenshot the first result. said that

25:42 I put it in my database which organizes and analyzes it. No, I just I I don't know. I I I don't like

25:48 I I hear you. It's It's It would be sad to think that like I listen to um like music on YouTube for like background music and I do get bummed out like is this [ __ ] AI music?

25:56 Yeah. Just numbing out the AI. That kind of I try to find videos of a dude playing the song.

26:00 Yeah. Because it kind of pisses me off. But even that could be AI at this point.

26:03 [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. How do you know anything's like we're like this close to like not being able to put like

26:07 Yeah, dude. Dude, you should use Spotify platform that doesn't give money to artists.

26:11 True. Why would you do that, dude? Which is Spotify? Oh. Oh, [ __ ] But it's convenient and eventually they will make money.

26:21 Spotify gives money to artists. They give it to like five of them. They give it to five of us.

26:27 Oh, I just got to Spotify. I have a I have a travel show called Ian Do and Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs and we're putting it on Spotify TV show like watch on Spotify. Spotify, you're great.

26:39 Spotify has a good sense of humor. They're like Swedes, aren't they? I think they're Swedes. Swedes have good sense of humor,

26:45 dude. Tell me about the show. Tell me about the show. I saw this and I was kind of pumped on this.

26:48 Oh, yeah. So, all the towns I go and do standup in, I uh find someone to teach me how to do their job and then I do their job. and it's called Ian Do Guy doing odd jobs. The episode's coming out next week. I got my tattoo license in Wisconsin and I tattooed a guy. And then uh I also made pizza in Oklahoma City. I've like cut hair. I got tackled by a bunch of police like service training canines. Um

27:17 Oh, I thought you were Man, those dogs had a [ __ ] blast. I bet. I'm a dog and I get to attack people. I can't imagine a better target than he

27:24 No, they they literally I [ __ ] on the Yeah, he really he really bit down on you. HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, NO [ __ ] I'M IN PAIN."

27:33 THE most biteable man in the world. I know. Was it Malinawa? This guy has huge balls.

27:38 Oh. Mhm. Mhm. Damn, that's sick. You got to wear the suit. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get to like threaten one of them like you're going to get them or they just like

27:45 No, they had me run, but I said things like uh you'll never get me coppers or like I'm going TO TALK TO A WHITE shirt and then they they tackled me and I didn't like it. They gave me the thinner soup, but they didn't tell me that.

27:58 What? Yeah. So, you feel it more. Imagine going to your barber for a haircut and it's like, "Hey, just as a onetime thing, this guy's going to do it instead today." You're just like, "Fuck."

28:06 Oh, yeah. I [ __ ] this guy up. He walked out so lumpy. It was great. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. What was the tattoo?

28:15 Uh, I tattooed that S symbol on this guy's leg. You know that symbol? Undeniably sick. I was playing in my greatest week this year. Oh, and this weekend I'm going to be a pit boss at Terry Blacks and I'm going to run security at the mother ship. I'm going to I'm going to do I'm going to do jiu-jitsu with the Marines in the morning and then they're going to put me broadcast that there's going to be a security lapse for one night only this weekend.

28:42 Libert is chartering a jet right now. Just all men coming shirtless. There's a chance.

28:48 And there's a possibility we did pitch. Elephant graveyard is activating his audience. Yeah, it looks like a penguin and they're all so slowly marching.

28:58 They're going to attack me like canines. But but we we're I I'm still waiting back and it will probably be No, but we're pitching to Rogan to have me be the chauffeur that takes the guests to a show, but I wear the outfit with the hat and I don't go in and I just wait outside.

29:13 Are you a Serbian? It sounds like a Serbian terrorist plot. Also, the show get into his inner headquarters.

29:20 And then next week, next week I'm piloting a commercial flight from New York to LA.

29:24 You guys, do you guys know the Iceman? I just need to get close enough to be dead. It's great.

29:32 Also, the show NEW YORK IS INFILTRATING AUSTIN under the guise of my travel show.

29:38 Also, the show for the people stay a block away from the [ __ ] So, what's he going to do?

29:43 I can't wait. No, my plan is going wonderfully. The Arch Duke France Ferdinand.

29:50 Yeah. No, but it's super fun and it gives me stuff to do. Like I was just in Connecticut and I went to this place uh called Hard and Co. And they are a um like a jean and clothing company. Everything's handmade with like antique uh American machines and tools. And so I made my own jacket. It's like pretty cool.

30:08 You have a longing for the past. You're very uh I love the past. Yeah. You're very very steampunk. Yeah. No, I don't like that.

30:15 Is that steampunk when you act? You put like a tweed suit on like a that you seem like I'm not trying to be a dick. It seems like you love the past like handmade.

30:22 Yeah, I do. Stitching and [ __ ] Well, he he did call he did he did call them the blacks over there. So, I think he's definitely yearning. I do.

30:29 He's definitely several times. Better times. Some would say those are actually the antique uh machines hardware like that. Don't you dare come in my voice like that. My analog tool.

30:50 This one's acting up. Smack. It's It's good you weren't behind the auction podium when you're standing on this.

