My Husband Is Unsatisfied With Our Sex Life

What this episode is about

The discussion focuses on a woman's struggle to establish sexual boundaries in her marriage while processing the impact of past sexual abuse, particularly in light of recent family trauma. It highlights the challenges of honoring personal healing as well as addressing her husband's dissatisfaction with their sex life amidst complex family dynamics and the importance of open communication and therapeutic support.

Key takeaways

• Healing from trauma often demands a village; don’t hesitate to lean on your partner for support.
• Boundaries in intimacy aren't just personal; they can redefine relationship dynamics, like a new dance step.
• Therapy is not a race; consistency over time fosters deeper healing—that's where the magic happens.
• Your traumatic history isn’t just yours; it echoes in the family, making collective healing essential.
• Communication is key—signals and emojis can bridge emotional gaps and foster understanding on tough days.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Together
2. 3:00 – 6:00: BetterHelp
3. 15:00 – 16:24: Together

Notable quotes from "My Husband Is Unsatisfied With Our Sex Life"

• Brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app.

  about Together · at 0:03

• Can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about…

  about BetterHelp · at 3:51

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

• BetterHelp — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 3:43
  Used as an explicit ad-read pivot to recommend online therapy as support for trauma healing.
• Together — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 0:03
  Introduced as the show/segment sponsor and described as a daily marriage app framing the episode’s relationship theme.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:03 brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. So, how can I navigate setting a boundary in um our sexual life while honoring both my own healing and my husband's desires?

0:15 So, the sexual boundaries with your husband right? Yes. Okay. So, tell me, give me the backstory.

0:22 So, we um have known each other 10 years. We've been married for six. We've got two young kids, um, three and one. Um, my own healing is in reference to, uh, sexual abuse when I was a child. And that has kind of come up more recently rather than at the beginning of our marriage because one of the people that was involved recently abused someone else in our family and it came out. So that's just brought up so much in our family and uh for me personally.

0:58 I hate that for you. What what's your family doing about it? Um so the person who recently abused didn't actually abuse me but um was abused my sister and um it was at that same time as another family member abused me. Um and so right now I mean there's so much going on. I mean he's not living with his family. Um

1:30 is he going to jail? He's been reported. It's It's an under investigation. Okay. God, I hate this for everybody.

1:39 Yeah, me too. Um, so what does healing look like for you? Well, honestly, I It sounds stupid to say it out loud. My husband even asked me, "How come you never went to therapy?" Um,

1:54 well, well, let me stop there. That's a well-meaning question, and I understand what he's asking, but it's not a helpful question.

2:02 Yeah. Okay. because the the the shrapnel after sexual abuse um and if it's happening with family members is happening to multiple people in the same family. My guess is they'll learn the lesson is we don't talk about that here. Is that fair?

2:22 Yeah. I mean um my parents don't feel that way. I mean they were not involved but um they that's come up. They don't feel like they silenced anyone. But

2:32 well, well, but here's the thing. If you as a kid knew, whether explicitly or implicitly, they're not who I can go to about that. That that actually is trauma. It's a child separated. Like the act of what happened to you, the thing that happened is a traumatic event. M

2:52 but a child unanchored knowing a bad thing just happened and I'm not safe to go to my parents it doesn't matter if they again I'm not blaming them I'm just giving you I want to give you some peace

3:06 that end kids can go through hell and back if they don't have to go through it alone but if a kid knows I'm on my own when this bad thing happened to me that the trauma started long before the actual traumatic event. You get what I'm saying?

3:24 Yeah. And I guess I felt like not that I couldn't tell them, but that I was I mean I remember I was very young, but I felt like, you know, I was complicit.

3:33 Exa Exactly. Yes. Exactly. Which is I mean that's a whole other conversation. But that brings me back to my next question. Like my original question is what does healing look like? Now this is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living and yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try BetterHelp. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists and they're great at finding just the right one for you.

4:10 Visit betterhelp.com/delone for 10% off your first month. What does healing look like now?

4:20 Because for forget the sex inside your marriage right now, right? That's important. We'll get to that. But now that you know this thing has reemerged, that fire has been reit like that your body's on high alert again. It's running this script that it knows um what's the next right move for you?

4:41 I got in touch with a therapist um that I like. I just haven't been consistent in going,

4:48 okay, because life is crazy and I feel like I don't have a a lot of um support for people that can help me out with the kids so I can do that.

4:57 Okay. Whatever that looks like, I want to tell you that you're worth that work. Okay.

