I Don’t Like My Husband Anymore . . .

What this episode is about

The discussion centers around a woman grappling with feelings of disconnection from her husband as he adapts to changing life circumstances, including the exhaustion of parenthood and work. Despite her love for him, she longs for greater engagement and communication, leading to a conflict about reconciling her expectations with his current state, prompting suggestions for health evaluations to understand his well-being better.

Key takeaways

• Marriage is a series of upgrades; sometimes you love the software, but hate the bugs.
• As men approach 40, biological changes can shatter their sense of vitality—check that testosterone!
• Even great teachers can lose their spark; burnout at home mirrors chaos in the classroom.
• Intimacy thrives in the bedroom, but longing for connection outside it can leave love feeling one-dimensional.
• True love isn't just about acceptance; it's about navigating the changing versions of each other.

What is discussed, and when

1. 3:00 – 6:00: BetterHelp

Notable quotes from "I Don’t Like My Husband Anymore . . ."

• Can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about…

  about BetterHelp · at 4:32

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

• BetterHelp — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 4:28
  Promoted as an online therapy service with a discount offer for listeners

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. So, you talk a lot about how through the course of a marriage, you're married to like a lot of different versions of your person. Yes.

0:13 And I feel like I'm trying to reconcile like not loving this version of the person that I love, if that makes sense.

0:22 Is it okay? Is it not loving or is it I don't I love this guy, but I don't like this new version. Yes, that's exactly it. We are like, so I want to I'm going to do the caveat thing that everyone does, but like we are in it forever. He's a great man. We're really happy.

0:37 Blah blah blah. Okay. Blah blah blah. Right. Right. So tell me about this this new version. Did he get leather pants and a motorcycle?

0:44 Oh, no. No. No. It's the opposite actually. So he's a teacher. Okay. He is exhausted. like he and I feel like when we got to three kids,

0:53 we reached his capacity and I just feel like he is a little disengaged, a little um yeah, he just is tired all the time and I feel like I need more from him and I want more from him and he'll like the words we had a good little argument the other day and the words he ended it with are like I just want to be loved for who I am and not who you want me to be but I like want more. I want more engagement. I want more communication. I want more presence.

1:23 Okay, does that make sense? Yeah, totally. So, uh, a couple of things here and I'm going to throw one thing out that I don't think I've ever thrown out initially like this. How old is he?

1:31 Yeah, he's almost 40. Okay. I want you to um, and I have no affiliation with this company. This is just who I use. Yeah.

1:41 I want you and him in the in the new year. We're recording this right before New Year's, but um this will be out like in late January, February. I want y'all to go to function

1:52 and get your blood work done. Okay. Okay. Cuz I want him to check several things, including his testosterone and free test, and I want you to see how he's doing. That's number one. Okay.

2:05 Okay. Um there is a falling off a cliff at about 40 for some men. Okay. And it feels like the world's coming to an end. Yeah,

2:14 when it world's coming to an end, not psychologically as much as I I literally can't do the things I used to be able to do. And yeah, um it's been transformative for me. It's been transformative for some of my buddies. And so, go get that. Go get go check that out. Okay, that's number one. Great. All right. So, put that over to the side. And and most I'll just say this, most men won't do that.

2:37 Yeah. They'll say, "I'm fine. Relax." Um, and the path forward would be, I want us to do this together. I'm going to do it. We're we're entering into our 40s, and this is when things just start to change. We have to live a little bit differently.

2:51 Yeah. And so, ask him, will you do this for me? I'm doing it, and I want you to be brave and go first. And ask him if he'll do it, too. It's a couple hundred bucks. They're they're um they're awesome. And they are not a sponsor of this show, but they

3:03 their their program and their platform is world class. Super easy to read, all that kind of stuff. Okay. I feel like I'm doing an infomercial for somebody, but all right. So, that's number one.

3:10 Here's number two. What What does he teach? He is teach eighth graders. Like a psychology class.

3:18 Okay, great. He's an amazing teacher. Of Yeah, I would I would expect nothing less. And so, yeah. How many kids do you all have? You have three.

