Transcript

America's Next Top Bald Person | Bit City

From Smosh · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 40 min · 6,692 words · 205 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "America's Next Top Bald Person | Bit City", an episode of Smosh published December 26, 2025 (40 min, about 6,692 words). It mentions 9 people, works and ideas, including The Ancient One, Tilda Swinton, Gillette, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: The Ancient One, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean, Tommy B
  2. – 15:00: The Ancient One, Tilda Swinton
  3. – 20:00: The Ancient One
  4. – 25:00: Gillette, RuPaul's Drag Race, The Ancient One
  5. – 30:00: Gillette, The Ancient One
  6. – 35:00: The Ancient One
  7. – 39:51: The Ancient One

Notable quotes from "America's Next Top Bald Person | Bit City"

  • Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean. What do these all have in common? Common. They're hardworking, incredible people, but they're also bald. Today, we are looking for.
    about Cheno Connor · at
  • To be bald and there's going to be no hair. But first, let me please introduce our judges. Please welcome Tommy B.
    about Tommy B · at
  • I am the Ancient One, though I have been called many names over the course of history.
    about The Ancient One · at
  • Is this Tilda Swinton's character in the movie?
    about Tilda Swinton · at
  • Yeah, I think I did pretty good. I take a lot of inspiration from my favorite show, RuPaul's Drag Race. So, little Easter egg for my queens.
    about RuPaul's Drag Race · at
  • Because America's Next Top All Person Shirley is going to be out here dealing with our sponsor Gillette Razor.
    about Gillette · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • The Ancient One — Person · 11 mentions · first at
  • Tilda Swinton — Person · 2 mentions · first at
  • Cheno Connor — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Mr. Clean — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean. What do these all have in common? Common. They're hardworking, incredible people, but they're also bald. Today, we are looking for America's next top bald person. Give it.
  • Tommy B — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Tracy Mattel — Person · 1 mention · first at
    I've been bald all along. Hello. And with us is Tracy Mattel.
  • Walter Hartwell White — Person · 1 mention · first at
    My name is Walter Hartwell White.

Companies & orgs

Concepts & topics

Full transcript with timestamps

Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean. What do these all have in common? Common. They're hardworking, incredible people, but they're also bald. Today, we are looking for America's next top bald person. Give it up, audience. Let's go. LET'S GO, GUYS. WE HAVE A massive studio audience full of bald people today. And we are going to find the next hot TOP BEST bald person. Okay,

I'm winning. I'm winning. See judges. Walter. Oh. Oh, I'm dying. I'm not sure what's going on here today.

There's going to be fun. There's going to be bald and there's going to be no hair. But first, let me please introduce our judges. Please welcome Tommy B.

I've been bald all along. Hello. And with us is Tracy Mattel. Yes. Turns out bald is beautiful.

It is. It is. Guys, you're sitting on a bald table. We are love. Yeah. What's your favorite bald person and why?

Uh, I guess Trixie when she's not going to say me. That's a good answer. I was going to say you too.

Sometimes I feel like I invented being bald. If somebody is Caucasian and bald on on the news, I get tagged as if I invented baldness, which I did.

Which you did. I did. And that's why you're here today. And and as someone who invented baldness, like what do you think defies bald?

People always tell me like, "Oh my god, I love you bald." It so goes with you. And I think sometimes it's just the attitude and the vibe. No one cares how much hair you have, but they care if you feel bad about it.

That That's it. That's it. You know what I mean? No one cares. Hair is hair. Okay.

Yes. So the people that we're going to see today, we don't want to talk about them being bald. No.

We want to know what else is going on. Do you know what makes hair? Dead cells. What are we bragging about our dead cells?

That's disgusting. No barf. I just want to say sometimes my culture is a costume.

I know. And today's that day. I have sweat coming from my bald head. Today we have three contestants and they are going to perform in three different rounds. We're talking beauty, we're talking talent, and we're talking interview.

