I Miss My Daughter’s Cheating Husband

What this episode is about

The content discusses the emotional turmoil experienced by a parent following the infidelity of their son-in-law, who struggled with unresolved trauma from his mother's death and ultimately chose not to continue his marriage. The narrative highlights the disconnect between outward appearances of a strong marriage and the hidden challenges, emphasizing the complicated feelings of betrayal and loss in family relationships.

Key takeaways

• Supporting a loved one through trauma isn't about solving their pain but standing beside them in it.
• Infidelity can stem from unresolved grief, but it's never an excuse—trust is a fragile thing.
• Parents can't erase their children's hurt, but they can teach resilience through unconditional love and open dialogue.
• Loving someone means giving them space to heal; sometimes, just being 'there' is the strongest thing you can do.
• The illusion of a perfect marriage often masks deeper issues—perception vs. reality can be heartbreakingly deceiving.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Deloney Dolan (Host)

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Infidelity, Trauma, grief, Together
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Infidelity, Parenting adult children
3. 9:00 – 12:00: Together, Deloney Dolan
4. 12:00 – 15:00: anger, Emotional safety
5. 15:00 – 17:19: grief, Together, anger, Parenting adult children

Notable quotes from "I Miss My Daughter’s Cheating Husband"

• My son-in-law exposed that he never had gotten over the trauma of his mother passing as a teenager and he was in having some infidelity issues and wasn't clear with that. I guess during what he said.

  about Trauma · at 0:05

• He chose repeatedly to cheat on your daughter. And he chose repeatedly and finally to leave your daughter high and dry to leave his marriage.

  about Infidelity · at 3:20

• But what you're teaching her is, I'm right here. And also, I trust you.

  about Trust · at 7:13

• Friend Deloney. Dolan is going to go in swinging and punching people before I even asked him to. And he gave me a very thoughtful, kind, loving, spiritual answer.

  about Deloney Dolan · at 9:56

• That tells me you've created a world where y'all's home, your home is homebased for her. It's safe. You're a safe person for her.

  about Emotional safety · at 12:54

• And so, take the time to be right in your anger.

  about grief · at 15:15

• Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

  about Together · at 17:12

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Deloney Dolan — Person · Referenced person (likely the host speaking in third person) · 1 mention · first at 9:54
  Name used in an anecdote to describe the speaker’s temperament (“go in swinging”), reinforcing the episode’s guidance about being careful when speaking about an ex-partner.

Products & tech

• Together — Product · Sponsor + host-owned product promotion · 4 mentions · first at 0:03
  Used as the episode’s sponsor framing and closing CTA; positioned as the host’s marriage app with daily relationship action steps.

Concepts & topics

• grief — Concept · Core topic · 3 mentions · first at 2:00
  Central theme discussed in relation to dealing with loss and betrayal within family dynamics.
• Infidelity — Concept · Core topic · 3 mentions · first at 0:15
  Discussed as a cause of family breakdown and emotional trauma.
• Trust — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 2:48
  Highlighted as a foundational element in relationships that was broken.
• Parenting adult children — Concept · Strategy · 2 mentions · first at 5:20
  Discussed as a challenge in supporting adult children through personal crises.
  And few things are more powerful for a kid, whether they're 25, 35, or 10.
• anger — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 14:47
  Presented as a natural and necessary emotion in response to betrayal.
  Like you might have you might have thought anger is a not nice emotion. I want you to tell you anger is a great powerful wonderful loving emotion. It simply directs you towards…
• Trauma — Concept · Core topic · 2 mentions · first at 0:07
  Discussed as a background factor in the son-in-law's behavior.
• Emotional safety — Concept · Framework · 1 mention · first at 12:56
  Implied as a necessary condition for healing and support within the family.
• marriage counseling — Concept · Strategy · 1 mention · first at 0:30
  Mentioned as an attempted solution to marital problems.
  He tried three years in marriage counseling and just decided after five almost six years of marriage he didn't want to make it work anymore more with my daughter he was like a son to me and for about a year now.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. My son-in-law exposed that he never had gotten over the trauma of his mother passing uh as a teenager and he was in having some infidelity issues and wasn't clear with that. I guess during what he said he tried three years in marriage counseling and just decided after five almost six years of marriage he didn't want to make it work anymore more with my daughter he was like a son to me

0:48 and for about a year now we haven't had any you know we haven't seen him he never came to the home. He just wrote a letter and it's just been hard moving forward.