5:06 Okay. And it's super not fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I guess I'm kind of feel overwhelmed because I don't really know. I don't know the I just want to get through it and I know I have to just do the work. Right.

5:21 Well, but there's the work you have to do. But here's where your husband can play a humongous lifesaving role for you is painting a picture of I'm going to go through this trauma healing and I'm going to go through learning some skills that when my body starts to flood itself and starts to try to protect me even without me knowing it, I'm going to learn these skills on how to um it's all kind of stuff that you'll learn how to do, right? It's movement and breathing, all that kind of stuff that's important. And then we're going to go through the trauma narrative with a therapist. And here's what support looks like for me. It means some days I'm going to come home and I'm going to wink at you. I'm going to text you a certain emoji and that means I'm unhooked for the day.

6:13 Like my wife just had minor surgery. I knew I've got pickup that afternoon with the kids. I've got dinner that afternoon. And I've got I've like I'm on now, right? And it's very similar for you. And so that overwhelmed feeling those are the the feeling is big and it's huge and it's real and it's right, but the things you can control there are all right, I need to pass along some things. Some of this weight and you said till death do his part. So you're going to I need you to carry some of the practical things. diaper changes, dinners, dealing with the kids, all that kind of stuff over the next two, three, four, six months, especially when I text you and say, "I need some help today."

6:58 And then hopefully he is right or die and he's like, "I got it." You get what I'm saying?

7:05 It's not a matter of you going to a one or two or three hour therapy session, you come home and it's all good. That's not how this will work,

7:12 right? Is he a kind of guy that if y'all sit down and say, "Okay, I'm about to go do this hard thing for the next little while. I need you to step in for me." Would he step up for you?

7:27 I think he feels really overwhelmed with life himself. He doesn't feel like he's at a place where he can shoulder more things. He's tired and, you know, he tells me he's lonely because everything going on with the kids and

7:41 Yeah. Sometimes setting overwhelmed is often a I don't have a role or a purpose here or I don't know the next right few things to do. And as the dad of a couple young kids, I don't have a lot of sympathy for I'm tired. All of us are tired.

8:04 But I do have sympathy for I don't know how I can help. I don't know what to do. And that's where y'all looking at each other across the table saying, "I'm about to go do a really hard thing for a season." And here's specifically what help looks like. Are you a stay at home mom or do you work too?

8:23 No, I'm not able to be a stay-at-home mom. Okay, awesome. So, it would be a matter of like, and I know in the media it's really cool to bash guys who don't know what's going on at home. That's not helpful at all. But you being able to say, "Here's what day in and day out, here's what this looks like. So when you walk in the door, I know you're tired, and here's what the next right thing for you to help me with looks like for this season." And he might say, "I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired, but whatever." yada yada yada, but giving somebody a task list sounds not sexy, and it sounds not engaged, and it sounds like I shouldn't be having to do this. What? All those things that the media tells you this is why men are awful, whatever. you giving him that gift, that path. Yes, he'll be tired.

9:08 You'll be tired, too. Everybody's going to be tired. Yeah. But this is the actually the path back to what both of you want, which is reconnection and healing, right?

9:16 Yes. Otherwise, he's like, "I miss my wife. I want some more sex." And you're like, "Dude, I'm exhausted. I'm covered in throw up. I got a one-year-old. Oh, and by the way, my body is screaming at me that we're not safe." Right.

9:30 Exactly. Yes. And so you begrudgingly make out with him. He doesn't like that. And he then he begins to say, "I want you to want me." And you're like, "Dude, I would love to want you, but the kids need to eat and we got baths and we have bedtime." Right? You know, you know what I'm saying?

9:45 Yep. Absolutely. That sounds like the conversation we had yesterday. Okay. So, it is saying, "Hey, we'll both get to where we want to be, but we have to clear the debt completely first." And that requires us both to be adults and get over the I'm tired. Everybody's tired.

10:04 Does he work hard for for y'all and the family? Yes, he does. Amazing. That's awesome. That brings me joy. Like I'm I'm happy. It sounds like he's a good man.

10:14 And do you feel guilty when he comes home and does some of the chores? No. Okay. All right. I I talked to a lot of especially moms of young kids who are stay-at-home moms and when husband comes home it it's like it's your turn now you take the kids I've been with them all day let me completely shut off and then when they start to do some of those things it's that that guilt creeps in like well I've been here all day this is actually my job and

10:44 I don't want him to do this or I kind of want to hold the baby I like that part of it or it just everyone's going to have to clear the deck and say

10:52 I feel these things. Okay, cool. Here's what actually has to happen for this house to operate for a season so that I can get so that we can get what we both want, which is to reconnect with each other.

