Transcript
My Future Mother-in-Law Is Pulling Us Apart
From The Dr. John Delony Show · Episode page · Watch on YouTube
· 19 min · 3,149 words · 55 timestamped sections
This is the full, timestamped transcript of "My Future Mother-in-Law Is Pulling Us Apart", an episode of The Dr. John Delony Show published February 3, 2026 (19 min, about 3,149 words). It mentions 2 people, works and ideas.
What this episode is about
The discussion centers on the challenges of navigating a relationship where one partner's mother is overly involved and controlling, raising questions about boundaries and the future of the engagement. Key points include the emotional toll this dynamic takes on the relationship, the need for clear communication about boundaries, and the potential for the fiancé's lack of assertiveness to indicate deeper issues in their partnership.
Key takeaways
- Engagements can become a tug-of-war when family ties transform love into a three-ring circus.
- The real problem? Not the mother-in-law—it's the fiancé's failure to cut the apron strings.
- Micromanagement from in-laws: a prime example of love's collateral damage in romantic relationships.
- Choosing silence over confrontation may be wisdom or weakness; context matters in family dramas.
- Navigating family dynamics reveals who truly holds the power—the partner or the meddling matriarch.
What is discussed, and when
Notable quotes from "My Future Mother-in-Law Is Pulling Us Apart"
Who and what is mentioned in this episode?
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Full transcript with timestamps
Brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. Should I break off my engagement if my fiance cannot put boundaries with his mother-in-law or with my future mother-in-law?
Oo, yikes. It doesn't sound like your future mother-in-law is super great, huh?
Not at all. All right. So, what happened that precipitated this phone call? Well, it's kind of been like cumulative. So, it's just little things that are adding up over time until I became like an explosive bomb and just said, "I can't take it anymore."
Okay. Um, but there's just a lot of micromanaging controlling um from her. She Yes, she texts or calls my fiance sometimes daily. Um, she wants to know a lot of she it's just very invasive. Um, and the way she treats him and me is like we're her child under her roof kind of thing. Like I don't think she understands the concept of leave and cleave very well.
Well, it sounds like he doesn't understand that. Yeah, that's true. She sounds like she's a mom that overly is overly a mess with her son.
Yeah. But she's just doing what he allows. Yes. He doesn't understand leave and cleave.
Or let me put it this way. She's just filling a relational vacuum. Yes. So the bigger the bigger thing is um twofold here. One, let's take her completely off the table. Okay.
Mhm. What you're really asking me, and tell me if I'm wrong here, is number one, is being in this relationship nudging you to become a person that you don't like or want to be? Number two, have you been clear with your fiance that this is important to me? and he has looked at you and said, "I know, but she's more important than you."
Because if behavior is a language, that seems to be what he's telling you, right?
But like if you if you nickel and dime it, like a mom who calls her son every day or text every day, that's different than me and my mom, but I don't I wouldn't necessarily that automatically means something's bad.
It seems like a lot, but isn't it? But like you said, it's cumulative. But if you have set your default setting to every call, I mean, every I think she's invasive. And so you'll see everything she does as invasive, but if it's spec it's if it's specific, she says we're not allowed to eat at this restaurant. She says we have to be at this place or she's going to cut off her son. She says that she doesn't like the clothes I wear. Then now we're getting into invasive. She says we're not he he's not allowed to buy this particular house in this particular town and he said my mom said I can't do that.
Now we have a problem. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. I guess what bothers me more than the invasive is like the manipulation. And can I give you an example?
I would love that. Yeah. Okay. So she called me and said it's urgent. So, I called her thinking it was urgent and she said that her and her husband checked the phone records and my fiance hasn't called them since May, which is not true. And she asked me if I know why he's not calling her as much. And she said, "We noticed a change about 2 years ago. Do you know what that could be from?" Well, that's when we started dating. Um, so
nice. Okay. So, this thing happened. And she said, "Can she said can you figure out what his problem is, but don't tell him I asked." And I said, "Well, if you have a problem with him or your communication, like you need to go to him directly. I'm not I don't do like the triangulation thing, so it's just that's not healthy and you would need to go to him directly." Perfect.
And she's like, "Well, I just don't understand why you can't talk to him for me and just don't tell him that I asked you." And I said, "Because I don't I don't do that." So great. That's it's a no.
Okay. So, somebody asked you to do something that was against your character, which I applaud you. Bravo. Bravo for not getting triangulated. Bravo for not holding secrets in your marriage. Awesome.
Um, what did he say in response to that? Did he immediately say, "I'm going to call my mom, dude. I'm sorry. I'm going to pick this. I'm" and and tell his mom, "Mom, don't ever call my fiance again like that."
