Why 70% of Men Don't Get Second Dates with Dating Coach Blaine Anderson

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on the reasons why many men struggle to secure second dates, highlighting the importance of engaging women in conversation and creating a desirable vibe during interactions. Key points include the necessity of fostering feelings of desire, demonstrating high status, and being fun to engage with, which collectively enhance the potential for romantic chemistry and future dates.

Key takeaways

• To capture a second date, let her talk—your listening must outshine your wallet.
• Desirability is the new currency; status alone doesn't spark romance without emotional connection.
• Even a diamond needs polishing—keep dating your partner to maintain that irresistible allure.
• Pandemic survival taught us: a profile makeover can convert 'no matches' into wedding bells.
• Engagement is a dance—flirting and fun are the rhythm; without it, you'll miss a step.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Ryan Hawk (Host) · 21 min speaking
• Blaine Anderson (Guest) · 31 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 5:00: Learning Leader Show
2. 5:00 – 10:00: Dan Pink
3. 15:00 – 20:00: Luke Burgess, Renee Gerard
4. 45:00 – 50:00: Shark Tank
5. 50:00 – 52:17: Shark Tank

Notable quotes from "Why 70% of Men Don't Get Second Dates with Dating Coach Blaine Anderson"

• All right, Blaine, it is so cool to have you here on the Learning Leader Show.

  about Learning Leader Show · at 1:16

• You're selling yourself to another person. And this and Dan Pink wrote a great book, Toell as Human, that is all about exactly things you're going to talk about. So, we're going to go deep on how you help people get really.

  about Dan Pink · at 5:48

• Well, we want what's in demand. like Renee Gerard. I remember Luke Burgess wrote wanting like the it's all about this mimemetic desire that humans from an evolutionary perspective want what.

  about Renee Gerard · at 18:53

• Yeah, Shark Tank was amazing. I'm so happy I did it. It was a great, check it off the bucket list item.

  about Shark Tank · at 50:22

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Dan Pink — Person · Referenced author · 1 mention · first at 5:50
  Cited to support the idea that 'selling' is a human skill relevant to dating—positioning dating as a form of self-marketing and influence.
• Renee Gerard — Person · Referenced thinker (misnamed) · 1 mention · first at 18:53
  Invoked in a discussion of mimetic desire—humans wanting what others want—supporting the 'in demand' / status dynamic in dating.
• Luke Burgess — Person · Referenced author/connector · 1 mention · first at 18:55
  Mentioned as an author associated with mimetic desire, reinforcing the episode’s theme that perceived demand/status shapes attraction and choice.
  Well, we want what's in demand. like Renee Gerard. I remember Luke Burgess wrote wanting like the it's all about this mimemetic desire that humans from an evolutionary perspective want what other people want. It's weird but it's.

Books & papers

• To Sell Is Human — Book · Referenced work · 2 mentions
  Referenced as a book that aligns with the discussion on selling oneself in dating and relationships.

Media & podcasts

• Learning Leader Show — Media · Host · 1 mention · first at 1:18
  The podcast where the conversation takes place, hosting the discussion on dating and relationships.
• Shark Tank — Media · Referenced work · 2 mentions · first at 49:50
  Mentioned in the context of Blaine's business pitch and the experience of appearing on the show.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 But the fact of the matter is someone, man or woman, is going to perceive a date to be better if they talked more. If you want a second date with a woman, your goal should be to keep her talking. I read that you said women want three things. Can you go deeper on what they actually want? It's not about how much money is in your bank account. It's not about the car you drive. It's about the feeling and the vibe that you bring to every interaction. People want somebody who's in demand or people want things that are in demand. Being in demand indicates and elevates your status. The desire point is really important because that's what creates the romantic chemistry. A woman can think you're high status, but if she doesn't feel desired by you and there's not that romantic undertone in your interactions with her, she's not going to see you as a romantic partner. the flirting and fun becomes important

0:48 because even if you're expressing your desire appropriately and even if she sees you as high status, if you're not fun to be around and it doesn't feel good to spend time with you, she's not going to want to be in a relationship with you. So, all three of those things need to be present for there to be the possibility of her wanting to date you or to marry you or to go on a second date.

1:16 All right, Blaine, it is so cool to have you here on the Learning Leader Show. Welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me. So, this may seem like out of left field for people because you're like one of the greatest, maybe the best dating coach in the world, and I'm not going on any dates with anyone other than my wife. Uh, with that said, I thought of you, Blaine, when I was rereading some of Charlie Munger stuff who recently died and somebody asked him the question, "Hey, Charlie, how do I how do I get a great wife?" And he paused and he said, "Deserve one." And I feel like Blaine, your work, it that's what it's all about. You you're about becoming the type of person that deserves a great wife or a great husband. And so I'd like to focus a lot of our conversation on that element of how you coach people. So to get us started, I am curious though to hear more about like you and how you got into this line of work of helping

2:17 guys be better about dating women and get and going into deeper relationships and eventual marriage and kids and things like that. Yeah, absolutely. Well, first of all, I love that you said, you know, you're obviously married. You're not looking to date anybody new. But the fact of the matter is you should always be dating your partner. Whether it's your first date, your 40th date, or you've been married for 40 years, date that person because that's how you keep the spark alive. That's how you keep the intrigue. That's how you show your appreciation for them. So, I love um that you know you're interested in this stuff even from a place of having been married and being in a happy relationship. So, yeah.

