Transcript

I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me

From The Dr. John Delony Show · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 4 min · 11,073 words · 184 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me", an episode of The Dr. John Delony Show published January 12, 2026 (1 h 4 min, about 11,073 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including John Deloney, Jeremy John Mary, Jill, Eller Danlos syndrome, Niece.

What this episode is about

The main topic addresses a woman's concern about balancing life changes due to health issues and the fear that her husband will eventually resent her for it. The discussion explores strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship amidst significant personal challenges, emphasizing the importance of communication and emotional support.

Key takeaways

  • Health can be a thief; it steals routines and relationships, but honesty can pave new paths forward.
  • Grieving the 'old you' is a marathon, not a sprint; embrace the change rather than chase the past.
  • Resentment is the shadow lurking in silence; proactive communication is the sunlight that keeps it at bay.
  • Compromised mobility dims past passions, yet can ignite new pursuits if you allow space for reinvention.
  • The body can be a traitor, but redefining identity apart from physicality can reveal unexpected strengths.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Eller Danlos syndrome, Jeremy John Mary, POTS, Lee Summit, Missouri
  2. – 20:00: Dutch
  3. – 30:00: Jill, Beam, Dutch
  4. – 50:00: Grandmother, Niece, Pro-choice
  5. – 1:00:00: Pro-life
  6. – 1:04:11: Somerset, Pennsylvania

Notable quotes from "I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me"

  • What's the diagnosis? there's actually three. So the first diagnosis is Eller Damlo syndrome.
    about Jeremy John Mary · at
  • Yeah. Are you even able to have kids at this point with POTS and indometriosis?
    about POTS · at
  • That's good for your family. That's good for your wallet. Go to dutch.com/deloney and use code deloney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's dutchdutch.com/delone.
    about Dutch · at
  • All right, let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to Jill. What's up, Jill?
    about Jill · at
  • All right, let's roll out to Baltimore, Maryland, and talk to Elaine. Hey Elaine, what's up?
    about John Deloney · at
  • And this came to light. My mom called me when I was in the road and mentioned that she was going to be taking my niece that afternoon to have her second abortion. And I was…
    about Niece · at
  • When you say that when you say that is it I can't welcome somebody who is pro-choice into my house. I can't I can't invite somebody who would when a child when a young adult I don't know how this your.
    about Pro-choice · at
  • I have another core value which is I am adamantly pro-life.
    about Pro-life · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • John Deloney — Person · Host · 18 mentions
    He hosts the show, guides callers through relationship/mental health dilemmas, and frames the advice across all segments.
  • Jeremy John Mary — Person · Caller / Guest · 1 mention · first at
    Mary calls about progressive chronic illness and fears her husband will resent the caregiving burden and lifestyle changes.
  • Jill — Person · Caller / Guest · 1 mention · first at
    Jill seeks guidance on discussing her 14-year-old daughter's weight and body changes without causing shame or harming their relationship.
  • Niece — Person · Referenced person / Catalyst · 1 mention · first at
    Elaine's young adult niece is central to the conflict: her second abortion and the mother's role in facilitating it triggers Elaine's boundary reconsideration.
  • Grandmother — Person · Referenced person · 3 mentions · first at
    Elaine's grandmother (her mom's mother) previously housed Elaine's mom; her death precipitated the mom's financial instability narrative.
    Unstable. She has she lived with her mother for a long time up until my grandmother passed away. And my mom has been able to kind of live on her own for a few years through her…

Concepts & topics

  • Eller Danlos syndrome — Concept · Medical condition / Core context · 2 mentions · first at
    Mary's primary diagnosis (pronounced/typed imperfectly in transcript) explains progressive mobility loss and chronic pain driving marital stress concerns.
    What's the diagnosis? there's actually three. So the first diagnosis is Eller Damlo syndrome.
  • POTS — Concept · Medical condition / Core context · 1 mention · first at
    Mary lists POTS among diagnoses contributing to disability and uncertainty about pregnancy and daily functioning.
  • Pro-life — Concept · Core value stated by caller · 1 mention · first at
    Elaine identifies as adamantly pro-life, especially regarding family lineage, shaping her reaction to her mother's actions.
  • Pro-choice — Concept · Referenced framing concept · 1 mention · first at
    Raised explicitly as a possible interpretation of Elaine's discomfort about her mother moving in, contrasting with Elaine's stated pro-life stance.

Places & events

  • Lee Summit, Missouri — Place · Caller location · 1 mention · first at
    Identifies where Mary is calling from, grounding the episode's first segment geographically.
    Call on the show and walk alongside you as we figure out what we're going to do, what you're going to do next. Let's go out to Lee Summit, Missouri, and talk to Mary. Mary, what's up, Mary?
  • Somerset, Pennsylvania — Place · Letter-writer location · 1 mention · first at
    The final segment references a written question from Roseanne in Somerset, Pennsylvania.
    All right. So, this is from Roseanne in Somerset, Pennsylvania, and she writes, I've been married 37 years. Recently, my husband's brother has been dating a woman that my husband had a one night.

Sponsors

  • Dutch — Company · Advertiser / Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Dutch is promoted as a pet telehealth service during an ad break, positioned as affordable and convenient veterinary access.
  • Beam — Company · Advertiser / Sponsor · 1 mention · first at
    Beam's 'Dream' powder is recommended as a sleep aid; John claims personal use and improved sleep quality.
    Know about it. Why? For one reason. It works. And there's a second reason. It's delicious. Dream is a blend of sciencebacked ingredients. Magnesium, theine, epigenine, rishi…

Full transcript with timestamps

With all of my health stuff, I've had to take a more um lack approach to kind of just everything in my life. My job, my finances, my marriage. I'm just wondering how do I prevent him from resenting me?

