Transcript

"RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"

From SmartLess · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 48 min · 10,965 words · 222 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of ""RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"", an episode of SmartLess published January 8, 2026 (48 min, about 10,965 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Positive Sean, Chelsea Handler, Life Will Be the Death of Me, Jason Bateman, Laura Linney.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: Chelsea Handler, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Hollywood Bowl, John Williams
  2. – 40:00: Hannah Einbinder, Life Will Be the Death of Me, Vanessa Gonzalez
  3. – 45:00: Chelsea Handler, Ozarks

Notable quotes from ""RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler""

  • Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
    about Hollywood Bowl · at
  • Really? It's my friend and our friend Chelsea Handler.
    about Chelsea Handler · at
  • No, no. This is a No, no. I read Chelsea's book, Life Will Be the Death of Me. Mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it and she said but she said you actually have to read the book.
    about Life Will Be the Death of Me · at
  • Yeah, a lot of standups. There's Hannah lot have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas.…
    about Hannah Einbinder · at
  • I love that. You know whose acting I love, who I texted him about his acting is Jason when I was watching Ozarks. I was the ass I was first of all I was on a panel with Laura Lenny for a goop panel where Gwyneith.
    about Ozarks · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Positive Sean — Person · 5 mentions
  • Chelsea Handler — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Jason Bateman — Person · 2 mentions
  • Laura Linney — Person · 2 mentions
  • John Williams — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
  • Hannah Einbinder — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Vanessa Gonzalez — Person · 1 mention · first at
    For me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female standup. A lot of women of color are opening…

Books & papers

Concepts & topics

  • The Unvaccinated — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    What name is What's the name of the tour again? The unvaccinated. What? No, it's called vaccinated and horny. Sean, we came up with that together. So, I appreciate a little respect. Yes, that's right. We came up with.
  • Vaccinated and Horny — Concept · 1 mention · first at
    What name is What's the name of the tour again? The unvaccinated. What? No, it's called vaccinated and horny. Sean, we came up with that together. So, I appreciate a little…

Places & events

  • Hollywood Bowl — Place · 1 mention · first at
  • Grand Rapids, Michigan — Place · 1 mention · first at
    Next, just all over the country. All the places you want to go. Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. Florida, Jacksonville.

Full transcript with timestamps

Sean. Yeah. I got to tell you something. Okay. Really important. Okay. We're recording right now.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The show is starting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it hasn't started.

And this is the This is the show. Yeah. But it hasn't technically started. No, but this is No, of course it started cuz it's rolling.

I know. But this isn't the show. This is the part. Of course it is. No, this is the show.

No. Sean, stop waiting for your life to start, man. You're in it. This is smartless.

Smartless. Smart less. Smart less. Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

Oh, this sounds awesome. Oh, yeah. No kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us.

Yeah. Come on, John Williams. Let me tell you something. John Williams, are you still up? I sounds like a rager.

It was amazing. Here, here's this guy, John Williams. Amazing conductor. He's 89 years old. Getting out there conducting all of the better, all of the songs we love, ET, Raiders of Lost Dark, Star Wars, all this new stuff. It was incredible.

I wanted to go to that. Now, did he do a lot of the conducting? No, he did the second half. Yeah, the first half was David Newman. Yeah. Who's who's also great,

but um it was it was amazing. I know. It's I'm nerded out. The Mozart night that you sent me, I'm so bummed. I'm not here for it.

Yeah. I said, "Jay, let's go see Mozart. John and I are going to have a classical music uh date

under the stars. Jason, originally you said yes. You thought cuz you thought it was the thing was cut in half. You thought it was mozzarella and you were like, "Yes, I'm in."

And then it turned out it was Mo. You're like, "Not as fried mozzarella. Granddad joke you've done."

Guys, here today's guest. She's Oh, get down to business, Sean. She's an amazing woman. I love her. She's a friend of all of ours and boy does she make me laugh. She's been a stand-up comedian basically her whole life.

Less red, Sean. Less red. Try to find I don't know how to do it without reading.

And boy, do I love her. She is our God. I do love her. She's She means so much to us.

She's She's done everything. She's done specials, acting gigs, hosting gigs. She does everything. Here's what I love. She's opinionated. She's fearless. She's hilarious. She's gorgeous. And gay men can't get enough of her.

Really? It's my friend and our friend Chelsea Handler. Chelsea. Oh my god. Oh yeah,

Chelsea. There she is. My white guys in one room. That's right. We're going to get some more to join us later.

Look at you. Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home? I am in my office. No, I'm in Las Vegas. Actually, I had a show here last night. You're on tour? Uh, I'm on tour. So, yeah.