2:56 how I got into it. I was working actually in the travel industry. That was my passion. I really always enjoyed travel. I enjoyed helping other people travel. And then in 2020 when the pandemic hit, that business essentially went to zero overnight. Obviously, nobody was traveling. And so, at the time, I had been helping guy friends and friends of friends with their dating app profiles because I would see my guy friends's profiles and be like they or they'd complain to me like, you know, I'm not really getting matches. I'm not getting on dates. Say, "Okay, let me see your profile." And I'd look at their profile, be like, "Well, you're giving serial killer, so we need to clean this up."

3:34 And so I would help them improve their profiles and they'd be like, "Wow." Like things that seemed obvious to me, I realized were not obvious specifically to guys. And so once they'd clean up their profile, they'd get more matches. I'd help them with their conversations to get to dates. So when I found myself essentially unemployed, I thought, okay, this advice I've been giving to people is going to be even more important, you know, now that dating dynamics are changing with lockdown and more important to have a great profile if you want to get matches cuz you can't even meet people in person. Can I create a course that teaches everything I tell these men that I'm already working with in an easier, more accessible format where I can deliver it to more people at once? So that was what sparked the idea for my first course which is my dating master class and is still my most popular product today and I have a

4:24 variety of other products now. And so I created this course and truly at the time it was like okay travel's going to come back soon. This is just something to you know experiment with, have fun with, maybe make some money in the meantime. And then I very quickly realized because mind you this was 2020. it was before there were a ton of dating coaches that this was a product that people needed and that I was getting I was helping people get really great results and that I really liked it. There's still nothing better in the world to me than when I get an email that says like you know I took your course whether it was a month ago or a year ago or two years ago. It helped me learn or do XYZ and I just got married or I'm engaged to the love of my life.

5:05 Like there is no better feeling. M. So once I like started to get that drug, I was like, "Wow, I'm good at this. Like people are really enjoying it. I want to double down." So it really just snowballed from there. It's been I've been doing it full-time since Yeah. 2020 and I love it. Wow. Well, one of the tweets you put out that really caught my attention that I think not only applies to dating but applies to life and also Blaine, I am a my background is in professional selling. My first 12 years of my career, I was a sales rep, manager, director, VP, and so I think se professional sales and selling is the most noble thing in the world. The the world would come to a screeching halt if salespeople didn't exist.

5:45 I think your stuff works there, too. Because ultimately, what are you doing? You're selling yourself to another person. And this and Dan Pink wrote a great book, Toell as Human, that is all about exactly things you're going to talk about. So, we're going to go deep on how you help people get really good at this important skill that some think like is sleazy or is not right. And I think what you do in selling is the opposite of that. So, one of them is why do people not get second dates? Okay. There's a lot of reasons I'm sure, but one of them is they talk too much about themselves. And there's this 7030 rule. Can you go deeper on why especially guys don't get second dates?

6:26 Yeah. So, one of the reasons especially men are not landing second dates is that they are talking too much. They're talking too much about themselves. Pe someone man or woman is going to perceive a date to be better if they talked more, if they shared more. So, if you're a man and you want a second date, cuz my clients are primarily men. If you want a second date with a woman, your goal should be to keep her talking. So, you know, you don't have to be dogmatic about making sure she's talking 70% and you're talking 30. But if you aim for that, especially if you're a talker, you might actually land someplace closer to 50/50. And that is going to work in your favor. If you are talking more than her, that is likely going to work against you. And what you talk about is also important. So, I see a lot of guys make the mistake of talking about things that are easy for them to talk about. And what's easy for most people to talk

7:21 about? Their work. It's something that they do all day every day, whether or not they like it. That's a really easy thing thing for them to get deep on and talk about confidently. So, and it's not like that you can't talk about your work, but if you fall into the habit of really getting into the logistics of your job and why you do what you do, you know, especially from a place of talking about it more intellectually than emotionally, you are probably not going to create a romantic vibe on the date. And that in conjunction with talking too much is going to seal the deal on no second date. Um, one of the So, I I realize that and one of the issues though is you can actually overdo it.

8:04 And one of the ways that I overdo it, whether I go out to lunch with guys, girls, anybody, I'm trying to connect with people. It's part of my business is I actually turn into interview mode where it's like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I question question, follow up, follow up, follow up. And while that shows love for my curiosity and them and their story and being a good listener, right? Good body language, all that stuff. You don't that that might be taking it too far. So can can you can you like let me know about this happy because this is about connecting with other people.

8:32 Okay. Whether you're dating or whether you're just having a business lunch, you want to connect with that other person, right? You want a second date. Meaning like if you're a sales professional, you want to to to be able to show the demo of your product to get to that second date, right? So how do you make sure you don't overdo it like I do sometimes where you just hammer them with questions and make it more conversational and less like interviewy? Yeah, that's a great point. So you have you want to pull the conversational thread. So usually when it feels like bam bam bam interview, it's because you're jumping from one question to another to another and the topic is not cohesive. But if you ask one question, you get an answer and then you pull the conversational thread thread and ask a follow-up question about that same thing. That's where you can start having a conversation. Also share a little bit

9:21 about yourself. So she said shares you oh you know that's interesting I actually also have been to Japan my favorite thing I did there was XYZ what was your favorite thing you did on that trip. So it's you're providing connection you're providing something for her to connect with you on while then asking a relevant follow-up question. And a key part of like okay how do I know whether I'm talking too much or I'm the one in interview mode is you have to be self-reflective. And that's a really important part of whether you're dating romantically or you're at the business meeting. If you're trying to connect with people and you're trying to get that second date, that second meet up, that second sales call, you need to not just be going through the motions of what feels good for you, but really take the time to reflect. How much talking did I do on that? How much did I ask interesting follow-up questions that got her