30:56 That's why I couldn't give him one. I knew you'd abuse the podium. Huh? Austin. Austin is better than New York.

31:10 That's our prize fighter right there. boy. Two weeks Laame vers Gomez. I can't wait.

31:16 Podium's taking him down. Can't wait. That'll be awesome. I'll come back. Yeah, the comedy the inner city comedy beef is so [ __ ] I love that stuff.

31:23 Oh yeah. I just love division. It's amazing. You do? I do. I like I thrive on division.

31:29 I like unification. Really? I love unity. N Today's all about just hyper division.

31:35 Bombarding people with information, titilating them, getting them freak out. getting them into the streets, making them clash. You don't like that?

31:43 You don't like neighbors smashing each other with trash can lids outside because of Facebook post.

31:47 It's fun to watch. It's I'm not going to lie, it's fun to watch. I'm going to I'm going to show up and blow a whistle the whole time you guys are doing Lewis versus Mayor. I'm going to get myself shot by defending LaMare with my wife.

32:03 I'll show up in a mask in tactical gear. Louis, I'm a citizen. I'M A CITIZEN. SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS, LOUIS.

32:14 TRUE. Someone's going to bring a gun. Yeah, we don't like New York comics around here.

32:21 Yeah, it's embarrassing. Everyone's fighting each other right now. I don't like

32:24 Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. I'm with you. I'm I'm unification for real. I'm just [ __ ] around.

32:27 Thank you. But yeah, let's take it to a question from a premium subscriber. Oh, cool.

32:32 Uh let me see. Yeah, that's fine. You can do that one. Oh, boy. This is for This is a perk we give to the Patreon.

32:39 Oh, cool. You know, I figured since you plugged a bunch of [ __ ] I might as well

32:42 Oh, yeah. No, I I appreciate that. What do you guys have going on? I have a special out called Too soon.

32:48 Check it out on YouTube. I'll be in Pittsburgh February 6th and 7th. Come to Tim.com.

32:52 Hell yes. Message from the premium subscriber. It's They do Q&A [ __ ] Okay. Read all of this.

32:58 Yeah, man. It's a [ __ ] All right. [ __ ] three bucks. I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating dis. Okay, let me do the accent. Are you a Hungarian immigrant to me? So hungry,

33:09 dude. That's This guy's paying [ __ ] Japanese. Laugh. No, that's that's one of the premium That's like a [ __ ] shareholder, dude.

33:15 Oh, I He's a premium subscriber. You're a good guy. Spotify is great. It's not even That's not even Spotify.

33:21 I'm a Hungarian. Multiple allegiances. I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating disorder. Uh I came to this country 170 lbs, which is a good weight where I'm from, a strong weight of a man. But since getting here, the food has been very delicious. I eat and eat and eat. My mother tells me I am like the kiss book, which if you're not familiar, is a popular figure from Hungarian mythology. In Hungary, it is common to store leftover pig parts in their intestines, making a sort of satchel for further eating. The kiss gome book is the pig intestine that comes alive, eating everything in its path, getting bigger and bigger as more of the village is consumed until a pig shepherd is also eaten who slashes it from the inside with this trusty blade, freeing the village who dance and celebrating.

34:06 Either way, I am now weighing 247 lbs. I sent Shirley's picture to my mother to prove how well I am doing in America. And she calls me the kiss gombach telling me she'd love to suckle my rich milky nipp.

34:23 It's the right day. Dude, so good. I'll tell you what, the semen retention is going to be hard after this one.

34:30 That is that is a poor Oh my god. scenario if I've ever heard one. She tells me inest that she wants to crawl inside my cavity and sit in my belly like I once did in hers feeding for my American goodies like the parasite I once was. Only my mother is very old and she tells me she wants to die in my belly. For as the old Hungarian saying goes, better to be still born in America than to live a whole life in Hungary.

34:53 That's [ __ ] I Dude, that's our premium subscribers. I don't even know what the [ __ ] question is.

34:59 There's no question. They're [ __ ] pissing me off. He just wants us to know his mom wants to live in his belly.

35:07 Shout out Dominic. Technically, it is a Q&A, so he just gave us an A. Yeah. Yeah. What way do you want to go? I want to die in my son's belly.

35:17 My favorite My favorite part is when he goes, "If you're not aware of the kiss gumball, we should be like, "Not now. We can move on." These guys are weird. They're weird. I love them. You know, out here paying the bills.

35:26 That was great. I know. These guys, they're funny. Do you ever do like a um instead of a question and answer like a Patreon like short story contest or something?

35:35 That would be fantastic. I thought it sounds like a guy with a [ __ ] problem. That could have been that could have been that was written really well.

35:43 I think that was really funny. That's not real. You don't think that's real? That's a goof.

35:46 But maybe they're [ __ ] pulling the you know the wool over my eyes. But do you think that's real?

35:50 Well, we could chat GPT it. No, we could we could book is real. We'll go to another one.

35:57 I was saying we could do that. This should be We could see if it was written by Chat GBT. That would be really damning.