There's a lot in that question right there. What's going on? This is John and I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your marriages, all of it. People all over the world, show up to the show, pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, go to johnddloney.com/ask. And for the jillions of you who DM me, I don't answer questions on social media when it comes to individual family life situations. Um, but I will take your call on the show and uh walk alongside you as we figure out what we're going to do, what you're going to do next. Let's go out to Lee Summit, Missouri, and talk to Mary. Mary, what's up, Mary?

Hi, John. How are you, beautiful? You doing good? I'm I'm okay. It's been been a month. I'm struggling a little bit, but I'm fine.

No, you're not. And you know what? At least for the 20 minutes we're going to talk, it's okay to not be fine. I'm glad you're here. What's up? Um, so with all of my health stuff that I've been having going on over the years, I've had to take a more um lack approach to kind of just everything in my life, whether that's my job, my finances, um my my marriage, um my household duties that I took on when we first me and my husband first got together. Um, and one of the things that kind of just eats away at me is I like am trying to balance all of these new changes without my husband resenting me in the future. And I'm just wondering how do I prevent him from resenting me,

you know, like five years down the road. There's a lot in that question right there.

Yeah, there is. Um, so tell me about your health. What's been going on? Um, so about three years ago, I had some major health issues come up where there was no end in sight. It was just doctor appointment after doctor appointment after doctor appointment and nobody knew what was going on. Um, fast forward about a year and a half, we finally figured out what was going on, but they were like, "We don't know why you have this. Like, it doesn't make sense."

What's the diagnosis? Um there's actually three. So the first diagnosis is Eller Damlo syndrome.

Okay. And then the second one is POTS. And then the third one is endometriosis.

You're in a lot of pain pretty regularly. Huh. Yeah. I I kind of over the years I was a very active person. Um big into dancing and things like that. I've ended up not being able to do dancing anymore. Me and my husband did ball ballroom dancing for years.

Mhm. And now I can't do that. I can't really go on hikes and in fact like my doctor's ordering me a walker and I've had to use like wheelchairs and stuff. So I've completely lost a lot of my mobility.

What is what is the prognosis look like? Is this degenerative or is there a treatment plan that you can be a part of?

It it's genetic so it's progressive. Okay. So, um, basically my connective tissues in my joints are just super lax.

Um, the collagen is not formed correctly in the joints and pretty much anywhere in my body. So, it causes a bunch of health problems, but the big issue is my joints are just not stabilized. So, I have a lot of falls.

Yeah. And with age dislocation, the it just gets worse. Sure. Yeah. I hate this for you.

Yeah. It's been hard. Yeah. It's It's not been hard. It's been like reorienting, right? It's It's like controlal altdelete on the person that you used to be.

Yeah. Um, sorry. Uh, no, you're okay. It's It's one of those things that I, you know, I listen to your show pretty frequently and you always talk about like how you have to kind of like grieve [snorts]

the loss of things. Like whenever you have a baby, you have to grieve your old marriage, you have to grieve everything. I I find that I struggle I'm struggling like with grieving the loss of my old life because I won't be able to get what I had back.

I can do physical therapy and try like experimental surgeries and stuff but that's not going to fix the problem.

Yeah. Yeah. It's tough when grief is like a slowm moving train, right? There's not a period at the end of the of the loss. It's like a like a slow drip loss, right?

Mhm. [snorts] And I guess it's it's almost I I I don't know cuz I've never been in your shoes from the outside. Um if if somebody had done this to you, at least you have somewhere external to point at. And it's got to be even further disorienting dealing with the reality of the loss of the things you used to be able to do and in many ways the person quote unquote that you were when the enemy is your own body, right?

My goodness. It it's very disorienting to say the least. It's like your daily but being betrayed by the one thing you're supposed to count on which is your body, right? Do you have kids?

Um, we want to have kids, but with everything going on, we've had to put kids on the back burner for the last three or four years.

Yeah. Are are you even able to have kids at this point with with POTS and indometriosis?

Um, we are actually going to be having some experiment, not experimental, but like exploratory surgeries to see in December.

Just how just how tough stuff is. I'm sorry, what? Just to see how what the damage is internally right?

Um, yeah, pretty much the endometriosis. We don't really know how like how bad it is. Like my MRI Yeah, they know like the MRI is showing that I most likely have endometriosis in quite a bit of different locations. But until they do that exploratory surgery, they don't really know for certain. But it's like, yeah, you you have all the symptoms. You have the whole little criteria list and your MRI showing it.

So, tell me about this guy you married. He is He's fantastic. I'm honestly I'm so lucky because he always puts me in front of everything that he does and he's very goal oriented which is nice because during this time like it was really hard to kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel and he he's not really like I wouldn't say that he's optimistic but he's like very like okay well you know we don't know yet if this is going to be causing infertility. we don't know yet if you're going to end up having to have this replaced or that replaced or if you're going to have to have this joint surgery. So, he kind of keeps me sane when my head just goes towards like catastrophe which is very lovely.

Yeah. Kind of almost sometimes even better than optimistic is realistic. Yes. Yes. He's very realistic. That's a good word. and he

maybe even different than realistic. He's very present like this is what we know today.

Mhm. And we might have things to be sad about tomorrow, but let's be here today.

Yes. Yes. That's a very good uh way to describe him. But he also is, you know, he's kind of like me where sometimes when things get to be too much, he can spiral and so then we're kind of spiraling together.

Yeah. and he unfortunately because of my health he's had to take over like a lot of like cleaning the house. That used to be something that I did.

Um and then he has to like work more hours because you know we we max out our health insurance. He never done that before. So he has to make up like the money that you know I'm losing by not being at work because I have to take a lot of work off with my health

and everything. Like it I think everything just piles up and I don't want him to resent marrying me.

