How Do I Tell My Family I’m Living a Double Life?

What this episode is about

The main topic revolves around a person's struggle to confront their family about their addiction to alcohol and drugs while seeking to understand the underlying causes of their dependency. It explores the tension between their Christian faith, which offers a path to satisfaction, and the need for scientific insights to combat overindulgence, as well as the emotional complexities resulting from a traumatic life event.

Key takeaways

• Addiction often masks deeper trauma; face the pain instead of pouring a drink to escape it.
• Complexity can delay action; sometimes, it's wise to simplify and focus on immediate change.
• When balance falters, seemingly innocuous habits can spiral into addictions that numb unresolved issues.
• Loving relationships might not shield you from feeling burdensome; therapy can provide a fresh perspective.
• Even devoted faith can't replace the need for mental health support; prioritize seeking help alongside spiritual solace.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Trauma, Addiction, Puerto Rico, Together
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Trauma, Compulsive Behavior, Puerto Rico, sobriety
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Trauma, Emotional Burden, Healing, Puerto Rico
4. 9:00 – 12:00: Healing, Onsite
5. 12:00 – 15:00: Addiction, Healing, Emotional Burden, Puerto Rico
6. 15:00 – 16:54: Together, sobriety, New York City, New York, Broadway Show

Notable quotes from "How Do I Tell My Family I’m Living a Double Life?"

• How do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict? And I'll get more to that. And second, how can I find the root of the addiction and the concept of overindulging and not being.

  about Addiction · at 0:06

• Great down there. I fell. I hit my head and did blunt force trauma to my head. My husband had to do CPR. we had to move back to the United States. I had a pulmonary embolism.…

  about Puerto Rico · at 2:24

• Oh, I started in May and then I stopped right before Christmas. So I've been about 11 days sober.

  about sobriety · at 3:46

• And then now especially leaving Puerto Rico, I feel like it's my fault because if I hadn't fallen and died, then u we would still be there. So, it's I bear a lot of that guilt and burden on myself cuz what I hear is somebody who is.

  about Guilt · at 6:58

• I went to their healing trauma program and then I'm going again to their healing trauma program again next week.

  about Onsite · at 7:50

• So, the scary path for you, and I'm glad you've already signed up for to go to onsite. The scary path for you is putting the crutches down, which is what alcohol and weed are.

  about Healing · at 10:44

• I think them knowing that, hey moms, I've been really struggling since coming back from Puerto Rico. I've been really struggling trying to get my bearings back after a traumatic brain injury.

  about Trauma · at 12:35

• Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

  about Together · at 16:47

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Companies & orgs

• Onsite — Company · Business focus · 3 mentions · first at 7:46
  Mentioned as a place where the caller sought treatment for trauma.

Concepts & topics

• Trauma — Concept · Core topic · 6 mentions · first at 2:28
  Central theme of the episode, discussing the impact of trauma on addiction and behavior.
• Addiction — Concept · Core topic · 3 mentions · first at 0:06
  Discussed as a coping mechanism for trauma and emotional pain.
• Healing — Concept · Strategy · 4 mentions · first at 7:50
  Discussed as a process the caller is undergoing to address trauma and addiction.
• Emotional Burden — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 6:52
  Discussed as a feeling contributing to the caller's addiction and trauma.
  And what that means is you're a person who doesn't believe you have the right to exist emotionally spiritually physically.
• sobriety — Concept · Strategy · 2 mentions · first at 3:48
  Discussed as a goal and current state for the caller.
• Compulsive Behavior — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 4:19
  Discussed as a symptom of the caller's addiction and trauma.
  I mean I'm I'm just trying to make it day by day. as far as being an addict, I say that because it's like it's just fill in the blanket. Shopping, food alcohol what whatever.
• Guilt — Concept · Key argument · 1 mention · first at 7:00
  Discussed as a feeling contributing to the caller's emotional burden.
• Christian Faith — Concept · Key argument · 1 mention · first at 0:19
  Discussed as a belief system that provides the caller with comfort and guidance.
  Concept of overindulging and not being satisfied? And as a background of that, I'm a I'm a Christian. I believe the faith answer that Jesus is the only one that truly satisfies us.