What name is What's the name of the tour again? The unvaccinated. What? No, it's called vaccinated and horny. Sean, we came up with that together. So, I appreciate a little respect. Yes,

that's right. We came up with vaccinated and ready to rumble. Is there a subtitle says everybody should get a little prick?

Uh, no. It's just the tip is the subtitle, but thank you for your Thank you. I'd love to spitball with you guys after we already named the tour. So, yes, let's keep doing that.

Chelsea, thanks for joining us and and thank you for putting up with Jason's punch-ups that he's obviously trying to give you. Um,

I love Jason's punchups always. They're cheap. Um, so are you staying in Vegas for a while or is it just one of the stops there?

No, I just had a stop here. I'm headed to I have I'm just on tour. So, it's, you know, different cities every day. Next, uh, just all over the country. All the places you want to go. Cincinnati, uh, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. Florida, Jacksonville.

Do you like constantly moving and touring? Like does it get or do you miss home base and being still?

She's like a shark. She can't stop. Yeah. No, I'm I'm over I like to I don't like to sit still for very long. Sean came with me on tour once last year, two years ago.

So fun. It was Yeah. You complained the entire time. Tell us. Yeah. Let's hear it.

Oh, it was such a pain. Was he in like an opening act or was he choreographer or was he going on the tour?

No, no. This is a No, no. I I I read Chelsea's book, Life Will Be the Death of Me. Mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it and she said but she said you actually have to read the book.

Oh boy. So I read the book and you had to learn how to read. So you had to learn how to read then you had to get the book.

But I laughed out loud. I was you know what I was when I read that book I was like enlightened like you taught me things. I brought up with you on the tour. It was inc I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are all those things. And in the book you talk about your you know one of the things you talk about your in in that book was the your brother passed away when you were like nine and um he was older than you and obviously you know I want to ask you this you know something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age but for those of us who haven't suffered like a loss like that as a child how did that inform you going further like through your teenage years and adulthood and does that still inform you in certain ways?

Well, I think you know when it happens, you just like you're a nine-year-old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection. So, you kind of pack it away and then just distract yourself for the next 35 years and until it [ __ ] comes and taps you on the shoulder and then you have to address it with a professional. Like once your anger stops working for you in that way and you become too angry, which is what happened to me, uh then you you you sit down with somebody and you're like you pay somebody to tell you what the [ __ ] is wrong with you, right? That's that's a transaction. I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you, you know, why you're acting like such a [ __ ] So, uh, it was a process of just understanding that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl and the inability to

ever really healthfully deal with that and digest it kind of turns you into maybe somebody that you're not and or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you kind of assess yourself. You want to you it's the gift of self-awareness. You want to reflect and go, "Oh, wait. Is this why I'm so impulsive? this is why I don't want to be, you know, this is why I love being single and I don't have to depend on anybody, you know, all of that stuff. All that stuff. Yeah.

So, well, I think it's amazing though because Yeah. All that. I'm sorry. Did you want to interrupt me again, Sean? I mean, for [ __ ] sake.

So, sorry. You know, I live for it. I live for you. Okay. Kissa, keep going. Sorry.

Um, but I wanted Well, we were talking about that because So, Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago theater, right? Yeah. we performed at or you interviewed me at and the whole time he was just like you know complaining about the flight out and he had to bring Scotty of course which is obviously an added bonus anytime you have to deal with Sean it's better to have Scotty around

because it's like his nanny true and um we we had a great conversation on stage right

yeah it was so fun yeah we had a great time and then you just kept asking me how much I was going to reimburse you for the trip

right yeah by the way still waiting how much you make and how how much you got when you sold your house.

Yeah, he loves to talk about money. I love it. I love it. It's crazy. Money makes the world go around. I like to know how it makes the world go.

Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas, are you are do you like the tables? Do you like the slots? You got a loose slot um that you you prefer.

Yeah, I I play blackjack a lot. Although Will Will and I were in Vegas once and we played uh craps. I had never played craps before and that was fun because Will knew how to play craps. And your other friend, what was your friend's name? Will

beast. Mark Foreman. Beast. Beast. Beast. Beast. Yeah. you lent him money. In fact, he was like he's he worked for me at the time and he still does works with me but now but he had no money and he was like no I don't want and you're like take some Chelsea just grab pushed some of her chips over to him like you're a beast just take this and he was like oh my god what the hell was [ __ ]

now Chelse when we were on tour too I was I'm I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing because there's some crossover into mine too about how kind of just screwed up it was but um I remember you telling me that your uh mom. No, no, wait. Your dad was is Jewish and your mom was Mormon, right?