Yeah. No, he didn't. So his he he agreed with me and said, "Yeah, that was that was wrong." Like I don't know why she did that, but his pattern is avoiding confrontation with his parents. And he I kind of watch as his nervous system shuts down and he kind of just goes into this blank space kind of thing. And so back to your original thing about he doesn't understand leave and cleave. I think the resentment that I have is less about his mother and more about him because I feel a lack of emotional safety and protection. Uh when I feel like I'm left to, you know, defend myself because his uh coping mechanism is to just avoid and not answer and just become kind of like stoic.
Okay, but let me push back on that. What if he has learned over 25 or 30 years that it's a complete and utter waste of time
and that it's it's a fight not worth fighting because it's unwinable. And if he told you, "Hey, if she texts you, just don't respond. Don't call her back because she's not mentally stable. She's not well."
What you're seeing, what you're calling resignation might be deep wisdom. Wow. You get what I'm saying? If she's going to call you and say that kind of crap, I can only imagine what she has said to him over the years,
right? And so what you see is shutting down might be him just putting the car into neutral because he's in the mud. I'm not just going to hit keep hitting the gas here.
That's a good point. And for me, I think in the beginning when I would confront him and say, "Hey, like that was really hurtful or what the way your parents like treated us was wrong or it didn't feel right. Can we talk about it?" He would get really defensive and say like, "Oh, they're just joking or um you just don't like my family." And then we would get in an argument. And now I think we listen to your show a lot and we've done couples counseling and so he's becoming more aware. I'm becoming more aware of what I bring to the table. And so recently we've had some good conversations um where he is less defensive and he's more more so like yeah I avoid it because like the best way to win is to not even play the game.
So I do I do see that there's wisdom in that. So I'm a big lifelong for before it became super famous I was obsessed with MMA, right? Even when it was like over in Japan it was Pride Fighting. Like I've I've been obsessed with mixed martial arts for a long time. And one of the keys of mixed martial arts is know your thing really well. Your discipline, the thing you're the best at. If you're a wrestler or you're jiu-jitsu person or you're a kickboxer or Muay Thai guy, like know your thing the best, and try to get your opponent to play that game.
And where I see fighters over the years get in a lot of trouble is their ego gets in the way and they're a world class wrestler, but they're fighting a great boxer and they decide to box with them and they get their head knocked off. And so I wonder if like it's by the way it's very very common, super common, especially in young relationships, but especially over time. Like I don't want you talking bad about my family. Great. Cool. Um, and so you as somebody who loves him needs to know the best way to communicate with him isn't to badmouth his mom.
That doesn't make him weird. And you figuring out a way you can tell him in a language he can hear, which is what like romantic communication is all about. It is, hey, I'm uncomfortable when your mom calls. What's a path that you have seen work over the years? and he would say, "Dude, don't return that call."
Which is what I would coach a fighter to say, "Hey, this guy keeps trying to take me down. Should I just wrestle with him?" And I'd be like, "No, he's going to kill you. You try to keep this fight standing as long as possible and try to sucker him into a boxing match." You get what I'm saying?
Mhm. So the deeper question for me is, and this is a hard question, when you see him as a man that you're considering becoming a unified team member with, ride or die, us two forever. Is he a person you want to be with forever? This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets collected, sold, and shared by data brokers. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information, and it gets it taken down. Start this year fresh with fewer distractions and more peace. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off your annual plan. Cuz here's here's what I'm hearing the subtext. Okay. Okay.
And you tell me I'm out to lunch and I'm a and I shouldn't even have a show. I'm so dumb. Feel free to say that. Okay.
What I hear is you don't know if he's the right guy for you. And so you've put on a pair of glasses which is I'm going to find reasons why it's somebody else's fault that this close to marrying him ride or die us two till death do us part. I don't think I want to do this.
Or maybe it's not even that dramatic. It's just I got really cool feet. Yeah. Cuz I know loving him means I'm gonna have a crazy mother-in-law forever. And that's really what it boils down to, I think, because they live in in another state. So, when it's just us, too, and we have a great group of friends, like I see him as that person that I want to marry. And then when we communicate with his family, we start getting into this cycle of arguing and we're both triggered. And so, that's kind of
Okay. So, here here's my rule on triggers. You get two. You get to be triggered about the same thing two times and then you have a responsibility to go make a change.
Either I've got to go deal with my personal trauma history or I've got to deal with this relational pattern or I just have to stop picking up the phone
and it might cost me an inheritance. It might cost me my cell phone plan. But just choosing to constantly be triggered over and over and over again is indeed that. It's a choice. You can't help it when your body a trigger is your body acting before you even know it to try to keep you safe.
So at this point it's in my control to say no to the phone call. It's your responsibility to otherwise you're choosing
misery. You're choosing because you know how the pattern goes. You're choosing to have a fight with your husband with your fiance. Yeah.
