Is It Wrong to Enjoy Sex With My Wife?

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on a man's internal conflict between his deep love and desire for intimacy with his wife and the guilt he feels due to the teachings of his Catholic faith, which emphasize that marital sex should primarily be for procreation. He seeks guidance on reconciling his enjoyment of their sexual relationship with the belief that intimacy should be solely linked to the potential for creating children.

Key takeaways

• Marriage: a sacred union or a guilt trip at the altar of pleasure? You decide.
• Baby-making rules in faith shouldn't overshadow marital joy—who says you can't have both?
• The sin of Onan: a guilt-laden myth or a misinterpretation of human intimacy?
• Religious scripts vs. marital bliss: where's the guide for enjoying each other?
• When pleasure feels wrong, it's time to rewrite your love manual—together.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together, Roman Catholicism
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Together, Onan
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Together
4. 9:00 – 12:00: Mind Pump, Lane Norton
5. 15:00 – 17:10: Together

Notable quotes from "Is It Wrong to Enjoy Sex With My Wife?"

• In my Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I in the strict Christian religion I hold I hold to I try to hold to the values which is every time you come together in communion of marriage you that's to create a baby. Now me being a.

  about Roman Catholicism · at 0:54

• No, no, no. I know. So what they go off in teaching about the theology of the body and human sexuality is that every time you come together, to have sex as a couple, you must…

  about Onan · at 4:51

• Like legit and good or my buddy Jordan SC like or Lane Norton like a real sciencebacked program by people who have trained people for years, right?

  about Lane Norton · at 10:09

• If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected,.

  about Together · at 16:48

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Lane Norton — Person · Referenced expert · 1 mention · first at 10:09
  Cited as a trusted, science-based fitness authority whose programs are presented as legitimate alternatives to unsafe 'influencer' workouts.

Companies & orgs

• Mind Pump — Company · Recommendation · 2 mentions · first at 10:07
  Mentioned as an example of a legitimate and science-backed workout program.
  Right now, if you do a mind pump workout, you do Jordan's workout, you do Lane's workout, you do like Knees over toes workout, all those are great programs.

Concepts & topics

• Roman Catholicism — Concept · Key argument · 2 mentions · first at 1:28
  Central to the discussion about the guest's feelings of guilt regarding marital intimacy and religious beliefs.
• Onan — Concept · Framework · 1 mention · first at 4:29
  Referenced in the context of religious teachings about marital intimacy and the sin of 'spilling the seed'.

Sponsors

• Together — Product · Sponsor · 6 mentions · first at 0:03
  The app is promoted as a tool to improve marriages, mentioned at the beginning and end of the episode.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. I've been married about 10 years now. We have uh three beautiful kids, another on the way, me and my wife. And yeah, I've the entirety of really my whole life, but my married life as well. I've always kind of had these questions in my head that I have a real deep love and attraction of my wife. Nothing held between us. We both desire each other like in every way. We're each other's first, you know, so we've always

0:38 Are you talking about sex? Sex. Yeah, exactly. I guess I should start with that. But yeah, we're we're each other's uh first and only sexual partners and we have always

0:50 never held anything back desire-wise. But in my Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I in in the strict Christian religion I I hold I hold to I try to hold to the values which is every time you come together in communion of marriage you that's to create a baby. Now me being a guy who's also very much

1:19 Yeah. So it's the point is we don't they don't my um my Christian values hold or not my Christian values my religion that I follow um is Roman Catholicism. So it's very much the approach is if you are going to you know come together in union it you have to be open to the possibility of children every every time you do unless

1:49 so are you like four for four right yeah well no not four for four okay but um my question is more how do I personally handle the feeling of guilt when I it's hard. It's guilt, but it's not really my guilt. It feels more like I should feel guilty that every time we do, I just sometimes want to enjoy my wife and she sometimes just wants to enjoy me. I don't want to be, you know, too descriptive, but you know, I don't think I have to go into it in detail for you to understand what I mean is sometimes I just love to be intimate with my wife and, you know, just please her and make her feel good. And

2:42 sometimes, every time. Okay, here's here's the thing. Um, I've got friends that are I I'm not Catholic. Right. Right.

2:56 Okay. My son goes to a Catholic high school. I've got loads of friends that are Catholic.

3:01 Right. Um what you're telling me is something I don't I don't know and I've never ever ever heard.

3:08 Right. I do have friends who their religious belief is anti-birth control. Yeah. Well, that that is a that is definitely something

3:19 which is like knock your lights out. We razz each other. We make fun of each other, but like I'm not going to like that is what that is for for them, right?

3:28 I have never in my whole life ever ever ever. And dude, the comments will tell me where I'm wrong here. I've never heard a secular, a Christian, a Mormon, a Muslim. I've never heard any faith tradition say that you're not supposed to enjoy sex with your wife ever.