10:14 thinking and feeling something besides just reciting facts? Um, really paying attention to that and looking back on it is going to help you perform better in the future and perfect your strategy. You know, one of the weird ones, Blaine, that happens to me sometimes is, let's say you're at lunch and they serve the food and 10 minutes later you look at each other's plates of food. And in my case, what happens a lot is my food is gone and they haven't touched theirs yet. What does that mean? That means they've talked that entire 10 to 15 minutes because I've been listening and eating while they've been talking. And so if you look at like food proportions on your plate, you want it to be kind of balanced. You know what I mean? Like you want it to be like because that means that they're talking more than you. You be curious. You ask questions. I think it sounds funny, but like I've noticed it so many times. And then I started

11:09 thinking, well, maybe it's because I'm messing up by asking too many questions. But I I I think if you look down though and you're the person who hasn't touched their food and their food is gone, that means you talk too much. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's actually a great sort of pulse check and like check where you're at. Like are we in pace with one another with our meals? Yeah. It's interesting. The other one though you mentioned is you want to talk about yourself, right? But we also know those people who are oneuppers. Okay.

11:36 Again, this is dating and just anywhere with people. We don't want to be the one uper like, "Oh, I went to Japan. Oh, well, I went to Japan and when I did that, we did well this stuff." So, so they're like, "Oh, cool. Thanks, dude." You know, where you just one up them all the time. We all know those people. Like, I think that's a careful nuance that we don't want to go down that path. No, you definitely don't want to do that. Although, I do at least I like to hope that's not generally the problem for men on dates. It's like you're trying to date. We need to like, you know, have a you know, but you see that I know there's people Yeah.

12:12 Yeah. Like I I I feel like that maybe that happens more like on the sideline of the soccer game of your kids' game or something like that where it's like, okay, and then you just kind of sit there like, are we going to do this? Like I don't Yeah, let me go to the next the next dad. Okay. Um that I think that's that's that's really important. I think um another element that you talk about as far as like earning the second date or or or earning the the a potential future relationship is what people are looking for in the other person. And you've talked about the trajectory of a per of of a guy usually, right? That how important it is for I think a woman in this case to say like, "Oh, he looks like he's going places.

12:53 He's got like ambition. He's going to got a work ethic. He's in shape." like these types of things. Can you can you go deeper on the importance again I think this applies well beyond dating but the importance of being able to like confidently mix with some humility talk about your trajectory in life. Yeah. So that really comes down another way of saying that is marketing yourself. Are you able to market yourself in an authentic way so women can see that you are going places? So women are only women, men, anyone you're talking to, they're only going to know what you show and tell them. So you want to find the balance of sharing things about yourself that indicate you are on an upward trajectory without coming across as, you know, too braggy or the oneup strate like the oneup syndrome or um bragging. And that's where like this self-reflection comes in and really thinking about like how did I say that?

13:53 What was my intention behind sharing that? But generally what I found it find especially on dates is you are there to learn about each other. And so you want to talk about the things that are going to happen that your goals your dreams your aspirations these are things that are relevant to a potential romantic partner. So, if you are sharing them in an authentic way from a place of getting to know one another, not a place of, hey, I'm trying to impress this woman, you're going to be in a good spot. So, really, your underlying intent is important there. And then the reason it's so important that you share about your trajectory is because to the point that you said, a woman or whoever you're romantically interested in wants to know you're going places. If they're thinking about hitching their wagon to yours, are you someone that they can rely on? Are you someone, if it's a man and woman dynamic who they can potentially count

14:48 on if they are going to step back from their career and have a child or raise a family, obviously that's much further down the line. But if you are meeting someone in a romantic context, even if they are subconsciously thinking about these things, even just from an evolutionary standpoint, it is going to play in. they aren't going to want to hitch their wagon to somebody who can't be relied on, who isn't uh going to be a good provider both emotionally and, you know actually physically. Okay, let's get into a stereotype and um potentially debunk it or maybe help somebody who it's it's true. Nice guys.

15:26 Okay, I have I'm thinking of a a friend of mine, right? And super nice dude will like do anything for you. I love him. not in a relationship right now. Um, it should be like you you're it's surprising, but he's he's a he's very nice, right? And and you you've written about this. So So someone who's deemed quote a nice guy that like they they have a lot of friends that are girls and girls love them, but they don't want to date them. What how do you help those types of guys? Yeah. Yeah. I work with a not a a lot of self-described nice guys or the guys who hear the text, oh, you're really nice, but I just didn't feel that romantic connection, right?

16:06 The good news is they generally have a very good base of where they're starting from. They're pleasant person to spend time with. They know how to show up when they need to. So, that's a good base of like versus, you know, like you're an and don't care about other people. Like, that's a much harder place to come back from. So, the general problem with the nice guy is he's putting other people before himself, including people he doesn't know very well. And so, the reason you hear like, oh, women like is because there actually are certain traits that quote have that make them appealing as a potential mate. And I sort of referenced this before, but thinking back to evolutionary biology, is the woman or the cave woman going to want the guy who gives away all of his resources and will bend over backwards for somebody he barely knows at the expense of himself, or is she going to be interested in the caveman who goes

16:59 after what he wants, isn't afraid of what other people thinks, gets the damn thing done. It's going to be that he goes out and kills the food. He goes and kills the animals so we can eat, right? And doesn't give it to somebody else right? Yeah. So, if you're the guy who's going after what you want, you're not worried about what other people think about you or, you know, what you're doing, that's attractive to a woman. And likewise, if you are, you know, making accommodations for a woman you haven't even met yet, like, you know, she's cancelling on you and it's like, "It's okay. Do you want to go out and tomorrow night instead?"

