Transcript

Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)

From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 3 min · 14,746 words · 460 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)", an episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast published February 12, 2026 (1 h 3 min, about 14,746 words). It mentions 15 people, works and ideas, including La Mer, HGH, Austin, Flyers, Darius Liver.

What this episode is about

The conversation revolves around humorous and candid anecdotes about bodily experiences, with participants exchanging stories about unusual health topics like tonsil stones and adolescent puberty changes. They engage in light-hearted banter about their past experiences, including odd smells and the quirks of teenage curiosity, punctuated by a comedic exchange about food and personal hygiene.

Key takeaways

  • Tonsil stones: nature's gumball machine for curious adolescents, revealing the bizarre side of growing up.
  • Puffy nipples in public pools? Just another way to turn a childhood insecurity into a social strategy.
  • Just like The Rock’s surgery, some body image issues require drastic measures for those in the spotlight.
  • Half-baked conspiracy theories flourished in the chaos of Epstein-era media—easy to trap the unwary.
  • Every grandma's house has its unique soundtrack; in this case, the 'View' blaring into an unsuspecting guest’s dreams.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: La Mer, Austin, Flyers, HGH
  2. – 20:00: Prize Picks, Flyers, Super Bowl, New York, New York
  3. – 40:00: Darius Liver, HGH, Austin, Joe Rogan
  4. – 50:00: Sri Lanka, La Mer, Cleveland, New York, New York
  5. – 1:00:00: Cleveland

Notable quotes from "Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)"

  • I know a kid who did that, but his dad had him on HGH and his m nipples started lactating.
    about HGH · at
  • Yeah, the La Mer thing was like I didn't even know. I got told like Bush got told the towers got hit.
    about La Mer · at
  • Here, I'll tell to Alex Jones might be the biggest victim of this Epstein [ __ ] because like he tried and then he fell for the Hillary [ __ ] and then he kept falling into Epstein traps. Joe Rogan,.
    about Joe Rogan · at
  • How did you feel about the Super Bowl game?
    about Super Bowl · at
  • Basketball baseball hockey UFC soccer, college basketball, tennis, golf, esports, and more. Join millions of users and sign up for America's number one sports picks app.…
    about Prize Picks · at
  • Yo, did you guys see Liver King go to Waterburger with his family and order like a huge meal?
    about Darius Liver · at
  • I've been watching Sri Lanka's Got Talent on Instagram.
    about Sri Lanka · at
  • Hearing about it. If you want to come, come. And then after that, I'll be in Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Indianapolis. I'll be in a…
    about Cleveland · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • La Mer — Person · Referenced co-host/producer/friend (recurring on-show figure) · 4 mentions · first at
    A frequent subject of jokes and anecdotes (Ring camera/Grubhub, 'MSNBC brain'); also promoted as part of the live show 'Optimal Knocks.'
  • Darius Liver — Person · Referenced internet celebrity (fitness influencer) · 3 mentions · first at
    Used as a comedic tangent: discussed a viral Whataburger/Waterburger ordering video, his 'mantra' changes, and alleged heavy HGH use.
  • Joe Rogan — Person · Referenced media figure/podcaster · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in an Epstein/conspiracy-media context alongside Alex Jones; also referenced in relation to Liver King 'locking in on Rogan.'
  • Alex Jones — Person · Referenced conspiracy-media personality · 1 mention · first at
    Cited as a 'victim' of Epstein-related traps in a joking/conspiratorial riff; used to characterize a style of coded, paranoid interpretation.
    Here, I'll tell to Alex Jones might be the biggest victim of this Epstein [ __ ] because like he tried and then he fell for the Hillary [ __ ] and then he kept falling into Epstein traps. Joe Rogan,.
  • Rick Ross — Person · Referenced musician (used for a joke/music overlay) · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as the soundtrack idea for a highlight video of La Mer picking up Grubhub (“I'm a Boss”).
    Got to do a highlight video to I'm a boss by Rick Ross to him picking up ball picking up Grumbo.

Companies & orgs

  • Flyers — Company · Referenced topic · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of a sports team and their performance.
    Basketball. I've been hype on basketball. Well, I was trying to get into hockey this year. The Flyers were looking really good to start the season.
  • MSNBC — Company · Referenced topic · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in the context of media and its perceived biases.
    MSNBC brain is crazy because now that means you also have stuck through the shifting through the the trans surgery that the network went through where it's like that's my dead.

Concepts & topics

  • HGH — Concept · Referenced topic · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of performance enhancement and its use by individuals.

Places & events

  • Austin — Place · Setting · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as a location where certain events or lifestyles are discussed.
    Good. He yeah, Massachusetts to the Gills. We pray for him. We pray, dude. I hope he just takes over Austin when you're gone.
  • Super Bowl — Event · Referenced topic · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned in passing as a sports event with personal betting experiences shared.
  • New York, New York — Place · Referenced topic · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in passing as a location.
    Yeah, that's good stuff. Well, I'm glad you're here, dude. I want to settle this Austin, New York beef once at the I ate it. Did it keep it's like it is like a old person with dementia.
  • Sri Lanka — Place · Referenced topic · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in the context of a talent show from the country.
  • Cleveland — Place · Referenced topic · 2 mentions · first at
    Mentioned in passing as a location.
  • Wells Fargo — Place · Referenced topic · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as a venue for a sports game.
    Oh, yeah. They had a little double header at Wells Fargo. It would have been nice.

Sponsors

  • Prize Picks — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a sports picks app with a promotional offer mentioned during the podcast.

Full transcript with timestamps

Wow. Wow. Wes. Ew, dude. Ew. What is that? Ew, dude. That is a parmesan from a Waw Wa rat. Baby,

did you spit that onto your phone? No, no, no. I I was eating earlier and I I had it like this. So maybe a little ranch dipped on that is what it is. A little patina didn't hurt anyone. You got some You got some ranch on your phone?

It smells. No. It smells like ranch. Do you ever spit up that stuff that was like trader tarter as a kid?

No. You ever spit up like a ball of just Oh, like flem or what? No, it was like I think it was like a thing that my buddy had it real bad. He had to have like surgery. Yeah. It was like something wrong with his tonsils or something. But like

I think there's a period during your adolescence where you can cough up. It's just like a solid hollow of tartar.

Are you talking about It's like a pocket in the back of your throat. Yeah. I guess it's a tonsil stone. Yeah,

like a gumball machine. They smell like a [ __ ] [ __ ] Do they really? What is it? It's just [ __ ] gunk

in your tonsils. They like It's little like deposits of [ __ ] I don't know. Damn.

It's just like Did you do that? Is that what's happening? It only happened like once, but my buddy had it so bad he had to get like surgery.

You smelled it. I did smell that. Yeah. When it came up, I like I was like, "Did he did he one time it?

Tail off. Tag and throw up." Now it's like an alien egg, dude. Cuz I smelled it. Didn't smell like anything and I broke it and it was like, "Oh my god,

Chris, you were a curious man." I I mean, dude, if you He tried to He did gender alter. He gender altered. He tried to poke his nipples when they were getting puffy as a boy.

I know a kid who did that, but his dad had him on HGH and his m nipples started lactating.

What? And then he put a [ __ ] pin in it and squeezed it. Can I tell you a puff nipple guy?

That's crazy. Listen, I've been a puffy nipple since I was a boy. But here's here's what you do at the public pool and do a side tickle.

Get them things down. Oh, really? Then you look great. This gets your nipples down.

You just go like you tickle and you get like you get like Yeah. hard nipples. You get cold nipples hard before you get in the pool.

Yeah. Why not? I'm not walking around with puffy nipples. Puffy nipples makes you look nipples.

Always, dog. Whoa. Not like crazy puff. Just like a little puff. Just like pillow.

And you never thought about getting rid of them. Now, what am I the rock? You know, The Rock had nipple surgery.

Really? Yeah. When he was like Rocky Maya and he came in, he had like big puffy nipples and then you see him a couple years later and it like looks like

Yeah, you got to do that. Yeah. If you're a pro wrestler, you can't have Was it that it's a [ __ ] disaster?

That's crazy. That's like elbow pads on your tits. Yeah. You're just definitely a heel. There's nothing you can do.