Yeah, if that makes sense. Like I know that sounds silly. Not not at all. It doesn't doesn't sound doesn't sound silly at all.

In honor of your husband, let me ask you this question. Like what evidence do you have that he's heading towards resentment?

I don't have any, okay, for him. But I grew up in a very tumultuous household and like if like all the all the men that I had in my life when I was growing up like my my dad especially if something went wrong he would just leave.

Yeah. And so like it's not that I think that he's going to leave. I feel like it's the little child brain in Madison from when she was a kid. That's what she's seeing. Like, oh, all of these warning signs are popping up and I don't know how to handle it and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm going to be pushing him away from me when I need him with me.

So, I would even transfer like it's not even little girl. Um, it was a revelation to me that adult romantic relationships simply reuse the the I'm trying to say this in a not dorky way. It they it uses the same road map that was established when you were a kid. And so if you have a like with your with your parents, your mom and your dad, however that relationship was formed, the the highways that were developed in your head that was that relationship, your brain doesn't make new ones with your husband. It just reuses those roads.

And so if you have exits built into that highway system because dad would just bail on you, then it's not just an inner child. It's an it's a grown-up with real fears baked into your nervous system, right?

And I'm telling you that just so you know, you're not crazy. And that doesn't make him bad. And it doesn't make him like your dad, but it just

I know he's not my dad. Well, well, I know. But but but I don't want you cuz cuz here's where it happens. You start to feel a certain way in your body. Oh, this guy's going to do it, too. And then you feel guilty that you had that thought about this guy. And so you pull away a little bit or you overcompensate a little bit,

right? And then weirdly, you create an environment that makes it hard for him to get to you. And then it it it's how it's how patterns recreate themselves. And then he begins to feel not that I don't have the honor of a lifetime to take care of a hurting wife, but that I can't get to her. She keeps she keeps bailing on me or when I get close, she's electric. She comes at me. You get what I'm saying?

I did. And so some of this is dropping your shoulders and saying the way I feel is exactly right because my body's run this script before I feel that. And then I'm going to consciously go through on a minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes day by day. Is this true now? And for you it's not. And so I think the scariest part, the scariest thing you for me you can do in this relationship at this moment is to have any sort of secrets between the two of you is when you're feeling that you don't have an opportunity that that the closeness y'all are going to have is you putting stuff on the table and honoring him enough to let him respond to it.

Mhm. And giving him permission to be super frustrated. That's okay, too. That's right. Also, you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, I get what you're saying. And I know you don't want him to be frustrated, and you don't want him to be sad that his crazy, fun, super sexy, dancing, hiking wife is here. He gets to be frustrated there. I I would think something's wrong with him if he wasn't like, "Ugh." and does he get up and feel that and then go do the next right thing, which is to lean back in towards loving you recklessly. And that in and of itself is amazing. It's when either of you get hung up on the I shouldn't have felt this way.

No, you should. And are we going to go do the next right thing? And so the the scary thing for you is, and I'll put this in the ether, and here's my hope for saying this out loud, is it frees you, okay? It could immobilize you. No pun intended. My best my best oldest friend on the planet is in a wheelchair, so I'm just trying to have some fun here. Um is is is this right? Um, you can do nothing to prevent him from deciding he's going to resent you, which stinks.

And so that's heavy. I know. My hope is that frees you because if you start right now trying to quote unquote prove that you're still worthy of being his wife and worthy of having his love, then that fundamentally alters your your marriage way deeper than I don't dance anymore or I don't hike anymore. You get what I'm saying? The challenge for you is to show up and say, "I'm still got I still have both feet in this boat." Until you show me behaviors of language, until you show me that you're not all in, too, I'm all in.

Okay? And on those days I get scared like I'm too much and I'm afraid you're just going to walk out and leave. I'm not going to hold that inside. We're going to have a weekly meeting just to see like how are we doing? We still love each other, right? Do we still even even deeper than that? Do we still like each other? And then that becomes you. Okay, these things are off the table now. I can't do these things. I physically can't do these things. And you hear me on my show a lot. I'm always telling people like, "No, you can. You can go not be angry or not scream and yell. You can't do those.

You can't." Right. You can't go hiking. Yeah. And so that's off the table. Then you look across the table at this guy and say, "How can I love you right now?" And in this new bounded context we have what does love look like

and let him speak to it. And I can tell you as a husband who's had to take care of a wife who's had medical complications over the years. It's my single greatest honor in my life. More so than having kids. Be honest honest with me. Do you think he's going to leave?

No. Okay. Are you almost more worried that resent him? Yeah. Do you almost Are you almost more worried he's going to stay?

No, I want him to stay. I know you want him to stay, but are you almost more worried that he's going to stay and just resign himself to sadness and resentment?

I think he would. If he was sad and resented, he would stay anyway. But that's cuz I know that he loves me more than anything.

Yeah. But I don't want him to get to that point either. Okay. The challenge for you is you can't stop him from feeling how he's going to feel.

Mhm. The thing you can do is keep both feet in your boat and set up a a daily, if not weekly, especially weekly, especially monthly. Do we have a practice where we put everything on the table? This week was a good week. Let's celebrate that together. This week was a good week for me. Not a good week for me. Let's celebrate that together.

Okay. He's going to maybe [clears throat] need to go hiking with his buddies cuz that's who he is. He's an outdoors goofball, right? Just like me. And that means you're going to have to say, "The best way I can love you today is to tell you, go get your friends and y'all go hiking." And when he walks out that door, you get to be sad and weep. Not at him, but for you, cuz that stinks, man.

Mhm. And when he comes back in, you can choose to take that frustration and angst, I've been stuck inside all day, and dump it on him. Oh, it must be nice. Or you can say, "Dude, I'm so happy you got to get out of here." That's the That's the part of this you get to manage.