17:31 Like, I'm free Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Like, that is unattractive. As opposed to somebody who holds a boundary like, "Okay, your date cancels on you. Cool. No problem. let me know if you want to um get together another time. And then they move on with their life. Yeah. It doesn't mean you have to be a dick. Well, okay. Screw you for cancelling. See you never. But acknowledge it and then move on because you don't know this person. How do you think that applies outside of dating? Because I think this works with you're going to hire somebody you cuz like you we're not going to hire someone who's super desperate who's like, "Yeah, I can interview anytime. Just let me know." you know, like yes, you want to be available and you want to be aggressive and excited to work at that place, but you also like want to be in demand. You know what I mean? So there's a there's an art to that.

18:14 Absolutely. I completely it applies across the board. Even with friendships, if you think about the person who's like eagerly wanting to hang out the underlying thing that you are thinking is like why like does nobody else want to hang out with them? Does nobody else want to hire them? Does nobody else want to buy this product from them? We're just as humans, we have we want I don't want to say we want what we can't have, but we do want the thing that's in demand. We want the thing that other humans recognize as high value. So, if you can present yourself as a highv value human, whether it's in dating or in sales or in business or in relationships in general, people are going to be drawn to that.

18:53 Well, we want what's in demand. like Renee Gerard. Uh I remember Luke Burgess wrote wanting like the it's all about this mimemetic desire that humans from an evolutionary perspective want what other people want. It's weird but it's how we are. And so if you're like I I want to ask you though Blaine how that how that like mimemetic desire this wanting part of of how our brains are wired how that mixes. Let's say, you know what? I want that girl. Like, I want to I want to marry that girl or I want that job. Like, I want that one, right? I've I've made up my mind. I want to commit. I want that thing really bad.

19:35 So, let's say we're feeling like that. We want that. We've made that decision. We're not like, "Well, I got four offers. I don't know. I'll just kind of figure it out." You know what I mean? Like, you're past that stage and you've decided this is the thing that you want. How do you how do you go about doing it in a way so that you actually get it and not come across as being pick me or or like desperate or like no other options? Like how do you go about doing that the right way? Yeah. Well, you know, I feel like it might be slightly different in dating than something like a job where in a business sense like I think there could be an argument for doubling down and really making your desire known and blowing the other candidates out of the water. where with dating if you do if you go for that strategy especially with someone who you don't actually know that well because what I see is if you feel

20:24 that way about a woman who you've been on less than five dates with it is generally your ego that is fueling that not because you know you and her have some next level connection and that you are meant to be soulmates like no probably not you probably think she like looks good in yoga pants and you know want to you you're going to feel really good if you can introd uce her to your friends as your girlfriend. So having that like, oh, I have to be with her is generally a sign that pump the brakes, actually. Maybe go on dates with other people and recognize like, do I want to be with her so badly because it's true, it's truly this rare connection that I haven't felt before or is it because my ego is telling me if I can get her then then I feel better about myself. then I'm also a stud and I can feel confident. Um, so I would definitely like pulse check that.

21:20 Got you. Okay. I want to talk about uh I god I haven't done this in forever but like approaching and potentially like opening slash pickup lines if that's even the right terminology. again, way out of way out of the game, but but but still think it's worth it to be good at this even if you're married or you're you're again you're trying to build relationships with just humans in general. Yeah. So, what are some of your your coaching points on approaching somebody cold? Um where's the best place? How do you go about doing it? Like things to say? I just read like a what I think is a funny pickup line that I'm going to test on you in a second, but but I want you to answer that first and then uh we'll go there.

22:01 Yeah. Well, you're first of all, you're totally right. This is absolutely still relevant like in a networking or making friends sense. If you're trying to build community, you're going to want to approach people. If you're trying to network and meet people in your industry, you're going to want to be able to approach people. So, it's definitely relevant whether or not you're single. The thing that guys around dating and approaching tend to get wrong is twofold. One, they feel like they do need that perfect pickup line. And the problem I have with lines is they usually were written by somebody else and therefore aren't authentic to you and in your voice. So it feels like you are reciting something. It doesn't feel organic. You don't feel confident in it. And that is the hands down the single most important thing when you are approaching and I like to call it opening a conversation is that you come

22:48 across as confident and authentic. Because if you no matter what you say, you could have the best quote line in the world. If you it feels inauthentic and you're lacking confidence, it's probably not going to result in the outcome that you're looking for. So, got ahead. So, that plays into thinking about where you're going to approach women and what you're going to say. I think that you can feel it in general with a person when they're trying to be something they're not versus as well as you can feel it when somebody is like I use the phrase comfortable in their own skin like they know themselves well.

23:28 They have this this they kind of exude confidence not like in an arrogant way but in a way of like just being comfortable and that's an attractive trait in anybody, guy, girl, like whatever. Like I like being around people like that. What this is maybe too big of a question, but like how do you give off that aura? Like h how how do you authentically do that? Yeah. Well, you have to become that, right? You know, you have to you can't it's a it's a kind of tricky thing because like on one hand like you do need to fake it till you make it. And there are certain ways that can help you quote fake confidence. Like is your posture good? Are you making eye contact? Are you speaking uh affirmatively? and in a you know confident voice which means you know avoiding the upspeak like asking a question um talking clearly and loudly those things are going to help you come across as more confident and those are a

24:21 great place to start like check those things about yourself but ultimately what's really going to give you that feeling that sort of like undeniable feeling that you just described is actually becoming confident so some lowhanging fruit ways I recommend guys do that is get really good at something. Is there something in your life you enjoy doing and you're good at? Could be karate. It could be, you know, running. It could be I I personally like active things because that tends to have um help you ac also look better and uh feel better mentally and physically, but it could be, you know, trivia if that's like something that you enjoy. Like just picking something in your life and getting really good at it is going to help you build confidence if you're coming from a place of not having a lot of confidence today.

