My Husband’s Secret Could End Our Marriage

What this episode is about

The narrative explores a woman's escalating concerns about her marriage after discovering her husband's secretive accumulation of significant debt over 18 months, despite her efforts to manage their finances. She grapples with the implications of his choices, which have led to financial instability and emotional strain, prompting her to question the viability of their relationship.

Key takeaways

• When debt becomes a third wheel in marriage, communication is the key to financial fidelity.
• Hiding debt may stem from shame, but it often reveals deeper trust issues lurking beneath the surface.
• Money matters can muddy love; ensure both partners feel equal in the financial dance of marriage.
• If one spouse feels less-than, honesty becomes a luxury neither can afford in a healthy marriage.
• In marriage, transparency is more valuable than cash; hiding financial woes only digs a deeper hole.

What is discussed, and when

1. 15:00 – 17:26: Building a Non-Anxious Life

Notable quotes from "My Husband’s Secret Could End Our Marriage"

• Tools. I'm going to send you both a copy. I'm going to send you two copies of Building a Non- Anxious Life. And I want you all to read that and use that as a road map for…

  about Building a Non-Anxious Life · at 15:25

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Books & papers

• Building a Non-Anxious Life — Book · Primary recommendation · 1 mention · first at 15:29
  Recommended as a resource to help rebuild the marriage from the ground up, focusing on reducing anxiety and improving communication.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 Should I remain in a marriage where my husband hid a large amount of debt within the past year and a half?

0:17 That's a big question. Tell me what's Tell me what's going on. What'd you discover?

0:21 So, try some I'm just going to try to make it simple because it's a lot. Um, well, we relocated. Um, I was the one paying most of the bills in the beginning. Then I got pregnant. I was still paying the rent, you know, the bills because I was the one who made more money.

0:37 What did he do with me? Did he go to a job? Yeah, he was working. He was working, but you know, he just took care of the smaller bills, like his bills. So, I was paying the rent, paying my car, paying all my bills. Sounds kind of crazy, but it was okay for me at the time. I was saving money to take stay at home with my baby. Um, which I think about it now and I'm like that's just crazy. He didn't even help me with that. But, um, fast forward um, I went back to work. He was supposed to take over all the bills, like you know, the rents and all these things while I was paying off some debt that I had from being at home. Um, then I come to find out that our rent wasn't being paid on time. Um, I guess he was kind of stuck in something where he wasn't able to pay everything. So, he was going around asking to lend, you know, to borrow money from family and friends that I had no idea about, you

1:34 know. So, then, um, I only found out because, uh, my landlord showed up to my house and he told me he hadn't spoken to him in a while and the rent wasn't paid. So then he kind of came clean. But I kept finding out more and more stuff from other people that he was asking for money and he when I confronted him about it, he said he thought he wasn't, you know, he was going to be able to catch up and that he just didn't want to stress me out. So that was the excuse for not telling me all of this, which doesn't make sense to me, but

2:08 Well, it does to me just listening to it. And I I guess this is harsh, but y'all have never been married.

2:16 Y'all have a certificate kind of feel. Y'all may have gone through a ceremony. Y'all made a human together.

2:22 Mhm. But just the way just just the way you described your original story, which was I did all of this, I paid all of this, I paid my savings, I did this, and then my chumpy little husband over here who was working full-time, I made more money than him, so he just paid for this stuff.

2:39 Mhm. Already I can tell you like the contempt in your home is is already powerful. You already think you're better than him.

2:48 Is that fair? Yeah, but I mean this has been going on in the past 3 years. We've been together for almost 9 years and he did pay for other things here and there like you know he did pay the rent when we lived in our previous place. Everything that's happening now just pretty much started in the past 3 years. It

3:05 it it's not it's not it started it started 9 years ago. Here's why. Okay. When you get married to somebody, if you want this thing to to work long term

3:13 Mhm. it's y'all's money that goes into y'all's account. Yes. And maybe one person hits send, but y'all pay the rent.