And you guys can judge them based off of literally anything you want. I want the raw cut honesty of what you think is the best because this person walks away with the title of America's Next Top Bald Person and also maybe like um uh let's throw in something a couple bucks.

Yeah, I think we can do 15. Whoever looks the most bald and the most like a penis can ride home with me and Cynthia Revo.

Guys, I think we're ready to bring our contestants. Are you guys ready? I'm excited.

Here we go. Contestants, why don't all three come on out? Come on out. WOW. WOW. WHAT AN ENTRANCE.

WOW. WOW. A reveal. Wow. Okay. Let's start from over here. Um this thing. I'm I'm you. I'm you.

You're me. I'm a me. Okay. And And where where are you from? I'm a me. Oh, you're a me. Oh my god. A me. from we from we kids today don't know.

Hi, I'm you. I'm a mei named you. My family, they made the Wii and I was the first me that they made and it was really lonely, but now I'm here.

Okay. Um, do you want to tell us anything about yourself or? Um, well, my family left me, but that's okay cuz I'm really excited to be here.

Okay, wonderful. Keep it up for bald people whose families have left them. Thank you. Wow. Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Yes. And what about next to you? My name is Walter Hartwell White. No way. I live at 308 Negra O Royal Lane, uh, Albuquerque, New Mexico. My name is Walter Hartwell White. Very excited to be here today. Um, I just I I understand how I'm being viewed and I'm very excited to uh almost say uh rebrand. So,

the Walter White is here. Wow. Star struck. Wow. Right back at you, mama. Shorter than I thought.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the It's the the lights, I think. Um, now, next to Walter, who is this?

I am the Ancient One, though I have been called many names over the course of history.

Sorceress Supreme would suffice. Wow. Wow. I feel like I've seen you before. Are you Are you from from something I know? You must be some type of lore.

Yes, I'm Tilda Swintson's Asian old man character from Doctor Strange. Oh, hello. I am the ancient one. I have come here today not to win but to learn. For life is a teacher. Experience is experienced. Okay, now that we know who's competing today, we're going to go to our beauty portion. Um, and we're gonna start with me.

You. You. No, I'm not gonna go. You. I'm you. Okay, let's go with you. I'm so excited. I have all these new friends and and a lot of them, they don't have hair just like me. I thought that was just a me thing. I thought that was just a you thing, but it's we. I'm so excited for this competition. It's my first competition and I'm 30. Why isn't your tongue like mine? You look funny. But I love you. This is what I look like. Do you like it?

Yeah. I I I CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT. SEE? CHECK IT OUT. WAIT. OH. OH. OH, WOW. OKAY.

SURE. WOW. GO. It's completely different now. Who is that? THAT IS A WAY. OH, we're going to be here a bit.

Oh, it'll be it'll take I just feel like if they're going to take their clothes off, we should give her money or something.

LOOK AT THAT. LOVE THE PINK. Who is that? We love the pink. Love the pink. Now you really are me.

I like that. Love. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Get on in there, girly. No. Oh. Oh, wow. I really like the green.

This color. It's popping. If we played strip poker, she'd be in. She'd be winning.

Like I don't remember playing Wii and having the Mi characters be like more more clothes off.

Yeah. I think I did really good. I I think I feel really proud BECAUSE IT'S MY FIRST COMPETITION. So it's it's the best that I could do.

Can I get a hug? Yes. Let's see how this goes. Wow. A, that's so sweet. All right.

Okay. Okay. Judges, you get to rate um I'm you. I think you're you you get to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being the best, one being bad.

Okay. Okay. Tommy, tell you what you scored them. Hi, me. Um, hi you. Uh, I can verify via my eyeballs that you are a bald person, and I love that, and I feel like that means that you can be here. Everything else that you've presented today has, uh, thrown me for a loop a bit. I'm rate you a three out of 10. Um the different colors were exciting, but um I felt it was all kind of the same vibe and I kind of wish you stayed in that nice green. That was really the most beautiful in my opinion.

