How Do My Husband and I Manage Our Extreme Differences

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on the challenges a couple faces due to their differing energy levels and productivity styles: one partner thrives on a structured checklist of tasks, while the other prefers to unwind before tackling household chores. This imbalance leads to frustration and resentment, highlighting the need for understanding and compromise in their relationship.

Key takeaways

• Productivity isn’t universal; energy levels define how we tackle tasks, not the tasks themselves.
• Your 'to-do' list may be a badge of honor or a source of stress—rethink its role in your life!
• Resentment in relationships often stems from unspoken expectations—communication is key, even amidst 'downtime'.
• 'Downtime' might just mean different things: relaxation for one, checking off lists for another. Find common ground!
• Reassess your expectations of partnership—does your definition of a 'good partner' need a refreshing upgrade?

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dr. John Delony (Host) · 10 min speaking
• Unknown Woman (Guest) · 7 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Better Help

Notable quotes from "How Do My Husband and I Manage Our Extreme Differences"

• Can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about…

  about Better Help · at 2:40

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

• Better Help — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at 2:36
  Advertised as an online therapy service during the podcast, providing a solution for listeners seeking mental health support.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 My husband and I, I just curious how we can come to a common ground regarding our different energy levels and different ideas of productivity.

0:20 You you're saying that so clinically. What What is the Well, I wrote it down so I didn't uh I didn't

0:27 All right, put your notes away. What's the real thing beneath a thing? Is your husband lazy and you like to crush it and kill it? You love Mel Robbins and he's more like, "Hey, let's play video games."

0:38 No, I mean, I would not consider my husband a lazy person at all. Okay. He just um he is a law enforcement officer,

0:45 okay? And he works long days and I stay at home mom and I love it. It's the biggest blessing. But we just I I am just like have this checklist of things that I need to get done throughout the day.

1:03 Okay. And he is more so of I need to have this downtime before I can even work on this checklist. Excuse me. We've had a lot of conversations about this. It's not something that is not something that we don't talk about. We talk about it a lot. It's probably the biggest point of contention in our marriage. And um and it it the only resolution we ever seem to come to is that we're just different. And sometimes it's just challenging because I don't want to feel that resentment towards him as far as there's a pile of laundry that could be folded.

1:41 There's dishes that could be done. And I know that you've worked hard and you're gone all day, but I just need we just have different ideas as far as I can relax once all this is done. And he said, "Well, I'll get it done. I just need a little bit of relaxing time." And it's just very frustrating for both of us. So beneath that list is what

2:09 my beneath my list is probably the need to feel peaceful and to feel okay I've accomplished what I need to get done and there's not anything sitting on my brain anymore that keeps me from feeling relaxed. So why is

2:27 he can feel relaxed whenever. If there's something sitting on your brain, why is it somebody else's responsibility to get it off?

2:36 This is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living. And yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try Better Help. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month.

3:06 Why is it somebody else's responsibility to get it off? It isn't. You're right. Or isn't um

3:15 I is it is it is that responsibility come from a picture that you have of a good wife has a house that looks like this or a good mom is like this or is it the list is a road map for you to feel like this guy is actually plugged into the pulse of your house?

3:36 Yeah, probably probably a bit of all of that. Honestly, I I want like I'll find myself being frustrated if he's on his phone when he gets home from work. our kid and he's he's an amazing father, but you know it's sometimes our child is like you can tell he wants attention and my husband will kind of just be you know need a little time to relax and I I'm like I don't want I just get so worried that something that their relationship is going to hurt because of that.

4:09 Okay. And so I think there's no evidence that it will. Well well I mean there is I mean there there there's tons of evidence. I wouldn't have a show if it wasn't for moms and dads coming home and gluing themselves to a screen as to avoid that feeling of powerlessness and worth worthlessness and exhaustion at home. Like I wouldn't have a job if that didn't happen. Right. So you're you're right to worry. But

4:30 um what what feels like the blinking lights for me are that y'all are having you've probably heard me say this, y'all are having proxy wars. Mhm.

4:41 And I want to define what does downtime mean, right? And what does this list represent? And if the list represents a story you've told yourself about what makes you a good wife and a good mother and a good partner, then you've got a partner walking in the door, stepping over the laundry, being like, I don't care about that.