3:21 Y'all pay phone bills. Y'all pay car bills. Y'all save money together. Yes. Correct.

3:26 He's always been second tier to you because you make more money. And you do this and you do that. And I think that's where I'm starting to build a lot of resentment because when I found out everything, I told them, "You should have just came to me because I can make the money for the rent. We could have just swapped."

3:44 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. But you're not you're not hearing what I'm saying. I If you were if you were truly I'm going to ask you to be super reflective and honest. Okay.

3:54 Yes. Just in the limited time we've talked together. Mhm. I can imagine a world where he doesn't feel like he can come to you and say, "Hey, we're not making ends meet." And if he was calling me, dude, I'd be all over him for calling family and friends for borrowing money.

4:18 Mhm. But just the way you laid out y'all's story, he has gotten the message loud and clear that he's less than.

4:27 You're right. And so suddenly he's trying to take care of a new baby, trying to take care of a wife, and that he's not making ends meet. And like most guys, I'm not excusing his behavior. What he did was wrong, okay? But

4:38 I can get the sentiment that he's trying to do trying to make this thing work so that you can have the life and his baby can have the life, y'all's baby can have the life that you and him want.

4:50 Correct. And I and I when everything happened I did I even asked him I'm like am I can do you feel like you can't come to me and and talk to me and tell me that you're struggling you know and I think recently obviously we've been kind of we don't even communicate. He did feel that way and you know I'm trying to tell myself

5:11 he did it to help me and he did it to not stress me out because I was under a lot of stress with

5:16 words and um he's a great dad. a great husband. Stop right there. Stop right there.

5:23 What does it feel like when you uncover a big mess like this and you look at him and say, "Why didn't you come to me?" And he says, "Cuz I can't."

5:34 Mhm. Because you're going to beat me up again. Or you're you're going to throw a fit and then you're going to be like, "Well, then I've got to go bail us out so I can pay my bills." And

5:45 like what? Walk me through what that felt like. that level of reflection. I mean, I was upset. I was upset. I also felt bad. I was upset because well, the situation and with him because I felt like

6:01 you should have told me. I know what you're telling me that I He felt like he couldn't tell me.

6:05 Okay. But I want you to stay right there. Don't run from that. Don't run from that.

6:08 Mhm. Take right or wrong, just for a minute. Go through the thought exercise of owning that. Yeah.

6:17 Oh god, what if I created a marriage where my husband feels so marginalized and so small because I'm always telling about all the stuff I do.

6:26 Mhm. That I've created a world where the man that I made a human with, my ride or die, doesn't even feel safe enough to come tell me this so much so that he has to bury his head in shame and go ask buddies for money.

6:37 Correct. Does that feel Does that feel heavy? Mhm. It does. I felt I did feel like crap. I'm like, "Okay, you know."

6:46 Okay. So, so, so you can't you can't go back. You you can't go back and change any of the stuff that has happened.

6:55 Hearing that level of reflection, if you jump to, well, you should have though anyway, and I can't believe you, so I'm going to divorce you. Whatever. Fine. Fine. My challenge to you is with this new information and these scales peeled back from your eyes, can you exhale and say, "Okay, the only person I can control here is me. Either I don't want to be married to you. I've always thought I'm better than you. I still think I'm better than you. And I'm going to go on with my life. I make more money than you. I can provide for me and my kid, etc.

7:28 or my God, I've got to do some work so that I realize just because I make more money than my husband doesn't mean I'm better than him or I'm I'm somehow more important than him. We are in this thing together and I need some skills so that I can communicate that. Can you have that level of reflection? And if not, that's I mean, it's fine.