THANK YOU. I GOT THROUGH YOUR BLIND. TRACY, you seem um shocked. I'm not sure what's going on here today,

but I know that I can appreciate baldness. I can appreciate uniqueness. Um, I gave a a much higher score. Four out of 10.

Okay. And I also put a note. What's going on with you? That's incredible. That's great.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, I really do love you. Thank you. Next up for their beauty round, please welcome Walter Wyatt. Obviously, as many of you guys know, um I've had it rough family, career, health, but I'm here today uh for the men. Um and I I just want to um to bring something new to the table. Uh I have a lot of eyes on me, the DEA specifically. So, you know, I just want to clean the clean the slate. I'm a new man and I want to make new men amongst all of you. Hey. Hey Trixie.

Hi. Hi. All right. Um, hit it. Oh. OH, WOW. WHAT? OH. OH, WALTER. WALTER. NO. OH, MUCHO. MUCHO. AMORE.

NO. WALTER. NO. WALTER. YES. WALTER. YES. WALTER. YES. DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. WALTER. OH, WALTER. OH, WALTER. DRESSY. DRESSY. Miss Wee. That's how you take clothes off.

I feel great. Uh, I look great. you know, um, and, uh, what's not to love, you know? I think every middle-aged man should vogue every now and again. So, yeah, I feel good. That was incredible.

Thank you. Um, judges, um, you can, um, make your I'm sorry, I'm a little flustered.

No, me too. That was sweat coming from my bald head. I just want to say, um, Trixie, Miss Mattel,

do you want me to like leave? No. Um, look, Trixie, I just want to say thank you for um being, you know, you and um and I I don't know what I don't know what you look like under there, but I'm sure you're just beautiful woman. And I just I I'd love to if you know if you're free after if you're free after this, I'd love to I don't know, show you good show you a good time.

Well, wow. Okay, I think that says it all. That says it all. Judges, let's see those numbers.

Walter White, it's so great to see you here. Uh that was an incredible performance. I loved the nod uh to Sasha Velour. That was very exciting. I like how all of your body hair has collected in one place. I'm a big fan of that.

Um I did get a little worried once the pants came off. However, you truly blew me away. I'm going to give you a nine out of 10.

Wow. Wow. Yes. Incredible work. Thank you. Incredible work. I'll also tell you that nine looks bald, doesn't it?

Anyway, I thought that would kill. Okay, Trixie, what did you rate Walter? You know, the weight of my heart is just complete flattery and trying to me. So, I gave you a 10 out of 10 and I said, "Please.

Thank you. It looks like you're always about to say something." No. Thank Thank you.

Thank you, Walter. Thank you so much, Walter. EVERYONE, GIVE IT UP. WOW, great job.

And last, but certainly not least, the ancient one. Wow. Wow. Ooh, you need these roses cleaned up.

Fix it in post. With power comes restraint, using power, giving up power. I need not win. All I need do is compete and I would also um I would buy a new car. I started life as a child. Long have I lived and long have I learned. My childhood, a time forgotten, and yet it shapes us still. What is the past? What is the present? What is the future? Am I not but a child now? See? Oh, beauty. Beauty is but a trick of the light, a reflection on the mirror of time, a fleeting shimmer. Beauty, a fragile illusion.

Where is she going yet? Not for the judges at all. Beauty is like hair. Bald. She's getting her steps in.

It comes, it goes, it clogs the drain. What a delicate thing. This is somehow more sexual.

Yeah. Saying, We're going to It'll have to be bleeped. If we're showing Walter White's penis, we've already lost the money.

Why can't we sing, right? We're going to get a strike. Let's make it count. Let's do it. Let's So, thank you.

Is this Tilda Swinton's character in the movie? Can I say this is Tilda Swinton in every movie?

Of course. Is it done or Yes. That was the end. What is the beginning? Good. Oh no, not that done.