5:06 Yeah. And so that means it's a story you're telling yourself. And we need to re either I'm just going to do the law. I'm just going to fold it because it's my burden I'm placing on myself or I need to exhale and realize I got to change my story about the shoulds and the have to because they're not true. They may have they may have served me in a former life as a kid, but [snorts] they're not serving me now. [clears throat]

5:30 Or if that list is a representation of we had this new kid and I'm losing my guy. I miss you. Mhm.

5:41 And if he walks in the door and home is a place where he comes in and has yet another sergeant barking orders at him or he feels like I walk in the door and I'm not it's not a place where I can drop my shoulders and that everyone's happy that I'm here. It's a place where I'm yet again doing things not the right way.

6:05 You get what I'm saying? Right. Yeah. Totally. And then quote unquote downtime. It's not downtime. It's not rest and recovery. It's not like on Saturday, this past Saturday, my wife said, "Hey, I'm going to go take a nap for an hour and a half."

6:17 Like, that was a bounded time. I need a way from you and Josephine because y'all are bickering and fighting. Me and my daughter are always wrestling with each other. And I need a And I need some sleep. I'm going to go some sleep. I'll be back in 90 minutes. It was awesome. And honestly, I don't know when she came out. It could have been two and a half hours later. I don't know. But it was it was not I need to not be present with y'all. It was I need some RNR and here's what that's going to look like.

6:44 Yeah. And so it's these it's these dot dot dots. What does what does quoteunquote downtime mean?

6:53 And is it transitioning from, hey, I had to show up to 25 strangers homes and cars today. In every one of those I thought I could get killed

7:01 and not be able to come home to you and I just need to exhale. Cool. Maybe that's going to the gym then. Maybe that's sitting in the driveway for 30 minutes. Maybe that's walking in and you greeting him with a cup of coffee. But that's different than I'm walking in my front door and I here I am. I'm back to another failing in I feel like my home's a failure factory. I'm not good enough here either. And then you feel like I'm not I'm a failure of a spouse because I don't feel like I'm And you see how it just gets in this weird figure eight. Yes, totally.

7:35 You make more lists and he detaches more and all of a sudden GH Yeah, I don't want that.

7:43 Yeah. So, [clears throat] let me ask you, what does a list represent for you? What does it mean?

7:49 Um, I think I think you're right. Like, I I want to be want to have this nice clean house and my kids to have a nice cooked meal. No, I I don't want to, you know, I I just I think it's standards I hold myself to. And um

8:10 where do those come from? And that doesn't have to be some deep psychological something or other, but where do these standards come from? That this is what a house is supposed to I mean, your kids got to eat, right? And like your kids need diapers, whatever, but like where does the this house has to look like this and operate like this or I'm not enough? I mean, it's so I've been telling myself that for so long and the only thing I can think is it it I'm sure social media has to do with it other people. But I also think it's a I think it's just a society thing. I think it's just like if I can't like people with 10 kids are doing this better than I am with two kids.

9:00 They're not. They're absolutely not. 100% they're not. Guaranteed. Right. That's what my husband says.

9:05 Guaranteed. 100%. You know how I know? Cuz I'm in their homes. They're not. Yeah.

9:11 They're not. And but but let's get to the bottom. The the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. Mhm.

9:20 There's something powerful about you telling your husband, "I feel seen and known and loved when you walk in the door and I know you're exhausted and the first thing you do is you scan the room and grab the basket of laundry and take it to our bedroom and fold it."

9:38 Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I and I I've told him that and anytime we're really good about anytime, hey, thank you so much for doing the dishes. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. you know, we're we're really a good communication. [clears throat] I just don't see it like I think my expectation is you did this yesterday, why don't you do it today and the next day and the next day and and I think and there's no consistency there with how we are different in that. It's like some days he's really good about hopping up and and not taking two hours of downtime and

10:14 and [clears throat] he comes home right away and is spending time with our kids and but then the next day it's like he just it's [snorts] the complete opposite and I really struggle with with consistency there.

10:26 Yeah. I don't know where I heard this but it's kind of stuck in my head that um unspoken expectations are pre-arranged resentments. Yeah. And I I know that one thing my I've always had to manage my expectations. It's something I'm learning for sure.

10:47 Well, I think it's less about managing expectations and managing the finish line.