7:50 But that's that's that's a humbling full ownership. I gotta own what I brought to the table here. And again, if he was on the phone, you know, I'd be going after him,

8:01 right? And it's not Yeah. It's not that I think that I'm I'm better than him. I never did. I didn't care about the money. I just want our communication to be better. And he struggles with that, which is fine. He writes,

8:12 you struggle with it, too. You struggle. You struggle with it, too. I'm more vocal. But, um, I think that's it. My personality is a little bit stronger, but I never want him to feel that I'm better than him. never I I want him to be the leader, you know, if I can make the money, but let's make decisions together.

8:29 Okay, let's save money. Let's do all this. That was that's always been my thing. And I think he just, you know,

8:35 Okay. And so the the first thing you have to do is to change your your pronouns from mine and our to ours.

8:42 Yes. From my bills and my savings to our future together. Mhm. And it's our money.

8:50 Yes. It's my 125,000 and your 40,000. Together, we make 165,000. Yeah. I make I like in when it comes to direct deposit, the the check that's deposited that says John Deloney on it is way more than the check that Sheila Deloney deposits. And it is our money. It's our s We only have one account. We have one checking account.

9:17 Mhm. It's ours. It's our savings. It's our kids' college funds. It's our mortgage. It's our stuff. And so, let me let me say, let me let me rephrase your question. The marriage y'all had is over. The question you have before is, do you want to make it official or do you want to rebuild something new? With a guy you said is an awesome dad and he's actually a pretty good husband.

9:44 He just hid this big scary thing for me and oh god, I contributed to that. Do we want to decide that we are going to change how we talk to each other, how we communicate, how we do bill paying, how we do all of it from the floor up for our sake and for the kid's sake.

10:03 All right. Is that does that make sense? It does cuz I I've been, you know, waiting for him to I want to sit and budget. I want to do all these things, but he's just I guess he feels stuck.

10:13 What's a failure factory for him? Mhm. So I'm like, "Okay, we need to do this because we both need to, you know, we we want to we we want a plan 5 years from now, but he doesn't his way of managing money is not the best." And he says it, you know, I don't manage my money correct. You know, I've always had he's always had that issue. But I'm like, we can work together to fix that. But I'm waiting and waiting and waiting and he's not talking to me. So I think that's where my frustration and my resentment kind of builds. But then again, I'm like, maybe I should approach him and sit down and talk to him and and do these things because maybe that's what he's waiting for.

10:48 Yeah. And and and and listen, I'll say this one more time, then I won't say it again. What he did was not right.

10:58 Okay. I would even go as far as to say what he did was cowardly. Yes. And I get it. And your revelation, I think, is one of the most powerful revelations that anybody in a marriage can come to, which is I'm going to go first.

11:16 Mhm. And when you go first, if you lead with the word you, he's he's going to he's going to bail again cuz he has to. That's how he stayed safe the last decade. If you lead with the word I, I have this I realize that I created a world that was all about my bills and my stuff and my money. And I'm sorry. I want to build something with you where we both have equal voice here about our future. And I've got to learn some new skills. I would love it if you would join me in this.

11:51 Yes. And here's the here's the scary part. He can look at you and say, "No." And that's terrifying.

11:57 Mhm. It is. Or he could say, "All right, I don't know how to manage money. I struggle with it. I get behind and then I get scared and then I start scurrying around and I've made a big mess for us. Will you help us dig out of this hole and then you can say I'm all in. Are you all in?

12:18 I think that's what he's waiting for. Okay. Mhm. If he was on the on the phone with me, I would say, "Brother, you got to go first. You got to wade through your wife's volume and her excitement and her whatever, and you got to go first." And I would tell him to sit down and say, "I love you and I don't know how to be successful in this marriage because everything I've done, I've been told feels like I'm less than you." That's what I would tell him to say.

12:49 Yes, that's correct. But it sounds like you got a guy that got in over his head trying to scramble to give his wife to finally prove to her that he had value, more value than she's ever given him and for this baby. And dude, he just he made a left turn and he he screwed up. And if you think that's walking away worthy, I'm not I can't tell you to do that.