25:08 This may be controversial, but I don't think it should be. Like you got to feel good about how you look. I think you have to like that's why I work out every day. Part of it is like a vanity thing. Like I want to feel good when I show up in a room like to give a speech or to work with leadership team. I got to feel good about myself. And so I'm gonna punish myself in the gym every day and run and try to eat decent so that I feel and look good. I think that matters a lot. And it sounds like uh like are you being rude for saying that? No. Like who wants to partner up whether it's in a relationship to get married and have kids or just in general in business. Who wants to partner up with a slug?

25:48 Nobody. And and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You got to become that. I think it's it's it's important to to not just blow past that point that it's important that you got to feel it. And the only way to feel it is to truly like do the thing to get into that type of shape so you feel good when you walk in the room. I completely agree and I don't think that should be as controversial as people try and twist it to be. Yeah. How did your husband uh uh I I was going to say pick you up, but but whatever the phrase is. How did your husband get you?

26:17 Yeah. He approached me at the gym. We were at a Yeah. We're at a workout class in San Francisco and uh I was standing in the lobby after class. This is why I actually love fitness classes as a place to meet people because there's start and end times. People are coming and going at the same time. So, it's much easier than the gym. You can't approach a woman while she's running on the treadmill or on the gym floor. That tends to, you know, feel like you're out of touch. But a class, okay, there's ample time before and after to start up a conversation.

26:47 So, I was standing in the lobby. It was um Have you been to a Barry's class? I haven't, but I know what they are. Yeah. Yeah. So, I was in a Barry's San Francisco marina location. If you if you go to Barry's then you're like, "Oh, marina location. Okay, got it." Um and I was just standing there and he walked up to me and was like, "Hey, I've seen you here before." And we haven't met, so I wanted to introduce myself. Really awkwardly, my response was, "Oh, do you work here?" And now in hindsight, now we like laugh about it. He's like, I was mortified. I had like, you know, gotten the courage to walk up and say hello to you and like you asked if I worked there and I was like, "Well, in my defense, like people who work there are in really good shape." But he at that point he's like, "Okay, I'm out."

27:30 And he's like, "No, I don't work here. We just took class together." Apparently, we've been taking the same class like multiple days a week for months, but like I hadn't noticed him, but he had noticed me. And so at that point, we I was like, "Oh, nice to meet you." We said, you know, exchanged names and he's like, "Okay, well, bye." And walked away. And in his head he's like, "Oh my god, like that was like really awkward. Like that's nothing's happening there." But because we had then met each other and I now saw him the next time we were in the same class together a few days later, I recognized him and we said hello. So then he had broken the ice.

28:04 Now we know each other. So we would say hello and have brief conversations over a few meetings. And then from there, you know, we had good conversation. We discovered we actually had some mutual friends. We had things in common. and he eventually asked me out. Like we talked like three or four times. What What did he want to do it the first time but was nervous or scared or like what was his I'm actually a So what I call a high stigma environment is someplace like the gym or a workout class where a woman is going to be less inclined to give you her phone number the first time you speak because she knows she's going to keep seeing you. Like I don't want to go on a date with some guy if I don't know if there's a vibe or a connection yet.

28:44 especially if I'm going to keep seeing him. So, someplace that you know you're going to see this woman again, you're actually better off building some connection and having a few conversations so she can be like, "Oh, we and for his sake, we have things in common like we've had some good banter. He's made me laugh." That's going to increase your chances of hearing yes when you do ask her out. So, I think he actually played that one. Um, I don't know. Like if the first day if I asked right after I asked if he worked there, if he had then said like, "Can I take you on a date?" It probably would have been like, "Uh, what? No." You know, like I know nothing about you.

29:20 That's hard though, especially if he'd been like, I mean, this sounds bad, like eyeing you for five or six classes and you had noticed him, he's probably like, "Let's go. I got a shot. Let's go." And then he, to his credit, he held off. Like, patience won. Yeah. And that is really key, I think, when you're getting to know a woman and asking her out. And that's something guys get wrong all the time. And I think this would also apply to business is if you approach a woman or you approach a deal and you're just trying to get to the final step of asking for her phone number or closing the deal, you're going to rush through a lot of the important and essential steps in between of building trust, of creating that connection, of finding a reason to ask her out or a reason they need the thing you're selling. So, it's important that you don't rush through that process because you're just focused on getting

30:07 the phone number, which is what a lot of guys do. And then even when they get the phone number, if they didn't establish that connection and trust, is she going to go on the date with you? Maybe not. I remember earlier in my career, Blaine, my um my dad was a sales leader. I was a sales rep at the time, and I was like aggressively just trying to close everything, you know, like going after it. Uh I'm talking about sales, not women. And um and so I'm I'm like, you know, trying to like bulldo bulldoze my way through these things. And eventually, sometimes you get lucky here and there, you know.

30:38 Yeah. And he would go, "Hey, hey, dude. Dude, the close is the period at the end of a very long sentence. You've done not you've done no discovery. You you have not connected. You haven't gotten to know them. You don't understand their problems." Like in sales, right? You gota you got to create a gap between current state and desired state and the fact that your solution is what closes that gap. But you that takes effort and time and communication and questions and curiosity and listening. And if you don't do that, then you're trying to bulldo your way. And yes, you'll get lucky every once in a while because somebody needs the thing, whatever. But if you want to get really, really, really good, you have to think of it as the close is just the period at the end of a very, very long sentence. You got to do all that work leading up to that moment. Absolutely. And the same goes for approaching a woman.