3:26 Three that are 11, nine, and six. Okay. So, fun ages. Like, I think it's so fun. I feel like we're right in the middle of the activity chaos. I'm like all in and he just gets tired.

3:38 Okay. Where does he win? Well, um I think school is a place he wins. He's an amazing teacher.

3:48 But but even that is a place where you might have connection with young people. And by the way, I was a high school teacher. It's still my favorite job I've ever had ever. Ever. It was so fun.

3:59 Yeah. Um Yeah. And then I was with college students for 20 years. Like it's so fun. And you can win with the human interaction with those students, but you lose with every parent. You lose with every administrator. You lose with every deadline. You lose with every social media post saying education's killing every like all that,

4:17 right? Yeah. Yeah. So, you can make space for human connection inside of a really poisonous environment.

4:23 Yeah. Where does he win at home? This is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living and yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try BetterHelp. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month. Where does he win at home?

5:01 Yeah. Um, we have a really good intimacy life. I feel like that's the place that's good and happy and exciting. So, that's a good win.

5:08 Um, does he feel like that? Yeah, he wants he always wants more. I think he wants me to want

5:18 him him in that capacity more or more outside of the bedroom. Like I feel like within the bedroom it's awesome, but he wants me to want that 24 hours a day. Like that's what he wants our texting

5:30 to be about. Like that's the place he finds connection with me. Okay. And I feel like I want connection other places.

5:36 Like where like where uh like I want him to say good morning when he comes down in the morning instead of like going straight to the coffee pot. Or I want him to come home from work and like hug all of us before he sits on the couch and looks at his phone. Okay. You know what I mean?

5:50 Yes. Yes. So, and I feel like when I say that kind of stuff pretty clearly to him, he like hears it

5:57 for 4 days. You know what I mean? Or like we'll kind of think in his head like I just need to get through like appease this for a couple days and then we'll go back to status quo.

6:07 Okay. And I feel like like a word I've been kind of hovering between is like I think he's feels really content. Like I think he feels like we live this happy we do live this really happy suburb life. But I feel like there's this fine line between content and apathetic. Does that make sense? It does. But I'm trying to get you to tell me what you're missing from him.

6:28 Yeah. I think I'm missing conversation and I'm missing like Yeah. emotional engagement and some spiritual engagement too. Like I think we got married under this premise that we both really value like Bible study community, Christian friends, and that is like not something he's seeking in his life.

6:49 Okay. Um, but my my question for you is y'all yeah, are your bills covered? I mean, y'all y'all aren't starving. Okay. So, financially y'all are okay. Your sex life is great. You have a husband that still wants you all the time.

7:04 Yeah. And you're in you're like you're in a you're in a season where things are good. So, let me ask you, put him off to the side.

7:12 Uhhuh. What is the thing you are missing in your the middle of your chest? I think I'm missing feeling seen.

7:24 There you go. Continue with that. Yeah. Like I think I want him someone to like ask me about my day and want to sit and talk with me and like want to like when I'm sad want to like reflect back what they hear me saying and just like care about that. Yeah.

7:52 Does that make sense? Totally. Where are you seeing where where else are you not feeling like you're being seen?

7:59 I mean, our kids are hard right now. They're the best. It's so fun, but they are fighting all the time. I feel a little bit like their punching bag. Y

8:06 um so they don't see me that well. Um who else? What about your girlfriends? I have great girlfriends, but I feel like uh my own spiritual like I have a great little Bible study that I love, but we are like inconsistently meeting, kind of texting every day, getting together when we can. And I know they'd be there in the drop of a hat if anything happened, but it's like nothing structured.

8:30 Yes. So, and we could go down this road for a while, but here's here's two things I'm hearing.

8:36 Yeah. Number one is in the marathon of life, your husband's looking at you and saying I I'm I'm I'm doing everything. Yeah.

8:47 And the finish line keeps moving. Yeah. Say I'm super intense. Well, it's not about that. Like he married an intense woman like and he loves that.

8:57 He did. But what I'm saying is it's um the the words behind closed doors when I talk to men all over the country from from high school teachers to CEOs.

9:10 Yeah. Is home becomes a failure factory. Uhhuh. There's not a thing I can do to where my wife is good with me.

