My Husband Never Shows Up

What this episode is about

The content focuses on a wife's struggles with her husband's time management issues related to his ADHD diagnosis, particularly highlighting his chronic inability to be punctual for important family events and professional commitments. She provides specific examples of missed appointments, indicating that this ongoing problem is affecting their marriage and family life significantly.

Key takeaways

• ADHD and punctuality: when time blindness feels like a recurring nightmare instead of a mere inconvenience.
• Being late isn't just a habit; it can reshape relationships from partners to parent-child dynamics.
• Natural consequences may sound wise, but sometimes the doctor’s office doesn’t run on ADHD time.
• When embarrassment of lateness weighs heavier than the clock, it’s time to rethink the role of time in marriage.
• Being a supportive partner means sometimes taking the backseat—or driving off on your own!

Who speaks in this episode?

• Dr. John Delony (Host) · 10 min speaking
• Unknown Caller (Guest) · 7 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Doctor's appointment, Church secretary
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Doctor's appointment, Church secretary
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Panic attack, Better Help, John Delony, Church secretary
4. 12:00 – 15:00: Church secretary

Notable quotes from "My Husband Never Shows Up"

• So, I am I'm sitting I'm sitting on your husband's side of the seat on this one. I'll flip to your side in a second.

  about John Delony · at 2:21

• Is a piano player at her church and when we went there, she would always come in like right on time and it literally would give me panic attacks.

  about Panic attack · at 8:08

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• John Delony — Person · Host / advice-giver · 1 mention · first at 7:28
  He leads the call-in conversation, reframes the wife's concerns about lateness/ADHD, and offers practical relational strategies (natural consequences, clearer needs, reducing 'mothering').
• Joshua Fields Milburn — Person · Referenced public figure (analogy) · 1 mention
  Referenced as a minimalist standard-setter to contrast the host's messy writing space with his wife's organized routine, illustrating differences in functioning styles.
  Like a desk that Joshua Fields Milbour... would be proud of.

Concepts & topics

• Doctor's appointment — Concept · Key example / scenario · 3 mentions · first at 1:04
  A child's appointment is used as the concrete case study for time blindness, responsibility, and the wife's anxiety/embarrassment about lateness and respect for professionals' schedules.
  Okay. what time did he get to the doctor's appointment?
• Church secretary — Concept · Recurring setting / social context · 5 mentions · first at 2:02
  Church attendance and the husband's role as a preacher amplify the social visibility and embarrassment of arriving late, shaping the wife's emotional response.
  He's never on time for church. he is a preacher and he will have different pastors call him to fill his pull pit. And we are always rolling in the parking lot like 5 to 10 minutes.
• Panic attack — Concept · Emotional/physiological response discussed · 2 mentions · first at 8:12
  The caller describes panic-like reactions tied to punctuality norms (e.g., mother-in-law arriving 'right on time'); the host pushes her to 'own' her panic response as part of the dynamic.

Sponsors

• Better Help — Company · Advertised sponsor / recommended service · 2 mentions · first at 7:06
  The host transitions into an ad read recommending online therapy via BetterHelp as a resource when more help is needed than a short call-in can provide.
  Over 30,000 therapists, and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 I am having trouble with my husband. he as he was diagnosed with ADHD um about a year or two ago and he's always had some symptoms of that and is having a lot of kind of as our marriage goes along it's becoming more and more of a problem especially with our kids.

0:29 Okay. So be be don't dump it all into the diagnostic bucket. Be specific about the things that are becoming more of a problem. Um well, when I wrote in my question, it was specifically about him being on time and he um I guess what they call is time blindness and that literally rules his life.

0:52 Okay. So um one of the examples was that um well actually like when I wrote in this was happening my daughter had or our daughter had a doctor's appointment and the morning of I said okay her doctor's appointment is at 10:30. You need to be there at 10:30. you need to be have the kids buckled in their car seats at 10:45 pulling down the driveway or not 10:45 10:15 to be there at 10:30. He said he got it. I had the address of the location in the reminder note on his calendar and I was like, "Okay, I'm going to work." I went to work. Um 10:30 rolls around. He hasn't text me or called me. So, I look at his life 360 and he is still at our house.

1:48 And so, um, this is not it's not like the first time, but this this happens literally almost every single day in our life with something. He's never sorry, he's never on time for work. He's never on time for any of his own appointments. He's never on time for church. Like, he is a preacher and he will have um different pastors call him to fill his pull pit. And we are always rolling in the parking lot like 5 to 10 minutes late.

2:16 Okay. Let me ask you the other like you're you're describing my life. Okay. Okay.

2:21 So, I I I am I'm sitting I'm sitting on your husband's side of the seat on this one. I'll flip to your side in a second. Okay.

2:30 Okay. So, here's the here's the alternative vision here. Well, let me just say this. You got to be on time, said the guy who's always late. Okay. Yes.

2:41 Okay. So, flip the other side. Has your husband lost a job because he's late? No.