I definitely need to work on that. Right. And I don't want you to ever feel sad. Uh I I told a guy recently, we were walking through a parking lot after a show late at night and I looked at him and I said, "Hey," he's a friend of mine. I said, "Hey, there are no bad feelings here." He was going through a tough time with his spouse. I said there's no bad feelings. You're allowed to have them. You're allowed to feel helpless. You're allowed to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel angry. You're allowed to be pissed off. All those things are right and good.

What matters in those moments is what's your next right move? What's your next right action? Thank you for the call. I'll be here all the way through. If he wants to call me, tell him. Call me. I'd love to talk to him. You both are pretty special. We come back. A woman asks how to talk to her daughter about her weight without hurting their relationship. All right. I've got three dogs and me and my wife and my kids, we love our dogs. And when they're not okay, nobody in our house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick and we can't find the help that we need. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet teleaalth service. gives you 247 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere, on the road, at home, wherever you happen to find yourself.

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Not much. So, I will just get started. So, I have a beautiful amazing 14-year-old daughter who from the time she was little has was, you know, always been average to slim and then she hit puberty and wasn't anymore. Like it. So, the for the past 3 years, I've just tried to lovingly support her, but I can just feel it like every time I try it doesn't go very well, I don't feel like. So, I backed off and I just don't want I feel like in 10 years from now, she's either going to say, you know, how come you didn't help me more or you helped me too much and now I have an eating disorder and I just don't know how to how to help her.

So, so how old is she? She's 14 now. So, she's gained a lot of weight all of the sudden.

Yeah, I would say the last three years. Yeah. she hit puberty and just went from being slim and she just gained weight and quickly like um stretch marks and I would like ask like you know does it bother you? Do you want help? No. No. And and I just can't believe that's true. I feel like she already struggles um with like self-worth stuff and like on top like school is a struggle, making friends is a struggling like and then this on top of it and I just I don't want to push too hard. I don't want to not help. I don't cuz I know she's beautiful but I just want her to feel like that. H

what makes you feel like she doesn't think she is other than you pointing out specific things? I just feel like she's always down on herself. She's just always kind of had that glass half empty and I don't feel like she feels confident. And she'll she'll make comments. I don't like the way I look in this. I don't like so I know that that you know and I always tell her she's beautiful but I just don't know how to make her feel it.

Well, a you can't make her feel anything. That's fair. You can root yourself so deep into your own self-securedness that she feels loved,

okay, and seen and known. But I if if kids grow up real fast sometimes, like they shoot up.

Yeah. Like at different paces and kids get stretch marks and I grew what? Seven inches in seventh grade. I still have that.

Like it it's it's a part of my life, right? I can tell you if my mom or my dad had been like, "Whoa, does that bother you?" That would have been when it started bothering me. You get what I'm saying?

Yes. But she would make com and she does make comments. She's like, "I hate these stretch marks." And so I try to just like, you know, I'm like, "Do you want help with your weight?" Cuz like I know like and it maybe comes from me. I like I listen like my sisters really struggled with the way my parents helped them. I didn't personally struggle a lot. Like I've always had to watch what I eat and whatever. But

and I don't want that cuz But let me ask that. I don't want that to ruin my relationship.

Do you have a house where everybody's been on a diet for a long time? No. Okay. So I right, wrong or indifferent when a teenager, especially a young teenager and especially a young girl teenager put something on the table like um I don't like X about me. I don't like I got too big of a forehead or I don't like my skin or my hair is too stringy or whatever.

Okay. A if you lie to them, they know it and they lose your trust. And so if you have a kid with a ginormous forehead and you go, "No, you don't. No, you don't. They are the the meta there is, I can't trust that person."

Okay. And the second thing piece of this that I always hang on to tightly is those are questions of do you still love me? Not can you fix this? You get what I'm saying?

Okay. So if you have if your daughter comes in and says I've got these stretch marks and I hate them. You can say yesesh. Yeah. Do you want to help with that? Or get over here. Let me hug you.

Okay. Yeah. And if she asks, "Gh, I wish there was something we could do, maybe the question is, as you as you get older and your body settles into itself, I'm always here for you."

Yeah. Or maybe you say, "Gh, have you seen my toes? They've driven me crazy since I was a kid." Right. because they're my my third and fourth tour webbed or what I'm making something up here. But

right, but what what what we're doing here is we are entering into I'm with you not because you have a thing wrong with you and I can see that it's wrong and man I've got some money right now. I can fix it for you and more the question that's being asked really is do you still love me and have you felt this too?

Okay. So like when she does like so she's come to me and you know after a while was like okay I do want help. So I kind of like tried like hey let's be more active like what can you do after school or whatever and then she just kind of doesn't do those things anymore and I'm like okay should I make her should I push it or just

I I would ask the question to my 13-year-old or 14year-old tell me what help looks like.

Okay. teach me about the help that you would like. And you allow them to begin to unpack or actually the help I need is just more hugs.

Okay. Yeah. Or actually the help I need is will you still tell me I'm beautiful when I don't think I am? And I think for fixers like you, like me, we jump to, all right, here's a nutrition plan and here's a here's a whatever,

right? That's what I want to do, but it doesn't seem like maybe that's what she wants.

Well, and and let me ask you this. Um, you you've probably heard this saying, more is caught than taught. What does healthy living look like with you and your and your I'm Are you married?

Yes. Okay. What does what does healthy living look like with you and your spouse? So, both of us, like my husband's an avid, like he works out every morning. He's very disciplined in that way. Mine looks a little different. Mine's more physical therapy cuz I don't walk well. I've got my own, but and we do. And like we always have healthy options, have good meals, but we enjoy stuff, too. Like, I would say it's pretty average.