31:28 Which leads me to the next point is humor and how important it is to be funny but like actually funny not have like terrible jokes. And so I know that is a way to just connect with people in general is humor is such a connect like it's such a connector and certainly can get guys who are like not as good as looking or don't have other things going on for them. We see it all the time, right? Then they you see their girlfriend or their wife, you're like, "What?" And it's and and sometimes it's whether it's not money or whatever, it's it's like the dude is super funny. So, can you talk about humor and especially for like the average person like most of us who are not like standup comedians, we're not that good. We're not even Dustin Johnson in that moment if that story is true. But that we can use humor to to connect with others.

32:17 Yeah. Absolutely. So, I listen, you don't have to be a comedian to be good at dating and to get attractive women, but it's certainly a really valuable asset. And the nice thing about develop is about being funny is that is a developable skill. You can develop a sense of humor. You can become funnier through your delivery and your confidence and learning jokes. And so, you can't make yourself taller. You can't always change how attractive you are. There's certain things obviously you can look your best, but there's a lot of that that's out of your control.

32:50 Having a good sense of humor is in your control. So, take a standup comedy class, take an improv class, watch comedy, practice your delivery, and developing that can absolutely help in your dating life because to your point before, it's one of those things that women really value because it makes them feel good. And just checking with yourself on how you make women feel is an underrated litmus test for how you're doing dating. How does it feel to spend time with you? Does it feel good? Are you making her laugh? Are you making her feel wanted? Are you making her feel special because you're interested in the things she's saying? That is going to improve your outcomes dating in a large and meaningful way.

33:39 I think one of the ways you can show respect and love for another person and certainly with the most important relationship in your life if you if you are married or if you're you're you're striving towards that. To me like my love language is curiosity. That's a way that I give and receive love in a big way. If you're genuinely curious about me, I love you. Um and I try to show that to other others as well. Like be genuinely interested in them. And that's hard sometimes because there's some people I'm not genuinely interested in.

34:10 I guess I just keep it moving. But like for the most part, I think I think curiosity and genuine listening and follow-up questions that that that take that conversation deeper that maybe even takes a person to a place they haven't been before, haven't been in a long time, is is how you you can connect. By the way, this happens with in business relationships, too. But I I feel like that is an ultimate sign of respect and love is to be genuinely curious about them. What do you think? I absolutely agree and I think um the key word there is genuine.

34:45 Yeah. And it's underrated. I touched on this when we were talking about trajectory and showcasing or marketing your trajectory. Uh your underlying emotion is important. So, if you're just asking questions because you heard here that you need to talk 70% of the time, that's not going to work as well as becoming a genuinely curious person who is interested in meeting another human. And that's something people get wrong on dates is they're coming to the date sort of like they're they're going to the approach with the goal of getting the phone number or they're taking the sales call with the goal of closing the sale and they're skipping that in between. If you're going on a date, going through the motions of wanting to get the second date or wanting to impress her to get something, whether it's, you know, sleep together or just that second meetup, you're not going to do as well as if you can approach the date as this is another

35:37 human being with a totally unique and interesting set of experiences that I want to hear about. And if you can come at things with that mindset, you're going to get better outcomes. I read that you said women want three things. They want some sort of like status. They want to feel desired. And they want they want to have fun. Can you go deeper on these three things? And maybe there's more. Maybe you've added to that or you tweaked that but but on but on what they actually want. Yeah. I think those three those three things that you mentioned, social status, desire, and flirting and fun are really encapsulate what women are looking for. And obviously there's a ton of subcategories that make up those things. I have an entire so my dating master class which I referenced before is a five module course and an entire module of that is dedicated to explaining what those things are because it's not as simple as like okay you hear

36:32 women want status okay behind status like what does that actually mean? Trajectory for example is one of the things that plays into that. Confidence is one of the things that plays into that that is going to show a woman that you are high status. It's not about how much money is in your bank account. It's not about the car you drive. It's about the feeling and the vibe that you bring to every interaction. Um and and it kind of also goes back to what we were talking about before where people want somebody who's in demand or people want things that are in demand.

37:03 Being in demand indicates and elevates your status. Yeah. Do people want to talk to you at a party? Do people even like at a work, take the workout class example. If you're somebody who is social, you're talking to the front desk girl, you know, the coach, that is going to elevate your status and everyone around you's eyes because people want to communicate with you. And so, it's a lot of those subconscious things that are going to tell a woman whether or not you have status. The desire point is really important because that's what creates the romantic chemistry. A woman can think you're high status, but if you she doesn't feel desired by you and there's not that romantic undertone in your interactions with her, she's not going to see you as a romantic partner. And then the flirting and fun becomes important because even if you're, you know, expressing your desire appropriately and even if she sees you

37:54 as high status, if you're not fun to be around and it doesn't feel good to spend time with you, which I mentioned before, whether it's through humor or through being genuinely interested, it's she's not going to want to be in a relationship with you. So, all three of those things need to rise together and be present for there to be the possibility of her wanting to date you or to marry you or to go on a second date. I think it's it's like a lot of uh just people in general, we we want to be around optimist. We want to be around people who believe in doing big things.