You have to have straps. That's straps. If you're pro wrestler, you get the Vader suit. Sometimes you got to get a surgery because you're like if you take steroids, you get like gyno and like you get like fluid build up in your nipples. Wouldn't that lifetime natural? But

you are lifetime natural. Matt's juice to the I saw a picture of him the other day, dude. He's like actually like [ __ ] big.

Looks like Jaca will dude. I saw a picture of the can't make my birthday party good.

Don't want to make me a call on my 40th good. He uh yeah, Massachusetts to the Gills. We pray for him. We pray,

dude. I hope I hope he just takes over Austin when you're gone. I mean, you come back and there's gates built.

He's fully Yeah, this is the Austin lifestyle. He's juiced, dude. Biohacking. Yeah, you got to go down there and get get giant with hot dog me.

Yeah, that's good stuff. Well, I'm glad you're here, dude. I want to settle this Austin, New York beef once at the I ate it. Did it keep it's like it is uh like a old person with dementia.

Yeah. You go cliff. The deadliest game. Yeah. Uh yeah, the La Mer thing was like I didn't even know. I got told like Bush got told the towers got hit.

Yeah. I sat down for the regs and they whispered into my ear and I was like they said La Mer got attacked. Laair got crushed. We put his tweet at the end of our intro this week. No, it's Do you Did you see it? Yeah. Listen.

No. So, oh my god. La Mer's got It is my favorite tweet. MSNBC brain. I mean, I don't know.

It's It's wonderful. MSNBC brain is crazy because now that means you also have stuck through the shifting through the through the the trans surgery that the network went through where it's like that's my dead name. My new network name is SA.

Yeah. He's all about that [ __ ] Any I swear to God if it's on the view, he agrees. Ah, dude.

He could be the sixth chair on Just to let you know where La Mer's brain is. My grandmother's

greatest affair. My Yeah, he's the guardian. He's the guardian of the mantle. Chima,

he um my grandmother before she died, I want to say like 93 to 97 would just we should wake up and just blare the view at like 73 volume. So when I'd be in her,

that's what's happening in my house right now. I just wake up and hear like Joy Bayart being like, "I'm sorry, he's not okay."

And you're like, like, "Wake to my guest grandma's guest bedroom." Like, what the [ __ ] is that? Let me see. That's me.

Here, I'll tell to Alex Jones might be the biggest victim of this Epstein [ __ ] because like he tried and then he fell for the Hillary [ __ ] and then he kept falling into Epstein traps. Joe Rogan, too.

Yeah. Fully concise thought. It makes I can't even I can't even decipher what that means.

I love What do you think it means? I think it's one of those things where you look at it backwards and see the pattern speaking to us strictly in code

like listening to Led Zeppelin backwards. See it was Duruititz the whole time. Yeah.

That's high level. The only time I talked to the man is Matto undercover in a suit.

Just my uh pair is a character. My ring camera on my ring camera I see him pick up his grub hub. So I get to anytime thing I I get to talk to him. Go put the [ __ ] Twitter down, bro.

Dude, delete your Twitter. And he's like, "Okay, I will." So funny. I got some good photos of him scratching like

that geo camera. I do. Of La Mer. It is, dude. It's like those live cameras of falcons on skyscrapers.

You go. Oh, he's eating again. Look at that. That's him. That's him taking off the se. That's so [ __ ] funny.

You should put it on the like fa local Facebook group. Like, has anyone seen this man? the front door. I film him. I film him collecting pizza.

Look at him collecting his pizza. Please turn him into Austin Sasquatch. Oh no.

Oh, that's so make a highlight to you. I love I got to call him to wake him up, too. He'll order he'll order GrubHub and fall asleep.

Yes. And I'll just keep checking the ring camera and be like, "Dude, your food's still outside. It's been outside for two hours." He's like, "Oh, I fell asleep."

Got to do a highlight video to I'm a boss by Rick Ross to him picking up ball picking up Grumbo. Yeah, that's uh that's what he's up to. Excuse me.

What? Why'd you touch my neck, bro? Companionship. Okay. Nothing more. I did that the other night. I ordered McDonald's for the first time in a long time.

Which night? Arches called your name. I think it was Friday. Could have been Saturday.

Was I with you? Cuz you've been putting together some performances. Really? Your comment?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I will say the whole crew cuz we got to work Monday through Friday. So then Friday rolls around, you go

explosive. The squad's not used to not being able to drink during the weekend. You guys have

You pulled a You pulled a dastardly trick on Saturday where I You were like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "I'm going to go across the street and watch the Flyers game and you were like, you gave me every indication you'd show up." And then I just started throwing them back. I was sitting alone in

I showed up to the bar like 9 9 10 p.m. He was already back in bed. He went he went back to sleep.

You went you ripped out [ __ ] ripped by himself at a dog bar. I didn't blame you.

He was like, "Where were you?" I was like, "I didn't told you I was going. I sat down and started drinking. Why didn't you Why were you there?"

It would have been nice. I feel like I had something to do. I don't think so. I couldn't have gotten day drunk.

No, you were thinking about going to the Sixers. Oh, yeah. They had a little double header at Wells Fargo. It would have been nice.

It would have been nice. But you you [ __ ] your pants. We can't go. We can know. We can't go today Flyers game today.

Yeah, we can. That was another disaster. No, that was fun. That's a D Roen Beaser to a Flyers game.

It's a crew. It is a rough crew. That's crazy. That's like a bank heist crew. A terrible crew.

That's a bad That's just all um the bad guy from Heat. That's just the whole crew. Lingo's bad guys.

The whole crew is Lingro. You guys are all [ __ ] bad. Well, D. Roa was the he was the the key to the fall. Give it. You fall down.

So I I swear I was doing shots. He's always suggesting that I wasn't drinking at the game. Really? I might have had three beers. So then we go to a bar after I'm talking to Chris. I turn my head for

15 minutes. I look back, he's like asleep. I like what the [ __ ] happened to you?

Dro, how is he sleep? I look to my right. D Roer's over. Just a head head in the hands.

Head in the hands. Yeah. Yeah. Do you do the Do you do the heads up, Seven Up Sleep on the bar?

Probably do. Oh, you do little kid pictures. Yeah, he's such an adorable. He's like a sleeping dog. Do you like

That's funny. You're watching his eyes closed. Dude, taking a little day siesta from Boozer

Adabore. That's crazy. Well, we went hard. We went hard the night before. Yeah.

And then I made it through the I made it through the game and into the night game. You were great

and people were taking performance enhancers. Yeah. Yeah. I refused. Yeah. I refused the performance enhancers.

Great, dude. Aderall hitting the drinking scene was like steroids in baseball in the late 90s.

You were like [ __ ] were hitting dingers in ways that you were like, it's probably responsible for like 75% of the DUI.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm absolutely fine. You find that data, you'll see a spike. You were [ __ ] 100% there mentally like I'll drive right now.

Yeah, you're totally fine. He's witnessed he's witnessed me in my body shuts down at all. So I'm like, dude, I'm ready to go if you are like I can't walk. We're [ __ ] We got to stay here.

One of the most embarrassing drunks I've ever been was I did an allnighter in Vegas when I was like in my 20s and my friend and I were gambling late and I was so drunk I dropped a chip. It was a $100 chip and the and the guy was like Jesus Christ. And I was like, I can't find it. And he was just like, well, I he goes like I was looking for it. I just remember him going like this. Well, I can't help you look for it. And I was going, it's a $100 chip. And I and I want I needed to write something down and I couldn't write. And I was like, this is [ __ ]

I found the chip. Leans leans get dangerous at that hour, too. Dude, the lean over

cuz your your your vector or whatever is much smaller. Yeah. Right off this. And I'm not joking. I want to put your time at around 6:30 in the morning in Vegas. That's terrible.

It's a terrible way to go. Yeah. That's like the allp pro kick in Madam. You're like, "This could go good." Probably not.

When you're falling into the moment of acceptance, there is like a little too much time, dude.

When you drunk fall, there's so much time to be like, "No way. I'm falling." It [ __ ] kills. Back in the day, Arty Fua would just have women with him at the seller. So, you'd like finish a show at the seller and Arty be like, "Oh, you don't know my home girl?" And he'd be like two Swiss women that you'd be like, "Hey, nice to meet you." I was black out. And Arty was like, "Hi, my Australian friends." And they're like, "We got into all Thailand drinking. You want to go?" And I was blackout. And I was on the patio smoking a cigarette.

and I came in and didn't see a table and took a chop block on my on my right leg where I [ __ ] dude I still remember how long that fall was cuz I was like whoa and just ate [ __ ] but got up quick and was like it was the thing where you check your shin later and you go oh just [ __ ] busted but dude I remember that just but they're like are you all right they're like what

what did you guys not see yeah Being in Westchester in the snow recovery. Did you see the recovery?