Beginnings, endings. Oh, we're losing her again. Like hair. It's very Don't make me sing.

I feel like I performed well. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And this beholder has a big old eye.

Tommy, what did you score Tilda Swinton? The ancient one. Sorry. Tommy, what did you score the ancient one?

Um, the ancient one. I really liked how diverse your beauty pageant performance was. Um, I'm kind of scared of you. I feel like you can somehow control my future. So, I'm giving you a 10 out of 10 cuz it's kind of freaking me out.

Wow. Yeah, I love the look. I had an ottoman that looked just like this. Put my size four feet up on them all the time.

Was it comfortable? Very. You seem so peaceful but so distressed. Mhm. I'm going to give it an 8 out of 10.

Wow. Wow. Well, thank you so much, The Ancient One. Wo. Oh, beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, the the other guys did, they did a good job, too, but nobody could be better than me.

I think I crushed them. I think uh they they don't hold the candle to this old flame. So, um keep it coming. Before we move on to the next portion, it feels like um do we do everyone's? Do you want to see anybody else or

I think we got it. I feel like we got the beauty. Okay, cool. Okay, cool. Um you don't want to see anybody else's beauty? Okay.

Oh, did you want to do something? Angela, could you? No, I have to hold Angela. You can just take a second. Do you want to give us a little walk?

No. We have heard the echoes of Angela's voice across the multiverse. It's hard not to hear.

Guys, how are we feeling so far? Who do you feel is the most bald off the bat? I don't know if it's about who's the most bald and

but you know what I mean. WHO'S THE MOST I'M TALKING ABOUT, you know what I mean?

Talking in the soul soul, right? Yeah. Who is giving that? Honestly, I'm voting for Walter White right now. Walter's got really some something's going on in the bald world for me. Honestly, the ancient one, it feels like like we're about to see a number.

It feels very musical. Yeah. I mean, don't rain on my parade. And then the we person um

I'm you. Yep. I think that gender is a spectrum. Yeah. And it's a journey. Sure.

Thank you for that. And it's like where is the journey going to go today for all these contestants? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, Rockstar. Got a basket. Just came from Costco. Okay. What you got bulk in there?

You see, I am a me and so obviously I've been playing lots of sports. So, I can show you all the sport that I play. Are you excited?

Excited is not the word I would use, but I am ready to watch. What I like about it is it's going to happen no matter what.

That's right. Here we go. Okay, so first, let's see. Ah, let's do this one. Okay, go ahead. TELL IT TO ME. TELLS IT TO ME.

I JUST WISH I had the Wii remote so I could Okay. Okay. To me, it to me. Oh. Oh, that's okay. THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY. I the best at sports. I've been practicing all my life and I've been practicing by myself. So now I get to show everybody else all of my skills. Skills.

Okay. Toss it to me. TOSS IT TO ME. Are you sure? There's just cameras everywhere. Okay. Oh, okay. Well, that's

I ALMOST GOT THAT ONE. What I was told was that today we're supposed to bring our best. And I guess I was the only one that got the memo, huh?

Okay. Either way, that's okay. That's okay. I GOT ANOTHER ONE. LET'S SEE. LET'S SEE. I got one.

Something going on. Okay. Are you ready? Oh, it's a crystal ball. Oh, that's okay. LET'S SEE. OH, I GOT more balls. They're not going to hit it, y'all. You know what? Yeah, I got this, too. You do boxing. I don't I don't want I don't want

I'm winning. I'm winning. See, judges. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Yeah. So, it's it's it's it's actually kind of sad because nobody actually picks me to play the sports cuz, you know, I guess maybe other people don't like the way that I look and that's okay because I like it. I was just really excited to get to play the sports AND PLAY WITH ALL MY NEW FRIENDS.

Thank you SO MUCH FOR EVERYBODY. WOW, what a fun day, right? That was great. Did you LIKE IT?

That's all I can say BEFORE I GET TOO EXCITED. TELL ME, what did you rate them?