My mom was Mormon and my dad is Jewish. Yeah. So, what So, what religion was was forced upon you, if any, growing up? And did you

Well, not [ __ ] Mormon because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier and we didn't take that seriously. Once I realized I we broke it down. My dad was the dominating person in that marriage and my mom was German. So she came over after the war. So we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said, you know what I mean? He was Jewish and she was going to just shut up about being German for a long time until things blew over from World War II. So uh we

did she marry him out of guilt? What happened? I think I think maybe that had some they had quite a love affair. My parents um he met her in a ski store. He was buying ski socks and uh he saw her leg.

Just the socks. No. Yeah. just the socks. He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size 12 pair of socks or something like that, you know.

Anyway, they had a love affair. My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish. So, I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died and then it was a big thing because, you know, in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together, right? So when they had to buy my like a plot of graves when my brother died and they wanted to buy one for both of my parents and I remember a rabbi was at our house and he's like Rita my mother isn't Jewish. We she can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery and I was like that was the first I had heard of it and I was like what do you mean mom's not Jewish?

What's mom? And you know I was nine so nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought she doesn't really understand what's going on. And um and then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Mormon. Like she wore the undergarments. She had missionaries at her house all the time. And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, "Listen, we have to have, you know, we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother so that she can be buried next to your brother." And we're like, "Dad, this is such [ __ ] Like all of her Mormon friends are coming to the the funeral. Like they're all at our house. We can't do that." He's like, "Don't make eye contact with any of those people, okay?

We just have to get through the funeral and get her on the ground." And I was like, "My family was so [ __ ] up. We couldn't even get funerals, right?"

Oh my god. What a crazy world. Imagine here's somebody, she's your mom. He's she's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her. If your dad has these feelings, he wants her to be buried next to her son. Like all this [ __ ] like just it's all about love and love of people. And there's [ __ ] religion whether whichever one it is. Take your pick. sticking his [ __ ] nose in and ruining the experience of people who are just [ __ ] grieving and in love with each other. And that is such [ __ ] [ __ ] Like that is [ __ ] that is crazy.

Yeah. Well, what's crazier is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard.

But his feet were warm. I'll bet. Right. Did he keep just the socks? He had his socks on.

Yep. Yeah, he had his socks on. That's where Yeah, that's where he took your mom's death semih hard.

Nice. I heard the rumor was the rumor was into his socks. Now, uh what did you what about any of the the Mormon stuff um uh make its way into the house or was that more like if the if the father is a Mormon then there's a lot of wives around and kids around or or do you come from a big family?

How dare you? But first of all, how dare you? I'm not sure. I'm I'm rusty on all this stuff

on Mormonism. Yeah. Well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while. So, it's I I do I know it sort of kind of but not not really. Anyway,

yeah, it's kind of it's adjacent to a lot of people like a lot of us. We kind of know a little bit. I remember I read the Book of Mormon. My mom because my mom got religious after my brother died. You know, everybody handles their grief like that. Like people get sick, they get religious, they get angry, they hide it away. My mom got really back involved with the church because before that she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother like at all of our bach mitzvah and bar mitzvah. My brothers and sisters, I'm one of six kids. My mom would be on the beimma at you know at temple singing Hebrew prayers. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like wait what? So it was very confusing. But my mom converted my one sister Shashana, she became Mormon, too. She's now finally recovering from that. But um I remember reading the Book of Mormon when I was like 11 and I just

How does the Mormon church even allow a Shashana in there? Right. Shashana should be

You can't get through the door. They'll take anyone. Exactly. There's no prerequisite.

Charles, were your parents like It's kind of a boring question, but I'm I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going to comedy or or the entertainment business at all? Were they like, "What are you doing? I I don't understand why you're going there." No, my parents when I left, you don't understand the kind I I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to [ __ ] off, you know, teachers, any authority, like authority figures, my both of my parents. So, by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA. And um they were just like, "This is the right thing. You should go." Everyone was so over me in my family that they were happy I was leaving. And I was telling my I was telling the story the other day. My brother I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer. So I he gave

me this like uh Audi Quattro, this used Audi Quattro which I knew was going to break down as soon as I got across country if I even made it. And um

my brother being as protect, you know, protective overprotective said, "Why don't you I met this bartender last night in a bar I and he wants to go across country too. Why don't you drive with him across country so you're not alone?

Oh my god. And I was like, and he goes, "It's safer that way, Chelsea." And I was like, "Yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar right?"

But of course, I was like, "Sure." So, I pick up the guy. Uh, I don't remember. Andy Dick.

Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick. And he was two guys. The guy was two guys.

He was twins. I was like, "Are you guys Oh my god." He said, "One guy and they just started multiplying." And uh the guy says to me, he goes, "Uh, hey, do you want to go get some coke in the city for the trip, right?"

And I was 19. And this was before I was Baitman that you picked up. It wasn't. I do like Baitman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't.