1:04 I'm so sorry. So, has he officially divorced your daughter? Um, the official date should be coming up in the new year.

1:12 Okay. She moved away uh to get a fresh start. like Yeah. And they were both strong what we thought beautifully ceremonial.

1:29 Hold on. Yeah. So, um like you know they were strong believers as what we saw and had good background. So we saw it and they were doing great.

1:41 It looked on the outside. So it's just been really it's been hard. Yeah, let me say this. Um, and this might sound like a bold statement, but I I hear in some of your question that you're feeling a little bit crazy. So, let me say this. Losing somebody that's important to you is devastating is not an excuse for infidelity.

2:09 Um, him losing his mom as a teenager is lifealtering. Everything in his life is different after his mom passes away. And that's not an excuse for that's why I cheated on your daughter, on my wife, so you're not crazy. And there's few things that feel more crazy. We we have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back, right? It feels awful and it changes our life and all that, but um we understand that intellectually. Most of us don't have a psychology for somebody that we thought we knew and that we trusted with our most precious thing, our kids. We don't have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the face.

2:58 And so you're right to feel disoriented and crazy. I thought I knew this guy. Yeah.

3:04 I treated him like a son. Cuz underneath your statements of I treated him well. I loved him. I welcome him to the family is a question you're asking yourself is what did I not do? And I want to tell you nothing. He chose repeatedly to cheat on your daughter. And he chose repeatedly um and finally to leave your daughter high and dry to leave his marriage. And so on this side of the ledger, I want to applaud you for being a great mother-in-law. I want to applaud you for being somebody who loved him and cared for him.

3:42 And I want to give you permission to be really really pissed off at him and really really heartbroken. How is it that I can help not bring that into the relationship with my daughter and help her heal? Because the more I ask questions, the more I feel I'm heaping coals on her head. I want to bring restoration for her.

4:25 Right. Right. Yeah. I'm a parent of a 15year-old boy, 15-year-old son becoming a young man. And I am the father of a 9-year-old about to be 10-year-old daughter. M and I'm just now I've known this intellectually for years. I'm just now metabolizing this. It's just now becoming real to me. And that is I can't take away my kids hurt. I can sit with them, but I can't take away pain like she's feeling right now. And I don't know a more powerless feeling as a parent than knowing your kid is hurting and knowing I can't take that away.

5:15 And one of the one of the things that I've had to learn as a parent of young kids that you're having to learn as a parent of adult kids is the more I try to take away true hurt, the more I'm teaching them and telling them, I don't think you are strong enough. I don't think you can handle life. And so kids respond in one of two ways. Young kids and grown-up kids respond to that sort of implicit message. You're not strong enough for this in one of two ways. They push you away and they say, "I sure can or I'm going to figure it out on my own." Or they overimesh. They move back in. You solve all of their problems. You pick up all their bills and they get the message loud and clear. I'm not strong enough to handle life.

6:11 Right. And so yeah, the balancing act for you is to say, "How can I love you right now?"

6:20 And trust your daughter to tell you what she is, what she desires to tell you, and you commit to checking up on her. And if she says, "Mom, I want you to keep asking me questions even when I don't want to don't feel like answering them," then you keep asking questions. And if she says, "Mom, these questions are too heavy for me right now."

6:43 I love that. Um, then say, "Cool. I won't ask any more questions." I like that.