Okay. Is there any part of your husband's crushing and killing it discipline that rubs off on her as failure? He is like he does bring it up a lot not to her but like in his own like oh I shouldn't have eaten that or oh I need to do better and

well just just know that kids metabolize those type of sentiments and their feelings are bigger roller coasters and their emotions at that age are so amplified

yes that yeah it gets it can get internalized in a really profound way and I'm not even trying to shame your husband husband. He's probably trying to help.

Yes. And I I really think he is. But I I I will tell you as somebody who struggled with this sort of eating most of my life, I'm super grateful for when I would say things like gh I look fat in this shirt that my wife at an early my kids early age would say stop. A that's not true. And B, if that's how you really feel, keep that to yourself right now.

Okay. Yeah. cuz I don't want a 13-year-old their default setting to am I fat in this shirt,

right? So, we can make those comments, but we just need to keep them with ourselves and not in front of her or her brothers.

Well, even deeper than that, if there is a belief that those are true, that air is what your home will breathe.

Yeah. Yeah. And so if your husband genuinely thinks, I should not have eaten that because he got up and worked that works out every day and he mostly eats a healthy food all the time and then he had a piece of cheesecake and his first response is I shouldn't have eaten that. Then he's got challenges he needs to deal with.

Yeah. Cuz that's factually not true, right? I've had ice cream with some of the fittest people on the planet.

Right. Yeah. So that in of itself tells me there's the air that's being breathed in that house. Now that doesn't change the fact that you're watching a 13-year-old girl whose body is changing so fast, so quick.

Yes. Both internally and externally. And you know this from your childhood, especially girls bodies change in really remarkable wild ways. She could just as easily grow three more inches and suddenly transform again, right?

Yeah. Maybe not. But that all that could happen. I'm way more concerned about a the actions and behaviors and words of the adults in the house.

Yeah. B that my kid knows they are anchored in love. Period. And I am not going to put my concerns, my personal issues with myself, with my body, with my mind, with my discipline, with my actions. I'm not going to dump it on my child. I'm going to live it out. And you get the difference.

Yeah. Yep. And so if you look and see, my goodness, if I had those stretch marks, I would be too super embarrassed about them. A, that doesn't make you crazy or a bad mom.

Right. Right. That doesn't make you somehow dysfunctional, and B, that's not something you pass along to a 13-year-old girl.

Okay? Right. And so the question I have for you is, what does repair look like? Now, if there are things that you go, "Oh god, I wish I hadn't said it like that. I I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be helpful and I tried to fix something." And really what she was asking is, "Do you still love me?" Like, Right.

Yeah. If you could think of a few things, I would take your daughter out to breakfast, take your daughter out for a walk

and say, "I'm trying. I'm I'm trying to love you in real time, and I've messed up a few things, and so can I have a control altdelete on this?" What are you talking about, mom? Okay.

And be like, "Yeah, I need you to understand from the depths of my being." And by the way, if you can put your hands on both side of her face and stare directly into her spirit through her eyes,

okay? And say, "You are the beautiful woman. You're turning into a beautiful woman, and I think you're stunning." And when you are uncomfortable, I love you so much, I get uncomfortable. And I need you to know that I love you to the moon and back. And so does your dad. And we both say dumb things sometimes because we have our own insecurities. And if you ever want to know about them, I'm happy to tell you.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. And then say that I will help you. I'll walk alongside you. I will love you. The any way you need me to show up for you, I will. But I'm going to default to what I know to be true, which is you are beautiful and you are 13 and your body's gone haywire.

Right. Has she started her period yet? Oh, yeah. A couple years ago. Okay. How did How did that conversation go with you, too?

Good. We've always been very open. Cool. And I like had it in her backpack. She had like a little zipper thing. I said, "When this comes, you know, if it happens at school, call me or you have the stuff to take care of it." Yep.

Perfect. And so that's a great like you can say like hey remember we talked about this and remember we talked about that those things we talked about this thing and the first time we had to go bra shopping like all those things.

Let this be another one of those developmental conversations which is you need to know I've got your back. I've got your I am the foundation with which you can anchor into. And then maybe she's 13 so that she's old enough to say my parents messed this up with Aunt Judy and Aunt Susan and they still are complaining about it to this day. I don't want I I I don't want that's not going to come between us.

So just talking about I guess I've just been scared to like So I just made like little comments and I've been just scared of it and I just need to just say it. I mean, you just hit it right on the head because teenagers espec little kids especially and teenagers especially especially they enter into am I safe and am I loved and am I still okay in little rarely in these big blowups it's usually little um what the like the Gottman's in in in terms of marriage we'll call them bids little tiny bids for am I still okay here am I still okay here and so I hate these stretch marks. Mom, I hate that you are frustrated with parts of your body. I've been there, too. It's the worst.

Yeah. Come give me a hug. And then the next question, if it is, more than likely she'll just drop her head in the middle of your chest and you can hold her.

Yeah. But if she says, "Gh, I wish there was something we could do." You can say, "Well, right now I'm going to hug you cuz I think you're beautiful." And then later on when the emotion of that moment has distilled when you're tucking her tucking her in at night, y'all are grabbing coffee together because starting now y'all are going to start having coffee once a week or or breakfast once a week.

Yeah. And then you're going to say, "Hey, you said is there something you can do? I want you to tell me about that." And then if she says, "My goodness, I wish there was a surgery. I wish there was a thing." And you could tell her, "Hey, you're going to grow up and you're going to keep growing and these stuff will fade over time. There's parts of my body I wish I could walk. You know, you can be really vulnerable with her. Yeah.

