Having a Newborn Exposed My Anger Issues

What this episode is about

The discussion revolves around the realization of unresolved anger issues in a new parent, highlighting the importance of addressing these emotions to avoid passing them onto their child. It emphasizes how feelings of powerlessness when unable to comfort a newborn can trigger anger due to underlying control issues, urging self-reflection and emotional growth for the sake of parenting.

Key takeaways

• Recognizing your anger is the first step in breaking the cycle of emotional inheritance.
• Parenting is less about control and more about learning to ride the waves of chaos.
• Being a dad means embracing vulnerability; your worth isn't measured by the mess you can fix.
• Sometimes, 'unplugging' is a family's survival strategy; understanding this can break intergenerational patterns.
• Your son's lottery win starts with you; love and stability over perfection is the new parenting mantra.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dr. John Delony (Host) · 13 min speaking
• Scott (Host) · 5 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Breastfeeding
2. 9:00 – 12:00: Failure Factory
3. 12:00 – 15:00: Failure Factory

Notable quotes from "Having a Newborn Exposed My Anger Issues"

• Place to be cuz I can't I [clears throat] mean I can feed them, but my wife is breastfeeding so she's she's feeding them and I'm just kind of there to be the diaper changer and Yep.

  about Breastfeeding · at 2:30

• And when you walk inside of a failure factory, it makes perfect sense that your body's Dude, we got to numb out here.

  about Failure Factory · at 9:36

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Concepts & topics

• Failure Factory — Concept · Key argument · 3 mentions · first at 9:04
  Metaphor used to describe the feeling of inadequacy and failure in parenting, leading to avoidance behaviors
• Breastfeeding — Concept · Referenced topic · 1 mention · first at 2:32
  Mentioned in the context of discussing roles and feelings of inadequacy in parenting

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 I recently had a newborn within the past uh two months and I'm starting to realize that the anger issues I thought were gone are still um still with me and I really need to get them resolved so I uh don't pass them on to him

0:24 going forward. Dude, I would high five you and hug you if you were here. This is how family trees change, brother. I like you see it and you recognize it and you think, "Not he needs to fix his nine-month old self, but I got some work as a grown man to do." Good on you, brother. That's awesome dude.

0:41 Um, all right. So, under the framework that anger points us to something that we care about that should be a certain way that it's not, what is your anger protecting you from? What is it sensing in the world that isn't as things should be?

0:59 Um, because I don't think anger's a bad thing. No, I I think a lot of it is uh I'm a control freak.

1:07 Ah, there we go. Okay. This is so when I when I can't control somebody else's feelings or like I feel like my son has everything taken care of and I he still is upset and still is unsettled. I get uh I can just feel it in my hands and I clench my jaw that uh I just want it to be I want him to be settled and uh I guess be be taken care of if that [clears throat] makes sense.

1:36 Yeah. And he's two months old. Yeah. Two months. Yeah. He he he has one thing going on through his nervous system, right? By the way, he's he's a nervous system. That's all he is.

1:45 Yeah. You ever had a tooth that you had you had pulled? Yeah, definitely. He's that

1:50 an exposed nerve. That's all he is. And all this nerve wants is mom, food, warmth sleep.

1:57 Yeah, that's it. Okay. And the pro I Dude, you're giving me flashbacks. I have never felt more powerless in my life than when I could not comfort my young son.

2:11 Yeah. And when I feel powerless, I feel shamed. I feel like a loser. I feel like a total bum. H

2:20 what kind of loser can't comfort his screaming crying two-month old, six-month old, ninemonth-old?

2:28 Yeah, it's a it's a definitely a tough place to be cuz I I can't I [clears throat] mean I can feed them, but my wife is breastfeeding so she's she's feeding them and I I'm just kind of there to

2:39 be the diaper changer and Yep. hurt man. And that's about all I can offer unfortunately.

2:44 All right. So, I'm going to be a um a buddy at the bar for a second and go, "Yep, that's it for [clears throat and laughter] a long time." Okay. But also, that's not helpful. So, let me ask you,

2:56 where in your life have you been told you were not enough? H [clears throat] God I

3:07 My guess is for a long time. Yeah. I I tend to be a people pleaser. How come? When was the first time you realized not that I am a people pleaser, but I have to be one?

3:25 That's tough. Um, which one of your parents, if not both of them, would were you responsible for making sure they didn't get mad? [snorts]

3:38 He was uh pretty emotionally unavailable. your dad. Yeah, my dad. Okay. And so how did how did you get his attention? [sighs and gasps]

3:56 I guess I don't know. I I didn't really ever get his attention if that's what you're asking. He was

4:03 not really around. He worked a lot and and when he was home, he was in his own world, I guess. Mhm.

4:13 And I don't know, I was kind of I'm the youngest of four, so I was kind of left to my own devices.