Um me uh you Okay. There's You did a lot of different things, but I didn't really do any of them. Yes. Yes. Um I kind of struggled to see where the talent was, but I I enjoyed uh the attempt.

Yay. And you've made me feel really sad for you in the last 2 minutes. Yay. So, I'm giving you a four out of 10. CONGRATULATIONS.

YES. Very good, Trixie. I listen, I think this competition is all about representation. Not just for the bald, but also the mid.

And what I like about this is it was consistent. You started low and you ended low.

And honestly, who am I to critique someone's athleticism? So, I gave you a hearty seven out of 10. Wow. A

THAT'S THE HIGHEST YOU'VE GOT SO FAR. THE HIGHEST. GOOD SCORE. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for the 42. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR NUMBERS. I'm so excited.

Please welcome next up, Walter White. I just want to start out uh to you uh just to use my platform um real quick. Um look, I uh I know what you guys are thinking. Uh yeah, everyone knows my uh my past, but I'm here to rewrite history. Oh, and um you know, I'm a chemist. I'm a I'm a smart guy and I just want to help other other men.

Wow. You know, just men, right? Just Yeah. took note of that. Right. You know, us men, we we need help.

We do. Sure. Sure. Um and so I just want to if I can take a quick moment um introducing my new uh my new supplement. And what are the benefits of of

just, you know, just a little there's just a little there's just a little boost of energy throughout your day. Makes you feel real happy real quick.

Just a little boost. Just a little boost. I think you would do you do very well on Fox News.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Tricks. And that is your talent today? No. No. Sorry. I just learned a

story. Right. Right. Okay. All right. Oh, we're all going to get cast. Oh. Okay. Walter, take it away. Thank you. Obviously, I'm a little nervous. Um, this is something that, uh, well, Trixie, you inspired me to find. So, um,

oh god. Oh wow. Oh, good. Good control there. The suit makes it so loud. Yeah, it's really crinkly. This is for you. This is for you, Trixie. This one's for you, Trixie. Mel, this one's for you. All right, Trixie. This one's for you.

Oh, you're back. Trickers. Wow. This one's for you, Trixie. Matteo. Oh. Oh, wow. That was that. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. That's amazing, Walter. Thank you. Yeah, I think I did pretty good. I take a lot of inspiration from my favorite show, RuPaul's Drag Race. So, um, you know, little Easter egg for my queens. Walter, a question for you. Now, that was a lot of movement. How How old are you again? Aren't you in your like 50s or something?

Yeah. Wow. Okay. That's very athletic for an older body. Congratulations. Thank you. I I you know, I stretch. I take my supplement.

Uh-huh. Um Yeah, twice a day. And yeah, you know, a couple stretches. Um it's good. It's good for the It's good for the old dog. I look, I'm a man of many talents. I have my uh education in chem and uh a lot of things that uh people don't see uh out in public um or things that I just want to bring to the table and I'm happy to uh share my passion of the old break dance.

I don't mind the supplement plugging because America's Next Top All Person Shirley is going to be out here dealing with our sponsor Gillette Razor.

That's right. Thank you. Gillette Razors, we love you. I liked it. It puts It puts the white and Walter White the way you dance. Oh,

very Thank you very much. The worm was a little more the roach. Um, and you know what? I like a guy like Walter because nobody's going to take him from me

because no one's going to want to. Yeah. And I will say, I mean, we all know what sells in this country. It is sex. Um,

so I'm going to give you Walter 69. WHOA. WHICH IS A 6.9. LOOK, UH, I'd be lying if I didn't say uh, which I think every straight white male in, uh, America can agree. We all have a little crush on on, uh, on Miss Mattel.

Tommy, what did you score, Walter? Walter, I'm hoping you can cut me a deal after this. I gave you an eight.

Wow. Look at that. Thank you. Looks like two bald heads on top of each other. Last, but certainly not least, please welcome the ancient one. I think I'm going to sit for this one.