Guys, let her do the big reveal. All right, you're jumping ahead. And the guy goes, "Let's get some coke." And I was like, "Uh, all right." So, we drive into New York City. He picks up his coke, right? We we're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And I we we get in the car and we're driving. We're It's like a 5-h hour drive. We left from New Jersey and I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is, right?

And we get to a hotel room. We get two beds and we get we check in and he starts doing the Coke. And I was like, "Really?" The first night I was like, "What? How's this going to work?" And then he got maps out.

This was before, you know, our cell phones and everything. He got maps out and was laying them all across the room while he was snorting coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, "Oh my [ __ ] god."

He should have laid down the coke in the And it was so annoying. And he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, "Dude, you got to stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never going to be able to drive again because there's a pound of cocaine in our room and you're either And and then I was like, is what if he dies on my watch? So,

he's going to try to kiss you first. Did he try to kiss you then? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I go to sleep. I woke up. He was inside of me. I go to sleep.

Bet it wasn't hard though. I wake I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps and he's like, "I think we could go this way and I think we go this way." And I was like, "There's no way this is happening."

So, I take my suitcase. I go, "Hey, I want to go put our stuff in the car." I take both of our suitcases. I live leave his right outside our room and I take mine. I put it in the trunk and I just pulled out of that like Maryland hotel that we were in and drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out.

Ever hear from him again? My brother was like once I got to California I was like you thanks a lot for that idiot. Yeah.

And he goes I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like yeah I did. And he said yeah he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000. By the way, telling By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best still.

What a [ __ ] Yeah, that taxi driver. It was probably Yeah, that taxi driver was like, actually, it was $500 until you started talking. So, now it's 2,000.

And we will be right back. And now back to the show. So, when you got out to LA, you're 19 years old.

Pull in. You're You're on the [ __ ] freeway. What do you What do you What's the first stop? What What did you want to do?

I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. Like I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty, you know, for the attention to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more um sophisticated or, you know, and then uh I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived in on Beverly Glenn.

They had nine children and I became their kind of nanny and I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern and um and I just started waiting tables and then I was like all right what the [ __ ] am I going to do out here? Like how am I going to get discovered? Like I just assumed somebody would see me and be like oh okay come with us.

And what was first? Did you just did you go to the comedy store? Did you go to the improv? Did you like get an agent? What what was first? Well, I went to uh I got a DUI when I was 21 years old.

Unusual route. Good start. Unusual. Yes. Unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. And uh I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you like if you get pulled over the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. Like you always have to say no, deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? Um you're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again by and it's being paid for by the state,

right? And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. And so I was really really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. So, I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every week like, "Don't [ __ ] pick on me. I don't know what I'm gonna say. I don't know what my story is." And on the very last class, he was out of people. And I had to get up and I remember just like, you know, when you're so nervous, your like leg is shaking. And I just was like, "Oh my god." And I got up there and I started telling my story and everyone just started laughing and laughing because like I called the cop racist. We were both white. you know, everything I did, I I was in civil brand county jail for like 24 hours because you could they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am, this, you know, white entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like,

"What civil brand?" I just found the biggest fattest black woman I could find. And I was like, "Let's be friends." And um after that, after I spoke and I did that, people were like, "You should do standup." And then I thought, "Oh, that's a great idea. I should do standup. You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after. So, that's when I started doing standup. So, I I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea because people if people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing standup on my own.

But, it's interesting that it was in there. It was in there before you got up there. You just didn't you just needed some kind of something to pull it out of you. Yeah.

Yeah. A little outlet to pull it out of me. Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer who busted you and and thanking him for your career?

No, I haven't thought about that. I was waiting for I was actually going to wait for you to do that, Will.

So, is that something you feel comfortable doing? Of course I do. Of course. So Charles, you know, it's it seems like in like the last decade or so, you've been you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious standup to and television shows where, you know, your humor comes out of from everything from like observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political and world issues and that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about. And what was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that that you know shifted your focus a little bit?

Yeah, it was called the election Sean of 2016. No, I didn't know if it was before that. I didn't know if it was before that.

No, I mean that just really got me to a place where I just thought, "Oh god, America's going to be over." Like we're a P.

And that's when your book and that's when you wrote your book and and Yeah. So that was like I went through a really difficult time. It was after right as my Netflix show was ending and I I that's when I got into therapy and I was just so it was like you know they say your anger everything works for you until it doesn't right and that was kind of when everything came to a head for me where I was emotionally just like oh I need to get some help here like I'm not doing great anymore and what was working for me before isn't working for me now.

So there was a big shift in that and I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that and I was but I felt like I had to. I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't. It's like if you don't say something then what does that say about you? And I and I'm not like that, you know? I wish I could shut up sometimes.