6:50 And if she says, "I don't really know how you can help." Then be be very specific. I'm going to call you once a week, twice a week. I'm going to show up once a month to have coffee with you. And if you don't want to go or don't feel like you can go, then you just simply text me or call me and say, "Mom, not this week." And you'll say, "Okay, great." And you might hang up the phone and sob.

7:12 Yeah. But what you're teaching her is, "I'm right here." And also, "I trust you."

7:19 Right. And few things are more powerful for a kid, whether they're 25, 35, or 10. Right. Right.

7:29 Right. Which is I'm right here, and I'm thinking of my daughter. Somebody said something on a playground to you about your appearance or about whatever. I can't take away that hurt. I'll hold you though,

7:46 right? Somebody is going to break my son's heart. I know it. And the thought of that happening already enrages me. I want to go fight that w that girl's dad right now. And she doesn't even exist yet, right? But that communicates to him, I think you're weak.

8:10 Luckily, um, in our situation, my daughter daughter's very open and she's coming back on a regular basis, although she's a plane ride away.

8:22 Yeah. Um, luckily it's, you know, been okay, but it's more my asking the permission I think to ask questions to um trust your judgment and um yeah

8:44 and let me give you two guiding principles here okay and this is hard like what I'm going to to tell you is hard I'm just going to tell you I think this is the right path the first one is use the word road mapap will you give me a road mapap for how I can love you.

9:02 And she'll say, "What do you mean, Mom?" Say, "I would love to sit here and just talk bad about him cuz he's the worst. He hurt my daughter, but if that's not helpful, I won't do that." I I have a I have a close friend of mine whose wife died of cancer recently, and he's one of the most religious, spiritual men I've ever met in my life. He's like a north star for How I Wish I Was, okay? He's an amazing man. And when we were talking right after the funeral, I called him. We were talking and he was saying a bunch of I couldn't believe how present he was.

9:47 And I said, "Have you just started cursing and screaming to the heavens yet?" And he smile. I could hear him smile over the phone. He started laughing because he's like, "I that's my friend Deloney. Dolan is going to go in swinging and punching people before I even asked him to. And he and he gave me a very thoughtful, kind, loving, spiritual answer. And I said, "Well, I'm going to scream and curse this guy for you. How about that?" And he started laughing. And he goes, "I'm glad. Thank you." Right? But if he had said, "I actually what I want you to do is go love your wife insanely well for the next month for me," I would have done that.

10:32 So that's number one. Okay? Give me a road map for how I can love you. And I'm your mama, so I want to burn everybody to the ground who ever hurt you. And if that's not helpful, I won't do that. Or if you need somebody just to talk bad about him, I'll happily do that. right here. And here's part two to that. I'm going to sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. And this may not happen. It probably won't happen. But this guy is going to wander around in the desert for a while. And at some point, he may realize what he has lost, what he threw away.

11:11 Yeah. And I always tell people to be very careful about talking bad about somebody, an ex. when somebody finds out, you know, if if one of my close buddies, he called me and said his wife cheated on him and I just started rattling off, I knew she was always been like this and she and she and she, they may get back together one day and he can never unhear the things I said about his wife.

11:33 Right. Exactly. And so I don't talk bad about her. I spend most of my time saying, "How can how are you, man? I hate this for you."

11:42 Yeah. And I don't ever want to say something that can't be unsaid. Now, occasionally, I was talking to a buddy the other day and I said, "Hey, what your romantic partner is doing is cruel. It's mean." And I knew I'm taking a risk when I said that. I knew that, but it would it would have been dishonest for me not to say that,

12:02 right? And he can't unhear that. He cannot unhear what I said. And I took a risk with that one. I take that risk very sparingly, right? And so if you if you start badmouthing this guy and run him down, I always knew he was bad, he's the worst, and he shouldn't have. She may call you in a year and say, "Hey, we started talking again." And now she knows what my mama said about my my guy, right? And so it's just a it's just a delicate balance, a lot of which can be solved with, I want a road map for how I can best love you. And can I tell you something pretty awesome, Ann?