Places & events

• Puerto Rico — Place · Setting · 4 mentions · first at 2:21
  Mentioned as the location where the caller experienced a traumatic event.
• Nashville — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at 7:49
  Mentioned as the location where the caller sought treatment.
  Yeah, I have. I've I've actually I went to on-site down there by Nashville.
• New York City, New York — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at 15:19
  Mentioned as a place the caller visited with her children.
  Than I thought it would be. Okay. I've I've kept super busy. Like right now we're in I took the kids to New York City and we're seeing a Broadway show tonight. First time we've done that.
• Fontana — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at 4:49
  Mentioned as the caller's childhood home.
  Oh, home growing up was I grew up in Montana, normal. parents both married. They've been married like 54 years. my dad was kind of he was he we didn't have a great relationship.
• Broadway Show — Event · Incidental · 1 mention · first at 15:21
  Mentioned as an activity the caller did with her children.
  I've kept super busy. Like right now we're in I took the kids to New York City and we're seeing a Broadway show tonight. First time we've done that.

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 0:03
  Promoted by the host as a paid app to help listeners improve their marriage, with explicit sponsor language and clear calls to action to download via show notes or the app store.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. How do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict? And I'll get more to that. And second, how can I find the root of the addiction and the concept of overindulging and not being satisfied? And um as a background of that, I'm a I'm a Christian. I believe the faith answer that um that Jesus is the only one that truly satisfies us. But I want I want the science nerdy answer of how I can how I can um not overindulge with with everything. And I I can give you I can give you more details after that. I know that's a lot.

0:39 No, it's not at all. I'm really honored that you uh that you called. That means the world to me.

0:45 Um there's a couple of things here that are out of order. Okay. And so it probably is

0:52 what I would what I would I'm going to challenge you with a few things. Is that cool?

0:58 Absolutely. Um, and I want to make a guess. Tell me if I'm wrong or if I'm right. Okay.

1:04 Okay. That you love complexity. Yeah. Okay. Because complexity allows you space

1:21 to not do the next thing. Yes. Okay. Okay. So, I have made it my life as a as a lifelong academic nerd. I've made it my mission to try to dispel with as much complexity as possible. Okay.

1:36 Okay. So, this is not the season for figuring out root causes. Okay. This is the season for stop using.

1:49 Okay. Um, can I go into the Can I go into some of the backstory? Totally. Okay. All right. So, and maybe that will explain some of it. So, I'm 49. I've been married for 27 years. Um, I did drink a lot in college, but I became a Christian. I was sober for 25 years. We've got seven kids. They did not grow up around alcohol at all. Um, recently we had we had a a bit of a traumatic event last year. We um sold everything um and moved to Puerto Rico as missionaries and um everything's going great down there. I fell. I hit my head um and did blunt force trauma to my head. My husband had to do CPR. Um we had to move back to the United States. I had a pulmonary embolism. We had 17 moves in six months. Uh we had to start over with everything. So um I had some post-traumatic stress from that. And so I started I got the brilliant idea that I would drink alcohol to escape and numb out that trauma because it has been

2:51 absolutely overwhelming. Yeah. Everything has been overwhelming. it was my life's dream to to be a missionary and then to have that just taken which I still I mean I'm I'm I talked to everybody anywhere but you know just that was my that was my dream and now it's it's gone and and we came home and I was in the hospital for several days and they thought I was a homeless person and it has just it has been a a disaster and so it's I was looking for anything I possibly could to escape to numb out to lessen that trauma because I found it's very difficult to get mental help when you're not um suicidal and I've never been suicidal and I try came back from Puerto Rico and I tried to get help and it was it was hard. So I recently turned to alcohol.

3:43 How long have you got me through? How long have you started drinking? Oh, I started in May and then I stopped um right before Christmas. So I've been about 11 days sober.

3:51 Okay. And I also um I smoke um marijuana to deal with the post-traumatic stress because that's um I've been to um psychiatrists. I've been to all sorts of medicine and I mean it's just I nightmares and trauma and I mean I'm I'm just trying to make it day by day by day. Um, as far as being an addict, I say that because it's like it's just fill in the blanket. Shopping, food um alcohol what what whatever.

4:26 But like you said, no. Did you have the compulsive behaviors before you fell and hit your head?

4:32 Um, looking back, yes. Okay. I had um I had some I was in pain management for 5 years and became addicted to um painkillers. Y um food has been one in the past. Shopping. I've bought all kinds of things I don't need. Tell me about your home growing up.

4:49 Oh, home growing up was um I grew up in Montana, normal. Um parents both married. They've been married like 54 years. Um my dad was kind of um he was he we didn't have a great relationship. He was gone a lot. Um but we're still on on speaking terms with my family. I love my family very much. Had a very thankful for the way that I was raised.