38:29 The same is true if you are a leader at a company. Who's I remember Bert being CEO of Insight Global. He was like, "Hey, dude. Let's talk through your 2025 plan and like ambition and all this stuff." And I was laying out some goals that were like, you know, kind of good, but but but like I was probably going to hit all of them. And he's like, "Dude, where's like get the Netflix show, need five million bucks from you to help support?" Like, where's that stuff? We don't want to We don't want to get behind people who are just going to set achievable goals and do that. We want to follow the person that's going to go big. And I think the same thing's probably true with dating. Like it's exciting to like partner up with somebody who wants to get after it and has big ambitions even if they don't hit them. Not like blustery, fake confidence, like arrogant, not that, but someone who like has this zest for life,

39:18 this optimism that they're going to go do big things. I think like that's super attractive just in a person in general. I absolutely agree. But I also think for like you know the guy who might be listening who's like that's just not my goal. Like I don't want a Netflix show. I don't need to close a multi-million dollar deal. It can actually come through in different ways. Maybe you really like cooking and your goal is to open a food truck one day or you are you have a rescue dog and you're really passionate about that and you want to, you know, provide um open a farm one day that provides housing for other dogs in need. There are it doesn't have to be something that's like big and impressive to everybody. It just needs to be something that you are working towards that is providing fulfillment for you and you're excited about. It's having that excitement for life.

40:06 Yes. I love that. I mean having a something that you can kind of pour your heart into. Yeah. Like this person gets excited. They got a zest for life. That's a that's a quality you use to describe about anything. Yeah. Like my wife is a like the mo the most optimistic person I know and it's one of the most attractive of many good quality qualities. It's it's near or at the top of the list of like this zest for like let's go, we're going to do this. It doesn't matter what the thing is. It's just the the random Saturday at a soccer tournament like let's go. That to me is just a super attractive quality in a human and a leader. If you're running a company or running a business and you want people to follow you, I think the kind of pessimist of like, oh, I don't know, the realist, like the complainer, nobody wants to be around that person. You get in line to follow the one who like has the juice, like has the belief that we

40:57 can go do this thing. And life is more fun when you're excited. When you're excited about going to the soccer game and you make it something to be excited about, like how much more fun is life than when it's like, oh, we have to like go to another soccer game today, stand out in the heat. Like, that's not a fun way to live your life. So, why would you want to, you know, marry someone or be with someone who's bringing that energy as opposed to like the, oh, I can't wait for the dessert menu. I'm so excited to like the chocolate cake, you know?

41:26 Yeah. Like, just get juiced up about the stuff that you're doing. If not, then don't do it, you I I think like that's a that's a just a big way to live in general. It also it relates to friendships for sure. We can all think of those friends in our lives who are like like I one of my buddies we just went to a concert uh last week and he's like he's not a fan of the band. I was and he's like you know what though? I'm a great concert friend. I don't care. He gets a party bus. We have a great time on the way down there. We get there dancing like everybody. He didn't even like the music. like I loved him and I love him for like in in in our group of friends because they're like, "Let's go. Like, let's just have a good time. We're going to lift this place up." As opposed to the one who's like, "Oh, I don't really like the band, so like I'll just kind of sit here in the corner." Like, no, if you're going to do it, you might as well

42:12 go big. Um, okay. Um, this Wall Street Journal article just came out. Like, it's funny that we booked this prior to this article coming out. And without going too deep into it, but basically there's this uh one example. Well, this woman Katie spent her first half of 2024 going on three to four dates a week. Men she met on apps, all this stuff with the hopes of finding a husband before she turned 30. And she and she has this quote at the end of it because basically it didn't work out for her. And she said the only thing you can put 10,000 hours into and end up right where you started.

42:42 That's what she said about this. What are your thoughts on on this? Like is it an epidemic? Is it this problem where there's these professional women who, you know, educated, good jobs, they're not finding the people they want? And so for guys, it's like we got to we got to step it up, right? At least based on this Wall Street Journal article. What do you what do you think about that? Well, I wouldn't say not finding who you are looking for in the dating market is isolated to successful women. I think that is something that men and women are facing right now. It's, you know, why I have a job and um it's actually why I'm doing my business from courses and coaching has also turned into doing matchmaking is because people are struggling to find those people on their own. Uh I think part of the problem we are seeing today is actually a surplus of options. In a lot of cases, having more options of people to go on dates

43:41 with and more options of potential partners actually isn't that helpful. And we you have social media, you have Instagram, you have dating apps where you can just swipe through a hundred pe people and it feels like there might always be somebody better if you just swipe one more time, if you just go on one more date. And it's leading to people not willing to commit and go deeper with any one person because they're fearful of missing out that the next better person is right around the corner. And I think that's I mean that's maybe a second that's maybe a different point than that Wall Street Journal article was making which was like women are excelling at a faster rate than like their peer their men counterparts. I think that was maybe more of like the um summary of the article, which may also be true, but I think um technology is certainly adding to the struggles people are seeing dating nowadays.

44:36 Well, what do you think about that? That that more women are graduating college. Most of them, at least from that article, states they don't want to date or marry someone who hasn't also graduated college, doesn't have ambition, doesn't have like high trajectory, which I get. Um, again, maybe harsh truth, but seems like it's real. Um, what do you what do you think about that? You know, that's that's like a podcast in and of itself, I feel like kind of unpacking, you know, like the state of the current man. Yeah. You know, I think it is real that men are struggling. I've conducted some of my own survey style data on loneliness and it's an epidemic specifically among young single men and it's a problem. Uh, and I think, you know, I could speculate why, you know, we aren't like having to use our bodies and our ourselves in the same way that we used to, which men made men quote more valuable. And now, you

45:33 know, it's about mentally more what you bring to the table and emotionally can you relate to others. So I think it's important that young men, you know, from an earlier age, like we're finding a way to nurture them so that they can grow into the man, the men that women want to date because unfortunately it's we're coming into a time that women don't need men even to reproduce necessarily. They can do that on their own. So, we need to make sure men are equipped to u be the type of person and be the type of man that a woman actually wants to be with. And then I mean there I think there's a whole another side of it like women's expectations and what's actually going to make them happy. Is it a guy who's gone to college or is it a guy who uh you know you're excited to come home to at the end of the day? like those dynamics are um a whole another conversation but there's definitely some big shifts happening right now and it's