It's It's bringing it back for me big time. I used to bite it. Yeah. Every every Yeah. I'd be here in college. There's No, but there's snow and ice. There's Everything's a brick sidewalk here. So, it'd be frozen. I'd just be like trying to leave a bar. I'd fall like 10 times just into snowbanks. Just like

It's tough to get out of. It's like a beanag chair. You're getting up hammered and a slippery substance. Who's the original Bruski tumble? He's getting back to the house cover.

Spade took was the original Bruski tumble. Yeah. Spade it like blew his [ __ ] eyebrow open or some [ __ ] falling.

Dude, when blood's involved, it's so it makes it funnier. Yeah. Oh, my pop used to do it like every like three months.

Papa was taking briskets. Dude, he's a beat. Like he would just watch the Phillies. We'd go over there Sunday and then like every like five to six months the ambulance would come cuz he'd be out back and he'd just [ __ ] eat [ __ ] And he was like 72. So he would just like be bleeding out of his I'm okay. I'm okay. And they just bring him to the hospital and bring him back. He

Yeah. I forgot Phil took a bruski tumble recently. He was he gets [ __ ] up on the deck.

He fell long as [ __ ] He fell on the deck so it was loud as hell. Oh my god. Everyone in the house heard it. came out and he was laying on the ground laughing. They're like, "Get up, dude."

Yeah, it it is like uh my grandma was in her like her when she started falling in her 80s. They are they're less worried about it than you are. My grandma grandma called me one time was just like, "Yeah, I fell in the garage. She lived by herself." I was like, "How long were you down there for?" And she was like, "It's like 20 minutes."

And you're like just like the garage floor. And then she's like, "All right." Just getting up. Not today.

Yeah. Every trip to the basement's 127 hours. Yeah. She just lives her life. I'm ready to cut it off.

I'll cut it the [ __ ] off, man. That's Yeah, you're lucky if you get old and fall like that. That means that's a good life.

That must be crazy. Constantly taking basically the equivalent of drunk falls. Say you're 80. You go, "This is going to be tough getting out of this chair."

Oh, dude. I'm going to fall and die. You just shatter my arm in. You just think back to every Christmas on the whole fall. You're like, "Oh, that one in 96 was real good. You're just [ __ ] heading for the ground."

I've talked about before. My grandma was falling a lot before she died. One of them she went to turn the faucet on behind her house. She fell behind a bush

and got stuck behind her house for like she had to wait till the neighbor's kids came home from school was laying under the under the bush like, "Oh, boy." I was like, they probably thought it was a witch. They're probably like

so scary. Go that pushes through and then you see an old woman's face like so scary, dude.

Probably sprinted inside. Help me, dude. Turning off a drippy hose scary as a little kid.

Yeah. Yeah. You never know which way to turn it. Turn it on full blast. Slip in the mud when the mud the mud's all wet.

Yeah, we had that going on. Jumping through the sprinkler. It's been going on at my house.

Really? Yeah. The water kept shutting off because of they It was like suspected leak.

Yeah. Sensor. So, it just keeps shutting the water off. Oh, so they don't blow the pipes.

Our hose was on for like 4 days. Damn. You just had a swampy ass backyard. Yeah. No, it's frozen. It was just a sheet of ice.

Just a kid [ __ ] skating on the back. So, I got that going on. Now you know. Now you know. That's something. You know, I've never been in a house where the water shuts off like that. Will it kick on if you take a long shower?

No, you got to I bet it actually would. You'd have to take like a [ __ ] three hours shower. Yeah, bro. Same guy. Is that the same?

I just want to reach for you down there. Relax, right? That happened this weekend.

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How did you feel about the Super Bowl game? Uh, kind of boring. And every every decision I made, I was wrong. I was I was going for like high numbers, you know, a lot of touchdowns, stuff like that. I was real wrong on my choices, but I feel like I'm gonna be What about you? What' you think about it?

I don't know. I mean, I I didn't I barely watched it. It was I was in and out kind of like messing with the kids and stuff. Uh

I did one of those like block pool things and all the numbers you didn't even know what they were. Yeah,

it was all like random and I I didn't do well in that. Double double loss. Yeah, it was it was a double loss for sure.

Discuss what sports you're excited about now that the NFL is over. Um I mean I'm hype on I'm hype on basketball. I've been hype on basketball. Well, I was trying to get into hockey this year. The Flyers were looking really good to start the season. They stink now. So, so kind of a bummer. Uh,

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It's good to be right. Yeah. So, that's that's basically what's been going on with me. I know. I haven't done the podcast in two months, but

that's the update. That's what's going on. Backyard's floated like a Sunday. Matt's carrying the load right now, dude.

Yo, Matt's got it all. Everybody's juiced up, dude. He's got to carry it. You got I mean, you show somebody's got to carry the boats for what?

You guys have Peter T on. I wasn't there. That was Matt. That's Matt's boy, dude. That's Matt's boy. That's crazy.

Yeah, we had one of the major Epstein bros on. I don't know anything about Peter Tea. He's like a dude who charges you $250,000 to live forever. And he was like, I I don't really know much about Epstein. Like I talked to him a few times and like there's just all these correspondence and allegedly like his kid was dying in his memoir. He talks about it and then he was actually just in New York and he's like, "Yeah, I'll go. I'll come chill." And in his book he's like, "Dude, I was just I was drowning in work." But he's just he said he was enamored by famous people and he really didn't mean it and he doesn't know about any of the pedophilia stuff.

that getting caught like your email getting leaked and you like text messages got leaked

somebody was telling me they were going to add the feature of who share what you share

on Instagram explain how it's a joke like to each other no yeah somebody mentioned that to me I hope that's not true

that's the destruction of society an Instagram reel it will say who shared it no don't do that

which if that happens we're in trouble don't do that what do you mean it says like you know how they do who liked it or who follows Say who shared this?

Maybe it's the the person, but is that on the No, not yet. Don't worry. I'm with you. This

I'm telling you right now. That's the only thing that might send dude kissing is a joke.

No one can see that. Dude's kissing is a joke. Dude's kissing is a funny. I think I sent you an aggressive.

I think I sent you as one to all you guys. He had a juicy booty one. Yeah, that's what I sent back to you was the why you gay.

No, I'm not worried about the gay stuff. Yeah, dude. That that would that might be the only thing that would block Zuckerberg clip.

What emails? No, if they [ __ ] start showing you who shares [ __ ] Is that between us?

Let us have fun. Let us have fun. I thought you said if he got on the Epstein file.

No, that [ __ ] won't get you. If it lies at all, I'll just be like 1 0 0 1 1 0 0.

Dude, how you feel? Your boy's on the time. Your boy Trump. You both Trump. Uh all uh you know what are you going to do

could have could have called that one but you know all right we don't have to we don't want politics here

they they say that but at the same time it's like there's other people like way worse guy was just trying to make America great again then that would happen the [ __ ]

sometimes you had a speed bump I hear I hear you tiny speed bumps people people have been like messed with that I was like dude I fell for Qanon like what did you expect obviously this shit's going to happen and it's going to get me every Batten's a nasty little [ __ ] Badden's on there. He's like boys with

Epstein. Oh, they like cultivated the culture war. They like created it. You read it and you go, "I knew it."

Yeah. I knew someone smarter than all of us was behind this going like, "You two should fight."

Yeah. Go [ __ ] dude. There's like a 4-hour long interview with him on like PBS. That's like incredible.

Really? Bannon. Yeah. Oh, yeah. America watched all of his [ __ ] rocks. His [ __ ] rocks.

He's Yeah. like starts talking about like Catas and [ __ ] like that. He really

the kind of thing that you like turn on to be like [ __ ] this [ __ ] guy. Oh [ __ ]

Oh man. He's a He was a really good He's pretty Yeah, he's good at Yeah. Do you listen to talk though?