5:12 Did you struggle with compulsive behavior as a kid? Um, uh, not well, I don't know. I never I've never really thought about that actually. Um, I don't think so.

5:30 Okay. Like what like what kind of childhood like compulsive behaviors? I mean, did you struggle with eating, with sexually acting out, with food, with with

5:42 no washing your hands? Did you anything like that? Um, no. I noticed some um some OCD tendencies later on as I've gotten older. Um, but no no sexual troubles at all.

5:57 Okay. Um, no eating disorders. Um, average weight, average height. So, this is a a strange question to ask you. Okay.

6:09 Okay. When did you stop liking you? Oh, when I started feeling like I was a burden to my uh to my family.

6:27 When did that start? Um uh that was in 2012. I had um one of my uh daughter when we had our seventh child, I had a a traumatic birth and um I ended up having seven surgeries. I was in I had got 157 units of blood. Um we were my husband's in the military. We were PCSing. We had to stay um where we were. He ended up not getting promoted. Um I've always just felt like a a burden because of the health bad health stuff. And then now especially leaving Puerto Rico, I feel like it's my fault because if I hadn't fallen and died, then u we would still be there. So, it's I bear a lot of that guilt and burden on myself

7:13 cuz what what I hear is somebody who is yes, you got to you're going to have to go sit with somebody. Clearly, you're you're struggling with the aftermath of almost not being alive, right? And most people don't have

7:27 the misfortune and down the road the fortune of leaning over the edge and realizing, "Oh, this is real fragile. this thing we call life.

7:37 Yeah. Yeah. And it's terrifying. Yeah. And so you for sure need to go talk to somebody.

7:44 Yeah, I have. I've I've actually I went to um to on-site down there by Nashville.

7:49 Yeah. Yeah. Great. I went to their healing trauma program and then I'm going again to their healing trauma program again next week.

7:56 Wonderful. Wonderful. It's they've got a great reputation and I know some people who've been through there and speak highly of it. So um but here here's what I want to tell you. Trauma is like the things that have happened to you

8:11 are if you think about it like you've probably heard me use this analogy before but like carrying a backpack around those are two or three or four giant cinder blocks that got dropped into your backpack.

8:23 Mhm. But that sucker was already filled with bricks. Mhm. already filled with I think my husband has these dreams. I wonder if he'd be better off without me. Kid one, kid two, kid three. I'm not good at this thing. I wonder if they would be better off with a different mom. Fair. Um, I I want to pre prerequisite that with the raising my children has been the absolute highest honor of my life and I absolutely love love that. But has there been times?

9:09 Yes, I know. But you're you're trying to protect them and they're not even here.

9:14 Sorry. Okay. I want I want to tell you you have permission to have the feelings that you have.

9:21 Okay. Or let me say it this way. There's no bad feelings. Okay. There's smart and not smart next right steps.

9:29 Okay. But you're allowed to be really frustrated that you have seven kids. Well, most of them are are teenagers now, so they're

9:39 fantastic. But but hold on. You're you're allowed to be in love and in awe of the man you're married to and really frustrated with his military career.

9:49 Uhhuh. You're allowed to have this fantasy about what's going to hap. You're going to go do these things in another country and then this stupid thing called gravity shows up and bam, now I find myself in the states unemployed in a hospital.

10:06 Uhhuh. You're allowed to feel all those things. And somewhere along the way, that idea of you being a burden is not just financial, is not just time, but you think just having a having a feeling is somehow denigrates other people that you care about. And what that means is you're a person who doesn't believe you have the right to exist emotionally spiritually physically. And weed takes that pain away.

10:36 Yes. Alcohol takes that pain away. Yes. So, the scary path for you, and I'm glad you've already signed up for to go to onsite. The scary path for you is is putting the crutches down, which is what alcohol and weed are. And you're going to have to feel the pain in your knees and in your feet and learn to rewalk and let your body get strong again. Okay?

11:06 But that's going to come from a place of I'm not a burden. My family would not be better off without me.

11:14 No, no, I absolutely agree that with that they wouldn't I I know you you agree with that intellectually, but you don't believe that in your chest.

11:24 You're right. And you've had some gnarly things happen to you, huh? Yes, I'm I really have. Yeah. And then what we get is tomorrow if we're lucky. And we get to decide what tomorrow's going to look like.

11:48 In terms of telling your kids, how old are your kids? Rattle off their ages if you can even remember them all. I'm just

11:53 Oh, I can remember them all. Uh 13, uh 16, 17, 18, 21, 23, 25. Okay. Do they all live with you?