36:02 Yeah. Okay. Oh my god. This is Guys, please just come on. Okay. For the subscribers,

36:07 35year-old metal worker here. My brother's been having Can I do your job? My brother's been having a real bad go with anxiety. I wish I could help him, but I've never gotten anxiety myself. At least not like he gets it. He can just be sitting there doing nothing, and the next thing I know, he's all sweaty and freaking out. It's kind of embarrassing, especially if we're at a restaurant or something. But I've tried my best to understand so I can be there for him because after all, he is my brother. Recently, he has had an episode where I personally felt across the line. We were at my place watching football. Me, my brother, and my boys. I have three sons, two regular and one adopted.

36:42 Two regular and one I don't love. And so and so my brother starts his hyperventilating [ __ ] and I yell at him to stop because he was freaking out my new son. He's a 2-year-old Chinese kid that I literally just got a few days before, which is a a whole other issue. And so I've tried tough love on my brother and told him that if I started have if he started having one of his sweaty spaz attacks, I'd haul off on his ass, thinking I'd give him something real to be afraid of, hoping it would cancel out any weird inner weakness [ __ ] he was displaying in front of my kids.

37:16 And so we get into it. My brother starts crying, which triggered the [ __ ] out of me. And so I started screaming at him, trying to tell him having anxiety as a man and not having been in an active war zone is extremely gay and pathetic. And he yells back saying, "It's not helping." So, I shoved his ass down into the coffee table and he spilled some wine on the carpet and now my wife is pissed. Also, I only paid four grand for the Chinese kid, which I thought was fine since I I'd never adopted and didn't know at the prices, but one of my buddies recently told me that he had to cough up like 40 grand. Do you think there's any chance this little [ __ ] fell off the truck or something? If you catch my drift, Steve from Flint, Michigan. Now, Steve,

37:55 that's a question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Steve, your brother might be anxious because he's realized you've human trafficked a Chinese baby.

38:02 That seems to me. I don't know. Can you do a better job for real selecting the question?

38:08 Making an embarrassment of the program. Saying saying he had to cough up $40,000.

38:15 Incredible. How much does adoption cost? A lot. Is it expensive? Yeah. And the process is

38:21 Yeah. So long. Four grand makes me think like where did you get this kid? Like, do you go to some massage parlor and they're like, "We have some deal on some kids."

38:29 That That thing is not real. What? That's like a fake thing. That's got to be You think they're [ __ ] pulling my chain?

38:35 Yes. These are fake [ __ ] These are fake. They're trying to be funny, guys, to make you guys laugh.

38:40 That pisses me off. You're nailing it, though. You try to do something nice. Well, I don't know. You try to do something nice. You think, you know? So, I'd like to offer some advice or whatever.

38:46 Why not one more? I mean, you want the last one. The misdirect from the anxiety to the the Chinese children makes me feel

38:53 I wonder why this kid has anxiety. His brother's beating the [ __ ] out of him. Yeah. Yeah.

38:57 Quit crying, [ __ ] I know. It It does strike me as a little bit over the top, honestly.

39:01 Yeah. It's 25 to 40 grand. 25 to 40? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. He got he got a he got a knockoff Chinese child.

39:09 Real. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Let's get real for a second here. I found that comedy is a great way to discover more about yourself. Dude, I've learned speak on how comedy has helped you discover something about yourself or helped you grow as a person. Um, you know, there's just something about talking in front of people and uh it's really helped me kind of like grow my inner child or more specifically my pure artturn which is the forever child in Young terms. Uh, my shadow has been surely integrated. Uh, I mean, that goes without saying. And, uh, other than that, um, yeah, I had a big, um, I had a big I had a bit of an edipus complex that I've resolved through just like sick jokes and whatever. Guys, if there's one goal you should have getting into new in this new year, it should be to feel better about yourself, to feel lighter. Plus, getting started is straightforward and simple. All you need

40:09 is better help. Therapy can help you discover what obstacles you're facing and how to overcome them. BetterHelp has over 12 years of experience connecting people with the right therapist. They've served over 5 million people globally and judging by the glowing reviews, it works. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up to get 10% off at betterhelp.com/mssp. That's betterhp.com/mssb. Hey guys, real quick. You can catch me on the road doing live standup comedy. I have an all new hour. It's been going pretty well. People love it. I love it.

40:43 Everyone's having fun. Guys, I'll be in Las Vegas, Nevada. Uh the weekend of February 13th. And then on Valentine's Day, there's a big one. Leaving my family, guys. You know, everyone's pissed, but whatever. I'll do it for you guys. Paramount Theater, Denver, Colorado on Valentine's Day proper. Uh February 14th, I'll be there. So, Las Vegas, that's a big one. I don't know what's up with Las Vegas. All these other tickets are selling great. Las Vegas is a lastminute town full of gamblers. Don't be the [ __ ] ruined gambler and lose out on, you know, show's definitely going to sell out, guys. Don't even think it's not. But right now, the ticket sales are [ __ ] poor. So, please come to Las Vegas or I will I'll still come. Even it's like 10 people. I don't care. But, so, Las Vegas 213, 214, uh, Denver, Colorado. Then I'll be in, uh, Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Utah, Cleveland, Ohio, a bunch of other