And before that it w it you weren't just as I don't know. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but like in tune to politics or you weren't as affected by them in that way. Is that is that fair? No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, not in tune. And I was affected by it, but come over. I know. I always have to correct you. I love it. Um, but I was, it was going well. We had Barack Obama and I thought things were changing. I, in my naive, you know, little bubble, I'm like, "Oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving."

So, I wasn't as vehement and a um and loud, you know, until until that. Did you feel that? Did you were you were you satisfied or pacified uh that what you were doing was affecting some change or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind and if anything good comes from it then great but uh until then at least I'm speaking my mind.

Yeah. Well, I did a lot of stuff like I went on a a tour across country to colleges and campuses to to you know debate conservatives to talk about the election to understand why people did that and I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm. So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see like a tangible event you know or a concrete evidence I should say of of your efforts and not just mine obviously millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It felt fullon, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150% and then, you know, I'm like, "Okay, I'm done with this." You know, and then we get this president and we're dealing with this [ __ ] and you're just like, "Oh my god, it's never ending this kind of cycle."

So I' I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple weeks because it's just

it really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective

Welcome to the club. Yeah. I'm serious. I'm serious. No, no, no. I I these guys know I talk about it all the time that I about a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things on my DVR. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, you're you're first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on. It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. And I don't need to be reminded of it 247. And I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel I god I hate the word toxic, but toxic where where it's just like it feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times.

Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer. We'll be right back. I mean, sorry. Yeah, let's let's change the subject. Okay, here we go. People are just going to tune out.

So Sean, you set us on this path of destruction. I know. And you ruined it. She's doing a comedy tour for [ __ ] sake. Let's get back to religion. No, we'll get back to religion. That's fun.

No. Stop with the hot button. How about gambling? Gambling. All right. Let's talk about

Let's talk about sexual. What about What about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals.

Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during co I was like, "Fuck this. My dogs think that I'm They think my housekeeper is their rescuer and they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are It was It was so demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during co and I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski and I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house. I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our place. look me in the eye like are you [ __ ] are you kidding me that you think you're going to look after us I would take them for I took them for a walk the first day I'm in Whistler I'm in this little private neighborhood right and I'm taking my dogs for a walk probably for the first time since I got them let's be honest

and because I had to go to Whistler alone you know it was co you could nobody could get in and and so

I'm walking them and they're they're brother sister chow chows they're from the same litter and they're rescues I want to put that in there just so Peta doesn't [ __ ] bump me up um I've had problems with them in the pasture So, uh, I took them for a walk one morning and this woman, and I didn't have them on leashes cuz my dogs are so lazy, they can't even run, you know? They're just like, and I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them. She goes, and I'm like, really? She goes, "There's no leashes. You don't have leashes on the dogs." And I said, "They're not aggressive." Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything. And she's like, "It's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears and

and they're like they're like one feet tall. They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all, so nobody's going to think that. Um, but yeah, my dogs after I took them from home from Whistler, I just my my cleaning lady was like when I came home, I realized like I just that was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does, you know? I I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to, but those dogs when they're with her, they thrive. And when with with me, it feels like they're going to cross over.

I'm going to put jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be That doesn't work for dogs, honey. Unless you have a maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? No, you do have a cat.

I don't have a cat. No, Scotty's You should. All right. So, listen. Chelsea, you know, you

go ahead, Sean. You got another question? [ __ ] Yeah. Don't let anybody else chime in here on

my gohead. The most I've talked on this podcast and we started. I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, John Sean, and this is the most you've spoken.

So, it get excited when I see you. Jason's on his Only Fans page. Look at Jason. Look at him down there.

He wishes he knew what that was. Are you kidding? What is Only Fans? There you go. What is Only Fans?

Truly. Is that a Is that a thing? Yeah, it is a thing. You'll find out. Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again. Unbelievable.

Just I heard you on your, by the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it. You're so funny. And you on it, you said um you were talking about something about funerals. Like I can't remember if it's

Oh, getting hit on at a funeral. Yeah. Or not. Is did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay to get hit on.

No, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. And if even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that.

What about you're crying? You need a shoulder to to cry on. And he just Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral?

What if it's open cast? I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral making out at funeral at my friend. Yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service.

Wait. Oh my god. Making out like tongue kissing. And I'm like, you [ __ ] have to be kidding me. It's so

Well, it was at the it was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right? No, it was at a memorial, but still it's still whatever. It's still memorial and it's still [ __ ] hot as hell or really rude.

Interesting. But depends. Were they good-looking people? Yeah, it depends. Uh yeah, they're both good-looking people.

Well, that's pretty [ __ ] great. I mean, watching good-looking people make out, I don't care where you are,

in front of a cast, that's going to Right. And they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway.

They're celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not.

Wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it? Hey, Chelse, let me ask you something else. Um, you know, for the

Oh my god, Sean. Sean, we got to pause there for a second. Hold on a second. Where's Scotty? Sean, where's

I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now.

Just [ __ ] That's it. [ __ ] Sean's Okay. Wait, you could take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it.

I'll do it myself. Um, no. Just I wanted to know for real though cuz for for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always always always on the go. Go go go go go go go go go non-stop. Who is your constant when you come back home or or you know you hear this word a lot like camp Chelsea? Like who's in your camp or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time that you're like, "Ah, now I'm home."

Uh, my family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight. So we we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together. That's good.

A lot of them are in New Jersey, but you know, not my dogs obviously. And um my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends, you know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends and LA has been my home base for a long time, but I I don't ever spend a long duration of time in LA. I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in LA. And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children because apparently parenting never [ __ ] ends. And I have, you know, designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house. So she came down for COVID for 3 months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18.

And they stayed for 3 months and then I put the house on the market and sold it so that would never happen to me again.

Are you serious? How did you let that happen? I Well, it was my sister, so obviously I can't say no to family, but and I thought, "Oh, this will be fun. I have, you know, the room. I have this great fun house." And so they all came down and then all of a sudden I was doing dinners every night at 7:30 with you know three kids and every night somebody would cry and and and then one oh and then my nephew who my nephew he's 24 years old he's a sports journalist and he was he was getting really frustrated during co you know he's like I can't date I'm like date buddy like people are dying we're in a global pandemic.

Yeah. So one night I go she's like do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chicks? like, "Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up." Um, he so he had an outdoor like an outdoor date in our my backyard and my sister goes, "Let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody." And I was like, "Okay, let's" So, we went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's. And we came back and um he was at my kitchen counter, my ne my 24-year-old nephew, my firstborn nephew, okay? and he is acting like Ernest Hemingway just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated running his hands through his hair like he'd never been through so much. And I was like, Jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, "No, Chelsea, of course I didn't. And it's not funny."

He's all backed up. Huh? And I looked at him and I was like, "No [ __ ] way am I listening." I'm like, "Is this boy frustrated because he's horny?"

And I couldn't believe it. So, I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, "Sorry about that." I go, "Oh, sorry about that. You Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic. What are Do you know I'm horny, too, but I can't [ __ ] anybody because you guys won't get the [ __ ] out of my house."

So, anyway, they left after that. I would have come over. Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having sex with you, Sean. Who doesn't? I mean, he I mean, especially when you you can't shut the [ __ ] up while we're having sex, you know? You just drill me with one question after another.

I don't drill you with my penis, just questions. No, you drill me with questions.

And now back to the show. Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it or the end?

I'm in the beginning of it. I announced 30 dates and uh I announcing 30 more. So, I'm going to be on tour for the next year. So, it's pretty fun. And we kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl after two years it was closed. So that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe. Tons of my friends came. I love that.

And uh yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time in big groups and and you know my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have you know faith in that and uh yeah I'm just loving doing standup again. You know, I want to get back to like

Did you have a Sorry. Did you have a chance to work on your material even though um there weren't a lot of places that were open during co

Yeah. Yeah. I had a I mean, I have been I've been Yeah. getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together, but there's so much material from CO, you know, trying to have sex during CO. I had to get my own COVID test at my house and then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever and I'd give them a little nasal swab and it take like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that in my kitchen.

And in that 20 to 30 minutes I would interview them, you know, about see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, "You're positive. You have to leave my house. a pinky ring.

If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive. Like just Yeah. Anybody who said masks don't work, it's like get out of my house. I can no longer [ __ ] you.

Right. Right. Wow. Hey, Chelse, when when you go on tour like you are, and do you have like a thing after the show's over where you like like any rituals or anything where you

meet and greet where you come back to the to the hotel where you are? Do you do something or you just like straight to bed or how late do you stay up? Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for the people that, you know, get the best tickets. We go, we do pictures after, but you know, when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Like being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour or whatever it ends up being is uh you like I'm 46 years old, so I got to keep it tight. I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter and I, you know, it didn't matter. You just now it's like you want to be sharp, you want to have mental clarity. So, uh, no, I don't really get after it in that way. At the end it's like usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. So,

right. Do you Do you ever go out and see other people's standup? Do you ever? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I have been lately.

Like anybody you're a fan of now? Yeah, a lot of standups. There's Hannah lot have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Uh Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female standup. A lot of women of color are opening for me obviously because that's you know my my you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it and uh yeah I just use different people all the time and I just love to bring girls in and um yeah I mean what was the question that's yeah Sean what was the [ __ ] question

he wants to know what you do after cuz cuz we're going to do a real stupid thing. We're going to go on tour like like like we're we're dumb asses. Um, and and so Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his posttow routine is going to be.