He's a little effeminite a little bit. Oh dude, there's like he's showing his private island. He's like this is my beach. Uh it's private so no one can come on here. This is my pool. It's like very

Yeah. Might be the ultimate reverse. He might have. I'm not a pedophile. I'm just gay.

Might hit the old Spy. Yeah, I ain't do any of that [ __ ] For the record, I'm gay.

Dude, that was the best. [ __ ] rocks. What a move. What a Houdini out of cuffs.

How could I be raping women when I like men? I think they were all male accusations.

They're still guys. He's like, "Right, but I'm gay. You should have kaos. They should have crippled. They should have done the reverse.

Then he after he got caught, he'd be like, "Actually, I'm [ __ ] up." Oh, no. I actually have a limp. You can't come after me.

That with Nam Chosky. Nam Chsky's all over it. He's just old as balls. He's like [ __ ] He looks like something a cat spit out all over. Everyone's all boy.

That's not my boy. I [ __ ] hate that guy. You love that [ __ ] I hate that. You're liberal history.

You're a chopaholic. Yes, dude. He loves liberal history. You guys, you guys wish you were as center as I am. I hate Chsky.

What a sentence. Yeah, I'm so in the center. It's unbelievable. You guys wish. Oh, you mean Chris the balanced O' Conor?

Well, sure he's for guns, but he's also for [ __ ] universal healthcare in a way that's pretty taxpayer friendly. Oh,

now you're talking the actual balanced. Yeah. All right. Guns. This guy screams and cries about guns.

Maybe you've changed your mind. This is great. Oh, you know, haven't we shot guns together?

Yeah, you guys went to the range. You've got I cry. Pro guns. Yeah. When did I have a problem with guns?

Oh, okay. That's new. Damn. I think we should do something to keep him from Oh, well that for sure. Yeah.

It's one way to put it. Oh, you one of those you valdi liberals. I bet you think cops should have punisher logos on their phone, too, while they're waiting for the

country. It became cool for the libs to like guns. I'd say five years ago. No, dude. Ice flipped everybody. Now liberals are like, "Dude, I'm [ __ ]

No. Now, well, that was now Punisher skull." Yeah. Liberals, but but the the teeth are the rainbow of the LGBTQ.

Have you ever watched the Punisher logo with Brenthol or Barrenthal? [ __ ] sick.

Yeah, it's great. He's got PTSD, which is what he should have. He's just a full [ __ ] vigilante with PTSD. And I like Yeah. The the scene where like

that's check spots for me. I was dying watching that. Once he put the skull on his chest, I was like, "Holy [ __ ] cops think this is them."

Yeah. There's cops out there. Like that's pretty much it. They don't understand that he's in so many edits that cops share on Instagram. It's like It's like him putting the thing on the Punisher edit.

Punisher's a good season one. Good as [ __ ] I got to watch it. I never watched

season. He did with Daredevil was great, too. I didn't see that one. Season three of Daredevil or [ __ ] where Punisher comes in. [ __ ] rude.

Multiverse crossover. I used to love the Punisher that had like what's the guy from Hong in it? What's that guy?

Oh, yeah. That was great. Aaron, is that Aaron Ehart? No, kind of looks like him though.

Yeah, but I know what you're talking about. That [ __ ] was awesome. Was Hong about a dude with a big dick?

Yeah, he's about a jigalo. Okay. I remember I tried and I never watched that. He And by the way, that's how this how [ __ ] it was. All of his clients were just sexy ladies. Yeah.

Is that like a old gross gay dude stem cells? It's obviously that's every jugal jug.

I want to watch you. I want to watch you play with your bill. Old dudes. You're doing

Thomas Jane. Yes. Thomas Jane's just beating off for like a dude that looks like the guy that put together in sync.

I won't touch. That should have been the pilot episode. Beating off. Is a Lou is the guy. What's that guy's name? Lou uh

Witzky. No. No. That's [ __ ] shout out. Don't do that. Pedophile. Lou Whiskey.

Pedophile. Oh yeah, that's such a funny edit. The patriot. Traitor. [ __ ] Mental [ __ ]

Mental [ __ ] Traitor. Yeah. I used to watch TV Guide like at night at my cousin's house. I would just sit there and watch TV Guide, wait for HBO to come up, see if it was TBMA, and then it would say hung and I put on like [ __ ] this is gay.

Yeah. And then even Sex in the City, I would turn it on like at what point did they get naked?

Yeah. Dude, you turn it off. Rarely. Yeah. You missed the golden age. It was tough to catch a beat to Sex in the City. I got it done, but it was tough.

Uh, Mad Dog on um what's the flashing one? Oh, the infomercial one. Girls Go Wild. Well, that was that was a

that's a guarantee. Rock hard because I had no idea what jerking off was yet. Oh man,

those are the years. All those years you just go into bed with a full tank. I don't know what this is.

Oh my god. But then the first Z's after you pull it. Yeah. Where you go, I think I've just reached a different state of life.

No, I I was panicked cuz I I had no idea what was going on. I freaked the [ __ ] out.

That night of sleep was like the first night you busted. Yep. After I busted, I was like I was like, "Do I need to tell my Did I break something?"

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just I I just laid in bed and I was like, "I hope the same shit."

But you had brought hope I didn't do any experiences. I like if I wake up tomorrow and everything's fine.

I know it's a different topic, but first time I got a calf cramp while I was sleeping. I was like, great, my season's over.

I just tore everything in my leg. I don't want to sleep. I don't know what that was, but I'm done.

Wait, were you dead? Cuz you know what's funny is were you dead asleep? Yeah, it was in the morning. It was in the morning and I got a calf cramp. It was my god.

It was either my sophomore year going into my junior or junior. It was the offseason. It was right before football started and I was genuinely like season's done. I just tore everything. That's the most painful thing I've ever had.

Yeah. My my [ __ ] was atrocious because I did have older brothers and I had a portable DVD player and I found one of their porno DVDs which was busting up my butt volume two.

Shut up. And I would there was like a bunch of tries but nothing happened. Then one day it happened and it was like kind of nighttime. Got immediately scared. Thought I was going to hell. So I just sprinted outside and started playing basketball.

Yeah. Sweat out the sim. I was I was so scared. I was like, "What the [ __ ] did I just do?"

The only time I've ever been afraid like that from waking up is waking up with the hiccups for the first time. Do you feel like you're drowning on dry land?

Terrifying. You like go to sleep and you wake up, you go, you woke up with the hiccups.

I've done it, dude. I've done it all. Did you have like terrible indigestion? Yeah. And you start grubbing before sleep every night. I I was basically living with you. I saw the way you grub.

I would eat big mac and cheese. Go to sleep, dude. He would eat [ __ ] 50 H high- chews. Oh, dude. I used to walk through high [ __ ] Eat [ __ ] pounds of eat that curtain eating a high chick,

dude. I was for real. Just Japanese rubber that they sent over here. But I would order these like big [ __ ] tins of mac and cheese and dump hot sauce on it and then just like at 3:00 in the morning be like and then you wake up and you're like, "Dude, it's [ __ ] terrifying." Like uhoh. I try to go to sleep. You like sleepy but scared. It's the worst.

I've been scared waking up a lot lately. I just started having like crazy running thoughts like, "Dude, what the [ __ ] is going on?" And today's the day you die. You're going to die right now.

Here we go. Dude, I was having a completely fine day. Yeah. I I think I had sleep paralysis this week.

Same here. When you guys get Are you so scared? You're just scared and can't do anything?

No. At this point, I can I can see it h like I'll be having a dream and go like I'll wake up try to go back to sleep and I start having a dream where like I'm get I'm about to like fall over. I was like you [ __ ] I'm about to have sleep paralysis. Don't have sleep paralysis. I can like feel it coming on and go you [ __ ] Damn. I didn't have the full I just woke up scared as [ __ ] from something. I don't know what that was. It sounded like something was in my room screaming.

Yeah, cuz you'll like think like you'll always kind of dream a little like two minutes. I was Yeah, it was terrifying. So funny. You're so terrified, but then immediately go to sleep. That's so funny.