2:50 Is he really good at what he does? Are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Sorry. Is Is he good at at being a pastor?

3:03 Yes. Okay. Um, what time did he get to the doctor's appointment? uh about 20 minutes late.

3:11 Okay. Did the kid get in and get seen? Yes. Okay. So, the challenge with working with somebody who struggles with being late is over time you become more and more not his wife, but you become his mother,

3:26 right? And what he needs desperately is his wife, right? So, here is I'll tell you how this was literally the switch that was flipped in my home with my wife. And I'm telling you this as I rolled into this show to record this show like 10 or 15 minutes late. Okay.

3:44 Okay. Okay. Like so this is this is the pot talking to the kettle here. Two things that were important happened. Number one, my wife I I don't know another way to say it, but completely backed off and said, "I've got to let natural consequences be natural consequences." And it was a big revelation to her that me going to work 5 or 10 minutes or me going to church, let's say, 5 or 10 minutes late literally didn't bother me the same way it bothered her. Okay? And so she said, "I'm going to leave at this time." But here's what switched for me.

4:24 She said, "I'm embarrassed when I walk in late and I feel like everybody's looking at me. Mhm.

4:32 I'm embarrassed and I feel ashamed that all these nurses and doctors have such insanely tight schedules and their healthcare provider overlords are so strict on them that I feel it's dishonoring to them to be late,

4:48 right? And that was the switch that flipped. No, I have definitely tried that and it doesn't work.

4:54 Okay, so here's the next thing she started doing. She started driving herself to to church,

5:00 right? She just went her own car and not out of a fight, not out of a I'll show him, but out of a this is a priority to me and it's not a priority to him. And the first time I walked downstairs and the car was gone, I did I I got mad. And then I realized it's on me cuz she was very clear about I I feel embarrassed when I walk in late

5:26 cuz John, you're I'm a big presence. Everybody looks at you when you walk in the door and I'm standing right next to you.

5:32 Yeah. How do I handle that with doctor's appointments though? Because I literally just started a new job and

5:40 I I can't just take off work to go to a doctor's appointment like I can eventually. And that's what I had started doing with my last job was just being like, "Okay, you can't take them." I I I I know, but but get to the root of the issue here.

5:59 Yeah. And he said, and I know that you always say behavior is a language and he's acting like he doesn't care. I I think he does.

6:10 He doesn't though. He doesn't because he got there 20 minutes late. They saw his kid. It was fine. He dropped the kids off back at school or whatever, and he went on about his day. I've literally almost I've thought about calling the doctors when he's late and being like if he's more than 10 minutes late, don't see him.

6:27 I know, but that's like me calling my kids school and saying I'm not bringing his shoes. He's got to do his track workout in his bare feet so he learns. And so it's you owning what's inside your chest, which is I'm embarrassed. Like I tell me, you tell me what is the big

6:47 What is it for you when you're at work and the kids get to the doctors 20 minutes late and then they get seen and then they get their medicine and they leave? Why is that troubling to you? What's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing there? This is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living. And yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try BetterHelp. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists, and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month.

7:35 What's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing there? Because I'm I'm very respectful of people's time and he's not.

7:42 Okay, there you go. And let's So, let's let's go one step deeper and say the thing that's in the middle of your chest, which is I am married to a man that is disrespectful to other people.

7:55 Okay. And you going Mom, go ahead. like his entire his entire family is like this. Like they just have they just don't care. His mom is a piano player at her church and when we went there, she would always come in like right on time and it literally would give me panic attacks.

8:17 Okay. But you have to own your panic attack because you know the word you just said is she was right on time

8:22 and for some people 10 minutes early is late. Yeah. Right. And so own your part of it. And when you communicate with him and you sit down and have a big conversation, it is I have panic attacks here. I not real panic attacks, but I have this thing inside of me. And here's what I'm trying to get you to do.

8:46 And I'll I'll get to him in a second. I want you to open your grip up. You continuing to tighten your grip over the calendar reminder and the this and the text messages and here's the this and here's the that and here's the whatever. It's not helping.

9:01 Okay. Right. It's increasing. Even if he's even if he's asked me to do that, it's not helping.

9:07 He does. He's putting all of his irresponsibility and his disrespect on you and making it your problem.

9:16 Okay. you sitting down and saying, "A way you can make me feel loved is not to be on time, but to be somewhere 15 minutes early. You make me feel loved and safe." And then if he doesn't do that, that's a deeper conversation.

9:35 Um, let me take it out of the time for a second. Okay, here here's a perfect example. In my house, my wife's a writer and I'm a writer. Okay, I'm in the middle of a book project now.

9:48 Okay, I write best from 900 p.m. to 2 am. I wish with all of my being that was not the case.

9:54 Okay. Okay. Exhale. My wife gets up every morning at 5:15 and writes for one and a half hours in her perfect everything's where it needs to be. Like it's like a desk that Joshua Fields Milbour, like the the founder of the minimalist, would be proud of. Everything's right where it needs to be.