11:07 Okay. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Um, so can I ask you a question? A followup question. So that that makes perfect sense. In the interim, while the healing is happening, um I'm honestly I'm fine with us having sex. I don't feel, you know, that doesn't light my body on fire or anything,

11:37 but there are specific things that my husband really wants and that I have recently drawn the boundary just like, you know, 4 months ago and said, I don't want to do this at all anymore.

11:53 Okay? and that has made him feel super, you know, unloved and and alone in this. And I don't know if I should be listening to that voice telling me, hey, don't do this or if I should be, you know, trying to fight that because I love my husband and I it's not that I don't want to be intimate with him.

12:18 Sure. I I think it's I think it's a if he if if he's saying like I want to bring the neighbor over

12:24 and you're like that goes against my values. I'm out on that. Right. No, I know I'm being silly, but also you've listened to this show. It's sometimes not silly. Right. So like if if it is if it's something that is outside of my value set,

12:38 I want to have that hard conversation. If it's something that is painful or uncomfortable, I want to have that conver that's a separate conversation, right?

12:48 Sure. If it is something that makes me feel gross or used or not myself along those lines,

12:57 if it's along those lines, I want to go to the deeper layer, which is what is it about this act? What is it about you who you become when you're doing this thing with me or to me? like it's getting to that thing beneath the thing. Or if it's as it's as as I say as simple, but it's not simple, right? So, I don't want to belittle it anyway, but it's as simple as this thing you're super into is the exact thing that my abuser did to me, and right now I'm super uncomfortable with it.

13:27 Mhm. Or like there's any number of things. So, it's it's not like um there is things in marriage like I'm not super into this. I know she is. I know he is. I'm like I I'm It's an act of uh kindness. It's an act of uh giving. I don't know the word for it. I'm trying to think of a clever word for it, but like

13:47 I I don't want to say take one for the team, but it's kind of like that. Like I'm not into this, but

13:52 that conversation party, right? But if it becomes uncomfortable, painful, um if it becomes I feel this way, then putting that on the table because what happens is the act itself, I want to do this thing to you or with you. Um it's addressing that with curiosity, not judgment. But you being honest about what the needs in the house, there are some real needs. food, diapers, babies, screaming, all that stuff is real and good. And being honest about here's what I want. When I go to sleep, I I I've got to be able to sleep.

14:31 I want to be intimate with you. I want to have sex with you. And we used to be able to just wake up at 2 a.m. and just get it going and then be back to roll over and go back to sleep. That season right now, it's winter. Um, I used to be super into this particular sex act. Right now, it doesn't feel good to me. I'm not going to say never again, but I'm just saying right now. I'm not super into that. Walk me through what you feel like underneath that. And then um let's see if we can get to it another way. But it's just sitting down and having those conversations. And I promise you, if y'all both show up with curiosity about those conversations, those can be some of the most intimate, magical, sexy, fun conversations you've ever had.

15:14 You get to know each other at a level you thought you knew each other. Nah, man. you get to really know each other. And anyway, most of the time men say, "I just want I do want sex. I want sex. I want sex. But I want her to want me. And I want her to desire me. And I feel like she desires the kids more, the the routine more, the this more." And so it is saying, "Okay, what do we need to do so that we can get to what we want to do?" And everybody's tired, everybody's busy, everybody's working hard, everybody's frustrated. And on top of that, you have a trauma history you got to work through. We have to be extra clear.

15:51 And the word, the dominating word here is just kind. There's just going to be days you text him and be like, "Tonight's going to be the night." And by the time he gets home, your body's on fire. You're worn out. The kids have been screaming. And kindness means, "All right, sweet, dude. Let's just get under a blanket and watch TV together. I'll hold you. Awesome." And there's going to be some nights that you wake up at 2 a.m. and you're like, "I'm going to wake him up. We're going to party for 39 seconds and then we're both going to go back to bed.

16:16 Cool. It's just being kind, right? Let that be the dominating um word here.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Husband Is Unsatisfied With Our Sex Life" about?

The discussion focuses on a woman's struggle to establish sexual boundaries in her marriage while processing the impact of past sexual abuse, particularly in light of recent family trauma. It highlights the challenges of honoring personal healing as well as addressing her husband's dissatisfaction with their sex life amidst complex family dynamics and the importance of open communication and…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

2 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Husband Is Unsatisfied With Our Sex Life"?

The episode runs 16 min; the transcript is about 2,922 words in 52 timestamped sections.

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