3:52 Right. Well, and no, I wouldn't I wouldn't think that anyone would say that. But

3:57 that's what that's what you're telling me that you feel guilty that sometimes you don't want to make a baby. Yes.

4:02 And hopefully it's all the time. You just want to have sex and have it be awesome.

4:07 Yeah. Yeah. I want I want it to be awesome. Okay. Okay. Stop. Why do you think it's not okay for that to be the the case? be because the um and this is something that again I I have a lot of mixed feelings about is they um in in a lot of the teachings um you read about the sin of Onan. Onan is like spilling the seed, right? And they're like if it's

4:34 what are you talking about? I I' I've never I've literally I've been around faith traditions. I've spoke at bajillions of faith traditions. I I've I've worked at ecumenical faith-based universities with kids. I've never ever ever heard what you're saying.

4:49 That doesn't mean it's not true. No, no, no. I know. So what they go off in in teaching about the theology of the body and human sexuality is that every time you come together, you know, to have sex as a couple, you you must not um you must not spill your your seed as in it must go in the correct place to be able to make a child. If you are to orgasm and it does not, you know, um, come to the possible creation of a child, that would, you know, that would be a sin.

5:28 Okay. And so, let's do this. Yeah. I I can't speak to that. I've never heard that

5:36 that if you orgasm in the wrong way or in the wrong place, like I I I don't know what to tell you about that.

5:41 Right. What I can tell you, what I can address here is this. You are participating in a belief structure or in an organization or a sect of an organization that has given you a script for how you're supposed to do your life

6:02 and you are coming up against that script and saying a I don't believe it b it is causing a rift between me enjoying a fun, amazing life with one partner, ride or die,

6:20 right? And so at the end of the day, you have a choice to make. Mhm. And it's just that simple. It's that complicated and hard, but it's that simple,

6:33 right? And I think that's, you know, I think that's where I'm I believe that God gave us, you know, man and woman to enjoy each other and to not be in your head worried about all these these rules and things. And

6:50 I personally love life between me and you, I think you're right. Right. And I'm not asking obviously anyone's opinions on any religion because I I don't think that's a fair thing to ask you. I guess for me that was more of I feel like there's something wrong if I'm going in my head when this is the person I've committed my life to and

7:14 I think you're right. I'm always focused on her. Mhm. As long as your focus is how can I love her in the best possible way that she and has told me she wants to be loved,

7:28 right? And vice versa at the same time. And there's navigation there. There is there is, for lack of better words, is a bad word to use here, but there's compromise there. There's feelings and emotions and all that stuff is there.

7:41 Yeah. But I think you are 1,000% right. Well, awesome. I yeah that was I can't I cannot help you in any shape form or fashion with a belief structure a what your the way the particular religion you subscribed to has read these ancient texts and said this is what this means in the 21st century I can't help you with that right

8:06 that's a choice between you and your wife and your faith tradition right um but

8:12 yeah and and that's a good point that it's uh you So I I think that it's one of those things that some you you have a million different uh people and they all have a different opinion on it, you know, and it's like, oh, this this was taught here, this was taught here, and you know, it at the end of the day, I do really feel when ever since even before we got married, although no one would suggest that you you uh you know, before marriage is it's best to probably not have sex, but even though we had uh been together before it. I had chosen this is the person I'm going to love forever.

8:51 You know, we've been together 15 years almost and I I just I completely loved her and it always felt like for a lack of a better term, it didn't feel holy. Although it's like it's romantic and it's like it's it's awesome and it's amazing. This is the person I love forever.

9:08 Yeah. But again, hold on. You're you're creating a bunch of narratives around things. Mhm.

9:14 Okay. And so let's take sex off the table. Let's take religion off the table. Those are two really electric topics. Okay.

9:22 Mhm. If you purchase a workout program and you say, "I am going to do this workout program." And then you get into it and you're like, "Well, I don't really want to do this part of it. I want to do this part of it." You as an autonomous being are allowed to do that. But you can't walk around saying, "I do this workout." Because you don't,

9:51 right? And if every time you do that workout, but you do something different, you feel guilty and you hate yourself for it and you beat yourself up for it and it doesn't ring true to you. Let's say you bought one of those crazy Looney Tune influencer workout programs. Not one like from my buddies at Mind Pump that's like legit and good or my buddy Jordan SC like or Lane Norton like a real sciencebacked program by people who have trained people for years, right?

10:17 Let's say that's not what you got. You got one of these dorky in influencer like yeah like whatever, right?

10:23 Let's say you bought one of those and when you do the workout it hurts. You feel terrible.

10:28 It injures you. Then I would suggest stop doing that thing. That doesn't make sense.