13:13 Yeah, I don't want to. I mean, yeah, I definitely it was just such a shock. Something that I didn't expect. It was like now we're like hopefully my landlord renews my lease cuz

13:26 I just wish he would have said something. But again, I that's why I'm here. But

13:30 it happened already. But but but even even saying that, I wish you'd said something and I have to own that. I've been impossible to talk to.

13:38 Mhm. I'm sorry. together, we have to agree this never happens again. Which means I've got to work on how I talk to you, how I talk about our future together and our earned income. And I've got to I've got to trust that you if you ever get in trouble again financially, you're going to be honest with me.

14:01 You get what I'm saying? Absolutely. But all all of those were I statements. Here's what I need to do. Here's where I messed up. and here's what I want and need moving forward. Are you in? Not with you should have told me. I can't believe you did this. You screwed this. Like, you get what I'm saying?

14:20 Yes. It's a very humbling humbling position. And I my I'm in the middle of a big research writing project on marriage and I'm I'm overwhelmed with this one piece of data. For a marriage to work, it's a race to the bottom of the marriage. What do I mean by that? There should be scratching and clawing from each partner on who can outserve the other. Who can say I'm sorry first? Of of course outside of abusive situations, right? Or traumatic. Of course those. But somebody saying, "I'm gonna take ownership of my part of this." No, no, no. It was on me. No, no, no, no. I created a world where you couldn't talk.

15:08 Yeah, but I called our friends and asked them for money. Listen to me. I created a context that you felt like that was the only move you had. Was it the right move? No, it was a terrible move. But I get it and I'm going to work really hard for us. So, here's what I'm going to hook you up with, okay? I'm going to send you some tools. I'm going to send you both a copy. I'm going to send you two copies of Building a Non- Anxious Life. And I want you all to read that and use that as a road map for rebuilding your marriage from the floor up. The second thing I'm going to send you is a premium version of the Every Dollar app. It's the It's my It's the budgeting app my wife and I use. It's the best one, I think, out there. It's amazing. And I'm going to send you a year subscription to it for free. I'm also going to send you all the digital financial peace university. I work for Ramsey Solutions

15:55 and they have like the company was built on this idea of getting out of debt and living free and teaching couples how to communicate and build budgets together. I'm going to send you all nine digital lessons and I want you to both watch those with no commentary. both of you watch them and then at the end of the video you'll talk about what you experienced and what you felt and it will walk you through a stepbystep process to how to communicate building budgets together. But underneath all of that, how do we talk about our kids' future? How do we talk about our dream home? How do we talk about living free lives together so that when we both walk in the front door, both of our shoulders drop and we're happy to see each other for God's sakes.

16:36 And that's going to be the path. So hang on the line. hook you up with all those resources. I usually don't do this, but I'm going to tell you, I don't think your marriage is worth tossing. I don't think your marriage has been a full both feet in the boat, both of you in the marriage. Or maybe you it was your boat and he kept trying to get in and he got to get one foot in the boat and you kept shoving the other foot out. Whatever it is, both of y'all get back in the boat and say, "Let's row in the same direction." And that means both of us are going to have to learn new rowing techniques because neither of us know how to do this thing right. But together, we can learn together. have grace and compassion and we're going to build the most amazing marriage in our family generation's history.

17:12 So day one today, I'm grateful for your call sister. Start with the word I. Start with humility. Start with this lens of service and go build an amazing marriage.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Husband’s Secret Could End Our Marriage" about?

The narrative explores a woman's escalating concerns about her marriage after discovering her husband's secretive accumulation of significant debt over 18 months, despite her efforts to manage their finances. She grapples with the implications of his choices, which have led to financial instability and emotional strain, prompting her to question the viability of their relationship.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

1 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Building a Non-Anxious Life. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Husband’s Secret Could End Our Marriage"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 3,403 words in 62 timestamped sections.

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