Can I Get Sober When My Husband Is an Alcoholic?

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on the challenges faced by individuals trying to achieve sobriety while living with a partner who is not supportive of their decision, specifically addressing the speaker's struggle with alcohol dependence and her desire for a healthier life amidst a partner's alcoholism. Key points include the realization of personal worth, the difficulty of achieving sobriety in an unsupportive environment, and the importance of seeking external help, such as therapy, for sustainable recovery.

Key takeaways

• Sobriety: Often a solo journey when your partner prefers the status quo—love can't be the only anchor.
• White-knuckling sobriety can lead you back—it's like trying to swim upstream without training.
• Step zero: Tossing out alcohol is just a pre-game for the real battles brewing beneath the surface.
• Facing your spouse isn't about blame; it's a plea for support in a storm of self-doubt.
• When you're drowning in relations with alcohol, sometimes the first step is admitting the water is too deep.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dr. John Delony (Host) · 8 min speaking
• Destiny (Guest) · 4 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Better Help, Destiny, AA, Meeting
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Homeostasis
3. 6:00 – 9:00: AA, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Support, Recovery Groups
4. 9:00 – 11:59: Meeting, Destiny

Notable quotes from "Can I Get Sober When My Husband Is an Alcoholic?"

• Tell me about your sobriety journey.

  about Destiny · at 0:19

• Can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about…

  about Better Help · at 1:26

• Relationship as it is and do this other thing, the homeostasis of the relationship that I said that in a dorky way, the gravitational pull of the way things just are is going to win the day every time.

  about Homeostasis · at 4:15

• Sober? you a fully commit this is a path I'm going to take and b you've got to get some support around you which is why I'm a fan of aa why I'm a fan of recovery groups while…

  about Support · at 8:10

• And so I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. You going to go to the stupid meetings every day? Yes, I am. At least for the first 90 days, I am.

  about Meeting · at 9:06

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Destiny — Person · Caller / advice-seeker · 2 mentions · first at 0:19
  Destiny is the person seeking help to stop drinking while living with a husband who continues to drink. Her situation anchors the episode’s guidance around meetings, support systems, and changing environments.

Companies & orgs

• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) — Company · Referenced recovery organization · 1 mention · first at 8:22
  Alcoholics Anonymous is recommended as a structured support system that begins with admitting powerlessness and provides steps, meetings, and sponsorship. It is contrasted with 'white knuckling' as a more reliable path to sobriety.
  And they're going to tell you step one is, well, not step one, there's 12 steps, but they're going to tell you got to get rid of all the alcohol. And you're going to have to change.
• Better Help — Company · Advertised company / recommended service · 2 mentions · first at 1:22
  BetterHelp appears in an ad segment as an accessible way to start therapy online. It is recommended as a route to additional help beyond what the host can provide in short-form advice.

Concepts & topics

• Meeting — Concept · Action step / recovery practice · 3 mentions · first at 2:36
  Meetings are presented as the immediate, concrete next step (daily for 90 days) to replace isolation and willpower-only attempts. They are positioned as the gateway to a roadmap, sponsor, and community support.
• AA — Concept · Core framework referenced · 2 mentions · first at 1:00
  AA is used as shorthand for the 12-step approach: admitting powerlessness, attending meetings, getting a sponsor, and changing environments. It functions as the episode’s primary recovery model.
  Well, that's step that's that's right at the top of AA, right? I'm powerless.
• Support — Concept · Core need / enabling condition · 2 mentions · first at 1:28
  Support is framed as essential to sustain sobriety, especially when alcohol is present at home and the spouse is not aligned. The host emphasizes community (AA/recovery groups) and professional help (therapy).
• Homeostasis — Concept · Explanatory concept for relationship dynamics · 1 mention · first at 4:21
  Homeostasis is used to explain how entrenched relationship patterns ('gravitational pull') can overpower early sobriety efforts. It supports the argument that preserving the status quo while changing drinking behavior is unlikely to work.
• Recovery Groups — Concept · Support mechanism · 1 mention · first at 8:20
  Recovery groups are recommended as a way to avoid isolation and replace alcohol’s coping function with community and structure. They are presented as necessary because willpower alone is expected to fail.
  Sober? you a fully commit this is a path I'm going to take and b you've got to get some support around you which is why I'm a fan of aa why I'm a fan of recovery groups while…

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 I'm struggling with staying sober when there's alcohol around me constantly because my husband has no interest in getting sober or being sober.