41:33 places. Get tickets at mattcuser.com. Also, the day this comes out, uh, it'll be Friday the 31st, I believe, or third. It'll be the 30th. Friday the 30th. All algaenuts at Creek in the Cave. We're going to do I'm doing a show. Me and Tim Butler are doing a show where we go through people's phones, look through their algorithm, project it on a screen, we all laugh. It's it's a it's a good time. So, that's it. Thank you. Uh, hey guys. I have two young daughters, two and 5 years old. They're obsessed with the movie Frozen, which I can't understand. Not that any of those movies are great, but Frozen is the worst of the worst in my opinion, and the message is complete [ __ ] Basically, you have two sisters, the parents both die, and the kids are left alone in a castle.

42:14 The older one is essentially a moody [ __ ] who moves out to an ice castle symbolic of a one-bedroom apartment cat lady after her younger sister, archetypal [ __ ] hooks up with the first dude she sees, Prince Hans of the Southern Isle. And so, the archetypal [ __ ] ends up attracting the archetypal [ __ ] who just uses her. And so the whole thing goes on until Elsa, the older sister, froze the whole town, which I think is symbolic for a bitch-type lady's general presence, comes back to save Anna, but the [ __ ] sister, somehow ends up frozen, symbolic of all women eventually just becoming mean to no matter what, and is brought back because of her own true love, not Kristoff's, who in my opinion is the movie's true hero. But they make him out to be some unnecessary side character who just has to deal with the fact that Anna, the [ __ ] younger sister, has been ran through by Prince Hans, as if body

43:04 count doesn't matter. And I know she was technically only uh wait and I know she was technically only once prince, but uh

43:17 I think he got maybe typoed here. And I know she was technically only once prince, but for a fairy tale, which typically only deal with virgins, one is kind of insane. Honestly, symbolic of the fact that she's been run through. One in a fairy tale equals 100 in real life.

43:33 Frank in Manhattan. Well, I'm just I'm just glad this guy's a father. I mean, what the [ __ ]

43:39 It feels like he was typing with one hand and jerking off. This guy's daughter and he's speaking that way.

43:46 Whatever. We'll do better next week. That's what a monster. Again, that wasn't even a question, wasn't it? Wasn't a question.

43:52 There was no question. HE JUST WANTED TO use that. That was more of an oped. He just wanted to use

43:56 fairy tale body count stuff. That was fairy tale body count. Are fathers of young daughters dealing with like uh uh body count issues right now? Probably more than any time in history.

44:06 I think Well, no, cuz I think they used to like kill them. You know what I mean?

44:11 In some parts of the world, they still do. You would kill your daughter or like you'd have to kill the guy if they dishonored her. Yeah,

44:16 because you had to basically sell them for like and [ __ ] women knew not to [ __ ] around or else there would be consequences. So, of course, they can marry there's been barns full of uh you know, hay piles going back to the beginning of civilization. You know what I mean?

44:33 I never thought about this. You know what's crazy? You know what's nuts? So, back in the day when you had like a medieval time, you have a daughter, you would get like one pig for your daughter, right? One pig.

44:41 Can we look that up? That sounds low. I maybe 25 to 40,000. before. But here's the thing, dude. That was like,

44:47 was it a Chinese pig? That was for like a a wife. Only fans models make billions of years. Those guys, I think, went dra got drastically lowballed

44:57 if you think about it. No, but most Only Fans women's true value. It's like sitting on top of oil

45:01 kind. But most Only Fans models make nothing. Most Only Fans model are just showing holes to the void.

45:06 Even 250 bucks a month compared in pigs. Medieval pigs. That's a bad Can we get a conversion rate?

45:14 26 pig yields a ton of food and more pigs. And no, you're right. So like one pig yields

45:21 Well, no. No way, man. I've been to functions where a pig was barely one meal. I've been to parties where an entire pig was just like the meal for the night, you know?

45:30 You're going to do one feast in exchange for your daughter's uh chastity and potentially.

45:35 Yeah, but they probably also didn't eat a ton so they could make the pig last a while right?

45:39 No way. likes meat. It'll spoil. But didn't they also get cows and like donkeys and stuff? A cow.

45:44 Little mayor just went if you're lucky. Yeah. You get a cow. That'd be a good present.

45:52 Yeah. But but also, didn't you get like a cow in some land? Like, wasn't that the dowy?

45:56 It all depends on your daughter how hot she was. And probably like the area you're

46:00 50 shekels of silver. 50 shekels of silver. Uhhuh. Okay. Wow. Or the equivalent in livestock, basically. Okay. So that they probably had it pegged pretty well then.

46:09 Wow. I was thinking the people got ripped off in medieval times when selling their daughters. I was like

46:13 I mean they probably did. Yeah. I mean it just I mean the real people who got ripped off were the daughters.

46:19 What do you mean they're property of their father? What are you talking about, dude?