12:05 Um no. two are married and have um families of their own. Um five live with us.

12:10 Okay. So, and and I've been honest with them about like smoking marijuana before when I was in the pain pill addiction. I was honest with them. So, we have good communication, but I just don't know like that's not just I mean it's a hard thing to just say is this like hey by the way I've been drinking in my closet for three months.

12:30 Yeah. I don't know that that the specific details of that are important right now. Okay.

12:35 I think them knowing that, hey moms, I've been really struggling since coming back from Puerto Rico. I've been really struggling trying to get my bearings back after a traumatic brain injury. Trying to find my footing here. And I've fallen into some old habits again. And I don't want to go into details in all of them, but I want you all to know that I love you. And I'm going to bed earlier and earlier because I'm struggling, not because anything y'all are doing. And I miss y'all. And I'm going to get the help I need.

13:04 Okay. You just walking out and launching I'm an addict. A I don't know that that's true. And B, what what's a 13-year-old supposed to do with that? You're just taking one of your cinder blocks and tossing it to your 13-year-old saying, "Hey, you carry this for a while."

13:19 Well, exactly what I didn't want to do, and that's why I'm ask I'm asking because you're so much smarter than me.

13:24 No, trust me, I'm not. But but like, do you get what I'm saying? It's it's telling them, "Hey, mom's sick and mom's falling into some old habits again

13:30 and I'm going to get the help I need. But I want them to know I haven't been closing the door at 6:00 and not coming out because I don't like being around y'all.

13:40 Okay. I've been going into the bathroom cuz I'm sick. I'm not well. Okay. Okay.

13:45 And your dad, if he, if this is true, your dad's been amazing. The way y'all have stepped up and filled in the gap for dinners, for cleaning up around here, and all that have been amazing. And I'm so proud of you guys.

13:55 Um, y'all are showing me that I'm not a burden. Okay. Thank y'all for loving me when I'm not well.

14:04 Okay. And then ask each of them, can you give your your mom a hug? At least 30 seconds.

14:16 At least. And if they want further questions, I would tell them not until you come back from the second onsite. And I would tell talk to them individually because the 18-year-old can hear certain things that the 13-year-old can't can't metabolize.

14:29 Okay. Okay. And teenagers are going to be filled with emotions and they're going to say things like, "How could you and you always told us not to and you're a liar and you're a hypocrite and they're just saying teenage stuff and that's fine."

14:46 Okay. They don't get a vote in this matter right now. Okay. Cuz it sounds to me like somebody who is really struggling emotionally and struggling physically

14:56 Yeah. did what she did to survive. I did. And you're here. Mhm. And I would have if you'd come to me beforehand, I would have given you some other options. But you're here and you made it.

15:10 Mhm. How hard is it being sober for the last 11 days? Oh, it actually has been a lot better than I thought it would be. Okay. I've I've kept super busy. Like right now we're in um I took the kids to New York City and we're seeing a Broadway show tonight. First time we've done that.

15:24 So fantastic. Life is definitely better sober. It's amazing. Does your husband celebrate you? Does he love you?

15:32 He does. He loves me very well. Okay. Will you make sure he knows? My life. Yeah, I I I I do. I do. I Our relationship is is great. Um I do. I tell him every night how thankful I am. And and he also tells me that I'm not a burden and and that he I mean he would give me up to half his kingdom. He probably g me all of it.

15:51 Well, and so here's here's the deal. I I told this to a previous caller. One of the greatest gifts of a spouse who sees us and knows us is in those moments when we can't see or know ourselves when we feel things that aren't necessarily accurate.

16:07 Okay? We trust them. And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job around the house and my wife grabs my face and she says, "I'm so glad that I chose you."

16:22 Okay? I I exhale and go, I don't feel it, but I trust you. And sometimes that's the gas I need to go do the next right thing. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "How Do I Tell My Family I’m Living a Double Life?" about?

The main topic revolves around a person's struggle to confront their family about their addiction to alcohol and drugs while seeking to understand the underlying causes of their dependency. It explores the tension between their Christian faith, which offers a path to satisfaction, and the need for scientific insights to combat overindulgence, as well as the emotional complexities resulting from…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

15 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Trauma, Addiction, Puerto Rico, Healing, Emotional Burden, Onsite. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "How Do I Tell My Family I’m Living a Double Life?"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 2,876 words in 64 timestamped sections.

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