How Do I Talk to My Teen Daughter About Her Weight?

What this episode is about

Navigating conversations about weight and self-esteem with a teenage daughter can be challenging for parents, especially when concerns arise from changes during puberty. The speaker expresses their desire to support their 14-year-old daughter, who has gained weight and struggles with self-worth, while fearing that their approach may either be too intrusive or insufficient, leading to long-term negative consequences.

Key takeaways

• Navigating teen self-image? Support their voice, not just their waistline—listen, connect, love.
• Stretch marks tell a growth story; acknowledge them, don’t mask them. Reality trumps platitudes every time.
• Teenagers test love through insecurities—validate feelings, not just appearances. Love speaks louder than body weight.
• Empower through choice: ask how you can help instead of prescribing solutions. They may crave hugs, not diets.
• In a world of filters, authenticity wins. Encourage confidence by owning your own body quirks—show them it's okay.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dr. John Delony (Host) · 11 min speaking
• Anonymous Caller (Guest) · 7 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: puberty, Delete Me, stretch marks, eating disorder
2. 3:00 – 6:00: stretch marks, love, connection
3. 6:00 – 9:00: love, eating disorder, healthy living
4. 9:00 – 12:00: love, puberty, stretch marks, healthy living
5. 12:00 – 15:00: love, connection, puberty, Gottmans
6. 15:00 – 17:53: connection, stretch marks

Notable quotes from "How Do I Talk to My Teen Daughter About Her Weight?"

• 14-year-old daughter who from the time she was little has was, always been average to slim and then she hit puberty and wasn't anymore like it. So for the past three years…

  about puberty · at 0:08

• Yeah, she hit puberty and just went from being slim and she just gained weight and quickly like stretch marks. And I would like ask does it bother you? Do you want help? No. No.

  about stretch marks · at 0:59

• About getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing…

  about Delete Me · at 1:47

• The second thing piece of this that I always hang on to tightly is those are questions of do you still love me?

  about love · at 4:57

• Right, but what we're doing here is we are entering into I'm with you. Not because you have a thing wrong with you and I could see that it's wrong and man I've got some money right now. I can fix it for you. And more the question that's.

  about connection · at 5:54

• Well, and let me ask you this. you've probably heard this saying, more is caught than taught. What does healthy living look like with you and your I'm Are you married?

  about healthy living · at 7:19

• In little rarely in these big blowups it's usually little what the like the Gottmans in terms of marriage we'll call them bids little tiny bids for am I still okay here am I still okay here and so I hate these stretch Mark's mom.

  about Gottmans · at 14:13

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Concepts & topics

• love — Concept · Core topic · 5 mentions · first at 5:02
  The host frames the daughter's body concerns as bids for reassurance of love rather than requests to be fixed. Love is positioned as the stable anchor that protects against shame and disordered eating.
• connection — Concept · Core topic · 3 mentions · first at 5:56
  The host emphasizes relational connection (hugs, presence, weekly coffee/breakfast) as the primary intervention, more important than weight-loss plans.
• stretch marks — Concept · Trigger example / Core topic · 6 mentions · first at 1:05
  Stretch marks are the concrete body-change marker that initiates the parent-teen conversation and illustrates how parental reactions can create or reduce shame.
• puberty — Concept · Contextual driver · 4 mentions · first at 0:15
  Puberty is presented as the primary cause of rapid body changes (weight gain, stretch marks, growth spurts) and emotional amplification, shaping how parents should interpret and respond.
• eating disorder — Concept · Risk / Cautionary topic · 2 mentions · first at 0:44
  The caller fears that mishandling weight/body conversations could contribute to an eating disorder; the host also discloses personal history with disordered eating to underscore the stakes.
  Say, how come you didn't help me more or you helped me too much and now I have an eating disorder and I just don't know how to help her. M. So, so how old is she? She's 14 now. So, she's gained a.
• healthy living — Concept · Supporting topic · 2 mentions · first at 7:23
  Healthy living is discussed as something modeled ('more is caught than taught') rather than imposed as a corrective plan; the host warns against moralizing food/exercise.
• Gottmans — Concept · Referenced framework/expert concept · 1 mention · first at 14:19
  The host references the Gottmans' idea of 'bids' to explain how teens make small requests for reassurance of safety and love.