46:27 They were the father's rightful property. Can you imagine having a daughter and being like, "Yes, this will pay off in the long run." I mean, maybe it is 18 years of just like feeding her while she learns like basket weaving and [ __ ] and it's like

46:41 please don't get fat, man. That would be pretty nuts. That That is like Yeah, that wouldn't feel good. Honestly, if you had like a beautiful daughter and all you could think about was just selling her for like a fat sack of gold.

46:55 Yeah, that would feel You'd be like kind of It'd be bitter. It'd be bittersweet.

46:58 Imagine being like a hot daughter. That was your retirement, by the way. Really? I'm only worth a pig. Look how hot I am compared to these toothless goblins. Like, shouldn't I be worth like a two pigs?

47:10 Yeah, but if you're like a peasants's hot daughter, it's still a pig. It's I'd rather a noble

47:14 toothless goblin. You would get a fattened s though. If you're a peasants's hot daughter, you probably get a fat pig. And as a girl, they'd probably be like, "That's cool."

47:22 See, in my neck of the woods, they work with goats, so I don't know how fat goats go.

47:26 My neck of the woods for talking about Azeraijan is very funny. I prefer a goat to a pig for sure. Yeah, goats give you milk. There's there's more. There's more happening with a goat. You can [ __ ] a goat

47:36 with um what your daughter. What' you say? He said you could [ __ ] a goat. I said you can [ __ ] any animal.

47:46 True. Uh in arranged marriage, would it ever be like if you're not like status matching, would you ever make up the difference with an animal? I don't know why I'm looking directly at

47:55 the shades are hiding in your eyes. I'm supposed to be an ambassador. My my parents were arranged marriage and the and the way the way that it worked is my dad grew up in a very poor village. My mom came from a rich family in Bangladesh but he got to America. So that was his trade-off like oh you get to America you get the hot girl of a rich family

48:11 and then you bring her family to America. That's that was there was a trade-off

48:14 to work harder. Yes. Exactly. So he he he came in he got to America and they were like oh here's an

48:20 oh man it was uh it was he had to he had to like he went to engineering school in DACA which is the capital. He just rode a goat across the Atlantic.

48:36 And the goat in the Atlantic for a month and a half. Onward to the berry straight.

48:41 It was actually the life the life of pie was based on my dad. The wife of pie. The wife of pie.

48:49 The wife too pie. The life of cream. The life of cream pie. When he So he damn. That's a sick deal. Get to America. Get the babe.

48:58 Yeah. You got the You got the hero's journey. Yeah. It's a It's It's something to aspire to. It's like, "Oh,

49:03 my question is, are they legal?" Hey, thank you for asking. So, he got here legally.

49:16 Legally? Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that's hard as hell. How the Why the hell couldn't she get here?

49:19 She's rich. Well, like girls can't Oh, they can have ideas over there. My bad. Yeah. Yeah. They just I have an idea.

49:26 They just Well, my my poor people. She just learned dreaming. Let a poor guy dream for you.

49:33 Yeah. Yeah. You'll marry him. My My mom told a story about how when she was younger, uh she like kind of dated the guy across the street from her and then her brothers found out and they punished her by taking her out of school.

49:47 Did you stop teaching her? Yeah. Yeah. I think she was backwards culture. She ended up going She ended up going to college and she's a dentist now, so she figured it out.

49:54 Yeah. Look, I mean, hey, you say that, but check that out. Yeah. Yeah. They're still together. Arranged marriages never get divorced.

49:59 Yeah. Almost never. It's like a 90%. Yeah. Yeah. Are they Are they not allowed?

50:03 No, they're allowed, but it's like it's it's sort of like this the way the So, they call it there's arranged marriages and love marriages. That's what they call it. And in arranged marriages, you're sort of faced with the person and who they are immediately. So, you have to learn to love them.

50:14 In a love marriage, there's passion and that fades over time and then you get to know the person,

50:18 right? And that might change. So, it's like you come at it with a different mindset. And do you think the arranged marriage like the goal is to have children

50:26 and bring families together? So then that they recognize that like they kind of have to lay down their desires for the greater good of the family and community. So then they work together as a team rather than pe people that

50:38 you're anti-girl boss. Absolutely. Yeah. It's a it's an Asian thing. Asian it's like you work for the p the the whole culture. It's you know the nail that sticks out gets the hammer. That's what they say in in those cultures. So you got to like you got to work for everybody. What about arranged divorce? That'd be sweet.

50:53 That would be like you you got you got two or done. Yeah. You got to get the goat back.

50:59 We want the original goat. Give us the original one. Give me the goat back. You're out of here.

51:05 Goat's like 23 years old can barely walk. Kill me. I mean, it is a funny idea to think you're gonna like as a young person stare at a person and go, "Yes, this is total. This is like, you know, I know the elders obviously know better how to mash you up.

51:23 Yeah. And it's kind of tight, man. I don't know. I The idea of arranged marriage, I've always thought it was cool.

51:27 Well, the idea the arranged marriage is how everyone did it forever up until recently. Like even even in like the American like Yeah. Go ahead.

51:36 How do they decide the arrangements? What do you mean? Do they just like put names on dice and roll them?