And then give her a lifeline. When you're 18 and your body's kind of settling into itself, maybe. But right now, you're an amazing 13-year-old girl, and it's just stinks that it's awkward for us.

Right. Right. Okay. All of that is telling her one major thing, which is I'm right here in this mess with you and I love you and there's not a thing you can do to where I won't love you and think you're beautiful. And yes, I I have parts of me that I'm not super happy with either. All of us are like that. All of us are like that. And also, I'm not going to lie, be like, I don't see those stretch marks at all. I don't see them cuz that's not true. You do. And I'm not going to also make a face and be like gh right I'm not going to do that. So it's anchoring all the way back and then yeah have a hard conversation with your husband. I am grateful eternally that my wife had that conversation with me multiple times because I was taking my challenges with who I saw in the mirror and I was handing them to my kids and say hey y'all carry this too. And that God help them. That's not their job. It's not

their job. And I'll tell you, there's been seasons when my son will look a little pudgier and then he grows seven inches the next two weeks, right? And so those concerns I had with kid number one, I'm not going to have those with kid number two because life bodies are just changing so quick and their emotions, all of it. But I just want to say this, thank you for loving your daughter. I want to get this one right. That says a lot about you as a parent. That's awesome. This is a time for connection and vulnerability, not for the right weight loss weight loss program. And when a kid comes to you, a teenager comes to you and says, "Can you help me with X?" The next question should always be, "Talk to me about what help looks like?"

Like if when you say the word help, what does that mean? And let them answer that. Let them give you some clues as to whether they want a workout plan or they want a nutrition plan or they want mom to sit by them on the couch and remind them I still love you. They want dad to come in and just be like, "My goodness, 13-year-old daughter, you're so beautiful. I can hardly stand it." GH, I'm so glad I'm not 13 anymore. Thank you for the call, Jill. You're amazing. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her mother she's no longer comfortable with moving her in.

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Hi Dr. John. How are you? Hi. I'm doing pretty good. Excellent. What's up? Well, I was hoping you could help me to um figure out how I can tell my mother that I no longer feel comfortable moving her into my home after some recent events revealed a major misalignment of what I consider some pretty core values.

Oo. Tell me why was she going to move in? Well, um my mom has is financially unstable. She has she lived with her mother for a long time up until uh my grandmother passed away. And my mom has been able to kind of live on her own for a few years through her employment and through other uh means that she's able but she has lost her job and has had some physical um problems where she's not able to work full-time anymore and she just doesn't bring in enough to live on her own. And I have told her for years that, you know, she'll never be without a home. That as long as I have a home, she'll have a home. And now I'm feeling conflicted in that. And I was hoping you could help me.

Yeah. What What happened that you just flipped that switch and you were like, "No, that's not going to happen." Well, I have um a young adult niece, my mother's grandmother or excuse me, my mother's granddaughter who um she she got her was due to have her second abortion. And um this came to light. My mom called me when I was in the road and mentioned that she was going to be taking my niece that afternoon to have um her second abortion. And I was shocked and I mean I knew that this had happened before. And when it did happen, I prayed on it and I promised myself that I would say something that I would try that I would reach out to my niece and do whatever I could to try to convince her otherwise and to explore support and some other avenues to to save her baby. And um when my mom failed to reach out to any of the people that love my niece and that who could potentially support or help her when she

just decided to go ahead and take her to do that. Um I goodness I mean I remember my mother holding my babies and I just I can't it's like this can't be the same person. And so I'm just feeling so conflicted. Um, and I I did speak to my mother since writing you. Um, and

tell me how that went. Um, you know, it didn't go great. I feel like my mom is willing to pretty much say anything just to kind of have peace back between us. I know that I'm a lifeline for her. Um, and I I love my mom. I love being with her. I want my children to have a relationship with her, but this it makes it feel almost unsafe. Like

if she had taken my daughter without getting exploring every avenue to help her, to help save her great grandchild. I and um she just she kind of stands on she's doubling down like it's she says it's not her place it wasn't her place to that that it's my niece's decision and I agree it's her choice. Um but my mom feels it wasn't her place to reach out beyond I don't know to anyone it seems and I just feel like you know burn it

this yeah I mean this is one of those um I think this is the reason or one of the reasons why this is such a flashoint issue which is you have people on one side of the building saying hey I cannot partic participate in the death of a child. And then you have somebody on the other side saying in this p in this adult, your your niece, in her moment of need,

I'm not going to leave her stranded. I will I I will be here with you. And in your mind, you go to I have a picture of my mother holding my kid. And your mother may also have pictures of herself standing so alone in certain scary moments of her life.

Yes. And so it's it you end up having a war, but two people are holding different pictures in their mind. That's what makes it so complex. It's so black and white on either side.

Yeah. Right. And so the question I think for you is you may be having a conversation about this unborn child and your grand grandmother or I mean your mom is having a conversation about her own terrified scared to death 22-year-old self.

Yeah. Right. And you all just looking at the exact same issue from different different places. The question you have to answer is there is um what I thought you were going to say was you found out your mom has like a major drug addiction or something like there's an ongoing behavior and presence that I cannot have in my house for the safety of me and my kids.

This sounds like and and I don't want to distill it so much but a punishment. you did this thing and that disqualifies you from this thing I was going to give you. And here's the deal, you can 100% do it cuz it's your house. And if there's a a secondary issue here, or maybe it's the a first tier issue, which is I can't put you in proximity to my kid because you have proven to me that if one of my kids comes to you, you will default to them and not to their support network. That's a legitimate concern. Just happened right in front of you.

Yeah. But it's getting to the deeper thing, which is I don't want her here because she did this thing and I can't forgive her for it or in your mind I can't reward you with the room in my home for it. If that's the case, own that fully. Or if it is, you have set a precedent. Now, let's take abortion off the table because it's such a third real topic. Um please

she bought beer for other teenagers somewhere and she can't figure out that it's wrong. She just wants them to have a good time. And you're like, "Mom, I can't bring you into this house. I've got teenagers here."