4:19 Yep. But and so the way you reassured your tiny little nervous system that you were safe, was either I'm going to be unnoticed, that's the safest place for me, or I'm going to go get straight A's, or I'm going to fold everything exactly perfectly. Yeah.

4:44 And all all I'm looking for is a scrap of emotional connection. Maybe it's the eyebrow raise. Maybe it's a pat on the head. Maybe it's the Oh, good. Or maybe it's the ah you didn't screw that up.

5:03 No. And that type of you learned at a really young age, your emotions don't matter. Shut them down.

5:17 Yeah. I'm learning as a 30-year-old man that I actually do have emotions and feelings.

5:22 That's right. And I kind of And they come out in a like shaking up a 2 L bottle.

5:29 Yeah. They come out enraged for a two-month-old [snorts and clears throat] because you're getting you're getting your self story reconfirmed that I can't even do this one right. I couldn't get it with my dad and now I'm doing it again.

5:50 Yeah. in in a strange in a strange this is going to sound like weird and if you and I had a couple of hours together um I would dig into this more but there's two stories you can tell about your dad. One is he felt that same level of anger and rage and the greatest gift he knew to give you guys was to unplug.

6:13 Yeah. Because he didn't want to pass it on. And there's a weird there's a weird type of compassion I would have for somebody that would open his tool kit and there's literally no tools there and so he just unplugged the machine to keep it from burning down. What a lonely, scary, frustrating place for our dads, right? And the challenge for you like the change your family tree is how can I and this is going to sound crazy. How can I grow to believe that my son won the lottery with me as his dad. Not by what I can do in this particular moment, but because there's a roof over his head. Because I love his mother recklessly.

7:08 because I know that right now he doesn't even have a cognitive thought in his mind. And I'm going to honor and and you you may have heard me talk to another caller. Protecting and providing right now is I'm going to provide space for this little bundle of nerves and his mom to have a really special time together.

7:32 Yeah. What a gift I can give them. And that's where I'm going to find purpose and value right now. Or let me put it this way. If you don't think you're worth much, you're not going to find worth out there.

7:52 Yeah. How how do I um I guess find worth around the house? cuz I I tend to um overwork myself at work and then come home and I guess do the same thing he did is just kind of um unplug and um just kind of be alone or sit on my phone too much.

8:20 How do I try to balance going from just diving into work and then doing the same thing? It does.

8:27 It's completely throwing away wading up and throwing away the word balance. Okay. [clears throat]

8:34 It It's a It's a It's a fantasy. It's not real. Yeah. And the trap I fell into and as I've traveled the country, I I do most of my public speaking with businesses and most of my behind closed doors stuff with business leaders. Um men, the baby comes home the first time and they realize or they tell themselves a story. I'm useless here. I don't know how to do the diapers right. I don't get the bottle just the right temperature. I don't know what I'm doing here.

9:04 Yeah. And so home becomes a failure factory. And good men and and and you can drink it away. You can internet pornography it away. You can start like texting a co-orker on the side. You can do that. Most of the men I talk to, they do the one thing they know they can do that makes them feel like they're helping the family, which is go work more. I'm no good here. I'll go there where I can make some more money and I can at least contribute that way.

9:36 Yeah. And when you walk inside of a failure factory, it makes perfect sense that your body's like, "Dude, we got to numb out here." And in the past, that was a bunch of beers. Now it's just these stupid phones that we have. We It's a portal to another world. We can just sit in our own couch and escape to another planet.

9:57 Yeah. The problem is our kids register that nervous system detachment the same as with alcohol. There's a body right here, but they're not here.

10:07 Right. Yeah. And so the challenge is the the the the next right masculine move, if you will, is I feel useless. My body's given me a signal that this how I'm a failure here. And intellectually I know this is not true. So I'm going to go do the next right thing. And for me, that is leaving my social media phone in the car because I can't control it. For me, it's asking my wife, I need a list of things to be that I can help you with in this home.

10:52 Yeah. Okay. And I want to be picking up my infant son and comforting him and I want that smile. What? That's not here yet. It will come. And bro, it will come in like a tsunami. It will be the greatest thing ever. And that will come with its own set of challenges.

11:07 Yeah. Because you're gonna want like you've got pictures of y'all playing baseball together or whatever or drawing together, whatever. And your kids going to have exactly opposite things, right? It's just part of

11:16 Definitely. Um but powerful displays of masculine strength in your situation might be washing all the dishes and make sure those bottles are completely clean and ready to rock and roll. Okay.

11:32 I don't know what that means. It's it's you sitting down with your wife saying, "I want to feel like I have a purpose here and I'm out of my depths. I never babysat as a kid. I never changed a diaper as a kid. This is all new to me. And so, I'm going to ask you to give me a road map for the best way I can love you right now in the next for the next 30 days. By the way, in month three, you're going to have a totally new kid. Month six, you'll have a radically new kid."