Sponsors

• Delete Me — Company · Sponsor/advertised company · 2 mentions · first at 1:52
  A mid-episode ad read promotes Delete Me as a privacy service removing personal data from brokers; it is unrelated to the parenting topic but present in the transcript.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 So, I have a beautiful, amazing 14-year-old daughter who from the time she was little has was, you know, always been average to slim and then she hit puberty and wasn't anymore like it. So for the past three years, I've just tried to lovingly support her, but I can just feel it like every time I try, it doesn't go very well, I don't feel like. So I backed off and I just don't want I feel like in 10 years from now, she's either going to say, you know, how come you didn't help me more or you helped me too much and now I have an eating disorder and I just don't know how to how to help her. M. So, so how old is she? She's 14 now. So, she's gained a lot of weight all of the sudden.

0:58 Yeah. I would say the last 3 years, yeah, she hit puberty and just went from being slim and she just gained weight and quickly like um stretch marks. And I would like ask like, you know, does it bother you? Do you want help? No. No. And and I just can't believe that's true. I feel like she already struggles um with like self-worth stuff and like on top like school is a struggle, making friends is struggling like and then this on top of it. And I just I don't want to push too hard. I don't want to not help. I don't cuz I know she's beautiful, but I just want her to feel like that.

1:42 makes you feel like she doesn't think she is. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets collected, sold, and shared by data brokers. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it taken down. Start this year fresh with fewer distractions and more peace. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off your annual plan.

2:19 What makes you feel like she doesn't think she is other than you pointing out specific things?

2:26 I just feel like she's always down on herself. She's just always kind of had that glass half empty. And I don't feel like she feels confident. And she'll she'll make comments. I don't like the way I look in this. I don't like So I know that that, you know, and I always tell her she's beautiful, but I just don't know how to make her feel it.

2:50 Well, a you can't make her feel anything. That's fair. You can root yourself so deep into your own self-securedness that she feels loved. Okay.

3:04 And seen and known. But I if if kids grow up real fast sometimes, like they shoot up.

3:14 Yeah. Like at different paces. And kids get stretch marks. And I grew what, seven inches in seventh grade. I still have that. Like it it's it's a part of my life,

3:24 right? I can tell you if my mom or my dad had been like, "Whoa, does that bother you?" That would have been when it started bothering me. You get what I'm saying?

3:33 Yes. But she would make com like and she does make comments. She's like, "I hate these stretch marks." And so I try to just like, you know, I'm like, "Do you want help with your weight?" Cuz like I know like and it maybe [clears throat] comes from me. I like I listen like my sisters really struggled with the way my parents helped them. I didn't personally struggle a lot. Like I've always had to watch what I eat and whatever. it and I don't want that cuz

3:57 but let me ask that I don't want it to ruin my relationship. Do you have a house where everybody's been on a diet for a long time?

4:04 No. Okay. So I right, wrong, or indifferent when a teenager, especially a young teenager and especially a young girl teenager put something on the table like um I don't like X about me. I don't like I got too big of a forehead or I don't like my skin or my hair is too stringy or whatever.

4:29 Okay. A if you lie to them, they know it and they lose your trust. And so if you have a kid with a ginormous forehead and you go, "No, you don't. No, you don't." They are the the meta there is I can't trust that person.

4:52 Okay. And the second thing piece of this that I always hang on to tightly is those are questions of do you still love me? Not can you fix this? You get what I'm saying?

5:13 Okay. So if you have if your daughter comes in and says I've got these stretch marks and I hate them. You can say yesesh. Yeah. Do you want to help with that or get over here? Let me hug you.

5:28 Okay. Yeah. And if she asks, "Gh, I wish there was something we could do, maybe the question is, as you as you get older and your body settles into itself, I'm always here for you."

5:44 Yeah. Or maybe you say, "Gh, have you seen my toes? They've driven me crazy since I was a kid." Right. because they're my my third and fourth tour webbed or what I'm making something up here. But

5:54 right, but what what what we're doing here is we are entering into I'm with you. Not because you have a thing wrong with you and I could see that it's wrong and man I've got some money right now. I can fix it for you. And more the question that's being asked really is do you still love me and have you felt this too?

6:15 Okay. So like when she does like so she's come to me and you know after a while was like okay I do want help. So I kind of like tried like hey let's be more active like what can you do after school or whatever and then she just kind of doesn't do those things anymore and I'm like okay should I make her should I push it or just

6:35 I I would ask the question to my 13-year-old or 14year-old tell me what help looks like.

6:44 Okay. teach me about the help that you would like. And you allow them to begin to unpack or actually the help I need is just more hugs.

6:58 Okay. Yeah. Or actually the help I need is will you still tell me I'm beautiful when I don't think I am. And I think for fixers like you, like me, we jump to, all right, here's a nutrition plan and here's a here's a whatever,

7:15 right? That's what I want to do, but it doesn't seem like maybe that's what she wants.