Yeah. That was that was her that was kind of her way of thinking growing up was, you know, you're better off to do it here than somewhere else.

There you go. And and so you're looking at the same problem from two totally different issues. And it's it's it's why we're having so much division culturally right now is because at some point one person or the other has to go around the issue and sit with the person next to them and either say, "I can't I can't be in your life because you did this thing. You crossed a line that that you can't uncross."

Yeah. or I definitely want to be in her life and want us to be part of our lives. I just don't I feel a hesitation um in welcoming that into my home. We um

when you say that when you say that is it I can't welcome somebody who is pro-choice into my house. I can't I can't invite somebody who would

when a when a child when a a young adult I don't know how this this this your niece says but when a young adult is reaching out for help that doesn't bring in everybody and just tries to solve it on her own like what's the what's the I can't bring that into my house what is the that be specific

um that for me is her unwillingness to seek support to seek the people support and when I'd mentioned that in our in our telephone all. She said, "Well, what were you going to do? You weren't going to help her." And that to me was like heartbreaking cuz it's like

I feel like she doesn't even know me. It's like, of course, I would help her. I would reach out. I would do internet searches and find, you know,

and and and her and she says that, you know, my niece is in a bad financial way. Um she does not take good care of herself. um and that she wouldn't be able to support a pregnancy. I I challenge that. I think that she would be able to I know that it would be hard, but I think that um you know, I'm trying to think about her in the future and like her child and adoption and an open adoption. Um but you know, and it's it comes down to it. I just feel like it's not my place to say, but at the same time, like if it were my daughter, like that's that's our lineage. That's our family. And like it goes against it goes against what I feel is inherent in us to protect our family.

Okay. So go go one layer deeper. Can we go one layer deeper beneath this? Mhm. [clears throat]

How many times over the course of the last 30 years has your mom completely blown you off? Can you tell me what you mean by completely blown me up? Like just disregarded my feelings or um uh I'm I'm trying to think of a no. Let me say it like this. This woman who is your mom now, you've been struggling with your relationship with her since you were little. Fair?

Yes. Okay. And you've made a whole bunch of really clear decisions over the years to not be like that. Fair.

Yes. And now, are you married? Yes. Okay. You have a good marriage. I do. Okay. You worked your butt off for that good marriage cuz you didn't have a picture of what one even looked like. Fair.

That is true. Okay. You have made choice A, choice B, choice C, all the way to choice Z. and your life is bearing the fruit of that. You have a good marriage. You got a Y'all aren't worried about where your next meal is going to come from. If one of y'all was to get laid off, y'all would be okay cuz you got each other. You have a relationship with your daughter that you dreamed of having with your mom. Fair?

I'm trying. Yeah. Okay. And so pretend you were a car mechanic for 25 years and everyone in the community came to you for car care and then you got your mom over here that's like, I ain't going to you. You're just going to lecture me about the breaks. That's devastating because the fruit of how hard you have worked is right there. And your neighbors eat from that tree and your kids eat from that tree and your own freaking mom won't.

And now we have this huge huge issue that goes against your core who you are. We take care of the kids in our line and she's like, "Nah, I'm going to take my car somewhere else."

But she wants to park in my garage. That's exactly right. And you've told her for the last 20 years, you'll always have a garage to park in.

Yes. Yes. You know, I've had that picture in my mind of my mom. You know, I've made room for that picture in my mind of my mom in my home and like us helping each other.

I know. But in that picture, that picture was 2D. It wasn't 3D. Yeah. Right. And when you painted the picture, you left out the part.

I [clears throat] feel like to make it work, I will have to ignore this part of myself.

There you go. And my husband is very supportive. He's, you know, this is what we do for family. You know, we we promised early on that we would take care of our parents, that we would not put them away, that we would not, you know, that we would do everything we could to make sure our parents were safe and comfortable and well cared for.

Okay. Point blank. Yep. And I feel like I'm going against that. And so I have to compartmentalize this this I don't know. And

so anytime I get stuck in an eitheror position, I always force myself to back up. I have to take this job or not take this job. I have to move here or I have to not ever move again. Right? Anytime I back myself into a corner like that of an eitheror, I force myself through an exercise of putting at least three to five other variables on the table. And they might be nuts, but I at least force myself. And what that exercise proves to me is I'm not backed into an eitheror. And so here's what some of those might be for you.

Okay, we can get you a one-bedroom apartment and we're going to do that for 24 months, but you can't be here. We are going to cover your health insurance, but you can't come here. You can come here and if this particular XYZ happens in my house, then you are choosing as an adult to leave my home. So, I'm going to bring you here, but I have to fully be myself in this house. I I But forget the abortion issue. I don't think what like talking to you now.

I think her moving in makes you brings you all the way back to 12-year-old you.

I've always been the peacekeeper in the house. That's right. So, I've I've witnessed a lot um with my siblings and that more so their struggles with my mom. Um, I've always just kind of like gone along to get along and nothing ever seemed like important enough to really rail against her. Um, this however just feels so much heavier than anything else and I I can't I promised myself I wouldn't be silent.

Okay. And you have to ask yourself what is what does being silent here mean? Does it because you're at a crossroads with core values? I have a core value that is I will always take care of my mom no matter what.

Yeah. And I have another core value which is if a child is in distress, we bring in everybody to help.

Right. I have another core value which is I am adamantly pro-life. Especially especially when it comes to my family.

So these these are all crashing together. Yes. And so I guess I want you to hear me say that for a peacekeeper, you're not going to have quote unquote peace, especially initially in any decision you make moving forward.

