How Do I Set Boundaries With My Extended Family?

What this episode is about

The discussion focuses on the challenges of setting boundaries with extended family during familial obligations, particularly when these obligations conflict with personal values and comfort. Key points include navigating feelings of guilt and judgment from family, the potential need to prioritize personal integrity over attendance at family events, and making choices between participating in toxic environments or being labeled as the troublemaker.

Key takeaways

• Navigating familial guilt? Remember: your values aren't up for vote—stand firm.
• Social media glamorizes authenticity, but real-life boundaries often come at a cost. Choose wisely.
• Grieving the family you wish you had? It’s a sign of growth, not weakness.
• You can love your family, but you don't have to endure their toxic behavior every holiday.
• Boundaries are like fences: they keep the good in and the harmful out. Build wisely!

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together
2. 12:00 – 13:44: Together

Notable quotes from "How Do I Set Boundaries With My Extended Family?"

• If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected,.

  about Together · at 13:22

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at 0:03
  The app is promoted as a tool to help build better marriages, mentioned at the beginning and end of the episode.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. How do you set boundaries um around family and familial obligations when those obligations feel like self-abandonment?

0:14 That sounds like some internet gobbleygook. What does that mean? What does what does uh what does obligations and self-abandonment, how do those work together?

0:27 Well, um you know, just I guess to provide a little bit of of context to the situation. You know, I just moved back to my hometown two years ago and you know with the holidays coming up and everything and now that I'm here, you know, I'm expected to attend, you know, these family events. Um but you know, just to be quite frank with you, um you know, I don't really enjoy being around my extended family. And the reason for that is, you know, um the way they talk about people, their behavior, you know, just just to be, you know, put it out there, you know, they use slurs. They they they say things that are just that make me very uncomfortable. And I'm just kind of expected to let them be as they are and and not cause anything because if I say something, I'm labeled the troublemaker. I'm too sensitive. I I'm trying to start things. And um but you know, attending these events, I just feel like not having to be around this

1:26 behavior is not me being true to like my values and the things that I think are right.

1:32 Okay. You use the word value, so I'm going to jump in here. Okay. Mhm. Sounds like you have two options. A not go or B be willing to be labeled a troublemaker. Right.

1:50 And I think any other energy you expend on anything other than those two options is a waste of energy.

1:59 Right. You know I the the conversation of me not going obviously come up because I have you know I've said that but see then I get guilt trips. You know the guilt gets weaponized by my family as if like

2:15 they don't get a vote. You don't. You all have different values. I just um you want to be fully you and you want them to be different. You can only impact one of those one side of that equation. And one of the things I think social media has lied to us about is that being fully you always always comes at a cost. And the way social media is designed is it circles the wagons with a million different realities for slivers niche beliefs, operating systems, values. And we think that we can be fully ourselves, comment on things, watch things, scroll things, get enraged by things, and it doesn't have a cost in social media world,

3:21 right? This is a real world where you have racist family members. You know, I've since I've been here the past couple years, I've I've been to a few things and, you know, I haven't I've I've kept my mouth shut. I've just walked away from the situation, but that has made me feel like I'm not standing up for what I think is right. And, you know, I don't want to cause some big blowout. I don't want my, you know, I don't want there to be some big rift. But you don't get a choice on that because they can blow up if they want to and they can rift with you if they want to.

4:05 They're adults in America. They can make that choice. You can only control you. I guess the um I mean I mean you're absolutely right. I just I guess the I mean I don't want there to be a follow-up question, but it's just like I just I don't want this to be something I have to argue every year. You know, every time there's something that comes up, it's going to be so you're just not going to attend this year. So you're just, you know, how to continually deal with that, you know, with if I stand firm on, you know, I'm not going to attend just because I don't want to be around these individuals, you know, it's just I feel like every single time it's always going to be then, you know, I I've listened to your show plenty of times and you say, you know, people will will do everything they can to try to break that boundary and see if it holds. And I wanted to because it's who I am, you know? I want

5:07 to stay true to who I am, but at the same time, it's like I haven't even seen my family in so long. It would be nice if I could go and enjoy, you know, it. And it's like grieving.

5:20 There it is. The family that I wish I had. That's it. That's it. Grieving the family I wish I had. There it is. Because you wish you had a family that loved other people well. And you wish you had a family that they could even have their own beliefs, but that honored yours.

5:48 No, I'm not even asking them to. I mean, I wish they would change, but I'm not even asking that. I just I like, can you not use that language around me? Can you not speak like that when I'm around? And I get it gets laughed. it gets, oh, you know, Jessica's too sensitive or Marie's too sensitive. Um, you're too, you know, and I don't feel like I get the same respect that I'm being asked to. You don't. You don't. You don't. You don't. And I'll [clears throat] sit here with you cuz I wish you had a different family that honored you and other people too.