11:59 Yeah. It changes so fast. And so you and your wife are going to turn in, it's going to become one of your favorite games, which is not games, but favorite get to know you is how can I love you right now? How can I love you right now?

12:13 And just asking that every day. How can I love you right now? How can I love you right now? And and there's going to be bigger pictures. And this is very unholy. Everything about Hollywood says you should just magically know. and she might feel like, "Oh, now I'm a mother of two two men, a little two little boys. My husband doesn't even know what to do." Hopefully, she has deep compassion and she says, "Man, I got a guy stepping up here."

12:40 Yeah. He doesn't even know all the stuff. And that's my hope that she'll treat you like that.

12:50 I think she will. I think so. I'm confident she will. But your anger, brother, is not wrong. Okay.

12:58 It's the next, right? Are you going to numb it out? No, definitely not. Do you have a group of guys you can go meet with and hang out with once a week?

13:05 Are you regularly engaged in the failure factory, which is super frustrating? Yeah. I I'll have to I have a group of guys I can talk to, but I'll have to get them together more often.

13:18 It just becomes an intentionality. Yeah. And bro, I have it wired into me. The nights my wife went back, she taught night. She was graduate teaching graduate school. She'd teach at night and it was three hours of total hell. I could not make my son stop screaming.

13:36 And I felt like such a failure, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. Definitely tough. And now I realize I wasn't I was there. I kept showing up and you kept showing up and you keep showing up and you don't do it right and you learn it's seeing those numbing devices whether it's your phone whether it's pornography whether it's whatever and you're saying I'm going to stay in this discomfort because it's only a season at this point it's [clears throat] just showing up is the uh the best um plan of attack

14:17 but showing up with a plan not just showing up because you're going to feel that that you'll feel like a bump on a log and that will just perpetuate.

14:26 Showing up for the plan makes sense. And and being honest about like at work, people come to you for the plan. What do we do next? And you're like, I got this. Walking into this season and saying, I don't know what the next right move is. Can we co-create a plan for the next 30 days? And then putting it on the calendar for January. Can we can we co-create a plan here? Putting one on the calendar for February. Can we co-create a plan here? Oh, that sounds good. Thank you. I appreciate it.

14:57 Do me a favor, would you? Yeah. I want you to write two letters. Okay. Okay. I want you to write one letter to seven-year-old you. And I want you to close your eyes and go to the end of your driveway and picture your dad, whatever car he was driving back then. Picture him leaving again. I want you to go through that exercise of watching your your little seven-year-old self run to the end of the driveway as he's pulling out and driving off, not even waving to you. I want you to write that little boy a letter that starts with, "Dear Scott, you're a good kid."

15:45 Okay. And then the second letter is not in the same day, but maybe a week or two later, I want you to write a letter to your seven-year-old son and let him know that this generational avoidance, this generational anger ends here. [snorts]

16:07 Yeah. And here's the things I'm going to do. I'm going to go see a counselor. I'm going to check in with your mom every day because I'm going to love her crazy like. And I don't even have a picture of what that looks like cuz my dad just left. But the greatest gift I can give my son is to love his mother to the moon and back. Watch this. Okay.

16:32 And then be about it. Yeah, definitely. Game on. Game on. You're a good dad, my brother.

16:39 Thank you. I appreciate it. This is how the generations are going to change, my man.

16:45 Yeah. Right here. It's an honor to talk to you, man. You call me back anytime. God almighty, I love talking to dads who want to get this thing right. Men listening to this, go to the mirror this evening when you're all by yourself and look in the mirror. put both hands on the c on your bathroom counter and look in the mirror directly in your own eyes and say the words. I love this guy. And starting today, we're going to do the next right hard thing. And it might be getting down off the video game controllers. It might be asking our wives, "How can I love you right now?" It might be [clears throat] sitting down with our teenage kids and saying, "Hey, I've screwed this up. I'm sorry. This changes with me." It might be any number of things.

17:33 But it starts with you recognizing that dad didn't show up because there was something going on with him, not you. That mom was ugly and rude and drank too much, not because of you weren't a good enough kid. And not by your hand, but in your lap. Now, as an adult, I don't care what your attachment style is. I don't care what your enagram number is. I don't care about any of that crap. What are you going to do next?

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Having a Newborn Exposed My Anger Issues"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Scott (Host).

What is "Having a Newborn Exposed My Anger Issues" about?

The discussion revolves around the realization of unresolved anger issues in a new parent, highlighting the importance of addressing these emotions to avoid passing them onto their child. It emphasizes how feelings of powerlessness when unable to comfort a newborn can trigger anger due to underlying control issues, urging self-reflection and emotional growth for the sake of parenting.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

2 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Failure Factory, Breastfeeding. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Having a Newborn Exposed My Anger Issues"?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 2,935 words in 60 timestamped sections.

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