0:19 Tell me about your sobriety journey. How'd you get here? Um it start we started well when we met we uh bonded over drinking and then um as the years gone on it's just gotten heavier and heavier um and I've been trying to quit for the past uh probably two to three years and I always find myself going back to it falling like I have feel like I have no willpower when it comes down to the end of the day.

0:52 Well, I mean, that's step that's that's right at the top of AA, right? I'm powerless.

1:00 Yeah. I haven't actually attended any AA or anything like that, but So, how are you trying to get us sober? Just white knuckling the crap out of it,

1:07 basically. Yeah. All right. I'm going to tell you, you're you're going to fall over every time trying to do that.

1:16 Yeah. Are you really ready to get sober or are you just tired of being drunk? This is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living. And yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try BetterHelp. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists, and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month.

1:52 Are you really ready to get sober or are you just tired of being drunk? I'm ready to be sober.

1:58 Okay. And I'm asking you that question because then when it comes to a spouse who has no interest in in helping his wife get healthy and whole, you're going to have some real hard choices to make. But the first choice is I really want to get sober because I'm worth feeling loved and alive in my own body. Yeah, it's taken some time to get to that point to where now I just got to figure out how. Okay, tonight you go to your first meeting.

2:43 Okay, and tomorrow morning you get up and go to your meeting again. And here's what you're going to prove to yourself. A, you are indeed powerless. be. Alcohol's been serving a role in your life. It's actually been helping you. And we got to get to the true thing your body's trying to to navigate. And it might be an unsafe husband. And three, you're going to prove to yourself, I'm serious about this this time.

3:22 Yeah. I always tell myself I'm serious. And then I know. I know. I know. I think you really want to want to do this.

3:30 Yeah. I've never in my life that's that's not true. Maybe a couple of times, but almost never have I met somebody who really struggles with alcohol who likes the struggle.

3:46 Yeah. So, [snorts] you say, "I want to quit. I want to go get sober." They'll tell you at aa it will it don't underestimate the cost.

4:02 I wonder I think sometimes I wonder what you know the relationship's going to be like

4:08 100% different. And so if you're trying to preserve the relationship as it is and do this other thing, the homeostasis of the relationship that I said that in a dorky way, the the gravitational pull of the way things just are is going to win the day every time. Cuz you're going to have four weeks of sobriety and then your husband's going to yell at you. You're going to have four weeks of sobriety and he's going to come home drunk again pawing at you. Or you're going to have four weeks of just white knuckling it and then you're going to get in trouble at work and your body is going to reach for the only thing it knows to take the pain away. And it's surrounding you in your own house.

4:56 Yeah. So, I mean, I've heard you say like if you're trying to get sober from alcohol, you pour it all out of your house or take it all out of your house.

5:03 That's just step one. That's just That is That's not even step one. And that is step zero.

5:09 Yeah. And then it's brought back in daily even though like I can ask I can say hey you know

5:15 can we do this together or um can you only get the amount that you will drink so I'm not tempted cuz I'm probably not going to go out and get it.

5:24 But if there's not any extra I'm less tempted to do it. And that's that's your story on this side of sobriety. And I I that story makes sense to you and I applaud it because you're trying to hang on to something. You're trying to hang on to a ghost which is a a that we have a good marriage.

5:49 And I think deep down you know that you don't. Yeah. Is that fair? I definitely think things could be better. Yeah, that's fair.

5:59 Okay. Is your husband safe? Yeah, he's safe. Okay. The only other conversation I would challenge you to have with him is not about drinking, but it's about a wife sitting down courageously vulnerable in front of her husband and saying, "I'm feeling myself die and I've got to make some changes in my life. Will you do this with me? will you help me feel safe in our house? And he might say no. And that's different than when you stop drinking.

6:45 Yeah. But you can't even say I miss the old us. I miss you. Because you don't even know the guy. You know 17 beers in guy.