Whatever. Nothing we haven't seen before. Just in the middle of But then you're like,

you ever have the knock where you're going to sleep and you literally thought someone knocked on the door and you're like looking around like

No, that would scare the [ __ ] scares. I was I much rather wake up with the cups than than [ __ ] than a than a a castle door knocking

just like a It's like a cop knock. What the [ __ ] But I'm just dreaming. I told you I had one where somebody walked across my room and it was so real. I thought it was my dad. I was like, "No one else is here." I was like, "Phil, get the [ __ ] out of my room, dude." He just walked and stood in the corner where it was really dark. I couldn't see anything. And then it took me like two minutes to be like, "No one's there. This is That was a I saw a ghost walk across. That's when the fear start.

But for some reason, I wasn't scared at all. Really? I don't know why. Yeah. Even after the realization that you're like, "No one's in the room."

Yeah. No one's in the room. Probably from that time of the service, bro. Probably skeletons in the closet.

Damn. You were the Punisher. If you guys saw what I saw. Damn. You're Frank Castle. You guys have no idea. You guys were [ __ ] around in college.

I was at the point. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. What year was it? 07. Brother graduating eighth grade, my friend.

Okay. I'm talking about your time in the in college. You went, you [ __ ] off. They said this is not a a man for higher education.

No. No. [ __ ] no. He's not ready for books. Where'd you go? Time for podcast. I went to Delaware County Community College for a year de president's list. No big deal. And then Temple I quit after a year,

two years. And I was like I two years. It was like three class. I was like, you can take three classes.

Sweet. So I just took three classes. I was like, physics is [ __ ] I did a thing where I had a dream about this that I was going to somehow miss a class and it was like some like second semester or some [ __ ] MLK day was on that Monday and I was like I'm taking a screenshot of my [ __ ] uh courses so I can just use this every [ __ ] week. And then in physics they kept talking about this lab that I had no idea what the [ __ ] they were talking about. It turns out I was I took a screenshot of MLK day which we were off that day so there was no class.

So, I missed a construction safety class and a physics lab for about a month and a half. And then I came to the construction safety thing. I was like, I had no idea I had this class. I passed that one, but I just dropped physics cuz [ __ ] that. Physics is impossible.

You missing all that time and coming in and being like, they kept, you've learned basic things that I have no concept of.

They kept talking about it in class. I was like Beetlejuice in class. Okay. No clue what's going on. The lab in class. Oh, yeah. I went to one lab and I was like, I got to drop this. Yeah, dude. When you when you [ __ ] out kick your coverage in college, you go to I was like I needed a class and I was like, I'll do philosophy. I'm a pretty philosophical dude.

Yeah. I was like, what is it? Rationalism. Let's [ __ ] go. I didn't realize Arizona has one of the top philosophy departments in the [ __ ] country. And I took like a 400

and it was Renee Deart and it was so hard that I was just rereading sentences and I had to go to the teacher like I was [ __ ] I was like, I don't understand any of this. He's like, "Well, you took a couple 100s and 200s." I was like, "No." And he went, "How are you able to sign up for this class?" I was like, "I don't know, brother, but we're here."

You said, "I signed up, therefore I am." Yeah. Yeah. There you go. How [ __ ] different between body and mind. Or is there a [ __ ]

Yeah. And I I get I just smoke camels before I'd go in there. And he just like always looked at me like, "Get out of here.

I think I got a D." So I passed. That's good. Those books are [ __ ] anyway. Yeah.

Yeah. They I've tried to read them. It's nonsense. Just a French [ __ ] heroin addict.

Yeah. And they don't just being like, "Am I alive? Are you alive?" And they don't they don't like write it in a way that it's like building an argument. No.

And they say that from like the jump drugs. Yeah. They just say old drugs. They didn't even know they were drugs. They thought they were just [ __ ] inspired.

Supposedly all those grim fairy tale people were on heroin and [ __ ] like Hans and GR all that. They were just [ __ ] up on heroin and made all these scary ass tears. That is that makes so much sense of you. If Shakespeare two 14year-olds falling in love to the point of suicide is just a guy [ __ ] working out heroin.

He was like, I was in love yesterday and now I'm [ __ ] sweating. I kill myself. She killed herself. [ __ ] all this [ __ ]

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I wonder if homeless or heroin guys are still hitting [ __ ] scary stool.

In those camps, in those tents. Oh, dude. That's those are the [ __ ] Yeah. Around the [ __ ] trash campfire. I was in a three-bedroom, two bath a year ago.

Yeah. I had a family. I had a family. I was trusted in love. This is too scary. I'm going to bed.

Hold on. I got to go before the sun bakes me under this highway. Have you played Stalker 2?

No. Very good game. You should try it. Oh, I'm all about Arc Raiders right now.

I haven't played that. I've been hearing a lot about Arc Raiders. There's a [ __ ]

I'm sorry. It just reminds me of Did you see Li King went the water burger? You got

You saw the video though. I have redemption. There's a [ __ ] video. There's like one moment of silence on a podcast and Billy Billy tried to hit a new topic out of nowhere. He just goes great.

Yo, did you guys see Liver King go to Waterburger with his family and order like a huge meal?

I didn't I didn't sell it with that much authority. I was very tired. But if you watch it, is it not crazy?

It was It was fun. They [ __ ] How what was the total cost, do you think? I don't know. He orders everything, but I think it was like when he was going through like a psychosis. So,

he was having a breakdown. It was [ __ ] nuts. And he just kept like [ __ ] saying the weirdest [ __ ] to people.

What do Do you think anybody in his family like when you know anybody you've known people go crazy when he locked in on Rogan where people like, "Hey, hey, hey, why don't we just shift off?"

I don't think, dude. They were riding like in caravans. They were Yeah, they're like multiple cars together.

It's crazy. Driving. They put a Super Mario America cart all together in a pole barn and they each have a 65 in TV this close to their face. I would do anything that if that was my dad but I will die.

Libert does. Yes. Family bonding time. They all have 65 in TVs literally like a foot away from their face. Play American entire podcast networks.

Went to Boy. I go through an Austin killing spree for [ __ ] 65 inch Mario Kart.

Yeah. went to Waterburger and ordered [ __ ] everything. Those kids will probably murder someone first.

Yeah, true. Yeah, that is like Is he allowed to get toppings on stuff? Is that against his mantra?

3.0. 1.0 was all about that [ __ ] 3.0. Holy Trinity. You can do whatever you want. You can do whatever you want. Just got to be happy. Just got to lock it down.

Yeah. And do HGH. $30,000 of it a month. A month. It was something wild. Like he was doing like 20 grand of HGH a month. And then he had people like [ __ ] like, I think I'm gonna turn my life around, honey, and buy liver and eat it raw.

That's the first It's always the first guy. Yeah. This sounds like a great idea.

This guy looks fantastic. Yeah. Liver's so hard make sick. No pain, no gain. He's like, we're trying to gut it down. He's like, I'm gonna look like you. All right. This guy's just like,

dude, could Liver King hit a baseball? I doubt it. That'd be fun if he just [ __ ]

That'd be awesome if you got He's just hitting like 530. He's just showing Otan. He's like

That'd be sick. Nah, he's he's not a fine motor skills guy. No, but I'm just saying

running with weights if he could. You never know, dude. There's no way. The king.

The king. There's no way. Not to be confused with the guy. I bet he could I bet he could throw a dart.

I don't think his fine motor skills are all there. And he also has a hurt eye. Yeah, he does have a hurt. He actually is good. Like uh the superhero is that the eye like Hawkeye.

Hawkeye. Yeah. Least favorite person. He just throw. Yeah. Just got the bow and arrow.

Yeah. He pissed me off. I just watched I'm I'm going through the multiverse in correct order right now. So I just got to Hawkeye fighting with Thor and them. It's pretty good

with the bow and arrow though. Yeah. Just [ __ ] people up. But all by Loki. But does he do anything other than fire a bow and arrow?

No, he just got the [ __ ] Hawkeye. He's security. No, he just got the [ __ ] Hawkeye. He's security, but also wants to die with a bow and arrow.

But he's got wild [ __ ] I think he's like some sort of [ __ ] freak ninja or something like that.

Wait, somebody should fight him that just has a gun. Yeah, they go, "Hey, cool bow and arrow."

Yeah, I have a AK-47. Look at this. Hey, Hawkeye. No, he's like the Comanche, dude.

Yeah. How'd that turn out for them? You were on the ran into some [ __ ] gun. Yeah, they ran into iron.

He's got next level movement, I'm sure. Yeah. Can he move that fast or something?