10:16 Okay. My writing area is in the corner of an of a room on top of my garage and it looks like a mad house person lives up there, right?

10:29 Okay. And so there has been over the we've been married 23 years like you need to organize this. What if you put this here? What if you just did it like this? What? There is an exhale in. This is how this my husband's creative process works. Okay.

10:44 So, that's her saying, "I'm going to open my hands to that. This is the guy married and this is how he creatively operates."

10:52 And the fair call out is when I get into a bookw writing mode, I literally lose track of humanity. I stay in my head all day. I'm reading 247, 365. I'm listening. I'm calling professionals. I'm calling therapists. I'm calling theologian. I'm calling people to I just lose track of the world. Okay? And so the solution that we found together is when you're here, I need you present and I'm going to gently put my hand on your leg to remind you to be present here.

11:27 And that's the way I could honor and respect and love her. You get what I'm saying?

11:30 Yeah. And we've been trying to do more of that. He's We actually had a conversation the other day because he has a lot of friends at work that play video games and I was like, "If you sit down and play a video game, I will never see your face again because you will literally just your entire being will be in that video game."

11:51 Okay. So, what's the deeper thing about that? Is that he won't be there for me.

11:59 Okay. Have that conversation. And what does quote unquote be there for me mean? Does it mean I'm exhausted and tired and worn out and I don't want you having fun and focusing on other things? Is it I want you to sit in the kitchen and chitchat with me because that makes me feel loved? Is it it's not fair? Is it I'm lonely and you have all these friends and I don't like that. What does not be there for me mean?

12:34 I don't know. Okay, that to me is a deeper, harder question. Okay, you you get what I'm saying?

12:42 Yeah, for sure. And so there's something powerful about saying, "I want you with me." And there's something insanely vulnerable about that because he might say, "Me, I'd rather hang out at the office. I mean, hang out at the restaurant for another half hour." And y'all have, if that's the case, y'all have a big challenge in your marriage.

13:06 Yeah. I I joke with him a lot because he's when we first got together 9 years ago, we started dating, he was like, "What if I joined the military?" And I said, "If I wanted to be away from you, I wouldn't marry you." Or, "Yeah, I like if I wanted you away or not to be around you, I wouldn't marry you. The military will take you away from me." Like, why would you do that?

13:32 What did he say? He was like, "Yeah, you're right. That makes sense." Okay. So make

13:40 everything together. Up until up until about two jobs ago, we worked the same jobs together, too.

13:48 Okay. There's something powerful in telling your husband, "I miss you." Yeah. And instead of saying you're never around, with you're starting that sentence with a you with an attack, it's saying I miss my husband.

14:04 Okay? and you being honest about I have over time between work, between kids, I have allowed myself to be isolated and I'm trying to put everything that I normally through all all of human history I would have had girlfriends I would have had a church community I would have had um workmates I would have had all these people in my life a cousins and parents and extended I would have had all this support and slowly over time your world has narrowed to where I'm asking him to carry everything relationally for me.

14:40 Yeah. And I'm not meaning to It's not an attack at all. This This is like I'm in the middle of this research right now. This is pervasive. This is our culture. That's why That's why there's difference between I need you here versus hey, I'm going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night. You've got dinner and the kids. And when I was and when I would be able to do that, um, our group kind of just fell apart. But when I would do that, he would be there and he would I would like he would make sure to be there for me if it was something like that.

15:16 That and that's what I'm getting at. There's something powerful about you owning what what is happening in my entire ecosystem. What are these things that I'm saying to myself, I should and I have to and I must. And when I have the shoulds and the have toss and the musts, I'm now dumping it on this other person. And he's sitting there feeling, "No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't."

15:46 Yeah. I guess I was just taught that that's why we have a spouse is to dump all of that stuff on them.

15:52 Yeah. And unfortunately, that's the nature of modern romance, which is you complete me. Tom Cruz lied to us. You have to have girlfriends. You've got to have hobbies. You've got to have support and care and extension. And you got to be open about the real depth of these things, which is I have go into panic if I'm not 10 minutes early to an appointment and he's saying I don't have that same panic. It's not a felt need for me. And then getting to the real thing beneath that and having that conversation, which is I miss you. I feel like I'm married to a man who disrespects other people.

16:44 And that breaks my heart. Let's clear the deck. The marriage you had is over. Let's build a new one from the floor up with here's what I want.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "My Husband Never Shows Up"?

Dr. John Delony (Host), Unknown Caller (Guest).

What is "My Husband Never Shows Up" about?

The content focuses on a wife's struggles with her husband's time management issues related to his ADHD diagnosis, particularly highlighting his chronic inability to be punctual for important family events and professional commitments. She provides specific examples of missed appointments, indicating that this ongoing problem is affecting their marriage and family life significantly.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

6 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including John Delony, Doctor's appointment, Church secretary, Panic attack, Joshua Fields Milburn. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Husband Never Shows Up"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 2,778 words in 57 timestamped sections.

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