7:19 Well, and and let me ask you this. Um, you you've probably heard this saying, more is caught than taught. What does healthy living look like with you and your and your I'm Are you married?

7:30 Yes. Okay. What does what does healthy living look like with you and your spouse? So, both of us, like my husband's an avid, like he works out every morning. He's very disciplined in that way. Mine looks a little different. Mine's more physical therapy cuz I don't walk well. I've got my own. But, and we do and like we always have healthy options, have good meals, but we enjoy stuff, too. Like, I would say it's pretty average.

7:56 Okay. Is there any part of your husband's crushing and killing it discipline that rubs off on her as failure? He is like he does bring it up a lot. Not to her but like in his own like oh I shouldn't have been that or oh I need to do better and

8:14 well just just know that kids metabolize those type of sentiments and their feelings are bigger roller coasters and their emotions at that age are so amplified.

8:27 Yes. That Yeah. It gets it can get internalized in a really profound way. And I'm not even trying to shame your husband. He's probably trying to help.

8:36 Yes. And I I really think he is. But I I I will tell you as somebody who struggled with disorder eating most of my life, I'm super grateful for when I would say things like, "Gh, I look fat in this shirt that my wife at an early my kids early age would say, stop." A, that's not true. And B, if that's how you really feel, keep that to yourself right now.

9:01 Okay? Yeah, because I don't want a 13-year-old their default setting to am I fat in this shirt,

9:09 right? So, we can make those comments, but we just need to keep them with ourselves and not in front of her or her brothers.

9:17 Well, even deeper than that, if there is a belief that those are true, that air is what your home will breathe.

9:25 Yeah. And so if your husband genuinely thinks, I should not have eaten that because he got up and worked that works out every day and he mostly eats a healthy food all the time and then he had a piece of cheesecake and his first response is I shouldn't have eaten that. Then he's got challenges he needs to deal with.

9:40 Yeah. Cuz that's factually not true. Right. I've had ice cream with some of the fittest people on the planet.

9:50 Right. Yeah. So that in of itself tells me there's that the air that's being breathed in that house. Now that doesn't change the fact that you're watching a 13-year-old girl whose body is changing so fast, so quick.

10:04 Yes. Both internally and externally, and you know this from your childhood, especially girls bodies change in really remarkable, wild ways. She could just as easily grow three more inches and suddenly transform again, right?

10:20 Yeah. Maybe not. But that that all that could happen. I'm way more concerned about a the actions and behaviors and words of the adults in the house.

10:30 Yeah. B that my kid knows they are anchored in love. Period. And I am not going to put my concerns, my personal issues with myself, with my body, with my mind, with my discipline, with my actions. I'm not going to dump it on my child. I'm going to live it out. And you get the difference.

10:52 Yeah. Yep. And so if you look and see, my goodness, if I had those stretch marks, I would be totally super embarrassed about them. A, that doesn't make you crazy or a bad mom.

11:03 Right. Right. That doesn't make you somehow dysfunctional, and B, that's not something you pass along to a 13-year-old girl.

11:14 Okay? Right. And so the [snorts] question I have for you is, what does repair look like? Now, if there are things that you go, "Oh god, I wish I have said it like that." I I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be helpful and I tried to fix something and really what she was asking is, "Do you still love me?" Like, Right.

11:32 Yeah. If you could think of a few things, I would take your daughter out to breakfast, take your daughter out for a walk and say, "I'm trying. I'm I'm trying to love you in real time, and I've messed up a few things, and so can I have a control altdelete on this?" What are you talking about, mom? Okay.

11:49 And be like, "Yeah, I need you to understand from the depths of my being." And by the way, if you can put your hands on both side of her face and stare directly into her spirit through her eyes,

12:02 okay? And say, "You are the beautiful woman. You're turning into a beautiful woman, and I think you're stunning." And when you are uncomfortable, I love you so much, I get uncomfortable. And I need you to know that I love you to the moon and back. And so does your dad. And we both say dumb things sometimes because we have our own insecurities. And if you ever want to know about them, I'm happy to tell you.

12:29 Okay. Okay. Yeah. And then say that I will help you. I'll walk alongside you. I will love you. The any way you need me to show up for you, I will. But I'm gonna default to what I know to be true, which is you are beautiful and you are 13 and your body's gone haywire.

12:49 Right. Has she started her period yet? Oh, yeah. A couple years ago. Okay. How did How did that conversation go with you, too?