12:45 You said she's flown home and just to come crash at y'all's house. Mhm. Can I tell you what an amazing thing that is? That tells me you've created a world where y'all's home, your home is homebased for her. It's safe. You're a safe person for her.

13:02 Oh, definitely. Can I just applaud you and say well done Mom. Well, I'm just excited that all the traditions that were so dear to her heart are still there.

13:15 Yes, ma'am. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're you're passing it off, though. I want you to internalize what I'm saying.

13:23 Are you married? Oh, yeah. Yep. A long a long 40 years. Gross. Okay, so listen. Um, what that tells me is, yes, y'all created traditions and yes, y'all created stability.

13:39 Yeah. Yeah. But that also tells me that you and your husband created a world where your kids knew no matter what happens, you can come home.

13:50 Thank you. And God bless you, dude. Right. You can't take away her hurt. You can't take away the fact that she put her heart out on the line and said till death do his part and she married somebody who stomped all over it.

14:07 Right. That's pretty much how I feel. Like you should and you should be you should take some time to be really sad. Can I can I give you an exercise to do?

14:15 Sure. If you haven't already, I want you to write that man a letter. Do not mail it.

14:21 Yeah. Yeah. But I want you to get that stuff out of your body onto paper. Yeah. Here's what you did to my daughter. Here's what you did to the love me and my husband showed you. We took you in like a son and you crushed my daughter's heart. How dare you? Cuz you sound so kind that anger feels like um you might have you might have thought anger is a a not nice emotion. I want you to tell you anger is a great powerful wonderful loving emotion. It simply directs you towards something that you care about that is that should not be. Anger is good, but if you hold it in, anger over time becomes rage. And it either will kill you literally. It'll kill you. It'll shorten your lifespan.

15:07 It'll give you a heart attack, give you stroke, it will beat your body up from the inside out, or it will just erupt somewhere. And so, take the time to be right in your anger. Write it down. If you want to be a gangster, write it down. Your husband, write it down. And y'all read your letters to each other so you both don't feel like you're crazy. And your husband, his eyebrows may go up. Whoa, I didn't know that was in you, Ann. Or he may write down on a piece of paper, if I see you again, young man. Right? Like what I would write if somebody hurt my daughter like that, right? So, but y'all share that together. That's just called grief, man.

15:50 Grief. It's hard. It's awful. But I, man, it is an honor to get to talk to I don't want to call you an aging parent, but you're an adult aging parent who has adult kids. And your adult kids know when my world blew up, I could go talk to my mom. It's amazing. And you want to love her well right now. So, let her trust her as an adult. say, "I trust you to give me a road map of how I can love you right now." And if she says, "I just don't know, Mom," and say, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to call you once a week. I'm going to come visit you once every month, once a month, or whatever." And you tell me to stop, and I will stop, but I just want to be there for you. And don't use her to heal your hurt. That's your job. You and your husband, you all work through that on your own.

16:40 But man, you've done a great job with your sweet girl. And thank you for loving her husband well. And we don't have a psychology for when somebody we care about that we we've invited in stabs us right in the face. And when that happens, we just have to have grief. We have to be sad. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it.

17:12 Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "I Miss My Daughter’s Cheating Husband"?

Deloney Dolan (Host).

What is "I Miss My Daughter’s Cheating Husband" about?

The content discusses the emotional turmoil experienced by a parent following the infidelity of their son-in-law, who struggled with unresolved trauma from his mother's death and ultimately chose not to continue his marriage. The narrative highlights the disconnect between outward appearances of a strong marriage and the hidden challenges, emphasizing the complicated feelings of betrayal and…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

10 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including grief, Together, Infidelity, Trust, Parenting adult children, anger. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "I Miss My Daughter’s Cheating Husband"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 2,744 words in 43 timestamped sections.

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