46:31 going to be interesting to see uh how things develop in the next decade. I think it's similar to leadership in that if you want people to follow you, you have to be the person worthy of others following. What are you actually doing to make people want want to follow you? You can't just say, "Well, I'm the leader. I have the title." That's not how it works. It's or I'm the man so therefore you should fall in line. Exactly. Exactly. It it's it's like what are you actually doing? What are you accomplishing? How are you making society better? How are you adding value to other people's lives? I think that's how I try to approach my business. I know that's how you do too of what what did I do today to ba to make my clients lives better? What did I do today to make the listeners of this podcast lives better? And if I'm not earning it every single day, I don't deserve anybody to follow me. And I think that's just

47:23 trying to take ownership. It's on me, right, to become that person, to continue to become that person, especially in my my marriage as well. Not, it's not like you get married like, well, I guess we're good. It's like the opposite. Yeah. I'm trying to impress her every single day. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to improve. That's why we're having this conversation like I want to I want to get better at all of these things because it that makes you more worthy of someone else wanting to commit to you. And I don't I just don't think that ever ends. No matter what your situation is, you got to keep after it.

47:52 In fact, I think you got to keep getting better and better or it goes stale. It goes the other way. Absolutely. And taking accountability, which is basically like, you know, the summary of what you just said, putting that on yourself to make your relationship with your wife better. Putting that on yourself to provide value to your clients, not thinking like, oh well, the my wife like didn't, you know, she didn't show up for me today or my client like he didn't do the work or whatever it may be. Um or like, oh, she doesn't want a second date. like women are the problem. It's realizing that what you attract, what you put out is going to be what you attract.

48:27 Yes. Uh complete side conversation here, but I'm curious on your Twitter profile picture. You have your hands by to the sides of your face, which uh I'm curious because you're I know you're very intentional and you can see two tattoos on your wrist. I'm curious what made you choose that picture for your twitter profile picture. Yeah. So, nothing to do with the tattoos, but it's sort of like when you're thinking about a YouTube thumbnail. I'm not sure um how deep on thumbnails you are, but it's like the whites of your eyes, whether you're looking into the camera makes the person who's looking at you feel a connection with you. The often times the mouth being open feels more of like an expression. So, uh that's why I picked that specific photo.

49:14 Interesting. Okay. It it it it does draw you in. And then what do the tattoos stand for? I know that sounds like that's not part of it. Yeah. No, this is an Omega sign, which is actually my middle name. Um your middle name is Omega. Really? Yeah. I actually I don't know if I've ever shared that before. So, yeah. That's a cool middle name. It was my grandmother's first name. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And then this is a cactus. I'm from Arizona. I got a cactus behind me. So, um a little nod to my roots. Very cool. I mean, one of the things, Blaine, we didn't touch on is just how crazy impressive it is, the business that you've built. I watched your whole pitch on Shark Tank. We don't have enough time to get into all of it. Maybe a part two, but the the Sharks were kind of like falling all over themselves, like they wanted to do a deal, even though like there were parts of your numbers that you weren't 100% clear on.

50:05 And Mark Cuban and you did a deal. I know eventually I read the the the thread how um you you kind of undid the deal, but I'm just I'm I'm fascinated about like you putting this whole business together and then going on Shark Tank. What was that that experience like? Yeah, Shark Tank was amazing. I'm so happy I did it. It was a great, you know, check it off the bucket list item. It definitely pushed what I'm comfortable with. It scared me, which I think it's important to do things that scare you. It was very anxietyinducing in the moment, but um super fun.

50:39 Everyone involved from start to finish, including Mark Cuban, was so nice, so gracious, so generous with their time. So definitely a bucket list item for me, even though it ultimately didn't work out. Well, one more question before we go, Blaine. Let's say you're speaking with someone who's maybe a bit earlier in their career, doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl, and they want to leave like a legacy, a positive dent in the world. What are some general pieces of lifecareer advice you'd give to them? One of the biggest pieces of advice that I think is important when you're starting to start when you're starting a business or thinking about the legacy you want to leave is are you building a business or giving the advice that somebody wants or is it what you want?

51:26 If you're building the business you want or building the course that you want to sell, that's not necessarily going to be as effective as building the business or building the course that people want. So, it's really important to listen to your ideal client, listen to the people you want to help and you want to serve to make sure you're delivering the thing that is actually going to help them. It's a great point. Like, you have to have something that adds value to people's lives. And one way to to learn that is to listen, right? Is to understand where they're at. Blaine, this was amazing. I really appreciate um your time. There's a ton more for us to get to uh for the for the next one. Um, so thank you so much for this. I would love to continue our dialogue.

52:09 Yeah definitely. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Appreciate it. Thank you.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Why 70% of Men Don't Get Second Dates with Dating Coach Blaine Anderson"?

Ryan Hawk (Host), Blaine Anderson (Guest).

What is "Why 70% of Men Don't Get Second Dates with Dating Coach Blaine Anderson" about?

The discussion centers on the reasons why many men struggle to secure second dates, highlighting the importance of engaging women in conversation and creating a desirable vibe during interactions. Key points include the necessity of fostering feelings of desire, demonstrating high status, and being fun to engage with, which collectively enhance the potential for romantic chemistry and future…

What is mentioned in this Ryan Hawk episode?

6 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Learning Leader Show, Shark Tank, To Sell Is Human, Dan Pink, Renee Gerard, Luke Burgess. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Why 70% of Men Don't Get Second Dates with Dating Coach Blaine Anderson"?

The episode runs 52 min; the transcript is about 10,483 words in 73 timestamped sections.

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