He wants to base it off what you do. And he wants to know like, can he can we hit the bars? Can he can he mingle it up with people? Like

or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the schvitz and and like where he's got to do like a No, Scotty, I'm at home and like, "Shut up, you guys."

Well, these two guys these two guys are sober, so they're not going to be going out with you, right?

We can drive We can drive him. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after it. Yeah,

actually Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows. You know, if it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast, yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want after.

You'll have plenty of energy. I mean, you don't have to. Thank you. By the way, Chelse, thank you for uh managing expectations as we move forward,

you know. What do you think, Chelsea? I do want to ask you like you've you've kind of had a bunch of different careers. Like you've been a you're a stand-up and you're a stand-up. You didn't start as a stand-up though. Is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you you kind of became known also as you were you had your show obviously that was hugely successful and now you've kind of come back to standup and you've had you had your show on Netflix as well and and you've gotten very political like you haven't had like a sort of a orthodox career. Not that anybody really does. My point is where do you see yourself like what kind of [ __ ] do you want to do I don't know in the next five years or 10 years that's do you think is going to interest you outside of just touring and [ __ ] Do you see yourself like doing another show like a late night show or some [ __ ] you know?

Um I um yeah I did start out as a standup. I that's how I got you know my show. So, I did, just to clarify that, I did start out. I did quit for a while when I burned myself out when I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series and my I had like a three or four year contract with them. So, I did all of that stuff. I did my shows. I did a bunch of documentaries and um and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be the Death of Me, to uh to a network to uh for me to star in. I read that.

So, it's kind of like Wait, sorry, sorry, sorry to interrupt. How many book How many books have you written? I know you've written a bunch.

Six. Amazing. Amazing. That's pretty [ __ ] impressive. Six number one New York Times bestsellers guys.

Is that true? Six number ones. Yeah. That's incredible. That's really impressive. That's very impressive.

Thanks. I know. Sometimes I can't believe it. That's awesome. So, you're adapting that into a show.

Yeah. So, it's kind of like a curb your enthusiasm like with me in therapy just constantly [ __ ] up, trying to decunt but never really being successful. It's another great title. Think about that. that as a title.

You know, you just put like a a weird symbol, phone symbol on there instead of the U and you're you're golden.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I wake up I have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to de. I'm like, do not be a [ __ ] today. You are one. Try not to be.

True. Spend maybe spell it with a K and then a U with an um lot and then you might be able to get away with it.

You're done. Yep. Good call, Will. Yeah. I'll use the Kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that.

Um so when when do you start doing that? Uh, are you are you writing that now in script form?

Yeah, Liz Tuchillo, who's the writer the writer on it, she and I just sold it. So, we're negotiating, you know, our deal and yeah, we're we're on it. I'm pretty excited. I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting for, you know, so I feel like I'm in that mode right now. Uh, you know, late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it, you know. So, I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again, but I don't see myself interviewing. I like real people. Like, I'm on my podcast, Dear Chelsea. PE people call in for advice. Like, it was supposed to be a joke and it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person. I like people to take risks.

And I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, "Go do that. Break up with that guy. Leave that job." You know, stop talking to your mother. But, uh uh so I I just like that. I like I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories and I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities and now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything.

So that genre for me or that medium I should say for me is no longer very exciting or challenging. You know, maybe something will happen to change that. But

what about acting? What about where does acting sit for you playing somebody completely different? Does that have any interest to you or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in? if it were fun and it was a challenge. Yeah. I mean, I do stuff, you know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated children and I was like, "Oh, that's a fun role." Like, I could get off on that, you know, but then it I couldn't do it with my tour in COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver. But I am always open to things like that, but you know, it's not my it's not my jam. It's, you know, I don't uh I'm not I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge.

Right. Right. Yeah. Right. I love that. You know whose acting I love, who I texted him about his acting is Jason when I was watching Ozarks. I was the ass

I was first of all I was on a panel with Laura Lenny for a goop uh Goop uh panel where Gwyneith

and um in New York City this was like three or four years ago and it was Laura Lenny, Drew Barrymore and a couple other girls

and they were talking about parenting and you know we all had microphones in our hand and uh Laura Linny told the story about how difficult she what a difficult time she had getting pregnant and that she

they're going to say difficult time working with Jason but yeah keep going. Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too and she that was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason is what she said.

Did she say it was difficult to explaining what a goop panel was to people in the street or no? That was easy.

Yeah. Yeah. She mentioned that too. Yeah. And but she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long and then I finally gave birth when I was 50 and I went into the microphone and like loudly and and and Laura Lenny looked at me and I just went congratulations. I'm sorry. I just that is so disgusting to me. Um, but I back to Laura and Jason on screen. I have to say is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason. Love it. Love it.