51:43 So, we're talking about thousands of years of like culture and they have a [ __ ] me for asking.

51:51 Sorry, I didn't ask my friend names onto a fire or wind blows and that's where they go find their way.

52:00 Maybe I'll do chat GPT because there's no judgment was my question. So here's here's how it works now is because there's like it's like a vestage of that where it's not like they're not forcing people to get married anymore but they'll give the girls something called like bio datas and it's like a picture of the guy's face and all his stats like height, weight, what he does, what he likes, what kind of family he's from, where profile it's a dating profile.

52:22 So it's like Indian pop the balloon. It's like but if you don't pop the balloon you get married for life.

52:28 I thought an old classist like you would love this. What? And you're an old classicist. I thought you would love this. In fact, they did in the good days.

52:37 It was meant to be done. So, what would they do prior? They would take They would grab the lady by her hair and go, "Get the You let me impress her."

52:47 My Give me that, Clint. My mom My mom chop Chop. My mom walked into her wedding. It's one of those.

52:54 Isn't that a show on TLC? Wait, what did she do to her wedding? She like So, she met my dad. They're like, "Oh, we're kind of like,

53:00 yeah, I like this guy. like this we're kind of compatible and then oh we can get to America all that sort of stuff and then yeah she walked into the next time they met she was like oh this is my wedding she like realized like she ever been honest about like her feelings in that moment like was she and initially attracted or was she like uh like how did that work out I think at first she was like uh but then I mean she understandably crazy situation

53:24 but but like she loves my dad my dad's a good man so it's like yeah yeah yeah he

53:29 he funded her dream so it's like she kind of lucked out. That's kind of like such a better love story than, you know, like

53:36 Mhm. Oh, yeah. It's like they're such a They're such a cute old couple. They go they want they go hiking all the time. Like they do like 10-hour hikes together. They do that.

53:44 I want that. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. It's put my bio data out there. And I will say because they're arranged, there's more like those rough times, they're like really try to make it work.

53:53 Like there's no they're not trying to like get out of Also, you kind of have customer service cuz you can just both call your parents and be like, "What the [ __ ] Yeah. What the [ __ ] dude? HR in your own way.

54:03 It's not your fault. You can just be like, "Yeah, what the [ __ ] are you guys? What the hell?"

54:05 Yeah. And I bet the advice you get from the parents since they went through it is way more like on the level and just logical than going with like feelings and having like two families that have never dealt with the same.

54:17 Otherwise, it's just you're drunk at a bar one night and you go, I think I'm gonna [ __ ] it.

54:22 He also likes hiking. We're gonna make it. It's just I think it's Yeah, I think it's just equally kind of a crap. Interesting.

54:30 Yeah. Yeah. I I when I was younger, I was like arranged marriages like never. And now that I'm older, I'm like, "Oh, I kind of see the I I see the value in it,

54:37 dude." Yeah. Yeah. What's up? Do you qualify for an arranged marriage? Could you be

54:42 as as a as a comedian? There's not a lot of Bengali girls that would that would be interested. Yeah. Yeah. I'd have to be like

54:49 famous for them to even start like like right now like so do you aspire to be like Akos

54:56 like I I'll say this I'm not trying better question. Do you aspire to be like Akos like a year and a half ago?

55:07 Yeah. Prior to like six. He did nothing wrong. Stand by. He did nothing wrong. Um yeah. I'm not I like I'm not trying is a kink by the way. Not king shame. Hot wife is a king. Hogwife is hot wife is alpha.

55:20 Um but yeah like correct brat correction. I'm not like I will say like my my special right now is doing pretty good. No Bengali people are watching and I asked I asked my mom I was like they're not going to be like too

55:33 is that one of those countries where if you put like the unlicensed music they restrict it in that country.

55:37 Do you ever do a YouTube video where you put like a song like we're not going to show this one of those and you're like

55:41 it's not it's not like Russia [ __ ] play a song. Yeah. But it's like Yeah. I would say I would say I'm not like in with the culture yet.

55:49 Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean literally surrounded by white people all the time and a wall of blacks.

55:54 Have you ever gone like a Have you ever gone on like a birthright trip to? No, it's No, not yet. I'm going to if I'm going to go with my dad at one point before that's that's the thing.

56:03 Have you ever gotten dizzy and gone to a portaotty and think you've been on a birthright trip?

56:07 You're telling me I feel at home in here. Reminds me of my culture. You're telling me though. But I don't know much about uh you know Bengali but it's like

56:18 you're what like I'm an American comedian. I'm working. They need to see you like on TV or they're going to be like no I'm just going to marry this [ __ ] doctor in Bengali and you'll be like a cab driver in America. Like I aren't Isn't my status higher?

56:32 Isn't America the the the the foundational ground of like what status is compared to Benghazi? I'm not I'm not going to go marry some third world chick. Like

56:43 that's not that's not going to happen. You want a lady that's already here? Yeah. Yeah. I want a lady that's already here. I'm not

56:48 Well, it's like let's be reasonable. Yo, my man my man. You ain't never going to get that third world [ __ ]

56:54 I'm a penny stock guy myself. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not Oh. Oh. Where's your wife? Oh, after she gets her polio shot, she'll be over here. I'm not looking for I'm talking about, bro.