It's very Lana Del Rey. Very Oh, drapey and nap time all the time. Yeah. What's going on?

Oh, magic. What? What? It was behind your ear. Oh, I've never seen one of those in real life. Is it a pack of hot dogs?

Yeah, they're cut. Did you guys hear it from Walter? Look, again, I'm trying to be nice. I'm freaking trying to be nice here. They're not making it easy.

You think you know how the world works. That the material world is all there is. But there are a multitude of dimensions, some benevolent, some filled with malice. What lies beyond the reach of your reality, awaiting there for you to discover? Oh, a sound.

At the root of existence lies reality. Uhhuh. Oh, this in a She's singing the last song. She's singing the last sheet.

Can you give us a little more of the flute? It's like if a street performer was in an alley.

Yeah. Yeah. Like away from the public. 100%. Wait, I have You're not going to get tips back there.

There's something else. A fan. Oh, okay. Sure. Then can you can you tell us what this is? The magic arts are ancient as time. I am merely channeling pure dimensional energy into this fan.

Yeah, there are so many bald people that could have been here. You know me. I've learned many tricks and many talents across the years. Watch this one.

Hold on. It usually works. Unveiling talent. What I want from a a bald person is someone who really controls their space and controls the energy that they have and other people uh feel from them. And you kind of tear Am I putting you to sleep?

Oh, hi. Okay. Hi, Ancient One. Should we get some water for the ancient one? Yeah. You good?

Got it. Um I gave you a seven. It was It was wonderful. Beautiful. Yes. Beautiful. Trixie,

as much as I don't get it, I'm starting to be gas lit into being like I it's me that's wrong. You know, whatever I'm doing is not right because this feels so sure of itself. And what's great about being bald, I will say, is sometimes when bald people wear an outfit, you're like, that really works.

For sure. Yeah. And I will say dressing for the head of hair you have is part of being America's Next Top Bald person. True. Thank you. That is true.

Would have loved an actual talent just across the board kind of. Yeah. Just kind of a kind of a different approach. Do what we asked. Um,

what would I know? I'm just a champion. Um, so I gave you a nine and I wrote wrote it nine. But as you know, numbers just a construct.

There you go. Wow. Very good. So before like they start rolling like just like just between us like even if you weren't judging them like would you judge like who would you judge being the best?

Yeah. There's a lot of um there's a lot of bald people here and Yeah. Right. Because I feel like some people like Yeah. got into bald caps for the competition. So,

oh, you mean like people who aren't competing? Yeah, like if you had to guess if you had to say who you loved the most.

Well, I believe in self- loveve, so I'm going to say myself. I was also going to say you.

Thank you. Okay, so we're going to move on to the interview portion. Um, can we strike this chair?

It's very disappearing. Okay, so there was a talent. THERE WAS A TALENT THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST DONE THAT, Ancient One. Okay, so this is our final portion where we are really going to get to the heart of the head.

We're going to really figure out what's in there. What is the reason they want to be this? And what are they going to use their platform for? Cuz whoever we announce as America's top bald person today immediately gets like a bajillion followers.

They get bald verifies. Free Gillette for life. Free Gillette for life. Free for life.

They're going to be like literally all over. So I mean we want to make sure we are giving this title to someone who really deserves it. Okay, so first up, me. I'm you and you.

Go. This actually kind of looks like where I usually spend my time, just by myself in a white void. It kind of feels good. It feels comfortable. I'm just happy I get to meet new people for the first time. It feels so good being surrounded. This is what it feels like to touch other people.

Me. Oh, me. If you won America's Next Top Bald Person, what would you use your platform for?

What? Oh, boy. Me. I'm you. Me. I'm you. Let me get to the me. If you want America's Next Top Bald Person, what would you use your platform for? To the camera. Not.

Well, my name is you. I just want to make sure that that's clear. I am a me. I'm the first me. And you see, my family left me. So, I think that I would use this win to make sure that nobody has no family. I want to make sure that everybody has family. Everybody needs a community. And I need one, too. So, that's why I feel so happy to be here today, cuz I have one now. And that's all of you. I have you. I'm shocked.