I don't [ __ ] know, honestly. I really don't. It's just a guy with an archer, like a gun.

Said I mean, no offense to him. I just don't like Hawkeye. Nothing against Jiren.

Yeah, Jiren Rener kind of rules. Yeah, he's cool. I think he got [ __ ] up for a while, though.

He did. He got smooshed. He got smooshed by like a snowmobile. Yeah, that would kill one. Did you ever see the size of it?

Yo, those cats. He got rolled up on it. What? He got rolled up on Got actually smooshed.

You ever think you could take a car rolling over your foot? Yeah. Think about every time a car backs up next to me, I just want to [ __ ] put my foot

quickly. You'd be fine. I think I think it would just go like but like I think if it stopped on your foot, you're in [ __ ] big trouble.

Yeah, you're in trouble. That pressure something to think about this week. I've been watching uh Sri Lanka's Got Talent on Instagram.

Who? Sri Lanka. The island nation. That is good [ __ ] So good. Who are the judges?

One of them was uh I don't know just whoever like three fat guys from Sri Lanka.

Yeah. They're like dude you're fat. You must be so powerful. You have Lauren shirt on, sir. Can you judge this dance competition? Who's the dude? Is it from Street Fighter? He's from Sri Lanka.

Sagot. Oh, is it Sagot? The [ __ ] crazy mullet that's like what? No, Blanca is from Brazil.

He's from Brazil. I thought he's from Sri Lanka. Maybe it's just Blanca. I just know from the map selecting Street Fighter 2.

That's what I'm talking about. It looks like it's filmed in the parking lot of America's Got Talent. Like it looks like they were like, "You guys can go outside."

His talent's This is crazy. That's his talent. Wheels flat, bro. He gets run over by a tractor.

How do you think he discovered his talent? Over his cheeks. Damn. But you got to tune in to Sri Lanka's Got Talent. Season three.

Yeah. You never think about how third how worse worse countries have way better talent shows because it's like basic necessity.

You got to see how bad these talents are. There's like four dudes roller skating. That was one of them.

Yeah. This is incredible. How the [ __ ] did you guys get roller skates? Yeah. What? I like the action.

Got roller skates drinking non-potable water. Look at this. Look at this cloudy cup.

It's honestly like a fifth grade kids have talent. That's what the moves are. It's like a kid goes outside. He goes, "Yeah, I got a bike.

I'm going to jump over one trash can and go, "Holy [ __ ] this kid's unbelievable." He goes, "I bet you I I'll eat that.

I'll eat. I'll eat anything." He goes, "See these two worms?" Yeah. Don't give me an X. I've been getting hit with African skateboarders like on dirt roads and swapping sick.

That's nice. Very good. African pro wrestling is what's up. You seen those guys in Ghana?

No, I don't think I doing the mud ring. They do some crazy [ __ ] Those power bombs on the mud look [ __ ] cool as hell. They're hitting like they're hitting like cool ass moves and you're like these guys aren't doing it with like a ring with any break in it. You're like

big mud splash. Yeah, huge mud splash. Like big Indian guys, fake wrestling, whatever that is. Slap each other's chest. Yeah, you you understand what is going on there.

That kills. Yeah, that would hurt. Getting slapped in hard as [ __ ] You dig chops. They like jump occasionally. They throw like Superman slap.

I seen a my cousin Ajax. He's [ __ ] huge. And he was up on a ladder on an extension ladder and he either hit a power washer or something like that. Like pressed it, fell back from the top, hit the ground. I saw him make an imprint in the grass and dirt and got the [ __ ] up.

Really? It was the craziest [ __ ] I've ever seen. Was it like do you think he has like drunk driver brain where he was just like relaxed and just went like

No, Ajax is just like a like an animal. He's like a [ __ ] beast. It's crazy to watch him hit and then watch him get back

right up. Wait, didn't he crush a burrito? What was that? Oh, he used to crush burritos all the time, but he used to like he'll eat a drink a whole pot of coffee cold.

What? Yeah. Hey guys, really quickly, um please, for the love of God, come out this weekend. Las Vegas, Nevada, the Plazo Theater. You guys are a lastm minute town. You do this to me every time I come there and you just you buy tickets like 2 days before and it makes me nervous. Please come. And that's that's this Friday night, 213 2026. Uh 214 Valentine's Day. I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Denver, Colorado. Uh it's looking pretty solid, but you know, just come out. If you if you don't know about it, you're hearing about it. If you want to come, come. And then after that, I'll be in Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Indianapolis. Uh, I'll be in a bunch of places. Go to mattcusker.com for tickets, please. And, uh, just please come to uh, Optimal Knocks. Me, La Mer, Sean. It's always a good time. The next one is February 17th at the Creek in the Cave. You can get tickets on

creekinthecave.com, please. And La Mer's mom will be at this next one. I mean, come on.

Mrs. Lee will be at the next option if that sells you. And I'll also be in Salt Lake City with Nathan March 27th and 28th, I believe. Tickets are at shangardini.com. This is Shan Gardini. Thank you so much.

Also, go to Lincoln Financial Field for Shane show. Oh, yeah. Go see Shane. That's going to be very, very sick. And hey guys, I'm looking at the seat map right now. Don't think like, oh, I'll get around to it. This is going to sell out. I'm looking at it. It's pretty close to sold out. So,

you better go. That's awesome. All right. And we're back. What a Wow. What a great

What a Wow. What a great audience. Wow. Oh, I haven't talked since we did the garden. That was fun.

[ __ ] awesome. Thanks for having me. That was so [ __ ] fun. You were Saturday right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was Friday. I heard the Friday was bananas. Had to be Saturday. I lost my voice, but Friday ruled.

Friday was crazy cuz um it it was me, Chay, Atel, then Louie. But I've never seen someone get a comedy club pop at an arena like Louis where David tell went Lou CK. And everyone went, "Yeah." And then they saw him and they were like,

it was crazy. Like they didn't believe it. They went like, "Yeah, Louis CK's here." And then you see him walk up the steps and everyone was like, "Fuck." It was awesome.

Holy [ __ ] It was [ __ ] really cool. We also both went Thursday for scouting report.

Yeah, we both watched. Funny as [ __ ] was Santino was going first on Thursday and I got coffee with him because originally I was supposed to go second on Friday and I'm like I had like I'm going second confidence where I talk to Santino on Thursday. I go dude going first is fine. You just go up there [ __ ] lay on the jokes it'll be great. Santino's like all right all right and then I go there and Shane goes hey you're going first on Friday and I was like [ __ ] Immediately walked down to Salino and I was like how was it? He's like it was good. He's like, he's like after he went like, "You go first." I was like,

"Oh, and you had to stretch. Did you know that?" Oh, yeah. Yeah. I laughed it off. Did I tell you that Natalia came and went like this? And I went,

"Yeah." No. Cuz I was like, "You're in the round." And you're like, "Yeah, there's no chance." If somebody if somebody walked out while I was on stage at the [ __ ] garden was like, "Do more time."

Yeah. I And I was like, "Just finished the joke." And I went, "No." And then I came back around and she was like, "Got the [ __ ] shot." And I was like, I would be in my head too being like that has to be a bit.

Did you guys see Li King? I thought he was [ __ ] with me. There was a certain where I was like what kind of joke is this?

This is where Ali fought Frasier. What are we doing here? How cool is this? It was cool as [ __ ]

Chay old Mikey Chay. He was hilarious. What an animal. I know. I mean to show up late.

Shows up late in the dips. I didn't even see showed up late killed and then left. just I went on

after uh when you went up I was watching you for a while and then I was like came back and I was like where the [ __ ] is Jay like he laughed after a sec.

Oh my he's dropping to a set like he's got another spot. Oh I did New York comedy club the garden and then uh [ __ ] the stand late but it was dude that was [ __ ] awesome.

That was that was awesome. Can I tell you my favorite part was Kath and I were watching for one of the secret hallways and it was when you were shit-talking Sarah and you were like she [ __ ] terrorized me and then I see Shane go that [ __ ] is here tonight. He says it on stage and he goes and he brought her daughter. That little [ __ ] is with her. He's talking [ __ ] and then Sarah walks up as we're standing there and I go do you hear him talk [ __ ] and your sister went a we deserve everything. She's like we were horrible to him.