Right. Yeah. So make peace with the fact that there's not going to be peace moving forward here.

Right. Right. And so you have to choose your heart here. I think if I was in your same situation, I would be honest about um and I intentionally, nobody knows where I stand on a lot of these quote unquote issues because I care a lot about the hurting person in front of me. So, I'm not making an issue statement. I'm saying if there was some things in my life that violated core core values. I I'm going to be honest. What I hear the deepest fear is this big flashoint thing with taking care of your niece reignited in you. I'm about to bring this woman into my home and she's going to have direct access to her granddaughter, my daughter, and I can't give her access to another child again cuz I've worked too hard. I've seen too much of the of the damage this woman leaves in young people with my sister who refuses to talk to her, my other sibling who is in and out of jail.

And so this is a moment where the fantasy that 2D picture you had you had created, you had painted for yourself, which is one big happy family, it proved yet again this isn't one big happy family. And then we got to grieve like bloody hell that picture that we painted because it's not true. It's not real. And now we got to paint another one. And that's where dumping these things out on the table and somebody who's awesome, whether it's a a couple of good girlfriends or your husband can hold it with you while you just kind of it's it's like I'm dumping out a puzzle pieces and you're kind of separating them into the ends and the the middles and the picture of the giraffe and the picture of the lion. You're separating these pieces out and that's you just kind of sifting through your values.

Who who are we as a house going to be? And we are somebody who fill in the blank. And that sounds to me like y'all might be somebody who's going to spring for half of a one-bedroom apartment or someone who's going to spring for a one-bedroom apartment for this many months. But I can't have you around my daughter. I'm not going to put her through what I've spent 25 or 30 years healing from and it's still right in front of me. I just saw it happen with something else. Or you say, "One of my values is [sighs] I can be deeply disgusted by somebody and they can still pull up to a seat at my table." That's when your values cool.

Knock your lights out. But I I want you to own the depth of it and understand there's not going to be just a lot of ah when you come up with this quote unquote next right move. The next right move is often very painful. The next right move is often uncomfortable. That's what I see in your future here. Values are tough especially when those we love and have promised ourselves we take care of crash up against them. It's the messiness. But congratulations on changing your family tree. It's pretty impressive what you've pulled off and what you continue to do.

Seek to be whole moving forward for you, for your husband, for your daughter, and for your mom. We'll be right back. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized with less clutter, less stress, and why are we doing this? Because we want more peace. And here's one area I want you to focus on this year. your digital footprint. And that's why I recommend delete me. Every time you fill out a quick form, grab a discount, or sign up for something quote unquote free online, your personal information, things like your name, your email, your phone number, and your address. All that gets collected, sold, and shared behind your back by data brokers. Over time, this turns on the fire hose of spam calls, weird text, and scam emails. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it taken down and they keep it gone. It's like setting healthy boundaries for your

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All right, Kelly. Am I the problem? Go for it again. Yes. Disagree. Answer this question a lot. Go ahead. Go ahead.

All right. So, this is from Roseanne in Somerset, Pennsylvania, and she writes, "I've been married 37 years. Recently, my husband's brother has been dating a woman that my husband had a one night hookup with before we were married. SO, [screaming] WE'RE TALKING LIKE ALMOST 40 years ago, they had a hookup.

Yes, it's still awkward her showing up after all these years. And now my family events are not comfortable. We have not attended any of them since they started dating. Everyone says it's in the past, but it's not quite in the past when it's back in your face. I feel this is disrespectful as his spouse for me to have to be in the same room. My husband feels the same as well. Same way as well, but he's still not sure that I'm being that I'm being reasonable. Everyone else sees this as no problem. So, am I the problem?

Oh, man. I have a knee-jerk reaction, but you go first. What do you think? It's been 40.

That's what I'm saying. Yes, you're the problem. Let it go. Yeah. As I mean, at this point, we just laugh about it and move on.

Don't hold it back anymore. Let it go. We're done. I mean, it's it was a one night stand. She says one night hookup

40 years ago. Let it move on. He's been with you for 40 years. You won. You won. You got him.

Now, to me, this is different if she he had an affair with her 10 years ago when they were married. That's a different discussion. But it's not. They had a one night hookup 40 years ago.

40. I mean, do we all want to be, you know, I mean, I don't want to be held accountable for what I did 20 years ago, you know, or 30 years ago or whatever because we we're different people and we make mistakes or even if it wasn't a mistake, it was 40 years ago before they were married. Yeah, you gota just exhale on this one. Just exhale on this one. Let it let it ride. Roll your eyes. You won. You won. You got him. 40 years. You got him.

And maybe they need to just get it out in the open. Let's all make the joke. Say the funny thing. Move along. You know, let's call it out. Dude, I tried to [groaning] 40 years.

It's time. You were 50 at that age. And I hate you. Yeah. 40. Like, yeah. Let it let it ride. Let it ride. If if you if if you There's not even any ifs. Let it ride. Go on about your life. You're hanging on to stuff. You're you're picking up 40-y old bricks and choosing to carry them in your present day. You won. You got the guy. Just roll your eyes. And when you make eye contact with your brother-in-law's new girlfriend, you can just wink at her and be like, "I got him." Ha.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Mary (Guest), Jill (Guest), Elaine (Guest).

What is "I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me" about?

The main topic addresses a woman's concern about balancing life changes due to health issues and the fear that her husband will eventually resent her for it. The discussion explores strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship amidst significant personal challenges, emphasizing the importance of communication and emotional support.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including John Deloney, Jeremy John Mary, Jill, Eller Danlos syndrome, Niece, POTS. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me"?

The episode runs 1 h 4 min; the transcript is about 11,073 words in 184 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.