Are we safe? You know what? Can I can I say I do think you're very open with your story and I think that really counts for something.

Thank you for the glass half full. I will say we knew things that happened to you before you said anything.

You wear your tongue on your mouth like hard on the sleeve kind of thing. Yeah.

Technically they said that they there's a few like you know um mistakes or something with my like features but I don't see them as that. I see them as beautiful.

It is a really powerful message that you want to bring family everywhere. I want I just want I want it to be we not you.

Yes. Okay, Tommy, let's see what you scored me. You've uh you've really shared a lot about uh your past um the the family thing. It's uh kind of heartbreaking.

Yes. Um, and you've pretty much given nothing but um, this voice and this kind of like terrifying energy. So, uh, out of 1 to 10, I rated you, hey, you're going to be okay.

Yay. Wow, guys. I'd say every America's Next Top Bald person you see one, hey, you're going to be okay.

Thank you. Thank you for being so nice. I'm glad you got it. I also kind of took a therapeutic turn with it. Yeah, good

because there's something about punching down that just doesn't sit right with me. So, I'm gonna offer you um 10% off at Better Help using the code Trixie.

What is What is therapy is important? Yeah. What is therapy? Well, you know, you could do some of the things you did here today, but doing it in the right environment to a person who wants to hear it. I I think that I did the best with my speech because I just talked about happiness and acceptance. I just wanted everybody to know that even if they don't look like me, they don't have to feel bad. It's okay. Not everybody's going to look like me. Okay. Next up, please welcome Walter Wise.

Walter. Yay. Walter. I just want to take this moment to introduce my uh the new me with this supplement uh male enhancement therapy hormone. Just gives you a boost midday when you need it. You know, I'm using my chem roots to uh to do good this time. If you won America's Next Top Bald Person, what would you do?

Oh. Oh. Are you seeing me? Are you a little jealous? Maybe. If you won America's Next Top Bald Person, what would you do with your platform?

Yes. Thank you. Um Whoa. I would probably use um I would use my platform to help men everywhere.

Um you know, we've been down for far too long. I don't know. No, Trixie. Yeah. Would you make would you make me the h the happiest bald guy in town

and be and be Mrs. Mrs. white kind of are already. Don't feel pressured to do this cuz you're on camera.

Come on, Trix. You're on camera. I don't feel pressure. Um, well, where were you on January 6?

Maybe she'll have pity on me. Maybe there's a pity party with a a bowl of punch. I don't know. Who knows?

Okay, Tommy, what did you rate Walter? Well, you were my favorite for quite a while and then you just said some stuff that didn't really feel good. Um, so I am going to rate you uh from my heart

true and honest. Um, and exactly how I feel about you. Still looking for a judge discount on that stuff. I gave you a nine out of 10.

Wow. Judge discount on that stuff. Remember this when we talk later. Okay. Thank you.

Okay. Wow. Trixie. Well, I just feel like we've gone a million years in a day here.

I agree, Trixie. And I just feel, you know, abused people go back to what they know.

It's a Yes. Wall. Wow. Wow. Of course. Of course. Of course. Can we just We have our first kind of touch.

Oh, yeah. Wipe off your hands. We can get you a towel or something. You could use my jacket. Okay.

Kind of wet. Just a Just a little. Just for you. Oh, wet. Uh-oh. Need some powder on my old head. On my old head. I'm I'm sweating. Yeah. Way to make him a boy blush, I guess.

Probably. Oh, just like that. No, you want to wear it midway through the finger.

Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you. Just call me Skyler. Yeah. Um, don't tell my wife.

The ancient one. If you were named America's Next Top Bald Person, what would you do with your platform?

If I were named America's Oh, I'm dying. Oh, you're dying. Oh, I'm dying. Yes. What are you dying of?