6:56 Yeah. Or maybe you do know guy who's it's 11:00 on a Saturday morning. He hasn't started drinking yet. And that guy's not great.

7:07 Maybe he is. Maybe he's wonderful. Yeah. I mean, he has his days like when, you know, like if he hadn't started drinking yet and we get along and we we're great and we have a good day. Um, and then sometimes he's just when he's not drinking, he's quiet and walled up and we don't talk,

7:29 right? And we're just, you know, and then he'll get a few drinks in and his mood changes. He's happier.

7:36 Yeah. Of course. It's a social lubricant. Yeah. It, like, you said it perfectly, it helps bring the walls down so that we can be the person that we imagine ourselves wanting to be instead of dealing with Why are we having to build walls around oursel anyway?

7:56 Yeah. And that's a hard scary path to take. Why sobriety is hard? But how do you get sober when your husband has no interest in getting sober? you a fully commit this is a path I'm going to take and b you've got to get some support around you which is why I'm a fan of aa why I'm a fan of recovery groups while I'm a fan of other people getting involved because you can't just cut off the thing that's propping you up which is alcohol and you especially can't just disconnect yourself from your husband overnight and expect everything to go smooth Yeah.

8:41 Every demon you every demon you have will come screaming and howling at you in the middle of the night and the middle of the day.

8:52 That makes sense. So the question number one is, do you actually want to get sober this time?

9:00 Yeah. Okay. I deserve it. There you go. My son deserves it. There we go. And so I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. You going to go to the stupid meetings every day? Yes, I am. At least for the first 90 days, I am. You don't need a sponsor. We're not even alcoholics. We don't drink too much. I need some help.

9:28 And they're going to tell you step one is, well, not step one, there's 12 steps, but they're going to tell you you got to get rid of all the alcohol. And you're going to have to change environments. You can't be around people who are doing that. Especially not forever, but especially right now.

9:42 Yeah. I mean, we really only drink at home. Yeah. But is that is that financial?

9:49 We don't actually like we don't go out and party or anything in some way. In some in some ways that makes it worse because if you only drink at parties, you only drink at bars, you still have the safety and security of your home. If you only drink at home, that means those rattlesnakes live there. You get what I'm saying?

10:12 Yeah. Absolutely. If you told me I only do drugs at parties, I would be like, "Sweet. Just don't go to parties."

10:20 But when you're like, "No, I I only I only get myself in trouble. I only become somebody I'm I don't [clears throat] I don't that I need to protect myself from. I only do that at home." That's tough. stuff to change that environment right?

10:34 Yeah. Especially when you're all by yourself, it is possible. It's going to be infinitely harder. But you're on the right track with I deserve this. My son needs a fully present mom, even if she has two or three or four years of stumbling and grinding through. Why was alcohol the only way I could get through my life? Your son desperately needs a plugged in dad who doesn't need three or four drinks to be able to exhale and smile and hug his son. But you can't do that for him. You can only do it for you. So step one, go to a meeting tonight.

11:21 Step two, go to a meeting in the morning and they're going to give you a road map. Sign up for a sponsor as soon as you possibly can. and tell your husband, "I want my home to be a safe place. I'm not going to tell you to stop drinking because I can't. I can't make you do that. But I am telling you, I want this to not be a part of my life anymore. And my prayer is it's not a part of our life. I deserve it. He deserves it. And God help you. Your son deserves it." Today's day one, Destiny. Day one for real. I'm proud of you.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Can I Get Sober When My Husband Is an Alcoholic?"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Destiny (Guest).

What is "Can I Get Sober When My Husband Is an Alcoholic?" about?

The discussion centers on the challenges faced by individuals trying to achieve sobriety while living with a partner who is not supportive of their decision, specifically addressing the speaker's struggle with alcohol dependence and her desire for a healthier life amidst a partner's alcoholism. Key points include the realization of personal worth, the difficulty of achieving sobriety in an…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

8 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Destiny, Meeting, AA, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Support, Homeostasis. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Can I Get Sober When My Husband Is an Alcoholic?"?

The episode runs 12 min; the transcript is about 1,839 words in 37 timestamped sections.

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