Now the real relational work is every time I answer the phone the phone I choose to become somebody I don't want to be.
Mhm. I get angry. I get bitter. I get frustrated. So the thing I can control here is to stop picking up the phone. and to your fianceé. When I come at you and I blame my discontent on your mom and I call her this and I say she's making me do all these things, I realize that I put you in a position to let somebody just badmouth your mom, however crazy she is, or defend me. And that puts you in an awkward position. I'm going to quit doing that. M
like I a lot of the critique I get on this particular show is I don't I just have it ingrained in me for since recess in fourth grade. I don't like talking about other guys wives. I don't like talking about other guys girlfriends in a negative light.
Mhm. Right. And so but it's you say because it because it puts people on a defensive in a pretty profound way. But I want you to come back and own this. And the question I would pose for you is, are you going to let this woman get between you and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with or not?
And if he is telling you through his actions, she's going to be an integral part of our life, then you have a really hard choice to make. Or if he's constantly telling you, stop answering the phone. she's not well or we have to do once every two years we have to do Thanksgiving with them. That's just the polite kind thing to do and we're going to do it and it's going to be miserable and so on the front end we're going to do some things and we're going to plan a thing on the back end because it's just we got to go touch the electric fence once every two years.
Then you get to decide do I want to be part of that. Yeah, I I need to reflect on it because I Yeah, I wonder how that I'm just curious how flash forward, you know, having kids and then being around their grandparents. Like I I don't know if I could handle that. And I I guess it would come down to how much exposure we have. Then if it's once a year, then fine. But if it's more common, then I I I don't want to do that. So yeah, I guess it would
I need to think about that. So here's here's my challenge to you as you as you work through it. Okay.
Okay. Use eye statements as much as possible. Those are words of ownership. Instead of your mother keeps doing this, I want you to use I statements which are I don't like being disrespected. I don't like being triangulated. I am uncomfortable with X Y or Z. And so it stops a I the way to Instagram say this is victim mindset. There's actual real victims in the world. So that blanket statement isn't always helpful. But there does come a point when I want you to begin using I statements. I no longer want to have my body take off and try to solve me and keep me safe every time this other person calls.
So I am deciding for this season, maybe not forever, but for right now, I'm going to quit taking those calls. And once a year, once every two years, if I have to see this person and she starts off with, "Man, my son used to call me all the time until you came along and you never take my call." You can just smile and say, "Yep, I don't pick up the phone very often."
And go on about your day. And if that continues to hang on you like an old wet t-shirt, you have to ask yourself, what is it about me that needs other people to like me so bad?
Maybe that's what I need. Maybe I've been a people pleaser my whole life. Maybe I've been a peacemaker my whole life and I'm tired of that job.
Absolutely. Yeah, that's that sounds I gonna let this affect my day. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yes. Tada. Now you're on it. Cuz what you just said there is I get to choose what happens next.
Yes. And when I say what I'm choosing next, here's where that's vulnerable and scary. He gets to choose whether he wants to be with you.
Mhm. And when he says, "Here's what I'm choosing. I will go see my mom once a year." You get to choose to let him go alone. And you not say that's the end of our relationship.
Mhm. You recognize the pickle he's in, which is he's got a mom who's not well and who's super manipulative and it's still his mother and he wants to honor and respect her. And he gets to choose, you know what? I'm going to love my new wife with all of my guts and I'm going to protect her from this trip.
I love that. And in a perfect fantasy world, yes, it would be awesome if both of y'all snuggled up and you had two in-laws that were like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here. We got your favorite food. We got everything for you. It's going to be amazing. You all want to go out to dinner?" "No, cool. Great." What? That'd be awesome. That's not the life you'll have.
By no fault of your own. Not by your hand, but it's in your lap. So you get to choose
XYZ and then he gets to choose whether he chooses you. Yeah. And that's scary. Mhm.
That's hard. And it's also hard to constantly be being whipped around by other people's feelings and emotions and manipulations, etc. So what I'm asking you to do is choose your hard. Choose the path. Both paths are hard. Choose the path that is going to give you empowerment, strength, and peace.
Questions about this episode
What is "My Future Mother-in-Law Is Pulling Us Apart" about?
The discussion centers on the challenges of navigating a relationship where one partner's mother is overly involved and controlling, raising questions about boundaries and the future of the engagement. Key points include the emotional toll this dynamic takes on the relationship, the need for clear communication about boundaries, and the potential for the fiancé's lack of assertiveness to…
What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?
2 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.
How long is "My Future Mother-in-Law Is Pulling Us Apart"?
The episode runs 19 min; the transcript is about 3,149 words in 55 timestamped sections.
More from The Dr. John Delony Show
About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 3, 2026.