Mental consumption. Like tuberculosis in your brain. It seems so horny. Yeah, I've seen so many possible futures and they all end at this point.

Okay. Sorry. Do not be sorry. Death gives meaning to life. We do not get to choose our time.

A Charlotte's Web kind of vibe. I've lived so long and here I am stretching one moment into an endless bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Dr. Walter, it was always you. What? No. Yes. Come take the eye of Agamoto.

No. Yes. That No, that's not right. Dr. White, come. Come. Dr. White, is this America's next crazy bald person?

Take Can you take it off, mate? Can you take it off? That's what this is. You better know how to take a bra off, too Walter. All right, there's my head. And there it goes.

Oh, beautiful. Okay, keeping it safe. Beautiful. Oh. Oh, and we're back. Oh, the butt in the air.

Oh, wow. Okay, judges, let's judge whatever the I just wrote. Is anything happening?

That's a great score. Give it up for that score. That's a good score. You got to Is do you even care? Is anything happening?

No touch. Sorry. What did I do wrong? Um, as a judge, I try not to um like bring myself out of my position of authority, but I feel like I need to get on the same level as the ancient one for my answer here. I put that nothing is everything. You know,

finally someone gets it, right? Um, and so I'm going to go right in the middle of 0 to 10 for that and give you a five.

Okay. Perfectly balanced. Yeah. Still kind of lost on what we were going for, but I did enjoy when you got on the ground.

Look at me thinking that I was going to get interviewed and there I was doing the interviewing. How life twists and turns and flips things and flops things.

Okay, folks. LET'S BRING OUT OUR CONTESTANTS. COME ON, Y'ALL. COME ON OUT. INCREDIBLE.

WOW. WOW. Thank you guys. This is a really important thing we do every year and um this is going to be a big deal to everybody. So,

okay. In third place with 18 points plus mental health help. That's right. It's me.

Welld deserved. I was just doing my best. It was my first game. It's okay. They didn't like it. That makes sense.

Now we're down to two. Walter or the ancient one. Okay. 39 points was given to our second place.

We gave someone 39 points. You did. And that was our runner up, the ancient one. Giving America's Next Top Walter. Nope. America's Next Top Bold person to Walter WITH 421. OH,

WALTER, take off that hat. Let's see the world. Fair. Walter, you are America's next top bald person. Do you want to thank the judges?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Trixie. Um, I had a blast. And Trixie, I'm Hey, baby. So happy for us. Thank you, TRIXIE BATTEL.

AMAZING. AMAZING. UM, JUDGES, do you have anything to say before we head out? Um, I can't tell if I've been in here for 5 minutes or 5 hours, and I'd like to thank everyone for that experience that I'm feeling.

I feel the exact same way. It was an incredibly tight race. Everyone almost lost. So, congratulations to Walt. Give it up for white men Everywhere.

Give it up. This is I did this for you. Good. Okay, guys, and we'll see you next year at America's Next Top Bald Person. We love you. Goodbye.

Bye. Bye. Wait, there's more content. We cut half of that. And if you want to watch the other half, you can become a member today. Watch everything we cut out. Everything we cut that wasn't funny enough or too inappropriate. Just be a member. It's so fun. Really fun people are members. Click the button, the join button right there.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "America's Next Top Bald Person | Bit City"?

In order: 0:00 The Ancient One, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean, Tommy B; 10:00 The Ancient One, Tilda Swinton; 15:00 The Ancient One; 20:00 Gillette, RuPaul's Drag Race, The Ancient One; 25:00 Gillette, The Ancient One; 30:00 The Ancient One; 35:00 The Ancient One.

What is mentioned in this Smosh episode?

9 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including The Ancient One, Tilda Swinton, Gillette, Cheno Connor, Mr. Clean, Tommy B. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "America's Next Top Bald Person | Bit City"?

The episode runs 40 min; the transcript is about 6,692 words in 205 timestamped sections.

More from Smosh

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.