10:36 Right now, if you do a mind pump workout, you do Jordan's workout, you do Lane's workout, you do um like Knees over toes workout, all those are great programs. If you do those, they're going to be really hard and there's going to be days you don't want to do it, but you're a part of this community. You're part of this system for a better for a long-term good, right? Mhm.

10:59 So, I'm not saying you stop doing things just because it's hard or it's uncomfortable or you don't like it or doesn't quote unquote feel good in the moment.

11:07 Yeah. Right. And nobody who follows a faith tradition or a religion, it it does it ever feel good all the time. Period.

11:16 Right. Right. Even if you're a Christian, uh Jesus was in the garden before he died and said, "Hey, is there no way we can do this?"

11:25 Yeah. He was cry. He was sobbing in front of his father. Right. And so, Exactly.

11:30 It's not always going to feel good. And that's part of life. That's part of sub uh be being a part of a tribe.

11:37 Exactly. But if you're walking away injured, you're walking away hurt, you're walking away knowing this is doing more damage to me, then a I would suggest you back up and stop doing that thing or at least be really thoughtful about it. And B, you can't walk around and tell everybody that's what I do because you're not doing that anymore.

12:05 Exactly. That's Yeah. And I think that's probably where the conflict is is that I need to I need to, you know, make sure is this something that I, you know, like to say a believe in and is this also something that

12:22 is a net good for me and my family, right? And and you know, I I think me and my wife do we do talk about everything. We we talk about this exact thing as well because um we we ultimately trust each other and everything and um I do want to be a good father and a good you know spiritual head of the house and that also goes with you know in in my life with my wife uh opening up everything every door with her you not not keeping any door closed and um

12:52 well all that all that's good but you're you're talking in really lofty distra like distency language Mhm.

13:00 And until you can let this center in the middle of your chest, I think you're going to struggle with connection to to the problem, to the issue, to your wife, to your faith.

13:11 Yeah. Right. Yeah. Cuz what you're running up against is I'm consider I consider part of my identity as a member of a particular religion.

13:22 Mhm. And at this point, I don't believe what this religion has taught me and is teaching me. And I don't believe it's a net good for me and my family, much less anyone else in that community.

13:36 Yeah. And now I have some really hard decisions to make that I want you to start at the identity level. Do I still believe in God? Yes or no? Do I still believe in the daily practice of prayer and meditation to this? Do I believe in taking a need of something bigger than me? Do I believe that I need to be part of a community that worships in somewhat the same way? Yes. But can I continue to go to this particular building with this particular set of leaders who have taught me this particular thing that is a net negative?

14:17 I I've never I honestly again I got to circle back. I've never heard of what you're saying. Um that doesn't mean I'm right. It just means I've been around all different types of faith for decades and decades and decades and I've never heard this one. Doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything other than I've never heard this. Um, but I want you to not use like big lofty distency language as though you're trying to sound smart and sound elevated and blah blah. Like I want you to be honest about where this is going to impact you. is going to impact you in your spirit right in the middle of your chest. It's going to change the question. It's going to change the answer of who am I?

15:02 And when you change who am I, that impacts the actions you take to build into that identity that you've created for yourself that you've that you've stated publicly. And so that's what that is. But to answer your original question, I would hope you and your wife are having the time of your life. Life is hard. Life is tough. And sex and intimacy is sometimes the only one of the only places where we have human connection and play and the aeros and where you get to kind of step out where you get to fully be seen and known and experienced and where things get messy and things get confusing like all that, man. It's all good stuff.

15:55 But yeah, dude. Entering into that moment with your wife of of a decade or more or whatever. Y'all got four kids. And trying to follow like a road map or a chart. Yeah, that's a recipe for not ever being fully present with somebody. In fact, that's a recipe for using somebody. And that never ever leads to a good connected marriage, a good sex life, or ultimately peace. So, that's what I got to say about that. Best of luck to you, brother. You got some hard decisions to make, but um it sounds like you're already there and you want my permission. I can't give that to you. That's between you and your faith tradition and your wife, but that's just my opinion on that one. I don't really I don't know how to end it, but best of luck to you, brother. That's that's best I can say.

16:48 If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it. Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

What is "Is It Wrong to Enjoy Sex With My Wife?" about?

The discussion centers on a man's internal conflict between his deep love and desire for intimacy with his wife and the guilt he feels due to the teachings of his Catholic faith, which emphasize that marital sex should primarily be for procreation. He seeks guidance on reconciling his enjoyment of their sexual relationship with the belief that intimacy should be solely linked to the potential…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

5 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Roman Catholicism, Onan, Lane Norton, Mind Pump. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Is It Wrong to Enjoy Sex With My Wife?"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 2,819 words in 55 timestamped sections.

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