10:52 Mhm. Cuz the moment you cross the marathon finish line, you look up and you're like, I need to run five more miles. I need to run 10 more miles. Having high expectations is amazing,

11:08 especially when they're in service to something, not when they're equally a drug. Like, I need this to look like this. Like, I need the laundry to get done cuz I need the freaking laundry to get done. That's one thing. That's easy peasy, dude. But when it is I need the laundry to done to get done so I can quote unquote feel like I'm now worthy of being a wife and mother. The moment that laundry gets done, it just will move to the next thing because that's a bottomless pit because you're seeking external validation for an internal hole in your chest.

11:46 Definitely. Does that make Does that make sense? Yeah. Like when he does the dishes and you say, "Thank you for doing the dishes." That it's almost like a it's a transaction.

11:59 Yeah. Don't want that. instead of like he's doing the dishes and you walk by and I don't know y'all's what I don't know if he just likes it when you put your hand on his arm under the table or if you whap him on the butt when you walk by or

12:17 if you put your hand on the back of his it's it's but it's it's those are the call them bids. Those are small

12:28 attenuations to we're in this together. not you did this so I'll give you that. And if the laundry becomes the proxy war or the dishes become the you just came home and sat down and you I needed the dishes done. Really the thing here is I miss you and we're in this thing together and I need to feel like I got a partner in this thing. Otherwise, three days he'll go do the dishes when he sees them. Great. I checked off that thing off the box. And that's not really what you're aiming at. What you're aiming at is I need to ride or die again.

13:07 Yeah. Is that fair? That's very fair. And sometimes the laundry can just be about the laundry. Get up and do the laundry. Like, I need you to fold this. Like, okay, cool. Got it.

13:20 Yeah. But if the basket of clothes is is proof to you that you're not enough, no, there's going to be no proof there. That's going to have to be you deciding I'm going to change that story that I am enough, that he married well, that I'm a good mom.

13:43 Do you believe those things? Yeah, I do. I I do. I don't know if I do on a surface level or if I do deep down, but there's definitely a missing piece there.

13:55 Okay. I've seen couples be really successful when they, and you've heard me say this a million times, and I feel like I'm beating a drum here, of y'all going out and saying, "Hey, we have a new marriage now." The marriage we had when you were a young cop and I was a young cop's wife and we could make out whenever we wanted to. And I thought it was kind of sexy that you were a cop and we'd go out and whatever. And then we had kid one and then we had kid two. We have a brand new marriage now.

14:27 Mhm. And so I want to clear the deck and ask this question. How do we want the home to feel when you walk in at the end of the day? And what must be true there? And him say, here's how how do how do I how do I want you to feel when I walk in the door? And if 30 minutes of doing chores when he walks in the door allows the whole house to drop their shoulders so that the rest of the evening can just be pure hangout laughter goofball whatever as he calls it downtime. That's amazing. Knock that out, dude. That's easy. But if downtime is his way of avoiding the fact that he feels like he lives in a failure factory and you are making lists to prove that he doesn't really want to be a part of this team, it just gets in this weird figure eight.

15:27 Well, I think you're a pretty great mom. I think you're a pretty great wife. And my guess is your husband's a pretty good guy, too. Is that fair?

15:35 Yes, he's he's the best. Okay. Would he say you're the best? Yes. Okay. In those moments where we can't believe it in ourselves when we look in the mirror and all we see is the new wrinkle, the new three lbs, the new unchecked boxes on yesterday's list. In those seasons, those days, those hours, those minutes, it's good to have a ride or die with us that we can outsource some of that feeling to them. Mhm.

16:07 And maybe it's as simple as you text him and saying, "Hey, if I text you and say, "Would you?" And he's like, "Oh, yeah, I would. That's all I need." Or set your timer on your phone and text me twice a day that you love me. Done.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "How Do My Husband and I Manage Our Extreme Differences"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Unknown Woman (Guest).

What is "How Do My Husband and I Manage Our Extreme Differences" about?

The discussion centers on the challenges a couple faces due to their differing energy levels and productivity styles: one partner thrives on a structured checklist of tasks, while the other prefers to unwind before tackling household chores. This imbalance leads to frustration and resentment, highlighting the need for understanding and compromise in their relationship.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "How Do My Husband and I Manage Our Extreme Differences"?

The episode runs 16 min; the transcript is about 2,801 words in 50 timestamped sections.

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