9:19 Because when I do it, the thing whatever the thing is, there's another thing and then there's another thing.

9:25 Yeah. And what I hear often is, and again, this is not about blame. This is about just re and I'll I'll walk you through how to do this, but like it's just reestablishing, oh, here's where we are right now.

9:38 Yeah. It it is a sense inside our own chest that I'm not okay or I want more. Mhm.

9:45 And slowly when you get three kids and you're almost 40 and you got a house payment and you got electric bills and you got a dog pooping everywhere, like you have all the stuff, then what happens is we end up putting all of our needs onto one person.

10:02 Yeah. Yep. And they can't carry it all. And so every connection he every connection point on the planet for him is having sex with you because that's how most men connect.

10:15 Yeah. Yes, that's true. And and there's there's a there's a weird passing in the night where men often need to do something physical to let their bodies know it's okay to be vulnerable emotionally.

10:29 And for all of human history, sex for women meant maybe pregnancy, which meant maybe death.

10:35 Yeah. And so before I can do something physical with you, I have to know you're going to be there. I have to know there's emotional safety here.

10:42 Yeah. And so you end up going in this figure eight where I need emotional safety to be physical and I need physical to be emotionally safe.

10:49 Safety. Yeah. And so he picks up his phone and numbs out and you just slam the cabinet doors.

10:54 Yeah. Right. Concentrate to that. Yeah. And so somebody, you've heard me say this a lot and so I'm trying to be better about explaining exactly what I mean. Somebody has to go first. Yeah.

11:07 And turn the lights on and turn the music off and say, "I love you till death do his part. Ride or die." And let's clear the deck. And here's the path. Okay? And it sounds so simple. It's like, "How do I lose weight? Diet and exercise." You're like, "Thanks, idiot." Right? It's that simple except it's that hard. Which is

11:25 I have to see you and I got to know you and then I have to be your number one cheerleader. got to celebrate you. And then I buy myself permission to challenge you. And when we're exhausted and we got kids everywhere and we're running and gunning and we got 50 million things going on, we just assume that everyone's seen and known and like, I did your dishes. Of course, I'm celebrating you. I brought him a paycheck. Of course, I'm celebrating you. I had sex with you. Of course, I'm celebrating you. And we go straight to challenge. You need to Why don't you? We never Can you

11:58 Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Okay. Can I ask you a question? 100%. I like he grew up with a mother with a mom, my mother-in-law, who really would use words pretty manipulatively, like she would affirm to get something. So, I feel like he doesn't hear me or he feels manipulated when I try to like verbally affirm him, you know? Like, so I'll like try to enter a conversation like that, do a lot of the like, "Oh my gosh, thank you so much for cooking dinner the last three nights. It would be amazing if you just hug me when you get home from work." And I think he just feels kind of manipulated. Does that make sense?

12:29 Totally. So, ask ask him this one magic question on Well, I want you to clear the deck. So, we're doing this right before New Year's. I want you all to plan a half day out.

12:39 Okay. On January 2nd, 3rd, or 4th, plan a half day. And I know you're going to be like, I've got to get babysitters again. Yes. You make a call and get some babysitters. And you plan a half day.

12:50 Yeah. And here's the question. Or here's the statement. Yeah. The marriage we had is over. I want to build a new amazing marriage. We've never been married before. We have three kids who are heading into middle school.

13:03 Yeah. And then here's one of the magic questions. How can I love you in this season?

13:10 Yeah. And then say here is and all you're doing is providing each other a road map.

13:18 Okay. Can I push back a little bit? 100%. That feels like so much work to him. And I think that's where that like apathetic piece like I'll try to do that like the what weekly budget meetings like what do we need to grow in? How? And it just exhausts him. Like he's like I don't want to do a business meeting with you. I just want to enjoy you. Can we just like go to a movie? Like this is work for me. Does that make sense?

13:39 Yeah. But he's got to get over himself. That's just being immature. Yeah. And that's like saying that's like saying I don't want to do a budget. I just want to spend money. Can we just go buy a horse?

13:48 Right. Or a couch. And it's like, of course, you can buy a horse and a couch, but you got to figure out, do you have enough for the light bill, too?