They suck. It was so funny watching her go, yeah, whatever. talk to the whole Guardian about

I knew it was coming. I didn't think it'd be this, but I knew it was coming. Hey, what sweet revenge to watch it click in your head to go, Nice to see you tonight.

Oh, yeah. You [ __ ] [ __ ] Giant fat [ __ ] It was crazy. That was very fun to watch.

Yeah, it was it was awesome. Voss, man. Yeah. Big Voss out there. That was great.

It was great, dude. Colin Quinn, it was fun to see Voss be nervous. Yeah. Before this, he was so nervous.

Can I tell you something that I don't know if he'll admit, but in a good way. Louisie was nervous. Everyone was everyone was nervous. It was crazy to watch Louis though. But like I was standing there him being like

especially like was killing. Tell was killed. Tell was killing. Yeah, that hurt.

Tell called the subway Lord Choo Chu. [ __ ] it. He must be fed. Was so funny. He's like, "If you're a tourism, go down, ride the subway, get assaulted. Lord Choo Choo needs blood." So

he was just like, he just looked like a homeless guy that went up there and [ __ ] killed.

So [ __ ] Yeah, dude. He was the man. But then Louis went up. It was It was great. It was [ __ ] really cool.

Yeah. I just I like having all those guys. People like, "How do you aren't you worried to follow all those guys?" It's like, "No, I mean they're going to bury me."

Yeah. It's just I want the people to pay to go to an arena. Be like, "That [ __ ] was cool."

Yeah. It's less pressure on me. Did it tell hit the recorder? No. No, he did hit Garden would have been nice.

I mean, dude, I used to hear him playing that during COVID when we were doing outside shows. I swear to God you would take a corner and hear like and you'd be like a tell's near if I was like tracking him like you hear him like that tell's near the corner.

It's like Grand Theft Auto mission go ah I'm not doing it yet. No, [ __ ] that. I don't want to do that one. That was cool as [ __ ] man. Three nights at the garden.

That was sick. Yeah, it was. It did suck. I got sick on Saturday. Yeah, you couldn't tell.

Everyone said you couldn't tell. I can tell. And I was in my head the whole time. I forgot how many [ __ ] impressions I do

the entire I'd start a joke and be like great I scream in this I scream in like 10 [ __ ] jokes

dude there's nothing funnier doesn't make any sense there's nothing funnier than a gay act out getting killed by you being like

no voice yeah Jim and you're like I really in that moment you go I really am gay

those moments where you're doing a voice and you can't cuz you're sick you're like

it's just any anytime bombing an act out you're like I am the [ __ ] gayest dude alive right Yeah.

Oh my god, dude. The funniest [ __ ] that I used to love watch on YouTube was comics bombing with actouts and then having to get off the ground.

Oh. So they like go like Yeah. L laying down joke and then they get up and they go. So anyways, that's just kind of

That's what that's like. This [ __ ] always [ __ ] kills me. People laying on their back and talking into the mic and no one laughing and then having to stand up.

Stand up. I've seen it. I've seen We've seen it a million times. Not knowing the floor is dusty as [ __ ] just just covered in salt.

Especially like like a black comic doing like an act hour. He's like and then I get popped. It pops up and then it's on. He's like,

"How y'all doing tonight? A lot of beautiful women here." Oh, ladies, y'all look beautiful. I got dusting off.

Yeah, I saw a guy hit the lay down bomb at uh Mcoobies getting heckled while laying down.

Jesus Christ. Laying on his back getting heckled. Get up, dude. That you suck, [ __ ]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, Mr. Hey, whatever. [ __ ] you, dude. Just laying down on the goobies just looking up at a [ __ ] ceiling of a comedy club.

I'm going to kill myself in Timmonium. Never thought I'd blow my head off in Timmonium Maryland.

Dude, last time, one of the last times I was in the night. I tried finding a PS4 controller. This was like a couple years ago. And I drove all over Timmonium looking for

that mall there. Went to the GameStop. Yeah. Got into it with the guy. I was like, I need a PlayStation 4 controller. He was like, "We don't sell them." And I was like, "How? How? You're [ __ ] GameStop." And he was like, "Sir,

you're cursing at me." He hit the Don't curse at me in the store. I mean, how your [ __ ] GameStop is

It's a little aggressive. Yeah. I would have gone was it like PS5 out or like why did they

It was like PS5 was not out yet, but they like only had the controller. It was one of those times where you couldn't get a PS5. Like I think that might have been out, but only in stores were like the controllers for them.

[ __ ] And I was trying to get a PS4 controller. I was like, "Dude, I need a PS4."

I was saying, "Did you break? Did you break the other one?" Uh, no. Did you throw a pickles?

No. I don't break stuff anymore. After after I moved out with the punching table, I don't punch stuff. Actually, you know what stopped me from punching table?

This table was terrifying. You got a glass table? No. Katie Katie bought these uh IKEA [ __ ] tables and I put my hand through one and her reaction from the other room was so I was so embarrassed by it. you play

uh I think it might have been Madden. It might have been Madden and I think I threw a pick six to end it and I [ __ ] ca I came down with a hammer fist on it

and just broke the table and just her from the other room going was that struck me in a way as an adult that I was like I went on IKEA and ordered one immediately. They were 12 bucks so it wasn't that bad.

It was $12 table. Yeah. You eventually going to put a cup down on it. the thing is going to explode. I just wore swell up just that like hearing a grown it like snap me back to reality or I was like oh the

said oops there goes gravity I mean but just having that hearing your grown woman go watching you guys watch me spaz out didn't affect me at all I've I've said it 10 million times your spaz on Dros is my favorite spaz

I think he's the only person to be able to get me to that He can get anyone to go like,

"Would you just [ __ ] stop?" My nephew just did this to my niece. See, they were playing I got him Super Nintendo for Christmas and they're all playing. He died and she laughed at him. He just went hit her in the [ __ ] head. They had to break him up. I was like, "Bro, you got to [ __ ] chill out." And he immediately got even more pissed off. So, I didn't hit her. Like, we just saw you hit.

Mario gets you so angry. You know, it's a different anger. It is. It's a different

I've hit a new anger. I just rage quit. Yeah. I just hit home screen immediately. Shut the [ __ ] thing off.

I mean, throw a pick. I go, I'm done. The way that people cope for most of their life is they go, "The computer's [ __ ]

Yeah, it's crooked, dude. I remember Big Jay would hit me with that when I'd be beating him in Madden." He'd go, "The computer likes you more." You're like, "What? You think this is a popularity contest with the computer?"

I had a meltdown the other night in uh Hell Let Loose. I got into I got Dude, Jules,

I got into building like fortresses. I'd love to. learn how to do that. Yeah. So, I was just running supplies for like 20 minutes to just dump a million supplies in this. I was like starting to build a fortress and then all the other engineers came and started building [ __ ] and uh this guy just put a piece of barbwire fence and like [ __ ] it so hard and I was like, "No."

That is a lot of work though. And it's probably ran for like an hour. Yeah. It's not

I was driving the supply truck. Damn. Yeah. It's also that's crazy to play that game and be like I'm going to be the supply truck guy.

That's wild. See no action, dude. You just literally just dropped dressing up in the [ __ ] uh regalia.

I know. It's a perfect point. I could like I could I was building sick bunkers and [ __ ] everywhere. Like we had the whole thing defended. We just needed to close off this one side and this [ __ ] just put And you can't dismantle barb wire. You have to like blow it up.

And it was like for the game to end. Yeah. Yeah. That guy and that guy knew what he was doing. He was like, "Watch this." That's always frustrating when we getting a tank. You got to drive the length of the battlefield and it ends.

Yeah, I just did that in Call of Duty. I just been using bazooka over and over. I don't have my headset and the dude was just like, "Why don't you stop [ __ ] shooting and stuff and take down a UAV, you [ __ ] asshole." And I just [ __ ] went over and shot him with I did that.

I had an officer try to steal one supply truck and I shot him. Really? I was like, "Get your own, dude. Talk to the commander. Get another.

Yeah, Vietnam's going to be nice. Yeah, it's going to be nice. Hell at lose Vietnam.

Really? Me and the Okam are good. I don't do I mean, I'll play I It's weird. I get into video games, but I have to be like recommended them. Yeah,

I have to be stalker 2. You'll [ __ ] play the show. All right. I mean, Arc Raiders was the thing I got at New Year's and I [ __ ] love it. But [ __ ] just camp out and kill you when you're about to leave in the elevator. They just rat your ass.