6:43 Exhale on that. You're still holding your breath. Exhale on that. This stinks, man. It sucks. It's the worst.

6:57 And so I think the question the question before you is what are you going to do next? And you can't do life alone.

7:05 And now you're going to find yourself one of those statistics that doesn't go to family events because people are ugly and don't honor and respect you. I've got family members who believe dramatically different about things than I do. And some of them to their highest credit love me more than being right or feeling powerful and we hang out and others don't and so I don't go. Does that make me sad? Of course it does. And then I have a weird responsibility knowing I can't do life by myself is I've got to get other people in my life to be around.

7:49 And it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I just I want to love them where they are. tonight.

8:04 You can, but that doesn't mean you have to put your hand back in the fire every single year.

8:11 Yeah. So, I can love you. I can love you with all my heart. And if you need something, I'll be there. But, um, as for me and mine, we're not going to be around this kind of garbage, this kind of dehumanization, this kind of ugliness. We're just not. And so, I have the responsibility to not just sit at home on Christmas by myself. Right.

8:47 And so I'm going to go find some people to do it with and I'll be sad. I might even cry the first time, the second time. I heard one guy, he's a pretty famous guy. I won't put him on blast here, but we were behind closed doors. And he said, "The only thing I hate worse than fighting is going to bed at night knowing you didn't tell the truth today."

9:17 And that resonated with me. Yeah. And I just have developed a personal belief that I only speak if someone can hear me. And if I've said, "Hey, I don't think this is appropriate. I don't think this is kind. I I think this is ugly. And I don't want to be around this kind of garbage talk." And people are like, then cool, man. I'm going to brush my shoulders off and go on to the next. And I'm going to be sad the whole way. But being your full self always comes at a cost. And if if if your your extended family was annoying, I would probably tell you to get over it. If they were whatever, you know, just morons or goofballs or,

10:02 you know, told jokes that you wish they didn't tell the dinner table, I would say, "It's your family. Get over it."

10:08 But these people violate your values. Yeah. They say horrible things about other people and then they blame you for having a conscience.

10:17 They frame it that way, too. As if they're, "Oh, that's just a joke or that's just how so and so is. Just ignore him." And I'm like, I just, you know, like I said, like for me, ignoring that is me saying it's okay. And that's just how I feel personally. And I don't even

10:35 Well, challenge yourself and see if your feelings are right. If there's two idiots and there's 50 people there, then I'm I won't connect with the two idiots.

10:46 Right. Right. Right. But if there's 48 other people that I love and care about and that believe differently than me, but they are kind and respectful, I'll show up.

10:57 And when somebody walks up, I'll walk away. I'm not going to cash in my character, my dignity, and respect of other people. Um, [clears throat] but if there's 20 of them and there's 30 people at the event, yeah, I'm not going to go. I'll stay at home. It's that scary thing of like you said it perfectly. I don't I can't even improve on what you said. I got to grieve the family I wish I had and I wish people would be have my back. Even if they disagree with me, I wish they'd have my back. But behavior is a language and what they're saying is I don't want you here.

11:33 You're to this or you're to that. And so if you feel like you are being a person who lacks integrity by being around these folks, then the call is I got to find other people to be around. If you feel like it's too much, but you know what? I'm challenging my feelings. They're annoying, but I'm going to go and I'm still who I am. And in fact, I'm going to go there and love super well. And over time, that's going to change them. Maybe. Maybe. But I think you got to grieve the family that you thought you had. I want you to write a letter to the worst one. Do not send the letter, but I want you to write a letter to the worst one and get all this garbage out of your body onto a piece of paper. Get it out.

12:24 Dear soando, I hate when you talk bad about other people. Makes me sick. Get it out of your body. Look at it. And then ask yourself, are these feelings true? And if so, I got some hard grieving to do and some hard work to do. And if the feelings are a little bit heavy, but I'm going to go and I'm just going to avoid these two three people. I'll walk away. Then go enjoy yourself. Have a good time. But just remember, the only person you can change is you. The only person you can control is you. And any energy spent trying to control or change other people is just feudal. It's a waste of doing the next right thing.

13:16 I hate this for you, Marie, but I trust you to make the next right move. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "How Do I Set Boundaries With My Extended Family?" about?

The discussion focuses on the challenges of setting boundaries with extended family during familial obligations, particularly when these obligations conflict with personal values and comfort. Key points include navigating feelings of guilt and judgment from family, the potential need to prioritize personal integrity over attendance at family events, and making choices between participating in…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "How Do I Set Boundaries With My Extended Family?"?

The episode runs 14 min; the transcript is about 2,088 words in 30 timestamped sections.

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