57:04 Yeah, dude. It might be like in investing in Bitcoin at $100 or something. YOU CAN BLOSSOM into a [ __ ]

57:12 I would, bro. I would you can 10x on your wife. That's best case scenario. Ready for the third world. I would be like, no schooling,

57:20 not a drop. Just make sure they got good teeth. Oh, dude. I You could have started asking the mothership to pay you in goats.

57:30 I was a third world no schooling wife and I would show her I would I would educate her myself like Instagram reels how like mosquitoes are from like Satan. I WOULD JUST DO

57:41 THIS [ __ ] HOUSE. I would just do the thumb trick. I was I was bizarre living in America. They do so much good magics over there.

57:56 Yeah, you're [ __ ] up, dude. You got to go. You got to go to Straight Village, bro.

58:00 Go to the [ __ ] store. Maybe. Maybe. But yeah, the the awesome Do they know about the JRE in Bangladesh.

58:09 Hit him with a link, man. Hit him with the three links. Time stamp a good clip, dude.

58:13 Yeah, even an even like a Bangal American, bro. Like, what are you talking about?

58:17 Yeah, that hasn't worked out for me. I mean, pretty much every I dated one Hindu girl. That was that was interesting. But other than that, it's been most it's been all white chicks.

58:24 I I read a book. Oh, you know, life hands you lemons. You make lemonade. But yeah, I I read a book about like um older like you know in India specifically uh wedding practices and that was kind of like yeah as a young girl at like 12 your husband would be decided and they would just be like you got to live in their house and you would just live under your future husband's mother who would like kind of haze you and like see what you were made of and bully you

58:53 and if you got pregnant with a son they would finally be like hey we love you if you had a daughter they would be like [ __ ] [ __ ]

59:01 they would like hate Being a firstborn son in a brown family. [ __ ] sick. Yeah.

59:06 Yeah. [ __ ] sick. No, dude. They would be like, for real, it'd be like you were literally worthless.

59:10 You'd be there like Cinderella style doing chores and you get pregnant. They'd be like, let's say it was a girl. They'd be like gh you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ]

59:17 Wow. Yeah. It's like being trans in the South. Get out. I hate you. Yeah. Arguably worse.

59:26 Yeah. Arguably worse. Yeah. There's no if you're if you're trans in the south, you can you can go somewhere. If you're just in that situation, you're just stuck with a mother-in-law that

59:35 What about the the women that are born in the those scenarios? Can have could they like run away? Is there like a underground railroad for

59:43 like women children? Yeah. Right into a [ __ ] brothel. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Talking about result is probably not great at all.

59:51 Yeah. Free No, no way. you're just going to go right into a [ __ ] like, you know,

59:55 there's no like Bengali freedom fighters of like trying to free the the women from

1:00:00 Well, I I mean, now Bangladesh is way more modern. This is we're talking about like older

1:00:05 I guess I was talking to you about your book. Yeah. Yeah. This Yeah, this is the book.

1:00:08 The book you said you read. Oh, yeah. No, that was that was like in the early days.

1:00:13 I'll say this. My mom is a third of nine brothers and sisters and she was the last arranged marriage. So, like everything after that was like more agency and stuff. M.

1:00:22 Oh, really? Is that Do you all use that Dill Mills thing? Like I heard something called Dill. It's like kind of a range like

1:00:28 No, that's just that's just Indian Tinder. Is this where like parents are on the act too though?

1:00:33 Well, I'll say this like DM Dil's Indian Tinder basically. It's like it's for D.

1:00:38 Oh my god. Imagine the DMs. Phone has smoke coming out of it. It's all It's crazy. All Bobs, all the I'm going start a car company that just runs on those phones. There's a bunch of horny Indian videos.

1:00:56 When you're creating your account, you put in female goes, are you sure? Are you are you ready for this?

1:01:01 So, so, so Dill Mill is Indian Tinder and like I didn't know that in that there are a lot of parents. Not everyone. There's there's but a fair amount of them are kid their parents are running their kids account trying to find something.

1:01:14 That's that's part of it. But but you could just be people. You could just be you could just be in there with parents chatting each other. Sometimes

1:01:21 good. What are you doing later on? Like when those pedophile own hunters act like children to catch pedophiles but Indian parents.

1:01:30 It's like Chris Hansen by the end you get married. Come over to be making milk and cookie.

1:01:38 True. It'd be funny to do a Chris Hansen show where there's no age of consents and the guy shows up and you go, "Yeah, here. Here you go. You're legally within your right. There you go. I'm still going to read your text messages.

1:01:49 You're not so horny now, are you? Welcome to To Catch a Husband. Damn, Dil. I know Dil was I didn't know that was a thing.

1:02:02 Well, yeah, but but but that's still mostly just regular DY people and be like, "No, I know I'm talking to the mother. I'm trying to smash you."

1:02:09 I mean, most likely you're still you're talking to the person. That's like that's what what what what he's talking about is very rare but does exist.