13:56 Right. And I don't know how to challenge him on that without like fighting. You know what I mean? Like, what's content and what's apathetic? And I think he would say like, can't we just be like, "It's good. We're good. We don't need to grow anymore. Like, I'm we're fine." And I feel like you're just kind of apathetic. Like, I want to grow. I want to

14:13 I know, but you've got to grow towards a thing. Okay. Unrestrained growth is called cancer. Huh?

14:21 And most people are dis dissatisfied with like they have a sense in their chest that life could be quote unquote more than it is. And so we just say words personal growth. I want to grow. I want to keep growing. I want to keep growing. I want to grow in my faith. I want to grow my fitness. I want to grow in my sex life. And it's like for what end? Where are we going?

14:36 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if it's like I sit with too many gajillionaires who are like, "Dude, I grew that and I lost all of it." Mhm.

14:47 And so what I want you to be able to reverse engineer for yourself well enough that you can pass this along is here's what growth is going to get me.

14:58 Yeah. And if you have an inconsistent group of friends he can't solve that from you by hugging you.

15:05 Yeah. Yeah. And he needs to put down his damn phone and hug his wife. Yes. Yeah.

15:10 Both Both are true. Yeah. Who are we going to be in this season? Who do I want to be in this season? Yeah.

15:18 And then if you say something along the lines of, "I feel loved when you walk in and you don't plop down on the couch and pull out your phone."

15:25 Yeah. And he says, "I'm going to do that." Well, then there's an illumination that your marriage isn't as strong as you thought it was.

15:32 Yeah. Yeah. And if he says, "I feel loved when I walk in the door after being surrounded by 120 high school e I mean eighth graders, middle school eighth graders. I just need 30 minutes." But what if he says like, "I just need three hours." Like sometimes I feel that like on Saturdays he wants to like be left alone and I don't and not always, but I feel like I'm dragging him along. Like he'll do it, you know? I'm like, "Hey, we have one. We're going to go

16:00 to zoo lights at 5:00 p.m. We got nothing until then." And it's like, "Okay, okay, let me get, you know, I feel like I'm dragging him along through those things."

16:08 But sometimes you're going to have to be able to say, "I would love for you to be here with us. The kids would love you to be here with us."

16:12 Yeah. Right. And if he goes most of the time, that's awesome. And if he says, "Tonight, I'm going to prop my feet up and just stare off from the space." Sometimes that's got to be okay.

16:22 Yeah. And I think part of it is that like he throws all the frustration of that on me. Does that make sense? So like when we get there and meet friends, it's like he's great and happy, but the 4 hours before I feel like I have this very like why are we doing this blah blah blah like kind of grumpy version of him that I don't want to carry.

16:40 Yes. But he doesn't want to carry you when he walks in the door and you're like, "Hey, what about this? Why didn't you do this? Hey, what about that?"

16:46 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. And so yall are both dumping everything on each other and you're both like, "I don't want to carry that." But a part of maturity is showing up and doing a budget meeting, showing up going through calendar, showing up a few times a year to say, "How are we? How are you? How can I love you in this season?" That's not like, "Dude, I don't want to work." That's part of being a grown-up, dude. Part of being a grown-up. You do those things. You set those guardrails so you can go live a fun, reckless, adventurous, peaceful, restful life. So, it's all of it. But somebody's got to go first. And since you call, I'm I'm designating you as the one that says, "Let's re let's reimagine this thing.

17:28 Let's make it as awesome as possible." And if you think it's as awesome as it could possibly be right now, cool. I want to hear you talk to me about that. Tell me about it. And we have to go through the details of living an adult life. That's just part of it, man. We got too much going on.

Questions about this episode

What is "I Don’t Like My Husband Anymore . . ." about?

The discussion centers around a woman grappling with feelings of disconnection from her husband as he adapts to changing life circumstances, including the exhaustion of parenthood and work. Despite her love for him, she longs for greater engagement and communication, leading to a conflict about reconciling her expectations with his current state, prompting suggestions for health evaluations to…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "I Don’t Like My Husband Anymore . . ."?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 3,627 words in 84 timestamped sections.

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