Nice lady. Thank you. He's very very good, isn't he? We We give him a lot of [ __ ] but we love him. He's so what he does.

Very charismatic, Jason. Always. Very, very on screen. Very charismatic on screen. Very on screen.

Yeah, definitely on screen. No, but in person it's a surprising dud. It was pretty It's It's pretty quiet. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of hate,

Chelsea. Thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted. This is the last thing you wanted to do today. But thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious.

Cool of you to say yes. You're such an original and original voice and and and where you think that you're c we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So, thank you.

Thank you guys. So much fun to see you all. Thank you, Chelsea, very much. Great to see you. Have a great rest. Even you, Sean. Way to go, girl.

Bye, Chelse. Bye. Hello friends. Yeah. Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So funny.

Chelsea's so funny. Boy, she makes me laugh. I know. She makes me laugh, too. She always does. She always She's super funny. She's

She wakes me up. She's very consistent. Always has lots of energy and ready to go. Um,

even in casual conversation, you feel like I got to be on my [ __ ] toes because she will burn me. She'll correct me. She corrected you, Sean. And she's corrected me before on stuff and you're like,

she lives for it. Hey man, I love it. If I wanted to be with my mom, I'd go back to Toronto. Like, why are you correcting me?

But but if you have any if you have if you like to if you like to sling [ __ ] you're in the wrong room with her.

Yeah, I know. She's quick. Yeah, it's I I do like that about her. It's pretty refreshing. You don't have to worry about talking about the weather cuz it just that's not going to cut it with her.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know. Love it. I bet her show is great, too. Of course it is. Every incarnation of of talk shows.

She's so [ __ ] funny. And Yeah. And she does I I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say like she'll and Ann says it in a way she's always surprising. That's the that's the thing it is for me is it's always surprising what she says like catches me off guard. Really funny. Uh you know really just s she says things so succinctly much unlike what I'm doing right now. But she's

Yeah. Nice job. Who's who's thinking of the Who's thinking of the buy right now?

I am right now. But I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with buy. Oh, now see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys. I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up.

No, you know why I brought up? Because I could see the look on Sean's face. It looked like he'd been lobomized.

Well, he was writing. He's been writing for like 30 seconds trying to figure out things that wrong stuff. That's what he does.

You were talking. He was like, he's just trying to think of like almost like he's got like an overby. Here comes eyes. Open eyes. What?

I don't think we're going to allow Are you saying open eyes? Here's what's funny. Anytime I try to do it, I get shot.

And you always go real high. I don't know why. Why does it lift you down here? I'll go down here. Eyes.

I don't know what the word you're saying is. And also because you Here comes Will's try. Will's going to try right now. Here he comes.

I'm not trying. What I'm saying is Sean will sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in.

Yeah. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. and and and it just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify.

Yeah, it just doesn't qualify. We're gonna sit here till we get one. I don't know. How did we back into this? By the way, should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first episode?

The very first one. Yeah. What did we just do? A simple buy. Well, we could do it. We could do it once a Yeah, we could do a simple buy or we could just agree to do it once uh uh a year or we could even do it by annually.

No, we've used that one. Why have we used that already? ually that doesn't even

We've used every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes or just say bye.

How about we just listener, we appreciate your time. Yeah, we do. Or Will, why don't you give them Well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, Arnette.

Why don't you get a [ __ ] new goodbye line for our for our guests, by the way? Okay, I got notes for you.

What are you talking When do I say we've taken too much of your time? Shut up. How about How about it's an hour and we're done? Yeah, we're done.

So, thank you for your answers. Who do I say that to? What? I You mean I say that to the guest?

I'm just as bad. I say, "Oh gosh, this No, you say, "Oh my gosh, what do you got? Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them?" Shut the [ __ ] up, baby.

I know. All right. If we're going to get into this and you two chuckles. Yeah. Sean, we're coming for you next. So, quiet down.

[ __ ] next, Sean. [ __ ] both of you. How's that for low, not high? Whoa. It's almost like he was about to bite our head off. OH MY GOD. THE [ __ ] was that?

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Questions about this episode

What is discussed in ""RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler""?

In order: 0:00 Chelsea Handler, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Hollywood Bowl, John Williams; 35:00 Hannah Einbinder, Life Will Be the Death of Me, Vanessa Gonzalez; 40:00 Chelsea Handler, Ozarks.

What is mentioned in this SmartLess episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Positive Sean, Chelsea Handler, Life Will Be the Death of Me, Jason Bateman, Laura Linney, Hollywood Bowl. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is ""RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler""?

The episode runs 48 min; the transcript is about 10,965 words in 222 timestamped sections.

More from SmartLess

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 9, 2026.