I've heard it's awesome. I got recommended that game. I was thinking about getting it. So

yeah, it's great. Yeah, you can team up, right? Team of threes. Go trios, bro. Gabe's doing uh

That would be Tarov on Twitch. Gabe Davis. I got into Twitch. I never got Twitch. It's hilarious. So

Oh, watch people play. I watched it last night. Twitch is nuts. Yeah, I just watch Gabes.

You can watch all types of [ __ ] Nobody's watching. There's like people with zero views. It's awesome,

dude. Do you know how much you can [ __ ] with someone if you just go to their thing and then give them like a hundred bucks and they'd be like, "Shane Gillis is giving you 100 bucks."

There you go. Anyways, you guys are going to see here this is zero views. It's I've looked at it last night. A lot of it's girls

doing like ASMR and I I clicked one and I like almost entered the I think I entered the chat,

but I don't think I don't think it shows your name, but I panicked. Wow. Wow. Oh, there he is. Welcome back.

It's It's fun, man. You're here on Twitch. I never even knew that thing existed.

Yeah, I I I set it up. I was trying to stream on it for a while. That would have been fun. Dude, I do stream.

I'm a mod in Gab's uh Twitch. Yeah, I just kick everyone out to talk [ __ ] I like that.

Yeah, it's fine. Kick his [ __ ] brother out. You do sucker [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah, cuz Gabe keeps saying he's going to beat me up. And I said, "Gabe, I'm going to literally I'll pay someone to kill you."

He was He was going to ban people that like Gabe. That's ruer. He was playing kept just messaging Gabe, remember our time in Cleveland? That was so much fun. remember what we did in Cleveland? He's [ __ ] freaking out.

Yeah, he doesn't he doesn't take kindly to it. I get in there, I say, "Show holes. Show cheeks. Show your feet." He's like, "What the [ __ ] is wrong with you?"

Also, with the lighting. Yeah. Headset is very funny. I just try to get him to kill his teammates. He won't

shoot. I mean, one of the hardest you've ever made me laugh was when I started playing Red Dead Redemption 2 and I went to the bathroom and I come back out and Shane has my controller unpaused and he's aiming my gun at my horse's head and I was like, "Dude, what are you doing?" He's like, "I'm going to kill your [ __ ] I'm going to kill Night Shadow."

Shadow. He's like, "I'm going to kill Night Shadow. I had a black horse." I like, "Don't you kill my black horse."

He came and he hostage. You get It's a custom name. He named it Night He sat typed in Night Shadow. What a cool name for a horse.

That's why I wanted to kill it. No. What a cool name. Destroy something beautiful. No, it's it is beautiful. So you admit it's beauty.

Night shadows. No, it's a white man in high as [ __ ] queens and naming your horse night shadow.

Take me back. True. Take me back. I agree. Take me back to innocent time of riding around Night Shadow to Saint Denise.

Oh, old Saint Den. Yeah, we had some times back then. Yeah, dude. Find the Vampire and Saint Den.

I would I would love to get into that game, but I feel like I'd get swallowed by it. You should Red Dead Redemption 2 is awesome. You never played it?

No. You should play it. Yes. Yeah. But I really want to do the thing where I I just want to like open a general store and like run.

You get to that. You get to that. Yeah. You can you can do some [ __ ] like that.

I want to just be a good businessman in town. I'm with you. I get I I'm trying to play Fall Anytime a new season of Fallout comes out, I just play the game. And I forgot I don't play the game. I just scrap metal and try to build forts.

Kraken. I'm literally on the first level. on the first battle converters. I just get under car for real. I just scrap metal barrels. I can build a gun turret.

You just play a meth game. I can get in that [ __ ] soul house. You can take meth. You can take Yeah.

Yeah. I get addicted. Yeah. And then you have withdrawals if you can't find it.

Really? Yeah. I'm addicted to jet and scrap metal. So fun. I play it for hours and then I go I didn't beat one level.

On arc raiders. You can hit yourself with uh stimulant. So you like don't have it and but the other players will hear you. So they'll run ahead of me and you hear me going just me being like I'm just hopping up and down and it's like every time I [ __ ] hit it. Every time I hit the stem.

Were you good at that cyberpunk game? No, I never played it though cuz it came out was too shitty.

Dong size. You choose your dong size. [ __ ] nuts. You know what I found out about the Olympics? Do you know those ski jumpers?

Yeah. do this [ __ ] where when they're getting fitted for suit, they like shoot something in their dick to make their dick bigger. Yeah. And then they get fitted for their ski jump. Why?

So they have extra flap so it carries them farther. Carries them like 9 ft farther.

They were like make that a little bigger. You're illegal. It's illegal. You got to go in.

You got to have a fake dong. Is that a sock in there? Yeah. Can only be soon. That's clearly two rolls of socks in another

be so much bigger than your actual just a remote. It's a cucumber and tin foil.

So, you got to have a big dick to be. I mean, just one more hurdle from me becoming a great ski jumper.

I thought gravity was better, but if dick side, there's no injection. Well, no. What they do is they inject it to make it puffier, puff out, and then when they're competing, their dick's normal again.

So, now just go inside my body and not make my dick bigger. Just have a huge like [ __ ]

Just go get super embarrassed and have your dick tiny. Look, can't you just crap your pants and have it sag?

They should probably cut weight. That's just gain a ton of weight for the suit fitting and they have the opposite of it. Very fat for the event fitting.

Weak as hell flying down that thing. Take it out. I like it. It's a good ass idea.

There's I don't know about you guys. I've been watching some figure skating and some of those guys have nice asses.

Every single one of these little twinks that gets up quad guy. Yeah, I watched the quad god today that

dude he looks Yeah, he looks like he can fly. Like he looks like if you were like his mom's a fairy, you'd be like, "Oh yeah,

his back flips and shit." He landed on one footed. His big his number one rival is just this little tiny Japanese man

who was a good battle. I don't know if you watched their short program. I did today

on the team. The Japanese man took a little stumble and they didn't [ __ ] penalize him for [ __ ]

I was talking about Oh, not the team one. Yeah, the team one. He was flawless. Quad god though, hitting those back flips.

Well, apparently those don't do [ __ ] for you. Really? Yeah. That's not part of the

He just wants you to know for a while. It's part of the uh there's like because of how gay the sport is. Half your points are like dancing.

Yeah. You have to like and like presentation and [ __ ] and the moves are just half your

makes sense. Who's gay? Spinning time. How are they not busy as [ __ ] I went on a round type thing at a park the other day.

Dude, if I roll If I do a neck roll, if I do a neck roll, I'm just Yeah. I got to sit down. Holy [ __ ] I c my nephew put me on started spinning around. I got off. That's hilarious. Like oh [ __ ] dude.

It was like three minutes of dizzy. And they always tried to say do that thing. You look at a spot like you like snap your head around and come back to the spot. It's like that is that makes it worse. Spinning my head.

You want to feel the whole world. That's when you that's when you take a long tumble.

Take a brisk. Here we go. We're [ __ ] going in. Oh [ __ ] All right. Well, it's great seeing you.

Great. Time to go eat dinner. So, what do you guys think about getting some dinner? You want

merang? He wants it. You want some lemon mering? I'm going to [ __ ] up some lemon mering.

You want some meatloaf? Where Where's the lemon mering spot? One out of two ain't bad.

Don't worry about it. Um, all right. Sick. See you guys soon. I'll try to do this again. Sorry.

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Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)"?

Matt McCusker (Host), Shane Gillis (Host), Dan Soder (Guest).

What is "Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)" about?

The conversation revolves around humorous and candid anecdotes about bodily experiences, with participants exchanging stories about unusual health topics like tonsil stones and adolescent puberty changes. They engage in light-hearted banter about their past experiences, including odd smells and the quirks of teenage curiosity, punctuated by a comedic exchange about food and personal hygiene.

What is mentioned in this Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast episode?

15 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including La Mer, HGH, Austin, Flyers, Darius Liver, Joe Rogan. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Ep 598 - Night Shadow (feat. Dan Soder, Chris O'Connor, Billy)"?

The episode runs 1 h 3 min; the transcript is about 14,746 words in 460 timestamped sections.

More from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 15, 2026.