12:56 Good. We've always been very open. Cool. And I like had it in her backpack. She had like a little zipper thing. I said, "When this comes, you know, if it happens at school, call me or you have the stuff to take care of it." Yep.

13:08 Perfect. And so that's a great like you can say like hey remember we talked about this and remember we talked about that those things we talked about this thing and the first thing I'm going to go bra shopping like all those things right

13:20 let this be another one of those developmental conversations which is you need to know I've got your back I've got your I am the foundation with which you can anchor into. And then maybe she's 13 so that she's old enough to say, "My parents messed this up with Aunt Judy and Aunt Susan." And they still are complaining about it to this day. I don't want I I I don't want that's not going to come between us.

13:49 So just talking about I guess I've just been scared to like So I've just made like little comments and I've been just scared of it and I just need to just say it. I mean, you just hit it right on the head because teenagers espec little kids especially and teenagers especially especially they enter into am I safe and am I loved and am I still okay in little rarely in these big blowups it's usually little um what the like the Gottmans in in in terms of marriage we'll call them bids little tiny bids for am I still okay here am I still okay here and so I hate these stretch Mark's mom.

14:30 Gh, I hate that you are frustrated with parts of your body. I've been there, too. It's the worst.

14:37 Yeah. Come give me a hug. And then the next question, if it is, more than likely she'll just drop her head in the middle of your chest and you can hold her.

14:47 Yeah. But if [clears throat] she says, "Gh, I wish there was something we could do." You can say, "Well, right now I'm going to hug you cuz I think you're beautiful." And then later on when the emotion of that moment has distilled when you're tucking her tucking her in at night, y'all are grabbing coffee together because starting now y'all are going to start having coffee once a week or or breakfast once a week.

15:07 Yeah. And then you're going to say, "Hey, you said is there something you can do? I want you to tell me about that." And then if she says, "My goodness, I wish there was a surgery. I wish there was a thing." And you could tell her, "Hey, you're going to grow up and you're going to keep growing and these stuff will fade over time. There's parts of my body I wish I could walk. You know, you can be really vulnerable with her. Yeah.

15:28 And then give her a lifeline. When you're 18 and your body's kind of settling into itself, maybe. But right now, you're an amazing 13-year-old girl, and it's just stinks that it's awkward for us.

15:45 Right. Right. Okay. All of that is telling her one major thing, which is I'm right here in this mess with you and I love you. And there's not a thing you can do to where I won't love you and think you're beautiful. And yes, I I have parts of me that I'm not super happy with either. All of us are like that. All of us are like that. And also, I'm not going to lie, be like, I don't see those stretch marks at all. I don't see them cuz that's not true. You do. And I'm not going to also make a face and be like gh right I'm not going to do that. So it's anchoring all the way back and then yeah have a hard conversation with your husband. I am grateful eternally that my wife had that conversation with me multiple times because I was taking my challenges with who I saw in the mirror and I was handing them to my kids and say hey y'all carry this too. And that God help them. That's not their job. It's not

16:43 their job. And I'll tell you, there's been seasons when my son will look a little pudgier and then he grows seven inches the next two weeks, right? And so those concerns I had with kid number one, I'm not going to have those with kid number two because life just like their bodies are just changing so quick and their emotions, all of it. But I just want to say this, thank you for loving your daughter. I want to get this one right. It says a lot about you as a parent. That's awesome. This is a time for connection and vulnerability, not for the right weight loss weight loss program. And when a kid comes to you, a teenager comes to you and says, "Can you help me with X?" The next question should always be, "Talk to me about what help looks like."

17:28 Like if when you say the word help, what does that mean? And let them answer that. Let them give you some clues as to whether they want a workout plan or they want a nutrition plan or they want mom to sit by them on the couch and remind them, "I still love you." They want dad to come in and just be like, "My goodness, 13-year-old daughter, you're so beautiful. I can hardly stand it.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "How Do I Talk to My Teen Daughter About Her Weight?"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Anonymous Caller (Guest).

What is "How Do I Talk to My Teen Daughter About Her Weight?" about?

Navigating conversations about weight and self-esteem with a teenage daughter can be challenging for parents, especially when concerns arise from changes during puberty. The speaker expresses their desire to support their 14-year-old daughter, who has gained weight and struggles with self-worth, while fearing that their approach may either be too intrusive or insufficient, leading to long-term…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

8 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including love, connection, stretch marks, puberty, eating disorder, healthy living. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "How Do I Talk to My Teen Daughter About Her Weight?"?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 3,211 words in 58 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

• All analyzed episodes
• Books mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• People mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Sponsors mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show
• Topics mentioned on The Dr. John Delony Show