1:02:15 So it's just like a landline on an app. What's the is what's the word? What is dil mill? Is dil mill short for something like dudes like to milk or

1:02:25 what's the cultural significance? I actually I actually don't know. It's probably something Hindi that I don't I don't know Hindi very well. Hindi at all.

1:02:31 Yeah. It's not the spice. Dill is not a real prevalent spice. And and they probably don't call it dill. It probably means something. We could chat GBT it, but I guess we'll just never know. I guess we'll just never know. That would be really it probably a lot more fun to speculate.

1:02:42 Yeah. Yeah. Just make up an answer and we'll go, well, we'll never know. Those kind of

1:02:48 hearts meeting. Hearts meeting. Hearts meeting. Hearts. Hearts meeting. Nice. Mhm.

1:02:54 Hearts meeting is nice, man. Mhm. I like that. What is when you get the elders involved, they come up with a nice

1:03:00 Yeah. Hearts meeting is Tinder is what you use to create a fire. Yeah. You've ne you've been on the apps forever and you've never once stopped to think what it means. That's crazy. Not a lot going on up here.

1:03:15 Interesting. Now, what soul swiped mean? Hey Tim, I retain semen, not knowledge.

1:03:25 Doctor said I need back shot for my mind. I think I think actually I think Grinder is based on what your parents do when you tell them.

1:03:35 They nash their teeth and weep. They nash their teeth and weep. It's what they think you should do when you how you should die.

1:03:49 Grinder. Sick. Dillbill is kind of the opposite of grinder where a grinder like you can like there's like they'll show you like how many feet away you are from somebody. Dill they'll like send you people in like the UK and like they send you people everywhere.

1:04:01 Really? Yeah. Yeah. There's a big people there's a big like one of the things one of the things one of the preferences you can state that's pretty high is like whether or not you'd be willing to relocate

1:04:09 but I couldn't join Dill Mill as a white you probably could you know I don't know I don't know what brown person would be looking for a white person on DMill that seems but you can you can try it

1:04:19 yeah you can also go the Trudeau route he didn't go Trudeau did go blackface but he also went like brown face kind of

1:04:28 no he went brown face Indian guy he didn't do black face. You do brown face. What about rebooting Soulman but as a as Brownface?

1:04:39 Soulman. Remember that movie? That's the one where he does blackface again to Harvard.

1:04:43 Yeah. Yeah. Uh and he learns what it's like to be a black guy. I'd have to think about that.

1:04:47 The the think about that. The speech at the end is great. I can't weigh in on that just yet.

1:04:52 I'm not asking you to fund it, Matt. How about you, executive executive producer?

1:04:58 No, I'm tied up right now. I have a I have a uh a movie I want to make. I'm going to do, you know, Nollywood, Nigerian Hollywood.

1:05:04 Mhm. You can make a movie for like 15 grand. So, I want to write a movie and then have I just write the script and have people in Nigeria just film star the whole thing and I'm put it out on my YouTube. That'd be pretty sick.

1:05:17 Just like a really wild soap. So, wait, you would have them star in it? Yeah. I'm not going all the way over there.

1:05:23 So, I would I would just have put it up on Fiverr or something? I would send The mayor be the star of my Nollywood.

1:05:31 They would carry him around. Be a Nollywood star. He'd be the pig they give to someone's wife.

1:05:39 Wow. Wow. Uh, you marry my daughter in zero. You guys really don't mess around up there, do you?

1:05:53 Everywhere we go IS LIKE THE SELLER TABLE. Never know where mister. You guys really are a different breed OF

1:06:06 WELL, go hot damn. I think we made it to an hour. You guys I knew this would be such a fun time.

1:06:10 This is so fun. Such a fun time. This is great. You guys [ __ ] ruled. I'm grateful.

1:06:14 We're going to do We're going to do the Patreon next. So, if you guys want to stick, stick. If you guys want to leave, totally fine.

1:06:19 I'm here. I'd love to. La Mer, go ahead and drop the pig blood on Ian, please. Real quick. Hurry up. Yeah, running out of time. Are you gonna roll right into

1:06:30 I'm gonna pee. Yeah, take your time. I'm gonna take a pee. Take a little break. We'll head into the Patreon. Thank you guys. Appreciate it.

1:06:34 Yeah. Thanks so much. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane Secret podcast on Spotify. Do it. Next time.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)"?

Matt McCusker (Host), Shane Gillis (Host), Ian Fidance (Guest), Tim Butterly (Guest).

What is "Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)" about?

The main topic revolves around a lively and humorous gathering featuring comedians Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, and Tim Butterly, as they engage in witty banter and playful interactions. Key points include discussions about sobriety, personal preferences, and the dynamics of their seating arrangement, all while maintaining a lighthearted, comedic atmosphere.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

10 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Tim Butterly, Eden Finance, Joe Rogan, Kanye West, Meta AI, Ian Do Guy Doing Odd Jobs. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)"?

The episode runs 1 h 7 min; the transcript is about 14,514 words in 444 timestamped sections.

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